“How can we think our pre-teens and teens can handle it any better? I mean, surely we don’t think, because they can navigate the technology itself better than adults, this means they can fully manage its usage, and its effects on their psyches, their relationships, their self-worth?” (Hal Runkel, screamfree)
Okay–I’m going up on that soapbox of mine (consider yourself warned!) and I invite you to step up alongside.
How we intend for our future teens and adults to manage their world begins with our little ones. This now includes a tremendous amount of technology–and is directly influenced by OUR use of technology. What we role-model from infancy on is crucial.
It really does begin with us. So…consider this:
A baby needs a present, responsive caregiver able to tune into their nuances, rhythms, needs.
When we interact with phone in hand, we are distracted at best. What does our baby “hear”? That caring for another means choosing to be interrupted, less present, our attention divided by choice. That what they need the most to grow in a healthy way is secondary to tending to our phones, texts, Face book, tweets, snapchats, instagram, you name it.
Now baby has to work harder at getting her needs met, leading to being even more fussy, unsettled, ultimately stressed-–and this interrupts healthy growth. Not what any of us intend…nor want as it just makes our job even harder.
Know that a toddler or preschooler will copy EVERY thing you do.
As you grab your phone to talk or text while driving, or eating, or out meandering through the park with them, or bathing them, or in the midst of reading books with them they learn oh-so-much about what we deem is most important in life. That being distracted and tending to digital devices rather than being present to all the richness of the world around us, to the people we are with is how we are supposed to be in this world.
No matter how hard we try to “hide” our use (sort of like those Christmas gifts we try to sneak onto the grocery cart thinking they aren’t noticing …), they see it–clearly–and are constantly filing it away in their brains as how to live and be in this world. And as with our babies, their need for a tuned in and responsive caregiver goes unmet–and you can count on behavior to ramp up 
. And no, this soap box moment is not about never using our phones. It is about becoming intentional with our use…fully present to whatever we are doing.
Never think an elementary child will miss the fact… 
…that you are distracted by your phone when you pick them up from school tossing a “How was your day, sweetie?” over your shoulder as you text away in the front seat. And then you wonder why they ignore you, or drive you nuts trying to get your attention, or just generally act up and make the transition from school to home totally unpleasant.
OR discover, because they, too, have a device that gets them on line, how they can “interact” with all kinds of people without you even knowing they are. And then share things that would truly disappoint and even scare you. Because they can…and they don’t have the brain growth to know that they shouldn’t. Heck, what they see you do is what they think they are doing, therefore it must be okay, right?
Never think a TEEN, with a brand new drivers license…
…will decide to safely manage their phone (aka OFF or silenced and out of reach) as they navigate streets and highways just because you’ve always said what NOT to do yet rarely followed through with it yourself. Remember back when they were little and you were busily talking or texting while driving? They haven’t forgotten. Or you might find they decide that what is most important is to get lost on their screens to the point of no connection with you at all. Or take what they did as elementary students “playing around” with somewhat unhealthy on-line interactions and evolve them into what can become truly dangerous “connections.” In real time and in-person. Or the anxiety and depression that comes as teens get totally lost in all things screens to the cost of all their relationships. All very scary.
Maybe it stirs up too much anxiety for you as you consider stepping away from your phone or device.
That’s okay. Any change in our life can stir up anxiety. Taking it in small steps for short amounts of time can help. And I guarantee, over time with your commitment, you will discover things to feel oh-so-much-better.
Try it in little ways…
…commit to reading one more book to your child before answering the text you know just came in.
…try tucking your phone into your purse AND on silent while greeting your child from school or daycare.
…put your phone away as you eat lunch with your child.
…declare dinner times digital free times and slide all devices into a drawer and out of sight.
…take a paper list into the store and leave your phone in your car.
…take a real camera on your next adventure instead of using your cell phone.
…commit to finishing whatever chore or game or conversation you are in the midst of before taking a look at your phone.
That’s all. Just a few minutes at a time. What a difference it can make as you give your child your full, un-distracted attention. And then, when it is time to get back to your phone? Let your child know. And give your phone your full attention. What a way to strengthen YOUR intent on all things balanced and healthy. What a way to role-model living and relating well.
Let’s get better at managing our devices in healthy ways. You, your children, and our world deserve this.
Okay. Stepping off the soap box…thank you for listening. Hoping you’ll take action!
With respect and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam