I had an email recently from a parent who was sad. Crummy, reactive interactions have been defining his relationship with his young teen daughter. He has read my book, “Parenting Inspired,” yet still wonders, “Is it too late to have a positive and healthy relationship?”
NO.
It is never too late to deposit into your
relationships in relationship building ways. It is never too
late to create positive change.
I wrote to this parent that he had LOTS of company when it came to “crappy interactions” that then leave us feeling bad, guilty, consumed.
I shared how many a morning interaction in our household with teen daughters turned AWFUL and off to school the girls went, and I was left with overwhelming guilt and bad feelings.
When they’d come home in the afternoon they’d be well beyond whatever we parted with…yet I was there “needing” the re-connection in order to feel better. Not a healthy way to be. Their ability to let it go and move on was a constant reminder to me of where I needed to grow.
I told him to start with being kind to himself. Take care of his upset, do what you need to do just for you to start to settle and feel a bit better. Self-care…pausing…absolutely necessary.
I talked about the stage of increased independence young teens are in–an absolutely necessary stage for being ready to “fly” in a few years. That our teen’s reach for independence often looks scary to us; feels scary to us. Is scary.
I asked him to, as he paused to care for himself, think about times he has enjoyed his daughter–where their relationship HAS felt good. Little moments, big moments–it doesn’t matter. Just consider them. Because they are there.
I asked him to think about how HE felt during these good moments. Calm? Comfortable? Light-hearted? Connected? Present? Undistracted? Adventurous? Matter-of-fact? Accepting?
Then I encouraged him to reconsider his “crummy interactions” with the feelings he felt during the good times “in place.” What could be different? What might you do or say now? How might feeling (calm, comfortable, accepting…whatever) influence this heated–or potentially heated–situation?
And then…HOW to do this. I’ll bet, if you are a regular follower of me, you’ll guess what I’ll say next…
PAUSE.
Discover what works for him to pause as he recognizes the heat climbing. Create mental or physical space. Use encouraging self-talk. Take a deep breath. Move away and focus on a chore. Discover what works to pause and calm yourself down. From there, I told him, you can consider what it is you want the most–and for him, it is knowing he is building a strong, respectful relationship and a daughter ready to “fly.”
From there, he can re-connect. Step back into the fray with his daughter, and respond–with more calm in place, more clarity of what he really wants. 
The outcome? It may still be uncomfortable and often is. It may still be LOUD on the teen’s part. It may still be leaving dad feeling uncertain–and with that calm in place, greater clarity, and the ability to re-connect what is communicated is respect. Respect that says:
His teen can count on him to keep it together even when she cannot. She can count on what her dad says, he means and will do. What a way for her to feel safe despite all her big feelings and teen angst.
His calm re-connection communicates confidence in HER ability to work through a reactive moment. It role models the essential life-skill of pausing.
Ultimately, it can influence the outcome in many, many positive, relationship building ways. I told him–trust this.
Find Alice’s books here!And to let me know, as he just focuses first on pausing before re-connecting, what is different for him. For his daughter. And how he can now know that he is depositing into just the kind of relationship he wants the most–even if he can’t “see” it for some time. That’s what it’s often like with teens.
I hope to hear back from this dad. I hope to hear back what I know can happen–that by “just” pausing, he feels so much better, more confident, more connected. What a gift it can be to his daughter. What a gift it can be to their relationship.
With appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2015 Alice Hanscam