DON’T run; DON’T climb on the table; DON’T touch; DON’T hit; don’t whine; don’t be late; don’t talk to me that way; don’t be so mean; don’t don’t don’t...and they keep on doing.
Frustrated? Exhausted? Worried??
Wondering when they’ll ever LEARN?
Here’s the deal–whatever we focus on we get more of, so choose with care what you say to your child. Make it what they CAN do and you will discover this is what you will get more of.
Ideas for you:
~ “When we are in the store, we use our walking (or tip-toeing or skipping or…) feet. I’m thinking I’m going to march along…how about you?” And then join in alongside...
~ “Okay! Time to be right alongside me so we can be safe as we cross the parking lot…would you like to hang on to my purse handle, my hand, or do you think you can walk right next to me all by yourself?”
~ “When you use your regular voice, I can listen to you; if you need to whine, the whining room is downstairs–when you are done, you are welcome to talk with me!” Or perhaps “I can tell you need something. When you can use your regular voice, I’ll be able to understand how to help you.”
~ “I know it hurt your feelings when your friend said those things to you. I bet it hurt hers, too, when you used unkind words right back. What do you think a friend could do to help in a situation like this?”
~ “Tables are for sitting at. I can tell you feel like climbing! You can climb on the couch if you’d like, or choose to sit on the chair at the table and I’ll get you your crayons…a snack…”
~ “The fragile glass is for our eyes only. Can you see the different colors in it? Let’s use one finger to touch carefully–just like that!” Or maybe, “…the glasses on the shelf belong on the shelf–would you like to choose one of your sippy cups and get a drink?”
~ “We use gentle hands on our kitty–pat-pat she likes that! Do you hear her purring? She’s telling you how good that feels…”
~ “Please be ready to go in 10 minutes–if you need some help getting your things together, let me know!” Or…”Be on time so we can stop at the store for the things you need!” And always–“…thank you for being ready to go.” (whether on time or not!).
~”Hitting me is never okay, it hurts–can you use your words to tell me what you are mad at?” Perhaps followed by “Here’s what you CAN hit in our house–the pillows, the couch, the balloon, the floor–which do you want to hit as hard as you can?” And then join in alongside...
~ “The things under the sink are for mommy and daddy only. You can have the things in this cupboard, if you’d like. Let’s peek inside and see what’s in there…!”
~ “The oven door stays closed when it is hot. You can turn on the oven light, if you’d like, and we can peek through the window together. Oooh! I wonder what we are going to see??”
~ “You know, I can hear you, but your tone is making it difficult for me to really listen. When you can use a respectful tone of voice, I’m ready to listen to you.” And then be ready to accept their attempt at saying things more respectfully…even when it still sounds on the snarky side of things...
What we focus on grows.
Spend more time letting your child know what he can do, what it is you do want. Now they can truly learn in a positive and productive direction with less conflict over time. So often we get into a battle trying to ‘make our child behave’ and this battle? If we paused, considered what we really wanted, then responded to our child based on that–there would be far fewer battles. Instead you’d have an opportunity to help your child learn a little bit more about themselves, about what they can and cannot do, about what is expected and what is their responsibility. Truly a win/win for all.
So choose tod
ay to focus on what your child CAN do in a situation. Even if it is to just sit next to you or hold tight to your hand as you navigate a less than child-friendly experience…no need to fill it with your anxiety via “don’ts!”
Fill it instead with your certainty that your child can do what is expected–over time, with your calm, connected guidance leading the way.
Here’s to letting your calm connection lead the way.
With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam