Affirmations

Tag: Affirmations

That Scary Vacuum Cleaner

April 29, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

To be allowed to finish your cry…

How essential for all things relationship-building. Something I wrote earlier after being inspired by Teacher Tom‘s article. Go check that out right here. There’s a story to share, to give more attention to, hence creating an article just for it.

A Mama. A vacuum cleaner. A young toddler. And BIG feelings.

There’s a Mama I know whose 16-month-old toddler was VERY upset recently over the vacuum cleaner and its LOUD noise. You know, all those times you work at getting the house a bit cleaner, swiping the dust cloth here, collecting the toys there, washing dishes and bathrooms and yourself whenever you get a moment? Well…up until recently vacuum cleaning was nary an issue with her little one and could be (more or less) easily done at any time…until now.

Mama responded immediately to her little guy’s upset, turned off the vacuum and went quickly to him, intent on gathering him up in her arms to help him settle. Mama was devastated when, instead of burying himself into her body to sob and calm, he pushed her away as she tried to comfort him. Despite Mama feeling devastated that she couldn’t immediately comfort him, she paused.

She sat herself down across the room from him and waited respectfully for him to finish his cry.

As she waited, with tears streaming down her face (oh how our heartstrings are tugged!), she found her self quietly talking to him as he hunkered down in a corner of the room away from her. She named his feelings, affirmed his upset, and eventually–maybe for her own comfort, as well–started to sing.

Her little guy? Her singing reached him. He paused a bit in his Great Big Cry…then up he rose from his corner, and toddling as fast as his little feet could carry him he crossed the floor to fling himself into her arms and finish his cry. Mama gratefully comforted her son and, as she held him snuggled in her arms, she realized what a gift she had just given him.

Her gift? An opportunity for him to FEEL, to discover that he, on his own and by his own choice, could manage his big upset, that he could count on mama to keep herself calm even though he couldn’t, and connected–even from a distance. What a way to feel safe and secure. What a way to communicate respect for how he felt and how he chose to manage himself.

What a way to soundly deposit into a close, caring, respectful relationship. So much learned by both Mama and her young toddler! And this Mama? She just grew a bit stronger herself, as she managed her own upset in relationship-building ways.

What an important story. What a way to allow both involved to finish their cry. What a way to say, “I have confidence in you. I respect you.”

When we can grow ourselves in such a way that we can sit quietly and respectfully in another’s discomfort it becomes a real gift for all. Today, when your heart is tugged hugely over your child’s Great Big Cry?PAUSE. Give your child the choice in how to be comforted, in what they feel they need. Give them the respect of your understanding company no matter the tears streaming down your face. Let your pause create the pause they need to gather themselves and feel the connection with you that has them learning, growing, thriving.

Then go take care of YOU so you can “finish your cry” as well.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Chore Charts, Behavior Charts, Sticker Charts, Oh My!

March 30, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Noticed and Appreciated, Self-care Comment

Chore charts. Behavior charts. Daily charts. Charts with stickers, charts with toys or adventures to earn, charts to show the order of the day. Charts, charts, and more charts.

We work so hard at getting our children to behave!

We attempt all kinds of systems to change their behavior in positive ways–charts being pretty common and tried by many of us, I’m certain. And they can work…for awhile.

Funny, though, how either we begin to fade away from following through with them (“Geez! I’ve forgotten to let my child put stickers on all he’s done!”) or our children–after the initial days of total excitement over stickers, check marks, rewards to look forward to–begin to ignore it…resort back to ignoring you and your requests…leave the dog unfed, resist brushing their teeth, no longer care about the cool toy that is promised. That well thought out chart? It just doesn’t cut it anymore.

Change. It is difficult to create and maintain.

Just think about that diet you put yourself on to lose a few pounds or how you decided to truly stay on top of a house project or how you swore you were going to start cooking from scratch more and more often. Just think about how these vows to create the change you know could be beneficial for you sort of went out the window fairly quickly…and the old ways stuck.

Change in our children requires us to focus on ourselves first and foremost. Consider where real and lasting change has occurred with your children, in your life, work related, school related, relationship related. No matter, just change that felt truly successful. Consider what it took–perhaps determination, clarity on just what you intended with this change, commitment to it and consistency as you stuck with it, a friend encouraging you along the way, moments of success that had you willingly digging in deeper to stick it out…

Now consider this:

What if we focused less on “making our kids behave” and more on how WE want to behave, instead?

What if we focused on creating the foundation for potential change in our children? On being the positive, calming influence with our kids that can have them stepping up on their own, motivating themselves to make more productive choices? Not doing it because of the cool sparkly star they get to add to their chart, not because they get to go to Bouncy Bears as a prize, not because they now have you smiling at them instead of frowning…but really motivating their own selves because it feels good and right TO THEM from the inside out?

What if, instead of a chart for your child, you made a chart for yourself? One that included:

~ I noticed and affirmed my child today as I saw them use gentle hands, clean up, take their dish to the counter, pet the dog, buckle up in the car, use their words, play quietly, sleep soundly, tackle their homework, shut the door carefully…

~ I intentionally looked to where my child made productive choices and I let her know I noticed–“When you clean up your blocks like that, I appreciate it and it means we can get out the board game and play!” “Letting your friend know that you couldn’t play today was hard, but I can see getting your homework done is important to you.”

~ I chose to stay calm and connected to my child today, despite how she behaved…it was hard and I did it! Patience ruled!

~ I paid attention to where my child took charge of himself–by flushing the toilet, choosing her socks, deciding on which cereal he wants, remembering to pack her homework, digging out their favorite shirt from the laundry all by themselves, zipping his coat, toddling over with a sloshing cup of milk in hand to give it to me, saying NO to coming indoors to play or NO to being asked to share (yes, that is a child taking charge of themselves!)…:-)

~ I paused today and followed through calmly and consistently with just what I had promised my child (whether it was a consequence or something fun). Keeping promises is important to me!

~ I intentionally gave my child an opportunity to do things “all by herself”, to grow as an independent, capable, competent soul. Perhaps I paused and waited as I watched my little one work hard at climbing onto the chair (and discovered how, even with bumps and crashes, she DID it. All by herself!); I gave the car keys and a grocery list to the newly licensed teen in my house (that was a bit nerve-wracking…); I stepped back while my child quite gleefully dug into the dog food bag and very generously filled the dog’s bowl…no wonder our dog is overweight…

~ I deposited into my self-care account today and it felt GREAT.

Now what might be different? Just think…

…intentionally focusing on what you want more of; intentionally focusing on growing your ability to parent well. Affirming yourself all day long.

What might be different about your day? How might you feel no matter what your child chooses to do? How, with your focus on yourself, could this positively influence your child?

Try it. Write up a chart for yourself. Get a bunch of pretty stars to stick on or delicious chocolate to reward yourself as you pay attention to what you want to do differently. Real and lasting change can be yours–and it begins with you. So go put your attention on just what you want more of and pat yourself on the back often for doing just this. You deserve to feel and be affirmed. The work you do to create positive change in your family is tough, essential, and totally rewarding.

I give you STARS today! Some dark chocolate, too 🙂

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Important Moments in the Day of a Preschooler!

January 31, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

Important moments in the day of a preschooler…

~ Being the Boss of Themselves! Whether it’s preferring peanut butter and mustard sandwiches that they create, or deciding between listening to your words or losing out on something important to them (your attention, perhaps?!), being the boss of themselves is essential. And if we forget who is the boss of whom, they will remind us–exuberantly, loudly, with great emphasis. Encouraging them as their own boss is essential for growing a self-directed adult–and this means we have to let go of them always deciding to choose what we’d prefer, and following through calmly and consistently with whatever the results of their choice is.

~ Imagining and pretending…that they can jump the highest, run the fastest, be the strongest…play at length pretending to be a mommy or doctor or horse. Giving them the space and time to get lost in their imagination is a gift that will keep on giving all through their years. Encourage this today, step out of their play, and protect the uninterrupted time necessary for imagining to be the rich opportunity for growth it is.

~ Volcanic feelings! Oh the out-of-bounds, explosive, BIG feelings that burst forth so unexpectedly at times. Our ability to acknowledge and affirm them, to stay calm in their presence, and role model appropriate expression is key for helping our children learn to manage themselves. “Wow! That really made you mad. Hitting hurts. What words can you use to let her know about your mad?” We give our children the gift of a safe and secure ‘place’ to FEEL as we draw on our ability to flow calmly with their eruptions–and the safer they can feel, the more able they can learn to manage their out-of-bounds nature…and the easier it gets.

~ Creating, making, designing. Immersed in glue, tape, paper, paint, play dough, scissors, etc. Time to think their thoughts, work with their hands, get lost in the process. Admiring their handiwork when called upon-“Yes! I see how many pieces of tape you used!” “I can tell blue was the color you used the most today.” “You worked hard at putting all those pieces together with the glue…” Nothing fancy required, just time, space to make a mess, and recognition for the work they do instead of the product they produce.

~ Household chores and tasks–feeding pets, doing dishes, cooking with you, starting the laundry, sweeping, raking, weeding…simple family time can emerge from doing the mundane tasks we have each day. Preschoolers love being included…they love showing off what they can do all on their own! Take the time to slow down, include them, and know you are more likely growing a future teen wanting and willing to mow the lawn…!

~ Playing with a friend–oh how preschoolers love to be with buddies! Whether it is parallel play with little real interaction, or intense and sometimes loud sharing and negotiations. This is a time of discovery–who they are, where they belong, what is and is not theirs, what they can and cannot do. Playing with a buddy provides so many opportunities to learn about themselves! Our job? Mostly to stay out of it all. Be on the periphery, acknowledge feelings, ask questions, notice how the play ebbs and flows from involved and intense to quiet. It’ll get messy, loud, hurtful, joyous. Let go of judging it, be curious and observant, and stay calm and matter-of-fact when the explosive behavior and feelings erupt…and now you are truly supporting the early stages of true friendship.

Preschoolers. A time of amazing discovery

and growth; a time of expanded independence. Enjoy today watching how they embrace their world with exuberance, joy, curiosity, and wonder.

It’s in the simple moments…

Another preschool article for you: Preschoolers–Hang on for the Ride!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Does YOUR Child…

January 5, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Social Emotional Comment

Does your child go with the flow or define the flow?

Think about this for a moment. Those “define the flow” kids–whether due to temperament or stage and especially when their flow is DIFFERENT from yours–get lots of attention. Lots.

Define The Flow also known as…

…Grand Negotiators–“She’s SURE to be a lawyer when she grows up!” How many times did we say that about our eldest!

…Stubborn!!! Cute when little…at least, for a while…

…The Rebel “WHY can’t he just do it my way, the better-healthier-safer way??”

…Tiring-ly Persistent–truly wears us down…

…Major Button Pushers–testing all day long…

…Talented Manipulators–-you know, the ones who are a bit sneakier and seem to “get their way” more often than not; who talk you into just about anything?

Sound familiar? I know, from the work I do and from my own parenting journey how exhausting this is.

It is the Define The Flow child who has us pulling out our hair, losing our cool, lacking confidence because we, well…just really don’t know what to do.

We work hard at defining the flow OUR way–we are the parents, right? We set boundaries, we know better, we have years of experience and age-old wisdom on our side, and yet…we struggle. And argue. And are just as stubborn, persistent, willing to constantly engage (aka: negotiate), push buttons (“Huh! Let’s see what he does when I do THAT…”).

Funny how that goes. We often do just what it is we want our Define The Flow child to STOP doing.

Okay–so that is where much of my work comes from–helping parents to shift their attention from all the things they’d like not to be happening, and discover and look for what it is they want more of. Such as appreciating the spirit of their Define The Flow child’s energy. To see the self-directed, strong in conviction, highly communicative, willing-to-persist-through-many-a-difficulty child who needs all of this in order to be a successful adult. Appreciate the spirit of all this energy–and then work at encouraging it in productive, healthy, empowering ways. For really, we DO want our child to grow into an adult who can define their flow, take charge of their life, be strong from the inside out.

Yet it is the Go With The Flow child I want to pull our attention to.

They are the “easy ones.” The quiet(er) ones. The ones who aren’t stirring the pot, are more likely to just go with the other child’s ideas, wants, desires. It brings us relief–“Whew. No argument to deal with there!” It makes it easier and simpler for us to focus on the Define The Flow child, where we think our attention needs to be.

Yet, I wonder. Sometimes those easy kids? They are often getting lost in all things reactive about our relationship with their Define The Flow sibling. They are watching. We are role modeling–role modeling just how to get lots of our attention.

And one day these Go With The Flow kids…well…they surprise us and REBEL. Or disappear even deeper into being compliant.

They learn either to get loud and disruptive to finally get our attention OR they learn to get quieter and more compliant in order to NOT get us all stirred up because it is scary for them. Both can be concerning.

So I’m thinking, even as we laugh at “Oh YES! My child defintely defines the flow!!!”, we must PAUSE, look to our other children and NOTICE their quiet joining in with whatever their sibling decides or how they are easily and at length (and therefore letting us put all our attention elsewhere) focused on something or how quietly creative they are and actively name it, appreciate it, notice it.

This is key for growing the strengths and qualities we want in our child…it is key for putting our attention to what we want more of.

Ideas for you:

“I appreciate how you are accepting of your brother’s idea and are willing to go along with it–that really helps. We’ll have fun! And I look forward to hearing what YOUR idea is going to be for later today…” And you be sure you find out and encourage their idea for later…rather then letting it get lost in the energy of Mr. Define The Flow.

“You are quiet today. It looks like you are putting a lot of your attention on your project. I look forward to hearing about your work.” And when the attention moves from the project, you get to re-connect with, “Can you tell me about your work now? I’d really like to hear…” What a way to let your Go With The Flow child know what they do is important to you .

“Thank you for sharing your things with your sister. She was really excited to have a turn and you kindly stopped with your turn to help her out. When you are ready to have her return it, let her know.” And you stay tuned in, so if your Go With The Flow one indicates wanting items back, you are there to back them up as needed…to help them assert their selves in healthy, confident ways.

“You know, I bet it gets hard listening to your brother argue so much. I am sure you have some things you’d like to say, too. Would you like to tell me now?” And then you actively listen and stay fully focused on your Go With The Flow child…

“It worries you when your sister is so upset that she didn’t get her way. I can tell you want to help her feel better! Let’s give her a little time to get her mad out and think together about what we can do after she’s calmed down a bit.” This, when that Go With The Flow child tries to appease the upset Define The Flow sibling by quickly sharing or doing things just to make them less upset…and the Define The Flow sees it as a way to manipulate things…

Most importantly, be observant. Notice when things are going smoothly in your household and even as you feel relieved and discover you have time to get things done, be sure to appreciate how your child or children are engaged, focused, sharing, compromising, collaborating.

Put YOUR attention to just what you want more of–respectfully, maybe after the fact or maybe during–so you can be certain your kids know for sure the kinds of behavior and abilities that make for healthy lives and relationships.

Let your Go With The Flow child know, for sure, you appreciate their ease.

Let them know the strengths you see in them-–and that you appreciate how they utilize them.

Make sure they KNOW you are paying attention, that you see their confident, capable, self-directed selves show up in ways you truly appreciate.

Let your Define The Flow child know through your ability to calm yourself down, that yes, there are limits to what they can do. That yes, there are certain rules in your household to abide by. That yes, there are results to their choices. And appreciate the SPIRIT of their stubborn, endlessly negotiating, testing nature. For these are key for successful adulthood when accepted and then channeled in productive ways.

It’s hard work and it is important work. You and your children are worth it.

Here’s to you today!

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

3’s and 4’s Can Be HARD

December 8, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

3’s and 4’s can be HARD…and they can leave you wondering just what happened to your little one, who–not so long ago–was an agreeable and enjoyable little soul? All of a sudden their EXUBERANCE can become trying…testing…exhausting. SO…

HOW do you parent respectfully with

an over-the-top, EXUBERANT, volcanic-ly

erupting preschooler??

HOW do you stay calm, consistent, connected when all youwant to do is scream, yank, cry, shut-down–make it all go away?

Just because your preschooler is testing you like crazy does NOT mean you have failed at parenting respectfully, peacefully, positively. And preschoolers? They WILL test you like crazy. Loudly. Exuberantly. Endlessly. I want you to know that. They will and you CAN (parent respectfully!).

This over-the-top behavior? It means your child is ready to grow, become more independent, learn new things, get stronger from the inside out. Know this is possible BECAUSE of your work at parenting respectfully.

So how? With connection. Okay, maybe a few other things, as well, such as keeping your promises, clear expectations, choice choice choice, showing them over and over what they CAN do. And endless patience. Remember to deposit into your Self-Care Account often!

And it is with connection that is paramount. Connection that says:

~You can count on me to keep it together no matter how you decide to behave. What a way to communicate confidence to your child, a safe (emotional and physical) space for them to “bang around” in.

~You can trust me to keep my promises–you can count on what I say is what I mean AND will do calmly, gently, consistently. What a way to build the essential foundation of trust.

~I will sit beside you while you are a puddle of tears. I will wait with you; I will be quiet and know just when to encourage you gently, perhaps a bit light-heartedly, perhaps just with open arms to hold you.

~I will stay near while you finish your tantrum. I will keep you safe and others around you safe. I will manage my own upset and embarrassment so you don’t have to. (So often our work at “getting them to stop/behave” is more about our embarrassment and discomfort. How we choose to handle our feelings directly influences how and what our child learns.)

~I understand how you feel and you know this because I say things like: “You are really mad that we have to leave. It’s hard for me to leave my friends, too. Shall we make plans to see them again soon?” “It really is frustrating when your little brother gets right into the middle of your work.” “I can see how sad you feel about not having a turn. You really like having turns at this game. Me, too…”

~I give you choices for how you CAN use your EXUBERANT self in appropriate ways: “You really want to be loud! Inside libraries are for quieter voices. Let’s go outside where you can be as LOUD as you’d like.” “ZOOM! You can run fast! You know what? The church has a rule of only walking. How about we go find the best running place of all together? I wonder where it might be…” “Ouch! Hitting hurts me! I can tell you are super mad right now. Sometimes you really need to HIT to get that mad out–we can go whack the couch pillows together, or maybe you can try high-fiving me on my hand with all your energy…”

~You can count on me to let you know what to expect. What a way for a child to feel more secure when his world is predictable: “We leave in 5 minutes. What would you like to finish up before we leave?” “When we are done reading these books, it is time to…” “When we head out the door to preschool, you’ll need your boots and coat ready to go. Do you want to stuff them in your backpack or wear them out to the car?” And then you keep your promise and follow-through no matter what your child chooses or how your child decides to behave.

A few more for you during those challenging moments…all with the intent to keep connection at the forefront and parenting respectfully leading the way:

“Looks like it is too hard for you to choose, so I will choose for you.” Then you do, calmly, matter-of-factly…respectfully.

“I’d be happy to listen to you/play with you when you calm down.” And maybe they need help in calming down–gently led to a quieter place, sat with without direct attention, held…or just given a space to be for awhile…

“Ohhh…that hurt your sister. She is really sad. I see how upset you are that she came in and wrecked your Lego structure. That just doesn’t feel fair, does it? I wonder what can help her and you feel better?” And you listen. Brainstorm. Comfort both as needed. Be available.

“I can hear you talking to me (as they whine…). You have something important to tell me.”

“It is really tough to share your toy with your friend. When you push and grab, it hurts his feelings. What is it you’d like to say?” Keep your attention on how you’d like them to handle things, rather than scolding for what they did…what we focus on grows, so choose with care where you put your attention.

Calm connection. Respectful parenting.

What does this require from you?

The ability to PAUSE. To calm YOUR self, first. To know, without a doubt, you are your child’s calm, confident leader. To know, without a doubt, this is all about growth and learning, rather than problems to fix.

It asks you to be OKAY with feeling embarrassed, mad, frustrated–what a way to role-model for your over-the-top preschooler that you, too, feel all these feelings AND can be counted on to manage them well. Show your child what you do with your big feelings. Acknowledge and affirm your own–it’ll make it easier for you to PAUSE and do the same for your child.

This is a slow process–never a quick fix. Know that. And as a result of trusting your ability to parent respectfully and letting calm connection lead the way, you will discover your preschooler to morph into a cooperative, communicative, collaborative, totally awesome 5- or 6-year-old.

Just in time to gather yourself back together, enjoy family life once again, and be ready (and stronger!) for the next round of tumultuous times. At about 6.5 years of age. Hang on to your hat!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

React, Correct, Direct…

August 8, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

React, Correct, Direct…

We do this. Sometimes all day long. With our kids, our partners (just ask my husband or daughters!), our friends, our co-workers and maybe even ourselves…

We react and then correct what they say, do, or feel. We tell them what they should say, do, or feel. And the sad thing is how it can ultimately leave all those involved feeling quite DIS-connected from one another. I’m sure you’ve felt this—when your partner or co-worker tells you what you did wrong, how to do it right, and how it can leave you feeling embarrassed, uncomfortable, resentful, often begrudgingly doing it their way, the right way, the whatever way. And now—disconnection. Big time. Uncomfortable, awkward, upsetting DIS- connection.

This is how our children feel as we go through the day reacting, correcting and directing.

You know the drill, I’m sure. Your child is re-counting a story filled with lots of big feelings (hers) to daddy—maybe one about a Great Big Fall she had, or how a favorite dish broke, or that when she wanted a turn with her friend’s scooter, her friend was MEAN and wouldn’t let her.

You, listening in, find yourself saying, “Honey, it wasn’t that big of a fall. You hardly got hurt. Tell daddy how we went to the park and how much fun you had there.” Or, “No, no, no. The dish didn’t just fall by itself and break! You were not being careful and dropped it. Next time you better let me handle the dish.” Or, “I think you should tell daddy how you weren’t very nice to your friend and wouldn’t share your bike with her, so of course she didn’t want to give you a turn on her scooter!”

Or maybe the React, Correct, Direct, looks more like this:

As your child studies the sky and states quite loudly how it is GREEN today, you say, “Skies are blue, sweetie. Be sure to say the right color.”

As your child exuberantly colors with BIG strokes across his coloring book page, you say, “Stay in the lines! Here, this is how you do that…”

When your child shows you how she has finished her math worksheet for school and is ready to head out to play, you take a quick look and see that a number of the problems are incorrectly answered. You say, “You didn’t do those right. These questions are wrong. You can’t go outside to play. Sit down and finish it correctly.” And when she gets really frustrated and upset, you say, “You don’t need to be so mad. Just sit down and get it done!”

Maybe your child experiences a Great Big Sad to him and melts down in a heap with HUGE alligator tears and you say, “Don’t cry. Here, this is how you do it. See? I did it for you! You don’t need to be so upset.”

So many examples. We all fall into this React, Correct, Direct. And it is the disconnection that results that really is what makes everything else so darn hard. And even though we do this with good intentions—helping our children learn what we see as positive, productive, and “right”—we actually are communicating so many relationship-depleting things…such as:

“You need me to tell you what to do.” “I don’t have confidence in your abilities…” “How you feel isn’t important.” “I know better than you how you feel!” YIKES.

And just think how the wonderful, creative, imaginative ideas are now squashed, exuberance is dimmed, self-confidence undermined, upset often resulting. Now our kids are more likely to resist, push our buttons as they react right back at us, or perhaps withdraw as they silently comply. Now OUR job as parents just gets harder.

DIS-connection. It really makes everything harder.

What to do? How about PAUSE, first and foremost. Consider your words and your intent. Start with a question or describe what you see. Affirm feelings, always! It really is a simple “recipe” that can be oh so hard to follow. Again, just ask my husband. Or daughters. You see, I write so much about what I’m needing the most, too :-).

So try this. Think instead: PAUSE, Reflect, Partner, (Re)-Connect.

Then try a few of these on:

“You have so much to share with daddy!” And maybe that’s as far as you really need to go :-). Affirming and descriptive. And oh, the possibilities left wide open for all those ideas and stories to e-x-p-a-n-d, be relished, hopefully lived. Or those more productive choices gently shared and talked about—all because you chose to PAUSE, Reflect, Partner, and keep connection at the forefront.

“Yes, the dish did break. I wonder what would help all of us be more careful with the dishes…hmmm….” Describing rather than blaming. Reflection. This “Reflect” word? It goes two ways—it can be reflecting back what your child is saying OR it can be you taking the moment to consider just what you really want before stepping in to partner alongside your child. Ever so respectful.

“You and your friend had a hard time today, didn’t you? It’s not much fun when that happens. Do you have any ideas for tomorrow when you two are together again?” What a way to let your child know hard times are just that, hard times, and that they have the power to do things differently and explore their own ideas for creating positive change. Relationship building on so many levels! What a way to Partner…

“The sky looks GREEN to you! Can you tell me what more you see as you look so high in the sky?” What a way to encourage and affirm their creative, imaginative selves, to Reflect and Partner alongside as you crane your neck up to study the ever-so-GREEN sky!

“Look at all the coloring you are doing in your coloring book! WOW!” And if lines are an absolute to stay within, then, “You really want to color with BIG strokes. This book is for practicing inside the lines. Would this paper work for all those BIG strokes of yours?” Reflecting what you see. Partnering as you show your child the possibilities…

“I can see you’ve finished your math worksheet. Are you feeling good about the work you’ve put into it? Great! You can head outside to play until dinner, if you like.” Or, “You’re done! Would you like to go over it with me now, or after you play outside?” What confidence in their abilities is communicated! What a way to Partner with your child to help them feel capable, successful, in charge of themselves. What a way to grow the kind of Connection that builds relationships in such healthy ways.

“Oh how SAD you are! It really was upsetting for you.” And instead of hurrying up to “fix” the sad, sit in it for a bit. What a respectful way to say, “Your feelings matter.” What a way to Reflect so they can better understand their feelings. What a way to Partner in their Great Big Sad. Truly a deposit into growing the kind of Connection you want the most—calm, respectful, trusting…

And now your child more likely feels heard, listened to, understood–respected. They are given a chance to think their own thoughts, share them in their own way, reflect on and beyond whatever they are experiencing. And now? They grow their ability to manage themselves that much more. To grow their capable, competent, creative selves. To problem solve, dream, share, think, listen, and hear :-).

And to feel truly and wonderfully connected. What a way to grow. What a way to THRIVE. What a way to feel affirmed and empowered, wanting to learn more, curious about life, feeling increasingly confident from the inside out. And now? When we DO have to correct and direct? Disconnection no longer rules, for the foundation of connection is strongly in place. Now any disconnection that is felt is more likely to be talked about, expressed productively, understood, forgiven, and turned into the connection that is key for growing well.

Today, PAUSE, Reflect, Partner, and (Re)-Connect. What a difference this can make. You and your child are worth all the work you are doing to parent well.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Oh Those BIG Alligator Tears!

July 23, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

Story time! One full of BIG feelings.

A mama caring for a 4-year-old (Mr. G), a 3.5-year-old (Mr. K), and two infants–8 and 10-months old. And a visitor (me), Miss Alice.

A handful, at times. You know, preschoolers being out-of-bounds, LOUD and BIG, insistent and ever-so-exuberant in all things? And boys, to boot.

Mama was rocking one baby to sleep, and another was crawling all around. Boys playing EXUBERANTLY downstairs….and then:

“NO! NONONONONONONONO!” STOP!!!” Feet pounding up the stairs, BIG alligator tears and wails and all-things-UPSET.

And here’s the beginning of what I had the privilege to witness. A lovely, just-right working through of BIG feelings that was all-things-relationship BUILDING and all-things positive and essential growth for young children.

Mama slowly and calmly moved from rocking baby, to kneeling down on the floor, opening up her arms and Mr. K. poured himself into her lap…Mr. G stood next to her, his words running over themselves as he said,

“Mr. K tugged and pulled and I wanted to go see Miss Alice and he PULLED my shirt like THIS and and and…”

Tears of discontent and “NONONO! I wanted Miss Alice and my Quiet Time and he he he he…” from Mr. K sobbing in Mama’s lap.

Mama, calm and quiet, rubs Mr. K’s back as he buries his head, reaches out and touches Mr. G and says to him, “Mr K tugged and pulled on your shirt and you didn’t like that.”

Mr. G, “NO. I didn’t! I wanted to see Miss Alice FIRST!”

Mama, “You wanted to get up the stairs fast to see Miss Alice.”

Mr. G, “YES. And he..he..he pulled on me like THIS…and I didn’t LIKE it and I didn’t want to stop…” and he took a breath and stopped for a moment. Mama looked at him and smiled in an understanding way.

Then Mama turned her attention to Mr K, “Mr K, I’d like to listen to what you want to tell me, now.” And Mr K broke out into fresh sobs and said, “I wanted to do my Quiet Time with Miss Alice and Mr G wouldn’t let me and he wouldn’t STOP when I said STOP so I pulled on his shirt to STOP him….”

Mama, “You really wanted to see Miss Alice and invite her to join you for your Quiet Time. You were really worried that you wouldn’t be able to do this because Mr G wanted to see Miss Alice, too.”

“Yeeeeeessssssss!”

Mama paused. She looked at Mr G standing there next to her, listening intently with furrowed brow and said, “Mr G, how are you feeling right now?”

And here’s where something lovely happened–Mr G PAUSED. He thought for a moment…and then said, “Happy…AND mad!” To our complete delight and surprise, as you can imagine! Yet it made sense…

Happy because he had been listened to. Happy because he could count on being heard and respected. Happy because real and meaningful attention was being given to something very serious to two little boys. MAD because he really didn’t LIKE having his clothes tugged and pulled on. MAD because he really wanted to “go see Miss Alice first.” And able to express both because attention to feelings has been meaningful work in his family.

And Mr K chuckled. In the midst of his sobs, he heard Mr. G’s words and they brought a bit of laughter and lightness even to Mr K.

Then Mama, also smiling a bit, said, “Mr K, how do YOU feel right now?” And that bit of laughter subsided and he said, “I’m NOT happy. I’m SAD.”

And tears all over again.

This mama? She sat on the floor in the midst of all the Great Big Mad and Sad. She reflected back to each boy what they said. She listened carefully to both. She never once tried to solve their conflict. She never once offered up a distraction or tried to hurry through it all. She never ONCE admonished Mr G for pushing past Mr K to “be first” or Mr K for pulling on Mr G’s clothes to try to stop him. This was important, for this really wasn’t where the real learning needed to be. It needed to be on understanding feelings and being heard and comforted for both boys to actually learn and grow and eventually listen and understand each other. And eventually NOT push past or tug on clothes.

She sat in this all even with one baby crawling up and over and around and in and out and the other fussing a bit since the rocking had slowed. Also both needing some attention…and yet…seemingly able to wait.

She just sat and listened as they re-hashed and re-told and re-demonstrated what felt like an injustice on both their parts.

You’d think it would go on forever, with no distraction or new idea or “Okay, boys, enough already” from Mama. But instead, they both–ON THEIR OWN–reached the point of done. They BOTH felt heard, comforted, sorted out. They both got to that place of feeling in charge of their feelings, in charge of themselves, and empowered because of this.

Seven minutes. That is what this took. And then Mr K got up from Mama’s lap, grabbed his Quiet Time backpack, took Miss Alice’s hand and off they went to be together.

Mr G watched them go, then turned to Mama and said, “Let’s play hide and seek!”

That’s all. I had the privilege of watching all of this. I had to work at pausing, too, you know. I wanted to “jump in” a bit. All those BIG feelings? They feel a bit uncomfortable. You want to fix them, make them go away, stop them. I knew better and I paused, but I want you to know I, too, can feel uncomfortable in another’s big feelings.

I took my lead off of Mama. I took my lead off of my own words to all of you. I let a PAUSE lead MY way. It let me watch. Listen with care. Notice and appreciate. And it had me going to kneel next to the boys near the end of it all and offer my hand to Mr K and let him know I, too, was ready for Quiet Time.

Truly a lovely, important, necessary exchange for all.

**Find PAUSE and all of Alice’s books here!**

Today, let a PAUSE lead your way. Let it slow you down a bit, allow you to really listen to another, observe a situation, notice what can be appreciated. What a difference this makes. A real, meaningful difference. These two boys? They still have challenges and conflicts with each other. AND they move through them more and more on their own. Because they CAN. They know they will be heard, respected, understood. And really, that can make all the difference.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Say You’re Sorry!

May 24, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional 4 Comments

“Say you’re sorry!” “Go apologize and MEAN it.” “You don’t sound like you’re sorry to me!” “She won’t want to be your friend anymore if you don’t apologize right now…”

Sound familiar? This is a hot topic for many–we want our kids to have good manners, to truly feel and show compassion for another, to want to apologize from a heartfelt, authentic place.

Yet when we tell them “Say you’re sorry!” what are we really communicating? I think:

~I need you to apologize so I can feel better about what just happened…

~This is how we fix problems…

~I need you to do what I say so I can feel I’m a good parent…

~You need me to tell you how to feel and behave…

~I’m in control of you…(bigger and stronger wins)

~Integrity is secondary to apologies–what you do doesn’t have to be aligned with how you feel or think…just do it anyway.

Whew. Maybe not the message we really want to give. Yes, manners are important and apologies necessary.

Encouraging the growth of this from within–a genuine desire to (re)connect and show compassion, being in our integrity–is essential for healthy relationships.

Think about it. How might YOU feel if, after being hurt deeply by a friend they brushed you off with a cursory “I’m sorry…” or after a tearful yelling match with your teen that left you feeling raw, your spouse said, “How could you lose it like that?! You need to go apologize to him!”

I’d venture to say you might feel more hurt, maybe misunderstood and alone, or even mad.

Often situations our children are in that we catch ourselves telling them to go apologize are defined by just the same kinds of feelings. Hurt whether they are the one doing the hurting or being hurt; frustrated and mad their favorite toy was grabbed, a cool idea rejected, some other injustice experienced; misunderstood because their feelings and thoughts weren’t respected, because the adult missed all that led up to the conflict, because they weren’t listened to; alone because they are misunderstood, not listened to, hurt on the inside, feeling rejected; MAD because they really didn’t like what their buddy did and their feelings overflowed…

Having your child say “I’m sorry” is going to do very little for a child to grow an understanding of how they feel, why they feel, what they can do with all these feelings–all precursors to compassion. The words I’m sorry” are more often about our need, not our child’s.

So what CAN you do to grow the genuine, integrity based, heartfelt ability to apologize?

~Role model, always. Be genuine with your own apologies. Voice compassion for your child, others, and their situation.

~Name and affirm feelings of all parties involved. Just think, if your spouse, following the tearful yelling match with your teen, had said “Honey that was really tough. Let me hold you for a minute while you pull yourself together” how might you now feel? How might that change the next step you took? I bet you’d feel connected, understood, cared for–and in a better position to now re-connect with your son and apologize for losing it. And it would have come from a genuine place within you.

~Give choices/ideas: “What can you do to help him feel better?” “When you are ready to let her know you feel sorry, she’ll appreciate it.” “Can you use your words or would you like to show her you feel sorry?” Words, smiles, pats, sharing a toy, playing next to–these are all authentic ways kids can show they are sorry.

~Notice what your child chooses/does on their own to express their apology/their feelings and name it: “Thank you for offering your special stuffed guy to your friend. You wanted to help him feel better. What a nice thing to do to let him know you felt sorry.” Or, “I can tell you are letting him know you feel sorry for hurting his feelings…” Now they learn that their gesture is welcomed and affirmed, leading to–in time–using their words as well as their actions in authentic ways.

And now you are helping your child learn a bit more about what healthy, caring relationships look like.

Genuine apologies are on their way. It takes time to grow a child who can tap into their inner selves and respond with compassion and honesty in a difficult situation. Time, patience, and gentle guidance…trust this. “I’m sorry” will follow…and be truly meant.

Relationship building all around…

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Which Story Will Be Yours?

May 21, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

A story with a do-over for you (and how we all wish for a do-over at times!):

A favorite very public play place. A 4-year-old and her mother. A break to use the potty and a preschooler who could stand at the sink and wash hands F-O-R-E-V-E-R.

Mama wanted to move back into the play area–for she knew well enough that if her daughter didn’t have enough time she could count on an embarrassing fit to be thrown. She felt the tension rise as she tried convincing her preschooler to finish quickly so that they could have time to play more.

Miss Four would have none of it: “NO! I’m not DONE.”

Bribing her didn’t work and threatening her that she’d have no more time to play fell on deaf ears. Mama, frustration taking over, had enough of her daughter not obeying. She turned off the faucet and pulled Miss Four out of the bathroom. Her daughter screamed and kicked as Mama, frustrated, mortified, (and fuming!) yelled right back with, “You aren’t minding me so we are going home!”

Off she marched with screaming and crying Miss Four struggling in her arms, feeling all eyes upon her. The fighting persisted all the way out to the car. By the time Miss Four was buckled in—an enormous accomplishment with a writhing four-year-old—exhaustion reigned. For both Mama and child.

As they drove home, Mama, with tears streaming down her face, thought—“Why can’t she just behave? If she’d only listen. I feel so EMBARRASSED…”

The ride home was miserable as Miss Four moved from screams to sobs to a fitful sleep. Upon arriving home, things just never got better.Miss Four got woken up too soon as she was pulled out of her car seat, the tantrum continued, Mama–at her wits end–enforced a time-out, and they both felt out of sorts the rest of the afternoon.

Sound even remotely familiar? I am most certain that you have either participated in a similar scene, or found yourself uncomfortable as you watch one unfold with another parent, friend, family member.

Here’s the deal–we DO get embarrassed, tense, even mortified–and it can leave us fuming, trying harder and harder to just make our child behave the way WE want them to. Here’s where the Power of PAUSE and the calm connection that follows can step in and make a positive impact…

Let’s replay this story with Mama taking a pause (or two or three) and letting calm connection rule:

A favorite play place. A 4-year-old and her mother. A break to use the potty and a preschooler who could stand at the sink and wash hands F-O-R-E-V-E-R. Mama cringed at the potential of another round of tantrums from her preschool daughter. She knew her daughter really enjoyed what really became water play, but it usually meant a fit that playtime had to be shortened.

Mama could feel the pressure climb as she tried convincing Miss Four to be done so they can go play some more. Miss Four had none of it—“NO! I’m not DONE.”

Mama sighed. “Here we go again,” she thought!

She PAUSED by taking a deep breath and considered what she knew usually worked well for her daughter to move through these experiences with a bit more grace. She certainly had lots of experiences to reflect on, for they seem to come every 20 minutes or so… :-).

She began with letting her daughter know she could wash for one more minute and then it would be time to be all done. Something Mama knew for sure was how important it was for her daughter to have a sense of control via knowing just what to expect.

The minute passed, Miss Four was given the opportunity to turn off her faucet, yet still resisted :-). Water play really is fun!

Mama, who continued her PAUSE by staying quiet and focusing on relaxing during that extra minute (letting go of the WET that seemed to get everywhere!), calmly followed through what she had promised and reached over to turn off the faucet.

LOUD screams and tears burst forth from Miss Four.

Mama then took a few more deep breaths, reminded herself that these were tough experiences for preschoolers, and that she wanted her little one to discover she COULD handle the disappointment of being all done with something fun; that being disappointed and mad was okay and that Mama was someone she could count on to keep it together no matter how her daughter felt.

Mama’s pausing via breaths and encouraging self talk helped her act calm despite the fit from her daughter. She, acting as if she had the calm confidence she knew could make a difference, gathered up her puddle-of-a-four-year-old as best she could saying, “I know you wanted to wash for longer. It’s disappointing when you have to be done with something fun” and took her out into the hall that led back to the play place. “Here’s a good place to get your mad out. I will be right here and when you’ve calmed down and feel ready, we can go play some more.”

Miss Four continued with her MAD—yelling at her mom, lying on the floor kicking and crying.

A play place attendant appeared—“Is everything okay?” “Yes,” said Mama, “My daughter is feeling mad and disappointed that she had to be all done with washing up. When she is done getting her mad out, we’ll head back to play.”

And Mama waited–a PAUSE once again! Respectfully so.

Miss Four eventually wound down and Mama stepped close saying, “I can see you are feeling calmer. Are you ready to go play a bit more?”

“YES!” her daughter exclaimed. And off they went, with Miss Four zipping ahead saying, “Watch me, mommy!” Fours have an amazing power to flip from incredibly frustrating to wonderfully delightful :-).

When it was time to head home, Mama fully expected a total meltdown once again, and was pleasantly surprised (and relieved!) to find that instead her daughter expressed her sadness with her words and stomping feet, “I don’t WANT to go. I LIKE it here…can we come back soon???” instead of kicking and screaming. They commiserated together as they stomped out to the car, buckling in with little effort. They returned home, shared a snack, and had an unremarkable afternoon together.

With her Mama creating pauses for herself, and leading the way with calm connection, Miss Four was able to better manage HER self all through the afternoon.

Whew! What a difference! Know this can be your experience, as well. With practice, a PAUSE, and the resulting calm confidence that can follow, you can expect (over time) a child who manages challenging moments with far more grace–for they will feel more in charge, capable, and confident.

And the best part? Parenting can get a bit easier. Let my book, “Parenting Inspired,” help YOU create the positive change you want the most. Know that this story (from PAUSE) and more await you as you read my book(s)…

Make it great today!
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Choice, but my choice, please!

January 18, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

No, no! If you do that, mommy is going to be so sad…”

“If you don’t make the right choice, you are going to lose your iPad…privilege…treat…play-time…books…”

“You have a choice to make, young man! You can either do it the way we said, or you’ll be in trouble.”

Sound familiar? I was talking with a parent recently who mentioned how she gives choices and always tells her child to make the “right choice” so he won’t get in trouble and she won’t get mad. I paused, and then delved a bit deeper and heard more of her stories and talked with her a bit about just what this kind of choice often communicates…

When we find ourselves (and we all do this at times!) giving choices contingent on how we will feel or with what can be heard as a “threat” or really not a choice at all when we say “do it the right way!” then what we are really communicating to our children is their only choice is to either comply or rebel.

There is little room for independent thought and action, for someone to choose based on what THEY feel they want, should do, would like–for they are far too focused on OUR demands.

There is little room for them to feel capable and competent as they can (and need to) when they have the opportunity to choose, discover and experience the result of their choice, and learn a bit more about managing themselves.

Being asked to make the “right choice” so we won’t get mad and they won’t get in trouble communicates that they are responsible for how we feel (pretty tough place for a child, to feel like they are in charge of our feelings); it communicates “I’m the boss and I know what you need/should do/want better than YOU do…” (which can grow children who always look to others to tell them what they need/should do/want…); and it can communicate disrespect. Probably not what anyone ever intends. And yes, we often DO know what they “should” do for we are many years older and have many experiences tucked under our belt and we really don’t want our kids to make the mistakes we did. If they’d only listen . And we often work very hard to get them to listen, to do it our way, the right way, the way that makes things easier for them–and us.

So really, this kind of choice that leaves our kids either complying (whew!) or rebelling (yikes) is more about OUR anxiety as parents–about our lack of confidence, our need to feel “in control”, about looking like a “good parent”, about maybe just really wanting to get out the door in one piece and with all that everyone needs for the day .

Which, of course, happens (just wanting to get out the door in one piece)–and when we can slowly tip the balance towards healthier ways to give and respond to choices, it matters very little if there is a now and again day of “making kids comply” to make the moment easier for us.

What can we do to influence our kids in such a way that they decide on their own to make more productive choices? To focus on themselves and how they feel, what they like/don’t like, what is their responsibility….? To really grow from the inside out?

PAUSE.

Focus first on YOUR self and take care of your feelings–whether it is anger, sadness, frustration, feeling overwhelmed. “Take care” can be a moment to breathe, a chance for a self-care deposit, a quiet affirmation to yourself of how you feel.

Be clear on the expectations for your child–and give them a choice without asking them to choose what YOU want them to choose.

Respect their choice by following through with the results of their choice from a place of calm connection–what an incredible way to communicate respect for and belief in who they are becoming. What a way for them to focus on their experience, how it feels, and learn a bit more about what they can do.

What does “respect their choice” look like? I believe:

“You chose to still throw your toy cars. Up they go now onto the fridge, parked safely until tomorrow…” And you calmly gather them up and place them up high–allowing the mad your child will feel and express, showing compassion via, “I know. It really makes you mad that you can’t play with your cars anymore today.” Empathize. Help them take the PAUSE they need to calm themselves down. Offer up your company or something else they can do or throw. Know that how they feel about the result of their choice to throw and how you decide to respond to them is key in helping them learn a bit more about managing themselves.

“I feel sad that you were so frustrated with your work that you ripped it up. Is there anything I can do to help?” And then you sit in their sad or mad for awhile or ask what they’d like to do to help themselves or you gently show them ways to take care of their frustration. If they show concern over your sad, you get to let them know that it is okay for you to be sad…just as it is okay for them to be frustrated. Maybe hugs will follow…Or maybe a need to rip up lots more paper is in order…or maybe they just need to stew a bit until they are ready to try again.

“You know our house rule of no dirty dishes left in your room–and you know that it costs you the privilege of using the iPad for the afternoon.” And you follow through by removing the iPad, calmly and matter-of-factly, allowing the feelings that may be expressed, empathizing and letting calm connection lead as much as possible. Now the attention is less on you (though it may not seem that way as they rage…) and more on the choice they made and how it feels to lose a privilege they enjoy so much–more likely influencing in such a way they will choose a more productive direction the next time around (like bring their dishes into the kitchen–or maybe all the way to the dishwasher!).

Now what can be learned?

That they are responsible for the choice they make and the results that follow.

Not you, but them–and they learn a bit more about how they feel about the results, rather than being focused on how we feel. They learn they can count on us to keep it together no matter how they feel or behave. What a way to grow trust! They learn they can count on us to walk alongside them as they experience the results of their choices, rather than stand over them saying, “I told you so! If you’d only listened…” And as our children have more and more opportunities to experience the results of their choices alongside a calm, consistent, connected adult, the more they learn about themselves, from the inside out.

What a way to grow a future adult who can more likely take responsibility for themselves, be self-directed and in charge of their feelings, know more about themselves from the inside out. What a way to (slowly) make your job as a parent a bit easier–and for you to grow yourself from the inside-out, able to manage your feelings and grow your more confident self. Now how could this parenting deal feel with you feeling calmer and more confident, letting calm connection rule?

PAUSE today.

Give your child the

gift of choice and your calm, consistent follow-through. Give them–and you–the gift that growing and learning

always can be.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Let’s Talk Sharing

September 3, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

Let’s talk sharing. I found myself lingering in our local library recently, enjoying the ‘learn, play, read’ area they’ve created for infants to preschoolers. I watched how parents quietly sat on the floor and stayed present to their exploring little ones. I loved the access to so many fabulous books.

And I heard the inevitable “Share!” “No, no, be nice, you have to share.” “You can’t have that, you have to share it.”

This sharing deal? It really is more about us than our children.

Think about it. Developmentally it is between 3 and 5 that children really grasp what sharing is all about. Yet we demand our toddlers and young preschoolers to somehow just ‘know’ how to do it. And whew, wouldn’t it be nice if they did! No fighting, arguing, grabbing…all is fine and easy and we can feel like good parents.

Sharing requires understanding of ours and another’s feelings and desires. Sharing is about being creative with another as you use something together, it is about being compassionate and giving, it is about being respectful.

How do our young ones grow into the sharing mode?

By our understanding of THEIR feelings and desires, our compassion, our giving, our being respectful of them. This includes beginning with complete ownership over something.

Take a moment and think about your teen years…say you had worked many hours to save up for the beautiful new sweater or dress that you finally bought and your sister demands wearing it prior to you (since you were saving it for that special date sometime in the future) and your parent insisted you “be kind and share, for heaven’s sake”–how might you feel?

I believe you’d feel resentful. You might share, but begrudgingly. It might make you mad. It might even leave you feeling guilty, for not feeling gracious and sharing willingly. And think about how it might influence your relationship with your sister–-probably in less than wonderful ways. This is what is what happens when we, out of our own desire to have our children ‘be nice’ and have what seems to be conflict go away, make our little ones share.

What to do, instead? Respect ownership. If a young toddler knows for sure their time with an item is fully respected, if that is the norm for them that they can be fully submerged in their exploration of whatever toy, then when they feel done it is a simple extension to letting the next toddler have it. All we have to do is respect their feelings, their time, their choice.

Scenarios for you:

“You want a turn with the stuffed kitty.” PAUSE and wait. “Timmy, Grace wants a turn with the kitty.” Wait and watch. “Oh, Grace. It looks like Timmy isn’t done with the kitty. Would you like to play with the truck or read a book while you wait for a turn?”

“It makes you mad that you can’t have the kitty right now. It’s hard to wait, isn’t it? Let’s go over here together and I can help you wait for your turn.”

“When you grab the book, it makes Sally mad. She wasn’t done with it.” PAUSE. “Sally, do you want to finish looking at the book or can Erik have it?” Wait quietly. “Looks like Sally wants to finish reading the book. Erik, can you hand it back or would you like me to help you?” PAUSE once again. “Here, I will help you give it back. I know, you really want a turn. Maybe we can read it together? Or maybe you and I can read THIS book until Sally is done.”

“Hmmm. I see two children who both want the puzzle.” PAUSE. “Wow, Mikey REALLY wants to use it and Sarah is already working with the pieces.” Wait. “Is there another puzzle in this room that we could find?” “Is there something else Mikey might want to play with–Sarah, could you find something for Mikey while he waits for you to be all done?” Or…”Here’s a piece for you to work with, Mikey. Sarah, are you going to put your piece in? Mikey, where does yours fit? Look how you can both work on the puzzle!”

And when sharing naturally occurs? When two little ones are both exploring one thing, or handing something over, or giving a piece of theirs to another? Then you get to let them know “You are sharing! Marie likes it when you share a piece of your snack.” What we focus on grows

Now what is learned–whether a conflict or natural sharing?

Respect. Understanding of feelings. Greater awareness of their own feelings and another’s. What to do when there is conflict.

All necessary for future sharing. The cool thing? As you PAUSE and observe before even jumping in, you may notice these little ones handle it just fine between them. Maybe when a toy is grabbed from another, the other doesn’t mind. Neither should we. They are learning. Maybe when a toy is grabbed it gets grabbed back. Wait. See how it plays out.

Intervention really is only necessary when big feelings take over or hitting/biting begins. Now it’s time to step in, describe what you see, affirm feelings, and PAUSE, always PAUSE through-out, giving your child the opportunity to process and respond. You may be surprised with what they decide to do.

Sharing begins with respect for feelings, ownership, unhurried time.

When a young child feels respected–when their time with something is honored–they naturally will ‘share’ with another. What does this require from us? PAUSING, always :-). Calming our anxiety over what seems like conflict, fighting, disagreements, unfairness. Calming ourselves down as we find ourselves with other parents who do it differently. I know what worked for me was to stay focused on the children involved rather than talk with the other parent. Or I would say, “Let’s see how our kids work it out, first.” Or we’d just chalk up a disintegrating situation to just that. A disintegrating situation. An opportunity to affirm feelings and get the heck out of there.

Relax today. Let your toddler and young preschooler finish what they are doing. Show them the respect you want to see in them as they grow. Trust the process–sharing evolves. Naturally, and often later. Honor the steps one at a time that will create the foundation for not only sharing, but positive and healthy relationships. There is no hurry.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Just LISTEN to me!

August 22, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

We want, at times quite desperately, our words alone to work–aka: Just LISTEN to me!

You know the drill:

…your preschooler gets extra lively in a public place–perhaps ‘over the top’ lively. Maybe pulling things off shelves in a store, or running pell-mell in and out of other people, or just bursting with LOUD. You find yourself saying, over and over, “Please stop. Put that back. Hold still. Be quiet. COME HERE NOW…” Over and over and over, to no avail.

...your teen is propped up in front of their computer, Facebook, chat, a favorite TV series all on at the same time. Homework and chores are looming over (your!) head. You find yourself nagging, threatening, bribing–“Get your homework done. Remember to clean the bathroom. Get off of Facebook! If you don’t get onto your jobs soon, I’m going to…” Over and over and over, to no avail.

Your child? They see it is a ticket to do it more, louder, bigger, messier, with sass, THAT tone, you name it. And your anxiety, embarrassment, frustration, and anger gets louder, bigger, messier, comes out with sass, THAT tone, you name it. Oh my, who is the adult in all of this? And things typically disintegrate further.

How would it feel to be confident your child can choose

appropriate behavior as necessary? That you can count on them to manage themselves well? That they can hear your words the first time and they ARE effective?

I’m betting it would feel absolutely wonderful if you felt confidence in both yourself and your child, in how you communicate, cooperate, collaborate. I’m betting you’d feel steadier and stronger from the inside out, and your child, too. I’m betting things would feel a bit more peaceful and positive. At least some of the time :-).

What might this take?

PAUSE. Always, always PAUSE. It really does come first and is

the foundation for all of this.

Then consider just what you really want the most. If you intend to grow a child who can, on their own, decide to listen, choose appropriate behaviors, be responsible for the choices they make, then it begins with you calming yourself down and recognizing your words alone are not enough–it is essential to say what you mean AND mean what you do. To take action.

Here’s the trick with little guys. Let PAUSE calm you down, then shove your anxiety and embarrassment out of the way, focus on your intent to help your child learn to manage themselves so maybe words alone COULD work eventually, step close to your child and perhaps:

...put your arms around them or your hand on their shoulder; kneel down to their level; maybe pick them up, rubber arms and all.

...steer them gently towards whatever the solution is–if it’s returning items to where they belong, know that you may end up doing most of the work as you gently keep them alongside you–and that’s okay.

...be willing to let them get mad; always affirm their feelings and wishes: “It makes you mad when I stop you from running pell-mell around the store. You’d like me to put you down. It’s not safe and I will hold you.” “You were having fun pulling all the cloth bags off the rack! You really don’t like it when I stop you. The bags belong on the rack…”

...be willing to let go of it all and leave the situation with your child–especially if they’ve reached the tantrum level. Now nothing you say will be heard or processed–calm connection is essential for them to regain self-control and be able to listen to you. It’s okay to head back to the car and leave the full grocery cart behind. It is equally okay to return to the store once calm has been restored–what a way to role model responsibility!

…know what can motivate them positively–-“When you calm down and we finish returning things to the shelves, I can tell you a funny story about…I can listen to your ideas…We can take daddy his lunch…” You are the expert on your child, and you know just what can help move them through a tough situation. Respect their feelings, take your time moving through the challenge, and then use what you know will have you heading the direction you want. My girls LOVED tiptoeing out to see if the ravens were splashing in all the puddles…eventually. After we worked through the MAD or SAD that was holding us up…:-)

And now you’ve communicated that your child

can count on you to keep it together no matter how they behave. That they can count on you to keep your promises and follow through with exactly what your words were saying.

What a powerful message–one that leaves a child feeling safe, able to trust you, secure in your calm connection. This is where children now can learn to manage themselves. Words alone only work when the foundation has been set via action defined by calm connection. A PAUSE allows you to be intentional with your word choice so you CAN follow through and keep your promise. Take care in your words–choose just what you really mean and will do.

Your older child or teen? Let your PAUSE give you time to reflect on just what kind of adult you want to send off into the world, find ways to calm your anxiety over their choices, be clear on what you expect. Self-care, remember? Key for being able to calm our anxiety!

Then let go. Let go of trying to control every little thing and instead consider just what it is you want your child to learn, how you want them to grow, and how best to do so. I remember well the push and pull over homework with my daughter and her finally saying, “Mom, if you keep nagging me about my homework, it’s just going to make me not do it!” And that is exactly what happens when we are caught up in reactivity–we tend to get more of just what we don’t want. I learned–and so did she. I paused, considered what I really wanted, and later went back to her with, “You are right. Homework is your responsibility and you don’t need me to remind you to do it. Here’s what I’m hoping–I ‘d like to know what your plans are to accomplish your work. That will help me be better at letting go of reminding (AKA nagging) you!”

This led to us making more of a team effort that resulted in my backing off and her stepping up. I had to let go of how she did her work (certainly not the way I’D do it!) and appreciate the fact she DID it–and my backing off gave her the message that I believed she was a capable student, able to take full responsibility for her choices (key for successful adulthood).

My words alone were not enough, the action that followed (staying quiet!) spoke volumes.

And here’s the cool thing. Our words alone CAN work--when you’ve set the foundation of trust necessary for your child to believe you. Trust built from your action. Say what you mean and mean what you do. Calmly. With connection.

Pay attention to what DOES work, right now, to use only your words–reflect on what it took to make this successful. I know my toddlers could hear, “Eyes only or one finger touches!” and be successful. It worked, because I had plenty of earlier practice with them, showing them just what I meant, following through with removing them (or the fragile item tempting them!) when they chose otherwise or offering more opportunity when they could just use eyes or one finger touches. What we focus on grows.

Consider where words alone work and consider what has led up to this success. Most likely these successes were preceded by your calm connection, respectful words, and gentle yet firm action.Reflecting on these times can empower you to move through the next “I wish my words alone would work…if they’d only listen to me…why do I have to say it over and over and over again…”…with the calm connection, clarity, and confidence your children need from you.

It takes resilience. Pausing often. Patience. A bit of creativity. Understanding of your child’s age, stage, and need. So be sure to take care of YOU along the way. Here’s something to help you along-–A Recipe for Parenting Success!

It really can make parenting easier…and definitely more joyful!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Tumultuous Teen Turmoil

July 13, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Door slamming. Talking back. The Last Word Battle. Tears and screaming and I Hate Yous. Sometimes right in your face…

Respectful parenting and the teen years? I have to admit, I floundered. A lot. As my eldest went through the inevitable growth phases that felt VERY TUMULTUOUS, I became as reactive as she.

Not very pretty. Certainly not very respectful. And definitely not very productive.

What worked? Pausing.

Yes, you hear about this from me all the time--because it works. Almost magically, sometimes surprising, and always helpful. Always. I learned to create that space I needed to focus first on myself to calm down a bit–and sometimes that meant heading downstairs to unload on my husband (and maybe sending HIM up, first); or sometimes turning my back and heading into the kitchen to swipe at the counter–only a brief moment, but that’s all it took to give me the second I needed to breathe. The second to PAUSE.

And what those moments REALLY allowed me to do was think about that future adult I was intending on sending off to college and into the world–and in not too many years–and what I “saw” was an amazing young woman, independent, active, smart, involved, creative, adventurous, responsible for herself, respectful of and kind to others. I also “saw” a way-cool future adult who WANTED to come back and spend time with me. To play games, cook and eat good food, go exploring, hang out and talk and talk and talk.

What a difference this made as I stepped back into the fray of all the door slamming, talking back, the battle for the last word. It meant when I stepped back in, I was better at listening. At saying, “Tell me more.” My daughter felt my calmer presence. She felt heard because I listened better. Not great, but better. I discovered a bit more ability to let go of trying to control everything and instead collaborate. My daughter was more likely willing to compromise.

We certainly both felt a bit more connected. And she definitely felt respected. For I had listened. And considered my response. She was then better able to accept my “No” (if it was still a no) with grumbles rather than door slamming. Now THAT felt much better! And all that door slamming, talking back, and battle for the last word? It dissipated…

Some ideas for YOU as you are caught up with a teen in a tumultuous stage include:

“I hear you. I need time to think about it and then I will get back to you.” And you DO get back to them. Respectful all the way around, for they feel your consideration of whatever their issue is–and that feels GOOD.

“Wow. This is really really upsetting you. Tell me more…” ‘Tell me more’ creates a PAUSE…and let’s your teen empty their bucket a bit more, creating a far more respectful space to listen.

“This homework is really stressing you out. Can you take a break from it right now?” Or maybe, “Is there something I can do to help?” or “What would help you get through all of it in time?”

“What do YOU need in order to feel better? Let me know if I can help…”

“You know, I really don’t like your tone of voice, it upsets me. I would be happy to listen to you when you can use a more respectful voice. Let me know…” Then you turn your attention elsewhere–maybe to do a bit of self-care because you are feeling upset.

“We are ALL too upset to sort this out. Let’s re-convene this afternoon and talk then…”

“Man. This really bothers you deep down, doesn’t it? It is really hard and I KNOW we can figure this out…” What a relief for a teen to hear, in the midst of turmoil, that YES, we can figure it out. Maybe we don’t know how, yet, but we will. What a comfort that can be.

Respectful ways to interact in the midst of Teen Turmoil. Now you are more likely to create (re) connection. A calm space. More likely talking together–maybe following the door slamming and angry words, but talking none-the-less. The PAUSE I encourage you to strengthen? It allows us to slow down and create this calmer space. And teens, more than ever, they need us to slow down, for now they can feel heard and respected. And when a teen feels heard and respected, it can be surprising the cooperation, compromise, positive dialogue that follows. Truly relationship-building. Truly respectful.

So no matter the age of your child, when you hit those bumpy, tumultuous, button-pushing, testing times–

PAUSE. Get calm and clear. Respond instead of react. Let go of knowing exactly what you might need to do or say and instead let PAUSE and the power of calm connection lead the way.

And remember, mistakes are opportunities for do-overs and authentic apologies. Growth is just that, growth. How else could we possibly get better and better without the practice of messing up?! PAUSE, first and foremost. Deposit into your Self-Care Account. Be clear on the qualities of that future adult you see in your minds-eye. Trust the process. And always, always look to where you notice all that IS working, going well or better, feeling right and good. Notice the bits and pieces of that way cool future adult showing up right now in your child. What we focus on grows.

If you liked this article, here’s another you might enjoy: https://www.justaskalice.org/2018/06/24/our-response-matters/

Parenting respectfully through the years…

Alice
Author of “Parenting Inspired” and “PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection”
PCI Certified Parent Coach® and ScreamFree Certified Leader
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Taking Care of YOU during Hard Times

June 9, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

Life has turned upside down. Uncertainty reigns…along with fear, anxiety, worry, frustrations, kids beginning to drive you nuts, and absolutely NO time for yourself.

It is YOU I write to today. You and taking care of you so you can move through these challenging times in the best possible way. And know that can mean anything from just keeping your head above water, to actually feeling pretty darn good. Either way, you are in the game and THAT is to be appreciated.

Self-care is pretty tough to think about when all day long is spent with everyone based at home, work trying to be accomplished, brainstorming just what you all need to be okay, no school to give you a much needed break from kids, perhaps elders in your life you are caring for or about…

And yet…it all comes down to each one of us individually. We must first take care of ourselves in order to be in a good position to care for others.

So let’s start with you right now. Let this be your PAUSE to stop, take in a few deep breaths, let them out slowly, and examine the thoughts running through your head. You get to decide what you want to think about, how you want to feel, what you decide to DO.

“I’m going crazy!” can become “This is really, really hard and I CAN move through it.”

“My kids are driving me nuts!” can become “Man, they are bouncing off the walls. I can keep myself together even if they can’t!”

“I’m worried sick.” can become “I am clear on how to live healthfully and am confident in the steps I take.”

“There is NO way I can get any work done!” can become “I find just the right time to accomplish what I need to.”

“I just don’t know what to DO!” can become, “I become clear about what needs to happen and can feel good I’m doing my best.”

What we say to ourselves MATTERS. It directly affects how we feel and then what we do. What does this require of you? Self-care.

Every little bit you do, intentionally and just for you, becomes a deposit into what I like to call your Self-Care Savings Account. And with even a little bit you now have more patience, resilience, ability to persevere.

Some ideas for you in the midst of all this craziness:

Stand extra long in your hot shower…
Choose your favorite mug, hot drink, and make it. Drinking it can be considered a bonus deposit!
Call a friend and chat for a few minutes.
Sit down and welcome your dog or cat into your lap and stroke their wonderful fur.
Do a few yoga stretches.
Watch a funny You Tube.
Take a lap around your yard…maybe stop to enjoy spring flowers or fresh critter prints in the snow.
Gaze at a favorite art print or photo and let good memories wash over you.

Think about what you can do for just a minute or so, just for you, that would feel good. Then do it. Even in the midst of full-on craziness, there is time for this. And it is even more necessary than ever before.

Here’s to you in all our uncertainty and new-for-now reality. And here is another bit that might help: “Its OKAY”

You are enough!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Gentle Discipline

June 2, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting 2 Comments

Gentle discipline. Sometimes a rather confusing pair of words.

Kind, firm, clear, and affirming–guidance at its best. From this emerges truly respectful parenting and deeply connected relationships. Yet “gentle discipline” can be hard to understand…

It can be mistaken as perhaps ignoring negative behavior in the hopes of it going away, or letting kids “run the show” entirely, or just wondering what it really means when it comes to productively guiding our children. Gentle discipline isn’t about letting our children run amok. It isn’t about trying to keep our children from making mistakes, behaving poorly, testing us. It isn’t about hiding out hoping things will just get better on their own (though we all wish that at times…)

Gentle discipline is about guiding our children calmly, patiently, clearly, respectfully—answering their needs and showing them the way. It is about being direct when you say, “I won’t let you (fill in the blank).” It is about acknowledging their feelings and what they are doing, “It makes you mad…you feel frustrated when…I can see you are sad about…” It is about knowing when to listen with only an occasional, “Mmmhmmm. Tell me more…”

Gentle discipline is about respect, trust in the process growth is, lots and lots of practice, and clarity on our part for just what we want our children to learn–and then show them.

It is about matter-of-factly walking alongside them as they learn that sharp knives are for grown-ups and if they need to cut something, a butter knife is for them. And then giving them the opportunity to use a butter knife. Equally, knowing when they are ready to handle a small paring knife and give them the opportunity to do so.

It is about calmly but firmly stopping the hitting and then letting them know what they CAN hit, that using their words is far more effective, that it is time to take a break to calm down. And then giving them the opportunity to try again…including helping them find the words that may be necessary, “You’d like the next turn. Can you let your brother know?” Along with a bit of company as they have to wait, “What would you like to do while you wait?”

It is about affirming how frustrated they feel as they struggle with something, asking them questions about what they could do, letting them know clearly and decisively “I will stop you…” as needed. And following through with your words, always. All done with calm and gentle leading the way. What a way to build trust. And trust is the foundation for living well.

It is about being curious and looking for all that IS working and appreciating it out loud and often. “I noticed how gently you pet the cat. She purrrrrred with delight!” “Thank you for buckling up. You are ready to go!” “Wow. That took a lot of concentration. I noticed.” What we focus on grows, so putting our attention to what we want more of is essential.

As we do so, “discipline” takes on a whole new meaning.

Now it is about helping our children learn to manage themselves rather than us taking the responsibility for continuing

to manage them.

The more we let go of seeing ‘discipline’ as problems we have to fix, children we have to get to do things a certain way, punishment to bestow, and INSTEAD see it as the growth and learning opportunities it always is, we will discover fewer and fewer times that our children actually act out. Why?

Because they will learn to manage themselves, be able to truly count on us, and will feel understood, respected, and trusted. Our children know we are their encouragers, supporters, and guides. They trust us. They feel SAFE.

Gentle discipline requires us to PAUSE, be as clear and decisive as possible, be present and focused in the moment, and to welcome all behavior as opportunities for growth. And maybe most importantly, to take care of ourselves along the way–including giving ourselves a bit of grace as we step into really tough places and feel like we’ve blown it. You see, it is about OUR growth, as well .

It also asks for us to be curious about our child’s antics rather than judgmental. It asks us to have a sense of humor, a lightness about the antics that will definitely occur, an understanding that all learning takes time. Take time to PAUSE today, and look for the possibilities of growth, what already is working, for something you can appreciate in all the craziness. Doing so really is essential for continuing to parent well, gently, respectfully.

And the really cool thing?

As you do so, parenting can actually get easier

and your relationships stronger.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Respect Your Child’s Re-opening Journey

May 26, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care, Social Emotional Comment

For quite some time our children have been told, because of the pandemic, it isn’t safe to go out, to be with others, to shop and play and live life as they’ve known it up until this spring. And now we are beginning to re-open–all in varying stages throughout our communities in respect to the pandemic. This re-opening can cause anxieties and fear in us, and especially in our children. Going from lock-down to out-and-about will worry many. “Am I safe? Have the germs gone? Will I get sick? What happens if…?”

This re-opening and greater freedom as we navigate all-things-pandemic will be different for each of us and for many reasons. This is why I believe it comes down to respect.

Respect for:

~ Feelings—yours and your child’s. How you calm your anxiety and feel clear and confident in whatever steps you decide to take. Be gentle with and take care of yourself, first. How you affirm and acknowledge your child’s feelings, always. Listen to their worries. Ask questions such as, “What can you do to feel better? Is there more you can tell me?” More on that can be found here.

Share your feelings, “I can feel worried, too. Sometimes I get mad about the same thing.” Show them how you take care of yourself; help them discover what works for them to feel better. Brainstorm together how to navigate this new normal we are creating. Reassure often with, “Change and new things are often unsettling at first! It takes practice—just like when you were learning to tie your shoes and you kept getting frustrated, even tripping and getting hurt when your laces came untied. Remember? You kept at it and now it’s easy for you, isn’t it? We will practice our new ideas for returning to playgroup and work in safe and healthy ways and it will get easier, too.”

~ Your child’s developmental needs/age and stage in order for them to feel safe and able to successfully navigate more freedom. Are they toddlers and preschoolers? This age needs your calm and matter-of-fact self, guiding them with a gentle firmness, routines they can count on in place. Older? They may need a willingness on your part to collaborate with them as you design your way out of lock-down and into your new normal. All ages need clear expectations and follow through from you. Role modeling is powerful—show them what you want to see them doing.

The more your child can feel in control of themselves—from hand-washing to hugging grandma to playing with friends and keep germs to themselves—the more likely anxiety/fear will subside. Steps you take to help your child be in increasing control of things you deem important will empower them and bring confidence to you. Consider playground time—if you want your child to return to playing with others and are concerned about cleanliness, helping instill a habit of washing hands often is important. Creating successes by having lots of hand washing options available, and perhaps gentle reminders initially, will eventually turn into a child doing this as a matter of habit.

Consider hugging Grandma. Perhaps Grandma is ready, but maybe your child is afraid to. Respecting this and offering alternatives is important—tickle each other’s toes? Bump elbows? Let them know, “When you are ready to give Grandma a hug, she will be ready, too.” This helps your child be and feel in control—and this, by itself, is calming.

As we respect our own feelings and grow our ability to be calm, clear, and matter-of-fact, our children can feel safe and secure. This creates the relationship-building connection that has a child able to venture successfully into newness and change.

As we respect our child’s feelings, they feel heard and supported—and this always is necessary for stepping into something new. Taking our time with our children is equally key—this respects their readiness for the new and, again, has a child more likely able to navigate it well.

As we respect our child’s abilities due to age/stage/developmental needs, we are more likely offering up opportunities that allow them to feel competent and capable—essential for navigating uncertainty. You are the expert on your child, so you know what they are capable of respecting as you move into greater freedoms. You know whether they can handle being in a park with others or would do better one-on-one with a friend. Respecting your child’s abilities will help them (and you!) put fear aside and trust moving into re-opening in healthy and safe ways.

Finally, taking care of and being gentle with yourself is important. We will find ourselves anxious periodically as we navigate re-opening together. Breathing deeply, creating a pause for yourself, even pulling back a bit and saying, “You know, this idea needs to wait for a bit…” can help you find the space to steady and calm yourself. What a gift to your child as you do so! Role modeling at its best.

Here’s to YOU. Be well.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Tumultuous Growth

February 20, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

You know how our children go through stages–periodically nice and calm and everything feels good–WE feel good and we actually feel like good parents because things seem to flow rather easily?

And then tumultuous times hit.

Things start getting more chaotic, our kids start to act up and test and be all out of sorts. We begin to tear our hair out, wondering “What happened to my child???” or maybe we are putting ourselves down, “I’m a terrible parent…I can’t do anything right.” Stress climbs, the days feel extra long and hard and confusing…

And then new growth emerges. All of a sudden our child is taller, able to crawl, suddenly puts all those words together and reads, has increased language skills, can actually DO those cartwheels and handstands, suddenly “gets” math, is sleeping through the night…

And life calms down once again.

Round and round we go through childhood working hard at keeping it together during the tumultuous times, relishing the smoother times. If you are like me, those smoother times often slipped by unnoticed initially–it almost took another round of tumultuous times for me to recognize (and relish rather belatedly) how things actually HAD calmed down.

Growth! Every single tumultuous time is all about growth.

New growth causes anxiety, discomfort, confusion–for us and for our children. What is important is to recognize how it feels to welcome these tumultuous times as the opportunity for growth and learning they are–rather than a problem to fix, something to “get through”, to make go away. And to notice, as you step into it looking for the opportunities for growth, what you do and think and feel differently. I know for me it had me more curious, looking to what might emerge as a result–keeping me focused on the possibilities rather than the problem–being more relaxed and accepting. It was still hard, but it became a positive and affirming hard.

Something I was unaware of during my children’s childhood was how adults go through the same cycles.

We get into the flow, things feel easy, we are energized and creative and productively contributing–we feel GOOD. And then, due to whatever change or event or challenge, we don’t. We get uncomfortable, uncertain, doubting ourselves, wondering what our purpose is, feeling at a loss. We can find ourselves grieving–sometimes without even knowing why. Often we get so lost in the chaos of parenting that it takes years for us to recognize our own cycles–our own quest for growth.

That is where I am right now. In the tumultuous part of my own growth cycle. As I reflect on how children do this naturally and without self-judgement, and how incredible growth always emerges as a result, I find myself becoming more relaxed, curious, looking to what gifts are going to emerge as I sit in a rather uncomfortable and confusing place. I’m unsure of what is going to unfold in front of me, I’m working hard at staying fully present, at trusting the Universe, at depositing into my self-care account. I am working hard at walking the talk that I always share with each of you–pausing, calming, gaining clarity–and letting go and trusting. Key players for parenting and living well .

I want to share this because I know many of you are experiencing the natural life transitions that occur and perhaps are working hard at making yourself feel better, do better, be what you “used” to be or figure out what you want or need or feel you should be. And I want to let you know it is okay. Reflect on how children move through their growth cycles and allow yourself to do the same–accepting, allowing, letting a PAUSE lead the way.

Allow your feelings to be without trying to make them go away or change. Just like we do for our children–give them the space to feel their feelings without judgment. Do the same for yourself. What great role modeling for your children…

Affirm yourself and keep your attention on what is feeling okay, better, calmer, whatever. Just like with our children, what we focus on grows, so focus on how you intend to feel and be.

Take care of yourself–do little things, just for you. Do big things if you can. As we do with our children when they are upset, confused, out of sorts, be gentle with yourself. Create that “safe place” to feel and be and notice what is different as a result. Simplify where you can. Just as we do with our children.

We get so caught up with trying to make the tumultuous times with our children and ourselves “go away” that we lose sight of the purpose of these times–the important growth that they are all about. Today, take some time to switch up how you look at the chaos in front of you–yours or your child’s. Consider what you might do or say or feel differently if you could welcome the chaos for the growth opportunity it is. Truly welcome. Open the door, open your arms wide, and welcome the tumultuous time in. Give it a place of honor. Act-as-if whenever necessary…

And then let curiosity step up as you look to what gifts it brings…what growth is trying to emerge. Notice what is different as a result. And if it is still hard, confusing, feeling out of sorts? That is okay–just think, the growth trying to emerge? It is a beauty. And it takes the respect of time.

Here’s to welcoming new growth!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach
©2015 Alice Hanscam

To Praise Or Not To Praise

January 28, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

THIS hit home. From all the trophies and how they are labeled, to the nonchalant comment by the teen. When we praise often–whether it is the “good job” go-to we all fall into or the constant “wow, aren’t you amazing!!” for every sport, art project, grade, accomplishment no matter the size or importance–I believe we are undermining and displacing just what we really want: a self-directed, intrinsically motivated, confident, capable, successful future adult.

Our intentions are good. We want our child to feel confident, capable, and successful. Yet by praising all day through, I believe we are setting our child up for thinking:

~ They need to perform to be in our good graces.

~ Their performance is what we love about them.

~ When they DON”T get a ‘good job’ response, they’ve now failed–and we have given them no practice at how to manage the disappointment, the struggle of failure.

When we praise constantly we are teaching our children to pay attention to how WE feel and how their behavior or accomplishments affect US instead of encouraging them to turn within themselves, reflect, learn about what they like/don’t like, etc…

We get in the way of them growing from the inside out.

When we make their accomplishments such a regular big deal, we are undermining their ability to tap into strengths that are essential for adulthood—perseverance, hard work, creativeness, self-reflection, management of feelings, inner direction/motivation to name a few. And then there is this teen’s response in the comic. Nonchalant. Shrug of shoulders. No longer does the praise mean anything for it is given constantly. They begin to ignore us, or not believe us. Not what any of us intend as the “good job” or “hurray for you” or “you are a winner!” rolls off our tongue.

What to do instead?

Focus on their process and the strengths you see step up:

“You were incredibly focused all through your game–I noticed that. It certainly paid off!”

“Even though that math assignment was confusing, you stuck with it and figured it out.”

“What a race you had! Those hills looked brutal–boy, that must’ve taken some real determination to tackle them despite being exhausted.”

“It was hard work stacking all your blocks! You worked carefully and look at the tall tower you made.”

Focus on their feelings:

“It was really disappointing to lose the game. You were so excited going into it.”

“I can see how proud you are of the work you did!”

“Urgh. After all the time you put into your project it must be really discouraging to get the grade you did.” ”

It really puts a smile on your face when you button all those buttons by yourself!”

Focus on appreciation:

“Thank you for unloading the dishwasher. I appreciate your help. Now we have time to do a family game.”

“The neighborhood looks so much nicer after picking up the litter! I know the neighbors appreciate the time and effort you put in.”

“You and your team-mates were so respectful of your opponents’ loss. That is really a sign of true sportsmanship.”

“You shared your book with your sister. I can see how much she liked that. Now you both know just what The Little Engine That Could carried over the hill!”

And now you are more likely giving your child the experience she needs to grow strong and healthy.

To be able to succeed, feel confident in herself, feel capable, manage the harder feelings, celebrate respectfully the happier feelings. Now it is about them and how they feel and what they like and don’t like–truly what motivates them from within–rather than our child focusing outside themselves, on feeling responsible for making us feel like the good or proud parent.

This is the inner direction and motivation necessary for successful adulthood. This is the inner direction and self-confidence that translates down the road to less influence of negative peer pressure, the inner motivation it requires to stand strong in their conviction even when it is going against the tide of their friends, the inner direction that can have them moving through life capable, confident, taking charge of their lives.

So try pausing today. Try letting go of the automatic response to something your child does. Think twice and with care about how much praise for an accomplishment will really support the growth of the kind of adult you hope for. Be intentional with the attention you decide to give. And when real praise is deserved? Now it can be truly meaningful and appreciated, making just the kind of impact you want the most. How cool is that?

Alice
Author of Parenting Inspired

Motherhood Moments

November 17, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology Comment

Motherhood!

Caught in a series of drawings by Paula Kuka that had me laughing, enjoying, remembering, thinking, agreeing, and pausing. I think all of these Motherhood Moments are wonderful! Go check them all out via the link at the end of my post.

Meanwhile…let me apologize. The Moment I share here on this post? It had me pausing. If you follow me then you know how I feel and what I share in regards to our use of digital devices and the impact this can have on our children and relationships. A very real and relationship-depleting impact, quite often.

I’m one of *those* who can see the mama in the lower half of this drawing and catch myself starting to criticize what she is doing–spending outdoor time with her little one and also being on her phone at the same time. Yes, I can lose sight of what probably had filled her day prior to heading out for a much needed break, fresh air, exercise. And I apologize for this. It is never a helpful thing, to criticize or judge.

To be fair to myself (and you), I also find myself catching that criticism (PAUSE!) that wants to bubble up and I consider all I don’t know about another’s day, life, what led to heading outdoors to walk and talk on a cell with a young child in tow. I know that many-a-time it is exactly as this drawing depicts and I can totally relate to it, albeit not via use of a cell phone. Those were the days I plunked my child in front of Mister Rogers, Reading Rainbow, Sesame Street and then took care of ME–or at least got chores done and dinner made without an octopus around my legs and whining filling my ears

Also to be fair to myself I know, from watching, talking with many parents, having exchanges with a number of you, that it has become normal and familiar, therefore seemingly okay to spend time with your little one with your attention distracted by the phone no matter what else you are doing. Hence my initial reaction to this drawing…thinking, “Oh man. This–as the newfound normal–really isn’t okay!” The hard of staying fully present to whatever you are doing or whomever you are with has gotten harder. And you all have expressed this. And I keep hoping my work and my colleagues’ work is helping encourage you to choose otherwise–to be truly Tech Intentional.

And to be fair to each of YOU, I KNOW that many of you are working hard at balancing this. To be Tech Intentional. To not let your digital life intrude too often in your time with your children and families. Because really, it just doesn’t work very well or feel very good. For parents or children.

I am sorry. For forgetting that perhaps this Mama was finally getting the breather she so desperately needs.

I will continue to work at affirming and appreciating any and all Mama’s out and about with child in tow (phone or no phone!), whether I know their story or not–because really, isn’t it more about feeling cared for and accepted in the moment you are in, as you are, no matter the choices being made? Because it is then that we are more likely going to listen, make different, healthier, intentional choices that align with the kind of relationships, experiences, and life we want the most.

Here’s to all of you Mamas! And a huge thank you to the artist, Paula Kuka.

Enjoy ALL these drawings via https://www.demilked.com/motherhood-comics-paula-kuka/.

With appreciation and JOY,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Quick! Your child’s starting to lose it!

November 2, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

Your child is beginning to freak out. Losing it…loudly. Ramping it up to a full blown tantrum. Resistance, push-back, tension… Quick! Offer them their favorite television show or app on your phone or game on their digital device.

Phew! Crisis averted. What a relief! Your little one is now glued to their screen, QUIET, and you find yourself calming a bit, able to continue on with getting done whatever it is you planned on getting done…or maybe this quick distraction to screen gave you the opportunity to buckle your child up in their car seat and actually have a bit of peace and quiet for the drive home…or finish your meal in the restaurant without embarrassing everyone…

Okay. So your child is now calm. You are calm. But consider this–the message you’ve just given (especially if this is a go-to solution for you on a regular basis…) is “you need this distraction in order to manage your feelings.” Or “you need to BE distracted because I have no confidence in your (or my) ability to manage your feelings.” Or “I cannot handle how you are feeling/behaving…”

What a scary thing for a child.

To think the most mature person–their special adult in their lives–cannot handle how they feel. This really rocks a child’s world…and usually ramps them up even more.

What a way to undermine their ability to (eventually) manage their OWN feelings. To understand, accept, process, and express appropriately all the emotions they have.

What a way to undermine OUR ability to do the same–be comfortable in our own feelings–our anxiety, lack of confidence in our own selves, embarrassment, you name it.

Consider this from the American Academy of Pediatrics:

“Avoid using media as the only way to calm your child. Although there are intermittent times (eg, medical procedures, airplane flights) when media is useful as a soothing strategy, there is concern that using media as strategy to calm could lead to problems with limit setting or the inability of children to develop their own emotion regulation.” (Am. Academy of Pediatrics)

So what to do?

Because really, these BIG and LOUD feelings and over-the-top behaviors really DO cause a ton of anxiety. For everyone involved. Ideas for you with the intent to grow a child able to manage themselves in healthy ways:

~ PAUSE. Calm yourself as much as possible FIRST. What a way to role-model taking care of our own feelings in healthy ways.

~ Name and affirm the feeling your child has. “It makes you really mad…” “You are feeling so so frustrated!” “You really don’t want to leave, yet.” “It makes you mad when I buckle you up in your seat. It is important to be safe…” “It really hurt your feelings when…” “I can see how tired you are. That sure makes it hard for you to…”

~ Give a clear framework, choice inherent: “When you calm down we can…” “I will take you to your room and stay with you while you work at settling down…” “You need to get your mad OUT. Would pounding the couch together help?” “I will stop you from hurting your brother. I can see you are really upset. When we’ve all calmed down a bit we can talk about this…” “Let’s take a few deep breaths like this…and then you can choose if you want to buckle all by yourself or have me help you.”

~ Follow through with what you’ve offered up calmly, matter-of-factly. Whether it is buckling for them (perhaps initially making them even LOUDER and more upset), closing the bedroom door and sitting against it while you keep them company, keeping your promise of talking about it once things have settled, joining in alongside them to pound away at the couch. Your calm, matter-of-fact, willing to stay near, involved, connected self speaks volumes to your child. Respectful volumes.

And now, no matter how your child chooses to behave, you’ve communicated a safe, steady, solid place in which they get the opportunity to sort themselves out. To FEEL. To BE loud and hurt and mad and sad and frustrated without judgment but WITH company, guidance, comfort, and role-modeling that can show them just what to DO with all these upset feelings.

It may not be pretty. It may still be embarrassing, frustrating, anxiety-provoking for YOU, but because you’ve paused…and focused on taking care of your feelings, you are able to step in alongside your upset child and really help them navigate their experience with the confidence they need from you and need to feel you have in them.

Then in time, with your consistent, calm, connected self leading the way, you will discover your child pausing. Breathing. Disappearing into their room to process, chill, figure things out. You’ll discover hotly contested ideas with their brother or friend that no longer need your input. You’ll see your child use self-control that actually has you smiling a bit. You’ll get better at catching those moments and noticing them: “I saw you put your hands in your pocket when your friend made you mad. What a great way to remember to keep your hands to yourself…” “I noticed you used your words to let her know how you felt.” “Even though you were so frustrated, you kept working and working and you DID it!” “I appreciate how you chose to go play by yourself when things started ramping up. What a way to take care of your feelings!”

And your child will be a bit better and stronger in doing just what he or she is meant to–manage themselves. No need for distraction. No need for another to do it for them (and really, think about it. Do you want your future teen needing another to decide for them what and how to do or feel?). And those screens? They can now be used at crucial stress filled times now and again without undermining the important growth of self-regulation.

So today…pause. Consider those potentially embarrassing, anxiety driven, frustrating moments as an opportunity for your child to learn a little bit more about themselves, their feelings, and healthy ways to manage them. You, too. Our kids give us constant opportunities to get stronger within ourselves–and it really all begins with a PAUSE.

Alice
Author of “Parenting Inspired” and “PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection”
PCI Certified Parent Coach® and ScreamFree Certified Leader
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Simple Moments…Truly Relationship-Building

August 15, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! 2 Comments

Simple moments noticed and appreciated:

The dad who was enjoying the **bounce** that defined his 4-year-old daughter as she practiced her galloping skills in Walmart…

The parent respectfully and patiently waiting as his son was touching and counting each different bag of dog food before choosing the kind they came for…

The mama who, as her very frustrated and back-arching and giant tears 11-month-old let it be known just how MAD he felt, sat calmly nearby, stopping him from doing the unsafe crawling into Big Brother’s Swing Zone, and said, “You are really frustrated. You wanted to crawl over by Big Brother and I stopped you because it wasn’t safe.” That’s all. She waited, and rubbed his back, and waited some more. Then, “You are still upset. I can see that.” And waited some more. Slowly he stopped his Great Big Cry, crawled up onto her lap, checked in, and then happily, contentedly went on his way…

The dad curled up on a chair at the library with his daughter nestled in his lap–thoroughly absorbed in stories…

The mama who trailed ever-so-slowly alongside her young son, trudging ever-so-happily through mucky mud, poking with a stick, splashing and splooshing through the very soggy ground…and then plunking himself down in the biggest of the puddles…with mama nearby, watching, knowing full well there was a set of dry clothes inside their camper….

The mama who respected her toddler’s “outoftheway” statement as he moved out of the way on the zoo path, awaiting others to pass him by…she waited (‘outoftheway’) patiently until her little one decided the coast was clear and together they moved on along the path…

The dad and mom who, on request of their 9-year-old son, happily joined in on first a tag game, then a hide and seek game–all around a friend’s house laughing and hiding and carrying on. What a wonderful deposit into their relationship with their son…

The mom who joined in playfully as her son tried to go FAST down the store aisle. She gathered him up in her arms and together they jogged s.l.o.w.l.y, laughter over taking them both!

The teens who noticed the toddler watching their ball game and came to him, knelt down, and asked if he’d like to play ball, too. And off he toddled with the teens who then adjusted their play to include a 2-year-old in just the right way.

The young preschooler with eyes all alight as an unknown and friendly adult shared (and showed!) how the rabbit this adult just watched in the woods wiggled its nose, rubbed its face, scratched its tummy…and soon this young preschooler? He was doing the Rabbit Dance as he, too, wiggled his nose, rubbed his face, scratched his tummy…

The young adults who stepped up in front of a large crowd at their G’mom’s Celebration of Life, sharing stories of their own about their G’mom and how she delighted in important-to-them things in life. Such as Beanie Baby Collections, Harry Potter books, eating yummy desserts, good-looking actors on posters plastered on bedroom walls…the LIGHT in these young adults’ eyes as they shared filled many people’s hearts as we all reflected on how special G’mom was…connection at its best.

Presence. Joy. Connection. Simple moments. They are powerful.

Simple moments like these are deposits into healthy and positive relationships. Simple moments like these give children the connection and space necessary to grow well.

Simple moments. Let them fill your day.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Transitions. They Sure Can Be Tough!

June 16, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Turning Five. Finishing preschool. Moving to a new home. Saying goodbye to grandpa and grandma. Leaving for vacation. A new babysitter. A new sibling! Feeling better after an illness. Heading to a new school. New growth and stage…

What do these all have in common? Transition. And boy, can transitions cause real disruption for young children–sometimes just the daily transition out the door. I asked a friend whose little boy is turning five what she’d like me to address in my post, and she said, “big changes.”

She’s noticed, as her son finishes preschool and looks forward to his birthday how he has been having a tougher time of recent–you know, acting up a bit more, emotions a higher intensity, testing with more gusto, having a harder time making choices. I asked what it is she (mom) is doing that is helping the most as her son faces his big changes. And she said, “Listening.” YES. A PAUSE of sorts, this listening. Maybe it doesn’t lessen the tougher time, but it sure makes it more likely your child can move through it for they feel heard.

Big Changes. Growth. Transitions.

They require listening–with care, with compassion, with your eyes and ears open to just what is turning your child’s crank. They require stability, predictable routines and rhythm, a calm and consistent parent. They require knowing what to expect ahead of time, empathy, understanding, awareness. And the ability to let go and be flexible 🙂

What can you do to help your child through any transition?

Become even more consistent and predictable with the routines you can keep in place. These act as the stable foundation from which a child can better manage big change–any change.

You already know how bedtime has its predictable routine in place–brush teeth, potty, jammies on, 3 books, tuck you in, sing you a song, turn on your night light, give you 17 kisses and one for your nose, and good night 🙂

Or maybe it is your routine for getting out the door that actually works well. Family dinner may be in place with everyone knowing just what to expect–no digital devices at the table, conversation, sitting together.

Perhaps it is the goodbye you do as you separate from your child at daycare each day–you have a routine of hanging things up in their cubby together, choosing one thing to play, and then blowing kisses out the door.

As our kids face bigger changes, it is these routines and rhythms that start meaning even more. If you are facing a bigger change and your child is reacting, look to where you can increase predictability for them–it communicates ‘safe and secure’ to children and leaves them in a position to better manage the change.

Things you might find yourself saying include:

“When your new babysitter comes, you are going to have macaroni and cheese and then go walk the dog together, just like with your old sitter.”

“After your nap we will be piling in the car to head to the airport and get on the jet that will take us to Grandma!”

“At grandma’s you’ll sleep in a bed next to your brother. You can choose the special guys you want to take to snuggle in the bed with you.”

“You are sad about saying goodbye to all your preschool friends. We are planning on seeing them at the park next Tuesday, just like always!”

“Let’s go into your new classroom together and see the cubby it has to hang up your coat and put your backpack in. And when it is time for me to say goodbye, I will stop at the window to blow you kisses, just like I did at your old school!”

Things you might do:

***Make sure bed or nap time includes as much as the same routine they are used to no matter where you are. Maybe all you can keep the same is the special stuffed guy who sleeps with your child, or maybe it is that you can still read 3 books–no matter what it is you maintain, make an intentional effort to do something.

***Be even more intentional about honoring feelings–naming them, listening to your child, being close if necessary. Transitions can cause all kinds of upset that, once it is appreciated, can calm down.

***Reinstate routines as your child gets well from an illness (assuming the illness threw a number of your routines right out the window)–slowly bring back the bed/meal/daycare rhythm you had prior to the illness–this can make all the difference in life flowing once again, it can comfort a child as they move from feeling yucky to themselves again–“Whew, life hasn’t changed too much! It all feels regular again.”

***Stay calm and consistent with all your responses–even more so at times of disruption. The calmer you ride the wave of big change, the sooner your child can adjust–and just think of the role modeling you are doing! It communicates “Mom and Dad can handle it, no matter what.” It communicates just how change can best be met–giving them the framework for coping with future change in their lives.

***Offer up things your child can expect that might interest them–like the bookshelf daddy is going to build for their new bedroom or the great big laugh to listen for from Grandpa when he meets you at the airport. Putting your child’s attention to something that you know will peak her curiosity can help you ride through some of the other hard parts of a transition. And then follow through with what you’ve promised. “Okay! Let’s march off the plane and see who can hear Grandpa’s laugh!” “It’s hard to pack all your books in the boxes. You know the bookshelf you and daddy made? It is waiting for you in your new bedroom and once we are there, we can fill it with all of these books (and maybe use the boxes to build a fort 🙂 )!”

***Take care of YOU. Deposit into your Self-Care-Savings Account often. Discover what you can do, just for you, that only takes a short time. These deposits add up and help you with the patience, resilience, creativity necessary for helping your child move through Big Changes.

Just a few thoughts and ideas for you. I’m sure you have many examples you can share. The key? Being calm and consistent. Finding the predictable routine within the change that you can do. Emphasize it–no matter how small–for it is what young children need to face change that can rock their boat. Let them be able to count on you, on something in their day, on a choice they get no matter what. Now they’ve been given a gift of strength to help them carry on through any change.

And as my friend said, listen. Listen and watch and notice what is working for your little one to move through a transition well (which doesn’t always equate to ‘calmly’!). Notice what works to help them, notice what surprises you about their ability to move through the change. And especially notice, as life settles once again, just how your child has grown as a result.

Big change. Transitions. A part of the rest of our lives.

Make your child’s experience one they can grow from, one they can take into their future and be able to greet any change with the inner strength we all need to do it well.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Can I Have a Do-Over?!

June 13, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

“Oh, if only I could have a ‘do-over!'”

Can I rewind and take back those hurtful words that came flying out of my mouth as you dug your heels in and used THAT tone of voice with me? Oh how I wish I could!

Can I rewind and try something different that won’t have you ending up in a puddle of a meltdown in the middle of…(fill in the blank)? Being embarrassed is NO fun, and watching you struggle so leaves me feeling so sad…

Can we please start over with our family adventure so we can choose differently and not end up angry and tense and upset with each other? It all just feels crummy and that is not how I want our family time to be.

How often do you wish for a ‘do-over?’ Weekly? Daily? Hourly?! I remember sending my girls off to school after a Less-Than-Fun-Morning, then feeling guilty all day long…

It is easy to feel the guilt…to hit ourselves over the head over and over again as we re-live the yuck we allowed to happen, telling ourselves the “I shoulds, if onlys, I’m an awful parent.”

What would it be like to know these ‘do-overs’ you wish for can become a truly productive and ultimately wonderful launching place for just what you want more of–relationship building, truly win-win, even joyful experiences?

Give yourself the gift and grace of PAUSE–even if it is after the blow-up, and especially when you have finally calmed down. PAUSE, think through what could have been different if you had felt calm–or at least ‘acted-as-if’ you felt calm. What might you have done or said differently? How might the experience have looked with your calm in place?

When I can create this PAUSE, I find I can see more clearly what I could have said to my child (and have to stop myself from falling into that guilty place of why I DIDN’T say these things!).

I can see more clearly how I could have been more able to listen and hear what she had to say. My child could then feel respected and cared for because I listened…what a difference that could make!

I feel I could slow myself down and pay closer attention to what she is really trying to say. And maybe, just maybe the situation would not have blown.

Take time to think about how feeling calmer and more at ease in your Do-Over would have changed things. Then take a moment to recognize where you HAVE been even a little bit successful with doing so. Because you HAVE. Plenty of times. They just go unnoticed by you because, well, everything went smoothly!

The more we affirm ourselves, look to where

we have felt better about our own behavior, the more

encouraged we can feel.

Key for shelving the guilt and relating from a productive and healthy place.

The cool thing? Each time you walk yourself through a mental do-over you are strengthening the muscles necessary for doing it this way in real time. Really. Those do-overs…mistakes…”I wish-should have-maybe next times” all become key practice in strengthening just what you want more of.

They are a gift rather than a failure.

Let go of the guilt as best you can. I like to “shelve” my guilty feelings up high in my mind’s eye and tell them to stay put until I’m ready to deal with them 🙂 and do your best to welcome each opportunity as the gift it is–a chance to grow, become better, deposit into your relationships, feel confident in your parenting.

Practice. That is what parenting is all about. A constant practice.

There will come a time when you will have fewer and fewer ‘do-overs’ to think through–you CAN feel calm, connected, and confident on a regular basis. Life will feel better. YOU will feel better and your children and relationships will benefit greatly. This is the power of PAUSE. And when things do head south–for they will—you will feel steadier, clearer, better.

And the guilt? It gets rather dusty from lack of attention… 🙂

How cool is that?
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Let’s Make Room for More JOY

May 17, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated Comment

Today, PAUSE.

Look around. Watch your children. Notice all that is happening, working, going well or better, brings a smile to your face, has you feeling hopeful, energized, lifted. Notice…and actively appreciate. Out loud. To yourself. In a note. Face to face.

One mama told me recently how when she first spoke with me she was feeling ever-so-frustrated, upset, sure that NOTHING was going right, that she was a lousy parent and her kids full of trouble.

And then she took a week. A week to observe, to intentionally look for and notice what WAS working, going better, could be appreciated. She let go of trying to “make it better”, to fix things, to do all those things others tell you you need to do in order to “straighten everybody up” and “keep everyone in line.” And yes, all the while still actively engaged with her kids.

Truly a PAUSE.

You know what happened? She returned to me and shared what a real difference this made for her–she noticed all the little things that left her smiling and realizing her kids COULD get along, were helpers, family time together was often full of fun and good feelings, that she herself could be patient, gentle, respectful, calm and connected.

The best thing? She spoke of how clear she got as to what really DID need to change AND how she felt energized to do so.

This is what PAUSE can do for you.

PAUSE, at its basic, helps you through heated moments from a relationship-building place. And when it is taken further–as with this mama–it becomes the space from which you see more clearly, respond more authentically and productively, feel energized and empowered to create the positive and productive change you want.

So this weekend, look, really LOOK and see the little things that are happening within your family and elsewhere that show the kindness, care, compassion, joy, connection, cooperation, collaboration, respect we want to be experiencing and want our children to learn and emulate.

What we focus on grows.

Let’s look for just what it is we want more of. Notice, appreciate, and let JOY in. It’s there for the taking and the sharing.

Choose to follow my work as we join together to create the real, positive, and meaningful change we want to see in the world.

Need a smile to get you started? Check out Simple Moments…

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
www.justaskalice.org
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Choice. It really can be confusing.

April 12, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

We know we need to give our little ones a choice, that it can make things go more smoothly, that now they are more likely to do what needs to be done, for they feel more in charge of it all….and yet, sometimes all those choices end up muddling everything up.

“But I GAVE him a choice!”

“I don’t know what choice to give…”

“There IS no choice! It just has to happen!”

Choice. It really can be so confusing…

You know what? Sometimes it’s okay to not give a choice–maybe even necessary to skip what feels like a choice. Sometimes giving choices just makes matters worse–like those times we have a tired little guy on our hands and we try to offer up enticing choices to help head them in the direction we’d like, and instead we end up with a puddle of a child on the floor…or avoiding you with all the nimbleness (and loud-ness!) only a young child has.

Yes, choices are good, kids do need them–this is how they learn to be accountable, to figure out what they like, don’t like, can and can’t do, are or aren’t responsible for. And sometimes is okay to make the choice for them.

Yet really, choice is still inherent in those times.

Let’s explore this a bit…

Let’s say your toddler is tired. You know it–for you know your little guy well and can see all the signs–the way he stops being able to focus for long on any one thing, the rubbing of the eyes, the cranking up of activity and behavior. You know they are tired. THEY know nap is the last thing they want–I mean, really, who’d want to leave the fun of a party, the adventure of playing and exploring, the important people in your life to check out for a while and sleep?!

Of course, if you ask, “Are you ready for a nap?” their answer is an emphatic NO. If you give them a choice of, say, “Do you want me to pick you up or do you want to walk all by yourself?” their answer will be to turn and run in the opposite direction.

Maybe they are asking for more food, to play a bit more, to read this book and that book and go pet the kitty and run down the hall and again ask to eat. And sometimes we actually get fooled by this, thinking if we just let them have another bite to eat, play a bit longer, read one more book it will make the move to nap smoother. Maybe it does–again, knowing your child well and trusting yourself is key. However…

…more often than not we are just adding fuel to the fire…so…

…this is where you get to say,“I see you think you’d like more to eat/more time to play/read one more book. I think what you are really feeling is tired. It is time for nap. Let’s go get your diaper changed….” And you calmly and gently pick them up to head down the hall.

If they go willingly? Now you are talking softly to them about what they can expect. “We’ll get you all dry for your nap and read three books. I wonder if you’d like one about the scoop shovel, or the one about the duck?” NOW it is time for a real choice! They are ready and relieved because you’ve made the initial decision for them–that nap time it is.

If they arch their back, turn into jello legs, and resist LOUDLY to all suggestion of a nap? Here’s where you get to continue with what feels like a lack of choice,”I know, it is so much fun playing. I can tell how tired you are. We will change your diaper and snuggle with our books…” Guidance–calm, connected, respectful. Sometimes that is all that is needed.

Your calm as they express their discontent. Your affirmation of how they feel. Your gentle and firm guidance towards nap.

Now they can feel safe even as they feel upset. What a comfort that ultimately is for a child to have a parent okay with how upset they feel. This may be enough.

Sometimes they need more.

Again, you get to choose. “You really are having a tough time being ready to settle for diapers and books.” You know your child well–maybe walking over to their bedroom window and gazing outside for a bit, commenting without asking for any input on what you see will help them settle a bit. I know it often did for my girls.

Maybe pausing and looking at them arching their back in your arms and saying, “Why don’t we sit a bit on the rocking chair…maybe we could start with a book or sing a song before we change diapers…” Or maybe, after a moment of respecting those big feelings, you realize they really do need a drink of water or milk to ease them into nap mode.

Then perhaps, as they settle, a choice that works for them is offered. “Oh…you are ready for that diaper change. Do you want to take your special guy up to the changing table or shall we play our peek-a-boo game…remember how mommy likes to nibble your toes?!” You know best what it is that engages them the most and you’ve given them a bit of space and time to first get their upset out–key for respecting their mad without wavering from the nap-time needs.

This is where choice is inherent. As you make the choice for them, they still have the control over how THEY choose to feel about it. Their choice to get mad, sad, even over-the-top upset.

Your calm connection and gently firm guidance helps them tremendously in managing their choice to be upset, in feeling heard and understood, in being helped towards discovering that certain things need to happen and you are there to help them through it as best as possible.

It communicates safety and security. It communicates respect.

Your calm connection and gently firm guidance says, “You can count on me to keep it together even when you cannot.”

What a way to grow a child from the inside-out–being respected, affirmed, heard, gently shown the way.

What a way to build a relationship based on trust–on being able to count on what you say, you mean and will do.

What a way for a child to still feel in control for you have taken the time to listen and affirm their choice of how to feel. Key for healthy relationships.

So today, trust your instincts as you look at your little one and know clearly that what they need the most is for you to gently guide them towards just what is most important right now. Allow for the feelings. Notice what works for you to be calm and gentle, yet firm. Let calm connection always lead the way.

Choice. It is key and it looks many different ways. Here’s to your confidence in the choices you make today!

You can find more about choices right here: Choices Choices Choices–Help!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Calming Your Anxious Child

January 5, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional 2 Comments

Your child is anxious.

Maybe in the moment, maybe it is just a part of who they are. And you work hard at helping them to feel better.

Maybe you find yourself saying, “You’ll be fine!” or “Don’t worry about it.! Or maybe you find yourself doing whatever YOU can to “make them feel better” such as distract them with a treat, or adventure with you, or a special toy, or time on a digital device, or or or…whatever it takes, because none of us want our children to feel anxious or struggle with anxiety.

Does any of this sound familiar?

I so appreciate Lemon Lime Adventures poster and article.

When we PAUSE, calm our OWN anxiety over

our child’s worries, then we can step in from a truly relationship-building place.

Asking questions. Listening. Exploring. Seeing their worries as something necessary and important–and now, like anything in our lives that is necessary and important, we respect those worries.

It requires us to let go of “solving” our child’s worry or struggle. So often our desire to “make it go away” and find a solution is much more about our own anxiety and discomfort over big feelings. This anxiety and discomfort? It always comes from a place of deep care for and commitment to our child. Know this, for your feelings are equally important.

Yet, when we rush in to fix, we are communicating to our child we don’t have confidence in their ability to manage their feelings. We communicate that they need US to fix things for them. I think this can so often feed anxiety for a child–not feeling they can ever be in control of this worry, that it always requires another person solving it.

As you fast forward to teen years, this means the “other” they turn to may be someone who doesn’t have their best interests in mind. This may mean they turn to alcohol or drugs or screen addiction to “control” their worries.

I think we all WANT our children to grow into teens and adults

able to take charge of their lives, figure out what they want and need, manage their feelings and selves in healthy ways.

When we create that PAUSE for ourselves, focus on calming ourselves down, take time to see our child as the competent and capable soul he is and will become, think about what we want them to learn about themselves, take time to consider just what kind of teen/adult we hope they will be…

…we are more likely going to be able to step alongside our child and their worry and ask questions like Lemon Lime Adventures shares. We are more likely going to listen, explore, discover, partner with our child.

…we are more likely going to sit––with calm connection–alongside our child as they worry. Think. Talk. Cry. And this “sitting” alongside? It is key.

What a way to feel safe.

What a way for your child to actually be able to feel in control of herself. What a way to grow and learn from the inside out and with respect for who your child is. What a way to feel the comfort of someone willing to sit in the worry with you…keep it company…give it a place of honor for a bit…accept you and all your feelings.

And now your child can feel far more in control of himself. How cool is that? And maybe the NEXT round of (inevitable) worry or struggle will be just a bit easier, because they’ll have grown a bit more from the inside out, understand a little more about their feelings and what to do with them.

Today, acknowledge and affirm your child’s worry or struggle.

Name their feelings. Ask them questions. Sit with them. Give them the space and grace of time and your company.

And give your SELF the same respect as you work through your worries and struggles…

Here’s to moving through today’s struggles in relationship building ways…

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

OH Those Testy Toddlers!

November 5, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

So your toddler is an agreeable little soul.

Happily reaches for your hand as they toddle off to get their diaper changed. Willingly offers you their cup or plate when they are all done. Bounces with the utmost JOY when daddy or you come home. Reaches their arms to their trusted care-giver and waves “bye-bye” to you. Loves the family dog with snuggles and smiles and gentle pats.

And then it all seemingly goes amok.

That agreeable little soul? Now they arch their backs and scream at the changing table–it has become the wrestling match to rival all wrestling matches. That cup and plate? Thrown. Tossed onto the floor. Gleefully run away with to just the very place food and drink are not allowed. That delightful bounce and joy when papa or mama come home? Now it is defined by screaming and reaching ever-so-hard towards whomever is NOT holding them. Those simply heart-warming good byes (and hellos!) at daycare? Now you drag yourself away feeling oh-so-guilty for leaving because your toddler is left sobbing in their care-givers arms…and the family dog…poor pooch…ears pulled, tail twisted, back jumped on…those gentle pats? L-o-n-g gone.

Respectful parenting. It can be simple when things go agreeably. Cooperatively. Peacefully. And it can leave a parent over-whelmed and at a loss when things turn tumultuous. And they will. Regularly–because these tumultuous times? They mean NEW GROWTH. And with any new growth, things get out-of-sorts. For our toddler AND for us.

So how does respectful parenting look at these times? Hard to imagine?Here’s what I think. I think it is gentle. Firm. Clear. Consistent. Calm. A few eye-twinkles always :-). A “basic” recipe to follow goes something like this:

*** PAUSE. Take a breath. Find that bit of calm inside of you.

*** Describe what you see and/or heard.

*** Affirm and name feelings.

*** Give clear expectations…or framework for what needs to happen.

*** Give choice(s).

*** Follow through calmly and consistently with the choice made.

A few ideas for you:

“Your diaper needs to be changed. After two more books we are going to head to the changing table.” Clear framework and consistent follow-through–essential.

“It really makes you mad to have to stop and change diapers. I understand. I can wait a moment while you settle down…” Name and affirm feelings–always.

“It’s time to change your diaper. Would you like to hold the wash cloth or (the special toy saved only for diaper changes…)?” CHOICE–an absolute. Even if the choice becomes NEITHER and upset gets even BIGGER, you can move through the diaper change (or diaper wrestle?!) continuing to be that calm person your child needs in order to actually feel safe expressing all his big feelings…and then you get to say, “All done! You really didn’t like it and now you are all dry…”

OR you can try a PAUSE by saying, “You are really upset about changing right now. Let’s take a moment together and look out the window so you can calm down a bit…maybe we’ll see the dog dig-dig-digging next door!” Naming feelings, slowing down a bit and staying connected with a bit of an eye-twinkle…

“I can see you are all done with your cup. I’ll put it up on the counter and down you can get.” OR:

“Uh oh. The cup landed on the floor. Up it goes to the sink, and down you go.” Describing what you see matter-of-factly keeps your child’s attention on just what you want them to do rather than what you don’t. In essence, you are role modeling exactly what you want more of.

“Cups are for holding and drinking–when you are done we put it up on the counter. Let’s go find the balls you CAN throw…” “You are excited to run-run-run! The food stays in the kitchen. Here, let me help you take it to the counter and then we can run-run-run together.” Naming feelings, giving clear expectations, and respecting the energy needing to be expressed and showing them just how to do so—what a way to keep their attention on what IS okay to do…on what cups ARE for…on real learning.

“You really want me to hold you right now (as your toddler screams for you to hold him). My arms are full of the grocery bags. Daddy just got home and is excited to see you–his arms are full with YOU! Can you help him put his car keys in the dish?” Describing, affirming, offering up a choice…and keeping a bit of eye-twinkle at the forefront 🙂 .

“Hmmm…you really are upset. Let me go put the groceries down and then my arms will be ready to hold you.” Affirming feelings and being clear on what to expect--what a way to help a toddler better manage themselves when they know what to expect AND you follow through with just that. Trust is built this way.

“You aren’t ready to say hello to mommy and give her a hug. I can hold you a while longer. While we wait until you are ready, would you like to go with me and show mommy where your special guy is hiding?” As you describe what is happening, you are enriching your toddler with meaningful-to-them language and helping them learn to a bit more how to manage themselves.

“Ouch! It hurts our dog when you pull his ears. We use gentle hands to pet him–like this, see? Ohhhh…I can see you aren’t ready to be gentle. I’m going to take Dog to the other room so he can feel safe…” Feelings! Whether your child’s or the dogs 🙂 And respecting your toddler’s choice to NOT be gentle by keeping Dog safe, too…

“You and I will head downstairs and you can try gentle hands a bit later…” Matter-of-fact result of hard-to-be-gentle hands….respectful as you lead with calm connection.

Here’s the deal–when things get LOUD, uncomfortable, button-pushing, then really it is more about pausing, calming ourselves, and then continuing to step alongside our toddler with the calm, clear, consistent connection they need the most in order to manage the new growth that leaves them feeling so topsy-turvey.

Just think how incredibly comforting it is to know they can count on YOU to keep it together even when they cannot. Just think how safe and secure that feels for a young child (any child!) when in the midst of the turmoil new growth, new experiences, any upset in their lives can cause–they can count on you to be there, helping them do the hard work of growing. Respectfully.

Know without a doubt that your calm, consistent, connected approach will, in time, settle everything down once again. And now? Respect yourself and your inner turmoil and the hard work you’ve just done and are continuing to be presented with by depositing into YOUR self-care account! You matter.

Here’s to you and your toddler!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Squeals of delight!

October 26, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

Story time!

A Mama and a five-month-old baby. Floor time for the chubby little guy. Fussiness begins. Mama says, “You need something. I wonder if you’d like to play airplane?” Followed by her signing airplane, flying her hand slowly across his field of vision.

Squeals of delight! Body wiggles and smiles spread. Mama picks up her son, saying, “You want to play airplane!” Down on the floor Mama goes, baby on her legs, flying gently back and forth while singing a lovely airplane song. More smiles and squeals of delight. Mama obviously got this request just right!

Fast forward and hour or so. Baby on floor again, beginning to fuss. Mama says, “I hear you. You need something. Would you like to play airplane again?” Her hands signing airplane, flying gently across her son’s field of vision.

Silence. Baby turns his head aside and stops his wiggling.

“Ahhh…”, Mama said, “You don’t want to play airplane. That isn’t what you want.” Baby turns again to look at her, fussing louder. “Let’s pick you up and see what you might need.” Up went Baby and LUNGE his little hands went toward her chest–“You are ready to eat! Let’s get settled on the couch…”

And off they went to nurse.

What a simply wonderful, respectful, relationship building round of interactions. What is communicated to her baby as she listens, asks questions, and respects just what it is he is asking for? I believe:

“I trust you to know just what you need.

I have confidence in your ability to manage yourself. I respect how you feel and what you need. You can trust me to

listen and understand. You can trust me

to answer your needs.”

What a way to begin building the foundation of inner direction, self-awareness, of a child who understands what THEY like, don’t like, can do, cannot do, are responsible for, are not responsible for, how they feel…what a way to begin building a mutually respectful, positive, deeply connected relationship. What a way to grow Baby’s language comprehension, future language skills, and all other brain healthy things. What a way to begin growing a capable, competent child. What a way to grow, period.

Mama could’ve ignored her baby’s desire to NOT play airplane the second time around. She could have just picked him up anyway and begun playing what she knew to be a favorite game. Maybe he’d have settled into it for a short while, but more likely he would have gotten louder in his upset.

What might have she communicated by ignoring his signal for NOT playing airplane? I believe:

“You really don’t mean what you just told me. I know better than you what you meant.” Not a recipe for growing an inner-directed soul who knows just what they want…need…feel. Not a recipe for growing someone able to trust themselves.

“You really don’t feel this way, I know better than you how you feel.” Do we really want to grow future adults who need to look to others to know how they feel? And YES, sometimes we do “know better” how they feel–so naming that feeling and using our words to talk about what we will do is key: “I think you really need to sleep. Let’s try settling to a nap…”

“I don’t trust what you are trying to tell me.” And oh how we WANT them to grow their ability to trust themselves–and us!

“You can’t count on me to respect how you feel.” Respect. Key for healthy relationships and it begins in infancy.

No, instead Mama listened, watched, trusted her baby. She asked him questions and respected his response. Yes, five-month-old babies can tell us plenty–if we watch with care, talk about what we see, respect how they feel. They can tell us so many important things about themselves–and all the while learning so much about themselves, about us, about relationships, about…well…everything.

Even when we have to do something different from what Baby is asking for, we can do it with respect, care, questions, language that helps them understand a bit more.

We can do it gently, affirming out loud what they’d really like and why they may have to wait. We can build their trust in us by following through gently with just what we said needed to happen, “You really want to see Papa RIGHT AWAY. Your diaper is dirty and we need to change it first. Then you can go see Papa!” “You are ready to nurse. I need to use the bathroom first, and then we can settle on the couch together.” “I know you don’t want to get buckled in safely in your car-seat. We are headed out in the car and it is time. Let’s sing a song…”

It was with immense appreciation and joy that I witnessed this lovely, simple exchange between a Mama and Baby. It is in its simplicity that it speaks so loudly for the kind of relationships necessary in order to grow and live well.

Today, listen first. Ask questions. Respect choices. Be calm and consistent with your follow-through. Name and affirm feelings–always! And know, by doing so–no matter what age child you have–you’ve just created a relationship building experience.

How cool is that?
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

To All Parents…

October 10, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

“You should tell him NO. He’s being so disrespectful!”

“Just don’t LET her talk back to you! She should know better…(and so should you!)”

“I’m just so TIRED. And confused. How do I get my kids to listen and cooperate?”

“When YOU were little we never let you get away with that!”

“You should…you better…of you don’t…you should do what I did…MY kids don’t…”

Sage advice from Grandma, your best friend, a neighbor…given rather freely and done to help you get through something difficult–and you have tried it all. You’ve tried to be patient like they’ve said. You’ve tried sticking to certain consequences, making certain rules, forcing them to comply. You’ve read books, followed parenting Facebook pages, tried to copy other parents you are impressed by.

You wonder if you are doing it all wrong…or that you are just a lousy parent and should just throw in the towel and live with the way it is, no matter how crummy it feels. Just live with the overwhelmed, frustrating, TIRED. Just live with your buttons constantly getting pushed, yelling the name of the game, guilt swallowing you whole at times.

Sound familiar? Here’s the good news: You CAN feel better.

This is why I do the work I do. Check out both of my books and my blog. Why?

Because my work is less about advice and way more about DISCOVERY followed by positive and meaningful CHANGE. Discovering what really is working well for you and your children. Looking at things from a different vantage point that can leave you feeling encouraged…empowered…even inspired to create the change you want the most (and definitely putting more smiles on your face).

My work is about growing your ability to tap into what works for YOU and your children–rather than what works for your neighbor, grandma, your best friend–or me! To tap into YOUR strengths, appreciate YOUR child’s abilities, and create the positive and productive and meaningful change you really want.

To feel confident you are parenting WELL.

My books are filled with stories of others walking a similar path as you and will leave you feeling inspired (and relieved!).

They are filled with do-able and practical steps that can be tailored to fit you and the way you do things. They can be the “partner” you need to work alongside you to build the kind of family life and relationships you truly want rather than telling you what to do.

They are warm, encouraging, easy to read, and can leave you feeling far more confident and clear and empowered along your journey as a parent. And just think! I’m a Facebook or blog message away as you have questions, stumble, work hard, want to share….

“Parenting Inspired; Finding Grace in the Chaos, Confidence in Yourself, and Gentle Joy along the Way”

“PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection”

“Parenting Through Relationship; Ideas and inspiration to help you be the parent you intend to be”

Know that both are written so only a few minutes of reading before you fall sound asleep is enough to leave you feeling the support and encouragement you need the most. Real and lasting change takes time and deserves the respect of time. So take time today–spend a few minutes reading…that’s all.

You CAN feel better. What a gift to your children!

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Said with a huff, “Parents these days!”

September 26, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Self-care Comment

Said with a huff, “Parents these days! They are doing SUCH a poor job…”

Or maybe (and equally with a huff), “She should give her child some DISCIPLINE!”

Or perhaps, “In MY day we knew how to make our kids behave!”

And off go the adults huffing and puffing…and on go the kids being anywhere from over-the-top challenging to as typical as typical can be…

…and sink-into-an-embarrassment hole goes mom or dad, or maybe just the opposite as their blood pressure goes over-the-top just like the kids…

And THEN…well? Who knows. Maybe everyone gets moved along their way as if nothing is happening–hush hush, now, let’s go. Or maybe mom or dad try ever so hard to get their child to “behave.” Or maybe everyone blows. None of it very pretty. Or effective.

Or encouraging.

And this is where I’m going. It feels pretty awful to have others throwing comments your way or even just thinking them that are all about CRITICISM. And really, isn’t this way more about the critical adult’s discomfort over what seems to be less than wonderful behavior? Discomfort over something they’d LIKE to control and can’t?

I think so. Discomfort that can feel like frustration. Or embarrassment for another, and hence yourself since you now feel embarrassed you are embarrassed. Or maybe just plain anger. And it is expressed verbally, critically, often in what seems to be a “light” manner with that nudge nudge don’t you agree or an eye-roll, or sarcasm.

Consider this. It takes a village to raise a child. It takes support, encouragement, understanding, compassion, extra hands, more time than you ever realized, lots of self-care…

Criticism offers none of these. Appreciation offers all of them. I’m done with–and actually rarely participated in, anyway–chuckling and ha-ha-ing a bit with those who say things like that. I’m done with walking away and rolling MY eyes at my husband who knows exactly what I’m thinking. Nope. No more. Because I intend to get much better myself at staying true to what I believe and know…even if discomfort reins.

Said (by me) to those huffing and puffing over “Parents these days!”, “You know, I think parents these days are doing a darn good job with an extraordinarily tough job–and since it takes a village to raise a child, I am sure they’d appreciate any support and encouragement you can give…”

Said (by me) to those declaring, “She should give her child some DISCIPLINE!”, “You know what, it is really really hard when our child loses it in the store. Seems to me she is working hard at being calm and I think that is exactly what will help the most. I’m going to see if she needs an extra hand…”

Said (by me) to those sure that in THEIR day they did it “right” by “making” their kids behave, “Yep. It’s certainly different now, as we work hard at helping our children grow into independent, self-directed, compassionate adults…” (okay, so I haven’t said that YET, but I’m working on it…)

Encouragement. Appreciation. Support.

Even a quick smile. What a difference for parents when others around them care enough to put aside their own discomfort over what can be a less than wonderful scene and at minimum THINK support, compassion, encouragement.

Even better, offer those needed extra hands, or an appreciative “It’s tough! I get it. Can I help?”, or an understanding smile, or actually step in when kids need to know what they are to do differently, what is expected (like recently in a hummingbird exhibit showing some curious and exuberant children where TO stand and how to be as still as possible as they studied a mama hummingbird in her nest…rather than poking and prodding and bumping and disrupting…) Amazing and rather simple when you think about it when kids are shown what they CAN do rather than be yelled at, yanked, told to quit… Actually, that’s a whole other post to write and its all about what we focus on grows….

Just think what could be different for all of us if we felt and experienced this support and encouragement instead of critical eyes and words when we are most embarrassed, upset, frustrated. Just think.

And just think what our children will learn about their world around them–that we are all in this together, striving to do our best and being better every single day, and that they (and us!) can count on this village to be there for them. No matter what. Helping them become their very best, as well.

How cool would that be? Today, appreciate, first and foremost. I think you’ll like what it can change…and how it feels. I know I do.

Quit fighting! Go to your room!

September 18, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting 2 Comments

“No more hitting! Go to your room!”

“We have to leave, it’s late. If you aren’t going to listen to me, then there’ll be no bedtime stories when we get home!”

“No screen time. None. Zippo. Nada. Not until your room is entirely clean. Oh! And if you are going to use THAT tone with me, then there will be no playing with your buddy tomorrow!”

“There’s no way you can have the toy back. Not until you learn how to play with it nicely!”

“QUIT FIGHTING. Argh. Both of you–to time out!”

Sound familiar? Sound productive?

Usually not, unless compliance and obedience in the moment is your goal, and long-term frustration and discontent equally your goal.

Here’s the deal. When we punish we are really saying “You need to behave the “right way,” the way I want you to behave, otherwise I will lose it and won’t feel the good and in control parent I want to be!”

We tend to be more reactive because we are frustrated they aren’t doing what we want them to do. We are exerting outside control on our kids–trying to get them to do it our way–rather than helping them learn to manage themselves from the inside out. We tend to not listen. And yes, often what we are trying so hard to make them do might be of benefit to our child, the situation, but the more it is about our upset, the less they are really learning what it is we hope they will learn.

Instead they are most likely learning:

“Mom loses it when I…” (now their focus is on us, rather on themselves). “I sure know how to push Dad’s button!” “How I feel doesn’t matter, it is how mom feels that matters.” “I need others to control my behavior.” “I’m not competent…” “Dad has no confidence in me or my ideas or…” “I can’t control myself.”

Probably not the lessons you hoped for. And definitely relationship depleting and ultimately making your job so much harder, for your punishments?

They’ll need to get tougher and tougher over time, since the lesson learned is really that your child needs you in order for them to behave. Talk about exhausting…

Let’s look at a different approach–a respectful and relationship building one.

It takes more time, yet in the long run it makes your job so much easier, because your children grow themselves from the inside out, learning to manage themselves, learning to understand feelings, to collaborate and cooperate and work with you. Really!

Here are the same examples for you:

~”Hitting is never okay, it hurts. I can see you are upset. It looks like you really were annoyed when your brother surprised you.” PAUSE. Give space for your child to respond. “Can you tell him about the mad you feel?” And to the brother, “It hurt when she hit you! She really didn’t like it when you surprised her. You enjoy sneaking up and surprising her–it can be a fun game when she likes it, too.” PAUSE. “Do you two have ideas for how this game could work so both of you enjoy it?”

~”It’s time to go now. I can tell you are having a lot of fun and don’t feel ready to leave. What is one more thing you’d like to do before we get our shoes and coats on?” PAUSE. Listen. “Okay! When you are finished with your turn, we’ll head out.” Maybe your child still resists–“You really still don’t feel ready. Now we are going. Off we go to the car–!” And you pick them up, shoes in hand, and head to the car, calmly, matter-of-factly, ready to turn on the music so you have something to distract YOU as they turn their screaming volume up high…

~”When your room is picked up, you can watch your show.” THAT tone gets used. PAUSE. “It makes you mad that you have to work on your room, first. There is a lot of stuff on your floor–I bet it looks pretty overwhelming to you! Would it help if I picked up the clothes and you worked on filling your bookshelf?” PAUSE. “Looks like you aren’t ready for my help. I’ll be in the kitchen. If you change your mind, let me know.” And off you go…

~”Blocks aren’t for throwing! Let’s see how high of a tower we can build with them, instead.” “Hmmm…you still feel like throwing. I’ll put the blocks away for now and you and I can go find all the soft things in the house that we CAN throw!” “You really want the blocks back. When you’ve calmed down (and I can help you), you can try building with them again…”

~”Sounds like the two of you are having a hard time working together. I hear a lot of loud and upset voices.” PAUSE. Space for your kids to respond. “You both have ideas for how to play the game.” PAUSE. “I wonder what the two of you can work out so both ideas could be used?” And keep on pausing…

Respectful. Thoughtful. Your focus on what it is you really want your child to learn–to use their words, to control their bodies, to express their feelings appropriately and productively, to know what they CAN do to build friendships, to communicate, to grow well.

Now you’re communicating YOUR confidence in who they are becoming; that their feelings and ideas are valued; that they matter; that you respect them. Now they are more likely to respect you, as a result.

What does this require from you?

Pausing, first and foremost. Calming your own upset. Being clear on just what you want the most–including what qualities you intend to foster in your children AND what you want in the moment. Then stepping into it with the calm confidence and clarity necessary for guiding your child.

Often it isn’t very pretty. You can feel exhausted. A wreck. Embarrassed, even. Your adrenaline at times can get the best of you. I encourage you to keep focused on respectful parenting–on relationship building interactions–on the kind of adult you intend to launch into the world. And this is what you show your child as you guide them through the tumultuous times.

Show them how to PAUSE. Show them about feelings. Show them how blocks are to be used and how others’ feelings are to be respected. Show them what collaboration looks like. Show them respect by being respectful–and this includes honoring their choice to NOT listen or behave and calmly following through with the results of this.

Consequences really are just the result of your child’s choice and an opportunity to guide them a bit more towards the “end” you intend. Let go of controlling and instead show your child today. And know it is a journey, a process that deserves the respect of time.

You can do this! It initially takes extra time and energy…so be sure you are depositing into YOUR self-care account regularly–then you’ll have the patience and resilience necessary. And the best parts? Parenting gets easier and relationships can thrive. Truly. How cool is that?

A resource to help you along: “Parenting Inspired; Finding Grace in the Chaos, Confidence in Yourself, and Gentle Joy along the Way”

Here’s to respectful parenting,
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

That Scary Stick Horse…

September 17, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and ever so enjoyed:

~ The gentle and respectful introduction of a scary and at times noisy stick-horse (you know, those yard long sticks with a big furry head on top, then add squeezing the ears for a “trot trot” and “neigh neigh” sound?) to a certain 15-month-old in my life. Watching his Mama first ask her little guy if he’d like to see the horse and ***pausing*** as she waited for him to mull it over. And mull he did. He’d had a startling experience once upon a time with this very same Scary Horse, and he’d been quite wary of it since. Mama continued to PAUSE and wait quietly.

Toddler looked at her, the Scary Horse, and back to her and proceeded to BOUNCE up and down.

“You would like to see the horse!” And then Mama s-l-o-w-l-y brought Scary Horse closer, watching with care.

Concern spread across toddler’s face, Mama slowed down further.

“You’re not sure how close you’d like him to come,” she said.

Relief spread across this little guy’s face. He relaxed and Scary Horse came all the way over and out stretched the toddler’s hand to touch the soft face. Now he even wanted to hear the “trot trot trot” and “neigh neigh” sound–as long as Mr. Horse was moving BACK to where he belonged in the corner of a room. What a wonderfully respectful way to grow confidence in a little guy. He was in charge of what he felt and Mama respected this. He was communicating clearly, and Mama respected this. I bet next time he is just a bit more comfortable with Mr. Horse, for he is no longer Scary Horse!

~ The first grader who shared his new deck of Pokeman cards with a favorite adult. Despite a fun movie (Inside Out!) being enjoyed together, it was the Pokeman cards that were number one in his life–he spent the entire movie laying out the cards on the floor in rows of ten, talking constantly about each one, what they meant, and then ordering them by how they “evolve.” Now and then he’d pause, climb up next to his adult and snuggle, with a few cards in hand to talk about, all the while watching the movie and saying “I won’t tell you what happens because I don’t want to spoil it for you, but…” and on he’d go with what happens! Then off the couch to re-organize his cards once again…The perpetual motion, the curiosity, the imagination, the conversation…oh, the fun! Having the opportunity to spend one-on-one time with a 6.5 year old is something to cherish…

~ The almost 5-year-old who immersed himself in an imaginative game of “I’m the kitty and YOU are the owner!” This ‘kitty?’ Slurped up the water in a bowl, rolled and crawled around the house, scratched on the kitty scratching post, fetched sticks (?!!), enjoyed crumbled up muffins in another bowl–YUM! Kitty food! On and on he scrambled around the house, mewing and purring and if he’d had a tail, it would have been happily swishing away!

His total engagement with his game, the joy of an adult joining in just how HE dictated, and his ability to flow with the interruptions of his 3-year-old brother, the adults who wanted to talk, the cooking that needed tending...all spoke to the wonderful way his parents have given him the time and space to be. To play. To imagine. To be in charge of himself. What a joy! This kitty can come play at my house any time :-).

Take time today to notice and appreciate. Whether it is a parent working hard at keeping it together or a child’s antics that put a smile on your face, or a moment caught between parent and child that leaves you feeling a bit of real joy. Notice and appreciate, for what we focus on grows.

Enjoy!
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Let those (ever-so-big and upsetting) feelings FINISH.

September 7, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

“I just have to finish my cry.” (Teacher Tom)

All the way. Completely.

I truly appreciate this article on Teacher Tom’s blog. All about sitting with another in an uncomfortable place. This is something our children are ever so good at giving us LOTS of opportunity to do–to grow ourselves as we get better and better at sitting in another’s upset, sad, discomfort without trying to fix or judge or excuse.

This, I believe, is true empathy.It is the ability to step

into another’s shoes, accept their experience and feelings as based

in their truth (not necessarily ours), and connect.

Not fix or judge or excuse, but connect.

This is difficult. We all want those LOUD feelings to just go away–way less embarrassing, uncomfortable, aggravating.

We all want our deeply hurt child to be no longer deeply hurt (and to make sure the person who hurt their feelings so deeply apologizes! Go check out my “say your sorry” article! ). We all want that toy throwing, foot stomping, door slamming, tantrum throwing child (or teen!) to COOL THEIR JETS. Now. For heaven’s sake hurry up we don’t have time for you to finish your cry completely. Pull it together!

And yet…take a moment and consider the messages we can communicate when we let our anxiety over our child’s big (and very real) feelings get in the way of connecting in a relationship-building way. Consider these:

...”I can’t handle how you are behaving and feeling.” Whew. For a child to hear that the most mature person cannot handle how the least mature person is feeling–that is truly scary.

...”How you feel doesn’t matter…isn’t important…is not valued…” Yikes. Probably never what we want to communicate…we ALL want our feelings to matter and be valued–to be heard and understood and welcomed into a safe, loving place…

...”You cannot count on me to keep it together when you are upset…” Talk about rocking a child’s world and undermining the trust on which all is built.

...”You need ME to tell you how you SHOULD be feeling, handling this, thinking, behaving…” Now there’s an often well-meaning response, but all it really does is undermine our child’s confidence in themselves and ability to manage themselves…and have them turning more and more to others to fix, tell how, think for…

…”How you feel isn’t okay/good/allowed. You need to feel differently (aka, happy)!” Here’s the deal–as much as “happy” is way easier, if our response to our child’s big upset feelings is to get happy, then we are displacing just what makes us whole and wonderful human beings–our incredible and valuable range of feelings. The more deeply we feel, the more incredible joy and connection is ours to be had.

Okay. So those are some of the messages we give another when we are unable to “let them finish their cry.” Here’s a short story for you I shared initially on Teacher Tom’s post that highlights the power of letting someone finish their cry:

“To be allowed to finish your cry…how essential for all things relationship-building. I know a young mama whose 16-month-old toddler was VERY upset recently over a vacuum incident and pushed her away as she tried to comfort him. Despite mama feeling devastated that she couldn’t comfort him, she paused…sat herself down across the room from him and waited for him to finish his cry.

She found her self quietly talking to him, affirming his upset, and eventually (maybe for her own comfort!) starting to sing. This had her little guy pausing a bit in his Big Cry…then toddling across the floor to fling himself into her arms and finishing his cry. Now mama cried as she gratefully comforted her son and realized what a gift she had just given him: an opportunity to FEEL, to discover that he, on his own and by his own choice, could manage his big upset, that he could count on mama to keep herself calm and connected (even from a distance) even though he couldn’t (what a way to feel safe and secure). So much learned…and mama just grew a bit stronger herself, as she managed her own upset!”

I just have to finish my cry. YES. To grow ourselves in such a way that we can sit in another’s discomfort is a real gift for all.

Today, see what works for you to PAUSE in your child’s upset.

Consider letting them “finish their cry completely.” Decide how that might look for you and for your child. Think about empathy…and how, in their truth, whatever pushed their button was worth the big feelings.

Let them know you are there and be a quiet presence for them. Notice what it takes for you–talk to your anxiety, your discomfort, your irritation. Discover what works for you to manage YOUR feelings so your child can learn to manage theirs.

And wait. Your child will let you know just when he needs more than your company…or you will know because you’ve waited quietly alongside (or across the room!), staying present and keeping them company and tuned in to just what they need the most. Trust yourself–and value the discomfort YOU are feeling. It is what makes YOU a whole and wonderful human being.

Thank you, Teacher Tom. Your writing resonates, empowers, and inspires.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Parenting Success: What You Focus on Grows

August 23, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Recipe for Parenting Success continues…another Essential Ingredient:

What You Focus on Grows

Intentionally put your attention to just what you want more of. Such as…

…how your child happily shares her yummy snacks with you even though she almost NEVER will do that with her brother no matter how often you encourage her to do…it’s the sharing that DOES happen that needs our attention!

..the fact that your 2-year-old did finally fall sound asleep AND in his bed. No matter that it took two exhausting hours–he DID end up in his own bed . And asleep. Definitely focus on that!

...how easily your child listened and packed her own backpack and got her own coat and shoes on and was out the door and in the car…even though it was because it was field trip day at school and she was incredibly excited to get there. She listened, cooperated, and your morning transition went WELL. Something worth focusing on.

…OR how, despite the tantrums and backpack contents spread from here to Timbuktu that required YOU to gather up and that your youngest had to be hauled out to the car, you all got loaded up. Your kids buckled and fussed and moaned but were “ready to go.” THAT is to be focused on…”Thank you for being ready to go.” (I know, by the time you are in the car, you are d-o-n-e with the whole scene. I get that.)

..how you DID create a pause and calm yourself down…albeit near the end of a knock-down-drag-out fight with your teen. At least you ended on a more connected note…and that is to be noticed and appreciated, for really, isn‘t it the connection we ultimately want more of?

…when your little one, after unrolling ALL of the toilet paper quite happily–really, it is a way-cool skill to spin and spin the roll and it really IS delightful to watch how it spills all over the floor–then gathered up bits and pieces to plop into the toilet and flush it down. THAT is to be focused on and absolutely noticed and appreciated out-loud. “You flushed the TP right down the toilet. You know exactly where it goes.”

…the JOY your child gets out of playing board games, even though she gets oh-so-mad when she loses. It’s the joy and the willingness to play that needs our attention.

…how your teen does get his laundry down to the laundry room and into the washer. Maybe it still sits there several days later…maybe you find you dump it out into a pile just to make the point of “Why don’t you FINISH doing your laundry?!”, maybe air-dried and wrinkled clothes are of no bother to him (just to you). The fact is, he got his laundry down and in. THAT is to be noticed!

…how, despite the loud and pushy wrestling match between your kids, and the tears and “MOOOOOM’s” and “Make him STOP!” you actually found yourself being rather matter-of-fact and unswayed by it all. Maybe it was because of the wonderful day you had getting a massage and going on a long and beautiful walk with a friend and that your husband was bringing take-out home for dinner… 🙂 But no matter how easy it was for you to be so calm, you were. THAT is to be focused on. And appreciated!

Here’s the deal. When we become intentional about

finding what IS working and focusing on it, the more it can actually happen.

Children seek attention in the easiest way–and so often we give it for when things go wrong, for those are the loud, frustrating, chaotic moments and they exasperate us. And we let them know–often just as loudly, frustratingly, chaotically.

When our kids are actually doing things cooperatively, when they do listen, are focused and engaged with a friend immersed in their play, getting jobs done without being asked, we tend to ignore it. Oh, we often notice, but if we SAY something we might stir the pot and heavens we don’t want THAT to happen because at least now we have some peace and quiet…

And yet, those are the things we really DO want more of. So we must give them our attention–more so than all the yuck. What we focus on grows.

Let your kids know–often–what it is you notice and appreciate.

Give them attention (maybe after the fact, maybe during) for their ability to share with you, how much fun it is to play games with someone who loves to play them, how they do get their laundry started, can be ready to roll in the morning, put TP where it belongs, that they must feel so well rested after sleeping soundly in their own bed. And give yourself attention and kudos galore for creating the pause to calm down NO MATTER how late into the conflict it arises.

What We Focus on Grows. Always. In time, with patience, with a strengthening PAUSE muscle. This is a mantra to live by.

And it really is an Essential Ingredient in our Recipe for Parenting Success. Another ingredient can be found here.

With JOY and appreciation,

Parenting Success: Respect Feelings

August 17, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Respect Feelings! And oh so difficult at times . A definite Essential Ingredient for our Parenting Success recipe!

Big, little, LOUD, volcanic, deeply felt, seemingly silly or unnecessary in our eyes. When a child is given the opportunity to FEEL, to have us name their feeling, and give them the safe and respectful place to express it, they can then more likely own it, understand it, and better manage it.

And when they can better manage their feelings, all kinds of way-cool things can happen…

…self-awareness grows exponentially–ever so necessary to learn about themselves, what they like and don’t like, who they are, what their place is in the world, what makes THEM tick.

…they feel more in-charge of themselves–now that is empowering for a child! Confident and capable can lead the way because feelings are understood and appreciated.

…compassion for others grows; empathy is right around the corner. What a necessary quality to grow for healthy living. Empathy for another. It begins with us empathizing with them as they FEEL–however loud, big, volcanic, deeply sad, seemingly unnecessary…

...feeling more in control of themselves, they feel more secure. And with feeling more secure, they can now truly do the job of growing. Because growth takes feeling safe, in control, supported, for this growth? It often feels rather tumultuous…

...they can feel stronger from the inside out–truly what I believe we all want for our children. What better way to set them up for navigating hurt feelings, broken hearts, peer pressure to take drugs, have sex, drink and drive (whoa…ever thought about that as you look at your 4-year-old freaking out and you are exasperated as you tell them–“You don’t need to cry! Get over it!”?)

Respect Feelings. Here’s the deal, it requires us to manage our OWN upset, irritation, frustration, heart-felt sorrow as we help our children process theirs. And this is oh-so-hard at times, for those BIG and LOUD feelings really can push our button and feel so darn uncomfortable.

Things to focus on:

PAUSE. Calm your OWN anxiety, first. Consider for a moment as your child feels deeply, loudly, energetically. Pauses are ALWAYS helpful–and if it is hurtful behavior being shown as feelings are expressed, a pause can become a part of your stepping in quickly via your self-talk, it can be those deep breaths you take as you stop your child, it can be the moment you physically wrap your arms around them to stop the hitting or running or whatever is happening. Need help with this? See my books! Or ask

Name and affirm their feeling: “I can tell you are…” “You seem disappointed.” “It really hurts your feelings…” “That makes you MAD.”

