A story for you…
A proud mama moment that hopefully can encourage you to keep on role-modeling, for our children really DO pick things up from us:
A young teen invited to join her 21-year-old cousin for a day trip to Seattle’s Pike Place Market. 
A 21-year-old aware of how her young cousin is directed in all things in life by well-meaning parents wanting to make sure she thinks, feels, and does things the ‘right’ way (their way).
A young teen who is quiet, compliant, rarely decisive about what she’d like to do. Her older cousin wanting very much to encourage her to take charge of herself and be decisive. Her older cousin wanting to ‘deposit’ into her relationship with her young teen cousin and really make a difference in her life. (That right there is enough to make a mama proud…)
Here’s what left me feeling such gratefulness that my daughter not only has heard me, but believes in what I do and strives to walk a similar route because she sees how essential it is for another to grow well:
“Mom, you know that “responsible to and responsible for”
thing you talk about–that we aren’t responsible for how another thinks, feels, and behaves?”
“Yes…” (Wow, I’m thinking…I had no idea she’d paid attention to this…)
“Well, it was really tough at the Pike Place Market with cousin, because I couldn’t tell if she was wanting to be there, if she was enjoying it, what she wanted to do. I remembered that I didn’t need to take responsibility for her experience…I decided to let go of needing to know if she was having fun or not and focus on having fun, period.”
And what unfolded was an older cousin letting her younger cousin know that “I love the comic store here and I could take hours in it–so when you are ready to move on, let me know!” “I’d like to visit the candy store–do you want to join me?” “What part of the Pike Place do you want to be sure to see?”
She avoided saying, “Are you sure…?” to any of her young cousin’s “I don’t know…I guess so…maybe…(shrug shoulders)” answers. She instead respected her enough to accept it at face value and let her young cousin know instead what SHE was going to do–giving her young cousin the opportunity to decide for herself whether or not to join in.
What did the 21-year-old communicate by letting go of taking
responsibility for her young cousin’s experience?
I believe she communicated respect. I believe she communicated “I trust you to know just what it is you’d like to do.” I believe she communicated her confidence in her young teen’s ability to be decisive–to make a choice and manage the results of her choice. I believe this 21-year-old gave her young cousin the opportunity to learn a little more about herself and what she likes and doesn’t like–truly part of growing a self-directed adult who can be decisive.
What did the 21-year-old learn?
That she can manage her OWN discomfort over not knowing whether the person with her is having fun–and that is huge. Instead of letting her discomfort lead the way and start trying to do whatever she could to make sure her young cousin was having fun, she calmed her anxiety down and instead just focused on enjoying herself–something she could control, something she was responsible for–herself.
What might the young teen have learned?
I believe she had the opportunity to learn to trust herself a bit more. To discover what she likes and doesn’t like, to feel safe with and accepted by her cousin, to ultimately learn more about herself, her abilities, her feelings, her desires. And maybe even realize she CAN be decisive about what she wants!
The result? The two of them had a nice and satisfying afternoon exploring all the shops at the Pike Place Market. They grew closer as cou
sins. Memories were made. And maybe, just maybe this young teen cousin felt the confidence communicated by her older cousin and will let this nudge her forward as she grows her ability to be decisive, to take charge of herself, to decide on her own what she likes, what is her responsibility, what she can do…to really know herself from the inside out. (She has some pretty awesome older cousins role-modeling just this as they spend time with her. How cool is that?)
I am proud of (both!) my daughter’s ability to observe, listen, and decide on their own to embrace much of what I do. To try it on for size and see how it feels. To notice the difference it can make in relationships. To live it for themselves. To connect with and encourage others by just being true to what they believe. This leaves me smiling from the inside out!
My moment to share with you.
Now go role-model just what you believe in. Know that your children–no matter their age–are absorbing your actions.
They are listening. They are learning from you every moment of the day. Make it a gift to them and show them how you live just what you believe. It is important. It is necessary. In time (maybe a l.o.n.g time!) you will see the results of all your hard work.
And it can put a smile on your face and in your heart and fill you with joy…
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam