Just Ask Alice

Let’s talk potty training.

I’ve heard a lot of angst over parents’ struggles with “training their child to use the potty.” Real concern over the increasing amount of treats and screen time rewards and none of it working–or at least, not for long. I’ve heard “I hate this stage!” “I’m going crazy!” “We never leave the house anymore–I’m afraid of all the accidents…”

I’ve never liked that word, “training.” I think it is totally mis-used and mis-leading for it puts the focus on us rather than our child. It leads us to thinking WE have to train our children to potty. When we head that direction, it becomes a mission to figure out how to make our little ones know when they need to use the potty, to actually pee or poop in the potty, and to stay dry in their “big girl or boy pants.” And really, what do we have control over? Certainly not the inner workings of our child’s body…OR their thoughts or feelings regarding it all.

I could spend time telling you my stories with my little girls–and yes, I tried hard initially to “make them use the potty.” Good intentions, of course, but as soon as I was in the mix like that, pottying became a real struggle. Not what I wanted.

I learned, over time, to step back. I learned to immerse them in all things “pottying”, talk about it matter-of-factly, and communicate my confidence in their ability to manage themselves…

Easier said than done, of course 🙂    

Here’s what I encourage for parents in the midst of what can become a struggle or for those considering just how to “train” their little one…

Immerse them in Potty Culture–create an environment that is all about pottying from watching you use the toilet, to helping flush, to washing hands, to playing with a potty chair, to reading lots of books about using the toilet, to talking about it all through the day when appropriate. And probably when it isn’t appropriate, as well…funny how those dinner times can include potty talk when you have a toddler or preschooler in the house!

Describe what you see them doing as they retreat to a corner to poop in their diaper, “I can see you feel ready to poop. Let me know when you are all done and I can help get you changed.”  Now they are learning a bit more about how their body feels and have the ability to be in charge of themselves. Essential for all healthy growth.

Offer them choices–“Do you want to flush my pee down the toilet all by yourself?” “Do you want to pee in your diaper or in the potty?” “Do you need to use the toilet before we head out?” “Do you want to wear a diaper or undies this morning?”  Choice (and us respecting their choice) is key for growing capable, competent, confident children who know what they are and are not responsible for.

Make no big deal about whatever they choose–the greater the fanfare, the more they might do something…and the flip side is they now have a way to really push our button as they decide to do the opposite–because fanfare puts their attention on US. Keep fanfare to a very minimum by just describing what they do–“You chose to pee in the potty! Are you ready to flush it down the toilet?” “Thank you for letting me know you are done pooping. I can help you get changed.” “You chose undies today and you used the toilet every single time you needed to pee. Look–your undies are all dry! I bet that feels good on your body.”

Minimize or keep rewards out of the picture…if you decide to include them, make it (again) a matter-of-fact deal and hopefully not food or treat oriented. “When you use the potty, we can read your favorite book together.” “When you are done on the potty, you’ll be ready to head outside and swing high in the sky!”  Now using the potty is way less about a reward and way more about the next step to their day…as is (if they choose to not use the potty) our ability to easily and matter-of-factly say, “We can save your favorite book for when you are ready to use the potty!”  No battle, Just a clear statement of what they can expect coming from a parent relaxed about whatever decision they make.

Be calm, matter-of-fact, respectful. Trust the process and your child’s timeline. If you feel pressure, they’ll feel pressure–and I’m sure you already know what happens then. So take care of yourself. They WILL head off to college without diapers…!

Know that, as you calm yourself, you communicate your confidence in their ability to manage themselves.

As you relax and focus on a rich Potty Environment rather than focusing on making them use the potty you are giving them the chance to focus on themselves and feel in control and in charge of themselves. Just what we really do want more of–kids who take responsibility for themselves, kids who are tuned into their own bodies and feelings and can manage both.

There is much more that can be shared…especially as parents are in the midst of a struggle about pottying. Looking to where your child is successful, where they do manage themselves, what parts of the pottying process they do engage the most in (maybe just tearing TP up and dropping it in the toilet or delighting in the FLUSH!)–looking to these parts that are working can encourage you, as well. And them! For now our attention is on what we want more of, rather than getting lost on the trails of “they’ll never be out of diapers…”

Okay. My thoughts for now. I look forward to comments and questions and stories of what worked for you! And if you’d like more of my work, know that you can find a collection to inspire you in my newest book, “Parenting Through Relationship.” Find that right here.

Respectfully,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam