Tag: gratefulness

The Power of Role Modeling

November 3, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Story Time! Comment

A story for you…

A proud mama moment that hopefully can encourage you to keep on role-modeling, for our children really DO pick things up from us:

A young teen invited to join her 21-year-old cousin for a day trip to Seattle’s Pike Place Market. 

A 21-year-old aware of how her young cousin is directed in all things in life by well-meaning parents wanting to make sure she thinks, feels, and does things the ‘right’ way (their way).

A young teen who is quiet, compliant, rarely decisive about what she’d like to do. Her older cousin wanting very much to encourage her to take charge of herself and be decisive. Her older cousin wanting to ‘deposit’ into her relationship with her young teen cousin and really make a difference in her life. (That right there is enough to make a mama proud…)

Here’s what left me feeling such gratefulness that my daughter not only has heard me, but believes in what I do and strives to walk a similar route because she sees how essential it is for another to grow well:

“Mom, you know that “responsible to and responsible for”

thing you talk about–that we aren’t responsible for how another thinks, feels, and behaves?”

 

“Yes…” (Wow, I’m thinking…I had no idea she’d paid attention to this…)

“Well, it was really tough at the Pike Place Market with cousin, because I couldn’t tell if she was wanting to be there, if she was enjoying it, what she wanted to do. I remembered that I didn’t need to take responsibility for her experience…I decided to let go of needing to know if she was having fun or not and focus on having fun, period.”

And what unfolded was an older cousin letting her younger cousin know that “I love the comic store here and I could take hours in it–so when you are ready to move on, let me know!” “I’d like to visit the candy store–do you want to join me?” “What part of the Pike Place do you want to be sure to see?”

She avoided saying, “Are you sure…?” to any of her young cousin’s “I don’t know…I guess so…maybe…(shrug shoulders)” answers. She instead respected her enough to accept it at face value and let her young cousin know instead what SHE was going to do–giving her young cousin the opportunity to decide for herself whether or not to join in.

What did the 21-year-old communicate by letting go of taking

responsibility for her young cousin’s experience?

 

I believe she communicated respect. I believe she communicated “I trust you to know just what it is you’d like to do.” I believe she communicated her confidence in her young teen’s ability to be decisive–to make a choice and manage the results of her choice. I believe this 21-year-old gave her young cousin the opportunity to learn a little more about herself and what she likes and doesn’t like–truly part of growing a self-directed adult who can be decisive.

What did the 21-year-old learn?

 

That she can manage her OWN discomfort over not knowing whether the person with her is having fun–and that is huge. Instead of letting her discomfort lead the way and start trying to do whatever she could to make sure her young cousin was having fun, she calmed her anxiety down and instead just focused on enjoying herself–something she could control, something she was responsible for–herself.

What might the young teen have learned?

 

I believe she had the opportunity to learn to trust herself a bit more.  To discover what she likes and doesn’t like, to feel safe with and accepted by her cousin, to ultimately learn more about herself, her abilities, her feelings, her desires. And maybe even realize she CAN be decisive about what she wants!

The result? The two of them had a nice and satisfying afternoon exploring all the shops at the Pike Place Market. They grew closer as cousins. Memories were made. And maybe, just maybe this young teen cousin felt the confidence communicated by her older cousin and will let this nudge her forward as she grows her ability to be decisive, to take charge of herself, to decide on her own what she likes, what is her responsibility, what she can do…to really know herself from the inside out. (She has some pretty awesome older cousins role-modeling just this as they spend time with her. How cool is that?)

I am proud of (both!) my daughter’s ability to observe, listen, and decide on their own to embrace much of what I do. To try it on for size and see how it feels. To notice the difference it can make in relationships. To live it for themselves. To connect with and encourage others by just being true to what they believe. This leaves me smiling from the inside out!

My moment to share with you.

Now go role-model just what you believe in. Know that your children–no matter their age–are absorbing your actions.

Find Alice’s books here!

They are listening. They are learning from you every moment of the day. Make it a gift to them and show them how you live just what you believe. It is important. It is necessary. In time (maybe a l.o.n.g time!) you will see the results of all your hard work.

And it can put a smile on your face and in your heart and fill you with joy…

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2018 Alice Hanscam

In Honor of Mothers

May 8, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Self-care, Story Time! Comment

We are mothers. We all have stories to share.

An excerpt from “Parenting Through Relationship” for you:

In honor of YOU for Mother’s Day, and in honor of the most difficult and rewarding job you are in the midst of, and in honor of the village it takes to support a mother well, here are a few stories of mine to bring a smile to your face, a bit of understanding to your heart, a chance to feel all the good company you have as you move along your parenting journey…

…being sleep deprived for months on end and trying once, for one hour on one evening, to let my baby cry herself to sleep.

…being blown out of the water by the transition from a terrific two-year-old to an out-of-bounds, testing, cranky 3-year-old (and here I was supposed to ‘know’ what to do, since this IS my profession!) and crying on her preschool teacher’s shoulders as I struggled with this chaos presented to me.

…totally confused over what consequence I needed to impart to ‘make my child behave.’

…captivated by how my little ones explored, how absorbed they were in little things like lids on containers, buds on bushes, dried up moose poop and how it crumbles when you squash it 

…being in tears over the mean girl stuff and hurt feelings my elementary girls found themselves in the midst of…and wondering what I needed to do. That was a really tough one.

…having times of sheer frustration of THAT TONE of my teen, of the eye rolling, the sarcasm, the desire for greater independence (which meant I had to calm myself down and let go of the control I so wished I could hang on to!).

…being totally delighted as I watched my girls in any and all of their endeavors–whether it was organized sports, a neighborhood capture the flag game, music performances, a teen party that ended in a pool-noodle-whack-fest.

...praying with my husband that our two young adult daughters were safe and sound even though they were hours overdue and up in the snowy mountains of Oregon.

…standing by my NO–and caving in just as often.

...struggling with leaving my young daughters with their first babysitter…oh heck, just finding the babysitter I could trust completely!! No one is like mom…right?

...being unable to tear my eyes away from my (finally!) sound asleep and simply adorable babies–even thought I had a ton of chores to catch up on!

…staying up w-a-y too late just to actually have a quiet conversation with my husband and paid for it by exhaustion the next day. Oh, but it was worth it. So was conquering the always growing pile of laundry. Felt good, waking up the next day with THAT job out of the way.

I’ve laughed, cried, relished, cherished, fought, yelled, hugged, fallen asleep while reading endless piles of books, and was a short order cook on many occasions. Just like each of you. My stories are how I got to where I am now, to being able to share with you, support and encourage you, hopefully inspire you. Your stories can do the same for others.

Parenting is simply the most rewarding and most difficult

job we will ever do; we need each other to carry us along.

I hope you will consider me a part of YOUR village. My work is here to support, encourage, and empower YOU.

Make YOUR Mother’s Day as special as you are.

Find Alice’s books here!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2019 Alice Hanscam

The Kindness of Strangers

March 8, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, School and education, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

In light of all the upfront and center news that can drag us down and leave us wondering what is happening to humanity, I’d like to share something small and meaningful (and yes, sad) that I witnessed recently...and because I firmly believe what we focus on grows, I encourage each of you to share (here or elsewhere!) things that have left you feeling equally filled and lifted.

Things filled with the kind, caring, joyful, compassionate humanity that surrounds us every single day.

Here’s my story…

A busy street.

A small, small dog. Obviously no longer alive. In the middle of this busy street.

Many a car swerving around this little guy. Mine included–and since my destination was less than a block away, by the time I got out of my car I was torn and heartbroken. Someone’s lovely little pup was gone.  

I stepped into the store and asked if someone could join me to backtrack and hopefully scoop the little body up and at the very least set it to the side of the road…respectfully, carefully. And maybe, who knows, there’ll be a collar on this pup.

A clerk grabbed a small blanket and off we went.

And here is what completely touched both me and the clerk so very, very deeply.

By the time we returned–only minutes following my passing this little dog, cars were stopped in the street–both directions and on the nearby intersection, as well–and people from two other cars were out gently tending to this little guy.

And each and every car in line–both directions on this busy street–had their hazard lights on and blinking. Taking real care that anyone approaching from either direction would slow and stop as well. And they did. With lights on and blinking.

The clerk and I slowed, watched, and felt that moment of respect and gratefulness for all who paused to quietly wait and perhaps even grieve a bit. It felt like the moment of silence we give those who’ve passed at special ceremonies. Maybe someone in one of those cars was anxious to move on, who knows. But with hazard lights on, it felt more like a community pulling together for a brief moment to support others in their sadness.

We both found ourselves crying–for the little moment of PAUSE everyone on their busy way gave; for the sadness a family was sure to be immersed in; for the little dog who, probably out of joy for a bit of freedom, had run right out into this street; for the compassion shared.

Really, it was a beautiful moment. One filled with compassion, connection, even a quiet joy in the midst of very real pain.

These little moments? They count. And they can

make our world better.

I feel grateful I witnessed it.

Find Alice’s books here!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2018 Alice Hanscam

With Gratitude

November 16, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Social Emotional Comment

Thanksgiving. Gratefulness. They go together, don’t they?

And yet gratefulness can so often be defined by loss and sadness. Perhaps that is why we feel the grateful well up inside us…

I’m thinking of any and all loss due to storms, fires, tragic events. I’m thinking Mister Rogers, almost daily right now as fires rage in areas not far from many I know and love. Because Mister Rogers? He spoke always of looking for the helpers. 

And it is in looking for the helpers that our deeply felt gratefulness arises. For it is the helpers who take what has been total loss, overwhelming grief, you name it, and given all of it a safe place to be felt, processed, managed, and–hopefully and in time–moved through.

It is looking for and finding all those who, no matter the tragedy and loss surrounding them, are rolling up their sleeves, reaching out, helping. Maybe through seemingly little things such as providing shelter for someone’s pets as they scramble to also find housing for their family…

Maybe by providing dry socks and underwear. Or a solid meal. Water. A hug. Maybe they are making the calls the ones hit by tragedy are unable to.

Perhaps those helpers are the ones physically present to the broken-hearted and overwhelmed and are ***just*** listening. Being there. Walking alongside. Encouraging when possible. Keeping company for sure.

Perhaps it is those willing to go back “in” to where things happened and find personal items for those who can’t. Or dig up all the extra blankets and books and clothing needed and making sure they get handed out to those who need them the most.

Definitely the helpers are the front-liners–firefighters, medical professionals, police, EMTs, search and rescue folks, the Red Cross…oh so many.

Looking for and BEING a helper

fills us with the relief, gratitude, compassion that makes a real and positive and meaningful difference to all.

 

This Thanksgiving? Every day? I am grateful to each and every one of you who are reaching out to help anyone in your life or community who is in need. We really can make a real difference in our world by doing just this. Little ways. Big ways. No matter. Just DOING.

Make your Thanksgiving full of gratitude. Maybe defined by loss and sadness, maybe one full of joy. Maybe both. What we focus on grows and GRATITUDE is powerful.

Find Alice’s books here!

May you each have time with those you love in the next few days…

With gratitude,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2018 Alice Hanscam

Mister Rogers. A Champion for All.

September 24, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Social Emotional Comment

I am incredibly moved. Tears in my eyes kind of moved. I share this again because I saw this documentary again. And again, I was incredibly moved.   https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=3&v=FhwktRDG_aQ

Mister Rogers–a champion of all things children

is becoming a champion for all. 

 

He was, always has been, and continues to be a hero of mine, a hero of many of yours, a definite hero of children.  I have turned to him over the years to be reminded of, encouraged and inspired by his quiet, calm reassurance. I have always seen him as a person to aspire to. He is a man of integrity. He spoke and lived with the respectful presence and quiet certainty that has, can, and will hopefully continue to change our world in powerful ways.

I know for some, his slower way of speaking is difficult to listen to. We make jokes about it, we feel a tad uncomfortable at times, we stop listening as a result.

If you haven’t seen when he spoke at a Senate hearing:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9uIJ-o2yqQ

…then I encourage you to do so.

It speaks (yes, slowly) VOLUMES of how, when we PAUSE and really, truly listen, we can change the world. Mister Rogers did at this Senate hearing; he does still, years after his passing. Despite many of us being uncomfortable with his way of being.

Mister Rogers was a pro when it came to feelings–and being comfortable in all feelings–yours, mine, his. Hence, despite many adults feeling odd around his slow, measured self–he has made the kind of positive impact that is expanding in infinite ways.

He can be a lesson in patience. He can be the role-model for the kind of authenticity we need more of. He can show all of us what can be deeply meaningful and important for any and all relationships. We can chuckle about it. We can look the other way. And yet, Mister Rogers? He stays steady and certain in all that is Right and Good for children. For us.

I am grateful he is, long after his passing, becoming a shining example of the love, light, and goodness so essential for living well.

 

“…each child, if you truly listen to him or her, is a universe of thought and feeling and what we owe every one of them is to hear who, exactly, they are. That’s how you build a sane society.” (Mister Rogers)

“He is needed because of his quiet calm reassurance, love and how he helps you manage your feelings–even hard ones like anger, fear, and grief.” (Reviewer)

“…if we make feelings mentionable and manageable…(a child can have) the good feeling of control…” (Mister Rogers)

“.. .it’s an invitation for somebody to be close to you. The greatest thing we can do is to help somebody know they are loved and capable of loving.” (Mister Rogers)

“…it is essential for us to make ‘goodness’ a foundation.”
(Mister Rogers)

Thank you, Mister Rogers, for continuing to radiate the love, light, compassion, and genuine care we all need more of. May we all be lifted so we can lift others along our way.

For that is what this really is all about–growing

ourselves in such a way we can be the one to lift another in times of need; to be the one receptive to another’s care and compassion so we can be lifted.

Find Alice’s books here!

You know, it really does take a village of caring neighbors.

Won’t you be my neighbor?

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
www.justaskalice.org
©2018 Alice Hanscam

A Tribute to My Mom

July 26, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Story Time! 2 Comments

I’ve been reflecting quite a bit since my mother passed this spring.

I find myself thinking about what a powerful influence we are for our children and my mom was for me and my girls. We often are so stressed about what we are doing and how we are doing it when it comes to raising children. Maybe pausing a moment and having me share a few of the things that have left a huge impact on me over time can help YOU pay more attention to some of those little things whether it is for your own child or another in your life.

Because, really, this is all about depositing into healthy, respectful, truly connected relationships.  And my mom had a knack for that.        

I am grateful for having in my heart forever and for always:

The twinkle in your eyes that you seemed to have every single day as long as I can remember. The twinkle as you lit up each time we saw each other, each time you re-connected with your granddaughters. The twinkle, the smile, the JOY that, as you grew older, came out through tears, as well .

How you never asked me to clean up my room--you just had me shut the door when we had company over . You gave me a space for me to be fully in charge of. I learned a lot from that…(and often reflected on when my own daughters’ rooms could have used a bulldozer to make a path through…)

How you always were someone I could count on to listen and HEAR me, and then offer a bit of wisdom that seemed to always be just right. And if it wasn’t, that was okay, too. I just knew you’d listen. How cool is that? I’m still working on doing that with my girls as well as you did for me.

How you plunked yourself down on my young teen daughter’s bed and admired every single one of her posters–especially enjoying the cute guy ones together…something important to a 14-year-old . And you knew that.

The respect, care, and compassion you showed for all animals--except for maybe that rat that showed up in our toilet bowl. That was rather icky and I still remember that! And how this respect, care, and compassion has rippled out to impact my life and my daughters’ in profound ways.

How you let me stay home from school the day my rabbit died.

How I, as a parent, began reflecting on all YOU did as a parent–wondering often how you and dad actually handled with such grace what I now know to be incredibly stressful, confusing, even scary. And then I try to emulate that…the grace part .

How you built relationships with my girls long-distance. Letters. Cards. Packages. Stories stories stories. And how they both relished these, kept them, and now have them even though you are gone. Thank you for that.

How you knew EXACTLY what my brothers and I were creating in the sandbox–that hole we covered with a bit of paper then sprinkled with sand…and then invited you out to walk across our Treacherous Tiger Trap. You knew, because you watched us from out the kitchen window. But you never gave it away and the good sport you were had you walking tentatively across our Treacherous Tiger Trap…and “falling” in ever so safely. Boy did we think we had you! You really were such a good sport. And you gave us space to play without adult company or seemingly watchful eyes (and constant input). That space? Ever so valuable. Something I absolutely gave your granddaughters.

How you let me lick the cookie dough. Yum. My girls, too. Being up at the counter with you (and my girls with me) cooking and measuring and licking…I still enjoy all things baking! Your granddaughters are, by the way, excellent cooks. See how your influence rippled out?!

The birthday parties and wonderfully creative cakes you made for us! Oh how that was special. So special that I had fun over the years doing the same for my girls. And now they enjoy doing them for others. A legacy from you, for certain.

All the games you played with me when I was little and more recently with my girls, husband, and myself. Your spunk and resolve to learn new games as your memory began to fail..and laugh at yourself as you had to ask and ask again how to play. And card games! I can still see you at our kitchen table with little Becky or little Emily next to you, working hard at fanning out their cards and studying the numbers and colors…all while you sat with them fully present, giving them the time and encouragement they needed to work those rascally cards. Your joy and patience ruled.

How your love for and delight in children influenced me in profound ways. And continues to. My girls, too.

I think, one of the things I’m going to miss the most is sharing all the little and big things we both love about children–from babies’ toes to scrunched up noses to squatting down on chubby legs to study a ladybug to collections of all kinds of things to posters covering walls in bedrooms to the school events when we’d both notice the restless little boy in the back row or the little girl leaning over to whisper really loud to another to those wonderfully proud moments of things won/earned/discovered to you name it and I’m going to miss sharing these with you.

Mostly I just hope that, because of you, I continue to influence my girls and others in similar ways. The work I do is because of you. Maybe that is one of your most important legacies. Work with families to parent well, be lifted, feel empowered, and experience real JOY.  And JOY is what you fill my heart with. How cool is that? May I do as you have done–spread JOY.

To all you mamas out there–today, pause and appreciate yourself and all you do–little or big–with your children. Know that you are influencing them in lifelong ways. Be intentional with what you do and how you do it. And always allow yourself a bit of grace for the hard and messy. Then maybe twinkles and light and JOY can step up and lead the way.

And what a difference that can make.   

I miss you mom. I treasure all my memories and I am deeply grateful for YOU.  I’m glad I’ve shared that with you over the years…

Find Alice’s books here!


Alice

Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam