I AM amazing. Just like you said about me last night. I heard you and it made my feet seem to march just a bit faster and my knees go a bit higher. Look at all I can do!
I can ring the doorbell and know you will answer, wondering “Who’s coming to MY door???” And I KNOW you will smile at me and invite me in and then when I march right back outside and shut the door, I KNOW you will wait ’til I ring once again and start all over!
I can climb up into my seat at the table–all by myself–-and KNOW that you will stand near, ask me if I want help, and hear my “I can do it all by myself!” and then let me.
I can play my games all by myself and KNOW that you are there, nearby, waiting ’til I invite you to join me. I like that, you know. I like that you let me get lost in all my own stories and then join in when I’m ready for you to.
I can wait. At least, more and more often. It’s hard, you know, waiting. You tell me how patient I am and it helps me try harder when really I don’t WANT to be patient and wait. But I can count on you. I can count on you to always finish the big important stuff YOU do and then come join ME. This helps me be patient and wait. Even when it’s extra hard…
I can tell when I’m sleepy tired. I can ask when we are at our friend’s house, “Is it time to go?” Cuz if it IS I need to run to the potty and then gather up a fuzzy blanket to snuggle with in my car seat. Because I KNOW what feels good when I’m sleepy tired. And you never try to MAKE me “go to sleep”–you just help me let sleep come. My way. That’s how I know a fuzzy blanket helps…
I can CLIMB. Oh so high! I know how to find good handholds and places for my toes. I know, because you have always let me–with you near by–figure out this climbing deal. I like how you ask me questions about where my feet can go or if I can see that handhold right up to my left. I like that, because I can then TELL you know I AM capable and you feel confident about ME. That’s super wonderful, by the way.To feel YOUR confidence in what I’m learning about.
I can cry when I’m hurt or sad. You let me. I like that. I like knowing you will ask if I need your company. I like knowing that I can count on your arms and lap making a safe place for me to feel better–on my time instead of yours. I like that YOU wait–did you know YOU are patient, too? You wait until I’m ready. That always makes me feel better faster and ready to try things again. You know what? I REALLY like that, even if ice for an owie would help me, if I say NO you go with my NO. I’m learning and you let me.
I CAN. I can do so, so much and I AM amazing.I am an amazing ME because you and Mama help me in just the right ways. I love you. Like Daniel Tiger says, “Ugga-mugga!”
Find Alice’s books here!
Thank you for being my Papa. And be sure to tell Mama cuz she thinks I’m amazing, too!
And here is what it takes to GET a little one ready for school–to have that solid SOLID foundation from which all else grows:
Playing, talking, singing, and reading together
with a fully present adult.
(Thank you toBest Beginnings for the pictures that made this photo and for all the work you do to help children and families!)
And I’ll add a few other things for that foundation upon which all else can flourish:
A parent who is intent on growing themselves to be better, stronger within, more confident and clear, able to be calm and comfortable in whatever their child throws at them (OR, acting-as-if they are as they work at strengthening just this!)…PAUSE. It really makes a relationship-building difference.
A parent who takes responsibility FOR the kind of physical and emotional environment their child grows in. And works at keeping it healthy all through the years.
A parent who takes responsibility FOR understanding child development, reaching out for help, discovering resources and all other support, knowledge, encouragement available–and then uses it.
A parent who takes responsibility FOR how they decide to think, feel, and act no matter how their child decides to do the same. And hopefully decides to do so from a respectful, kind place. Relationship-building all the way. More on this can be found here.
And now a child–with wonderful talking, singing, playing,
and reading with their special and present adult and an adult
who grows their calm, consistent, confident, responsible TO
their child selves–can more likely flourish.
Find Alice’s books here!
And BE ready for Kindergarten and all things SCHOOL. Sometimes at age 5. Sometimes at age 6.
Check out Best Beginnings–lots of fantastic resources for parents no matter where you live.
A story for you that I hope puts a smile on your face!
Two boys, ages 4 and 6. A mom who works from home. A dad who travels regularly. A new dog, a small and somewhat (!!) effective fenced yard. And a family who takes screen time and makes it minimal time. Oh, and balls. Lots and lots and lots of balls. Add in two relatively unknown visitors landing at their home–“Uncle” Mike and Alice (yup, me!). Two nights and two days and so much to appreciate!
What did I notice and appreciate?
The natural reservation of Mr. 6-year-old. Watching and absorbing these two visitors…and then discovering with total glee that “Uncle” Mike would play ball no matter the rain outside. The abundance of hugs from Mr. 4-year-old who raced outside along with his brother to bat and throw and run and laugh.
Two very different approaches and both honored and respected. No pushing for Mr. 6-year-old–he was always given time to warm up on his OWN time. Equally so was the matter-of-fact welcoming of all the hugs his brother liked to give others…no extra attention to one way of being or another. Just both accepted, respected, enjoyed. Sometimes puzzled over…
Those ball games in the rain? They began with a bat and soft ball. I do believe it was way more fun to actually chase the errant ball that seemed to always get “hit out of the park” and over the fence. Racing through the gate to discover where it landed was as much fun as swinging the bat.
And when the ball(s) couldn’t be found? No worries. There was always another ball to use! Then there was the “toss the ball” game, way up high in the air, calling out each other’s names to run and catch and tag. A football and a soccer ball appeared next and yet another game of catch and giggles and running and wrestling matches followed. Always wrestling matches.
Indoors? It was Alice’s camera-–you know, the kind that only takes photos and has only a viewfinder? Remember those? Each boy had many-a-turn slinging the strap over their necks (“I’ll be careful, Alice!”) and working at using a viewfinder–Mr. 6 figured it out immediately and of course his favorite photo he took was of his dog’s rear end… 🙂 Fits of giggles!
Mr. 4? Oh the difficulty of squinting and viewing just through that little window at the top of the camera–yet his delight in all his photos–whether they were of the ceiling or the floor or a partial body caught accidentally as he clicked away. Never was he disappointed or frustrated--he just kept working at figuring out the view finder. Talk about persistence!
I know what struck me the most as I delighted in my time with this young family…
The calm nature of mom even when she was stressed and how her calm permeated everything. She works on this, by the way. It is the gift of growing your ability to PAUSE.
The space for the boys to just, well, be boys.
The simplicity of the play that always unfolded as a result of no screens. Playing catch outside, running running running, pushing toy planes around on the kitchen floor, working with my camera, and always weaving throughout their play the wrestling matches.
What a gift to these boys that Mom and Dad have intentionally kept things simple.
What a way to grow intrinsically motivated, problem solving,
creative and imaginative thinkers–kids who can be real learners all through life. Truly capable and competent.
And yes. There are frustrations. Plenty. From “NO. I don’t WANT to” to all the NOISE of BOYS and a mama just tired of it all. From Dad still discovering that telling his 6-year-old to do something doesn’t work quite as well as asking him what he can do. Especially when they are trying to get out the door on time.
Then there was Mr. 4’s attempt to carry the dog in his kennel down the stairs. That ended in tears. And everyone, dog included, okay. But really, all that was about was his excitement in sharing their new addition, their dog, with “Uncle” Mike and Alice! Excitement and belief in his capable and competent self.
Find PAUSE and all of Alice’s books here!
A story to hopefully put a smile on your face.To remind you of how important simple things are for kids. To encourage you a bit more in letting your child(ren) just be. To play. To have balls and sticky notes and a real camera on occasion. And to work hard at PAUSING and breathing and maybe just sitting and folding laundry as the chaos surrounds you.
What would YOUR relationship with your child feel like if…
…they were regularly falling apart, melting down, having tantrums over, well, just about anything? No matter how calm, consistent, patient you were?
…their struggles in school escalated. Understanding math was real work. Reading was something they always needed help with. Writing–both the physical act and the creative–was near on impossible?
…they found it difficult to make friends, were teased and bullied often, maybe WERE the bully, themselves, or just refused to interact much with anybody?
…they were increasingly physically challenged, overweight, uncoordinated–noticeably so and to the point you enrolled them in whatever activity you could with them constantly melting down about it all?
…many of your attempts to engage your child, connect with them, truly enjoy them were resisted, ignored, or just not even recognized?
I think you’d feel frustrated, anxious, worried–deeply worried. I think you’d feel angry, resentful, exhausted. And I think, if this kind of behavior was increasingly the norm, your anxiety would be over-the-top.
How would your CHILD feel if…
…they often fell apart, melted down, had tantrums over, well, just about ANY thing? That their “norm” was always REACTIVE?
…they felt like a failure in school. That everything about math, reading, writing was just HARD?
…they were teased and bullied, ignored, alone. Or if they could only “make” friends by being the bully?
…they KNEW they were physically challenged, overweight, and uncoordinated–mostly because all the kids around them told them so?
…they couldn’t feel the connection and engagement you were trying ever so hard to have? That it just wasn’t “there” for them?
I think they’d feel at a total loss in life. Adrift. Confused. Unhappy. Angry. Depressed. A real lack of self-confidence. All of it.
And I KNOW–with no dancing around it any more–that what are now being called Sensory Deprivation Devices (aka Digital Devices) are becoming the greater and greater cause for the failure of truly healthy and optimal development for our children.
Stay with me, here. All of the relationship challenges I shared at the start? All are increasingly felt and experienced by parents, teachers, and children alike.
Something we know as a fact is how young children learn best–with their whole body, all their senses, within a secure and connected relationship with us.
Learning with their whole body makes them active learners, imposing their ideas, imagination, actions on the world around them. And it grows a brain that is incredibly rich in all the necessary neural pathways for all learning.
Enter in a digital device. Of which is an integral part of many children’s lives now. All the “learning” from a digital device? For young children there is little to no real learning. All that IS learned is that they are no longer active learners, imposing their imaginative ideas and actions on the world around them.
Instead, they become passive.
They sit (or wiggle or get antsy while all the while UN-able to disconnect) and stare at the screen. Maybe poke and swipe and tap and giggle, as they see they can make things happen. But those things? They really mean nothing, for our young children do not have the brain development to understand these symbols on a screen represent anything in real life. And by continuing on with so much screen use, they cannot develop the necessary and deeper understanding of and around these symbols.
Yes, they can recognize numbers and letters–makes us feel quite proud that they can! And yet, by continuing on with “learning” this way, we are actually displacing the ability to truly LEARN at the deeper, important level that grows our children well.
Think about this. When you think of a ball, for instance, maybe you think of a certain kind of ball because of your experience with balls. Maybe you can imagine holding one, bouncing one, rolling one. You can sense the weight as you consider a basketball or a bowling ball. You even have a memory of how one smells, often. You think about the catch game, the bowling game, the loud thunk of the volleyball on your arm and how it stung.
Talk about rich and meaningful and ESSENTIAL.
When you now see the symbol of a ball on a screen, all your hands-on experiences allow you to truly enjoy, relate to, understand that ball on the screen. Now take your child’s experience with the screen version–our child sitting on an app “playing” ball. NONE of what you know about balls is being learned. And now, because they are on a screen, the time they could be playing with a real ball has just been displaced. Again. Now they take their passive, one-dimensional “experience” with a ball and it becomes the filter by which they see and experience balls in the three-dimensional world. Very limiting. Especially when it comes to brain health.
This is extremely detrimental to your child’s healthy and optimal growth. And it has become the norm. We have bought into screens and all things digital as an essential part of our child’s life and, hence, development.
Consider brain development.
Between birth and age 3 the brain grows to 80% of its final adult size. 90% by age 5. And all that growing? It is about neural pathways being developed. What grows these neural pathways?Hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship based, whole body experiences. In front of a screen? It is a fairly limited landscape, the brain. How scary is that? We see the results as our kids move through school…life…and they struggle. More and more. And it’s becoming “normal” to many, all this struggle. The cumulative effects of all this screen time is being seen–in schools, in homes, within relationships.
What CAN we do?
Oh it really is so very simple. It may take some adjustment for those who are immersed in digital devices, and yet it really is still simple.
Really, this is what it comes down to for young children–and I will include kids well into elementary school for this. PLAY. REAL play. Play that is non-adult directed. Play with open-ended items rather than commercialized figures–you know, all those toys that represent something someone else made up, and what someone else determined what to do with them.
Play with balls, blocks, Lego. Play with paper and crayons and markers. Play with play-dough and popsicle sticks. Play with dirt and water and rocks and moss and leaves. Play with books books books. Play with blankets and boxes and daddy’s big boots. Play outdoors, under tables, with flashlights.
PLAY that allows them to process feelings, upsetting experiences, changes in their lives. It is through play that kids learn to understand and manage LIFE. As we increasingly take it away, they are left adrift. unable to manage themselves in so many ways. Hence so many troubles increasing for our children, and for us.
PLAY IS the way children grow best. And it is being taken away. As time with devices accumulates:
Children struggle with learning. With math and numbers and quantities and spatial concepts. They struggle with comprehending stories, words, lessons. They have a hard time imagining and creating pictures in their mind as they listen.
Children struggle connecting with others–building friendships, being a friend, negotiating, problem solving.
Children struggle with feelings–they just don’t have the inner resilience as things disappoint or fail and they melt down. Tantrum. Fall apart. Act out and hurt another or themselves.
Children struggle with weight, physical well-being, coordination. How can they truly know how their body works in space when they’ve spent so much time on a screen? Talk to high school coaches for their take on this one…
Children struggle with relating to US. To parents. We begin to lose them. Ask parents of teenagers.
I ask each and every one of you to PAUSE and truly consider the real and life-changing deprivation caused by over-use or inappropriate use of digital devices.
To think about just how and why apps are advertised as something that will “spark your child’s imagination!” or “grow their math skills!”. Consider the marketing and who is doing the marketing. Think about how you really hope to “see” your child as they head off into the world as an adult. Consider what kind of relationships you intend and thoroughly relish. Consider your child’s ability to think, reflect, imagine, create, problem solve, focus, persevere, connect, feel strong from the inside out.
Mostly, consider what YOU can do differently to be sure your child is being enriched by plenty of hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship based, whole body PLAY. Take steps to keep all device time minimal or if you feel already lost to all of it and want to know WHAT to do, start with giving your child time to squish play-dough at the dining room table. Alongside you, initially, if they need practice at playing. Or coloring. Or just reading books. Stick with it, as you create a bit of change in your house-hold. Trust your child to want to play. It is their work, it is what they are wired to do. Give them the space, time, and environment in which they can and watch the magic begin.
That’s all. Start there. Keep incorporating more time for PLAY and less–WAY less–time for devices.
In time you will notice things to feel better–for you and your child. You will notice they manage themselves a bit better, feel more encouraged in school, want to connect with you, have friends over, know themselves better, eat and sleep better, everything. It really does change for the better–the MUCH better–as you intentionally make regular time to step away from all those Sensory Deprivation Devices.
Find Alice’s books here!
It is essential we do so. Our children need us to KNOW what’s healthy and good and say NO to all things screens…and YES to being Tech Intentional in all we do.
Take steps today to help your child thrive. Need more? Check out the Screen Time Network. Full of community, resources, research–so much that can help you feel confident in bringing digital wellness into your family. Check out Dr. Nancy Carlsson-Paige‘s video on Technology and Young Children, and her guide for parents, as well.
Recipe for Parenting Success, continued. Essential ingredients:
Being Bored and Empty Spaces.
Let your child be bored…instead of rushing in to fill their time with all the cool ideas YOU have (or chores or homework or whatever else is decided they need because they are bored…), PAUSE.
Consider Being Bored an essential ingredient for SUCCESS. It often creates the Empty Space so necessary for a child to reflect, come up with creative ideas, imagine, get lost in play or their ideas or a good book. It helps them discover all kinds of life skills from problem solving to thinking to greater self-awareness. And all of this? It makes YOUR job as a parent easier.
The trick to this ingredient? YOU. Being able to respect boredom as the valuable “empty space” it is. Being able to say to your extra whiny, clingy, “MOOOOOOM, I’m BOOOOOORRRRREEEED!” something along the lines of, “Oh? You’re bored. I wonder what you are going to do about that.” And then off you go focusing on all the million and one things you have to accomplish.
Really. That is enough. When they come back at you because they aren’t used to Being Bored, you get to twinkle your eyes at them and continue on with your job.
And when they STILL push push push for you to fill their Empty Space and “fix” their Being Bored, you might find yourself saying, “I remember being bored. I always had fun doing…I wonder what ideas you have.” or maybe you’ll say, “I need another half-an-hour to finish up my work. I’ll check in then and see how you are.” And because you keep your promises you do check in when you are finished with your work.
Being Bored. A key ingredient for the Recipe for Being a GREAT Parent.
Now add Empty Spaces that have nothing to do with Being Bored.
Empty Spaces (and this often includes lots of nature…always an essential ingredient!). Time for your child to just BE and follow their thoughts. You, too. You need Empty Spaces….
Here’s where I’ve noticed, appreciated, and definitely enjoyed this essential ingredient of recent:
~ The mama quietly following behind her 2.5-year-old through a local greenery. This little one was concentrating on run-run-running along the brick paths, stopping to gaze at all the color around her, touching flowers oh-so-gently AND with gentle reminders to do so, following the dog who watches over all those beautiful plants, stopping to study dirt on the ground, blooms that had fallen, and more. Appreciated? How mama quietly followed (creating an Empty Space for herself, as well), 100% tuned in. What a way to respect her little one’s exploration. I mentioned my appreciation and when mama said, “We have time to waste!” I HAD to respond with, “There is not a minute being wasted here. What a wonderful and important way to deposit into YOUR child’s fast growing brain and in-charge-of-herself self.” I just couldn’t resist because, well, so MUCH was being learned in this Empty Space of time mama was giving her toddler .
~ The 9-year-old boy, by himself, poking at the boat he made from old branches of a cow parsnip plant. He had collected the hollow and wide stems, tied them together with a bit of string, and was now testing his boat in the run off of melted snow down the culvert on his street. Lost in thought, considering ways to dam up this water to create a deeper pond, pausing to smile and tell me about his ideas. Appreciated? That he was lost in his play, immersed in all things science, and given the time and space to do so–explore his world, hands-on, creative, focused, problem solving. Oh so much being learned in THIS seemingly Empty Space!
~ A certain 7-year-old in my life. Drawing and writing endlessly. Time to do so at length in his home. A mama who intentionally limits “extra-curriculars” and “have-tos” many afternoons following school and gives her son the Empty Space of following his OWN whims (along with a snack, of course ). What unfolds? Total immersement in designing monsters and bird-like creatures, complete with scientific descriptions and stories to accompany. If one is lucky, one gets to hear his stories when he is ready. If one is REALLY lucky, one gets to HAVE one of his most incredible drawings. So much happening in this Empty Space given him most days--the creativity and imagination combined with fine-motor skills and artistry combined with language and story writing and scientific discovery…whew. And just think, with her son so immersed in his own imaginative self, mama has the opportunity to relish an Empty Space for herself (or get those chores done and dinner made…!).
All of this incredible discovery and learning because of what can seem like an Empty Space we adults need to fill.
THIS is an important ingredient in the Recipe for Success…
Our ability to let go of filling what seems to be a “wasted” space and trust what can unfold, instead.
And it can make your job as a parent easier.
Find Alice’s books here!
Today, find an Empty Space to give your child. Know that as you give them this space to BE you are providing them with opportunities absolutely key for growing well. Even if that Empty Space gets filled with the loud, upset, or any other BIG feeling (like Being Bored…!), it is valuable. Really! Essential ingredient for growing well .
Find the entire recipe for your Parenting Success right here. And enjoy!
my games all by myself and KNOW that you are there, nearby, waiting ’til I invite you to join me. I like that, you know. I like that you let me get lost in all my own stories and then join in when I’m ready for you to.
Those ball games in the rain? They began with a bat and soft ball. I do believe it was way more fun to actually chase the errant ball that seemed to always get “hit out of the park” and over the fence. Racing through the gate to discover where it landed was as much fun as swinging the bat.
y’d feel at a total loss in life. Adrift. Confused. Unhappy. Angry. Depressed. A real lack of self-confidence. All of it. 
The trick to this ingredient? YOU. Being able to respect boredom as the valuable “empty space” it is. Being able to say to your extra whiny, clingy, “MOOOOOOM, I’m BOOOOOORRRRREEEED!” something along the lines of, “Oh? You’re bored. I wonder what you are going to do about that.” And then off you go focusing on all the million and one things you have to accomplish.