overwhelmed

Tag: overwhelmed

All Your Kids Are Sick…

May 19, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Self-care, Self-help Comment

All the kids are sick. Goopy noses, coughing, crying, can’t sleep, neither can you. You have guests landing at your house soon, are trying to work around what initially seemed like a small remodel of the kitchen, the dog got into the garbage AGAIN, there is no peeling the cling-ons your kids have become off your legs AND you feel exhausted. Overwhelmed. Running on empty. Chaos, yuck, craziness rules the roost. Oh–and remember, you HAVE to go to work, the grocery store, the doctor’s office–probably more than once.

You are feeling awful. Exhausted and overwhelmed. Guilty for letting your kids just do whatever because it is all you can do to manage everyone’s illness and ‘regular’ life. Cereal and treats and videos and sleeping with you and, well, getting whatever they want so your sanity can prevail. Maybe.

And the last thing you want to hear from me is that you really CAN feel steady in all this chaos. Eye-rolls please. It’s okay.

Stay with me, here.

Start by taking a deep, long, breath. Even while you have octopus legs and arms wrapped around you and snotty noses rubbing themselves across your knees.

Let that breath be your much needed PAUSE.

And let me appreciate YOU for a moment, because I know how impossible it is to see through all of this yuck to what really can help you feel a bit steadier, calmer, okay no matter what is swirling around you.

Let me appreciate…

…your resilience. You are still in the game despite (or because of) all this chaos. You don’t feel this resilience I see, yet let me be clear–you have it and are using it. That is WHY you are still in the game.

…your deep care and compassion you have for your kids even as they wipe their noses on you, add 50 pounds of weight to your legs, cry constantly, keep you awake tossing and turning, fight and melt down. It is because of the deep care you have that you are still in the game. Even if “in the game” means hiding under your covers for a while as your kids are plunked in front of a movie.

…how you let go of what seemed like “have tos.” Your ability to let go of a well rounded meal, getting to work on time or at all, having a clean(er) house, your promise to never over-do screen time, getting a real night’s sleep.

This letting go? Yes, it is due to you feeling like you have NO control over any of it, yet I “see” someone who is clear on what needs to be the reality for right now. Someone who, by letting go, has been able to go with the flow a tad more, answer their children’s needs in the moment, stay present to the here and now. All things to appreciate. All things absolutely necessary to moving through the chaos well–in time.

…that retreat into the bathroom with doors locked. Just for a few minutes for the much needed RELIEF you need. You may see it as a retreat, as “I can’t handle this!” I will re-frame it as an essential Self-Care Deposit. A PAUSE that has you more likely stepping out after a few moments with just a tad more patience, resilience, maybe even a creative idea for what can happen next.

…YOUR feelings. All of them. Your guilt, your anxiety, your upset. Let me appreciate these, for I know it is hard for you to do so. We so often feel we are supposed to NOT feel this way. That it means we are, somehow, less of a good parent for being mad, guilty, anxiety ridden. Let me appreciate for you, right now, the whole and wonderful being you are that feeling all these feelings represents. Whole and wonderful.

…your humor! Sarcastic or not, that laugh you had as everything and one melted down around you? It is a gift and a strength. Use it. See it. Find it. A little humor can go a l-o-n-g way when everything else is a mess.

Okay. So you STILL are a wreck and so are your kids. But tell me, how does it feel to be appreciated despite (or because of) all this chaos? Can you really own this appreciation or are you still rolling your eyes at me? No matter, I don’t mind.

I will keep putting these appreciations out to you, for what we focus on grows. Maybe later, after everything settles for real, you will find yourself reflecting on my words. Or maybe you feel a bit relieved right now to know that things really are working in the midst of all the yuck. Either way, I appreciate your work to parent as well as you can through the hard.

And I hope you might feel steadier. Calmer. Stronger–-at least a bit. Or just steadier. We can leave it at that. Because what a difference that can make as life swirls around you–to feel steady in the midst of it all. Or steadier for the next round of chaos. What a way to help a child settle more quickly, a Big Upset to be valued and appreciated. What a way to let a little light-hearted-ness step in and step up.

So today, I appreciate you. Know this, so you don’t have to work at it yourself. Just move through today and all the challenges thrown your way KNOWING you are appreciated.

That’s all.

Take care,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

You are Having One of THOSE Days…

January 25, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Self-care, Social Emotional Comment

So you are having one of THOSE days.

Your Too-Short-of-a-Nap toddler or preschooler (or maybe drippy-nosed or you name it and it isn’t easy) is demanding a TON of re-direction, stopping, pleading at times, removal…(how much CAN you fit on top of the fridge as you collect those “used-in-the-wrong-way” items???). He seems to go from one thing to the next just TRYING to push your button (and succeeding).

Your baby is fussing and never getting quite the attention you really want to give this little one–yes, she gets fed and changed…but all the while you are pulling your hair out over the seemingly EXTRA exuberant behavior of your 3- or 4-year old (and if you have multiple other ages in the mix, just multiply the chaos by infinity…). The kind of exuberant behavior that has the blocks flying, the voices LOUD, the flying super-hero whipping by just barely missing the baby, the teetering of climbing just too darn high, the race to the potty and then a quiet that descends that has you discovering the roll of TP stuffed in the toilet or the tub animals taking a swim in the toilet bowl…

Your spouse has asked you to swing by and pick up that prescription–a simple thing, swinging by, right? And yet…you know that if you had to get the diaper bag ready, baby fed and changed, preschooler actually dressed and fed, AND yourself presentable and all ready to go all at the same time, not to mention then having to wrangle kids in and out of their seats and find a cart to contain them in and navigate the crowded store aisles, actually TALK to the pharmacist, and then get out all with your sanity in place…it could not possibly happen today. That simple errand is now an Impossible Errand.

And then there is what seems to usually be the “simple” step of switching the laundry from washer to dryer–today, however, it is nearly insurmountable. As is the well-intentioned dinner in the crockpot–usually a welcomed way to make dinner oh so much easier–still awaiting those green peppers you were going to chop and add. Let’s not even mention the now-clogged toilet, blocks and cards and Lego and stuffed guys spread from here to there, and the breakfast, lunch, and snack dishes and items still exactly where they were consumed. And it wasn’t at the table.

Funny how those “simple” things can become the very thing that would break you or the precarious and momentary balance you have found with your children. Simple becomes Impossible.

And you are feeling AWFUL. Guilty, frustrated, downright MAD, certainly over-the-top EXHAUSTED.

Then your partner arrives home…and just can’t seem to understand why it is so darn HARD to switch the laundry. Or swing by to pick up the prescription. Or–for heaven’s sake–add the chopped vegies to the crock-pot for dinner. They wonder why the toilet is plugged (“Can’t you watch him when he goes potty? It’s not like it requires much from you!”), the house a complete wreck, and let’s not even mention all the remains of various meals and snacks spread around.

And you sigh. Or blow up. Are definitely frustrated, feeling guilty, exhausted. You have no ability to even treat your partner with the respect you know you want to. Your relief to have help is quickly replaced with resentment. You are done done done with the entire day. The mess, the LOUD, the near misses of preschooler swooping past baby, the baby who obviously needs more of your attention and your guilt and sadness over not being able to find even an extra minute to give her that extra snuggle.

You are having one of THOSE days.

It’s okay. Really. It will get better. Maybe not yet and maybe it’ll become one of those WEEKS, but in time it (and you) will get better.

For now, it’s just one of THOSE days. Remember to b-r-e-a-t-h-e.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

A Helping Hand

January 15, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

What would be different if…

…when your child totally LOSES it in the grocery store you felt eyes of support and encouragement–and maybe an extra hand or two?

…when you find yourself getting caught up in all the what ifs and fears and oh-my-gosh-the-worst-thing-in-the-world-is-going-to-happen there was someone who reached out and said, “Yup. Me, too. I do that, too.”

…when you try over and over again to get your partner or child’s teacher or another to REALLY understand what you are trying to communicate you heard them say, “I hear you. Let me think on that a bit and get back to you…”

…when your child’s behavior has you over the top worried and you’ve tried everything and you feel at a total loss and you are a mess of a Mama, you had someone reach out and wrap you in their arms and say, “Here. Cry. It’s okay.”

What could be different? NOW how might you be feeling?

I believe you’d feel understood. Cared for. Appreciated. Maybe even without anything “fixed”–you know, tantrum still happening, anxiety still overwhelming–you’d feel relieved, a bit more confident and able to face whatever chaos you are in from a more grounded and steady place.

Maybe you’d feel like you’ve got company along this journey that you can really count on.

Maybe you’d feel clearer about what it is that needs to happen; able to let go and trust a bit more; or just relieved. Maybe that’s all, just relieved. What a difference that can make, for relief bring relaxing. Relaxing opens you up and allows you to feel more receptive. And NOW real help can enter in.

What a difference that could make. It really does take a village to raise a child AND a parent . It really does. And we are all in it together. After hearing today of a story of a mom, with divided attention at a park and both kids needing her help–and the lack of others willing to step up and give a helpful hand, I thought about this.

I also heard from another what a difference my writing has made for them as they head out into public and notice the hard work of parenting going on. They have found themselves being more receptive and curious rather than judgemental and critical as they watch difficult parent and child interactions. What a difference this makes–for now we feel a part of a community working together to parent and live well.

So today…pause. Find something to appreciate instead of criticize. Offer a helping hand. Reach out to a parent struggling and let them know they are doing the hard work of parenting and you get it. Allow feelings. Oh yes, please, allow feelings. They are to be valued. Your feelings included. Pause…appreciate…and walk alongside another without trying to fix, change, judge. Just be there.

Pretty amazing, what can happen. And you know, for you’ve felt it before–those times of acceptance and understanding; those times where you felt comforted by the company of another. Talk about feeling lifted, encouraged, even empowered! What a difference we can all make as we keep our attention on appreciation.

With appreciation for each of you,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Is it too late?

July 29, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

I had an email recently from a parent who was sad. Crummy, reactive interactions have been defining his relationship with his young teen daughter. He has read my book, “Parenting Inspired,” yet still wonders, “Is it too late to have a positive and healthy relationship?”

NO.

It is never too late to deposit into your

relationships in relationship building ways. It is never too

late to create positive change.

I wrote to this parent that he had LOTS of company when it came to “crappy interactions” that then leave us feeling bad, guilty, consumed.

I shared how many a morning interaction in our household with teen daughters turned AWFUL and off to school the girls went, and I was left with overwhelming guilt and bad feelings.

When they’d come home in the afternoon they’d be well beyond whatever we parted with…yet I was there “needing” the re-connection in order to feel better. Not a healthy way to be. Their ability to let it go and move on was a constant reminder to me of where I needed to grow.

I told him to start with being kind to himself. Take care of his upset, do what you need to do just for you to start to settle and feel a bit better. Self-care…pausing…absolutely necessary.

I talked about the stage of increased independence young teens are in–an absolutely necessary stage for being ready to “fly” in a few years. That our teen’s reach for independence often looks scary to us; feels scary to us. Is scary.

I asked him to, as he paused to care for himself, think about times he has enjoyed his daughter–where their relationship HAS felt good. Little moments, big moments–it doesn’t matter. Just consider them. Because they are there.

I asked him to think about how HE felt during these good moments. Calm? Comfortable? Light-hearted? Connected? Present? Undistracted? Adventurous? Matter-of-fact? Accepting?

Then I encouraged him to reconsider his “crummy interactions” with the feelings he felt during the good times “in place.” What could be different? What might you do or say now? How might feeling (calm, comfortable, accepting…whatever) influence this heated–or potentially heated–situation?

And then…HOW to do this. I’ll bet, if you are a regular follower of me, you’ll guess what I’ll say next…

PAUSE.

Discover what works for him to pause as he recognizes the heat climbing. Create mental or physical space. Use encouraging self-talk. Take a deep breath. Move away and focus on a chore. Discover what works to pause and calm yourself down. From there, I told him, you can consider what it is you want the most–and for him, it is knowing he is building a strong, respectful relationship and a daughter ready to “fly.”

From there, he can re-connect. Step back into the fray with his daughter, and respond–with more calm in place, more clarity of what he really wants.

The outcome? It may still be uncomfortable and often is. It may still be LOUD on the teen’s part. It may still be leaving dad feeling uncertain–and with that calm in place, greater clarity, and the ability to re-connect what is communicated is respect. Respect that says:

His teen can count on him to keep it together even when she cannot. She can count on what her dad says, he means and will do. What a way for her to feel safe despite all her big feelings and teen angst.

His calm re-connection communicates confidence in HER ability to work through a reactive moment. It role models the essential life-skill of pausing.

Ultimately, it can influence the outcome in many, many positive, relationship building ways. I told him–trust this.

Find Alice’s books here!And to let me know, as he just focuses first on pausing before re-connecting, what is different for him. For his daughter. And how he can now know that he is depositing into just the kind of relationship he wants the most–even if he can’t “see” it for some time. That’s what it’s often like with teens.

I hope to hear back from this dad. I hope to hear back what I know can happen–that by “just” pausing, he feels so much better, more confident, more connected. What a gift it can be to his daughter. What a gift it can be to their relationship.

With appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

It Feels Like a Battle

November 14, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Covid-19, School and education, Screen Time and Technology Comment

Does it feel like a battle during this pandemic to:

~ balance or limit screen time?
~ get your child back on the screen after “recess” to finish a school day? Or on it at the onset of school? Or just keeping it all going as you juggle multiple children, devices, etc?
~ be able to let go of your concerns over screen time and not feel like you are just giving in and hoping for the best?
~ remember just what it was you did with all your time when screens didn’t rule the day??

We are immersed in All Things Screens.

And many of us know, deep down, how *wrong* it all feels–the overwhelmed, cranky, zoned out feelings. Feeling at odds, perhaps, with how we’ve tried to balance screen time prior to the pandemic and our current reality. The emotional toll on us, on our children, on our friendships–all from both the increased screen time and the pandemic.

We are concerned and confused. And at the same time we are grateful for screens for getting us through this time. What a conflict this can be.

It’s hard. All of it. I hear concerns from preschool teachers who feel like their online time with their 3’s and 4’s is merely a “performance” to keep their students engaged. We know this isn’t how young children learn best and yet, here we are.

I hear from elementary teachers who are mourning the loss of relationship with their students. It’s hard to build a relationship on a computer screen. It’s hard to catch the nuances, respond to those nuances, “feel” the energy or mood of your class–all things key for connecting meaningfully and being in a position to truly teach.

I hear from parents so very concerned about the amount of screen time their kids have to do because of school or because parents are trying to carve out time to work from home and need the distraction of screens to occupy their children. I hear how their kids are throwing more tantrums, melting down, crying–all ages from toddlers to teens as they express the stress they are experiencing; how life at home just doesn’t feel the way they’d like it feel.

I’ve struggled with just how to reach out to all of you–for if you follow me, you know how strongly I feel about being Tech Intentional, taking care with how much and what is used/put in front of our children, being mindful of our own use. If you follow me you know I address often the impact on development and relationships our and our children’s device use has.

And yet, here we are.

I have a sense that it is important for us to let go of seeing all of this as a battle. To perhaps acknowledge and affirm our challenging pandemic reality. To allow it. Yes, allow it. Not from the “I give up” and “throw in the towel” place, but a place of acceptance. Because when we acknowledge, affirm, and accept a challenge something more productive and positive can happen.

And then…THEN we are more able to turn our heads a bit and begin to see (and create) different “spaces” available to us. Turn from the focus of the challenge and turn towards what more we need, are already getting, can do.

Think about all the challenges you’ve faced as a parent. Think about how, as you stepped back from fighting something (such as a toddler’s and preschooler’s wonderful ability to push your button) and instead stepped into it from a place of calm (like when you PAUSE before responding to your child’s undesirable antics and take a deep breath…), a situation feels less intense, more manageable, and our child–because we are calm–feels our connection and confidence. And THEY do better.

So maybe, just maybe, if we welcome in our crazy times, acknowledge them for what they are, affirm them out loud (“YES this is insane!”), we can move beyond the battle and into a steadier place. Now we might be able to see the other “spaces” in our day and life.

Spaces such as…

…The outdoors. Maybe your child only gets a short time to be outside…and maybe, because you’ve allowed our crazy times to be what they are, you find yourself feeling grateful and relieved for that short time. This, rather than regretting the lack of lengthy outdoor time.

…Meal time that is device free. Thrown together, perhaps, and full of hungry and cranky souls after a day on screens…but time together. Space to re-connect no matter how grumpy it might feel. This space? It is invaluable. Even if it is grumpy 🙂

…Taking an extra long hot shower. Or getting a moment to sip your coffee or tea with nothing else on your agenda in that moment. This is self-care. It takes only a moment and it is a real deposit, there to shore you up for the following moments of chaos.

…Reading real books with your child. Maybe only a few, because the day gets away from you, but that space? It fills hearts, minds, laps, and buckets. No matter how brief, it counts.

…Alone time–like when, even though you WANT to spend fun time with your child after they’ve exhausted themselves with online school, they instead retreat to their room. By themselves. To take a break, play quietly, listen to their music, read a book, build with Lego, take a nap. By themselves because they need that PAUSE, too. Just like you. This is a space to honor, nurture, and respect. Even when you’d like, more then anything, to have time with your child that ISN’T about navigating all things screens and school. Acknowledge, affirm, accept and allow the space they’ve just carved out for themselves.

There are so many more spaces in our lives–the ones that contain arts and crafts, laughter, time with others–maybe outside and masked for now, music, dance, being silly, playing board and card games, hiking, exercising, a long soak in the tub…

I encourage you to take time to look for these other spaces in your life, no matter how brief or limited they are right now. Notice them. Re-discover them. Appreciate them. Then maybe, maybe instead of feeling like you are battling through this experience of ours, you find yourself settling a bit, relaxing, accepting.

And now you discover there is a bit of space for something more productive and positive to happen. What we focus on grows.

Here’s to all of you in the midst of what can feel like a battle…

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Learning Despite Unusual Times

September 14, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, School and education, Social Emotional Comment

We have an opportunity in front of us. An opportunity to choose how we want to respond to all the chaos surrounding us. Our lives have become bubbles of sorts, with much of our work, family life, and school happening in unusual ways including, for many of us, at home.

We worry because it seems our children are going to lose out on what they need in order to learn and grow in healthy ways. We are exhausted as we try to juggle a seemingly overwhelming task, keeping up with life as we knew it within life as it is now–changed and challenged.

I believe we can foster connection, build relationships, and encourage and nurture real learning despite, or perhaps because of, our feeling overwhelmed. Even without the usual-to-us education (daycare, preschool, Kindergarten…) that we’ve known up until now. And all of these–connection, relationships, learning–are intertwined with each other and already happening in your home.

Did you know…

…when you’ve reached the point of throwing up your arms and letting go of even trying to keep up and get it all done, your child has the opportunity to demonstrate their capable and competent self? Like when a mama I know felt so overwhelmed she forgot to fix lunch for her 4 and 7-year old, and discovered them a bit later at the kitchen table eating sandwiches they had made all by themselves. You can do this, too (throw in the towel and let go) and give your children a chance to show their capable and competent selves. And when we can, we are communicating confidence in their ability to be in charge of themselves. Very cool.

…when you read and re-read the same book over and over to your child you are growing and strengthening essential neural pathways in their brains, expanding their language and comprehension, providing them with stability and predictability as they hear the same words over and over again? You are fostering a warm connection between the two of you that is the foundation for healthy relationships. You may get tired of that same story; know that your child needs it. And when we are overwhelmed in life, it can be soothing for us, as well, to just sit down and get lost in a familiar book with our child. Everything else will wait. Relish this moment.

…when you let your child climb up on a chair and help pour the flour into the bowl, followed by the milk as you make biscuits for dinner, you are providing them an opportunity to discover how a solid and a liquid behave individually as well as what changes when mixed together (oh the science of it all!); you are providing essential mathematical concepts as they hear “Measure one cup…pour all the milk…let’s take spoonfuls…”; and you are, once again, depositing soundly into a healthy, connected relationship that is the foundation for all learning. If you have no mental space to include your child, that’s okay, too. Sometimes I just put a bowl, measuring cup and spoons, and some oats and water out for my daughter to “cook all by herself” on the floor while I threw dinner together.

…when you tell your child “I have to do my work right now, we will play together later” AND you follow through with exactly that, you are giving your child an opportunity to learn how to self-direct (aka play on their own or decide to be a puddle of tears next to you…), discover they can count on what you say you mean (trust! Ever so important), and the essential opportunity to experience big feelings (and eventually learn to manage them well ). You, too, will strengthen your ability to focus on your necessary work no matter the chaos at your feet…really!

…when you are finally DONE and become a puddle of tears yourself, you are giving your child the chance to learn how mama handles her Great Big Sad, you are giving them a chance to show the compassion you so effortlessly and tirelessly show them, you are providing a moment of deep and meaningful connection that can warm everyone’s heart. It’s okay to sit on the floor and cry.

…that sitting quietly beside your child building your own tower of blocks as they chatter happily next to you stacking theirs, you are providing the companionship and space they need to explore their world in their own way. They are learning to self-direct, to be in charge of and think their own ideas, to connect with you in meaningful-to-them ways–“My papa loves me! He likes to play the things I like! What I do is important to my papa!” And you? You get a moment to PAUSE, breathe, recover a bit from feeling over-the-top exhausted.

I could go on and on. So much learning available all through our days. So much value to everything we do. Relationships and learning go hand in hand. Our young children are learning all about their world–know that everything you do with them, for them, away from them are your tools for nurturing the kind of future adults you hope for. Let the simple moments through the day become part of the learning your child needs the most. Use your day intentionally–including how you take care of YOU, including when you throw up your arms and let go, including giving yourself the space and grace to be overwhelmed.

Let our current surreal reality become an opportunity for intentional growth in your family. For it can. And we will all be the better for it.

Respectfully and hopefully,
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Taking Care of YOU during Hard Times

June 9, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

Life has turned upside down. Uncertainty reigns…along with fear, anxiety, worry, frustrations, kids beginning to drive you nuts, and absolutely NO time for yourself.

It is YOU I write to today. You and taking care of you so you can move through these challenging times in the best possible way. And know that can mean anything from just keeping your head above water, to actually feeling pretty darn good. Either way, you are in the game and THAT is to be appreciated.

Self-care is pretty tough to think about when all day long is spent with everyone based at home, work trying to be accomplished, brainstorming just what you all need to be okay, no school to give you a much needed break from kids, perhaps elders in your life you are caring for or about…

And yet…it all comes down to each one of us individually. We must first take care of ourselves in order to be in a good position to care for others.

So let’s start with you right now. Let this be your PAUSE to stop, take in a few deep breaths, let them out slowly, and examine the thoughts running through your head. You get to decide what you want to think about, how you want to feel, what you decide to DO.

“I’m going crazy!” can become “This is really, really hard and I CAN move through it.”

“My kids are driving me nuts!” can become “Man, they are bouncing off the walls. I can keep myself together even if they can’t!”

“I’m worried sick.” can become “I am clear on how to live healthfully and am confident in the steps I take.”

“There is NO way I can get any work done!” can become “I find just the right time to accomplish what I need to.”

“I just don’t know what to DO!” can become, “I become clear about what needs to happen and can feel good I’m doing my best.”

What we say to ourselves MATTERS. It directly affects how we feel and then what we do. What does this require of you? Self-care.

Every little bit you do, intentionally and just for you, becomes a deposit into what I like to call your Self-Care Savings Account. And with even a little bit you now have more patience, resilience, ability to persevere.

Some ideas for you in the midst of all this craziness:

Stand extra long in your hot shower…
Choose your favorite mug, hot drink, and make it. Drinking it can be considered a bonus deposit!
Call a friend and chat for a few minutes.
Sit down and welcome your dog or cat into your lap and stroke their wonderful fur.
Do a few yoga stretches.
Watch a funny You Tube.
Take a lap around your yard…maybe stop to enjoy spring flowers or fresh critter prints in the snow.
Gaze at a favorite art print or photo and let good memories wash over you.

Think about what you can do for just a minute or so, just for you, that would feel good. Then do it. Even in the midst of full-on craziness, there is time for this. And it is even more necessary than ever before.

Here’s to you in all our uncertainty and new-for-now reality. And here is another bit that might help: “Its OKAY”

You are enough!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

The Gift of Our Pandemic

May 29, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment

The Gift of (any) Pandemic…

Stay with me here, for I know it sounds rather conflicting–how can a pandemic, our shutting down of our economies, losing jobs, sheltering in place, having to wear masks and stay away from loved ones or feeling guilty if not doing so or or or be considered a gift?

There is real difficulty and pain, I know. And yet there is one prevailing result of living through this pandemic that I hope will be nurtured and grown for all of us in years to come.

Connection. Real, meaningful, warm, intentional, genuine connection.

Connection that says…

...YOU are important to me.

…I give you my full attention.

…I hear you.

….I want to spend time with you!

…I love you.

…You can lean on me; I can lean on you.

…Let me help.

…I will make time for you.

It seems to me we are all discovering what is truly at the core of being human; that connection is what we are missing, seeking, creating, relishing. It is painful–deeply painful–for those unable to connect at the end of another’s life. That seems to me to be the biggest indicator of how crucial connection is for all of us in order to live, be, die well.

We are discovering how much we WANT to connect–and our frustrations over limitations or willingness to take increased risks are indicators of just this.

We are discovering oh-so-many creative ways to BE connected! Zoom has come in handy for my family 🙂 . Outdoor time via walks, hikes, games that keep you appropriately distanced are being enjoyed by many (try badminton! Or a water-balloon *fight* or hopscotch!) Meals and even cooking together via a screen. Letters written, stories shared, fun and necessary deliveries made on doorsteps.

We are, I hope, discovering how connection via a screen answers a certain level of connection AND is a reminder of it’s limitations for connecting at the necessary deeper level. And it is this deeper level that is crucial for all of us to BE well–mentally, emotionally, and physically. The gift of our pandemic is embracing, nurturing, and enriching all of our connections.

Today, look to this gift. Seek out and create connection in any way you can. Be intentional. Look for and help in any way you can those who feel too isolated, who are suffering a lack of meaningful connection. Vow to keep this intentional connection in place no matter the health of the world, for it will absolutely improve the health of our world.

Connection is healing.

With hope and JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

True Confessions

May 18, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

True confessions…

…I’ve screamed
…I’ve spanked
…I’ve slammed doors
…I’ve cried often
…I’ve threatened things I then didn’t follow through on–and other times DID no matter the cost
…My “No NO NO” has turned to “OK OK OK,” just please stop whining, arguing, fighting (AKA driving me nuts)!
…I’ve spent entire days feeling guilty about the blow up in the morning, awaiting the return of my child from school so I can feel better…
…I’ve plunked my kids in front of the TV just to get a much needed break
…I’ve grabbed arms too roughly, slammed desired items down onto the table, been extra harsh in the hope of driving MY point home.
…I’ve struggled.

I have also…

…Apologized heart-fully
…Learned to PAUSE so I could calm down
…Intentionally hugged my bristly teens each morning no matter the level of angst in the house
…Closed doors extra firmly (well, hey, there’s got to be room for growth!)
…Stuck to my promises
…Stayed strong in my decisions
…Let my kids be mad, sad, disappointed
…Let go of making my kids see my point (okay, again, this is a work in progress!)
…Got creative in order to get the break I needed without resorting to TV-something I felt strongly about
…Intentionally ‘gentled’ myself so I could hold arms carefully, place desired things on the table respectfully, speak calmly no matter how MAD I felt.

I have grown and continue to grow. And you can and are as well.

Know you have good company on this parenting journey–your struggles are shared, understood, appreciated; your successes celebrated. Be gentle with yourself so you can be so with your children.

Tipping the balance in favor of respectful and positive relationships is essential–this is not about perfection, this is about growth. If we reach for perfection we undermine our ability to accept and grow in the moment.

Know the kind of parent you intend to be and let that drive you forward in the tough times and relish it in the successful times. Keep your sight fixed on who you want to be, on each struggle as an opportunity to learn from, each success as true strengthening of the muscles you want to grow the most.

Allow yourself to grow.

**What a gift to our children as they watch us welcome the ups and downs of our growth and watch us strive–always strive–to be better. Now they can, too.**

Make it fabulous today!

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

One Role at a Time

May 12, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology, Self-care, Social Emotional Comment

Recently I connected with a parent and colleague with whom I send work to for sharing with parents she works with. I have experienced a dry period with writing for all of you and I shared that with her.

Life with Covid-19 has challenged many of us in ways we never have experienced before. Working from home or not working at all, home-schooling, on-line learning, hunkered down, social distancing, masks or no masks, curbside pick up or go into stores, Zoom time with those we love but cannot see in person, separation–physical and emotional. Isolation. Close quarters. Illness. Sometimes limited food supplies and other essentials. Loss and grief on many, and sometimes surprising, levels.

Our exchange became lifting and inspiring for both of us–something so necessary now, more so than ever. Her words inspired my words; my words inspired her.I’d like to share them here:

Dear Alice,

It isn’t easy at the moment. I am taking each day as it comes, however it is a struggle to school my two children each day, look after the house and family and work. I have decided that the only way to retain any kind of composure is to only do one role at a time – and so the children get my attention all day and work squeezes into evenings…

Yesterday, we were shaken by the government announcing another 6 weeks of lockdown. It feels really tough…

I know how you feel about writing. I find that there’s no point in forcing productivity when it comes to pen and paper. And when I come out of a heavy creative period then I always need a break. I can’t imagine how you must feel after completing a book!

Thank you for the offer for me to send another situation for you to write about for Family5. I will do so soon. We are finding that in the current crisis, families are a lot more focused on just getting through each day than making bigger changes, even though to do so might help them get through the days better…

All the best,

Lucy

Her words touched me–both about her own struggles, other parents’ struggles, and my own. I was struck about the gifts, hidden beneath the struggle, our health situation has given us.. Here is what I wrote back:

Dear Lucy,

You are discovering the most important and healthy way to live–by being fully present to what you are doing and whom you are with right now: “I have decided that the only way to retain any kind of composure is to only do one role at a time.”

This is one of the gifts our unusual and difficult times gives us–a reminder to be present. What a difference it can make–truly relationship-building, and soul-strengthening.

Some people have likened bringing a book to publication to having a baby :-). It has never felt this way to me, and yet I appreciate the analogy, for in a way I feel rather saturated right now. Though it is only partially the book; more so the current reality we are living in. I am grateful to hear from you that life isn’t easy and you are giving your full focus to your family, first and foremost, and that is what you are finding families are doing, as well–not working on the bigger changes, and just trying to get through each day. This is how I feel about everything on-line–there is too much help out there! It becomes overwhelming.

You know, though, what many of us are trying to help parents recognize is that this slowing down and simplifying actually allows us to choose with intention how we want to respond–and it is in this that the present situation can evolve into those bigger changes that seemingly seem to have taken back seat. Helping others move from reacting through the day to being present, pausing, choosing with care what they do is key. Take screen time, for instance. It feels like increasing screens is the only way to make it through the day (with schools also going on-line). However…what we know for a fact is that too much is unhealthy for our children in a myriad of ways. Using this time as a way to pause and choose with care what we decide to do and rely on is essential for having success tomorrow and later.

Big breath here…this is the most I’ve written in a while! You inspire me.

I send you love and encouragement and a PAUSE. Know that your presence “one at a time” to each role you play is living a kind of a pause. Let it strengthen you, even as it tires you!

Love,

Alice

Let PAUSE Empower You

May 2, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Self-care Comment

I could tell you that we are bigger and greater than the world crisis we face and the struggles–emotional and physical–we each are immersed in.

I could tell you that if you *just* trust, all will be okay.

I could tell you, over and over again, that EVERY single challenge is filled with opportunity and gifts. That all you have to do is look to what you can appreciate, to how you want to be no matter what the world (or your kids) throw at you, to keep your site fixed on what you want the most.

I could fill this post with platitudes. Yet you’ve heard them all before. And they are tiresome.

I think, even if I feel strongly about the times we are in and the gifts and opportunities and, yes, hope that it is filled with, everything I’d say could go right on by you; or you’d roll your eyes, or perhaps even get mad. These things just don’t feel helpful in the moment.

Because perhaps you ARE struggling. Scared. Hurting and frustrated and overwhelmed and stressed.

Maybe you manage it well–keeping those upsetting feelings aside or buried so your kids or other loved ones see you as strong.

Maybe you don’t manage it well and your world is collapsing around you.

Maybe you are dealing with a profound loss–a loved one, a job, a home. School!

Maybe you just can’t think about anything other than the next moment and getting through it while still standing.

I get it. I, too, find myself struggling–emotionally, mostly. I can get caught up in the “what if’s” of loss of a loved one. Of not being able to say good bye. Of having finances crash around me. Of never hugging one of my daughters again.

And I get tired, too. Of the new protocol we’ve adopted for cleaning–groceries, mail, ourselves, you name it. Of hearing about children’s struggles with on-line learning and the loss of friends and other milestones we’ve taken for granted; parent’s struggles with maintaining sanity through it all.

Here’s what I DO know. And I truly hope this doesn’t sound like those tiresome platitudes.

I know that we ARE far greater than the challenges we face. We are. You can feel it in the seemingly infinite number of You Tube videos, letters, posts, community efforts that are filled with support, encouragement, light-heartedness…with CONNECTION.

You can feel it in the continual and persistent presence of JOY that can fill us, ever so briefly at times, as we listen to these videos, read these letters, posts, or participate or be the recipient of community efforts. Joy that perhaps is expressed through those tears streaming down your face.

You sense it via the gratitude and hope that expand within you, no matter how short-lived, as you hear of the medical providers, scientists, and other Good Samaritans–all over our world–who are risking themselves, for us. Who speak to the progress, the support, the good and kind and possibilities and solutions. Who are working hard, for us.

And you can strengthen this expansive feeling within you. You can feel this gratitude, hope, lightness, even JOY more and more because you are far greater than the challenges you face.

How?

In many ways. In oh so many ways. For me, it always comes down to PAUSE, for this is what I feel empowers. It looks in many different ways…

…prayer can be a PAUSE that empowers
…meditation can be a PAUSE that empowers
…quiet can be a PAUSE that empowers
…breathing deeply can be a PAUSE that empowers
…appreciating can be a PAUSE that empowers
…gazing at a beautiful-to-you thing can be a PAUSE that empowers
…exercise you enjoy can be a PAUSE that empowers
…being still can be a PAUSE that empowers
…being fully present to right NOW can be a PAUSE that empowers. Even if that fully present is *just* to your very upset child, the crochet project you are working on, the next thing on your list for today, the mess you are in the midst of cleaning up.

PAUSE. No matter how your pause looks or how brief it is, it can empower you. It begins as a bit of calm…and grows into something so much more powerful. So much so I wrote an entire book on it. For you and for me.

Because times of struggle? No matter how great and overwhelming and scary? They call upon us to dig down deep into ourselves and slowly recognize how we, though maybe physically alone, are emotionally and spiritually so very, very connected. When we’ve been able to find that semblance of calm within us via our PAUSE, we begin to tune ourselves into this connection.

This is why we feel those moments of gratitude swelling up within us. Or why, just as we are thinking of our dear friend, they call us. Or how lifting it can feel to help another. This is why our children seem to do better, things settle a bit more at home, we feel steadier and stronger.

Connection. It is powerful.

We are living this now–often being physically far apart, and yet, the connection we can feel with each other and, well, EVERY one is very real. And it is empowering. We can strengthen this feeling within us and all around us as we create the PAUSE that works for us.

For whatever you do to pause–even if it is only in the latest button pushing moment when you are able to calm yourself even a little bit–it will empower you just a bit more.

What we focus on grows.

Today, I send you a PAUSE that empowers. Feel the connection that we are all living. Take a moment to recognize and appreciate it. Let the presence of this connection fill you, lift you, carry you forward.

**Find PAUSE and all of Alice’s books here!**

Then recognize that it begins from deep within you and is always there for you. Always. And this power you tap into as you strengthen your PAUSE will carry all of us forward in life-affirming ways, no matter what the world throws at us. This we can trust. I do.

Love and Light to each of you today.
Alice
Author and Parent Coach

To Cry or Not to Cry

April 29, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care, Social Emotional 2 Comments

To cry or not to cry.

This really can stir up worry and anxiety for many parents of babies. Whether it is in regards to sleep or any other part of the day. And we hear different things from all different parenting styles–making it all the more concerning and confusing.

I’ve heard the range from:

“Is it okay to let my baby cry to sleep” to“Babies should never cry” to“What do I do when she cries!”

I listen to those solid in their choice of certain ways to parent–from Peaceful Parenting to Positive Parenting to Attachment Parenting to whatever other styles there are out there, and I hear passionate voices all speaking to what feels right to them–yet in reality it can be so different from parent to parent, family to family, child to child.

I am most concerned about all the parents who are feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, anxious and uncertain over their choices, perhaps feeling like a bad parent as yet again, their baby cries, or yet again there’s been a rough night of lack of sleep or a day that felt like nothing you did helped your baby settle.

And I’m truly concerned about the tendency we have to declare there is only one right way to be with our baby—that my style is the right style and you are doing it all wrong. What a way to undermine our confidence, to muddy the waters, to make it more difficult to navigate what can be an overwhelming experience–to discover what truly works for us, our family, our circumstance, our baby.

Babies cry. It is a form of communication.

It alerts us to a need–perhaps companionship, feeling overwhelmed, hungry, wet, tired. And it is essential we respond–and it is in how we respond that influences just what we want to grow the most.

Consider this–what do you want most to communicate to your baby? Fast forward to preschool years, where do you want to be as their naturally volcanic feelings erupt daily? Fast forward to teen years and think about what you hope for the most–self-direction? Ability to manage the emotional upheavals inherent in teen years? Able to feel capable and in charge and strong in their selves?

It begins with your baby. They cry. Our job? To use these early and simpler experiences to grow our ability to be comfortable in their upset, to set the foundation for them to learn to be in upset and to manage it well. Find a way to move the anxiety it stirs up over, the lack of confidence over…and step into the cry gently, respectfully.

It is not about “making them stop crying”, it is instead about

learning what is making your baby tick, discovering what they need that can help them settle.

How does this look? Perhaps:

“I hear you. You are upset. What is it you need?” as you rest a hand on their body, draw in near, use a quiet and gentle voice.

“Is your diaper wet? Shall we change you?” “Are you feeling hungry? Let’s see what we can do about that.”

“You are really upset. I wonder if it is all the commotion around you that makes it hard for you. Let’s move into a quieter place and see if that helps.”

“You woke and need a little help re-settling. I’m here. Let’s see what can help you head back into sleep.”

And maybe they still cry, and you try something else. It is a process and it is meant to be respectful…and it is meant to communicate to your baby that they are heard, you are near, they can feel safe–even if upset, and that you have confidence in their growing ability to soothe themselves.

Every single baby is different and what works for one baby to soothe themselves may be quite different from another.

My two girls were entirely different–the first, mellow, rarely cried–she was the one at 7-months who woke in her crib with vomit all over, grinning from ear to ear at me. Her cries only came when she was REALLY sad or uncomfortable and it was clear what she needed. She was easy to soothe…our company and answering her need was all that was necessary.

My second? She cried her first two hours of life, wanting nothing but to cry. And her tears flowed easily and often as a baby–sometimes leaving me a bit at a loss as to just what it was she truly needed, other times being quite clear what pushed her upset button. Those unclear times? I just kept asking, watching, and respecting that she just needed to cry…talking soothingly and moving slowly seemed to really help her re-center.

As young adults? So similar to their baby selves! The eldest tends to let things roll off her back, grinning through even the tough times–until she’s had enough and the feelings pour out; the youngest shares her strong feelings about many things quite often, leaving me sometimes missing what really is pushing her upset button. Just like when they were little. And I know they both feel respected for how they move through life and how they manage their upset in ways that work for them. I like to believe it is in big part because we respected their cries from day one.

Babies cry and it is okay.

Respond gently, respectfully, let their cries help you learn

more about who they are.

And trust that how you respond can help grow the strong foundation for their future ability to manage their feelings well. You, too–for becoming a parent demands we grow ourselves–and these cries are our opportunity to get started. You no longer need to feel overwhelmed–your baby will help you discover what works, trust this.

It really is okay.

For more about babies you may like: https://www.justaskalice.org/2018/05/11/babies-capable-and-competent-from-birth/and be sure to check out Janet Lansbury – Elevating Child Care http://www.janetlansbury.com for a rich library of articles to help you grow your ability to parent your little one respectfully. She is wonderful!

Alice

Author of “Parenting Inspired”

PCI Certified Parent Coach® and ScreamFree Certified Leader

Continue…

Self-Care! YOU Deserve Some.

April 9, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Self-care Comment

Self-care! Taking care of ourselves is essential for parenting (and living) well.

But really, where IS the time? I am most certain when you hear “You’ve got to take care of YOU” you nod your head, mmmhmmm, find yourself saying, “Sure. YOU find the babysitter, the hours, the peace and quiet and I’ll be happy to take time for me!”

It can feel like an impossible hurdle.

And then we continue on with the race through each day, wiping noses, breaking up fights, trying to get to school, work, daycare, appointments on time and maybe in one piece. We scramble for dinner, to pack lunches, pull our hair out over the lack of help from the kids, the spouse, the anybody. We somehow manage to get through the day and land in bed exhausted. To be woken up once again and probably way to early to hit the ground running.

And don’t even TRY to get a shower or use the bathroom by yourself!