Give choices with what they CAN do with feelings that are over-the-top and needing a more productive direction: “You feel really angry. I will stop you from hurting me. If you need to hit, let’s go hit the couch…pound the floor…”

And always, always follow through with the choices given.

Know that, as you work at staying calm and connected with your child no matter their upset, you are communicating to them they can count on you to keep it together even (and most especially) when they cannot. What a way for a child to feel safe and secure even in the midst of a big upset. What a way to grow TRUST in you, in themselves.

Respect Feelings.

A key ingredient and essential for a child to grow well, be in-charge and in control of themselves. To feel compassion and be compassionate. To have the inner self-awareness necessary to truly know themselves and to feel strong from the inside out.

Another essential ingredient can be found right here.

Here’s to you…

Choices Choices Choices–Help!

July 24, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional 2 Comments

So you give your child choice A or B…and they choose C. Now what?

Because really, choice A or B were the ones that you REALLY wanted them to take to make it easy for you–besides being the “right” ones to choose…and darn it all, they choose C 🙂 .

You know–it is time to leave so you ask, “Are you going to put on your shoes all by yourself (choice A) or would you like my help (choice B)?” Reasonable choices and typically it is a slam dunk and out the door you go. But today, your child ignores you…runs away…picks up their shoes and throws them across the room (lots of choice C’s!).

You might find yourself heat up and tip over the edge and march your child firmly by the arm to make them do just what you want them to do.You might find yourself pleading over and over, hoping to avoid a meltdown and still get out the door in one piece (though definitely not on time).You may be frustrated because you understand choices are good and here you’ve given them what is good for their little independent selves…and it didn’t seem to work.

Consider this–your child chose C because it is their job.

Their job to practice being in charge of him or her self

as often as possible.

Their job to test you, to let you know THEIR preference, to state loud and clear “I am the boss of ME!” And your child is right. They ARE the boss of themselves, and as the boss, they get to ultimately decide what choice they will make. This is truly evidence of just the kind of self-directed, independent soul you (most of the time) want to grow.Someone who is in charge of themselves.

Okay, but you still need to get out the door. To continue to support your child in their quest to be independent it is important to respect their choice. How does this look and still get out the door–maybe on time?

Ideas for you:

“It looks like you aren’t ready to put your shoes on. I can see how mad you feel. Describe what you see and acknowledge feelings, always. It is time to go, and because it is too hard for you to choose I will choose for you.”

And maybe you then wrangle your child into your lap and wrestle their shoes on–calmly, matter-of-factly, communicating your respect that they chose otherwise, communicating clearly the result of their choice. And now your child has the opportunity to discover whether they LIKE the result of choice C…and because you are calm and matter-of-fact, it isn’t about YOU, it is about them and their choice. Truly an opportunity for learning and growth.

Or maybe it is fruitless to wrestle shoes on, for it takes just a swift kick and the shoes go flying off once again. So maybe the result of their choosing C is you pick them up in one arm, their shoes in another, and out the door you go. Ignoring the tantrum in the back seat about “I don’t WANT bare-feet!” again gives them the opportunity to decide if choice C really was something they liked. “You chose to not put on your shoes. You don’t like bare-feet, it makes you really upset. When we get to school, you can decide if you are going to put on your shoes by yourself or with my help.” Again, describe what you see and name the feelings. Now your child learns a bit more about what they are responsible for…all because you’ve respected their choice and responded calmly and matter-of-factly with what needs to happen.

Or maybe you can tell your child needs option D and you are okay with that.

“Hmmm…looks like you really want to keep playing with your marbles. We need to get shoes on and head out. You can bring your marbles with you, if you like–I’d really like to see the biggest one of all! Can you come show me while we put on your shoes?” And now you’ve respected their desires, flowed with their energy, and still pointed them in the direction necessary to go. They can feel in charge and you can feel grateful it worked.

Staying calm and matter-of-fact helps your child

discover whether or not he likes the result of the choice he made–now influencing him in such a way that the next time around he may be more likely to choose differently.

What does this require of us? Patience. Understanding. Humor! Consistency. Stamina. Creativity. The ability to PAUSE–essential for helping you find that calm place to respond, that calm place from which to be okay if meltdowns occur, if the house is left a disaster zone, if your car’s back seat looks like a junk pile as you throw everything in and get a move on.

Choice C. It really is okay. Breathe through it, honor it, and be clear on what you really want, for now you communicate respect for your child’s choice and encourage the growth of an independent soul. And still get out the door.

More about PAUSE for you right here: Use The Power of PAUSE

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

How would YOU feel?

July 8, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional 2 Comments

How would YOU feel if…

…a shirt was suddenly and unexpectedly pulled over your head from behind?

…people around you talked about how you perform on the toilet?

…people kept poking you, tickling you, and getting their face right up in yours when you were totally engrossed in a complex thought process (such as learning something new, or immersed in a good mystery book…)?

…in the midst of relishing a fabulous dish of fettuccine a washcloth was swiped back and forth across your mouth? And maybe the plate even taken away?

…you were constantly interrupted as you tried to stay focused on complicated instructions for constructing an elaborate piece of equipment?

…you were told “you’re okay!” as you grieved over a lost loved one? Or, “it doesn’t hurt!” following an injury that will require multiple stitches?

…you were told you needed to eat more even when you felt full? Or that you were all done even when you were still hungry?

…someone unexpectedly swooped you up and moved you without warning?

…things were pushed into your mouth without consideration for whether you even wanted them in your mouth?

I’d venture to say you’d feel upset, frustrated, mad, startled, misunderstood, confused. And this is what we often do without hesitating when it comes to our babies and toddlers.

Respect. It is key and it begins at birth.

Let your little one know before you put her shirt on—“It’s time to put your shirt on over your head. Are you ready? (look for the eye contact, the smile, the wiggle in response…look for the arms coming up or the eyes squeezing tight in preparation…) Okay! Here it goes…o-v-e-r your head…”

Keep interruptions to a minimum or not at all when your baby is concentrating on reaching for and examining something or your toddler is working hard at putting the square block in the round hole. Need to interrupt? Move next to them and pause briefly as you watch them, then let them know softly–“You are really studying the way your rattle looks as you move it! It is time to…I’m going to pick you up and we can bring the rattle with us. Ready? Here we go!”

Ask before you wipe mouths--better yet, give your baby a wet washcloth and let them do it all on their own—“Time to get the sticky food off your mouth. Here’s the washcloth. Can you wipe up?” “I need to clean off your chin. Ready? (as you hold it up and show them…look for their response!) You ARE ready. Wipe-wipe-wipe…nice and gentle. All done! Thank you for helping.”

Warn your baby before you pick them up—“Daddy’s going to pick you up so we can go….” Pause briefly and wait until your baby responds (A wiggle? A smile? Arms up?). Or at least pause for this slows you down physically, allowing your baby to be ready, as well.

Ask first if they want their pacifier, or another bite, and respect their response—“Looks like you are all done.” And stay tuned in to whether your baby WANTS you to keep tickling, poking, being in their face. Babies are excellent at letting you know they need a break. You can be equally excellent at respecting this. “I can tell you are all done with our tickle game! I will stop now.”

Always, always honor and affirm feelings—no need to make them ‘all better’–more importantly, just be there to name, ask questions, comfort. Now your little one can begin to understand their feelings–the start to managing them as they grow. And helping US manage OURS as the struggles and feelings grow in intensity–ours and theirs–over the years

Respect. The groundwork is laid from the beginning. The respect you show and grow from day one becomes a way of life–and this pays off hugely come teen years.

Start right now and PAUSE before you act.

Keep respect at the forefront of your thoughts and your actions will follow. Know what feels respectful, be clear on nurturing respect, role model it constantly…and you may discover that parenting becomes easier.

And YES, you can begin today interacting with greater respect no matter the age of your child. Let PAUSE and calm connection lead the way. It speaks volumes.

It begins with you.

Want to know more about babies? Check out Important Moments in the Day of a Baby.

With respectful appreciation,

Alice

No No NO! I said NO!

June 17, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

“No no!”
“I said NO.”
“Stop that!”

“Come here to mama right now.”

“I said, come here!”

Then maybe the Arm Grab or Yank.
Or the Hand Slap or Bottom Swat.
Definitely the “ARGH! You didn’t LISTEN.”

Sound familiar?

Toddlers. Oh so trying, testing, totally terrific, too

(Preschoolers, too. Or maybe elementary. Definitely teens…and really, as you read this, know that if you have an older-than-toddler-child, it is still much the same…with tweaks, of course…)

Their job?

To be increasingly in charge of themselves (Think: future independent young adult).

To try things on for size–over and over and over again.

To see–truly SEE–if they can count on YOU to act upon what you say–and hopefully the first time.

To ask of us to be clear about what it is we want–and if we aren’t, they’ll just test us once again…to try to be SURE of what we want…

And boy, does this often get a rise out of us. Just BEHAVE. Do what I say and without a fuss (hopefully without a fuss! Which is why we say NO and STOP and Come here over and over again, hoping to avoid that fuss, because it just requires even MORE time and it can be so darn embarrassing).

Hence the repeating we do. The ARGH and Arm Yank or Hand Slap or Bottom Swat.

DISCLAIMER: Never do I recommend these EVER (except for the ARGH!).

And it begins to ramp up. We wonder why they KEEP testing us…why these often adorable, delightful, joyful little ones look us in the eye and hit or bite or ignore us once again.

Here’s the deal. These toddlers? They need us to be calm.

Consistent. Clear.

They need us to communicate with OUR words just what it is we want. They need us to show them–patiently and often–just what it is we are wanting them to do and learn and how to BE. That Arm Yank? Hand Slap? Bottom Swat? All they really teach is that it is okay to yank, slap, swat–not something we want our child doing to another, not something we should ever do.

All they really teach is that Mama or Papa do THIS when I do THAT. Not very effective for really helping a little one learn about their world or themselves. All it really does is turn their impish selves ON even more and test, act up, push your buttons–probably not what you intend to have happen!

A few ideas for you as you work on guiding your toddler in positive, productive, and healthy ways:

Describe what you see, first: “You are busy pulling all the clothes out of the drawer!” (this, after you spent all day just trying to get the laundry put away!).” Then you head over next to your toddler who is wonderfully practicing just the opposite of what she saw you doing as you put laundry away and say, “Mama just finished getting all these shirts and socks IN to the drawer! Can you plunk them back in with me? One, two, three…in they go.”

And as your toddler looks at you with that impish twinkle and runs away in circles to just come back and take armfuls back OUT of the drawer? Instead of the “NO” or the Arm Yank, Hand Slap or the Bottom Swat followed by the “I told you to stop!” try:

“It’s too hard for you to keep the clothes where they belong right now. I’m going to scoop them up and put them away.” And you can physically insert your body between drawers and toddler as you (cheerfully–or as cheerfully as possible…or maybe not cheerfully at all…) dump the clothes back in (to be folded once again at a later date–maybe), then turn to your tot and say, “Up you go and let’s check on kitty…or something outside…or a book…or…”

Now you’ve followed through with what you’ve said–that the clothes belong in the drawer. You’ve given a choice for them to join in with you—and keeping it light-hearted you are staying connected in a way that speaks loudly to a young child. You’ve stopped them without punishment and instead helped them through one of their testing moments (remember, testing is really all about US–whether we can pass their test by being calm and consistent and clear). Now they can learn a bit more about managing themselves.

Now you’ve just stepped in as the GUIDE they need…

…rather than the rather harried disciplinarian who is really more concerned about control and losing control…Okay. So what about the more extreme moments? Hitting, biting, BIG tears/screams–-the same thing goes for these.

Stop the hurting behavior with, “I will stop you from hitting/biting me, it HURTS.”

Then affirm feelings involved/describe what you see, “You are really frustrated because you’d like me to play with you and I’m so busy talking to papa.”

Offer up what it is you WANT–-and how they can participate in that: “It’s so hard to wait when I’m busy, isn’t it? Would you like me to pick you up while you wait for Papa and me to be done?”

And maybe it is about pausing in your conversation with your spouse and giving your full attention to your tot as you work at settling them down…picking them up, talking a bit…and THEN: “Papa and I need to finish talking now. Do you want me to keep holding you, or are you ready to get down and find a book to look at while you wait?”

With LESS attention on the “mis” behavior and much more on how you’d like them to move through upsetting times, you will discover real growth to occur (after you repeat a million times…!)

THIS is guiding at its best. Which means, in the long run,

a “disciplined” child–someone who CAN manage themselves, who knows what to do and how to be, who will more likely listen and respond and cooperate or collaborate.

It takes time. It takes PAUSE. It takes deep breathing, encouraging self talk, the ability to let go and step alongside and be fully present. It is hard.

And yet, it is even harder when we don’t do this–for all the yuck ramps up and as your child gets older it gets WAY more difficult. So today, when you find yourself talking across the room to your toddler trying to get them to STOP, COME, do it differently,

PAUSE, first. Consider what words to use to help your child know clearly what it is you WANT–instead of what you don’t want. Then go to them and show them.

It will pay dividends. Huge ones. And it will, most definitely, make your job easier. Really!

If you’ve enjoyed this article, here is another about toddlers: Toddlers! Totally Terrific…

And another about all-things-NO! can be found here.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author of “Parenting Inspired” and “PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection”
PCI Certified Parent Coach® and ScreamFree Certified Leader
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Save Your “NO!”

April 18, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

When we save our NOs for times of absolute necessity, our children are much more likely to listen and behave.

My mom showed me that. Save your NO. So now what? If you follow me, then you know what I’m going to say next...What we focus on grows

Here’s the deal–if we are so busy saying NO every time our child is choosing to do something we’d really rather them not do…if we are caught up in the “don’t don’t don’t”s , if we try to rely on our “no no no!” on a regular basis, then what happens is our children stop listening to us…

…and when a safety issue arises and NO is an absolute, this can become truly problematic. Not to mention the lack of respect, listening, positive growth that is missed as our “NOs” take over.

So back to what do you do? You save your NO and instead PAUSE. Consider just what it is you DO want and speak to this. Let your child know what the YES is.

Ideas for you:

Instead of “NO you can’t have your candy before lunch!”, try “Yum, your candy is good, isn’t it? After lunch you can pick a piece to eat if you like.”

Instead of “NO, don’t throw your toy cars! Quit it!”, try “Toy cars are for driving along the floor as fast as they can! These balls are perfect for throwing…”

Instead of “NO, absolutely not, you can’t spend the night at Molly’s house!” try, “You and Molly had ideas for a slumber party. When you are 8-years-old you can do sleep-overs. I wonder if having a play-date all day long might be an idea?”

Instead of “No no no! Enough with the video games! Go outside NOW!” try, “Man, you are having fun! Your 30 minutes is up playing video games. Can you find a stopping point, please? Then we can get ready to head outside for our hike…”

Instead of NO, look to what the YES is and share that.

The cool thing? The more it is a YES, or a “here is what you CAN do”, the more a child feels heard…able to grow their competent and capable self a bit more…be focused on behavior that is preferred…have their attention on possibilities rather than limitations.

And when your child STILL refuses to go in the direction you are attempting to gently guide them towards…when they persist with exactly what you don’t want? The YES in all that is your calm, consistent follow through:

“You are having a hard time driving your cars fast on the floor. You really want to throw them. I’m worried they will hurt something or someone. Up they go to the counter. After a while you can try again.” And you calmly follow through…working hard at being okay with the big feelings sure to express themselves. Allowing those feelings!

“You are really, really disappointed that you can’t have a slumber party with Molly. I know you are upset with me. I understand. I’d be mad at my mom, too, if I couldn’t have the kind of fun I wanted.” And you sit in it and let those upset feelings pour out until your daughter is ready to be receptive to other ideas…or not . Time always helps…

And all of this? It, over time and with your ability to be intentional with just what you say and then do, grows a child who can manage themselves well, feel respected and then BE respectful, listen, cooperate, discuss, figure out just what they like and don’t like and what to do about that.

They can feel capable, competent, in charge of themselves.

And when NO is an absolute, it is now way more likely to be heard and respected.

How cool is that? My Momism from G’mom. If you like this, you may like my No No NO! article…:-)

Thank you, mom, for the very real difference you made in mine and many others’ lives. I continue to learn from and grow because of you…

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

It’s Personal, Our Grief

April 10, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Self-care, Social Emotional Comment

Grief. You’ve been there, and will be there, and maybe are there, right now.

Whether it is grief over loss of a pet, a friend, a child. Or a child grieving the loss of a beloved critter, a sibling or dear friend, a grandparent, a parent. No matter the who or what, grief.

I’ve been asked by a dear friend to talk about grief. To talk, I think, about how to manage it, move through it, feel better from it. It often floors us–this grief. It is BIG. It is DEEP. It feels insurmountable at times, it leaves us often feeling helpless–whether it is our grief or another’s.

We often, myself included, get busy trying to push our grief away. To not be sad. To “make ourselves/the other better.” To try to solve our child’s or our great big sad in whatever way we can. Sometimes this seems to work–to “make it go away.” We do it perhaps by filling up our time. Avoiding the sad. We do it by maybe buying extra things for our child, giving them lots of attention to distract them (mostly because we can’t handle their sad…), perhaps saying things like, “Don’t be sad. Here, this will help you feel better…” Or maybe we ignore it, hoping it’ll all just take care of itself.

Always, always these attempts at being “over” our grief are valid, coming from a place of deep care and compassion. They are something that communicates how important the other is to us, how much we love them. Yet when we are busy trying to make the grief “go away” we are displacing just what we or our child need in order to grow in healthy ways—an opportunity to learn more about ourselves, to manage all our feelings, to really take charge of US…or our child learn to take charge of themselves.

To be strong, from the inside out. To learn how to grieve.

Here’s what I’ve come to over time…and truly I hope this will help ME when I’m faced with seemingly insurmountable grief. I’ve come to see grief–anyone’s great big sad–as something to welcome in.

Yes, welcome–maybe not with a big joyful smile but instead with the quiet acceptance a welcome can provide. To sit in the sad and just be. To give it a place of honor. I believe the more we grow up and out and expand in our joy in life, the further down our roots–our foundation–grow. Think of a tree–the taller it gets, spreading its branches out to the sunshine, light and air, the further down its roots grow into the dark soil in order to balance it, give it strength, so it cannot easily topple over. So it can continue growing in glorious ways. So it can be STRONG from the inside out.

This is how I see grief. It has a place in making us the whole and wonderful beings we are when we can welcome in our sad, cherish it, give it a place of honor, allow it. It is personal, our grief. It is on our own individual time-line that we will move through it. Instead of “getting over it” it will be come a part of the fabric of our being–those dark colors in a weaving? They off-set the bright and pastel ones the rest of our weaving (our life) is made of. We need these dark colors–maybe just to appreciate the brightness of the other colors, maybe to realize and relish the times of the bright colors.

As always, I encourage PAUSE to come into play.

PAUSE in yours or another’s grief. Connect quietly. Walk alongside. Look for the gifts the grief can bring--an opportunity to show compassion. An opportunity to leave another feeling truly heard and supported. An opportunity to grow our ability to let go, trust, lead with calm connection and really hear another or hear yourself. An opportunity to accept all feelings as important–crucial, even, for living well. An opportunity for self-care, for connection, for being what Mister Rogers always talked of–a helper. A chance to PAUSE a bit and reflect and remember and let those memories lift you or your child or another.

An opportunity to be the whole, balanced, strong-from-the-inside-out beings we can be. We can push grief away, cover it up, avoid it…and it can be sure to rock our world even more the next time around. Or we can welcome it in, give it a place of honor, sit in it and trust its part in helping us be whole and wonderful beings…and find ourselves just a bit stronger, more centered, in a place from which we can reach out to another who is feeling the insurmountable grief overwhelm them.

So today, whatever your loss, PAUSE. Take care of YOU by being gentle, compassionate, patient. Allow your grief. Maybe slowly, in little bits. Be sad. Be mad. Be confused. Honor all your feelings and know, clearly, that by doing so in time you will feel the inner strength once again. You will feel steadier. Calmer. You, as the tree that grows up and out, will discover the gifts your ever-deepening roots provide. Strength and balance. Strength that is quiet; balance that is steadying. Both can shore you up just when you need it the most.

And then joy—the joy that is about the richness of ALL feelings—enters in once again…

Here’s to my friend. Here’s to any and all of us. May this fill and lift us in ways we need the most.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach