play – Just Ask Alice

Tag: play

What TO Do Instead of a Screen?

June 20, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional 4 Comments

Once again, we are becoming increasingly aware of the damage screen time can have on developing brains. (World Health Organization’s strict new guidelines–read them here)

You hear it from me and many, many others. And it is very real–the delay in cognitive development, the lagging behind of language acquisition, the brain development that is displaced, delayed, discouraged, the lack of ever-so-key self regulation, of managing in healthy ways all those feelings in life.

All due to the lack of hands on, sensory and language rich,

relationship based, whole body experiences. The way young children LEARN and grow. Optimally.

You know what I’m truly concerned about? How to help each of YOU, who perhaps have come to rely on screens to distract and entertain as you, exhausted, sick, feeling like you are drowning and with no extra moment in your day what-so-ever, have relied on a screen so you can at least…

...breathe for a moment. Cook a meal. Use the bathroom by yourself. Talk with someone. Think. Sleep. Feel relieved because your child isn’t crying, screaming, hitting, driving you nuts. Drive safely. Arrive in one piece (more or less…. 🙂 ). Catch up on the overwhelming pile of laundry. Get dressed for work. DO work. Maybe even have a bit of adult conversation? With your partner?

I think about how, up until about 15 or so years ago (okay, maybe 20 or 25…), the only real screen we had to “rely” on was TV. And yet, in our family, TV was rarely used in those first few years, and pretty much limited to 30-minutes a day until in elementary school. And those 30-minutes were usually PBS shows such as Mister Rogers and Reading Rainbow. Totally awesome, by the way. Often watched WITH us rather than used for me to get something done.

And I can remember so much of what we DID do, instead of “relying” on TV, as we needed to find the time, space, relief in order to keep things going in our family. It is these I’d like to share…for I’m thinking many of you don’t have them in your repertoire because you’ve grown up with screens being the default. With so much information coming out about the detriment of screens for our young (and older!) children, how do you accomplish the seemingly impossible and only use screens minimally?

Ideas for you as you work at juggling the HARD of life:

…Try putting your upset baby or toddler into a backpack and onto your back while you cook dinner or tend to other things that need two hands. Now they are close to you, you can talk and sing a bit, offer them a snack, reach up and touch them. All the while taking care of work around the house. Connection. It can be made in many ways and it speaks volumes to your little one.

…Spend those first minutes home from work and daycare on the floor with your little one(s). Maybe shedding outdoor gear together. Maybe just staying quiet and watching them re-connect with home. Maybe stretched out on the floor with them climbing on you. Or reading a book together or staying out in the yard for some fresh air before you even head into the house.

Those minutes? Fully present to your little one? It answers their need for your connection during this transition. It buys YOU time afterwords, for they will more likely be calmer and engaged with helping you or exploring their books and toys. When they can count on a fully present parent helping them, first and foremost, with their transition home after a long day, those transitions become smoother. And THIS can give you the time you need.

…Have healthy snacks in the car for pick up after daycare and en-route home. That way your little one won’t be so hungry and at the end of their rope upon arrival at home. We always had apples, raisins, cheese, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, yogurt…something easy to eat while tucked in a car seat. Yes, it can leave mess behind. Yet what a small price to pay that made our transition home go so much more smoothly. Now hunger wasn’t a part of it all AND what they ate was good for them, so I was less concerned about “ruining dinner.”

…Trying desperately to wrap up some work? A call? An email? Again, start with a moment of real connection. Sometimes just a few minutes of your full attention, asking your little one what they need, engaging with them is all it takes to give you the space you need to wrap up your work. And if they still are upset and you KNOW their physical needs have been met? Then let them know you hear them, they can stay near (maybe up in that backpack on your back!), and when you finish, you will tend to them once again. And then you do. Always keep your promises.

…In the car stuck in traffic or on a longer road trip? Oh the simple games to engage them with! What is seen out the window, in the sky; what they can anticipate at the NEXT stop sign, if they can see-see-see the scoop shovel dig-dig-digging. A snack to eat, a song to sing, books to look at. Play music! Or…just be quiet and let your child be upset as you breathe breathe breathe.

…Get creative with play–Let your toddler have a bowl, spoon, flour, and a bit of water to mix. Or maybe a few cheerios and water. It really doesn’t take much to provide your child with something they often find ever-so-captivating. At least for a moment or two. Sometimes up at the counter next to you with these same items or a squishy sponge or even just a cup of their own to drink is the connection they need while you tend to your responsibilities next to them.

We liked to fill a saucepan with a few kitchen items–measuring spoons and cups for instance–then on went the lid, down we plunked it in the middle of the kitchen floor and then I could turn back to tending the dinner.

Sometimes all we did was turn on a flashlight and hand it to our toddler or preschooler.Or a magnifying glass–that really got their attention as they focused on making things look BIG 🙂

Putting a blanket over the table or a pair of chairs and hiding a favorite stuffed toy and a few books underneath caught my daughters’ attention immediately. As did lining up a few of their toy animals in a parade underneath that blanket.

A doll with a washcloth and a small tub with a tiny bit of water in it (a TINY bit if you want the mess to be minimal) has many young toddlers fascinated.

Have play dough available. Ever so soothing. Squish and poke and roll right up at the counter with you or settled in a high-chair or kitchen table.

A favorite for many is putting music on–what you can sing to, soothing if necessary, or to bop around the house getting things done. Or try an audio book for your child to tune into…and for you to talk about, too, as you move about the house.

Have paper and markers or crayons ready to roll. Or a collection of paper bags for them to scrunch, fill, dump, roll, wear. Scotch tape is a fun addition!

All of this? It requires a few things from you.

Letting go of various stages of MESS (or getting extra amazing at choosing things that leave no mess!). Simplifying meals. Being okay in Big Feelings. Being tired and knowing it really is temporary. Maybe a long temporary, and still temporary . It requires you to trust yourself, your child, the chaos for what it is–just chaos. It asks you to take MANY deep breaths. Many.

The cool thing? With your attempts to minimize screens, you will discover it can get easier. Easier because your children are more in charge of themselves, tapping into their creativity and imagination, feeling in connection with YOU, learning and growing and managing all their feelings in healthy and productive ways. And as our kids grow these abilities, our job actually gets easier because they become increasingly independent in amazing and necessary ways. Our children are growing well.

Then when all bets are off, exhaustion is too over the top, life is absolutely insane…a screen is okay.

Now using a screen is a treat, limited, useful, and no longer displacing all the hands-on, sensory and language rich, relationship based, whole body experiences our children need in order to grow well.

I hope you will share right here what works in your family to manage through the chaos without relying on a screen. Share your successes, your attempts, anything that you’ve done to minimize screens and maximize GROWTH. A valuable resource for you is the Children’s ScreenTime Network. And find even more ideas here: MORE of What TO Do Instead of a Screen.

Sometimes it is the littlest thing that can make the biggest difference for a parent.

With appreciation and JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Babies and Toddlers: Scientists Extraordinaire

May 9, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, School and education, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

“Do we want our toddlers to learn how to use simple math and language symbols, or do we want them to truly understand mathematical concepts, develop their higher learning skills, be deep thinkers and creative problem solvers…

Any time we interrupt what an infant or toddler might be working on to “teach” him, we discourage focus and attention span. Attempting to plant seeds of knowledge in our babies inadvertently plants seeds of doubt. How can our child believe that the activities he chooses are valuable, when we signal that we want him to do something more…or different?” (How To Help Your Baby Become A Math Genius (Or Not), Janet Lansbury)

I truly appreciate Janet Lansbury‘s work. This one being the most recent I’ve immersed myself in. What stands out to me is the difference between “using a skill” and “UNDERSTANDING a concept.”

I remember when we paused with our second daughter–considering putting her Kindergarten at age 6, rather than as a brand new 5 (her birthday fell right at the school district’s cut-off date for entering Kindergarten.) With my husband being an elementary teacher, and me being an early child development professional, we both knew in our gut that waiting might be best. Yet we still explored…

And what our elder daughter’s Kindergarten teacher said was something to the effect of second (and third and on) children tend to SEEM ready “earlier” due to being exposed to their older sibling’s experiences. So they often knew how to USE a skill–they’ve watched and copied and been immersed in their older sibling’s experiences. But their understanding and the necessary deeper comprehension wasn’t there yet. They could recite numbers and letters, for instance, but were less likely to KNOW what those numbers and letters truly represented and meant.

It was this that gave us the go-ahead to PAUSE and give our younger daughter the time SHE needed to explore her world at her own pace.

Math. Oh there is so MUCH our little ones are learning and absorbing just as Janet speaks of! All on their own as they test, explore, touch, taste…and what an added bonus when, as we head up the stairs with them, we find ourselves counting each step. Or describing just what size portion they are getting–“I cut you 3 apple slices! One. Two. THREE!” Noticing out loud how they dumped ALL the blocks out of the box and are now plunking in 1, 2, 3, 4, 5…

When we step back and let them work those puzzle pieces in they are learning all about shape, geometry, size. When we give them a cup or two in the bath tub and they practice pouring and dumping and filling they are learning all about quantity and physics and more.

The smooshed peas added to their oatmeal? Chemistry at its best!

A ball rolling rolling rolling…and then rolling back and forth with you? Kinesthetics. Physics.

Baby studying the wheel on a toy…and discovering how to make it go round and round? Physics!

Block building? Oh so much! Numbers. Quantity. Balance. Cause and effect. Gravity! Physics, math, science science science.

The more we can respect PLAY–aka exploration, discovery, trial and error, problem solving–the more we are supporting our little one’s optimal growth. How cool is that?

Babies and toddlers and preschoolers are Scientists Extraordinaire. We just have to get out of their way and quietly observe. Engage appropriately by naming and describing what they are experiencing. Provide a rich and varied environment (and this doesn’t need to be bought toys!) Think paper bags. Boxes. Scarves. Kleenex boxes with various lids tucked inside. Spoons! Pots and pans…oh so much just around the house that adds to that rich and varied environment.

I so appreciate Janet’s work. Here’s a piece from me that may delight you “Important Ways To Play Toddler Style.”

Enjoy your day today! Let it be the brain building one for your child it can so easily be .

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Babies Together

April 6, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Social Emotional Comment

I find this photo beautiful and important. It shows so clearly CONNECTION. And the magic of connection is it begins and is absolutely essential from birth on.

Look at these two. They are touching. They are making eye contact. They are thinking, processing, learning–all because of their physical and emotional connection.

It is lovely–to be uninterrupted, relished quietly, noticed and appreciated. It is essential to *just* absorb, as these two are absorbing their moment together.

And if they “take” a toy from the other? That’s okay. Watch. See how each responds. Often it requires nothing from us other than observing and perhaps quietly stating what you see happening–“You took the block. He’d like it back.” Or, “You are having a turn with the block, I see that.” Or, “You gave her the block. She is giving it back. You are taking turns.” Or, “Hmmm. It makes you mad/sad that she took the block. You weren’t done playing with it.”

No need to pry the block from one hand to give it “back” to the other. No need to change their play and exploration. No need to swoop one of them up in order to stop any uncomfortable-to-us feelings that are expressed. No. What is needed is your connection to their moment. Quiet, calm, present, using words to describe as needed. A smile. A back rubbed. All while giving the safe space for little ones to discover a bit more about what its like to connect, meaningfully, with another. Tears included.

Just think of all the learning that is happening! From feelings to empathy to ownership to respect to taking turns to practice at reaching and grasping and holding and reaching once again to comfort to learning all about another person.

So much learning. All from CONNECTION.
Connection that says “YOU are a capable and competent learner!”

Take time today to watch–really watch–your children, no matter their age. Notice how they play, think, connect–with another, with their own selves, with whatever play they are involved in. Pay attention to the kinds of connection with your child that feel fabulous to you…and take time to create more of it 🙂 . What a way to build relationships.

Enjoy your week!
Alice
Author and Parent Coach’
www.denaliparentcoaching.com
©2020 Alice Hanscam

Our Children Need to PAUSE, Too

February 9, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment

There are two kinds of PAUSE, you know.

So much is being shared about how our children and young adults have such increasingly high anxiety. Depression. “Mis”behavior. Problems. A real lack of well-being. Us, too, I believe. And what keeps coming up more and more is what is needed more of.

Down time. Space. Unscheduled time. Screen-free time.

Play time (again, us, too).

A PAUSE. Because really, that’s what this is all about.

There are two kinds of PAUSE. At least, in the simple way of talking about it. The first kind–what I like to call “PAUSE at its Basic”–is when we are able to take that moment in a heated situation to calm ourselves down. The cool thing is how, each time we succeed and each time we reflect on where we DO pause, even unknowingly, we are exercising and strengthening our PAUSE muscle. For that is what it is, a muscle.

This is the PAUSE you are all most familiar with as you follow me…mostly because you are in the midst of all things KIDS and the chaos and challenges and conflict this brings.

And there is another kind of PAUSE. I like to call it “taking PAUSE deeper.” It happens when we have been regularly exercising our PAUSE muscle in all those heated moments. We begin to realize we’ve integrated PAUSE into our lives in all kinds of ways, slowing us down a bit, having us feeling steady despite chaos whirling around. Others comment on our calmer energy or our ability to be strong and steady, or how they feel better around us. We often feel clearer about what we are doing and want to do.

This second kind of PAUSE? THIS is what all of us need more of. Especially our children. It’s a kind of physical and emotional space. Space to muse, play, be bored, think our own thoughts, be present to ourselves, check out a bit, take care of ourselves…you name it–and it all comes down to Unscheduled Time. No matter how briefly.

Here’s what this kind of PAUSE can do; this kind of Unscheduled Time. Especially for our children.

It can…

…help our child experience their feelings–the first step to understanding, processing, and eventually managing them.

…rejuvenate and recharge our child (and us) after an upsetting or tiring experience.

…help our child learn so much more about themselves–what they like, don’t like, can or cannot do, and more.

…leave our child (and us!) feeling calmer, more centered, ultimately stronger from within. How cool is that?

…allow our kids to think their OWN thoughts. Come up with their OWN ideas. Expand on their imagination and creative selves. All so ever essential for learning all through life, doing well in school, being brain and body healthy. For growing optimally.

…foster the ever-so-important self reflection that allows our child (and us!) to productively move through any difficult experience or stage.

Unscheduled Time even includes a good night’s sleep. The kind that doesn’t include ANY screen time prior to it. The kind that is absolutely essential for our brains to rest and process and be healthy.

Unscheduled Time includes being bored. As a matter of fact, being bored is very important. Because when we give our child the respect of a PAUSE as they complain about “being bored” we actually give them the gift of self-reflection. Imagination. Creativity. Problem solving. Downtime that turns into creative and productive time.

Unscheduled Time means way less adult-directed “intervention” in our child’s play.

**So HOW do you help a child learn to PAUSE? Both kinds of pausing?**

Ideas for you:

Show them, when they are losing it, falling apart, mad and out of control, just what a PAUSE looks like. A time to regroup–maybe in your lap or in their room or somewhere else. A time that is way less about a “punishment” and WAY more about how to take the break necessary to calm down.

Show them that it is their job to PLAY by giving them plenty of time and space to do so. If playing on their own is difficult, then choose open-ended things to play alongside with them–play dough, Lego, coloring, kicking around outside together.

Show them how YOU take breaks. How YOU head into your room to gather yourself and calm down. How you intentionally create even a brief moment of “me time” that gives you the space you need.

Let go of what can seem like “wasted time” as your teen hangs out on their bed at length doing “nothing.”

Let go of trying to direct and control just how your child plays or what they play with and try just noticing how they busy themselves. What a way to show respect for their choices and desires.

Let go of thinking you need to plan every minute of the weekend in order to “keep it all together” or “make sure everyone gets along” or to just feel in control of what otherwise feels like total chaos.

Provide toys of open-ended nature. Blocks. Lego. Dolls. Water play. Sand play. BOOKS. Dress-up clothes. Art supplies (fewer coloring books and way more PAPER). Craft supplies–especially the kind that isn’t set up to make something specific. Just supplies they can dive into, create, get messy.

Go OUT-doors as often and as long as possible. Maybe with them, maybe all by their selves. No need to have a ton of toys and equipment available. Keep it simple. Water. Balls. Bikes. A wagon. Bucket and shovel. Dirt. Sticks. Moss. Running and climbing and building and hiding and rolling and tag and forts and OH so much to do outside!

So many ways to grow that Unscheduled Time. Even when life feels incredibly scheduled due to work, daycare, school, errands. Maybe it’s just not filling the car with digital devices and “things to do” as you run from one thing to the next. Maybe it’s keeping that 20 minutes of time and space between dinner and brushing teeth wide open with no expectations. Maybe it’s thinking ahead and having something set up on the table to entice your kids into their own world of play while you scramble to get dinner going–maybe as simple as scissors and paper. Or (my favorite) play dough. Or a few ingredients for them to have fun mixing together. Maybe it’s making Saturday morning of every weekend a hang out on the floor in jammies morning and just…hanging. No plans. At least, for the kids :-).

Today, PAUSE. Show your child how to PAUSE, as well. Give them the time and space they need in order to grow well. To be healthy, in control of themselves, feeling strong from the inside out.

**Find PAUSE and all of Alice’s books here!**

Let Unscheduled Time become Regular Time in your home.

What a gift to your child AND you.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Important Moments in the Day of a Preschooler!

January 31, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

Important moments in the day of a preschooler…

~ Being the Boss of Themselves! Whether it’s preferring peanut butter and mustard sandwiches that they create, or deciding between listening to your words or losing out on something important to them (your attention, perhaps?!), being the boss of themselves is essential. And if we forget who is the boss of whom, they will remind us–exuberantly, loudly, with great emphasis. Encouraging them as their own boss is essential for growing a self-directed adult–and this means we have to let go of them always deciding to choose what we’d prefer, and following through calmly and consistently with whatever the results of their choice is.

~ Imagining and pretending…that they can jump the highest, run the fastest, be the strongest…play at length pretending to be a mommy or doctor or horse. Giving them the space and time to get lost in their imagination is a gift that will keep on giving all through their years. Encourage this today, step out of their play, and protect the uninterrupted time necessary for imagining to be the rich opportunity for growth it is.

~ Volcanic feelings! Oh the out-of-bounds, explosive, BIG feelings that burst forth so unexpectedly at times. Our ability to acknowledge and affirm them, to stay calm in their presence, and role model appropriate expression is key for helping our children learn to manage themselves. “Wow! That really made you mad. Hitting hurts. What words can you use to let her know about your mad?” We give our children the gift of a safe and secure ‘place’ to FEEL as we draw on our ability to flow calmly with their eruptions–and the safer they can feel, the more able they can learn to manage their out-of-bounds nature…and the easier it gets.

~ Creating, making, designing. Immersed in glue, tape, paper, paint, play dough, scissors, etc. Time to think their thoughts, work with their hands, get lost in the process. Admiring their handiwork when called upon-“Yes! I see how many pieces of tape you used!” “I can tell blue was the color you used the most today.” “You worked hard at putting all those pieces together with the glue…” Nothing fancy required, just time, space to make a mess, and recognition for the work they do instead of the product they produce.

~ Household chores and tasks–feeding pets, doing dishes, cooking with you, starting the laundry, sweeping, raking, weeding…simple family time can emerge from doing the mundane tasks we have each day. Preschoolers love being included…they love showing off what they can do all on their own! Take the time to slow down, include them, and know you are more likely growing a future teen wanting and willing to mow the lawn…!

~ Playing with a friend–oh how preschoolers love to be with buddies! Whether it is parallel play with little real interaction, or intense and sometimes loud sharing and negotiations. This is a time of discovery–who they are, where they belong, what is and is not theirs, what they can and cannot do. Playing with a buddy provides so many opportunities to learn about themselves! Our job? Mostly to stay out of it all. Be on the periphery, acknowledge feelings, ask questions, notice how the play ebbs and flows from involved and intense to quiet. It’ll get messy, loud, hurtful, joyous. Let go of judging it, be curious and observant, and stay calm and matter-of-fact when the explosive behavior and feelings erupt…and now you are truly supporting the early stages of true friendship.

Preschoolers. A time of amazing discovery

and growth; a time of expanded independence. Enjoy today watching how they embrace their world with exuberance, joy, curiosity, and wonder.

It’s in the simple moments…

Another preschool article for you: Preschoolers–Hang on for the Ride!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Delighting in Children

December 3, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Social Emotional Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and oh so enjoyed!:

~ The Mama who, with a group of eager adults wanting to hear her 2-year-old’s rendition of “Frosty the Snowman”, respectfully asked her little one, “Shall we teach them Frosty?” What was greatly appreciated is how what could have been an attempt to “make him perform” via, perhaps, saying “Sing them the song!” or “Can you show them how you can sing it? Come on…you know the words…” instead turned into an opportunity for her toddler to decide–on his own–just what he felt like doing with no cajoling or bribing or pressure.

What happened? Those words, “Shall we teach them Frosty?” had little guy scanning our attentive (and hopeful!) faces and launching into Frosty–in just the way a toddler does. We all delighted in it, joined in, and it became a wonderful, connected, joyful song that was sung over and over and over again…all because Mr. 2 wanted to! Just writing about this has me smiling all over again…

~ The 7-year-old boy who slowed his full-speed-ahead self down around the 2-year-old in just the right way. Playing tag by putting the brakes on just as he neared the toddler to then gently TAP him on the shoulder; stopping his perpetually moving body to plop next to Mr. 2 and ask him where each piece of a puzzle belonged–“Where does the BLUE piece go?” And waited patiently as Mr. 2 studied, pointed, and delighted in being asked.

And then the two of them going round and round the Christmas tree studying the ornaments, finding the ones of great interest, talking and touching–“remember! One finger touches!”–and sharing. And the incredible patience and tolerance and creative solutions Mr. 7 had as he taught his favorite young adult a version of checkers all the while and on the side engaging with Mr. 2 who wanted in on the game, as well…

~ The young adult upon returning home from lengthy travels for the holidays and being met by a certain favorite 7-year-old at the airport, signs of congratulations included, knelt down and opened her arms to him…sat back and admired his crayon-colored signs…discussed the various symbols he had drawn…full presence to Mr. 7 despite the general chaos around her.

And all l-o-n-g before she stood up and gave her parents their much-awaited HUG.

Lovely. Truly! Her attention to her relationship with Mr. 7…the message communicated to him–how important he is to her, how interested and curious she is about his work, how much she enjoys all things HIM…no wonder he loves and delights in her; she, him.

What wonderful ways to build connected, respectful, joy-filled relationships.

So today, look–really LOOK–at those around you. Notice the little moments. PAUSE in your running around trying to get everything done and notice. Then appreciate–yourself for pausing, your child for a smile moment, another parent for working hard at keeping it together. For these little moments? They count. They add up over time to become the huge and important ones. The ones that make the most difference. Really!

And share with me, here, if you’d like–something you’ve noticed and enjoyed. That way we can spread the joy…

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

A Favorite Way to Play!

November 23, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, School and education Comment

Looking for (digital-free) ways to play? Here’s one of my favorites…

Home-made play-dough!

(Recipe at end of post 🙂

)

Good for toddlers through teens (ever given a group of teens play-dough to have fun with??)…no need to provide anything else, initially–just warm, off the stove, home-made play-dough to poke, squish, pound, flatten, roll, stack, pinch, and squish all over again!

Want to lengthen and evolve the play? Try adding a butter knife for cutting and pieces of drinking straws (we like to cut them into 1 inch pieces or so…). Toothpicks for older than toddler are fun, too. Porcupines made, candles to be blown out, little holes and circles made to decorate.

Add a spatula and a plate for serving up Play Dough Cake! Or Play Dough Pizza… 🙂 Cookie cutters are fun, too.

Our daughters loved collecting a few of their small plastic animals and making animal play dough parades…walking their toy critters across play-dough for guessing “Whose foot prints are THOSE, Mommy?!”

Or squishing play-dough saddles on top of each critter…or making nests and “beds” for them to sleep in. Add a small muffin tin and then the play starts all over again–filling, making pies, cupcakes, or rolling little pieces of play-dough into balls and filling each muffin tin.

So much learned and experienced as your child squishes and pounds and plays. Creativity and focused attention nurtured; getting lost in their own imagination–something key for healthy growth; small motor skills encouraged; math galore as they help you measure and mix, as they fill and empty and add and lengthen and cut and shorten; feelings soothed; truly a hands on, sensory rich experience that truly grows healthy brains!

When done? Just plop it all into a ziplock bag or other airtight container and save for the next time Play-Dough Fun is to be had!

Enjoy! My favorite play-dough–especially when first off the stove and warm!

Here’s to you today as you look for ways to play…

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

www.denaliparentcoaching.com

Some of What I See

November 8, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated Comment

You know what warmed my heart of recent?

The young toddler run-run-running in toddler style down a wooden walkway in a local park. Arms pumping, knees high, and the BIGGEST grin on her face. The other cool thing? How her parents quietly followed along, their long strides matching the run run running of their toddler. Quietly. Respectfully. Giving their little one time to just BE.Lovely.

A certain 4.5 year-old in my life who asked his Mama to ask me if I could join them at the library. They were already there, immersed in all things BOOKS and it was me he thought of–an invitation hard to beat.

The small group of grandparents, parents, and school-aged kids at a local marsh, binoculars in hand, finding the bald eagle w-a-y out on a tree, studying moose remains a bit nearer, identifying arctic terns and swallows, and blue-winged teal ducks. Identifying because the kids have been shown, asked questions, given binoculars to learn to use. Bird book alongside. What a way to deposit into a healthy brain! Hands on, language and sensory rich, whole body, relationship-based learning.

A certain 10-year-old in my life who was eager to join in on his mother’s and my walk on a bike trail. Up he hopped on his bike, helmet in place, and then carefully and steadily stayed right beside us. No need to dash ahead, for he said he wanted to be next to us to talk. And talk he did 🙂 And when we were all back at his house enjoying tea? He said, “That was fun! I’m glad I went with you.” Cool, hmmmm?

Watching two favorite little boys–toddler and preschooler–roast hot dogs over our campfire one night. The concentration, the careful holding of the long metal stick, the adjustments to move A-W-A-Y from the smoke. The rather loud reluctance over letting go of the rather charred hot dog…until a slice of melon was offered up to roast, instead 🙂 All of it done with watchful eyes, space for both to manage the roasting all by themselves. And THEN there were the marshmallows…

That certain 10-year-old once again in my life who shared, as we sipped tea together, how much he loves to visit his Great Grandma. Why, I asked? “Because she is fun, shares jokes, and I love her stories,” he said. Now THAT is awesome.

My heart has been warmed and really, all it takes is pausing to notice and appreciate, to listen and maybe ask a question or two. Today, take time to look around and watch a bit. Catch that moment of a young toddler squatting close to a flower to study a bug. Watch for the GLEE as children play freely. Join in alongside your child to actively learn about something. Appreciate in little and big ways all through your days…it can begin to work magic in an otherwise hectic, stressful, or overwhelmed day.

Really!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Story Time! Dear Papa

October 18, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

Dear Papa,

I AM amazing. Just like you said about me last night. I heard you and it made my feet seem to march just a bit faster and my knees go a bit higher. Look at all I can do!

I can ring the doorbell and know you will answer, wondering “Who’s coming to MY door???” And I KNOW you will smile at me and invite me in and then when I march right back outside and shut the door, I KNOW you will wait ’til I ring once again and start all over!

I can climb up into my seat at the table–all by myself–-and KNOW that you will stand near, ask me if I want help, and hear my “I can do it all by myself!” and then let me.

I can play my games all by myself and KNOW that you are there, nearby, waiting ’til I invite you to join me. I like that, you know. I like that you let me get lost in all my own stories and then join in when I’m ready for you to.

I can wait. At least, more and more often. It’s hard, you know, waiting. You tell me how patient I am and it helps me try harder when really I don’t WANT to be patient and wait. But I can count on you. I can count on you to always finish the big important stuff YOU do and then come join ME. This helps me be patient and wait. Even when it’s extra hard…

I can tell when I’m sleepy tired. I can ask when we are at our friend’s house, “Is it time to go?” Cuz if it IS I need to run to the potty and then gather up a fuzzy blanket to snuggle with in my car seat. Because I KNOW what feels good when I’m sleepy tired. And you never try to MAKE me “go to sleep”–you just help me let sleep come. My way. That’s how I know a fuzzy blanket helps…

I can CLIMB. Oh so high! I know how to find good handholds and places for my toes. I know, because you have always let me–with you near by–figure out this climbing deal. I like how you ask me questions about where my feet can go or if I can see that handhold right up to my left. I like that, because I can then TELL you know I AM capable and you feel confident about ME. That’s super wonderful, by the way. To feel YOUR confidence in what I’m learning about.

I can cry when I’m hurt or sad. You let me. I like that. I like knowing you will ask if I need your company. I like knowing that I can count on your arms and lap making a safe place for me to feel better–on my time instead of yours. I like that YOU wait–did you know YOU are patient, too? You wait until I’m ready. That always makes me feel better faster and ready to try things again. You know what? I REALLY like that, even if ice for an owie would help me, if I say NO you go with my NO. I’m learning and you let me.

I CAN. I can do so, so much and I AM amazing. I am an amazing ME because you and Mama help me in just the right ways. I love you. Like Daniel Tiger says, “Ugga-mugga!”

Thank you for being my Papa. And be sure to tell Mama cuz she thinks I’m amazing, too!

Love,
Your Nearly Three Year Old

Alice–the one who gets to watch all this magic…
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Let’s (Not) Ask Google

October 6, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology, Story Time! Comment

I wrote this piece after viewing a television commercial of a father and child poring over a book together. The commercial was promoting the use of technology to create/enhance a warm and meaningful connection for the parent and child. Yet I believe using technology in this way takes away much more than it gives:

Child: “Daddy, how big is a blue whale?”

Dad: “I’m not sure. Let’s ask Google—how big is a blue whale?”

Google: “A blue whale is….”

Child: “Daddy, what do whales sound like?”

Dad: “I don’t know. Google, what does a whale sound like?”

Google: “Blue whales have many sounds…”

Child: “Do whales sleep?”

Dad: “Google...” (As heard and interpreted from a commercial)

You know, it is pretty fun, being able to “ask Google” or Alexis or “whomever” your technology offers up. It’s fun, even enlightening at times, finding out these answers. It can create more conversation and enjoyment in the moment. Certainly it can bring people together as they enjoy trying out this technology and even using it to expand their knowledge and maybe then using this knowledge to understand and explore even further.

And yet…here’s the deal…

When our go-to is to just get the answer,

ESPECIALLY when doing so with a child, there is so much being

missed and displaced.

Just think–as you quickly look to the fast and “right” answer, there is less conversation, less musing, less curiosity encouraged. Imagination is limited, real and lengthy problem solving challenged. There is less need for a stronger attention span, a desire to understand beyond the answer; and less opportunity to truly CONNECT.

Let’s save those quick answers as much as possible when we are exploring/reading/talking with our child. Instead, let’s:

Ask our child, “I wonder…how big do YOU suppose a blue whale is?” “Maybe as big as…a mouse? A house?” Giggles and eye-twinkles. Maybe you ask, “Can you show me how BIG a whale might be??” And down onto the floor your child goes, s-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g arms and legs out as far as can be…”WOW. Now THAT is big. I bet you ARE a whale!”

Muse, “I think a whale might sound like…a DOG!” “Noooo, daddy…whales don’t sound like a DOG. I think they sound like…” And on you go back and forth, conversing, sharing, imagining, laughing, connecting. Maybe pretending to be many different animals and the play extends way beyond whales…

Be curious, “You know, I always wondered if they sleep…how do you suppose we can find out?” “Ummm…go find a whale and ask?” “Oooh…where can we find a whale?” “I know! Under my bed!” And off you two go to look under the bed, talk to the pretend whale, both snuggle and imagine you are a pair of whales taking a snooze…

Foster creativity and imagination–to let go of the “right” answer and go with creative ones that take you down a much richer, more colorful road to discovery.

Immerse your child in hands-on , sensory and language rich, relationship-based learning—use our bodies and minds and imagination to come up with what WE think. Our child’s ideas encouraged, honored, enjoyed. Such confidence in our child’s ability to learn that is communicated!

Practice problem solving—the kind that has your child digging into other resources, asking more questions, growing their competent and capable self–all so key for all things learning through life. Problem solving that takes patience, curiosity, time…the kind that strengthens us from the inside-out.

And then there is CONNECTION—true, meaningful, lovely, wonder-filled, light-hearted, curious connection. One filled with conversation and discovery. One that speaks of confidence in your child’s ability to learn…to figure things out…to ask questions and know they will be listened to. Connection that says “Your ideas are important! You can count on me to join alongside you as we work to discover together. Taking time to explore is fun! Look at all we can do together as we figure out answers…” What a way to deposit into a healthy relationship.

So leave Google and Alexis for the occasional quick answer. Let that be fun now and again. And instead–deposit richly into your child by letting their questions lead you both down a path of exploration and discovery that truly grows a healthy brain and amazing relationship. You and your child are worth the extra time this takes.

This extra time? It is what

rich and meaningful relationships are made of.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

HARD Can Become Relationship Building

August 16, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and enjoyed:

~ The VERY sad 5-year-old boy trudging alongside his mom, heading out of the grocery store. “I wanted it! Why can’t I have it? I want it…” with alligator tears pouring down his face. Appreciated? How mom walked alongside her son, acknowledging his disappointment, staying matter-of-fact and calm. And he kept beside her, trudging and crying. Half way across the parking lot she looked at him and said, “Know what? Let’s race to the car!” His eyes widened, his tears stopped, and off they ran–“I win, I win!!!!”

She allowed him to be disappointed with her calm and understanding company, and stayed tuned in, finding just the right time to offer up something else to focus on. And it worked. What could have been HARD and even miserable, became relationship-building.

~ The teen-age baby sitter who sat alongside her 4-year-old buddy on the sidewalk following a nasty fall from his bike. Bloody knee, HUGE tears, feeling mad and sad and frustrated all at once. And the teen sat with him, calmly, compassionately, and waited. No matter that they were out in public. No matter that they had people glancing over their shoulders at the pair hunkered down on the sidewalk. She just let him cry. And then, being a tuned in teen, she found the opening, “Can you pedal your bike with one leg or do you want me to carry the bike?”

“I can do it!” And off they began…adjusting just how it needed to look. Once home, off to the band-aid drawer and the lengthy repair work…followed by play with a toy-doctor kit, stuffed guys who needed shots and band-aids…and all was well. What a way to communicate confidence in this little guy’s ability to manage his own feelings and experience. What a way to say, “You can count on me. We will be okay.” The HARD of BIG feelings, when time is taken, can become a deposit into a wonderfully connected and respectful relationship 🙂

~ The daddy who agreeably chased his toddler through the aisles of Office Max while mommy got the shopping done (teamwork!). His little girl took off, looking over her shoulder, “Get me, daddy, get me!” And off he’d go trotting behind her–“I’m gonna get you!” Squeals of delight as he’d catch up and give her a quick snuggle hug, then off she’d go down the next aisle, “Catch me, daddy!”, looking over her shoulder to be sure he was coming. It was quiet in the store, the aisles were empty, mom got the shopping done, and daddy and his little girl had a glorious time together.

I appreciated how he respected her need to put distance between them as well as respected her need to have him close. Such a tug-of-war at times as our toddlers need chances to separate–within the safety of our nearness. Put a smile on my face! And just think–what could have been HARD as you navigate stores with toddlers, became an opportunity to connect in a positive just-right-for-toddler-way…making future store visits just a bit easier 🙂

Lovely moments. Relationship building moments.

Moments that say, “I care, I know you can do it, I have confidence in you, your feelings are okay, you’re safe, you can count on me, you are a competent and capable person.”

Find a moment today with your child and just be. Connect, listen, deposit into your relationship. It really is simple.

And make it a relationship-building week!
Enjoy,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach
©2016 Alice Hanscam

Too Much, Too Soon…

April 30, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

Hurried children. Too much too soon often equals not enough.

Not enough…

…of their developmental needs being met–emotionally and physically.

…of down time, free play time, non-adult directed time.

…space to discover for themselves what they like and don’t like, can and can’t do, is their responsibility and is not their responsibility

…family time–often translated as meals together, or outings, or games played.

…OUTSIDE time. Kicking around, exploring, climbing, playing, daydreaming.

…being listened to, heard, and understood.

…respect for who THEY are becoming.

**Hurried children. It can also mean TOO much.**

Too much…

…pressure to achieve achieve achieve.
…push to try everything all at once–so many cool extra-curriculars….
…expectations to be more, better, smarter, faster, and everything SOONER
…of us trying to control their lives, decisions, thoughts, feelings, actions
…responsibility or opportunity that doesn’t match their emotional or physical developmental level.
…stress, period.

The results? These hurried children can seem

to do exceptionally well until all of a sudden they don’t.

You might find they…

…check out of just what they seemed passionate about for many years–such as a sports or other activity they did intensely since early elementary. And often this checking out has them turning to less desirable activities…
…start to fail in school. Or struggle. Or not care.
…become addicted–to drugs, alcohol, screen time (maybe as a result of checking out of the sport or activity that they lived for up until now)
…become anxious, nervous, angry. Cry. Throw even more tantrums.
…become deeply depressed, ill, unable to participate in healthy living.

You know, it often doesn’t seem a bad thing, expecting a lot from our kids, exposing them to wonderful and interesting activities at length, succumbing to their “But all my friends are doing it!” Skipping family meals regularly can be replaced with other family time. Outdoors can be “skipped” since, well, neighborhoods might be unsafe or the weather uncooperative. Unfortunately that can often mean screen time to fill the time. And that’s a whole other hurried issue as kids are exposed to things far from appropriate for their age and stage…

And yet, more often than not when we get caught up in

hurrying our children, it really is more about us.

Our need to feel the good parent; the successful parent–“I’ve got a smart kid” “I am doing it right because my child is in so many cool activities and knows how to do all these things…”

Or maybe it is about us needing to feel in control--in control of what our kids are doing, saying, thinking, feeling. One way to do this is to manage their every hour of every day…and it leaves our kids either resenting us or passively accepting our every word and action as just right for them.

It often comes from our desire to “do it right” and “make sure” our kids have every opportunity in life in order to succeed. We really do care–deeply, ever so deeply–for our children and their well being. This is our strength as parents.

And yet a hurried child is really missing what they need in order to ultimately be that self-directed, responsible, caring adult we hope for.

When we hurry, we are no longer paying

attention to what their developmental need is–we miss important things in our child’s life.

And when they don’t get their needs met we really are robbing them of the strong, inner-directed, healthy development necessary for becoming that future successful adult.

Hurried children. It really is about slowing US down. Letting go a bit. Focusing on OUR anxieties and need to be the “good parent” and calm ourselves down. Think. Find support and encouragement often. Consider just what kind of adult we intend to grow. Know, really KNOW, that slowing down, doing less, focusing on building relationships rather than building a smart kid is essential for true success. No matter what society says.

Someone I respect greatly in this field is David Elkind. Check him out. He’s written many books on this subject from preschoolers to teens. He was a professor of mine oh so many years ago at Tufts University in the Child Study department. He left an impact on me. He continues to with all of his work. And so do many, many others as we work at helping families thrive.

Here’s to you today as you sort through all the pressure our society imposes on us as we strive to parent well. It really does begin with our ability to focus on ourselves, first, and get clear about what we really want.

And yes, that hurried feeling? It’ll still exist as you rush to get out the door on time, with everyone in tow and put together. THAT hurry is rather normal…

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Appreciating Play

April 1, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and definitely enjoyed…

~ The parents of a young toddler who, instead of getting the markers he wanted to join in on coloring like his older sister, asked, “Would you like to go choose your own colors?” And down he climbed oh-so-carefully from the tall stool, pushed and shoved it all the way across the kitchen floor, climbed back up and reached the markers he wanted…climbed back down with them clutched in his hand and proceeded to push and shove the stool back across the floor to the counter where coloring was taking place.

Mom and dad? They watched, stayed near in case of tumbles, and communicated such confidence in his ability to take charge of himself. Fabulous!

~ The same parents who have chosen to flow with the energy of toddler and preschooler coloring style–you know, the kind where the edges of the paper aren’t really the edge of the coloring? When markers slide right off to decorate the surface the paper is on? These parents have chosen to only provide dry erase markers–easily wiped off of the counter.

No struggles, no trying to make their little ones color ‘the right way’, positive encouragement to keep the color on the paper, and calm acceptance of the explorations this age naturally does.

And lots of damp paper towels given for clean up–again, confidence communicated in their ability to be in charge of themselves. How cool is that?

~ The almost 5-year-old who immersed himself in an imaginative game of “I’m the kitty and YOU are the owner!” This ‘kitty?’ Slurped up the water in a bowl, rolled and crawled around the house, scratched on the kitty scratching post, fetched sticks (?!!), enjoyed crumbled up muffins in another bowl–kitty food! His full engagement with his game, the joy of an adult joining in just how HE dictated, and his ability to flow with the interruptions of his 3-year-old brother, the adults who wanted to talk, the cooking that needed tending…all spoke to the wonderful way his parents have given him the time and space to be.

To play. To imagine. To be in charge of himself. What a joy!

Enjoy your children today. Notice what they can do just for themselves that puts a smile on your face. Give them opportunities to really be in charge of themselves; give them the time and space to just be.

It is worth it.

With JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Important Ways to Play, Toddler Style

December 9, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

Important ways to play, toddler-style (and thoroughly enjoyed by me a while back)…

…dumping each and every stuffed guy, pillow, and book OFF the mattress onto the floor…hauling each and every blanket over the edge and piled on top of the stuffed guys, pillows, and books. Crawling across the mattress to drag up and off the sheet…totally immersed, furrowed eyebrows, concentration, oh so many body contortions with reaching and crawling and climbing and rolling to accomplish freeing the bed of all items!

…musing over the piles on the floor and then choosing a certain lady-bug pillow to plunk back UP on the mattress, crawling back to the edge to get a fist-full of the purple sheet and dragging it back ONTO the mattress, working the toddler-sized body to fit directly ON the lady-bug pillow and pull the sheet up over the body, tucked under the chin, eyes squeezed shut…sort of…and thinking. Talking quietly. No interruption from a parent or caregiver. Oh so much work practicing “going to sleep” can be!

...studying slugs with real concentration. Leaning o-v-e-r the flower box and discovering little tiny slugs with wiggling antenna crawling and sliming across the dirt to eat eat eat the flowers. Oh the discovery! The laughter as one…no, TWO were found climbing UP the flower box…the gently poking finger, the nibble on the leaf to see just what it is slugs like about those green plants…and the great big BLAH that followed! Just think of all the learning!

…climbing up the slippery, wet, grassy hill to spin around and PLOP down onto his back and lay ever so still as he takes in the WET of the grass, the sky he suddenly sees, the bird sounds all around…then UP again to repeat this very routine–climbing, spinning, plopping, freezing perfectly still. Over and over and over…soaking wet pants, muddy feet and hands and face…and total pleasure over being entirely in charge of what his body does…

…peek-a-boo! In and out of the set of closet beads…delighting each time in surprising the present adult with him, relishing being able to count on the adult being there, practicing over and over again the ever important ability to separate…

…and then the stories! Made up and very real and wonderful stories told Toddler Style with hand motions, words, sounds. All about dogs sneaking the cat’s food and dogs silly enough to actually try and eat a bee (STING! O-u-c-h goes the dog and BLECH as Mr. Bee escapes from the mouth…) and important people to this certain toddler writing him postcards with even more stories to think about, laugh over, delight in, and repeat…over and over and over again. Conversation, imagination, incredible THINKING fostered.

And then run off to FIND the post card to talk about it all over again . Young children LOVE getting real mail!

Important ways for toddlers to play. Meaningful work. Repetitive work. Learning more about themselves work.

Work that seems uninteresting and maybe boring to adults but is ESSENTIAL for toddlers. Work that has them thinking, discovering, moving, struggling, strengthening, feeling, talking, imagining, conversing, choosing. Work that requires us to step back, stay quiet, observe. To know just when to say something, just when to respect their space.

Work that grows a healthy brain, ready to learn; a body ready to live well; a soul in touch with who they are and how they tick. Work that a toddler needs plenty of time to engage in. Plenty.

Enjoy your little one today. Delight in what they are discovering about their world, their bodies, their thoughts and feelings. Notice how they do things over and over again. Pay attention to the thinking they are doing–especially when you intentionally stay quiet to just watch. See all the growth happening right in front of you as they explore their world in meaningful-to-them ways.

And let it put a real smile on your face!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Lessons Learned, Strengthened, and Deeply Appreciated

December 3, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting 2 Comments

Lessons learned and greatly appreciated (and quite applicable to parenting) from Life’s Neighborhood–the memory care wing in an assisted living home:

…Being fully present makes all the difference. Oh, yes.

…Connection via a hand placed on another becomes real, meaningful, and important. Holding hands, too.

…LIGHT radiates from those tremendous smiles given as an elderly senior feels that important–albeit often fleeting–connection. So like our baby’s Tremendous Smiles as they first catch sight of us each day…or moment…

…Music and singing lifts souls and taps feet, claps hands, and has some folks dancing–wheel chair bound or not. Movement! So like our little ones.

…Light-hearted humor and playfulness make everything easier and more fun. Laughing. It is essential. Including the kind that turns into tears.

…Pool noodles make great balloon whackers. Whacking balloons brings out GLEE. GLEE leaves folk chuckling, delighting, wanting more. Connection abounds. Playing! Always a good thing.

…The HARD is softened by the bits of JOY shared. And there is joy everywhere…we just have to be looking for it. Sometimes it is obvious, like a lovely gemstone. Sometimes it is the gemstone still in the rough…hard to see the beauty, light, and JOY. Yet it is still there…awaiting a bit of polishing.

…Improvisation. The art of being completely in the moment with another going with THEIR “agenda”, letting go of ours. Pretty powerful. Quite the trails one can go down with a senior with dementia (so like a full-on talking toddler at times as they chat their way through their play!).

…Being understood and appreciated right where a person is “at” brings the warmest smiles of all. Whether its joining alongside a senior who thinks he is headed to a “meeting” with the “boss” to talk about “the numbers” or a young child who is tickled over how the moon “walks with me” and it was “the kitty-no, dinosaur, no my imaginary friend who ate all the peanut butter cuz they crawled into the cupboard, Mama, and hid all night long just like in the story you read and so can I have cookies for lunch?”

...Knowing what to expect and given the chance to be ready feels ever so respectful. To see that in action with elders brings me all the way back to how essential that is for our babies.

…Feeling safe comes from calm, consistent, connected care-giving. And feeling safe is what makes many things possible. It can take time, this feeling safe. Hence the importance of our consistency.

…Big feelings abound. Stepping in alongside gently and quietly can make all the difference in the world. Oh, yes.

…Having a team to work with, laugh with, share with, cry with is essential. Often what self-care is when your work is emotionally and physically HARD and you give 100% all day long. This team-work? It makes all things possible.

Seniors with dementia. Care for them at its best is the very same that we need to be giving our children. Or everyone. Our presence, acceptance, touch. Our respect, gentle care, and calm consistency. What a reminder of how lives can be lived all through the years. What a gift to any of our relationships.

Lessons learned, strengthened, and deeply appreciated. I am grateful to Aegis Living for giving me gifts beyond measure as they so respectfully cared for my mother.

Thank you.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

It Feels Like a Battle

November 14, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Covid-19, School and education, Screen Time and Technology Comment

Does it feel like a battle during this pandemic to:

~ balance or limit screen time?
~ get your child back on the screen after “recess” to finish a school day? Or on it at the onset of school? Or just keeping it all going as you juggle multiple children, devices, etc?
~ be able to let go of your concerns over screen time and not feel like you are just giving in and hoping for the best?
~ remember just what it was you did with all your time when screens didn’t rule the day??

We are immersed in All Things Screens.

And many of us know, deep down, how *wrong* it all feels–the overwhelmed, cranky, zoned out feelings. Feeling at odds, perhaps, with how we’ve tried to balance screen time prior to the pandemic and our current reality. The emotional toll on us, on our children, on our friendships–all from both the increased screen time and the pandemic.

We are concerned and confused. And at the same time we are grateful for screens for getting us through this time. What a conflict this can be.

It’s hard. All of it. I hear concerns from preschool teachers who feel like their online time with their 3’s and 4’s is merely a “performance” to keep their students engaged. We know this isn’t how young children learn best and yet, here we are.

I hear from elementary teachers who are mourning the loss of relationship with their students. It’s hard to build a relationship on a computer screen. It’s hard to catch the nuances, respond to those nuances, “feel” the energy or mood of your class–all things key for connecting meaningfully and being in a position to truly teach.

I hear from parents so very concerned about the amount of screen time their kids have to do because of school or because parents are trying to carve out time to work from home and need the distraction of screens to occupy their children. I hear how their kids are throwing more tantrums, melting down, crying–all ages from toddlers to teens as they express the stress they are experiencing; how life at home just doesn’t feel the way they’d like it feel.

I’ve struggled with just how to reach out to all of you–for if you follow me, you know how strongly I feel about being Tech Intentional, taking care with how much and what is used/put in front of our children, being mindful of our own use. If you follow me you know I address often the impact on development and relationships our and our children’s device use has.

And yet, here we are.

I have a sense that it is important for us to let go of seeing all of this as a battle. To perhaps acknowledge and affirm our challenging pandemic reality. To allow it. Yes, allow it. Not from the “I give up” and “throw in the towel” place, but a place of acceptance. Because when we acknowledge, affirm, and accept a challenge something more productive and positive can happen.

And then…THEN we are more able to turn our heads a bit and begin to see (and create) different “spaces” available to us. Turn from the focus of the challenge and turn towards what more we need, are already getting, can do.

Think about all the challenges you’ve faced as a parent. Think about how, as you stepped back from fighting something (such as a toddler’s and preschooler’s wonderful ability to push your button) and instead stepped into it from a place of calm (like when you PAUSE before responding to your child’s undesirable antics and take a deep breath…), a situation feels less intense, more manageable, and our child–because we are calm–feels our connection and confidence. And THEY do better.

So maybe, just maybe, if we welcome in our crazy times, acknowledge them for what they are, affirm them out loud (“YES this is insane!”), we can move beyond the battle and into a steadier place. Now we might be able to see the other “spaces” in our day and life.

Spaces such as…

…The outdoors. Maybe your child only gets a short time to be outside…and maybe, because you’ve allowed our crazy times to be what they are, you find yourself feeling grateful and relieved for that short time. This, rather than regretting the lack of lengthy outdoor time.

…Meal time that is device free. Thrown together, perhaps, and full of hungry and cranky souls after a day on screens…but time together. Space to re-connect no matter how grumpy it might feel. This space? It is invaluable. Even if it is grumpy 🙂

…Taking an extra long hot shower. Or getting a moment to sip your coffee or tea with nothing else on your agenda in that moment. This is self-care. It takes only a moment and it is a real deposit, there to shore you up for the following moments of chaos.

…Reading real books with your child. Maybe only a few, because the day gets away from you, but that space? It fills hearts, minds, laps, and buckets. No matter how brief, it counts.

…Alone time–like when, even though you WANT to spend fun time with your child after they’ve exhausted themselves with online school, they instead retreat to their room. By themselves. To take a break, play quietly, listen to their music, read a book, build with Lego, take a nap. By themselves because they need that PAUSE, too. Just like you. This is a space to honor, nurture, and respect. Even when you’d like, more then anything, to have time with your child that ISN’T about navigating all things screens and school. Acknowledge, affirm, accept and allow the space they’ve just carved out for themselves.

There are so many more spaces in our lives–the ones that contain arts and crafts, laughter, time with others–maybe outside and masked for now, music, dance, being silly, playing board and card games, hiking, exercising, a long soak in the tub…

I encourage you to take time to look for these other spaces in your life, no matter how brief or limited they are right now. Notice them. Re-discover them. Appreciate them. Then maybe, maybe instead of feeling like you are battling through this experience of ours, you find yourself settling a bit, relaxing, accepting.

And now you discover there is a bit of space for something more productive and positive to happen. What we focus on grows.

Here’s to all of you in the midst of what can feel like a battle…

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Boxes! Play! REAL Learning.

October 19, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment

BOXES! One of the best playthings from crawlers and on.

I remember my 15-month-old would fill a small box with all her books then climb in and read and read and read. When we went to work at my husband’s fishing site in remote Alaska, all we took was a small box and a pile of books. She immediately set about filling her box with her books, settled herself in the midst of them all, and “read.” To this day, 28 years later, she is an avid reader, though seldom from within a box… 🙂

I remember our friends who built a “Cardboard Condo” that actually was collapsed and moved to their new house, it was such a favorite play thing for their preschoolers. A combination of multiple sized boxes, a bit of duct-tape, and presto! The favorite place to be and a magnet for all the little buddies who came to play. What a way to encourage self-direction, creativity, and imagination--as seen from afar as play changed from being Knights Sword Fighting to Daddies and Mommies and House to “I Bet You Can’t Find Me!”

I remember the refrigerator sized boxes we cut doors and windows in–let the play begin! We often put baskets of markers and crayons inside for them to color the walls, flashlights and books for reading in the dark, and a variety of buddies from stuffed kitty to stick horse that seemed to find their way in and back out–often stuffed right through the windows with peals of laughter over such a funny way to come and go. As the interest in the box waned…we switched up what they discovered inside it. Oh how much fun we all had! A wonderful way to create the kind of play that allows Mom and Dad to get work done around the house… 🙂

I know a family of a young toddler who has a wonderful box conglomeration in their living room–first set up when their son was a crawling baby and they gave him the opportunity to learn a bit about going through something, around something, in something, playing peek-a-boo from something. Now they’ve added tubes and balls and the play expands! So many concepts being learned in just the right way–PLAY.

One box, after intense play, was flattened and turned into a map of roads for all our toy cars–the 4 and 7-year old kids in my care busy driving driving driving all around it. The 4-year-old boy was intent on parking and navigating the “roads” with cars, and his 7-year-old sister was busy creating “houses” and “people” for the cars to come to! All with markers and toy cars, sprawled on top of this flattened chunk of cardboard, completely engrossed in their own imaginings. Ever so essential for all things growth and learning!

Shoe box mailboxes and slot mailboxes were added to the box forts in our living room–now my girls “wrote” letters, folded and folded and folded them, sealed them into a make-shift envelope or a real one and mailed them–endlessly. And happily UN-folded them to read each day! So much incredible learning available through a simple box. We had fun writing them letters for them to discover in their cardboard house mailboxes…and to this day? 25 years later? They write US, friends, each other, grandparents–REAL letters and postcards. What a way to nurture close and meaningful relationships.

I know a little boy who decided a smaller box was HIS quiet place. He’d climb in with his special guy and blanket whenever he needed time to just be. He’d sit there watching all the play around him, quite content. In his box. Lovely. This, in the midst of a small and busy daycare center. The really cool thing? Everyone respected the space he needed and defined for himself.

What a way to help him grow into that capable, confident boy who knows how to manage himself and all his needs well.

And I know a family of a preschooler and infant who have extended their box house into the most magnificent “castle” of hidey-holes and windows and buckets on pulleys and balls and drawbridges that has all kinds of play and joy and quiet time and snack time and pretending to be a post-office time emerging from this castle. Oh! And coloring and writing all over the walls, inside and out. Play that has them totally absorbed in what THEY are doing. Play that includes parents. Play that makes room for buddies and ideas and individual space and conflict and negotiations…on and on and on.

Children lost in their play. Just as it should be.

Totally awesome! And all it takes is a box or two or three or…

BOXES. Fantastic!

With JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Relationship-building Attention

October 15, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

A story for you…

A young mother and her 20-month-old daughter. Quiet and uncrowded indoor public place. A young toddler who was happily doing her own thing–pushing strollers, loading up her baby doll into and out of the stroller, working hard at j-u-m-p-i-n-g (you know, the kind of jump that doesn’t have feet leaving the floor yet?!), reading books, exploring tables with interesting things on them…

So many things I appreciated! The little one’s self-direction–being able to decide just what she wanted to do and how to do it, her constant talking talking talking, the young mother’s gentle approach and willingness to let her daughter lead quite often–from trailing behind her as she pushed her baby doll to welcoming in book after book to read.

I was also saddened.

Why? Because of the theme of dis-connection that ran through the entire three hours this took place.

In the young mother’s hand–nearly 100% of the time–was her cell phone. I know, there’s nothing unusual about this these days. It has become the familiar and norm to have it in your hand or in and out of your back pocket, therefore it must be okay.

It isn’t okay. Because of the disconnection it creates, because of the distraction, because of…oh so MANY things. Let me share what I saw:

With cell phone in hand, mama’s eyes were on her phone–scrolling, texting, scrolling again. Even when she slid it into her pocket it didn’t stay longer then a minute before it was out again. Toddler, upon discovering cool things upon a table, looked up at her mama with questioning eyes–only to be met by a mama who is staring at her phone. Toddler studies her for a minute then returns to the things on the table and begins talking and playing…again looking up to her mama for input, affirmation, to share.

For that is important to young children,

this sharing and affirmation of what they are doing. This is the

CONNECTION so necessary for building healthy

relationships, brains, LIFE.

Mama was looking at her phone.

Then mama pauses a second, glances at her daughter, and–seemingly engaged–says, “Good job!” Back to her phone. That “Good job!”? It becomes meaningless praise when shared in that distracted moment of what is meant to be an affirmation; a recognition of the child’s discoveries. It misses the point entirely. You can read more about that here.

A bit later little one was trying to “get” mama to read to her–mama was on her phone. Little one’s voice escalated, she began to push and pull a bit, getting louder as she went, working hard at getting mama’s attention in just a toddler way. At last mama put her phone down and said, “Okay, good job. You have a book…” And she read.

Her little girl had worked hard to get her mama’s attention. That hard work and escalating behavior to “get her mama”? It was now affirmed as just exactly what to do to get someone’s attention. That this is HOW you get Mama’s attention–start to act up a bit. Probably not what we really want most of the time. And then we wonder why our children “act up” so much…

A bit later and back to pushing the stroller around. The stroller got “stuck” on a leg of a chair and toddler started to work at getting it unstuck all by herself and expressing her frustration as she worked. Mama, with her attention still directed at her phone, just reached over and freed the stroller. Instead of noticing the work her daughter was doing she just heard the frustration and solved it for her. Now and again, we do this.

Yet when rescuing our child becomes the go-to

response–when we jump in and fix “problems” often–we are now displacing the experiences necessary for a child to grow

their capable, confident selves.

WITHOUT the distraction of the phone, mama could have…

...noticed how her daughter was working–on her own–to figure out how to free that stuck stroller. She could have affirmed her frustration, talked about the work she was doing, and by NOT solving it could have grown her daughter’s capable and confident self just a bit more.

...noticed how her daughter accurately steered the stroller over to an interesting table, stood high on her tippy toes, reached for some blocks on the table and began to experiment with them. She would’ve–instead of saying “good job”--probably said something like, “You are stacking the blocks! Do you want the red and blue ones, too?”

This richer and more meaningful language? It grows brains in necessary and amazing ways; is powerful for increasing language comprehension and vocabulary; is essential for a child to be ready to learn once they enter school. “Good job” randomly thrown out does very little to support the learning necessary for healthy growth and development.

…noticed each time her daughter sought her attention and would make eye contact–responding with an encouraging smile, engaged in what her daughter was doing. What a way to say YOU are important. What you do matters. I’m interested in YOU! What an empowering moment for a young child.

All of this? Without the distraction the phone creates it becomes real and meaningful CONNECTION.

Eye-to-eye contact immediately. Rich and meaningful language used. Desired behavior given attention to. Problem solving encouraged. Self-direction enjoyed. Confidence built. Feelings named and affirmed. The result?

A child who can manage themselves in healthy ways…who is ready to learn come Kindergarten…who feels the emotional and physical connection that is essential for healthy relationships and growing well.

Today–be present. Even if it is to say to your little one, “Mommy needs to finish texting right now. When I am done, I will read…play…explore with you.” And then give your FULL attention to whatever you are doing.

Try putting your phone down today. Leave it in the car while you head into preschool or daycare. Silence it totally while you sit on the floor and play. Put it in a drawer during that usually tough late afternoon time so you can really pay attention. Practice it in little ways.

And then take the time to notice what your little one does, how they do it, what they are enjoying. Talk about what you see. Delight in it. Be available–fully. Without the phone to pull your eyes away, you may just discover some wonderfully delightful moments…surprising moments…necessary to be helpful moments.

Your child will feel your connection to them. How awesome is that? And your job as a parent? It will get a bit easier.

With hope and appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2019 Alice Hanscam

Preschooler + Airplane = ?

October 7, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology, Story Time! 2 Comments

A story for you…

A full airplane. A mama, grandmom, and 3.5-year-old. Mr. 3.5 was strapped into his carseat, fully FULLY engaged with peeling itty-bitty stickers off of a sticker sheet and ever-so-carefully poking them into place upon his knee.

Great concentration. Wonderful fine-motor work . Grandmom and Mama watching, occasionally commenting, definitely enjoying. Me, too. I was across the aisle.

Mr. 3.5 finished filling his knee with stickers, looked at the empty sticker sheet, and promptly began peeling each itty-bitty sticker off the knee he had just filled and transferring them one at a time to his OTHER knee.

Again, concentration. Focus. Total involvement. One finger poking them into place ever so carefully. Totally fun watching him do his work!

Mama and I spoke (really, how could I resist?!). I mentioned how focused and intent her little guy was and how cool it was to see him engaged in this rather than (and, yes, if you follow me you know what is coming next) being handed a screen to watch.

I mentioned how incredible this simple activity was for building his brain.

And Mama said, “We used to use screens. No more. He was diagnosed with speech delay. Ever since we focused on other activities for him, his speech has caught up!”

Mama was quite pleased, and then showed me the books they brought along for the ride, more stickers (since her son LOVED stickers!), and other airplane activities–including Grandmom–who, as the plane took off, pointed and talked and commented on all Mr. 3.5 was seeing out his window (a momentary pause from sticker work…)

Speech delay. Just one of the many things to be aware of as a result of your little one being exposed to too much screen time.

Think about it–each time they are “plugged in” there is LESS language and conversation from/with you. The language often used by us (if we use any at all) with our kids when they are “on a screen” is simplified to things like “push there/swipe that/see that.” Rarely the rich language we use in conversation or when involved in hands on activities or exploration.

And it is this rich language in real time with an important-to-them adult that has our little ones’ brains firing away, building all those neural pathways necessary for ALL things, speech included.

Even OUR screen time can be a part of a young child’s speech delay—the more we are distracted, the less we respond to our children in meaningful, rich, connected ways.

The more we CAN give our full presence no matter how brief, our respect as shown by our full presence, our meaningful words because now we are tuned in to just what they are doing or what we are trying to communicate to our little ones, the more THEY can grow in optimal ways. Simple. Hard at times. Often exhausting. And worth it.

Absolutely worth it.

And just think–when our children do have the ability to understand our meaningful and naturally more complex language AND speak (or sign!) it, it means LESS frustration and falling apart and acting out making our job just a bit easier. Now that’s something to think about!

Kudos to this Mama. She learned the hard and concerning way, intentionally created positive change, and glows as a result. Her son is thriving. And sleeping, now. Thank goodness because Mama was tired, too…. All that sticker work exhausted him!

A story to consider.

Check out the Screen Time Action Network for more help, resources, support, encouragement.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Oh, the FUN!

August 3, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

A story to (hopefully!) delight you as much as it did me:

Two little boys, ages Nearly Six and Three. Exploring a wooded lot in our neighborhood with their parents (hoping to buy and build). Me, walking nearby.

ZOOM come the boys, screeching to a halt in front of me.

Mr. Nearly Six: “HI!!!!!!!!”

Me: “HI!”

Mr. Nearly Six: “Seethathillupthere??? WeranALLthewaytothetopandcameZOOMINGbackdown. Wannasee?”

Mr. Three: “ROAAAAAAR!” (With hands up like a fierce tiger ready to attack.)

Me: “You ran ALL the way up that hill? And FAST on down? (And to Mr. Three–WOW you can ROAR just like a tiger!)”

Mr. Three: “ROOOAAAAAARRRRRR!”

Mr. Nearly Six: “Yes! WannaSee? WATCH ME!”

And off the boys sped, arms and legs pumping as they sped up up up the hill and then ZOOMED down to come, once again, screeching to a stop in front of me.

“ROAAAAARRRRRR!” went Mr. Three.

“Didyouseeus, didyouseeus?” asked Mr. Nearly Six.

Oh, YES, I did! You went ALL the way up to the top of that hill and came zooming down!

And off the boys went. I share because of how much this put a smile on my face and heart :-). Two boys, doing just what a 3 and nearly 6 ought to be doing–outside, roaring, speeding, eventually digging and marching and collecting and squishing in the mud…their eyes a-sparkling, chattering and roaring and exploring.

The parents? I so appreciated how they, too, were enjoying how their boys were playing. No “Be nice, don’t roar, say hi…” etc. Nope, they knew what Threes did. They understood Nearly Sixes. And they saw that their boys were managing their selves in just-right-ways.

They shared their intent to find a place to live that allowed their children to grow up exploring as much of the natural world as possible–sticks and mud and trees. Forts and creeks and holes to dig. Critters and plants and flowers and vegetables. Less technology. More natural world. THIS I truly appreciated and let them know the gift to their boys this intent is.

They refrained from interrupting their boys’ explorations. They erred on quiet and watching–exactly right as these two pretended, created, imagined, exerted, and experienced their parents’ confidence in their ability to manage themselves.

And manage they did. From the ROAAARRRRS of Mister Three (oh, so exactly right for a preschooler!) to the ZOOMNG of Mister Nearly Six.

Time for me to move on with my walk…

“BYE!” with huge arm waves from Mister Nearly Six.

“ROOAAAARRRR!” with claws up from Mister Three.

And off we went, our separate ways.

Enjoy your day today! I am.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

www.denaliparentcoaching.com

Teaching Your Child to Read

June 15, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, School and education Comment

I had a grandparent, who is homeschooling their grandchild, ask me recently,“How do you teach a 5-year-old how to read? We read to our child a lot, which she enjoys. Do we use flash cards? Sight words? We are currently trying to get her to sound words out.”

I appreciate that this grandfather reached out. Reading is essential for learning all through life. Academically we’ve pushed down the “achievement” of reading to ages developmentally unready for this accomplishment. Here’s what I wrote to this grandparent:

I’m glad you’ve asked this question! I think your granddaughter is blessed to have grandparents so intimately involved in her life, helping her grow and learn. And your awareness of how crucial reading is and desire to be sure she IS a reader are equally blessings for her.

Reading is a developmental process and something that has not changed despite the efforts of society pushing academics down to younger ages. The fact is that age 8 is when reading typically “comes together” for a child. 3rd grade! This, of course, means at age 8 children are able to read, comprehend what they read, are able to express what they read. The whole package. And hopefully LOVE to read. This is key!

I love that you read to your granddaughter and that she enjoys it! This is the BEST thing you can be doing–sharing and enjoying books builds the love of reading which fuels her learning to read. And there is so much more you can do to build a foundation for a successful reader…

I encourage you to immerse her in literacy–meaning lots and lots of hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship-based, whole body experiences around all things books, words, letters, sounds. What does this look like?

Ideas for you:

Have plenty of picture (and appropriate chapter) books available to her at all times.
Be sure to role-model reading, yourself! And talk about stories; tell stories out loud.
Make sure she has a library card and uses it–and this may be creatively done, now with Covid-19, perhaps via playing library in your own home! Together make her a Grandparent House Library Card, and have fun creating a space in your house with a selection of books and have her practice checking them out, being responsible for them, returning them. PLAY. This is key.
Have lots of writing material available for her to freely engage in. We liked to have paper of different sizes and colors, pens, pencils, markers, ink stamps, etc always available. We had fun creating a shoebox mailbox and envelopes to “exchange letters”–which always encourages them to write and tell stories! Sometimes via pictures and this is just as important as words. Asking her to tell you about her drawing is wonderful, and then encouraging her to put a caption under it is certainly okay–“Would you like to write what it is under the picture so daddy can read it when he comes?” Letting go of whether she wants to or not is equally important.
Worry less about making letters or spelling words “right.” Inventive writing is the name of the game–all about her figuring out the sounds SHE hears and translating it to paper–it is amazing what they come up with! Let her freely write write write with little to no parameters. Inside-out learning! Now her thoughts can flow without the roadblock of writing things “right.”
Engage her in cooking at the counter and together “read” labels, ingredients, recipes. “Look! Here it tells us how many eggs. I see a T…what’s the next letter look like to you? W! yes! Oh…and then there is a (you pause…she studies…) O! T-W-O…I wonder what THAT says…” Then you show her one finger, two fingers…and pretty soon she “knows” TWO! You can do this all through your day–“I see a sign with an S! Do you?” “Can you find something that starts with a BBBBB–B?” “Going on a letter hunt….” Basically–all these letters and sounds–the more they are encased in play, the more your child will learn from the inside out. Make sense? FUN! And delicious, as you cook together 🙂
Limit all things screens–this I cannot reiterate enough.
Encourage her to write letters to others and mail them. She may want to draw only a picture, AND she can always sign her name. Practice practice from a fun angle. No pressure–“Are you going to sign with ALL your letters or just some?”
Sing songs. Really! Singing is a form of story telling that delights all.
NO need for flash cards–not in terms of intentionally “teaching her.” Instead, just have them available for play. Maybe play matching games with her–have two decks and take 10 or so of same letters and play concentration (you know, flip them over so letters can’t be seen then each of you take turns turning over two to see if they match…?) Or play a game of choosing one letter, placing it on the floor and then running all over the house finding things that have that letter in their name! No need to “correct” her when she says the ball she found to put next to the letter T has a T in it. Just go with it for now. Make it a game of listening to sounds together.
Sight words–again, that’s all about what is naturally around the house and when you are out and about. Recognizing a stop sign, exit sign, her name. Naturally memorizing a book and then reading it back to you on her own–she may not know each word, AND when kids can tell you the story through memory, this is an important building block for reading.
Make books! Kids her age often LOVE to fold construction paper, fill with blank pages inside and (perhaps with a chosen theme? Like the letter B?) draw, write, create a story. Sometimes we put the books together and then just had them out and available to fill. Sometimes they liked to create their own–mixing up sizes of paper and kinds of paper has a way of triggering even more creativity! Teeny books, big books, rectangle books, circle books… 🙂

When reading becomes a chore, kids grow to dislike reading. My husband, an elementary teacher for over 30 years, has seen many kids come to his third grade class resisting all things reading because it had been “forced” or pushed early on–too early, too hard.

Every child has their own timeline for reading. My youngest put it all together at age 9–prior to that she’d come to a screeching halt when she didn’t know a word. Would NOT go beyond it. She was a perfectionist and it “got in her way.” So what did we do? We read more and more, helped her “over” those unknown words, and then she fell in love with these super silly animal books at age 9 and PRESTO, she no longer worried about words she didn’t know. She is now working on her doctorate in Chemistry and reading books and articles that sound like a foreign language to me.

My eldest daughter’s deal was stubborness and control–because her mom (me!) was trying to “get” her to read (age 6 and 7). I had to back off. So at age 7 as I read to her every day we made a deal–she reads the first sentence of each chapter, I read the rest. I totally let go of trying to “get her” to read any more than that…and PRESTO! She relaxed, trusted I’d keep the deal, and soon she was so lost in books we STILL can’t get her “out” of one!!!! Ha. Hence the 12 banker-sized boxes of academic and pleasure books stacked in our garage awaiting her first home and the book-cases she intends to fill. Reading is a passion of hers, as is learning.

I hope this helps and I hope it inspires you as you look to creative ways to immerse your granddaughter in all things literacy through a play-based lens. I know schools are saying “read by 5!” This frustrates many–kids, parents, teachers alike–since it adds pressure that then displaces or removes just what kids need the most. To love reading!

I encourage you to TRUST the developmental process as you enrich your granddaughter’s environment through a literacy and play lens.”

Have fun!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Racism and Our Children

June 7, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

I appreciate this comic from Fowl Language that is in response to the protests that have defined our country following the unnecessary and cruel death of George Floyd. There are some very important things depicted here…:

The recognition that talking about racism is important.
The sharing of the media experience between parent and child.
The ability to put words to feelings.
And the need to talk about it despite it making someone sad or mad.

Young children need to be, to the best of their adult’s ability, protected from the intensity and the violence of recent; of any violence at any time. Think Mister Rogers. This is a time of talking about and looking for the helpers, empathizing, showing compassion. If they do get exposed, know that your ability to name and affirm their feelings, and exploring ways they might want to help are two things you can actively do. And did you know PLAY is essential for children to process feelings and experiences they don’t understand or have been greatly impacted by? Children work out so much of the HARD through play–being sure your child has time to do so is important.

And it is a perfect time while your children are young to expose them to the wonderful diversity of our world, to what fairness, acceptance, kindness are all about, and what it means to be equal. These little guys? They absorb EVERY thing you do and say. This is an essential time to be intentional with your words and actions. They are powerful and your little ones are watching and learning. Check out Embrace Race. They have wonderful resources parents can learn from and use.

Older children often do see and hear a tremendous amount of the goings on–whether you’ve shared with them directly or not. What I appreciate about this comic is the sad the child feels and the acceptance the parent shows…combined with the necessity to talk about things even if it brings hard feelings.

Talking about these difficult things requires us to PAUSE…and consider what we want our child to learn about racism, how much they are ready for, and how best to go about it. And to be aware of what helps our child be receptive to our words; when they need less or more from us.

It definitely requires honesty and gentleness that respects both your child and the topic. And our willingness to step into educating (ourselves, too), listening, reaching out to help others–this can be powerful role-modeling for children of all ages.

And it requires US to be as comfortable as possible in our child’s sadness or fear as we also talk honestly about racism. They may be sad, mad, confused–and now it is also time to help them process their big or unmanageable feelings. Always start by empathizing and affirming however they feel. Let them talk. Ask them questions to help them sort things out for themselves. Share ways people can help; brainstorm ways they’d like to help, things they’d like to do to understand racism further, to create positive change.

Children are amazing with ideas to productively move forward at times like these. We’ve seen it in responses to Covid-19. We can see it now, as well. Together you can decide what your family can do to make a stand for justice, fairness, acceptance, equality.

Racism is to be talked about. We can do this and we can be and need to be better. Share your ideas, what is working in your family as you, too, navigate the hard of our times.

Respectfully and hopefully,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Dump Trucks, Back Hoes and REAL Learning

May 10, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated Comment

A story for you that put a smile on MY face:

Toddler, Grandfather, wagon, and All Things Construction.

I came upon them on a morning walk and paused to enjoy the wide-eyed twinkle of Mr. Toddler as he watched the dump truck go BEEP BEEP BEEP as it backed up; listened to him exclaim, “ROCK!” as a load of rock tumbled out. His JOY over All Things Construction brought me joy, as well. Contagious!

And it brought back a million memories…

…of “BACK-HOE!” being nearly the first word of my eldest. Of course, it sounded like, “BUH!” and we knew exactly what she was talking about. Usually. It sometimes referred to the dog next door, Bubba…

…of the afternoons spent with Mr. N. and Miss L., two little ones in my care, watching the new road get put in around the block from our home. The surprise and JOY when the truck drivers honked; the total absorption in the scooping and dumping and whooshing of dirt; the “Can we walk to watch the dump trucks???” plea from both on a daily basis.

...of the hours spent in the middle of our kitchen floor with a tub of sand/rice/beans (whatever!)–contained in an inflatable pool since it was winter time and there was a lack of good digging to be had OUT-side–digging, driving our toy dump trucks, “BRRRRRRRR….DUUUUUUMP” sounds coming from whichever child was totally immersed in all things construction right there in our kitchen. Oh, and how this play led to the doll getting into the middle of it then of COURSE needing a bath, so now water was included, and all the dirt/sand/rice/peas or whatever got mixed in and now it was CEMENT to build houses or maybe a house for the baby, oh, she needs a towel and now she’s hungry…

…of my own daughters knowing the difference between a side dump, belly dump, back dump truck and often correcting ME as we spotted them on our drives to and from where-ever. Not to mention how they knew the proper names of every piece of equipment and how it took work for me to keep up with them!

…of how I could use the “Shall we drive by the back hoes working or do you want to go see if the mountain of gravel has gotten any higher” suggestions as a way of expediting the leaving of a friend’s house or speed up the inevitable S-L-O-W process of dressing following a swim lesson. And it worked, more often than not. The excitement over checking in on various construction sites and all our stories and conversations as a result usually had my kids speeding up whatever process I was trying to move them through.

…of the hours spent OUT-side when it wasn’t mightily cold sitting atop whatever pile of topsoil there was, driving trucks, scooping dirt, making roads, DUUUMMMPPING, filling, BEEP BEEP BEEPing…and coming in all muddy, ready for a warm bath and more water play then something yummy for their tummies…

...of the tons of library books we checked out that was about All Things Trucks and the hours pored over each page, talking about how it was just like what we saw in our neighborhood, or if daddy was going to use a backhoe for OUR project, or if on our next drive in the car we can find workers up in a Cherry Picker, too! And “Oh! Are they picking REAL cherries?” And on and on…

…of how we never had to rely on devices to entertain our kids on our long or short car trips. Ever. Well, they weren’t a choice, either, for they didn’t exist :-). I’m grateful they weren’t, because if so, I, too, may have fallen into the “plug ’em in” mode to get some peace and quiet.

And I’d have missed and never known all the rich and wonderful conversation, ideas, stories, and made-up songs that inevitably emerged from watching out the car windows and spotting just about EVERY thing there was to see.

I’d have missed and never known how that would then spark my kids in regards to their play, or their library book choice, or the rehashing for daddy when he came home from work. And how we’d then sing again those made-up songs as we marched along each day…:-)

Here’s the wonderful thing about all of this–and just think, all of this came from spotting that little boy with his wagon today–the LEARNING that is happening.

REAL learning. Hands on, Sensory and Language Rich,

Relationship-based, Whole Body LEARNING.

The kind that grows brains in optimal ways. The kind that builds relationships. The kind that has children imagining, creating, thinking, processing, focusing–all things ESSENTIAL for school and wanting to learn even more. For being successful in school! And life. Oh yes, and life.

Today, be in the moment with your child. They are natural and eager observers. Learn from them. Watch and be delighted by what they notice and how it has them feeling, what it has them doing. The joyful twinkles in the toddler’s eyes with his wagon warmed my heart. JOY, incredulous-ness, AWE, and even a bit of caution as that dump truck BEEPED and DUMPED and all that rock went TUMBLING down.

And off he went pulling his wagon with his Grandpa alongside, happily marching through the puddles and winding around the big rocks, and soaking up his outdoor time. Grandpa, too. Quietly and respectfully.

Lovely.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

The Simple Pleasures…

April 23, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Social Emotional Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and enjoyed…

…the two young babies sitting on their individual parent’s laps at a public play place…and watching them catch each other’s eye and SPARKLE at each other! Their smiles and full body wiggles and total delight in discovering each other was a joy to see. Watching the two parents notice and appreciate how their young babies interacted was equally delighted in

…the Papa who “flew” his 5-month-old chasing his 4-year-old around this play place. What was noticed was the baby’s obvious joy in all things CHASE (especially after a favorite and familiar sibling…). What was appreciated was how the Papa “flew” gently, checking in with baby regularly to be sure this game was as delighted by him as it was his 4-year-old brother!

…the group of 7-9-year-olds at a campground–roaring around on their bikes, calling out to each other, “watch me watch me!” as they did wheelies over mounds of dirt and skidded around their feet as they braked…their presence to each other, their energy, their loudly contested “NO, it was only your FRONT wheel that got air!” or “Uh uh! BOTH my wheels got air!”...all enjoyed by me as I appreciated the outdoor time and freedom to just be 7, 8, and 9-years-old

…the same group of kids gathered at the end of the dock early one morning, fishing poles in hand, jostling each other, watching intently over the edge, sharing “fish” stories that seemed to get bigger and grander with each telling…

…the 8-year-old girl totally immersed in playing in a bit of sand…all by herself…digging, piling, now and again glancing up to see what other kids were doing…then back to her sand creations. Immersed, lost in her play, no one telling her what or how to do anything.

I so enjoyed and appreciated the time and space all of these children had to just be KIDS.

To play, explore, get lost in thought, delight in each other. To be self-directed and imaginative. No adults obviously in the mix. Around, yes. Aware, yes. But totally out of the way…

...giving way for just what kids need lots of–free, non-adult-directed PLAY. Even the infants were given the opportunity to respectfully and with great joy experience one another.

THIS is relationship building.

Lovely. Here’s to all of you perhaps caught up in the craziness of daily life–pause for a moment and take a look around. Notice what you can appreciate right now. And notice how it feels to do so!

If you enjoy “Noticed and Appreciated” stories, here’s another for you: https://www.justaskalice.org/2018/06/07/noticed-and-appreciated-so-much-learning/

Alice
Author of “Parenting Inspired” and “PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection”
PCI Certified Parent Coach® and ScreamFree Certified Leader
©2018 Alice Hanscam

So Many Ways To Play!

March 14, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology Comment

I was so discouraged by an article in the NYTimes with a pediatrician putting a stamp of approval on way more screen time right now, as we live through our pandemic and all the restrictions, demands, chaos, CHANGE it requires.. There is SO much more we can do! Saving screen use for when you are truly at the end of your rope keeps it where it needs to stay–minimal, balanced, managed. It is clear to me PLAY needs to come to the forefront once again.

Ideas for indoor PLAY for you:

…make an obstacle course via furniture, pillows, whatever you want, and challenge your kids to it. Or rather, set your kids off to make one for YOU! Or for each other. Hand over a timer for them to see how fast they can navigate it…or how slow…or by crawling or going backwards or…

…bring that wading pool indoors–empty, of course–and then put a tub in the middle of it filled with whatever you like–water, sand, beans, dirt, snow. Add something to dig with or fill or wash and you have wonderful “messy” play contained in that wading pool.

…piles of cushions, add a few chairs, maybe a table and you have fort making material! A blanket or two, maybe a great big cardboard box or multiple small ones. So much play emerges from these! Forts are for hiding in, playing in, curling up with a pile of books within.

…pull out dress-up clothes! Remember those? Shoes, boots, hats, capes, aprons, dresses. Or maybe give them paper bags and tape and let them create their own, as our girls’ often did.

…strip your kids down (or not), let them use their tempera (washable!) paints in the bathtub. Our girls loved to stand in the tub and cover the tile and tub with all kinds of designs and colors…then all you have to do is turn on the water and presto! It all goes down the drain. Though if your kids are like mine, they’ll first fill the tub with water and watch it turn brown with all the colors mixed, languish a bit, then watch it swish down the drain. Showers follow! Oh the fun!

…make a pot of playdough and add some butter knives, cut-up straws, toy animals. Or put a selection of ingredients like baking soda, vinegar, cereal bits, flour, old seasonings and water on a tray on the table and let them mix and create.

…set up the camping tent in the middle of the room. Add a few flashlights and sleeping bags and step back. Watch the play that emerges! Maybe the next day a saucepan, spoon and snacks are added for “cooking” over a “campfire.”

…take time after kids are asleep to uniquely set up some of their toys–we used to take all their plastic animals and make them parade somewhere unusual…and when our kids discovered them the next day, it triggered so much imaginative play!

…another tub fun is shaving cream…:-)

…include your children in whatever needs to get done–cooking, cleaning, laundry. Children often willingly want to mix, sort, scrub, “play” in the soapy dish water.

…BOOKS! Read read read read read. MUSIC! Sing, dance, hop, jump, twirl. Audio books!!! Listen and delight together (or let them on their own).

…hand over pencil and paper and maybe a few envelopes and get the letter writing started. Or maybe just markers and scissors and glue. Take a shoebox and cut a slit in the top and declare it to be your mailbox–let your kids mail you wonderful little bits of things they make!

…pull out games. Board games, card games, marble games, jump-roping games, made up games.

…stuffed animals, dolls, puppets, a puppet show! Get the pretend doctor kit out (or let your kids create their own) and take care of sick stuffed guys.

…use that shoebox as the start of a play-kit–maybe make it a medical one or maybe one for creating something fun. Add glue, tape, popsicle sticks perhaps, whatever you’ve got that kids can create with. If you go medical theme, add bandaids, cotton balls, pretend medicine, whatever you can think of (or they think of). Theme up a box and let the exploration and fun unfold.

...bake, cook, create recipes. Set your kids up to make their own snacks and lunches so you don’t have to.

…Lego, blocks, puzzles, duplos, dollhouses, dolls. Face painting! We loved setting up a mirror low enough for kids, giving them facepaint, and being oh-so-surprised with what they created on themselves!

…and yes, OUTDOORS. Go outside as much as possible, even if it just in your yard or around the block. The outdoors offers endless play–from watching clouds, to following critter footprints in the snow, to splashing in puddles, swinging, climbing, playing tag, building forts, sledding, taking a walk…use a real camera, hand over a magnifying glass, ride bikes…

There are so many things to do! I hope you’ll share your ideas here, as well. Everyone needs encouragement as we find ourselves more and more sequestered at or near home. Screen-time does not have to be the default, for (as many of you know) the more we use it, the harder our job gets. So let’s focus on healthy PLAY.

And remember…take time for YOU, in little bits if that’s all you can do. Breathe deeply. Enjoy your favorite hot drink. Stand extra long in a hot shower. Pause and just watch as your child is engrossed in play.

Here’s to all of you during this crazy time!

Respectfully and with JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

www.denaliparentcoaching.com

Let’s Talk Play

March 1, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, School and education, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

Let’s talk play. And schools. And all things essential for children to grow well and optimally, to THRIVE.

It’s increasingly discouraging and concerning that the “new norm” for schools and many parents is that our younger children–think preschool through 3rd grade–see “seat work” and screen technology as what SHOULD be what school and learning is all about.

Thank you to Creative Child for their poster

It isn’t.

And now I’ve recently learned how school districts have embraced play to be even LESS of a part of Kindergarten. Some to the extent of declaring NO play.

We’ve seen the push of inappropriate academics into lower and lower grades–inappropriate due to its demand for younger children to sit still longer, have incredible fine-motor skills as they navigate “seat work”, be exposed to screens regularly despite the American Academy of Pediatrics (and many early child development professionals, teachers, and the like) saying NO or LESS or ONLY within a rich, hands-on learning experience. To have shorter, if any, recess.

Here’s what I’m hearing about and seeing as a result of play–hands on, sensory and language rich, whole body and relationship based experiences–being displaced and even removed from schools:

~ 5-year-old boys being labeled ADHD because they cannot sit still at length to do this seat work being asked of them. It is normal for 5-year-old boys (and many little girls, too) to be unable to sit at length–they need to move move move. And yet, because we are demanding they SIT and have also removed much of their natural explorations via play and outdoor time (recess, dramatic play “corners”, blocks, games…), they of course are even more noticeably wiggly, distracted, “mis”-behaving, being seen as a problem and now labeled ADHD. Among other things.

~ Parents now struggling even more with their children. Think trying to get your 5 or 6-year-old to sit even MORE once they are home to do the homework they are now coming home with. Frustrations. Anger. Reactivity. Relationship depleting. Not the way to grow children excited to go to school, to learn, to be curious, creative, able to problem solve, read, etal…

~ Stress, depression, “mis” behavior increasing through the years for our children. Without the foundation of healthy living and learning, environments that support the play and exploration they need, our kids experience more and more stress on their young minds and bodies. Not a way to build for future healthy teens and adults.

~ Children labeled “behind” and needing special help if they aren’t reading when they leave Kindergarten. THIS is an entire post to be written about. Especially the HOW to “get them to read.” We’ve somehow forgotten that the average age of putting it all together reading-wise is 8. We’ve somehow forgotten that immersing them in all things literature from reading to and with them, telling stories, discovering what sparks them, giving them the respect of time and lots and lots of exposure to all things literature is often “enough.” Not always, but often. We WANT our children to WANT to read! Worth taking time to do so…

~ Teachers leaving the profession due to the continual and often detrimental choices being made by administrations that demand more and more of what many know is undermining our children’s emotional, physical, and mental health. These very teachers are the ones needed to mentor the younger teachers coming in who have often never experienced what a healthy and appropriate learning environment is for children. What it actually LOOKS like.

~ “No play” also translates to a lack of the essential and top priority social emotional growth our young children need in order to have the healthy foundation to continue through school as avid learners. THIS is essential, the social emotional–the working through feelings, friendship challenges, growing empathy and compassion, feeling meaningfully connected to others. Without this? Talk about a cracked foundation from which all else is expected to grow in solid ways.

~ Curriculum standards that are asking all teachers throughout a district to be on the exact same page in math or science or reading as every other teacher of the same grade. To expect that they can be. What a way to see our children as a mechanistic being–put in “ABC” and you’ll get out “DEF” no matter what. But they aren’t. They are humans. Sometimes they come to school hungry, sad, having lost a pet or a parent or just had nightmares and didn’t sleep or have some incredibly important story to share…and teachers WANT to be able to spend time on these important-to-children things. To pause in teaching a certain lesson at a certain time and talk about loss. Or friendships. Or listen to a child tell a story about something they saw that they are just bursting to tell. Talk about REAL and meaningful learning. Totally relationship building. And often lost in the midst of current curriculum standards.

I could go on. I often think about how test scores are driving everything, and that this translates into increasing “seat work” and decreasing or eliminating what children need plenty of time to do in order to learn well…

PLAY. Explore. Tousle. Debate. Get messy. MOVE. Create. Imagine.

Immerse themselves into play that has them feeling inspired to then draw pictures, write, tell stories, share, converse.

WANT to wait and listen because their teacher has more to tell them about something they are sparked about.

“Do” math by building with blocks, Legos, puzzles, creating patterns, counting out all the seashells, beads, bits of anything.

WANT to spend at length working on a book THEY write with their “inventive writing” and pictures and verbal telling of them.

Actually “sit still” as they get immersed in a story being read…and danced to, acted out about, discussed, laughed over.

I think about how my daughters’ first grade teacher had SO much going on in her classroom that had the kids moving around constantly (just what they needed), with hands-on experiences, lots of talk and song and activity. THEN she’d have them sit for 10-20 minutes doing “seat work”–and they COULD, because this was all it was and following so much wonderful movement. And was followed by even more “get up and go”!

I think about Steve Jobs and Bill Gates and many others who excel at all things technology (which seems to be one of the reasons so much “academia” is being pushed down, for kids to be able to “keep up” with our new world)–coming from a childhood filled with PLAY and exploration. Not screens. Not “reading by age 5.”

I think a lot (probably too much, I know!). And I encourage each and every one of you to stand strong and clear in your conviction that your children need plenty of time to PLAY. To go to a school environment rich in hands on, language and sensory rich, relationship based experiences. To have every possible opportunity to be enriched from a developmentally appropriate curriculum offered in your schools.

Let your school board know what you think. Let your school district know what you want. Be proactive. Share with other parents. Find out what others are experiencing. Talk to your children’s teachers. Stand up for the health of your children, your families, our communities.

It is essential.

Thank you for listening,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Important Moments in the Day of a Baby

February 29, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Important moments in the day of a baby…

Diaper changes! Oh so many. The time we take to talk, sing, engage them in the process is so respectful–slow down and use this time to connect meaningfully with your little one. So much learning can occur with our respectful, gentle, engaged presence at the changing table. And when you have a crawler or roller on your hands who cannot stay still for even a second? Humor. Lightheartedness. Patience. Creative songs and fun things to look at. And maybe some naked time. And maybe even a bit of a wrestling match followed by, “See? We are all done! Thank you for getting your diaper on. Now we can…”

Nourishment…nursing, bottles, table food. Time for snuggles, full presence, gentle touching and language rich exchanges. And joy! Talking them through the new textures, the full tummy sensations, the burps, the variety of foods they try–language language language, ever so important.

Meal time becomes together time. And then they learn to throw, squish, poke, spit, feed the dog awaiting at the base of their high-chair. Know that this is still a valuable learning experience all about food and independence and in-charge-of-ME time. Patience! Extra wash cloths required. Sometimes extraction from high chair necessary. And eating/drinking being “all done…” Cup goes up to the counter and dog gets put outside…or allowed, like ours was, to take care of the mess left behind…

Transitions to sleep–a time to feel heard–“I’m tired! Help me settle. A time to be shown care and love and respect as they learn to shut out all the stimuli and drift off. A time to feel safe and secure and close to you, their needs fully met. A time for an understanding (and probably equally exhausted) parent tuned in to whether the cries they hear are needing immediate attention or a time to pause…listen for natural settling…and peek through a cracked door just to make sure all is well…a time to let your little one know they CAN let sleep come…

Floor time–to move freely, stretch, reach, roll, grasp, explore and examine. A time to grow their self-directed, choice driven nature. A time for us to respect by letting them explore safely, communicating our confidence in their ability to engage them selves in play. A time for us to be quietly present, able to respond and converse when our little one is ready. No need for lots of toys–babies learn best by exploring a simple environment.

Singing and conversation and dancing and reading and the outdoors. Those wonderful moments you spend fully engaged in give and take with your little one. Whether for only a moment (“You see the chickadee!”), or at length (book after book after book!), when you are tuned in to your baby’s joy and curiosity growth can be exponential.

Little moments in the life of a baby. Your full and respectful

presence at these times provides your little one with

the experiences needed to grow well.

No need to create moments–they can happen all day long through the care-giving that defines a baby’s day, through your awareness of their rhythm, through simple, slower, gentler exchanges. Patience, resilience, a light sense of humor (and a good nights sleep) can help us embrace these little moments fully.

The little moments. They are the foundation.

Another article about all things BABY you can find here: https://www.justaskalice.org/2018/06/04/to-cry-or-not-to-cry/

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Wiggles and Giggles!

February 21, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology, Story Time! Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and enjoyed…

The father and three children (ages 4 to 8) in a local ice-cream shop totally engaged with each other playing Rock, Paper, Scissors…

The giggles, the glee, the twinkles in the dad’s eyes as yet again he somehow got swallowed up by paper, cut by scissors, pounded by rocks. Another hand game followed–unfamiliar to me–that had the kids negotiating with each other, the dad learning, the entire family focused on each other. The climbing on laps, the up and down and back and forth, the JOY. Truly a delight and what wonderful deposits into all their relationships.

Dad communicated fully “You matter to me.”

And the children glowed.

The family of four in a local restaurant, a young teen and toddler. No technology on the table…

…including cell phones, tablets, you name it. Just the four of them talking, sharing food, laughing. The interactions with the toddler were a delight to watch–his teen-aged sister included him in conversation, eyes big and wide, smiling and engaging him, taking his 2-year-old input quite seriously. Mom obviously found real joy in watching two-year-old antics, listening to teen ideas and concerns…and dad? He planted himself next to his toddler absorbing all the goings on calmly and peacefully. They left the restaurant hand in hand. Lovely to see, heartwarming to watch.

The grandfather who lit up as he shared about raising his 6-year-old grand-daughter…

Despite the reasons being rather unhappy, he has embraced this as the gift and opportunity it is. I delighted in his sharing of how meaningful this is, how his patience has grown in extraordinary ways, of how deeply connected he feels. He talked about how he and his wife, once a bit at odds with parenting, feel quite the team. The LIGHT in his face and eyes, the bounce in his step as he talked about his grand-daughter’s antics, her absorption in books, the adventures they go on…all of it left me feeling what a blessed little girl to have landed in such a loving, joyful, secure, connected family. And what a gift to grand-dad, for this has brought real meaning and joy into his life–and he, and his granddaughter are thriving.

Put your attention to what you can appreciate,

to greeting everything as an opportunity, to simply

connecting with those you are with.

Notice the joy that fills you.

Look around today, find the moments that put a smile on your face, appreciate the wiggles and giggles of certain ages, the resilience and patience of a parent (or grandparent!) in the midst of chaos. Simply notice.

And then pay attention to how you feel as a result…and how this benefits those around you. I think you may like what you discover–your children certainly will. Intentionally make it an appreciative, joyful day…week…hour.

Enjoy wiggle stories? Here’s another: A Story of Boys and Their Wiggles

With appreciation for all of you,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Campground JOY

November 17, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Story Time! Comment

Something I love is watching young children and engaging with them 🙂 . It brings me real JOY. Spending time on the road with my husband lends me many opportunities to do so–from campground to campground. Two short little stories for you that still delight me as I reflect on them:

An exuberant 4.5 year old boy. Me. I was sitting propped up at one of the only electrical outlets there was charging my computer and writing. Preschooler shows up nearby with his Mama and little brother. Rocks climbed. Rocks knocked off of rocks. Up, down, jumping. Mr. 4.5 looks over and sees me.

“Whatya doing?”

“I’m working! Soon I’m going to be done and go play.”

“Whatya going to play?”

“Ohhh…probably climbing on rocks and jumping….”

“That’s what I’M doing! Watch!” And again he climbs, jumps, and looks at me. “You have very strong muscles to move those rocks and climb so high to jump!” He grins and immediately begins all over again. Happily involved with his rock play. What better play IS there in a campground?! I so appreciated Mama, who stayed back and watched the work of her two little boys.

Mr. Exuberant 4.5 and I chatted a bit more about what he can do and he talked about camping here, and how daddy was cleaning and packing up cuz they were going home. Then, “You can come to MY house if you want!”

Me, “Oh! I like to play at houses….” and at the same time, as soon as he happily declared I could come play, he ducked around the side of the building and hollered out, “NEVER MIND!” Equally exuberantly from the Shy Perspective 🙂 .

I chuckled to myself…his sudden realization of “Oh my gosh I just invited a stranger and I’m suddenly super shy and don’t quite know what to do”...and I called out, “I wonder if you have Lego at your house? I have some at mine. I like to build with Legos!” I figured Lego is pretty universal…

And the wonderful magic started all over again…Mr. 4.5 back tracked, peered around the corner and said, “You DO? I do, too!” And then just as quickly he retreated…headed back towards his campsite…paused….then hollered over his shoulder, “MY NAME IS MICHAEL!” and off he dashed.

I called out equally loud, “MY NAME IS ALICE!” End of story. I so enjoyed how happily open and engaged he began, how he retreated, and how he “reached out” once again in a way he felt safe. Mama and I exchanged smile and off they all went.

A bit later (and this is story number two), I was walking through the campground and saw a Daddy setting up camp, his 3-year-old daughter standing near, water bottle clutched in one arm, special stuffed guys in another. Her big eyes watched me carefully as I neared. I smiled and waved. She watched. I said, “You have Special Stuffed Guys!” She watched me carefully–so different from Mr. Exuberant 4.5, and equally “engaged” in the way she felt safe–clutching her guys and staying near her Daddy.

Daddy smiled. Looked at his daughter and said to me, “She has TWO special guys and one is an elephant!” I paused. I smiled at her and said, “Oh! An elephant!” (making my elephant trumpeting noise…hoping to get a smile…to no avail….). So I tried a slightly different tact, “We had Special Guys at our house, too. A kitty and a horse. YOU have an elephant!” And then I kept on moving past, Daddy said good-bye, I waved.

And then the ever-so-brief and equally wonderful magic occurred. Miss 3? She adjusted her water bottle to her other arm with her Special Guys, keeping her eyes on me the entire time, then waved. AND smiled. I walked backwards and continued my waving to her, she continued her bright-eyed smile and little wave back at me. It filled my heart.

Oh how wonderful! By simply engaging from a “sideways” manner of talking less to HER and more just about my daughters’ special guys, she felt safe enough to respond. Just like Mr. Exuberant 4.5 who, though ever-so-openly engaged initially, found his comfort zone behind a wall and discovering Lego was a favorite of mine…

It fills me, this connection with little ones. Today I hope you’ll pause enough to truly connect with another. Little ways or big ways. Notice and appreciate and be present to the bits of magic that happen ever-so-briefly at times. It truly can bring you JOY.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

What Have You Noticed?

November 11, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Story Time! Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and enjoyed…

...The snowsuit clad 3-year-old, arms spread wide, flying his way down the snowy sidewalk behind his mother and 2 dogs. He paused as we neared each other…then proceeded to demonstrate just the right noises for an airplane, passed his mother by, and banked around the corner flying his way down the path. His mother was thoroughly engaged with her son, enjoying his flying, encouraging it, and laughing her way along their ‘walk.’ Loved it. Especially her full presence to all that was unfolding…

…My friend who intentionally shared with me her observation of a 9-month-old at a basketball game. Rather than focusing on the game, she found herself enthralled with the infant who, with arms spread wide and hands wiggling back and forth, was intent on reaching a jiggling silver pom pom nearby. My friend shared how intensely focused he was, his whole body engaged in watching and reaching–you know, the wiggling arms and hands, bobbing head, bouncing legs…it brought her joy to watch, it brought me joy to hear about it. And the baby’s parents? They caught on and began to engage their son in a game of touch the pom pom and shake shake shake…and the joy spread.

…A preschooler who spent time on my floor totally involved in sorting pattern blocks, pieces of straws, and pegs into a muffin tin. Her focus and her sorting (by color) was fascinating to watch…her joy at accomplishment, followed by promptly dumping it all out into yet another container to mix and “make muffins!” put a smile on my face. And then she found my rubber maid cupboard…container after container pulled out and filled. Totally fun. Self-directed. Completely immersed in her own thoughts and ideas. Fabulous.

What have you appreciated and enjoyed of recent?

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Moments of Real Connection

October 4, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Story Time! Comment

Simple things noticed and enjoyed:

…A certain 7-year-old TOTALLY enthralled with both his magnifying glass and his microscope and the way cool innards of bugs looks and anything else he can possibly collect and examine. Some things not to be mentioned for they might just gross you out. Ha.

…The 8-year-old who dug into his pockets and came up with a penny for another little boy to participate in the coin toss into the spiral tube. The first little boy had no more coins and was disappointed…the 8-year-old, totally unrelated and with his own family, noticed–and then, on his own, came over and helped. This ability to observe and be helpful and kind is simply lovely. And it happens often–and is easy to miss if WE don’t take the time to notice, ourselves…

…A certain 23-month-old whose story telling leaves the rest of us completely enthralled–his eyes light up, he signs and verbalizes and expresses with incredible gusto. The latest story? “Papa” (verbalized) along with the sign for BOAT, demonstrating with great emphasis how Papa carried it over his head with his friend…how friend said “DROP” (verbalized with inclusion of arms swinging down and knees a-bouncing) and “Papa” (verbalized) DROPPED the boat (signed)…Then great chuckles and falling on the floor just like the boat fell down. Oh the stories! Oh the story telling! What joy.

…The 20-something-year-old sisters tearing up with each other as they had to part ways for another six months. The joy this spreads through my heart as I watch them love each other is incredible. Especially knowing how many very tumultuous years they had as they fought their way through clothing/bathroom/hurt feeling wars..

…The teen-aged boy who noticed the fascination of a toddler as he and his friends played catch. This teen? He came on over to Mr. Toddler, knelt down, and asked, “Would you like to play ball with us?” Mr. Toddler paused…looked at his Mama who smiled at him…looked back at the teen and nodded with his whole body . Off they went together to play catch…what a kind and respectful interaction…how cool that a teenager noticed AND offered…and followed through so respectfully. Fun!

...The 5-year-old who is always “out striping” a favorite adult friend. Striped undies, striped t-shirt covered by striped long sleeve shirt. Pants with stripes up the sides, socks with stripes, and then (of course!) face paint stripes on tummies and faces! Oh the JOY of comparing stripes with his grown-up friend…counting, laughing, finding even more hidden in patterns on shirts.

Simple moments. Moments of real connection. Relationship-building moments!

These moments can get missed so easily as we rush around in our busy and full lives. Take time today to PAUSE…observe…and SEE them. Or better yet, find yourself in the midst of a moment that leaves you feeling wonderfully connected with another.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

The Importance of PLAY!

September 19, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

What can you do for your child that can…

…improve their focused attention?

…help them be content without your constant attention?!

…support and grow their ability to succeed in school?

…spark their imagination and curiosity?

…productively and more likely positively negotiate with others?

…problem solve their way through many a struggle?

It really is quite simple…

PLAY.

The very BEST kind–uninterrupted, plenty of time, non-adult directed, few to no screens, outdoors when possible, indoors with open ended “toys” that perhaps aren’t toys at all. Natural items, for sure. Dolls. Blocks. Crayons. Paint. Play dough. Boxes! BOOKS. Flashlights…Forts! Lego. Leaf piles to JUMP in! Puddles to splash. Pretend pretend pretend.

EXPLORATION.

Asking questions, being curious, wondering wondering wondering, looking and finding and wondering all over again. Testing, trying, struggling, failing, testing, trying once again. Getting dirty. Getting clean. Running hopping skipping biking triking skateboarding dancing–what ELSE can I make my body DO?! Sitting. Thinking. Musing over ideas. Being bored! Mixing and pouring and baking…tasting and tweaking and sharing.

CREATIVITY.

Imagination, ideas galore, dress up, costumes, arts and crafts. Glue! Tape. What can I make today? Blankets and tables to make forts. Pillow mountains! Sticks and rocks and moss become little Elf Houses. Games! Made up ones. Board ones. Card ones. Secret Clubs. Friends and instruments and a band! Watching clouds. Whispering together. Writing letters, plays, stories. More arts and crafts–designing, beading, sketching, sewing, knitting, quilting.

TIME.

Just think of all that is learned! Collaboration. Problem solving. Ability to focus–at LENGTH!

Self-direction…just what is needed to become a responsible, successful adult. “My ideas are valued and respected.” “I am a capable and competent person!”

Large and fine motor skills fully developing. Language and conversation and comprehension expands exponentially! “I am a creative person!” “I can DO this!” “I am listened to and heard.”

Self-regulation–“I know how and what I feel and need; I know how to manage that well!” Independence! “I’m in charge of ME and I am responsible for ME.”

So SO much is learned when we give our children the space and time to do what they do best. PLAY.

Play. Exploration. Creativity. Give your child the gift of TIME.

They deserve it and so do you.

Enjoy!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Simple Moments…Truly Relationship-Building

August 15, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! 2 Comments

Simple moments noticed and appreciated:

The dad who was enjoying the **bounce** that defined his 4-year-old daughter as she practiced her galloping skills in Walmart…

The parent respectfully and patiently waiting as his son was touching and counting each different bag of dog food before choosing the kind they came for…

The mama who, as her very frustrated and back-arching and giant tears 11-month-old let it be known just how MAD he felt, sat calmly nearby, stopping him from doing the unsafe crawling into Big Brother’s Swing Zone, and said, “You are really frustrated. You wanted to crawl over by Big Brother and I stopped you because it wasn’t safe.” That’s all. She waited, and rubbed his back, and waited some more. Then, “You are still upset. I can see that.” And waited some more. Slowly he stopped his Great Big Cry, crawled up onto her lap, checked in, and then happily, contentedly went on his way…

The dad curled up on a chair at the library with his daughter nestled in his lap–thoroughly absorbed in stories…

The mama who trailed ever-so-slowly alongside her young son, trudging ever-so-happily through mucky mud, poking with a stick, splashing and splooshing through the very soggy ground…and then plunking himself down in the biggest of the puddles…with mama nearby, watching, knowing full well there was a set of dry clothes inside their camper….

The mama who respected her toddler’s “outoftheway” statement as he moved out of the way on the zoo path, awaiting others to pass him by…she waited (‘outoftheway’) patiently until her little one decided the coast was clear and together they moved on along the path…

The dad and mom who, on request of their 9-year-old son, happily joined in on first a tag game, then a hide and seek game–all around a friend’s house laughing and hiding and carrying on. What a wonderful deposit into their relationship with their son…

The mom who joined in playfully as her son tried to go FAST down the store aisle. She gathered him up in her arms and together they jogged s.l.o.w.l.y, laughter over taking them both!

The teens who noticed the toddler watching their ball game and came to him, knelt down, and asked if he’d like to play ball, too. And off he toddled with the teens who then adjusted their play to include a 2-year-old in just the right way.

The young preschooler with eyes all alight as an unknown and friendly adult shared (and showed!) how the rabbit this adult just watched in the woods wiggled its nose, rubbed its face, scratched its tummy…and soon this young preschooler? He was doing the Rabbit Dance as he, too, wiggled his nose, rubbed his face, scratched his tummy…

The young adults who stepped up in front of a large crowd at their G’mom’s Celebration of Life, sharing stories of their own about their G’mom and how she delighted in important-to-them things in life. Such as Beanie Baby Collections, Harry Potter books, eating yummy desserts, good-looking actors on posters plastered on bedroom walls…the LIGHT in these young adults’ eyes as they shared filled many people’s hearts as we all reflected on how special G’mom was…connection at its best.

Presence. Joy. Connection. Simple moments. They are powerful.

Simple moments like these are deposits into healthy and positive relationships. Simple moments like these give children the connection and space necessary to grow well.

Simple moments. Let them fill your day.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

YOUR (Future) Amazing Adult!

July 30, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Self-care Comment

What could be different if you set your sight on growing an amazing adult–one who is creative, a problem solver, self-assured, responsible, respectful, compassionate, self-directed…?

How then might you respond to the spilled cups of milk, the paint all over everything except the paper, the toe-dragging to do homework, the tantrum in the store, the flamboyant clothing style, the intentional arrival home after curfew?

I think:

...the spilled milk could become an opportunity for discovering what method of clean up works best–sponge (squish!), mop, rag…and an opportunity for practicing pouring a bit more all by themselves…an opportunity to experiment with different kinds of cups to discover what may work better. Or maybe just to discover that they are all done with their milk and Mama is a bit exasperated and everyone (including Mama) gets to take a time out to regroup… 🙂 This is REAL learning from the inside out.

…the paint that has escaped the paper in bucket fulls?! A wonderful chance to play with how colors mix, how effective brushes are (or aren’t!) to ‘scoop’ the paint back to the paper, what happens as you bring water and a rag to the situation. Oh, and don’t forget the chance to watch as the rag is squished over the sink and the colors that flow down the drain! All of this, of course, with the understanding that ON the paper the paint needs to be…and perhaps painting will retreat to the bathtub for future endeavors… 🙂 And isn’t Mama good at acting-as-if she is calm and cool as perhaps the paint just gets put away and “we can try again another day”?

...the toe-dragging over homework? An opportunity to discover what happens at school the next day when they choose to not do their homework. An opportunity to discover that their choice to stall leaves them no time to join the family after-dinner game. Or that they can count on a good snack and your company as they work hard at getting their math sheet DONE. An opportunity to discover what is really important to them, what they like and don’t like, what is their responsibility and is not…again, REAL learning from the inside out that will strengthen them continually as they grow.

…the tantrum could be come an opportunity to learn it is okay to feel mad, that they can count on mom or dad to keep it together when they cannot, that a tantrum doesn’t work to get the candy they’d hoped for, that they DO know how to calm themselves and try again. A chance to learn a bit more about how to manage all their BIG and necessary feelings. A chance for you to count to a hundred multiple times in a row…and remind yourself this, too, shall pass and that YOU deserve a bit of self-care.

...flamboyant clothing (or hair, or…!) becomes an opportunity to explore their identity–to discover how they like or don’t like their friends’ response to their clothing choice, to figure out on their own if attention from the opposite sex really is appreciated, to find out that wearing a poofy and frilly Easter dress and party shoes really inhibits playtime on the playground…or maybe not, since what they like the most is sitting on a bench talking with friends. Perhaps an opportunity to, as you really do say NO to a choice, team up with you and use their independent, creative ideas to brainstorm acceptable choices they feel express who they are. And now it’s an opportunity to explore WHO they are, separate from you. Just what they need lots of opportunities for!

...coming home after curfew becomes an opportunity to discover just what is their responsibility…to find out that having the chance to go out with friends the next night has just been jeopardized…that they get to miss out on something important to them…or an opportunity to collaborate with US as to just what needs to be different for a successful night out. An opportunity to connect with us in such a way that they feel heard and can get upset with us–that their mad is okay, too.

What does all of this require from us?

Staying calm and connected. Self-care so we can be (calm and connected). Letting go of our desire to control and make our children obey and instead recognizing in order to grow a truly self-directed, responsible adult, it is our job to embrace all the tests and problems tossed at us as opportunities for learning and growth. Theirs AND ours.

Becoming clear about just what we want the most. To take the time to think about that future adult we intend to grow and know. To consider what we are doing right now to encourage them in this direction. To let a PAUSE give you the chance to think less about solving the immediate “problem” and instead respond based on what it is you want the most–whether it is “down the road” or right now as you work hard at getting out the door in one piece.

Patience and consistency–essential for guiding our children well. Difficult, challenging, exhausting–yes. But worth every ounce of your energy–and the occasional babysitter–for the result is an adult ready and able to soar. Let PAUSE be your number one tool as you work hard at being the calm, clear, connected parent your child deserves.

And now the times when obedience is absolute? Think safety issues, here, or perhaps when we are truly exhausted . I think you will find your children are more able to listen and cooperate. How cool is that?

Respectfully,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

HOW Do We Get Our Kids To…

July 29, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships Comment

We feel like it is OUR job to…

…Get our kids to fall asleep…stay asleep…just SLEEP.

…Eat what and when we serve them–I remember so well the “Clean your plate!” admonishments in our family…and many others, as well. “No dessert until…!” Or how about, “Lunch is in two hours. You’ll just have to wait…”

…Make sure they are a good friend…or have friends….or just make friends.

…Keep them from feeling sad, left out, hurt. Or STOP them from getting oh-so-MAD.

…Do whatever it takes to make sure they DON’T feel sad, left out, hurt–or…do whatever it takes to make them happy once again. And definitely STOP them from getting oh-so-MAD. Mostly because we can’t handle it.

…Make sure they do their homework…get their homework “right”…remember to turn IN their homework–especially the homework YOU worked so hard on getting them to finish or just went ahead and did for them.

On and on we go…

And we get more and more frustrated, stressed, reactive, heartbroken along the way…because our kids? They know, intuitively, that how they choose to think, feel, and behave is really THEIR job. Yet when we make it ours, they no longer have to take responsibility for sleeping, eating, being a good friend, feeling happy-sad-mad-successful…for they can count on us to continue to poke, prod, nag, bribe, yell, remind, do for them all these things we feel it is our job to do in order for our kids to grow well.

And now we have children who are less likely to feel competent, capable, confident in their abilities. Children who have no idea how to manage feelings. Children who rebel, comply, struggle more than necessary and for longer periods of time.

Consider this–what if you were to focus instead on growing capable, competent, confident-in-their-abilities children and put your efforts toward creating an environment conducive to your child taking charge of the sleep, eating, friendships, homework, upset feelings? Now how might that look? Perhaps:

For sleep…a calming routine for all ages that evolves with age.

Things like:

Gentle rocking for your baby as they work themselves to settle or respect for them to fuss themselves to sleep on their own in their crib. Or rubbing their back or saying to them, “I know you can let sleep come. I’ll be back in 5 minutes to check on you.” And then you keep your promise.

Perhaps stories and songs and snuggles or a bath followed by a snack followed by stories and a back rub. And patience galore when it seems like you have to start all over again with stories, songs, backrub…

Maybe your company quietly lying next to them. Probably a quieter environment with special guys or blankies or other sleep buddies (and NO screens). And again, your patience 🙂

Maybe acceptance for flashlights and late-night-under-the-covers reading with our older kids. Or taking OURSELVES off to bed after saying a good-night to your still awake child, communicating your confidence that they can take charge of their own sleep needs.

Letting go of all of this sleep happening in OUR time frame and respecting our child’s work at this oftentimes tough transition. That’s the tough part. Helping them to “let sleep come” can be a lengthy process…

For eating…providing healthy foods, regular mealtimes, enjoyable and connected mealtimes where:

Conversation is had and full presence is in place. Creativity called upon as yet again the answers to your inquiries are filled with, “I dunno.” “Maybe.” “Uh uh.” 🙂

ALL digital devices off the table, silenced, put away. Absolutely.

Respect is given for a child feeling full or feeling hungry. “You’re done? Great! Please take your plate to the counter.” “You’re hungry? Dinner is in an hour. Would carrots and some cheese help you wait?”

Most especially mealtimes that are focused on being together and sharing stories…now you are more likely positively influencing your child to eat well, healthily, and tuned in to their own body’s needs.

For friendships…role modeling the kindness, respect and FUN people can have together.

Such as:

Providing lots of opportunity to play freely and at length. Outdoors whenever possible! Little to no adult supervision–at least, obvious adult supervision…:-)

Inviting the single friend over for your quiet child, multiples for your extrovert. Choosing a friend to join the family adventure or welcoming in the neighborhood kids to roar around the yard.

Sitting alongside your child as they experience the inevitable hurt feelings–role modeling again the kindness and compassion you hope to see them exhibit towards others. Oh how this tugs on heartstrings! Take care of YOU, as well.

Making sure the kinds of toys you provide are easy for your toddler and preschooler to “share”–blocks, Lego, markers, playdough, books. Or just head OUT side and you’ll find way less conflict to occur!

Stepping up family time when your elementary child is on the receiving end of unkind remarks, of not being invited to birthday parties, is left out of play on the playground–step up family time, do more together, let your child experience positive and kind and fun with YOU until they are ready to reach out once again to another. What a way to respect their struggle without communicating that you have to fix it for them–and instead communicating your confidence in their ability to move through it well.

For homework…creating a comfortable, un-distracted time each day for doing homework, perhaps snack included…

Ideas include:

Making it a time of connection and presence. Maybe by sitting with your child, or busily working nearby. I often got kitchen work done while my girls sat nearby doing their homework. Kept me tuned in and available if they needed help.

Asking your child questions rather than telling them what to do. “Tough one, hmmm? What have you tried so far?” “What would happen if you tried adding, first, then doing the other part of the problem?”

Trusting their ability to learn rather than “making sure they do.” Now they can call learning their own. THIS empowers.

Having a routine in place each evening or morning that makes it easier for them to remember to gather all their work together–and letting go of whether they remember or not. Now they can own the result of this choice when they get to school and realize they’ve forgotten their work…

For all those uncomfortable feelings…the ones we’d like our children never to experience for it hurts us so much…

Try things such as:

Creating a space they can feel safe in, loved in, heard in. Physical or emotional one. My girls and I would snuggle on our big poof chair (think beanbag filled with foam). We’d squish in together, sit side by side, and feelings would pour out. A young boy I know feels best in his room. He can get out all kinds of MAD there and know it is okay.

Being the calm and connected parent alongside them in their great big sad, affirming, maybe asking questions but mostly listening. And rubbing backs, sometimes. Hugs welcomed often.

Exploring with them how something feels, what they think another felt, what could help in these situations. Exploring rather than making. Letting go of “solving the problem” and instead be curious and explore. That’s all.

What does all this require from us?

Patience. Trust in our children and the process growth is. Calm confidence in just what we intend to grow. Understanding and knowledge of child development. Support. The ability to PAUSE and calm ourselves. Our OWN growth. Self-care so we can be all these things.

It requires us managing our own feelings–especially our anxiety. Taking care of our anxiety so it doesn’t lead the way and have us “making our kids” rather than guiding and influencing our kids. Now that’s relationship building! Taking care of our anxiety so our kids can, too. Taking care of our anxiety so we can relax, trust our child’s growth process, focus on how capable and competent they can be, and let go of having it OUR way so they can find THEIR way.

Now our children have the opportunity to grow as capable,

competent, confident souls for they can take responsibility for themselves, be in charge of what they think, feel, and do, know more clearly from the inside out what they are all about.

Today…PAUSE. Focus on yourself in whatever situation you find yourself trying to “make your kids” do something. Tap into your calm, confident self. Know that you can create the environment that is going to support your child’s growth as one amazing individual. Let this communicate your confidence in your child’s growing abilities–what an empowering message to a child when a parent exhibits trust and confidence in them–especially as their child struggles.

Respect the process growth is.

Here’s to you today,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

MORE of What TO Do Instead of Screens

June 20, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology Comment

I’ve come to understand many of you only know devices as the go-to solution for occupying your kids when needed. It has become the default, so as I talk about how LESS screen is much healthier, many of you struggle with just what TO do. I want to share ideas for you as you consider pausing before handing your child a digital device and considering what else you CAN do.

I feel quite lucky that when I was parenting younger kids all there was device-wise was TV (and that wasn’t all that long ago!). There are so many things we did for our children that now is replaced by a device. All that ultimately does for many children is displace the kind of learning that can grow them in optimal ways and this makes YOUR job as a parent even harder. Those devices when over-used? They seem to make things easier in the moment…until, of course, you try to take it away or tell your child they are done 🙂 And in the long run it makes everything so much harder, for your kids aren’t learning how to manage themselves, how to BE in long lines, car rides, the post office, the grocery store, on airplanes…

Instead of learning how to control themselves, it seems the devices are doing it for them. All this says to your child is, “You need this device in order to be in control…” Not what any of us really want in the long run–for our child to seek outside influences in order to feel in control of themselves. Think peer pressure. Unwanted sexual experiences. Drugs. Alcohol.

So what CAN you do? Oh so much! Ideas for you at home…

Have a selection of books and/or toys or other special items saved JUST for the times you need space the most. My own mother had what she called a Gift Box–and she’d go dig in it and come up with an activity book or little matchbox car…something that was new to us. Worked every time for engaging us when she needed it the most.

Keep about half the general collection of toys in your house put away and out of sight. This worked spectacularly for us–we could rotate toys periodically, and presto! New all over to them! Amazing how, after not seeing something for a number of weeks, a child’s play with a toy changes and re-engages them in new ways. Sort of fun to watch.

How about a box with a few favorite books and special toys tucked inside? A friend has one. Out comes the box just when she needs to focus on something that requires kids out of the way. The kids know this is a Special Box and is used only for Special Times…nothing in it requires adult supervision, which is key 🙂

Know that a toddler will be fascinated with a saucepan, spoon, a measuring cup, lid. Maybe add a bit of water for stirring. You’ll get a few extra minutes and maybe more as the play expands–and you can easily add a bit of food to mix in if desired, or a doll and washcloth, or maybe a towel spread on floor with extra cups, scoops, maybe an empty ice-cube tray and let them fill and dump to their hearts content. Need something a bit drier? Try an empty Kleenex box stuffed with just about anything and hand to your young toddler. Or a full Kleenex box to have fun pulling out the tissues one at a time… 🙂

Pull out the “old fashioned” telephone. I know a few little boys who LOVE to pretend to call the doctor on their old telephone…BRRRRRING! BRRRRING! Give them a crayon or pencil and a pile of sticky notes. Let the play begin. This paper and crayon or pencil? It works well while riding in the grocery cart 🙂 Remember cardboard boxes…of any and all sizes. They make fantastic play-on-your-own experiences. All you have to do is occasionally add something new inside the Box Fort–sleeping bag, flashlights, a pile of stuffed critters, a shoe box full of stickers and markers…

Know that a preschooler can take an apron and it can become a cape and OFF they’ll fly around the room...or will love being given a selection of ingredients to go mix and pour on their own–we did this. It would take me just a minute to set up a tray with bowl, spoon, and about 6 different “ingredients” such as water, oil, oatmeal, food coloring (depending on age!), vinegar, baking soda, seasonings I used rarely…and my girls would spend up to half-an-hour mixing and mixing, A “delicious recipe” for eyes and noses ONLY!

Throw a blanket over a table or across a few chairs and let your child know in a secret voice, “It’s your FORT. I wonder how many of your stuffed guys will join you in there?” So often it is just how you say something that can capture a child’s attention and get their imagination going. Use your voice. Sing, whisper, be conspiratorial. Amazing what can happen for creating time for YOU.

What about at the grocery store, or the post-office, or in a L-O-N-G line at DMV or the airport or ANY where? What about during your dentist appointment, at the bank, or anywhere else you head with child in hand?

Ideas for you on-the-go:

***Always carry snacks. Kids get hungry and grumpy when waits are extra long. A collection of raisins and fish crackers (or whatever you choose…) can occupy their little fingers at length AND take the edge off of hunger.

***Involve your child. Have them help you find things in the grocery store, fill the bag with apples, get excited about choosing the cereal. One mama I know let her son know he could choose a toy from the toy aisle to hold during their grocery store trip, and then when finished, they would return the toy to the shelf “with all its friends” and wave good bye. My girls liked to bring their Special Guys with them–Kitty and Grand Champion (horse). They talked to them, showed them things, included them in our errands just as I included my girls.

***Be sure to do errands with your child when you DO feel patient so they can learn from a calm and present parent. The more you can do this, the less trouble you’ll have during the times you have to swing by the store following daycare pick up and a long day at work. Think about this–your child cannot learn how to BE in a bank or store or anywhere if you just hand them a digital device to occupy them.

Then as they grow, it just gets tougher and tougher, for they don’t have the ability to wait in line, to look around and talk about things, to know how to exchange money or choose stamps or mail a package or count down until your number is called…

***Instead of plunking your child in front of the child’s TV in the bank (I really do not like how more institutions are supplying screens for children, rather than a pile of books…and yes, I say something to the managers quite regularly!), carry them on up to the counter, talk to them about what the teller is doing, let them hand over the check, let them receive the receipt. Name all the interesting things around–“He has a much BIGGER computer than ours at home.” “Look! Type type type and then whir whir whir and out comes our receipt!” “Would you like to show the teller what we brought to the bank for her to take care of?” There is SO much learning to be done when we choose to involve our kids in our day to day tasks and errands…

***Instead of trying extra hard to keep your child still and quiet in that long line in the post office, consider letting them explore a bit. Perhaps let them look through the display windows at all the colorful stamps; maybe play a bit of I Spy with them. Let them hold the letters or package to be mailed. Sing quietly to them. We found singing to work wonders in so many situations. Again, talk about all the things you see. Show them how to take Flat Rate Boxes off the shelf and then slide them back on again. Let them look at the cards for sale–show them how to be gentle, to slide them back where they belong. INVOLVE your children.

***In the back seat of the car have books and a few other favorite small items available. Engage them out the window. Find the back hoe, the raven on the telephone wire, the firetruck whizzing by. Again, sing. Or play music or an audio book. As they get older, give them car-games to play like finding all the letters of the alphabet as they pass by signs or as many different license plates as possible. Keeping track of finding each state’s license plate if you live in the USA is lots of fun for kids of many ages.

These are just some of the endless number of ideas I and others have that I encourage you to try FIRST, prior to handing your child a device. Save those for special times–for when you have absolutely NO patience or where-with-all left. Now they don’t interrupt healthy development, for they are used rarely. Like TV for us. We kept it to 30 minutes a day–and often never watched any. My girls sometimes “saved up” their minutes to watch more on other days…those days when I needed it the most 🙂

Share what works in your family as you move through your busy days without defaulting to screens very often. No one has to re-invent the wheel as they scramble for ways to occupy their child, or ways to involve their child. Let’s share what works and encourage each other! It really does take a village to support a parent so they can parent well.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

A Story of Boys and their Wiggles…

June 19, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, School and education, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

A story of wiggles for you…

A 6.5-year-old little boy. A favorite babysitter who picked him up from school EARLY so they could have an afternoon together before she went back to college. Lucky boy. Lucky babysitter!

And then the wiggles.

You know, the perpetual motion, jumping, kicking, “look at the karate I can do” as this terrific 6.5-year-old thrust out his arms, kicked his legs, and found himself on the other end of the room to turn around and thrust and kick and “do karate!” all over again. Then the mini-tramp and great big poof chair and the jumping, diving, plopping, rolling that they seem to invite. Even as invitations to make chocolate and banana pancakes were extended the wiggles took over.

Sound familiar? Maybe you even wonder if your child can even SIT still for any moment at all. Or maybe you hear from your child’s teacher how your child “needs to learn to sit still and listen better” or to “keep their hands and feet to themselves” or “he just needs to focus better…”

Back to my story. This little guy? After an hour of perpetual motion (including inhaling his banana/chocolate pancakes), of being given the respect and space and time for getting all his wiggles out, of focusing ON HIS WIGGLES (there’s that attention span–his focus was on movement, at length and with great intensity), he was offered up a maze book to read with his favorite babysitter and for the next 30 minutes there they were, stretched out on the floor, totally engrossed in mazes and stories, the only wiggles now being expressed by his toes as the two of them traced their fingers, laughed, studied their books.

And then downstairs they went to get lost in Lego building. The quiet, the focus, the creations. Again, focus, “sitting still,” conversation shared and delighted in. Together.

Why am I sharing this?

Because so many parents of young boys share their frustrations of the seeming inability of their little guys to focus, sit, listen.

They feel pressure from school to “get their kids to do so.” Teachers have greater pressure all the time to “get kids to sit still” so they can do their work. I’m not going to delve into the frustrations of all as we push academics down into younger years, but I do want to take a look at the wiggles…

I want to encourage each of you to look at the perpetual motion AS focused attention. Your child is putting all their attention on the movement they need the most.

This is to be appreciated and encouraged and given the opportunity it needs.

And I want to encourage each of you to look for those times your child DOES “sit still” and listen, focus on a quieter or more involved activity, get immersed in intricate Lego building or books or drawing or play dough or scissors or lining up cars or…

Look for it. Notice when this kind of “sitting still” happens–what precedes it, what your involvement is (if any), what captures your child’s attention the most.

My wiggle story? It is all about how essential movement is in order to foster the “sitting still and listening” many of us want more of.

And to acknowledge it AS focused attention can perhaps change how we view it. Instead of seeing it as displacing focused attention, we can now embrace it as nurturing focused attention.

Today, look to where your child involves him or herself fully. Whether it is movement or books or building or listening or testing you over and over and over (focused on getting YOUR attention!). Notice and appreciate the focus that whatever they are doing requires. Affirm it out loud when appropriate. Pay attention to what works to then move into the quieter focused activities.

Give your child lots of practice at and time with both–movement and stillness (and screen time does not count–it more often undermines the ability to sit and listen at length, truly. That’s another post to write!). Even if the “sitting still and listening” lasts just a few minutes, notice and affirm. What we focus on grows.

Back to the babysitter and 6.5-year-old. They said their good-byes to each other. Hugs and karate chops and promises of amazing pictures to be mailed back and forth. This parting of ways has gone on for 4 years…it is with incredible joy that I get to watch their relationship flourish. And to watch our 6.5-year-old friend grow himself in such wonderfully delightful ways!

Celebrate the wiggles today! And enjoy another wiggles post here: https://www.justaskalice.org/2018/05/21/noticed-and-appreciated-wiggles-and-giggles/
Alice

Author and PCI Certified Parent Coach®

Keeping Our Children Safe

June 8, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology Comment

Consider these…

Your baby begins to pull up and travel a bit around furniture and all of a sudden his little hands can reach those fragile items, the knives in the drawer, the tantalizing pot burbling away atop the hot stove.

Whew! Quick! If you haven’t already now it IS time to baby proof–to think about and then act upon putting the fragile items up high, poisons and sharp knives behind locked doors and drawers or whatever works in your family to keep Baby safe, healthy, growing strong. And you do so.

And as Baby grows, you get busy showing her how to stay back from the hot oven as you open it, to carefully stir the oatmeal in the pot on the stove alongside you, to use first a butter knife to practice cutting until you are confident she can handle a small sharp knife. You TEACH. Safety skills for keeping your little one safe, healthy, growing strong–and learning!

Your five-year-old happily dumps her thousands of Lego blocks all over the floor to immerse herself in building and creating.

Uh-oh! New development in your home. Your 15-month-old wants to be right in the middle of all those small and choke-able items. Quick! Figure out a new way for Lego to be played so your little one CAN be safe, healthy, growing strong. Maybe Miss Five can play with them up on the table, or behind closed doors. Maybe, as you think about ideas, you can just be sure to be right there with your young toddler to show him just what he CAN play with, put in his mouth, or how Lego blocks can be used. What a way to keep your little one safe, healthy, growing strong. Think of all the learning!

Because you are quite clear about keeping your child SAFE as you unload from your parked car on a busy street or in a busy parking lot…

…you’ve thought ahead about grabbing that grocery cart before unbuckling anybody, or having your backpack ready to roll for your child to load up in, or talking ahead of time about holding hands or being carried. You’ve thought about it and are purposeful with just what you do. Including being gently firm with your dash-away-from-you toddler 🙂 Teaching, guiding, and learning that will keep your child safe, healthy, growing strong.

We are quite good at taking care with how we handle the above kinds of situations and many more along our journeys as parents. Sometimes after the fact a bit, sometimes ahead of time–and either way, we’ve thought a bit or for a while; we’ve become intentional with what we do.

We can and NEED to do so with all things digital in our lives.

It’s so darn overwhelming, isn’t it? And yet, look at all we already do with care and purpose in order to keep our children safe, healthy, growing strong and learning. Let’s look at how we can do so with technology, as well. Because really, there will be times when we are exhausted, sick, tending to a sick one, talking at length with Grandma who is having real troubles, frying up meat that is spattering oil all over the kitchen and kids just CAN’T be underfoot. We have to have something to entertain our kids in these moments that is quick and easy (if they are unable to entertain themselves…). And our default these days are iPhones, video games, iPads, shows to watch, and on and on.

Thoughts for you as you become purposeful and thoughtful about just what IS safe and healthy for your child…

***Choose Apps with care. Be sure there is no marketing of products to your child. Be sure there is no violence or other inappropriate content. Be sure you are comfortable with the story-line, the game, whether there is an ability to drift off onto the internet into unknown territory…

***Think about the content of anything you let your child watch, “do”, play with--does it support the kind of relationships you want them to be exposed to? Does it represent healthy ways to live and be? Is it something that spurs real conversation within your family?

***Consider audio books for your child to listen to…or books on the iPad that are used only in those moments of exhaustion, illness, cooking fatty meat on the stove 🙂 When your child gets them only at these times, they become special–and something that truly engages them just when you need it the most.

Or maybe just have a box of books or special items saved for just these moments. That’s what we did…and it works.

***Consider behavior following device use. Are they acting out? Scared? Worried? Discover why. Ask about what they saw. Let it guide YOU in considering, again with purpose, what might be better choices of Apps, videos, games.

***Educate yourself in regards to children being exposed to too much screen time. Let this knowledge guide you as you purposefully choose what is right for your children and family. You can find a lot of excellent info at the Children’s Sreen Time Action Network.

***Take a look around your home and be sure it supports your child in being safe, healthy, growing strong. Put phones out of sight and on silent during family time and meals. Watch your own use of devices when with your children. Use a real camera, a real watch, a real alarm clock. Talk about why you choose with care what and how you do all things digital. Keep all screens OUT of bedrooms. Have specific places for devices to be kept and charged, rather than spread all over the house. I know one family who has a small wooden box set up in an out-of-the-way place where all devices get dropped once home. Now they can no longer distract and it becomes an intentional act to retrieve them.

The more we can use our strength at being

purposeful to tend to all things digital in our lives, the more

likely we are modeling for our children healthy uses of technology, growing children in healthy, strong ways, and keeping

them as safe as we can.

Start today. Help your child learn with care how to BE with all the devices in your house-hold. Keep “safe, healthy, strong” as your filter, showing your little one up to your teen how best to use technology so it can be part of healthy growth and development. Because it can. With your care, your awareness, your strength at being purposeful.

With HOPE and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

What TO do instead of a screen?

April 29, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

Once again, we are becoming increasingly aware of the damage screen time can have on developing brains. (World Health Organization’s strict new guidelines–read them here)

All due to the lack of hands on, sensory and language rich,

relationship based, whole body experiences. The way young children LEARN and grow. Optimally.

I think about how, up until about 15 or so years ago, the only real screen we had to “rely” on was TV. And yet, in our family, TV was rarely used in those first few years, and pretty much limited to 30-minutes a day until in elementary school. And those 30-minutes were usually PBS shows such as Mister Rogers and Reading Rainbow. Totally awesome, by the way. Often watched WITH us rather than used for me to get something done.

Ideas for you as you work at juggling the HARD of life:

Sometimes all we did was turn on a flashlight and hand it to our toddler or preschooler.Or a magnifying glass–that really got their attention as they focused on making things look BIG 🙂

A doll with a washcloth and a small tub with a tiny bit of water in it (a TINY bit if you want the mess to be minimal) has many young toddlers fascinated.

Have play dough available. Ever so soothing. Squish and poke and roll right up at the counter with you or settled in a high-chair or kitchen table.

Have paper and markers or crayons ready to roll. Or a collection of paper bags for them to scrunch, fill, dump, roll, wear. Scotch tape is a fun addition!

All of this? It requires a few things from you.

Then when all bets are off, exhaustion is too over the top, life is absolutely insane…a screen is okay.

Now using a screen is a treat, limited, useful, and no longer displacing all the hands-on, sensory and language rich, relationship based, whole body experiences our children need in order to grow well.

I hope you will share right here what works in your family to manage through the chaos without relying on a screen. Share your successes, your attempts, anything that you’ve done to minimize screens and maximize GROWTH. And find even more ideas here: MORE of What TO Do Instead of a Screen.

Sometimes it is the littlest thing that can make the biggest difference for a parent.

With appreciation and JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

A Day in the Life: Papa and Two Young Boys

March 8, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

Being home all day with young children can be ever-so-exhausting AND rewarding.

A story from a Papa who did just this as Mama recovered from illness. Here is his Day’s Tally with his 20-month-old and 4.5-year-old boys. Let it put a smile on your face, a nod of “Yep. That’s us!” Appreciate how FULL a day can be with seemingly little progress...

I am most certain he, once again, appreciates the work his wife does every single day as a Stay-at-home Mama 🙂 :

~ Kids bathed and dressed–woo hoo! A feat unto itself to actually be DONE in the morning.
~ Kids fed
~ Syrup and milk sodden clothes removed–ha!
~ Kids showered once again…
~ Kids dressed–again.
~ Go fish games, puzzles, making forts, being kids–PLAY time!
~ Kids are hungry – decided on grilled cheese sandwiches…YUM.
~ The youngest disappears to snuggle with Mama; Eldest says, “Let’s make pudding, first!” (Something a Papa, taking over the Stay-at-Home Parent shift, is happily willing to do!)
~ Youngest escapes Mama Snuggles to help Big Brother with that DEEE-licious pudding!
~ 3 cups worth of banana pudding hits the floor–oh those eager toddler hands… 🙂
~ Pudding sodden clothes removed and dumped in pile–who has time for laundry, anyway?!
~ New batch of pudding made–better than having everyone melt down into tears over spilled pudding…
~ Grilled cheeses finally made, kids fed
~ Cleaned bird cages–together. Hmmm. Perhaps more of a mess made before clean is had?
~ Back to building more forts, did stick-on tattoos, exhaustion creeping up–on kids, too 🙂
~ Late naps–yet naps are at least had!
~ Played in forts once again
~ Dinner thrown together…cereal? Chicken? Some bits and pieces of something?
~ Pudding and stories–oh yes, STORIES.
~ Kids Showered once again–pudding and bird cages and forts and tattoos leave one rather sticky and icky all over again.
~ Kids in bed FINALLY. Zonked in 30sec. This bedtime stuff? What a breeze…
~ Mopping the kitchen floor. About a half gallon of milk landed on the floor today between pudding and cups being set on the floor between sips, sticky cheese dripped from sandwiches, sticky pudding, too…

And finally, falling into bed himself and zonked in 30 seconds…!

A Day in the Life of a Papa and Two Little Boys…and we wonder why we can rarely get (other) things DONE.

Thank you to the Papa who shared this story!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

What Happens to Childhood?

March 4, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional 2 Comments

What happens to childhood when we are constantly

filming (and posting) our kids’ every antic?

I so appreciate this article: Their Tube: When every moment of childhood can be recorded and shared, what happens to childhood?

Aside from the marketing directed at kids (something very disturbing and deserves real scrutiny and discretion), this is a trend I believe can have real negative repercussions when done as a way of life. And YES it is also completely understandable because we truly love watching our kids and all their antics and want to share with friends and family so they won’t miss out…and yet…

I think so much can be lost. Here’s why:

~ It means we, the adults–instead of simply observing (and soaking it up!)–are distracted by OUR screen as we work at filming our kids, and often taking time to then share on social media. When this is our norm–filming everything–our attention to our device rather than being fully present to our child can communicate to our kids that it is the device and “all those out there” that are most important. Probably not what any of us intend.

~ It means our children are more focused “out there.” Focused on all those potential viewers OR on just seeing themselves doing something “on camera.” Which, by the way, IS totally fun–yet when it’s the norm, their play is getting constantly interrupted and directed less by what they like, feel, imagine, create and way more by how those “out there” may respond, may like, may want.

In order to grow well, our kids need lots of

time and opportunity to tune into their feelings, ideas, thoughts, how their body feels–discovering who THEY are as individuals, rather than who they think they need to be for the attention and “likes” and accolades of online life.

~ Our kids are distracted. Instead of getting lost in their play, in their own imagination and ideas; instead of staying focused at length (so very very necessary for all things learning and success through life), they are constantly stopping their play to “watch themselves” or check the “likes”, or seeing if they are doing what it is they saw another doing on-line in just the “right way.” They are constantly interrupting their own thought process to check in on “out there.” What a way to undermine exactly what is needed to learn–ability to focus and attend at LENGTH. To imagine. To create. To fire from the inside-out.

~ Our kids are more caught up in “staging” their play (or copying another’s idea) rather than getting lost in their OWN ideas and feeling good about them. Our kids are learning their self-worth depends on the attention they get from “out there” rather than from the inside-out–something we want to avoid, especially as we think about those teen years and how important it is for our teens to feel their self-worth comes from inside themselves rather than turning to peers for constant approval. Especially when those peers are pushing for sex or drugs or alcohol.

PAUSE today. Consider stepping

away from filming and recording. Try observing in”real time”

for a while. Give your children the opportunity to just

be themselves FOR themselves.

What a way to communicate confidence in who they are; that they are important and valued as they are. Encourage lengthy play time to be creative and imaginative.

And when you do quietly record them? Make it special. A treat. Then put your phone away and let them get on with their play. And just think! Now you have a story to share with friends and family, rather than a video. And stories? They can be rich and meaningful when shared. Talk about using OUR imagination, too!

Childhood is meant for this. To play, explore, do a child’s work--without needing constant attention and what they see as “approval” from all those viewers “out there.” Or to get all their ideas from another.

Go play today! Un-distracted. Creatively. At length. And enjoy. What a gift to your children AND to their childhood.

Respectfully,

Alice

Story Time! Two young boys…

March 3, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

A story for you that I hope puts a smile on your face!

Two boys, ages 4 and 6. A mom who works from home. A dad who travels regularly. A new dog, a small and somewhat (!!) effective fenced yard. And a family who takes screen time and makes it minimal time. Oh, and balls. Lots and lots and lots of balls. Add in two relatively unknown visitors landing at their home–“Uncle” Mike and Alice (yup, me!). Two nights and two days and so much to appreciate!

What did I notice and appreciate?

The natural reservation of Mr. 6-year-old. Watching and absorbing these two visitors…and then discovering with total glee that “Uncle” Mike would play ball no matter the rain outside. The abundance of hugs from Mr. 4-year-old who raced outside along with his brother to bat and throw and run and laugh.

Two very different approaches and both honored and respected. No pushing for Mr. 6-year-old–he was always given time to warm up on his OWN time. Equally so was the matter-of-fact welcoming of all the hugs his brother liked to give others…no extra attention to one way of being or another. Just both accepted, respected, enjoyed. Sometimes puzzled over…

Those ball games in the rain? They began with a bat and soft ball. I do believe it was way more fun to actually chase the errant ball that seemed to always get “hit out of the park” and over the fence. Racing through the gate to discover where it landed was as much fun as swinging the bat.

And when the ball(s) couldn’t be found? No worries. There was always another ball to use! Then there was the “toss the ball” game, way up high in the air, calling out each other’s names to run and catch and tag. A football and a soccer ball appeared next and yet another game of catch and giggles and running and wrestling matches followed. Always wrestling matches.

Indoors? It was Alice’s camera-–you know, the kind that only takes photos and has only a viewfinder? Remember those? Each boy had many-a-turn slinging the strap over their necks (“I’ll be careful, Alice!”) and working at using a viewfinder–Mr. 6 figured it out immediately and of course his favorite photo he took was of his dog’s rear end… 🙂 Fits of giggles!

Mr. 4? Oh the difficulty of squinting and viewing just through that little window at the top of the camera–yet his delight in all his photos–whether they were of the ceiling or the floor or a partial body caught accidentally as he clicked away. Never was he disappointed or frustrated--he just kept working at figuring out the view finder. Talk about persistence!

I know what struck me the most as I delighted in my time with this young family…

The calm nature of mom even when she was stressed and how her calm permeated everything. She works on this, by the way. It is the gift of growing your ability to PAUSE.

The space for the boys to just, well, be boys.

The simplicity of the play that always unfolded as a result of no screens. Playing catch outside, running running running, pushing toy planes around on the kitchen floor, working with my camera, and always weaving throughout their play the wrestling matches.

What a gift to these boys that Mom and Dad have intentionally kept things simple.

What a way to grow intrinsically motivated, problem solving,

**creative and imaginative thinkers–kids who can be real learners all through life.** Truly capable and competent.

And yes. There are frustrations. Plenty. From “NO. I don’t WANT to” to all the NOISE of BOYS and a mama just tired of it all. From Dad still discovering that telling his 6-year-old to do something doesn’t work quite as well as asking him what he can do. Especially when they are trying to get out the door on time.

Then there was Mr. 4’s attempt to carry the dog in his kennel down the stairs. That ended in tears. And everyone, dog included, okay. But really, all that was about was his excitement in sharing their new addition, their dog, with “Uncle” Mike and Alice! Excitement and belief in his capable and competent self.

A story to hopefully put a smile on your face.To remind you of how important simple things are for kids. To encourage you a bit more in letting your child(ren) just be. To play. To have balls and sticky notes and a real camera on occasion. And to work hard at PAUSING and breathing and maybe just sitting and folding laundry as the chaos surrounds you.

With JOY and appreciation,

Seven! Such a Magic Age!

February 20, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Story Time! Comment

I got lost in a little 7-year-old magic last night.

The quick smiles, dimples included. Eye-twinkles galore. Jokes! So many…ridiculous, funny, sometimes a bit edgy as Mr. 7 tests out just what IS okay…

The home-made birthday wrapping paper with “My BEST cursive, Alice!” all over it. And a poem. Written by him! His delight in his work was probably the best gift of all…

Watching the made up card game played with a certain favorite 23-year-old. Mr. 7 “shuffled” (that took effort!), dealt, and the two of them created a game of addition that had one then the other discarding until the numbers added up to “a dollar.” They played this for half-an-hour straight. Math, turn taking, creative ideas, fine motor skills, conversation, laughter, full presence–a wonderful and magical connection. Very cool.

The perpetual motion of a 7-year-old boy. Spinning, plopping, hopping, twisting, somersaulting…and then sitting. At length. That made-up card game once again. Oh, and dessert. Let’s not forget sitting for dessert! Yum.

The “apple pie” made by Mr. 7. “Apple” because even though one thinks it is truly an apple pie, the twinkle in Mr. 7’s eyes tells you there is something amiss with that description…oh yes, it was delicious and safe to eat . It was a recipe taken from his favorite chemistry experiment cook book–and the “apple” is really Ritz crackers and lemon combined! Totally fun.

The concentration and questions asked as Mr. 7 checked out the 23-year-old’s scar and pin in her foot from foot surgery. Pretty awesome from his standpoint! The discussion the two had over the surgery process, the various metal now in that foot, the bones worked on…Mr. 7 and Ms 23. What a pair they are. Two scientists, heads bent together, discussing important-to-them things. I do believe Mr. 7 will follow in Ms 23’s footsteps…all things SCIENCE. Or at least all things DISCOVERY. How cool is that?

Oh, and Mr. 7’s description of his upcoming science fair idea! Cups, duct tape, soil, seeds…he has his experiment in mind, he has full support of his parents, he’s thought through just what HE thinks might or might not happen. His idea. Fully supported. And HE is excited. What a way to learn…to discover…to empower.

I was lost in ALL of his magic.

What a delight to watch a 7-year-old BE seven. Fully.

Ideas pouring out of him. Games created. Conversation enjoyed. Respect for his thoughts and desires and abilities.

Totally awesome.

Today, find these magical moments. Go get lost in them a bit. Know that the chaos WILL settle and incredible learning and growth is occurring right before your eyes.

It is, quite simply, amazing.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

All During Preschool Drop-off…

February 1, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Moments caught and enjoyed today…

…The bright eyed 3.5 year old sharing with me her “sharing bag” for preschool. “I brought my ball!! Daddy blew it up cuz it was squishy and now it is hard…” all while squeezing extra hard the round shape tucked in her preschool sharing bag. “My muscles are growing!!” And off she danced carrying her bundle down the hall, eyes all a-twinkle…

…The toddler trooping in alongside brother and friend and mama to drop them off at preschool...his head cranked backwards as he found everything BEHIND him of much greater interest then what was in front of him. Tripping, plopping, up and trooping, always always with his head turned backwards… 🙂

…The HUGS as new-found-friends are re-discovered once again, as only preschoolers can do. The DELIGHT with which they greet each other leaves one thinking it had been years…rather than a day or two!

…The papas and mamas who all stopped in front of the preschool’s info board to read to their children what was happening in class that day. “Elephant valentines!” And off they’d go musing over just what an elephant valentine might be…

…The cling-on preschooler as mama tried to extract herself...“I see a post office! Would you like to go work on some letters to mail there? Or maybe bounce on the mini tramp…” Her efforts were seemingly futile as her child continued to wrap her arms around her legs, fussing and whining…until…ZOOM a buddy went zipping by on a trike and off went the little girl to climb on another trike and join in on the driving-round-and-round fun…and mama left with a smile on HER face!

…The mama of twin toddlers who, following drop off of her older child, took the necessary moments to sit with them in the free play area and let them explore. What a delight watching them immerse themselves, mama fully present and quietly watching…and then when it really was time to go, they agreeably trotted off and out the door. Despite the fact mama had a ton of errands to run and a tight time frame, she knew by pausing long enough to give them their time, HER time would go so much better :-).

Moments caught and enjoyed as preschool drop off continued. Boots being stomped to get the fresh snow off, lots of questions and conversations shared even as parents were rushing, turns taken as every single child wanted to be the door-opener-button-pusher. What a wonderful way to start MY day…so many smiles.

Enjoy your day! I am.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Mr. Three and STRONG Muscles!

January 11, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Story Time! Comment

A favorite story to share…

Mr. Three-year-old; a well-worn mini-trampoline; a backyard; clouds; a present adult (me).

That’s all. Here’s what I want to share–the simplicity of things, the value of SPACE to BE, what can unfold when that is all there is–the outdoors, a mini-tramp, and a few clouds.

Mr. Three: “I have STRONG muscles!” (as he jump jump jumps). “WATCH me RUN!” And off he jumps, running across the leaf and stick strewn back yard, pumping his arms back and forth…

Then ZIP! He turns and pumps his arms and churns his legs right on back towards me…

…and then Ker-PLOPS onto the ground. “I am TIRED. I need MORE muscles!”

Me: “How do you get more muscles?!”

Mr. Three: “Like THIS!” And onto the tramp and jump jump jump he goes singing, “Bumpity, bumpity, bump. I’m on a camel’s hump!” Then OFF he jumps and says, “WATCH! Now I have more MUSCLES!”

The running game continues…until…”I’m thirsty. I need more milk to get more muscles…” Off I go to get some milk, I return to find Mr. Three sitting on the mini-tramp staring upwards into the sky…

Mr. Three: “Alice, the clouds are MOVING. LOOK!”

We both stared up for a while, quietly enjoying the clouds blowing across the sky.

Me: “Where do you suppose they are going?”

Mr. Three pauses…considers…then his eyes light up and he says, “To ENGLAND! To visit EMILY and BECKY!” Two of his favorite adults who happen to be in the UK right now… 🙂

And then back to watching the clouds move “because they have strong muscles, too.”

That’s all. Simple. Lovely. Space to be, think, watch, move, consider, share, laugh. It warmed my heart. It filled my bucket. It deposited a bit more into a lovely relationship with a certain special Mr. Three-year-old.

Today, keep it simple. Listen. Watch. Enjoy.

No need to fill “empty” space. No need to supply toys or

playthings or “corrections” or even ideas.

Just take a moment to BE with your certain special person, listening and watching and thoroughly enjoying.

What a lovely way to begin your day and the inevitable chaos and craziness and BUSY it gets filled with.

With JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

I spy!

January 7, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Story Time! Comment

Oh the JOY of a Mr. Nearly Four:

“I spy…something BROWN!”

“Is it…square?”

“Yeeesss…” (giggle giggle)

“Are there lots of them?”

Eyes roving…twinkling…head nodding.

“I know! It’s the cupboards!!”

“YES!” Giggles taking completely over.

“I spy…something black and grey and fuzzy…”

And on the game went. And oh, the JOY of playing! I had the privilege of spending time with Mr. Nearly Four and his Soon-to-be One-year-old brother. So many “little” things noticed and appreciated…such as…

...how Mr. Nearly Four could immerse himself in all things imaginative as we were all squeezed into a small camper with (seemingly) little to do.

Like…”Alice! Did you hear that scrunching noise? What do you s’pose made it? Maybe a dragon swishing his giant tail..?” And how he wiggled himself into my lap and reflected on stories we had made up about a certain fish in his life. Stories that began nearly a year ago…oh, the DELIGHT in re-telling them! And his curious explorations of how windows opened, lights turned on, switches controlled things (and then making all of this happen!). Discovery at its best.

…how Mr. Soon-to-be One quietly studied the small, new surroundings…watched these New-To-Him people…and on his own time and in his own way connected.

Like…crawl crawl crawl the short distance from table to bed and then PEEK back to say (all by the look on his face) “Come CHASE me!” And oh! The giggles and delight over this new to him adult (me!) crawl crawl crawling right after him…catching his toes. Or how he discovered the scratchy sound he could make on the chair fabric, or how his fingers could slip under and out and under again the edge of the carpet, or how he could make the lamp move on its hinge and worked at trying to get what looked like a small ball off the lamp…to no avail…

…how Mr. Nearly Four, despite ongoing conversation between other adults in this small space, could get completely absorbed in a book being read to him. Completely absorbed. All snuggled up together in a chair… This ability to focus at length on something? What a gift. For he will need that all through school and life in order to learn and grow well.

…and how Mr. Soon-to-be One, when a small toy turtle passed right by and out of his reach, he BURST into tears, folded himself in half and let all around him know how disappointed he felt that turtle passed him by. And how his mama rubbed his back and named his feeling and let him do the crying he needed. And when turtle made his way back towards Mr. Soon-to-be One? The SMILE that spread across his face…and off he crawled to follow Mr. Turtle, examine Mr. Turtle, taste Mr. Turtle…

Oh the JOY. Of simple things. Seemingly little things.And yet, all of this? Self-discovery at its best. Growth of so many necessary abilities–focus and attention, language, imagination, problem solving, understanding and managing feelings to name a few. These “little moments?” They mean a lot. Make the most of them every chance you can, for they really grow into the big things.

They “grow into” those wonderful, close, meaningful, healthy relationships that is what we all want the most. They ARE the connection between each other that has us able to grow in all ways wonderful.

Today, relish those little moments. They count–tremendously.

Here’s to the start of a wonderful week!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

We Need to KNOW and Say NO

November 7, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

What would YOUR relationship with your child feel like if…

…they were regularly falling apart, melting down, having tantrums over, well, just about anything? No matter how calm, consistent, patient you were?

…their struggles in school escalated. Understanding math was real work. Reading was something they always needed help with. Writing–both the physical act and the creative–was near on impossible?

…they found it difficult to make friends, were teased and bullied often, maybe WERE the bully, themselves, or just refused to interact much with anybody?

…they were increasingly physically challenged, overweight, uncoordinated–noticeably so and to the point you enrolled them in whatever activity you could with them constantly melting down about it all?

…many of your attempts to engage your child, connect with them, truly enjoy them were resisted, ignored, or just not even recognized?

I think you’d feel frustrated, anxious, worried–deeply worried. I think you’d feel angry, resentful, exhausted. And I think, if this kind of behavior was increasingly the norm, your anxiety would be over-the-top.

How would your CHILD feel if…

…they often fell apart, melted down, had tantrums over, well, just about ANY thing? That their “norm” was always REACTIVE?

…they felt like a failure in school. That everything about math, reading, writing was just HARD?

…they were teased and bullied, ignored, alone. Or if they could only “make” friends by being the bully?

…they KNEW they were physically challenged, overweight, and uncoordinated–mostly because all the kids around them told them so?

…they couldn’t feel the connection and engagement you were trying ever so hard to have? That it just wasn’t “there” for them?

I think they’d feel at a total loss in life. Adrift. Confused. Unhappy. Angry. Depressed. A real lack of self-confidence. All of it.

And I KNOW–with no dancing around it any more–that what are now being called Sensory Deprivation Devices (aka Digital Devices) are becoming the greater and greater cause for the failure of truly healthy and optimal development for our children.

Stay with me, here. All of the relationship challenges I shared at the start? All are increasingly felt and experienced by parents, teachers, and children alike.

Something we know as a fact is how young children learn best–with their whole body, all their senses, within a secure and connected relationship with us.

Learning with their whole body makes them active learners, imposing their ideas, imagination, actions on the world around them. And it grows a brain that is incredibly rich in all the necessary neural pathways for all learning.

Enter in a digital device. Of which is an integral part of many children’s lives now. All the “learning” from a digital device? For young children there is little to no real learning. All that IS learned is that they are no longer active learners, imposing their imaginative ideas and actions on the world around them.

Instead, they become passive.

They sit (or wiggle or get antsy while all the while UN-able to disconnect) and stare at the screen. Maybe poke and swipe and tap and giggle, as they see they can make things happen. But those things? They really mean nothing, for our young children do not have the brain development to understand these symbols on a screen represent anything in real life. And by continuing on with so much screen use, they cannot develop the necessary and deeper understanding of and around these symbols.

Yes, they can recognize numbers and letters–makes us feel quite proud that they can! And yet, by continuing on with “learning” this way, we are actually displacing the ability to truly LEARN at the deeper, important level that grows our children well.

Think about this. When you think of a ball, for instance, maybe you think of a certain kind of ball because of your experience with balls. Maybe you can imagine holding one, bouncing one, rolling one. You can sense the weight as you consider a basketball or a bowling ball. You even have a memory of how one smells, often. You think about the catch game, the bowling game, the loud thunk of the volleyball on your arm and how it stung.

Talk about rich and meaningful and ESSENTIAL.

When you now see the symbol of a ball on a screen, all your hands-on experiences allow you to truly enjoy, relate to, understand that ball on the screen. Now take your child’s experience with the screen version–our child sitting on an app “playing” ball. NONE of what you know about balls is being learned. And now, because they are on a screen, the time they could be playing with a real ball has just been displaced. Again. Now they take their passive, one-dimensional “experience” with a ball and it becomes the filter by which they see and experience balls in the three-dimensional world. Very limiting. Especially when it comes to brain health.

This is extremely detrimental to your child’s healthy and optimal growth. And it has become the norm. We have bought into screens and all things digital as an essential part of our child’s life and, hence, development.

Consider brain development.

Between birth and age 3 the brain grows to 80% of its final adult size. 90% by age 5. And all that growing? It is about neural pathways being developed. What grows these neural pathways?Hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship based, whole body experiences. In front of a screen? It is a fairly limited landscape, the brain. How scary is that? We see the results as our kids move through school…life…and they struggle. More and more. And it’s becoming “normal” to many, all this struggle. The cumulative effects of all this screen time is being seen–in schools, in homes, within relationships.

What CAN we do?

Oh it really is so very simple. It may take some adjustment for those who are immersed in digital devices, and yet it really is still simple.

PLAY. A child’s most important work is play.

Really, this is what it comes down to for young children–and I will include kids well into elementary school for this. PLAY. REAL play. Play that is non-adult directed. Play with open-ended items rather than commercialized figures–you know, all those toys that represent something someone else made up, and what someone else determined what to do with them.

Play with balls, blocks, Lego. Play with paper and crayons and markers. Play with play-dough and popsicle sticks. Play with dirt and water and rocks and moss and leaves. Play with books books books. Play with blankets and boxes and daddy’s big boots. Play outdoors, under tables, with flashlights.

PLAY that allows them to process feelings, upsetting experiences, changes in their lives. It is through play that kids learn to understand and manage LIFE. As we increasingly take it away, they are left adrift. unable to manage themselves in so many ways. Hence so many troubles increasing for our children, and for us.

PLAY IS the way children grow best. And it is being taken away. As time with devices accumulates:

Children struggle with learning. With math and numbers and quantities and spatial concepts. They struggle with comprehending stories, words, lessons. They have a hard time imagining and creating pictures in their mind as they listen.

Children struggle connecting with others–building friendships, being a friend, negotiating, problem solving.

Children struggle with feelings–they just don’t have the inner resilience as things disappoint or fail and they melt down. Tantrum. Fall apart. Act out and hurt another or themselves.

Children struggle with weight, physical well-being, coordination. How can they truly know how their body works in space when they’ve spent so much time on a screen? Talk to high school coaches for their take on this one…

Children struggle with relating to US. To parents. We begin to lose them. Ask parents of teenagers.

I ask each and every one of you to PAUSE and truly consider the real and life-changing deprivation caused by over-use or inappropriate use of digital devices.

To think about just how and why apps are advertised as something that will “spark your child’s imagination!” or “grow their math skills!”. Consider the marketing and who is doing the marketing. Think about how you really hope to “see” your child as they head off into the world as an adult. Consider what kind of relationships you intend and thoroughly relish. Consider your child’s ability to think, reflect, imagine, create, problem solve, focus, persevere, connect, feel strong from the inside out.

Mostly, consider what YOU can do differently to be sure your child is being enriched by plenty of hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship based, whole body PLAY. Take steps to keep all device time minimal or if you feel already lost to all of it and want to know WHAT to do, start with giving your child time to squish play-dough at the dining room table. Alongside you, initially, if they need practice at playing. Or coloring. Or just reading books. Stick with it, as you create a bit of change in your house-hold. Trust your child to want to play. It is their work, it is what they are wired to do. Give them the space, time, and environment in which they can and watch the magic begin.

That’s all. Start there. Keep incorporating more time for PLAY and less–WAY less–time for devices.

In time you will notice things to feel better–for you and your child. You will notice they manage themselves a bit better, feel more encouraged in school, want to connect with you, have friends over, know themselves better, eat and sleep better, everything. It really does change for the better–the MUCH better–as you intentionally make regular time to step away from all those Sensory Deprivation Devices.

It is essential we do so. Our children need us to KNOW what’s healthy and good and say NO to all things screens…and YES to being Tech Intentional in all we do.

Take steps today to help your child thrive. Need more? Check out the Screen Time Network. Full of community, resources, research–so much that can help you feel confident in bringing digital wellness into your family. Check out Dr. Nancy Carlsson-Paige‘s video on Technology and Young Children, and her guide for parents, as well.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Getting Lost in Lego!

October 8, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

I recently had the great pleasure and privilege of watching a two-year old get totally immersed in…

LEGO.

I know, Lego is for a bit older child. Lego is tricky to manipulate for little hands. Lego is a choking hazard. But here’s the deal, this toddler? I know him. Just as you know yours. I know what he can and cannot do and he had my full presence as he discovered the container of Lego on my shelf. Safety was not a concern. Frustration over little pieces not a concern, either, for I knew this little guy. He has always been allowed to work on his own on things his way–and frustration rarely occurs. He seems to always manage to figure things out…or ask for help when he’s ready. So Lego it was.

Lego. Not the kind that is only “in a kit” that makes certain things. I’m talking the Lego that is all jumbled together full of magical pieces and shapes and the gateway to all things imaginative and creative.

Here’s what I noticed…and so thoroughly enjoyed! We were looking for “a guy” to sit in a toy tractor I had. Down came the long plastic box of mixed up Lego. Mr. Two’s eyes got just a bit wider.

His hands went in and did just what I remembered doing as a child–swimming through all the pieces…back and forth…listening to that wonderful sound of crackles and clicks and shuffles and however Lego sounds to you. Mr. Two discovered “a guy.” This guy had a helmet on his head–“Just like Papa!” Mr Two exclaimed.

The Guy fit into the tractor…but back to that magnetic draw of a container of Lego. Swish swish went his hands. “More guys!” as he discovered other “peoples” and their various hats. Then…”A PLANE!” as he pulled out a creation built by a certain 7-year-old in my life. “No propeller…” and back into the box he swished….

Mr. Two explored and swished and worked and talked and got totally immersed and lost in this Lego for the better part of an hour.

Just think–totally lost in.

Thinking his own thoughts, using his hands, coming up with his own ideas, listening and imagining and creating.

Real learning. REAL learning. This is so essential for our children!

Time to get lost in their play. Hands on, sensory and language rich (oh, how he was talking, using new words, asking questions, musing to himself…), relationship based (I was near and available) play.

So LEGO it is at my house. I know, without a doubt, when Mr. Two returns, he will once again seek out my container of Lego, plunk himself down, swish his way through, and do the work of a child. Including filling up that tractor we started with with all the Lego that can fit in its trailer. Now THAT is a puzzle for a two-year-old.

What a gift to a child.

Lengthy time to get immersed in their work.

PLAY.

Today, find the space and time to give YOUR child an opportunity to do their work. At length. Lost in and immersed and thinking their own thoughts. Hands on. What a way to build healthy brains…healthy relationships…healthy everything.

That Scary Stick Horse…

September 17, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and ever so enjoyed:

~ The gentle and respectful introduction of a scary and at times noisy stick-horse (you know, those yard long sticks with a big furry head on top, then add squeezing the ears for a “trot trot” and “neigh neigh” sound?) to a certain 15-month-old in my life. Watching his Mama first ask her little guy if he’d like to see the horse and ***pausing*** as she waited for him to mull it over. And mull he did. He’d had a startling experience once upon a time with this very same Scary Horse, and he’d been quite wary of it since. Mama continued to PAUSE and wait quietly.

Toddler looked at her, the Scary Horse, and back to her and proceeded to BOUNCE up and down.

“You would like to see the horse!” And then Mama s-l-o-w-l-y brought Scary Horse closer, watching with care.

Concern spread across toddler’s face, Mama slowed down further.

“You’re not sure how close you’d like him to come,” she said.

Relief spread across this little guy’s face. He relaxed and Scary Horse came all the way over and out stretched the toddler’s hand to touch the soft face. Now he even wanted to hear the “trot trot trot” and “neigh neigh” sound–as long as Mr. Horse was moving BACK to where he belonged in the corner of a room. What a wonderfully respectful way to grow confidence in a little guy. He was in charge of what he felt and Mama respected this. He was communicating clearly, and Mama respected this. I bet next time he is just a bit more comfortable with Mr. Horse, for he is no longer Scary Horse!

~ The first grader who shared his new deck of Pokeman cards with a favorite adult. Despite a fun movie (Inside Out!) being enjoyed together, it was the Pokeman cards that were number one in his life–he spent the entire movie laying out the cards on the floor in rows of ten, talking constantly about each one, what they meant, and then ordering them by how they “evolve.” Now and then he’d pause, climb up next to his adult and snuggle, with a few cards in hand to talk about, all the while watching the movie and saying “I won’t tell you what happens because I don’t want to spoil it for you, but…” and on he’d go with what happens! Then off the couch to re-organize his cards once again…The perpetual motion, the curiosity, the imagination, the conversation…oh, the fun! Having the opportunity to spend one-on-one time with a 6.5 year old is something to cherish…

~ The almost 5-year-old who immersed himself in an imaginative game of “I’m the kitty and YOU are the owner!” This ‘kitty?’ Slurped up the water in a bowl, rolled and crawled around the house, scratched on the kitty scratching post, fetched sticks (?!!), enjoyed crumbled up muffins in another bowl–YUM! Kitty food! On and on he scrambled around the house, mewing and purring and if he’d had a tail, it would have been happily swishing away!

His total engagement with his game, the joy of an adult joining in just how HE dictated, and his ability to flow with the interruptions of his 3-year-old brother, the adults who wanted to talk, the cooking that needed tending...all spoke to the wonderful way his parents have given him the time and space to be. To play. To imagine. To be in charge of himself. What a joy! This kitty can come play at my house any time :-).

Take time today to notice and appreciate. Whether it is a parent working hard at keeping it together or a child’s antics that put a smile on your face, or a moment caught between parent and child that leaves you feeling a bit of real joy. Notice and appreciate, for what we focus on grows.

Enjoy!
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Lessons Learned from a Toddler

August 29, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships Comment

Lessons learned (and delighted in and stressed over) from a toddler:

~ Boxes and tape are way more fun then whatever is inside... Always.

~ When I want the blue cup, no the green cup, actually YOUR cup, but really NO cup, how about those crackers, no not THOSE crackers, I mean just PUT ME DOWN, I really want UP–it means I really am just w-a-a-a-y over tired…

~If you tell me it is time to get my diaper changed or leave or put on my jacket or get out (or in) of the tub, count on me to probably say NO…but PLEASE help me by meaning what you say and helping me to still do what you say it is time to do…now my world really can make sense…

~ Laps are best when a book is involved...and who says you have to sit still when being read to?

~ Even the littlest thing deserves great scrutiny…including that teeny tiny spider crawling across the floor, the crumb stuck to my thumb, the owie on YOUR hand, or the errant cheerio hiding under the fridge…(that deserves tasting, as well!)

~ ORDER is important! Keep the peas separate from the mashed potatoes, please…and I really do need to know that nap time follows lunchtime on a regular basis and that my favorite stuffed animal or blankie ALWAYS can be counted on to go to daycare with me…

~ MESS is essential! Smooshing the peas into the mashed potatoes makes a wonderful gooey and perhaps yummy (if chosen to be eaten) mess…oh! And how fun it is to lean w-a-a-a-y over and drop the gooey mess PLOP onto the floor and watch my dog slurp it all up…

~ When you say “Bye” to me, leave. Even if I cry. Even if I cling like an octopus or press my gooey nose and drippy eyes up against the window or end up a puddle on the floor. But make sure you come back when you said you would. Now I really can count on you!

~ Who says socks have to go on feet and pants on legs? Be creative! Think out of the box!

~ Puddles are SUPPOSED to be relished with feet, boots, hands, bottoms, dancing, hopping, poking, rock throwing, dog lapping, all things wet and muddy…why else are they there after it rains?

~ Sudsing up hands under warm water and watching the bubbles swirl around in the drain and more bubbles be made as my hands squish together and just getting lost in all this warm water play is a lovely way to spend lengthy time cleaning up…please don’t hurry me!

~ Tears are best met with the comfort of welcoming arms…or just company nearby cuz sometimes I feel MAD at you.

~ JOY is to be shared as ridiculously funny things happen like falling boom on my bottom to my great surprise or watching the waddling porcupine climb up the zoo cage or delighting in the swirling leaves or discovering a page in my favorite book that has you reading and re-reading and me acting it out and talking about it over and over again…with you.

Lessons from a toddler. What have you learned of recent from your little one? Or delighted in? Or been surprised by? I’d love to hear! Including any button pushing moments…of which there can be plenty with our terrific toddlers .

Parenting Success: Being Bored and Empty Spaces

August 15, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Recipe for Parenting Success, continued. Essential ingredients:

Being Bored and Empty Spaces.

Let your child be bored…instead of rushing in to fill their time with all the cool ideas YOU have (or chores or homework or whatever else is decided they need because they are bored…), PAUSE.

Consider Being Bored an essential ingredient for SUCCESS. It often creates the Empty Space so necessary for a child to reflect, come up with creative ideas, imagine, get lost in play or their ideas or a good book. It helps them discover all kinds of life skills from problem solving to thinking to greater self-awareness. And all of this? It makes YOUR job as a parent easier.

The trick to this ingredient? YOU. Being able to respect boredom as the valuable “empty space” it is. Being able to say to your extra whiny, clingy, “MOOOOOOM, I’m BOOOOOORRRRREEEED!” something along the lines of, “Oh? You’re bored. I wonder what you are going to do about that.” And then off you go focusing on all the million and one things you have to accomplish.

Really. That is enough. When they come back at you because they aren’t used to Being Bored, you get to twinkle your eyes at them and continue on with your job.

And when they STILL push push push for you to fill their Empty Space and “fix” their Being Bored, you might find yourself saying, “I remember being bored. I always had fun doing…I wonder what ideas you have.” or maybe you’ll say, “I need another half-an-hour to finish up my work. I’ll check in then and see how you are.” And because you keep your promises you do check in when you are finished with your work.

Being Bored. A key ingredient for the Recipe for Being a GREAT Parent.

Now add Empty Spaces that have nothing to do with Being Bored.

Empty Spaces (and this often includes lots of nature…always an essential ingredient!). Time for your child to just BE and follow their thoughts. You, too. You need Empty Spaces….

Here’s where I’ve noticed, appreciated, and definitely enjoyed this essential ingredient of recent:

~ The mama quietly following behind her 2.5-year-old through a local greenery. This little one was concentrating on run-run-running along the brick paths, stopping to gaze at all the color around her, touching flowers oh-so-gently AND with gentle reminders to do so, following the dog who watches over all those beautiful plants, stopping to study dirt on the ground, blooms that had fallen, and more. Appreciated? How mama quietly followed (creating an Empty Space for herself, as well), 100% tuned in. What a way to respect her little one’s exploration. I mentioned my appreciation and when mama said, “We have time to waste!” I HAD to respond with, “There is not a minute being wasted here. What a wonderful and important way to deposit into YOUR child’s fast growing brain and in-charge-of-herself self.” I just couldn’t resist because, well, so MUCH was being learned in this Empty Space of time mama was giving her toddler .

~ The 9-year-old boy, by himself, poking at the boat he made from old branches of a cow parsnip plant. He had collected the hollow and wide stems, tied them together with a bit of string, and was now testing his boat in the run off of melted snow down the culvert on his street. Lost in thought, considering ways to dam up this water to create a deeper pond, pausing to smile and tell me about his ideas. Appreciated? That he was lost in his play, immersed in all things science, and given the time and space to do so–explore his world, hands-on, creative, focused, problem solving. Oh so much being learned in THIS seemingly Empty Space!

~ A certain 7-year-old in my life. Drawing and writing endlessly. Time to do so at length in his home. A mama who intentionally limits “extra-curriculars” and “have-tos” many afternoons following school and gives her son the Empty Space of following his OWN whims (along with a snack, of course ). What unfolds? Total immersement in designing monsters and bird-like creatures, complete with scientific descriptions and stories to accompany. If one is lucky, one gets to hear his stories when he is ready. If one is REALLY lucky, one gets to HAVE one of his most incredible drawings. So much happening in this Empty Space given him most days--the creativity and imagination combined with fine-motor skills and artistry combined with language and story writing and scientific discovery…whew. And just think, with her son so immersed in his own imaginative self, mama has the opportunity to relish an Empty Space for herself (or get those chores done and dinner made…!).

All of this incredible discovery and learning because of what can seem like an Empty Space we adults need to fill.

THIS is an important ingredient in the Recipe for Success…

Our ability to let go of filling what seems to be a “wasted” space and trust what can unfold, instead.

And it can make your job as a parent easier.

Today, find an Empty Space to give your child. Know that as you give them this space to BE you are providing them with opportunities absolutely key for growing well. Even if that Empty Space gets filled with the loud, upset, or any other BIG feeling (like Being Bored…!), it is valuable. Really! Essential ingredient for growing well .

Find the entire recipe for your Parenting Success right here. And enjoy!

A Tribute to My Mom

July 26, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Story Time! 2 Comments

I’ve been reflecting quite a bit since my mother passed this spring.

I find myself thinking about what a powerful influence we are for our children and my mom was for me and my girls. We often are so stressed about what we are doing and how we are doing it when it comes to raising children. Maybe pausing a moment and having me share a few of the things that have left a huge impact on me over time can help YOU pay more attention to some of those little things whether it is for your own child or another in your life.

Because, really, this is all about depositing into healthy, respectful, truly connected relationships. And my mom had a knack for that.

I am grateful for having in my heart forever and for always:

The twinkle in your eyes that you seemed to have every single day as long as I can remember. The twinkle as you lit up each time we saw each other, each time you re-connected with your granddaughters. The twinkle, the smile, the JOY that, as you grew older, came out through tears, as well .

How you never asked me to clean up my room--you just had me shut the door when we had company over . You gave me a space for me to be fully in charge of. I learned a lot from that…(and often reflected on when my own daughters’ rooms could have used a bulldozer to make a path through…)

How you always were someone I could count on to listen and HEAR me, and then offer a bit of wisdom that seemed to always be just right. And if it wasn’t, that was okay, too. I just knew you’d listen. How cool is that? I’m still working on doing that with my girls as well as you did for me.

How you plunked yourself down on my young teen daughter’s bed and admired every single one of her posters–especially enjoying the cute guy ones together…something important to a 14-year-old . And you knew that.

The respect, care, and compassion you showed for all animals--except for maybe that rat that showed up in our toilet bowl. That was rather icky and I still remember that! And how this respect, care, and compassion has rippled out to impact my life and my daughters’ in profound ways.

How you let me stay home from school the day my rabbit died.

How I, as a parent, began reflecting on all YOU did as a parent–wondering often how you and dad actually handled with such grace what I now know to be incredibly stressful, confusing, even scary. And then I try to emulate that…the grace part .

How you built relationships with my girls long-distance. Letters. Cards. Packages. Stories stories stories. And how they both relished these, kept them, and now have them even though you are gone. Thank you for that.

How you knew EXACTLY what my brothers and I were creating in the sandbox–that hole we covered with a bit of paper then sprinkled with sand…and then invited you out to walk across our Treacherous Tiger Trap. You knew, because you watched us from out the kitchen window. But you never gave it away and the good sport you were had you walking tentatively across our Treacherous Tiger Trap…and “falling” in ever so safely. Boy did we think we had you! You really were such a good sport. And you gave us space to play without adult company or seemingly watchful eyes (and constant input). That space? Ever so valuable. Something I absolutely gave your granddaughters.

How you let me lick the cookie dough. Yum. My girls, too. Being up at the counter with you (and my girls with me) cooking and measuring and licking…I still enjoy all things baking! Your granddaughters are, by the way, excellent cooks. See how your influence rippled out?!

The birthday parties and wonderfully creative cakes you made for us! Oh how that was special. So special that I had fun over the years doing the same for my girls. And now they enjoy doing them for others. A legacy from you, for certain.

All the games you played with me when I was little and more recently with my girls, husband, and myself. Your spunk and resolve to learn new games as your memory began to fail..and laugh at yourself as you had to ask and ask again how to play. And card games! I can still see you at our kitchen table with little Becky or little Emily next to you, working hard at fanning out their cards and studying the numbers and colors…all while you sat with them fully present, giving them the time and encouragement they needed to work those rascally cards. Your joy and patience ruled.

How your love for and delight in children influenced me in profound ways. And continues to. My girls, too.

I think, one of the things I’m going to miss the most is sharing all the little and big things we both love about children–from babies’ toes to scrunched up noses to squatting down on chubby legs to study a ladybug to collections of all kinds of things to posters covering walls in bedrooms to the school events when we’d both notice the restless little boy in the back row or the little girl leaning over to whisper really loud to another to those wonderfully proud moments of things won/earned/discovered to you name it and I’m going to miss sharing these with you.

Mostly I just hope that, because of you, I continue to influence my girls and others in similar ways. The work I do is because of you. Maybe that is one of your most important legacies. Work with families to parent well, be lifted, feel empowered, and experience real JOY. And JOY is what you fill my heart with. How cool is that? May I do as you have done–spread JOY.

To all you mamas out there–today, pause and appreciate yourself and all you do–little or big–with your children. Know that you are influencing them in lifelong ways. Be intentional with what you do and how you do it. And always allow yourself a bit of grace for the hard and messy. Then maybe twinkles and light and JOY can step up and lead the way.

And what a difference that can make.

I miss you mom. I treasure all my memories and I am deeply grateful for YOU. I’m glad I’ve shared that with you over the years…

Alice

Important Moments in the Day of a School-aged Child

July 16, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

Important moments in the day of a school (elementary!) aged child:

Our sincere and present good-byes and hellos…

…as we send our child off to school and welcome them back home. No cell phone in hand, please. The joy of our little rituals–kisses, hugs, high-fives, eye twinkles, “Tell me about your day!”–leave our kids feeling loved, safe, and connected. A wonderful way to head into school ready to learn, out of school ready to re-connect.

Down time!

Instead of moving on to the next scheduled activity, it is the time to kick back, focus on what they feel like–building forts, getting lost in a book, playing with friends, creating an elaborate Lego structure, kickball outside, swinging high and long. Protecting this time and space is key for a child to grow well.

Playing with friends…

…whether with one or a group, elementary kids are all about friendships. Best Friends Forever, Secret Clubs, “You’re my friend because you like grape popsicles, too!” All those social skills you hope your child will figure out? Here is where they blossom…especially when we stay on the periphery, or out of it entirely. This is their time to discover how to be fair, kind, compassionate, accepting. Hurt feelings abound…and with our compassion and understanding, they can pick themselves back up and try again. Amazingly resilient!

Mealtime with the family…

…whether it is breakfast, lunch, or dinner, coming together with the whole family does more for building positive, healthy relationships then just about anything else. A time to hear their stories, to laugh, to learn good manners. A time to know for sure they belong somewhere. A time to know for sure they are safe, loved, cared for, respected…that mom or dad are truly interested in who they are becoming, what they are thinking about, what they like and don’t like. Respect. What an opportunity.

Games!

With friends or family, game playing absorbs our school-age kids. Board games, card games, pick-me-up kick ball, baseball, capture the flag games. Silly, made-up games, rhyming games, hopscotch, hide and seek, chase and tag. This is an essential part of learning and growing social skills, give and take, how to win or lose, cooperation, physical abilities, complex thinking skills…learning that truly stimulates the brain in amazing ways preparing them for the increasingly difficult academia they will be immersed in. No need for competitive/organized sports–just plenty of time to play non-adult directed (kid-directed!) games.

Our quiet company as they get hurt, feel left out, lose their best friend…

Our willingness to sit alongside them in their upset as they experience any kind of hurt, to show our respect for how they feel, give them our company and our compassion…this is essential for our children. And our willingness to let go of trying to fix it for them is equally key, for now we communicate our confidence in their ability to manage them selves; now they are just a bit stronger for the next round of uncomfortable feelings bound to happen.

Simple moments in the day of a school-age child…moments that are essential for us to provide, be present to, and protect. Know that with your attention to these you are giving your child just what she or he needs to be better able to grow strong, healthy, and well.

Go play a game today! Want to learn more about school-aged kids? Check out this: Elementary Kids!

Continue…

Important Moments in the Day of a Toddler

July 9, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Important moments in the day of a toddler…

…Filling, dumping, and filling (and dumping again!) just about anything. Your cupboard full of pans, all that laundry you so carefully folded and put in the laundry basket or actually got back into the drawer, the dirt in your garden or potted plant, the mushy peas one at a time into the cup of milk…and out again (uh-oh!). Filling and dumping and digging and pouring is important work…its math work…its understanding the world work.

…Routines! Bedtime, nap time, diaper time, bath time, story time, meal time, daycare time. The routines you stick to make a world of difference to a toddler. Those 3 books, 2 songs, and back rub for bedtime? The more you stick with it, the easier bedtime can be. Routines toddlers can count on help them feel safe in their world. Safe, secure, and now able to manage better all those LOUD feelings they may have about things. You, too

…Calm and consistent follow through on your part! Oh yes. Toddlers need to know what the rules are, the expectations, the framework. They need to know you are coming back after nap, that they ARE all done with lunch when food starts going other places other than their plate or mouth, that throwing blocks will be stopped, that you really will sing two songs like you said you would. What a difference this makes for them!

…Choices!! And only a few at a time (too many all at once is ever-so-overwhelming!). Like when they get to choose between the red and blue cup, or zipping their jacket or having you help them, or holding hands and march march marching or being picked up and carried. With choices, they feel empowered! In charge of themselves–something key for this age. Independent, oh yes. What a way to help our toddler grow their capable and competent selves.

…Saying NO! And delighting in all that means. And watching how we respond! Nononononononono may mean, “This is a fun word to say and I can say it easily!” to “Look at the attention I get when I say it..” to “NO. I don’t WANT that.” Our job? To keep our eyes twinkling. To be clear, calm, and consistent with what their choices are. To affirm feelings. To be gentle and light-hearted as much as possible. To let those “NO”s be the practice they really are–for your toddler to define his world in his way. Independence at its best.

…Opportunities to be in charge of themselves! We get to decide the food we serve them in bits and pieces, it is their job to work at eating it–messily, poking it, squishing it, mushing it around and spitting it out. We get to set up our home as best as possible for them to freely and safely explore in, they get to do the exploring–at their pace, with their ideas, with our quiet observation and affirmation of their work, feelings, struggles, success. We get to let them know it is time to change that diaper; they get to decide how it is changed (a wrestling match? With them holding everything? On the floor…bed…table…standing…lying down…with chase games in-between?)

…Goodbyes and hellos! What an important part of their life. They are working hard at understanding this disappearing act that happens, the concept of here and gone. Confusing, when we adults forget this and just leave. Or sweep them up with no warning to leave. Our intentional letting them know what to expect (those routines, again!), our consistent follow through of what we say, our respect for how they feel about it all (and still get it done, calmly…) is key for them to get a sense of order of it all.

Toddlers! What a time of expanding independence. What a time of incredible growth towards their capable, competent selves.

Our job? Practicing often our ability to PAUSE so we can be calm, clear, consistent in all we do with them. Including letting our eyes TWINKLE. And the Two’s become Terrific!

More toddler antics here: Toddlers! Totally Terrific

Alice

Oh Those Favorite Stuffed Guys!

June 26, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and enjoyed…

…The well loved and stuffed special guy tucked in a pocket of a bike trailer alongside the special guy’s little boy. Never leave home without it! Those special guys? Whether they are stuffed, a blanky, a plastic horse, a toy truck, they are important. I so appreciated how the mom pulling her son along the trails respected the importance of keeping her son’s special guy close.

Special guys provide the security and familiar that is often

necessary as little ones navigate their world.

This they can be in charge of. And often the special guys are the ‘lens’ through which they soak up experiences:

“My special guy is worried about being touched by the other kids” as you walk into preschool or daycare.

“Look at what my special guy and I can do on this jungle gym!” as together they manage the scary height they are scaling.

“My special guy is ALL DONE with his nap!”

And oh, the stories and memories that special guys bring through the years! My grown daughters both have their stuffed kitty and horse still with them…and we remember the time the horse spent a week in a restaurant, waiting patiently for us to return; the time kitty had to get washed…and the alligator tears shed while waiting; the time both went wheeeee down a snowy hill, encased in their plastic bag snowsuits!

Memories. They are the stories that provide continued moments of meaningful connection…. 🙂

…The parents with a young toddler and preschooler at a local sporting event. Their calm approach and presence to their children gave both kids a safe place to climb around on empty seats, feel heard and understood when a leg got pinched in a chair and tears fell, throw balls within the contained space dad provided.

The parents’ quiet presence to their children

gifted them lovely moments…

…such as the delight on their 16-month-old’s face as he recognized a favorite babysitter, their 3-year-old spontaneously sharing her cookie with her brother, the intent upon their faces as they studied the goings-on all around them. I noticed that the parents noticed these little moments, and I loved that. They didn’t miss a thing and the smiles they and my husband and I exchanged as we all soaked up these little moments were equally appreciated. More memories made as they stayed quietly present to their children…

…The 8-year-old both shy and eager to show two somewhat familiar adults her handstands, cartwheels, “Hot Cross Buns” on her wooden flute, “The Alaska Flag Song” on the piano. It was a joy to watch her sparkle, to hope we’ll pay attention (we did!), to see her parents give her the space to move with exuberance through their house…at times gently ‘containing’ her via snuggles on the couch.

Their ease with her exuberance communicated confidence in her

ability to control herself, to listen, to know that who she is and how she feels is A-Okay with them.

Without this ease, her exuberant self could have tipped the less desirable way and become the acting out that starts to push buttons. I so appreciated how instead they channeled it positively, gave her gentle reminders of the boundaries (“Give your brother space on the couch, please”; “Your tumbling can be done outside”), and then gave her the affirming attention as she chose just what they wanted to see more of.

What have you noticed, appreciated, or enjoyed of recent? What little moments put a smile on your face? How has your quiet presence influenced your children? Things to think about today…

Preschoolers! Hang on for the ride…

May 9, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

Threes, fours, and fives—WOW!

Hang on to your hat, you are in for a ride! Everything over-the-top, LOUD, fast, bigger- better- stronger. Exuberance to the max. As well as SHY to an extreme…

The growth in these years is astounding and due to this we are often caught trying to catch up with just how capable and competent they are–and if you are having an experience like I did, that “catching up” takes…months, sometimes!

Preschoolers can:

~ Use their imagination and truly pretend. Our job? To give them plenty of lengthy times to play without our direction. Just play—this ability to imagine and create needs time and space to nurture and is essential for optimal brain growth and all future learning. This means with OUT screens…and WITH lots of wonderful open-ended items to play with such as blocks, hats, dirt and sticks and buckets, art supplies, playdough, Band Aids, boxes, and time. Time with no agenda; time to think their own thoughts and try on their own ideas…

~ Express themselves loudly and exuberantly! Rather like a volcano exploding at times (quite often). Giving them the space and opportunity to be loud and exuberant respects this energy in them; steering them gently towards appropriate expression is our job. “I can see you are really, really mad. Letʼs stomp our feet extra hard down the hall and get your mad out!” “Quiet voices are for the library. I can see you really want to use your loud voice. Letʼs head outside and you can be as loud as you want.” Or…”You are really upset. I will stop you from hurting me. I think it is time we took a break so you can calm down…” And show them just what taking a break means.

~ Share! Watch this emerge from turn taking to really playing with another, freely trading back and forth and imagining together. Is it a bit reactive at times? You bet—necessarily so. Sharing comes with feelings of disappointment, frustration, patience, joy. Notice it, affirm it, and do your best to stay out of it. Preschoolers are quite good at figuring things out when adults stay on the sidelines instead of in the mix, “Looks like you both are wanting to use the truck. What can you do about that?”

~ Take care of their bodyʼs needs quite well, from toileting to bathing to eating. Give them lots of opportunity to wash themselves (and do your best to let go of perfection), choose and prepare their own snacks, decide how much of their meal they want to eat until they feel done. Our job? Ask questions such as, “Would you like help in the bathroom? Let me know if you do.” “You feel full? Okay. Iʼll save your plate in case you change your mind later.”

~ Cook, clean, create. Include them often in meal preparation—show them the recipe, let them measure things, help them stir things in the frying pan; include them in chores—they like to feel a part of what makes a family and home work. Let them fold, mop, sweep, vacuum, sort, scrub. Show them how to work with tools—hammers and nails, screwdrivers, paint—real and meaningful work. Always.

Preschoolers need our calm, consistent, caring interactions; our affirmation and naming of their BIG feelings; our focus on and celebration of their abilities rather than the results of their attempts.

Be amazed by your preschooler! Up the ante on choices and opportunities to be in charge of themselves and watch the magic that can unfold…

Now your child can feel more in charge of his or her self and respected and encouraged by you-and truly empowered!

From this place of empowerment you will discover your job gets easier, your relationship more joyful, family life richer. And now, no matter the ride, you will discover the delight in all things preschooler…even as your buttons are pushed YOUR sense of humor will lead the way a bit more…really!

Celebrate your childʼs abilities today!

With joy and appreciation,

Alice

Elementary Kids!

May 8, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

Elementary kids! Busy, busy, busy. You AND them!

Their world opens up and their capable, competent selves settle into a wonderful rhythm.

Your elementary child is ready to:

~ Conquer all forms of game playing! Board games, playground games, made up games. Expect hotly contested ideas, notice how lots of energy is put into the forming of a game or team…and at times never actually played! Your child is taking hold of and getting better at problem solving, creativity, negotiations, understanding and building friendships. Our job? To be sure and give them the time and space and freedom to get immersed in all forms of games (child-led especially in the earlier years…formal team opportunities later…)

~ Manage their schoolwork. This capability builds through elementary years–and is fostered by having an environment conducive to homework and parents able to balance helping and stepping back. Kids want to take ownership of their work and show how capable they can be! Mistakes and all. Our job? To provide the space and time and SNACKS to do the work, be available when help is asked for, encourage and ask questions…and create the healthy balance that at times homework interrupts and displaces…

~ Make mistakes and struggle. No need to fix or rescue! Just be there to walk through the tough experience with them respectfully and with your confidence in them—and watch their capable, competent selves expand in amazing ways. Do so in these years and you help them build the ‘muscle’ necessary for success with harder struggles later. And your muscle at stepping back and walking alongside grows stronger—just in time for the teen years

~ Explore a wide variety of interests at their own pace. A truly industrious period—able to take an idea, formulate a plan of action, and follow through, whether building forts, collecting favorite items, doing a school project, a play they create with a friend. Crafts and games are favorites and exemplify just what they are growing their competence in—independent, creative thought and action.

~ Build real and lasting friendships. Learning what makes a good friend includes hurt feelings, disappointment, feeling left out…as well as joy, energy, amazing ideas. Sad parts grow compassion and empathy; joyful parts help a child identify what it is they really like in a friendship. Our job? Allow all experiences, for they help grow an individual ready to be a truly great friend to others. And keep our problem solving selves on the side line so feelings really can be respected, felt, figured out

Enjoy them, for in the blink of an eye they will be teens and then adults and off on their own adventures…hopefully still wanting to join YOU in a game or adventure!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

All due to the lack of hands on, sensory and language rich,

relationship based, whole body experiences. The way young children LEARN and grow. Optimally.

Ideas for you as you work at juggling the HARD of life:

All of this? It requires a few things from you.

Now using a screen is a treat, limited, useful, and no longer displacing all the hands-on, sensory and language rich, relationship based, whole body experiences our children need in order to grow well.

So much learning. All from CONNECTION. Connection that says “YOU are a capable and competent learner!”

Down time. Space. Unscheduled time. Screen-free time.

Play time (again, us, too).

Here’s what this kind of PAUSE can do; this kind of Unscheduled Time. Especially for our children.

So HOW do you help a child learn to PAUSE? Both kinds of pausing?

Let Unscheduled Time become Regular Time in your home.

Important moments in the day of a preschooler…

Preschoolers. A time of amazing discovery

and growth; a time of expanded independence. Enjoy today watching how they embrace their world with exuberance, joy, curiosity, and wonder.

What wonderful ways to build connected, respectful, joy-filled relationships.

Home-made play-dough!

Child: “Daddy, how big is a blue whale?”

Dad: “I’m not sure. Let’s ask Google—how big is a blue whale?”

Google: “A blue whale is….”

When our go-to is to just get the answer,

ESPECIALLY when doing so with a child, there is so much being

missed and displaced.

This extra time? It is what

rich and meaningful relationships are made of.

Noticed, appreciated, and enjoyed:

Lovely moments. Relationship building moments.

Moments that say, “I care, I know you can do it, I have confidence in you, your feelings are okay, you’re safe, you can count on me, you are a competent and capable person.”

Hurried children. Too much too soon often equals not enough.

Hurried children. It can also mean TOO much.

The results? These hurried children can seem

to do exceptionally well until all of a sudden they don’t.

And yet, more often than not when we get caught up in

hurrying our children, it really is more about us.

When we hurry, we are no longer paying

attention to what their developmental need is–we miss important things in our child’s life.

No struggles, no trying to make their little ones color ‘the right way’, positive encouragement to keep the color on the paper, and calm acceptance of the explorations this age naturally does.

To play. To imagine. To be in charge of himself. What a joy!

Important ways for toddlers to play. Meaningful work. Repetitive work. Learning more about themselves work.

BOXES! One of the best playthings from crawlers and on.

Children lost in their play. Just as it should be.

For that is important to young children,

this sharing and affirmation of what they are doing. This is the

CONNECTION so necessary for building healthy

relationships, brains, LIFE.

Yet when rescuing our child becomes the go-to

response–when we jump in and fix “problems” often–we are now displacing the experiences necessary for a child to grow

their capable, confident selves.

WITHOUT the distraction of the phone, mama could have…

All of this? Without the distraction the phone creates it becomes real and meaningful CONNECTION.

And it is this rich language in real time with an important-to-them adult that has our little ones’ brains firing away, building all those neural pathways necessary for ALL things, speech included.

A story to (hopefully!) delight you as much as it did me:

Toddler, Grandfather, wagon, and All Things Construction.

REAL learning. Hands on, Sensory and Language Rich,

Relationship-based, Whole Body LEARNING.

Noticed, appreciated, and enjoyed…

THIS is relationship building.

Let’s talk play. And schools. And all things essential for children to grow well and optimally, to THRIVE.

Here’s what I’m hearing about and seeing as a result of play–hands on, sensory and language rich, whole body and relationship based experiences–being displaced and even removed from schools:

PLAY. Explore. Tousle. Debate. Get messy. MOVE. Create. Imagine.

Important moments in the day of a baby…

Little moments in the life of a baby. Your full and respectful

presence at these times provides your little one with

the experiences needed to grow well.

Noticed, appreciated, and enjoyed…

Dad communicated fully “You matter to me.”

And the children glowed.

Put your attention to what you can appreciate,

to greeting everything as an opportunity, to simply

connecting with those you are with.

Notice the joy that fills you.

Simple things noticed and enjoyed:

Simple moments. Moments of real connection. Relationship-building moments!

What can you do for your child that can…

PLAY.

EXPLORATION.

CREATIVITY.

TIME.

Play. Exploration. Creativity. Give your child the gift of TIME.

They deserve it and so do you.

Simple moments noticed and appreciated:

So much learning. All from CONNECTION.
Connection that says “YOU are a capable and competent learner!”

**So HOW do you help a child learn to PAUSE? Both kinds of pausing?**

**Hurried children. It can also mean TOO much.**