JOY and despair. They can go hand in hand. In fact, they must, if we are to move through hard times, loss, grief, frustration, struggle–darkness of any kind. To–in the midst of despair–pause and reflect on something, anything, that has brought a glimmer of joy is essential to do. Something that made you laugh a bit, put a smile on your face. Something small and silly, perhaps. Or a sweet moment with someone or something. The kind of moment that touched your heart, even if it left you in tears.
Granted, this can be incredibly difficult, finding a bit of joy or even considering that you CAN find it, when you are swallowed up by despair. The energy it seems to require is enough to turn away from the trying. The dark that can swallow you whole seems to leave no room for any bit of light.
And yet, light is there. Always. It waits patiently and silently while simultaneously slipping through every little crack of your dark times and glimmering and shimmering, until it catches your eye. It can fill a room, your soul, a heart. It can light your way, even if it seems to do so only for a brief moment. It can create the bridge between you and another–that connection that lifts you just enough to carry on.
And it always, always brings joy with it. The kind of joy that is deep, heartfelt, affirming. The kind of joy that gives grace to all of your struggle–instead of negating that struggle, it creates the space in which you can accept it, love yourself through it, and let it become a necessary part of the fabric of your being. The kind of joy that allows you to embrace your wholeness–ALL your feelings as valuable and essential to be the whole and wonderful person you are.
The kind of joy that strengthens your compassionate self, your gracious and kind and, yes, even light-hearted self. As the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu shared in The Book of Joy, “Joy and sorrow are fastened together…to linger in the longing, the loss, the yearning is a way of feeling the rich and embroidered texture of life.”
For me, it has been growing my ability to PAUSE that leads me through struggle to joy. Through darkness to light. Taking pause deeper–moving from *just* practicing it in those heated moments to living from a pause has allowed light to glimmer through the cracks and fill me and, yes, light my way. It gives me the gift of living from a calmer, steadier, more trusting place that makes room for despair, frustration, anxiety, struggle of ANY kind. And this pause? It gives room for more humor–the kind that has you laughing at yourself, delighting in time with another, deepening your connection, lifting you a bit more.
JOY and despair. They can go hand in hand. “We cannot move forward without acknowledging all the darkness…and we cannot reduce that darkness without investing in the light.” (Maria Sirois). THIS is what we all can do. Invest in the light. Find the glimmer. Create a pause and look intentionally for what shimmers in your life. Was it a sweet moment with a little one? Something that put a smile on your face? A bit of care and compassion you gave another, or another gave to you?
Invest in the light. It is always there. Let a pause help you create the space to see and feel it–ultimately, to allow it to light your way through any of the hard you are going through.
Let’s talk play. And schools. And all things essential for children to grow well and optimally, to THRIVE.
It’s increasingly discouraging and concerning that the “new norm” for schools and many parents is that our younger children–think preschool through 3rd grade–see “seat work” and screen technology as what SHOULD be what school and learning is all about.
Thank you to Creative Child for their poster
It isn’t.
And now I’ve recently learned how school districts have embraced play to be even LESS of a part of Kindergarten. Some to the extent of declaring NO play.
We’ve seen the push of inappropriate academics into lower and lower grades–inappropriate due to its demand for younger children to sit still longer, have incredible fine-motor skills as they navigate “seat work”, be exposed to screens regularly despite the American Academy of Pediatrics (and many early child development professionals, teachers, and the like) saying NO or LESS or ONLY within a rich, hands-on learning experience. To have shorter, if any, recess.
Here’s what I’m hearing about and seeing as a result of play–hands on, sensory and language rich, whole body and relationship based experiences–being displaced and even removed from schools:
~ 5-year-old boys being labeled ADHD because they cannot sit still at length to do this seat work being asked of them. It is normal for 5-year-old boys (and many little girls, too) to be unable to sit at length–they need to move move move. And yet, because we are demanding they SIT and have also removed much of their natural explorations via play and outdoor time (recess, dramatic play “corners”, blocks, games…), they of course are even more noticeably wiggly, distracted, “mis”-behaving, being seen as a problem and now labeled ADHD. Among other things.
~ Parents now struggling even more with their children. Think trying to get your 5 or 6-year-old to sit even MORE once they are home to do the homework they are now coming home with. Frustrations. Anger. Reactivity. Relationship depleting. Not the way to grow children excited to go to school, to learn, to be curious, creative, able to problem solve, read, etal…
~ Stress, depression, “mis” behavior increasing through the years for our children. Without the foundation of healthy living and learning, environments that support the play and exploration they need, our kids experience more and more stress on their young minds and bodies. Not a way to build for future healthy teens and adults.
~ Children labeled “behind” and needing special help if they aren’t reading when they leave Kindergarten. THIS is an entire post to be written about. Especially the HOW to “get them to read.” We’ve somehow forgotten that the average age of putting it all together reading-wise is 8. We’ve somehow forgotten that immersing them in all things literature from reading to and with them, telling stories, discovering what sparks them, giving them the respect of time and lots and lots of exposure to all things literature is often “enough.” Not always, but often. We WANT our children to WANT to read! Worth taking time to do so…
~ Teachers leaving the profession due to the continual and often detrimental choices being made by administrations that demand more and more of what many know is undermining our children’s emotional, physical, and mental health. These very teachers are the ones needed to mentor the younger teachers coming in who have often never experienced what a healthy and appropriate learning environment is for children. What it actually LOOKS like.
~ “No play” also translates to a lack of the essential and top priority social emotional growth our young children need in order to have the healthy foundation to continue through school as avid learners.THIS is essential, the social emotional–the working through feelings, friendship challenges, growing empathy and compassion, feeling meaningfully connected to others. Without this? Talk about a cracked foundation from which all else is expected to grow in solid ways.
~ Curriculum standards that are asking all teachers throughout a district to be on the exact same page in math or science or reading as every other teacher of the same grade. To expect that they can be. What a way to see our children as a mechanistic being–put in “ABC” and you’ll get out “DEF” no matter what. But they aren’t. They are humans. Sometimes they come to school hungry, sad, having lost a pet or a parent or just had nightmares and didn’t sleep or have some incredibly important story to share…and teachers WANT to be able to spend time on these important-to-children things. To pause in teaching a certain lesson at a certain time and talk about loss. Or friendships. Or listen to a child tell a story about something they saw that they are just bursting to tell. Talk about REAL and meaningful learning. Totally relationship building. And often lost in the midst of current curriculum standards.
I could go on. I often think about how test scores are driving everything, and that this translates into increasing “seat work” and decreasing or eliminating what children need plenty of time to do in order to learn well…
PLAY. Explore. Tousle. Debate. Get messy. MOVE. Create. Imagine.
Immerse themselves into play that has them feeling inspired to then draw pictures, write, tell stories, share, converse.
WANT to wait and listen because their teacher has more to tell them about something they are sparked about.
“Do” math by building with blocks, Legos, puzzles, creating patterns, counting out all the seashells, beads, bits of anything.
WANT to spend at length working on a book THEY write with their “inventive writing” and pictures and verbal telling of them.
Actually “sit still” as they get immersed in a story being read…and danced to, acted out about, discussed, laughed over.
I think about how my daughters’ first grade teacher had SO much going on in her classroom that had the kids moving around constantly (just what they needed), with hands-on experiences, lots of talk and song and activity. THEN she’d have them sit for 10-20 minutes doing “seat work”–and they COULD, because this was all it was and following so much wonderful movement. And was followed by even more “get up and go”!
I think about Steve Jobs and Bill Gates and many others who excel at all things technology (which seems to be one of the reasons so much “academia” is being pushed down, for kids to be able to “keep up” with our new world)–coming from a childhood filled with PLAY and exploration. Not screens. Not “reading by age 5.”
I think a lot (probably too much, I know!). And I encourage each and every one of you to stand strong and clear in your conviction that your children need plenty of time to PLAY. To go to a school environment rich in hands on, language and sensory rich, relationship based experiences. To have every possible opportunity to be enriched from a developmentally appropriate curriculum offered in your schools.
Find Alice’s books here!
Let your school board know what you think. Let your school district know what you want. Be proactive. Share with other parents. Find out what others are experiencing. Talk to your children’s teachers. Stand up for the health of your children, your families, our communities.
“It’s not so different now. Back when I was in school I remember being embarrassed and even devastated at times over what someone said about me. I got over it.”
“Things really haven’t changed that much–kids talk behind each other’s backs just like they did when I was that age.”
“Oh those middle-school kids! They are all about embarrassing and being embarrassed. They’ll grow out of it.”
You know what? Things HAVE changed. Children often cannot “get over it” or “grow out of it.” They can’t, anymore. Because now everything is recorded, shared, snap chatted, gone viral, there for the world to see. Forever. Check out this article. It is excellent. And it is only comparing 2008 to 2018: “Middle School Misfortunes Then and Now, One Teacher’s Take”
What stands out to me is the impact smart phones and social media have on the psyches of our children (and us!).
Consider these:
~ The dopamine hit that causes addiction like behavior–replaying and replaying what is so hurtful when you are the one hurt; refreshing and refreshing if you are the one doing the hurting–how many likes does my video or photo have NOW?
~ The inability to remove yourself successfully from all things embarrassing and letting your feelings process and dissipate. Instead of “time will make it better” it becomes “time amplifies and magnifies.”
~ Instead of choosing whom you want to share your experience with and when you want to do so, it is decided for you. Over and over and over again as something is shared online.
~ The lack of a “safe haven” that home ought to be–once you get home after school, you’re supposed to be able to breathe a sigh of relief, for you are away from all that happened at school. No more–for with all the devices now at home and family members equally engulfed by them, your school life has become your home life. There can be no safe space once something is online, shared, forwarded from one person to the next.
~ The greater divide that unfolds between the child hurt and embarrassed by being the subject of derisive social media posts and the child whose addiction to getting more and more likes. The first, as they seek to feel better by being “liked” or “followed” is sinking deeper into what feels like and often becomes rejection followed by depression; the second becomes bolstered towards bullying and often without understanding what they are doing, for their attention is on feeling good. All via “likes” and “follows.”
~ No longer having the respite family creates, for so often you come home to the disconnection caused by each member equally involved with devices. No wonder children can end up even further down this rabbit hole of social media and devices–if family life no longer offers the support, presence, “safe haven” from all the upsetting middle-school (and teen and elementary, too!) experiences, then the hurt child and the instigator child have no buffer necessary for processing, growing, learning. For emotional wellness.
Things ARE different. Our children need us
to do better so they can, too.
Directly from the author (Benjamin Conlon) of the article:
Smart phone and social media have “fundamentally altered how children interact with the world and not in a good way. We can change that. In addition to the “Wait Until 8th” pledge, consider taking the following steps to help your children reclaim childhood:
Propose that administrators and teachers stop using social media for school related purposes. In many districts teachers are encouraged to employ Twitter and Instagram for classroom updates. This is a bad thing. It normalizes the process of posting content without consent and teaches children that everything exciting is best viewed through a recording iPhone. It also reinforces the notion that ‘likes’ determine value. Rather than reading tweets from your child’s teacher, talk to your children each day. Ask what’s going on in school. They’ll appreciate it.
Insist that technology education include a unit on phone etiquette, the dark sides of social media and the long-term ramifications of posting online. Make sure students hear from individuals who have unwittingly and unwillingly been turned into viral videos.
Tell your children stories from your own childhood. Point out how few of them could have happened if smartphones had been around. Remind your children that they will some day grow up and want stories of their own. An afternoon spent online doesn’t make for very good one.
Teach your children that boredom is important. They should be bored. Leonardo Da Vinci was bored. So was Einstein. Boredom breeds creativity and new ideas and experiences. Cherish boredom.
Remind them that, as the saying goes, adventures don’t come calling like unexpected cousins. They have to be found. Tell them to go outside and explore the real world. Childhood is fleeting. It shouldn’t be spent staring at a screen.” (Benjamin Conlon)
YES. To all of what he writes. Wait until Eighth. Wait longer if you can. Protect your child’s health and well-being and give them the gift of a social-media, smart-phone-free childhood for as long as possible–at minimum in your own home.
Things ARE different for our children in this age of social media. What isn’t different is how each and every one of us work hard at parenting well, wanting the best for our children, striving always to grow healthy, happy, successful future adults. Feel encouraged by connecting with other parents, sharing your own concerns, as well as what works in your family, and become the village our children and each of us need for ensuring healthy childhoods and lives. We are all worth it.
Sounds good in some ways, doesn’t it? Alone Together out in the woods. Around a campfire. Day-dreaming alongside each other. Maybe meandering on a quiet walk, both lost in your own thoughts. Or hanging out in the living room all doing something different and yet, together.
Alone Together with Technology means something entirely different….as Sherry Turkle says (a professor at MIT):
“…“alone together” (labels) our heightened disconnection, which she said has resulted in kids not knowing how to empathize with each other or communicate effectively. “Across generations, technology is implicated in this assault on empathy,” she wrote in the New York Times. “We’ve gotten used to being connected all the time, but we have found ways around conversation—at least from conversation that is open-ended and spontaneous, in which we play with ideas and allow ourselves to be fully present and vulnerable.”
THIS is what I see, hear, and experience. THIS is why I write what I do for each of you as you work at understanding and intentionally changing how you use digital devices; how you recognize what is essential in building healthy relationships and growing healthy children.
This Alone Together creates dis-connection more often than not.
It interrupts real time, in person connection. It definitely can cause more angst on many levels–from being irritated with each other, to depression in our teens and young adults.
It certainly displaces the development of creativity and imagination, focused attention (though isn’t that funny, how focused our kids and ourselves can be on our devices…and yet, this in itself creates the inability to stay focused at length on conversations with another, a lesson in school, getting lost in a good book, being able to truly immerse ourselves in something hands-on and in real time).
It challenges physical development as our kids sit too much, are passively engaged with a device. It displaces language development, critical thinking skills–something we are in desperate need of more than ever as we are faced with an onslaught of “fake news” where-ever we turn. We need to be able to hone and use our critical thinking skills to navigate life.
And EMPATHY. It displaces the ability to empathize, for empathy takes the development of deep connection which spurs on compassion and understanding of another. It encourages acceptance, love, forgiveness. Empathy. It is essential.
And YES, time on devices CAN become a part of healthy developmentand it requires our own education of what it all means, our understanding of its impact, our role-modeling, our intentional selves getting clear about just how best to integrate these tools into our lives in ways that are relationship-building.
“How can we think our pre-teens and teens can handle it any better? I mean, surely we don’t think, because they can navigate the technology itself better than adults, this means they can fully manage its usage, and its effects on their psyches, their relationships, their self-worth?” (Hal Runkel, screamfree)
Okay–I’m going up on that soapbox of mine (consider yourself warned!) and I invite you to step up alongside.
How we intend for our future teens and adults to manage their world begins with our little ones. This now includes a tremendous amount of technology–and is directly influenced by OUR use of technology. What we role-model from infancy on is crucial.
It really does begin with us. So…consider this:
A baby needs a present, responsive caregiver able to tune into their nuances, rhythms, needs.
When we interact with phone in hand, we are distracted at best. What does our baby “hear”? That caring for another means choosing to be interrupted, less present, our attention divided by choice. That what they need the most to grow in a healthy way is secondary to tending to our phones, texts, Face book, tweets, snapchats, instagram, you name it.
Now baby has to work harder at getting her needs met, leading to being even more fussy, unsettled, ultimately stressed-–and this interrupts healthy growth. Not what any of us intend…nor want as it just makes our job even harder.
Know that a toddler or preschooler will copy EVERY thing you do.
As you grab your phone to talk or text while driving, or eating, or out meandering through the park with them, or bathing them, or in the midst of reading books with them they learn oh-so-much about what we deem is most important in life. That being distracted and tending to digital devices rather than being present to all the richness of the world around us, to the people we are with is how we are supposed to be in this world.
No matter how hard we try to “hide” our use (sort of like those Christmas gifts we try to sneak onto the grocery cart thinking they aren’t noticing …), they see it–clearly–and are constantly filing it away in their brains as how to live and be in this world. And as with our babies, their need for a tuned in and responsive caregiver goes unmet–and you can count on behavior to ramp up. And no, this soap box moment is not about never using our phones. It is about becoming intentional with our use…fully present to whatever we are doing.
Never think an elementary child will miss the fact…
…that you are distracted by your phone when you pick them up from school tossing a “How was your day, sweetie?” over your shoulder as you text away in the front seat. And then you wonder why they ignore you, or drive you nuts trying to get your attention, or just generally act up and make the transition from school to home totally unpleasant.
OR discover, because they, too, have a device that gets them on line, how they can “interact” with all kinds of people without you even knowing they are. And then share things that would truly disappoint and even scare you. Because they can…and they don’t have the brain growth to know that they shouldn’t. Heck, what they see you do is what they think they are doing, therefore it must be okay, right?
Never think a TEEN, with a brand new drivers license…
…will decide to safely manage their phone (aka OFF or silenced and out of reach) as they navigate streets and highways just because you’ve always said what NOT to do yet rarely followed through with it yourself. Remember back when they were little and you were busily talking or texting while driving?They haven’t forgotten. Or you might find they decide that what is most important is to get lost on their screens to the point of no connection with you at all. Or take what they did as elementary students “playing around” with somewhat unhealthy on-line interactions and evolve them into what can become truly dangerous “connections.” In real time and in-person. Or the anxiety and depression that comes as teens get totally lost in all things screens to the cost of all their relationships. All very scary.
Maybe it stirs up too much anxiety for you as you consider stepping away from your phone or device.
That’s okay. Any change in our life can stir up anxiety. Taking it in small steps for short amounts of time can help. And I guarantee, over time with your commitment, you will discover things to feel oh-so-much-better.
Try it in little ways…
…commit to reading one more book to your child before answering the text you know just came in.
…try tucking your phone into your purse AND on silent while greeting your child from school or daycare.
…put your phone away as you eat lunch with your child.
…declare dinner times digital free times and slide all devices into a drawer and out of sight.
…take a paper list into the store and leave your phone in your car.
…take a real camera on your next adventure instead of using your cell phone.
…commit to finishing whatever chore or game or conversation you are in the midst of before taking a look at your phone.
Find Alice’s books here!
That’s all. Just a few minutes at a time. What a difference it can make as you give your child your full, un-distracted attention. And then, when it is time to get back to your phone? Let your child know. And give your phone your full attention. What a way to strengthen YOUR intent on all things balanced and healthy. What a way to role-model living and relating well.
Let’s get better at managing our devices in healthy ways. You, your children, and our world deserve this.
Okay. Stepping off the soap box…thank you for listening. Hoping you’ll take action!
What would YOUR relationship with your child feel like if…
…they were regularly falling apart, melting down, having tantrums over, well, just about anything? No matter how calm, consistent, patient you were?
…their struggles in school escalated. Understanding math was real work. Reading was something they always needed help with. Writing–both the physical act and the creative–was near on impossible?
…they found it difficult to make friends, were teased and bullied often, maybe WERE the bully, themselves, or just refused to interact much with anybody?
…they were increasingly physically challenged, overweight, uncoordinated–noticeably so and to the point you enrolled them in whatever activity you could with them constantly melting down about it all?
…many of your attempts to engage your child, connect with them, truly enjoy them were resisted, ignored, or just not even recognized?
I think you’d feel frustrated, anxious, worried–deeply worried. I think you’d feel angry, resentful, exhausted. And I think, if this kind of behavior was increasingly the norm, your anxiety would be over-the-top.
How would your CHILD feel if…
…they often fell apart, melted down, had tantrums over, well, just about ANY thing? That their “norm” was always REACTIVE?
…they felt like a failure in school. That everything about math, reading, writing was just HARD?
…they were teased and bullied, ignored, alone. Or if they could only “make” friends by being the bully?
…they KNEW they were physically challenged, overweight, and uncoordinated–mostly because all the kids around them told them so?
…they couldn’t feel the connection and engagement you were trying ever so hard to have? That it just wasn’t “there” for them?
I think they’d feel at a total loss in life. Adrift. Confused. Unhappy. Angry. Depressed. A real lack of self-confidence. All of it.
And I KNOW–with no dancing around it any more–that what are now being called Sensory Deprivation Devices (aka Digital Devices) are becoming the greater and greater cause for the failure of truly healthy and optimal development for our children.
Stay with me, here. All of the relationship challenges I shared at the start? All are increasingly felt and experienced by parents, teachers, and children alike.
Something we know as a fact is how young children learn best–with their whole body, all their senses, within a secure and connected relationship with us.
Learning with their whole body makes them active learners, imposing their ideas, imagination, actions on the world around them. And it grows a brain that is incredibly rich in all the necessary neural pathways for all learning.
Enter in a digital device. Of which is an integral part of many children’s lives now. All the “learning” from a digital device? For young children there is little to no real learning. All that IS learned is that they are no longer active learners, imposing their imaginative ideas and actions on the world around them.
Instead, they become passive.
They sit (or wiggle or get antsy while all the while UN-able to disconnect) and stare at the screen. Maybe poke and swipe and tap and giggle, as they see they can make things happen. But those things? They really mean nothing, for our young children do not have the brain development to understand these symbols on a screen represent anything in real life. And by continuing on with so much screen use, they cannot develop the necessary and deeper understanding of and around these symbols.
Yes, they can recognize numbers and letters–makes us feel quite proud that they can! And yet, by continuing on with “learning” this way, we are actually displacing the ability to truly LEARN at the deeper, important level that grows our children well.
Think about this. When you think of a ball, for instance, maybe you think of a certain kind of ball because of your experience with balls. Maybe you can imagine holding one, bouncing one, rolling one. You can sense the weight as you consider a basketball or a bowling ball. You even have a memory of how one smells, often. You think about the catch game, the bowling game, the loud thunk of the volleyball on your arm and how it stung.
Talk about rich and meaningful and ESSENTIAL.
When you now see the symbol of a ball on a screen, all your hands-on experiences allow you to truly enjoy, relate to, understand that ball on the screen. Now take your child’s experience with the screen version–our child sitting on an app “playing” ball. NONE of what you know about balls is being learned. And now, because they are on a screen, the time they could be playing with a real ball has just been displaced. Again. Now they take their passive, one-dimensional “experience” with a ball and it becomes the filter by which they see and experience balls in the three-dimensional world. Very limiting. Especially when it comes to brain health.
This is extremely detrimental to your child’s healthy and optimal growth. And it has become the norm. We have bought into screens and all things digital as an essential part of our child’s life and, hence, development.
Consider brain development.
Between birth and age 3 the brain grows to 80% of its final adult size. 90% by age 5. And all that growing? It is about neural pathways being developed. What grows these neural pathways?Hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship based, whole body experiences. In front of a screen? It is a fairly limited landscape, the brain. How scary is that? We see the results as our kids move through school…life…and they struggle. More and more. And it’s becoming “normal” to many, all this struggle. The cumulative effects of all this screen time is being seen–in schools, in homes, within relationships.
What CAN we do?
Oh it really is so very simple. It may take some adjustment for those who are immersed in digital devices, and yet it really is still simple.
Really, this is what it comes down to for young children–and I will include kids well into elementary school for this. PLAY. REAL play. Play that is non-adult directed. Play with open-ended items rather than commercialized figures–you know, all those toys that represent something someone else made up, and what someone else determined what to do with them.
Play with balls, blocks, Lego. Play with paper and crayons and markers. Play with play-dough and popsicle sticks. Play with dirt and water and rocks and moss and leaves. Play with books books books. Play with blankets and boxes and daddy’s big boots. Play outdoors, under tables, with flashlights.
PLAY that allows them to process feelings, upsetting experiences, changes in their lives. It is through play that kids learn to understand and manage LIFE. As we increasingly take it away, they are left adrift. unable to manage themselves in so many ways. Hence so many troubles increasing for our children, and for us.
PLAY IS the way children grow best. And it is being taken away. As time with devices accumulates:
Children struggle with learning. With math and numbers and quantities and spatial concepts. They struggle with comprehending stories, words, lessons. They have a hard time imagining and creating pictures in their mind as they listen.
Children struggle connecting with others–building friendships, being a friend, negotiating, problem solving.
Children struggle with feelings–they just don’t have the inner resilience as things disappoint or fail and they melt down. Tantrum. Fall apart. Act out and hurt another or themselves.
Children struggle with weight, physical well-being, coordination. How can they truly know how their body works in space when they’ve spent so much time on a screen? Talk to high school coaches for their take on this one…
Children struggle with relating to US. To parents. We begin to lose them. Ask parents of teenagers.
I ask each and every one of you to PAUSE and truly consider the real and life-changing deprivation caused by over-use or inappropriate use of digital devices.
To think about just how and why apps are advertised as something that will “spark your child’s imagination!” or “grow their math skills!”. Consider the marketing and who is doing the marketing. Think about how you really hope to “see” your child as they head off into the world as an adult. Consider what kind of relationships you intend and thoroughly relish. Consider your child’s ability to think, reflect, imagine, create, problem solve, focus, persevere, connect, feel strong from the inside out.
Mostly, consider what YOU can do differently to be sure your child is being enriched by plenty of hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship based, whole body PLAY. Take steps to keep all device time minimal or if you feel already lost to all of it and want to know WHAT to do, start with giving your child time to squish play-dough at the dining room table. Alongside you, initially, if they need practice at playing. Or coloring. Or just reading books. Stick with it, as you create a bit of change in your house-hold. Trust your child to want to play. It is their work, it is what they are wired to do. Give them the space, time, and environment in which they can and watch the magic begin.
That’s all. Start there. Keep incorporating more time for PLAY and less–WAY less–time for devices.
In time you will notice things to feel better–for you and your child. You will notice they manage themselves a bit better, feel more encouraged in school, want to connect with you, have friends over, know themselves better, eat and sleep better, everything. It really does change for the better–the MUCH better–as you intentionally make regular time to step away from all those Sensory Deprivation Devices.
Find Alice’s books here!
It is essential we do so. Our children need us to KNOW what’s healthy and good and say NO to all things screens…and YES to being Tech Intentional in all we do.
Take steps today to help your child thrive. Need more? Check out the Screen Time Network. Full of community, resources, research–so much that can help you feel confident in bringing digital wellness into your family. Check out Dr. Nancy Carlsson-Paige‘s video on Technology and Young Children, and her guide for parents, as well.
Warning–I’m stepping up on a soap box, here–and would like to make room for you to stand beside me. (If you are a parent of a baby, this absolutely pertains to you, as well…this is where it all begins and can be changed).
It is past time to get serious.
I, and many, many others (professionals and parents alike) are hearing how incredibly HARD and overwhelming and confusing all things SCREENS has become.
We are caught between “My kids are growing up in this tech world and have to learn how to live and work in it–hence, I’m going to let him have access to all things digital”…
To…
“I just don’t know what to DO. My child won’t listen, come to the table, stop playing on his device, is often testy and even angry, and I just feel LOST in how to GET HIM TO STOP”
To…
“I’m very, very frightened.”
This, from many, MANY parents of teens (12 on up) who are depressed, anxious, suicidal. Who are addicted, lost, shut out of the family, unable to connect with others, irritable at best, suicidal at worst. The numbers have gone rocketing skyward this past decade…just as our digital device and screen use has, as well. Lots of research on this one.
This is our culture and lives as we immerse ourselves ever deeper into digital devices. We have bought into what all the makers of all things digital are feeding us. That we NEED this. And yet, not only are they the ones keeping their own children away from them, they are also the ones saying they develop these in such a way to BE addicting. That way we do need them. And we spend our money, immerse ourselves deeper, and then our need becomes addiction. Many of us have felt this pull.
Many of us have gone down the rabbit hole all the way to anxiety and depression. Maybe you, reading this right now, realize you are one. I know I’ve been there.
We are losing our kids to all of this, too.
And many of our schools (even as teachers are expressing real concern and discontent over this) are buying into it fully. Screens are all the way down into Kindergarten, and many preschools as well. Families are handing their infants and toddlers their phone to play on…an iPad to sit in front of…remember that iPotty that was marketed for awhile? Scary.
Middle and High schools are wanting kids to bring in their smart phones–ostensibly for using as part of their classroom work–and yet, what do we know about this age group? Far more interested in peers…and this takes them to social media, porn, all things centered around what matters most to them–friends and sex and independence (from us).
What is considered best practices when it comes to teaching?
Research for decades has shown “hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship based, whole body experiences” to be. Not sitting in front of screens at length. (And yes, screen use within a rich and diverse curriculum is an entirely different story yet a seldom heard one–probably because they become the emphasis rather than just a part).
What to do?
ASK your schools HOW they know screens are the way children learn best. Find out what they’ve noticed as a result of incorporating screens. Talk to the teachers (many of whom are equally concerned and frustrated). Ask them to SHOW you the research they are basing all this on. There is plenty of research to show otherwise.
ASK yourself how YOUR use of your phone or other devices is truly helping you build connected, respectful relationships with your children. Oh heck–with your SELF.
ASK yourself just what you want the most as you think to the future with your children–what kind of family life, what kind of relationships, what kind of LEARNER do you want to send out into the world? Then think about right now. What are you doing to support just what you hope for. What MORE can you do? And how much of it is about managing your own screen time so your children can learn to manage theirs?
ASK yourself what you need for yourself that you can stand strong and clear in saying NO to your child begging for a smart phone. NO to “but everyone else is doing it, mom!” NO to distracted interactions. NO to “just one more text, post, movie, You Tube, video game…”
Our children need us.
To feel empowered to stand for what, in our gut, we know is right and good and all things growth oriented.
To go to the teachers, schools, administrators, and any one else you can and tell them NO to all things screens in your schools.
To educate yourself on just what best practices and developmentally appropriate means for each age and stage.
To stand for the kind of hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship based learning environments kids do best in.
To go to EACH OTHER and support, encourage, talk. It’s going to take a serious village to get a handle on our screen use so we CAN grow in healthy ways. We need each other.
It’s going to take a village to stand up to the makers of all things tech/digital/screen and say NO we don’t NEED this in order to live and be well. That designing things in such a way they become addicting is NEVER okay.
We have to work hard at swinging our culture towards healthy living, relating, growing, thriving. It is going to take YOU. Starting today and becoming clear and intentional about what is important for you and your family. And then being the parent and standing for it. Strongly.
No matter how your child or others react–stand strong, clear, certain in your intent to grow healthy everything in your family.
There is plenty of help for you. There are plenty of others walking your path. Join them. Be vocal. Share your own struggles. Come up with small steps towards balance with all things screens.
Want to explore more? Check out the Children’s Screen Time Network. Check out the link to their conference. Lots of info waiting for you there. Check out their resources. Amazing. Take a look at an article I wrote We Need to KNOW and Say NO
Let’s get the conversation and then the action going. Share right here, share on my Facebook page. Share your questions, concerns, what IS working.
Let’s help everyone become more aware and educated on what is happening, with the hope being all of you just starting out on your parenting journey will begin today, with your baby, to choose actions that strengthen connection, respect, healthy growth and development.
Okay. I’m stepping to the side of my soap box. Making room for YOU to stand alongside me.
Granted, this can be incredibly difficult, finding a bit of joy or even considering that you CAN find it, when you are swallowed up by despair. The energy it seems to require is enough to turn away from the trying. The dark that can swallow you whole seems to leave no room for any bit of light.
What stands out to me is the impact smart phones and social media have on the psyches of our children (and us!).
And EMPATHY. It displaces the ability to empathize, for empathy takes the development of deep connection which spurs on compassion and understanding of another. It encourages acceptance, love, forgiveness. Empathy. It is essential.
A baby needs a present, responsive caregiver able to tune into their nuances, rhythms, needs.
y’d feel at a total loss in life. Adrift. Confused. Unhappy. Angry. Depressed. A real lack of self-confidence. All of it. 
