Teens

Tag: Teens

You are not responsible FOR your child…

April 22, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

You are not responsible FOR your children.

Stay with me, here. I know this raises a few eyebrows! All that I’m about to share comes from my growth through reading and presenting what I found to be one of the most positively impactful parenting books I’ve come across– ScreamFree Parenting, by Hal Runkel.

If you are responsible FOR your children, then you need to start right now in getting them to think, feel, and behave in the ‘right’ ways.

When they make a mistake, struggle, hurt another–if you are responsible FOR them, then you need to somehow fix their mistake, stop their struggle, make them be gentle and kind. All good, important, even necessary things for us to want for our children.

When we are responsible for our kids we are
trying to get them to think, feel, and behave a certain way usually so WE can feel better.

And yes, it may be a benefit to them to think, feel and behave as we’d like–we are the older and wiser person here. And we certainly don’t want our kids to 1) make the same mistakes we did because it really was painful for us, 2) make any mistake that might leave US in an awkward or upsetting position, and 3) do it differently from us because we do know better and are right. Right?

We care deeply for our children. We want the best for them. Hence, this really can be way more about our anxiety. Our attempt to get our child to think, feel, and behave a certain way (our way) often ends up undermining our relationship–never what any of us intend; it often ends up creating a LOUD and button-pushing household (often just what we are trying to avoid!), and certainly doesn’t help grow a child who can be responsible for themselves. Why should they, if we keep taking responsibility for them?!

What does being responsible FOR your child look like? Nagging, yelling, threatening, cajoling, avoiding, bribing…things we all do at times and I know I still catch myself doing (yep, even with adult children…:-)): “If they’d only…then I wouldn’t have to…” “Man! If I can get them to just listen to me then they wouldn’t have to (be hurt, embarrassed, fail…).”

We step into this ‘responsible for’ place because now we can or want to feel like a good parent, less embarrassed, in control, relieved…and NOT taking responsibility for them in the moment often means now dealing with our feeling like a failure, thoroughly embarrassed, totally anxious, even heartbroken. Never a whole lot of fun, and often very difficult–managing our own feelings. Hence our inclination to jump in and take responsibility for them…

It can sound like “Cut it out or I’m going to lose it!” “Ok, ok, you can have another cookie, just stop whining.” “If you’d only listened to me you wouldn’t be having this problem!” “Here, let me do it for you. It’s too hard. I don’t want you to mess up…”

It may be doing whatever it takes so they’ll get straight A’s and we can feel “I’ve done my job well; I have a smart kid; I’m a good parent; they’ll be sure to head to a good college.” Whew. Wouldn’t that make things easier? It may be doing whatever it takes to stop them from throwing a fit so you don’t feel embarrassed and instead feel in control. Ever tried making a tantruming preschooler stop? Exhausting and rarely on OUR preferred timeline :-). Or how about a tantruming teen? They are even tougher to try to make stop…

Here’s the deal.

What our kids’ ‘hear’ when we are busy taking responsibility for them is we do not have confidence in their abilities to learn and manage themselves; we cannot handle how THEY feel or behave.

Talk about rocking their world–to have the most mature person unable to handle the least mature one’s thoughts, feelings, or actions.And this often leaves US reacting in less than wonderful ways. “If they’d only get over it…cut it out…quit feeling so mad…stop all that blubbering!” Or maybe we are doing just the opposite–doing whatever we can to make them feel happy again, or doing whatever we can to make sure they don’t fall down, get hurt, lose…anything so they’ll be okay.

As a result a child may act up and push even harder to have a bit of control over their lives. Or maybe now they really don’t NEED to manage whatever the problem or struggle is, because we are so busy (and probably simultaneously complaining about) doing it for them–compliance can look this way. Or maybe they learn that treats are how to feel happy again…or perhaps never learn how to manage disappointment or an injury because we’ve always been there to rescue them, make it all “okay.”

Or maybe we are so mad because we can’t successfully get them to do what it is we want them to do or how to do it or how to feel about it that our child hides out of fear…or gives in just to (hopefully) get us to quit being so upset. Compliance can look this way, too. Crazy, isn’t it, when you think about this? And part of so many relationship struggles in our lives. Truly relationship depleting and exhausting. We do it as parents, and we do it in our marriages and friendships, too. Yes, I STILL do it, though, thankfully I’ve tipped the balance towards being responsible TO.

However…even as we are not responsible FOR our kids, we DO have tremendous responsibility as parents.

We are responsible TO our children.

We are responsible TO them for how we structure their environment–both physically and emotionally; for how we understand child development, ages and stages, their needs and how we answer those needs; and perhaps most importantly…we are responsible TO them for how WE think, feel, and behave.

When we act responsible TO our children, we are focused first on ourselves (via a PAUSE, quite often!), we are in charge of how WE think, feel, and behave rather than putting all our attention on how our children are doing the same; we take care of our own anxious feelings so those feelings are less likely to ‘lead the way’ in situations–which, with anxious feelings calmed down, leads to way more relationship building interactions. Even when that interaction is a NO.

It leads to truly being intentional with how we
decide to be, to feel, to act.

Now we have an opportunity to be in a position to positively influence our children to learn on their own and to motivate themselves to make healthier choices. To take responsibility for themselves. Key for growing well and into a healthy adulthood.

Now our children ‘hear’ our confidence in them, our respect for how they think and feel…they can now count on us to keep it together no matter what they do. This is where trust is built and respect nurtured…and this is how children can learn through the years to take responsibility for themselves.

You are responsible to your child. To be the adult they need you to be, to understand and trust in who your child is becoming, to give them real opportunity to learn about themselves, what they like and don’t like, what they can and cannot do…to grow optimally.

PAUSE. And step back today and consider first if the way you want to react is based on anxious feelings, on trying to get them to behave the ‘right’ way…or if you can instead calm your own anxiety, appreciate your deep love and concern for them, and then look at the person you are growing and intending to grow, and respond in such a way they can take a little more charge of their own selves and feel capable, respected, trusted.

This parenting deal? It is a huge, difficult, incredibly rewarding growth process for all involved. Keep your attention on what you want the most–self-directed, responsible, awesome future adults and caring relationships based on trust and respect. Easier said than done and it all begins with awareness. You can do it.

Let a PAUSE lead the way.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Our Children Need to PAUSE, Too

February 9, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment

There are two kinds of PAUSE, you know.

So much is being shared about how our children and young adults have such increasingly high anxiety. Depression. “Mis”behavior. Problems. A real lack of well-being. Us, too, I believe. And what keeps coming up more and more is what is needed more of.

Down time. Space. Unscheduled time. Screen-free time.

Play time (again, us, too).

A PAUSE. Because really, that’s what this is all about.

There are two kinds of PAUSE. At least, in the simple way of talking about it. The first kind–what I like to call “PAUSE at its Basic”–is when we are able to take that moment in a heated situation to calm ourselves down. The cool thing is how, each time we succeed and each time we reflect on where we DO pause, even unknowingly, we are exercising and strengthening our PAUSE muscle. For that is what it is, a muscle.

This is the PAUSE you are all most familiar with as you follow me…mostly because you are in the midst of all things KIDS and the chaos and challenges and conflict this brings.

And there is another kind of PAUSE. I like to call it “taking PAUSE deeper.” It happens when we have been regularly exercising our PAUSE muscle in all those heated moments. We begin to realize we’ve integrated PAUSE into our lives in all kinds of ways, slowing us down a bit, having us feeling steady despite chaos whirling around. Others comment on our calmer energy or our ability to be strong and steady, or how they feel better around us. We often feel clearer about what we are doing and want to do.

This second kind of PAUSE? THIS is what all of us need more of. Especially our children. It’s a kind of physical and emotional space. Space to muse, play, be bored, think our own thoughts, be present to ourselves, check out a bit, take care of ourselves…you name it–and it all comes down to Unscheduled Time. No matter how briefly.

Here’s what this kind of PAUSE can do; this kind of Unscheduled Time. Especially for our children.

It can…

…help our child experience their feelings–the first step to understanding, processing, and eventually managing them.

…rejuvenate and recharge our child (and us) after an upsetting or tiring experience.

…help our child learn so much more about themselves–what they like, don’t like, can or cannot do, and more.

…leave our child (and us!) feeling calmer, more centered, ultimately stronger from within. How cool is that?

…allow our kids to think their OWN thoughts. Come up with their OWN ideas. Expand on their imagination and creative selves. All so ever essential for learning all through life, doing well in school, being brain and body healthy. For growing optimally.

…foster the ever-so-important self reflection that allows our child (and us!) to productively move through any difficult experience or stage.

Unscheduled Time even includes a good night’s sleep. The kind that doesn’t include ANY screen time prior to it. The kind that is absolutely essential for our brains to rest and process and be healthy.

Unscheduled Time includes being bored. As a matter of fact, being bored is very important. Because when we give our child the respect of a PAUSE as they complain about “being bored” we actually give them the gift of self-reflection. Imagination. Creativity. Problem solving. Downtime that turns into creative and productive time.

Unscheduled Time means way less adult-directed “intervention” in our child’s play.

**So HOW do you help a child learn to PAUSE? Both kinds of pausing?**

Ideas for you:

Show them, when they are losing it, falling apart, mad and out of control, just what a PAUSE looks like. A time to regroup–maybe in your lap or in their room or somewhere else. A time that is way less about a “punishment” and WAY more about how to take the break necessary to calm down.

Show them that it is their job to PLAY by giving them plenty of time and space to do so. If playing on their own is difficult, then choose open-ended things to play alongside with them–play dough, Lego, coloring, kicking around outside together.

Show them how YOU take breaks. How YOU head into your room to gather yourself and calm down. How you intentionally create even a brief moment of “me time” that gives you the space you need.

Let go of what can seem like “wasted time” as your teen hangs out on their bed at length doing “nothing.”

Let go of trying to direct and control just how your child plays or what they play with and try just noticing how they busy themselves. What a way to show respect for their choices and desires.

Let go of thinking you need to plan every minute of the weekend in order to “keep it all together” or “make sure everyone gets along” or to just feel in control of what otherwise feels like total chaos.

Provide toys of open-ended nature. Blocks. Lego. Dolls. Water play. Sand play. BOOKS. Dress-up clothes. Art supplies (fewer coloring books and way more PAPER). Craft supplies–especially the kind that isn’t set up to make something specific. Just supplies they can dive into, create, get messy.

Go OUT-doors as often and as long as possible. Maybe with them, maybe all by their selves. No need to have a ton of toys and equipment available. Keep it simple. Water. Balls. Bikes. A wagon. Bucket and shovel. Dirt. Sticks. Moss. Running and climbing and building and hiding and rolling and tag and forts and OH so much to do outside!

So many ways to grow that Unscheduled Time. Even when life feels incredibly scheduled due to work, daycare, school, errands. Maybe it’s just not filling the car with digital devices and “things to do” as you run from one thing to the next. Maybe it’s keeping that 20 minutes of time and space between dinner and brushing teeth wide open with no expectations. Maybe it’s thinking ahead and having something set up on the table to entice your kids into their own world of play while you scramble to get dinner going–maybe as simple as scissors and paper. Or (my favorite) play dough. Or a few ingredients for them to have fun mixing together. Maybe it’s making Saturday morning of every weekend a hang out on the floor in jammies morning and just…hanging. No plans. At least, for the kids :-).

Today, PAUSE. Show your child how to PAUSE, as well. Give them the time and space they need in order to grow well. To be healthy, in control of themselves, feeling strong from the inside out.

**Find PAUSE and all of Alice’s books here!**

Let Unscheduled Time become Regular Time in your home.

What a gift to your child AND you.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Through the Lens of Appreciation

December 16, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

Obstinate and stubborn or Fiercely Independent?

Talking back and argumentative or Skilled Negotiator?

Shy and all-too-quiet or Astute Observer?

Cry baby and incompetent or Sensitively Aware?

How you decide to ‘look’ at your child determines

what you (and they) experience…and then influences how

you choose to respond.

Consider these:

~ Your child is the one in a group situation who hangs at the periphery seemingly not engaging at all…and it worries you, “He’s missing out!” What is different for you if you see and appreciate it as your child is an Astute Observer who is seeing and feeling lots of things you don’t notice and are unaware of–that instead of missing out, they are soaking it up? Now how might you interact with them following this ‘periphery experience’?

~ Your child falls apart at the slightest thing–and always has since infancy! You wish that she’d be less the cry baby and able to ‘handle’ what comes her way. What is different for you as you appreciate how Sensitively Aware she is of all her feelings? What might you do differently as you look at her as handling her deep feelings in just the way that works best for her?

~ Or maybe you have a child (like I did) who constantly and annoyingly negotiates with you every step of the way, throwing right back at you THEIR solutions that you often know, without a doubt, aren’t ever going to be a choice. And of course it pushes your button and you end up in an argument that keeps on escalating. What if you saw this as your child being a Skilled Negotiator working hard at learning to problem solve in effective ways…or CAN learn if you step in seeing this as the strength it can be?! (Tough, I know. I’ve been there!)

~ Perhaps it is all the eye-rolling and sarcastic comments flung at you from your teen that really pushes your button to the Nth degree…URGH! What is different when you look at it as his way of coping with all the inner turmoil teens often experience? That he is trying super hard to keep himself together in the midst of extreme ups and downs? To be in control of himself? That the Skilled Negotiator, Fiercely Independent and Sensitively Aware inner strengths are ramping up all at once? Now what might you say or do the next time sarcasm, eye-rolling, and button pushing is flung your way?

~ The off-the-wall rambunctiousness of your child after school–talking at you constantly, moving their body full speed ahead, wanting your attention and time to play with you…and you just want it to be QUIET. Why can’t they just come home and chill for a while???

What is different for you as you recognize and appreciate that your child is an extrovert, unloading the stress of school and recharging by fully engaging you? And what is different as you recognize you really are an introvert who is Sensitively Aware and needs quiet time to recharge while your child is busily recharging himself in the way that works for him…?

~ Or maybe it is the opposite–your child comes home from school and says nary two words to you, disappearing into her room at length. You are dancing around this, wanting so much to know how her day went, what homework she has, who she ate lunch with, what things are to be planned for in the next few day. What could be different if you saw your child’s retreat as her way of taking care of herself so she can be at her best? That her Sensitively Aware and Astute Observer self is stepping up as she takes herself off to recharge–and this quiet time is exactly what she needs?

I think (actually, I know) all kinds of things could be different. Different in an appreciative, affirming, relationship-building way. Different in how your child understands themselves, listens to you, cooperates, collaborates, grows in healthy ways. And this reframing (for that is what it is) can be tough. Especially in the moment. So…

What does this require of YOU?

Pausing, often. Intentionally reframing what you see. Depositing into YOUR Self-Care-Savings Account regularly. Reflecting on the kind of future adult you intend to grow. Acknowledging your own strengths–when you can be patient, calm, feel connected in relationship-building ways. Appreciating your SELF.

With practice and time, all kinds of cool things begin to happen. You will find yourself calming down, and appreciating who they are just a bit more. And as you calm down, I believe you’ll discover how you choose to respond to your child will be in ways that support and encourage and affirm them for who they are and actually grow what really are strengths that are necessary to be a future successful adult. I know what was relationship-depleting can become relationship-building, absolutely.

In return, your child can feel respected, understood, and empowered…

And now…

The child on the periphery may begin to move into the group and engage…what a way to grow their capable, competent, confident selves, able to use their strength at Astutely Observing and thrive.

The child that feels so deeply begins to understand and accept her feelings even more–allowing her to manage those feelings better and better…essential for growing well. Now their Sensitively Aware strength benefits them and all their relationships in rich and meaningful ways.

The annoying negotiator begins to feel you are on board as a team player and will begin to brainstorm solutions and truly problem solve…and now that strength at Skilled Negotiating truly steps up and can lead the way.

The eye-rolling/sarcastic stuff from your teen can lessen…and they may begin to get clearer and open up about what is really troubling them. Their Fiercely Independent selves begin to take responsibility for themselves…and that independence? Key for successful adulthood.

The introvert and extroverts feel accepted as-is, allowing them to feel recharged and able to engage in ways that work for all…what a way to nurture the Astute Observer, Skilled Negotiator, Sensitively Aware, and Fiercely Independent strengths that grow a child who is fully in charge of themselves! Self-directed and responsible. How cool is that?

And now, relationships can truly thrive!

I encourage you to try looking at the behavior that stirs up your anxiety through a lens of appreciation…

And as you switch up how you look at their behavior and appreciate what they are working hard at, notice what is different for you, for your child, how it influences a situation. As you practice this, let me know what changes for you…because things will change, this I can promise.

Appreciation. It changes lives.

With JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Delighting in Children

December 3, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Social Emotional Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and oh so enjoyed!:

~ The Mama who, with a group of eager adults wanting to hear her 2-year-old’s rendition of “Frosty the Snowman”, respectfully asked her little one, “Shall we teach them Frosty?” What was greatly appreciated is how what could have been an attempt to “make him perform” via, perhaps, saying “Sing them the song!” or “Can you show them how you can sing it? Come on…you know the words…” instead turned into an opportunity for her toddler to decide–on his own–just what he felt like doing with no cajoling or bribing or pressure.

What happened? Those words, “Shall we teach them Frosty?” had little guy scanning our attentive (and hopeful!) faces and launching into Frosty–in just the way a toddler does. We all delighted in it, joined in, and it became a wonderful, connected, joyful song that was sung over and over and over again…all because Mr. 2 wanted to! Just writing about this has me smiling all over again…

~ The 7-year-old boy who slowed his full-speed-ahead self down around the 2-year-old in just the right way. Playing tag by putting the brakes on just as he neared the toddler to then gently TAP him on the shoulder; stopping his perpetually moving body to plop next to Mr. 2 and ask him where each piece of a puzzle belonged–“Where does the BLUE piece go?” And waited patiently as Mr. 2 studied, pointed, and delighted in being asked.

And then the two of them going round and round the Christmas tree studying the ornaments, finding the ones of great interest, talking and touching–“remember! One finger touches!”–and sharing. And the incredible patience and tolerance and creative solutions Mr. 7 had as he taught his favorite young adult a version of checkers all the while and on the side engaging with Mr. 2 who wanted in on the game, as well…

~ The young adult upon returning home from lengthy travels for the holidays and being met by a certain favorite 7-year-old at the airport, signs of congratulations included, knelt down and opened her arms to him…sat back and admired his crayon-colored signs…discussed the various symbols he had drawn…full presence to Mr. 7 despite the general chaos around her.

And all l-o-n-g before she stood up and gave her parents their much-awaited HUG.

Lovely. Truly! Her attention to her relationship with Mr. 7…the message communicated to him–how important he is to her, how interested and curious she is about his work, how much she enjoys all things HIM…no wonder he loves and delights in her; she, him.

What wonderful ways to build connected, respectful, joy-filled relationships.

So today, look–really LOOK–at those around you. Notice the little moments. PAUSE in your running around trying to get everything done and notice. Then appreciate–yourself for pausing, your child for a smile moment, another parent for working hard at keeping it together. For these little moments? They count. They add up over time to become the huge and important ones. The ones that make the most difference. Really!

And share with me, here, if you’d like–something you’ve noticed and enjoyed. That way we can spread the joy…

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

A Favorite Way to Play!

November 23, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, School and education Comment

Looking for (digital-free) ways to play? Here’s one of my favorites…

Home-made play-dough!

(Recipe at end of post 🙂

)

Good for toddlers through teens (ever given a group of teens play-dough to have fun with??)…no need to provide anything else, initially–just warm, off the stove, home-made play-dough to poke, squish, pound, flatten, roll, stack, pinch, and squish all over again!

Want to lengthen and evolve the play? Try adding a butter knife for cutting and pieces of drinking straws (we like to cut them into 1 inch pieces or so…). Toothpicks for older than toddler are fun, too. Porcupines made, candles to be blown out, little holes and circles made to decorate.

Add a spatula and a plate for serving up Play Dough Cake! Or Play Dough Pizza… 🙂 Cookie cutters are fun, too.

Our daughters loved collecting a few of their small plastic animals and making animal play dough parades…walking their toy critters across play-dough for guessing “Whose foot prints are THOSE, Mommy?!”

Or squishing play-dough saddles on top of each critter…or making nests and “beds” for them to sleep in. Add a small muffin tin and then the play starts all over again–filling, making pies, cupcakes, or rolling little pieces of play-dough into balls and filling each muffin tin.

So much learned and experienced as your child squishes and pounds and plays. Creativity and focused attention nurtured; getting lost in their own imagination–something key for healthy growth; small motor skills encouraged; math galore as they help you measure and mix, as they fill and empty and add and lengthen and cut and shorten; feelings soothed; truly a hands on, sensory rich experience that truly grows healthy brains!

When done? Just plop it all into a ziplock bag or other airtight container and save for the next time Play-Dough Fun is to be had!

Enjoy! My favorite play-dough–especially when first off the stove and warm!

Here’s to you today as you look for ways to play…

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

www.denaliparentcoaching.com

The Power of Role Modeling

November 3, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Story Time! Comment

A story for you…

A proud mama moment that hopefully can encourage you to keep on role-modeling, for our children really DO pick things up from us:

A young teen invited to join her 21-year-old cousin for a day trip to Seattle’s Pike Place Market.

A 21-year-old aware of how her young cousin is directed in all things in life by well-meaning parents wanting to make sure she thinks, feels, and does things the ‘right’ way (their way).

A young teen who is quiet, compliant, rarely decisive about what she’d like to do. Her older cousin wanting very much to encourage her to take charge of herself and be decisive. Her older cousin wanting to ‘deposit’ into her relationship with her young teen cousin and really make a difference in her life. (That right there is enough to make a mama proud…)

Here’s what left me feeling such gratefulness that my daughter not only has heard me, but believes in what I do and strives to walk a similar route because she sees how essential it is for another to grow well:

“Mom, you know that “responsible to and responsible for”

thing you talk about–that we aren’t responsible for how another thinks, feels, and behaves?”

“Yes…” (Wow, I’m thinking…I had no idea she’d paid attention to this…)

“Well, it was really tough at the Pike Place Market with cousin, because I couldn’t tell if she was wanting to be there, if she was enjoying it, what she wanted to do. I remembered that I didn’t need to take responsibility for her experience…I decided to let go of needing to know if she was having fun or not and focus on having fun, period.”

And what unfolded was an older cousin letting her younger cousin know that “I love the comic store here and I could take hours in it–so when you are ready to move on, let me know!” “I’d like to visit the candy store–do you want to join me?” “What part of the Pike Place do you want to be sure to see?”

She avoided saying, “Are you sure…?” to any of her young cousin’s “I don’t know…I guess so…maybe…(shrug shoulders)” answers. She instead respected her enough to accept it at face value and let her young cousin know instead what SHE was going to do–giving her young cousin the opportunity to decide for herself whether or not to join in.

What did the 21-year-old communicate by letting go of taking

responsibility for her young cousin’s experience?

I believe she communicated respect. I believe she communicated “I trust you to know just what it is you’d like to do.” I believe she communicated her confidence in her young teen’s ability to be decisive–to make a choice and manage the results of her choice. I believe this 21-year-old gave her young cousin the opportunity to learn a little more about herself and what she likes and doesn’t like–truly part of growing a self-directed adult who can be decisive.

What did the 21-year-old learn?

That she can manage her OWN discomfort over not knowing whether the person with her is having fun–and that is huge. Instead of letting her discomfort lead the way and start trying to do whatever she could to make sure her young cousin was having fun, she calmed her anxiety down and instead just focused on enjoying herself–something she could control, something she was responsible for–herself.

What might the young teen have learned?

I believe she had the opportunity to learn to trust herself a bit more. To discover what she likes and doesn’t like, to feel safe with and accepted by her cousin, to ultimately learn more about herself, her abilities, her feelings, her desires. And maybe even realize she CAN be decisive about what she wants!

The result? The two of them had a nice and satisfying afternoon exploring all the shops at the Pike Place Market. They grew closer as cousins. Memories were made. And maybe, just maybe this young teen cousin felt the confidence communicated by her older cousin and will let this nudge her forward as she grows her ability to be decisive, to take charge of herself, to decide on her own what she likes, what is her responsibility, what she can do…to really know herself from the inside out. (She has some pretty awesome older cousins role-modeling just this as they spend time with her. How cool is that?)

I am proud of (both!) my daughter’s ability to observe, listen, and decide on their own to embrace much of what I do. To try it on for size and see how it feels. To notice the difference it can make in relationships. To live it for themselves. To connect with and encourage others by just being true to what they believe. This leaves me smiling from the inside out!

My moment to share with you.

Now go role-model just what you believe in. Know that your children–no matter their age–are absorbing your actions.

They are listening. They are learning from you every moment of the day. Make it a gift to them and show them how you live just what you believe. It is important. It is necessary. In time (maybe a l.o.n.g time!) you will see the results of all your hard work.

And it can put a smile on your face and in your heart and fill you with joy…

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Push, Pull, and a PAUSE…

October 26, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

A story for you…

A dad and fourteen year old daughter. A relationship already partly defined by (normal) resistance from the teen–you know, “Daaaad!!! I already DID practice my piano!” “Daaaad! STOP yelling at me!” “Daaad! I can do my homework, quit bugging me…”

A relationship that has them doing cool things together as well as struggling. Nothing very different, most likely, from many of you.

Teen: “Dad, can I go to Hannah’s house this afternoon?”

Dad: “What about your homework?”

Teen: “I was going to do it with her…and I thought I’d practice my music before I went.”

Dad: “I want a couple of hours with you today to go do something fun. Where could we fit that in?”

A nice and respectful exchange. Teen came up with getting her music AND homework out of the way immediately, and wondered if her friend could join her and dad on the adventure–YES came dad’s answer. What a great way to encourage a child to take charge of their work and day–to figure out how to manage time. Teen checked in with her friend.

Teen: “Hannah’s dad wants to take me and Hannah to the garden show downtown…”

Dad: “What about OUR time? Now that means I don’t get my time with you to go on our adventure.”

Teen: “Daaad! You could come with us!”

Dad: “I don’t want to go there. So you are just going to go off with Hannah and her dad instead of spend time with me…? I guess you just don’t want to be with me…” (Said with no twinkle in the eye and definitely sadness)

Okay. So maybe you are “hearing” what started happening. Dad really wanted time with his daughter. I love that. Daughter really wanted time with her dad. How cool that is! Daughter is also a teen with whom friends become mighty important–and necessarily so at this age. Daughter was offering up a wonderful idea of together time with two dad’s and two teens.

But this Dad took it personally (initially). He took it as his teen didn’t want to spend time with him, that he wasn’t important enough to choose over her friend’s dad, and (underneath all that) that she didn’t love him–and he responded emotionally with the intent to get her to choose their original idea over the new idea so he’d feel better. Understandable–he was looking forward to their adventure.

But here’s the deal–when we start using our disappointment as emotional leverage to try to get our child to change their behavior in order for us to feel better, we are now asking them to take responsibility for how we feel.

He was communicating “you must not love me enough and in order for me to feel loved by you, you need to do it my way…” THIS is what a child can “hear” when we put how we feel in their hands.

This is why this story is important. Think about this. The teen now had a choice to make–to go with her friend and her friend’s dad (something she truly got excited about) leaving her dad sad and upset; or to go with her dad and say no to her friend.

But now how would she be feeling, going with her dad? I believe resentfully. Begrudgingly. Wishing she could be elsewhere but feeling like if she did, she’d make her dad feel even worse. If she went with her friend she’d be going feeling guilty about doing so and resentful towards her dad for “making her feel guilty.”

Neither of which are relationship-building.

Not quite what we intend when we feel hurt about how something unfolds. Not quite what we intend when we want our children to WANT to spend time with us. And if we are honest we do this, perhaps regularly, in our relationships–work really hard at getting our child (or our spouse?!) to do something (listen, behave, not throw a tantrum, quit rolling their eyes, decide to choose differently, get good grades…) in order for us to feel like a good parent, loved, important, respected, proud.

Just think about what could be different for us if we decided to feel like a good parent, loved, important, respected, proud NO MATTER how our kids decided to behave…

So really, this is about us. Let’s go back to Dad and teen. Teen was getting all upset, begging her dad to reconsider, to not see it as her deserting him, to try to get him to NOT be disappointed. This is where Dad took a very important step that turned what began as a relationship-depleting moment and let it become a relationship-building one.

He PAUSED.

He took a moment to take care of his feelings of disappointment (something that really is HIS responsibility), to consider just what he really meant to say to his daughter and what he truly hoped for her, and then stepped back into his conversation with his teen and said:

“I’m sorry. I’m feeling disappointed because I was really looking forward to our adventure together. I think your friend and her dad have a wonderful idea and I want you to enjoy yourself…you and I can look to next weekend for doing an adventure together and I look forward to it!”

Now, whether he chooses to say “Yes, I’ll join you!” and see it as an opportunity to spend time with his daughter whether or not he likes garden shows OR if he chooses to pass, it becomes a matter-of-fact decision in which his teen can now decide for herself what she wants to do…now her focus is less on how dad feels, for he has taken responsibility for his own feelings, and her attention can be on how SHE feels about which choice seems best to her.

What a way to grow a respectful, self-directed, thoughtful future adult…and current teen .

Truly relationship-building. Respect for each other can now be communicated; feelings welcomed and understood; self-management and self-reflection become encouraged. And now the teen–no matter what she decides–can feel solid in her decision, in her relationship with her dad, in putting her attention to having a good time. Maybe she’ll even return home bursting with stories about all she did (or maybe how b-o-r-i-n-g it was…), wanting to share with her dad, excited to include him in her experiences…in her life…all because he PAUSED, considered, cared for himself, and then cared for her.

A story for you. May it bring you PAUSE as you consider focusing first on yourself, calming your feelings down, and then responding to your child in such a way they can grow themselves a little bit more towards the respectful, kind, thoughtful, joyful people you’d like to see. May it encourage you to work at caring for your self and your feelings so you can guide your children towards the same–able to take care of themselves, their feelings, and ultimately feel strong and confident in who they are becoming.

PAUSE today. It is a muscle to exercise and can be used at any time…and it always makes a real and positive difference.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Important Moments in the Day of a Teen

October 4, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Important moments in the day of a teen…and if you are a parent of a preschooler, you may discover how similar this can be!!

~When mom or dad recognize NOW is the time to listen, no matter how late at night, if you are just running out the door, or up to your elbows in some messy project. Now is the time…the more you can be flexible and give your full attention even for just a few minutes, the more you deposit into a continued healthy relationship with your teen. They feel supported, heard, and can count on you.

~Sleeping in! Until noon, if possible 🙂

~Being part of a group–whether it is a team, friends, volunteer activity, or family–being part of it and feeling accepted and included is HUGE for a teen. Here is where they can strengthen their inner identity, confidence, and feel more self assured. Groups can be one or two good friends or the entire football team…

~When parents ‘take the blame’, giving their teen an ‘out’ in a difficult situation. Saying no to peers can be nigh on impossible at times…having your parents to ‘blame’ can bring relief beyond measure (often couched in attitude and sarcasm, but relief and gratitude are underneath it all!)

~Being fully in charge of themselves–whether because mom and dad support and encourage this, or because they’ve had to do whatever it takes to claim it. Often stated through clothing, piercings, tattoos, attitude, risk taking behavior, defiance, eye-rolling… Increasing independence is key; being proactive as a parent with doing just this–increasing independence–can actually minimize the less than desirable ways a teen may express it.

~Risk taking! Driving too fast, courageously asking their crush out on a date, climbing mountains beyond their ability (ask me about that one!). Teens naturally are risk takers. Knowing their physical and emotional limits begins in the early years as we give out toddlers and preschoolers opportunities to struggle, providing a solid foundation for managing the bigger risks teens can take. Expect your teen to step WAY beyond your comfort level…and let them experience the results of their risk-taking choices with you the calm and connected guide they need to do so.

~Down time–being allowed to do ‘nothing’ and not be called lazy. Down time is so essential for healthy growth and healthy brains!

~Feeling heard and understood first, rather than directed or told NO WAY right off the bat…and this includes letting them purge all their feelings. Remember the volcanic nature of feelings at age 4? Well, hang on, for it comes again. Sitting alongside your teen, giving them a safe place to let it all out, is essential for them to process, manage, and move forward. Just like your preschooler.

~When given the car keys

~Having a calm, connected parent no matter what choice they make. Calm, connected, firm, kind, and respectful. And now they can more likely ‘own up’ to their actions and take the responsibility necessary for becoming a mature adult

Teens. Tumultuous, terrific, terrifying at times.

Totally awesome overall.

It’s the little moments each day that count the most as we build positive, healthy relationships with our children. Make the most of these…slow down, recognize these moment for the value they are, and be present. Your children are worth it…and so are you.

Make it great today,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Is it too late?

July 29, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

I had an email recently from a parent who was sad. Crummy, reactive interactions have been defining his relationship with his young teen daughter. He has read my book, “Parenting Inspired,” yet still wonders, “Is it too late to have a positive and healthy relationship?”

NO.

It is never too late to deposit into your

relationships in relationship building ways. It is never too

late to create positive change.

I wrote to this parent that he had LOTS of company when it came to “crappy interactions” that then leave us feeling bad, guilty, consumed.

I shared how many a morning interaction in our household with teen daughters turned AWFUL and off to school the girls went, and I was left with overwhelming guilt and bad feelings.

When they’d come home in the afternoon they’d be well beyond whatever we parted with…yet I was there “needing” the re-connection in order to feel better. Not a healthy way to be. Their ability to let it go and move on was a constant reminder to me of where I needed to grow.

I told him to start with being kind to himself. Take care of his upset, do what you need to do just for you to start to settle and feel a bit better. Self-care…pausing…absolutely necessary.

I talked about the stage of increased independence young teens are in–an absolutely necessary stage for being ready to “fly” in a few years. That our teen’s reach for independence often looks scary to us; feels scary to us. Is scary.

I asked him to, as he paused to care for himself, think about times he has enjoyed his daughter–where their relationship HAS felt good. Little moments, big moments–it doesn’t matter. Just consider them. Because they are there.

I asked him to think about how HE felt during these good moments. Calm? Comfortable? Light-hearted? Connected? Present? Undistracted? Adventurous? Matter-of-fact? Accepting?

Then I encouraged him to reconsider his “crummy interactions” with the feelings he felt during the good times “in place.” What could be different? What might you do or say now? How might feeling (calm, comfortable, accepting…whatever) influence this heated–or potentially heated–situation?

And then…HOW to do this. I’ll bet, if you are a regular follower of me, you’ll guess what I’ll say next…

PAUSE.

Discover what works for him to pause as he recognizes the heat climbing. Create mental or physical space. Use encouraging self-talk. Take a deep breath. Move away and focus on a chore. Discover what works to pause and calm yourself down. From there, I told him, you can consider what it is you want the most–and for him, it is knowing he is building a strong, respectful relationship and a daughter ready to “fly.”

From there, he can re-connect. Step back into the fray with his daughter, and respond–with more calm in place, more clarity of what he really wants.

The outcome? It may still be uncomfortable and often is. It may still be LOUD on the teen’s part. It may still be leaving dad feeling uncertain–and with that calm in place, greater clarity, and the ability to re-connect what is communicated is respect. Respect that says:

His teen can count on him to keep it together even when she cannot. She can count on what her dad says, he means and will do. What a way for her to feel safe despite all her big feelings and teen angst.

His calm re-connection communicates confidence in HER ability to work through a reactive moment. It role models the essential life-skill of pausing.

Ultimately, it can influence the outcome in many, many positive, relationship building ways. I told him–trust this.

And to let me know, as he just focuses first on pausing before re-connecting, what is different for him. For his daughter. And how he can now know that he is depositing into just the kind of relationship he wants the most–even if he can’t “see” it for some time. That’s what it’s often like with teens.

I hope to hear back from this dad. I hope to hear back what I know can happen–that by “just” pausing, he feels so much better, more confident, more connected. What a gift it can be to his daughter. What a gift it can be to their relationship.

With appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Calm, Consistent, and Connected

July 9, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Calm, consistent, CONNECTED follow-through.

Key for building healthy, strong, respectful relationships and children who can cooperate and collaborate; children who can truly be in charge of themselves in ever increasing ways…children who can thrive.

When we keep our promise by following through calmly with what we say we’ll do, our kids now can count on us--they can count on what we say we will do. THIS is how trust is built and is key for a healthy and strong relationship. Whether it is following through with a promised treat, a lost privilege, or walking alongside them through the result of a choice they made–no matter how they choose to behave. And oh yes, there is where it can get hard!

Keep in mind the PAUSE that is essential so you really can be calm and connected as you help them along, despite BIG feelings, buttons being pushed, a puddle of a tantrum thrown.

Ideas for you directly from my book (and where more can be found!), “Parenting Inspired”:

~”You carried your plate all the way to the counter! Now you are ready to play our family game. Let’s go get daddy and brother to join us!”

~”I can see it is too hard to keep the milk in the cup or swallowed down to your tummy. Time to be all done.” And the cup gets put away as you stay (or act-as-if!) matter-of-fact and maybe even lighthearted as the beginnings of a tantrum rear up…or jello legs and arched back occur… 🙂

~”You buckled all by yourself! Now we can go. Let’s go drive drive drive to the library and choose LOTS of new books!”

~”You really don’t want to be buckled at all. Time to buckle and be safe. I will do it for you.” And you can sing-song your way through what might be a struggle, commenting as-if just to yourself about how at the library (where perhaps you are headed) you KNOW there is some way-cool books about bugs, buses, or monsters–whatever your little one is fascinated by! Then letting go of whether they get interested in your musings or choosing to still be MAD.

~“All ready! Thank you for gathering your jacket and backpack. We are headed out on time!” And now you and your child get to share funny stories or a yummy snack because all is good as you drive down the road…and you let them know how much you enjoy this!

~“It seems it’s too hard for you to get your backpack ready. It’s time to go.” And off you go, perhaps minus the backpack (and now your child has the opportunity to discover that minus his backpack he doesn’t have his lunch or homework, hopefully influencing him the next morning to be more likely to gather all he needs…). Or maybe WITH the backpack and little to no attention on the fact that you grabbed it, giving your child the opportunity to still feel grumpy and slow as molasses about having to go…rather than focusing on how you’ll take care of packing the backpack for her :-).

~”Thank you for coming home by eight. I appreciate you respecting the rules. Now, tell me all about your evening! I’m excited to hear what you and your buddy ended up doing for the project you are working on…”

~”You chose to come home late. I can tell you had a great time, but know that my car will be off limits to you until Sunday.” And on Saturday when your teen is begging for the car? You get to understand his frustration, reiterate that on Sunday he is welcome to use it once again, and ask him if there is another solution to his feeling stuck without it…keeping the loss of your car entirely his responsibility.

~”You chose one more turn! Thank you for being ready to head upstairs. Now we may have time for an extra book or two tonight. Which ones do you want to read?”

~”Two more turns just didn’t feel like enough. I can tell you are disappointed. It is time to head upstairs. I can carry you or you can run up as fast as you can!” And with that light sense of humor in place you choose to be a slithery snake headed up the stairs…or a mama octopus with so many arms to wrap around your writhing child as you then put your attention to what the upstairs has awaiting… 🙂

What does this require from us?

Clarity on what we want them to learn about in the long and short run.

Our ability to be OKAY in the big feelings that may erupt. That’s where PAUSE comes in!

Our patience as we have to do some of this over and over again.

Our ability to affirm out loud just what it is we want more of.

Calm, consistent, CONNECTED follow-through. What a way to communicate “You can trust me and count on me.” What a way to say, “I hear you and I understand.”

What a way to help a child learn a bit more about

themselves, to grow their capable and competent selves, to feel safe even when they feel MAD. What a way to grow respectful, healthy, strong relationships.

Today, let your child know they can count on what you say is what you mean and will do--calmly, matter-of-factly, lightheartedly…maybe even with a twinkle in your eye, if you can. At the minimum, with a PAUSE in place so you can step in with calm connection leading the way no matter how YOU feel!

Find a collection of my work to inspire you as you strive to parent well here: “Parenting Through Relationship.”

Here’s to you!
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Too Much, Too Soon…

April 30, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

Hurried children. Too much too soon often equals not enough.

Not enough…

…of their developmental needs being met–emotionally and physically.

…of down time, free play time, non-adult directed time.

…space to discover for themselves what they like and don’t like, can and can’t do, is their responsibility and is not their responsibility

…family time–often translated as meals together, or outings, or games played.

…OUTSIDE time. Kicking around, exploring, climbing, playing, daydreaming.

…being listened to, heard, and understood.

…respect for who THEY are becoming.

**Hurried children. It can also mean TOO much.**

Too much…

…pressure to achieve achieve achieve.
…push to try everything all at once–so many cool extra-curriculars….
…expectations to be more, better, smarter, faster, and everything SOONER
…of us trying to control their lives, decisions, thoughts, feelings, actions
…responsibility or opportunity that doesn’t match their emotional or physical developmental level.
…stress, period.

The results? These hurried children can seem

to do exceptionally well until all of a sudden they don’t.

You might find they…

…check out of just what they seemed passionate about for many years–such as a sports or other activity they did intensely since early elementary. And often this checking out has them turning to less desirable activities…
…start to fail in school. Or struggle. Or not care.
…become addicted–to drugs, alcohol, screen time (maybe as a result of checking out of the sport or activity that they lived for up until now)
…become anxious, nervous, angry. Cry. Throw even more tantrums.
…become deeply depressed, ill, unable to participate in healthy living.

You know, it often doesn’t seem a bad thing, expecting a lot from our kids, exposing them to wonderful and interesting activities at length, succumbing to their “But all my friends are doing it!” Skipping family meals regularly can be replaced with other family time. Outdoors can be “skipped” since, well, neighborhoods might be unsafe or the weather uncooperative. Unfortunately that can often mean screen time to fill the time. And that’s a whole other hurried issue as kids are exposed to things far from appropriate for their age and stage…

And yet, more often than not when we get caught up in

hurrying our children, it really is more about us.

Our need to feel the good parent; the successful parent–“I’ve got a smart kid” “I am doing it right because my child is in so many cool activities and knows how to do all these things…”

Or maybe it is about us needing to feel in control--in control of what our kids are doing, saying, thinking, feeling. One way to do this is to manage their every hour of every day…and it leaves our kids either resenting us or passively accepting our every word and action as just right for them.

It often comes from our desire to “do it right” and “make sure” our kids have every opportunity in life in order to succeed. We really do care–deeply, ever so deeply–for our children and their well being. This is our strength as parents.

And yet a hurried child is really missing what they need in order to ultimately be that self-directed, responsible, caring adult we hope for.

When we hurry, we are no longer paying

attention to what their developmental need is–we miss important things in our child’s life.

And when they don’t get their needs met we really are robbing them of the strong, inner-directed, healthy development necessary for becoming that future successful adult.

Hurried children. It really is about slowing US down. Letting go a bit. Focusing on OUR anxieties and need to be the “good parent” and calm ourselves down. Think. Find support and encouragement often. Consider just what kind of adult we intend to grow. Know, really KNOW, that slowing down, doing less, focusing on building relationships rather than building a smart kid is essential for true success. No matter what society says.

Someone I respect greatly in this field is David Elkind. Check him out. He’s written many books on this subject from preschoolers to teens. He was a professor of mine oh so many years ago at Tufts University in the Child Study department. He left an impact on me. He continues to with all of his work. And so do many, many others as we work at helping families thrive.

Here’s to you today as you sort through all the pressure our society imposes on us as we strive to parent well. It really does begin with our ability to focus on ourselves, first, and get clear about what we really want.

And yes, that hurried feeling? It’ll still exist as you rush to get out the door on time, with everyone in tow and put together. THAT hurry is rather normal…

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Sharing My Joy With You

March 18, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

It’s been difficult for me to write for you this past year. It’s been extra difficult finding ways to expand the reach of my books–especially Parenting Through Relationship.

This book brings me such joy! And I want to share that joy with all of you. It represents all that I’ve felt since I was a little, little girl and captivated by all things babies and toddlers. That’s where all of this began for me, when I was so little myself. I chose the colors and rainbow effect because of the feelings they emanate. Feelings of joy, compassion, lightness, even deep care and compassion.

This book represents the mutual delight, laughter, magic, and deeply felt connection I experienced alongside my own mother as we both relished our time with children. Especially as she taught me so much about how to be with little children. Oh I miss her! Parenting Through Relationship makes me smile. And it encourages me, as I re-read, share, reflect–just as I know it can you, too.

I want you to fall in love with all things children, just as I have been and continue to do. To fall in love with parenting your children, with delighting in and being captivated by whatever age and stage you are in. Even during the hard of it all. Maybe especially during the hard of it all, for how else do we get through the hard if it wasn’t for our perseverance…resilience…sense of humor…deep love and commitment to our children?

I want you to be curious about and confident in just how to be and what to do with your new baby and this sometimes challenging and exhausting care-giving role you find yourself in. I want you to take your time, observe, snuggle, relish, be present with your baby and reap the rewards of a deep connection that fills you heart to overflowing. Theirs, too.

I want you to be captivated by the way your toddler examines his world ever so closely–from the teeny tiny insect he squats down on his sturdy little legs to get a closer look at, to the way his eyes twinkle as he, yet again, tests just what the limits are, just what you’ll let him do! Those smiles! Those alligator tears…

I want you to delight in your “out of bounds” preschooler, even as you find yourself pulling your hair out and dealing with, yet again, a full blown tantrum…resistance…an abundance of “WHY?!” Be amazed by their creative, imaginative selves as their world becomes whatever it is they want it to be. At least for this morning. Or the afternoon.

I want you to be entranced by the antics of your elementary aged child and how their world expands exponentially as they march off to school. Friendships, hurt feelings, fort building, game playing, sports, the pleas of “everybody else can so why can’t I?!”, learning to read and write and create create create. All of it. So much growth in these years as they begin as little Kindergartners and end as the pre-teen heading off to middle school.

I want you to know you CAN relish the tumultuous teens (and pre-teens!). That all of their tumult is all about their increased need to FLY. And fly they will. Sometimes leaving us an emotional wreck; but more often and hopefully leaving us feeling oh-so-proud as we watch them soar. Teens are terrific. So much to discover about ourselves as we work hard at guiding our teens…

I want you to relish, be captivated by, delight in, and discover the JOY of all things children and parenting. This is what my work stems from. This is what Parenting Through Relationship reflects. This is what I want for you.

To share the joy that I have lived and continue to find magic in.

To live the deep and meaningful connection that is the path of joy.

That’s all.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

www.denaliparentcoaching.com

Did You Know? Media Matters.

February 22, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

It’s evening. You are scrambling to get dinner going or maybe immersed in cleaning it all up. Your children are ramping up. You’ve worked all day and still have chores, emails, work, bath, reading, teeth to do. Chaos is reigning and you need a distraction–you and your kids!

On goes the TV. Or iPad. Or other digital device. A show is put on. Or video game. Or other entertaining App. But since YOU need the distraction just as much, you turn on a funny show that you enjoy and seems totally okay for your kids, too.

PAUSE. Something we need to KNOW is just how what our kids watch affects their developing selves. So let’s rewind a bit to a handful of years ago and a concrete example I can give. Remember the show Friends? It was lighthearted, funny, geared toward adults and aired at a time children were still up. It actually was the top rated show for preschoolers for 10 years.It really matters none which show I focus on, the info I share next pertains to ALL that we plunk our kids in front of; yet Friends is such an excellent example.

Let’s start with our preschoolers. What IS the big deal about letting them watch alongside us funny-to-us shows that seem relatively harmless?

Consider this…

The number one developmental task of a preschooler is to learn behavioral and emotional self-control--if you are a parent of a 4-year-old you know exactly what this means! There is little emotional (or behavioral!) self control exhibited on Friends–that is what makes it so funny for us watching it. We laugh at it all!

What does our laughter communicate to our preschooler?

That self-control is really not all that important. That losing our self-control really is just funny! Oops. Probably not what we really want to communicate as we yet again try to get our over-the-top preschooler to just cool their jets…not hit their brother…quit throwing and jumping and flying over the furniture or yelling extra loud, or being that puddle on the floor because they didn’t get their turn…

Take this further…

If our preschooler does not successfully accomplish the task of self-control, they now do not have what they need to grow through the middle childhood main task in healthy ways–how to be a friend. That preschool task of learning to manage BIG feelings? It is necessary to develop healthy friendships.