Okay. So self-care seems like an impossible reach.

Here’s what I encourage.

Self-care is like a savings account. ANY thing you do, intentionally and just for you (even if it includes your kids!) that feels GOOD is a deposit. And deposits add up. All it takes is a minute–really! Just as you’ll find in more detail in my books, l encourage you to look at self-care as what you can do for YOU that only takes a minute.

Yes, ONE minute.

Think about it. If you had a minute, what could you do that would feel good to YOU?

Maybe stand (again, intentionally) in your hot shower for an extra minute. Just stand there telling yourself this is just for you. Even if the banging on the door or the whining is ramping up.

Or plunk down on the floor and really pet your dog. Fully. Both hands on his furry head massaging away.

Or my favorite–put the kettle on, open up your cupboard and choose your favorite mug, decide on the tea you really like…and if you get to actually drink the tea it is a bonus!

I know I used to, as my little ones actually got immersed in their play and didn’t–for the moment–need me, I let go of the chore I could get done and just watched them. So I still had the chore hanging over my head, but it filled me to no end to just watch.

A friend of mine likes to step outdoors. Breathe in deeply. And just gaze. 30 seconds. That’s all.

Another parent I know found just the act of sitting down and putting his feet up–even as his kids piled on top of him–felt really good. An intentional break. Even when it turned into a wrestling match

And a parent I coached discovered if she just covered her computer screen at her desk while she ate lunch she felt so much more energized to return to her computer work following her 10 minute sandwich break. Just covering her computer relaxed her. That’s all.

Today, deposit into your Self-care Savings Account.

Just one minute. That’s all. And notice how it feels. Notice, as you do this now and again, what is different for you. If you need more ideas, check out either of my books–they are full of doable ideas.

You CAN feel better. You CAN take care of you without it feeling like an impossible hurdle. And eventually those short deposits will stretch into much longer ones…eventually 🙂

Just start with a small, brief deposit. It counts. And YOU are worth it.

Here’s to you today!
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

It’s HARD To Be Positive…

February 5, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

Pause today as your buttons are pushed and the HARD gets in the way. Let go of trying to “Be positive!” It’s okay, you know, to be having one of THOSE days...or weeks…

Instead, find something you can appreciate.

Perhaps:

That you are still in-the-game despite what your kids are throwing at you. Nothing fun or positive about the resistance and ignoring and demanding that surrounds you…plenty to appreciate that you are still “in the game.” Even if you are throwing up your arms, losing your temper, or resorting to toast with peanut butter for dinner. You are still there.

The fact that your teen DOES join you at the table for dinner, even if s/he is full of eye-rolls and sarcastic responses…or no responses at all. Their physical presence counts even if their emotional presence is driving you nuts.

The persistence of your little one (a strength, really!) even if it is all about persisting with something that really isn’t okay. Like continuing to dump your potted plant’s dirt onto the floor despite your patient self stopping them and redirecting over and over again. Or NOT staying in bed and continually coming to find you when it is well past nap or bedtime. Or the back and forth grabbing and pushing as your two kids fight over who gets what–neither is really listening to the other, and both know exactly what they want. Persistence! It’s driving you crazy…

Perhaps how a friend reached out just as you felt yourself getting swallowed up by All Things Parenting. Your overwhelmed self found yourself sobbing on their shoulder…followed by feeling a sense of release, relief, and companionship. All Things Parenting will still be there, and now you have the reassurance of good company to help you through. It really does take a village to raise a parent!

Or maybe appreciate that 30 seconds you had this morning to close your eyes and breathe (and have a few sips of your coffee!) even though the rest of your day has been lost to the craziness of being everywhere for everyone and probably late…as usual. Those 30-seconds count. Think Self-Care Deposit.

Positives can be tough. Appreciations are everywhere.

Try pausing and then appreciating today as things ramp up and the last thing you can do is “Look at the positive side!” Notice what is different for you as a result…and remember, what you focus on grows 🙂

Here’s to you.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

All the Kids are Sick

September 2, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Self-care Comment

And the last thing you want to hear from me is that you really CAN feel steady in all this chaos. Eye-rolls please. It’s okay.

Stay with me, here.

Start by taking a deep, long, breath. Even while you have octopus legs and arms wrapped around you and snotty noses rubbing themselves across your knees.

Let that breath be your much needed PAUSE.

Let me appreciate…

So today, I appreciate you. Know this, so you don’t have to work at it yourself. Just move through today and all the challenges thrown your way KNOWING you are appreciated.

That’s all.

Take care,

Continue…

Keeping Our Children Safe

June 8, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology Comment

Consider these…

Your baby begins to pull up and travel a bit around furniture and all of a sudden his little hands can reach those fragile items, the knives in the drawer, the tantalizing pot burbling away atop the hot stove.

Whew! Quick! If you haven’t already now it IS time to baby proof–to think about and then act upon putting the fragile items up high, poisons and sharp knives behind locked doors and drawers or whatever works in your family to keep Baby safe, healthy, growing strong. And you do so.

And as Baby grows, you get busy showing her how to stay back from the hot oven as you open it, to carefully stir the oatmeal in the pot on the stove alongside you, to use first a butter knife to practice cutting until you are confident she can handle a small sharp knife. You TEACH. Safety skills for keeping your little one safe, healthy, growing strong–and learning!

Your five-year-old happily dumps her thousands of Lego blocks all over the floor to immerse herself in building and creating.

Uh-oh! New development in your home. Your 15-month-old wants to be right in the middle of all those small and choke-able items. Quick! Figure out a new way for Lego to be played so your little one CAN be safe, healthy, growing strong. Maybe Miss Five can play with them up on the table, or behind closed doors. Maybe, as you think about ideas, you can just be sure to be right there with your young toddler to show him just what he CAN play with, put in his mouth, or how Lego blocks can be used. What a way to keep your little one safe, healthy, growing strong. Think of all the learning!

Because you are quite clear about keeping your child SAFE as you unload from your parked car on a busy street or in a busy parking lot…

…you’ve thought ahead about grabbing that grocery cart before unbuckling anybody, or having your backpack ready to roll for your child to load up in, or talking ahead of time about holding hands or being carried. You’ve thought about it and are purposeful with just what you do. Including being gently firm with your dash-away-from-you toddler 🙂 Teaching, guiding, and learning that will keep your child safe, healthy, growing strong.

We are quite good at taking care with how we handle the above kinds of situations and many more along our journeys as parents. Sometimes after the fact a bit, sometimes ahead of time–and either way, we’ve thought a bit or for a while; we’ve become intentional with what we do.

We can and NEED to do so with all things digital in our lives.

It’s so darn overwhelming, isn’t it? And yet, look at all we already do with care and purpose in order to keep our children safe, healthy, growing strong and learning. Let’s look at how we can do so with technology, as well. Because really, there will be times when we are exhausted, sick, tending to a sick one, talking at length with Grandma who is having real troubles, frying up meat that is spattering oil all over the kitchen and kids just CAN’T be underfoot. We have to have something to entertain our kids in these moments that is quick and easy (if they are unable to entertain themselves…). And our default these days are iPhones, video games, iPads, shows to watch, and on and on.

Thoughts for you as you become purposeful and thoughtful about just what IS safe and healthy for your child…

***Choose Apps with care. Be sure there is no marketing of products to your child. Be sure there is no violence or other inappropriate content. Be sure you are comfortable with the story-line, the game, whether there is an ability to drift off onto the internet into unknown territory…

***Think about the content of anything you let your child watch, “do”, play with--does it support the kind of relationships you want them to be exposed to? Does it represent healthy ways to live and be? Is it something that spurs real conversation within your family?

***Consider audio books for your child to listen to…or books on the iPad that are used only in those moments of exhaustion, illness, cooking fatty meat on the stove 🙂 When your child gets them only at these times, they become special–and something that truly engages them just when you need it the most.

Or maybe just have a box of books or special items saved for just these moments. That’s what we did…and it works.

***Consider behavior following device use. Are they acting out? Scared? Worried? Discover why. Ask about what they saw. Let it guide YOU in considering, again with purpose, what might be better choices of Apps, videos, games.

***Educate yourself in regards to children being exposed to too much screen time. Let this knowledge guide you as you purposefully choose what is right for your children and family. You can find a lot of excellent info at the Children’s Sreen Time Action Network.

***Take a look around your home and be sure it supports your child in being safe, healthy, growing strong. Put phones out of sight and on silent during family time and meals. Watch your own use of devices when with your children. Use a real camera, a real watch, a real alarm clock. Talk about why you choose with care what and how you do all things digital. Keep all screens OUT of bedrooms. Have specific places for devices to be kept and charged, rather than spread all over the house. I know one family who has a small wooden box set up in an out-of-the-way place where all devices get dropped once home. Now they can no longer distract and it becomes an intentional act to retrieve them.

The more we can use our strength at being

purposeful to tend to all things digital in our lives, the more

likely we are modeling for our children healthy uses of technology, growing children in healthy, strong ways, and keeping

them as safe as we can.

Start today. Help your child learn with care how to BE with all the devices in your house-hold. Keep “safe, healthy, strong” as your filter, showing your little one up to your teen how best to use technology so it can be part of healthy growth and development. Because it can. With your care, your awareness, your strength at being purposeful.

With HOPE and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Appreciate Yourself

December 4, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

A PAUSE today to send out appreciation to each of you as you:

…yet again shove shoes on your uncooperative child to get them out the door with the hopes of being no later than you already are…

…stumble through your day following another sleep deprived night

…choose to let your baby cry safely in their crib for a few minutes while you take a much needed and deserved FAST hot shower

…marvel at your ability to catch the falling glass, rescue the pacifier from your dog’s mouth, put yourself between your fighting kids, and STILL keep a calm voice in the midst of it all…not to mention the gymnastics required to do all of this

…plunk your kids in front of a DVD so you can actually breathe for a short while (and maybe get dinner started…or put your feet up?)

...find yourself heating up as your teen rolls their eyes, shrugs their shoulders, uses THAT tone of voice

…successfully plan ahead for all potential ’emergencies’ before heading out on errands and to the park–you know, the snacks are made, the extra clothes packed, water bottles filled, baby wipes remembered, your wallet tucked where it needs to be…

…choosing to order pizza or nuke leftovers for the 3rd night this week–maybe with a few carrot sticks alongside. Maybe.

…actually have a twinkle in your eye as your toddler does the testing only toddlers can do

…manage week number three of illness running through your household–more runny noses, fevers, grumpy kids, throw-up to clean up, doctor appointments…and how you’ve put aside any or all of your original plans for these weeks as you focus solely on getting everyone back on their feet. Exhausting.

…open your arms to your wailing preschooler, giving them a safe place to feel their great big sad.

…wonder how you are going to make it through another day of crazy-busy…and then discover at the end of the day you did just that–made it through!

Appreciate your self. Find the gifts in it all–the chaos, the mad, the frustration, the twinkles, the successes, the challenges, the laughter. Appreciate your resilience, your efforts at planning, your compassion. Appreciate the time you carve out just for you so you can parent well–even if that means plugging your kids in for a bit or taking an extra minute in the hot shower while your little one cries.

Appreciate how TOUGH this parenting job can be and that you are still in it, moving through each day, juggling the often overwhelming nature of it all. Appreciate how you get daily (hourly!) opportunities to strengthen your patience, calm, creative, pause muscles. Appreciate the opportunities for do-overs…or those moments you actually stop yourself in the midst of blowing up, pause, reflect, and try again. Appreciate the deep caring all of this reflects–the deep caring and commitment you have for your children. What a gift.

What an amazing role model you can be for your children. Know this. And appreciate all your work. PAUSE today and give yourself a hug in your minds-eye. Wrap yourself up in your arms, tell yourself some things you are appreciating about yourself, and cherish YOU.

Appreciation out to each of my readers as you embrace your parenting journey today…

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

This is for YOU

December 3, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

I know. Really, I do. This pausing deal is extra hard–because really, it means taking even MORE time to do something. MORE time in order to respond to your child. And time? You don’t have much.

And then there’s what you keep hearing--Self-Care!

But taking ANY time for YOU is impossible. How many times do you hear “Self-Care!” and you cringe? Thinking…”Yeah, right. Self-care. As if. And even just thinking about time for me leaves me feeling even more overwhelmed and stressed!”

Parenting is HARD. Exhausting. Constant.

Would you like to feel better? Would you like to be able to say, “I DID do something for me and it left me actually feeling BETTER?”

Would you like to know, absolutely KNOW that by taking the moment to PAUSE, you actually end up having MORE time? In time, perhaps, yet definitely MORE time–mostly because as you’ve strengthened your ability to pause, you are now calmer and more connected with your children, and their “need” to act up for your attention dissipates, they actually listen to and hear you, you them…and this all translates to having MORE time. Really!

Same with those 30-second Self-Care deposits you actually CAN do. They add up. And they can leave you feeling like you have more time and that can leave you feeling a bit more relaxed…less overwhelmed. It’s a paradox, for sure, taking a bit of time and actually creating more time. And it’s surprisingly real. Maybe because, as you feel a bit better from knowing you’ve done something just for you, you have a bit more resilience. Pep. A lighter outlook to your day. Or maybe as you find you do something just for you, you discover its okay to let go of a few things, to relax a bit about the mess and chaos, go with the flow just a tad more.

So HOW do you get better at pausing and depositing into your Self-Care Savings Account? Here’s where I encourage you to take a look at both of my books. Kindle or the actual books. They are journaling style, so I like having the real thing–to write in and flip through. Kindle’s good, too, though .

They can be found on Amazon–right here: https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_2…

I hope you’ll take a look. They are short. Easy to read and feel encouraged and lifted even if you can only read one page at a time. Share with others. Write me a review on Amazon. That’s always appreciated! Discover how you really can create the kinds of positive change you want the most AND no longer be overwhelmed. At least most of the time :-).

Today you CAN pause. You CAN take care of you. You CAN feel so so much better.

You are worth it. And so are your children.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach