Tag: frustration

Easy to Miss, Important to Catch

March 21, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Easy to miss, important–often ESSENTIAL–to catch.

You know, those moments, seemingly inconsequential, that, if we are present and we catch them, life with our children flows more smoothly…

It is all about tipping the balance, never perfection 🙂 . As we tip the balance to catching these easy to miss moments, we can communicate “I see you. I hear you. I understand you. You are important.” When we miss them? We often (and rarely intentionally) communicate the opposite. Tipping the balance equals relationship-building. Reaching for the impossible perfection merely leaves us with the guilt we mothers are so good at feeling, undermining us once again–because, well…we will miss these moments at times.

Moments such as…

…Your toddler is happily eating her raisins, one at a time, as he rides in the grocery cart. Great! You are cruising right on through the store, gathering all you need…and then one raisin drops onto the floor. You automatically swoop down, pick it up and let your little one know, “Oops! This fell. Into the trash it goes.” And you continue on. The second raisin follows the first…maybe a third, as you continue with the same response, half paying attention because you are busy checking prices, choosing items, looking at your list.

All of a sudden the whole raisin container FLIES as your toddler flings her arms out, her back arched, her previously pleasant chatting turning to LOUD hollering. And grocery shopping comes to an end…

When we catch that moment of our toddler getting antsy, less focused, shifting in her seat and ready for a change, we are more likely to connect in a way that answers her need. “You are done with the raisins. Would you like…?” Or maybe, “I can see you are wiggling around more and more. Would you like to get out and walk a bit?” Or perhaps, “I know. This store trip is getting long, isn’t it? Let’s sing a song…”

Then you playfully sing, “Looking for the canned tomatoes, looking high and low. Going to see if we can find them, going off to buy them…” or some silly rendition that you know will bring your toddler’s attention back to just where you need it to be. It might just work long enough for you to finish; it might not. Either way, connection is at the forefront for you are fully present to all those little messages your child gives…

…You’re at the park with your child and another child runs up to say, “Wanna play?” and YES your child nods, off they run across the playground and then your child slows, glances over her shoulder, looking at you with the hesitation of “Is this okay? Am I safe? Should I keep going…?”.

When we catch that moment we find ourselves smiling, nodding, giving a little wave. And our child feels our connection; they feel our encouragement; they feel our “It’s OKAY.” Off they continue to run…or maybe they don’t. Maybe they turn around and come back to you, for they feel stronger from the inside out and ABLE to recognize how they feel and what to do. All because you caught that moment.

…Your kids are happily roaring around the house as you scramble to get dinner going so everyone can be fed on time and out the door for the night’s event. You are rather frantically mixing things, answering texts from your spouse, pushing the dog out from underfoot, and remembering the laundry that has to be switched so kids have what they need to be ready to go. You only half-hear the ramping up behind you. The “DON’T!” The “It’s MINE.” The “You better STOP!!!!” Next thing you know you have two kids fighting, crying, and tumbling all over each other to get to you. A big puddle of a mess that leaves you feeling frustrated; leaves them a wreck.

When we catch that moment of transition–when we HEAR the first “DON’T!”–and pause long enough to notice what is happening, we are more likely able to respond in such a way that our children no longer have to end up in a puddle of a mess–they will feel the connection with us that can make all the difference in the world.

Maybe it comes via an affirmation from you, “It sounds like you guys are having some trouble.” Maybe what you notice is the unfairness of one child wrecking something the other one had worked hard on and you say so. “Wow. How upsetting that is, to choose to break apart her Lego creation. She worked so hard on it.” Now you are available to let all the feelings unload in a more productive, albeit probably LOUD, way. Now you are more likely able to influence the direction this goes that allows dinner and laundry to happen, family fed and out the door without everyone becoming a total wreck. You’ve allowed connection to be felt.

What does this require from you?

 

***PAUSE–strengthening your PAUSE muscle so you CAN slow down–mentally if not physically–and find yourself far more aware of these moments.

***Self care. Always. Remember those little bits you can do that truly are a deposit? Keep ’em going!

***Being Tech Intentional so your devices are rarely a distraction.

***Having eyes on the back of your head and your “Mama’s Sixth Sense” ON 

***Patience. Which comes from all those little self-care deposits you treat yourself with! And the PAUSE you practice  🙂

***Loads of GRACE for yourself for all the times you wish you had a do-over.

Find Alice’s books here!

Easy to miss, important to catch. No longer inconsequential because you catch them, more often than not. Tip the balance. Let go of perfection. Here’s to you today as you work at staying tuned to all those little moments…in the long run, it is worth it.

In the long run it is truly relationship-building.

 

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2019 Alice Hanscam

Toe Dragging, Late to Work

February 15, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

A favorite story to share…

11-year old who does whatever she can do to drag her toes in the morning and make mom and her late for work and school.

Mom who nags, yells, tears her hair out as yet again her daughter doesn’t listen, step up, respect the fact that mom has to get to work on time–really, how difficult IS it to get dressed, eat breakfast, and load in the car on time?

Sound familiar?

Every morning up until recently it was a reactive, yelling, frustrating, hot tempered morning. Every morning mom dropped her daughter off feeling horrible. Every morning. And it just kept ramping up.

Then mom PAUSED. She considered what SHE could do differently in this equation that may influence everything in a more positive way. She thought about how much she wants to enjoy her daughter, part from her each day feeling good. She also thought about being calm, clear, and able to say what she means and mean what she does. Here’s what began to unfold:

Sunday night: “Honey, just so you know, I intend to leave for work and school by 7:30 tomorrow.” And then she turned her attention to other things to get done in the house. “Intend”–it is a powerful word. If she was to say “I AM leaving…” then she’d have to follow through by actually leaving her daughter behind–and that wasn’t a choice for their situation. “Intend” gave mom the opportunity to do just what she did the next morning…

Monday morning at 7:25: “Honey, I’m heading out to the car. Join me when you are ready!”  And off she went to sit in the car…listen to music so she could relax…and wait. Yes, she prepared for this by letting her boss know she may be late coming in; yes she worked hard at choosing music and her thoughts with care so she could stay calm and relaxed…or act as if. This effort to create a more positive experience meant a lot to her.

And when her daughter finally showed up, ready to complain how mom is rushing her and she didn’t have time to get her hair done and she probably forgot SOME thing and and and…all mom said was, “Thank you for being ready to go!” And headed down the driveway. That’s all. No, “You’re late” or “Why couldn’t you have hurried up a bit…” or “If you’d gotten up when you were supposed to you’d have had time for your hair…” Nope.

Just, “Thank you for being ready to go.”  Mom put her attention to exactly what she truly wanted–a daughter, ready to go.

The result? Every single day, mom felt more and more relaxed. The goodbyes each morning were increasingly pleasant. She and her daughter had a few nice conversations in the car. And her daughter began to show up closer to the 7:30 mark every single day.

Why? Because mom stepped out of the trying to control and make her behave a certain way, focused on herself first and decided how she wanted to feel each morning, and took responsibility for herself. This gave her daughter the opportunity to start taking responsibility for HER self–because no longer was her daughter’s attention on mom being mad.

AND mom intentionally affirmed out-loud what she wanted the most: “Thank you for being ready to go.”  She let go of the time factor–something she could do, focused on what she really wanted, and was rewarded with just what she intended–a daughter ready to go, and gradually on time.

Today, consider how it could look to switch up your dance step–to take responsibility for your choices and intentionally choose to feel calmer, more relaxed, maybe even light-hearted.  Being late to work or school may not be an option in your home, so consider with care what change you can make that can more  likely influence your children in positive and productive ways. Start by putting your attention on and getting clear about what you want the most. Think about the parts that are working, that you can appreciate.  Consider your part in it all and how you can bring that into your current challenge–and this becomes the first step of change you make–yourself.  Stick with this step for awhile. Notice what happens, what works, what feels better.

It’s difficult and it is do-able. Let your strength at pausing step up. Know just what you need and can do for yourself to help you bite your tongue and truly only say what you really want and be able to stay calm, patient, relaxed–OR to act-as-if. The cool thing? The more you commit to this new step, the easier it can get for you. YOU will feel better. And in time, your child will, too. Parenting can get a bit easier…and your relationships can feel a whole lot better.

Find Alice’s books here!

This mom? She feels empowered. She had a great week–even if they were actually on time just once. Her daughter? Way less drama…way more connection. They are on their way to a more positive, even joyful relationship. What a way to start your morning!

Want more? Try this: You Are Not Responsible for Your Child

With appreciation and JOY,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

3’s and 4’s Can Be HARD

December 8, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

3’s and 4’s can be HARD…and they can leave you wondering just what happened to your little one, who–not so long ago–was an agreeable and enjoyable little soul? All of a sudden their EXUBERANCE can become trying…testing…exhausting. SO…

HOW do you parent respectfully with

an over-the-top, EXUBERANT, volcanic-ly

erupting preschooler??

HOW do you stay calm, consistent, connected when all youwant to do is scream, yank, cry, shut-down–make it all go away?

Just because your preschooler is testing you like crazy does NOT mean you have failed at parenting respectfully, peacefully, positively. And preschoolers? They WILL test you like crazy. Loudly. Exuberantly. Endlessly. I want you to know that. They will and you CAN (parent respectfully!).

This over-the-top behavior? It means your child is ready to grow, become more independent, learn new things, get stronger from the inside out.  Know this is possible BECAUSE of your work at parenting respectfully.

So how? With connection. Okay, maybe a few other things, as well, such as keeping your promises, clear expectations, choice choice choice, showing them over and over what they CAN do. And endless patience. Remember to deposit into your Self-Care Account often!

And it is with connection that is paramount. Connection that says:

~You can count on me to keep it together no matter how you decide to behave. What a way to communicate confidence to your child, a safe (emotional and physical) space for them to “bang around” in.

~You can trust me to keep my promises–you can count on what I say is what I mean AND will do calmly, gently, consistently. What a way to build the essential foundation of trust.

~I will sit beside you while you are a puddle of tears. I will wait with you; I will be quiet and know just when to encourage you gently, perhaps a bit light-heartedly, perhaps just with open arms to hold you.

~I will stay near while you finish your tantrum. I will keep you safe and others around you safe. I will manage my own upset and embarrassment so you don’t have to. (So often our work at “getting them to stop/behave” is more about our embarrassment and discomfort. How we choose to handle our feelings directly influences how and what our child learns.)

~I understand how you feel and you know this because I say things like: “You are really mad that we have to leave. It’s hard for me to leave my friends, too. Shall we make plans to see them again soon?” “It really is frustrating when your little brother gets right into the middle of your work.” “I can see how sad you feel about not having a turn. You really like having turns at this game. Me, too…”

~I give you choices for how you CAN use your EXUBERANT self in appropriate ways: “You really want to be loud! Inside libraries are for quieter voices. Let’s go outside where you can be as LOUD as you’d like.” “ZOOM! You can run fast! You know what? The church has a rule of only walking. How about we go find the best running place of all together? I wonder where it might be…” “Ouch! Hitting hurts me! I can tell you are super mad right now. Sometimes you really need to HIT to get that mad out–we can go whack the couch pillows together, or maybe you can try high-fiving me on my hand with all your energy…”

~You can count on me to let you know what to expect. What a way for a child to feel more secure when his world is predictable: “We leave in 5 minutes. What would you like to finish up before we leave?” “When we are done reading these books, it is time to…” “When we head out the door to preschool, you’ll need your boots and coat ready to go. Do you want to stuff them in your backpack or wear them out to the car?” And then you keep your promise and follow-through no matter what your child chooses or how your child decides to behave.

A few more for you during those challenging moments…all with the intent to keep connection at the forefront and parenting respectfully leading the way:

“Looks like it is too hard for you to choose, so I will choose for you.” Then you do, calmly, matter-of-factly…respectfully.

“I’d be happy to listen to you/play with you when you calm down.” And maybe they need help in calming down–gently led to a quieter place, sat with without direct attention, held…or just given a space to be for awhile…

“Ohhh…that hurt your sister. She is really sad. I see how upset you are that she came in and wrecked your Lego structure. That just doesn’t feel fair, does it? I wonder what can help her and you feel better?” And you listen. Brainstorm. Comfort both as needed. Be available.

“I can hear you talking to me (as they whine…). You have something important to tell me.”

“It is really tough to share your toy with your friend. When you push and grab, it hurts his feelings. What is it you’d like to say?” Keep your attention on how you’d like them to handle things, rather than scolding for what they did…what we focus on grows, so choose with care where you put your attention.

Calm connection. Respectful parenting.

What does this require from you?

 

The ability to PAUSE. To calm YOUR self, first. To know, without a doubt, you are your child’s calm, confident leader. To know, without a doubt, this is all about growth and learning, rather than problems to fix.

It asks you to be OKAY with feeling embarrassed, mad, frustrated–what a way to role-model for your over-the-top preschooler that you, too, feel all these feelings AND can be counted on to manage them well. Show your child what you do with your big feelings. Acknowledge and affirm your own–it’ll make it easier for you to PAUSE and do the same for your child.

This is a slow process–never a quick fix. Know that. And as a result of trusting your ability to parent respectfully and letting calm connection lead the way, you will discover your preschooler to morph into a cooperative, communicative, collaborative, totally awesome 5- or 6-year-old.

Find Alice’s books here!

Just in time to gather yourself back together, enjoy family life once again, and be ready (and stronger!) for the next round of tumultuous times. At about 6.5 years of age. Hang on to your hat!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2017 Alice Hanscam

Push, Pull, and a PAUSE…

October 26, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

A story for you…

A dad and fourteen year old daughter. A relationship already partly defined by (normal) resistance from the teen–you know, “Daaaad!!! I already DID practice my piano!” “Daaaad! STOP yelling at me!” “Daaad! I can do my homework, quit bugging me…”

A relationship that has them doing cool things together as well as struggling. Nothing very different, most likely, from many of you.

Teen: “Dad, can I go to Hannah’s house this afternoon?”

Dad: “What about your homework?”

Teen: “I was going to do it with her…and I thought I’d practice my music before I went.”

Dad: “I want a couple of hours with you today to go do something fun. Where could we fit that in?”

A nice and respectful exchange. Teen came up with getting her music AND homework out of the way immediately, and wondered if her friend could join her and dad on the adventure–YES came dad’s answer. What a great way to encourage a child to take charge of their work and day–to figure out how to manage time. Teen checked in with her friend.

Teen: “Hannah’s dad wants to take me and Hannah to the garden show downtown…”

Dad: “What about OUR time? Now that means I don’t get my time with you to go on our adventure.”

Teen: “Daaad! You could come with us!”

Dad: “I don’t want to go there. So you are just going to go off with Hannah and her dad instead of spend time with me…? I guess you just don’t want to be with me…” (Said with no twinkle in the eye and definitely sadness)

Okay. So maybe you are “hearing” what started happening. Dad really wanted time with his daughter. I love that. Daughter really wanted time with her dad. How cool that is! Daughter is also a teen with whom friends become mighty important–and necessarily so at this age. Daughter was offering up a wonderful idea of together time with two dad’s and two teens.

But this Dad took it personally (initially). He took it as his teen didn’t want to spend time with him, that he wasn’t important enough to choose over her friend’s dad, and (underneath all that) that she didn’t love him–and he responded emotionally with the intent to get her to choose their original idea over the new idea so he’d feel better. Understandable–he was looking forward to their adventure.

But here’s the deal–when we start using our disappointment as emotional leverage to try to get our child to change their behavior in order for us to feel better, we are now asking them to take responsibility for how we feel.

He was communicating “you must not love me enough and in order for me to feel loved by you, you need to do it my way…” THIS is what a child can “hear” when we put how we feel in their hands.

This is why this story is important. Think about this. The teen now had a choice to make–to go with her friend and her friend’s dad (something she truly got excited about) leaving her dad sad and upset; or to go with her dad and say no to her friend.

But now how would she be feeling, going with her dad? I believe resentfully. Begrudgingly. Wishing she could be elsewhere but feeling like if she did, she’d make her dad feel even worse. If she went with her friend she’d be going feeling guilty about doing so and resentful towards her dad for “making her feel guilty.”

Neither of which are relationship-building.

Not quite what we intend when we feel hurt about how something unfolds. Not quite what we intend when we want our children to WANT to spend time with us. And if we are honest we do this, perhaps regularly, in our relationships–work really hard at getting our child (or our spouse?!) to do something (listen, behave, not throw a tantrum, quit rolling their eyes, decide to choose differently, get good grades…) in order for us to feel like a good parent, loved, important, respected, proud.

Just think about what could be different for us if we decided to feel like a good parent, loved, important, respected, proud NO MATTER how our kids decided to behave…

 

So really, this is about us. Let’s go back to Dad and teen. Teen was getting all upset, begging her dad to reconsider, to not see it as her deserting him, to try to get him to NOT be disappointed. This is where Dad took a very important step that turned what began as a relationship-depleting moment and let it become a relationship-building one.

He PAUSED.      

He took a moment to take care of his feelings of disappointment (something that really is HIS responsibility), to consider just what he really meant to say to his daughter and what he truly hoped for her, and then stepped back into his conversation with his teen and said:

“I’m sorry. I’m feeling disappointed because I was really looking forward to our adventure together. I think your friend and her dad have a wonderful idea and I want you to enjoy yourself…you and I can look to next weekend for doing an adventure together and I look forward to it!”

Now, whether he chooses to say “Yes, I’ll join you!” and see it as an opportunity to spend time with his daughter whether or not he likes garden shows OR if he chooses to pass, it becomes a matter-of-fact decision in which his teen can now decide for herself what she wants to do…now her focus is less on how dad feels, for he has taken responsibility for his own feelings, and her attention can be on how SHE feels about which choice seems best to her.

What a way to grow a respectful, self-directed, thoughtful future adult…and current teen .

Truly relationship-building. Respect for each other can now be communicated; feelings welcomed and understood; self-management and self-reflection become encouraged. And now the teen–no matter what she decides–can feel solid in her decision, in her relationship with her dad, in putting her attention to having a good time. Maybe she’ll even return home bursting with stories about all she did (or maybe how b-o-r-i-n-g it was…), wanting to share with her dad, excited to include him in her experiences…in her life…all because he PAUSED, considered, cared for himself, and then cared for her.

A story for you. May it bring you PAUSE as you consider focusing first on yourself, calming your feelings down, and then responding to your child in such a way they can grow themselves a little bit more towards the respectful, kind, thoughtful, joyful people you’d like to see. May it encourage you to work at caring for your self and your feelings so you can guide your children towards the same–able to take care of themselves, their feelings, and ultimately feel strong and confident in who they are becoming.

Find PAUSE and all of Alice’s books here!

PAUSE today. It is a muscle to exercise and can be used at any time…and it always makes a real and positive difference.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Oh Those BIG Alligator Tears!

July 23, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

Story time! One full of BIG feelings.

A mama caring for a 4-year-old (Mr. G), a 3.5-year-old (Mr. K), and two infants–8 and 10-months old. And a visitor (me), Miss Alice.

A handful, at times. You know, preschoolers being out-of-bounds, LOUD and BIG, insistent and ever-so-exuberant in all things? And boys, to boot.

Mama was rocking one baby to sleep, and another was crawling all around. Boys playing EXUBERANTLY downstairs….and then:

“NO! NONONONONONONONO!” STOP!!!” Feet pounding up the stairs, BIG alligator tears and wails and all-things-UPSET.

And here’s the beginning of what I had the privilege to witness. A lovely, just-right working through of BIG feelings that was all-things-relationship BUILDING and all-things positive and essential growth for young children.

Mama slowly and calmly moved from rocking baby, to kneeling down on the floor, opening up her arms and Mr. K. poured himself into her lap…Mr. G stood next to her, his words running over themselves as he said,

“Mr. K tugged and pulled and I wanted to go see Miss Alice and he PULLED my shirt like THIS and and and…”

Tears of discontent and “NONONO! I wanted Miss Alice and my Quiet Time and he he he he…” from Mr. K sobbing in Mama’s lap.   

Mama, calm and quiet, rubs Mr. K’s back as he buries his head, reaches out and touches Mr. G and says to him, “Mr K tugged and pulled on your shirt and you didn’t like that.”

Mr. G, “NO. I didn’t! I wanted to see Miss Alice FIRST!”

Mama, “You wanted to get up the stairs fast to see Miss Alice.”

Mr. G, “YES. And he..he..he pulled on me like THIS…and I didn’t LIKE it and I didn’t want to stop…” and he took a breath and stopped for a moment. Mama looked at him and smiled in an understanding way.

Then Mama turned her attention to Mr K, “Mr K, I’d like to listen to what you want to tell me, now.” And Mr K broke out into fresh sobs and said, “I wanted to do my Quiet Time with Miss Alice and Mr G wouldn’t let me and he wouldn’t STOP when I said STOP so I pulled on his shirt to STOP him….”

Mama, “You really wanted to see Miss Alice and invite her to join you for your Quiet Time. You were really worried that you wouldn’t be able to do this because Mr G wanted to see Miss Alice, too.”

“Yeeeeeessssssss!”

Mama paused. She looked at Mr G standing there next to her, listening intently with furrowed brow and said, “Mr G, how are you feeling right now?”

And here’s where something lovely happened–Mr G PAUSED. He thought for a moment…and then said, “Happy…AND mad!” To our complete delight and surprise, as you can imagine! Yet it made sense…

Happy because he had been listened to. Happy because he could count on being heard and respected. Happy because real and meaningful attention was being given to something very serious to two little boys. MAD because he really didn’t LIKE having his clothes tugged and pulled on. MAD because he really wanted to “go see Miss Alice first.” And able to express both because attention to feelings has been meaningful work in his family.

And Mr K chuckled. In the midst of his sobs, he heard Mr. G’s words and they brought a bit of laughter and lightness even to Mr K.

Then Mama, also smiling a bit, said, “Mr K, how do YOU feel right now?” And that bit of laughter subsided and he said, “I’m NOT happy. I’m SAD.”

And tears all over again.   

This mama? She sat on the floor in the midst of all the Great Big Mad and Sad. She reflected back to each boy what they said. She listened carefully to both. She never once tried to solve their conflict. She never once offered up a distraction or tried to hurry through it all. She never ONCE admonished Mr G for pushing past Mr K to “be first” or Mr K for pulling on Mr G’s clothes to try to stop him. This was important, for this really wasn’t where the real learning needed to be. It needed to be on understanding feelings and being heard and comforted for both boys to actually learn and grow and eventually listen and understand each other. And eventually NOT push past or tug on clothes.

She sat in this all even with one baby crawling up and over and around and in and out and the other fussing a bit since the rocking had slowed. Also both needing some attention…and yet…seemingly able to wait.

She just sat and listened as they re-hashed and re-told and re-demonstrated what felt like an injustice on both their parts.

You’d think it would go on forever, with no distraction or new idea or “Okay, boys, enough already” from Mama. But instead, they both–ON THEIR OWN–reached the point of done. They BOTH felt heard, comforted, sorted out. They both got to that place of feeling in charge of their feelings, in charge of themselves, and empowered because of this.

Seven minutes. That is what this took. And then Mr K got up from Mama’s lap, grabbed his Quiet Time backpack, took Miss Alice’s hand and off they went to be together.

Mr G watched them go, then turned to Mama and said, “Let’s play hide and seek!”

That’s all. I had the privilege of watching all of this. I had to work at pausing, too, you know. I wanted to “jump in” a bit. All those BIG feelings? They feel a bit uncomfortable. You want to fix them, make them go away, stop them. I knew better and I paused, but I want you to know I, too, can feel uncomfortable in another’s big feelings.

I took my lead off of Mama. I took my lead off of my own words to all of you. I let a PAUSE lead MY way. It let me watch. Listen with care. Notice and appreciate. And it had me going to kneel next to the boys near the end of it all and offer my hand to Mr K and let him know I, too, was ready for Quiet Time.

Truly a lovely, important, necessary exchange for all.

Find PAUSE and all of Alice’s books here!

Today, let a PAUSE lead your way. Let it slow you down a bit, allow you to really listen to another, observe a situation, notice what can be appreciated. What a difference this makes. A real, meaningful difference. These two boys? They still have challenges and conflicts with each other. AND they move through them more and more on their own. Because they CAN. They know they will be heard, respected, understood. And really, that can make all the difference.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2018 Alice Hanscam

Migraines, Laundry, and a PAUSE

June 28, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

A story for you.

A story shared with permission from a follower who paused and discovered more than she ever imagined. Let it put a smile on your face as it encourages and inspires you to keep exercising your PAUSE muscle…

I paused today, and it was transformative. I’ve fought a migraine for most of today, and all I wanted to do was get through pre-bedtime and bedtime with my three-year-old twins with minimal yelling and power struggles. I had told them that I had a headache and asked for their cooperation. Everything was going relatively smoothly, until…

…I came back upstairs from cleaning up the kitchen to find all of the clothes from their hamper upended on the floor of their room, and they were both pouring the water from their bottles onto the pile. I was LIVID. I forced myself to PAUSE, to remain calm, and that’s when I noticed they were both beaming. I asked, as quietly as I could, what they were doing.

My daughter’s answer: “Mama has a headache so we’re helping. We’re washing our own clothes. Now Mama doesn’t need to do laundry!”

What a smile this put on this Mama’s face and heart! What could have been a major meltdown on everyone’s part changed instead into a moment of real and meaningful connection–and a bedtime that followed smoothly. All because of her PAUSE. Transformational, indeed.

Her PAUSE allowed her to see the caring, compassionate little girls she was actively growing. It allowed her a moment of complete disbelief and then joy in a circumstance that, quite honestly, could have any one of us pushed over the edge. This mama, by her moment of pausing, deposited--in magnificent ways--into her relationship with her daughters. It deposited magnificently into their confident, capable, competent little souls.

HOW did she PAUSE?

Here is what she said:

“Pausing doesn’t come naturally to me. I literally had to slow my breathing down and clench and un-clench my hands to get my self to remain silent for a minute. I’m a work in progress for sure!”

And I just had to reply…for we are ALL a “work in progress!”

Here is what I told her:

“You’ve just discovered’ a way to create a PAUSE that works for you–THIS is fantastic. Clenching and un-clenching your hands–a physical action that had you able to stop and calm down. And keep in mind, there is no end goal…we are always a work in progress . Now you have a way that works that you can exercise again and again…and I encourage you to keep on noticing other ways you already are growing that pause muscle…other ways you have been successful at focusing first on yourself and finding that calm within in.”

Find PAUSE and all of Alice’s books here!

A “simple” PAUSE can be and often is transformational. In little and then in quite tremendous and meaningful ways.

THIS can be your story. Let it be your story.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2018 Alice Hanscam

Round and Round You Go

April 19, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

Negotiating–constantly, tirelessly, endlessly.  Ever so exhausting.

Or maybe it is the incredible and endless array of ideas your child has to wiggle out of something or do something or get something.

Perhaps it’s The Last Word and the struggle to HAVE the last word, since of course you are the adult.  And it’s exhausting, feeling totally at the end of your rope with this constantly escalating “last word” game you play with your child.

Or maybe, just maybe, you are secretly proud of how your child demonstrates all the future skills of a lawyer. We were with ours . Until frustration and exhaustion over-rode that bit of pride…

Or all those amazing ideas? You really appreciate how creatively your child wiggles out of taking responsibility for something or gets something out of you or manages to do just what it is they wanted. Pretty cool skill of theirs. Admiration fills you…alongside the irritation, concern, wondering if really you just didn’t give in and maybe you shouldn’t have…

And really, you’d LIKE to have your child listen to your “no” the first time. Or stop already with getting in the last word. Or realize–PLEASE–that those creative ideas just aren’t going to work. EVER.

Over the last couple of days I’ve had several parents end up in tears as they shared all of the above with me. Tears because they recognize they are at a total loss as how to encourage the creativity and still be clear on boundaries. Tears because they really, really don’t like ending up in a yelling match with their future-lawyer-child.

Tears because they felt like failures as parents.

 

Failures because they really didn’t know how to balance the creativity, the endless negotiating, the fights over the last word with the calm, respectful, clear-with-expectations-and-follow-through they intuitively knew their child needed.

Failures because they really didn’t know how to be calm, respectful, clear AND allow creative ideas, big feelings, anger, persistence, etal to have their place. I truly hope they walked away from our brief time together feeling a bit of relief, calmer, and definitely more confident in themselves.

I believe it all comes down to PAUSE. 

I know, that seems overly simple, but stay with me, here.

With a strong pause muscle you can now give yourself the moment to take a deep breath. To consider the strengths you CAN appreciate about the incredibly annoying behavior.

To see how these can be encouraged and guided so that future adult you imagine has all these skills AND the self-control, compassion, ability to truly collaborate and create with others.

To more thoughtfully and intentionally decide just what step you do want to take right now, in this moment. Even if it becomes one that clearly doesn’t work. At least you’ve now done it from a place of intention rather than just reacting–and that speaks volumes of respect to a child.

And a PAUSE allows you to tap into that inner confidence and strength you DO have and often gets lost in the overwhelming nature of parenting. It allows you to show yourself the care and compassion necessary as you make mistakes, work exceptionally hard, wish for do-overs on a daily basis. What a way to role model for your kids the essential self-care we all need in order to live well. Show yourself care and compassion–and by doing so, you are teaching your child to do the same.

Pausing can help you relax a bit. To more likely allow your child’s ideas and feelings FIRST, and then show them just what it is they can expect. To follow through with the “no” you said, to ignore their “last word” because by you just trying to get in the last word, you are role modeling the very thing you don’t want to see in them (now that was a lesson hard for me to learn!).

With a strengthened pause muscle, calm connection starts leading the way.

 

Now when you still have absolutely no clue as what to do, you are still communicating, “We will figure this out.”  What an important message for a child to hear–that no matter how confusing, overwhelming, scary it is, “We will figure this out.”

With a pause leading the way, YOU have an opportunity to figure things out for you. To find the answers, guidance, advice, knowledge necessary to take steps to guide your child well. To forgive yourself as you stumble along this never-slowing-down journey with your kids.

And remember. All of this parenting, growth, and learning? It takes time. It is a process. A process filled with angst, joy, do-overs, support, relief, delight. Never perfect. Always a roller-coaster. Totally worth it. And so are you. It is OKAY to struggle. Let a pause be a bit of self-care.Let your struggle be the opportunity to role model for your child just what you do with struggle. Know your struggle is because you are in the midst of real learning. Just like your child.

Find PAUSE and all of Alice’s books here!

Here’s to all of you lost in the incredible negotiation skills of your child; fighting over the last word; buried in all the creative ideas that leave you wondering how your child managed to get out of or do or get something that you never intended. You have LOTS of company!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

We ARE Responsible For…

April 7, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Have you ever found yourself thinking:
 
“Argh! My preschooler is driving me nuts!”
“It’s going to be super hard with my little one at the store–she can’t sit still and never listens to me!”
“He broke curfew! Now he’s going to be difficult to live with for a few days, not being allowed to see his friends. It’s going to be a rough go…”
“Oh man. She took such a short nap. Our afternoon is going to be miserable!”
“I’m already exhausted thinking about plowing through all that homework with my child. They hate it and so do I.”
 
We are responsible for the thoughts we bring into any situation. Let’s choose them with care.
Just think–as we enter into these challenging moments with our children, with our thoughts on all that we see going wrong, being hard, assuming tantrums and resistance and upset–we most likely get exactly that. Hard. Tantrums. Resistance. Upset. What we focus on grows. Whatever we put our attention on, we get more of. I don’t know about you, but when I stepped into tough times with my girls thinking the worse, I got the worst. Or, even if they surprised me and did pretty well, I was already rather emotionally depleted due to my thoughts. Hard to relish that they DID do well as I simultaneously felt DONE. Not a whole lot of fun. Certainly less productive and far from relationship-building.
 
We are responsible for the thoughts we bring into any situation and we need to take responsibility for them–and whatever follows as a result. Why don’t we work harder at taking care of and being intentional with what thoughts we start with? What difference this can make.
 
Such as intentionally deciding to use our thoughts to promote more of what we want. This starts with a pause and considering where your child does do better, work harder, listen, come home on time, etc. Let a PAUSE give you a bit of space to rest your mind on the more productive and successful times you’ve had (and sometimes these are the times you hardly notice, for your child is managing themselves well!)…and then use this awareness to help you step in and more likely create the experience you hope for right now. All by how you are thinking about things.
 
Try these on for size and think about how you might feel differently (and how your child might behave) as a result:
 
“My preschooler is exuberant! All his exponential growth is pouring out of him! Has me smiling and sighing at the same time :-). I can be patient and calm!”
 
“I know my little one needs lots of time to move. I know she loves to do things with me. Let’s see if I can make the store time together something she can really participate in.”
 
“He broke our curfew! Not seeing his friends for a few days will be tough on him. I will do my best to let him be upset. We will work through this!”
 
“Ahhh…too short of a nap. Let’s make our afternoon a quieter one so she is less likely to fall totally apart.”
 
“So much homework! What can we do to make it easier to navigate? Hmmm…”
And now? You are more likely entering into these situations feeling calmer, clearer, steadier. Maybe only a little bit more, and that’s okay. This helps you be more open to what unfolds. Creativity often steps up as you quickly re-direct your toddler at the store, offer up your exuberant preschooler just what they need to get all their BIG feelings out and expressive selves expressed, find yourself listening quietly to your very upset teen, discovering just what your school-aged child needs to focus best on homework, finding quiet time to ease your little one’s tired afternoon.

 

The cool thing is, instead of getting wrapped up in all that feels depleting and exhausting, you begin to see the important and wonderful growth in your child. Instead of seeing all they are doing “wrong” you begin to see all they are doing WELL or better. You will find yourself understanding your child better, appreciating the growth they are doing, and more likely discovering ways to nurture that rather than hinder it. Through the Lens of Appreciation is an article I wrote that may help you further, as you work at reframing your own thoughts about your child.

 

Choose your thoughts with care as you step in to respond to, guide, and be with your child. Know that this is something you can control, something that can truly make a relationship-building difference. How cool is that?

With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2021 Alice Hanscam

Calm. It isn’t easy.

February 2, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Calm.

It’s easy when things are going well, kids are getting along, life isn’t hectic. It’s easy when you can plug your ears, shut your eyes, disappear as necessary :-). It’s easy when you feel rested, nourished, even energized. Things go better, more smoothly. Maybe even those times where calm is had by locking yourself in the bathroom for a bit–heck, at least you aren’t in the midst of the crazy! A bit of self-care…

Calm is hard, often. And when it’s hard, being that positive influence can go out the window. Those are the times you wish for do-overs–later, when you’ve had time to think, to take a break. Those are the times you end up in a puddle of tears along with your child.

So how DO you become that calm, positive influence your child needs the most in order to grow well?

Exercise and strengthen your PAUSE muscle. It sounds easy, right? 

Practicing your ability to, when your button has been pushed and the heat rises in you, stop…take a moment or a few hours (!). Breathe, count to ten (or a hundred!), walk away, do something that helps you create a bit of space so you can first focus on yourself. Calm yourself down–even an iota. THEN step in and respond to your child, rather than react. Sounds simple.

It is. And it isn’t. Like any habit, it takes practice. Grace for all those times you don’t pause first. Patience as you strengthen a new and powerful skill. It can be easier in some situations. These are the ones worth noticing, appreciating, and practicing. For me, it was easiest to pause and create a bit of space (physically, mentally, whatever) when I felt in a rush to get out the door and my girls were dragging their toes. This irritated me, but it didn’t push any big button in me. So this is where I practiced…taking a deep breath, letting go a bit about lateness, and using as even-keeled a voice as I could to e-a-s-e us out the door…and the more I could do this, the less they dragged their toes!

Knowing I could pause successfully and positively influence my girls at these times gave me the encouragement I needed as I worked at pausing during the really tough moments for me–teen resistance, push-back, sarcasm, eye-rolling, foot stomping, you name it (oh, door slamming, too). It isn’t a smooth road forward, this pausing. It is much more of a roller coaster. The trick is to keep focusing on when pausing has worked for you, when you’ve felt better about what could have been a challenge or struggle and wasn’t; when you’ve felt good about keeping it together even as your child loses it.

Notice these times, for in them you paused. You were able to step in calmer…and in doing so, you created the connection your child needed in order to navigate whatever the moment held. Or if not that particular moment (you know, those times you did well at being calm and your child still spiraled to the Nth degree?), know that the more you DO step in with a pause and calm connection, the more likely IN TIME things will be navigated better, more smoothly.

This is being that positive influence they need the most in order to grow well. This is being the adult your child needs you to be in order to feel safe in the midst of BIG feelings. This is how trust is built. THIS is what grows those respectful relationships we all want. This is relationship-building.

Here’s my pause story for you from when my eldest first taught me how.

It goes waaay back about 17 years…and yes, I am STILL working on strengthening my ability to PAUSE! The amazing thing is how my work at pausing has impacted all my relationships in uplifting ways–truly. It can for you, too.

Find Alice’s books here!

If you’d like more help, my book PAUSE is a wonderful resource for you. Check it, and my other two books, out right here: https://www.denaliparentcoaching.com/books/

Meanwhile, here’s to YOU and your growing ability to PAUSE. What a gift to your children! What a gift to all your relationships.

With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
www.denaliparentcoaching.com
©2021 Alice Hanscam

The Challenge of Parenting

December 12, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

The challenge of parenting?  It doesn’t come with a “How To” manual.

It DOES come with an incredible mixture of joy, confusion, self-doubt, FRUSTRATION, chaos, pride, exhaustion, adventure, “NOW what?” “How do I…” “STOP IT” “I just don’t know…” “I’m scared.” “Why won’t they…” “WOW…”

It comes with eye-rolling, BIG feelings (yours and theirs!), tumultuous times, even-keeled times, in-between times. It can come with judgment, acceptance, guilt, real and meaningful connection, no sleep, too much sleep if you have a teen-ager, and joy–did I mention JOY?

What a journey! And it requires US to grow. To become increasingly better at managing OUR feelings so our children can manage theirs. To become clearer in just what we are wanting for our kids…our future adults…our relationships. It requires us to let go, go with the flow, stick to our promises made, do the hard AND the fun of all of it.

Three resources of mine that can really help you figure out just HOW TO do this parenting deal well include “Parenting Through Relationship”, “PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection” and “Parenting Inspired; Finding Grace in the Chaos, Confidence in Yourself, and Gentle Joy along the Way.”

Know that can be successfully absorbed in the brief bits of time you actually have, include stories of parents JUST LIKE YOU, have practical and simple steps that help YOU parent well, and my own stories and words of wisdom gleaned through the years woven throughout.

Know that these books can and will bring you relief, laughter, encouragement and yes, even inspire you to do the hard work of creating the change you really want.

The cool thing is…they are all about YOU. No advice, no “you should”, no one way only. Because parenting? Though there are hard and fast “rules” such as developmental stages our children go through, what works for one may be and often is entirely different from what works for the next. Both in regards to your kids AND each of us as parents.

Find Alice’s books here!

Know that my books are way more about discovering what IS working for you, what YOUR strengths and abilities are, what works with YOUR child and in YOUR family…and culture…and…

Check them out.

Make it great today. YOU and your kids are worth all the hard work you are doing. Keep it up and know you have lots of company!

With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Building Resilience in Our Children

June 22, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment

Resilience…the ability to manage and move through struggle productively. And struggles we will all have. Helping to grow children able to draw upon their inner strength and appropriate coping mechanisms is key for healthy living. Here is what I gathered together for a handout shared at a workshop with parents:

What can resilience look like?

Sticking with a frustrating experience—whether it is working through a really tough school assignment, a little one FINALLY (and with great pride) getting shoes tied on her own after focusing and fussing and trying again all morning long, or perhaps working hard at getting up the icy sledding hill no matter the backwards slide that seems to defeat the goal…       

Picking yourself up again following yet another failure—such as forging ahead to study even harder as yet another school assignment came back with a poor grade; deciding to practice a dance routine endlessly after getting cut from the school talent show—because you KNOW another chance will come and you want to be ready; a baby pulling herself up, falling, bonking her head, crying, and still pulling herself up once again…

Grieving successfully—experiencing loss via a death, change of any sort, or separation (even from those special stuffed animals that need to, at times, get washed) can cause feelings of grief.  By giving all feelings a chance to be expressed, to feel supported and safe in the midst of all the big feelings, to have resources to turn to—and to turn to them—is key for moving through any loss.

Coping with any stress in healthy ways—whether it is actively breathing through another morning rushed for time and actually staying calm despite everyone else falling apart; a child being allowed to feel mad and sad about the big move to a new town, house, and/or school—and given ways to share his feelings in productive ways; or perhaps your child bursting with energy following a long day at school—and given the opportunity to burst! Followed by a good snack…and maybe some down time… 🙂

What do our children need to be resilient?

~ To feel strong from within themselves and the awareness they can “turn within” to draw upon this strength

~ Close, connected, caring relationships with their adults–trust is built upon these and trust is key.

~ To feel in control of themselves—managing feelings, feeling capable, able to problem solve, can count on a trusted adult to have confidence in their abilities.

~ Ability to make healthy, productive choices in order to process stress–and having been shown what these are as their trusted adult role-models often.

~ Time to play, for children–younger ones especially–use play for processing experiences. Often non-adult directed and uninterrupted, creative and imaginative play.

 What does building resilience in our child require from us?

~Being the calm, connected, consistent guide that they can count on

~ Naming and affirming feelings; showing them appropriate ways to express them

~ Respecting struggle—step back and resist fixing, rescuing, berating as your child struggles. See struggle as an opportunity for growth and learning rather than a problem to fix.

~ Giving our kids plenty of opportunity to be in charge of themselves (age appropriately) so they can learn from the inside out that they are capable, competent souls.

~ Noticing daily what is working for your child to manage struggle—in little or big ways. “You really stuck with that…I noticed how reading books in your room helped you calm yourself…You asked for help just when you needed it the most…You kept your hands to yourself! That took a lot of self-control…” What we focus on grows.

Resilience! A strength for a lifetime of wellness.  

 

A bit more from me:

Know that all you do to respect your child’s feelings, time to play, ability to solve their own problems as you walk beside them listening and asking questions, the more they can grow their selves from the inside-out. Strength! And a solid foundation from which to navigate the ups and downs of life.

Know that the more you focus first on yourself, calming your own anxieties down, pausing in order to respond instead of react, the more you communicate to your child your confidence in their ability to move through any struggle.

Find Alice’s books here!

Resilience. We get plenty of opportunity to roll up our sleeves and dig in deep–whether it is daily parenting stress or a pandemic. Give your child the gift of your resilience as you help them build their own.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2020 Alice Hanscam

 

 

Taking Care of YOU during Hard Times

June 9, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

Life has turned upside down. Uncertainty reigns…along with fear, anxiety, worry, frustrations, kids beginning to drive you nuts, and absolutely NO time for yourself.

It is YOU I write to today. You and taking care of you so you can move through these challenging times in the best possible way. And know that can mean anything from just keeping your head above water, to actually feeling pretty darn good. Either way, you are in the game and THAT is to be appreciated.     

Self-care is pretty tough to think about when all day long is spent with everyone based at home, work trying to be accomplished, brainstorming just what you all need to be okay, no school to give you a much needed break from kids, perhaps elders in your life you are caring for or about…

And yet…it all comes down to each one of us individually. We must first take care of ourselves in order to be in a good position to care for others.

So let’s start with you right now. Let this be your PAUSE to stop, take in a few deep breaths, let them out slowly, and examine the thoughts running through your head. You get to decide what you want to think about, how you want to feel, what you decide to DO.

“I’m going crazy!” can become “This is really, really hard and I CAN move through it.”

“My kids are driving me nuts!” can become “Man, they are bouncing off the walls. I can keep myself together even if they can’t!”

“I’m worried sick.” can become “I am clear on how to live healthfully and am confident in the steps I take.”

“There is NO way I can get any work done!” can become “I find just the right time to accomplish what I need to.”

“I just don’t know what to DO!” can become, “I become clear about what needs to happen and can feel good I’m doing my best.”

What we say to ourselves MATTERS. It directly affects how we feel and then what we do. What does this require of you? Self-care.

Every little bit you do, intentionally and just for you, becomes a deposit into what I like to call your Self-Care Savings Account. And with even a little bit you now have more patience, resilience, ability to persevere.

Some ideas for you in the midst of all this craziness:

  • Stand extra long in your hot shower…
  • Choose your favorite mug, hot drink, and make it. Drinking it can be considered a bonus deposit!
  • Call a friend and chat for a few minutes.
  • Sit down and welcome your dog or cat into your lap and stroke their wonderful fur.
  • Do a few yoga stretches.
  • Watch a funny You Tube.
  • Take a lap around your yard…maybe stop to enjoy spring flowers or fresh critter prints in the snow.
  • Gaze at a favorite art print or photo and let good memories wash over you.
Find Alice’s books here!

Think about what you can do for just a minute or so, just for you, that would feel good. Then do it. Even in the midst of full-on craziness, there is time for this. And it is even more necessary than ever before.

Here’s to you in all our uncertainty and new-for-now reality. And here is another bit that might help: “Its OKAY”

You are enough!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2020 Alice Hanscan

The Gift of Our Pandemic

May 29, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment

The Gift of (any) Pandemic…

Stay with me here, for I know it sounds rather conflicting–how can a pandemic, our shutting down of our economies, losing jobs, sheltering in place, having to wear masks and stay away from loved ones or feeling guilty if not doing so or or or be considered a gift?   
 
There is real difficulty and pain, I know. And yet there is one prevailing result of living through this pandemic that I hope will be nurtured and grown for all of us in years to come.
 
Connection. Real, meaningful, warm, intentional, genuine connection.
 
Connection that says… 
 
...YOU are important to me.                                    
…I give you my full attention.
…I hear you.
….I want to spend time with you!
…I love you.
…You can lean on me; I can lean on you.
…Let me help.
…I will make time for you.
 
It seems to me we are all discovering what is truly at the core of being human; that connection is what we are missing, seeking, creating, relishing. It is painful–deeply painful–for those unable to connect at the end of another’s life. That seems to me to be the biggest indicator of how crucial connection is for all of us in order to live, be, die well.
 
We are discovering how much we WANT to connect–and our frustrations over limitations or willingness to take increased risks are indicators of just this.
 
We are discovering oh-so-many creative ways to BE connected! Zoom has come in handy for my family 🙂 . Outdoor time via walks, hikes, games that keep you appropriately distanced are being enjoyed by many (try badminton! Or a water-balloon *fight* or hopscotch!) Meals and even cooking together via a screen. Letters written, stories shared, fun and necessary deliveries made on doorsteps. 
 
We are, I hope, discovering how connection via a screen answers a certain level of connection AND is a reminder of it’s limitations for connecting at the necessary deeper level. And it is this deeper level that is crucial for all of us to BE well–mentally, emotionally, and physically. The gift of our pandemic is embracing, nurturing, and enriching all of our connections. 
 
Find Alice’s books here!

Today, look to this gift. Seek out and create connection in any way you can. Be intentional. Look for and help in any way you can those who feel too isolated, who are suffering a lack of meaningful connection. Vow to keep this intentional connection in place no matter the health of the world, for it will absolutely improve the health of our world.

Connection is healing.

With hope and JOY,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2020 Alice Hanscam

Tumultuous Growth

February 20, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

You know how our children go through stages–periodically nice and calm and everything feels good–WE feel good and we actually feel like good parents because things seem to flow rather easily?

And then tumultuous times hit.

Things start getting more chaotic, our kids start to act up and test and be all out of sorts. We begin to tear our hair out, wondering “What happened to my child???” or maybe we are putting ourselves down, “I’m a terrible parent…I can’t do anything right.” Stress climbs, the days feel extra long and hard and confusing…

And then new growth emerges. All of a sudden our child is taller, able to crawl, suddenly puts all those words together and reads, has increased language skills, can actually DO those cartwheels and handstands, suddenly “gets” math, is sleeping through the night…

And life calms down once again.   

Round and round we go through childhood working hard at keeping it together during the tumultuous times, relishing the smoother times. If you are like me, those smoother times often slipped by unnoticed initially–it almost took another round of tumultuous times for me to recognize (and relish rather belatedly) how things actually HAD calmed down.

Growth! Every single tumultuous time is all about growth.

New growth causes anxiety, discomfort, confusion–for us and for our children. What is important is to recognize how it feels to welcome these tumultuous times as the opportunity for growth and learning they are–rather than a problem to fix, something to “get through”, to make go away. And to notice, as you step into it looking for the opportunities for growth, what you do and think and feel differently. I know for me it had me more curious, looking to what might emerge as a result–keeping me focused on the possibilities rather than the problem–being more relaxed and accepting. It was still hard, but it became a positive and affirming hard.

Something I was unaware of during my children’s childhood was how adults go through the same cycles.

We get into the flow, things feel easy, we are energized and creative and productively contributing–we feel GOOD. And then, due to whatever change or event or challenge, we don’t. We get uncomfortable, uncertain, doubting ourselves, wondering what our purpose is, feeling at a loss. We can find ourselves grieving–sometimes without even knowing why. Often we get so lost in the chaos of parenting that it takes years for us to recognize our own cycles–our own quest for growth.

That is where I am right now. In the tumultuous part of my own growth cycle. As I reflect on how children do this naturally and without self-judgement, and how incredible growth always emerges as a result, I find myself becoming more relaxed, curious, looking to what gifts are going to emerge as I sit in a rather uncomfortable and confusing place. I’m unsure of what is going to unfold in front of me, I’m working hard at staying fully present, at trusting the Universe, at depositing into my self-care account. I am working hard at walking the talk that I always share with each of you–pausing, calming, gaining clarity–and letting go and trusting. Key players for parenting and living well .

I want to share this because I know many of you are experiencing the natural life transitions that occur and perhaps are working hard at making yourself feel better, do better, be what you “used” to be or figure out what you want or need or feel you should be. And I want to let you know it is okay. Reflect on how children move through their growth cycles and allow yourself to do the same–accepting, allowing, letting a PAUSE lead the way.

Allow your feelings to be without trying to make them go away or change. Just like we do for our children–give them the space to feel their feelings without judgment. Do the same for yourself. What great role modeling for your children…

Affirm yourself and keep your attention on what is feeling okay, better, calmer, whatever. Just like with our children, what we focus on grows, so focus on how you intend to feel and be.

Take care of yourself–do little things, just for you. Do big things if you can. As we do with our children when they are upset, confused, out of sorts, be gentle with yourself. Create that “safe place” to feel and be and notice what is different as a result. Simplify where you can. Just as we do with our children.

We get so caught up with trying to make the tumultuous times with our children and ourselves “go away” that we lose sight of the purpose of these times–the important growth that they are all about. Today, take some time to switch up how you look at the chaos in front of you–yours or your child’s. Consider what you might do or say or feel differently if you could welcome the chaos for the growth opportunity it is. Truly welcome. Open the door, open your arms wide, and welcome the tumultuous time in. Give it a place of honor. Act-as-if whenever necessary…

And then let curiosity step up as you look to what gifts it brings…what growth is trying to emerge. Notice what is different as a result. And if it is still hard, confusing, feeling out of sorts? That is okay–just think, the growth trying to emerge? It is a beauty. And it takes the respect of time.

Here’s to welcoming new growth!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach
©2015 Alice Hanscam

Quick! Your child’s starting to lose it!

November 2, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

Your child is beginning to freak out. Losing it…loudly. Ramping it up to a full blown tantrum. Resistance, push-back, tension… Quick! Offer them their favorite television show or app on your phone or game on their digital device.

Phew! Crisis averted. What a relief! Your little one is now glued to their screen, QUIET, and you find yourself calming a bit, able to continue on with getting done whatever it is you planned on getting done…or maybe this quick distraction to screen gave you the opportunity to buckle your child up in their car seat and actually have a bit of peace and quiet for the drive home…or finish your meal in the restaurant without embarrassing everyone…

Okay. So your child is now calm. You are calm. But consider this–the message you’ve just given (especially if this is a go-to solution for you on a regular basis…) is “you need this distraction in order to manage your feelings.” Or “you need to BE distracted because I have no confidence in your (or my) ability to manage your feelings.” Or “I cannot handle how you are feeling/behaving…”

What a scary thing for a child.

To think the most mature person–their special adult in their lives–cannot handle how they feel. This really rocks a child’s world…and usually ramps them up even more.

What a way to undermine their ability to (eventually) manage their OWN feelings. To understand, accept, process, and express appropriately all the emotions they have.

What a way to undermine OUR ability to do the same–be comfortable in our own feelings–our anxiety, lack of confidence in our own selves, embarrassment, you name it.

Consider this from the American Academy of Pediatrics:

“Avoid using media as the only way to calm your child. Although there are intermittent times (eg, medical procedures, airplane flights) when media is useful as a soothing strategy, there is concern that using media as strategy to calm could lead to problems with limit setting or the inability of children to develop their own emotion regulation.” (Am. Academy of Pediatrics)

So what to do?

Because really, these BIG and LOUD feelings and over-the-top behaviors really DO cause a ton of anxiety. For everyone involved. Ideas for you with the intent to grow a child able to manage themselves in healthy ways:

~ PAUSE. Calm yourself as much as possible FIRST. What a way to role-model taking care of our own feelings in healthy ways.

~ Name and affirm the feeling your child has. “It makes you really mad…” “You are feeling so so frustrated!” “You really don’t want to leave, yet.” “It makes you mad when I buckle you up in your seat. It is important to be safe…” “It really hurt your feelings when…” “I can see how tired you are. That sure makes it hard for you to…”

~ Give a clear framework, choice inherent: “When you calm down we can…” “I will take you to your room and stay with you while you work at settling down…” “You need to get your mad OUT. Would pounding the couch together help?” “I will stop you from hurting your brother. I can see you are really upset. When we’ve all calmed down a bit we can talk about this…” “Let’s take a few deep breaths like this…and then you can choose if you want to buckle all by yourself or have me help you.”

~ Follow through with what you’ve offered up calmly, matter-of-factly. Whether it is buckling for them (perhaps initially making them even LOUDER and more upset), closing the bedroom door and sitting against it while you keep them company, keeping your promise of talking about it once things have settled, joining in alongside them to pound away at the couch. Your calm, matter-of-fact, willing to stay near, involved, connected self speaks volumes to your child. Respectful volumes.

And now, no matter how your child chooses to behave, you’ve communicated a safe, steady, solid place in which they get the opportunity to sort themselves out. To FEEL. To BE loud and hurt and mad and sad and frustrated without judgment but WITH company, guidance, comfort, and role-modeling that can show them just what to DO with all these upset feelings.

It may not be pretty. It may still be embarrassing, frustrating, anxiety-provoking for YOU, but because you’ve paused…and focused on taking care of your feelings, you are able to step in alongside your upset child and really help them navigate their experience with the confidence they need from you and need to feel you have in them.

Then in time, with your consistent, calm, connected self leading the way, you will discover your child pausing. Breathing. Disappearing into their room to process, chill, figure things out. You’ll discover hotly contested ideas with their brother or friend that no longer need your input. You’ll see your child use self-control that actually has you smiling a bit. You’ll get better at catching those moments and noticing them: “I saw you put your hands in your pocket when your friend made you mad. What a great way to remember to keep your hands to yourself…” “I noticed you used your words to let her know how you felt.” “Even though you were so frustrated, you kept working and working and you DID it!” “I appreciate how you chose to go play by yourself when things started ramping up. What a way to take care of your feelings!”

And your child will be a bit better and stronger in doing just what he or she is meant to–manage themselves. No need for distraction. No need for another to do it for them (and really, think about it. Do you want your future teen needing another to decide for them what and how to do or feel?). And those screens? They can now be used at crucial stress filled times now and again without undermining the important growth of self-regulation.

Find PAUSE and all of Alice’s books here!

So today…pause. Consider those potentially embarrassing, anxiety driven, frustrating moments as an opportunity for your child to learn a little bit more about themselves, their feelings, and healthy ways to manage them. You, too. Our kids give us constant opportunities to get stronger within ourselves–and it really all begins with a PAUSE.

Alice
Author of “Parenting Inspired” and “PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection”
PCI Certified Parent Coach® and ScreamFree Certified Leader
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Part and Parcel of the Parenting Package

August 2, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

Part and Parcel of the Parenting Package:

...upon returning home from your much needed Time Away and looking forward and feeling ready to once again being the parent you love to be, your kids–maybe following that simply amazing initial hug and out-pouring of l-o-v-e–start whining and clinging and pushing-pushing-pushing until all YOU want is ANOTHER Time Away! Sigh…deep deep breath….

…you FINALLY are getting a decent nights sleep. You’ve worked ever so hard at creating a routine, at standing gentle and  firm in “you sleep in your own bed”, at resisting the first whimper at 2 a.m. until you are certain it is truly a need…and sleep is had. Until today. Illness or new teeth or an out-of-town guest or SOMETHING different and all that work at SLEEP? It vaporizes…

...heart wrenching moments. Tons of them. From watching your little one SCREAM and reach for you as you leave after dropping them at day-care, to the intensely hurt feelings as your child deals with truly unkind “friends” at school, to the emotional roller coaster your teen goes on sobbing one day and screaming at you the next, to those times when you just don’t KNOW where your newly driving teen IS. And they are late. Very, very late.

…heart WARMING moments. Tons of them. Those snuggles and shared eye-twinkles and belly laughing stories. Looking at your little one tucked into bed, sound asleep just like an angel :-). Being told by your teen your words and presence and hug meant a lot to them. When that little hand slips itself into yours…your lap is climbed into…your child flashes YOU the quick smile or trusts YOU with the sad feelings and tear-filled eyes…

…Confusion. Uncertainty. Frustration. YOURS. Not knowing if what you are doing is “right.” Wondering what to DO when your child does…fill in the blank :-). Feeling at your wits end with certain rather button-pushing and relentless behavior. Thinking you are totally ALONE in your troubles…(you aren’t, by the way. Lots of company in all of it…really!). Always feeling like you are running to catch up and yet you never really catch up for something new is always being thrown your way…

….RELIEF.  To find your child okay after something scary. To have the potential blow-up NOT blow up. To have the babysitter arrive…finally! To decide just to pour a bowl of cereal for dinner or let go of whatever activity or commitment there was and just stay home or finally FINALLY getting a chance to B-R-E-A-T-H-E. Or go to the bathroom by yourself :-).

…JOY. Overwhelming, heart filling, lift-you-to-the-moon JOY. The spontaneous hugs and “I love yous.” The success of a child’s persistence whether in a sport, a project, a class, an anything. Watching them persist, be determined, stick to something hard…and SUCCEED. Now that fills us with joy!  Or maybe it’s watching them side-by-side with a buddy, heads together, poring over something they both are enjoying, whispering, delighting together. JOY from “That’s MY child!” JOY because “Oh, that smile and giggle of theirs…” JOY due to meaningful time together–kicking your feet through fall leaves, strolling through the woods, reading endless books, holding each other during the Great Big Sad moments–yes, even that can bring JOY.

Part and Parcel of the Parenting Package.  Thank you to my friend and colleague Rhonda Moskowitz, for this quote…!

Ultimately?

ALL of these parts add up to be the rich and

meaningful relationships that make up our Parenting Package. One filled with deeply connected relationships.

 

Ultimately, living fully and living well.

 

Know that whatever you are in the midst of–whether heart-wrenching, joy-filled, or just plain FRUSTRATING–it is part and parcel of an amazing journey. In time you may even be able to come up for air and appreciate all parts of it…

Find Alice’s books here!

Maybe. Definitely in time. For now, know that you have plenty of company no matter “where” you are in your parenting journey. Plenty.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

©2018 Alice Hanscam

PAUSE. It Counts; It Connects.

July 25, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

Pausing isn’t just for heated moments. It isn’t just for when you are in the midst of a conflict.

Pausing can be a way of life that influences EVERY thing you do in life affirming and meaningful ways.

Here’s a story for you that I’m sure you can relate to…

Your hands are a-flying as you stand, or rather dance about, at the kitchen counter, packing lunches, cooking breakfast, hollering over you shoulder to remind the kids to “Get dressed!”, “Pack your bag!”, “Would someone please let the dog in?!!”  

Kids are tumbling around each other, “Hey! MOOOVE! MOM, make her STOP!”, “I can’t find my bag!”, “The dog already IS in!” Or maybe, as you toss directions and pleas over your shoulder there is a general silence or “Sure mom”‘s tossed back with no follow through for your child is plugged in to a show or video game or maybe even (hopefully?!) a good book, like my daughter often was.

You scramble to finish up, admonishing the kids for arguing, talking back, dragging their toes, losing their bag, ignoring you as they watched a show, played a game, read a book. You finally get everything together, kids included, and you all pile out the door and into the car, off to wherever you are heading–most likely late and exhausted, because really YOU had to do most of everything once again this morning. Including breaking up fights and going on bag hunts, and letting the dog BACK out and in once again.

Whew. You finally drop the kids off and feel like you can at least breathe again. Most days feel like this–GO GO GO, arguing and scrambling until you finally can stop. Briefly. When you have a moment to reflect, you WISH things could go smoother, your kids would cooperate and help out more often, these GO GO GO experiences were minimal rather than the norm. Oh if ONLY…

Enter PAUSE.   

It really can change things in amazing ways–both momentarily and in the long term. What exactly does a PAUSE look like at these times? What exactly can it DO? Let’s replay it a bit:

Your hands are a-flying as you stand, or rather dance about, at the kitchen counter, packing lunches, cooking breakfast, hollering over you shoulder to remind the kids to, “Get dressed!”, “Pack your bag!”, “Would someone please let the dog in?”

Kids are tumbling around each other, “Hey! MOOOVE! MOM, make her STOP!”, “I can’t find my bag!”, “The dog already IS in!” ….

Here is where a PAUSE can make a real difference.

Instead of continuing to scramble and holler over your

shoulder and solve issues yourself, you still your flying hands, lean on the kitchen counter, close your eyes, and BREATHE.

 

Breathe in deeply, breathe out. Three times in a row can make an incredible difference. And then you turn around and LOOK.

You notice just exactly what is going on, who is fighting, who is ignoring, whether the dog is in or out, bags being packed. Maybe you’ve practiced this kind of pausing often enough that you find your eyes have a bit of a twinkle going and a little smile playing on your lips. Maybe not. Either way, you take a moment to look and notice.

You notice how lost in a good book your child is or how her eyes are glued to a video game. You notice the frustration on one child’s face as she is trying ever so hard to get her sibling to stop poking and bugging her. You notice that the dog IS in and your son is looking at you as if you JUST don’t GET it–of COURSE he heard the dog and let him in!

It is from this place that you can more likely interact in such a way that your children feel a warm and understanding connection with you. And with that in place, they are more likely going to step up and participate in more positive ways. Because YOU are taking the moment to really look and notice. Why? Keep reading…

Maybe you…

…go to your child immersed in the video game and put your hand on their shoulder and say, “I can tell you are having fun. It is time to stop and get ready to leave.”

…sit next to your lost-in-a-good-book child and as he looks up at you you can actually smile and ask what part he’s reading right now. Then remind him that it is time to head out and you need his cooperation. (It can feel like a big ask of you when time is of essence, and yet…this bit of a pause next to your child? It really takes but seconds.)

…look at your frustrated son with dog already in and say, “I’m sorry! I thought I was the only one who heard the dog at the door! I’m so glad you did, too. Thank you.”

…find yourself going up to your arguing children and putting a hand on each of them, and give them a moment to spill it all out to you. Then maybe all you say is, “I know you don’t like to be poked; I know you find it funny to poke. Now it is time to head out. I really need your help in getting things together…”

MAYBE your kids still argue, push back, ignore. Maybe you’ll still find yourself doing the bulk of the work. But here’s the deal. The more you take the moment to PAUSE, look, notice, and connect? The sooner your children will step up, cooperate, be willing and involved in the GO GO GO preparations. Maybe you are thinking, HA as IF I have time to slow down even the tiny bit you are asking! And that is where the paradox can lie with a PAUSE. It seems to take a bit more time, and then you discover how much better you can feel–and end up doing so much more or perhaps being content with what you DO get done 🙂

The more you take the moment to PAUSE, the more

likely you will influence your children, yourself, your days in

calming, positive, productive ways. And THIS

makes parenting a bit easier…

 

Find PAUSE and all of Alice’s books here!

So now, when you DO have a GO GO GO that just feels crummy all over again? It will be few and far between. Tip the balance today and weave a PAUSE into your full-speed-ahead mode. I know you will discover a kind of difference to your day that can leave you smiling!

With JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2019 Alice Hanscam

One Papa’s “Alice PAUSE”

July 18, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

A Papa shared this story with me of recent. It warmed my heart and delighted me–because he discovered how powerful a *simple* PAUSE can be. Here is his story:

 

“I want to share with you a moment of PAUSE:

My wife and our two boys (a toddler and soon-to-be-five-year-old) are just outside our kitchen with bedtime well past due–but everyone seems to still be doing well enough 🙂

I’m in the fridge and cleaning something spilled long ago–oh those sticky messes we can ignore for far too long! I had noted the half filled cup of milk on the top shelf, but alas–I still managed to make it topple from the shelf where it tipped and poured what quickly seemed much more than just half a glass…   

With a groan of dismay and the look-about for where to start in order to clean up this new mess, Mr. Nearly Five says, “Well you just wasted that milk.”

Tired after an eventful day, eager to be in bed myself, yet further away from that goal with this new found delay…I found all my self frustration was immediately misplaced and focused on Mr. Nearly Five.  I was about to send him to his room with a finger already pointing at him when a PAUSE let me realize how misplaced that frustration was and allowed me to verbalize (finger now merely bobbing) “That was not a very nice thing to say…”

My wife finished the into-bed-shuffle and I got to think (while cleaning up my mess) on what my son had said and why it was so bothersome. I recognized he was using words both my wife and I have used when indeed the kids have been wasteful or things carelessly spilled. It was very nice to get to think on The What of what just happened rather than dwell on The How it played out–all because of my PAUSE.

Best of it all was being able to go say goodnight and talk over The What that happened with my Mr. Nearly Five Year Old who said he thought I did “a good job using my words” to tell him how I was feeling. He seemed to understand the difference between explaining that something is wasteful and recognizing when accidents happen–and how it’s better to ask if help is needed.

 

It was a proud parenting moment and in talking with my wife about it, the only word I had to describe it was ‘pause,’ Alice’s PAUSE.”  (A Proud Papa)

Here’s what I want this Papa to know:

What a wonderful, meaningful story–thank you for taking time to share with me ❤. PAUSE at its very best, for instead of a relationship-depleting moment, it became ever-so-relationship BUILDING. Both you and your son had an opportunity to grow just a little bit more and in such a respectful way–all due to a PAUSE that gives time for listening and learning. For BOTH of you.

Today, I encourage each of you to discover what works to create a PAUSE as you feel your buttons pushed, the heat rising, the finger pointing and you ready to scold, blame, holler.

Know that all my work centers around this life-skill–be encouraged as you peruse my work, take a look at my books, find yourself recognizing when YOU exercise your PAUSE muscle just a bit more. What we focus on grows 🙂

Find Alice’s books here!

With JOY and appreciation to this Papa and all of you,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2019 Alice Hanscam

 

 

A Story of Boys and their Wiggles…

June 19, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, School and education, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

A story of wiggles for you…

A 6.5-year-old little boy. A favorite babysitter who picked him up from school EARLY so they could have an afternoon together before she went back to college. Lucky boy. Lucky babysitter!

And then the wiggles.

You know, the perpetual motion, jumping, kicking, “look at the karate I can do” as this terrific 6.5-year-old thrust out his arms, kicked his legs, and found himself on the other end of the room to turn around and thrust and kick and “do karate!” all over again. Then the mini-tramp and great big poof chair and the jumping, diving, plopping, rolling that they seem to invite. Even as invitations to make chocolate and banana pancakes were extended the wiggles took over.

Sound familiar? Maybe you even wonder if your child can even SIT still for any moment at all. Or maybe you hear from your child’s teacher how your child “needs to learn to sit still and listen better” or to “keep their hands and feet to themselves” or “he just needs to focus better…”

Back to my story. This little guy? After an hour of perpetual motion (including inhaling his banana/chocolate pancakes), of being given the respect and space and time for getting all his wiggles out, of focusing ON HIS WIGGLES (there’s that attention span–his focus was on movement, at length and with great intensity), he was offered up a maze book to read with his favorite babysitter and for the next 30 minutes there they were, stretched out on the floor, totally engrossed in mazes and stories, the only wiggles now being expressed by his toes as the two of them traced their fingers, laughed, studied their books.

And then downstairs they went to get lost in Lego building. The quiet, the focus, the creations. Again, focus, “sitting still,” conversation shared and delighted in. Together.

Why am I sharing this?

Because so many parents of young boys share their frustrations of the seeming inability of their little guys to focus, sit, listen.

They feel pressure from school to “get their kids to do so.” Teachers have greater pressure all the time to “get kids to sit still” so they can do their work. I’m not going to delve into the frustrations of all as we push academics down into younger years, but I do want to take a look at the wiggles…

I want to encourage each of you to look at the perpetual motion AS focused attention. Your child is putting all their attention on the movement they need the most.

 

This is to be appreciated and encouraged and given the opportunity it needs.

And I want to encourage each of you to look for those times your child DOES “sit still” and listen, focus on a quieter or more involved activity, get immersed in intricate Lego building or books or drawing or play dough or scissors or lining up cars or…

Look for it. Notice when this kind of “sitting still” happens–what precedes it, what your involvement is (if any), what captures your child’s attention the most.

My wiggle story? It is all about how essential movement is in order to foster the “sitting still and listening” many of us want more of. 

And to acknowledge it AS focused attention can perhaps change how we view it. Instead of seeing it as displacing focused attention, we can now embrace it as nurturing focused attention.

Today, look to where your child involves him or herself fully. Whether it is movement or books or building or listening or testing you over and over and over (focused on getting YOUR attention!).  Notice and appreciate the focus that whatever they are doing requires. Affirm it out loud when appropriate. Pay attention to what works to then move into the quieter focused activities.

Give your child lots of practice at and time with both–movement and stillness (and screen time does not count–it more often undermines the ability to sit and listen at length, truly. That’s another post to write!). Even if the “sitting still and listening” lasts just a few minutes, notice and affirm. What we focus on grows.

Find all of Alice’s books here!

Back to the babysitter and 6.5-year-old. They said their good-byes to each other. Hugs and karate chops and promises of amazing pictures to be mailed back and forth. This parting of ways has gone on for 4 years…it is with incredible joy that I get to watch their relationship flourish. And to watch our 6.5-year-old friend grow himself in such wonderfully delightful ways!

Celebrate the wiggles today! And enjoy another wiggles post here: https://www.justaskalice.org/2018/05/21/noticed-and-appreciated-wiggles-and-giggles/
Alice

Author and PCI Certified Parent Coach®

©2018 Alice Hanscam

Can I Have a Do-Over?!

June 13, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

“Oh, if only I could have a ‘do-over!'”

Can I rewind and take back those hurtful words that came flying out of my mouth as you dug your heels in and used THAT tone of voice with me? Oh how I wish I could!

Can I rewind and try something different that won’t have you ending up in a puddle of a meltdown in the middle of…(fill in the blank)? Being embarrassed is NO fun, and watching you struggle so leaves me feeling so sad…

Can we please start over with our family adventure so we can choose differently and not end up angry and tense and upset with each other? It all just feels crummy and that is not how I want our family time to be.

How often do you wish for a ‘do-over?’ Weekly? Daily? Hourly?! I remember sending my girls off to school after a Less-Than-Fun-Morning, then feeling guilty all day long…

It is easy to feel the guilt…to hit ourselves over the head over and over again as we re-live the yuck we allowed to happen, telling ourselves the “I shoulds, if onlys, I’m an awful parent.”

What would it be like to know these ‘do-overs’ you wish for can become a truly productive and ultimately wonderful launching place for just what you want more of–relationship building, truly win-win, even joyful experiences?

 

Give yourself the gift and grace of PAUSE–even if it is after the blow-up, and especially when you have finally calmed down. PAUSE, think through what could have been different if you had felt calm–or at least ‘acted-as-if’ you felt calm. What might you have done or said differently? How might the experience have looked with your calm in place?

When I can create this PAUSE, I find I can see more clearly what I could have said to my child (and have to stop myself from falling into that guilty place of why I DIDN’T say these things!).

I can see more clearly how I could have been more able to listen and hear what she had to say.  My child could then feel respected and cared for because I listened…what a difference that could make!

I feel I could slow myself down and pay closer attention to what she is really trying to say. And maybe, just maybe the situation would not have blown. 

Take time to think about how feeling calmer and more at ease in your Do-Over would have changed things.  Then take a moment to recognize where you HAVE been even a little bit successful with doing so. Because you HAVE. Plenty of times. They just go unnoticed by you because, well, everything went smoothly!

The more we affirm ourselves, look to where

we have felt better about our own behavior, the more

encouraged we can feel.

 

Key for shelving the guilt and relating from a productive and healthy place.

  The cool thing? Each time you walk yourself through a mental do-over you are strengthening the muscles necessary for doing it this way in real time. Really. Those do-overs…mistakes…”I wish-should have-maybe next times” all become key practice in strengthening just what you want more of.

They are a gift rather than a failure.

Let go of the guilt as best you can. I like to “shelve” my guilty feelings up high in my mind’s eye and tell them to stay put until I’m ready to deal with them 🙂 and do your best to welcome each opportunity as the gift it is–a chance to grow, become better, deposit into your relationships, feel confident in your parenting.

Practice. That is what parenting is all about. A constant practice.

Find PAUSE and all of Alice’s books here!

There will come a time when you will have fewer and fewer ‘do-overs’ to think through–you CAN feel calm, connected, and confident on a regular basis. Life will feel better. YOU will feel better and your children and relationships will benefit greatly. This is the power of PAUSE. And when things do head south–for they will—you will feel steadier, clearer, better.

And the guilt? It gets rather dusty from lack of attention… 🙂

How cool is that?
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2016 Alice Hanscam

One Mom’s Real and Positive CHANGE

April 7, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Self-care, Story Time! Comment

A story for you!

Mom, fourteen-year-old daughter, eleven-year-old son. Reactive household. Lots of yelling, talking back, frustration, ignoring.

A daughter who began to hide things—her texts, her new found boyfriend, her self.

A mom who was clear she wanted to help her daughter be safe, choose with care, make healthy decisions. A mom who realized what could lie up ahead if she and her kids continued on this road of reactivity, of feeling lousy, of anything but relationship building experiences and interactions.

A mom who sought support via parent coaching...

She decided to start focusing on herself first and foremost…

Mom began to worry less about what her daughter chose to do and focused more on what she (mom) decided to do.

Mom began depositing into her Self Care Savings Account.

She learned about and focused on her PAUSE muscle.

She spent time reflecting on just the kind of adults she intended to grow…on just what kind of relationships she really wanted…on how she would like to feel.

Mom actively grew her calm(er) self and began to listen.

To stay quiet, initially. To express clearly her hopes for her children. To be clear on expectations without it becoming a yelling match. At least, only a one-sided yelling match, for she had decided to no longer yell…but what her kids decided–that was up to them 🙂 .

Mom found herself asking more questions rather than dictating what she thought the answers should be. She discovered she COULD sit through some big emotional times with her young teen and maintain the calm her daughter needed the most from her.

Her daughter began to flourish.

She began to respond well to her mother’s ability to gently intervene, rather than yell, nag, threaten. She began to trust what her mom said she meant and would do. This fourteen year old started to share more openly with her mother. To seek her out as a resource as things escalated with a boyfriend who stepped up his demands…his stalking via texts…the drama of first love relationships…the drama of friendships, period.

Her daughter felt empowered as her mom asked questions rather than told her what to do. She started, on her own, to choose better friends, healthier relationships, to stand up for her self. Mom and daughter began to laugh and talk and enjoy each other more and more often…and family life calmed down.

Fast forward three years. This mom?

She shared with me just how connected, joyful, respectful her relationships with her children have become.

Just what she envisioned three years ago when she initially sought support. She shared how her daughter told her she is someone she trusts, that she can count on mom to listen and often wait before mom intervenes in a situation. Her daughter shared with her how she sees her mother as a resource she can and does and wants to turn to. Cool, hmmm?

This daughter? She is about to fly. College is right around the corner. She is ready–feeling capable, competent, respected, trusted.

This mom? She is ready, too. She now knows, without a doubt, her relationship with this young adult is exactly how she intended it to be.

And the family? Oh the adventures they enjoy together! What a gift to both children to have a parent wanting and willing to grow themselves in order to become the kind of parent they intend to be. What a gift to the children to have a parent actively pausing, considering, living the respect and trust she wants to see; doing whatever she can to calm her own anxieties and worries enough that they no longer lead the way throughout the day; actively focusing on self-care–the foundation for parenting and living well.

What a gift to her children and to herself, all this work at growing has been.

I wanted to share so you can feel a bit more empowered today to pull your focus first to yourself, to trust the process growth and relationships are, to know–really KNOW–that the work you put in right now to parent with calm connection, to parent well, pays off.

Find Alice’s books here!

It is worth the journey no

matter how many years, for it is about relationships. And it is our relationships that count the most.

 

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author of “Parenting Inspired” and “PAUSE”
PCI Certified Parent Coach® and ScreamFree Certified Leader
©2016 Alice Hanscam

Rocky Relationships…

December 27, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

A story of contrast for you.

A national park. Steep cliffs. Overlooks accessible to anyone, with signs indicating extreme care to be taken because of the drop-offs.

A mom and a six-year-old. Let’s call her Susannah. Mom and daughter cruising around on the rocks, mom taking photos, as were all who were absorbing the incredible beauty.

Susannah, being six and curious and unable to keep her dancing feet still, bounced all over the rocky overlook. Very near the steep drop-offs. VERY near.  Mom, still taking photos, calling over her shoulder, “Susannah come here. Susannah, not so close! Susannah, I want you next to me. Come here right now. Susannah, one, two, three…listen to me!”

Susannah? “I’m just stopping right here, mom! I want to go over there. Mom! Can you see me? Mom! Look at me!!”

Mom, still taking photos and calling over her shoulder for her daughter to stay closer to her–all to no avail and all to increasing concern to those others also enjoying the over look. Mom’s anxiety increased, her frustrations communicated, her anger felt…and her words continue to fly over her shoulder with no follow-through other than more words. Her daughter totally and completely ignored her words and kept vying for her attention.

(Yes, ultimately all ended well, with the child safe and sound).

Fast forward 20-minutes and to another beautiful overlook with steep cliffs and drop-offs. A father with a three-year-old sitting together out on one of the outcrops–not entirely near the edge, but still rather edgy .  As he said, his wife didn’t like where they were sitting…(dads just seem to do it differently…)  

Father: “See out over there? All those canyons? Water carved them. Lots and lots of water whooshed through all this rock a really long time ago and left it carved just like this.”

Three-year-old: “Daddy, I can see the WHOLE world from here!”

Daddy had his three-year-old sitting on his lap with his arms snug around her when I approached and offered to take a photo of them together, with the backdrop the intensely beautiful and deep canyons all around. He accepted, and then the two moved off their rock and offered to do the same for my husband and me.

But first, here is what he said to his preschooler:

“Honey, I need you to go up to those rocks there and sit still while I take a photo.”  He watched calmly as his little one headed right over to the safe rocks to sit. “Can you look with just your eyes for a little brown lizard who might come visit while you sit still?”  Eyes got BIG and his three-year-old froze on the rocks, with just her eyes moving…

A photo of my husband and me was taken, a little girl sat tight in a safe place, and daddy and she, following his thank you to her for listening and being safe, skipped hand-in-hand up the trail to their parked car.

A story of contrast.

The mom in my first story was truly letting her anxiety over wanting desperately to control Susannah without having to actually control Susannah become a very serious safety issue. Because of mom’s anxiety–as seen both by her “checking out” as she continued to focus on her camera rather than following through with her words and going to her daughter to hold her hand and keep her close–Susannah really didn’t know where she stood in the scheme of things.  Mom was saying one thing and doing something entirely different.

Susannah was trying hard to get mom to

connect with her and mom was trying hard to have Susannah mind without having to do the work it requires. Ultimately, there was a complete DIS-connect.

 

I get this–the desire to have our children under control without doing the hard work of actually controlling them. It’s hard, this  guiding them in a gently firm way to help them learn that in some places hands just need to be held, and bodies aren’t allowed to go just anywhere. I get how hard it is. It requires a commitment from us that oftentimes can be exhausting.  Interruptive, even, as we try to do things that perhaps WE want to do.

I also know I was seeing a relationship that probably was rocky without the current rocks they were on.

I heard the nag factor. I heard the bribing. I heard the anxiety and fear and frustration and anger. I heard the desire for connection and attention and I saw the testing that emerged as a result of a lack of connection and attention.

And I saw how, when we try so hard to make our kids NOT do something, we actually increase the likelihood they will do it. Hence a 6-year-old dancing near the edge of a VERY steep drop-off.

Dad in the second story demonstrated exactly the

kind of relating that has a child listening, exhibiting self-control, learning–all because dad was calm, clear, and gently firm.

 

He knew clearly the extent he could trust his little one. He focused on calm connection. He LIVED calm connection. He spoke with quiet confidence with his daughter; he asked of her just what he knew he could expect from her. AND he kept a close and watchful eye.

His daughter? She could trust him. She could count on what he said he meant and would do. She heard his confidence in HER that he had and she wanted very much to be that capable little one he knew she could be. He never told her what NOT to do and instead told her exactly what she COULD do. And she did.

What a tribute to the

power of calm connection,

of being clear and confident

in what you do.

 

Or at least working towards clarity and confidence!  And what a way to have me wanting even more to support, encourage, and empower each of you so you can experience more confidence, connection, cooperation and JOY in your parenting journey.

What a difference. I keep thinking about this and about how I hope Susannah’s mom finds the support and encouragement she needs in order to calm her anxiety down and feel more confident as a parent before a real crisis occurs. If I could have, I would have stepped in and offered something–perhaps my appreciation for how she was feeling, my understanding of how scary it is to see your child so near to danger. It wasn’t the time or place. And the Ranger was there, Susannah ultimately was safe.

And yet, I continue to think about this mom and her daughter, mom feeling what could only be a growing discontent in how her relationship with her daughter was unfolding.

Today, I encourage you to work hard at pausing. At acting-as-if you are calm and confident if you don’t actually feel it yet.

Recall times you have felt this way for what we focus on grows. Put your attention to letting calm connection lead the way–it is powerful. So much real learning and relationship-building things can unfold as a result!  Work at it just a little bit harder today, right now, or maybe tonight when you have the support of your spouse or partner or the comfort of being home rather than out in public. Do what YOU can to slow down enough to PAUSE, settle a bit, and then respond to your button-pushing child.

No matter when you practice leading with calm connection,

know what a relationship-building difference it can make.

 

Find all of Alice’s books here!

And know that, as you practice a PAUSE and pay attention to the calm you CAN feel, it will get easier bit by bit. What a gift to you, your child, to ALL of your relationships.

Thinking of all of you today as you strive to parent well!

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

©2017  Alice Hanscam

Control. Obedience. Compliance. HELP!

December 26, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Control. Obedience. Compliance. “Do as I say, NOW.” “You better, or else…” “I’ve got to make them behave!” “If you don’t stop NOW, I’m going to lose it…!”

Sound even remotely familiar? Feeling in control of…well…just about anything in our lives leaves us feeling better, more relaxed, confident. And so often we exert this control on our child and focus on making them behave a certain way so we CAN feel better, more relaxed, confident.

But a funny thing happens…

…at some point the harder we work at “making them behave” the more they push back. Resist. Fight us. Spiral up and up and up. Things fall apart, can get pretty yucky, and we might work even harder at “making them behave” so we can feel in control or we might throw up our hands and throw in the towel…

Either way, we feel far from better. And our relationship feels pretty crummy.

So what if, instead of working oh-so-hard to control another, we instead PAUSE and focus on ourselves, first? Figure out a way to take a deep breath and calm down a bit? Think about how WE want to feel, rather than how we need THEM to feel?  Consider how to feel and behave (perhaps act-as-if?) no matter how the other decides to?

You know, be in control of ourselves? DECIDE to feel calm, confident, relaxed no matter how another chooses to be?

 

When we can take responsibility first for ourselves, get clear on what we intend and hope for, and then interact from this place of clarity and certainty and hopefully way more calmly, we are much more likely to influence our child in such a way THEY choose, on their own, to make more productive decisions, behave in a more positive way, grow and learn in the direction we hope for the most. Really.

Think about all the times things have gone well, productively, moved forward without everyone losing it–or at least a time YOU didn’t lose it. Consider how you were feeling. What you were doing–take note. It’s important. And it is this, as you pay attention to what works and has worked for you, that will grow and encourage and help you create the real and positive change you want.

Influence. Guidance. What a powerful way to build relationships. Control ourselves, first. Get clear about all we intend and act accordingly–from the inside out. It is rather hopeless, if you think about it, to constantly be trying to control another. Maybe it works now and again AND it will inevitably blow. And usually when you want it the least. Because really, the other person? Your child, perhaps? They can always say NO. And they do. Quite often!

What can we truly control? Ourselves. Today as things spiral up, get reactive, or you find yourself beginning to pull your hair out over the lack of compliance and obedience, use this as your reminder to PAUSE.

Breathe deeply. Find a semblance of calm inside you. Think about just what it is you want the most in the situation–what you want your child to learn.  Now step back in and respond to their antics based on what you want the most. It’s hard. And PAUSE is the key.

What a way to build relationships.

What a way to say, “You can count on me to keep it together no matter how you feel.”  What a way to say, “Your feelings, ideas, and choices matter.”  What a way to say “No matter what, you can count on me to be here with you.”  What a way to realize and celebrate and embrace GROWTH.  

Find Alice’s books here!

Influence. Guidance. Respect for the process of growth. Now how does your relationship feel?Oh so much much better. Healthier. Real. Meaningful. Filled with trust and respect. Strong, from the inside out.

And yes, still filled with angst. But angst that, instead of relationship-depleting, becomes the trusted platform for all things growth. And growth is good. Always. Even when it is painful.

Exercise your PAUSE muscle today. And trust yourself.

With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach

©2018 Alice Hanscam

We Need to KNOW and Say NO

November 7, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

What would YOUR relationship with your child feel like if…

…they were regularly falling apart, melting down, having tantrums over, well, just about anything? No matter how calm, consistent, patient you were?

…their struggles in school escalated. Understanding math was real work. Reading was something they always needed help with. Writing–both the physical act and the creative–was near on impossible?

…they found it difficult to make friends, were teased and bullied often, maybe WERE the bully, themselves, or just refused to interact much with anybody? 

…they were increasingly physically challenged, overweight, uncoordinated–noticeably so and to the point you enrolled them in whatever activity you could with them constantly melting down about it all?

…many of your attempts to engage your child, connect with them, truly enjoy them were resisted, ignored, or just not even recognized?

I think you’d feel frustrated, anxious, worried–deeply worried. I think you’d feel angry, resentful, exhausted. And I think, if this kind of behavior was increasingly the norm, your anxiety would be over-the-top.

How would your CHILD feel if…

…they often fell apart, melted down, had tantrums over, well, just about ANY thing? That their “norm” was always REACTIVE?

…they felt like a failure in school. That everything about math, reading, writing was just HARD?

…they were teased and bullied, ignored, alone. Or if they could only “make” friends by being the bully?

…they KNEW they were physically challenged, overweight, and uncoordinated–mostly because all the kids around them told them so?

…they couldn’t feel the connection and engagement you were trying ever so hard to have? That it just wasn’t “there” for them?

I think they’d feel at a total loss in life. Adrift. Confused. Unhappy. Angry. Depressed. A real lack of self-confidence. All of it.   

And I KNOW–with no dancing around it any more–that what are now being called Sensory Deprivation Devices (aka Digital Devices) are becoming the greater and greater cause for the failure of truly healthy and optimal development for our children.

Stay with me, here. All of the relationship challenges I shared at the start? All are increasingly felt and experienced by parents, teachers, and children alike.

Something we know as a fact is how young children learn best–with their whole body, all their senses, within a secure and connected relationship with us.

Learning with their whole body makes them active learners, imposing their ideas, imagination, actions on the world around them. And it grows a brain that is incredibly rich in all the necessary neural pathways for all learning.

Enter in a digital device. Of which is an integral part of many children’s lives now. All the “learning” from a digital device? For young children there is little to no real learning.  All that IS learned is that they are no longer active learners, imposing their imaginative ideas and actions on the world around them.

Instead, they become passive.

They sit (or wiggle or get antsy while all the while UN-able to disconnect) and stare at the screen. Maybe poke and swipe and tap and giggle, as they see they can make things happen. But those things? They really mean nothing, for our young children do not have the brain development to understand these symbols on a screen represent anything in real life.  And by continuing on with so much screen use, they cannot develop the necessary and deeper understanding of and around these symbols. 

Yes, they can recognize numbers and letters–makes us feel quite proud that they can! And yet, by continuing on with “learning” this way, we are actually displacing the ability to truly LEARN at the deeper, important level that grows our children well.

Think about this. When you think of a ball, for instance, maybe you think of a certain kind of ball because of your experience with balls. Maybe you can imagine holding one, bouncing one, rolling one. You can sense the weight as you consider a basketball or a bowling ball. You even have a memory of how one smells, often. You think about the catch game, the bowling game, the loud thunk of the volleyball on your arm and how it stung. 

Talk about rich and meaningful and ESSENTIAL.

When you now see the symbol of a ball on a screen, all your hands-on experiences allow you to truly enjoy, relate to, understand that ball on the screen. Now take your child’s experience with the screen version–our child sitting on an app “playing” ball. NONE of what you know about balls is being learned.  And now, because they are on a screen, the time they could be playing with a real ball has just been displaced. Again. Now they take their passive, one-dimensional “experience” with a ball and it becomes the filter by which they see and experience balls in the three-dimensional world. Very limiting. Especially when it comes to brain health.

This is extremely detrimental to your child’s healthy and optimal growth. And it has become the norm. We have bought into screens and all things digital as an essential part of our child’s life and, hence, development.

Consider brain development.

Between birth and age 3 the brain grows to 80% of its final adult size. 90% by age 5. And all that growing? It is about neural pathways being developed. What grows these neural pathways?Hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship based, whole body experiences. In front of a screen? It is a fairly limited landscape, the brain. How scary is that? We see the results as our kids move through school…life…and they struggle. More and more. And it’s becoming “normal” to many, all this struggle. The cumulative effects of all this screen time is being seen–in schools, in homes, within relationships.

What CAN we do?

Oh it really is so very simple. It may take some adjustment for those who are immersed in digital devices, and yet it really is still simple.

PLAY. A child’s most important work is play.

Really, this is what it comes down to for young children–and I will include kids well into elementary school for this. PLAY. REAL play. Play that is non-adult directed. Play with open-ended items rather than commercialized figures–you know, all those toys that represent something someone else made up, and what someone else determined what to do with them.

Play with balls, blocks, Lego. Play with paper and crayons and markers. Play with play-dough and popsicle sticks. Play with dirt and water and rocks and moss and leaves. Play with books books books. Play with blankets and boxes and daddy’s big boots. Play outdoors, under tables, with flashlights. 

PLAY that allows them to process feelings, upsetting experiences, changes in their lives. It is through play that kids learn to understand and manage LIFE. As we increasingly take it away, they are left adrift. unable to manage themselves in so many ways. Hence so many troubles increasing for our children, and for us.

PLAY IS the way children grow best. And it is being taken away. As time with devices accumulates:

Children struggle with learning. With math and numbers and quantities and spatial concepts. They struggle with comprehending stories, words, lessons. They have a hard time imagining and creating pictures in their mind as they listen.

Children struggle connecting with others–building friendships, being a friend, negotiating, problem solving.

Children struggle with feelings–they just don’t have the inner resilience as things disappoint or fail and they melt down. Tantrum. Fall apart. Act out and hurt another or themselves.

Children struggle with weight, physical well-being, coordination.  How can they truly know how their body works in space when they’ve spent so much time on a screen? Talk to high school coaches for their take on this one…

Children struggle with relating to US. To parents. We begin to lose them. Ask parents of teenagers.

I ask each and every one of you to PAUSE and truly consider the real and life-changing deprivation caused by over-use or inappropriate use of digital devices.

To think about just how and why apps are advertised as something that will “spark your child’s imagination!” or “grow their math skills!”. Consider the marketing and who is doing the marketing. Think about how you really hope to “see” your child as they head off into the world as an adult. Consider what kind of relationships you intend and thoroughly relish. Consider your child’s ability to think, reflect, imagine, create, problem solve, focus, persevere, connect, feel strong from the inside out.

Mostly, consider what YOU can do differently to be sure your child is being enriched by plenty of hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship based, whole body PLAY. Take steps to keep all device time minimal or if you feel already lost to all of it and want to know WHAT to do, start with giving your child time to squish play-dough at the dining room table. Alongside you, initially, if they need practice at playing. Or coloring. Or just reading books. Stick with it, as you create a bit of change in your house-hold. Trust your child to want to play. It is their work, it is what they are wired to do. Give them the space, time, and environment in which they can and watch the magic begin.

That’s all. Start there. Keep incorporating more time for PLAY and less–WAY less–time for devices.

In time you will notice things to feel better–for you and your child. You will notice they manage themselves a bit better, feel more encouraged in school, want to connect with you, have friends over, know themselves better, eat and sleep better, everything. It really does change for the better–the MUCH better–as you intentionally make regular time to step away from all those Sensory Deprivation Devices.

Find Alice’s books here!

It is essential we do so. Our children need us to KNOW what’s healthy and good and say NO to all things screens…and YES to being Tech Intentional in all we do.

Take steps today to help your child thrive. Need more? Check out the Screen Time Network. Full of community, resources, research–so much that can help you feel confident in bringing digital wellness into your family. Check out Dr. Nancy Carlsson-Paige‘s video on Technology and Young Children, and her guide for parents, as well.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2018 Alice Hanscam