healthy brains

Tag: healthy brains

What TO Do Instead of a Screen?

June 20, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional 4 Comments

Once again, we are becoming increasingly aware of the damage screen time can have on developing brains. (World Health Organization’s strict new guidelines–read them here)

You hear it from me and many, many others. And it is very real–the delay in cognitive development, the lagging behind of language acquisition, the brain development that is displaced, delayed, discouraged, the lack of ever-so-key self regulation, of managing in healthy ways all those feelings in life.

All due to the lack of hands on, sensory and language rich,

relationship based, whole body experiences. The way young children LEARN and grow. Optimally.

You know what I’m truly concerned about? How to help each of YOU, who perhaps have come to rely on screens to distract and entertain as you, exhausted, sick, feeling like you are drowning and with no extra moment in your day what-so-ever, have relied on a screen so you can at least…

...breathe for a moment. Cook a meal. Use the bathroom by yourself. Talk with someone. Think. Sleep. Feel relieved because your child isn’t crying, screaming, hitting, driving you nuts. Drive safely. Arrive in one piece (more or less…. 🙂 ). Catch up on the overwhelming pile of laundry. Get dressed for work. DO work. Maybe even have a bit of adult conversation? With your partner?

I think about how, up until about 15 or so years ago (okay, maybe 20 or 25…), the only real screen we had to “rely” on was TV. And yet, in our family, TV was rarely used in those first few years, and pretty much limited to 30-minutes a day until in elementary school. And those 30-minutes were usually PBS shows such as Mister Rogers and Reading Rainbow. Totally awesome, by the way. Often watched WITH us rather than used for me to get something done.

And I can remember so much of what we DID do, instead of “relying” on TV, as we needed to find the time, space, relief in order to keep things going in our family. It is these I’d like to share…for I’m thinking many of you don’t have them in your repertoire because you’ve grown up with screens being the default. With so much information coming out about the detriment of screens for our young (and older!) children, how do you accomplish the seemingly impossible and only use screens minimally?

Ideas for you as you work at juggling the HARD of life:

…Try putting your upset baby or toddler into a backpack and onto your back while you cook dinner or tend to other things that need two hands. Now they are close to you, you can talk and sing a bit, offer them a snack, reach up and touch them. All the while taking care of work around the house. Connection. It can be made in many ways and it speaks volumes to your little one.

…Spend those first minutes home from work and daycare on the floor with your little one(s). Maybe shedding outdoor gear together. Maybe just staying quiet and watching them re-connect with home. Maybe stretched out on the floor with them climbing on you. Or reading a book together or staying out in the yard for some fresh air before you even head into the house.

Those minutes? Fully present to your little one? It answers their need for your connection during this transition. It buys YOU time afterwords, for they will more likely be calmer and engaged with helping you or exploring their books and toys. When they can count on a fully present parent helping them, first and foremost, with their transition home after a long day, those transitions become smoother. And THIS can give you the time you need.

…Have healthy snacks in the car for pick up after daycare and en-route home. That way your little one won’t be so hungry and at the end of their rope upon arrival at home. We always had apples, raisins, cheese, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, yogurt…something easy to eat while tucked in a car seat. Yes, it can leave mess behind. Yet what a small price to pay that made our transition home go so much more smoothly. Now hunger wasn’t a part of it all AND what they ate was good for them, so I was less concerned about “ruining dinner.”

…Trying desperately to wrap up some work? A call? An email? Again, start with a moment of real connection. Sometimes just a few minutes of your full attention, asking your little one what they need, engaging with them is all it takes to give you the space you need to wrap up your work. And if they still are upset and you KNOW their physical needs have been met? Then let them know you hear them, they can stay near (maybe up in that backpack on your back!), and when you finish, you will tend to them once again. And then you do. Always keep your promises.

…In the car stuck in traffic or on a longer road trip? Oh the simple games to engage them with! What is seen out the window, in the sky; what they can anticipate at the NEXT stop sign, if they can see-see-see the scoop shovel dig-dig-digging. A snack to eat, a song to sing, books to look at. Play music! Or…just be quiet and let your child be upset as you breathe breathe breathe.

…Get creative with play–Let your toddler have a bowl, spoon, flour, and a bit of water to mix. Or maybe a few cheerios and water. It really doesn’t take much to provide your child with something they often find ever-so-captivating. At least for a moment or two. Sometimes up at the counter next to you with these same items or a squishy sponge or even just a cup of their own to drink is the connection they need while you tend to your responsibilities next to them.

We liked to fill a saucepan with a few kitchen items–measuring spoons and cups for instance–then on went the lid, down we plunked it in the middle of the kitchen floor and then I could turn back to tending the dinner.

Sometimes all we did was turn on a flashlight and hand it to our toddler or preschooler.Or a magnifying glass–that really got their attention as they focused on making things look BIG 🙂

Putting a blanket over the table or a pair of chairs and hiding a favorite stuffed toy and a few books underneath caught my daughters’ attention immediately. As did lining up a few of their toy animals in a parade underneath that blanket.

A doll with a washcloth and a small tub with a tiny bit of water in it (a TINY bit if you want the mess to be minimal) has many young toddlers fascinated.

Have play dough available. Ever so soothing. Squish and poke and roll right up at the counter with you or settled in a high-chair or kitchen table.

A favorite for many is putting music on–what you can sing to, soothing if necessary, or to bop around the house getting things done. Or try an audio book for your child to tune into…and for you to talk about, too, as you move about the house.

Have paper and markers or crayons ready to roll. Or a collection of paper bags for them to scrunch, fill, dump, roll, wear. Scotch tape is a fun addition!

All of this? It requires a few things from you.

Letting go of various stages of MESS (or getting extra amazing at choosing things that leave no mess!). Simplifying meals. Being okay in Big Feelings. Being tired and knowing it really is temporary. Maybe a long temporary, and still temporary . It requires you to trust yourself, your child, the chaos for what it is–just chaos. It asks you to take MANY deep breaths. Many.

The cool thing? With your attempts to minimize screens, you will discover it can get easier. Easier because your children are more in charge of themselves, tapping into their creativity and imagination, feeling in connection with YOU, learning and growing and managing all their feelings in healthy and productive ways. And as our kids grow these abilities, our job actually gets easier because they become increasingly independent in amazing and necessary ways. Our children are growing well.

Then when all bets are off, exhaustion is too over the top, life is absolutely insane…a screen is okay.

Now using a screen is a treat, limited, useful, and no longer displacing all the hands-on, sensory and language rich, relationship based, whole body experiences our children need in order to grow well.

I hope you will share right here what works in your family to manage through the chaos without relying on a screen. Share your successes, your attempts, anything that you’ve done to minimize screens and maximize GROWTH. A valuable resource for you is the Children’s ScreenTime Network. And find even more ideas here: MORE of What TO Do Instead of a Screen.

Sometimes it is the littlest thing that can make the biggest difference for a parent.

With appreciation and JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Babies and Toddlers: Scientists Extraordinaire

May 9, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, School and education, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

“Do we want our toddlers to learn how to use simple math and language symbols, or do we want them to truly understand mathematical concepts, develop their higher learning skills, be deep thinkers and creative problem solvers…

Any time we interrupt what an infant or toddler might be working on to “teach” him, we discourage focus and attention span. Attempting to plant seeds of knowledge in our babies inadvertently plants seeds of doubt. How can our child believe that the activities he chooses are valuable, when we signal that we want him to do something more…or different?” (How To Help Your Baby Become A Math Genius (Or Not), Janet Lansbury)

I truly appreciate Janet Lansbury‘s work. This one being the most recent I’ve immersed myself in. What stands out to me is the difference between “using a skill” and “UNDERSTANDING a concept.”

I remember when we paused with our second daughter–considering putting her Kindergarten at age 6, rather than as a brand new 5 (her birthday fell right at the school district’s cut-off date for entering Kindergarten.) With my husband being an elementary teacher, and me being an early child development professional, we both knew in our gut that waiting might be best. Yet we still explored…

And what our elder daughter’s Kindergarten teacher said was something to the effect of second (and third and on) children tend to SEEM ready “earlier” due to being exposed to their older sibling’s experiences. So they often knew how to USE a skill–they’ve watched and copied and been immersed in their older sibling’s experiences. But their understanding and the necessary deeper comprehension wasn’t there yet. They could recite numbers and letters, for instance, but were less likely to KNOW what those numbers and letters truly represented and meant.

It was this that gave us the go-ahead to PAUSE and give our younger daughter the time SHE needed to explore her world at her own pace.

Math. Oh there is so MUCH our little ones are learning and absorbing just as Janet speaks of! All on their own as they test, explore, touch, taste…and what an added bonus when, as we head up the stairs with them, we find ourselves counting each step. Or describing just what size portion they are getting–“I cut you 3 apple slices! One. Two. THREE!” Noticing out loud how they dumped ALL the blocks out of the box and are now plunking in 1, 2, 3, 4, 5…

When we step back and let them work those puzzle pieces in they are learning all about shape, geometry, size. When we give them a cup or two in the bath tub and they practice pouring and dumping and filling they are learning all about quantity and physics and more.

The smooshed peas added to their oatmeal? Chemistry at its best!

A ball rolling rolling rolling…and then rolling back and forth with you? Kinesthetics. Physics.

Baby studying the wheel on a toy…and discovering how to make it go round and round? Physics!

Block building? Oh so much! Numbers. Quantity. Balance. Cause and effect. Gravity! Physics, math, science science science.

The more we can respect PLAY–aka exploration, discovery, trial and error, problem solving–the more we are supporting our little one’s optimal growth. How cool is that?

Babies and toddlers and preschoolers are Scientists Extraordinaire. We just have to get out of their way and quietly observe. Engage appropriately by naming and describing what they are experiencing. Provide a rich and varied environment (and this doesn’t need to be bought toys!) Think paper bags. Boxes. Scarves. Kleenex boxes with various lids tucked inside. Spoons! Pots and pans…oh so much just around the house that adds to that rich and varied environment.

I so appreciate Janet’s work. Here’s a piece from me that may delight you “Important Ways To Play Toddler Style.”

Enjoy your day today! Let it be the brain building one for your child it can so easily be .

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Digital Wellness in an Era of Distraction

April 11, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

Digital Wellness. Essential for parenting and living well. Heads up–a bit of snarky voice (initially) to follow…I hope you’ll stay with me…:

Not a big deal, right? I mean, you still glance up from your phone and smile and say, “Good job!” as your child seeks your attention as they work at something difficult or fun.

And hey, Baby is nursing away–seems like a good time to check your texts and scroll through your Facebook account. Baby is suckling away and you DO nuzzle that adorable chubby hand that finds its way up to your face.

Getting caught up in general on your phone while giving your kids the opportunity to roar around at the park makes sense, too, right? I mean, hey–they really don’t NEED you…

And isn’t it incredibly awesome how your 9-month-old knows just how to swipe your cell’s screen to change pictures?! Boy, he already knows how to work with technology!

Oh! And the App says, “Promotes Creativity in Children.” Perfect. Creativity, we all know, is essential for healthy brains. On the iPad your little one goes to manipulate pictures, watch, swipe, choose from pretty icons, squeal as it flashes “Good job! You did it right!” Or some such approval.

Okay. YES. I’m being a bit snarky. I apologize for the snarky. Every single one of the above examples we have all experienced/done in one way or another. Often, probably. Myself, included–not so much when I was a young mother since we didn’t have these devices, and definitely more so in recent years. And we do the above more so now because devices have become increasingly essential for so much of the work we do and life we live. AND…I stand by what I’m going to say next. Fully.

Our attention to our devices and the times

our young children are “on” them is displacing, interfering,

and interrupting absolutely essential mental, physical,

and emotional development.

They are undermining real and foundational learning that can translate to a child through the years having increased difficulty in school, with friends, with you, with life.

Parenting can get more difficult, you can feel greater anxiety, and yes–there is a higher likelihood for your child to experience emotional crises come teen years. Look at the research. Anxiety, depression, and suicide have rocketed up these recent years for our teens. Scary, I know.

Stay with me here.

Screen use is bypassing CRITICAL social emotional

experiences that allow a child to grow that inner resilience KEY for healthy relating and living. THIS is what translates to later problems that have become nearly insurmountable.

I know this sounds both scary and perhaps maddening–you already work so hard at parenting well! I ultimately want to empower you for that is what will really start making the positive difference necessary. To empower you to become increasingly Tech Intentional so digital wellness thrives in your family.

Your Baby happily nursing while your eyes are on your phone? Baby is learning little about the natural give and take of facial expressions–truly early “conversation.” And this lovely give and take that I KNOW you are familiar with–those times you gaze at that busily nursing baby, their eyes flick open and catch your eyes. You pause. They pause. A milky smile spreads across their face. Their hand reaches up to touch your face. You continue to gaze and twinkle and talk softly–those times?

They are ESSENTIAL.

This is how a baby starts growing that strong foundation for the future. For giving them the emotional resilience and understanding necessary to navigate all ups and downs in life. For all things RELATIONSHIP. For feeling wonderfully safe and secure and able to explore their world, your face, your variety of expressions and begin to process them.

Without this connection? When it is regularly displaced by attention to a phone? It builds at best a shaky foundation from which your then older baby and young child cannot process what they need in order to understand their world. Because it is on top of a foundation weakened from too little practice with all things essential for young children.

Life is already difficult. Adding this layer of distraction makes it overwhelmingly difficult.

Your 5-year-old totally immersed in markers and paper who then pauses to show you or comment about something on his paper and you are focused on your phone…look up and say a random “good job!”? You are communicating–unintentionally–disconnect. Your child? He is learning only that his work is either “right” because you said, “good job!” or that his work isn’t important because you totally missed the boat with “good job!”

Instead, with your presence–even as you perhaps clean up the dishes while he is working with markers and paper–your ability to really hear what he says, or recognize (because you are tuned in as you bustle around the kitchen, unlike our brains on a phone–less able to tune in to those deeper needs) that he is frustrated or hopeful or expressing real MAD as he draws…

…now you actually respond in a way that makes

sense to your son. In a way that says, “I see. I understand. I’m

curious. You are safe. Your work is important.” Because now

you are saying directly to him, “I HEAR you.”

And you really do.

That time at the park? It can be a wonderful time to actually connect with other parents. Or not and find time to just think your own thoughts. Our brains do well with this AND stay tuned in and aware of our kids periodically looking our way for understanding, bolstering, comfort. And they do–often–look our way. Being tuned into that speaks volumes to a child. Volumes. It is how they continue to strengthen their inner selves, their emotional resilience. And it strengthens our relationships with our children.

That App that “Promotes Creativity?” Again–screen time does NOT fire away the neurons in the brain in the rich and necessary way for healthy growth. What does? Hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship based exploration. Exploration that allows them to use their OWN ideas. Not the movie Frozen’s idea. Not Star Wars ideas. No. Their OWN. To process, think, mull over, practice, decide for themselves just what their play is going to express and look like.

THIS builds creativity. THIS builds self-direction and

self-awareness. This builds the emotional resilience necessary to manage just about everything in life.

Baby knowing just how to swipe the screen? Entertaining for us and that is all it is. Confusing for a baby who is trying to understand their world and that understanding? It comes from give and take with real objects in real time. Always.

This is the bottom line–

The more we reactively use screens, the more we are distracting, displacing, interrupting healthy development.

Start TODAY in choosing otherwise for your child. Start TODAY to be intentional with your use.

Pause before you hand them a screen to-WHEW-give you a break. Pause…and consider if you are able to handle their big upset knowing you are doing them a favor by sitting in it with them rather than distracting them with a screen.

Put your phone away as much as possible while you are at the park. Even just for a bit of the time can make a real and positive difference. (Sometimes getting caught up on messages now is important for our focused time with our children later.) Watch your children play. See what you notice. Learn a bit more about who they are as they tackle difficult climbing toys or negotiate with other children. Be available to exchange smiles, waves, “I see you’s!”

Give your Baby your full presence while nursing or bottle feeding. Let your gaze linger no matter where their gaze is. For when you stay focused on them it means you will fully engage when they open their beautiful eyes to find you. What a way to nurture a deep bond with your little one!

Pull out the play-dough, the books, the little toy animals. Put away the iPad with the “creative app.” Pretty awesome what can unfold as your child gets lost in their own imagination…

Busy yourself in the kitchen or doing laundry or weeding or other hands-on chore while your child immerses herself in art or Lego or play. This way you CAN be tuned in and aware. And when you need to be on your device? Let your child know to expect this and that when you are done, you will check back in with them. What a difference this can make!

Try it today. Work on YOUR use of your devices. Focus on what digital wellness can look like in your family by starting with yourself and how your intention to bring real balance in can impact the health and well-being of yourself and your children.

.

Know as you tip the balance towards less distraction you are depositing in increasingly rich and necessary ways into your child, their brains, their future, your family life.

Tip the balance. Start today. Bolster YOUR self. Ask for help. Talk to friends. Create ways for YOU to be successful as you work at lessening your screen use and becoming more intentional with it so you can parent well, successfully, with greater confidence, presence, and all things relationship-building. Let Digital Wellness be the focus in your family.

You may find this clip from the Children’s Screen Time Action Network to be helpful: Young Children and Technology: Risks and Hopes

Thank you for listening. Let me know how I can help YOU.

I care.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Our Babies and Our Attention

March 14, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional 2 Comments

“Without secure attachment, a baby can grow up more anxious and less durable in the long run. Without the opportunity to closely study a caregiver’s mouth and expressions, language development can lag. A child could miss out on learning the vital skill (for survival in life and in business) of learning to read faces.

Research is beginning to indicate that if the view of a caregiver’s face is blocked by a device or if a very young child is left to spend too much time in a 2-D screen environment, the trajectory of brain development can be altered, as in the newly-discovered syndrome seen in toddlers, Virtual Autism.” (Jenifer Joy Madden, “Parents Didn’t Need to Think Much About Attachment Until Now”)

Alice’s thoughts:

Continual Partial Attention–this is what can unfold as a result of our use of our devices and it is of great concern.

Think about our babies. We take care to think about how we’ll set up our little one’s sleep space, what kind of diapering experience we want, when we’ll start solid foods, how to childproof our homes, what kind of carseat we want.

We take care to choose a pediatrician we like, to have the right clothing available for our little one, to sign up for childbirth classes and lactation specialists, and find the right pacifiers, bottles, formula.

And we certainly care about–deeply–our attachment and bond with our baby. We know how key this is for healthy growth and development. And it is. Our baby’s attachment to us is her foundation for everything healthy from here on out. Everything.

And it is technology and our digital devices, in the quest for easier/faster/better, that can be a serious roadblock for All Things Healthy for Baby (and beyond…).

Something now required and often forgotten is taking care with the media environment we set up and live within so it can best support the growth of our Baby (and all our children). We need to think about our use and our baby’s exposure, the habits we form or continue to have with our digital devices. We need to be aware and clear. We need to be proactive. We need to have a media plan in place, just like we have diapers, bottles, pediatrician, carseat, clothing in place. We need to be ridiculously intentional.

Why?

Technoference–one name for the continual partial attention as a result of our devices. It is interrupting our baby’s ability to develop a healthy and necessary attachment to us. Something none of us ever intend. When we have our phone in hand as we tend to our little ones, it vies for our attention and often “wins.” We glance, we scroll, we check for updates, we text, we post. It can seem relatively harmless and yet it isn’t. Our babies need our full and responsive attention. Read more about that here: The Cost of Smart Phones…

When we use a screen to occupy Baby we are displacing just what they need the most–hands on, sensory and language rich, whole body, relationship based experiences. That 2 dimensional screen? It does little to nothing for building all those neural networks in their brains…and it undermines the healthy growth we intend for our little one, ultimately making our job harder, our relationships more challenging. I know I’ve written plenty on this

Our undistracted, respectful attention is essential for developing the kind of bond our babies need to grow well. A responsive, tuned-in-to-baby’s-rhythm caregiver attends to Baby in just the ways Baby needs. Now Baby’s needs can be answered in a timely and more accurate way, Baby gets the essential practice at facial expressions, hears increasingly rich and pertinent-to-them language, grows their awareness and understanding of feelings–ours and their own. Key for later learning to manage all those rather volcanic feelings (think 4-year-old!).

This is the foundation for trust, emotional regulation, a healthy brain that is full of all those essential connections. For imagination and creativity. For problem solving and their own focused attention. And these are the foundation for successful learning all through life.

**Find PAUSE and all of Alice’s books here!**

Today, tomorrow, and on–PAUSE. Think with care about the media environment your little one is growing within or being born into. Be intentional with how you address it, change it, change what you do. Our little ones deserve our best and need it so they can be their best. What a gift to all our children. What a gift to ourselves as we experience the closeness and connection with our child that has all of us better able to thrive.

Respectfully and hopefully,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Books, Books, and More Books!

March 7, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, School and education, Story Time! Comment

This photo ALWAYS makes me happy. I like sharing it with all of you once again…(thank you to Best Beginnings and Anchorage Imagination Library)

Books, books, and more books. Reading with my girls oh-so-many years ago STILL brings me smiles, warm memories, reflection on favorite stories…(and the delicious anticipation of memories to be made as I read with a certain Mr. Nearly Three in the next few days…and those future grandchildren…)

I’m remembering…

...the piles of books on the couch and floor and shelves…remembering me falling asleep as I read out-loud: “MOM. WAKE UP. That’s NOT how the story goes…!”…

...how my young toddlers would pull to standing next to their book shelf and take the books off–plunk plunk plunk–one at a time to drop on the floor.

Then down their little chubby legs and body would go, nestled in amongst all their books, and one by one they’d pick up the books, turn the pages, talk to themselves…oh, how did I ever get anything done as I watched with delight their total immerse-ment in all things BOOK!

...how one of my young toddlers chose to always pile her books into a small box…then climb on in…and sit there, reading and reading and reading, diligently placing each book into another pile beside her as she finished. Here was my opportunity to “get something done” and yet…I’d watch her. It filled me up to watch those little hands working on the pages, the furrowed brow at times, the pointing finger and delight she’d express…how she talked to herself…

And my other young toddler how, after each book was absorbed, “read” and studied with great intent, off she’d toss it to her side until she looked much like the photo I’ve shared!

Oh yes, and how, no matter the upset, the mad, the craziness, if we just PAUSED and chose to read, everything would calm down. Really. Everything.

Reading connected us, delighted us, had us lost in our imaginations and conversation. Seeing my girls’ eyes light up as we dove into stories…watching how they so carefully learned to turn paper pages…enjoying how they, too, liked to lean down and smell the book 🙂.

And now? As twenty-somethings? They both put reading as a priority. REAL books. Audio books. Old books new books hardcover paperback children’s adults young adults. No matter. BOOKS. One taps into her 8-year-old buddy’s love of science and finds way-cool books for the two of them to explore, do experiments together, study. My other daughter gets lost in book stores tracking down favorite stories from her childhood to then read–sometimes via Skype, sometimes with a warm and real lap available–with her nearly-three-year-old Godson. How cool is that? All the reading you do NOW ripples out to deposit soundly into relationships later.

BOOKS. Go read today. WITH your child. NEXT to your child. Staying quiet as they get lost in their own book. Know that by doing so you are depositing into the growth of a healthy brain. You are depositing into the growth of a close, connected, lovely relationship. You are tapping into imagination and attention and all things crucial for learning all through life.

Another favorite BOOK post for you: Real Books, Real Learning

Go read today! Make it one of your top priorities…what a gift to all.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Some of What I See

November 8, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated Comment

You know what warmed my heart of recent?

The young toddler run-run-running in toddler style down a wooden walkway in a local park. Arms pumping, knees high, and the BIGGEST grin on her face. The other cool thing? How her parents quietly followed along, their long strides matching the run run running of their toddler. Quietly. Respectfully. Giving their little one time to just BE.Lovely.

A certain 4.5 year-old in my life who asked his Mama to ask me if I could join them at the library. They were already there, immersed in all things BOOKS and it was me he thought of–an invitation hard to beat.

The small group of grandparents, parents, and school-aged kids at a local marsh, binoculars in hand, finding the bald eagle w-a-y out on a tree, studying moose remains a bit nearer, identifying arctic terns and swallows, and blue-winged teal ducks. Identifying because the kids have been shown, asked questions, given binoculars to learn to use. Bird book alongside. What a way to deposit into a healthy brain! Hands on, language and sensory rich, whole body, relationship-based learning.

A certain 10-year-old in my life who was eager to join in on his mother’s and my walk on a bike trail. Up he hopped on his bike, helmet in place, and then carefully and steadily stayed right beside us. No need to dash ahead, for he said he wanted to be next to us to talk. And talk he did 🙂 And when we were all back at his house enjoying tea? He said, “That was fun! I’m glad I went with you.” Cool, hmmmm?

Watching two favorite little boys–toddler and preschooler–roast hot dogs over our campfire one night. The concentration, the careful holding of the long metal stick, the adjustments to move A-W-A-Y from the smoke. The rather loud reluctance over letting go of the rather charred hot dog…until a slice of melon was offered up to roast, instead 🙂 All of it done with watchful eyes, space for both to manage the roasting all by themselves. And THEN there were the marshmallows…

That certain 10-year-old once again in my life who shared, as we sipped tea together, how much he loves to visit his Great Grandma. Why, I asked? “Because she is fun, shares jokes, and I love her stories,” he said. Now THAT is awesome.

My heart has been warmed and really, all it takes is pausing to notice and appreciate, to listen and maybe ask a question or two. Today, take time to look around and watch a bit. Catch that moment of a young toddler squatting close to a flower to study a bug. Watch for the GLEE as children play freely. Join in alongside your child to actively learn about something. Appreciate in little and big ways all through your days…it can begin to work magic in an otherwise hectic, stressful, or overwhelmed day.

Really!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Let’s (Not) Ask Google

October 6, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology, Story Time! Comment

I wrote this piece after viewing a television commercial of a father and child poring over a book together. The commercial was promoting the use of technology to create/enhance a warm and meaningful connection for the parent and child. Yet I believe using technology in this way takes away much more than it gives:

Child: “Daddy, how big is a blue whale?”

Dad: “I’m not sure. Let’s ask Google—how big is a blue whale?”

Google: “A blue whale is….”

Child: “Daddy, what do whales sound like?”

Dad: “I don’t know. Google, what does a whale sound like?”

Google: “Blue whales have many sounds…”

Child: “Do whales sleep?”

Dad: “Google...” (As heard and interpreted from a commercial)

You know, it is pretty fun, being able to “ask Google” or Alexis or “whomever” your technology offers up. It’s fun, even enlightening at times, finding out these answers. It can create more conversation and enjoyment in the moment. Certainly it can bring people together as they enjoy trying out this technology and even using it to expand their knowledge and maybe then using this knowledge to understand and explore even further.

And yet…here’s the deal…

When our go-to is to just get the answer,

ESPECIALLY when doing so with a child, there is so much being

missed and displaced.

Just think–as you quickly look to the fast and “right” answer, there is less conversation, less musing, less curiosity encouraged. Imagination is limited, real and lengthy problem solving challenged. There is less need for a stronger attention span, a desire to understand beyond the answer; and less opportunity to truly CONNECT.

Let’s save those quick answers as much as possible when we are exploring/reading/talking with our child. Instead, let’s:

Ask our child, “I wonder…how big do YOU suppose a blue whale is?” “Maybe as big as…a mouse? A house?” Giggles and eye-twinkles. Maybe you ask, “Can you show me how BIG a whale might be??” And down onto the floor your child goes, s-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g arms and legs out as far as can be…”WOW. Now THAT is big. I bet you ARE a whale!”

Muse, “I think a whale might sound like…a DOG!” “Noooo, daddy…whales don’t sound like a DOG. I think they sound like…” And on you go back and forth, conversing, sharing, imagining, laughing, connecting. Maybe pretending to be many different animals and the play extends way beyond whales…

Be curious, “You know, I always wondered if they sleep…how do you suppose we can find out?” “Ummm…go find a whale and ask?” “Oooh…where can we find a whale?” “I know! Under my bed!” And off you two go to look under the bed, talk to the pretend whale, both snuggle and imagine you are a pair of whales taking a snooze…

Foster creativity and imagination–to let go of the “right” answer and go with creative ones that take you down a much richer, more colorful road to discovery.

Immerse your child in hands-on , sensory and language rich, relationship-based learning—use our bodies and minds and imagination to come up with what WE think. Our child’s ideas encouraged, honored, enjoyed. Such confidence in our child’s ability to learn that is communicated!

Practice problem solving—the kind that has your child digging into other resources, asking more questions, growing their competent and capable self–all so key for all things learning through life. Problem solving that takes patience, curiosity, time…the kind that strengthens us from the inside-out.

And then there is CONNECTION—true, meaningful, lovely, wonder-filled, light-hearted, curious connection. One filled with conversation and discovery. One that speaks of confidence in your child’s ability to learn…to figure things out…to ask questions and know they will be listened to. Connection that says “Your ideas are important! You can count on me to join alongside you as we work to discover together. Taking time to explore is fun! Look at all we can do together as we figure out answers…” What a way to deposit into a healthy relationship.

So leave Google and Alexis for the occasional quick answer. Let that be fun now and again. And instead–deposit richly into your child by letting their questions lead you both down a path of exploration and discovery that truly grows a healthy brain and amazing relationship. You and your child are worth the extra time this takes.

This extra time? It is what

rich and meaningful relationships are made of.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

A Delightful Moment

September 13, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

A delightful moment. Delightful for it was shared–shared with a parent who ended up nearly in tears.

A long outdoor line at a local farmer’s market. A mama, an 18-month-old toddler, a grandma. And me. In line behind them, doing what I love to do–watch and delight in all-things-toddler, and appreciate–the mama, who in this very public place kept her focus and attention exactly where it needed to be.

Toddler? Marching, eye-twinkling, taking in everything all around him:

“Brokli! Hat,” as he watched a gentleman go by carrying a head of broccoli and wearing a hat.

“More? Brokli!!” And his little feet just kept a-moving, dancing around mama, moving away from the line…

Mama? “That gentleman has broccoli. He’s wearing a hat!” I loved her reflection back to her little one of exactly what he noticed and in full language that is so SO key for his ever-expanding repertoire of words, his ever-growing comprehension.

Those dancing little feet wanting so much to MOVE? Mama appreciated this and said, “Do you want to take Grandma and walk around a bit?” Oh YES his twinkly eyes responded…and his marching feet stepped fully away from the line, his eyes taking in all the vendors, all the broccoli and carrots and glorious vegies…grandma in tow.

And then immediately he circled back around looking for his Mama…who was watching him–fully present and available. His eyes literally danced with joy as he reconnected, visually first, and ran as only toddlers can run right back to her in line.

Mama? “Would you like to go pick out our broccoli?” Oh, how this lit up his eyes further as he eyed the pile of vegies they were nearing. Off he stepped toward the broccoli…then zip! Right back to mama, “Brokli! Hat!”

Mama, “You remember the gentleman who was carrying his broccoli and wearing a hat!”

And on and on they went, this little guy happily moving his little feet the entire time–dancing a bit away from the line, returning all on his own. I so appreciated his mama quietly observing him, talking to him about what he was interested in while also keeping him focused on why they were there. Nary a “No.” Nary a “Stay with me.” Nary a “Don’t touch!” Nope. Just present, engaged, and talking about what he was doing, seeing, and COULD do. What a way to grow his capable, in-charge-of-himself self.

And I said something. I told this mama how much I enjoyed watching her little guy. I told her how much I appreciated her presence and engagement. That all that she was doing and saying was growing his brain in exponential ways; their relationship in lovely ways; his ever-expanding independence in just right ways.

And she started to tear up. “Wow. Thank you. I often wonder if I’m doing things “right.” We just don’t hear when we are doing things well…thank you for letting me know.”

We smiled with our eyes (yes, masks were on in this crowded public place), sharing mutual JOY and delight and eye-twinkles over this lovely moment.

Today, take time to pause, observe, and appreciate another. Whether it is a time of delight or a time of struggle. When we pause to notice and appreciate, hearts are warmed, spirits lifted, JOY shared.

What a way to help our world.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

The Magic of a Baby’s Smile

August 24, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

Oh, the magic of witnessing a baby, searching their field of vision and catching the eye of their special person .

Watching the warmth of simply the most beautiful smile slowly spread across their face…lighting up their eyes, spreading to their fingers and toes…

The delight! I had this moment today. Out walking and coming upon a daddy, his friend, and his 2.5-month-old son tucked into his stroller. We all paused…for of course I had to take a peek and enjoy!

I so appreciated how they were outdoors enjoying the gentle breeze, the forest around them, the clouds flitting across the sky–and that Baby wasn’t being interrupted by toys dangling down in his face.

Nope. Just freedom to study all that was above him. And study he did! And then the magic…he found his daddy and the smile that spread and lit up his face AND his dad’s face was truly a joy to see.

The really cool thing? What this was doing for both Baby and Daddy. Full presence in that moment. So much to study. The calm of nature. A Daddy who responded to his son’s eye-catching moment! He wasn’t on a phone, he wasn’t in a hurry, he was there. In the moment. Taking off his sunglasses and returning a warm and gentle smile right back.

Truly, I get tingles when I see this, think about it, write it for you. In our hurried lives, we can so easily miss these moments. And they are essential moments, for they strengthen the bond that is key for growing well. They provide the give and take of “conversation” even without the words. They have a baby’s brain lighting up with neural connections!

Just a little moment. Our days are filled with them. The more we can be present to them, the richer our relationships (and therefore our lives) become.

Pause today. Be present. Witness these moments. And notice how full your heart can feel.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Ready for Kindergarten!

August 3, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, School and education, Social Emotional Comment

Have a Five or Almost Five Year Old? Or a Will Be Just Six in the Fall?

Here’s what a Ready For Kindergarten child “looks” like:

Confident. Persistent. Cooperative. Collaborative. Empathetic. Self Controlled. Problem Solver. Creative. Communicative. Curious.

And here is what it takes to GET a little one ready for school–to have that solid SOLID foundation from which all else grows:

Playing, talking, singing, and reading together

with a fully present adult.

(Thank you to Best Beginnings for the pictures that made this photo and for all the work you do to help children and families!)

And I’ll add a few other things for that foundation upon which all else can flourish:

A parent who is intent on growing themselves to be better, stronger within, more confident and clear, able to be calm and comfortable in whatever their child throws at them (OR, acting-as-if they are as they work at strengthening just this!)…PAUSE. It really makes a relationship-building difference.

A parent who takes responsibility FOR the kind of physical and emotional environment their child grows in. And works at keeping it healthy all through the years.

A parent who takes responsibility FOR understanding child development, reaching out for help, discovering resources and all other support, knowledge, encouragement available–and then uses it.

A parent who takes responsibility FOR how they decide to think, feel, and act no matter how their child decides to do the same. And hopefully decides to do so from a respectful, kind place. Relationship-building all the way. More on this can be found here.

And now a child–with wonderful talking, singing, playing,

and reading with their special and present adult and an adult

who grows their calm, consistent, confident, responsible TO

their child selves–can more likely flourish.

And BE ready for Kindergarten and all things SCHOOL. Sometimes at age 5. Sometimes at age 6.

Check out Best Beginnings –lots of fantastic resources for parents no matter where you live.

Let the learning begin.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Connection vs Disconnection

June 13, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

What time do you value with your child enough that you are unwilling to be interrupted by your phone?

I asked this of my husband the other day…in terms of me, not our children. I asked, because, unwittingly, he had it in his pocket and on (and due to being hard of hearing, it is on LOUD) while we were out strolling in a bird refuge. A date. Chatting with a couple we’d just met doing something similar. His cell rang, interrupting our new-found connection with the other couple; disrupting the focus of our time together–birds and wildlife and all the conversation surrounding this.

It frustrated me. You’ll be proud, though–I paused. Actually, I just walked away fuming, but still–that’s a pause. I thought about it…it took time, for I was upset, but time I had for I had left my spouse talking on the phone he answered while I disappeared down the trail. I fumed through the “How COULD he? We finally had time together…” “He KNOWS better.” “Why couldn’t he just let it go to message???” And on and on.

I processed through the upset, thanks to the space of a PAUSE.

And I came to a more settled place, a calmer place–and focused less on him and more on myself. Yes, I was hurt and discouraged. But what is it I really wanted? What is it I truly enjoy about my time with him? What fills my bucket, has me feeling connected and loved and valued? When do we have the most fun together?

THIS brought me to my question. What time do you value with your child, spouse, friend enough that you are unwilling to be interrupted by your phone?

It is an important question.

Especially as I see parents fully embracing this digital life style and answering or checking their cells no matter where they are or what they are doing with their children. At the zoo. In the store. At the library. During piano recitals. In the car. Waiting at the doctor’s office. When juggling groceries, child, checker, payment.

Remember when (if you are old enough to remember!) we could go off to these places knowing any phone call would be on our message machine back at home–and we could tend to them then?No need to focus on all the myriad of other things in life when we were off with our children doing appointments, errands, adventures. Those other things would be waiting for us upon our return. There was enough to focus on just doing the things we were doing.

Life felt calmer, actually. Even with the million errands.

It seems inconsequential lots of times, this answering of our cell.

We’ve set our lives up to often need to answer and check and text whenever the ‘ping’ comes in, so it can be rather foreign to consider NOT doing so. But I’d like you to consider this–what message is it giving to whomever you are with and most especially your children when the phone’s disruption is allowed as just something normal and accepted, and tending to it is something we just automatically do?

I believe it sends a message of “What we are doing together isn’t as important as what’s on my phone.” “It’s okay to be constantly distracted…that’s what relating looks like.” “I’m too busy tending to my crazy life to take this time just with you…” “The phone rules…” “You aren’t valued enough to give my full presence to.”

I believe it sends a message of disrespect. Subtle, often, but there. And for children? This permeates all they do and think and feel…and then we wonder why they don’t act respectful, listen to us, stay focused on something, cooperate…

And think about this–what are you now missing when you allow your attention to be drawn from the child you are with to whatever comes through on your phone?

I’ve seen lots of little things missed…

…The wide-eyed surprise of a child as they watch a critter at the zoo and the glance to the adult to (hopefully) share this moment. And it is lost…

…The frustrated toddler trying to manage something, and the parent missing the boat entirely due to the phone–and it ending up in World War III…because children just know when we really aren’t paying attention and they know just how to get our attention

…The way a child straightens themselves up, settles into the piano bench, glances into the audience looking for the comforting and encouraging smile from a parent…and the parent is looking down at their phone.

…The comfort a child takes in holding hands as they approach something cautiously…and the hand drops away to use the phone and the child shrinks into mom or dad…while the parent absentmindedly pats them on the back, missing the emotional and physical work of their child.

…The totally delightful play between two siblings who are dashing ahead of parents down a trail. Their funny exchanges…and then their screeching to a stop to turn around and bounce their funny right off of mom or dad…but mom or dad, they are busy on their phone.

…The intense absorption of a child in a project that you are a part of because he had drug you by the hand to come watch…a good time, one might say, to check the phone–your child is absorbed. And then, when the child looks up–whether to ask for help or show something or just needing to KNOW mom or dad are still there, watching with care–they see a parent focused on a phone.

Just a few of the little things I’ve noticed that get missed.

Now a child feels disconnected, a bit at a loss, and sometimes

this often leads right to misbehavior.

They at times try even harder to engage the parent–and end up having to “catch a parent up” with what the parent had missed. Or they just fall apart. Because it is connection–honest, present connection that matters to them. Or maybe continue on with whatever it was they were doing without seeming to care. But they do.

Because these little things? They add up. Hugely.

When tended to, they make our relationships closer, more connected, filled with joy. They show us things about our children that we need to know. They allow us to go deeper in our understanding of just why our child is melting down or feeling oh-so-proud. They give us the opportunity to really KNOW our children just a little bit more. They can be what makes or breaks a moment–or an entire day–behavior wise. They are what can create the memories you relish and delight in and can feel proud about. And now you feel closer, more connected, experiencing more joy. How cool is that?

What can you do, today, to show your child you

value your time with them enough that you are unwilling to be interrupted by your phone?

Can you silence it and tuck it away, knowing you have time to tend to it in half an hour?

Can you practice leaving it in the car or at home occasionally?

Can you treat it more like a home phone and give it its place in the world–at least time wise–rather than letting it become a way of life that can undermine just the kind of relationships you intend to grow?

Just think what your child could “hear” when you say, “Let me put my phone away so I can give you and our time together my full attention.” And then you do.

I hope so. I really do. I am grateful to the increased awareness of the impact–both negative and positive–our technology driven lifestyles can have on our emotional and physical well-being. On our relationships. On our children. Our awareness is growing…our ability to be intentional about how we respond to all of it can, as well.

All I ask right now is for you to PAUSE and consider what time you value with your child (or yourself!) enough that you are unwilling to be interrupted by your phone.

And then do it.

Here’s to living well,
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Important Ways to Play, Toddler Style

December 9, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

Important ways to play, toddler-style (and thoroughly enjoyed by me a while back)…

…dumping each and every stuffed guy, pillow, and book OFF the mattress onto the floor…hauling each and every blanket over the edge and piled on top of the stuffed guys, pillows, and books. Crawling across the mattress to drag up and off the sheet…totally immersed, furrowed eyebrows, concentration, oh so many body contortions with reaching and crawling and climbing and rolling to accomplish freeing the bed of all items!

…musing over the piles on the floor and then choosing a certain lady-bug pillow to plunk back UP on the mattress, crawling back to the edge to get a fist-full of the purple sheet and dragging it back ONTO the mattress, working the toddler-sized body to fit directly ON the lady-bug pillow and pull the sheet up over the body, tucked under the chin, eyes squeezed shut…sort of…and thinking. Talking quietly. No interruption from a parent or caregiver. Oh so much work practicing “going to sleep” can be!

...studying slugs with real concentration. Leaning o-v-e-r the flower box and discovering little tiny slugs with wiggling antenna crawling and sliming across the dirt to eat eat eat the flowers. Oh the discovery! The laughter as one…no, TWO were found climbing UP the flower box…the gently poking finger, the nibble on the leaf to see just what it is slugs like about those green plants…and the great big BLAH that followed! Just think of all the learning!

…climbing up the slippery, wet, grassy hill to spin around and PLOP down onto his back and lay ever so still as he takes in the WET of the grass, the sky he suddenly sees, the bird sounds all around…then UP again to repeat this very routine–climbing, spinning, plopping, freezing perfectly still. Over and over and over…soaking wet pants, muddy feet and hands and face…and total pleasure over being entirely in charge of what his body does…

…peek-a-boo! In and out of the set of closet beads…delighting each time in surprising the present adult with him, relishing being able to count on the adult being there, practicing over and over again the ever important ability to separate…

…and then the stories! Made up and very real and wonderful stories told Toddler Style with hand motions, words, sounds. All about dogs sneaking the cat’s food and dogs silly enough to actually try and eat a bee (STING! O-u-c-h goes the dog and BLECH as Mr. Bee escapes from the mouth…) and important people to this certain toddler writing him postcards with even more stories to think about, laugh over, delight in, and repeat…over and over and over again. Conversation, imagination, incredible THINKING fostered.

And then run off to FIND the post card to talk about it all over again . Young children LOVE getting real mail!

Important ways for toddlers to play. Meaningful work. Repetitive work. Learning more about themselves work.

Work that seems uninteresting and maybe boring to adults but is ESSENTIAL for toddlers. Work that has them thinking, discovering, moving, struggling, strengthening, feeling, talking, imagining, conversing, choosing. Work that requires us to step back, stay quiet, observe. To know just when to say something, just when to respect their space.

Work that grows a healthy brain, ready to learn; a body ready to live well; a soul in touch with who they are and how they tick. Work that a toddler needs plenty of time to engage in. Plenty.

Enjoy your little one today. Delight in what they are discovering about their world, their bodies, their thoughts and feelings. Notice how they do things over and over again. Pay attention to the thinking they are doing–especially when you intentionally stay quiet to just watch. See all the growth happening right in front of you as they explore their world in meaningful-to-them ways.

And let it put a real smile on your face!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Preschooler + Airplane = ?

October 7, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology, Story Time! 2 Comments

A story for you…

A full airplane. A mama, grandmom, and 3.5-year-old. Mr. 3.5 was strapped into his carseat, fully FULLY engaged with peeling itty-bitty stickers off of a sticker sheet and ever-so-carefully poking them into place upon his knee.

Great concentration. Wonderful fine-motor work . Grandmom and Mama watching, occasionally commenting, definitely enjoying. Me, too. I was across the aisle.

Mr. 3.5 finished filling his knee with stickers, looked at the empty sticker sheet, and promptly began peeling each itty-bitty sticker off the knee he had just filled and transferring them one at a time to his OTHER knee.

Again, concentration. Focus. Total involvement. One finger poking them into place ever so carefully. Totally fun watching him do his work!

Mama and I spoke (really, how could I resist?!). I mentioned how focused and intent her little guy was and how cool it was to see him engaged in this rather than (and, yes, if you follow me you know what is coming next) being handed a screen to watch.

I mentioned how incredible this simple activity was for building his brain.

And Mama said, “We used to use screens. No more. He was diagnosed with speech delay. Ever since we focused on other activities for him, his speech has caught up!”

Mama was quite pleased, and then showed me the books they brought along for the ride, more stickers (since her son LOVED stickers!), and other airplane activities–including Grandmom–who, as the plane took off, pointed and talked and commented on all Mr. 3.5 was seeing out his window (a momentary pause from sticker work…)

Speech delay. Just one of the many things to be aware of as a result of your little one being exposed to too much screen time.

Think about it–each time they are “plugged in” there is LESS language and conversation from/with you. The language often used by us (if we use any at all) with our kids when they are “on a screen” is simplified to things like “push there/swipe that/see that.” Rarely the rich language we use in conversation or when involved in hands on activities or exploration.

And it is this rich language in real time with an important-to-them adult that has our little ones’ brains firing away, building all those neural pathways necessary for ALL things, speech included.

Even OUR screen time can be a part of a young child’s speech delay—the more we are distracted, the less we respond to our children in meaningful, rich, connected ways.

The more we CAN give our full presence no matter how brief, our respect as shown by our full presence, our meaningful words because now we are tuned in to just what they are doing or what we are trying to communicate to our little ones, the more THEY can grow in optimal ways. Simple. Hard at times. Often exhausting. And worth it.

Absolutely worth it.

And just think–when our children do have the ability to understand our meaningful and naturally more complex language AND speak (or sign!) it, it means LESS frustration and falling apart and acting out making our job just a bit easier. Now that’s something to think about!

Kudos to this Mama. She learned the hard and concerning way, intentionally created positive change, and glows as a result. Her son is thriving. And sleeping, now. Thank goodness because Mama was tired, too…. All that sticker work exhausted him!

A story to consider.

Check out the Screen Time Action Network for more help, resources, support, encouragement.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Conversations with Baby

September 18, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology Comment

Oh yes!

What a delight it is to converse with a baby…a toddler…and onward up through the ages–yes, even the teenagers who can get a bit less-than-wonderful as they roll their eyes and use THAT tone of voice.

Click here for a fabulous article on just this. Conversing, and the impact it has on your baby.

Conversation, as research has found and many of us have known and practiced and encouraged, is key for…well…everything. From language development to social and emotional to relationship building to meaningful connection….

It is essential for healthy brain development. And healthy brain development is the foundation of learning and living well.

And it begins with BABIES. It requires us to be fully engaged. It asks for the give and take and nuances of conversation. It means being aware, taking turns, and staying in the moment with your little one.

Like the older woman of recent who I watched engage a baby new to her:

Woman: “Hello! And look at you….” PAUSE.

Baby: Eyes widen as she studied this stranger. (And yes, no verbal response is necessary. Those eyes widening as the woman paused? THAT was a conversational response…)

Woman: “You are really studying me. I know I’m new to you…” PAUSE.

Baby: Wiggles. Glances to Papa who is holding her. Looks back at woman and reaches out a chubby hand.

Woman, as she holds out her palm to Baby: “You are curious about me! I wonder if you’d let me hold you?” And she held out both her hands and paused once again. Waiting for Baby’s response. Ever so respectful.

Baby: Studied the woman’s out-reached hands. Looked at her face, and then subtly leaned her body toward the woman.

Woman: “Oh! You are ready to have me hold you!” And she took curious Baby into her arms and continued on with this beautiful give and take conversation–verbally one-sided, and fully FULLY turn-taking and engaged.

It was a lovely exchange–actually, a “dance”–to witness. The respect shown, tremendous. THIS is a conversation.

And the more we practice it with our babies by asking and waiting, the more they become toddlers chatting away with you–the more it is important–oh SO important–that we engage respectfully and meaningfully.

And consider this:

“…but if you’re not engaging with the child and having a conversational duet about what the child is interested in, you’re not going to give the child the language processing skills that they need…” (Roberta Golinkoff)

A conversational duet about what the child is interested in.

What happens when, as seen increasingly these days, we “converse” with our little one as we glance back and forth from our phone, texting, scrolling, distracted?

We lose the duet. We lose what our child is truly interested in, focusing on, curious about. We often miss cues that are ever so important in this duet. We show our child that communication and conversation is secondary to what’s on our phone. And then we wonder, down the road a bit, why our child doesn’t listen to us. Among other things… 🙂

And when we make this the norm, we are–as science is showing and professionals such as Magda Gerber has always spoken of–displacing just what our children need the most to grow WELL. To feel connected, deeply. To be seen and respected as the capable and competent souls they are. To be truly understood. To be interacted with from a place of understanding.

We miss their cues. And this translates into less learning, displaced development, fewer words/language skills. And this? It ripples out to how they learn, move through school, build relationships…to how they GROW.

We want our best for our children. Let’s start with some basics–meaningful connection, our presence, our respect. Conversation. Meaningful, rich, and it begins at birth and can be fostered at ANY age.

Start today with a PAUSE, with your presence, with your ability to really notice and observe how your little one responds to what you have to say.

And then, when it is your turn, respond. Pretty amazing. Very powerful. Wonderfully relationship-building.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

The Cost of Smart Phones…

September 7, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

It is such a struggle.

A million connections and “have-tos” to maintain AND all the needs of our children. Not to mention our own self-care, our relationship with our partners, work, meals, finances, illness, you name it.

It’s a struggle, this juggling we all do. Exhausting. Frustrating. Trying to be good parents, friends, employers and employees, partners.

Enter in smart phones. Yes! This struggle, with phone in hand, feels like it can be eased.

Now we can manage so much of our life where-ever we are. Maybe we can take care of the scheduling, banking, finding key information, and still connect with other adults (whew! Adult time, essential)…all while our children play at the library book center…the park…on the playground…in front of a screen of their own…in the waiting room at the doctor’s office…in the grocery cart busily munching an apple. All because of our phone.

We can do all of this as we move through our day without stopping (or breathing, sometimes), maybe with the intent of freeing ourselves up come evening time and really enjoy our family meal or pile of books or play time outside.

Maybe.

Or maybe we find that smart phone and all the connections encroach upon our evenings. Ring Ding Ping and our attention moves from our child or our self or whatever we are engaged in to our phone. Or laptop. Or iPad. Or whatever digital device that is the latest and greatest.

It IS a struggle.

With all the increasing awareness of the essential time

AWAY and OFF of screens is for growing well, building healthy relationships, having brains that really can be at their optimum…we should be doing better.

Yet it seems rather harmless…

…as we sit on the library play area’s floor with our child happily toddling around to engage ourselves on our phones.

…to pay more attention to our phones rather than staying tuned into our babies, their experience, their interest in the world around them.

…to sit on the bench at the playground and do more of our work while our kids are roaring around.

…to say, “Wait a sec! Daddy just texted me…” as your child is in the middle of telling you a funny story from school.

…to constantly or daily text our teens and young adults in order to feel more connected and involved in their lives.

It SEEMS rather harmless. And you know, on occasion it is necessary and totally okay and even fun. Yet is it really so necessary the majority of the time? Or have we gotten ourselves into a lifestyle of on-line living that we find it a real struggle to step away from it?

And at the cost of what? I believe at a very concerning cost to our relationships–with ourselves, our partners, our children. In so many ways. Think about those teens and young adults as we constantly stay “connected” by texting them–how can they do the ever-essential cutting of the apron strings when we won’t untie them ourselves? That’s a whole other post to write..

With our attention constantly divided or, as in with our teens and young adults, constantly given because now we CAN, we communicate an underlying disrespect for (and with our teens, a lack of confidence in) another. And what I feel quite concerned about is how THAT seems “normal” now. No big deal. Yet it is a big deal.

This subtle disrespect (or not so subtle at times…)? It ripples out and permeates everything we do, every relationship we have. It OKs a culture of disrespect. We’ve been seeing an overwhelming amount of that in recent years.

More importantly, our kids feel disconnected from us.

They have to try even harder for our attention (in not so good ways, usually…). They “hear” THEY aren’t as important as what is ringing dinging pinging on our phones. They “hear” what they do and who they are isn’t appreciated or understood by us–how could it be when we are constantly glancing down at our phones, then up to nod and smile and say, “Yes! I see you! I hear you!” then down again to our phones? Ever hear, “But MOM, you aren’t listening to me with your EYES!”??

The teens and young adults who we feel so connected with due to texting so often with them? They “hear” our lack of confidence in their ability to separate, LAUNCH, become independent adults. Probably not what any of us intend.

I’m betting it is rather exhausting–emotionally and physically–for our kids to constantly remind us to look, hope we will look, to catch us up on the story by re-telling it because we got interrupted yet again. Or maybe not retelling it and just shrugging their shoulders and saying “Never mind…”, feeling even less connected with us. Or, of course, acting up and out as they try ever so hard to GET our attention. Negative behavior, enough of it, often draws our attention pretty quick…:-)

I’m betting it is rather exhausting emotionally and physically for our older kids and young adults who feel they have to juggle our texts constantly, or have decided it is the norm to stop whatever they are doing and disconnecting from whomever they are with to answer, yet again, one of our Ring Ding Pings to them. Or maybe they answer because they feel responsible for how we will feel if they don’t stop what they are doing to respond…

And just think of and know about the exhaustion in our own bodies and minds as we constantly have to re-attend to whatever it is we are trying to attend. You know, listening to, learning about, or reading something of interest, to hear that Ring Ding Ping, to glance, maybe respond, to then re-focus on what you were first doing? We lose. A lot, over time. And when it becomes our norm, we forget how much we lose. Until the stress or the overwhelming nature of it all causes a big enough crises in our life that we decide to choose differently.Like anxiety. Withdrawal. Rebellion. Depression. Ours AND our children’s.

It is a struggle.

I see it everywhere. Even as I am incredibly intentional with my screen use, I feel the struggle, too. I definitely feel the exhaustion.

The question is:

What more can we do to create the healthy space FROM our phones and screens so we can be SURE to create the healthy relationships, to actually use all these moments throughout our days in relationship building ways and recognize how they count hugely over time?

To truly deposit, often and with our full and respectful presence, into all our relationships?

Share with me what works for you to be intentional with your screen use, rather than going through your day always reacting to those fairly constant Ring Ding Pings. I’d like to know. We all need encouragement to PAUSE and BE fully with another, with ourselves. We all need encouragement to step away from this constantly ON life-style we’ve found ourselves in–to know that there is a real and essential necessity to step OFF.

To find the balance that truly builds

all relationships in healthy ways.

I encourage all of us to be intentional with all that we do–most especially, in how we connect meaningfully with our children and others in our lives, and what place our devices actually have in doing so.

I’d like to know your thoughts…share with me!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

What Baby Needs to Thrive in Age of Technology

July 9, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment

You are about to welcome in a new baby. Or maybe just have.

Congratulations!

Feeling confident and competent as a parent, deeply and wonderfully connected with your little one(s) is what we hope and strive for as we welcome children into our lives.

It can be daunting, thinking of the responsibilities we have as parents; it can be challenging as we go through periods of uncertainty and exhaustion; it can be one of the most fulfilling experiences of your (and your baby’s) life.

You’ve set yourself up with a growing understanding of feeding, bathing, diapering, sleeping, care-giving in general. Time to also consider how to set up the tech environment your baby will be raised in. A bit surprising to have to think of this and incredibly essential to do so for growing the healthy, loving, deeply connected relationship you intend; crucial for supporting your little one’s optimal brain growth; critical for healthy growth and development to excel.

What do babies need to thrive?

A tuned-in, responsive care-giver, answering their needs in a timely and respectful manner, being present and focused especially during care-giving moments—feeding, diapering, assisting sleep, bathing…

What do parents strive for?

Healthy and deeply connected relationships with their little ones; feeling confident and capable throughout their parenting journey; thriving children and families. Some things to think about:

• Consider relationships in your life that you relish. What helps you feel and nurture the deep connection that define these?
• What does connection look and feel like as you relate in-person with others you feel close to?
• When have you felt best about connecting meaningfully with another?
• Consider times you’ve felt truly confident and capable; what would it be like to feel this way as you parent your little one? How can being intentional with the environment you set up support you in this?
• In what ways has technology enhanced the most meaningful relationships in your life?
• In what ways has technology detracted from connecting meaningfully with another?

What do you need to know?

Being tech aware and intentional with your use, your baby’s use and exposure, you are more likely to foster the healthy and deeply connected relationships that can have your baby thriving. Key issues include:

• How screens impact your baby’s healthy brain development—what screen use can be healthy, what is not. FaceTime with a grandparent with you there, talking and interacting can be a wonderful way to nurture connected relationships; plunking your baby by themselves in front of a device counters this healthy development. It is in the first 3 years that our brains develop the most rapidly, and it is with hands-on, sensory and language rich, relationship and whole-body based experiences that this occurs. Screens displace these experiences, impeding our baby’s brain development.
• Your awareness of and respect for baby’s rhythms and your ever-growing understanding of your little one’s communications are key for answering their needs; Your responsiveness to baby’s coos, cries, smiles, gurgles, and wiggles is the essential socialization and communication foundational for healthy physical and emotional development, as well as relationships. Your timely responsiveness is key for baby to feel settled and secure and able to grow well. Distraction by and overuse of our devices while with baby undermines this.
• Providing baby with devices to be entertained or distracted by undermines her ability to self-regulate and communicate her needs; displaces crucial social emotional time with her primary caregivers (you!); interrupts the development of a healthy brain; displaces the meaningful and responsive connection with and from you that is key for your baby to grow optimally.

There are important and at times seemingly little moments to pay attention to. They can be easily missed if we are distracted by our devices. Our ability to respond appropriately and timely is key. These little moments? They become the foundation for the warm and wonderful relationship you intend to build. They become the foundation for all future learning.

How can you create a healthy tech environment that supports and fosters healthy growth and relationships?

Consider your use of devices and how they step up to enhance or detract connecting meaningfully and accurately (in regards to understanding your baby’s expression of needs). Ideas:

Put your phone down and perhaps out of sight and silenced as you feed, converse, diaper, bathe, or otherwise interact with your baby. Give them the gift of your full attention as much as you can.
Turn off background noise from devices (certain kinds of music being the exception) to better support your little one’s ability to fully focus on and appropriately explore and engage their environment; to engage YOU.
Be sure to, when needing to use a device, speak directly with your baby about what you will be doing and when they can expect your full attention once again. This communicates respect; and with your consistent follow through, you communicate trust–baby can count on what you say you mean and will do. Relationship-building.

Consider our knowledge that little to no screen time for our babies and toddlers is essential for their healthy development. Know that providing lots of free time to explore, stretch on a blanket on the floor, look at and touch objects (and you!)–all with your responsive self tuned in to when needs emerge–will support the growth of a little one able to self-regulate, feel secure and safe, able to play “on their own” for stretches of time. No need to distract with a screen. And now their brains are growing exponentially!

Consider background noise from devices and televisions—as a regular occurrence these distract and interrupt your little one’s ability to attend to their own explorations of their world; it can limit imagination and reflection time necessary for growing from the inside-out–key for self-regulating, problem solving, feeling capable and competent, for all learning! This includes those constant text pings even though your phone is tucked away.

Be intentional with how and when you use your devices so they no longer impede your baby’s development and your deepening bond with them. Be intentional with how you think forward through the early years—just what can be healthy use especially in regards to how children learn by hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship-based, whole body experiences.

Questions to ask yourself

What are some steps you will take today with your tech use to ensure your ability to deposit fully into your relationship with your little one?

What are some things you can do differently in your home as you consider a healthy tech environment for your little one?

How would it feel to know you are providing your child with all that they need to thrive?

Be tech intentional with your environment, your use, your baby’s exposure. Know that this can help you foster the development of a healthy brain, ready for all future learning and nurture a relationship you will cherish. Really! Now go enjoy welcoming in your new little one and feel confident you are providing her with all that she needs to thrive.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Teaching Your Child to Read

June 15, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, School and education Comment

I had a grandparent, who is homeschooling their grandchild, ask me recently,“How do you teach a 5-year-old how to read? We read to our child a lot, which she enjoys. Do we use flash cards? Sight words? We are currently trying to get her to sound words out.”

I appreciate that this grandfather reached out. Reading is essential for learning all through life. Academically we’ve pushed down the “achievement” of reading to ages developmentally unready for this accomplishment. Here’s what I wrote to this grandparent:

I’m glad you’ve asked this question! I think your granddaughter is blessed to have grandparents so intimately involved in her life, helping her grow and learn. And your awareness of how crucial reading is and desire to be sure she IS a reader are equally blessings for her.

Reading is a developmental process and something that has not changed despite the efforts of society pushing academics down to younger ages. The fact is that age 8 is when reading typically “comes together” for a child. 3rd grade! This, of course, means at age 8 children are able to read, comprehend what they read, are able to express what they read. The whole package. And hopefully LOVE to read. This is key!

I love that you read to your granddaughter and that she enjoys it! This is the BEST thing you can be doing–sharing and enjoying books builds the love of reading which fuels her learning to read. And there is so much more you can do to build a foundation for a successful reader…

I encourage you to immerse her in literacy–meaning lots and lots of hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship-based, whole body experiences around all things books, words, letters, sounds. What does this look like?

Ideas for you:

Have plenty of picture (and appropriate chapter) books available to her at all times.
Be sure to role-model reading, yourself! And talk about stories; tell stories out loud.
Make sure she has a library card and uses it–and this may be creatively done, now with Covid-19, perhaps via playing library in your own home! Together make her a Grandparent House Library Card, and have fun creating a space in your house with a selection of books and have her practice checking them out, being responsible for them, returning them. PLAY. This is key.
Have lots of writing material available for her to freely engage in. We liked to have paper of different sizes and colors, pens, pencils, markers, ink stamps, etc always available. We had fun creating a shoebox mailbox and envelopes to “exchange letters”–which always encourages them to write and tell stories! Sometimes via pictures and this is just as important as words. Asking her to tell you about her drawing is wonderful, and then encouraging her to put a caption under it is certainly okay–“Would you like to write what it is under the picture so daddy can read it when he comes?” Letting go of whether she wants to or not is equally important.
Worry less about making letters or spelling words “right.” Inventive writing is the name of the game–all about her figuring out the sounds SHE hears and translating it to paper–it is amazing what they come up with! Let her freely write write write with little to no parameters. Inside-out learning! Now her thoughts can flow without the roadblock of writing things “right.”
Engage her in cooking at the counter and together “read” labels, ingredients, recipes. “Look! Here it tells us how many eggs. I see a T…what’s the next letter look like to you? W! yes! Oh…and then there is a (you pause…she studies…) O! T-W-O…I wonder what THAT says…” Then you show her one finger, two fingers…and pretty soon she “knows” TWO! You can do this all through your day–“I see a sign with an S! Do you?” “Can you find something that starts with a BBBBB–B?” “Going on a letter hunt….” Basically–all these letters and sounds–the more they are encased in play, the more your child will learn from the inside out. Make sense? FUN! And delicious, as you cook together 🙂
Limit all things screens–this I cannot reiterate enough.
Encourage her to write letters to others and mail them. She may want to draw only a picture, AND she can always sign her name. Practice practice from a fun angle. No pressure–“Are you going to sign with ALL your letters or just some?”
Sing songs. Really! Singing is a form of story telling that delights all.
NO need for flash cards–not in terms of intentionally “teaching her.” Instead, just have them available for play. Maybe play matching games with her–have two decks and take 10 or so of same letters and play concentration (you know, flip them over so letters can’t be seen then each of you take turns turning over two to see if they match…?) Or play a game of choosing one letter, placing it on the floor and then running all over the house finding things that have that letter in their name! No need to “correct” her when she says the ball she found to put next to the letter T has a T in it. Just go with it for now. Make it a game of listening to sounds together.
Sight words–again, that’s all about what is naturally around the house and when you are out and about. Recognizing a stop sign, exit sign, her name. Naturally memorizing a book and then reading it back to you on her own–she may not know each word, AND when kids can tell you the story through memory, this is an important building block for reading.
Make books! Kids her age often LOVE to fold construction paper, fill with blank pages inside and (perhaps with a chosen theme? Like the letter B?) draw, write, create a story. Sometimes we put the books together and then just had them out and available to fill. Sometimes they liked to create their own–mixing up sizes of paper and kinds of paper has a way of triggering even more creativity! Teeny books, big books, rectangle books, circle books… 🙂

When reading becomes a chore, kids grow to dislike reading. My husband, an elementary teacher for over 30 years, has seen many kids come to his third grade class resisting all things reading because it had been “forced” or pushed early on–too early, too hard.

Every child has their own timeline for reading. My youngest put it all together at age 9–prior to that she’d come to a screeching halt when she didn’t know a word. Would NOT go beyond it. She was a perfectionist and it “got in her way.” So what did we do? We read more and more, helped her “over” those unknown words, and then she fell in love with these super silly animal books at age 9 and PRESTO, she no longer worried about words she didn’t know. She is now working on her doctorate in Chemistry and reading books and articles that sound like a foreign language to me.

My eldest daughter’s deal was stubborness and control–because her mom (me!) was trying to “get” her to read (age 6 and 7). I had to back off. So at age 7 as I read to her every day we made a deal–she reads the first sentence of each chapter, I read the rest. I totally let go of trying to “get her” to read any more than that…and PRESTO! She relaxed, trusted I’d keep the deal, and soon she was so lost in books we STILL can’t get her “out” of one!!!! Ha. Hence the 12 banker-sized boxes of academic and pleasure books stacked in our garage awaiting her first home and the book-cases she intends to fill. Reading is a passion of hers, as is learning.

I hope this helps and I hope it inspires you as you look to creative ways to immerse your granddaughter in all things literacy through a play-based lens. I know schools are saying “read by 5!” This frustrates many–kids, parents, teachers alike–since it adds pressure that then displaces or removes just what kids need the most. To love reading!

I encourage you to TRUST the developmental process as you enrich your granddaughter’s environment through a literacy and play lens.”

Have fun!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Dump Trucks, Back Hoes and REAL Learning

May 10, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated Comment

A story for you that put a smile on MY face:

Toddler, Grandfather, wagon, and All Things Construction.

I came upon them on a morning walk and paused to enjoy the wide-eyed twinkle of Mr. Toddler as he watched the dump truck go BEEP BEEP BEEP as it backed up; listened to him exclaim, “ROCK!” as a load of rock tumbled out. His JOY over All Things Construction brought me joy, as well. Contagious!

And it brought back a million memories…

…of “BACK-HOE!” being nearly the first word of my eldest. Of course, it sounded like, “BUH!” and we knew exactly what she was talking about. Usually. It sometimes referred to the dog next door, Bubba…

…of the afternoons spent with Mr. N. and Miss L., two little ones in my care, watching the new road get put in around the block from our home. The surprise and JOY when the truck drivers honked; the total absorption in the scooping and dumping and whooshing of dirt; the “Can we walk to watch the dump trucks???” plea from both on a daily basis.

...of the hours spent in the middle of our kitchen floor with a tub of sand/rice/beans (whatever!)–contained in an inflatable pool since it was winter time and there was a lack of good digging to be had OUT-side–digging, driving our toy dump trucks, “BRRRRRRRR….DUUUUUUMP” sounds coming from whichever child was totally immersed in all things construction right there in our kitchen. Oh, and how this play led to the doll getting into the middle of it then of COURSE needing a bath, so now water was included, and all the dirt/sand/rice/peas or whatever got mixed in and now it was CEMENT to build houses or maybe a house for the baby, oh, she needs a towel and now she’s hungry…

…of my own daughters knowing the difference between a side dump, belly dump, back dump truck and often correcting ME as we spotted them on our drives to and from where-ever. Not to mention how they knew the proper names of every piece of equipment and how it took work for me to keep up with them!

…of how I could use the “Shall we drive by the back hoes working or do you want to go see if the mountain of gravel has gotten any higher” suggestions as a way of expediting the leaving of a friend’s house or speed up the inevitable S-L-O-W process of dressing following a swim lesson. And it worked, more often than not. The excitement over checking in on various construction sites and all our stories and conversations as a result usually had my kids speeding up whatever process I was trying to move them through.

…of the hours spent OUT-side when it wasn’t mightily cold sitting atop whatever pile of topsoil there was, driving trucks, scooping dirt, making roads, DUUUMMMPPING, filling, BEEP BEEP BEEPing…and coming in all muddy, ready for a warm bath and more water play then something yummy for their tummies…

...of the tons of library books we checked out that was about All Things Trucks and the hours pored over each page, talking about how it was just like what we saw in our neighborhood, or if daddy was going to use a backhoe for OUR project, or if on our next drive in the car we can find workers up in a Cherry Picker, too! And “Oh! Are they picking REAL cherries?” And on and on…

…of how we never had to rely on devices to entertain our kids on our long or short car trips. Ever. Well, they weren’t a choice, either, for they didn’t exist :-). I’m grateful they weren’t, because if so, I, too, may have fallen into the “plug ’em in” mode to get some peace and quiet.

And I’d have missed and never known all the rich and wonderful conversation, ideas, stories, and made-up songs that inevitably emerged from watching out the car windows and spotting just about EVERY thing there was to see.

I’d have missed and never known how that would then spark my kids in regards to their play, or their library book choice, or the rehashing for daddy when he came home from work. And how we’d then sing again those made-up songs as we marched along each day…:-)

Here’s the wonderful thing about all of this–and just think, all of this came from spotting that little boy with his wagon today–the LEARNING that is happening.

REAL learning. Hands on, Sensory and Language Rich,

Relationship-based, Whole Body LEARNING.

The kind that grows brains in optimal ways. The kind that builds relationships. The kind that has children imagining, creating, thinking, processing, focusing–all things ESSENTIAL for school and wanting to learn even more. For being successful in school! And life. Oh yes, and life.

Today, be in the moment with your child. They are natural and eager observers. Learn from them. Watch and be delighted by what they notice and how it has them feeling, what it has them doing. The joyful twinkles in the toddler’s eyes with his wagon warmed my heart. JOY, incredulous-ness, AWE, and even a bit of caution as that dump truck BEEPED and DUMPED and all that rock went TUMBLING down.

And off he went pulling his wagon with his Grandpa alongside, happily marching through the puddles and winding around the big rocks, and soaking up his outdoor time. Grandpa, too. Quietly and respectfully.

Lovely.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Rooted in Place

April 4, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, School and education, Screen Time and Technology Comment

From a Mama to me to you:

“Somehow it would be lovely to get the message out that we will be OK and thrive and be successful and we can do it with the resources we have at home. We don’t need screens to come in and save us.

Our job as parents right now is to take a deep breath and just give lots of love. If all we do is read books and love our children all the way up to the 17-year-olds in AP physics to those of us with little ones, we will be more than OK.

…these devices seem to say you need this to teach your children which implies an inadequacy. We want to give parents back the competency they innately do have. Screens take away parent skills and (undermine) competency of being present.” (Mama who is sheltering in place)

Alice’s take: Know that, even as schools and life seem to demand being on a screen in order to live well right now, this, too is a choice and in some ways a message that we need screens to come in and save us. We DO require and are grateful for our knowledge and availability of screen technology to shop, connect, be informed. Absolutely. I am looking forward to my cribbage game tonight with another family via Zoom!

I also question the need we are told we have for relying on it to educate our children during this crisis. That we have to continue on with formal education because interrupting this timeline will be devastating.

The more I connect with individuals and organizations intent on supporting parents without an abundance (or even any) screen use for their children, the more I am grounded in extending to each of you the realization that YOU are enough. That experiencing life right now can be enough. That we have rich learning experiences throughout our days sheltering in place at home. And when we recognize this and use them, our children can feel our steadying presence, learn about the world around them, tap into their inner selves…

….they can feel rooted in place (literally so as we shelter in place), busy growing upward and outward BECAUSE they are rooted in place, just as seedlings do, just as these photos from the Mama I quoted sent of something she is doing with her children. Rich learning that taps into an abundance of growth.

It includes the science, math, language, inner awareness, creativity, hands-on, relationship based learning that has our children thriving. This Mama? She hopes the metaphor also impacts her children in affirming ways–that they, too, are quite literally rooted in place in their small apartment AND growing up and out…just as they should.

And that can be enough right now. For a long time, actually.

It requires us to remember and tap into and grow our own capable and competent selves that we innately are. It requires us to let go of formal timelines and recognize the bigger picture of life right now. Who do we want our children to grow into? What are we choosing to do right now that best supports our vision for them? How can you feel YOU are enough? For you are. Try planting some seeds today. Use a glass jar and let your child observe as the roots spread downward and the growth spreads up and out. So much learning! And know that this can be enough.

Sending you love and encouragement each day,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Critical Needs of Young Children

January 18, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships Comment

Tell me, I’d like to know.

How much time in nature does your child get each day? Or–what works to bring nature to your child if outdoors is limited?

How much movement is part of your child’s day? Movement via play, walking, running, climbing, plopping, dancing, rolling, stretching, etc…?

What does connection look like to you and your child? Do you and your little one enjoy time together reading, singing, dancing, playing, talking, laughing, or even just sitting together gazing out the window?

How about touch. Is there lots of warm and respectful touching…hugs, hand holding, back rubbing, rocking, lap time, leaning against each other, heads together, a light touch as you pass by, in your arms…?

I ask because these are four CRITICAL parts to a young child’s development. Move, Touch, Connect, Nature.

With plenty of all four, they can continue on a healthy path of development. They can feel and live the essential attachment and bonding. They can feel secure, calm, strong and coordinated.

They can do the hard and important work, as they grow, of lengthy focusing, of managing their feelings and bodies, of problem solving, of navigating social demands appropriately–negotiating, friendships, feelings…of attending and learning fully, of growing their independent selves just as they need to.

With plenty of all four they have a STRONG and SOLID foundation.

So tell me. What is working in your family to be sure each one of these makes up the majority of your child’s day? And what are YOUR plans this week to deposit soundly into your child’s essential foundation in life?

You may enjoy reading these for ideas and encouragement:

Important Moments in the Day of a Baby

Important Moments in the Day of a Toddler

Important Moments in the Day of a Preschooler

With JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Quick! Your child’s starting to lose it!

November 2, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

Your child is beginning to freak out. Losing it…loudly. Ramping it up to a full blown tantrum. Resistance, push-back, tension… Quick! Offer them their favorite television show or app on your phone or game on their digital device.

Phew! Crisis averted. What a relief! Your little one is now glued to their screen, QUIET, and you find yourself calming a bit, able to continue on with getting done whatever it is you planned on getting done…or maybe this quick distraction to screen gave you the opportunity to buckle your child up in their car seat and actually have a bit of peace and quiet for the drive home…or finish your meal in the restaurant without embarrassing everyone…

Okay. So your child is now calm. You are calm. But consider this–the message you’ve just given (especially if this is a go-to solution for you on a regular basis…) is “you need this distraction in order to manage your feelings.” Or “you need to BE distracted because I have no confidence in your (or my) ability to manage your feelings.” Or “I cannot handle how you are feeling/behaving…”

What a scary thing for a child.

To think the most mature person–their special adult in their lives–cannot handle how they feel. This really rocks a child’s world…and usually ramps them up even more.

What a way to undermine their ability to (eventually) manage their OWN feelings. To understand, accept, process, and express appropriately all the emotions they have.

What a way to undermine OUR ability to do the same–be comfortable in our own feelings–our anxiety, lack of confidence in our own selves, embarrassment, you name it.

Consider this from the American Academy of Pediatrics:

“Avoid using media as the only way to calm your child. Although there are intermittent times (eg, medical procedures, airplane flights) when media is useful as a soothing strategy, there is concern that using media as strategy to calm could lead to problems with limit setting or the inability of children to develop their own emotion regulation.” (Am. Academy of Pediatrics)

So what to do?

Because really, these BIG and LOUD feelings and over-the-top behaviors really DO cause a ton of anxiety. For everyone involved. Ideas for you with the intent to grow a child able to manage themselves in healthy ways:

~ PAUSE. Calm yourself as much as possible FIRST. What a way to role-model taking care of our own feelings in healthy ways.

~ Name and affirm the feeling your child has. “It makes you really mad…” “You are feeling so so frustrated!” “You really don’t want to leave, yet.” “It makes you mad when I buckle you up in your seat. It is important to be safe…” “It really hurt your feelings when…” “I can see how tired you are. That sure makes it hard for you to…”

~ Give a clear framework, choice inherent: “When you calm down we can…” “I will take you to your room and stay with you while you work at settling down…” “You need to get your mad OUT. Would pounding the couch together help?” “I will stop you from hurting your brother. I can see you are really upset. When we’ve all calmed down a bit we can talk about this…” “Let’s take a few deep breaths like this…and then you can choose if you want to buckle all by yourself or have me help you.”

~ Follow through with what you’ve offered up calmly, matter-of-factly. Whether it is buckling for them (perhaps initially making them even LOUDER and more upset), closing the bedroom door and sitting against it while you keep them company, keeping your promise of talking about it once things have settled, joining in alongside them to pound away at the couch. Your calm, matter-of-fact, willing to stay near, involved, connected self speaks volumes to your child. Respectful volumes.

And now, no matter how your child chooses to behave, you’ve communicated a safe, steady, solid place in which they get the opportunity to sort themselves out. To FEEL. To BE loud and hurt and mad and sad and frustrated without judgment but WITH company, guidance, comfort, and role-modeling that can show them just what to DO with all these upset feelings.

It may not be pretty. It may still be embarrassing, frustrating, anxiety-provoking for YOU, but because you’ve paused…and focused on taking care of your feelings, you are able to step in alongside your upset child and really help them navigate their experience with the confidence they need from you and need to feel you have in them.

Then in time, with your consistent, calm, connected self leading the way, you will discover your child pausing. Breathing. Disappearing into their room to process, chill, figure things out. You’ll discover hotly contested ideas with their brother or friend that no longer need your input. You’ll see your child use self-control that actually has you smiling a bit. You’ll get better at catching those moments and noticing them: “I saw you put your hands in your pocket when your friend made you mad. What a great way to remember to keep your hands to yourself…” “I noticed you used your words to let her know how you felt.” “Even though you were so frustrated, you kept working and working and you DID it!” “I appreciate how you chose to go play by yourself when things started ramping up. What a way to take care of your feelings!”

And your child will be a bit better and stronger in doing just what he or she is meant to–manage themselves. No need for distraction. No need for another to do it for them (and really, think about it. Do you want your future teen needing another to decide for them what and how to do or feel?). And those screens? They can now be used at crucial stress filled times now and again without undermining the important growth of self-regulation.

So today…pause. Consider those potentially embarrassing, anxiety driven, frustrating moments as an opportunity for your child to learn a little bit more about themselves, their feelings, and healthy ways to manage them. You, too. Our kids give us constant opportunities to get stronger within ourselves–and it really all begins with a PAUSE.

Alice
Author of “Parenting Inspired” and “PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection”
PCI Certified Parent Coach® and ScreamFree Certified Leader
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Story Telling. Human or Device?

October 27, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

THIS is disturbing:

“Alexa in the Classroom? Amazon’s Voice Assistant Leads Kids’ Story Time.”

Take a moment and look at the article. Story Time is WAAAAAAAY more than a voice. It is the interaction between story teller and child. It is the facial expressions, the eye contact, the recognition that a child was sparked by something said, or is fidgeting, or looks worried.

Where is the compassion, the connection, the warmth and interest and wonderful exchange between teller and listener?

Teaching any lesson, in school or at home that includes an attentive and engaged adult really listening to and watching the children involved is essential for real learning. How can having a screen and voice be seen as a better way for children to learn in school? As ANY way to learn in school beyond an occasional event?

Yes, we listen to voices on radio shows and audio books. Yet consider the difference–no screen, for one–we are LISTENING with our ears, rather than staring at a screen. These listening times are done in a more casual setting, with interaction and exchanges happening between listeners. It is a once in a while event, sometimes with radio shows it is an eagerly anticipated one that includes good company, food, lively conversation.

Sometimes with audio books we are all actively listening and enjoying together, smiling, nodding, connecting in quiet ways…and then when its over we all talk about all that we heard and understood. Real learning. Sometimes we listen all by ourselves, lost in our own thoughts.

Not so with Alexa in school or at home giving lessons and telling stories.

It is yet another round of screen time–minus the warmth of a human being actively engaged–asking kids to sit and listen and participate by answering questions while staring at a screen.

What are we LOSING if we start turning to Alexa for our children to get their lessons and hear stories–whether at home or in school?

What are we DOING with even more screens in front of our children?

We know better. We KNOW how children learn, how relationships are built, what our brains need to grow and be healthy.

I find this to be incredibly concerning.

I hope you do, too. Let Amazon know what you think. Let your schools know what you think. Keep story telling human.

With real concern,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
www.denaliparentcoaching.com

The Importance of PLAY!

September 19, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

What can you do for your child that can…

…improve their focused attention?

…help them be content without your constant attention?!

…support and grow their ability to succeed in school?

…spark their imagination and curiosity?

…productively and more likely positively negotiate with others?

…problem solve their way through many a struggle?

It really is quite simple…

PLAY.

The very BEST kind–uninterrupted, plenty of time, non-adult directed, few to no screens, outdoors when possible, indoors with open ended “toys” that perhaps aren’t toys at all. Natural items, for sure. Dolls. Blocks. Crayons. Paint. Play dough. Boxes! BOOKS. Flashlights…Forts! Lego. Leaf piles to JUMP in! Puddles to splash. Pretend pretend pretend.

EXPLORATION.

Asking questions, being curious, wondering wondering wondering, looking and finding and wondering all over again. Testing, trying, struggling, failing, testing, trying once again. Getting dirty. Getting clean. Running hopping skipping biking triking skateboarding dancing–what ELSE can I make my body DO?! Sitting. Thinking. Musing over ideas. Being bored! Mixing and pouring and baking…tasting and tweaking and sharing.

CREATIVITY.

Imagination, ideas galore, dress up, costumes, arts and crafts. Glue! Tape. What can I make today? Blankets and tables to make forts. Pillow mountains! Sticks and rocks and moss become little Elf Houses. Games! Made up ones. Board ones. Card ones. Secret Clubs. Friends and instruments and a band! Watching clouds. Whispering together. Writing letters, plays, stories. More arts and crafts–designing, beading, sketching, sewing, knitting, quilting.

TIME.

Just think of all that is learned! Collaboration. Problem solving. Ability to focus–at LENGTH!

Self-direction…just what is needed to become a responsible, successful adult. “My ideas are valued and respected.” “I am a capable and competent person!”

Large and fine motor skills fully developing. Language and conversation and comprehension expands exponentially! “I am a creative person!” “I can DO this!” “I am listened to and heard.”

Self-regulation–“I know how and what I feel and need; I know how to manage that well!” Independence! “I’m in charge of ME and I am responsible for ME.”

So SO much is learned when we give our children the space and time to do what they do best. PLAY.

Play. Exploration. Creativity. Give your child the gift of TIME.

They deserve it and so do you.

Enjoy!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Story Time! Dancing Bears vs Dinosaur Builders…

July 22, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

A story of contrast for you…

A four-year-old little boy. A “toy” laptop. A library book about dinosaurs and a construction site. And me, visiting for a brief time while his dad and my husband check out some work they are doing in their house.

Out comes the laptop, on it goes, ***beep beep beep***, flashing dancing bear figures, singing the ABC’s, “talking” to Mr. Four. If you are one of my regular followers than you already know how I feel about screen technology and young children–even if it is a “toy.” So now you’ll be proud of me–I paused…

I waited and watched to see what captured Mr. Four’s attention with this “laptop.” He danced, wiggled, never really looked at the screen and the flashing images, just sort of physically reacted to it. He grinned when it said his name. He very much “showed it off” to me–“Look what I have! A laptop!” So busy looking towards ME to see how I’d react to HIM.

Now the experiment began (though I was pretty sure I knew what would happen). I reached for the dinosaur library book and began turning the pages. Quietly. Mr. Four charged right over to me, stood with legs planted firmly to the floor (where did all the wiggles go?), and began to pore over the book. We took it, page by page, with the attempt to read the story–but Mr. Four? Oh, he had other ideas.

He told ME everything that was happening, found all the funny things going on, named every piece of equipment. He turned the pages back and forth, discovering, exploring, considering. Obviously he has had this book read to him many times over. Lovely.

He used his fingers to trace different pictures. He talked endlessly. He listened with care when I DID get to read parts of the story. When we “finished” the book he went right back to flipping the pages to find the Backhoe, the Scoop Shovel, the dinosaur with the flat bill, the favorite lunch box of the construction guys, the mustard squirting out from a sandwich…

Mr. Four was absorbed by the book.

We talked and shared and laughed. He was on his OWN time with it–deciding for himself when to turn pages, what to talk about. He was sharing HIS ideas and funny stories. We felt totally connected and wrapped up in our little world of construction sites and dinosaurs. We were discovering together.

Think about this–the contrast between the electronic device and a book.

The device? It was busy telling Mr. Four what to do and how to do it and when to do it.

Mr. Four could push buttons and wiggle his body and delight in hearing the device talk to him. He had little to say about it…just sort of delighted in the entertainment of it. There may be some value in that…

The book? It engaged both of us in a relationship.

It sparked incredible imagination. It encouraged thinking. It nurtured self-direction–a child deciding on his own what to think and do and when to do it. It was three dimensional. It was sensory and language rich–sight, touch, smell, hearing…and oh, the words and conversation it sparked!

THIS is what grows a healthy brain. A child ready and eager to learn. Relationships that can thrive…relationships that provide the solid foundation for a child to grow well.

And I know from many years of experience, the impact of the book ripples out in amazing ways–I remember well how my own daughters would take marker to paper and be inspired to “write” or draw their own stories…they’d take the story of the book and expand it in ways that always surprised me. Or they’d create costumes and act out the book…or become one of the characters and pretend all day long…like my eldest did when she decided she was “Skunkie” and happily “sprayed” us all day long (she was four, as well…) And then they’d pick up the book once again, snuggle down on the couch or in my lap, and want to read it all over again.

I vote for the book any time. I encourage you to do the same.

Instead of handing an electronic device over to distract your child or fill their time, consider first reading them something. Or handing them a book, instead. Or a pile of books! For now you can be sure you are supporting the growth of just what you want the most–a child whose creative, imaginative, focused and engaged, self-directed and independent soul is being nurtured in rich ways. A child whose brain is growing optimally. A child who is eager to learn.

Mr. Four and I had to be done with our story, it was time for me to go. He willingly chose two more things to find in the book–with delight and eagerness–and then his silly dinosaur self wrestled me to the door to pull on all my winter gear so I could head home. What a deposit into a warm and lovely relationship. What a difference this can make.

My story of contrast for you. May it encourage you to continue keeping the magic world of books up front and center in your home. May it remind you of all the healthy and positive growth possible as you, very simply, read with your child.

L-O-N-G Waits in Line…

May 6, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

A story of connection, creativity, and all things relationship building for you from a wonderfully simple perspective.

A family. Two children, ages 8 and 10, and their parents. A long line awaiting entrance to a way-cool castle in Scotland. Think crowds of tour bus folk, general tourists, a small space, and castle ruins just yonder. Oh, and the heat. So very hot.

And think “buff.” You know, those scarf-like things we can wear around our necks for warmth? The 10-year-old boy had one (despite the heat!)…I’ll get back to the buff soon:

“How much l-o-n-g-e-r do we have to WAIT, dad????”

“Ten minutes until the ticket office opens!”

“That’s too LOOOOONNNNGGGG!”

Okay. So we’ve all been here. Whining and fidgety kids, crowds of people, hot weather and lengthy wait times. Here’s what I noticed, heard, and eventually went directly to the parents and appreciated out loud:

Dad, “Would you like to set the timer?” “

Boy, “YES! Can I choose the sound???”

And son and father took out the phone–the ONLY time I saw anything device oriented come out–and together they went through sounds until the boy chose one and the timer was set. Respectful–dad appreciating how hard it can be and providing a solid framework for his son to wait by–ultimately giving his son the opportunity to be in control of that very long 10 minutes . No “Quit whining!” or “It’s only 10 minutes, be patient!”

Just a quiet affirmation of how waiting can

be hard by offering up a simple way to wait successfully;

to actually learn to BE patient.

Sister and brother began to wander a bit…went over to the sign and read it out loud to each other. They twirled. Poked around the ticket booth. Pushed each other playfully. Mom and dad watched from the line, quietly. Kids returned to mom and dad and quizzed them a bit about castle questions. Whining was forgotten, quiet exchanges took place, and the kids were given the space to just be kids. Talk about communicating trust in their ability to manage their selves–both by being able to wait in a crowd of people as well as to entertain themselves…

And then the buff antics began. My daughter noticed the boy’s buff and, just as the boy was getting a bit agitated once again regarding how L-O-N-G the wait was, said, “Buffs are so cool! Did you know you can make a hat with it??”

And the play began. The buff was turned into a hat, a mask, a chance to be “backwards and invisible” as the kids pulled their buffs up over their heads and wore their dark glasses on the backs of their heads. Giggles galore. Then it was my daughter showing them how nordic skiers use buffs with hats included. Then it was how far the buff could s-t-r-e-t-c-h and be pulled and go inside out and outside in. Mom and dad laughed and shared their ideas. Sister worked hard at using her headband in the same way. My daughter and the kids were totally engaged–conversation, fun, creative ideas. Those became the quickest “10 minutes” ever. And we all enjoyed the wait in line!

And then later, as we toured the castle ruins, what did I notice? How easily engaged each child was with their exploring, learning, asking questions. How mom and dad answered questions quietly, asked new ones, and generally let their kids lead the way as they wove in and out of people, walls, paths, twisty old stair cases.

The respect for what their kids were curious about and the respect their kids had for what mom and dad were curious about was a delight to see.

What stood out was how comfortable they all were.

How present and focused and truly listening to each other they were. And two kids who really managed themselves well–fidgets and whining included. I went up to mom and mentioned how I noticed and appreciated this…and that I also appreciated the lack of digital devices and instead real time, face to face interactions. Her response? “We really think less is better…and it is ever so hard to do so with so many of their friends getting smart phones….”

We shared a bit about the importance of being intentional with our use of all things digital so that we can more likely grow healthier relationships, brains and lives.

I shared how awesome it was that they had thought ahead of all-things-digital and decided what they wanted the most––the kind of relationships they were now experiencing. Connected. Respectful. Kids who managed themselves well and could be restless, fidgety, engrossed in their own ideas and play. She shared how it makes it easier knowing what they really want for their kids…and how good it feels to be appreciated for the hard work they are doing to live just what they believe. Talk about building healthy brains!

Connection, creativity, presence, all things relationship-building. It really can be simple. It really can start with a buff .

We really CAN give our kids the space and respect

to just be without always taking responsibility for filling their time or calming our own anxiety over their antics by

distracting them with a screen.

What a gift to our kids when we become truly intentional with how we use our phones, our iPads, our computers–with how we decide NOT to use them.

Today, take time to put digital devices aside. Head outdoors. Get a pile of books to read. Build a fort and climb inside. Cook. Swim. Dig in the dirt. Twirl. Or get your buffs out and see what its like to make yourself “backwards and invisible” with a pair of sunglasses propped on the back of your head.

Most importantly, connect.

With JOY and appreciation,
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Alone Together

May 3, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology Comment

Alone Together. “In the age of screens, families are spending more time ‘alone together.'”

Sounds good in some ways, doesn’t it? Alone Together out in the woods. Around a campfire. Day-dreaming alongside each other. Maybe meandering on a quiet walk, both lost in your own thoughts. Or hanging out in the living room all doing something different and yet, together.

Alone Together with Technology means something entirely different….as Sherry Turkle says (a professor at MIT):

“…“alone together” (labels) our heightened disconnection, which she said has resulted in kids not knowing how to empathize with each other or communicate effectively. “Across generations, technology is implicated in this assault on empathy,” she wrote in the New York Times. “We’ve gotten used to being connected all the time, but we have found ways around conversation—at least from conversation that is open-ended and spontaneous, in which we play with ideas and allow ourselves to be fully present and vulnerable.”

THIS is what I see, hear, and experience. THIS is why I write what I do for each of you as you work at understanding and intentionally changing how you use digital devices; how you recognize what is essential in building healthy relationships and growing healthy children.

This Alone Together creates dis-connection more often than not.

It interrupts real time, in person connection. It definitely can cause more angst on many levels–from being irritated with each other, to depression in our teens and young adults.

It certainly displaces the development of creativity and imagination, focused attention (though isn’t that funny, how focused our kids and ourselves can be on our devices…and yet, this in itself creates the inability to stay focused at length on conversations with another, a lesson in school, getting lost in a good book, being able to truly immerse ourselves in something hands-on and in real time).

It challenges physical development as our kids sit too much, are passively engaged with a device. It displaces language development, critical thinking skills–something we are in desperate need of more than ever as we are faced with an onslaught of “fake news” where-ever we turn. We need to be able to hone and use our critical thinking skills to navigate life.

And EMPATHY. It displaces the ability to empathize, for empathy takes the development of deep connection which spurs on compassion and understanding of another. It encourages acceptance, love, forgiveness. Empathy. It is essential.

And YES, time on devices CAN become a part of healthy development and it requires our own education of what it all means, our understanding of its impact, our role-modeling, our intentional selves getting clear about just how best to integrate these tools into our lives in ways that are relationship-building.

Interested in learning more? Explore these links to my writing that may help and lead you to other resources. Check them out if you ‘d like. They include “What TO do instead of a screen?,” “Our Children, Our Technology“, “Digital Wellness in the Age of Distraction”, “Our Children NEED Us”, “We Need to Know and Say NO”, “Connection vs Disconnection.”

And now go be Together Together. Fully present to whomever you are with. FULLY. It is essential for all of us to live well, to thrive.

Be sure to check out the Screen Time Action Network for resources, community, and more!

Respectfully and hopefully,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

What TO do instead of a screen?

April 29, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

Once again, we are becoming increasingly aware of the damage screen time can have on developing brains. (World Health Organization’s strict new guidelines–read them here)

All due to the lack of hands on, sensory and language rich,

relationship based, whole body experiences. The way young children LEARN and grow. Optimally.

I think about how, up until about 15 or so years ago, the only real screen we had to “rely” on was TV. And yet, in our family, TV was rarely used in those first few years, and pretty much limited to 30-minutes a day until in elementary school. And those 30-minutes were usually PBS shows such as Mister Rogers and Reading Rainbow. Totally awesome, by the way. Often watched WITH us rather than used for me to get something done.

Ideas for you as you work at juggling the HARD of life:

Sometimes all we did was turn on a flashlight and hand it to our toddler or preschooler.Or a magnifying glass–that really got their attention as they focused on making things look BIG 🙂

A doll with a washcloth and a small tub with a tiny bit of water in it (a TINY bit if you want the mess to be minimal) has many young toddlers fascinated.

Have play dough available. Ever so soothing. Squish and poke and roll right up at the counter with you or settled in a high-chair or kitchen table.

Have paper and markers or crayons ready to roll. Or a collection of paper bags for them to scrunch, fill, dump, roll, wear. Scotch tape is a fun addition!

All of this? It requires a few things from you.

Then when all bets are off, exhaustion is too over the top, life is absolutely insane…a screen is okay.

Now using a screen is a treat, limited, useful, and no longer displacing all the hands-on, sensory and language rich, relationship based, whole body experiences our children need in order to grow well.

I hope you will share right here what works in your family to manage through the chaos without relying on a screen. Share your successes, your attempts, anything that you’ve done to minimize screens and maximize GROWTH. And find even more ideas here: MORE of What TO Do Instead of a Screen.

Sometimes it is the littlest thing that can make the biggest difference for a parent.

With appreciation and JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

A SUCCESS Story With(out) Screens…

November 9, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology, Story Time! Comment

A SUCCESS story to share from a parent committed to parenting positively and peacefully…

A 20-month-old toddler and Mama. Toddler screaming (and maybe Mama, as well?!). Fighting naps. Upset when being on a digital device is a “no”, unable to play on her own, resists resists resists, uncooperative…you name it and the HARD of toddler-hood was taking over.

Mama exhausted, exasperated, frustrated, and at the end of her rope. As you can well imagine. We’ve all been there. And here is where the story changes. Let it lift YOU and give you the encouragement you need today…

Mama reached out for support. Mama rolled up her sleeves, made some intentional choices and changes, stuck with them, and what a real and positive difference it made.

~SELF CARE. She was reminded to take care of her self–YES! As she said, “During her naps I’ve been trying to read, draw, write, drink tea and eat chocolate, whatever. I also try to get ready and look decent every day because it makes me feel better.” And when WE feel better our children do better...

~NO MORE SCREENS! A resounding YES from me! “I noticed when she was being challenging it was easy for me to let her watch TV or play on my phone. Cutting this out helped in a big way. We will probably introduce some screens again in the future, but not for a long time based on how it’s changed her behavior.”

This is a common result of limiting or eliminating screens for young children–their behavior ultimately changes for the better because now they are more likely getting what they really need-–hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship-based, whole body experiences.

They become more cooperative, independent, calm, able to truly get lost in their important work of PLAY. When use screens to distract, we are undermining our child’s ability to learn to understand and manage their feelings and behavior. We are saying, “you need this so you won’t do or feel that…” We are saying, “I don’t have confidence in your ability to manage your self…or my ability to handle your big feelings…” Probably not what any of us intend. With screen time removed, and a supportive Mama alongside, a toddler begins to grow the very ability we want to see more of–managing themselves well.

~PREDICTABLE SCHEDULE. Mama buckled down and began to keep the routine they already had generally in place STRICTLY in place. “I noticed that I couldn’t really expect her to get dressed after breakfast when some days we did and others we didn’t….she (now) knows what to expect and I know what expectations and limits I have, so I can follow through and hold strong to them.” What a way to communicate to her little one “You can count on what I say, I mean and will do.” What a way to build trust. What a way to help a toddler–with all the tumultuous and terrific independent growth–feel safe and secure.

~QUALITY TIME! “Sometimes as a stay-at-home-parent, I forget that just because I spend a lot of time with my daughter doesn’t mean it’s quality. I’ve been trying to spend at least an hour a day with my phone away in her play area just watching and joining in as she requests.” The magic here? Mama’s INTENTIONAL presence and putting her phone away is a HUGE step towards making that work. Now her toddler can–again–count on her Mama, feel important and connected, and feel Mama’s interest, love, and confidence in how she plays and explores and, ultimately, who she is becoming. So very cool.

~GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! “When my toddler was struggling I couldn’t imagine doing anything, let alone leaving the house. I started biting the bullet and we leave almost every day after breakfast to do something fun. It helps break up the day and it forces me to interact with real life people and put on a clean shirt.” Now THAT is self-care, as well. And getting outside? What a difference that can make. Outside OR in the car and off to some new venue. We used to head to the mall in the midst of our cold winters and wander around looking through store windows, exploring, marching along the hallways, maybe actually getting an errand done…and it felt good.

Now what is different for this Mama? “I’ve noticed less screaming, less fighting naps, no asking for screen time, more willing to play by herself, more willing to engage in tasks with me, more willing to follow my requests, less acting out, and just general better behavior. It’s not perfect, but we’re both trying and I started giving myself a lot more slack too.”

I love this story! Mama reached out when her frustration got too high. Mama PAUSED and considered where things did go well…and then acted upon this knowledge. Mama became way more intentional about what and how she did things. And as a result?

She and her daughter feel more connected. In a lovely way. In a cooperative, collaborative, calmer, caring way. In truly relationship-building ways. Calm connection leads the way…maybe not all the time, maybe not without a LOT of work…but that is okay for this parenting deal? It is a practice. There is no end goal, no perfection…just practice, growth, learning, and more practice.

Thank you to this Mama for letting me share her story. It’s ever-so-important because it demonstrates clearly how, as we take our attention off of screens and instead onto ourselves and the relationships we intend to grow, so many healthy things can emerge. More self-care. More PLAY. More connection. More resilience, patience, JOY.

Here’s to you today, tomorrow, and all your days as you intentionally focus on growing the kinds of relationships and creating the kinds of experiences you want the most.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

www.justaskalice.org

We Need to KNOW and Say NO

November 7, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

What would YOUR relationship with your child feel like if…

…they were regularly falling apart, melting down, having tantrums over, well, just about anything? No matter how calm, consistent, patient you were?

…their struggles in school escalated. Understanding math was real work. Reading was something they always needed help with. Writing–both the physical act and the creative–was near on impossible?

…they found it difficult to make friends, were teased and bullied often, maybe WERE the bully, themselves, or just refused to interact much with anybody?

…they were increasingly physically challenged, overweight, uncoordinated–noticeably so and to the point you enrolled them in whatever activity you could with them constantly melting down about it all?

…many of your attempts to engage your child, connect with them, truly enjoy them were resisted, ignored, or just not even recognized?

I think you’d feel frustrated, anxious, worried–deeply worried. I think you’d feel angry, resentful, exhausted. And I think, if this kind of behavior was increasingly the norm, your anxiety would be over-the-top.

How would your CHILD feel if…

…they often fell apart, melted down, had tantrums over, well, just about ANY thing? That their “norm” was always REACTIVE?

…they felt like a failure in school. That everything about math, reading, writing was just HARD?

…they were teased and bullied, ignored, alone. Or if they could only “make” friends by being the bully?

…they KNEW they were physically challenged, overweight, and uncoordinated–mostly because all the kids around them told them so?

…they couldn’t feel the connection and engagement you were trying ever so hard to have? That it just wasn’t “there” for them?

I think they’d feel at a total loss in life. Adrift. Confused. Unhappy. Angry. Depressed. A real lack of self-confidence. All of it.

And I KNOW–with no dancing around it any more–that what are now being called Sensory Deprivation Devices (aka Digital Devices) are becoming the greater and greater cause for the failure of truly healthy and optimal development for our children.

Stay with me, here. All of the relationship challenges I shared at the start? All are increasingly felt and experienced by parents, teachers, and children alike.

Something we know as a fact is how young children learn best–with their whole body, all their senses, within a secure and connected relationship with us.

Learning with their whole body makes them active learners, imposing their ideas, imagination, actions on the world around them. And it grows a brain that is incredibly rich in all the necessary neural pathways for all learning.

Enter in a digital device. Of which is an integral part of many children’s lives now. All the “learning” from a digital device? For young children there is little to no real learning. All that IS learned is that they are no longer active learners, imposing their imaginative ideas and actions on the world around them.

Instead, they become passive.

They sit (or wiggle or get antsy while all the while UN-able to disconnect) and stare at the screen. Maybe poke and swipe and tap and giggle, as they see they can make things happen. But those things? They really mean nothing, for our young children do not have the brain development to understand these symbols on a screen represent anything in real life. And by continuing on with so much screen use, they cannot develop the necessary and deeper understanding of and around these symbols.

Yes, they can recognize numbers and letters–makes us feel quite proud that they can! And yet, by continuing on with “learning” this way, we are actually displacing the ability to truly LEARN at the deeper, important level that grows our children well.

Think about this. When you think of a ball, for instance, maybe you think of a certain kind of ball because of your experience with balls. Maybe you can imagine holding one, bouncing one, rolling one. You can sense the weight as you consider a basketball or a bowling ball. You even have a memory of how one smells, often. You think about the catch game, the bowling game, the loud thunk of the volleyball on your arm and how it stung.

Talk about rich and meaningful and ESSENTIAL.

When you now see the symbol of a ball on a screen, all your hands-on experiences allow you to truly enjoy, relate to, understand that ball on the screen. Now take your child’s experience with the screen version–our child sitting on an app “playing” ball. NONE of what you know about balls is being learned. And now, because they are on a screen, the time they could be playing with a real ball has just been displaced. Again. Now they take their passive, one-dimensional “experience” with a ball and it becomes the filter by which they see and experience balls in the three-dimensional world. Very limiting. Especially when it comes to brain health.

This is extremely detrimental to your child’s healthy and optimal growth. And it has become the norm. We have bought into screens and all things digital as an essential part of our child’s life and, hence, development.

Consider brain development.

Between birth and age 3 the brain grows to 80% of its final adult size. 90% by age 5. And all that growing? It is about neural pathways being developed. What grows these neural pathways?Hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship based, whole body experiences. In front of a screen? It is a fairly limited landscape, the brain. How scary is that? We see the results as our kids move through school…life…and they struggle. More and more. And it’s becoming “normal” to many, all this struggle. The cumulative effects of all this screen time is being seen–in schools, in homes, within relationships.

What CAN we do?

Oh it really is so very simple. It may take some adjustment for those who are immersed in digital devices, and yet it really is still simple.

PLAY. A child’s most important work is play.

Really, this is what it comes down to for young children–and I will include kids well into elementary school for this. PLAY. REAL play. Play that is non-adult directed. Play with open-ended items rather than commercialized figures–you know, all those toys that represent something someone else made up, and what someone else determined what to do with them.

Play with balls, blocks, Lego. Play with paper and crayons and markers. Play with play-dough and popsicle sticks. Play with dirt and water and rocks and moss and leaves. Play with books books books. Play with blankets and boxes and daddy’s big boots. Play outdoors, under tables, with flashlights.

PLAY that allows them to process feelings, upsetting experiences, changes in their lives. It is through play that kids learn to understand and manage LIFE. As we increasingly take it away, they are left adrift. unable to manage themselves in so many ways. Hence so many troubles increasing for our children, and for us.

PLAY IS the way children grow best. And it is being taken away. As time with devices accumulates:

Children struggle with learning. With math and numbers and quantities and spatial concepts. They struggle with comprehending stories, words, lessons. They have a hard time imagining and creating pictures in their mind as they listen.

Children struggle connecting with others–building friendships, being a friend, negotiating, problem solving.

Children struggle with feelings–they just don’t have the inner resilience as things disappoint or fail and they melt down. Tantrum. Fall apart. Act out and hurt another or themselves.

Children struggle with weight, physical well-being, coordination. How can they truly know how their body works in space when they’ve spent so much time on a screen? Talk to high school coaches for their take on this one…

Children struggle with relating to US. To parents. We begin to lose them. Ask parents of teenagers.

I ask each and every one of you to PAUSE and truly consider the real and life-changing deprivation caused by over-use or inappropriate use of digital devices.

To think about just how and why apps are advertised as something that will “spark your child’s imagination!” or “grow their math skills!”. Consider the marketing and who is doing the marketing. Think about how you really hope to “see” your child as they head off into the world as an adult. Consider what kind of relationships you intend and thoroughly relish. Consider your child’s ability to think, reflect, imagine, create, problem solve, focus, persevere, connect, feel strong from the inside out.

Mostly, consider what YOU can do differently to be sure your child is being enriched by plenty of hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship based, whole body PLAY. Take steps to keep all device time minimal or if you feel already lost to all of it and want to know WHAT to do, start with giving your child time to squish play-dough at the dining room table. Alongside you, initially, if they need practice at playing. Or coloring. Or just reading books. Stick with it, as you create a bit of change in your house-hold. Trust your child to want to play. It is their work, it is what they are wired to do. Give them the space, time, and environment in which they can and watch the magic begin.

That’s all. Start there. Keep incorporating more time for PLAY and less–WAY less–time for devices.

In time you will notice things to feel better–for you and your child. You will notice they manage themselves a bit better, feel more encouraged in school, want to connect with you, have friends over, know themselves better, eat and sleep better, everything. It really does change for the better–the MUCH better–as you intentionally make regular time to step away from all those Sensory Deprivation Devices.

It is essential we do so. Our children need us to KNOW what’s healthy and good and say NO to all things screens…and YES to being Tech Intentional in all we do.

Take steps today to help your child thrive. Need more? Check out the Screen Time Network. Full of community, resources, research–so much that can help you feel confident in bringing digital wellness into your family. Check out Dr. Nancy Carlsson-Paige‘s video on Technology and Young Children, and her guide for parents, as well.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Getting Lost in Lego!

October 8, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

I recently had the great pleasure and privilege of watching a two-year old get totally immersed in…

LEGO.

I know, Lego is for a bit older child. Lego is tricky to manipulate for little hands. Lego is a choking hazard. But here’s the deal, this toddler? I know him. Just as you know yours. I know what he can and cannot do and he had my full presence as he discovered the container of Lego on my shelf. Safety was not a concern. Frustration over little pieces not a concern, either, for I knew this little guy. He has always been allowed to work on his own on things his way–and frustration rarely occurs. He seems to always manage to figure things out…or ask for help when he’s ready. So Lego it was.

Lego. Not the kind that is only “in a kit” that makes certain things. I’m talking the Lego that is all jumbled together full of magical pieces and shapes and the gateway to all things imaginative and creative.

Here’s what I noticed…and so thoroughly enjoyed! We were looking for “a guy” to sit in a toy tractor I had. Down came the long plastic box of mixed up Lego. Mr. Two’s eyes got just a bit wider.

His hands went in and did just what I remembered doing as a child–swimming through all the pieces…back and forth…listening to that wonderful sound of crackles and clicks and shuffles and however Lego sounds to you. Mr. Two discovered “a guy.” This guy had a helmet on his head–“Just like Papa!” Mr Two exclaimed.

The Guy fit into the tractor…but back to that magnetic draw of a container of Lego. Swish swish went his hands. “More guys!” as he discovered other “peoples” and their various hats. Then…”A PLANE!” as he pulled out a creation built by a certain 7-year-old in my life. “No propeller…” and back into the box he swished….

Mr. Two explored and swished and worked and talked and got totally immersed and lost in this Lego for the better part of an hour.

Just think–totally lost in.

Thinking his own thoughts, using his hands, coming up with his own ideas, listening and imagining and creating.

Real learning. REAL learning. This is so essential for our children!

Time to get lost in their play. Hands on, sensory and language rich (oh, how he was talking, using new words, asking questions, musing to himself…), relationship based (I was near and available) play.

So LEGO it is at my house. I know, without a doubt, when Mr. Two returns, he will once again seek out my container of Lego, plunk himself down, swish his way through, and do the work of a child. Including filling up that tractor we started with with all the Lego that can fit in its trailer. Now THAT is a puzzle for a two-year-old.

What a gift to a child.

Lengthy time to get immersed in their work.

PLAY.

Today, find the space and time to give YOUR child an opportunity to do their work. At length. Lost in and immersed and thinking their own thoughts. Hands on. What a way to build healthy brains…healthy relationships…healthy everything.

Our Children NEED Us

June 11, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, School and education, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

Warning–I’m stepping up on a soap box, here–and would like to make room for you to stand beside me. (If you are a parent of a baby, this absolutely pertains to you, as well…this is where it all begins and can be changed).

It is past time to get serious.

I, and many, many others (professionals and parents alike) are hearing how incredibly HARD and overwhelming and confusing all things SCREENS has become.

We are caught between “My kids are growing up in this tech world and have to learn how to live and work in it–hence, I’m going to let him have access to all things digital”…

To…

“I just don’t know what to DO. My child won’t listen, come to the table, stop playing on his device, is often testy and even angry, and I just feel LOST in how to GET HIM TO STOP”

To…

“I’m very, very frightened.”

This, from many, MANY parents of teens (12 on up) who are depressed, anxious, suicidal. Who are addicted, lost, shut out of the family, unable to connect with others, irritable at best, suicidal at worst. The numbers have gone rocketing skyward this past decade…just as our digital device and screen use has, as well. Lots of research on this one.

This is our culture and lives as we immerse ourselves ever deeper into digital devices. We have bought into what all the makers of all things digital are feeding us. That we NEED this. And yet, not only are they the ones keeping their own children away from them, they are also the ones saying they develop these in such a way to BE addicting. That way we do need them. And we spend our money, immerse ourselves deeper, and then our need becomes addiction. Many of us have felt this pull.

Many of us have gone down the rabbit hole all the way to anxiety and depression. Maybe you, reading this right now, realize you are one. I know I’ve been there.

We are losing our kids to all of this, too.

And many of our schools (even as teachers are expressing real concern and discontent over this) are buying into it fully. Screens are all the way down into Kindergarten, and many preschools as well. Families are handing their infants and toddlers their phone to play on…an iPad to sit in front of…remember that iPotty that was marketed for awhile? Scary.

Middle and High schools are wanting kids to bring in their smart phones–ostensibly for using as part of their classroom work–and yet, what do we know about this age group? Far more interested in peers…and this takes them to social media, porn, all things centered around what matters most to them–friends and sex and independence (from us).

**What is considered best practices when it comes to teaching?**

Research for decades has shown “hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship based, whole body experiences” to be. Not sitting in front of screens at length. (And yes, screen use within a rich and diverse curriculum is an entirely different story yet a seldom heard one–probably because they become the emphasis rather than just a part).

What to do?

ASK your schools HOW they know screens are the way children learn best. Find out what they’ve noticed as a result of incorporating screens. Talk to the teachers (many of whom are equally concerned and frustrated). Ask them to SHOW you the research they are basing all this on. There is plenty of research to show otherwise.

ASK yourself how YOUR use of your phone or other devices is truly helping you build connected, respectful relationships with your children. Oh heck–with your SELF.

ASK yourself just what you want the most as you think to the future with your children–what kind of family life, what kind of relationships, what kind of LEARNER do you want to send out into the world? Then think about right now. What are you doing to support just what you hope for. What MORE can you do? And how much of it is about managing your own screen time so your children can learn to manage theirs?

ASK yourself what you need for yourself that you can stand strong and clear in saying NO to your child begging for a smart phone. NO to “but everyone else is doing it, mom!” NO to distracted interactions. NO to “just one more text, post, movie, You Tube, video game…”

Our children need us.

To feel empowered to stand for what, in our gut, we know is right and good and all things growth oriented.

To go to the teachers, schools, administrators, and any one else you can and tell them NO to all things screens in your schools.

To educate yourself on just what best practices and developmentally appropriate means for each age and stage.

To stand for the kind of hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship based learning environments kids do best in.

To go to EACH OTHER and support, encourage, talk. It’s going to take a serious village to get a handle on our screen use so we CAN grow in healthy ways. We need each other.

It’s going to take a village to stand up to the makers of all things tech/digital/screen and say NO we don’t NEED this in order to live and be well. That designing things in such a way they become addicting is NEVER okay.

We have to work hard at swinging our culture towards healthy living, relating, growing, thriving. It is going to take YOU. Starting today and becoming clear and intentional about what is important for you and your family. And then being the parent and standing for it. Strongly.

No matter how your child or others react–stand strong, clear, certain in your intent to grow healthy everything in your family.

There is plenty of help for you. There are plenty of others walking your path. Join them. Be vocal. Share your own struggles. Come up with small steps towards balance with all things screens.

Want to explore more? Check out the Children’s Screen Time Network. Check out the link to their conference. Lots of info waiting for you there. Check out their resources. Amazing. Take a look at an article I wrote We Need to KNOW and Say NO

Let’s get the conversation and then the action going. Share right here, share on my Facebook page. Share your questions, concerns, what IS working.

Let’s help everyone become more aware and educated on what is happening, with the hope being all of you just starting out on your parenting journey will begin today, with your baby, to choose actions that strengthen connection, respect, healthy growth and development.

Okay. I’m stepping to the side of my soap box. Making room for YOU to stand alongside me.

Our children need us.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
www.denaliparentcoaching.com

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