Sharing

Tag: Sharing

I’m NEXT!

December 26, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

“I’m NEXT!” Teacher Tom writes a wonderful post I encourage you to go take a look at. It’s called: That’s How to Share

“When you’re finished, I want a turn,” (although more often than not it’s expressed as, “I’m next!”) then let the person with possession decide for her or himself when it’s time to give way, which always happens sooner or later…

It’s not a perfect system, prone to abuse, but I think it’s better than the alternative which is for an adult to arbitrarily decide when it’s time to give it up, robbing children of an opportunity to practice working things out for themselves.” (Teacher Tom)

Alice’s take:

YES. Yes yes yes. We so quickly step in and decide for kids how much time they get with something, or decide it is time for them to give it up and give it to another, or for heaven’s sake, just QUIT that “fighting” and SHARE.

Really, it is so much more about our anxiety over conflict.

How are our kids ever going to learn to manage this (anxiety and conflict) if we–the adults–have such a hard time??

Teacher Tom writes about how, when we (the adults) give the respectful space for kids to work it out and sort it out SO MUCH LEARNING occurs. So much.

Respectful space means describing what you see–“Your friends are waiting for a turn when you are finished.”

Respectful space means staying tuned in on the periphery–because if any hurting starts to occur, you will be needed.

Respectful space means TRUSTING the kids to sort it out…and telling them just what you see–“It’s hard to wait!” “So you are going to be next?” “You are figuring out who gets which turn.” “So you want to play until lunch time? Your friends are waiting for their turn.” “You waited and waited and now he is done and it is your turn.”

Respectful space means staying calm and matter-of-fact, communicating confidence to the kids involved that they CAN sort it out.

And just think of all the learning, negotiating, problem solving that then occurs when we can calm our own anxiety over it all!

From the math skills of “whose next in line” and “there’s FOUR of us waiting!” to conversation and language through debating turns, to physical awareness and control from jostling in lines or discovering hitting will be stopped, to self-control for all the same reasons, to self-definition as kids discover just what they can and cannot do, to patience and problem solving and compassion and managing feelings…and on and on. So MUCH learning!

All because we got ourselves out of the way and provided the respectful space for them to sort it out.

It’s hard. And as Teacher Tom said, it can be prone to abuse…hence the need to be observant. It requires us to really consider just what we want the most for our children as they grow through the toddler and preschool years. Do we want the compliance that has US feeling better, more in control? Which is really what compliance is all about.

Or real growth and learning with a trusted adult alongside as tumultuous feelings and conflict and heated negotiations take place?

It’s hard. And the work we do as adults to manage our OWN anxiety over conflict is essential for our children to grow well. Start with these moments of “It’s MY TURN. I want it!” with a PAUSE in place, a deep breath, and just state what you see.

Start there. You may be surprised by what follows…and here is another post on just this topic that can help you along that I think you may enjoy: Let’s Talk Sharing.

Thank you, Teacher Tom. Your work is greatly appreciated! And inspires ME to write more 🙂 .

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Let’s Talk Sharing

September 3, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

Let’s talk sharing. I found myself lingering in our local library recently, enjoying the ‘learn, play, read’ area they’ve created for infants to preschoolers. I watched how parents quietly sat on the floor and stayed present to their exploring little ones. I loved the access to so many fabulous books.

And I heard the inevitable “Share!” “No, no, be nice, you have to share.” “You can’t have that, you have to share it.”

This sharing deal? It really is more about us than our children.

Think about it. Developmentally it is between 3 and 5 that children really grasp what sharing is all about. Yet we demand our toddlers and young preschoolers to somehow just ‘know’ how to do it. And whew, wouldn’t it be nice if they did! No fighting, arguing, grabbing…all is fine and easy and we can feel like good parents.

Sharing requires understanding of ours and another’s feelings and desires. Sharing is about being creative with another as you use something together, it is about being compassionate and giving, it is about being respectful.

How do our young ones grow into the sharing mode?

By our understanding of THEIR feelings and desires, our compassion, our giving, our being respectful of them. This includes beginning with complete ownership over something.

Take a moment and think about your teen years…say you had worked many hours to save up for the beautiful new sweater or dress that you finally bought and your sister demands wearing it prior to you (since you were saving it for that special date sometime in the future) and your parent insisted you “be kind and share, for heaven’s sake”–how might you feel?

I believe you’d feel resentful. You might share, but begrudgingly. It might make you mad. It might even leave you feeling guilty, for not feeling gracious and sharing willingly. And think about how it might influence your relationship with your sister–-probably in less than wonderful ways. This is what is what happens when we, out of our own desire to have our children ‘be nice’ and have what seems to be conflict go away, make our little ones share.

What to do, instead? Respect ownership. If a young toddler knows for sure their time with an item is fully respected, if that is the norm for them that they can be fully submerged in their exploration of whatever toy, then when they feel done it is a simple extension to letting the next toddler have it. All we have to do is respect their feelings, their time, their choice.

Scenarios for you:

“You want a turn with the stuffed kitty.” PAUSE and wait. “Timmy, Grace wants a turn with the kitty.” Wait and watch. “Oh, Grace. It looks like Timmy isn’t done with the kitty. Would you like to play with the truck or read a book while you wait for a turn?”

“It makes you mad that you can’t have the kitty right now. It’s hard to wait, isn’t it? Let’s go over here together and I can help you wait for your turn.”

“When you grab the book, it makes Sally mad. She wasn’t done with it.” PAUSE. “Sally, do you want to finish looking at the book or can Erik have it?” Wait quietly. “Looks like Sally wants to finish reading the book. Erik, can you hand it back or would you like me to help you?” PAUSE once again. “Here, I will help you give it back. I know, you really want a turn. Maybe we can read it together? Or maybe you and I can read THIS book until Sally is done.”

“Hmmm. I see two children who both want the puzzle.” PAUSE. “Wow, Mikey REALLY wants to use it and Sarah is already working with the pieces.” Wait. “Is there another puzzle in this room that we could find?” “Is there something else Mikey might want to play with–Sarah, could you find something for Mikey while he waits for you to be all done?” Or…”Here’s a piece for you to work with, Mikey. Sarah, are you going to put your piece in? Mikey, where does yours fit? Look how you can both work on the puzzle!”

And when sharing naturally occurs? When two little ones are both exploring one thing, or handing something over, or giving a piece of theirs to another? Then you get to let them know “You are sharing! Marie likes it when you share a piece of your snack.” What we focus on grows

Now what is learned–whether a conflict or natural sharing?

Respect. Understanding of feelings. Greater awareness of their own feelings and another’s. What to do when there is conflict.

All necessary for future sharing. The cool thing? As you PAUSE and observe before even jumping in, you may notice these little ones handle it just fine between them. Maybe when a toy is grabbed from another, the other doesn’t mind. Neither should we. They are learning. Maybe when a toy is grabbed it gets grabbed back. Wait. See how it plays out.

Intervention really is only necessary when big feelings take over or hitting/biting begins. Now it’s time to step in, describe what you see, affirm feelings, and PAUSE, always PAUSE through-out, giving your child the opportunity to process and respond. You may be surprised with what they decide to do.

Sharing begins with respect for feelings, ownership, unhurried time.

When a young child feels respected–when their time with something is honored–they naturally will ‘share’ with another. What does this require from us? PAUSING, always :-). Calming our anxiety over what seems like conflict, fighting, disagreements, unfairness. Calming ourselves down as we find ourselves with other parents who do it differently. I know what worked for me was to stay focused on the children involved rather than talk with the other parent. Or I would say, “Let’s see how our kids work it out, first.” Or we’d just chalk up a disintegrating situation to just that. A disintegrating situation. An opportunity to affirm feelings and get the heck out of there.

Relax today. Let your toddler and young preschooler finish what they are doing. Show them the respect you want to see in them as they grow. Trust the process–sharing evolves. Naturally, and often later. Honor the steps one at a time that will create the foundation for not only sharing, but positive and healthy relationships. There is no hurry.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

I just want my child to RESPECT me

October 13, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

“I just want my child to RESPECT me!”

Respect–something we all want to see in our children. Respect for others, respect for our requests, respect in how they respond to us…just plain old respect. Life would be good, parenting easier…

The cool thing? This is something that really is all about US (something we can control!). We think it is about our children, about making them do things differently, better, more respectfully. But really, it is about us. And when you really think about this, it is all about choices (ours, as much as theirs).

Respect your child’s choice enough to let them experience the results of their choice–with you choosing to be the calm, clear, connected one no matter what they decide to do.

This is easy when they stay within the choices WE like–you know, the toddler who willingly picks one of the two warm sweaters we offer up to them on the coldest day of the year AND puts it on, the preschooler who shares happily with their buddy with play that extends all morning long, the elementary child who never says a mean word to a friend or talks behind their back, the teen who drives within the speed limit, never risks their well-being because they choose to not drink, smoke, climb treacherous mountains, break curfew…

Whew. Now we feel like good parents–for look at how well behaved our children are! So easy to stay calm, clear, and connected on our part.

But then they do something—they choose otherwise….

…to throw their food on the floor, their toy at you, to refuse all warm clothing items and tantrum on the floor

…to push and hit their buddy because their toy was grabbed from them

…to talk behind their friend’s back in unkind ways

…to drive too fast, climb treacherous mountains, stay out way too late until our anxiety hits the roof…

Yikes. Now we feel it is our job to get them to choose the right behavior, to feel the right way, to choose what WE want them to choose so we can feel better and feel the good parent we want to be–to feel RESPECTED.

And here is where respect truly can be grown.

Instead of trying to ‘get them to behave’, you PAUSE. And then calmly respect their choice enough that they can experience the result of their choice–and now they can truly learn. How does this look? Ideas for you:

~ your toddler throws their cup on the floor. You calmly pick it up, put it on the counter and say, “Cups are for drinking out of and for sitting on the table. When you throw it on the floor, you are all done. Down you go!” Calmly, gently, respectfully. What do they learn? That cups are used a certain way, that their choice to throw resulted in no more drink, that mommy isn’t swayed a bit by their behavior. You’ve treated them with respect, they’ve had an opportunity to learn and grow.

~ your preschooler hits and won’t share. You respect this choice of theirs enough that you follow through with calmly talking about what you see happening, letting her know hitting is never okay, affirming all the feelings involved, asking questions such as, “Your friend would like a turn. When you are all done, can you let her know?” or “Your friend is sad about not having a turn. What can we do to help?” Respectful, no hurry to ‘make them behave,’ and now an opportunity for your preschooler to learn a bit more about friendships, feelings…respect.

~ your elementary student hurts a friend’s feelings. Oh, the temptation to ‘fix’ this somehow! Instead, listen. Reflect back what you hear from your child. Ask questions. And affirm their upset. No need to fix–this just communicates to them our lack of confidence in their ability to navigate a tough experience. Walk alongside them as they sort through the results of their behavior. Maybe a friend gets lost along the way–and now your child has really owned and learned from the results of the choice they made to be unkind. With your calm presence through-out they are more likely to make different choices the next time around. More respectful ones.

~ your teen comes home WAY beyond the time agreed and you’ve been worried sick. Respect the choice enough to follow through with the results. Calmly, consistently, with connection. “You came home really, really late. I was really worried for I never heard from you that your plans had changed. Tomorrow I’d like you to let your friends know that you’ll be staying home.” Calmly. Even as the bedroom door slams, you can be sure you communicated respect. In time, it will make a difference .

By our choosing to be clear, calm, and connected with our child, this becomes way less about making them behave a certain way, and instead an opportunity to learn and grow from experience.

They ‘hear’ our confidence in them and their growth, they feel heard and understood, they can trust that we can keep it together even when they cannot. This builds and communicates respect. And now we’ve just role-modeled what we want more of.

So today…as challenges arise…take a deep breath (PAUSE. It is essential) and let go of needing your child to choose YOUR way. Instead, welcome their choice as an opportunity for them to experience the results and grow. No hurry–this takes time and practice. Respect the time it takes to grow a fabulous adult and be in the moment, guiding your child gently, calmly, consistently. I believe you will see real growth occur–and respect is right around the corner.

And now you really can feel the good parent you already are.