A story to share–and oh, how I love stories!
In my care a four, seven, and thirteen year old. The two older ones at the table, totally focused on homework and projects. The 4-year-old–Mr. N I’ll call him–immersed in Lego on the floor. Me? Preparing after-school snacks.
Mr. N, tending toward having things ‘just so’ in life, couldn’t get his Lego plane to look just like he wanted. The whine was the first sign:
“Aaaaliiiccce! I can’t DO it. It doesn’t LOOK right…” Here we go…something that we’d done before and I’m sure would do again.
Me: “You sound frustrated!”
Mr. N: “I can’t DOOOOOOOOOOO it!” Escalating rapidly.
Me: “Can I help?
Mr. N: (Now flopping on floor), “NO. NObody can. I can’t DO it…”
And his half-constructed plane is thrown across the floor, busting all to pieces, and the wailing and screaming that followed was to be admired for its intensity 
Okay…so here is where we all find ourselves at some point in our parenting journey–and most likely quite often, depending on age and stage of kids. Here is where I’d like to say how calm and matter-of-fact I felt as I let Mr. N know it is time to take a break and calm down. This is where I’d like to tell you how easily he complied by gathering himself up and snuggling on the couch and quickly pulling himself together to go try again.
I’d like to be able to say that. But the reality? It looked a bit different. I felt my temperature rise…the words going through my head: “Argh! Mr. N is doing it again! Throwing a tantrum over the littlest thing! And the other two kids are trying to work. When is he going to learn? How can I get him to STOP????”
I did have the where-with-all to act-as-if I felt calm and matter of fact. It helped that I had a 7 and 13-year-old watching me intently, and role modeling for them was important to me. Take whatever works to (pretend to) do it well! I do believe that really was my first PAUSE.
Me, with clenched teeth and an extra firm tone of voice–the best I could do in the moment:
“Mr N, you are having a hard time. Your screaming is making it difficult for the girls to do their work. Time to go downstairs until you are calmer and ready to try again.” Sounds good, right? It was–even if I did feel angry, myself. Self-control–a strength!
Mr N had no ability to pick himself up and head downstairs–too busy wailing and flailing. I picked him up working hard at containing MY anger. Thank goodness for the two sets of eyes watching my every move–another PAUSE of sorts. Off we went down to his room in my house screaming away. I plunked him down and said, “When you have calmed down, we can try again.”
And here is where I can honestly say I did well.
Mr N is screaming and flailing and I found myself sitting sideways in the doorway. I knew from previous experiences that closing the door just added to the turmoil via kicking…and I knew for certain my visible nearness helped him feel connected–even in the midst of doing anything he could to push me away. Connection is key.
I sat myself down and averted my eyes. I kept Mr N company–quietly and respectfully. I stayed connected and available. I paused. Okay, so I plugged my ears for awhile, as well. And breathed. And wished for him to calm down SOON so we could move on…
Thirty minutes later (yes, thirty minutes–I had quite the time to PAUSE in that doorway!) as his screams had turned to sobs, I found I could interject (you know, in-between sobs when they try to catch their breath?) “I hear you are working at calming down. When you are ready, we can head back upstairs and try again.” Mr N knew he could have my lap if he wanted (he didn’t), he knew I wouldn’t leave…and I respected his choice to pull himself together ‘on his own.’
Then something magic happened.
Truly magic. Down the stairs came my kitty cat–“Mew, mew, mew.” I swear to you, she came down to check on Mr N and all the commotion–she really was! And I used it: “Yoda kitty! You are worried about Mr N! You are here to see how you can help.” And I picked up my fuzzy little kitty and plunked her in the room with my sobbing little friend. Mr N wrapped his arms around Yoda kitty (Yoda was not one to be snuggled, yet this time? She obliged..) and breathed in her soft fur.
Mr N, “Yoda, I love you. Yoda, I’m sad. Oh, Yoda…” And he totally calmed down. Within a minute or so he said, “I’m ready to go upstairs!” I said, “You worked hard at calming yourself down and Yoda kitty came to help!” Off we went, Lego plane was gathered up and re-built, snacks were had, and all was peaceful. Really! 
Tantrums. They are tough. What worked for me?
Acting as if. Having other eyes a-watching me. Knowing that Mr N needed time and space to gather himself and respecting his way of working through it all. Staying near and available. Pausing–maybe not initially, but in the end, my staying near Mr N gave me the gift of a pause so I really could feel calm. And in turn, this gave Mr N the PAUSE he needed to feel the same. Kitty cat included.
There’s my story for you. One of many. Maybe I’ll share the 13-year-old tantrum of my daughter’s another day. Really, this is a journey we are all on–it is meant for our growth as much as it is our children’s. Respect this. Welcome every challenge and conflict as an opportunity to become a better you. Always appreciate the parts that ARE working for you–for what we focus on grows. Know you have lots of good company along this journey as a parent!
Me? I am forever grateful to Yoda kitty. She has managed to change the tune of many upset moments. Mine as well as others! Mr N? He is now 12 and builds incredible Lego planes–he shared the fleet of planes he created recently. You know what he said? “Alice, I don’t care if they look just right anymore. Look what I built, just for fun!” And he was glowing.
That made all the past tantrums worth it. More about tantrums here: Tantrums! Loud, Giant, Frustrating…
Here’s to more peace in your household!
Enjoy.
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2016 Alice Hanscam
k to help me I’ll say NO and if you don’t ask to help me I’ll say “Mooommmmmeeeeeee! I N-E-E-E-E-D you!” And really, I do need your help by you just keeping me company…maybe from a distance, though. Cuz I think I CAN get these tights on my legs, this puzzle figured out, this jungle gym conquered. Maybe. But I might need your help.
~ Company is required at the kitchen counter but I’M in charge, not YOU (remember–I am the Boss of ME) and THIS is the recipe we are making and mess is expected and licks are required…then we can have a tea party!!!! But wait, I have to get all my stuffed guys set up…and oh yeah, first I better get ’em all dressed for the party. No, I’m NOT ready to come mix the recipe, I’m BUSY. W-a-i-t!!!! You said I could have a lick! It’s my turn to mix! NOT FAIR.
vincing her preschooler to finish quickly so that they could have time to play more.
ay place attendant appeared—“Is everything okay?” “Yes,” said Mama, “My daughter is feeling mad and disappointed that she had to be all done with washing up. When she is done getting her mad out, we’ll head back to play.”
…and less opportunity to feel the connection that is relationship-building and absolutely essential for growing well.
Now our child can feel heard. Understood. Safe and secure. Our child can feel respected–because of feeling heard AND because we have more likely honored their choice by calmly following through with the results of their choice. Even if it is still a NO. When we’ve taken the moment to gather ourselves and respond instead of react, our NO is received more productively (even if it is still LOUD and upset…
Because we like to solve the problems. It’s in our nature. Yet consider this–consider another layer as to why we solve these problems.
Today, 
…the paint that has escaped the paper in bucket fulls?! A wonderful chance to play with how colors mix, how effective brushes are (or aren’t!) to ‘scoop’ the paint back to the paper, what happens as you bring water and a rag to the situation. Oh, and don’t forget the chance to watch as the rag is squished over the sink and the colors that flow down the drain! All of this, of course, with the understanding that ON the paper the paint needs to be…and perhaps painting will retreat to the bathtub for future endeavors… 🙂 And isn’t Mama good at acting-as-if she is calm and cool as perhaps the paint just gets put away and “we can try again another day”?
Again, you get to choose. “You really are having a tough time being ready to settle for diapers and books.” You know your child well–maybe walking over to their bedroom window and gazing outside for a bit, commenting without asking for any input on what you see will help them settle a bit. I know it often did for my girls.
ite applesauce snack, and decided he wanted to make this all on his own. So apples it was…and a banana, as well.
k, “I’m going to pull your shirt on, now, are you ready?,” or picking up their legs, ready for the clean diaper, or working that spoonful of pureed carrots in and all around their mouth and face, followed by sucking and smooshing a wet wash cloth until their pureed carrots are all gone from their cheeks–all by themselves. 
ren able to self-direct, to know and then decide what they want to do and do it--their ideas, their way. Like pouring 32 cups of tea for their stuffed teddy that evolves to dressing up in a cape as they fly around the house to flopping on the pile of pillows to immerse themselves in a book.
…cooperative behavior more often than not–-the more we are respectful, the more cooperative our children become. They feel safe, heard, understood. We’ve communicated how they can count on us to keep it together even when they cannot.
This is a common result of limiting or eliminating screens for young children–their behavior ultimately changes for the better because now they are more likely getting what they really need-–hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship-based, whole body experiences.
Respectful parenting. It can be simple when things go agreeably. Cooperatively. Peacefully. And it can leave a parent over-whelmed and at a loss when things turn tumultuous. And they will. Regularly–because these tumultuous times? They mean NEW GROWTH. And with any new growth, things get out-of-sorts. For our toddler AND for us.
on with her upset…so no, he didn’t allow her to continue, he respected her need to do so and gave her the safe space in his arms to BE upset and still do what needed to be done–get to point B.
