“How To Raise an Independent Child with the Right Values” A powerful short video. I so appreciate Dr. Coulson sharing his story. Important for all of us as we work to parent well. (Thank you to The Daily Goalcast on Facebook).
“Well, dammit, they are good rules and I expect you’ll keep them. That is part of being in this family.” Potentially said after a teen daughter shares big upset over not going to a party that had a lot of the less desirable things occurring…and therefore against the rules of the family.
Sounds good, hmmm? Especially when those good rules are all about keeping our children safe, our values upheld, US feeling calm, proud, and IN CONTROL.
How about: “You are nearly an adult. I think these rules are good rules. Do we need to rethink the rules?”
It comes down to what we want the most as a parent. Do we want our child to become a future independent, strong-from-the-inside-out, responsible adult with a relationship with them that feels healthy, strong, close? Or do we want a future adult who resents us, pushes back against us, refuses to be a part of our lives? And potentially struggles, deeply, with adulthood?
It really is our choice.
As Dr. Justin Coulson says in his story, “Force creates resistance. Great relationships build autonomy, which allows us to leverage trust and builds massive influence.”
THIS is what I and many others write about, share, encourage for parents--the ability to step into a place of positive influence with your focus on building a GREAT relationship.
It requires a PAUSE (more like a million pauses…). If you take the few minutes to watch this, you will discover a very key pause of Dr. Coulson’s that made all the difference in the world to his daughter.
It requires us to LET GO of controlling our child–of trying to make them do things our way, to feel the way we want them to feel, to think how we want them to think.
It asks us to role-model INTEGRITY. To live the very values and feelings and actions we hope to see in our child. Yet give them the space to decide for themselves what their values, feelings, and actions will be.
It demands us to grow ourselves–to be able to manage all that ANXIETY parenting brings. Where Dr. Coulson pauses to finally ask his daughter about revisiting the rules, he is also working ever so hard to control is anxiety over what could be her answer…as parents, we all live this. 
THIS is why we try so hard to control our children’s actions–so we don’t have to manage our anxiety.
Hal Runkel of screamfree calls this (and so do I) being “responsible for” rather than “responsible to.” Check out my article, “You are not responsible FOR your child.” By being more focused on getting our child to do things the way we want them to do, we are asking them to manage OUR feelings. That how WE feel is really up to them, that they are responsible for OUR feelings. Hmmmm.
Totally unhealthy. And quite common as we struggle with how to deal with all the upset parenting can bring. It communicates to our child our lack of confidence in their ability to learn about and manage their own thoughts and feelings, that they need us to manage their life, that we don’t think how they feel is of value, that we cannot handle how they are thinking and feeling. Hence they need to do it our way.
So really, this is more about us, this parenting deal. More about OUR ability to think of that future adult we intend to send off into the world.
To grow ourselves.
To think about just what kind of relationship we do want with our children.
To let a PAUSE lead the way, to be willing to step into the uncomfortable, and RESPECT our children enough to ask questions, listen to their answers, share our thoughts…
…yet let go of demanding they do it our way.
And now? You are far more likely to nurture
that Great Relationship, build autonomy, have a strong
foundation in TRUST, and be that positive influence–that MASSIVE influence your child needs the most.
Check this story out. Ask questions. Share your story. I care about all of our relationships, for it is how we can change the world…
Respectfully,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2019 Alice Hanscam
A baby needs a present, responsive caregiver able to tune into their nuances, rhythms, needs.
Those ball games in the rain? They began with a bat and soft ball. I do believe it was way more fun to actually chase the errant ball that seemed to always get “hit out of the park” and over the fence. Racing through the gate to discover where it landed was as much fun as swinging the bat.
