Keep Your Promises

Tag: Keep Your Promises

Prove To Your Child…

September 20, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Self-care Comment

You do not have to prove yourself as a parent.

Your child does not have to…

~ excel academically, athletically, artistically…
~ behave beautifully in the grocery store at 5:30 following a long day in daycare
~ listen the first time you tell her what needs to happen
~ show amazing manners and be polite even to Aunt Martha or the neighbor
~ never throw a tantrum
…make it into college, or even want to go to college
~ know or do (something) without being told
~ know or do (something) despite being told over and over again
~ get in the car promptly, go to bed on time, do their homework agreeably, finish their homework because you said so, sit at the dinner table nicely, use a respectful tone of voice, have their backpack ready to roll…teeth brushed…clothes on…and to school on time–WITH their homework remembered (and done).
~ get ANY thing “right” the first time…

…in order for you to feel ‘the good parent’, the parent who has done their job well, the parent who has the good kids, the smart kids, the kids who “have it together.” You do not have to prove yourself to anyone other than the children in your care.

Prove to them you will:

~ walk alongside them no matter their choices
~ accept and love them just as they are AND keep a vision of all you intend so today your actions and responses can be in alignment with just what you want the most…
~ keep it together even (and most especially) when they cannot
~ keep your promises–as often as possible and with great intention, whether it is for the treat you promised or the consequence they earned.
~ calmly and consistently and with gentle connection follow through with their choices–communicating to them they can count on what you say is what you mean and will do.
~ believe they are competent, capable, truly ABLE individuals.

Prove to them you will continually work on growing yourself to feel calm, clear, and confident in who you are so you can be your best as a parent.

Prove to them you can let go of needing them to be/think/feel the way you want them to and know you are a good parent, a parent who is doing their job well no matter how they decide to behave.

Stand true and strong in who you are for it is from there we can truly feel and be our best–no need to prove your worth by how your children behave. You are already an amazing parent, working hard at parenting well. Celebrate this!

Here’s to YOU.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Keep Your Promises

February 11, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

I’ve been thinking a lot about integrity. Saying what you mean and meaning what you do. ‘Standing in our integrity’ translates to having our thoughts, feelings, and actions all in alignment with what we believe.

How does this translate to our children? Keeping our promises; building trust and respect. Key for healthy relationships. (Thank you to ScreamFree and Hal Runkel for “Keep Your Promises”)

How often do you find yourself saying:

…”I’ll be there in a minute!” and it isn’t until your child is melting down next to you 20 minutes later that you put down what you were focused on to help them? And now, of course, there is no help to be had, for total melt down has unfolded.

…“After soccer practice we can stop for ice-cream!” as you are trying to get your kids out the door and you know the promise of ice-cream will make it actually happen in a more timely way. But then following soccer you say, “It’s too late for ice-cream–sugar isn’t good for you, anyway.” Whew, at least you GOT to soccer on time, so now you can just ‘put up’ with the cries and complaints in the back seat–“…but you PROMISED…”

…“Yes you can have a guinea pig, cat, dog, (fill in the blank) when you are 10!” Then when they turn ten you come up with a million excuses why a pet just won’t work right now, how they aren’t responsible enough, that you just don’t have TIME to take care of a pet. Okay, maybe a fish…

…“Just calm down, young man!” as you are totally losing it. Hmmmm. I know that one happens often! “I need YOU to calm down so I won’t lose it!” As if it is their responsibility to decide how we are going to feel and behave…

…”Grabbing the salad bowl instead of asking nicely isn’t okay!” as you grab the salad bowl right back and bang it back down on the table. “Use your manners!” Harrumph. Why don’t they know better how to ask for something at the table? And again, if they’d JUST BEHAVE, then I wouldn’t have to lose my temper!

…“Hitting your sister is mean!” as you whack their backside and insist they go to time out to think about how to behave. (NEVER do I recommend any kind of whacking).

…“It’s unkind to talk about your friend that way. You need to be nice.” Then turn around and moan to your spouse about YOUR friend and how they make choices you just can’t get behind.

…“I’m sure you know best what you are going to do with your birthday money.” Followed by, as they decide to spend it all on a frivolous item, “Oh no, that’s a waste of money! You ought to save it. Or at least donate some of it to…” All good ideas…and all going back on just what you originally said.

What message are we giving our kids as we regularly say one thing and mean or do another? That they cannot count on what we say is what we mean. THIS erodes their trust in us, their trust in others. How can they possibly know what to expect when we change the tune on them? Or how to respond or behave or feel? It gives the message of disrespect–that we really don’t think they are or their ideas are important enough for us to follow through and keep our promise. And since they cannot count on us, why respect or even just listen to what we say? Talk about eroding relationships.

Try this, instead. PAUSE before responding or throwing out a blanket statement (YES we’ll get ice-cream after soccer!) and consider what it is you really want and CAN do.

Consider the kind of manners you’d like to grow;

the trust and respect you want to demonstrate and see in your child; the kindness and giving that is important to you.

And now role-model it. Be what you hope your child can be.

Show them how to use gentle hands, that they can count on you to keep your promise of ice-cream even if you are running late, that if you promise a pet at age ten, you follow through, talk about YOUR friends with the respect and kindness you want to see in your children, calm yourself first before asking them to do the same, let them know exactly what they can expect as they wait for your help, bite your tongue and let them experience the result for themselves as they spend all their birthday money on a ridiculous toy.

What does this require from us?

PAUSING.

Being clear on what kind of adult we hope to grow.

Knowing just what values and qualities are most important to us. Growing our ability to be patient and calm no matter how our kids are behaving. Being consistent with our follow-through–ridiculously consistent as often as possible.

Now when we do have to ‘break our promise’ because whatever we said we really didn’t mean and certainly aren’t going to do–we can apologize. Heartfully, genuinely, respectfully. “You know, when I promised you a pet last year, I was saying that without really thinking about what it means. I apologize for leaving you hoping. Let’s talk about this more carefully.” “You know, I was really mad when you threw your toy and hit your sister. It wasn’t okay for me to yell and hit you. I am sorry. Here’s what I wanted to do…”

What a way to grow respect. To build the trust in your relationship that is foundational for the rest of our child’s life.

Take time today to reflect on your integrity, on how you say what you mean and mean what you do–when this is easiest and most successful for you, what you can do differently when you find it difficult. Integrity. It is essential for growing well; for relationships to thrive. For our children to grow into those incredible adults we intend.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

It’s Tough Being a New Big Brother…

November 7, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

A story to share!

A Mama, 3.5 year old, and new baby.

Mama and Mr. 3.5 crouched on the floor together, working at “tying his shoes.” Baby beginning to stir and wake in cradle. Mama and Mr. 3.5 continue working on making bunny ears with the laces and doing the very tricky work of wrapping one ear around the other and tucking it under…

Baby begins to fuss. First softly, then a bit more loudly . Just as little babies do to let you know they are awake, hungry, wet, needing you.

Mr. 3.5 tenses a bit…but stays rather intensely focused on and a bit agitated with his rabbit ears and tying. You can bet he heard Baby. You can bet he wondered about this interruption. You can bet, because he IS the older brother…just getting used to this new person in his life…and all that THAT means.

Mama PAUSES. Listens to the slowly growing CRY in the nearby cradle. And then, staying crouched on the floor totally focused on and present to Mr. 3.5’s tying work, says, “Baby! I hear you. You are waking and ready for something. When I am all done helping Brother with his shoes, I will come.”

Mr. 3.5? He visibly relaxed. Never straying from his work. Mama smiled and said, “You are working hard at this tying job! Let me know if you need help.” And she stayed, crouched and focused, ears still cocked for Baby, knowing that by staying with Mr. 3.5, it would only be another minute at best and then she could give her full attention to Baby.

And Mr. 3.5 DID it! He finished wrapping one ear around the next, tucking it under, snugging it down, looked up at Mama and grinned. So proud of himself! Mama grinned right back and said, “You DID it. You worked at it until you got your own shoe tied. You are ready to go play. I am ready to help Baby…”

And off Mr. 3.5 dashed down the hall, happy, content, feeling confident in himself, EMPOWERED. And Mama–off to the cradle and as she leaned over, she said, “I’m here, Baby. I’m all done helping Brother with his shoes. He tied them all by himself! (this said, because she KNEW he had one ear cocked her way…). Let’s see what you need…”

It’s tough, you know, being the older sibling with a new baby. All that attention once had is now divided. This Mama? She knew how hard it can be and she knew she wanted to foster a positive and respectful relationship for her two children. By pausing and staying focused on Mr. 3.5 without dashing off to Baby she was communicating her respect for what he was doing. She was letting him know he and his work was important.

What a way to fill a bucket that is feeling a bit empty with all the new changes in the household.

Baby? With her voice and words she reached out to Baby. Now Baby hears her…and Mama followed through with exactly what she said. I know, it seems a new baby wouldn’t understand this and perhaps she SHOULD have jumped up to attend. But this Mama listened carefully and knew the crying wasn’t too much, yet.

And babies DO understand. This understanding begins at birth and comes from this practice with words, voices, calm connection, promises of coming kept.

The cool thing is, over time, Baby soothed with just hearing Mama’s voice. And big brother was more and more able to wait when it was Baby’s turn first. Because he could count on what his Mama said, she meant and would do. No matter what.

Does this mean there weren’t times of major disruption, upset, tears, fights between brothers? Oh no 🙂 . But it DID mean that respect and calm connection were the foundation. And this is a very strong foundation, able to weather all sorts of turmoil and tumultuous times…

So today. PAUSE with your children. Use your voice. Stay present to the one you are with–even if it is to say, “I want to finish reading this book to you, but your sister needs me right now. Do you hear how upset she sounds? I will go get her and then come right back so we can finish our story…” And you keep your promise.

Here’s to this Mama, big brother, and baby. Here’s to you today as YOU do the hard work of parenting well, patiently, calmly, respectfully.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

The Difference Trust Makes

October 23, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment

How would YOU feel if…

...you knew without a doubt when you needed something you received it? That even if you had to wait a bit, this knowing made the wait okay?

…you could absolutely 100% count on another? Always? No matter what?

…the most important person in your life truly delighted with great JOY in and with you?

…the most important person in your life surrounded your Great Big Sad with a gentle, understanding presence?

…you were given all the time you needed to make sense out of life and the reassurance of trusted company along the way?

I believe you’d feel STRONG. I know I would. Strong from the inside out. Better able to sort through feelings. Aware of what makes you tick and accepting yourself. Able to relate well with others, for you understand their needs and feelings, too.

You’d be able to TRUST. The foundation for all healthy living and relationships.

I’ve watched many Mamas and Papas over the years and have had the privilege of seeing many children grow into strong and healthy adults from this base of respect, care, love our little ones need from us. And I’ve seen the pain and conflict that happens—the lack of trust in themselves, the world, another-–that can undermine just about everything when this kind of respectful relating and trust building is missed.

This solid foundation of trust? It is initially built in infancy. How we respectfully answer our baby’s needs. How we understand they need us nearby for them to check in with–visually and physically. How we watch and listen and put words to their actions and feelings. How we let them know what needs to happen before we do it. How we ask them if they are ready, or hungry, or sleepy and then respond accordingly. How we PAUSE often to first observe.

And it is essential all through childhood.

It’s tough to do when you have a life of work, school, appointments, multiple kids and maybe a missing partner and whatever and all other challenges.

It requires us to slow it down in whatever way we can.

It has us strengthening our ability to be fully present–even for just a few moments.

It asks us to be clear and intentional about how we want the future to look–not just the next hour. Or minute. Though there are times when that really is all we can do–look to the next minute. And yet, we can be intentional with just how we handle that next minute.

It is about taking time. Taking time to build relationships

that can feel strong from the inside out.

This can happen no matter how intensely HARD our life is. It can happen…

…in the midst of the RUSH by pausing for a few extra seconds to really look at your little one and let them know it is a rush and together you will get through it.

…as you just once today are able to actually PAUSE and respond from a place of calm.

…at family dinner time–even if it is the ONLY time you are together and present.

…as you sit to nurse–and you choose to ONLY sit and nurse rather than scroll through your phone and catch up on texts, emails, social media. Or maybe read to your preschooler as your baby nurses…all snuggled up together.

…in the car as you sing, talk, and listen; on a walk as you pay less attention to how far you are getting and more to what your child is curious about; at a doctor appointment as you talk and read together while in the waiting room; at day-care drop off as you take the extra minutes to respectfully transition your child with care and attention; even in the long and frustrating line at the store as you play I Spy, or finger games, or just wiggle your eyebrows at each other…

Taking time. Building trust so your little one

CAN count on you. Depositing as often as you can into the kind

of relationship you want the most.

Today, deposit. Communicate to your little one in whatever way you can in your situation that they CAN count on you. Take a moment to really watch them. Listen to them. Have a conversation with them. Share JOY, sad, mad, success, a nap, a bath, a book, a moment. It all counts.

Know that by doing so you are giving them exactly what they need in order to grow well–strong, from the inside out. What a gift to our children. What we focus on grows.

Here’s to you today!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Just LISTEN to me!

August 22, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

We want, at times quite desperately, our words alone to work–aka: Just LISTEN to me!

You know the drill:

…your preschooler gets extra lively in a public place–perhaps ‘over the top’ lively. Maybe pulling things off shelves in a store, or running pell-mell in and out of other people, or just bursting with LOUD. You find yourself saying, over and over, “Please stop. Put that back. Hold still. Be quiet. COME HERE NOW…” Over and over and over, to no avail.

...your teen is propped up in front of their computer, Facebook, chat, a favorite TV series all on at the same time. Homework and chores are looming over (your!) head. You find yourself nagging, threatening, bribing–“Get your homework done. Remember to clean the bathroom. Get off of Facebook! If you don’t get onto your jobs soon, I’m going to…” Over and over and over, to no avail.

Your child? They see it is a ticket to do it more, louder, bigger, messier, with sass, THAT tone, you name it. And your anxiety, embarrassment, frustration, and anger gets louder, bigger, messier, comes out with sass, THAT tone, you name it. Oh my, who is the adult in all of this? And things typically disintegrate further.

How would it feel to be confident your child can choose

appropriate behavior as necessary? That you can count on them to manage themselves well? That they can hear your words the first time and they ARE effective?

I’m betting it would feel absolutely wonderful if you felt confidence in both yourself and your child, in how you communicate, cooperate, collaborate. I’m betting you’d feel steadier and stronger from the inside out, and your child, too. I’m betting things would feel a bit more peaceful and positive. At least some of the time :-).

What might this take?

PAUSE. Always, always PAUSE. It really does come first and is

the foundation for all of this.

Then consider just what you really want the most. If you intend to grow a child who can, on their own, decide to listen, choose appropriate behaviors, be responsible for the choices they make, then it begins with you calming yourself down and recognizing your words alone are not enough–it is essential to say what you mean AND mean what you do. To take action.

Here’s the trick with little guys. Let PAUSE calm you down, then shove your anxiety and embarrassment out of the way, focus on your intent to help your child learn to manage themselves so maybe words alone COULD work eventually, step close to your child and perhaps:

...put your arms around them or your hand on their shoulder; kneel down to their level; maybe pick them up, rubber arms and all.

...steer them gently towards whatever the solution is–if it’s returning items to where they belong, know that you may end up doing most of the work as you gently keep them alongside you–and that’s okay.

...be willing to let them get mad; always affirm their feelings and wishes: “It makes you mad when I stop you from running pell-mell around the store. You’d like me to put you down. It’s not safe and I will hold you.” “You were having fun pulling all the cloth bags off the rack! You really don’t like it when I stop you. The bags belong on the rack…”

...be willing to let go of it all and leave the situation with your child–especially if they’ve reached the tantrum level. Now nothing you say will be heard or processed–calm connection is essential for them to regain self-control and be able to listen to you. It’s okay to head back to the car and leave the full grocery cart behind. It is equally okay to return to the store once calm has been restored–what a way to role model responsibility!

…know what can motivate them positively–-“When you calm down and we finish returning things to the shelves, I can tell you a funny story about…I can listen to your ideas…We can take daddy his lunch…” You are the expert on your child, and you know just what can help move them through a tough situation. Respect their feelings, take your time moving through the challenge, and then use what you know will have you heading the direction you want. My girls LOVED tiptoeing out to see if the ravens were splashing in all the puddles…eventually. After we worked through the MAD or SAD that was holding us up…:-)

And now you’ve communicated that your child

can count on you to keep it together no matter how they behave. That they can count on you to keep your promises and follow through with exactly what your words were saying.

What a powerful message–one that leaves a child feeling safe, able to trust you, secure in your calm connection. This is where children now can learn to manage themselves. Words alone only work when the foundation has been set via action defined by calm connection. A PAUSE allows you to be intentional with your word choice so you CAN follow through and keep your promise. Take care in your words–choose just what you really mean and will do.

Your older child or teen? Let your PAUSE give you time to reflect on just what kind of adult you want to send off into the world, find ways to calm your anxiety over their choices, be clear on what you expect. Self-care, remember? Key for being able to calm our anxiety!

Then let go. Let go of trying to control every little thing and instead consider just what it is you want your child to learn, how you want them to grow, and how best to do so. I remember well the push and pull over homework with my daughter and her finally saying, “Mom, if you keep nagging me about my homework, it’s just going to make me not do it!” And that is exactly what happens when we are caught up in reactivity–we tend to get more of just what we don’t want. I learned–and so did she. I paused, considered what I really wanted, and later went back to her with, “You are right. Homework is your responsibility and you don’t need me to remind you to do it. Here’s what I’m hoping–I ‘d like to know what your plans are to accomplish your work. That will help me be better at letting go of reminding (AKA nagging) you!”

This led to us making more of a team effort that resulted in my backing off and her stepping up. I had to let go of how she did her work (certainly not the way I’D do it!) and appreciate the fact she DID it–and my backing off gave her the message that I believed she was a capable student, able to take full responsibility for her choices (key for successful adulthood).

My words alone were not enough, the action that followed (staying quiet!) spoke volumes.

And here’s the cool thing. Our words alone CAN work--when you’ve set the foundation of trust necessary for your child to believe you. Trust built from your action. Say what you mean and mean what you do. Calmly. With connection.

Pay attention to what DOES work, right now, to use only your words–reflect on what it took to make this successful. I know my toddlers could hear, “Eyes only or one finger touches!” and be successful. It worked, because I had plenty of earlier practice with them, showing them just what I meant, following through with removing them (or the fragile item tempting them!) when they chose otherwise or offering more opportunity when they could just use eyes or one finger touches. What we focus on grows.

Consider where words alone work and consider what has led up to this success. Most likely these successes were preceded by your calm connection, respectful words, and gentle yet firm action.Reflecting on these times can empower you to move through the next “I wish my words alone would work…if they’d only listen to me…why do I have to say it over and over and over again…”…with the calm connection, clarity, and confidence your children need from you.

It takes resilience. Pausing often. Patience. A bit of creativity. Understanding of your child’s age, stage, and need. So be sure to take care of YOU along the way. Here’s something to help you along-–A Recipe for Parenting Success!

It really can make parenting easier…and definitely more joyful!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

How Many Times Do I Need to Tell You?!!

September 11, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Oh how often we find ourselves saying just this,

“How many times do I have to tell you?!”

And we get frustrated because, even after the ump-TEENTH time our kids STILL aren’t listening. Things spiral up, we find ourselves yelling, often punishing, doing whatever it takes to “get them to behave, to just LISTEN.”

Consider this…what would it take from YOU for your child to know, without a doubt, you’d only ask once or twice at best? What could be different in your household if this was the case? I believe you’d discover more of a positive flow to your day, more cooperative and collaborative children, feeling a calmer connection and definitely healthier relationships…

And children who listen. How would THAT feel?!

Credit to Bil and Jeff Keane
Family Circus

Consider the messages we give when we ask over and over again for them to listen and behave, yet never follow through with action. I believe some are:

“You don’t have to trust that what I say, I mean and will do.” “You can’t count on me, for I don’t keep my promises.” “My Mad is your fault and your responsibility!” Whew.

Probably not what you intend. And how confusing for our children. Or maybe it sounds like this, “How many times do I need to tell you?” “I don’t know…maybe 16?” For really, it IS up to US how many times we decide to ask or tell our children whatever it is we are wanting them to act upon. No wonder things begin to spiral up, get more intense, at times explode…here we are asking them to decide for us what it is WE want. Confusing!

If we intend to grow listeners and enjoy the cooperation we really can have with our children, I believe we must first focus on ourselves and become clear on just what we want.

It is then our job to say to them exactly

what we mean…and to follow through, calmly and consistently,

by doing just what we said.

When we can calmly and consistently follow through–-ask only once (maybe twice… 🙂 ?!), then step in and connect, guiding them gently–then our children begin to learn they truly can trust us, count on us, believe us when we say, “It is time to…”

We keep our promises.

What a way to role model integrity. What a way to show them what “keeping promises” means. What a way to let them know they can count on us. This can be difficult for it can mean we end up with…

…a tantruming child who is resisting in all ways possible as you calmly follow through with buckling them up–“I know, it really makes you mad when we have to get loaded up in the car to go. You’d really like to stay. I’m buckling you and then we will head on down the road!”

…removing them from a heated interaction–“You are super upset. Let’s go find a place for you to settle down and when you are feeling calmer, we can try again…”

…putting their beloved toy away–“When you keep throwing this toy, it can hurt something or someone. Time to put it up and give it and you a break….”

…saying NO to using the car (yes, teens have tantrums, too) or playing with a friend or going to a birthday party–“It really saddens you that you have to say no to your friend today. I bet when you have finished up with the work you need to do, we can make different plans. Let me know when you are ready to do so!”

The more we can PAUSE, calm ourselves,

consider what we really want for our child–what we really want them to learn–then we are better able to “ask only once”–clearly and calmly. And then follow through.

Keep your promises today. Even if it is for a lost privilege. Know that as you do so, you are role modeling for your child just what you want the most–a child who can count on you, trust in others, live with integrity.

Keep calm connection and clarity at the forefront in all you do…act-as-if when necessary…and notice what is different as a result.

If you enjoyed this article, here’s another you may find helpful: Save Your NO!

**Find PAUSE and all of Alice’s books here!**

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
www.justaskalice.org
www.denaliparentcoaching.com
©2018 Alice Hanscam

YES, my MAD button gets pushed…

February 22, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Know what I do when my MAD button is pushed?

You know, the times I’m RIGHT and my child needs to behave accordingly? I get louder. And LOUDER…more insistent. Heated up. I yell–or at least “raise my voice.” I often get into that “controlled” (?!) angry place. Because they have to listen, right? AND behave. Of course, that rarely works. Or if it does work it is at the cost of our relationship–it becomes relationship depleting rather than relationship building.

You know what I often do when my ANXIOUS button gets pushed?

I check out. You know, when something comes up with your kids that just makes you over the top anxious or worried or really, really uncomfortable? I hide. I check out. I disappear into the bathroom or head outside in the hopes it will all fix itself and go away.

It feels like a PAUSE, but really, it is a “scream”–for instead of taking care of my anxiety and letting my calm confidence and connection lead the way, I very loudly in a very quiet way say, “I cannot handle how uncomfortable this is making me feel, so you cannot count on me to walk alongside you and your troubles and help you discover what you can do…” I disappear and feel incredibly relieved when it (seemingly) resolves itself. At least temporarily resolves itself. Funny how the situation always rears its head once again and in a bigger way the next time around.

This checking out? It really doesn’t communicate our confidence in our children (or ourselves). It really doesn’t help our kids figure out a bit more how to really manage their feelings or behavior. It really doesn’t do anything but temporarily ease anxiety and deplete the relationship a little bit more.

And require it all to happen again and often in a bigger way because we really didn’t learn anything the first time around.

Basically it is pushing my PAUSE button without

pushing PLAY once again.

This PAUSE I continually encourage in you (and me)? It requires stepping back into the challenge or conflict or uncomfortable situation–but this time with calm connection focused on and leading the way so you can respond instead of react.

And yes, sometimes your “stepping back in” IS waiting to see what unfolds–and instead of checking out you are now tuning in, listening, paying attention–instead of tuning out. You are being a responsive and connected parent even if you stay quiet. Your kids can tell. YOU can tell the difference between checking out because of anxiety or pausing to stay focused and listening. Very different experiences.

THIS is what PAUSE is all about–it now becomes

relationship building.

It helps us to get a bit better at managing OUR feelings (anxiety!), and let’s us role-model for our children just what it is like to be a mature adult. Or at least acting as such 🙂 . It communicates, “I can handle how you feel and how you behave. We will be okay.” What a powerful message of security to a child that the most mature one CAN handle the least mature’s behavior! With this feeling of security, a child can more likely handle themselves a bit better and challenging situations can spiral up a bit less.

This kind of PAUSE communicates, “You can count on me to

keep it together no matter what you do.”

What a way to build trust–to give a child the space to bounce around in all their BIG feelings knowing, without a doubt, that you will hold that space for them. What a way to (eventually) become the resource your future teen will turn to when the going gets tough because they CAN count on you and trust you.

So if you are like me and find you check out and tune out in the hopes that everything will work itself out, PAUSE right now and consider just what works best for you to calm your own anxiety and push your play button once again.

For me, it is first allowing myself to check out. Then I pause and breathe–deeply–in and out. What a physical calming that creates! Then I think about how I really want this uncomfortable situation to “look”–what I want my kids to learn, what I hope they walk away from it understanding, how I want to feel as a result.

I take a moment to find a memory–however old–of when I DID feel that calm confidence and connection despite anxiety–or maybe just felt the calm confidence and connection, period.

Then on goes my “calm confidence” hat–often acting as if initially, and step back into the uncomfortable situation with the gentle confidence I know I CAN feel and the calm connection my children need the most from me. From there,I trust. I trust what I say, I trust that my kids are doing and experiencing just what they need to in order to learn and grow the most.

I listen better (not perfectly, but better). I try to stop myself from solving what I see as the problem. I let go of solutions and look instead to the next step. I bite my tongue and try not to interrupt as they pour out their feelings and ideas and upset. That can be incredibly difficult…

I definitely make sure I’m in no hurry–I have learned that no matter the time crunch involved, things are far more successful if I just plunk myself down in the midst of the upset and wait it out by joining in alongside. Calmly. With that gentle confidence and calm connection hat in place. I stay present.

And again, I trust. I trust that nothing can take away the fact I AM their parent–the calm guide I intend to be. I trust in that space PAUSE gave me and is giving them. I use a lot of encouraging self-talk to keep myself in this space. A lot.

And it works. It gets “easier” each time I succeed. It can for you, too. You, too, can use PAUSE to step back, get calm and clear, and then re-connect and respond. You can tip the balance from checking out to tuning in. You can–I know, because I am doing it, too.

I wanted to share so you know the work you are doing I am doing as well. This is what our parenting journeys are all about–growing ourselves as we parent our children with the calm confidence and connection they need the most. There is no end to this growth–we just get to keep getting better and stronger and tipping the balance towards more and more relationship-building experiences. For that is what it is all about. Relationships.

Let’s start today focusing on PAUSE and the calm connection that can follow as we step back into the play of things.

Thinking of each of you…
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Applesauce and Goodbyes

February 4, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and thoroughly enjoyed:

~ The 6-year-old boy at the store scrutinizing the apples, choosing with care the one he wanted, for he had decided to make applesauce. As I paused to watch, his patient, smiling, quietly watching mom said he had read the ingredients on the back of his favorite applesauce snack, and decided he wanted to make this all on his own. So apples it was…and a banana, as well.

I so appreciated mom respecting her son’s idea, giving him the opportunity to figure it out, supporting him along the way. I’ll bet some delicious home-made applesauce (maybe with a dollop of ice-cream!) was enjoyed at home that night! What a way to grow a confident, capable, competent young man.

~ The rather harried yet outwardly calm mom with three energetic boys full of beans in the grocery store. Two were marching along fairly involved with the shopping, one had decided to start a melt-down. “I don’t WANT to walk…I don’t WANT to be in the cart…I don’t WANT…”

Mom quietly and calmly let him know he could cool his jets and continue helping out, or ride in the cart. “I don’t WANT to…” and jelly legs began. Up he went as mom matter-of-factly picked him up and negotiated the now ACTIVE legs into the cart, buckled him in, and began to put her attention elsewhere.

What a way to communicate “You can count on me to keep it together no matter what you do” to her son–a powerful way to help him feel secure and grow the trust so necessary for healthy relating. What a way to communicate her confidence in his ability to ultimately learn more about managing himself--another powerful message that helps him help himself.

I tapped her on the shoulder and let her know how I noticed her ability to stay calm and what a gift this was to her son. Her response? A relieved and grateful smile and, “It can be so HARD at times…” YES. It sure can be. All the more reason to notice and appreciate parents as they navigate the hard–whether they are also falling apart or able to keep it together. It is to be appreciated

~ The 25 and 22-year old young adults taking intentional time to have special time and good-byes with their little friends—a 6-year-old and a 1-year-old. Both young adults were heading off to college and grad programs; both little ones will miss them. The first grader brought a bag FULL of college study snacks–granola bars, fruit snacks, chocolate, home-made trail mix…yum. And the hugs he and his favorite babysitter exchanged will last a semester! Not to mention the cards and letters they mail to each other…

The one-year-old knew little about leaving on jet planes, but he sure knew a lot about great big hugs, open-mouthed-ready-to-eat-you kind of kisses, and sticky good-bye waves. He topped it off with blowing kisses to his 25 and 22-year-old friends, copying their every move as they, too, blew them right back.

I so appreciated the time and attention given to these blossoming relationships–what a way to connect meaningfully, to fill one’s bucket, to love another. These young adults and their little friends? They are off to a solid start for building and enjoying wonderful relationships with each other.

Take time today to pause, notice, appreciate, and hopefully enjoy what unfolds for you or nearby you. Intentionally look for relationship building moments others are engaged in. Appreciate them–out-loud or just to yourself, it all counts. Encourage another parent who is in the midst of challenge. Take an extra moment to connect with a child. Notice what puts a smile on your face!

What we focus on grows, so let’s focus on appreciation and joy.

What a way to feel uplifted and energized even in the midst of the chaos of parenting .

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

A Cup of Kindness

December 30, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

Here’s to a cup of kindness each and every night. May your New Year be filled with kindness; let it lead the way in all that you do.

Just think, what a fabulous way to role model for our children just what we want more of.

A cup of kindness known as:

~ Self-care! Be kind to yourself by focusing first on YOU so you can parent well…patiently…with a sense of humor…Really. Taking care of YOU is essential for…well…EVERY thing.

~ Calm connection! Especially with your child and ESPECIALLY when they are anything but calm…(A rather large mug-full of self-care kindness required at these times )

~ BIG-GIANT feelings of our kids’ greeted with open arms and the message that “your feelings matter…you can count on me to keep it together no matter how BIG your feelings are!” What a feeling of safety for our kids as they work through the tumultuous-ness of all things upsetting.

~ Pausing! Then asking our child, “What do you suppose would be the kind thing to do right now?” And relishing your child’s ideas…

~ Calm and consistent follow through with the choice your child makes–whether it is for a positive thing or something less than peaceful as you move forward with your promise of no family game until homework is done. Calm and consistent follow through demonstrates guidance that is kind AND respectful. Just what our children can learn well from.

~ Letting go! Perhaps of OUR agenda…or solution…or desire to have it all feel easy and calm and smooth, or that seemingly essential errand, or going ahead with that essential errand and being okay with your child reaching their limit of patience. Another BIG mug full of kindness known as self-care required for this one…

~ SHOWING our children what care and compassion can do for another…showing and letting go of their participation. Our role-modeling–no matter what they decide to do–is one of the greatest ways to influence our kids in positive and powerful ways.

~ Presence! Intentionally choosing to be fully present to whomever you are with–whether it is engaging in conversation and play, or quietly watching your child as they immerse themselves in a game, or sitting through the alligator tears of hurt feelings. What a simple way to show kindness to another–our full, un-distracted presence. And that includes our presence to our SELVES…

A few ways to have a cup of kindness–go share one with

your child (or yourself) today and know that it will ripple out in lovely ways to all over time. What we focus on grows…

Happy 2019!

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Rocky Relationships…

December 27, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

A story of contrast for you.

A national park. Steep cliffs. Overlooks accessible to anyone, with signs indicating extreme care to be taken because of the drop-offs.

A mom and a six-year-old. Let’s call her Susannah. Mom and daughter cruising around on the rocks, mom taking photos, as were all who were absorbing the incredible beauty.

Susannah, being six and curious and unable to keep her dancing feet still, bounced all over the rocky overlook. Very near the steep drop-offs. VERY near. Mom, still taking photos, calling over her shoulder, “Susannah come here. Susannah, not so close! Susannah, I want you next to me. Come here right now. Susannah, one, two, three…listen to me!”

Susannah? “I’m just stopping right here, mom! I want to go over there. Mom! Can you see me? Mom! Look at me!!”

Mom, still taking photos and calling over her shoulder for her daughter to stay closer to her–all to no avail and all to increasing concern to those others also enjoying the over look. Mom’s anxiety increased, her frustrations communicated, her anger felt…and her words continue to fly over her shoulder with no follow-through other than more words. Her daughter totally and completely ignored her words and kept vying for her attention.

(Yes, ultimately all ended well, with the child safe and sound).

Fast forward 20-minutes and to another beautiful overlook with steep cliffs and drop-offs. A father with a three-year-old sitting together out on one of the outcrops–not entirely near the edge, but still rather edgy . As he said, his wife didn’t like where they were sitting…(dads just seem to do it differently…)

Father: “See out over there? All those canyons? Water carved them. Lots and lots of water whooshed through all this rock a really long time ago and left it carved just like this.”

Three-year-old: “Daddy, I can see the WHOLE world from here!”

Daddy had his three-year-old sitting on his lap with his arms snug around her when I approached and offered to take a photo of them together, with the backdrop the intensely beautiful and deep canyons all around. He accepted, and then the two moved off their rock and offered to do the same for my husband and me.

But first, here is what he said to his preschooler:

“Honey, I need you to go up to those rocks there and sit still while I take a photo.” He watched calmly as his little one headed right over to the safe rocks to sit. “Can you look with just your eyes for a little brown lizard who might come visit while you sit still?” Eyes got BIG and his three-year-old froze on the rocks, with just her eyes moving…

A photo of my husband and me was taken, a little girl sat tight in a safe place, and daddy and she, following his thank you to her for listening and being safe, skipped hand-in-hand up the trail to their parked car.

A story of contrast.

The mom in my first story was truly letting her anxiety over wanting desperately to control Susannah without having to actually control Susannah become a very serious safety issue. Because of mom’s anxiety–as seen both by her “checking out” as she continued to focus on her camera rather than following through with her words and going to her daughter to hold her hand and keep her close–Susannah really didn’t know where she stood in the scheme of things. Mom was saying one thing and doing something entirely different.

Susannah was trying hard to get mom to

connect with her and mom was trying hard to have Susannah mind without having to do the work it requires. Ultimately, there was a complete DIS-connect.

I get this–the desire to have our children under control without doing the hard work of actually controlling them. It’s hard, this guiding them in a gently firm way to help them learn that in some places hands just need to be held, and bodies aren’t allowed to go just anywhere. I get how hard it is. It requires a commitment from us that oftentimes can be exhausting. Interruptive, even, as we try to do things that perhaps WE want to do.

I also know I was seeing a relationship that probably was rocky without the current rocks they were on.

I heard the nag factor. I heard the bribing. I heard the anxiety and fear and frustration and anger. I heard the desire for connection and attention and I saw the testing that emerged as a result of a lack of connection and attention.

And I saw how, when we try so hard to make our kids NOT do something, we actually increase the likelihood they will do it. Hence a 6-year-old dancing near the edge of a VERY steep drop-off.

Dad in the second story demonstrated exactly the

kind of relating that has a child listening, exhibiting self-control, learning–all because dad was calm, clear, and gently firm.

He knew clearly the extent he could trust his little one. He focused on calm connection. He LIVED calm connection. He spoke with quiet confidence with his daughter; he asked of her just what he knew he could expect from her. AND he kept a close and watchful eye.

His daughter? She could trust him. She could count on what he said he meant and would do. She heard his confidence in HER that he had and she wanted very much to be that capable little one he knew she could be. He never told her what NOT to do and instead told her exactly what she COULD do. And she did.

What a tribute to the

power of calm connection,

of being clear and confident

in what you do.

Or at least working towards clarity and confidence! And what a way to have me wanting even more to support, encourage, and empower each of you so you can experience more confidence, connection, cooperation and JOY in your parenting journey.

What a difference. I keep thinking about this and about how I hope Susannah’s mom finds the support and encouragement she needs in order to calm her anxiety down and feel more confident as a parent before a real crisis occurs. If I could have, I would have stepped in and offered something–perhaps my appreciation for how she was feeling, my understanding of how scary it is to see your child so near to danger. It wasn’t the time or place. And the Ranger was there, Susannah ultimately was safe.

And yet, I continue to think about this mom and her daughter, mom feeling what could only be a growing discontent in how her relationship with her daughter was unfolding.

Today, I encourage you to work hard at pausing. At acting-as-if you are calm and confident if you don’t actually feel it yet.

Recall times you have felt this way for what we focus on grows. Put your attention to letting calm connection lead the way–it is powerful. So much real learning and relationship-building things can unfold as a result! Work at it just a little bit harder today, right now, or maybe tonight when you have the support of your spouse or partner or the comfort of being home rather than out in public. Do what YOU can to slow down enough to PAUSE, settle a bit, and then respond to your button-pushing child.

No matter when you practice leading with calm connection,

know what a relationship-building difference it can make.

And know that, as you practice a PAUSE and pay attention to the calm you CAN feel, it will get easier bit by bit. What a gift to you, your child, to ALL of your relationships.

Thinking of all of you today as you strive to parent well!

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

OH Those Testy Toddlers!

November 5, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

So your toddler is an agreeable little soul.

Happily reaches for your hand as they toddle off to get their diaper changed. Willingly offers you their cup or plate when they are all done. Bounces with the utmost JOY when daddy or you come home. Reaches their arms to their trusted care-giver and waves “bye-bye” to you. Loves the family dog with snuggles and smiles and gentle pats.

And then it all seemingly goes amok.

That agreeable little soul? Now they arch their backs and scream at the changing table–it has become the wrestling match to rival all wrestling matches. That cup and plate? Thrown. Tossed onto the floor. Gleefully run away with to just the very place food and drink are not allowed. That delightful bounce and joy when papa or mama come home? Now it is defined by screaming and reaching ever-so-hard towards whomever is NOT holding them. Those simply heart-warming good byes (and hellos!) at daycare? Now you drag yourself away feeling oh-so-guilty for leaving because your toddler is left sobbing in their care-givers arms…and the family dog…poor pooch…ears pulled, tail twisted, back jumped on…those gentle pats? L-o-n-g gone.

Respectful parenting. It can be simple when things go agreeably. Cooperatively. Peacefully. And it can leave a parent over-whelmed and at a loss when things turn tumultuous. And they will. Regularly–because these tumultuous times? They mean NEW GROWTH. And with any new growth, things get out-of-sorts. For our toddler AND for us.

So how does respectful parenting look at these times? Hard to imagine?Here’s what I think. I think it is gentle. Firm. Clear. Consistent. Calm. A few eye-twinkles always :-). A “basic” recipe to follow goes something like this:

*** PAUSE. Take a breath. Find that bit of calm inside of you.

*** Describe what you see and/or heard.

*** Affirm and name feelings.

*** Give clear expectations…or framework for what needs to happen.

*** Give choice(s).

*** Follow through calmly and consistently with the choice made.

A few ideas for you:

“Your diaper needs to be changed. After two more books we are going to head to the changing table.” Clear framework and consistent follow-through–essential.

“It really makes you mad to have to stop and change diapers. I understand. I can wait a moment while you settle down…” Name and affirm feelings–always.

“It’s time to change your diaper. Would you like to hold the wash cloth or (the special toy saved only for diaper changes…)?” CHOICE–an absolute. Even if the choice becomes NEITHER and upset gets even BIGGER, you can move through the diaper change (or diaper wrestle?!) continuing to be that calm person your child needs in order to actually feel safe expressing all his big feelings…and then you get to say, “All done! You really didn’t like it and now you are all dry…”

OR you can try a PAUSE by saying, “You are really upset about changing right now. Let’s take a moment together and look out the window so you can calm down a bit…maybe we’ll see the dog dig-dig-digging next door!” Naming feelings, slowing down a bit and staying connected with a bit of an eye-twinkle…

“I can see you are all done with your cup. I’ll put it up on the counter and down you can get.” OR:

“Uh oh. The cup landed on the floor. Up it goes to the sink, and down you go.” Describing what you see matter-of-factly keeps your child’s attention on just what you want them to do rather than what you don’t. In essence, you are role modeling exactly what you want more of.

“Cups are for holding and drinking–when you are done we put it up on the counter. Let’s go find the balls you CAN throw…” “You are excited to run-run-run! The food stays in the kitchen. Here, let me help you take it to the counter and then we can run-run-run together.” Naming feelings, giving clear expectations, and respecting the energy needing to be expressed and showing them just how to do so—what a way to keep their attention on what IS okay to do…on what cups ARE for…on real learning.

“You really want me to hold you right now (as your toddler screams for you to hold him). My arms are full of the grocery bags. Daddy just got home and is excited to see you–his arms are full with YOU! Can you help him put his car keys in the dish?” Describing, affirming, offering up a choice…and keeping a bit of eye-twinkle at the forefront 🙂 .

“Hmmm…you really are upset. Let me go put the groceries down and then my arms will be ready to hold you.” Affirming feelings and being clear on what to expect--what a way to help a toddler better manage themselves when they know what to expect AND you follow through with just that. Trust is built this way.

“You aren’t ready to say hello to mommy and give her a hug. I can hold you a while longer. While we wait until you are ready, would you like to go with me and show mommy where your special guy is hiding?” As you describe what is happening, you are enriching your toddler with meaningful-to-them language and helping them learn to a bit more how to manage themselves.

“Ouch! It hurts our dog when you pull his ears. We use gentle hands to pet him–like this, see? Ohhhh…I can see you aren’t ready to be gentle. I’m going to take Dog to the other room so he can feel safe…” Feelings! Whether your child’s or the dogs 🙂 And respecting your toddler’s choice to NOT be gentle by keeping Dog safe, too…

“You and I will head downstairs and you can try gentle hands a bit later…” Matter-of-fact result of hard-to-be-gentle hands….respectful as you lead with calm connection.

Here’s the deal–when things get LOUD, uncomfortable, button-pushing, then really it is more about pausing, calming ourselves, and then continuing to step alongside our toddler with the calm, clear, consistent connection they need the most in order to manage the new growth that leaves them feeling so topsy-turvey.

Just think how incredibly comforting it is to know they can count on YOU to keep it together even when they cannot. Just think how safe and secure that feels for a young child (any child!) when in the midst of the turmoil new growth, new experiences, any upset in their lives can cause–they can count on you to be there, helping them do the hard work of growing. Respectfully.

Know without a doubt that your calm, consistent, connected approach will, in time, settle everything down once again. And now? Respect yourself and your inner turmoil and the hard work you’ve just done and are continuing to be presented with by depositing into YOUR self-care account! You matter.

Here’s to you and your toddler!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Parenting Success: Respect Feelings

August 17, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Respect Feelings! And oh so difficult at times . A definite Essential Ingredient for our Parenting Success recipe!

Big, little, LOUD, volcanic, deeply felt, seemingly silly or unnecessary in our eyes. When a child is given the opportunity to FEEL, to have us name their feeling, and give them the safe and respectful place to express it, they can then more likely own it, understand it, and better manage it.

And when they can better manage their feelings, all kinds of way-cool things can happen…

…self-awareness grows exponentially–ever so necessary to learn about themselves, what they like and don’t like, who they are, what their place is in the world, what makes THEM tick.

…they feel more in-charge of themselves–now that is empowering for a child! Confident and capable can lead the way because feelings are understood and appreciated.

…compassion for others grows; empathy is right around the corner. What a necessary quality to grow for healthy living. Empathy for another. It begins with us empathizing with them as they FEEL–however loud, big, volcanic, deeply sad, seemingly unnecessary…

...feeling more in control of themselves, they feel more secure. And with feeling more secure, they can now truly do the job of growing. Because growth takes feeling safe, in control, supported, for this growth? It often feels rather tumultuous…

...they can feel stronger from the inside out–truly what I believe we all want for our children. What better way to set them up for navigating hurt feelings, broken hearts, peer pressure to take drugs, have sex, drink and drive (whoa…ever thought about that as you look at your 4-year-old freaking out and you are exasperated as you tell them–“You don’t need to cry! Get over it!”?)

Respect Feelings. Here’s the deal, it requires us to manage our OWN upset, irritation, frustration, heart-felt sorrow as we help our children process theirs. And this is oh-so-hard at times, for those BIG and LOUD feelings really can push our button and feel so darn uncomfortable.

Things to focus on:

PAUSE. Calm your OWN anxiety, first. Consider for a moment as your child feels deeply, loudly, energetically. Pauses are ALWAYS helpful–and if it is hurtful behavior being shown as feelings are expressed, a pause can become a part of your stepping in quickly via your self-talk, it can be those deep breaths you take as you stop your child, it can be the moment you physically wrap your arms around them to stop the hitting or running or whatever is happening. Need help with this? See my books! Or ask

Name and affirm their feeling: “I can tell you are…” “You seem disappointed.” “It really hurts your feelings…” “That makes you MAD.”

Give choices with what they CAN do with feelings that are over-the-top and needing a more productive direction: “You feel really angry. I will stop you from hurting me. If you need to hit, let’s go hit the couch…pound the floor…”

And always, always follow through with the choices given.

Know that, as you work at staying calm and connected with your child no matter their upset, you are communicating to them they can count on you to keep it together even (and most especially) when they cannot. What a way for a child to feel safe and secure even in the midst of a big upset. What a way to grow TRUST in you, in themselves.

Respect Feelings.

A key ingredient and essential for a child to grow well, be in-charge and in control of themselves. To feel compassion and be compassionate. To have the inner self-awareness necessary to truly know themselves and to feel strong from the inside out.

Another essential ingredient can be found right here.

Here’s to you…

Parenting Success: The Three C’s

August 13, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

You know that slam-dunk recipe for parenting well you wish existed? There’s yet to be a cookbook that has one, yet there are Essential Ingredients that belong in the as-yet-written “Recipe for Parenting Success.” Self-Care is number one.

The next extremely Essential Ingredient is:

The Three C’s: Calm, Connection, and Consistency.

And if you follow me then you know what is coming next…

PAUSE.

Really, maybe that is key for this Essential Ingredient–a healthy dash of PAUSE.For when our buttons are pushed–whether it is mad, sad, anxiety of any sort–it is ESSENTIAL to practice a PAUSE. A pause that allows you to calm down a bit…to get clear on just what you want…and then step back in and respond based on what you really want rather than all the button pushing emotions that try to get the best of you. And probably often do.

This is the CALM of your Three C’s.

When we CAN calm ourselves a bit, we are more likely to create the very connection our child, who is actively pushing our button and seems to want nothing to do with us or connection, really really needs. And that includes the teen who slams the door in your face and the preschooler who screams louder and louder .

And when we can create the CONNECTION...

…maybe just by staying quiet and near, or maybe by sitting alongside, or maybe by affirming feelings, or maybe by taking them by the hand and joining them in a time out for recharging, or maybe by giving them the respectful space to sort out their feelings, first–we are more likely going to influence them in such a way that they really hear us, feel understood, focus on themselves rather than on all the UPSET we could have emphasized by not pausing.

And when they can feel the connection and understanding and encouragement and have the chance to think about themselves, all kinds opportunities arise for showing our kids what it is we are hoping for, we can better listen to them and understand them, we are more likely going to notice nuances that are key for moving through the yuck in relationship building ways. WE are in a better position to positively influence our kids. How cool is that?

Then there is CONSISTENCY.

Because we’ve paused, calmed, and created connection, we are now more likely quite clear on just what it is we DO want and what the choices are for our child–and there is yet another Essential Ingredient: CHOICES.

When we can offer up choices and then FOLLOW THROUGH with what we said we’d do or they can do or whatever the result of the choice is, when we can follow through right away–our child can now count on what we say we mean and will do. We keep our promises.

This is how trust is built. With our PAUSE, our calm, our connection, and our consistency in what we say, mean, and do, our child can feel safe and secure.They can test and push and do all things they are supposed to within the safe and secure place of TRUST. Even when the world rocks their boat, if they feel safe and secure and able to trust, they can regain their balance and continue on doing the growing they need.

Really. So today? Practice pausing. Find a place of calm–even an iota, it counts. Consider what it is you really want in the situation…and then step back in responding instead of reacting. Trust this will be a deposit into the connection your child needs. Then respect choices made and consistently follow through with the results.

Truly an Essential Ingredient–The 3 C’s. Plus a (rather large) dash of PAUSE. Need help? Check out my book, PAUSE. It is all about the power of calm connection in our lives.

Continue…