Tag: crying

That Scary Vacuum Cleaner

April 29, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

To be allowed to finish your cry…

How essential for all things relationship-building. Something I wrote earlier after being inspired by Teacher Tom‘s article. Go check that out right here. There’s a story to share, to give more attention to, hence creating an article just for it.
A Mama. A vacuum cleaner. A young toddler. And BIG feelings.

There’s a Mama I know whose 16-month-old toddler was VERY upset recently over the vacuum cleaner and its LOUD noise. You know, all those times you work at getting the house a bit cleaner, swiping the dust cloth here, collecting the toys there, washing dishes and bathrooms and yourself whenever you get a moment? Well…up until recently vacuum cleaning was nary an issue with her little one and could be (more or less) easily done at any time…until now.

Mama responded immediately to her little guy’s upset, turned off the vacuum and went quickly to him, intent on gathering him up in her arms to help him settle. Mama was devastated when, instead of burying himself into her body to sob and calm, he pushed her away as she tried to comfort him. Despite Mama feeling devastated that she couldn’t immediately comfort him, she paused.

She sat herself down across the room from him and waited respectfully for him to finish his cry.

 

As she waited, with tears streaming down her face (oh how our heartstrings are tugged!), she found her self quietly talking to him as he hunkered down in a corner of the room away from her. She named his feelings, affirmed his upset, and eventually–maybe for her own comfort, as well–started to sing.

Her little guy? Her singing reached him. He paused a bit in his Great Big Cry…then up he rose from his corner, and toddling as fast as his little feet could carry him he crossed the floor to fling himself into her arms and finish his cry.  Mama gratefully comforted her son and, as she held him snuggled in her arms, she realized what a gift she had just given him.

Her gift? An opportunity for him to FEEL, to discover that he, on his own and by his own choice, could manage his big upset, that he could count on mama to keep herself calm even though he couldn’t, and connected–even from a distance.  What a way to feel safe and secure. What a way to communicate respect for how he felt and how he chose to manage himself.

What a way to soundly deposit into a close, caring, respectful relationship. So much learned by both Mama and her young toddler! And this Mama? She just grew a bit stronger herself, as she managed her own upset in relationship-building ways.

What an important story. What a way to allow both involved to finish their cry. What a way to say, “I have confidence in you. I respect you.”

When we can grow ourselves in such a way that we can sit quietly and respectfully in another’s discomfort it becomes a real gift for all. Today, when your heart is tugged hugely over your child’s Great Big Cry?PAUSE. Give your child the choice in how to be comforted, in what they feel they need. Give them the respect of your understanding company no matter the tears streaming down your face. Let your pause create the pause they need to gather themselves and feel the connection with you that has them learning, growing, thriving.

Find Alice’s books here!

Then go take care of YOU so you can “finish your cry” as well.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2019 Alice Hanscam

Lessons Learned from a Baby

September 27, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Lessons learned (when exhaustion finally subsides…) from a baby…

...I’ve got you wrapped around my little chubby hand, now don’t I? Look at me, sound asleep, so peaceful, little sighs and funny expressions flickering across my face…at least, for the moment. And only if you keep holding me. You weren’t planning on getting anything DONE during nap time, were you?

…I really DO know when I’m hungry (you just need to figure out that when my diaper needs changing I sound THIS way, and when I’m sleepy, I fuss THAT way…), and I also know exactly when my tummy is full. That means stop nudging my lips with the bottle to get me to finish the milk you prepared. My tummy is FULL. For now. Give me about 30 minutes and maybe I’ll have room again.

...Just when you’ve gotten all my cute little clothes sorted I GROW!  Poof! Over night! THAT was what all my “out of sorts” was about. I was busy growing.

…To catch naps when you can cuz I’m going to keep you up as much as possible the rest of the time…  

…That I am truly a capable and competent little soul who appreciates being warned before anything gets “done to me.” Let me know when you are going to pick me up; let me know when you want to wipe my chin or nose; let me know when I can expect a trickle of water over my tummy or a shirt to go over my head. It startles me when you don’t tell me, first.

…I really CAN figure out how to roll, sit, pull myself up all by myself when I’m given lots of time to be freely on the floor. I like it best when you watch–and I trick you to make you think I really like it when you do it for me…but then, how can I really grow my capable and competent self when you stand me up, rescue me from rolling under a chair, hold my hands to “make” me walk? Its fun…but these are MY jobs.

…Acting-as-if you are calm and confident as you hand me over to my care-giver for the first, tenth, hundredth time. Yup. I need you to act this way, other wise I’d think you didn’t trust my care-giver to take care of me or trust ME to be able to feel safe and secure while you are away from me. So hand me over. Smile at me. Say “bye” and then be sure to come back! I need to count on you…

...Letting go of strict routines while sticking to a predictable rhythm–now there’s a challenge I present you with! Ha. You think I will be hungry every 3 hours or ready for my nap at noon like usual. Well, have I got a surprise for YOU. I’m hungry NOW! And I have NO intention on napping at noon…nope. At least I can count on you to understand…to offer me my milk…to snuggle and look at me while I drink (No phones, please), to read me stories anyway, and then recognize I still have lots of wiggles to get out ’til I really AM ready for a snooze.

...That my fussy and out-of-sorts self needs you to listen and watch so you can comfort me how I need you to. That way you’ll discover if its my teeth hurting me or that I’m missing you or that I’m wet, sleepy, hungry, tired of all the company oohing and ahhhing over me, have too many dangly toys in front of my face, or am just DONE with the peek-a-boo game you keep trying to play with me. I KNOW you can figure it out because you always seem to end up doing just what I need…even if it takes several tries. I’m patient. Sort of. At least, I’m learning to be, with your company.

…That having a baby (ME!) can be overwhelming, joyful, exhausting, confusing, amazing. And heart-wrenching at times. Heart-filling, too. I sure know how to keep you on your toes, don’t I?!

Find Alice’s books here!

What is amazing you about YOUR baby today? What lesson have you learned that has surprised you the most? I’d like to know 

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Oh Those BIG Alligator Tears!

July 23, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

Story time! One full of BIG feelings.

A mama caring for a 4-year-old (Mr. G), a 3.5-year-old (Mr. K), and two infants–8 and 10-months old. And a visitor (me), Miss Alice.

A handful, at times. You know, preschoolers being out-of-bounds, LOUD and BIG, insistent and ever-so-exuberant in all things? And boys, to boot.

Mama was rocking one baby to sleep, and another was crawling all around. Boys playing EXUBERANTLY downstairs….and then:

“NO! NONONONONONONONO!” STOP!!!” Feet pounding up the stairs, BIG alligator tears and wails and all-things-UPSET.

And here’s the beginning of what I had the privilege to witness. A lovely, just-right working through of BIG feelings that was all-things-relationship BUILDING and all-things positive and essential growth for young children.

Mama slowly and calmly moved from rocking baby, to kneeling down on the floor, opening up her arms and Mr. K. poured himself into her lap…Mr. G stood next to her, his words running over themselves as he said,

“Mr. K tugged and pulled and I wanted to go see Miss Alice and he PULLED my shirt like THIS and and and…”

Tears of discontent and “NONONO! I wanted Miss Alice and my Quiet Time and he he he he…” from Mr. K sobbing in Mama’s lap.   

Mama, calm and quiet, rubs Mr. K’s back as he buries his head, reaches out and touches Mr. G and says to him, “Mr K tugged and pulled on your shirt and you didn’t like that.”

Mr. G, “NO. I didn’t! I wanted to see Miss Alice FIRST!”

Mama, “You wanted to get up the stairs fast to see Miss Alice.”

Mr. G, “YES. And he..he..he pulled on me like THIS…and I didn’t LIKE it and I didn’t want to stop…” and he took a breath and stopped for a moment. Mama looked at him and smiled in an understanding way.

Then Mama turned her attention to Mr K, “Mr K, I’d like to listen to what you want to tell me, now.” And Mr K broke out into fresh sobs and said, “I wanted to do my Quiet Time with Miss Alice and Mr G wouldn’t let me and he wouldn’t STOP when I said STOP so I pulled on his shirt to STOP him….”

Mama, “You really wanted to see Miss Alice and invite her to join you for your Quiet Time. You were really worried that you wouldn’t be able to do this because Mr G wanted to see Miss Alice, too.”

“Yeeeeeessssssss!”

Mama paused. She looked at Mr G standing there next to her, listening intently with furrowed brow and said, “Mr G, how are you feeling right now?”

And here’s where something lovely happened–Mr G PAUSED. He thought for a moment…and then said, “Happy…AND mad!” To our complete delight and surprise, as you can imagine! Yet it made sense…

Happy because he had been listened to. Happy because he could count on being heard and respected. Happy because real and meaningful attention was being given to something very serious to two little boys. MAD because he really didn’t LIKE having his clothes tugged and pulled on. MAD because he really wanted to “go see Miss Alice first.” And able to express both because attention to feelings has been meaningful work in his family.

And Mr K chuckled. In the midst of his sobs, he heard Mr. G’s words and they brought a bit of laughter and lightness even to Mr K.

Then Mama, also smiling a bit, said, “Mr K, how do YOU feel right now?” And that bit of laughter subsided and he said, “I’m NOT happy. I’m SAD.”

And tears all over again.   

This mama? She sat on the floor in the midst of all the Great Big Mad and Sad. She reflected back to each boy what they said. She listened carefully to both. She never once tried to solve their conflict. She never once offered up a distraction or tried to hurry through it all. She never ONCE admonished Mr G for pushing past Mr K to “be first” or Mr K for pulling on Mr G’s clothes to try to stop him. This was important, for this really wasn’t where the real learning needed to be. It needed to be on understanding feelings and being heard and comforted for both boys to actually learn and grow and eventually listen and understand each other. And eventually NOT push past or tug on clothes.

She sat in this all even with one baby crawling up and over and around and in and out and the other fussing a bit since the rocking had slowed. Also both needing some attention…and yet…seemingly able to wait.

She just sat and listened as they re-hashed and re-told and re-demonstrated what felt like an injustice on both their parts.

You’d think it would go on forever, with no distraction or new idea or “Okay, boys, enough already” from Mama. But instead, they both–ON THEIR OWN–reached the point of done. They BOTH felt heard, comforted, sorted out. They both got to that place of feeling in charge of their feelings, in charge of themselves, and empowered because of this.

Seven minutes. That is what this took. And then Mr K got up from Mama’s lap, grabbed his Quiet Time backpack, took Miss Alice’s hand and off they went to be together.

Mr G watched them go, then turned to Mama and said, “Let’s play hide and seek!”

That’s all. I had the privilege of watching all of this. I had to work at pausing, too, you know. I wanted to “jump in” a bit. All those BIG feelings? They feel a bit uncomfortable. You want to fix them, make them go away, stop them. I knew better and I paused, but I want you to know I, too, can feel uncomfortable in another’s big feelings.

I took my lead off of Mama. I took my lead off of my own words to all of you. I let a PAUSE lead MY way. It let me watch. Listen with care. Notice and appreciate. And it had me going to kneel next to the boys near the end of it all and offer my hand to Mr K and let him know I, too, was ready for Quiet Time.

Truly a lovely, important, necessary exchange for all.

Find PAUSE and all of Alice’s books here!

Today, let a PAUSE lead your way. Let it slow you down a bit, allow you to really listen to another, observe a situation, notice what can be appreciated. What a difference this makes. A real, meaningful difference. These two boys? They still have challenges and conflicts with each other. AND they move through them more and more on their own. Because they CAN. They know they will be heard, respected, understood. And really, that can make all the difference.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2018 Alice Hanscam

To Cry or Not to Cry

April 29, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care, Social Emotional 2 Comments

To cry or not to cry.

This really can stir up worry and anxiety for many parents of babies. Whether it is in regards to sleep or any other part of the day. And we hear different things from all different parenting styles–making it all the more concerning and confusing.

I’ve heard the range from:

“Is it okay to let my baby cry to sleep”  to“Babies should never cry”  to“What do I do when she cries!”

I listen to those solid in their choice of certain ways to parent–from Peaceful Parenting to Positive Parenting to Attachment Parenting to whatever other styles there are out there, and I hear passionate voices all speaking to what feels right to them–yet in reality it can be so different from parent to parent, family to family, child to child.

I am most concerned about all the parents who are feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, anxious and uncertain over their choices, perhaps feeling like a bad parent as yet again, their baby cries, or yet again there’s been a rough night of lack of sleep or a day that felt like nothing you did helped your baby settle.

And I’m truly concerned about the tendency we have to declare there is only one right way to be with our baby—that my style is the right style and you are doing it all wrong. What a way to undermine our confidence, to muddy the waters, to make it more difficult to navigate what can be an overwhelming experience–to discover what truly works for us, our family, our circumstance, our baby.

Babies cry. It is a form of communication.

It alerts us to a need–perhaps companionship, feeling overwhelmed, hungry, wet, tired. And it is essential we respond–and it is in how we respond that influences just what we want to grow the most.








Consider this–what do you want most to communicate to your baby? Fast forward to preschool years, where do you want to be as their naturally volcanic feelings erupt daily? Fast forward to teen years and think about what you hope for the most–self-direction? Ability to manage the emotional upheavals inherent in teen years? Able to feel capable and in charge and strong in their selves?






It begins with your baby. They cry. Our job? To use these early and simpler experiences to grow our ability to be comfortable in their upset, to set the foundation for them to learn to be in upset and to manage it well. Find a way to move the anxiety it stirs up over, the lack of confidence over…and step into the cry gently, respectfully.






 It is not about “making them stop crying”, it is instead about 


learning what is making your baby tick, discovering what they need that can help them settle.






How does this look? Perhaps:








“I hear you. You are upset. What is it you need?” as you rest a hand on their body, draw in near, use a quiet and gentle voice.








“Is your diaper wet? Shall we change you?” “Are you feeling hungry? Let’s see what we can do about that.”








“You are really upset. I wonder if it is all the commotion around you that makes it hard for you. Let’s move into a quieter place and see if that helps.”








“You woke and need a little help re-settling. I’m here. Let’s see what can help you head back into sleep.”








And maybe they still cry, and you try something else. It is a process and it is meant to be respectful…and it is meant to communicate to your baby that they are heard, you are near, they can feel safe–even if upset, and that you have confidence in their growing ability to soothe themselves.






Every single baby is different and what works for one baby to soothe themselves may be quite different from another.


My two girls were entirely different–the first, mellow, rarely cried–she was the one at 7-months who woke in her crib with vomit all over, grinning from ear to ear at me. Her cries only came when she was REALLY sad or uncomfortable and it was clear what she needed. She was easy to soothe…our company and answering her need was all that was necessary.










My second? She cried her first two hours of life, wanting nothing but to cry. And her tears flowed easily and often as a baby–sometimes leaving me a bit at a loss as to just what it was she truly needed, other times being quite clear what pushed her upset button. Those unclear times? I just kept asking, watching, and respecting that she just needed to cry…talking soothingly and moving slowly seemed to really help her re-center.           






As young adults? So similar to their baby selves! The eldest tends to let things roll off her back, grinning through even the tough times–until she’s had enough and the feelings pour out; the youngest shares her strong feelings about many things quite often, leaving me sometimes missing what really is pushing her upset button. Just like when they were little. And I know they both feel respected for how they move through life and how they manage their upset in ways that work for them. I like to believe it is in big part because we respected their cries from day one.








Babies cry and it is okay. 


Respond gently, respectfully, let their cries help you learn 


more about who they are.


And trust that how you respond can help grow the strong foundation for their future ability to manage their feelings well. You, too–for becoming a parent demands we grow ourselves–and these cries are our opportunity to get started. You no longer need to feel overwhelmed–your baby will help you discover what works, trust this.








It really is okay. 


Find all of Alice’s books here!




For more about babies you may like: https://www.justaskalice.org/2018/05/11/babies-capable-and-competent-from-birth/and be sure to check out Janet Lansbury – Elevating Child Care http://www.janetlansbury.com for a rich library of articles to help you grow your ability to parent your little one respectfully. She is wonderful!








Alice






Author of “Parenting Inspired”






PCI Certified Parent Coach® and ScreamFree Certified Leader






©2016 Alice Hanscam






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PICK ME UP NOW!
					

						January 25, 2020
						denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com
						Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time!
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Story time! A story of the power of calm connection for you.




 


I watched a mom come into a preschool the other day–her son was crying and yelling and twisting around, reaching up for her, obviously wanting to be picked up.


Mom, quite calmly and composed (she felt comfortable in this welcoming public place of preschool), stopped, looked down at her over-the-top screaming son and said, “You are having a really hard time. I see that. I’m here and when you can use calmer words, I can pick you up.”


The screaming got louder, the physical insistence to PICK ME UP NOW quite clear. Words, no such thing. As a matter of fact, I doubt he was capable of using words right then, though I appreciated the mom’s efforts.


As Teacher neared, mom moved a bit away, intentionally creating a pause for herself, looking at some of the lovely pictures on the wall. I’m certain her “when you can use your words” was also helping create the pause she needed to be the calm presence her son needed. Son was a basket case, melted on the floor, screaming. Teacher kneels down and talks softly to the young boy–to no avail. Mom bends down once again and gently repeats, “You are really upset. When you can use your calmer words, I can pick you up.”


This, unfortunately, pushed his button further and he escalated. Somehow they managed to move, slowly and with son wrapped around mom’s leg (and mom comfortably okay with this) into the room where cool things were available to play.


This time mom knelt down next to her son, touched him gently, and waited quietly with him.






Just kept him company in all of his big feelings. He leaned into her (for really, what he really wanted was HER), content to be snuggled next to her. Mom stayed true to her word at not picking him up, and gave him exactly what he needed to move through this upset–her calm and connected self.


And he DID calm down. Soon he began watching the other kids. Mom didn’t move. Then they began talking with each other about what was out to play with. Mom still didn’t move. She waited until her son made HIS move to go explore cool things.


Calm connection. It spoke volumes.


 


As did her promise of picking him up when he could use his words. She gave her son her confidence in his ability to manage his big feelings. And she gave him her company–quiet, safe, available.


This is the power of calm connection, for it makes what could be truly a disaster into a relationship building experience. It allows for feelings to be sorted through. It gives the company where company is needed. It doesn’t take ownership over the other’s upset, it just gives it the space of grace necessary for moving through it well. Or well enough  And it is often hard to do.


I think this mom felt it get hard, because even though she was calm and consistent with what her son could expect (using words…), he was hearing none of it. I think it is at this point we PAUSE to consider just what we are trying to do–and if it is to get them to comply, to finally LISTEN and do as we say, then we need to PAUSE again. And consider just what they need, rather than what we want.


Let go a bit of our trying to control and step in and discover just what “calm connection” and feeling “in control” can look like without compliance.


 


Because that is where the real growth is. And this mom did just this, after the ***hard*** of realizing not picking him up was just escalating things more. I so appreciated how she found a way to create the connection he needed the most AND stay true to her word.  Kneeling down and touching her son. Gently. Taking her time. And it worked.


She wasn’t “in control” of her son–HE was gaining control of himself. Now that’s real growth.


 


Find PAUSE and all of Alice’s books here!


A story for you. Maybe it resonates. Maybe you have other ways to move through these moments that feel good to you and you can share here. Just know that it is with a PAUSE in place and calm connection leading the way that the greatest gifts emerge. In time. And with hard work.


Make it great today,

Alice

				


							


			

				

					
“What does my child NEED?”
					

						November 6, 2018
						denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com
						Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting
						Comment											

				


				

					
A mom-ism to share. One of those bits of wisdom that my mother (AKA Grandmom or G’mom for short) gave me.


Back in the day when my eldest was a baby I called her in tears. I was sleep deprived, I just couldn’t “get” my baby to stay asleep or fall back to sleep without me holding and rocking and always being there. Oh how tired I was. Oh how worried I was–was this going to be FOREVER??? NEVER sleeping without a constant ME?


And mom said one of the wisest and most impactful things to me…


“When you answer her need, (those rather unwanted) habits disappear…or even better, never form.”


She didn’t tell me what to do. She didn’t tell me how she thought I SHOULD be doing it. She didn’t say I was spoiling my baby or ruining her or anything like that. Nope. Just her insightful comment that took me in another direction entirely.


So I asked myself–what did my baby need? And I knew already. She needed ME. She needed to know I was there. She was young enough (2-3 months!) to still see herself as a part of me, rather than separate from me.  That was coming soon, those first stages of separation…and boy, do they bring some new and challenging experiences!


I chose to answer her need. To go to her and be there for her. My mom’s words and the action I then took brought little to no ease in regards to MY sleep–at least, not initially.


But they brought ease to my heart. And with ease in my heart…


 


…I felt more connected. I UNDERSTOOD my baby’s need and I was answering it. Confidence wormed its way in. My heart calmed down. I calmed down. And you know what? Even though sleep was constantly interrupted, I felt BETTER. From there, eventually, my little one began to sleep better. Longer. Less interrupted. The incredible TIRED I could feel just didn’t seem so heavy any more.


And here’s the deal--I have used my mother’s Mom-ism all throughout my parenting journey. As challenges arise, I try to PAUSE first. And then ask myself, “What does my child need?”  “What is she really asking for behind all this UPSET?”  “What is she needing the most from me in order to move through this tumultuous stage and settle a bit?” “What does she need to be and feel that more independent soul she is pushing so hard to become?”


The answer isn’t always clear. The direction I take doesn’t always work. But the question always remains the same. “What does my child NEED?”


And I figured it out. You can, too.  Start with asking the question and then take the steps you think will help answer it. Because really, that is what all of this parenting deal is about–answering our growing children’s physical, mental, and emotional needs along a developmental timeline that is quite a journey…different yet similar to everyone else’s…unique and challenging and in the long run, quite amazing.


And the magic of it all is what emerges. With needs answered, calm connection and confidence and clarity emerges. Children feel understood, supported, empowered and can grow their capable, competent selves…and so can we  Relationships can be deposited into and eventually THRIVE.


Find Alice’s books here!


Thank you, mom. Again, I treasure all you’ve given me in your life time and I know you knew that–because I told you. May your spirit continue to lift and inspire me and others. And may I continue to ask myself the same question as my now adult daughters turn to me once again…“What does my child NEED?”


With JOY and appreciation and heartfelt gratitude,


Your daughter, Alice


Author and Parent Coach


©2018 Alice Hanscam

				


							


			

				

					
Lessons Learned from a Toddler
					

						August 29, 2018
						denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com
						Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships
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Lessons learned (and delighted in and stressed over) from a toddler:


~ Boxes and tape are way more fun then whatever is inside... Always.


~ When I want the blue cup, no the green cup, actually YOUR cup, but really NO cup, how about those crackers, no not THOSE crackers, I mean just PUT ME DOWN, I really want UP–it means I really am just w-a-a-a-y over tired…


~If you tell me it is time to get my diaper changed or leave or put on my jacket or get out (or in) of the tub, count on me to probably say NO…but PLEASE help me by meaning what you say and helping me to still do what you say it is time to do…now my world really can make sense…


~ Laps are best when a book is involved...and who says you have to sit still when being read to?


~ Even the littlest thing deserves great scrutiny…including that teeny tiny spider crawling across the floor, the crumb stuck to my thumb, the owie on YOUR hand, or the errant cheerio hiding under the fridge…(that deserves tasting, as well!)


~ ORDER is important! Keep the peas separate from the mashed potatoes, please…and I really do need to know that nap time follows lunchtime on a regular basis and that my favorite stuffed animal or blankie ALWAYS can be counted on to go to daycare with me…


~ MESS is essential!  Smooshing the peas into the mashed potatoes makes a wonderful gooey and perhaps yummy (if chosen to be eaten) mess…oh! And how fun it is to lean w-a-a-a-y over and drop the gooey mess PLOP onto the floor and watch my dog slurp it all up…


~ When you say “Bye” to me, leave. Even if I cry. Even if I cling like an octopus or press my gooey nose and drippy eyes up against the window or end up a puddle on the floor. But make sure you come back when you said you would. Now I really can count on you!


~ Who says socks have to go on feet and pants on legs? Be creative! Think out of the box!


~ Puddles are SUPPOSED to be relished with feet, boots, hands, bottoms, dancing, hopping, poking, rock throwing, dog lapping, all things wet and muddy…why else are they there after it rains?


~ Sudsing up hands under warm water and watching the bubbles swirl around in the drain and more bubbles be made as my hands squish together and just getting lost in all this warm water play is a lovely way to spend lengthy time cleaning up…please don’t hurry me!


~ Tears are best met with the comfort of welcoming arms…or just company nearby cuz sometimes I feel MAD at you.


~ JOY is to be shared as ridiculously funny things happen like falling boom on my bottom to my great surprise or watching the waddling porcupine climb up the zoo cage or delighting in the swirling leaves or discovering a page in my favorite book that has you reading and re-reading and me acting it out and talking about it over and over again…with you.


Find Alice’s books here!


Lessons from a toddler. What have you learned of recent from your little one? Or delighted in? Or been surprised by? I’d love to hear! Including any button pushing moments…of which there can be plenty with our terrific toddlers .


Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2017 Alice Hanscam



				


							


			

				

					
How would YOU feel?
					

						July 8, 2018
						denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com
						Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional
						2 Comments											

				


				

					


How would YOU feel if…


…a shirt was suddenly and unexpectedly pulled over your head from behind?


…people around you talked about how you perform on the toilet?


…people kept poking you, tickling you, and getting their face right up in yours when you were totally engrossed in a complex thought process (such as learning something new, or immersed in a good mystery book…)?


…in the midst of relishing a fabulous dish of fettuccine a washcloth was swiped back and forth across your mouth? And maybe the plate even taken away?


…you were constantly interrupted as you tried to stay focused on complicated instructions for constructing an elaborate piece of equipment?


…you were told “you’re okay!” as you grieved over a lost loved one? Or, “it doesn’t hurt!” following an injury that will require multiple stitches?


…you were told you needed to eat more even when you felt full? Or that you were all done even when you were still hungry?


…someone unexpectedly swooped you up and moved you without warning?


…things were pushed into your mouth without consideration for whether you even wanted them in your mouth?


I’d venture to say you’d feel upset, frustrated, mad, startled, misunderstood, confused. And this is what we often do without hesitating when it comes to our babies and toddlers.


Respect. It is key and it begins at birth.    


Let your little one know before you put her shirt on—“It’s time to put your shirt on over your head. Are you ready? (look for the eye contact, the smile, the wiggle in response…look for the arms coming up or the eyes squeezing tight in preparation…) Okay! Here it goes…o-v-e-r your head…”


Keep interruptions to a minimum or not at all when your baby is concentrating on reaching for and examining something or your toddler is working hard at putting the square block in the round hole. Need to interrupt?  Move next to them and pause briefly as you watch them, then let them know softly–“You are really studying the way your rattle looks as you move it! It is time to…I’m going to pick you up and we can bring the rattle with us. Ready? Here we go!”  


Ask before you wipe mouths--better yet, give your baby a wet washcloth and let them do it all on their own—“Time to get the sticky food off your mouth. Here’s the washcloth. Can you wipe up?” “I need to clean off your chin. Ready? (as you hold it up and show them…look for their response!) You ARE ready. Wipe-wipe-wipe…nice and gentle. All done! Thank you for helping.”


Warn your baby before you pick them up—“Daddy’s going to pick you up so we can go….” Pause briefly and wait until your baby responds (A wiggle? A smile? Arms up?). Or at least pause for this slows you down physically, allowing your baby to be ready, as well.


Ask first if they want their pacifier, or another bite, and respect their response—“Looks like you are all done.” And stay tuned in to whether your baby WANTS you to keep tickling, poking, being in their face. Babies are excellent at letting you know they need a break. You can be equally excellent at respecting this. “I can tell you are all done with our tickle game! I will stop now.”


Always, always honor and affirm feelings—no need to make them ‘all better’–more importantly, just be there to name, ask questions, comfort. Now your little one can begin to understand their feelings–the start to managing them as they grow. And helping US manage OURS as the struggles and feelings grow in intensity–ours and theirs–over the years 


Respect. The groundwork is laid from the beginning. The respect you show and grow from day one becomes a way of life–and this pays off hugely come teen years.


Start right now and PAUSE before you act. 


Keep respect at the forefront of your thoughts and your actions will follow. Know what feels respectful, be clear on nurturing respect, role model it constantly…and you may discover that parenting becomes easier.


And YES, you can begin today interacting with greater respect no matter the age of your child. Let PAUSE and calm connection lead the way. It speaks volumes.


It begins with you.     


Find Alice’s books here!


Want to know more about babies? Check out Important Moments in the Day of a Baby.


With respectful appreciation,


Alice


Author and Parent Coach

©2014 Alice Hanscam



				


							


			

				

					
Babies! Capable and Competent from Birth
					

						May 11, 2018
						denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com
						Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional
						Comment											

				


				

					
Babies! Such amazingly capable little souls. They are, in essence, SPECTACULAR!




And it is easy to think our job is to do it all for them and to them–they are teeny, tiny and seemingly ever so helpless. Yet truly they are capable and competent from day one in their own ever increasingly amazing ways. When we look for and recognize this we are truly more able to build a strong foundation for all their healthy growth; we are depositing in little and magnificent ways into the respectful relationship we intend to have.


Did you know babies can:


~ Self-regulate when it comes to feeding? They know, all on their own, whether they are hungry, and when theyʼve had enough. Our job is to respect that.


~ Communicate with clarity when they are uncomfortable.  Our job? To ask them what they need, talk them through the solutions, “Are you feeling sleepy? Is it time for your nap? Letʼs go get you ready…” “I can tell you don’t like a wet diaper. Let’s get you changed.”


~ Respond to “Are you ready?” as you prepare to change diapers, wipe faces, pull on clothing—let them know what you need to do, respectfully ask if they are ready, wait a moment, then follow through—and you will discover their active participation in whatever it is. You may be surprised!


~ Clearly let us know when theyʼve had enough of our well-meaning interactions—they turn their heads—and when that doesnʼt work, they may close their eyes, cry, or fall asleep. Our job? Watch…and allow them the opportunity to turn away and decide when they are ready to re-engage. By doing so they wonʼt need to cry or fall asleep to protect themselves from being overwhelmed. Baseline for growing respect. Baseline for growing a child who can be self-directed, tuned into their own feelings, truly KNOW themselves.


~ Hold conversations with you as you respect the give and take—talking, waiting, responding. Captivating! Some of my favorite times with a baby…


~ Move their bodies in just the right ways to develop well. Our job? To provide them with lots of floor time and out-of-containers time to move freely on their own. To roll to their tummy when they can do it on their own, pull themselves up on furniture, push themselves to a sitting position, kick, stretch, reach, grasp, chew—this is their job and they do it well.


~ Know the meaning of many, many words as you tell them stories, sing to them, show them their world—truly creating the foundation of language that is baseline for all their learning. It can be wonderfully surprising when your 9-month-old can point out a chickadee as different from a robin…


Find Alice’s books here!


What do you notice about your infant that surprises you? What can you do differently as you see him as the capable little soul he already is?


Want to know more about babies?  You may like this: How Would YOU Feel…?


Or this: Important Moments in the Day of a Baby


With joy and appreciation,


Alice


 


Author of “Parenting Inspired” and “PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection”

PCI Certified Parent Coach® and ScreamFree Certified Leader

©2018 Alice Hanscam