Your resilience shows in how you move through each day parenting to the best of your ability; how you navigate the chaos raising children inevitably brings. Your resilience shines when your child needs you, is sick, sad, or frustrated. It is the very resilience that can have you emerging from the other side of our pandemic, of ANY challenge no matter the size, well and whole. It IS tough AND so are you.
Sometimes it can sound like, as you struggle with a personal challenge, “I’ve had this problem up until now.” This, rather than, “I have this problem.” Or it can sound like, “My child has been struggling with this up until now” rather than “My child struggles with this.”
Know that each of my books can help you with all of the above 🙂 Thank you to WholeHearted School of Counseling for inspiring me today. You, too?
Making a Real Difference, Meltdowns and All
June 10, 2019 Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment
A favorite story to share…
Four-year-old twins, a boy and girl. A busy store. Two parents and a list of things to get. Here’s what caught my attention:
The little boy getting a hold of an item and starting to take it out of its package–mom knelt gently in front of him, placed her hand on his shoulder and said, “Son, in a store we keep things in their packages until we buy them. That’s the rule. Can you put it back, please?” And then, upon refusal of her son, she carefully took it from his hands and placed it back where it belonged. Her son began to fuss…
I so appreciated her respectful, gentle approach that I kept my eye on what was unfolding from there. Yes, I watch. I watch because I enjoy noticing what is working for parents and children, I enjoy actively appreciating a parent’s efforts–more on that later.
The next thing I noticed:
The family in line, putting items up on the counter for the cashier…the little girl was happily saying, “Daddy, can I help carry things?”
The little boy–already a bit out of sorts with having to stop dismantling packaged items 🙂 –was doing the four-year-old whine. “I want that! I want it n-o-wwww!” Still on the quiet side, but a definite whine, fuss, discontentment. Dad reached down and picked him up–creating just the connection his little boy needed–and held him as they continued with unloading the cart. The boy got a little louder with his “I want…give it baaacckkk…” 
Dad looked at mom and said quietly, “What would you like me to do?” Mom said, “Head on out with him.” And out of the store dad and four-year-old went, Mr. Four now increasing in volume as he realized he was getting further from what he wanted.
Yes, I followed–the sunshine felt good as I was waiting for my husband back in the store. So I followed and watched this wonderful exchange from a distance. Dad calmly carried his now writhing son over to their car and paused by the door, talking quietly. He put his son down…and the boy promptly did jello legs and collapsed on the ground–yet still rather subdued with his whining. Dad picked him up and opened the car and tucked him in–calmly, patiently.
Enter mom. She appeared outdoors with her daughter–and here is my favorite part. I tapped her on the shoulder and said,
“I want you to know I’ve enjoyed watching your twins. I so appreciate how calm and patient you both are with your son–I know how tough it can be and I saw how much of a difference it made for your little boy.”
And she beamed.
We then spent the next few minutes sharing 4-year-old antics and their BIG feelings, how hard this stage is with her twins–she spoke of the challenges as well as the joy. We spoke of the importance of calm connection and consistent follow-through in order to help a child really learn. We spoke of the message their calm gives–that their children can count on them to keep it together even when they (the children) cannot. And this is why her son never really lost it–because they kept it together. Now he had the opportunity to really learn just a little bit more about managing himself–in a store, with dad, on his own. Truly awesome.
We parted with me sharing how this had put a smile on my face, with her sharing how encouraging it is to be actively appreciated.
And this is what I encourage each of you to do this week–actively appreciate another. Whether it is a parent with an acting out child, a parent getting real joy out of an exchange, a child who is working hard at being a great helper, a child who is struggling with a sibling or an activity. Take a moment to watch, to encourage, to say, “I noticed. Kudos to you!”
We all need encouragement and to be appreciated. And I bet you will discover and enjoy the smile it’ll put on your face and in your heart as you do so. What a way to go through our days.
What a way to grow connected, joyful, meaningful relationships.
What a way to live.
Another favorite story of the power of calm connection is right here for you: Pick Me Up Now!
With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2016 Alice Hanscam
It’s HARD to PAUSE
May 2, 2018 Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment
It’s hard, you know. To PAUSE.
To respond calmly rather than explode or grit our teeth extra hard with a scowl on our face as we, yet again, try to “straighten out” our kids’ behavior.
It’s hard. Sometimes downright impossible.
Yet consider this–what we want is for our children to control themselves—isn’t that why we try ever so hard to get them to STOP, to choose differently, to say the right things, feel the right way…to finally LISTEN to us and all of our wisdom? “Please, just control yourself for heaven’s sake!” And yet, we say and want this while we often demonstrate just the opposite…
If we want them to (ultimately) control themselves then we have to control OUR selves.
It really can be rather unsettling to realize your 18-month-old can leave you feeling entirely OUT of control. It makes way more sense when it is your 16-year-old who does. Either way, this button pushing behavior is way more about us then them.
It is a continual opportunity to focus first on OUR selves so we can pull ourselves together (even a semblance of “together” can make a real and positive difference). To breathe. To encourage ourselves. To get a bit of physical space for just a moment. To pause and dig deep for a bit of calm.
Because then–THEN we can step back in with a bit clearer of an intention, a bit more self-control, a bit more CALM. And yes, “acting-as-if” is totally okay, for what we focus on grows 
And when we can do this (even just some of the time) we are now in a position to positively influence our children.
NOW they can feel a bit safer and more secure because their number one person in life (yes, even for a teen who acts as if you are absolutely NOT number one any more…) can keep it together NO MATTER what they decide to do.
Now they can count on you. What an amazing feeling that is for any one who is struggling–that they can count on another no matter what.
Trust. Respect. Connection. All of this occurs–even if the behavior is STILL testy, reactive, button pushing. Just think, for a child who is working hard to manage something difficult, to have their special adult stay calm, connected, gently firm, there and present–wow. What a feeling.
What a way to help a child work through what they are struggling with.
And it really does all begin with us taking control of ourselves, our feelings, our behavior. Something, by the way, we CAN control…unlike our often futile attempts at controlling our child
PAUSE today.
Take the moment you need and find some semblance of calm inside you–even if all it is is to say to yourself “I’m looking for calm!” as you continue to seethe. Now go respond to your child and all that is stirring things up. Notice what is different. Because something will be. Whether it is a less intense situation, a child who actually surprises you with a better choice or quicker resolution, or that YOU emerge from all this reactivity still feeling pretty okay. Steadier. Less churned up. Notice and then appreciate the iota of difference it made. In time, it all adds up. And it makes a real difference.
A relationship building, positive influence difference. Keep at it.
What we focus on grows.
Need help? Check out each of my books.
Here’s to you today!
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam