Just Ask Alice

“It’s not so different now. Back when I was in school I remember being embarrassed and even devastated at times over what someone said about me. I got over it.”

“Things really haven’t changed that much–kids talk behind each other’s backs just like they did when I was that age.”

“Oh those middle-school kids! They are all about embarrassing and being embarrassed. They’ll grow out of it.”

You know what? Things HAVE changed. Children often cannot “get over it” or “grow out of it.” They can’t, anymore. Because now everything is recorded, shared, snap chatted, gone viral, there for the world to see. Forever. Check out this article. It is excellent. And it is only comparing 2008 to 2018: “Middle School Misfortunes Then and Now, One Teacher’s Take”

What stands out to me is the impact smart phones and social media have on the psyches of our children (and us!).

Consider these:

~ The dopamine hit that causes addiction like behavior–replaying and replaying what is so hurtful when you are the one hurt; refreshing and refreshing if you are the one doing the hurting–how many likes does my video or photo have NOW?

~ The inability to remove yourself successfully from all things embarrassing and letting your feelings process and dissipate. Instead of “time will make it better” it becomes “time amplifies and magnifies.”

~ Instead of choosing whom you want to share your experience with and when you want to do so, it is decided for you. Over and over and over again as something is shared online.

~ The lack of a “safe haven” that home ought to be–once you get home after school, you’re supposed to be able to breathe a sigh of relief, for you are away from all that happened at school. No more–for with all the devices now at home and family members equally engulfed by them, your school life has become your home life. There can be no safe space once something is online, shared, forwarded from one person to the next.

~ The greater divide that unfolds between the child hurt and embarrassed by being the subject of derisive social media posts and the child whose addiction to getting more and more likes. The first, as they seek to feel better by being “liked” or “followed” is sinking deeper into what feels like and often becomes rejection followed by depression; the second becomes bolstered towards bullying and often without understanding what they are doing, for their attention is on feeling good. All via “likes” and “follows.”

~ No longer having the respite family creates, for so often you come home to the disconnection caused by each member equally involved with devices. No wonder children can end up even further down this rabbit hole of social media and devices–if family life no longer offers the support, presence, “safe haven” from all the upsetting middle-school (and teen and elementary, too!) experiences, then the hurt child and the instigator child have no buffer necessary for processing, growing, learning. For emotional wellness.

Things ARE different. Our children need us

to do better so they can, too.

Directly from the author (Benjamin Conlon) of the article:

Smart phone and social media have “fundamentally altered how children interact with the world and not in a good way. We can change that. In addition to the “Wait Until 8th” pledge, consider taking the following steps to help your children reclaim childhood:

1. Propose that administrators and teachers stop using social media for school related purposes. In many districts teachers are encouraged to employ Twitter and Instagram for classroom updates. This is a bad thing. It normalizes the process of posting content without consent and teaches children that everything exciting is best viewed through a recording iPhone. It also reinforces the notion that ‘likes’ determine value. Rather than reading tweets from your child’s teacher, talk to your children each day. Ask what’s going on in school. They’ll appreciate it.

2. Insist that technology education include a unit on phone etiquette, the dark sides of social media and the long-term ramifications of posting online. Make sure students hear from individuals who have unwittingly and unwillingly been turned into viral videos.   

3. Tell your children stories from your own childhood. Point out how few of them could have happened if smartphones had been around. Remind your children that they will some day grow up and want stories of their own. An afternoon spent online doesn’t make for very good one.

4. Teach your children that boredom is important. They should be bored. Leonardo Da Vinci was bored. So was Einstein. Boredom breeds creativity and new ideas and experiences. Cherish boredom. 

5. Remind them that, as the saying goes, adventures don’t come calling like unexpected cousins. They have to be found. Tell them to go outside and explore the real world. Childhood is fleeting. It shouldn’t be spent staring at a screen.” (Benjamin Conlon)

YES. To all of what he writes. Wait until Eighth. Wait longer if you can. Protect your child’s health and well-being and give them the gift of a social-media, smart-phone-free childhood for as long as possible–at minimum in your own home.

Check out my article, Keeping Our Children Safe. Check out another article about the importance of being bored and empty spaces right here.

Things ARE different for our children in this age of social media. What isn’t different is how each and every one of us work hard at parenting well, wanting the best for our children, striving always to grow healthy, happy, successful future adults. Feel encouraged by connecting with other parents, sharing your own concerns, as well as what works in your family, and become the village our children and each of us need for ensuring  healthy childhoods and lives. We are all worth it.

A community to join to find support, encouragement, research, and more: The Screen Time Action Network.

With appreciation and HOPE,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2019 Alice Hanscam