Just Ask Alice

We feel like it is OUR job to…

…Get our kids to fall asleep…stay asleep…just SLEEP. 

…Eat what and when we serve them–I remember so well the “Clean your plate!” admonishments in our family…and many others, as well. “No dessert until…!” Or how about, “Lunch is in two hours. You’ll just have to wait…”

…Make sure they are a good friend…or have friends….or just make friends.

…Keep them from feeling sad, left out, hurt. Or STOP them from getting oh-so-MAD.

…Do whatever it takes to make sure they DON’T feel sad, left out, hurt–or…do whatever it takes to make them happy once again. And definitely STOP them from getting oh-so-MAD. Mostly because we can’t handle it.

…Make sure they do their homework…get their homework “right”…remember to turn IN their homework–especially the homework YOU worked so hard on getting them to finish or just went ahead and did for them.

On and on we go…

And we get more and more frustrated, stressed, reactive, heartbroken along the way…because our kids? They know, intuitively, that how they choose to think, feel, and behave is really THEIR job. Yet when we make it ours, they no longer have to take responsibility for sleeping, eating, being a good friend, feeling happy-sad-mad-successful…for they can count on us to continue to poke, prod, nag, bribe, yell, remind, do for them all these things we feel it is our job to do in order for our kids to grow well.

And now we have children who are less likely to feel competent, capable, confident in their abilities. Children who have no idea how to manage feelings. Children who rebel, comply, struggle more than necessary and for longer periods of time.

Consider this–what if you were to focus instead on growing capable, competent, confident-in-their-abilities children and put your efforts toward creating an environment conducive to your child taking charge of the sleep, eating, friendships, homework, upset feelings? Now how might that look? Perhaps:

For sleep…a calming routine for all ages that evolves with age.

Things like:

Gentle rocking for your baby as they work themselves to settle or respect for them to fuss themselves to sleep on their own in their crib. Or rubbing their back or saying to them, “I know you can let sleep come. I’ll be back in 5 minutes to check on you.” And then you keep your promise.

Perhaps stories and songs and snuggles or a bath followed by a snack followed by stories and a back rub. And patience galore when it seems like you have to start all over again with stories, songs, backrub…

Maybe your company quietly lying next to them. Probably a quieter environment with special guys or blankies or other sleep buddies (and NO screens). And again, your patience 🙂

Maybe acceptance for flashlights and late-night-under-the-covers reading with our older kids. Or taking OURSELVES off to bed after saying a good-night to your still awake child, communicating your confidence that they can take charge of their own sleep needs.

Letting go of all of this sleep happening in OUR time frame and respecting our child’s work at this oftentimes tough transition. That’s the tough part. Helping them to “let sleep come” can be a lengthy process…

For eating…providing healthy foods, regular mealtimes, enjoyable and connected mealtimes where:

Conversation is had and full presence is in place. Creativity called upon as yet again the answers to your inquiries are filled with, “I dunno.” “Maybe.” “Uh uh.” 🙂

ALL digital devices off the table, silenced, put away. Absolutely.

Respect is given for a child feeling full or feeling hungry. “You’re done? Great! Please take your plate to the counter.” “You’re hungry? Dinner is in an hour. Would carrots and some cheese help you wait?”

Most especially mealtimes that are focused on being together and sharing stories…now you are more likely positively influencing your child to eat well, healthily, and tuned in to their own body’s needs.

For friendships…role modeling the kindness, respect and FUN people can have together.

Such as:

Providing lots of opportunity to play freely and at length. Outdoors whenever possible! Little to no adult supervision–at least, obvious adult supervision…:-)

Inviting the single friend over for your quiet child, multiples for your extrovert. Choosing a friend to join the family adventure or welcoming in the neighborhood kids to roar around the yard.

Sitting alongside your child as they experience the inevitable hurt feelings–role modeling again the kindness and compassion you hope to see them exhibit towards others. Oh how this tugs on heartstrings! Take care of YOU, as well.

Making sure the kinds of toys you provide are easy for your toddler and preschooler to “share”–blocks, Lego, markers, playdough, books. Or just head OUT side and you’ll find way less conflict to occur!

Stepping up family time when your elementary child is on the receiving end of unkind remarks, of not being invited to birthday parties, is left out of play on the playground–step up family time, do more together, let your child experience positive and kind and fun with YOU until they are ready to reach out once again to another. What a way to respect their struggle without communicating that you have to fix it for them–and instead communicating your confidence in their ability to move through it well.

For homework…creating a comfortable, un-distracted time each day for doing homework, perhaps snack included…

Ideas include:

Making it a time of connection and presence. Maybe by sitting with your child, or busily working nearby. I often got kitchen work done while my girls sat nearby doing their homework. Kept me tuned in and available if they needed help.

Asking your child questions rather than telling them what to do. “Tough one, hmmm? What have you tried so far?” “What would happen if you tried adding, first, then doing the other part of the problem?”

Trusting their ability to learn rather than “making sure they do.” Now they can call learning their own. THIS empowers.

Having a routine in place each evening or morning that makes it easier for them to remember to gather all their work together–and letting go of whether they remember or not. Now they can own the result of this choice when they get to school and realize they’ve forgotten their work…

For all those uncomfortable feelings…the ones we’d like our children never to experience for it hurts us so much…

Try things such as:

Creating a space they can feel safe in, loved in, heard in. Physical or emotional one. My girls and I would snuggle on our big poof chair (think beanbag filled with foam). We’d squish in together, sit side by side, and feelings would pour out. A young boy I know feels best in his room. He can get out all kinds of MAD there and know it is okay. 

Being the calm and connected parent alongside them in their great big sad, affirming, maybe asking questions but mostly listening. And rubbing backs, sometimes. Hugs welcomed often.

Exploring with them how something feels, what they think another felt, what could help in these situations. Exploring rather than making. Letting go of “solving the problem” and instead be curious and explore. That’s all.

What does all this require from us?

Patience. Trust in our children and the process growth is. Calm confidence in just what we intend to grow. Understanding and knowledge of child development. Support. The ability to PAUSE and calm ourselves. Our OWN growth. Self-care so we can be all these things.

It requires us managing our own feelings–especially our anxiety. Taking care of our anxiety so it doesn’t lead the way and have us “making our kids” rather than guiding and influencing our kids. Now that’s relationship building! Taking care of our anxiety so our kids can, too. Taking care of our anxiety so we can relax, trust our child’s growth process, focus on how capable and competent they can be, and let go of having it OUR way so they can find THEIR way.

Now our children have the opportunity to grow as capable,

competent, confident souls for they can take responsibility for themselves, be in charge of what they think, feel, and do, know more clearly from the inside out what they are all about.

 

Today…PAUSE. Focus on yourself in whatever situation you find yourself trying to “make your kids” do something. Tap into your calm, confident self. Know that you can create the environment that is going to support your child’s growth as one amazing individual. Let this communicate your confidence in your child’s growing abilities–what an empowering message to a child when a parent exhibits trust and confidence in them–especially as their child struggles.

Respect the process growth is.

Here’s to you today,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2019 Alice Hanscam