Just Ask Alice

The Universe is banging down our door.

Because my work, life, and passion is helping parents grow healthy, connected relationships with their children and for families to thrive, I feel it is time I spoke out about the tragedies that are occurring with increasing frequency.

Horrific, tragic mass shootings have become more and more frequent. Familiar, even. And when things become familiar, there is a sense of normalcy about them.

These tragedies? There should NEVER

be anything normal or familiar about them.

And as they’ve become more frequent, it seems to me the Universe is knocking hard and repeatedly, asking us to create real, positive CHANGE. If we continue to ignore it now, what will it take for us to make a difference in the future? This I worry about.

Here’s what I understand through my personal life, and my professional experience as a Parent Coach. All through life we are presented with challenges. As we embrace challenges, take time to think about them, learn to do things differently, we grow and the challenges fade or evolve into something healthy. When we ignore challenges, hope they’ll go away while we keep on doing just what we’ve always done, what often happens is it comes back at us bigger and stronger. Until we either decide to do some growing or we “die”—wither a bit at the least, literally at the worst.

Liken this to parenting, if you will. You have a Testy Toddler. You work at understanding how to give choices, boundaries, be calm and consistent. Their testing subsides; they learn to manage themselves a bit more. They grow and learn, as do you. Then they become a preschooler. And if you have a three or four-year-old, you may understand this fully—they make an exponential leap in growth and as a result, what you thought of as hard with your toddler is now overwhelming.

At first you dig in your heels and do as you did with them as a 2-year-old. It no longer works. They ramp it up. Finally, hopefully, you figure it out—they need more choices, more freedom to be their independent selves, and a bit different boundaries. You grow, they settle and you move on until the next major developmental stage.

If you don’t, relationships go south rapidly. If you continue to fight them, it just gets harder and harder through the years. Then you have a teen and you realize something has to change—and now the steps you need to take? They become much more drastic and harder to implement. Yet they are essential in order to support the healthy growth of your teen, so you learn, act, work on yourself, and grow. And your relationship begins to feel better, your teen turns into a twenty-something who does see you as a resource; respects and trust you. It took a tremendous and often painful effort and you did it.

It seems to me the Universe, years ago and in regards to these horrific events, asked us to PAUSE and consider what we can do to ensure our children CAN grow into adulthood, be healthy and safe; to have connected communities for all to live and thrive in.

We, seemingly due to politics, blame, passion over what our individual rights are, refused to change.

Now the Universe is knocking us HARD.

Banging down our door, so to speak.

Taking steps to create real and positive change now becomes much, much harder. Similar to our preschooler or teen, as we’ve ignored the challenges and the change required, things have really ramped up between political parties, individuals, and communities. Reactivity is the name of the game. Change now will have to be BIG. More drastic. Harder. Definitely uncomfortable. Change now requires letting go of things we’ve felt were our right, or assumed were how things should be, and choose otherwise. That leaves us feeling like our rights are challenged and could be compromised.

If my words push a button in you, then I ask you to recognize that as a “red flag” to PAUSE. For all of us to pause. To calm ourselves down. To ask ourselves why we feel upset, reactive, anxious. To consider what we really want and how that looks in real life, for our children, for our communities.

This is where I want all of us to consider

just what we hope for and value the most for our children and future grandchildren; for our families and communities.

I’m hoping what we want and value is really very similar from family to family. Safety. Health. Well-being. A child who gets to live into their adulthood, being productive, purposeful, kind, respectful, trusting, honest. Future adults who live in a thriving community filled with caring and hard-working people, living life fully.

As we look through this lens, I’d like us to consider two areas I feel are imperative for change:

• What can we do for greater and necessary gun safety?
• What can we do to lessen the negative impact from violent video games and other digital technology full of violent imagery?

I know it is a myriad of things culminating in these tragic events. Families struggling, mental health, digital devices and all they involve, undue pressures to succeed for our children, social media intermingling with developmental stages that just can’t handle it, a culture that seems to allow and accept divisive words and actions.

I am grateful for the work by so many already supporting and empowering parents and children; helping those with mental health issues; speaking out about healthy screen technology; educating about what children need the most to grow optimally; encouraging all of us to think about our use and the role of weapons in our lives. I know we need to and hopefully will keep moving forward with all of these efforts, for they are creating positive change for families.

More can—needs to—be done. We have reached a

level of violence that is beyond comprehension.

One way I feel is imperative to create real change is by taking charge of what our children view—and in my mind this involves our children no longer being exposed to violent video imagery as they “play” their “games.” This includes demanding the makers of video games to step up and take responsibility for their part in unhealthy screen technology.

Two excellent clips to watch in regards to this:

Why Children are Killing Children in Modern Society

Barney vs. Power Rangers

Perhaps taking REAL steps from the outside-in will give us the pause necessary to strengthen all of us from the inside-out. Let’s continue demanding healthier screen technology; educate ourselves about the powerful impact technology can have and make choices as parents that protect our children from being so negatively influenced by what they view and play on screens; lessen the likelihood of mental illness as a result of the anxiety, depression and isolation that emerges from unhealthy childhoods, unhealthy digital lives.

Perhaps strive to be rid of all violent digital technology.

Help in regards to all of this can be found through the Children’s Screen Time Action Network.

Along with violent video imagery, I’m

deeply concerned about an area that seems to cause an

extraordinary amount of reactivity and divisiveness—our

use and availability of GUNS.

I realize this subject can anger many people. Knowing how powerful words are for creating our reality, I’d like to start by letting go of “gun control”, words that raise hackles and create endless conflict with no change in sight, to gun SAFETY.

Then let’s have conversations—uncomfortable, perhaps—with those whose views differ from ours. Share stories about what we know and understand, how things look in our individual experiences. Listen. Then talk honestly about the common goal of safe, healthy communities and children, and take action towards what CAN be done.

Consider supporting barring sales to those with mental illness, background checks for private sales, banning high capacity magazines.

Speak FOR passing laws that make it harder for those with ill intent to gain access to weapons.

Stand up for responsible gun ownership, gun safety training and knowledge, saving our children and ensuring their healthier future.

As my friend said, “Let’s start with changing the language around the discussion—gun safety, sensible gun ownership, responsibly armed. Perhaps this will help us all to listen better to one another and take the action necessary for our children’s healthy future. Change the language, change the attitudes, change the laws and help save lives.”

Let’s work together. It is past time. I implore each and every one of us to stop pointing fingers and assigning blame to others—whether it is our tech world, the NRA, parents, etc. Instead, let’s each take responsibility for our own part in this, and be willing to do it differently—no matter if we think we are influencing this violence or not. Let’s point only to the lens of allowing our children to grow into a healthy, safe, thriving adult-hoods and be part of productive, respectful, connected communities supporting all members’ health and well-being.

Stand up, speak out, and take real and positive

action steps today in your family, in your community, in

your profession for greater gun safety and

healthy screen technology.

Let’s answer the Universe by taking responsibility and action. All of us, for we are in it together. I believe it really can help create the change we desperately need.

Together we can help our children live into a healthy adulthood and our communities thrive. An excellent You Tube on what I see as the “inside-out” approach, based on relationships and connection is “How To Prevent School Shootings.”A few articles of interest regarding digital device use include “We Need to KNOW and Say NO” and “Our Children, Our Technology.”

Thank you.

Respectively and with HOPE,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2019 Alice Hanscam