How does watching friends as an elementary age child influence them at this developmental stage?

That friendships are supposed to be sarcastic, unkind, back-biting. What does our laughter as we watch this show communicate? That this is exactly how friendships are supposed to look.

Fast forward to middle school and check out how the kids are treating each other. Oh heck, look at your 4th, 5th, or 6th grader to see plenty of unkindness, back-biting, downright mean stuff. Yes, sometimes this is “normal” (think girls and the challenges in later elementary years), and that is all the more reason to be sure what is role-modeled everywhere else (shows included) is respectful and kind.

Let’s go a bit further down the developmental road…

To the teen years. What is the number one task for a teen? The further development of intimate relationships (as well as separating from us!). What does our enjoyment over Friends communicate as they, too, watch?

That all of our relationships are infused with sex–that this is what the epitome of a meaningful relationship is. Sexual, sarcastic, unkind. I am most certain most of you want to see just the opposite in your teen–you’d like to see respect, healthy choices, a kind and generous spirit (at least away from home… 🙂 ).

It is essential that we think through what

we want our children exposed to.

PAUSE and think through what we want to communicate and what we actually are via our words and actions.

Be sensitive to your child’s developmental stage and how what they watch influences their social, emotional, and intellectual growth. Take it seriously, for your child’s (and our society’s) health depends on it.

And when you still, out of sheer desperation, turn on a show that just isn’t a great choice? It’s OKAY. Because you’ve worked hard at choosing with care and as you navigate the world of media and screens these moments are going to happen–in your home, or elsewhere. Their effect CAN be countered by the protective factors of a safe, loving, connected relationship with you. YOU who will ask questions, talk about what the child sees, explore their feelings, role model just what you really want.

Science, research, experience is showing us clearly what many of us know intuitively. Take care in the media you expose your children to. It matters.

Respectfully,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Keep Your Promises

February 11, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

I’ve been thinking a lot about integrity. Saying what you mean and meaning what you do. ‘Standing in our integrity’ translates to having our thoughts, feelings, and actions all in alignment with what we believe.

How does this translate to our children? Keeping our promises; building trust and respect. Key for healthy relationships. (Thank you to ScreamFree and Hal Runkel for “Keep Your Promises”)

How often do you find yourself saying:

…”I’ll be there in a minute!” and it isn’t until your child is melting down next to you 20 minutes later that you put down what you were focused on to help them? And now, of course, there is no help to be had, for total melt down has unfolded.

…“After soccer practice we can stop for ice-cream!” as you are trying to get your kids out the door and you know the promise of ice-cream will make it actually happen in a more timely way. But then following soccer you say, “It’s too late for ice-cream–sugar isn’t good for you, anyway.” Whew, at least you GOT to soccer on time, so now you can just ‘put up’ with the cries and complaints in the back seat–“…but you PROMISED…”

…“Yes you can have a guinea pig, cat, dog, (fill in the blank) when you are 10!” Then when they turn ten you come up with a million excuses why a pet just won’t work right now, how they aren’t responsible enough, that you just don’t have TIME to take care of a pet. Okay, maybe a fish…

…“Just calm down, young man!” as you are totally losing it. Hmmmm. I know that one happens often! “I need YOU to calm down so I won’t lose it!” As if it is their responsibility to decide how we are going to feel and behave…

…”Grabbing the salad bowl instead of asking nicely isn’t okay!” as you grab the salad bowl right back and bang it back down on the table. “Use your manners!” Harrumph. Why don’t they know better how to ask for something at the table? And again, if they’d JUST BEHAVE, then I wouldn’t have to lose my temper!

…“Hitting your sister is mean!” as you whack their backside and insist they go to time out to think about how to behave. (NEVER do I recommend any kind of whacking).

…“It’s unkind to talk about your friend that way. You need to be nice.” Then turn around and moan to your spouse about YOUR friend and how they make choices you just can’t get behind.

…“I’m sure you know best what you are going to do with your birthday money.” Followed by, as they decide to spend it all on a frivolous item, “Oh no, that’s a waste of money! You ought to save it. Or at least donate some of it to…” All good ideas…and all going back on just what you originally said.

What message are we giving our kids as we regularly say one thing and mean or do another? That they cannot count on what we say is what we mean. THIS erodes their trust in us, their trust in others. How can they possibly know what to expect when we change the tune on them? Or how to respond or behave or feel? It gives the message of disrespect–that we really don’t think they are or their ideas are important enough for us to follow through and keep our promise. And since they cannot count on us, why respect or even just listen to what we say? Talk about eroding relationships.

Try this, instead. PAUSE before responding or throwing out a blanket statement (YES we’ll get ice-cream after soccer!) and consider what it is you really want and CAN do.

Consider the kind of manners you’d like to grow;

the trust and respect you want to demonstrate and see in your child; the kindness and giving that is important to you.

And now role-model it. Be what you hope your child can be.

Show them how to use gentle hands, that they can count on you to keep your promise of ice-cream even if you are running late, that if you promise a pet at age ten, you follow through, talk about YOUR friends with the respect and kindness you want to see in your children, calm yourself first before asking them to do the same, let them know exactly what they can expect as they wait for your help, bite your tongue and let them experience the result for themselves as they spend all their birthday money on a ridiculous toy.

What does this require from us?

PAUSING.

Being clear on what kind of adult we hope to grow.

Knowing just what values and qualities are most important to us. Growing our ability to be patient and calm no matter how our kids are behaving. Being consistent with our follow-through–ridiculously consistent as often as possible.

Now when we do have to ‘break our promise’ because whatever we said we really didn’t mean and certainly aren’t going to do–we can apologize. Heartfully, genuinely, respectfully. “You know, when I promised you a pet last year, I was saying that without really thinking about what it means. I apologize for leaving you hoping. Let’s talk about this more carefully.” “You know, I was really mad when you threw your toy and hit your sister. It wasn’t okay for me to yell and hit you. I am sorry. Here’s what I wanted to do…”

What a way to grow respect. To build the trust in your relationship that is foundational for the rest of our child’s life.

Take time today to reflect on your integrity, on how you say what you mean and mean what you do–when this is easiest and most successful for you, what you can do differently when you find it difficult. Integrity. It is essential for growing well; for relationships to thrive. For our children to grow into those incredible adults we intend.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Calm. It isn’t easy.

February 2, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Calm.

It’s easy when things are going well, kids are getting along, life isn’t hectic. It’s easy when you can plug your ears, shut your eyes, disappear as necessary :-). It’s easy when you feel rested, nourished, even energized. Things go better, more smoothly. Maybe even those times where calm is had by locking yourself in the bathroom for a bit–heck, at least you aren’t in the midst of the crazy! A bit of self-care…

Calm is hard, often. And when it’s hard, being that positive influence can go out the window. Those are the times you wish for do-overs–later, when you’ve had time to think, to take a break. Those are the times you end up in a puddle of tears along with your child.

So how DO you become that calm, positive influence your child needs the most in order to grow well?

Exercise and strengthen your PAUSE muscle. It sounds easy, right?

Practicing your ability to, when your button has been pushed and the heat rises in you, stop…take a moment or a few hours (!). Breathe, count to ten (or a hundred!), walk away, do something that helps you create a bit of space so you can first focus on yourself. Calm yourself down–even an iota. THEN step in and respond to your child, rather than react. Sounds simple.

It is. And it isn’t. Like any habit, it takes practice. Grace for all those times you don’t pause first. Patience as you strengthen a new and powerful skill. It can be easier in some situations. These are the ones worth noticing, appreciating, and practicing. For me, it was easiest to pause and create a bit of space (physically, mentally, whatever) when I felt in a rush to get out the door and my girls were dragging their toes. This irritated me, but it didn’t push any big button in me. So this is where I practiced…taking a deep breath, letting go a bit about lateness, and using as even-keeled a voice as I could to e-a-s-e us out the door…and the more I could do this, the less they dragged their toes!

Knowing I could pause successfully and positively influence my girls at these times gave me the encouragement I needed as I worked at pausing during the really tough moments for me–teen resistance, push-back, sarcasm, eye-rolling, foot stomping, you name it (oh, door slamming, too). It isn’t a smooth road forward, this pausing. It is much more of a roller coaster. The trick is to keep focusing on when pausing has worked for you, when you’ve felt better about what could have been a challenge or struggle and wasn’t; when you’ve felt good about keeping it together even as your child loses it.

Notice these times, for in them you paused. You were able to step in calmer…and in doing so, you created the connection your child needed in order to navigate whatever the moment held. Or if not that particular moment (you know, those times you did well at being calm and your child still spiraled to the Nth degree?), know that the more you DO step in with a pause and calm connection, the more likely IN TIME things will be navigated better, more smoothly.

This is being that positive influence they need the most in order to grow well. This is being the adult your child needs you to be in order to feel safe in the midst of BIG feelings. This is how trust is built. THIS is what grows those respectful relationships we all want. This is relationship-building.

Here’s my pause story for you from when my eldest first taught me how.

It goes waaay back about 17 years…and yes, I am STILL working on strengthening my ability to PAUSE! The amazing thing is how my work at pausing has impacted all my relationships in uplifting ways–truly. It can for you, too.

If you’d like more help, my book PAUSE is a wonderful resource for you. Check it, and my other two books, out right here: https://www.denaliparentcoaching.com/books/

Meanwhile, here’s to YOU and your growing ability to PAUSE. What a gift to your children! What a gift to all your relationships.

With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
www.denaliparentcoaching.com
©2021 Alice Hanscam

PAUSE defined

February 2, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

PAUSE: Noun. Defined as a space—mental, emotional, or physical– from which you then respond with clear intention.

PAUSE: Action Verb. The action you take to create a space in which you can calm, center, and then intentionally choose what feelings, thoughts, words, and response you will give.

PAUSE is never passive. It is always active.

PAUSE as a passive response is equivalent to checking out often because we are too anxious to deal with a situation. And now we don’t step back in and respond. What is communicated? That we can’t handle our child’s upset, behavior, feelings.

This ROCKS a child’s world.

It is a scary place to be when a child looks to a parent for help, stability, calm, guidance and instead sees a parent who is acting just as immaturely as the child…and then what? The child acts up even more. Or withdraws…deeply. Or maybe complies…often out of fear or resentment. Probably not what any of us intend.

What feels like an “easy way out” by using PAUSE to check out becomes, over time, a very unhealthy and truly difficult way of relating. And parenting becomes harder.

PAUSE as the space it can be and intentional action it needs to be does just the opposite. It allows you to ultimately step back in and respond—productively, purposefully, with the clarity necessary for truly guiding your child toward just what you want more of.

It becomes relationship building.

And yes, a PAUSE can be self-care. Absolutely. This is different from “checking out” because, again, it is done intentionally, with the understanding that it will be followed by stepping back in and responding. Go take care of yourself! It is essential.

So today, PAUSE–actively and with intention. Trust what follows, even if you have absolutely no idea what to do next. Let your ability to calm yourself and trust your ability to connect do the work for you.

Let my book(s) help you.

And let me know what works for you. I care.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

I NEED This Fight!

January 24, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting 2 Comments

Because someone I care about very much is having a difficult time sorting out all that his 16-year-old is throwing at him, I share this link and my thoughts and response with the hopes that it can help–him and perhaps many of you.

I want him to do what he can for himself that calms him, gives him confidence, patience, and trust in this very painful process he’s in. It will take time, this anger she’s throwing at him and life. Time and his daughter being able to count on HIM to be steady, calm, consistent, caring. Time. Just as it will for each of you, if you find yourself in the midst of this kind of angst with your child. Teen OR toddler and on.

“The letter your teenager can’t write you”

“This fight we are in right now. I need it. I need this fight. I can’t tell you this because I don’t have the language for it and it wouldn’t make sense anyway. But I need this fight. Badly. I need to hate you right now and I need you to survive it. I need you to survive my hating you and you hating me.” © 2015 Gretchen L Schmelzer

Alice’s take:

EXCELLENT letter and one that is as pertinent for teens as it is for toddlers.

When we can provide the safe place for our kids of ANY age to “bang around” in as they sort themselves out, FEEL, discover, experience, then our kids truly can learn and grow. And our relationships can be that much healthier and more connected. WE can be seen (perhaps in time…) as the resource we’d like to be for our kids.

They NEED the fight. The tantrum. The test-test-testing.

And it is absolutely essential that we (more often than not, since really, this is all about tipping the balance rather

than being perfect…) pass their test.

How does this look?

Pausing. Whether for a brief moment or hours…

Calming ourselves as best we can. Breathe? Focus on a brief task? Telling yourself “I can do this…this too shall pass…”? Encouraging self talk. It can do wonders.

Getting clear on just what it is we want the most–-whether it is to just get out the door in one piece and hopefully with all necessary parts stuffed in the backpacks, a relationship that feels strong and healthy, or our child feeling that much more competent and capable…

Then stepping BACK in and responding to our child from this calmer and clearer place. Responding rather than reacting. Essential. And it is less about what you then say or do and WAY more about HOW you say and do it. Calmly. With connection. Respectfully.

Now our child can feel heard. Understood. Safe and secure. Our child can feel respected–because of feeling heard AND because we have more likely honored their choice by calmly following through with the results of their choice. Even if it is still a NO. When we’ve taken the moment to gather ourselves and respond instead of react, our NO is received more productively (even if it is still LOUD and upset…).

Or maybe it isn’t about NO.

Maybe it is about giving a safe place for your very upset and angry teen to unload, to know they can “empty their bucket” entirely because you are calm and listening. No decisions, consequences, answers. Just the safe place to feel and eventually process. Then maybe you can come back together, explore all that came pouring out, ask questions, and truly collaborate.

“I am relying entirely on your ability to stay in this fight. No matter how much I argue. No matter how much I sulk. No matter how silent I get.” (Gretchen L Schmelzer)

Our children need to KNOW, without a doubt,

that they can count on us to keep it together even

(and most especially) when they cannot.

Now that is powerful.

So today, PAUSE. Know that you CAN be the steady, safe place for your child to bang around in and sort things out. Trust this. Keep your attention on the kind of future adult and relationship with your child you want the most. Because what we focus on grows.

Know that my books can be a real and positive resource for you as you struggle and know that your struggle is as essential as your child’s need to test and fight .

Thank you to Gretchen Schmelzer (www.gretchenschmelzer.com) for a fabulous write-up. Here’s to the dad and 16-year-old I care about very much…

Respectfully and hopefully,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Choice, but my choice, please!

January 18, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

No, no! If you do that, mommy is going to be so sad…”

“If you don’t make the right choice, you are going to lose your iPad…privilege…treat…play-time…books…”

“You have a choice to make, young man! You can either do it the way we said, or you’ll be in trouble.”

Sound familiar? I was talking with a parent recently who mentioned how she gives choices and always tells her child to make the “right choice” so he won’t get in trouble and she won’t get mad. I paused, and then delved a bit deeper and heard more of her stories and talked with her a bit about just what this kind of choice often communicates…

When we find ourselves (and we all do this at times!) giving choices contingent on how we will feel or with what can be heard as a “threat” or really not a choice at all when we say “do it the right way!” then what we are really communicating to our children is their only choice is to either comply or rebel.

There is little room for independent thought and action, for someone to choose based on what THEY feel they want, should do, would like–for they are far too focused on OUR demands.

There is little room for them to feel capable and competent as they can (and need to) when they have the opportunity to choose, discover and experience the result of their choice, and learn a bit more about managing themselves.

Being asked to make the “right choice” so we won’t get mad and they won’t get in trouble communicates that they are responsible for how we feel (pretty tough place for a child, to feel like they are in charge of our feelings); it communicates “I’m the boss and I know what you need/should do/want better than YOU do…” (which can grow children who always look to others to tell them what they need/should do/want…); and it can communicate disrespect. Probably not what anyone ever intends. And yes, we often DO know what they “should” do for we are many years older and have many experiences tucked under our belt and we really don’t want our kids to make the mistakes we did. If they’d only listen . And we often work very hard to get them to listen, to do it our way, the right way, the way that makes things easier for them–and us.

So really, this kind of choice that leaves our kids either complying (whew!) or rebelling (yikes) is more about OUR anxiety as parents–about our lack of confidence, our need to feel “in control”, about looking like a “good parent”, about maybe just really wanting to get out the door in one piece and with all that everyone needs for the day .

Which, of course, happens (just wanting to get out the door in one piece)–and when we can slowly tip the balance towards healthier ways to give and respond to choices, it matters very little if there is a now and again day of “making kids comply” to make the moment easier for us.

What can we do to influence our kids in such a way that they decide on their own to make more productive choices? To focus on themselves and how they feel, what they like/don’t like, what is their responsibility….? To really grow from the inside out?

PAUSE.

Focus first on YOUR self and take care of your feelings–whether it is anger, sadness, frustration, feeling overwhelmed. “Take care” can be a moment to breathe, a chance for a self-care deposit, a quiet affirmation to yourself of how you feel.

Be clear on the expectations for your child–and give them a choice without asking them to choose what YOU want them to choose.

Respect their choice by following through with the results of their choice from a place of calm connection–what an incredible way to communicate respect for and belief in who they are becoming. What a way for them to focus on their experience, how it feels, and learn a bit more about what they can do.

What does “respect their choice” look like? I believe:

“You chose to still throw your toy cars. Up they go now onto the fridge, parked safely until tomorrow…” And you calmly gather them up and place them up high–allowing the mad your child will feel and express, showing compassion via, “I know. It really makes you mad that you can’t play with your cars anymore today.” Empathize. Help them take the PAUSE they need to calm themselves down. Offer up your company or something else they can do or throw. Know that how they feel about the result of their choice to throw and how you decide to respond to them is key in helping them learn a bit more about managing themselves.

“I feel sad that you were so frustrated with your work that you ripped it up. Is there anything I can do to help?” And then you sit in their sad or mad for awhile or ask what they’d like to do to help themselves or you gently show them ways to take care of their frustration. If they show concern over your sad, you get to let them know that it is okay for you to be sad…just as it is okay for them to be frustrated. Maybe hugs will follow…Or maybe a need to rip up lots more paper is in order…or maybe they just need to stew a bit until they are ready to try again.

“You know our house rule of no dirty dishes left in your room–and you know that it costs you the privilege of using the iPad for the afternoon.” And you follow through by removing the iPad, calmly and matter-of-factly, allowing the feelings that may be expressed, empathizing and letting calm connection lead as much as possible. Now the attention is less on you (though it may not seem that way as they rage…) and more on the choice they made and how it feels to lose a privilege they enjoy so much–more likely influencing in such a way they will choose a more productive direction the next time around (like bring their dishes into the kitchen–or maybe all the way to the dishwasher!).

Now what can be learned?

That they are responsible for the choice they make and the results that follow.

Not you, but them–and they learn a bit more about how they feel about the results, rather than being focused on how we feel. They learn they can count on us to keep it together no matter how they feel or behave. What a way to grow trust! They learn they can count on us to walk alongside them as they experience the results of their choices, rather than stand over them saying, “I told you so! If you’d only listened…” And as our children have more and more opportunities to experience the results of their choices alongside a calm, consistent, connected adult, the more they learn about themselves, from the inside out.

What a way to grow a future adult who can more likely take responsibility for themselves, be self-directed and in charge of their feelings, know more about themselves from the inside out. What a way to (slowly) make your job as a parent a bit easier–and for you to grow yourself from the inside-out, able to manage your feelings and grow your more confident self. Now how could this parenting deal feel with you feeling calmer and more confident, letting calm connection rule?

PAUSE today.

Give your child the

gift of choice and your calm, consistent follow-through. Give them–and you–the gift that growing and learning

always can be.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Stress, Conflict, and Relationships…

November 28, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional 2 Comments

“How we handle stress and conflict is

where relationships are born”

( screamfree and Hal Runkel )

I truly appreciate Hal’s work and all that I’ve learned and grown from as a result. Relationships are our foundation in life. Building healthy ones is essential. How we handle stress and conflict determines so much about the health of our relationships.

This is where how we decide to behave or respond in a heated situation either becomes relationship-building or relationship-depleting. And we get plenty of opportunity to practice, for conflicts and challenges with children come…well..sometimes every few minutes…:-)

Relationships are easy when things are all rosy. The real test is when it goes south…and here is where we have a choice.

So often we want to avoid the conflict or fix it immediately. Those unhappy, mad, testing, frustrated moments are uncomfortable–fixing them, making them go away gives us relief. But what does that require? Taking control of how our child is behaving–making them stop, ignoring them completely, cajoling, bribing, demanding, threatening. We become reactive, things spiral up, everyone ends up feeling yucky no matter how it turns out.

What does this communicate to our child? “You cannot count on me to keep it together when you are upset.” “You need me to decide for you how to feel and behave.” “I don’t have confidence in your ability to manage your self.” That the stronger and more powerful one wins…probably not the message you really want to give. Definitely relationship depleting.

Our choice as things go south? PAUSE….

...and calm ourselves, first and foremost. Being able to calm ourselves (or act-as-if!) and then join in alongside our child through any conflict or discomfort speaks volumes. Respond rather than react. Listen. Collaborate. Still say “NO” as necessary AND from a calm and connected place. Now you are saying, “You can count on me to keep it together even when you cannot,” “I have confidence in you,” “We will be okay,” “How you feel is up to you and I accept your feelings,” “I’ll be here with you as you work through your upset.” What empowering messages for our child.

I so love this story by Janet Lansbury – Elevating Child Care-–How To Be The Gentle Leader Your Child Needs.

It illustrates just what can happen as we calmly, kindly, and with gentle firmness guide our children through a conflict. With little ones you’ll discover quickly how safe they’ll feel, how connected you are, how good it can be following a conflict. And you’ll know, from deep down, that things are right between you. The conflict? It mellows. Especially due to your calm connection. And your child learns. They can trust you. They feel safe. Your relationship just got stronger.

With older kids, it can take longer. Standing calm, firm, and connected as your teen slams their bedroom door yet again can be incredibly difficult. The desire to go barging in and yell at them to listen, to cut it out, to ‘know better’ is tempting. And in the moment, you may get begrudging and resentful compliance. And this, ultimately, is relationship-depleting . For if they live with begrudgingly and resentfully ‘minding’ you, why would they ever turn to you for support and guidance when they really need it? And if they are busy hearing our “You need ME in order to tell you how to behave and feel”, this can translate to needing a peer to tell them how to handle drugs, sex, alcohol…yikes.

Staying calm, being available to re-connect, being kind and firm in the ‘no’ brings–over time with a teen (with any child)– respect. Now they can feel heard, maybe even understood. There more likely can be compromises. “No’s” can turn into positive negotiations and opportunities to say “Hmmm. I hear you. Let’s give it a try your way.” In many ways it is just like the toddler and preschooler tantruming–the calmer the space you can create with consistent, kind, clear messages, the more likely your teen can calm themselves and be available to really listen. And now they are more likely to tune into themselves–rather than our reactivity. It just takes longer and requires us to trust and persevere…and be patient. It really is a process.

Take time to look for where you are most consistent with your child, where what could be a challenge really isn’t. Think about how you are behaving in those situations. Notice how you feel–your calm, your clarity over what you want or expect, your ability to stay connected and be consistent with following through. Notice how, over time, a difficult situation can change as you choose to stay calm, connected, and consistent day in and day out. And reflect on how your relationship feels.

Relationships are born and grown in the midst of stress and conflict. Grow yours in the direction you want the most–towards trust, caring, confidence, compassion, respect.

And then go take care of yourself–your relationship with YOU is the foundation for all other relationships. Today trust yourself, care for yourself, be confident in yourself, show compassion and respect for yourself. It’ll speak volumes to those around you.

Need help? Here you go: PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection and/or Alice’s Author Page.

Here’s to PAUSE…and growing amazing relationships.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Thinking Ahead With Respect

October 9, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

In the midst of parenting a young child? Consider this…

You’ll want your future teen to be able to say no to negative peer pressure or unwanted sexual activity.

You’ll want your future teen to have a clear idea of what feels right and good to him or her.

You’ll want your teen to show respect, both for themselves and for others.

You can begin right now with your young(er) child to build the foundation and relationship that will more likely grow a teen able to do all of the above.

It starts with OUR respect. Begin now to model how your child deserves to be treated by respecting privacy, respecting bodies respecting their space–both emotional and physical. What does this look like with our younger kids? A few ideas:

Stop tickling when they say no or stop or don’t.

Knock first on their bedroom/bathroom door and ask to come in.

Ask first if they are ready for a hug, and wait for their answer–and respect it if they say no.

Ask first if they are ready to have their face washed, their shampoo rinsed, their diaper changed, and wait for them to respond. And when you have to wash, rinse or change? Then let them know you are going to and pause to give them the moment to be ready.

Calm your anxiety over their messy room–give them that space to call their own and be responsible for it…and that means letting go of the mess that accumulates (other than the once a month obligatory deep clean!). It also may mean letting them know you will blow a kiss from the door to say goodnight, since you are unwilling to risk tripping and falling your way to their bed.

Let them struggle. Affirm the difficulty, the feelings; ask them what they think they can do. Describe what you see as they work at a stubborn puzzle piece or finicky sock or challenging playground equipment. Let them know you are there and when they are ready, you are happy to help–and then step back.

Give them options other than kissing Aunt Martha or Grandpa–let them know they get to decide how to greet them in a way that is comfortable to them.

Let your child disagree with you–ask them what they think and accept it as their opinions. Stop yourself from trying to convince them to see it your way. Listen, affirm, and if things still need to happen the way you see best, calmly follow through. Now their ideas are valued, and cooperation can step up.

Respect. Model it from day one and you will more likely grow a teen with a strong sense of self and the ability to navigate pressures in healthy ways. Truly relationship building.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Just LISTEN to me!

August 22, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

We want, at times quite desperately, our words alone to work–aka: Just LISTEN to me!

You know the drill:

…your preschooler gets extra lively in a public place–perhaps ‘over the top’ lively. Maybe pulling things off shelves in a store, or running pell-mell in and out of other people, or just bursting with LOUD. You find yourself saying, over and over, “Please stop. Put that back. Hold still. Be quiet. COME HERE NOW…” Over and over and over, to no avail.

...your teen is propped up in front of their computer, Facebook, chat, a favorite TV series all on at the same time. Homework and chores are looming over (your!) head. You find yourself nagging, threatening, bribing–“Get your homework done. Remember to clean the bathroom. Get off of Facebook! If you don’t get onto your jobs soon, I’m going to…” Over and over and over, to no avail.

Your child? They see it is a ticket to do it more, louder, bigger, messier, with sass, THAT tone, you name it. And your anxiety, embarrassment, frustration, and anger gets louder, bigger, messier, comes out with sass, THAT tone, you name it. Oh my, who is the adult in all of this? And things typically disintegrate further.

How would it feel to be confident your child can choose

appropriate behavior as necessary? That you can count on them to manage themselves well? That they can hear your words the first time and they ARE effective?

I’m betting it would feel absolutely wonderful if you felt confidence in both yourself and your child, in how you communicate, cooperate, collaborate. I’m betting you’d feel steadier and stronger from the inside out, and your child, too. I’m betting things would feel a bit more peaceful and positive. At least some of the time :-).

What might this take?

PAUSE. Always, always PAUSE. It really does come first and is

the foundation for all of this.

Then consider just what you really want the most. If you intend to grow a child who can, on their own, decide to listen, choose appropriate behaviors, be responsible for the choices they make, then it begins with you calming yourself down and recognizing your words alone are not enough–it is essential to say what you mean AND mean what you do. To take action.

Here’s the trick with little guys. Let PAUSE calm you down, then shove your anxiety and embarrassment out of the way, focus on your intent to help your child learn to manage themselves so maybe words alone COULD work eventually, step close to your child and perhaps:

...put your arms around them or your hand on their shoulder; kneel down to their level; maybe pick them up, rubber arms and all.

...steer them gently towards whatever the solution is–if it’s returning items to where they belong, know that you may end up doing most of the work as you gently keep them alongside you–and that’s okay.

...be willing to let them get mad; always affirm their feelings and wishes: “It makes you mad when I stop you from running pell-mell around the store. You’d like me to put you down. It’s not safe and I will hold you.” “You were having fun pulling all the cloth bags off the rack! You really don’t like it when I stop you. The bags belong on the rack…”

...be willing to let go of it all and leave the situation with your child–especially if they’ve reached the tantrum level. Now nothing you say will be heard or processed–calm connection is essential for them to regain self-control and be able to listen to you. It’s okay to head back to the car and leave the full grocery cart behind. It is equally okay to return to the store once calm has been restored–what a way to role model responsibility!

…know what can motivate them positively–-“When you calm down and we finish returning things to the shelves, I can tell you a funny story about…I can listen to your ideas…We can take daddy his lunch…” You are the expert on your child, and you know just what can help move them through a tough situation. Respect their feelings, take your time moving through the challenge, and then use what you know will have you heading the direction you want. My girls LOVED tiptoeing out to see if the ravens were splashing in all the puddles…eventually. After we worked through the MAD or SAD that was holding us up…:-)

And now you’ve communicated that your child

can count on you to keep it together no matter how they behave. That they can count on you to keep your promises and follow through with exactly what your words were saying.

What a powerful message–one that leaves a child feeling safe, able to trust you, secure in your calm connection. This is where children now can learn to manage themselves. Words alone only work when the foundation has been set via action defined by calm connection. A PAUSE allows you to be intentional with your word choice so you CAN follow through and keep your promise. Take care in your words–choose just what you really mean and will do.

Your older child or teen? Let your PAUSE give you time to reflect on just what kind of adult you want to send off into the world, find ways to calm your anxiety over their choices, be clear on what you expect. Self-care, remember? Key for being able to calm our anxiety!

Then let go. Let go of trying to control every little thing and instead consider just what it is you want your child to learn, how you want them to grow, and how best to do so. I remember well the push and pull over homework with my daughter and her finally saying, “Mom, if you keep nagging me about my homework, it’s just going to make me not do it!” And that is exactly what happens when we are caught up in reactivity–we tend to get more of just what we don’t want. I learned–and so did she. I paused, considered what I really wanted, and later went back to her with, “You are right. Homework is your responsibility and you don’t need me to remind you to do it. Here’s what I’m hoping–I ‘d like to know what your plans are to accomplish your work. That will help me be better at letting go of reminding (AKA nagging) you!”

This led to us making more of a team effort that resulted in my backing off and her stepping up. I had to let go of how she did her work (certainly not the way I’D do it!) and appreciate the fact she DID it–and my backing off gave her the message that I believed she was a capable student, able to take full responsibility for her choices (key for successful adulthood).

My words alone were not enough, the action that followed (staying quiet!) spoke volumes.

And here’s the cool thing. Our words alone CAN work--when you’ve set the foundation of trust necessary for your child to believe you. Trust built from your action. Say what you mean and mean what you do. Calmly. With connection.

Pay attention to what DOES work, right now, to use only your words–reflect on what it took to make this successful. I know my toddlers could hear, “Eyes only or one finger touches!” and be successful. It worked, because I had plenty of earlier practice with them, showing them just what I meant, following through with removing them (or the fragile item tempting them!) when they chose otherwise or offering more opportunity when they could just use eyes or one finger touches. What we focus on grows.

Consider where words alone work and consider what has led up to this success. Most likely these successes were preceded by your calm connection, respectful words, and gentle yet firm action.Reflecting on these times can empower you to move through the next “I wish my words alone would work…if they’d only listen to me…why do I have to say it over and over and over again…”…with the calm connection, clarity, and confidence your children need from you.

It takes resilience. Pausing often. Patience. A bit of creativity. Understanding of your child’s age, stage, and need. So be sure to take care of YOU along the way. Here’s something to help you along-–A Recipe for Parenting Success!

It really can make parenting easier…and definitely more joyful!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Commercialism and Our Children

August 5, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment

Something I’ve yet to directly address in my work is the commercialization of childhood and the marketing directed at our children. After a lengthy conversation with Susan Linn, author of Consuming Kids and The Case for Make Believe, I feel inspired to do so.

When our children are immersed in all the commercialization directed at them, unhappiness and unhealthy development ultimately reigns. As children grow, they are more likely to experience increased anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. By the time they are teens and young adults, this can be devastating.

It really does begin with our little ones and what we choose to let them see and do on digital devices, in the stores, online, in and with any media.

Whether it is buying a meal from a fast-food chain and getting whatever toy depicting whatever character from whatever Disney or Pixar movie tucked in their take-out bag, or immersed in video games or apps on their device, a child is being sold. Sold a brand. Sold an image of who Someone Else thinks they should be. Sold ideas and beliefs and ways of life. And the truly disturbing part of all this? It is rarely, if ever, for the good of the child.

It IS for money and power. Not our child’s power, but the companies and CEOs and the tech world’s power. If it was for the child’s power, then there would be NO marketing towards our little ones. Instead, we would see complete respect for childhood by protecting and defending what healthy development is. And now we would more likely have the healthy, successful, thriving adults, communities, and world we strive for.

That healthy development? Commercialism has no place in it.

Those cute little toys that depict your child’s favorite movie? It’s supporting the marketing directed at kids–watch our amazing movie and then you’ll want to buy our stuff, and then you’ll want to watch and buy even more. Rarely, if ever, are all those cute little toys something that enhances childhood. Typically a child will play with them based on how they saw them behave in the movie or video or ad they watched. Not their own ideas, but someone else’s. This may not seem like such a big deal, and it probably isn’t when it is just now and again. Yet over time and consumption hours, it becomes a very big deal. Our child is now being robbed of the opportunity to create and imagine her OWN ideas and thoughts. To decide for herself how she wants a doll to behave or what a cape is used for. Fast forward to teen years, and it can translate to believing someone else knows better how she is to clothe her body, use her body, what to put in her body.

Those video games and fun apps? Often “persuasively designed.” What does that mean? Designed to intentionally hook and even addict your child onto something that they will now want more of–and pester you until you buy more. And more. Video games ramp up with inappropriate content. Apps are sold to “make your child smarter!”, “learn to read faster!” and whatever other “bait” used to convince you this is for your child’s good.

It rarely is.

Those video games get worse. The violence alone should be enough to say no to them, but that “persuasive design” has our kids hooked. It can be hard to say NO to a teen who has flipped out or is incredibly depressed. And it just keeps getting worse. Why are these games continued to be developed? Because we (or at least our teens and young adults) buy them. Money and power, remember?

Something that really bothers me is how all of this marketing and commercialism emphasizes focusing “out there” on needing “things” in order to BE happy, smart, to have fun, to get exercise, to come up with way cool ideas.

It can rob our children of the necessary and important opportunities to…

…think their OWN thoughts, come up with their OWN ideas, decide what they like and don’t like and want to do based on healthy experiences with the world around them.

…discover and strengthen their resilience when facing challenges–resilience that requires time to reflect and think and be bored in order to tap into feelings and how to manage them. Resilience that requires persistence and determination as a child works through a problem or challenge in their own way.

…connect authentically and meaningfully with others and the world around them. Now their connections reflect more of what a certain character did–such as Ninja Turtles and Power Rangers back in my daughter’s preschool years. Kids “played” Ninjas and Power Rangers which meant they kicked and swept their arms around and pushed and hollered. It can seem cute to us when they copy the play of something they saw on TV or did on a device. Yet play? It is meant to be an expression of themselves from the inside out. A chance to work through feelings, to express and act upon ideas, to imagine and create. To think for themselves.

With necessary and healthy time protected from the commercialism that engulfs our culture, children grow from the inside out:

~ They can feel strong and answer many of their own needs from within themselves, rather than always seeking more more more from “out there” in order to feel good. Commercialism begets reactiveness. No way to live on a regular basis.

~ They have a profound ability to imagine, pretend, create–necessary for learning all through life.

~ They manage their OWN feelings and understand them so much better. This self-regulation? It is key for living and relating well; for developing compassion and empathy; for understanding another’s perspective.

~ They learn productive ways to negotiate with a buddy, to listen to someone else’s ideas, collaborate, create, and then act upon them. This exchanging of ideas with another? This is very different from seeing a video and getting ideas from it. With a person, in real time, there is a richness, there is meaning, there is true hands-on, sensory and language rich collaboration within a relationship. Everything a child needs to grow well.

We need to push back on marketing directed at our children. We need to help our children recognize when advertising is directed at them and how wrong that can be. We need to take care in the choices we make as we move through our days–take care in the apps, games, print material, stores, videos, shows, etal that we allow our children to use, play, read, immerse themselves in. We need to be clear on what our children need the most to develop well from one age to the next. We need to protect our children from a culture immersed in commercialism and give them the time and space to BE children.

Now they are more likely to become adults who can live life

balanced, recognizing their own needs, feeling their own power, and standing strong in what is right and good as they, too, bring

children into the world.

Respectfully,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Tumultuous Teen Turmoil

July 13, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Door slamming. Talking back. The Last Word Battle. Tears and screaming and I Hate Yous. Sometimes right in your face…

Respectful parenting and the teen years? I have to admit, I floundered. A lot. As my eldest went through the inevitable growth phases that felt VERY TUMULTUOUS, I became as reactive as she.

Not very pretty. Certainly not very respectful. And definitely not very productive.

What worked? Pausing.

Yes, you hear about this from me all the time--because it works. Almost magically, sometimes surprising, and always helpful. Always. I learned to create that space I needed to focus first on myself to calm down a bit–and sometimes that meant heading downstairs to unload on my husband (and maybe sending HIM up, first); or sometimes turning my back and heading into the kitchen to swipe at the counter–only a brief moment, but that’s all it took to give me the second I needed to breathe. The second to PAUSE.

And what those moments REALLY allowed me to do was think about that future adult I was intending on sending off to college and into the world–and in not too many years–and what I “saw” was an amazing young woman, independent, active, smart, involved, creative, adventurous, responsible for herself, respectful of and kind to others. I also “saw” a way-cool future adult who WANTED to come back and spend time with me. To play games, cook and eat good food, go exploring, hang out and talk and talk and talk.

What a difference this made as I stepped back into the fray of all the door slamming, talking back, the battle for the last word. It meant when I stepped back in, I was better at listening. At saying, “Tell me more.” My daughter felt my calmer presence. She felt heard because I listened better. Not great, but better. I discovered a bit more ability to let go of trying to control everything and instead collaborate. My daughter was more likely willing to compromise.

We certainly both felt a bit more connected. And she definitely felt respected. For I had listened. And considered my response. She was then better able to accept my “No” (if it was still a no) with grumbles rather than door slamming. Now THAT felt much better! And all that door slamming, talking back, and battle for the last word? It dissipated…

Some ideas for YOU as you are caught up with a teen in a tumultuous stage include:

“I hear you. I need time to think about it and then I will get back to you.” And you DO get back to them. Respectful all the way around, for they feel your consideration of whatever their issue is–and that feels GOOD.

“Wow. This is really really upsetting you. Tell me more…” ‘Tell me more’ creates a PAUSE…and let’s your teen empty their bucket a bit more, creating a far more respectful space to listen.

“This homework is really stressing you out. Can you take a break from it right now?” Or maybe, “Is there something I can do to help?” or “What would help you get through all of it in time?”

“What do YOU need in order to feel better? Let me know if I can help…”

“You know, I really don’t like your tone of voice, it upsets me. I would be happy to listen to you when you can use a more respectful voice. Let me know…” Then you turn your attention elsewhere–maybe to do a bit of self-care because you are feeling upset.

“We are ALL too upset to sort this out. Let’s re-convene this afternoon and talk then…”

“Man. This really bothers you deep down, doesn’t it? It is really hard and I KNOW we can figure this out…” What a relief for a teen to hear, in the midst of turmoil, that YES, we can figure it out. Maybe we don’t know how, yet, but we will. What a comfort that can be.

Respectful ways to interact in the midst of Teen Turmoil. Now you are more likely to create (re) connection. A calm space. More likely talking together–maybe following the door slamming and angry words, but talking none-the-less. The PAUSE I encourage you to strengthen? It allows us to slow down and create this calmer space. And teens, more than ever, they need us to slow down, for now they can feel heard and respected. And when a teen feels heard and respected, it can be surprising the cooperation, compromise, positive dialogue that follows. Truly relationship-building. Truly respectful.

So no matter the age of your child, when you hit those bumpy, tumultuous, button-pushing, testing times–

PAUSE. Get calm and clear. Respond instead of react. Let go of knowing exactly what you might need to do or say and instead let PAUSE and the power of calm connection lead the way.

And remember, mistakes are opportunities for do-overs and authentic apologies. Growth is just that, growth. How else could we possibly get better and better without the practice of messing up?! PAUSE, first and foremost. Deposit into your Self-Care Account. Be clear on the qualities of that future adult you see in your minds-eye. Trust the process. And always, always look to where you notice all that IS working, going well or better, feeling right and good. Notice the bits and pieces of that way cool future adult showing up right now in your child. What we focus on grows.

If you liked this article, here’s another you might enjoy: https://www.justaskalice.org/2018/06/24/our-response-matters/

Parenting respectfully through the years…

Alice
Author of “Parenting Inspired” and “PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection”
PCI Certified Parent Coach® and ScreamFree Certified Leader
©2017 Alice Hanscam

To Rescue or not to Rescue…

July 6, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

What would YOU do if…

...your newly mobile baby was seemingly stuck under the chair she just rolled and maneuvered herself under–fussing a bit and looking at you with pleading and slightly tear-filled eyes–soon to ramp up out of sheer frustration?

…your 8-year-old came home from school in tears–devastated because he wasn’t invited to his friend’s birthday party? Or allowed to play the tag game on the playground? Or was told he couldn’t sit with his buddies at the lunch table? Ouch. Friends. They can be tough at times…

…your preschooler was struggling extra hard at building with Lego to the point of throwing it or a tantrum or BEGGING you to “do it for MEEEEE”…or frustrated up the gazoo that their drawing just didn’t LOOK like the airplane they wanted and could YOU PLEASE draw it for them…? And if you don’t, then you’ll definitely have a full-blown melt-down to deal with?

...your teen was totally upset and a total mess about the totally UNFAIR grade she got on her project that she worked and worked and worked on–the teacher was so UNFAIR! AND it totally affects her final grade….

…your toddler keeps on hitting you when he doesn’t like you stopping him or saying no to him or changing his diaper or buckling him into his car seat…? Or maybe keeps on pulling all the stuff out of the cupboards that you keep telling him NO to or cleaning up and putting away to just have him dump it all again…and again…?

I’d venture to say you would step into the mode of taking charge and fixing whatever problem your child was caught up in…because, hey, that’s what we DO. We solve problems and we are really good at it. And it is our job, right?

Maybe you would…

…quickly move the chair and rescue your baby and, of course, comfort her.

…tell your 8-year-old how unkind THOSE friends are and “Let’s make new ones or that he can choose not to invite those friends to HIS birthday party or that’s okay, you and I will do something special that day or hey, I’ll join you at lunch and help you let your friends know you CAN sit with them…or I’ll talk to your teachers, so don’t worry…all will be good and you can stop feeling so devastated…”

…just draw the picture for your preschooler or sit down and build for them what they want with Lego--or at least direct them each step of the way. Better then having them freak out, right? Maybe they’ll even keep on drawing and building and you’ll get a bit more peace and quiet. Maybe.

…call or email or text your teen’s teacher and let the teacher know how hard your child worked and really, couldn’t that grade be a bit higher? Or ask what you could do for your child to get a better grade…or complain about how there really wasn’t enough time for your teen to do the job as well as she could and that’s unfair…

…try getting equally mad at your toddler or get a bit more hurried as you rush through very unpleasant diaper changes and car-seat buckling. Or maybe you’d punish them by plunking them in their crib and telling them they have to stop or they’ll have to stay put for a while. Or maybe you just end up slapping their hand (never do I recommend) or throwing up YOUR hands…ANYTHING to get them to stop. And keep the stuff in the cupboard. Talk about a power struggle…

You might. Because we like to solve the problems. It’s in our nature. Yet consider this–consider another layer as to why we solve these problems.

It makes US feel better.

Whew, our child is no longer so upset or sad. Relief! WE feel like a good parent when our child gets good grades. WE feel in control and in charge and (again) a good parent when our child behaves, listens, chooses “right” behavior. We are communicating, “I need YOU to behave so I can feel like I’m doing my job well…”

When we step in regularly to solve our child’s

problem we are often robbing them of an opportunity to grow their capable and competent selves a bit more.

What do they hear? “You need ME in order to manage your body, your feelings, to be a good student, well behaved, popular with friends, able to be happy…” “You need ME in order to be in control of your SELF.”

Probably not what any of us really intend. Because really, it just says, “I don’t think you are a capable, competent soul.”

Fast forward to sending them off into the world. If all along we’ve taken responsibility for solving all those little and then big things that seem to be problems, how will they know how to do it for themselves? How can they possibly feel capable and competent on their own if they’ve heard from us on a regular basis that they need US in order to be so?

Let’s tip the balance another way. Let’s recognize that YES there are times solving is essential. And YES, way more often we can…

PAUSE and consider how we can walk

alongside our child to help them take charge of themselves,

to feel competent and capable, to know they can work at solving their own problems and managing all their feelings.

Let’s get down next to our baby and acknowledge the STUCK and encourage them out. Then maybe nudge the chair a bit. Help them help themselves. Name how they are feeling. This is key.

Let’s affirm our 8-year-old’s intensely hurt feelings and sit with them a bit or at length. Let’s ask them what they’d like to do. Let’s brainstorm with them if they need ideas. And then BE there. For that’s what they really need–company that feels safe and secure and comforting. Now they can better manage all the upset. And yes, it takes time.

Let’s acknowledge our preschooler’s frustration with their work. Let’s ask them if they’d like to take a break (and yes, maybe insist on it and help them do so)…or if they can start with finding the Lego that looks like wing material or maybe pull out paper and markers ourselves and start doodling next to them. Partner with them rather than take over…

Let’s listen carefully to our teen. Affirm their feelings. Acknowledge the hard work we saw them do. Ask them what they would like to say to their teacher–if anything. Or what they might want to do next time to change up the result…or they even WANT to do anything other than just unload on us. Be that safe, comfortable place for them to do so.

Let’s breathe in deeply with our toddler and show them what it is they CAN do. Name their feelings. Hit pillows not people. Help with diaper changes. Give them more things to be in charge of. Set up a cupboard just for them. Include them in cleaning up as well as join in on the dumping 🙂 Honor their feelings always. Stay matter-of-fact as we move through what we have to do…

Now you are tipping the balance toward growing capable,

competent, responsible children and future adults.

Ones who can understand and manage their OWN feelings and behavior. Ones that feel empowered to take charge of the hard. Ones that know we are a resource in whatever way they need us…and that we’ll always BE there. Safe. Comfortable. Available.

Problem solving. It’s a strength–especially when it is applied to ourselves and how WE can step through things with our children that helps them gain strength in the very same skill. Solving their own problems.

Today, take care of YOUR feelings. Calm yourself ahead of time. Affirm yourself as the good parent you already are and intend to be. You don’t NEED your child to be amazingly successful, popular, happy all the time in order to feel good and confident in yourself. Know this, from the inside out.

What a gift to your child, yourself, and all your relationships.

And what HARD work.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Lessons Learned From A Teen

July 1, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Lessons learned from a teenager’s perspective:

~ Sometimes I make fun of what you say—eye-rolls, for sure. It feels like you just don’t GET me or understand ANYTHING. It helps me the most when you just roll with it and get that little twinkle in your eye that makes me feel better, even when I’m annoying you like crazy. When you tell me I’m being disrespectful and have that twinkle in your eye? It makes me feel like trying again.

~ Cleaning up the piles in my room are SO not on my to-do list. Just get over it, please! It’s my room. I mean, I get that it’s a mess… but it’s my mess and I do pick up my piles from the rest of the house for you (at least, occasionally, after rolling my eyes and huff- ing about it). I need you to let me have my room as my space to control—when you do, I learn a whole lot more about what I like and don’t like. It’ll help me be ready to take charge of my own place or dorm room once I leave home!

~ Do NOT nag me over my homework! The more you do, the less I’ll do and that really isn’t what either of us want. It just makes me feel like I have to do (or not do!) my homework for you, rather than me. Totally annoying. Maybe if I just let you know my plan for getting things done you can give me the respect of trusting that I will? Or letting me take the fall for not getting it done? Remember, my grade really isn’t a reflection of you. It belongs entirely to me.

~ I’ll blame you for many things! Just don’t take it personally. Actually, though, there are times I need to blame you so my friends don’t realize it really is me who doesn’t want to do what they want to do. When I can blame you I feel like you are standing with me, helping me stay strong.

~ Just let me VENT and please don’t share your wisdom! Really. Your best response to all my unloading is to stay quiet. At least for a bit. I need to unload and I’ll probably just roll my eyes at you if you actually try to give me advice. Knowing I can unload on you means so much to me. And I’ll probably actually listen to your words of wisdom once I’ve calmed down. Just wait for me to finish first.

~ Your anxiety over all I do is going to be stirred up a TON—from me going on adventures that seem scary to you, to waltzing out of our house dressed in THAT outfit, to hanging with the friends who make choices you’d never feel good about. What I need the most is your calm self, connecting with me by appreciating my courage, or artistic self, or sense of adventure. Then maybe I’ll listen a bit more to YOUR concerns…and it may just influence me to choose otherwise.

~ It’s such a blast having my friends over and you playing a favorite board game with us! (Just don’t embarrass me, okay? Be chill.) They like to hang at our house because you and dad obviously enjoy their company, too. But be sure to leave us alone part of the time—you are my parents, not my friend.

~ Hang on for the emotional roller-coaster ride I’ll take you on! Some days I am down and grumpy and my world is falling apart; other days you can hardly contain my energy and excitement. It helps me the most when you stay steady no matter how I’m feel- ing. I may still stomp off on those bad days or talk non-stop right on over whatever you are trying to tell me, but with you steady and calm, I feel like I can handle all my feelings so much better.

~ I DO find it scary to think I’m turning 18 and will be leaving soon. It’s exciting, too! I hope you can help me focus on how ready I am and let me make the decisions that feel right to me. It’s gotta be tough on you, too, because you’ll miss me and I know you worry about me. What helps me the most is when you let me figure things out…and then if I need you, I will ask. You’ll be there, right? Just knowing you are there for me helps me not have to ask for help so quickly. I feel ready to fly…

Teens! A tumultuous and terrific time. Let them fly!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Rivalry! Sisters, brothers, cell phones…

March 4, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

Sibling rivalry.

You know, the whining, fighting, crying, tugging, hitting…and how it drives us crazy, worries us, leaves us wondering if there’ll EVER be peace in the household?

I know, you are thinking I’m talking about your child’s relationship with their sister or brother and that maybe I’ll have some words of wisdom to help you with all that sibling rivalry .

What I want you to consider is this–I’m actually talking about your PHONE. Yes. Your phone. And yes, I’ll talk more about those brother and sister challenges…

Here’s the deal.

With more and more of our attention being drawn to all-things-phone–even when we THINK we are listening to our child, what our child is feeling is the competition for our attention.

Think of it this way–your phone has become your child’s rival.

And they whine. Drop to a puddle around our feet. Tell us loud and clear, “You aren’t LISTENING with your EYES!” Pick fights with others around them to get our attention. Hit. Grab. Want equal time on our phone–whether it is to figure out this rival for our attention and maybe be RID of it or discover just what it is we are so fascinated about that they decide this must be how life is to be experienced and they want to be a part of this life–hence more a part of yours.

Connection. That is what they are seeking and will look for it any way they can, productive and healthy or not 🙂 .

Sibling rivalry among children is normal. It can be healthy. It is always an opportunity for the kids involved to learn a bit more about negotiating, problem solving, collaboration, compromise. It can truly be relationship-building as we join alongside our kids to help them out with all the big and loud feelings involved. Connection can more likely be at the forefront. Big feelings are learned about and better managed. I could go on and on…

Sibling rivalry with our phones is relationship-depleting. DIS-connecting. Interrupting. It communicates, “You aren’t important enough to give my full attention to.” “My ‘life’ on my phone is what is my priority.” “THIS is how our day/life is supposed to be spent.” “I’d rather constantly put out fires around me then pause long enough to help you learn and grow so fires are unnecessary.”

Hmmmm….now there’s a thought.

When we are constantly distracted, we tend to respond to everything around us from a reactive place. We wait until it is bad enough and then we give the “fire” (aka hitting, whining, crying, fighting) the cursory bucket of water (aka STOP THAT; QUIT or you’ll be sorry; Here, watch this movie and be quiet…). Whew. All is good. For a moment. And then it all starts back up again, for our child? They haven’t really learned anything more about how to manage themselves…mostly because we just toss that “bucket of water” over whatever “fire” with the hopes of avoiding it next time around.

Not very productive. Or healthy. Or relationship building.

Back to the phone deal. Here’s what we CAN do.

Notice our use of our phones. Be sure to turn them off or at least to silent when we are engaged with our child. Recognize the need to be away from our phones so we CAN be healthier, and our discomfort in doing so. See that discomfort as the gift of awareness it is–something you can work on little bits at a time.

When you feel that tug on your arm, PAUSE. Look at your child. Let them know you see and hear them. Tell them what they can expect AS you look at them. “I need to finish my text then I can give you my full attention.” OR “I can listen to you right now. My text can wait.”

Then follow through. With ALL of you. Your eyes, your body, your hands, your lap.

Try this today. Try practicing tucking your phone away for a bit and get used to a bit of discomfort…then turn to your child and really look at them and delight in being able to communicate, “YOU matter.”

And the rivalry can diminish…disappear…and CONNECTION–honest, real, meaningful CONNECTION leads the way.

Pretty amazing what happens when our children feel connected to us. Heard. Understood. Enjoyed. Pretty amazing what happens to US when we feel that way with ourselves.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Learning From Toddlers to Teens

February 9, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and thoroughly enjoyed…

…the busy Mama who paused in her cleaning up of the kitchen to include her 18-month-old son. “Do you want to help me wash the dishes?” And up he went on a stool, asking for the sponge, being given a few spoons to scrub. Down he climbed as he signed “all done,” and as Mama began to work on sweeping up the floor, she offered him the opportunity to be included. A few swipes of the very tall broom later and he decided the dust pan was what HIS job would be. He carefully laid it on the floor, Mama swept into it, toddler picked it up rather precariously–and toddled to the garbage to work at twisting his wrist in just the right way. Half of the contents landed back on the floor–!

But hey, sweeping and dust panning gets to be done all over again and at 18-months, THIS is what is fun and important to do. I so appreciated Mama’s ability to move slow enough that her son could be fully included, allowing him to grow his competent and capable self...so much learning going on!

…the Dad and two elementary-aged daughters on the airplane. Each time I passed they were working on origami, colored-pencils and an intricate coloring book, immersed in paper back books, and just hanging and talking with their Dad. I so appreciated how he provided them with creative, hands-on, way cool things to do, rather than “plugging them in” to a digital device (and oh yes, there are times traveling when this is just the right thing to do).

Think about what they learned–how to manage themselves during a long flight, how to get lost in their own thoughts and have that be all the “entertainment” they needed, how others shared with them about their own memories/experiences with folding origami, brainstormed ideas with them about what to do with their growing collection of folded items, checked out their collection of colored pencils…I noticed how, by being involved with hands-on and creative things, it rippled out to include others. Meaningful connections that brought joy. And helped the long plane ride pass far more quickly 🙂 .

…the college-aged babysitter who takes the time to delight in letters from a favorite 6-year-old–including the one that was sent with a bag of a favorite cookie that turned into “cookie dust” as a result. And how this college-aged babysitter has developed a relationship with her mail carrier–so when these chunky letters come with not enough postage, the mail carrier, who knows they come from a certain 6-year-old, pays the postage due and makes no fuss about it to the college-aged babysitter–just making sure she gets these ever-important letters. Especially the ones with amazing pictures drawn of all kinds of made-up monsters.

I so appreciate watching the relationship between these two grow–all because of letter writing, picture drawing, cookie sharing. The time they all take to connect and share is a joy to watch.

What have you noticed and appreciated recently? What has really put a smile on YOUR face today?

With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2016 Alice Hanscam

To Praise Or Not To Praise

January 28, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

THIS hit home. From all the trophies and how they are labeled, to the nonchalant comment by the teen. When we praise often–whether it is the “good job” go-to we all fall into or the constant “wow, aren’t you amazing!!” for every sport, art project, grade, accomplishment no matter the size or importance–I believe we are undermining and displacing just what we really want: a self-directed, intrinsically motivated, confident, capable, successful future adult.

Our intentions are good. We want our child to feel confident, capable, and successful. Yet by praising all day through, I believe we are setting our child up for thinking:

~ They need to perform to be in our good graces.

~ Their performance is what we love about them.

~ When they DON”T get a ‘good job’ response, they’ve now failed–and we have given them no practice at how to manage the disappointment, the struggle of failure.

When we praise constantly we are teaching our children to pay attention to how WE feel and how their behavior or accomplishments affect US instead of encouraging them to turn within themselves, reflect, learn about what they like/don’t like, etc…

We get in the way of them growing from the inside out.

When we make their accomplishments such a regular big deal, we are undermining their ability to tap into strengths that are essential for adulthood—perseverance, hard work, creativeness, self-reflection, management of feelings, inner direction/motivation to name a few. And then there is this teen’s response in the comic. Nonchalant. Shrug of shoulders. No longer does the praise mean anything for it is given constantly. They begin to ignore us, or not believe us. Not what any of us intend as the “good job” or “hurray for you” or “you are a winner!” rolls off our tongue.

What to do instead?

Focus on their process and the strengths you see step up:

“You were incredibly focused all through your game–I noticed that. It certainly paid off!”

“Even though that math assignment was confusing, you stuck with it and figured it out.”

“What a race you had! Those hills looked brutal–boy, that must’ve taken some real determination to tackle them despite being exhausted.”

“It was hard work stacking all your blocks! You worked carefully and look at the tall tower you made.”

Focus on their feelings:

“It was really disappointing to lose the game. You were so excited going into it.”

“I can see how proud you are of the work you did!”

“Urgh. After all the time you put into your project it must be really discouraging to get the grade you did.” ”

It really puts a smile on your face when you button all those buttons by yourself!”

Focus on appreciation:

“Thank you for unloading the dishwasher. I appreciate your help. Now we have time to do a family game.”

“The neighborhood looks so much nicer after picking up the litter! I know the neighbors appreciate the time and effort you put in.”

“You and your team-mates were so respectful of your opponents’ loss. That is really a sign of true sportsmanship.”

“You shared your book with your sister. I can see how much she liked that. Now you both know just what The Little Engine That Could carried over the hill!”

And now you are more likely giving your child the experience she needs to grow strong and healthy.

To be able to succeed, feel confident in herself, feel capable, manage the harder feelings, celebrate respectfully the happier feelings. Now it is about them and how they feel and what they like and don’t like–truly what motivates them from within–rather than our child focusing outside themselves, on feeling responsible for making us feel like the good or proud parent.

This is the inner direction and motivation necessary for successful adulthood. This is the inner direction and self-confidence that translates down the road to less influence of negative peer pressure, the inner motivation it requires to stand strong in their conviction even when it is going against the tide of their friends, the inner direction that can have them moving through life capable, confident, taking charge of their lives.

So try pausing today. Try letting go of the automatic response to something your child does. Think twice and with care about how much praise for an accomplishment will really support the growth of the kind of adult you hope for. Be intentional with the attention you decide to give. And when real praise is deserved? Now it can be truly meaningful and appreciated, making just the kind of impact you want the most. How cool is that?

Alice
Author of Parenting Inspired

Social Media, Smart Phones and Our Children

October 28, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

“It’s not so different now. Back when I was in school I remember being embarrassed and even devastated at times over what someone said about me. I got over it.”

“Things really haven’t changed that much–kids talk behind each other’s backs just like they did when I was that age.”

“Oh those middle-school kids! They are all about embarrassing and being embarrassed. They’ll grow out of it.”

You know what? Things HAVE changed. Children often cannot “get over it” or “grow out of it.” They can’t, anymore. Because now everything is recorded, shared, snap chatted, gone viral, there for the world to see. Forever. Check out this article. It is excellent. And it is only comparing 2008 to 2018: “Middle School Misfortunes Then and Now, One Teacher’s Take”

What stands out to me is the impact smart phones and social media have on the psyches of our children (and us!).

Consider these:

~ The dopamine hit that causes addiction like behavior–replaying and replaying what is so hurtful when you are the one hurt; refreshing and refreshing if you are the one doing the hurting–how many likes does my video or photo have NOW?

~ The inability to remove yourself successfully from all things embarrassing and letting your feelings process and dissipate. Instead of “time will make it better” it becomes “time amplifies and magnifies.”

~ Instead of choosing whom you want to share your experience with and when you want to do so, it is decided for you. Over and over and over again as something is shared online.

~ The lack of a “safe haven” that home ought to be–once you get home after school, you’re supposed to be able to breathe a sigh of relief, for you are away from all that happened at school. No more–for with all the devices now at home and family members equally engulfed by them, your school life has become your home life. There can be no safe space once something is online, shared, forwarded from one person to the next.

~ The greater divide that unfolds between the child hurt and embarrassed by being the subject of derisive social media posts and the child whose addiction to getting more and more likes. The first, as they seek to feel better by being “liked” or “followed” is sinking deeper into what feels like and often becomes rejection followed by depression; the second becomes bolstered towards bullying and often without understanding what they are doing, for their attention is on feeling good. All via “likes” and “follows.”

~ No longer having the respite family creates, for so often you come home to the disconnection caused by each member equally involved with devices. No wonder children can end up even further down this rabbit hole of social media and devices–if family life no longer offers the support, presence, “safe haven” from all the upsetting middle-school (and teen and elementary, too!) experiences, then the hurt child and the instigator child have no buffer necessary for processing, growing, learning. For emotional wellness.

Things ARE different. Our children need us

to do better so they can, too.

Directly from the author (Benjamin Conlon) of the article:

Smart phone and social media have “fundamentally altered how children interact with the world and not in a good way. We can change that. In addition to the “Wait Until 8th” pledge, consider taking the following steps to help your children reclaim childhood:

Propose that administrators and teachers stop using social media for school related purposes. In many districts teachers are encouraged to employ Twitter and Instagram for classroom updates. This is a bad thing. It normalizes the process of posting content without consent and teaches children that everything exciting is best viewed through a recording iPhone. It also reinforces the notion that ‘likes’ determine value. Rather than reading tweets from your child’s teacher, talk to your children each day. Ask what’s going on in school. They’ll appreciate it.
Insist that technology education include a unit on phone etiquette, the dark sides of social media and the long-term ramifications of posting online. Make sure students hear from individuals who have unwittingly and unwillingly been turned into viral videos.
Tell your children stories from your own childhood. Point out how few of them could have happened if smartphones had been around. Remind your children that they will some day grow up and want stories of their own. An afternoon spent online doesn’t make for very good one.
Teach your children that boredom is important. They should be bored. Leonardo Da Vinci was bored. So was Einstein. Boredom breeds creativity and new ideas and experiences. Cherish boredom.
Remind them that, as the saying goes, adventures don’t come calling like unexpected cousins. They have to be found. Tell them to go outside and explore the real world. Childhood is fleeting. It shouldn’t be spent staring at a screen.” (Benjamin Conlon)

YES. To all of what he writes. Wait until Eighth. Wait longer if you can. Protect your child’s health and well-being and give them the gift of a social-media, smart-phone-free childhood for as long as possible–at minimum in your own home.

Check out my article, Keeping Our Children Safe. Check out another article about the importance of being bored and empty spaces right here.

Things ARE different for our children in this age of social media. What isn’t different is how each and every one of us work hard at parenting well, wanting the best for our children, striving always to grow healthy, happy, successful future adults. Feel encouraged by connecting with other parents, sharing your own concerns, as well as what works in your family, and become the village our children and each of us need for ensuring healthy childhoods and lives. We are all worth it.

A community to join to find support, encouragement, research, and more: The Screen Time Action Network.

With appreciation and HOPE,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

I just want my child to RESPECT me

October 13, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

“I just want my child to RESPECT me!”

Respect–something we all want to see in our children. Respect for others, respect for our requests, respect in how they respond to us…just plain old respect. Life would be good, parenting easier…

The cool thing? This is something that really is all about US (something we can control!). We think it is about our children, about making them do things differently, better, more respectfully. But really, it is about us. And when you really think about this, it is all about choices (ours, as much as theirs).

Respect your child’s choice enough to let them experience the results of their choice–with you choosing to be the calm, clear, connected one no matter what they decide to do.

This is easy when they stay within the choices WE like–you know, the toddler who willingly picks one of the two warm sweaters we offer up to them on the coldest day of the year AND puts it on, the preschooler who shares happily with their buddy with play that extends all morning long, the elementary child who never says a mean word to a friend or talks behind their back, the teen who drives within the speed limit, never risks their well-being because they choose to not drink, smoke, climb treacherous mountains, break curfew…

Whew. Now we feel like good parents–for look at how well behaved our children are! So easy to stay calm, clear, and connected on our part.

But then they do something—they choose otherwise….

…to throw their food on the floor, their toy at you, to refuse all warm clothing items and tantrum on the floor

…to push and hit their buddy because their toy was grabbed from them

…to talk behind their friend’s back in unkind ways

…to drive too fast, climb treacherous mountains, stay out way too late until our anxiety hits the roof…

Yikes. Now we feel it is our job to get them to choose the right behavior, to feel the right way, to choose what WE want them to choose so we can feel better and feel the good parent we want to be–to feel RESPECTED.

And here is where respect truly can be grown.

Instead of trying to ‘get them to behave’, you PAUSE. And then calmly respect their choice enough that they can experience the result of their choice–and now they can truly learn. How does this look? Ideas for you:

~ your toddler throws their cup on the floor. You calmly pick it up, put it on the counter and say, “Cups are for drinking out of and for sitting on the table. When you throw it on the floor, you are all done. Down you go!” Calmly, gently, respectfully. What do they learn? That cups are used a certain way, that their choice to throw resulted in no more drink, that mommy isn’t swayed a bit by their behavior. You’ve treated them with respect, they’ve had an opportunity to learn and grow.

~ your preschooler hits and won’t share. You respect this choice of theirs enough that you follow through with calmly talking about what you see happening, letting her know hitting is never okay, affirming all the feelings involved, asking questions such as, “Your friend would like a turn. When you are all done, can you let her know?” or “Your friend is sad about not having a turn. What can we do to help?” Respectful, no hurry to ‘make them behave,’ and now an opportunity for your preschooler to learn a bit more about friendships, feelings…respect.

~ your elementary student hurts a friend’s feelings. Oh, the temptation to ‘fix’ this somehow! Instead, listen. Reflect back what you hear from your child. Ask questions. And affirm their upset. No need to fix–this just communicates to them our lack of confidence in their ability to navigate a tough experience. Walk alongside them as they sort through the results of their behavior. Maybe a friend gets lost along the way–and now your child has really owned and learned from the results of the choice they made to be unkind. With your calm presence through-out they are more likely to make different choices the next time around. More respectful ones.

~ your teen comes home WAY beyond the time agreed and you’ve been worried sick. Respect the choice enough to follow through with the results. Calmly, consistently, with connection. “You came home really, really late. I was really worried for I never heard from you that your plans had changed. Tomorrow I’d like you to let your friends know that you’ll be staying home.” Calmly. Even as the bedroom door slams, you can be sure you communicated respect. In time, it will make a difference .

By our choosing to be clear, calm, and connected with our child, this becomes way less about making them behave a certain way, and instead an opportunity to learn and grow from experience.

They ‘hear’ our confidence in them and their growth, they feel heard and understood, they can trust that we can keep it together even when they cannot. This builds and communicates respect. And now we’ve just role-modeled what we want more of.

So today…as challenges arise…take a deep breath (PAUSE. It is essential) and let go of needing your child to choose YOUR way. Instead, welcome their choice as an opportunity for them to experience the results and grow. No hurry–this takes time and practice. Respect the time it takes to grow a fabulous adult and be in the moment, guiding your child gently, calmly, consistently. I believe you will see real growth occur–and respect is right around the corner.

And now you really can feel the good parent you already are.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Moments of Real Connection

October 4, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Story Time! Comment

Simple things noticed and enjoyed:

…A certain 7-year-old TOTALLY enthralled with both his magnifying glass and his microscope and the way cool innards of bugs looks and anything else he can possibly collect and examine. Some things not to be mentioned for they might just gross you out. Ha.

…The 8-year-old who dug into his pockets and came up with a penny for another little boy to participate in the coin toss into the spiral tube. The first little boy had no more coins and was disappointed…the 8-year-old, totally unrelated and with his own family, noticed–and then, on his own, came over and helped. This ability to observe and be helpful and kind is simply lovely. And it happens often–and is easy to miss if WE don’t take the time to notice, ourselves…

…A certain 23-month-old whose story telling leaves the rest of us completely enthralled–his eyes light up, he signs and verbalizes and expresses with incredible gusto. The latest story? “Papa” (verbalized) along with the sign for BOAT, demonstrating with great emphasis how Papa carried it over his head with his friend…how friend said “DROP” (verbalized with inclusion of arms swinging down and knees a-bouncing) and “Papa” (verbalized) DROPPED the boat (signed)…Then great chuckles and falling on the floor just like the boat fell down. Oh the stories! Oh the story telling! What joy.

…The 20-something-year-old sisters tearing up with each other as they had to part ways for another six months. The joy this spreads through my heart as I watch them love each other is incredible. Especially knowing how many very tumultuous years they had as they fought their way through clothing/bathroom/hurt feeling wars..

…The teen-aged boy who noticed the fascination of a toddler as he and his friends played catch. This teen? He came on over to Mr. Toddler, knelt down, and asked, “Would you like to play ball with us?” Mr. Toddler paused…looked at his Mama who smiled at him…looked back at the teen and nodded with his whole body . Off they went together to play catch…what a kind and respectful interaction…how cool that a teenager noticed AND offered…and followed through so respectfully. Fun!

...The 5-year-old who is always “out striping” a favorite adult friend. Striped undies, striped t-shirt covered by striped long sleeve shirt. Pants with stripes up the sides, socks with stripes, and then (of course!) face paint stripes on tummies and faces! Oh the JOY of comparing stripes with his grown-up friend…counting, laughing, finding even more hidden in patterns on shirts.

Simple moments. Moments of real connection. Relationship-building moments!

These moments can get missed so easily as we rush around in our busy and full lives. Take time today to PAUSE…observe…and SEE them. Or better yet, find yourself in the midst of a moment that leaves you feeling wonderfully connected with another.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Be Tech Intentional

September 12, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Screen Time and Technology Comment

Because I keep getting asked by parents overwhelmed and truly concerned about all things digital in their children’s lives, I share this poster once again.

Be Tech Intentional.

This includes educating yourself on just what your children ARE doing and seeing. It includes growing your awareness of the impact digital use has on different ages and stages.

Know that as your child grows he or she will be in homes with different rules and awareness. As one Mama spoke to me recently, she doesn’t want her 5th grade son randomly exposed to and exploring things online (think porn, for one)–so she has taken the steps of speaking to the parents of homes where her son goes to play, asking that iPads and smart phones are not in the hands of the kids.

Another mama is working actively on her SELF to calm her anxiety over all things screens so she CAN guide her young son through positive exposure…and she is finding it tough, for she’d rather have NONE. Balance…it is key.

And yet another family has a place on the kitchen counter for their children’s friends, as they come to play bringing along all kinds of digital devices, to “park” their devices while at their house. As the papa said, “If you need to call your parents while you are here, you are welcome to use your phone right here in the kitchen.”

Be Tech Intentional. Know the impact. Know the content. Walk the talk. It is so very difficult…and it is so very essential.

Need more ideas and help? Two articles for you to take a look at: What TO Do Instead of a Screen and MORE of What TO Do Instead of a Screen,

Here’s to parenting well,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

How Many Times Do I Need to Tell You?!!

September 11, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Oh how often we find ourselves saying just this,

“How many times do I have to tell you?!”

And we get frustrated because, even after the ump-TEENTH time our kids STILL aren’t listening. Things spiral up, we find ourselves yelling, often punishing, doing whatever it takes to “get them to behave, to just LISTEN.”

Consider this…what would it take from YOU for your child to know, without a doubt, you’d only ask once or twice at best? What could be different in your household if this was the case? I believe you’d discover more of a positive flow to your day, more cooperative and collaborative children, feeling a calmer connection and definitely healthier relationships…

And children who listen. How would THAT feel?!

Credit to Bil and Jeff Keane
Family Circus

Consider the messages we give when we ask over and over again for them to listen and behave, yet never follow through with action. I believe some are:

“You don’t have to trust that what I say, I mean and will do.” “You can’t count on me, for I don’t keep my promises.” “My Mad is your fault and your responsibility!” Whew.

Probably not what you intend. And how confusing for our children. Or maybe it sounds like this, “How many times do I need to tell you?” “I don’t know…maybe 16?” For really, it IS up to US how many times we decide to ask or tell our children whatever it is we are wanting them to act upon. No wonder things begin to spiral up, get more intense, at times explode…here we are asking them to decide for us what it is WE want. Confusing!

If we intend to grow listeners and enjoy the cooperation we really can have with our children, I believe we must first focus on ourselves and become clear on just what we want.

It is then our job to say to them exactly

what we mean…and to follow through, calmly and consistently,

by doing just what we said.

When we can calmly and consistently follow through–-ask only once (maybe twice… 🙂 ?!), then step in and connect, guiding them gently–then our children begin to learn they truly can trust us, count on us, believe us when we say, “It is time to…”

We keep our promises.

What a way to role model integrity. What a way to show them what “keeping promises” means. What a way to let them know they can count on us. This can be difficult for it can mean we end up with…

…a tantruming child who is resisting in all ways possible as you calmly follow through with buckling them up–“I know, it really makes you mad when we have to get loaded up in the car to go. You’d really like to stay. I’m buckling you and then we will head on down the road!”

…removing them from a heated interaction–“You are super upset. Let’s go find a place for you to settle down and when you are feeling calmer, we can try again…”

…putting their beloved toy away–“When you keep throwing this toy, it can hurt something or someone. Time to put it up and give it and you a break….”

…saying NO to using the car (yes, teens have tantrums, too) or playing with a friend or going to a birthday party–“It really saddens you that you have to say no to your friend today. I bet when you have finished up with the work you need to do, we can make different plans. Let me know when you are ready to do so!”

The more we can PAUSE, calm ourselves,

consider what we really want for our child–what we really want them to learn–then we are better able to “ask only once”–clearly and calmly. And then follow through.

Keep your promises today. Even if it is for a lost privilege. Know that as you do so, you are role modeling for your child just what you want the most–a child who can count on you, trust in others, live with integrity.

Keep calm connection and clarity at the forefront in all you do…act-as-if when necessary…and notice what is different as a result.

If you enjoyed this article, here’s another you may find helpful: Save Your NO!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
www.justaskalice.org
www.denaliparentcoaching.com
©2018 Alice Hanscam

A Boy and His Dad

August 19, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! 2 Comments

A story for you…

Dad and twelve-year-old son. Broken (by accident) window in son’s bedroom. Oops. Glass everywhere, and the cost to fix it was going to be plenty.

You can imagine how dad COULD have reacted. How you or I might have. I know I’d probably have yelled, first…hard NOT to as you hear the crash of the window and find yourself already thinking towards the mess and the cost and the time it’ll take. So you can imagine how tempers could have flared. Dad could have lost it. It certainly wouldn’t be unreasonable…and his son? Well…he was cringing a bit for he KNEW he blew it and it WAS a total mess and dad was known to lose his cool over other incidents…

And yet...he didn’t lose it. Dad instead left his son’s room before his temper got the best of him. He headed downstairs to the garage. There he gathered up the Shop-Vac, some rags, a broom, duct tape, cardboard, and other cleanup and temporary repair items. As he lugged it all up the stairs, dad realized how much calmer he already felt. This PAUSE of leaving the scene of the mess, focusing on what he needed to gather, letting go of trying to drag his son downstairs with him worked for him. He found he was returning to his son’s room, more interested in engaging with him positively as they cleaned up the mess.

Son? Initially afraid dad was going to lose it, was instead relieved when dad returned, calm and focused. Dad leaving the room created a PAUSE for this 12-year-old enough that HE could take a breath and move from being afraid to being curious about what dad was up to…. Now son was receptive and actually eager to help with the clean-up job. And because of dad’s PAUSE, they were able to work together successfully…even with a bit of humor as they taped up cardboard, figured out measurements for window replacement, chased bits of glass around the floor.

**Now what? They felt connected. In a positive and fun kind of way. Lots of learning happened–real learning.**

The kind that has a child focused on ability and task and skill rather than how crazy upset they or their parent is. And it continued into the next day as they headed to the hardware store together to get all that was necessary for replacing the broken window. A cool learning experience and relationship building time that could have (understandably so) been a disaster.

What did Mr. 12 learn? That dad could be counted on to keep it together (and now Mr. 12 could also keep it together…), that certain things were what you needed to use to clean up broken glass, that you could use cardboard and duct tape creatively, and that this is what it takes to replace the window.

Perhaps most importantly, Mr. 12 learned that dad saw him as a capable and competent soul able to take responsibility for the choices (and results!) he made.

Awesome. THIS is the power of PAUSE and parenting with calm connection. And it ripples out in amazing ways..let it change your life. If you need help, you will find it in all three of my books–let them empower you to make truly relationship-building changes in your life.

Here’s to you today,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Simple Moments…Truly Relationship-Building

August 15, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! 2 Comments

Simple moments noticed and appreciated:

The dad who was enjoying the **bounce** that defined his 4-year-old daughter as she practiced her galloping skills in Walmart…

The parent respectfully and patiently waiting as his son was touching and counting each different bag of dog food before choosing the kind they came for…

The mama who, as her very frustrated and back-arching and giant tears 11-month-old let it be known just how MAD he felt, sat calmly nearby, stopping him from doing the unsafe crawling into Big Brother’s Swing Zone, and said, “You are really frustrated. You wanted to crawl over by Big Brother and I stopped you because it wasn’t safe.” That’s all. She waited, and rubbed his back, and waited some more. Then, “You are still upset. I can see that.” And waited some more. Slowly he stopped his Great Big Cry, crawled up onto her lap, checked in, and then happily, contentedly went on his way…

The dad curled up on a chair at the library with his daughter nestled in his lap–thoroughly absorbed in stories…

The mama who trailed ever-so-slowly alongside her young son, trudging ever-so-happily through mucky mud, poking with a stick, splashing and splooshing through the very soggy ground…and then plunking himself down in the biggest of the puddles…with mama nearby, watching, knowing full well there was a set of dry clothes inside their camper….

The mama who respected her toddler’s “outoftheway” statement as he moved out of the way on the zoo path, awaiting others to pass him by…she waited (‘outoftheway’) patiently until her little one decided the coast was clear and together they moved on along the path…

The dad and mom who, on request of their 9-year-old son, happily joined in on first a tag game, then a hide and seek game–all around a friend’s house laughing and hiding and carrying on. What a wonderful deposit into their relationship with their son…

The mom who joined in playfully as her son tried to go FAST down the store aisle. She gathered him up in her arms and together they jogged s.l.o.w.l.y, laughter over taking them both!

The teens who noticed the toddler watching their ball game and came to him, knelt down, and asked if he’d like to play ball, too. And off he toddled with the teens who then adjusted their play to include a 2-year-old in just the right way.

The young preschooler with eyes all alight as an unknown and friendly adult shared (and showed!) how the rabbit this adult just watched in the woods wiggled its nose, rubbed its face, scratched its tummy…and soon this young preschooler? He was doing the Rabbit Dance as he, too, wiggled his nose, rubbed his face, scratched his tummy…

The young adults who stepped up in front of a large crowd at their G’mom’s Celebration of Life, sharing stories of their own about their G’mom and how she delighted in important-to-them things in life. Such as Beanie Baby Collections, Harry Potter books, eating yummy desserts, good-looking actors on posters plastered on bedroom walls…the LIGHT in these young adults’ eyes as they shared filled many people’s hearts as we all reflected on how special G’mom was…connection at its best.

Presence. Joy. Connection. Simple moments. They are powerful.

Simple moments like these are deposits into healthy and positive relationships. Simple moments like these give children the connection and space necessary to grow well.

Simple moments. Let them fill your day.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Time-outs!

August 12, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Time-outs! Often relied on to change our child’s behavior, to “get them to behave,” to HOPEFULLY make them LEARN.

Baby Blues by Rick Kirkman and Jerry Scott

And I believe this comic says it all–“And you still don’t see the connection?”

When we use a time-out as punishment, as the go-to

consequence for “mis” behavior also known as behavior we cannot handle, or stand, or know what to do with,

what are we actually teaching?

It seems to me, when our kids hit, yell, ignore, dump the dog’s food bowl all over the floor, throw exactly what it is you don’t want being thrown, fight, you name it–if our response is, “Go to time-out!” or “That’s enough, young man. Go to your room!” or “You know hitting isn’t okay! You need to go sit THERE until I say you can move…”

…then our children are more likely never to “see the connection.” Or maybe it is that the connection they see isn’t conducive to learning just what it is we really want them to learn. And what really is missing is the connection they need with us in order to feel safe, secure, able to settle and learn.

What they hear and experience is when they choose to do something we consider “mis” behavior, they have to go to time-out. Mostly because mom or dad is mad and really can’t handle their behavior and now it is all about our mad (and inability to handle it. Scary, for a child). What is really learned? How to make mom mad. How to NOT make mom mad. And how unsettling that is for children, to seemingly be “in control” of our feelings. Rocks their boat, shakes them up, and often just creates even MORE “mis”behavior as a result.

What we really want, beyond not being mad, is for our children to learn to decide on their own to choose more appropriate and productive behavior; to be more focused on themselves and the learning we really intend.

Learning, from the inside-out.

Truly self-directed. Essential for future successful and healthy adulthood.

When the go-to is “Time-Out, Young Man!”, where is the learning to use gentle hands, a quieter voice, to keep the dog’s food IN the bowl or how to sweep it up and put it where it belongs? Where is the learning to throw appropriate items, place others, hand over some, plunk others? How do they know the steps to productive negotiation? Sending our kids to time-out often undermines the learning of exactly what we truly want.

Instead, consider a time-out as exactly what it is meant for–a time to cool off. To be used often in connection WITH you (a Time IN), or at least from the place of, “Wow, you are really really upset. It’s time to take a break…” A time-out is an opportunity to take that break, cool our jets, feel better, and then try again. Essential life-skill. A PAUSE. Knowing when you need it and how to take one is what we are guiding our children towards and probably learning to do ourselves . See my books for help in this!

All the other behaviors? They deserve our calm, matter-of-fact response. “When you hit, it hurts. It’s never okay. What is it you’d like to say?” “We use gentler hands on our kitty. Like this…if you need to hit, let’s go whack the couch pillows!” “Yikes! The dog food belongs IN the bowl. Would you like to scoop it back up with your hands or try sweeping it up?” “Blocks are for building or plunking. Would you like to try again?” “You are super excited! Let’s put the blocks away right now and go get all your extra throwing energy out with our soft balls…” “You two are having a tough time taking turns. You both want a chance to play with our new game…hmmmm…”

**And now our child has the opportunity to feel supported and understood by us, connected to us, and focused on exactly what we want them to learn more about.**

NOW they have the opportunity to connect their choice with a result that has them learning HOW to do something, WHAT they feel, STEPS they can take. All with your company. And they now are more likely to learn.

So today, think about just what it is you really want (beyond NOT feeling mad!), and let a pause for YOU step up so you can then join alongside your child and take the extra minute to talk and show. Pretty powerful, our words and actions.

And if it continues to escalate? That’s okay. Now it is a time to use a time-out as the PAUSE it is truly meant to be. Instead of a punishment, it becomes a powerful way to help a child feel the connection with himself and with you that has them calming themselves, managing themselves, and deciding for themselves just when they are ready to try again.

Now they’ll see the connection. And your job has just become easier… This is the power of PAUSE.

Here’s to you today!
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Keeping Our Children Safe

June 8, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology Comment

Consider these…

Your baby begins to pull up and travel a bit around furniture and all of a sudden his little hands can reach those fragile items, the knives in the drawer, the tantalizing pot burbling away atop the hot stove.

Whew! Quick! If you haven’t already now it IS time to baby proof–to think about and then act upon putting the fragile items up high, poisons and sharp knives behind locked doors and drawers or whatever works in your family to keep Baby safe, healthy, growing strong. And you do so.

And as Baby grows, you get busy showing her how to stay back from the hot oven as you open it, to carefully stir the oatmeal in the pot on the stove alongside you, to use first a butter knife to practice cutting until you are confident she can handle a small sharp knife. You TEACH. Safety skills for keeping your little one safe, healthy, growing strong–and learning!

Your five-year-old happily dumps her thousands of Lego blocks all over the floor to immerse herself in building and creating.

Uh-oh! New development in your home. Your 15-month-old wants to be right in the middle of all those small and choke-able items. Quick! Figure out a new way for Lego to be played so your little one CAN be safe, healthy, growing strong. Maybe Miss Five can play with them up on the table, or behind closed doors. Maybe, as you think about ideas, you can just be sure to be right there with your young toddler to show him just what he CAN play with, put in his mouth, or how Lego blocks can be used. What a way to keep your little one safe, healthy, growing strong. Think of all the learning!

Because you are quite clear about keeping your child SAFE as you unload from your parked car on a busy street or in a busy parking lot…

…you’ve thought ahead about grabbing that grocery cart before unbuckling anybody, or having your backpack ready to roll for your child to load up in, or talking ahead of time about holding hands or being carried. You’ve thought about it and are purposeful with just what you do. Including being gently firm with your dash-away-from-you toddler 🙂 Teaching, guiding, and learning that will keep your child safe, healthy, growing strong.

We are quite good at taking care with how we handle the above kinds of situations and many more along our journeys as parents. Sometimes after the fact a bit, sometimes ahead of time–and either way, we’ve thought a bit or for a while; we’ve become intentional with what we do.

We can and NEED to do so with all things digital in our lives.

It’s so darn overwhelming, isn’t it? And yet, look at all we already do with care and purpose in order to keep our children safe, healthy, growing strong and learning. Let’s look at how we can do so with technology, as well. Because really, there will be times when we are exhausted, sick, tending to a sick one, talking at length with Grandma who is having real troubles, frying up meat that is spattering oil all over the kitchen and kids just CAN’T be underfoot. We have to have something to entertain our kids in these moments that is quick and easy (if they are unable to entertain themselves…). And our default these days are iPhones, video games, iPads, shows to watch, and on and on.

Thoughts for you as you become purposeful and thoughtful about just what IS safe and healthy for your child…

***Choose Apps with care. Be sure there is no marketing of products to your child. Be sure there is no violence or other inappropriate content. Be sure you are comfortable with the story-line, the game, whether there is an ability to drift off onto the internet into unknown territory…

***Think about the content of anything you let your child watch, “do”, play with--does it support the kind of relationships you want them to be exposed to? Does it represent healthy ways to live and be? Is it something that spurs real conversation within your family?

***Consider audio books for your child to listen to…or books on the iPad that are used only in those moments of exhaustion, illness, cooking fatty meat on the stove 🙂 When your child gets them only at these times, they become special–and something that truly engages them just when you need it the most.

Or maybe just have a box of books or special items saved for just these moments. That’s what we did…and it works.

***Consider behavior following device use. Are they acting out? Scared? Worried? Discover why. Ask about what they saw. Let it guide YOU in considering, again with purpose, what might be better choices of Apps, videos, games.

***Educate yourself in regards to children being exposed to too much screen time. Let this knowledge guide you as you purposefully choose what is right for your children and family. You can find a lot of excellent info at the Children’s Sreen Time Action Network.

***Take a look around your home and be sure it supports your child in being safe, healthy, growing strong. Put phones out of sight and on silent during family time and meals. Watch your own use of devices when with your children. Use a real camera, a real watch, a real alarm clock. Talk about why you choose with care what and how you do all things digital. Keep all screens OUT of bedrooms. Have specific places for devices to be kept and charged, rather than spread all over the house. I know one family who has a small wooden box set up in an out-of-the-way place where all devices get dropped once home. Now they can no longer distract and it becomes an intentional act to retrieve them.

The more we can use our strength at being

purposeful to tend to all things digital in our lives, the more

likely we are modeling for our children healthy uses of technology, growing children in healthy, strong ways, and keeping

them as safe as we can.

Start today. Help your child learn with care how to BE with all the devices in your house-hold. Keep “safe, healthy, strong” as your filter, showing your little one up to your teen how best to use technology so it can be part of healthy growth and development. Because it can. With your care, your awareness, your strength at being purposeful.

With HOPE and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

A Grateful Mama

May 9, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated Comment

I am grateful.

Grateful to be a mother to two young women moving along their own journeys, growing themselves in lovely, strong, intentional ways. A bit sad, too, since our time together is few and far between…and when we will be together again as a family is unknown…

I am proud. Not because of their academic or athletic or any other ability. Not because of “jobs well done” or excelling or being artistic or smart or funny or any of those things we often hear others say they are proud of.

You know, I think about this “proud” statement, often. I hear others use it–“I’m proud of you, son!” as the child wins an award, or gets straight A’s or succeeds in some other way. What does it mean to our children if they then lose, or fail, or not succeed in something–are we still proud of them? Do we tell them at those times? Or do they think our pride is only for the times they do well and that it is their job to “make us proud?” I hope not.

I want, more than anything, for my daughters to make them SELVES proud. That their job is to lead themselves, from the inside out, focused on their feelings and their abilities and then take their strong-from-the-inside-out selves and always look to what they can do to help make the world a better place; to live well and strong, productive and purposeful.

And I want them to know I AM proud, and I truly admire them. And I want them to know why. Maybe this will help you look at your children and despite the struggles, frustration, worry, and all that our parenting journeys inevitably bring, you can notice important qualities in them evolving in amazing ways. Because they are there, ready to emerge, expand, strengthen.

I am proud and I admire my daughters because of their ever-growing abilities to:

~ Persevere. Through hard classes, hard times, difficult relationships, jobs that leave them frustrated, confusing moments/days/months, embarrassing moments, wondering-what-the-heck-do-I-do-now moments. To stick with their dreams and stand by their values. To stick with their friends no matter or maybe because of the turmoil. To persevere through it all staying true to (and still discovering) themselves.

~ Be kind. To others whether it is easy or difficult. To animals–well cared for pets and lonely strays. To people who believe different things and live in different ways and maybe make them uncomfortable at times. To children and each other. To choose “be kind” over “be right.” To be kind to themselves, always.

~ PAUSE and consider. Get calm then clear on what the next step is or the big picture is or what they hope for and intend. Equally, to give themselves a bit of grace as they struggle with just what their next step is. To take that break when their buttons are pushed. To be intentional in what they do–no matter how what they do turns out. Being intentional is a huge strength. Pausing grows this ability.

~ Love, fully. With open arms and hearts. To miss those they love. To ache for them, rejoice in them, be confused by them, find ways to be connected no matter the distance. To be vulnerable in their love. To share their love. To love themselves. That’s hard at times, to love ourselves. We are so quick to judge when really, we need to *just* love and accept, to be comfortable in who we are today; empowered to grow ourselves for tomorrow.

~ Risk. Step out of their comfort zone, try on new things. To be uncomfortable AND confident. To be willing. What a way to grow! Their courage is something I admire, for in so many ways I never had this courage. I have been inspired by theirs.

~ Trust. Each other, us, themselves, the path life presents them. To see them lose, have to let go and still know, with a growing certainty, that if they just re-adjust what they are looking at or where they look, another door will open or is already standing open awaiting them. Always. That opportunity is always there for the taking–sometimes it is just that we have to re-frame what life brings. This trust? It is baseline.

~ Laugh! The light-hearted humor they weave through their lives is something else I truly admire–from letting it help them through the tough times to reaching out to others to help lighten their load. A gentle humor; a laugh-until-you-cry humor. It goes a long way…

~ Be independent. Taking charge of their lives. Deciding for themselves what feels right, good, productive, helpful, kind, loving, important. And then doing it. Standing certain in those decisions. And again, always be willing to let go…and continue trusting just where the Universe is leading them.

And you know what else I admire and am proud of? That both my girls want to spend time with me and their dad. They turn to us as the resource we always intended on being. They are open and honest with their thoughts and feelings. When we come together as a family JOY is the over-riding experience. Yes, we get tired of each other. yes, we get frustrated. Yes, our girls seem to always win at our favorite board game (Ticket to Ride!) AND remind us of this often. Yet JOY is still the over-riding experience…I can tell, because we always look forward to the next time we all get to be together (and play more games).

This I am grateful for. Deeply, deeply grateful. May they carry this JOY forward into their friendships and future families.

I am proud to be their mother. I feel blessed, grateful, inspired by them. I think one of the most important ways I’ve grown by being their mother is watching their creative, courageous selves embrace their journeys no matter the bumps and struggles and successes. It has helped and is helping me do the same…

Helping me to stand by what I know is right, good, and healthy for my family and all children no matter what someone else or something else dictates–our society, our culture.

Helping me to strengthen my PAUSE, let my patience step up, and wait and LIVE in the uncertainty that often defines our parenting journeys, our lives.

Helping me to stand in my integrity and practice all that I think, feel, believe–no matter the hard. My girls are watching and this is important to me.

What a team we are.

And I miss them as we again and again part ways to live our lives…and equally I look forward to being together once again.

Today, tomorrow, every day–take time to really look at your children no matter their age. Notice what they are working on, how they approach things, when they show their independent selves (even when you wish they would JUST LISTEN to you). Look for those moments of care and kindness and respect and focus and hard work and sharing of feelings and humor and all those qualities key for growing into the whole and wonderful beings we hope for.

And then let them know what you see…let them know when you notice just what you’d like MORE of for what we focus on? It grows.

Then tell them you feel blessed and grateful to be their parent…

Happy Mother’s Day. And to my daughters, Happy to BE your Mother today and every day

Alice (AKA mom).

Author and Parent Coach

One Mom’s Real and Positive CHANGE

April 7, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Self-care, Story Time! Comment

A story for you!

Mom, fourteen-year-old daughter, eleven-year-old son. Reactive household. Lots of yelling, talking back, frustration, ignoring.

A daughter who began to hide things—her texts, her new found boyfriend, her self.

A mom who was clear she wanted to help her daughter be safe, choose with care, make healthy decisions. A mom who realized what could lie up ahead if she and her kids continued on this road of reactivity, of feeling lousy, of anything but relationship building experiences and interactions.

A mom who sought support via parent coaching...

She decided to start focusing on herself first and foremost…

Mom began to worry less about what her daughter chose to do and focused more on what she (mom) decided to do.

Mom began depositing into her Self Care Savings Account.

She learned about and focused on her PAUSE muscle.

She spent time reflecting on just the kind of adults she intended to grow…on just what kind of relationships she really wanted…on how she would like to feel.

Mom actively grew her calm(er) self and began to listen.

To stay quiet, initially. To express clearly her hopes for her children. To be clear on expectations without it becoming a yelling match. At least, only a one-sided yelling match, for she had decided to no longer yell…but what her kids decided–that was up to them 🙂 .

Mom found herself asking more questions rather than dictating what she thought the answers should be. She discovered she COULD sit through some big emotional times with her young teen and maintain the calm her daughter needed the most from her.

Her daughter began to flourish.

She began to respond well to her mother’s ability to gently intervene, rather than yell, nag, threaten. She began to trust what her mom said she meant and would do. This fourteen year old started to share more openly with her mother. To seek her out as a resource as things escalated with a boyfriend who stepped up his demands…his stalking via texts…the drama of first love relationships…the drama of friendships, period.

Her daughter felt empowered as her mom asked questions rather than told her what to do. She started, on her own, to choose better friends, healthier relationships, to stand up for her self. Mom and daughter began to laugh and talk and enjoy each other more and more often…and family life calmed down.

Fast forward three years. This mom?

She shared with me just how connected, joyful, respectful her relationships with her children have become.

Just what she envisioned three years ago when she initially sought support. She shared how her daughter told her she is someone she trusts, that she can count on mom to listen and often wait before mom intervenes in a situation. Her daughter shared with her how she sees her mother as a resource she can and does and wants to turn to. Cool, hmmm?

This daughter? She is about to fly. College is right around the corner. She is ready–feeling capable, competent, respected, trusted.

This mom? She is ready, too. She now knows, without a doubt, her relationship with this young adult is exactly how she intended it to be.

And the family? Oh the adventures they enjoy together! What a gift to both children to have a parent wanting and willing to grow themselves in order to become the kind of parent they intend to be. What a gift to the children to have a parent actively pausing, considering, living the respect and trust she wants to see; doing whatever she can to calm her own anxieties and worries enough that they no longer lead the way throughout the day; actively focusing on self-care–the foundation for parenting and living well.

What a gift to her children and to herself, all this work at growing has been.

I wanted to share so you can feel a bit more empowered today to pull your focus first to yourself, to trust the process growth and relationships are, to know–really KNOW–that the work you put in right now to parent with calm connection, to parent well, pays off.

It is worth the journey no

matter how many years, for it is about relationships. And it is our relationships that count the most.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author of “Parenting Inspired” and “PAUSE”
PCI Certified Parent Coach® and ScreamFree Certified Leader
©2016 Alice Hanscam

Power of Respect

February 13, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

What does stopping tickling when your child says stop, knocking on your child’s bedroom door and wait for a “come in!”, and asking first if they want a hug have to do with growing a future respectful teen?

Plenty. Think about this. You want your (future) teen to:

…have a strong sense of self.

…be able to say no to negative peer pressure or unwanted sexual activity.

…have a clear idea of what feels right and good to him or her and be that self-directed, responsible soul you wish for.

…show respect, both for themselves and for others (including you!)

And you know what? You CAN have a teen who is strong from the inside out, able to know themselves well and say NO as necessary. You CAN have a teen who shows you, themselves, and others respect.

Here’s how…

Begin right now to model for your little ones just the

kind of respect that grows a future teen able to do all of this.Model how he or she deserves to be treated by respecting privacy, respecting bodies, respecting their space; both emotional and physical.

What does this look like with younger children? A few ideas:

~ Stop tickling when they say no or stop or don’t. Just STOP. No negotiating. No “Are you sure???” No “Okay!” followed by “Just one more tickle and I’ll stop! I promise!”

~ Knock first on their bedroom and bathroom door and ask to come in. Wait for their answer. And if you need to go in? Knock, ask, pause, and then let them know, “I need to come in now…” and pause again to let them respond before you slowly open the door and head on in.

~ Ask first if they are ready for a hug, and wait for their answer. If it’s a NO, respect it. If it’s a YES, enjoy it!

~ Ask first if they are ready to have their face washed, their shampoo rinsed, their diaper changed, and wait for them to respond. For they will. And if their response is that they aren’t ready—then perhaps you can wait a bit more saying, “I can tell you aren’t quite ready. We’ll do one more book…splash in the suds for 2 more minutes…and then it’ll be time for me to help you…” And you do—both wait and follow-through.

~ Calm your anxiety over their messy room–give them that space to call their own and be responsible for it. What a way for your child to learn how to manage a space, to discover just what they do like and can tolerate. Key, you know, for future dorm rooms and shared apartments…

And yes, that means letting go of the mess that accumulates other than the once a month obligatory deep clean :-). Or something to that effect…because instead of a deep clean, maybe it is just a weekly collection of dirty dishes. Or clothes. Or maybe it is, “Having your buddy over to spend the night sounds wonderful! Let’s see what we can sort through in your room so you can find space for sleeping bags…”

~ Let them struggle--affirm the difficulty, the feelings; ask them what they think they can do. Describe what you see as they work at a stubborn puzzle piece. Let them know you are there and when they are ready, you are happy to help…and then step back. Hard at times, for we are so wired to “fix a problem” rather than see it as the growth opportunity it really is…

~ Give them options other than kissing or hugging Aunt Martha, Grandpa, the old friends coming to visit. Let them know they get to decide how to greet or say goodbye in a way that is comfortable to them. And that includes no greet or goodbye.

Respecting their feelings gives them the chance to figure out what feels right and good to them.

And of course, once Aunt Martha, Grandpa, or the old friends are gone, you can have conversations about how greeting and good-bye-ing are ways we show we care. You can have conversations about just how THEY want to show this care.

~ Let your child disagree with you–ask them what they think and then accept it as their opinions. Stop yourself from trying to convince them to see it your way…instead accept, then share what you think. And now their ideas are valued. Some pretty amazing conversations can emerge as a result!

Respect. Model it from day one–and you will more likely grow a teen with a strong sense of self and the ability to navigate pressures in healthy ways AND you will have a little one who better manages their selves—and parenting can get a bit easier…

Truly all around relationship building.

With JOY and appreciation.,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

The Magic of Respect

January 25, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

You know the cool thing about respectful interactions?

All the amazing things that emerge…

…babies who actively participate in care-giving routines–perhaps via closing their eyes and scrunching up their faces when you ask, “I’m going to pull your shirt on, now, are you ready?,” or picking up their legs, ready for the clean diaper, or working that spoonful of pureed carrots in and all around their mouth and face, followed by sucking and smooshing a wet wash cloth until their pureed carrots are all gone from their cheeks–all by themselves.

What a way to grow their capable and competent selves.

…toddlers who are willing to stop what they are doing and come with you right away because most of the time you respect what they are working on and give them the time they need to finish. Toddlers who actually consider what you are saying and asking…and then nod happily and join in with the job. Pretty neat, the more we respect them, the more they listen and cooperate.

…older children who feel confident and in charge of themselves (so essential for a healthy self-esteem and identity come teen years!) because all along mom and dad have respected their limits, their feelings. You know, all those tickling, rough housing, pillow fights, peek-a-boo games we love to keep going? Our stopping when our child indicates they’ve had enough communicates our respect for their ability to manage themselves, know their own feelings, be in charge of their bodies.

…children able to self-direct, to know and then decide what they want to do and do it--their ideas, their way. Like pouring 32 cups of tea for their stuffed teddy that evolves to dressing up in a cape as they fly around the house to flopping on the pile of pillows to immerse themselves in a book.

Or spending 20 minutes trying to coordinate broom and dustpan and pile of dirt, getting frustrated, trying again, finding out the dirt spills off when they angle the pan wrong, trying again…getting frustrated…flopping on the floor…playing in the pile of dirt…then up and trying AGAIN.

Our affirmations and quiet presence as they move through the frustrations communicates our respect for the job they are doing; for their own ideas and decisions.

When we respect our child enough to keep

interruptions minimal, they have the opportunity to grow

themselves as a self-directed individual.

They now have the opportunity to truly learn what they like and don’t like, what they can and cannot do, to persevere, to think creatively, to discover how they feel…what a gift for their entire future, school and otherwise! And way less whining and “I’m bored!” to push your buttons, making our job a tad bit easier :-).

…young children saying, “I frusserated!” “STOP, I don’t like that!” “I need a hug.” “Mommy, I’m MAD at you!” rather than tantrums, melt-downs, hitting and biting. With our respectful affirmations and naming of their feelings without trying to fix them, our children learn to manage them selves–with words, stomping feet, withdrawing into their blankies…all the while working on learning just what we hope–appropriate expression of all those big feelings. Respect allows for this.

…cooperative behavior more often than not–-the more we are respectful, the more cooperative our children become. They feel safe, heard, understood. We’ve communicated how they can count on us to keep it together even when they cannot.

They know for sure that how they feel, what they think, and what they are interested in doing is important to you–and when anyone feels that way they are much more likely to listen, compromise, collaborate. To create those win/win solutions.

With respect in place, you are more likely to

nurture the growth of a self-directed, focused, persevering,

creative, problem solving, cooperative and collaborative

strong future teen and adult.

What more could we ask for?

Respectfully,
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

A Cup of Kindness

December 30, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

Here’s to a cup of kindness each and every night. May your New Year be filled with kindness; let it lead the way in all that you do.

Just think, what a fabulous way to role model for our children just what we want more of.

A cup of kindness known as:

~ Self-care! Be kind to yourself by focusing first on YOU so you can parent well…patiently…with a sense of humor…Really. Taking care of YOU is essential for…well…EVERY thing.

~ Calm connection! Especially with your child and ESPECIALLY when they are anything but calm…(A rather large mug-full of self-care kindness required at these times )

~ BIG-GIANT feelings of our kids’ greeted with open arms and the message that “your feelings matter…you can count on me to keep it together no matter how BIG your feelings are!” What a feeling of safety for our kids as they work through the tumultuous-ness of all things upsetting.

~ Pausing! Then asking our child, “What do you suppose would be the kind thing to do right now?” And relishing your child’s ideas…

~ Calm and consistent follow through with the choice your child makes–whether it is for a positive thing or something less than peaceful as you move forward with your promise of no family game until homework is done. Calm and consistent follow through demonstrates guidance that is kind AND respectful. Just what our children can learn well from.

~ Letting go! Perhaps of OUR agenda…or solution…or desire to have it all feel easy and calm and smooth, or that seemingly essential errand, or going ahead with that essential errand and being okay with your child reaching their limit of patience. Another BIG mug full of kindness known as self-care required for this one…

~ SHOWING our children what care and compassion can do for another…showing and letting go of their participation. Our role-modeling–no matter what they decide to do–is one of the greatest ways to influence our kids in positive and powerful ways.

~ Presence! Intentionally choosing to be fully present to whomever you are with–whether it is engaging in conversation and play, or quietly watching your child as they immerse themselves in a game, or sitting through the alligator tears of hurt feelings. What a simple way to show kindness to another–our full, un-distracted presence. And that includes our presence to our SELVES…

A few ways to have a cup of kindness–go share one with

your child (or yourself) today and know that it will ripple out in lovely ways to all over time. What we focus on grows…

Happy 2019!

Remember Postcards?

November 29, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology 2 Comments

Distance. From your children or grandchildren or other special little (and big!) ones in your life. Maybe due to traveling at length for work or pleasure, or a divorce and shared (or not so shared) custody, or living far far away, or…

Distance. It can be tough. When we feel the distance we often feel less connected. And isn’t it connection we all want?

Maybe you worry a bit (or a lot) about your relationship with your child or other special little and big one in your life because you can’t be together as much as you’d like. That real and meaningful connection you want? It is hard to get.

Enter in all things technology. It has been a blessing in so many ways for it allows us TO connect even when we are far away. You Skype, often! Now your favorite little and big ones can see your face, hear you, leave your heart filled and probably a bit achy since you still can’t REALLY be with them. You text. Often through the day to feel that connection, to check in, to let them know you care, to share a funny story, to encourage. Or maybe you just call and chat over the phone, or Face Time, since we can, now.

And yet with all this desire to be connected and use technology’s latest and greatest, I believe we are missing something very important. Something that can grow relationships in rich and meaningful and lasting ways.

It’s called mail.

Postcards. Letters. Packages. Mail–sent the “old fashioned” way. Slowly–or not so slowly with overnight-ing ability. Postcards that share a picture and a quick story. Letters that are filled with adventures and thoughts and love. Packages that delight upon opening with all the little surprises tucked inside.

It surprises me as I talk to more and more grandparents who bemoan living far away from their grandchildren AND light up when they say they get to Skype them regularly…yet have never even considered writing to them.

Here’s the deal. Those postcards and letters? They can do far more for building relationships and creating meaningful connection then any screen technology can.

Maybe not immediately–like screens can–but long term. Over time.

Just the way relationships are meant to be grown.

Think about this. When you write a postcard to a young child in your life, they get to open the mail box. Find a physical item just from YOU inside it. Have their mama or papa read it to them. Study the photo and writing. Hold it, bend it, hide it, hang it, re-read it over and over and over again.

On your next Skype you get to talk about it and it becomes a tangible item they can hold and refer to as you, perhaps, extend the story you told on the postcard into your Skype time. Then if you are really lucky, as I have been, you get to go VISIT your special little one IN PERSON and have your heart filled as they lead you into their bedroom and show you the PILE of postcards and letters they’ve received and go through them all over again. Stories shared, joy felt, giggles and laughter and sorting and piling and flipping and thumb-tacking and folding…all over again.

And if you are writing an older child? Maybe less “hands on” action with that letter or postcard, and yet the same impact. Something received that can be held, read, deciphered if it is in “chicken scratch” as my writing can look, picked up and read again, tucked in a journal or drawer or folded and put into a pocket to be saved for later. Referred to, elaborated upon, saved.

You can’t do that with Skype or Face Time or Zoom.

Both my daughters received postcards and letters and packages from grandparents and other special people in their lives–all through their childhood. You know what is especially cherished–now that their G’mom passed away? The literal albums of cards they kept from her–that’s how they decided to save them, in albums. That’s how important they have been to them. They return to them, relish them, relive them. And because of this, they now write their own special buddies often–and those special buddies? Now aged 4 and 9? Even though they rarely see my daughters, they have relationships that run deep. That are truly meaningful and full of stories and memories and experiences. And it is the postcards and letters and packages that have magnified all of this. Created it!

And the cool thing? These buddies in their lives write THEM. Paper and cards and tape and markers come out. Imagination and creativity fostered. Letters practiced. Stories told. Stamps picked out. Envelopes licked. Post offices visited to drop the mail in. And then the excitement over just WHEN those cards will be received. Oh the JOY. And of course, awaiting the letter or card bound to come back to them :-).

All from REAL mail.

Try it today. Write a quick note. Share a funny story about what you saw a squirrel do out your window. Tell something about the recipe you tried and how it ended up being rather…not so good! Mention the snow that fell and how you want to do snow angels soon. Share about a tough job or ideas for the next time you will be together or tell a joke.

Maybe just draw a quick picture, add a few stickers, and send it off. Postcards are great for they can inspire a story. And children of ALL ages enjoy stories.

And now that distance you feel? It can be cherished for you are filling it with real and meaningful CONNECTION that builds relationships in lovely ways. That ache you feel? It is warmed a bit as you discover inside your mailbox a letter written to YOU. Now you get to hold, relish, savor, read, tuck away, save. To bring out once again as you need to warm your heart all over again.

Go write. I promise you will discover a richness and joy that might just catch you by surprise. And it will totally DELIGHT whomever you write to!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

“What does my child NEED?”

November 6, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

A mom-ism to share. One of those bits of wisdom that my mother (AKA Grandmom or G’mom for short) gave me.

Back in the day when my eldest was a baby I called her in tears. I was sleep deprived, I just couldn’t “get” my baby to stay asleep or fall back to sleep without me holding and rocking and always being there. Oh how tired I was. Oh how worried I was–was this going to be FOREVER??? NEVER sleeping without a constant ME?

And mom said one of the wisest and most impactful things to me…

“When you answer her need, (those rather unwanted) habits disappear…or even better, never form.”

She didn’t tell me what to do. She didn’t tell me how she thought I SHOULD be doing it. She didn’t say I was spoiling my baby or ruining her or anything like that. Nope. Just her insightful comment that took me in another direction entirely.

So I asked myself–what did my baby need? And I knew already. She needed ME. She needed to know I was there. She was young enough (2-3 months!) to still see herself as a part of me, rather than separate from me. That was coming soon, those first stages of separation…and boy, do they bring some new and challenging experiences!

I chose to answer her need. To go to her and be there for her. My mom’s words and the action I then took brought little to no ease in regards to MY sleep–at least, not initially.

But they brought ease to my heart. And with ease in my heart…

…I felt more connected. I UNDERSTOOD my baby’s need and I was answering it. Confidence wormed its way in. My heart calmed down. I calmed down. And you know what? Even though sleep was constantly interrupted, I felt BETTER. From there, eventually, my little one began to sleep better. Longer. Less interrupted. The incredible TIRED I could feel just didn’t seem so heavy any more.

And here’s the deal--I have used my mother’s Mom-ism all throughout my parenting journey. As challenges arise, I try to PAUSE first. And then ask myself, “What does my child need?” “What is she really asking for behind all this UPSET?” “What is she needing the most from me in order to move through this tumultuous stage and settle a bit?” “What does she need to be and feel that more independent soul she is pushing so hard to become?”

The answer isn’t always clear. The direction I take doesn’t always work. But the question always remains the same. “What does my child NEED?”

And I figured it out. You can, too. Start with asking the question and then take the steps you think will help answer it. Because really, that is what all of this parenting deal is about–answering our growing children’s physical, mental, and emotional needs along a developmental timeline that is quite a journey…different yet similar to everyone else’s…unique and challenging and in the long run, quite amazing.

And the magic of it all is what emerges. With needs answered, calm connection and confidence and clarity emerges. Children feel understood, supported, empowered and can grow their capable, competent selves…and so can we Relationships can be deposited into and eventually THRIVE.

Thank you, mom. Again, I treasure all you’ve given me in your life time and I know you knew that–because I told you. May your spirit continue to lift and inspire me and others. And may I continue to ask myself the same question as my now adult daughters turn to me once again…“What does my child NEED?”

With JOY and appreciation and heartfelt gratitude,

Your daughter, Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Whose Homework IS it?!

October 12, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

“What will your child learn when homework is HIS job and not yours?

Exactly that. It’s his job. No one is going to do it for him. Isn’t that what raising a responsible child is all about?” (Rhonda Moskowitz)

Back to school time. You are in the midst of it all. The transitions, the excitement, the stress, the worry, the FUN, the work, the who knows what that will present itself as your child moves back into the school rhythm.

And then there is homework. It is a very real issue all the way down to Kindergarten. There’s the fact that kids too young are getting homework–and too much of it. There’s the fact that we parents feel VERY RESPONSIBLE for our kids doing their homework–otherwise they won’t get good grades and then we must be bad parents. Or we won’t “look” good amongst all the parents who’s children soar at homework. Or we just get super worried our kids are going to f-a-i-l. Or or or. You name it, we feel responsible. And it becomes relationship-depleting…and undermines exactly what we really want–a self-directed, responsible future adult .

Read here for the full article. Rhonda (the author) is amazing. And homework is your child’s job. YES you have responsibilities. Responsibilities TO them for things that influence their ability to do their homework. So read on. Feel encouraged, empowered, relieved.

And then use all that time you used to spend hovering and making and pulling your hair out on yourself. Do something, just for you so you CAN step back a bit…

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Take. Your. Time.

October 11, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional 2 Comments

Take Your Time.

There’s a young Mama in my life of whom I admire greatly. She has the wonderful ability to Take Her Time through much of whatever her toddler and preschooler throw at her. She incorporates PAUSE in such a way that her little ones feel heard, understood, supported, and able to better manage themselves in all they do. Something you each know I speak of often…and yet walking the talk is even difficult for me at times.

I’ve learned much from her. I know she’s learned from me, and yet…this Take Your Time? Watching how she does this no matter the emotions or circumstance has truly empowered me to further grow this in myself. To relax a bit, no matter the situation, and Take My Time through it. No rush. The less the rush, the more it feels right. Good. Healing. Relationship-building, ultimately.

It is HARD, as you all know, in the loud, upsetting, maybe even tantruming moments. It is HARD knowing that it takes so much repetition for little ones to learn–why oh why can’t they figure it out the FIRST time that wrecking their sibling’s work isn’t okay, that hitting and biting hurts, that throwing their food on the floor and watching the dog lap it all up just isn’t going to fly after the first round of laughter from all of us?

We all want our words to work the FIRST time. We all want to make these big and uncomfortable feelings go away, settle down. We all want the HARD to become easy. Now. Not months from now, but immediately. I think this is accentuated by our culture of instant gratification–from ordering on Amazon Prime to Googling answers right away to instant or fast foods, to immediate results for many things and everything becoming just so much faster. That’s a whole other post to write–because I believe it is undermining our lives in truly unhealthy ways. Making it hard to Take Our Time. And it is in Taking Our Time that the most meaningful things come.

Back to the immediate parenting deal and that upsetting BIG feelings situation…

Here’s the deal. It truly does take strengthening our PAUSE muscle. Because as we strengthen this within ourselves–to create a bit of space to calm ourselves and recognize whatever the situation is–the more we can respond from a calm, connected place, the more that is learned. And really, it all comes down to Taking Your Time.

Maybe this looks like your understanding it will take repetition–calm, consistent, clear responses over and over again–in order for you little one to learn and grow. And so you settle in for the long haul. Get clear about what you want, be consistent and calm with how you show them.

Maybe this looks like taking a deep breath as things totally disintegrate and LET them disintegrate. With your company. LET the loud, big upset be loud and big. Work more at calming yourself or arranging your facial expressions to reflect how you’d LIKE to be feeling (!!). And be in it all. Take Your Time.

Because as you do so, you are communicating to your child important messages, such as:

You can count on me to keep it together no matter how you decide to behave or feel. What a way to help a child feel safe and secure in the midst of BIG feelings.

I have confidence in your ability to manage your feelings. You can count on my company and support to help you along. Just imagine knowing the important person in your life has confidence in YOU.

How YOU feel is okay and all WILL be okay. Wow–to hear (over and over again) that feeling mad or sad or happy or frustrated is OKAY. Just think how that can ripple out into adulthood! Someone who allows themselves to feel fully whatever they need to feel AND know that they will be okay. What a game-changer that could be for all of us.

How you feel is important. Valued. Respected. Imagine having that communicated to you as you rant over what a co-worker or boss or parenting partner did. That your rant is heard, Is important. Is valued and respected. For our children, that is the precursor to calming themselves. To being compassionate towards another. To eventually cooperating and collaborating and sharing and all those wonderful skills and qualities we want to see in our kids.

You don’t need me to decide for you how to feel. This is so key–it is never our responsibility to make another feel a certain way. Yes, we have great influence, and it is ultimately up to each one of us to be responsible for how we decide to feel. And this is empowering. Think about how that ripples out to teen years–as our children learn to understand, accept, and manage their own feelings, they are less likely as teens look to another to tell them what they should do and feel. Pretty important for growing in healthy ways. For relating in healthy ways.

What does Take Your Time actually LOOK like?

With little guys it is about describing what you see, first and foremost. “You are mad…your brother wrecked your puzzle…you both wanted that toy…it’s frustrating when that doesn’t work for you…you bumped your head and it hurt…” Just the act of describing, first and foremost, creates a PAUSE and allows you to Take Your Time. And it helps your child understand and process it all, too. It often gives you insight into just what your child is actually thinking and feeling. Sometimes this can be surprising!

With your older child or teen it may be about saying, “I hear you. I’m feeling pretty upset myself, right now. Let me take a bit to think about this. I will get back to you.” And then you do–both Take Your Time to think, and then get back to them. This creates that PAUSE that slows it all down and allows you to respond in a productive, relationship-building way. Ever so respectful.

Sometimes it is about physically being next to your child for a moment. Just being there, present, connected, waiting for a moment. Working harder at calming your own anxiety then calming them.

Sometimes is is about your encouraging self-talk telling yourself that this particular deal will take a long time to learn and you CAN continue stepping in patiently. Over and over and over again. You can do it!

Always it is about seeing any situation as an opportunity for growth and learning (for you and your child!) rather than a problem to solve. This is something I encourage all of you to reflect on–as you rush in to stop, solve, fix, get over as quick as possible (so you can feel better!), consider what you might do differently if you saw this as the opportunity to help your child grow a bit more towards the kind of adult you hope they’ll be. Consider, if it wasn’t a problem to fix, how you might approach it. When we step in thinking it is our job to fix something, we rob our children and ourselves of all kinds of important, essential growth. Another post to write!

Take Your Time. Slow it down when you can.

Focus first on calming YOUR self so you can help your child do the same. Allow for the extra few minutes to move

through a difficult moment. Allow the difficult

moment to be a long moment.

Sometimes for older children we are talking days. Weeks. And yet, as we Take Our Time through their difficult moments, situations, stages, THEY can feel all that support and encouragement that will ultimately move them through it productively. Healthily. Feeling competent, capable, in charge of their selves. How cool is that?

What do YOU need in order to Take Your Time? To take care of you along the way. Remember those Self-Care deposits I talk about? Be sure to do something, just for you, regularly. One minute, hours. Whatever works in your life. It all counts.

Be sure to think about where you have been able to Take Your Time. To feel more comfortable through upset. To help your child move through something difficult. Because it is those times that will bolster you in the midst of the here and now difficult ones.

And PAUSE. Often in your life. Wherever and with whomever. The more you focus on this, the more you strengthen the muscle, the more likely you will find yourself Taking Your Time through something more difficult.

