Something I want to be clear about is how I came to my continual mantra of respectful parenting.
Maybe you think I’ve done it “right” as I’ve raised my two daughters. Maybe you think, “Oh man, if I can only live those words Alice speaks of…” Or perhaps you throw up your arms and think you could never step into pausing and calming yourself enough to let go of trying to control your child so you can feel better.
Well, let me be clear that I am where I am and share the insights and wisdom I share BECAUSE of all my struggle at control.
Controlling my daughters in such a way that they were sure to excel. That way I could feel like a success!
Controlling my husband in such a way that he’d parent the way I wanted him to…because, of course, how I did it was the right way. Right?
Controlling my daughters so they wouldn’t make mistakes that I’d feel uncomfortable with. Like teen pregnancy. Or drugs and alcohol. Or a speeding ticket. Or failing a class. Or failing at a sport. Failing, period.
I struggled, just like you. I shared recently Dr Justin Coulson’s video clip “How to Raise an Independent Child with the Right Values”–all about building great relationships. It’s important.
You know where I didn’t struggle? With my babies and toddlers. Preschool age sorta threw me–it’s that control thing. Preschoolers are all about “out-of-bounds” in everything they think, feel, and do–demanding greater autonomy. I was all about growing independent future adults.
My way. 
And preschool years helped me grow a bit (alot)…learn just what kind of autonomy was important at that age.
Then I was challenged GREATLY once again come teen years. And it took my eldest showing me the way as I (eventually) learned to let go a bit more.
I had a choice–to wreck my relationship with her or to continue to build it in positive ways.
I had to let go. I had to get clear about all of her strengths and abilities and then TRUST her. Trust my influence. Let go of my control. It wasn’t necessarily pretty at times. And other times? It was wonderful. She was an amazing Practice Child. Her sister reaped at least some of the benefits…though of course, she brought new challenges to the table… 🙂
I worked at myself, for that is what all of this parenting is about. Growing ourselves so we can step in respectfully, as the positive influence we’d like to be, being sure to deposit into the kind of relationship we want the most.
I learned that “failing” is okay. That really, this is where amazing growth emerges. Failing. Struggle. Name it how you’d like, it is all about helping us do the growing we need to do. From the inside-out.
I’m still a work in progress. I’m still working at letting go, of controlling myself instead of others. I work hard at being present, period. Present to whom I am with, where I am at, how I am feeling, what I am thinking.
Parenting requires our growth. You can do it.
I did, have, and continue to.
All that I write? It comes from STRUGGLE. My struggle. I share my work and words that have come as a result of my struggle because I KNOW the difference it makes, how important it is, how we all need encouragement and support to live and parent well.
Relationships are important. You can have GREAT ones. They matter. To you, your child, our world. Let’s do them well. So here’s to you. And me. May my words continue to lift and inspire you…or at least bring you a bit of a smile and a lot of relief.
I care.
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2019 Alice Hanscam