I find this photo beautiful and important. It shows so clearly CONNECTION. And the magic of connection is it begins and is absolutely essential from birth on.
Look at these two. They are touching. They are making eye contact. They are thinking, processing, learning–all because of their physical and emotional connection.
It is lovely–to be uninterrupted, relished quietly, noticed and appreciated. It is essential to *just* absorb, as these two are absorbing their moment together.
And if they “take” a toy from the other? That’s okay. Watch. See how each responds. Often it requires nothing from us other than observing and perhaps quietly stating what you see happening–“You took the block. He’d like it back.” Or, “You are having a turn with the block, I see that.” Or, “You gave her the block. She is giving it back. You are taking turns.” Or, “Hmmm. It makes you mad/sad that she took the block. You weren’t done playing with it.”
No need to pry the block from one hand to give it “back” to the other. No need to change their play and exploration. No need to swoop one of them up in order to stop any uncomfortable-to-us feelings that are expressed. No. What is needed is your connection to their moment. Quiet, calm, present, using words to describe as needed. A smile. A back rubbed. All while giving the safe space for little ones to discover a bit more about what its like to connect, meaningfully, with another. Tears included.
Just think of all the learning that is happening! From feelings to empathy to ownership to respect to taking turns to practice at reaching and grasping and holding and reaching once again to comfort to learning all about another person.
So much learning. All from CONNECTION.
Connection that says “YOU are a capable and competent learner!”
Take time today to watch–really watch–your children, no matter their age. Notice how they play, think, connect–with another, with their own selves, with whatever play they are involved in. Pay attention to the kinds of connection with your child that feel fabulous to you…and take time to create more of it 🙂 . What a way to build relationships.
Enjoy your week!
Alice
Author and Parent Coach’
www.denaliparentcoaching.com
©2020 Alice Hanscam
ou are cruising right on through the store, gathering all you need…and then one raisin drops onto the floor. You automatically swoop down, pick it up and let your little one know, “Oops! This fell. Into the trash it goes.” And you continue on. The second raisin follows the first…maybe a third, as you continue with the same response, half paying attention because you are busy checking prices, choosing items, looking at your list.
ES your child nods, off they run across the playground and then your child slows, glances over her shoulder, looking at you with the hesitation of “Is this okay? Am I safe? Should I keep going…?”.
o go. You only half-hear the ramping up behind you. The “DON’T!” The “It’s MINE.” The “You better STOP!!!!” Next thing you know you have two kids fighting, crying, and tumbling all over each other to get to you. A big puddle of a mess that leaves you feeling frustrated; leaves them a wreck.
Just because your preschooler is testing you like crazy does NOT mean you have failed at parenting respectfully, peacefully, positively. And preschoolers? They WILL test you like crazy. Loudly. Exuberantly. Endlessly. I want you to know that. They will and you CAN (parent respectfully!).
The ability to PAUSE. To calm YOUR self, first. To know, without a doubt, you are your child’s calm, confident leader. To know, without a doubt, this is all about growth and learning, rather than problems to fix.
ut how we feel in their hands.
otally delightful play between two siblings who are dashing ahead of parents down a trail. Their funny exchanges…and then their screeching to a stop to turn around and bounce their funny right off of mom or dad…but mom or dad, they are busy on their phone.
tells her child to make the “right choice” so he won’t get in trouble and she won’t get mad. I paused, and then delved a bit deeper and heard more of her stories and talked with her a bit about just what this kind of choice often communicates…
Teacher Tom writes about how, when we (the adults) give the respectful space for kids to work it out and sort it out SO MUCH LEARNING occurs. So much.
It illustrates just what can happen as we calmly, kindly, and with gentle firmness guide our children through a conflict. With little ones you’ll discover quickly how safe they’ll feel, how connected you are, how good it can be following a conflict. And you’ll know, from deep down, that things are right between you. The conflict? It mellows. Especially due to your calm connection. And your child learns. They can trust you. They feel safe. Your relationship just got stronger.
Baby? With her voice and words she reached out to Baby. Now Baby hears her…and Mama followed through with exactly what she said. I know, it seems a new baby wouldn’t understand this and perhaps she SHOULD have jumped up to attend. But this Mama listened carefully and knew the crying wasn’t too much, yet.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9uIJ-o2yqQ
widen as she studied this stranger. (And yes, no verbal response is necessary. Those eyes widening as the woman paused? THAT was a conversational response…)
reminded of this the other night as I spoke with a group of parents coming together to grow their ability to create meaningful connections with their children. To feel stronger in their ability to be sure they are building relationships in healthy and positive ways.
Take care of yourself–do little things, just for you. Do big things if you can. As we do with our children when they are upset, confused, out of sorts, be gentle with yourself. Create that “safe place” to feel and be and notice what is different as a result. Simplify where you can. Just as we do with our children.
er pushing the grocery cart, the empty car-seat mixed in the with the groceries. His obvious pleasure in holding his new grandson and his gentle nature as he spoke softly to him spoke clearly of the lovely relationship he is intending to have with his grandson.
er Grandmom with increasing dementia. A long drive, a long visit, and all she expressed was the complete joy she experienced sitting alongside G’mom, sharing photos of a trip, hearing G’mom go ’round and ’round with the same stories and questions.
he one-year-old’s curiosity as he studied this new-to-him person, the way he checked back to his mama to make sure all was well, and–when he was ready–the genuine reaching out of chubby little arms to his special-to-him adult, knowing without a doubt he could trust her and feel comfortable with her.
o right now? Or a preschooler with those BIG GIANT feelings erupting as you are trying to get out the door, make a meal, use the bathroom (by yourself), or…?
h even just a semblance of calm in place and a bit more clarity, allow yourself to respond to your child and TRUST how you do so. Maybe your response won’t fit into your label–maybe instead of what feels peaceful to you needs to be put aside as you firmly stop your child and look ’em in the eye and say NO.
we adults
And then later, as we toured the castle ruins, what did I notice? How easily engaged each child was with their exploring, learning, asking questions. How mom and dad answered questions quietly, asked new ones, and generally let their kids lead the way as they wove in and out of people, walls, paths, twisty old stair cases.
y they stand in their conviction (vs seeing them as stubborn and rebellious)
Those ball games in the rain? They began with a bat and soft ball. I do believe it was way more fun to actually chase the errant ball that seemed to always get “hit out of the park” and over the fence. Racing through the gate to discover where it landed was as much fun as swinging the bat.
You can just imagine her response as she received and opened a letter to her in the mail. The grin, the straightening of her shoulders, the prance of her feet. And you can just imagine how off she went to draw, create, write once again to her new friend, Mister Rogers–as well as to her grandmother, a card for her daddy to surprise him when he got home, and a little something for her buddy next door, too.
k, “I’m going to pull your shirt on, now, are you ready?,” or picking up their legs, ready for the clean diaper, or working that spoonful of pureed carrots in and all around their mouth and face, followed by sucking and smooshing a wet wash cloth until their pureed carrots are all gone from their cheeks–all by themselves. 
ren able to self-direct, to know and then decide what they want to do and do it--their ideas, their way. Like pouring 32 cups of tea for their stuffed teddy that evolves to dressing up in a cape as they fly around the house to flopping on the pile of pillows to immerse themselves in a book.
…cooperative behavior more often than not–-the more we are respectful, the more cooperative our children become. They feel safe, heard, understood. We’ve communicated how they can count on us to keep it together even when they cannot.
So I asked myself–what did my baby need? And I knew already. She needed ME. She needed to know I was there. She was young enough (2-3 months!) to still see herself as a part of me, rather than separate from me. That was coming soon, those first stages of separation…and boy, do they bring some new and challenging experiences!
Respect Feelings. Here’s the deal, it requires us to manage our OWN upset, irritation, frustration, heart-felt sorrow as we help our children process theirs. And this is oh-so-hard at times, for those BIG and LOUD feelings really can push our button and feel so darn uncomfortable.
