Category: Spirituality

JOY and Despair

January 6, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Healthy relationships, Self-care, Self-help, Social Emotional, Spirituality Comment

JOY and despair. They can go hand in hand. In fact, they must, if we are to move through hard times, loss, grief, frustration, struggle–darkness of any kind. To–in the midst of despair–pause and reflect on something, anything, that has brought a glimmer of joy is essential to do. Something that made you laugh a bit, put a smile on your face. Something small and silly, perhaps. Or a sweet moment with someone or something. The kind of moment that touched your heart, even if it left you in tears.

Granted, this can be incredibly difficult, finding a bit of joy or even considering that you CAN find it, when you are swallowed up by despair. The energy it seems to require is enough to turn away from the trying. The dark that can swallow you whole seems to leave no room for any bit of light.

And yet, light is there. Always. It waits patiently and silently while simultaneously slipping through every little crack of your dark times and glimmering and shimmering, until it catches your eye. It can fill a room, your soul, a heart. It can light your way, even if it seems to do so only for a brief moment. It can create the bridge between you and another–that connection that lifts you just enough to carry on.

And it always, always brings joy with it. The kind of joy that is deep, heartfelt, affirming. The kind of joy that gives grace to all of your struggle–instead of negating that struggle, it creates the space in which you can accept it, love yourself through it, and let it become a necessary part of the fabric of your being. The kind of joy that allows you to embrace your wholeness–ALL your feelings as valuable and essential to be the whole and wonderful person you are.

The kind of joy that strengthens your compassionate self, your gracious and kind and, yes, even light-hearted self. As the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu shared in The Book of Joy, “Joy and sorrow are fastened together…to linger in the longing, the loss, the yearning is a way of feeling the rich and embroidered texture of life.”

For me, it has been growing my ability to PAUSE that leads me through struggle to joy.  Through darkness to light. Taking pause deeper–moving from *just* practicing it in those heated moments to living from a pause has allowed light to glimmer through the cracks and fill me and, yes, light my way. It gives me the gift of living from a calmer, steadier, more trusting place that makes room for despair, frustration, anxiety, struggle of ANY kind. And this pause? It gives room for more humor–the kind that has you laughing at yourself, delighting in time with another, deepening your connection, lifting you a bit more.

JOY and despair. They can go hand in hand. “We cannot move forward without acknowledging all the darkness…and we cannot reduce that darkness without investing in the light.” (Maria Sirois). THIS is what we all can do. Invest in the light. Find the glimmer. Create a pause and look intentionally for what shimmers in your life. Was it a sweet moment with a little one? Something that put a smile on your face? A bit of care and compassion you gave another, or another gave to you?

Invest in the light. It is always there. Let a pause help you create the space to see and feel it–ultimately, to allow it to light your way through any of the hard you are going through.

Find Alice’s books here!

If grief is swallowing you up, perhaps this may help: It’s Personal, Our Grief.

And another wonderful place to land as you find yourself struggling is Charlie Mackesy’s work.

With JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2022

Cooperation, Trust, and a Healthy World

September 7, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Covid-19, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional, Spirituality Comment

“Cooperation is entirely based on trust.” (Dalai Lama, The Book of Joy)

Trust. Confidence. Compassion. Kindness. Friendship. Cooperation. Collaboration. We are lacking so much of this in our society, it seems. Everywhere we look, read, hear about there is angst, anger, altercations. True, what we focus on grows, and one can choose to focus on where it seems to all be disintegrating and disheartening–or very simply start looking another direction and see a large population of folks building upon the foundation of trust.

I feel compelled to write about this–energized by reading The Book of Joy, by my own spiritual practice, the Light I live in and by and work at radiating out. I, too, have struggled as I get caught up in the negativity of news.

I, too, have found myself full of angst, anger, and stewing over altercations. And then I am reminded to PAUSE…and intentionally focus on kindness, Light, care and compassion. I am reminded how I have a choice as to how I look at the world.

And then the cool thing happens. I find myself caring for, being kind to–in my thoughts and, hopefully, with my actions–those who are caught up in the angst, anger, and altercations. I recognize how shaken their foundation of trust is–no matter the cause. When our trust is compromised, so much can crumble. They need love and compassion more than ever. I know it can sound almost corny, to think “that’s all they need.” And yet, in a real sense, it is. Love that speaks to affirmation of feelings, acceptance of differences, receptivity to connection. Compassion that says, “I care” whether I agree or not. Compassion that reaches out and creates a shared human experience, touches upon another, welcomes in all feelings involved.

Think about a child. It is in that first year of life that trust is established. It is an essential need to be answered for a baby–trust that their hunger is satisfied, discomfort comforted, sleep had and respected. Trust that is formed via a healthy bond with a loving, tuned-in, responsive care-giver. This is where it all begins. This is where we can lay a solid foundation for the rest of life to be lived upon–and with a solid foundation, many hardships can be managed and managed well. When that trust is compromised, distrust, reactivity, upset, angst, anger and altercations grow–and all those hardships? They become far more devastating.

It feels like this is where we are at these days. Politically. With the pandemic. The fight for a healthy earth. With anything and everything that doesn’t fit our own personal view and belief. We’ve turned into an “I’m right/you’re wrong” society. As parents, when we fall into this with our own children, it becomes a battle. Trying to make them think, feel, do as we want–win/lose situations abound. Pretty relationship depleting. Pretty devastating in the long run.

And this seems to be exactly what is happening as we get immersed in the angst, anger, and altercations. To what end? For what good? Yet there IS a lot of good here–a lot of opportunity as we pause and take time to recognize it. How we handle stress and conflicts is where our relationships are born (Stress, Conflict, and Relationships). 

And that brings me to the grand opportunity we have in the midst of all the turmoil we find ourselves in.

We have the opportunity to choose how we think, feel, and react as we find ourselves in the midst of our angst, anger, and altercations. We can choose based on what I believe the majority of us want the most–a healthy, thriving world. We can choose based on the kind of relationships that leave us feeling cherished, uplifted, heard, appreciated, understood.

What does this require of us? 

Pausing, first and foremost. The kind of PAUSE that creates space in your life, allows you to ponder, to become clear about what you really want, to speak the words you really mean. The kind of PAUSE that provides the self-care necessary–the time to show yourself care and compassion so you can then do so for others. PAUSE as the practice it is that can calm, center, empower. A muscle you strengthen as you actively practice pausing all through your day.

Here’s what I have come to understand as I grow my own ability to pause and live from a calmer, more centered space:

Turmoil, pain, conflict means growth and learning. They have a place. What would it be like to feel peaceful, centered, content, and joyous no matter what the world does? From this place we become better able to serve those in pain, conflict, turmoil–we grow our ability to be empathetic and compassionate, to hear and understand. And it is then we can be truly effective in this world–transformational, even. As we better serve others with understanding, compassion and acceptance they can feel safe. It is from safety, emotionally and/or physically, that growth can occur. As we become peaceful, content, certain, our true and best selves, we become available to support and empower others. We can change the world.   

We each have a responsibility to better our world. To BE better. It begins with trust–within ourselves, for others, in God, nature, the Universe. From there, cooperation can emerge. And with cooperation we can heal, grow, be lifted and energized–we can be connected. 

With JOY, hope, and deep gratitude for the power of PAUSE to bring the Light and love we all need, for the work of the Dalai Lama and The Book of Joy,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2021 Alice Hanscam

 

 

 

 

 

Things Are Different These Days

March 9, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Spirituality Comment

I spoke with a (Grand)-dad recently who reflected on how he was brought up by a fair and firm mother. One who listened, considered, and said “no” when necessary. A mother who had clear boundaries for her son and held to them calmly and with a gentle firmness. He shared how he knew where he stood with her;  how he could count on what she said, she’d do. He also spoke of, with a bit of a smile, not liking the “no’s” even as he felt heard and understood by his mother, and how his mother was okay with his feelings. And here he now was– a curious, kind and respectful adult, embracing what life throws at him with a sense of humor and humbleness, taking care to take responsibility for himself.

He spoke to his unsettled feelings over how children are raised nowadays–and he shared that his wife told him it’s because things are different now from when he was young.

This gave me pause. Things ARE different than when he was a boy.  We have many, many families that are made up vastly differently then his traditional two-parent, stay-at-home mom experience was. We are immersed in technology and screens. We have a culture that encourages and even demands a fast paced and full life-style. We have children growing up in an environment full of digital devices and all the concerns and advantages this brings. We have so many parenting labels to try on these days. I could go on with all that is different; I’m sure you, can, as well.

Yet something very important hasn’t changed. How our children develop physically, emotionally, and mentally.

Our children’s development continues to unfold in the ways it always has. What has changed is the “Out There” and how we respond to all those outer influences when it comes to parenting, to building our relationships. The demands of our faster paced, technology driven lifestyle demands our attention. And the more we focus on that, the more it seems things change with children. And often in less desirable ways. We are more likely to live from a reactive rather than responsive place.

Parenting from a “firm and fair” place continues to be the authoritative parenting style that supports our children and our relationships in the best possible way, allowing our children to develop healthily. It requires our focus to start within ourselves. To put aside the demands of our “out there” culture/life/world and PAUSE. Think. Slow down enough to really listen to ourselves, from the inside out. The ever-increasing pull to attend to all those “out there” things robs us of our ability to live from our inner selves. And this is the core of parenting well. This is the foundation for building healthy relationships with our children (and others!), for supporting our child’s optimal development and well-being. For helping our children develop their inner selves. Essential for a healthy life.

I believe it requires us to slow down. If not from the outside, then within. Yes, you can do both–still be caught up in a fast-paced life and slow down from within. The key? Strengthen your PAUSE. Really! Start with the heated moments and discover ways to calm a bit before responding to your child. Pause, breathe, walk away, close your eyes and focus first on YOURSELF. Your feelings; your upset. Settle to the best of your ability. This one step will make a tremendous difference over time.

And what a gift to our children, as we strengthen our ability to take care of our upset and connect calmly with them. What a gift to our children as we show them the power of PAUSE and how to develop that in themselves. To learn to think and reflect a bit, to be given plenty of time to DO so (Our Children Need to PAUSE, too!). Our ability to be fair and firm, as this Grand-dad talked of, comes from our ability to take our time with our children, and guide them from the inside-out.

Our world needs this more than ever. We need to nurture our ability to BE. Our children need unscheduled time, bored time, lots and lots of nature time. And so do we. Pausing gives us the start in this kind of healing we and our society needs. Things are different, now. And our children need what they’ve always needed. Fair, gently firm guidance coming from a calm and connected adult. This has not changed.

The need for it has.

Let’s refocus. Let’s respond to what our children require from us in order to grow well. Then let this be our guide for what “out there” actually needs our time and attention.  In time, with practice, our essential BE-ing will rise up and be a real and positive influence for our children, families, communities, world.

Find Alice’s books here!

How cool is that? Here’s to this Grand-dad who I left musing on the sidewalk as he, too, considered that, in the essential ways, things haven’t changed at all. We just need to refocus.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2021 Alice Hanscam

 

 

The Space and Grace of PAUSE

December 30, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Self-care, Spirituality Comment

Something I’ve learned as I strengthen my Pause Muscle is how powerful the stillness and space that occurs can be. Powerful in the grace it gives me to…     
 
…forgive myself as I, at times, create more conflict rather than less 🙂          
…feel more meaningfully connected with another
…feel more centered and grounded from within
…be authentically ME
…deposit soundly into my Self-Care Savings Account
…have a sense of humor and lightness about just about anything
…let go of self consciousness and just ACCEPT
…be fully present to whomever I’m with or wherever I am
…listen. Completely, fully, actively.

…trust. In what I say, do, feel. Trust in life.   

The gift of this is the impact and influence on relationships this has. As any of us pursue greater mindfulness in life, we discover–maybe in just bits and pieces at first–how good this feels. How we feel more energized, connected, calm. And with many parents I’ve worked with I’ve had the honor of watching how this positively influences their children. How life calms down a bit, de-intensifies, is less rocky and chaotic. No matter what the situation is.

When this space and stillness that PAUSE allows is missing, conflict and challenge take over. They permeate our life to the point of us assuming this is the norm and our reactivity becomes a way of life and interacting. We forget what it can feel like to have the deeper, more meaningful connection with another; with our children that really can leave us feeling a JOY like no other.

We may feel tired. We may feel like we can barely keep our head above water. We often fall into the blame game, find ourselves immersed in guilt and/or anger. Even as we do practice and grow our Pause Muscle, we find we can still slip into this reactive place at times…and yet, it CAN be different. You CAN tip the balance.

You can feel the calmer, more centered and stable place more and more often. Start right now. Perhaps close your eyes and take a few deep breaths, telling yourself this is the space of a PAUSE. Or keep your eyes open as you watch your children squabble, play, work…and just watch for a moment. That’s all. Maybe gaze out your window or down into your cup of coffee. Let your gaze soften a bit and know that that is a PAUSE, too. You’ve just created a bit of space that allows a bit of stillness in.

That’s all. Begin there. Know that what you focus on grows, so those little bits? They add up over time. I remember back in the day when I was a nanny and had all the kids loaded up in my car ready to roll, I’d pause. Shut my eyes and just sit in the driver’s seat. The kids would holler and ask what I’m doing, why aren’t we going…and I’d tell them I’m starting out being quiet for a moment. Interesting thing was, in time, they did the same. Stayed quiet in their carseats and waited for me. I created a PAUSE for them, as well. Children need to pause, too.

Find PAUSE and all of Alice’s books here!

Bring a bit of space and stillness into your life by strengthening your ability to PAUSE. What we focus on grows, so each little bit? It counts. Hugely, in the long run. You and all your relationships are worth it. What a gift to all!

With JOY,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2020 Alice Hanscam