The emotional toll of the physical effort.
Let that sink in a bit. If you’ve ever “crutched” around with an injured foot or leg, or due to recovery from surgery and the inability to use part of your body, then you know the physical effort to do ANY thing is huge.
It is the emotional toll that is so surprising. How grumpiness, depression, tears, just feeling DONE sneaks up and grabs you. How incredibly draining it can be to do just a simple task or how frustrating it can be to take so long to do something seemingly “quick.”
A lot like parenting.
What a huge physical effort–especially in the early years–parenting is. Perpetual motion on the children’s part. Constant work at keeping kids safe, houses put together, schedules maintained, relationships deposited into, negotiations attended to, lack of sleep, lack of showers, running to catch the teetering child on the edge, multi-tasking to the Nth degree as you cook, clean, re-direct, communicate, rescue, play with, wash, throw up your arms in exasperation, pry the cat’s fur out from the death grip of your child’s hands (or maybe pry the brother out from under the other brother), attempt to get to work on time and come home with some semblance of sanity in place to manage the evening that is bound to be chaotic…
Physically parenting is exhausting. And then the emotional toll hits. And climbs. And erupts. We yell. We cry. We feel like lousy parents. We put our selves down constantly with “Why can’t I…if only I…It’s all because of me…” And then the guilt…oh, the guilt!
Talk about an emotional toll. Talk about depleting ourselves even further with the negative and unproductive self-talk that takes over in our heads.
It is time for self-care.
It is time to breathe, to pause, to show yourself the care and compassion you so continually and generously give to your family. It is time to recognize the emotional toll, allow it in, and use it as the gift it can be–to take care of YOU. Or at least to think about the self-care that would feel good if you had the time! That counts, you know–just thinking about it.
It is time to recognize the negative self-talk and switch it up. Not necessarily to the positive, but definitely to the appreciative. And YES, that can be two entirely different things…because you know what? Finding the positives when you are feeling so low often feels impossible. Finding what you can appreciate–even if it is just your attempt at moving forward an iota–is always possible. And empowering.
Here’s what I learned following surgery a while back and immersed in “crutching”and realizing the emotional toll of the physical effort AND remembering how like parenting this can be:
I allowed myself to cry.
I got a bit better at letting my husband know from the get go of the day that I’m starting out sorta down and tired and done.
I gave myself grace as I actively could not switch up my self-talk…but could sit with the idea of wanting to and then wait and watch and end up appreciating what comes my way.
I got better at letting go of cleaning and cooking and all things house–allowing myself a bit more ease. And mess. That mess? It really is okay. And is rarely permanent. Really. There will be a time when a tidier house is a reality. Maybe…
I was reminded that, as I do this, the drag of the emotional toll actually lightens. I can smile. I can appreciate my husband’s sideways look at me knowing he is wondering if he has a basket case on his hands or not :-). I find I notice little things that put a twinkle in my eye or relax me a tad. Like all the birds that are actively taking over our yard, or listening to the neighbor kids tap dance on their back deck. I rediscover a sense of humor (this I know my husband is grateful for!). I reach out to friends and end up sharing and then laughing. I look forward to a certain 9-month-old I get to spend time with…even if I’m just sitting and watching him.
And I begin to feel lifted and lighter and that emotional toll? It dissipates.
You can do this, too. Even in the midst of perpetual motion, chaos, and the mess living with children can be.
Let the emotional toll be your chance to PAUSE, however briefly, and breathe, cry if necessary, acknowledge and appreciate how deeply you feel and care and actively love your family. If you can, take time to do something no matter how small or short, that feels good to YOU. Maybe you can…
…reach down and scratch you kitty or dog’s ears for a bit 🙂
…make a cup of tea using your favorite mug (if you actually get to drink it, it’s a bonus!)
…close your eyes in the car as you sit in the driveway for a moment.
…let go of dinner and pour a bowl of cereal instead.
…stand an extra minute in your hot shower just because you can (a locked bathroom door always an option…).
…plop yourself on the floor in the midst of the MESS and CHAOS and just, well, plop. Maybe stretch out a bit–and beware, for that might invite a dog pile on top of you…maybe actually making you smile a bit :-).
…decide the piles of toys and kid things spread from here to there is really just evidence of a day spent well–creating, imagining, exploring. Something you can appreciate! Now maybe, just maybe, you’ll feel a bit more energy as you gather up the mess and put things away. Or decide to leave it for tomorrow…
The emotional toll of the physical effort. It is okay. Allow it, honor it, use it to refocus on yourself. You deserve this! Let appreciation lead the way.
What a gift to your children, to all your relationships.
Take care of you today,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam