confident kids

Tag: confident kids

Ready for Kindergarten!

August 3, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, School and education, Social Emotional Comment

Have a Five or Almost Five Year Old? Or a Will Be Just Six in the Fall?

Here’s what a Ready For Kindergarten child “looks” like:

Confident. Persistent. Cooperative. Collaborative. Empathetic. Self Controlled. Problem Solver. Creative. Communicative. Curious.

And here is what it takes to GET a little one ready for school–to have that solid SOLID foundation from which all else grows:

Playing, talking, singing, and reading together

with a fully present adult.

(Thank you to Best Beginnings for the pictures that made this photo and for all the work you do to help children and families!)

And I’ll add a few other things for that foundation upon which all else can flourish:

A parent who is intent on growing themselves to be better, stronger within, more confident and clear, able to be calm and comfortable in whatever their child throws at them (OR, acting-as-if they are as they work at strengthening just this!)…PAUSE. It really makes a relationship-building difference.

A parent who takes responsibility FOR the kind of physical and emotional environment their child grows in. And works at keeping it healthy all through the years.

A parent who takes responsibility FOR understanding child development, reaching out for help, discovering resources and all other support, knowledge, encouragement available–and then uses it.

A parent who takes responsibility FOR how they decide to think, feel, and act no matter how their child decides to do the same. And hopefully decides to do so from a respectful, kind place. Relationship-building all the way. More on this can be found here.

And now a child–with wonderful talking, singing, playing,

and reading with their special and present adult and an adult

who grows their calm, consistent, confident, responsible TO

their child selves–can more likely flourish.

And BE ready for Kindergarten and all things SCHOOL. Sometimes at age 5. Sometimes at age 6.

Check out Best Beginnings –lots of fantastic resources for parents no matter where you live.

Let the learning begin.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Say You’re Sorry!

May 24, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional 4 Comments

“Say you’re sorry!” “Go apologize and MEAN it.” “You don’t sound like you’re sorry to me!” “She won’t want to be your friend anymore if you don’t apologize right now…”

Sound familiar? This is a hot topic for many–we want our kids to have good manners, to truly feel and show compassion for another, to want to apologize from a heartfelt, authentic place.

Yet when we tell them “Say you’re sorry!” what are we really communicating? I think:

~I need you to apologize so I can feel better about what just happened…

~This is how we fix problems…

~I need you to do what I say so I can feel I’m a good parent…

~You need me to tell you how to feel and behave…

~I’m in control of you…(bigger and stronger wins)

~Integrity is secondary to apologies–what you do doesn’t have to be aligned with how you feel or think…just do it anyway.

Whew. Maybe not the message we really want to give. Yes, manners are important and apologies necessary.

Encouraging the growth of this from within–a genuine desire to (re)connect and show compassion, being in our integrity–is essential for healthy relationships.

Think about it. How might YOU feel if, after being hurt deeply by a friend they brushed you off with a cursory “I’m sorry…” or after a tearful yelling match with your teen that left you feeling raw, your spouse said, “How could you lose it like that?! You need to go apologize to him!”

I’d venture to say you might feel more hurt, maybe misunderstood and alone, or even mad.

Often situations our children are in that we catch ourselves telling them to go apologize are defined by just the same kinds of feelings. Hurt whether they are the one doing the hurting or being hurt; frustrated and mad their favorite toy was grabbed, a cool idea rejected, some other injustice experienced; misunderstood because their feelings and thoughts weren’t respected, because the adult missed all that led up to the conflict, because they weren’t listened to; alone because they are misunderstood, not listened to, hurt on the inside, feeling rejected; MAD because they really didn’t like what their buddy did and their feelings overflowed…

Having your child say “I’m sorry” is going to do very little for a child to grow an understanding of how they feel, why they feel, what they can do with all these feelings–all precursors to compassion. The words I’m sorry” are more often about our need, not our child’s.

So what CAN you do to grow the genuine, integrity based, heartfelt ability to apologize?

~Role model, always. Be genuine with your own apologies. Voice compassion for your child, others, and their situation.

~Name and affirm feelings of all parties involved. Just think, if your spouse, following the tearful yelling match with your teen, had said “Honey that was really tough. Let me hold you for a minute while you pull yourself together” how might you now feel? How might that change the next step you took? I bet you’d feel connected, understood, cared for–and in a better position to now re-connect with your son and apologize for losing it. And it would have come from a genuine place within you.

~Give choices/ideas: “What can you do to help him feel better?” “When you are ready to let her know you feel sorry, she’ll appreciate it.” “Can you use your words or would you like to show her you feel sorry?” Words, smiles, pats, sharing a toy, playing next to–these are all authentic ways kids can show they are sorry.

~Notice what your child chooses/does on their own to express their apology/their feelings and name it: “Thank you for offering your special stuffed guy to your friend. You wanted to help him feel better. What a nice thing to do to let him know you felt sorry.” Or, “I can tell you are letting him know you feel sorry for hurting his feelings…” Now they learn that their gesture is welcomed and affirmed, leading to–in time–using their words as well as their actions in authentic ways.

And now you are helping your child learn a bit more about what healthy, caring relationships look like.

Genuine apologies are on their way. It takes time to grow a child who can tap into their inner selves and respond with compassion and honesty in a difficult situation. Time, patience, and gentle guidance…trust this. “I’m sorry” will follow…and be truly meant.

Relationship building all around…

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Respectful Mama and Papa Moments

April 7, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Respectful mama and papa moments truly appreciated:

~ The mama of a 13-month-old working hard at climbing up a ladder to reach the top of a slide. Young Toddler was quite focused on placing his feet with care, practicing up and down motions with each leg on each ladder rung, pausing to take in other kids’ antics around him, then back to navigating the steep upward climb he was on. This mama? She stayed quietly behind him, never interrupting, always watchful. She gave him his space to navigate on his own time. And when he reached the top? Oh his JOY over his accomplishment! And it was HIS accomplishment. Mama’s eyes twinkled at mine, for I was happily watching from the other side. Her respect shown to her young toddler to do his own work at his own pace spoke volumes to this little guy.

~The mama with a 3-year-old who has decided dogs make him quite worried…any dog, any size. Her calm self offering up her arms as he decides a dog is too close to him (this includes the ones 50-feet away and on a leash walking the opposite direction ), her soothing words as she names his worry, her respect for how long he needs to be close to her and when he decides he is ready to move away on his own. Quiet, calm, affirming…respectful.

~The papa of a 9-month-old baby in the midst of meeting many new folk always asking his little one first whether she was ready for Grandma, for Auntie, for another to hold her...and respecting her response as she either clung more tightly to papa or leaned out to the new person. Asking first, observing with care, describing what he saw, “You aren’t ready for Susan to hold you” or “You’d like to see Uncle Charlie!”, and then respecting his little one by holding her longer, or passing her over–always staying near and ready to receive her right back as needed. What a way to communicate “your feelings are valued and important…” So truly respectful.

~The mama in the hardware store who let her 5-year-old use her as the hiding place from which to play peek-a-boo and “You can’t see me!” game with another adult (me). As the rambunctiousness ramped up (yes, I really did slow down my game as she ramped up!), mama so respectfully got down next to her daughter, put her hands on her shoulders and told her in a quiet voice that it was time to settle down. Calm, gentle, quiet, yet firm. Respectful. Now the little girl and I just flashed grins at each other…letting our game go

~The parents of a kindergartner who have intentionally chosen to parent entirely differently from how they were each brought up. They both decided that “Because I TOLD you so” would not be in their vocabulary for it was always hurtful to them as they grew up in their respective households…and instead to state gently to the ever-negotiating 5-year-old, “Because I’ve asked you to…” What a simple change of words that expresses such respect. Lovely.

What have you noticed and appreciated of recent? How has PAUSE helped YOU to connect with your child from a calm, connected, respectful place? Give PAUSE a try today…it really can work wonders.

With JOY and appreciation,
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Keep Your Promises

February 11, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

I’ve been thinking a lot about integrity. Saying what you mean and meaning what you do. ‘Standing in our integrity’ translates to having our thoughts, feelings, and actions all in alignment with what we believe.

How does this translate to our children? Keeping our promises; building trust and respect. Key for healthy relationships. (Thank you to ScreamFree and Hal Runkel for “Keep Your Promises”)

How often do you find yourself saying:

…”I’ll be there in a minute!” and it isn’t until your child is melting down next to you 20 minutes later that you put down what you were focused on to help them? And now, of course, there is no help to be had, for total melt down has unfolded.

…“After soccer practice we can stop for ice-cream!” as you are trying to get your kids out the door and you know the promise of ice-cream will make it actually happen in a more timely way. But then following soccer you say, “It’s too late for ice-cream–sugar isn’t good for you, anyway.” Whew, at least you GOT to soccer on time, so now you can just ‘put up’ with the cries and complaints in the back seat–“…but you PROMISED…”

…“Yes you can have a guinea pig, cat, dog, (fill in the blank) when you are 10!” Then when they turn ten you come up with a million excuses why a pet just won’t work right now, how they aren’t responsible enough, that you just don’t have TIME to take care of a pet. Okay, maybe a fish…

…“Just calm down, young man!” as you are totally losing it. Hmmmm. I know that one happens often! “I need YOU to calm down so I won’t lose it!” As if it is their responsibility to decide how we are going to feel and behave…

…”Grabbing the salad bowl instead of asking nicely isn’t okay!” as you grab the salad bowl right back and bang it back down on the table. “Use your manners!” Harrumph. Why don’t they know better how to ask for something at the table? And again, if they’d JUST BEHAVE, then I wouldn’t have to lose my temper!

…“Hitting your sister is mean!” as you whack their backside and insist they go to time out to think about how to behave. (NEVER do I recommend any kind of whacking).

…“It’s unkind to talk about your friend that way. You need to be nice.” Then turn around and moan to your spouse about YOUR friend and how they make choices you just can’t get behind.

…“I’m sure you know best what you are going to do with your birthday money.” Followed by, as they decide to spend it all on a frivolous item, “Oh no, that’s a waste of money! You ought to save it. Or at least donate some of it to…” All good ideas…and all going back on just what you originally said.

What message are we giving our kids as we regularly say one thing and mean or do another? That they cannot count on what we say is what we mean. THIS erodes their trust in us, their trust in others. How can they possibly know what to expect when we change the tune on them? Or how to respond or behave or feel? It gives the message of disrespect–that we really don’t think they are or their ideas are important enough for us to follow through and keep our promise. And since they cannot count on us, why respect or even just listen to what we say? Talk about eroding relationships.

Try this, instead. PAUSE before responding or throwing out a blanket statement (YES we’ll get ice-cream after soccer!) and consider what it is you really want and CAN do.

Consider the kind of manners you’d like to grow;

the trust and respect you want to demonstrate and see in your child; the kindness and giving that is important to you.

And now role-model it. Be what you hope your child can be.

Show them how to use gentle hands, that they can count on you to keep your promise of ice-cream even if you are running late, that if you promise a pet at age ten, you follow through, talk about YOUR friends with the respect and kindness you want to see in your children, calm yourself first before asking them to do the same, let them know exactly what they can expect as they wait for your help, bite your tongue and let them experience the result for themselves as they spend all their birthday money on a ridiculous toy.

What does this require from us?

PAUSING.

Being clear on what kind of adult we hope to grow.

Knowing just what values and qualities are most important to us. Growing our ability to be patient and calm no matter how our kids are behaving. Being consistent with our follow-through–ridiculously consistent as often as possible.

Now when we do have to ‘break our promise’ because whatever we said we really didn’t mean and certainly aren’t going to do–we can apologize. Heartfully, genuinely, respectfully. “You know, when I promised you a pet last year, I was saying that without really thinking about what it means. I apologize for leaving you hoping. Let’s talk about this more carefully.” “You know, I was really mad when you threw your toy and hit your sister. It wasn’t okay for me to yell and hit you. I am sorry. Here’s what I wanted to do…”

What a way to grow respect. To build the trust in your relationship that is foundational for the rest of our child’s life.

Take time today to reflect on your integrity, on how you say what you mean and mean what you do–when this is easiest and most successful for you, what you can do differently when you find it difficult. Integrity. It is essential for growing well; for relationships to thrive. For our children to grow into those incredible adults we intend.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Oh, the FUN!

August 3, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

A story to (hopefully!) delight you as much as it did me:

Two little boys, ages Nearly Six and Three. Exploring a wooded lot in our neighborhood with their parents (hoping to buy and build). Me, walking nearby.

ZOOM come the boys, screeching to a halt in front of me.

Mr. Nearly Six: “HI!!!!!!!!”

Me: “HI!”

Mr. Nearly Six: “Seethathillupthere??? WeranALLthewaytothetopandcameZOOMINGbackdown. Wannasee?”

Mr. Three: “ROAAAAAAR!” (With hands up like a fierce tiger ready to attack.)

Me: “You ran ALL the way up that hill? And FAST on down? (And to Mr. Three–WOW you can ROAR just like a tiger!)”

Mr. Three: “ROOOAAAAAARRRRRR!”

Mr. Nearly Six: “Yes! WannaSee? WATCH ME!”

And off the boys sped, arms and legs pumping as they sped up up up the hill and then ZOOMED down to come, once again, screeching to a stop in front of me.

“ROAAAAARRRRRR!” went Mr. Three.

“Didyouseeus, didyouseeus?” asked Mr. Nearly Six.

Oh, YES, I did! You went ALL the way up to the top of that hill and came zooming down!

And off the boys went. I share because of how much this put a smile on my face and heart :-). Two boys, doing just what a 3 and nearly 6 ought to be doing–outside, roaring, speeding, eventually digging and marching and collecting and squishing in the mud…their eyes a-sparkling, chattering and roaring and exploring.

The parents? I so appreciated how they, too, were enjoying how their boys were playing. No “Be nice, don’t roar, say hi…” etc. Nope, they knew what Threes did. They understood Nearly Sixes. And they saw that their boys were managing their selves in just-right-ways.

They shared their intent to find a place to live that allowed their children to grow up exploring as much of the natural world as possible–sticks and mud and trees. Forts and creeks and holes to dig. Critters and plants and flowers and vegetables. Less technology. More natural world. THIS I truly appreciated and let them know the gift to their boys this intent is.

They refrained from interrupting their boys’ explorations. They erred on quiet and watching–exactly right as these two pretended, created, imagined, exerted, and experienced their parents’ confidence in their ability to manage themselves.

And manage they did. From the ROAAARRRRS of Mister Three (oh, so exactly right for a preschooler!) to the ZOOMNG of Mister Nearly Six.

Time for me to move on with my walk…

“BYE!” with huge arm waves from Mister Nearly Six.

“ROOAAAARRRR!” with claws up from Mister Three.

And off we went, our separate ways.

Enjoy your day today! I am.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

www.denaliparentcoaching.com

To Praise Or Not To Praise

January 28, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

THIS hit home. From all the trophies and how they are labeled, to the nonchalant comment by the teen. When we praise often–whether it is the “good job” go-to we all fall into or the constant “wow, aren’t you amazing!!” for every sport, art project, grade, accomplishment no matter the size or importance–I believe we are undermining and displacing just what we really want: a self-directed, intrinsically motivated, confident, capable, successful future adult.

Our intentions are good. We want our child to feel confident, capable, and successful. Yet by praising all day through, I believe we are setting our child up for thinking:

~ They need to perform to be in our good graces.

~ Their performance is what we love about them.

~ When they DON”T get a ‘good job’ response, they’ve now failed–and we have given them no practice at how to manage the disappointment, the struggle of failure.

When we praise constantly we are teaching our children to pay attention to how WE feel and how their behavior or accomplishments affect US instead of encouraging them to turn within themselves, reflect, learn about what they like/don’t like, etc…

We get in the way of them growing from the inside out.

When we make their accomplishments such a regular big deal, we are undermining their ability to tap into strengths that are essential for adulthood—perseverance, hard work, creativeness, self-reflection, management of feelings, inner direction/motivation to name a few. And then there is this teen’s response in the comic. Nonchalant. Shrug of shoulders. No longer does the praise mean anything for it is given constantly. They begin to ignore us, or not believe us. Not what any of us intend as the “good job” or “hurray for you” or “you are a winner!” rolls off our tongue.

What to do instead?

Focus on their process and the strengths you see step up:

“You were incredibly focused all through your game–I noticed that. It certainly paid off!”

“Even though that math assignment was confusing, you stuck with it and figured it out.”

“What a race you had! Those hills looked brutal–boy, that must’ve taken some real determination to tackle them despite being exhausted.”

“It was hard work stacking all your blocks! You worked carefully and look at the tall tower you made.”

Focus on their feelings:

“It was really disappointing to lose the game. You were so excited going into it.”

“I can see how proud you are of the work you did!”

“Urgh. After all the time you put into your project it must be really discouraging to get the grade you did.” ”

It really puts a smile on your face when you button all those buttons by yourself!”

Focus on appreciation:

“Thank you for unloading the dishwasher. I appreciate your help. Now we have time to do a family game.”

“The neighborhood looks so much nicer after picking up the litter! I know the neighbors appreciate the time and effort you put in.”

“You and your team-mates were so respectful of your opponents’ loss. That is really a sign of true sportsmanship.”

“You shared your book with your sister. I can see how much she liked that. Now you both know just what The Little Engine That Could carried over the hill!”

And now you are more likely giving your child the experience she needs to grow strong and healthy.

To be able to succeed, feel confident in herself, feel capable, manage the harder feelings, celebrate respectfully the happier feelings. Now it is about them and how they feel and what they like and don’t like–truly what motivates them from within–rather than our child focusing outside themselves, on feeling responsible for making us feel like the good or proud parent.

This is the inner direction and motivation necessary for successful adulthood. This is the inner direction and self-confidence that translates down the road to less influence of negative peer pressure, the inner motivation it requires to stand strong in their conviction even when it is going against the tide of their friends, the inner direction that can have them moving through life capable, confident, taking charge of their lives.

So try pausing today. Try letting go of the automatic response to something your child does. Think twice and with care about how much praise for an accomplishment will really support the growth of the kind of adult you hope for. Be intentional with the attention you decide to give. And when real praise is deserved? Now it can be truly meaningful and appreciated, making just the kind of impact you want the most. How cool is that?

Alice
Author of Parenting Inspired

A Boy and His Dad

August 19, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! 2 Comments

A story for you…

Dad and twelve-year-old son. Broken (by accident) window in son’s bedroom. Oops. Glass everywhere, and the cost to fix it was going to be plenty.

You can imagine how dad COULD have reacted. How you or I might have. I know I’d probably have yelled, first…hard NOT to as you hear the crash of the window and find yourself already thinking towards the mess and the cost and the time it’ll take. So you can imagine how tempers could have flared. Dad could have lost it. It certainly wouldn’t be unreasonable…and his son? Well…he was cringing a bit for he KNEW he blew it and it WAS a total mess and dad was known to lose his cool over other incidents…

And yet...he didn’t lose it. Dad instead left his son’s room before his temper got the best of him. He headed downstairs to the garage. There he gathered up the Shop-Vac, some rags, a broom, duct tape, cardboard, and other cleanup and temporary repair items. As he lugged it all up the stairs, dad realized how much calmer he already felt. This PAUSE of leaving the scene of the mess, focusing on what he needed to gather, letting go of trying to drag his son downstairs with him worked for him. He found he was returning to his son’s room, more interested in engaging with him positively as they cleaned up the mess.

Son? Initially afraid dad was going to lose it, was instead relieved when dad returned, calm and focused. Dad leaving the room created a PAUSE for this 12-year-old enough that HE could take a breath and move from being afraid to being curious about what dad was up to…. Now son was receptive and actually eager to help with the clean-up job. And because of dad’s PAUSE, they were able to work together successfully…even with a bit of humor as they taped up cardboard, figured out measurements for window replacement, chased bits of glass around the floor.

**Now what? They felt connected. In a positive and fun kind of way. Lots of learning happened–real learning.**

The kind that has a child focused on ability and task and skill rather than how crazy upset they or their parent is. And it continued into the next day as they headed to the hardware store together to get all that was necessary for replacing the broken window. A cool learning experience and relationship building time that could have (understandably so) been a disaster.

What did Mr. 12 learn? That dad could be counted on to keep it together (and now Mr. 12 could also keep it together…), that certain things were what you needed to use to clean up broken glass, that you could use cardboard and duct tape creatively, and that this is what it takes to replace the window.

Perhaps most importantly, Mr. 12 learned that dad saw him as a capable and competent soul able to take responsibility for the choices (and results!) he made.

Awesome. THIS is the power of PAUSE and parenting with calm connection. And it ripples out in amazing ways..let it change your life. If you need help, you will find it in all three of my books–let them empower you to make truly relationship-building changes in your life.

Here’s to you today,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach

A Grateful Mama

May 9, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated Comment

I am grateful.

Grateful to be a mother to two young women moving along their own journeys, growing themselves in lovely, strong, intentional ways. A bit sad, too, since our time together is few and far between…and when we will be together again as a family is unknown…

I am proud. Not because of their academic or athletic or any other ability. Not because of “jobs well done” or excelling or being artistic or smart or funny or any of those things we often hear others say they are proud of.

You know, I think about this “proud” statement, often. I hear others use it–“I’m proud of you, son!” as the child wins an award, or gets straight A’s or succeeds in some other way. What does it mean to our children if they then lose, or fail, or not succeed in something–are we still proud of them? Do we tell them at those times? Or do they think our pride is only for the times they do well and that it is their job to “make us proud?” I hope not.

I want, more than anything, for my daughters to make them SELVES proud. That their job is to lead themselves, from the inside out, focused on their feelings and their abilities and then take their strong-from-the-inside-out selves and always look to what they can do to help make the world a better place; to live well and strong, productive and purposeful.

And I want them to know I AM proud, and I truly admire them. And I want them to know why. Maybe this will help you look at your children and despite the struggles, frustration, worry, and all that our parenting journeys inevitably bring, you can notice important qualities in them evolving in amazing ways. Because they are there, ready to emerge, expand, strengthen.

I am proud and I admire my daughters because of their ever-growing abilities to:

~ Persevere. Through hard classes, hard times, difficult relationships, jobs that leave them frustrated, confusing moments/days/months, embarrassing moments, wondering-what-the-heck-do-I-do-now moments. To stick with their dreams and stand by their values. To stick with their friends no matter or maybe because of the turmoil. To persevere through it all staying true to (and still discovering) themselves.

~ Be kind. To others whether it is easy or difficult. To animals–well cared for pets and lonely strays. To people who believe different things and live in different ways and maybe make them uncomfortable at times. To children and each other. To choose “be kind” over “be right.” To be kind to themselves, always.

~ PAUSE and consider. Get calm then clear on what the next step is or the big picture is or what they hope for and intend. Equally, to give themselves a bit of grace as they struggle with just what their next step is. To take that break when their buttons are pushed. To be intentional in what they do–no matter how what they do turns out. Being intentional is a huge strength. Pausing grows this ability.

~ Love, fully. With open arms and hearts. To miss those they love. To ache for them, rejoice in them, be confused by them, find ways to be connected no matter the distance. To be vulnerable in their love. To share their love. To love themselves. That’s hard at times, to love ourselves. We are so quick to judge when really, we need to *just* love and accept, to be comfortable in who we are today; empowered to grow ourselves for tomorrow.

~ Risk. Step out of their comfort zone, try on new things. To be uncomfortable AND confident. To be willing. What a way to grow! Their courage is something I admire, for in so many ways I never had this courage. I have been inspired by theirs.

~ Trust. Each other, us, themselves, the path life presents them. To see them lose, have to let go and still know, with a growing certainty, that if they just re-adjust what they are looking at or where they look, another door will open or is already standing open awaiting them. Always. That opportunity is always there for the taking–sometimes it is just that we have to re-frame what life brings. This trust? It is baseline.

~ Laugh! The light-hearted humor they weave through their lives is something else I truly admire–from letting it help them through the tough times to reaching out to others to help lighten their load. A gentle humor; a laugh-until-you-cry humor. It goes a long way…

~ Be independent. Taking charge of their lives. Deciding for themselves what feels right, good, productive, helpful, kind, loving, important. And then doing it. Standing certain in those decisions. And again, always be willing to let go…and continue trusting just where the Universe is leading them.

And you know what else I admire and am proud of? That both my girls want to spend time with me and their dad. They turn to us as the resource we always intended on being. They are open and honest with their thoughts and feelings. When we come together as a family JOY is the over-riding experience. Yes, we get tired of each other. yes, we get frustrated. Yes, our girls seem to always win at our favorite board game (Ticket to Ride!) AND remind us of this often. Yet JOY is still the over-riding experience…I can tell, because we always look forward to the next time we all get to be together (and play more games).

This I am grateful for. Deeply, deeply grateful. May they carry this JOY forward into their friendships and future families.

I am proud to be their mother. I feel blessed, grateful, inspired by them. I think one of the most important ways I’ve grown by being their mother is watching their creative, courageous selves embrace their journeys no matter the bumps and struggles and successes. It has helped and is helping me do the same…

Helping me to stand by what I know is right, good, and healthy for my family and all children no matter what someone else or something else dictates–our society, our culture.

Helping me to strengthen my PAUSE, let my patience step up, and wait and LIVE in the uncertainty that often defines our parenting journeys, our lives.

Helping me to stand in my integrity and practice all that I think, feel, believe–no matter the hard. My girls are watching and this is important to me.

What a team we are.

And I miss them as we again and again part ways to live our lives…and equally I look forward to being together once again.

Today, tomorrow, every day–take time to really look at your children no matter their age. Notice what they are working on, how they approach things, when they show their independent selves (even when you wish they would JUST LISTEN to you). Look for those moments of care and kindness and respect and focus and hard work and sharing of feelings and humor and all those qualities key for growing into the whole and wonderful beings we hope for.

And then let them know what you see…let them know when you notice just what you’d like MORE of for what we focus on? It grows.

Then tell them you feel blessed and grateful to be their parent…

Happy Mother’s Day. And to my daughters, Happy to BE your Mother today and every day

Alice (AKA mom).

Author and Parent Coach

Seven! Such a Magic Age!

February 20, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Story Time! Comment

I got lost in a little 7-year-old magic last night.

The quick smiles, dimples included. Eye-twinkles galore. Jokes! So many…ridiculous, funny, sometimes a bit edgy as Mr. 7 tests out just what IS okay…

The home-made birthday wrapping paper with “My BEST cursive, Alice!” all over it. And a poem. Written by him! His delight in his work was probably the best gift of all…

Watching the made up card game played with a certain favorite 23-year-old. Mr. 7 “shuffled” (that took effort!), dealt, and the two of them created a game of addition that had one then the other discarding until the numbers added up to “a dollar.” They played this for half-an-hour straight. Math, turn taking, creative ideas, fine motor skills, conversation, laughter, full presence–a wonderful and magical connection. Very cool.

The perpetual motion of a 7-year-old boy. Spinning, plopping, hopping, twisting, somersaulting…and then sitting. At length. That made-up card game once again. Oh, and dessert. Let’s not forget sitting for dessert! Yum.

The “apple pie” made by Mr. 7. “Apple” because even though one thinks it is truly an apple pie, the twinkle in Mr. 7’s eyes tells you there is something amiss with that description…oh yes, it was delicious and safe to eat . It was a recipe taken from his favorite chemistry experiment cook book–and the “apple” is really Ritz crackers and lemon combined! Totally fun.

The concentration and questions asked as Mr. 7 checked out the 23-year-old’s scar and pin in her foot from foot surgery. Pretty awesome from his standpoint! The discussion the two had over the surgery process, the various metal now in that foot, the bones worked on…Mr. 7 and Ms 23. What a pair they are. Two scientists, heads bent together, discussing important-to-them things. I do believe Mr. 7 will follow in Ms 23’s footsteps…all things SCIENCE. Or at least all things DISCOVERY. How cool is that?

Oh, and Mr. 7’s description of his upcoming science fair idea! Cups, duct tape, soil, seeds…he has his experiment in mind, he has full support of his parents, he’s thought through just what HE thinks might or might not happen. His idea. Fully supported. And HE is excited. What a way to learn…to discover…to empower.

I was lost in ALL of his magic.

What a delight to watch a 7-year-old BE seven. Fully.

Ideas pouring out of him. Games created. Conversation enjoyed. Respect for his thoughts and desires and abilities.

Totally awesome.

Today, find these magical moments. Go get lost in them a bit. Know that the chaos WILL settle and incredible learning and growth is occurring right before your eyes.

It is, quite simply, amazing.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Power of Respect

February 13, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

What does stopping tickling when your child says stop, knocking on your child’s bedroom door and wait for a “come in!”, and asking first if they want a hug have to do with growing a future respectful teen?

Plenty. Think about this. You want your (future) teen to:

…have a strong sense of self.

…be able to say no to negative peer pressure or unwanted sexual activity.

…have a clear idea of what feels right and good to him or her and be that self-directed, responsible soul you wish for.

…show respect, both for themselves and for others (including you!)

And you know what? You CAN have a teen who is strong from the inside out, able to know themselves well and say NO as necessary. You CAN have a teen who shows you, themselves, and others respect.

Here’s how…

Begin right now to model for your little ones just the

kind of respect that grows a future teen able to do all of this.Model how he or she deserves to be treated by respecting privacy, respecting bodies, respecting their space; both emotional and physical.

What does this look like with younger children? A few ideas:

~ Stop tickling when they say no or stop or don’t. Just STOP. No negotiating. No “Are you sure???” No “Okay!” followed by “Just one more tickle and I’ll stop! I promise!”

~ Knock first on their bedroom and bathroom door and ask to come in. Wait for their answer. And if you need to go in? Knock, ask, pause, and then let them know, “I need to come in now…” and pause again to let them respond before you slowly open the door and head on in.

~ Ask first if they are ready for a hug, and wait for their answer. If it’s a NO, respect it. If it’s a YES, enjoy it!

~ Ask first if they are ready to have their face washed, their shampoo rinsed, their diaper changed, and wait for them to respond. For they will. And if their response is that they aren’t ready—then perhaps you can wait a bit more saying, “I can tell you aren’t quite ready. We’ll do one more book…splash in the suds for 2 more minutes…and then it’ll be time for me to help you…” And you do—both wait and follow-through.

~ Calm your anxiety over their messy room–give them that space to call their own and be responsible for it. What a way for your child to learn how to manage a space, to discover just what they do like and can tolerate. Key, you know, for future dorm rooms and shared apartments…

And yes, that means letting go of the mess that accumulates other than the once a month obligatory deep clean :-). Or something to that effect…because instead of a deep clean, maybe it is just a weekly collection of dirty dishes. Or clothes. Or maybe it is, “Having your buddy over to spend the night sounds wonderful! Let’s see what we can sort through in your room so you can find space for sleeping bags…”

~ Let them struggle--affirm the difficulty, the feelings; ask them what they think they can do. Describe what you see as they work at a stubborn puzzle piece. Let them know you are there and when they are ready, you are happy to help…and then step back. Hard at times, for we are so wired to “fix a problem” rather than see it as the growth opportunity it really is…

~ Give them options other than kissing or hugging Aunt Martha, Grandpa, the old friends coming to visit. Let them know they get to decide how to greet or say goodbye in a way that is comfortable to them. And that includes no greet or goodbye.

Respecting their feelings gives them the chance to figure out what feels right and good to them.

And of course, once Aunt Martha, Grandpa, or the old friends are gone, you can have conversations about how greeting and good-bye-ing are ways we show we care. You can have conversations about just how THEY want to show this care.

~ Let your child disagree with you–ask them what they think and then accept it as their opinions. Stop yourself from trying to convince them to see it your way…instead accept, then share what you think. And now their ideas are valued. Some pretty amazing conversations can emerge as a result!

Respect. Model it from day one–and you will more likely grow a teen with a strong sense of self and the ability to navigate pressures in healthy ways AND you will have a little one who better manages their selves—and parenting can get a bit easier…

Truly all around relationship building.

With JOY and appreciation.,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Calming Your Anxious Child

January 5, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional 2 Comments

Your child is anxious.

Maybe in the moment, maybe it is just a part of who they are. And you work hard at helping them to feel better.

Maybe you find yourself saying, “You’ll be fine!” or “Don’t worry about it.! Or maybe you find yourself doing whatever YOU can to “make them feel better” such as distract them with a treat, or adventure with you, or a special toy, or time on a digital device, or or or…whatever it takes, because none of us want our children to feel anxious or struggle with anxiety.

Does any of this sound familiar?

I so appreciate Lemon Lime Adventures poster and article.

When we PAUSE, calm our OWN anxiety over

our child’s worries, then we can step in from a truly relationship-building place.

Asking questions. Listening. Exploring. Seeing their worries as something necessary and important–and now, like anything in our lives that is necessary and important, we respect those worries.

It requires us to let go of “solving” our child’s worry or struggle. So often our desire to “make it go away” and find a solution is much more about our own anxiety and discomfort over big feelings. This anxiety and discomfort? It always comes from a place of deep care for and commitment to our child. Know this, for your feelings are equally important.

Yet, when we rush in to fix, we are communicating to our child we don’t have confidence in their ability to manage their feelings. We communicate that they need US to fix things for them. I think this can so often feed anxiety for a child–not feeling they can ever be in control of this worry, that it always requires another person solving it.

As you fast forward to teen years, this means the “other” they turn to may be someone who doesn’t have their best interests in mind. This may mean they turn to alcohol or drugs or screen addiction to “control” their worries.

I think we all WANT our children to grow into teens and adults

able to take charge of their lives, figure out what they want and need, manage their feelings and selves in healthy ways.

When we create that PAUSE for ourselves, focus on calming ourselves down, take time to see our child as the competent and capable soul he is and will become, think about what we want them to learn about themselves, take time to consider just what kind of teen/adult we hope they will be…

…we are more likely going to be able to step alongside our child and their worry and ask questions like Lemon Lime Adventures shares. We are more likely going to listen, explore, discover, partner with our child.

…we are more likely going to sit––with calm connection–alongside our child as they worry. Think. Talk. Cry. And this “sitting” alongside? It is key.

What a way to feel safe.

What a way for your child to actually be able to feel in control of herself. What a way to grow and learn from the inside out and with respect for who your child is. What a way to feel the comfort of someone willing to sit in the worry with you…keep it company…give it a place of honor for a bit…accept you and all your feelings.

And now your child can feel far more in control of himself. How cool is that? And maybe the NEXT round of (inevitable) worry or struggle will be just a bit easier, because they’ll have grown a bit more from the inside out, understand a little more about their feelings and what to do with them.

Today, acknowledge and affirm your child’s worry or struggle.

Name their feelings. Ask them questions. Sit with them. Give them the space and grace of time and your company.

And give your SELF the same respect as you work through your worries and struggles…

Here’s to moving through today’s struggles in relationship building ways…

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

That Scary Stick Horse…

September 17, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and ever so enjoyed:

~ The gentle and respectful introduction of a scary and at times noisy stick-horse (you know, those yard long sticks with a big furry head on top, then add squeezing the ears for a “trot trot” and “neigh neigh” sound?) to a certain 15-month-old in my life. Watching his Mama first ask her little guy if he’d like to see the horse and ***pausing*** as she waited for him to mull it over. And mull he did. He’d had a startling experience once upon a time with this very same Scary Horse, and he’d been quite wary of it since. Mama continued to PAUSE and wait quietly.

Toddler looked at her, the Scary Horse, and back to her and proceeded to BOUNCE up and down.

“You would like to see the horse!” And then Mama s-l-o-w-l-y brought Scary Horse closer, watching with care.

Concern spread across toddler’s face, Mama slowed down further.

“You’re not sure how close you’d like him to come,” she said.

Relief spread across this little guy’s face. He relaxed and Scary Horse came all the way over and out stretched the toddler’s hand to touch the soft face. Now he even wanted to hear the “trot trot trot” and “neigh neigh” sound–as long as Mr. Horse was moving BACK to where he belonged in the corner of a room. What a wonderfully respectful way to grow confidence in a little guy. He was in charge of what he felt and Mama respected this. He was communicating clearly, and Mama respected this. I bet next time he is just a bit more comfortable with Mr. Horse, for he is no longer Scary Horse!

~ The first grader who shared his new deck of Pokeman cards with a favorite adult. Despite a fun movie (Inside Out!) being enjoyed together, it was the Pokeman cards that were number one in his life–he spent the entire movie laying out the cards on the floor in rows of ten, talking constantly about each one, what they meant, and then ordering them by how they “evolve.” Now and then he’d pause, climb up next to his adult and snuggle, with a few cards in hand to talk about, all the while watching the movie and saying “I won’t tell you what happens because I don’t want to spoil it for you, but…” and on he’d go with what happens! Then off the couch to re-organize his cards once again…The perpetual motion, the curiosity, the imagination, the conversation…oh, the fun! Having the opportunity to spend one-on-one time with a 6.5 year old is something to cherish…

~ The almost 5-year-old who immersed himself in an imaginative game of “I’m the kitty and YOU are the owner!” This ‘kitty?’ Slurped up the water in a bowl, rolled and crawled around the house, scratched on the kitty scratching post, fetched sticks (?!!), enjoyed crumbled up muffins in another bowl–YUM! Kitty food! On and on he scrambled around the house, mewing and purring and if he’d had a tail, it would have been happily swishing away!

His total engagement with his game, the joy of an adult joining in just how HE dictated, and his ability to flow with the interruptions of his 3-year-old brother, the adults who wanted to talk, the cooking that needed tending...all spoke to the wonderful way his parents have given him the time and space to be. To play. To imagine. To be in charge of himself. What a joy! This kitty can come play at my house any time :-).

Take time today to notice and appreciate. Whether it is a parent working hard at keeping it together or a child’s antics that put a smile on your face, or a moment caught between parent and child that leaves you feeling a bit of real joy. Notice and appreciate, for what we focus on grows.

Enjoy!
Alice

Author and Parent Coach