Just Ask Alice

For quite some time our children have been told, because of the pandemic, it isn’t safe to go out, to be with others, to shop and play and live life as they’ve known it up until this spring. And now we are beginning to re-open–all in varying stages throughout our communities in respect to the pandemic. This re-opening can cause anxieties and fear in us, and especially in our children. Going from lock-down to out-and-about will worry many. “Am I safe? Have the germs gone? Will I get sick? What happens if…?”

This re-opening and greater freedom as we navigate all-things-pandemic will be different for each of us and for many reasons. This is why I believe it comes down to respect.

Respect for:

~ Feelings—yours and your child’s. How you calm your anxiety and feel clear and confident in whatever steps you decide to take. Be gentle with and take care of yourself, first. How you affirm and acknowledge your child’s feelings, always. Listen to their worries. Ask questions such as, “What can you do to feel better? Is there more you can tell me?” More on that can be found here.

Share your feelings, “I can feel worried, too. Sometimes I get mad about the same thing.” Show them how you take care of yourself; help them discover what works for them to feel better. Brainstorm together how to navigate this new normal we are creating. Reassure often with, “Change and new things are often unsettling at first! It takes practice—just like when you were learning to tie your shoes and you kept getting frustrated, even tripping and getting hurt when your laces came untied. Remember? You kept at it and now it’s easy for you, isn’t it? We will practice our new ideas for returning to playgroup and work in safe and healthy ways and it will get easier, too.”

~ Your child’s developmental needs/age and stage in order for them to feel safe and able to successfully navigate more freedom. Are they toddlers and preschoolers? This age needs your calm and matter-of-fact self, guiding them with a gentle firmness, routines they can count on in place. Older? They may need a willingness on your part to collaborate with them as you design your way out of lock-down and into your new normal. All ages need clear expectations and follow through from you. Role modeling is powerful—show them what you want to see them doing.

The more your child can feel in control of themselves—from hand-washing to hugging grandma to playing with friends and keep germs to themselves—the more likely anxiety/fear will subside. Steps you take to help your child be in increasing control of things you deem important will empower them and bring confidence to you. Consider playground time—if you want your child to return to playing with others and are concerned about cleanliness, helping instill a habit of washing hands often is important. Creating successes by having lots of hand washing options available, and perhaps gentle reminders initially, will eventually turn into a child doing this as a matter of habit.   

Consider hugging Grandma. Perhaps Grandma is ready, but maybe your child is afraid to. Respecting this and offering alternatives is important—tickle each other’s toes? Bump elbows? Let them know, “When you are ready to give Grandma a hug, she will be ready, too.” This helps your child be and feel in control—and this, by itself, is calming.

As we respect our own feelings and grow our ability to be calm, clear, and matter-of-fact, our children can feel safe and secure. This creates the relationship-building connection that has a child able to venture successfully into newness and change.

As we respect our child’s feelings, they feel heard and supported—and this always is necessary for stepping into something new. Taking our time with our children is equally key—this respects their readiness for the new and, again, has a child more likely able to navigate it well.

As we respect our child’s abilities due to age/stage/developmental needs, we are more likely offering up opportunities that allow them to feel competent and capable—essential for navigating uncertainty. You are the expert on your child, so you know what they are capable of respecting as you move into greater freedoms. You know whether they can handle being in a park with others or would do better one-on-one with a friend. Respecting your child’s abilities will help them (and you!) put fear aside and trust moving into re-opening in healthy and safe ways.

Finally, taking care of and being gentle with yourself is important. We will find ourselves anxious periodically as we navigate re-opening together. Breathing deeply, creating a pause for yourself, even pulling back a bit and saying, “You know, this idea needs to wait for a bit…” can help you find the space to steady and calm yourself. What a gift to your child as you do so! Role modeling at its best.

Here’s to YOU. Be well.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2020 Alice Hanscam