I wrote this piece after viewing a television commercial of a father and child poring over a book together. The commercial was promoting the use of technology to create/enhance a warm and meaningful connection for the parent and child. Yet I believe using technology in this way takes away much more than it gives:
Child: “Daddy, how big is a blue whale?”
Dad: “I’m not sure. Let’s ask Google—how big is a blue whale?”
Google: “A blue whale is….”
Child: “Daddy, what do whales sound like?”
Dad: “I don’t know. Google, what does a whale sound like?”
Google: “Blue whales have many sounds…”
Child: “Do whales sleep?”
Dad: “Google...” (As heard and interpreted from a commercial)
You know, it is pretty fun, being able to “ask Google” or Alexis or “whomever” your technology offers up. It’s fun, even enlightening at times, finding out these answers. It can create more conversation and enjoyment in the moment. Certainly it can bring people together as they enjoy trying out this technology and even using it to expand their knowledge and maybe then using this knowledge to understand and explore even further.
And yet…here’s the deal…
When our go-to is to just get the answer,
ESPECIALLY when doing so with a child, there is so much being
missed and displaced.
Just think–as you quickly look to the fast and “right” answer, there is less conversation, less musing, less curiosity encouraged.Imagination is limited, real and lengthy problem solving challenged. There is less need for a stronger attention span, a desire to understand beyond the answer; and less opportunity to truly CONNECT.
Let’s save those quick answers as much as possible when we are exploring/reading/talking with our child. Instead, let’s:
Ask our child, “I wonder…how big do YOU suppose a blue whale is?” “Maybe as big as…a mouse? A house?” Giggles and eye-twinkles. Maybe you ask, “Can you show me how BIG a whale might be??” And down onto the floor your child goes, s-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g arms and legs out as far as can be…”WOW. Now THAT is big. I bet you ARE a whale!”
Muse, “I think a whale might sound like…a DOG!” “Noooo, daddy…whales don’t sound like a DOG. I think they sound like…” And on you go back and forth, conversing, sharing, imagining, laughing, connecting. Maybe pretending to be many different animals and the play extends way beyond whales…
Getting lost in a good book…
Be curious, “You know, I always wondered if they sleep…how do you suppose we can find out?” “Ummm…go find a whale and ask?” “Oooh…where can we find a whale?” “I know! Under my bed!” And off you two go to look under the bed, talk to the pretend whale, both snuggle and imagine you are a pair of whales taking a snooze…
Foster creativity and imagination–to let go of the “right” answer and go with creative ones that take you down a much richer, more colorful road to discovery.
Immerse your child in hands-on , sensory and language rich, relationship-based learning—use our bodies and minds and imagination to come up with what WE think. Our child’s ideas encouraged, honored, enjoyed. Such confidence in our child’s ability to learn that is communicated!
Practice problem solving—the kind that has your child digging into other resources, asking more questions, growing their competent and capable self–all so key for all things learning through life. Problem solving that takes patience, curiosity, time…the kind that strengthens us from the inside-out.
And then there is CONNECTION—true, meaningful, lovely, wonder-filled, light-hearted, curious connection. One filled with conversation and discovery. One that speaks of confidence in your child’s ability to learn…to figure things out…to ask questions and know they will be listened to. Connection that says “Your ideas are important! You can count on me to join alongside you as we work to discover together. Taking time to explore is fun! Look at all we can do together as we figure out answers…” What a way to deposit into a healthy relationship.
So leave Google and Alexis for the occasional quick answer. Let that be fun now and again. And instead–deposit richly into your child by letting their questions lead you both down a path of exploration and discovery that truly grows a healthy brain and amazing relationship. You and your child are worth the extra time this takes.
Because I keep getting asked by parents overwhelmed and truly concerned about all things digital in their children’s lives, I share this poster once again.
Be Tech Intentional.
This includes educating yourself on just what your children ARE doing and seeing. It includes growing your awareness of the impact digital use has on different ages and stages.
Know that as your child grows he or she will be in homes with different rules and awareness. As one Mama spoke to me recently, she doesn’t want her 5th grade son randomly exposed to and exploring things online (think porn, for one)–so she has taken the steps of speaking to the parents of homes where her son goes to play, asking that iPads and smart phones are not in the hands of the kids.
Another mama is working actively on her SELF to calm her anxiety over all things screens so she CAN guide her young son through positive exposure…and she is finding it tough, for she’d rather have NONE. Balance…it is key.
And yet another family has a place on the kitchen counter for their children’s friends, as they come to play bringing along all kinds of digital devices, to “park” their devices while at their house. As the papa said, “If you need to call your parents while you are here, you are welcome to use your phone right here in the kitchen.”
Be Tech Intentional. Know the impact. Know the content. Walk the talk. It is so very difficult…and it is so very essential.
A four-year-old little boy. A “toy” laptop. A library book about dinosaurs and a construction site. And me, visiting for a brief time while his dad and my husband check out some work they are doing in their house.
Out comes the laptop, on it goes, ***beep beep beep***, flashing dancing bear figures, singing the ABC’s, “talking” to Mr. Four. If you are one of my regular followers than you already know how I feel about screen technology and young children–even if it is a “toy.” So now you’ll be proud of me–I paused…
I waited and watched to see what captured Mr. Four’s attention with this “laptop.” He danced, wiggled, never really looked at the screen and the flashing images, just sort of physically reacted to it. He grinned when it said his name. He very much “showed it off” to me–“Look what I have! A laptop!” So busy looking towards ME to see how I’d react to HIM.
Now the experiment began (though I was pretty sure I knew what would happen). I reached for the dinosaur library book and began turning the pages. Quietly. Mr. Four charged right over to me, stood with legs planted firmly to the floor (where did all the wiggles go?), and began to pore over the book. We took it, page by page, with the attempt to read the story–but Mr. Four? Oh, he had other ideas.
He told ME everything that was happening, found all the funny things going on, named every piece of equipment. He turned the pages back and forth, discovering, exploring, considering. Obviously he has had this book read to him many times over. Lovely.
He used his fingers to trace different pictures. He talked endlessly. He listened with care when I DID get to read parts of the story. When we “finished” the book he went right back to flipping the pages to find the Backhoe, the Scoop Shovel, the dinosaur with the flat bill, the favorite lunch box of the construction guys, the mustard squirting out from a sandwich…
Mr. Four was absorbed by the book.
We talked and shared and laughed. He was on his OWN time with it–deciding for himself when to turn pages, what to talk about. He was sharing HIS ideas and funny stories. We felt totally connected and wrapped up in our little world of construction sites and dinosaurs. We were discovering together.
Think about this–the contrast between the electronic device and a book.
The device? It was busy telling Mr. Four what to do and how to do it and when to do it.
Mr. Four could push buttons and wiggle his body and delight in hearing the device talk to him. He had little to say about it…just sort of delighted in the entertainment of it. There may be some value in that…
The book? It engaged both of us in a relationship.
It sparked incredible imagination. It encouraged thinking. It nurtured self-direction–a child deciding on his own what to think and do and when to do it. It was three dimensional. It was sensory and language rich–sight, touch, smell, hearing…and oh, the words and conversation it sparked!
THIS is what grows a healthy brain. A child ready and eager to learn. Relationships that can thrive…relationships that provide the solid foundation for a child to grow well.
And I know from many years of experience, the impact of the book ripples out in amazing ways–I remember well how my own daughters would take marker to paper and be inspired to “write” or draw their own stories…they’d take the story of the book and expand it in ways that always surprised me. Or they’d create costumes and act out the book…or become one of the characters and pretend all day long…like my eldest did when she decided she was “Skunkie” and happily “sprayed” us all day long (she was four, as well…) And then they’d pick up the book once again, snuggle down on the couch or in my lap, and want to read it all over again.
Getting lost in a good book…
I vote for the book any time.I encourage you to do the same.
Instead of handing an electronic device over to distract your child or fill their time, consider first reading them something. Or handing them a book, instead. Or a pile of books! For now you can be sure you are supporting the growth of just what you want the most–a child whose creative, imaginative, focused and engaged, self-directed and independent soul is being nurtured in rich ways. A child whose brain is growing optimally. A child who is eager to learn.
Mr. Four and I had to be done with our story, it was time for me to go. He willingly chose two more things to find in the book–with delight and eagerness–and then his silly dinosaur self wrestled me to the door to pull on all my winter gear so I could head home. What a deposit into a warm and lovely relationship. What a difference this can make.
Find Alice’s books here!
My story of contrast for you. May it encourage you to continue keeping the magic world of books up front and center in your home. May it remind you of all the healthy and positive growth possible as you, very simply, read with your child.
What would YOUR relationship with your child feel like if…
…they were regularly falling apart, melting down, having tantrums over, well, just about anything? No matter how calm, consistent, patient you were?
…their struggles in school escalated. Understanding math was real work. Reading was something they always needed help with. Writing–both the physical act and the creative–was near on impossible?
…they found it difficult to make friends, were teased and bullied often, maybe WERE the bully, themselves, or just refused to interact much with anybody?
…they were increasingly physically challenged, overweight, uncoordinated–noticeably so and to the point you enrolled them in whatever activity you could with them constantly melting down about it all?
…many of your attempts to engage your child, connect with them, truly enjoy them were resisted, ignored, or just not even recognized?
I think you’d feel frustrated, anxious, worried–deeply worried. I think you’d feel angry, resentful, exhausted. And I think, if this kind of behavior was increasingly the norm, your anxiety would be over-the-top.
How would your CHILD feel if…
…they often fell apart, melted down, had tantrums over, well, just about ANY thing? That their “norm” was always REACTIVE?
…they felt like a failure in school. That everything about math, reading, writing was just HARD?
…they were teased and bullied, ignored, alone. Or if they could only “make” friends by being the bully?
…they KNEW they were physically challenged, overweight, and uncoordinated–mostly because all the kids around them told them so?
…they couldn’t feel the connection and engagement you were trying ever so hard to have? That it just wasn’t “there” for them?
I think they’d feel at a total loss in life. Adrift. Confused. Unhappy. Angry. Depressed. A real lack of self-confidence. All of it.
And I KNOW–with no dancing around it any more–that what are now being called Sensory Deprivation Devices (aka Digital Devices) are becoming the greater and greater cause for the failure of truly healthy and optimal development for our children.
Stay with me, here. All of the relationship challenges I shared at the start? All are increasingly felt and experienced by parents, teachers, and children alike.
Something we know as a fact is how young children learn best–with their whole body, all their senses, within a secure and connected relationship with us.
Learning with their whole body makes them active learners, imposing their ideas, imagination, actions on the world around them. And it grows a brain that is incredibly rich in all the necessary neural pathways for all learning.
Enter in a digital device. Of which is an integral part of many children’s lives now. All the “learning” from a digital device? For young children there is little to no real learning. All that IS learned is that they are no longer active learners, imposing their imaginative ideas and actions on the world around them.
Instead, they become passive.
They sit (or wiggle or get antsy while all the while UN-able to disconnect) and stare at the screen. Maybe poke and swipe and tap and giggle, as they see they can make things happen. But those things? They really mean nothing, for our young children do not have the brain development to understand these symbols on a screen represent anything in real life. And by continuing on with so much screen use, they cannot develop the necessary and deeper understanding of and around these symbols.
Yes, they can recognize numbers and letters–makes us feel quite proud that they can! And yet, by continuing on with “learning” this way, we are actually displacing the ability to truly LEARN at the deeper, important level that grows our children well.
Think about this. When you think of a ball, for instance, maybe you think of a certain kind of ball because of your experience with balls. Maybe you can imagine holding one, bouncing one, rolling one. You can sense the weight as you consider a basketball or a bowling ball. You even have a memory of how one smells, often. You think about the catch game, the bowling game, the loud thunk of the volleyball on your arm and how it stung.
Talk about rich and meaningful and ESSENTIAL.
When you now see the symbol of a ball on a screen, all your hands-on experiences allow you to truly enjoy, relate to, understand that ball on the screen. Now take your child’s experience with the screen version–our child sitting on an app “playing” ball. NONE of what you know about balls is being learned. And now, because they are on a screen, the time they could be playing with a real ball has just been displaced. Again. Now they take their passive, one-dimensional “experience” with a ball and it becomes the filter by which they see and experience balls in the three-dimensional world. Very limiting. Especially when it comes to brain health.
This is extremely detrimental to your child’s healthy and optimal growth. And it has become the norm. We have bought into screens and all things digital as an essential part of our child’s life and, hence, development.
Consider brain development.
Between birth and age 3 the brain grows to 80% of its final adult size. 90% by age 5. And all that growing? It is about neural pathways being developed. What grows these neural pathways?Hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship based, whole body experiences. In front of a screen? It is a fairly limited landscape, the brain. How scary is that? We see the results as our kids move through school…life…and they struggle. More and more. And it’s becoming “normal” to many, all this struggle. The cumulative effects of all this screen time is being seen–in schools, in homes, within relationships.
What CAN we do?
Oh it really is so very simple. It may take some adjustment for those who are immersed in digital devices, and yet it really is still simple.
Really, this is what it comes down to for young children–and I will include kids well into elementary school for this. PLAY. REAL play. Play that is non-adult directed. Play with open-ended items rather than commercialized figures–you know, all those toys that represent something someone else made up, and what someone else determined what to do with them.
Play with balls, blocks, Lego. Play with paper and crayons and markers. Play with play-dough and popsicle sticks. Play with dirt and water and rocks and moss and leaves. Play with books books books. Play with blankets and boxes and daddy’s big boots. Play outdoors, under tables, with flashlights.
PLAY that allows them to process feelings, upsetting experiences, changes in their lives. It is through play that kids learn to understand and manage LIFE. As we increasingly take it away, they are left adrift. unable to manage themselves in so many ways. Hence so many troubles increasing for our children, and for us.
PLAY IS the way children grow best. And it is being taken away. As time with devices accumulates:
Children struggle with learning. With math and numbers and quantities and spatial concepts. They struggle with comprehending stories, words, lessons. They have a hard time imagining and creating pictures in their mind as they listen.
Children struggle connecting with others–building friendships, being a friend, negotiating, problem solving.
Children struggle with feelings–they just don’t have the inner resilience as things disappoint or fail and they melt down. Tantrum. Fall apart. Act out and hurt another or themselves.
Children struggle with weight, physical well-being, coordination. How can they truly know how their body works in space when they’ve spent so much time on a screen? Talk to high school coaches for their take on this one…
Children struggle with relating to US. To parents. We begin to lose them. Ask parents of teenagers.
I ask each and every one of you to PAUSE and truly consider the real and life-changing deprivation caused by over-use or inappropriate use of digital devices.
To think about just how and why apps are advertised as something that will “spark your child’s imagination!” or “grow their math skills!”. Consider the marketing and who is doing the marketing. Think about how you really hope to “see” your child as they head off into the world as an adult. Consider what kind of relationships you intend and thoroughly relish. Consider your child’s ability to think, reflect, imagine, create, problem solve, focus, persevere, connect, feel strong from the inside out.
Mostly, consider what YOU can do differently to be sure your child is being enriched by plenty of hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship based, whole body PLAY. Take steps to keep all device time minimal or if you feel already lost to all of it and want to know WHAT to do, start with giving your child time to squish play-dough at the dining room table. Alongside you, initially, if they need practice at playing. Or coloring. Or just reading books. Stick with it, as you create a bit of change in your house-hold. Trust your child to want to play. It is their work, it is what they are wired to do. Give them the space, time, and environment in which they can and watch the magic begin.
That’s all. Start there. Keep incorporating more time for PLAY and less–WAY less–time for devices.
In time you will notice things to feel better–for you and your child. You will notice they manage themselves a bit better, feel more encouraged in school, want to connect with you, have friends over, know themselves better, eat and sleep better, everything. It really does change for the better–the MUCH better–as you intentionally make regular time to step away from all those Sensory Deprivation Devices.
Find Alice’s books here!
It is essential we do so. Our children need us to KNOW what’s healthy and good and say NO to all things screens…and YES to being Tech Intentional in all we do.
Take steps today to help your child thrive. Need more? Check out the Screen Time Network. Full of community, resources, research–so much that can help you feel confident in bringing digital wellness into your family. Check out Dr. Nancy Carlsson-Paige‘s video on Technology and Young Children, and her guide for parents, as well.
g on, named every piece of equipment. He turned the pages back and forth, discovering, exploring, considering. Obviously he has had this book read to him many times over. Lovely.
y’d feel at a total loss in life. Adrift. Confused. Unhappy. Angry. Depressed. A real lack of self-confidence. All of it. 