This Mama I admire? She’s taught me this. To Take My Time no matter how disruptive, upsetting, uncomfortable a situation is. To recognize how my button gets pushed and equally recognize I get to control my own buttons. To act-as-if I’m okay with all the uproar around me.

And then the way cool thing happens. That uproar? It settles. Maybe because I Took My Time. Or maybe because, as I focused on calming my self I got a bit clearer about what to do. How to respond. Creative juices flow more readily. Or I make room for a surprising “solution.” Perhaps because I Took My Time, it gave my child the opportunity to figure things out.No matter what, something better emerges. Always. And the best thing of all?

CONNECTION. Real, meaningful, deep, lovely, joyful, heartwarming connection emerges.

What a way to live. What a way to grow. What a way to deposit into any and all of your relationships.

Today, Take Your Time. In whatever way you can. Little or big. Notice how you feel. Notice what works for you. And most especially, notice how it influences situations you are in–with your children, with others.

And thank you to this Mama. I hope she knows how much I am learning from her as she is learning from me.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Quit fighting! Go to your room!

September 18, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting 2 Comments

“No more hitting! Go to your room!”

“We have to leave, it’s late. If you aren’t going to listen to me, then there’ll be no bedtime stories when we get home!”

“No screen time. None. Zippo. Nada. Not until your room is entirely clean. Oh! And if you are going to use THAT tone with me, then there will be no playing with your buddy tomorrow!”

“There’s no way you can have the toy back. Not until you learn how to play with it nicely!”

“QUIT FIGHTING. Argh. Both of you–to time out!”

Sound familiar? Sound productive?

Usually not, unless compliance and obedience in the moment is your goal, and long-term frustration and discontent equally your goal.

Here’s the deal. When we punish we are really saying “You need to behave the “right way,” the way I want you to behave, otherwise I will lose it and won’t feel the good and in control parent I want to be!”

We tend to be more reactive because we are frustrated they aren’t doing what we want them to do. We are exerting outside control on our kids–trying to get them to do it our way–rather than helping them learn to manage themselves from the inside out. We tend to not listen. And yes, often what we are trying so hard to make them do might be of benefit to our child, the situation, but the more it is about our upset, the less they are really learning what it is we hope they will learn.

Instead they are most likely learning:

“Mom loses it when I…” (now their focus is on us, rather on themselves). “I sure know how to push Dad’s button!” “How I feel doesn’t matter, it is how mom feels that matters.” “I need others to control my behavior.” “I’m not competent…” “Dad has no confidence in me or my ideas or…” “I can’t control myself.”

Probably not the lessons you hoped for. And definitely relationship depleting and ultimately making your job so much harder, for your punishments?

They’ll need to get tougher and tougher over time, since the lesson learned is really that your child needs you in order for them to behave. Talk about exhausting…

Let’s look at a different approach–a respectful and relationship building one.

It takes more time, yet in the long run it makes your job so much easier, because your children grow themselves from the inside out, learning to manage themselves, learning to understand feelings, to collaborate and cooperate and work with you. Really!

Here are the same examples for you:

~”Hitting is never okay, it hurts. I can see you are upset. It looks like you really were annoyed when your brother surprised you.” PAUSE. Give space for your child to respond. “Can you tell him about the mad you feel?” And to the brother, “It hurt when she hit you! She really didn’t like it when you surprised her. You enjoy sneaking up and surprising her–it can be a fun game when she likes it, too.” PAUSE. “Do you two have ideas for how this game could work so both of you enjoy it?”

~”It’s time to go now. I can tell you are having a lot of fun and don’t feel ready to leave. What is one more thing you’d like to do before we get our shoes and coats on?” PAUSE. Listen. “Okay! When you are finished with your turn, we’ll head out.” Maybe your child still resists–“You really still don’t feel ready. Now we are going. Off we go to the car–!” And you pick them up, shoes in hand, and head to the car, calmly, matter-of-factly, ready to turn on the music so you have something to distract YOU as they turn their screaming volume up high…

~”When your room is picked up, you can watch your show.” THAT tone gets used. PAUSE. “It makes you mad that you have to work on your room, first. There is a lot of stuff on your floor–I bet it looks pretty overwhelming to you! Would it help if I picked up the clothes and you worked on filling your bookshelf?” PAUSE. “Looks like you aren’t ready for my help. I’ll be in the kitchen. If you change your mind, let me know.” And off you go…

~”Blocks aren’t for throwing! Let’s see how high of a tower we can build with them, instead.” “Hmmm…you still feel like throwing. I’ll put the blocks away for now and you and I can go find all the soft things in the house that we CAN throw!” “You really want the blocks back. When you’ve calmed down (and I can help you), you can try building with them again…”

~”Sounds like the two of you are having a hard time working together. I hear a lot of loud and upset voices.” PAUSE. Space for your kids to respond. “You both have ideas for how to play the game.” PAUSE. “I wonder what the two of you can work out so both ideas could be used?” And keep on pausing…

Respectful. Thoughtful. Your focus on what it is you really want your child to learn–to use their words, to control their bodies, to express their feelings appropriately and productively, to know what they CAN do to build friendships, to communicate, to grow well.

Now you’re communicating YOUR confidence in who they are becoming; that their feelings and ideas are valued; that they matter; that you respect them. Now they are more likely to respect you, as a result.

What does this require from you?

Pausing, first and foremost. Calming your own upset. Being clear on just what you want the most–including what qualities you intend to foster in your children AND what you want in the moment. Then stepping into it with the calm confidence and clarity necessary for guiding your child.

Often it isn’t very pretty. You can feel exhausted. A wreck. Embarrassed, even. Your adrenaline at times can get the best of you. I encourage you to keep focused on respectful parenting–on relationship building interactions–on the kind of adult you intend to launch into the world. And this is what you show your child as you guide them through the tumultuous times.

Show them how to PAUSE. Show them about feelings. Show them how blocks are to be used and how others’ feelings are to be respected. Show them what collaboration looks like. Show them respect by being respectful–and this includes honoring their choice to NOT listen or behave and calmly following through with the results of this.

Consequences really are just the result of your child’s choice and an opportunity to guide them a bit more towards the “end” you intend. Let go of controlling and instead show your child today. And know it is a journey, a process that deserves the respect of time.

You can do this! It initially takes extra time and energy…so be sure you are depositing into YOUR self-care account regularly–then you’ll have the patience and resilience necessary. And the best parts? Parenting gets easier and relationships can thrive. Truly. How cool is that?

A resource to help you along: “Parenting Inspired; Finding Grace in the Chaos, Confidence in Yourself, and Gentle Joy along the Way”

Here’s to respectful parenting,
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Parenting Success RECIPE!

August 24, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

A Recipe for YOUR Parenting Success

Growing a healthy, ready to learn child and a family that can thrive (from Alice’s Cookbook)

Combine:

A pinch to many cupfuls of Self-Care
Large amounts of The Three C’s (Calm, Connection, Consistency)
Multiple dollops of Being Bored and Empty Spaces
Infinite helpings of Respect Feelings
Liberal amounts of What We Focus on Grows
Daily and Generous doses of Nature (often found in those Empty Spaces)
Many scoops of Choice
Heaping cupfuls of PAUSE

Mix with care. Let marinate. Allow for a variety of blends depending on amounts of each ingredient. Simmer all through the day. Taste and adjust quantities as necessary. Consider adding other Essential Ingredients such as Light-heartedness and Sense of Humor.

Set oven to “Heartwarming.” Bake for a lifetime.

Enjoy.

Other additions welcomed to this Recipe for YOUR Success!

Our Children NEED Us

June 11, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, School and education, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

Warning–I’m stepping up on a soap box, here–and would like to make room for you to stand beside me. (If you are a parent of a baby, this absolutely pertains to you, as well…this is where it all begins and can be changed).

It is past time to get serious.

I, and many, many others (professionals and parents alike) are hearing how incredibly HARD and overwhelming and confusing all things SCREENS has become.

We are caught between “My kids are growing up in this tech world and have to learn how to live and work in it–hence, I’m going to let him have access to all things digital”…

To…

“I just don’t know what to DO. My child won’t listen, come to the table, stop playing on his device, is often testy and even angry, and I just feel LOST in how to GET HIM TO STOP”

To…

“I’m very, very frightened.”

This, from many, MANY parents of teens (12 on up) who are depressed, anxious, suicidal. Who are addicted, lost, shut out of the family, unable to connect with others, irritable at best, suicidal at worst. The numbers have gone rocketing skyward this past decade…just as our digital device and screen use has, as well. Lots of research on this one.

This is our culture and lives as we immerse ourselves ever deeper into digital devices. We have bought into what all the makers of all things digital are feeding us. That we NEED this. And yet, not only are they the ones keeping their own children away from them, they are also the ones saying they develop these in such a way to BE addicting. That way we do need them. And we spend our money, immerse ourselves deeper, and then our need becomes addiction. Many of us have felt this pull.

Many of us have gone down the rabbit hole all the way to anxiety and depression. Maybe you, reading this right now, realize you are one. I know I’ve been there.

We are losing our kids to all of this, too.

And many of our schools (even as teachers are expressing real concern and discontent over this) are buying into it fully. Screens are all the way down into Kindergarten, and many preschools as well. Families are handing their infants and toddlers their phone to play on…an iPad to sit in front of…remember that iPotty that was marketed for awhile? Scary.

Middle and High schools are wanting kids to bring in their smart phones–ostensibly for using as part of their classroom work–and yet, what do we know about this age group? Far more interested in peers…and this takes them to social media, porn, all things centered around what matters most to them–friends and sex and independence (from us).

**What is considered best practices when it comes to teaching?**

Research for decades has shown “hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship based, whole body experiences” to be. Not sitting in front of screens at length. (And yes, screen use within a rich and diverse curriculum is an entirely different story yet a seldom heard one–probably because they become the emphasis rather than just a part).

What to do?

ASK your schools HOW they know screens are the way children learn best. Find out what they’ve noticed as a result of incorporating screens. Talk to the teachers (many of whom are equally concerned and frustrated). Ask them to SHOW you the research they are basing all this on. There is plenty of research to show otherwise.

ASK yourself how YOUR use of your phone or other devices is truly helping you build connected, respectful relationships with your children. Oh heck–with your SELF.

ASK yourself just what you want the most as you think to the future with your children–what kind of family life, what kind of relationships, what kind of LEARNER do you want to send out into the world? Then think about right now. What are you doing to support just what you hope for. What MORE can you do? And how much of it is about managing your own screen time so your children can learn to manage theirs?

ASK yourself what you need for yourself that you can stand strong and clear in saying NO to your child begging for a smart phone. NO to “but everyone else is doing it, mom!” NO to distracted interactions. NO to “just one more text, post, movie, You Tube, video game…”

Our children need us.

To feel empowered to stand for what, in our gut, we know is right and good and all things growth oriented.

To go to the teachers, schools, administrators, and any one else you can and tell them NO to all things screens in your schools.

To educate yourself on just what best practices and developmentally appropriate means for each age and stage.

To stand for the kind of hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship based learning environments kids do best in.

To go to EACH OTHER and support, encourage, talk. It’s going to take a serious village to get a handle on our screen use so we CAN grow in healthy ways. We need each other.

It’s going to take a village to stand up to the makers of all things tech/digital/screen and say NO we don’t NEED this in order to live and be well. That designing things in such a way they become addicting is NEVER okay.

We have to work hard at swinging our culture towards healthy living, relating, growing, thriving. It is going to take YOU. Starting today and becoming clear and intentional about what is important for you and your family. And then being the parent and standing for it. Strongly.

No matter how your child or others react–stand strong, clear, certain in your intent to grow healthy everything in your family.

There is plenty of help for you. There are plenty of others walking your path. Join them. Be vocal. Share your own struggles. Come up with small steps towards balance with all things screens.

Want to explore more? Check out the Children’s Screen Time Network. Check out the link to their conference. Lots of info waiting for you there. Check out their resources. Amazing. Take a look at an article I wrote We Need to KNOW and Say NO

Let’s get the conversation and then the action going. Share right here, share on my Facebook page. Share your questions, concerns, what IS working.

Let’s help everyone become more aware and educated on what is happening, with the hope being all of you just starting out on your parenting journey will begin today, with your baby, to choose actions that strengthen connection, respect, healthy growth and development.

Okay. I’m stepping to the side of my soap box. Making room for YOU to stand alongside me.

Our children need us.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
www.denaliparentcoaching.com

Continue…

So much learning!

June 7, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Social Emotional Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and enjoyed…

The 11-month-old who has been shown since early on how to use “one finger touches” when touching flowers, fragile instruments, and other special things–his ability to do just this, use one finger, is a delight to see. And it can bring incredible ease to so many of their daily adventures with so much learning happening through-out.

The respectful approach by his mama and papa

to talk to him and show him just what he CAN do is paying off with a little guy easy to go through the day with. A joy!

The college-aged young woman who delighted in the connection she felt with a young man as she talked with him en-route to class. Someone she sees and talks to often…and now, as she so genuinely shared with her mom, she could “feel” and “see” the twinkling of eyes between the two of them . I’m appreciating her willingness and desire to share with her mother–to share the joy over the moment!

The barefoot 15-month-old pushing the child-sized grocery cart through the store, one little step at a time, concentrating ever so hard. I especially enjoyed how he’d pause, choose something from the shelf that his mama pointed out, and plunked it into his cart–grinning from ear to ear as his mama gently encouraged him along.

The willingness of mama to take the time to let her little guy do what is important work for a one-year-old I totally appreciated…and it certainly put a smile on my face!

The 15-month-old foster child (new to his foster family’s home) who went from chasing and grabbing the kitty’s tail and hitting her to using gentle pats–all within a few days of LOTS of patient role-modeling.

The calm, consistent, and

connected approach of the entire family paid off.

The cat? Instead of running to hide, he now purrs and rubs up next to the little guy–the trust that most of the time gentle hands will be used is obvious.

The 3 elementary-aged children trailing alongside their mother in the grocery store...all 3 engaged with the process, mom giving them things to collect and choose, conversation over what fruit to buy and how to choose the freshest vegetables. What a gift to these children! Mom’s full presence, the work shared, food buying learned about, choices and ideas respected. All in a short afternoon of grocery shopping.

So much learning…

So many eye-twinkling and delightful moments

seen as I move through my days. So many relationship building moments witnessed…

Take time today to look around and actively appreciate…notice…and look to what brings a smile to your face and a bit of joy to your day! What we focus on grows…

Here’s another “Noticed and Appreciated” for you: The Simple Pleasures

Make it great today!

Alice

Teens! Tumultuous and Terrific

May 7, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

Teens—a tumultuous and terrific time!

On the verge of adulthood and incredibly capable and competent…often much to our concern and counter to our well-earned wisdom

Teens need opportunities to:

~ Fly on their own often and take risks. Our job? To manage our own anxiety as they head out on their own with their new drivers license; to bite our tongue as they try something you KNOW won’t work out; to calm ourselves as they flippantly decide the major, end of semester project is a cinch and can be done right before class and then head out to hang with the guys instead.

~ Take increased responsibilities in many areas. Let them experience the result of leaving that end of semester project to the last minute; give them the keys to the car and errands they can run for you; support adventures that may push your window of comfort but seem to spark them—use them as opportunities to help them think through it all and take charge of themselves responsibly.

~ Discover their passions and pursue them. Put aside your own desires and wishes and regrets from your life to give them the space to find out what sparks them the most. Use these passions as opportunities to give increased responsibilities, to let them fly on their own, to give them more acceptable-to-you risks. Be curious and enjoy the surprises as you watch what excites your teen.

~ Build increasingly intimate relationships. Friendships expand to include more intimate couple relationships. Our respect for our teenʼs age and stage can help us give them the framework in which to explore their deepening relationships. Be it car dating no earlier than 16, lots of inclusion of the boyfriend with family activities, or honest talk about the responsibilities of sex, our clear expectations and calm confidence in our teen allows them to have the positive, growing experiences essential for this age.

~ Have meaningful participation with family and community. Our job? To respect the different ways participation can look—from your teen wanting to open up and share just as you head to bed, to doing activities or chores alongside us, to maintaining family time each night. Show them, by your actions, just what meaningful participation can be, from taking time to visit the elderly neighbor, to volunteering in the community, to playing Monopoly with the family.

Teens! Quite the roller coaster. Ups, downs, and times you actually can catch your breath for a moment.

They are on the verge of separating fully from us—and they need lots of opportunities to practice this in order to enter adulthood with the tools they need for success. Discover what helps you stay calm and connected throughout these years so you can be the positive resource your teen needs.

Step back and give your teen the space to develop a healthy sense of self. They are amazing!

With JOY and appreciation,

DON’T run, DON’T climb, DON’T whine…

April 15, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

DON’T run; DON’T climb on the table; DON’T touch; DON’T hit; don’t whine; don’t be late; don’t talk to me that way; don’t be so mean; don’t don’t don’t...and they keep on doing.

Frustrated? Exhausted? Worried??

Wondering when they’ll ever LEARN?

Here’s the deal–whatever we focus on we get more of, so choose with care what you say to your child. Make it what they CAN do and you will discover this is what you will get more of.

Ideas for you:

~ “When we are in the store, we use our walking (or tip-toeing or skipping or…) feet. I’m thinking I’m going to march along…how about you?” And then join in alongside...

~ “Okay! Time to be right alongside me so we can be safe as we cross the parking lot…would you like to hang on to my purse handle, my hand, or do you think you can walk right next to me all by yourself?”

~ “When you use your regular voice, I can listen to you; if you need to whine, the whining room is downstairs–when you are done, you are welcome to talk with me!” Or perhaps “I can tell you need something. When you can use your regular voice, I’ll be able to understand how to help you.”

~ “I know it hurt your feelings when your friend said those things to you. I bet it hurt hers, too, when you used unkind words right back. What do you think a friend could do to help in a situation like this?”

~ “Tables are for sitting at. I can tell you feel like climbing! You can climb on the couch if you’d like, or choose to sit on the chair at the table and I’ll get you your crayons…a snack…”

~ “The fragile glass is for our eyes only. Can you see the different colors in it? Let’s use one finger to touch carefully–just like that!” Or maybe, “…the glasses on the shelf belong on the shelf–would you like to choose one of your sippy cups and get a drink?”

~ “We use gentle hands on our kitty–pat-pat she likes that! Do you hear her purring? She’s telling you how good that feels…”

~ “Please be ready to go in 10 minutes–if you need some help getting your things together, let me know!” Or…”Be on time so we can stop at the store for the things you need!” And always–“…thank you for being ready to go.” (whether on time or not!).

~”Hitting me is never okay, it hurts–can you use your words to tell me what you are mad at?” Perhaps followed by “Here’s what you CAN hit in our house–the pillows, the couch, the balloon, the floor–which do you want to hit as hard as you can?” And then join in alongside...

~ “The things under the sink are for mommy and daddy only. You can have the things in this cupboard, if you’d like. Let’s peek inside and see what’s in there…!”

~ “The oven door stays closed when it is hot. You can turn on the oven light, if you’d like, and we can peek through the window together. Oooh! I wonder what we are going to see??”

~ “You know, I can hear you, but your tone is making it difficult for me to really listen. When you can use a respectful tone of voice, I’m ready to listen to you.” And then be ready to accept their attempt at saying things more respectfully…even when it still sounds on the snarky side of things...

What we focus on grows.

Spend more time letting your child know what he can do, what it is you do want. Now they can truly learn in a positive and productive direction with less conflict over time. So often we get into a battle trying to ‘make our child behave’ and this battle? If we paused, considered what we really wanted, then responded to our child based on that–there would be far fewer battles. Instead you’d have an opportunity to help your child learn a little bit more about themselves, about what they can and cannot do, about what is expected and what is their responsibility. Truly a win/win for all.

So choose today to focus on what your child CAN do in a situation. Even if it is to just sit next to you or hold tight to your hand as you navigate a less than child-friendly experience…no need to fill it with your anxiety via “don’ts!”

Fill it instead with your certainty that your child can do what is expected–over time, with your calm, connected guidance leading the way.

Here’s to letting your calm connection lead the way.

With JOY and appreciation,

When we are responsible for our kids we are trying to get them to think, feel, and behave a certain way usually so WE can feel better.

We are responsible TO our children.

It leads to truly being intentional with how we decide to be, to feel, to act.

Down time. Space. Unscheduled time. Screen-free time.

Play time (again, us, too).

Here’s what this kind of PAUSE can do; this kind of Unscheduled Time. Especially for our children.

So HOW do you help a child learn to PAUSE? Both kinds of pausing?

Let Unscheduled Time become Regular Time in your home.

What does this require of YOU?

In return, your child can feel respected, understood, and empowered…

And now, relationships can truly thrive!

I encourage you to try looking at the behavior that stirs up your anxiety through a lens of appreciation…

What wonderful ways to build connected, respectful, joy-filled relationships.

Home-made play-dough!

A story for you…

“Mom, you know that “responsible to and responsible for”

thing you talk about–that we aren’t responsible for how another thinks, feels, and behaves?”

What did the 21-year-old communicate by letting go of taking

responsibility for her young cousin’s experience?

What did the 21-year-old learn?

What might the young teen have learned?

Now go role-model just what you believe in. Know that your children–no matter their age–are absorbing your actions.

Just think about what could be different for us if we decided to feel like a good parent, loved, important, respected, proud NO MATTER how our kids decided to behave…

What a way to grow a respectful, self-directed, thoughtful future adult…and current teen .

PAUSE today. It is a muscle to exercise and can be used at any time…and it always makes a real and positive difference.

Teens. Tumultuous, terrific, terrifying at times.

Totally awesome overall.

NO.

It is never too late to deposit into your

relationships in relationship building ways. It is never too

late to create positive change.

Calm, consistent, CONNECTED follow-through.

What does this require from us?

What a way to help a child learn a bit more about

themselves, to grow their capable and competent selves, to feel safe even when they feel MAD. What a way to grow respectful, healthy, strong relationships.

Hurried children. Too much too soon often equals not enough.

Hurried children. It can also mean TOO much.

The results? These hurried children can seem

to do exceptionally well until all of a sudden they don’t.

And yet, more often than not when we get caught up in

hurrying our children, it really is more about us.

When we hurry, we are no longer paying

attention to what their developmental need is–we miss important things in our child’s life.

Consider this…

Take this further…

Let’s go a bit further down the developmental road…

It is essential that we think through what

we want our children exposed to.

Consider the kind of manners you’d like to grow;

the trust and respect you want to demonstrate and see in your child; the kindness and giving that is important to you.

PAUSING.

Being clear on what kind of adult we hope to grow.

Knowing just what values and qualities are most important to us. Growing our ability to be patient and calm no matter how our kids are behaving. Being consistent with our follow-through–ridiculously consistent as often as possible.

Calm.

This ROCKS a child’s world.

It becomes relationship building.

They NEED the fight. The tantrum. The test-test-testing.

And it is absolutely essential that we (more often than not, since really, this is all about tipping the balance rather

than being perfect…) pass their test.

Our children need to KNOW, without a doubt,

that they can count on us to keep it together even

(and most especially) when they cannot.

There is little room for them to feel capable and competent as they can (and need to) when they have the opportunity to choose, discover and experience the result of their choice, and learn a bit more about managing themselves.

PAUSE.

What does “respect their choice” look like? I believe:

Now what can be learned?

That they are responsible for the choice they make and the results that follow.

PAUSE today.

Give your child the

gift of choice and your calm, consistent follow-through. Give them–and you–the gift that growing and learning

always can be.

“How we handle stress and conflict is

where relationships are born”

Relationships are easy when things are all rosy. The real test is when it goes south…and here is where we have a choice.

Our choice as things go south? PAUSE….

Relationships are born and grown in the midst of stress and conflict. Grow yours in the direction you want the most–towards trust, caring, confidence, compassion, respect.

How would it feel to be confident your child can choose

appropriate behavior as necessary? That you can count on them to manage themselves well? That they can hear your words the first time and they ARE effective?

PAUSE. Always, always PAUSE. It really does come first and is

the foundation for all of this.

When we are responsible for our kids we are
trying to get them to think, feel, and behave a certain way usually so WE can feel better.

It leads to truly being intentional with how we
decide to be, to feel, to act.

**So HOW do you help a child learn to PAUSE? Both kinds of pausing?**

**Hurried children. It can also mean TOO much.**