Story time! One full of BIG feelings.
A mama caring for a 4-year-old (Mr. G), a 3.5-year-old (Mr. K), and two infants–8 and 10-months old. And a visitor (me), Miss Alice.
A handful, at times. You know, preschoolers being out-of-bounds, LOUD and BIG, insistent and ever-so-exuberant in all things? And boys, to boot.
Mama was rocking one baby to sleep, and another was crawling all around. Boys playing EXUBERANTLY downstairs….and then:
“NO! NONONONONONONONO!” STOP!!!” Feet pounding up the stairs, BIG alligator tears and wails and all-things-UPSET.
And here’s the beginning of what I had the privilege to witness. A lovely, just-right working through of BIG feelings that was all-things-relationship BUILDING and all-things positive and essential growth for young children.
Mama slowly and calmly moved from rocking baby, to kneeling down on the floor, opening up her arms and Mr. K. poured himself into her lap…Mr. G stood next to her, his words running over themselves as he said,
“Mr. K tugged and pulled and I wanted to go see Miss Alice and he PULLED my shirt like THIS and and and…”
Tears of discontent and “NONONO! I wanted Miss Alice and my Quiet Time and he he he he…” from Mr. K sobbing in Mama’s lap. 
Mama, calm and quiet, rubs Mr. K’s back as he buries his head, reaches out and touches Mr. G and says to him, “Mr K tugged and pulled on your shirt and you didn’t like that.”
Mr. G, “NO. I didn’t! I wanted to see Miss Alice FIRST!”
Mama, “You wanted to get up the stairs fast to see Miss Alice.”
Mr. G, “YES. And he..he..he pulled on me like THIS…and I didn’t LIKE it and I didn’t want to stop…” and he took a breath and stopped for a moment. Mama looked at him and smiled in an understanding way.
Then Mama turned her attention to Mr K, “Mr K, I’d like to listen to what you want to tell me, now.” And Mr K broke out into fresh sobs and said, “I wanted to do my Quiet Time with Miss Alice and Mr G wouldn’t let me and he wouldn’t STOP when I said STOP so I pulled on his shirt to STOP him….”
Mama, “You really wanted to see Miss Alice and invite her to join you for your Quiet Time. You were really worried that you wouldn’t be able to do this because Mr G wanted to see Miss Alice, too.”
“Yeeeeeessssssss!”
Mama paused. She looked at Mr G standing there next to her, listening intently with furrowed brow and said, “Mr G, how are you feeling right now?”
And here’s where something lovely happened–Mr G PAUSED. He thought for a moment…and then said, “Happy…AND mad!” To our complete delight and surprise, as you can imagine! Yet it made sense…
Happy because he had been listened to. Happy because he could count on being heard and respected. Happy because real and meaningful attention was being given to something very serious to two little boys. MAD because he really didn’t LIKE having his clothes tugged and pulled on. MAD because he really wanted to “go see Miss Alice first.” And able to express both because attention to feelings has been meaningful work in his family.
And Mr K chuckled. In the midst of his sobs, he heard Mr. G’s words and they brought a bit of laughter and lightness even to Mr K.
Then Mama, also smiling a bit, said, “Mr K, how do YOU feel right now?” And that bit of laughter subsided and he said, “I’m NOT happy. I’m SAD.”
And tears all over again. 
This mama? She sat on the floor in the midst of all the Great Big Mad and Sad. She reflected back to each boy what they said. She listened carefully to both. She never once tried to solve their conflict. She never once offered up a distraction or tried to hurry through it all. She never ONCE admonished Mr G for pushing past Mr K to “be first” or Mr K for pulling on Mr G’s clothes to try to stop him. This was important, for this really wasn’t where the real learning needed to be. It needed to be on understanding feelings and being heard and comforted for both boys to actually learn and grow and eventually listen and understand each other. And eventually NOT push past or tug on clothes.
She sat in this all even with one baby crawling up and over and around and in and out and the other fussing a bit since the rocking had slowed. Also both needing some attention…and yet…seemingly able to wait.
She just sat and listened as they re-hashed and re-told and re-demonstrated what felt like an injustice on both their parts.
You’d think it would go on forever, with no distraction or new idea or “Okay, boys, enough already” from Mama. But instead, they both–ON THEIR OWN–reached the point of done. They BOTH felt heard, comforted, sorted out. They both got to that place of feeling in charge of their feelings, in charge of themselves, and empowered because of this.
Seven minutes. That is what this took. And then Mr K got up from Mama’s lap, grabbed his Quiet Time backpack, took Miss Alice’s hand and off they went to be together.
Mr G watched them go, then turned to Mama and said, “Let’s play hide and seek!”
That’s all. I had the privilege of watching all of this. I had to work at pausing, too, you know. I wanted to “jump in” a bit. All those BIG feelings? They feel a bit uncomfortable. You want to fix them, make them go away, stop them. I knew better and I paused, but I want you to know I, too, can feel uncomfortable in another’s big feelings.
I took my lead off of Mama. I took my lead off of my own words to all of you. I let a PAUSE lead MY way. It let me watch. Listen with care. Notice and appreciate. And it had me going to kneel next to the boys near the end of it all and offer my hand to Mr K and let him know I, too, was ready for Quiet Time.
Truly a lovely, important, necessary exchange for all.
Today, let a PAUSE lead your way. Let it slow you down a bit, allow you to really listen to another, observe a situation, notice what can be appreciated. What a difference this makes. A real, meaningful difference. These two boys? They still have challenges and conflicts with each other. AND they move through them more and more on their own. Because they CAN. They know they will be heard, respected, understood. And really, that can make all the difference.
With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam
