Self-help

Category: Self-help

All Your Kids Are Sick…

May 19, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Self-care, Self-help Comment

All the kids are sick. Goopy noses, coughing, crying, can’t sleep, neither can you. You have guests landing at your house soon, are trying to work around what initially seemed like a small remodel of the kitchen, the dog got into the garbage AGAIN, there is no peeling the cling-ons your kids have become off your legs AND you feel exhausted. Overwhelmed. Running on empty. Chaos, yuck, craziness rules the roost. Oh–and remember, you HAVE to go to work, the grocery store, the doctor’s office–probably more than once.

You are feeling awful. Exhausted and overwhelmed. Guilty for letting your kids just do whatever because it is all you can do to manage everyone’s illness and ‘regular’ life. Cereal and treats and videos and sleeping with you and, well, getting whatever they want so your sanity can prevail. Maybe.

And the last thing you want to hear from me is that you really CAN feel steady in all this chaos. Eye-rolls please. It’s okay.

Stay with me, here.

Start by taking a deep, long, breath. Even while you have octopus legs and arms wrapped around you and snotty noses rubbing themselves across your knees.

Let that breath be your much needed PAUSE.

And let me appreciate YOU for a moment, because I know how impossible it is to see through all of this yuck to what really can help you feel a bit steadier, calmer, okay no matter what is swirling around you.

Let me appreciate…

…your resilience. You are still in the game despite (or because of) all this chaos. You don’t feel this resilience I see, yet let me be clear–you have it and are using it. That is WHY you are still in the game.

…your deep care and compassion you have for your kids even as they wipe their noses on you, add 50 pounds of weight to your legs, cry constantly, keep you awake tossing and turning, fight and melt down. It is because of the deep care you have that you are still in the game. Even if “in the game” means hiding under your covers for a while as your kids are plunked in front of a movie.

…how you let go of what seemed like “have tos.” Your ability to let go of a well rounded meal, getting to work on time or at all, having a clean(er) house, your promise to never over-do screen time, getting a real night’s sleep.

This letting go? Yes, it is due to you feeling like you have NO control over any of it, yet I “see” someone who is clear on what needs to be the reality for right now. Someone who, by letting go, has been able to go with the flow a tad more, answer their children’s needs in the moment, stay present to the here and now. All things to appreciate. All things absolutely necessary to moving through the chaos well–in time.

…that retreat into the bathroom with doors locked. Just for a few minutes for the much needed RELIEF you need. You may see it as a retreat, as “I can’t handle this!” I will re-frame it as an essential Self-Care Deposit. A PAUSE that has you more likely stepping out after a few moments with just a tad more patience, resilience, maybe even a creative idea for what can happen next.

…YOUR feelings. All of them. Your guilt, your anxiety, your upset. Let me appreciate these, for I know it is hard for you to do so. We so often feel we are supposed to NOT feel this way. That it means we are, somehow, less of a good parent for being mad, guilty, anxiety ridden. Let me appreciate for you, right now, the whole and wonderful being you are that feeling all these feelings represents. Whole and wonderful.

…your humor! Sarcastic or not, that laugh you had as everything and one melted down around you? It is a gift and a strength. Use it. See it. Find it. A little humor can go a l-o-n-g way when everything else is a mess.

Okay. So you STILL are a wreck and so are your kids. But tell me, how does it feel to be appreciated despite (or because of) all this chaos? Can you really own this appreciation or are you still rolling your eyes at me? No matter, I don’t mind.

I will keep putting these appreciations out to you, for what we focus on grows. Maybe later, after everything settles for real, you will find yourself reflecting on my words. Or maybe you feel a bit relieved right now to know that things really are working in the midst of all the yuck. Either way, I appreciate your work to parent as well as you can through the hard.

And I hope you might feel steadier. Calmer. Stronger–-at least a bit. Or just steadier. We can leave it at that. Because what a difference that can make as life swirls around you–to feel steady in the midst of it all. Or steadier for the next round of chaos. What a way to help a child settle more quickly, a Big Upset to be valued and appreciated. What a way to let a little light-hearted-ness step in and step up.

So today, I appreciate you. Know this, so you don’t have to work at it yourself. Just move through today and all the challenges thrown your way KNOWING you are appreciated.

That’s all.

Take care,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

PAUSE. Let it work its magic.

April 1, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Self-care, Self-help Comment

I have been asked if a pause can become something that automatically arises “during a moment of heightened stimulus.”

Here are my thoughts and experience…

What we focus on grows. The more we can focus on creating a pause for ourselves when our buttons are pushed (pause in the more basic moments), the stronger our pause muscle gets…and is now far more likely to be called upon sooner and better in those challenging moments with our children; with anyone.

Then, over time and practice, this pause goes deeper–and our lives change. We find we trust more. We let go sooner. We feel steadier and a quiet confidence in all/much of what we do. We no longer need to feel “in control” of another or of a situation.

As a result, those moments of “heightened stimulus?” They don’t feel so heightened any more

. Sometimes they don’t even land on our radar screen. Ultimately, there are fewer and fewer of them because of the ripple out effect our ability to come from a pause has on those around us. Especially our children.

I do think this takes a lot of growth to get to the point of it “simply arising during a moment of heightened stimulus.” Or get to the point of much less “heightened stimuli.” It is more about our ability to recognize the need to pause and then actively doing so that is what is most important. To live from this pause place–calmer, listening more deeply, taking our time, waiting for a bit…

This becomes more natural, it becomes more regular, it becomes part of our physical response to anxiety-provoking stress. And now stress no longer has to feel debilitating. Instead, it is something we can recognize as an important part of what helps us get better, be better…grow. It is a reminder to care for ourselves and another from a place of PAUSE.

Here’s to you today.

If you want more on PAUSE you can check these stories of others PAUSE experiences. Mine, included! Enjoy 🙂

My Own Story of PAUSE

Migraines, Laundry, and a PAUSE

One Papa’s “Alice PAUSE”

With JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

JOY and Despair

January 6, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Healthy relationships, Self-care, Self-help, Social Emotional, Spirituality Comment

JOY and despair. They can go hand in hand. In fact, they must, if we are to move through hard times, loss, grief, frustration, struggle–darkness of any kind. To–in the midst of despair–pause and reflect on something, anything, that has brought a glimmer of joy is essential to do. Something that made you laugh a bit, put a smile on your face. Something small and silly, perhaps. Or a sweet moment with someone or something. The kind of moment that touched your heart, even if it left you in tears.

Granted, this can be incredibly difficult, finding a bit of joy or even considering that you CAN find it, when you are swallowed up by despair. The energy it seems to require is enough to turn away from the trying. The dark that can swallow you whole seems to leave no room for any bit of light.

And yet, light is there. Always. It waits patiently and silently while simultaneously slipping through every little crack of your dark times and glimmering and shimmering, until it catches your eye. It can fill a room, your soul, a heart. It can light your way, even if it seems to do so only for a brief moment. It can create the bridge between you and another–that connection that lifts you just enough to carry on.

And it always, always brings joy with it. The kind of joy that is deep, heartfelt, affirming. The kind of joy that gives grace to all of your struggle–instead of negating that struggle, it creates the space in which you can accept it, love yourself through it, and let it become a necessary part of the fabric of your being. The kind of joy that allows you to embrace your wholeness–ALL your feelings as valuable and essential to be the whole and wonderful person you are.

The kind of joy that strengthens your compassionate self, your gracious and kind and, yes, even light-hearted self. As the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu shared in The Book of Joy, “Joy and sorrow are fastened together…to linger in the longing, the loss, the yearning is a way of feeling the rich and embroidered texture of life.”

For me, it has been growing my ability to PAUSE that leads me through struggle to joy. Through darkness to light. Taking pause deeper–moving from *just* practicing it in those heated moments to living from a pause has allowed light to glimmer through the cracks and fill me and, yes, light my way. It gives me the gift of living from a calmer, steadier, more trusting place that makes room for despair, frustration, anxiety, struggle of ANY kind. And this pause? It gives room for more humor–the kind that has you laughing at yourself, delighting in time with another, deepening your connection, lifting you a bit more.

JOY and despair. They can go hand in hand. “We cannot move forward without acknowledging all the darkness…and we cannot reduce that darkness without investing in the light.” (Maria Sirois). THIS is what we all can do. Invest in the light. Find the glimmer. Create a pause and look intentionally for what shimmers in your life. Was it a sweet moment with a little one? Something that put a smile on your face? A bit of care and compassion you gave another, or another gave to you?

Invest in the light. It is always there. Let a pause help you create the space to see and feel it–ultimately, to allow it to light your way through any of the hard you are going through.

If grief is swallowing you up, perhaps this may help: It’s Personal, Our Grief.

And another wonderful place to land as you find yourself struggling is Charlie Mackesy’s work.