Tag: caring and compassionate

All Your Kids Are Sick…

May 19, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Self-care, Self-help Comment

All the kids are sick. Goopy noses, coughing, crying, can’t sleep, neither can you. You have guests landing at your house soon, are trying to work around what initially seemed like a small remodel of the kitchen, the dog got into the garbage AGAIN, there is no peeling the cling-ons your kids have become off your legs AND you feel exhausted. Overwhelmed. Running on empty. Chaos, yuck, craziness rules the roost. Oh–and remember, you HAVE to go to work, the grocery store, the doctor’s office–probably more than once.

You are feeling awful. Exhausted and overwhelmed. Guilty for letting your kids just do whatever because it is all you can do to manage everyone’s illness and ‘regular’ life. Cereal and treats and videos and sleeping with you and, well, getting whatever they want so your sanity can prevail. Maybe.

And the last thing you want to hear from me is that you really CAN feel steady in all this chaos. Eye-rolls please. It’s okay.

Stay with me, here.

Start by taking a deep, long, breath. Even while you have octopus legs and arms wrapped around you and snotty noses rubbing themselves across your knees.

Let that breath be your much needed PAUSE.

And let me appreciate YOU for a moment, because I know how impossible it is to see through all of this yuck to what really can help you feel a bit steadier, calmer, okay no matter what is swirling around you.

Let me appreciate…

…your resilience. You are still in the game despite (or because of) all this chaos. You don’t feel this resilience I see, yet let me be clear–you have it and are using it. That is WHY you are still in the game.

…your deep care and compassion you have for your kids even as they wipe their noses on you, add 50 pounds of weight to your legs, cry constantly, keep you awake tossing and turning, fight and melt down. It is because of the deep care you have that you are still in the game. Even if “in the game” means hiding under your covers for a while as your kids are plunked in front of a movie.

…how you let go of what seemed like “have tos.” Your ability to let go of a well rounded meal, getting to work on time or at all, having a clean(er) house, your promise to never over-do screen time, getting a real night’s sleep.

This letting go? Yes, it is due to you feeling like you have NO control over any of it, yet I “see” someone who is clear on what needs to be the reality for right now. Someone who, by letting go, has been able to go with the flow a tad more, answer their children’s needs in the moment, stay present to the here and now. All things to appreciate. All things absolutely necessary to moving through the chaos well–in time.

…that retreat into the bathroom with doors locked. Just for a few minutes for the much needed RELIEF you need. You may see it as a retreat, as “I can’t handle this!” I will re-frame it as an essential Self-Care Deposit. A PAUSE that has you more likely stepping out after a few moments with just a tad more patience, resilience, maybe even a creative idea for what can happen next.

…YOUR feelings. All of them. Your guilt, your anxiety, your upset. Let me appreciate these, for I know it is hard for you to do so. We so often feel we are supposed to NOT feel this way. That it means we are, somehow, less of a good parent for being mad, guilty, anxiety ridden. Let me appreciate for you, right now, the whole and wonderful being you are that feeling all these feelings represents. Whole and wonderful.

…your humor! Sarcastic or not, that laugh you had as everything and one melted down around you? It is a gift and a strength. Use it. See it. Find it. A little humor can go a l-o-n-g way when everything else is a mess.

Okay. So you STILL are a wreck and so are your kids. But tell me, how does it feel to be appreciated despite (or because of) all this chaos? Can you really own this appreciation or are you still rolling your eyes at me? No matter, I don’t mind.

I will keep putting these appreciations out to you, for what we focus on grows. Maybe later, after everything settles for real, you will find yourself reflecting on my words. Or maybe you feel a bit relieved right now to know that things really are working in the midst of all the yuck. Either way, I appreciate your work to parent as well as you can through the hard.

And I hope you might feel steadier. Calmer. Stronger–-at least a bit. Or just steadier. We can leave it at that. Because what a difference that can make as life swirls around you–to feel steady in the midst of it all. Or steadier for the next round of chaos. What a way to help a child settle more quickly, a Big Upset to be valued and appreciated. What a way to let a little light-hearted-ness step in and step up.

Find Alice’s books here!

So today, I appreciate you. Know this, so you don’t have to work at it yourself. Just move through today and all the challenges thrown your way KNOWING you are appreciated.

That’s all.

Take care,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

 

 

That Scary Vacuum Cleaner

April 29, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

To be allowed to finish your cry…

How essential for all things relationship-building. Something I wrote earlier after being inspired by Teacher Tom‘s article. Go check that out right here. There’s a story to share, to give more attention to, hence creating an article just for it.
A Mama. A vacuum cleaner. A young toddler. And BIG feelings.

There’s a Mama I know whose 16-month-old toddler was VERY upset recently over the vacuum cleaner and its LOUD noise. You know, all those times you work at getting the house a bit cleaner, swiping the dust cloth here, collecting the toys there, washing dishes and bathrooms and yourself whenever you get a moment? Well…up until recently vacuum cleaning was nary an issue with her little one and could be (more or less) easily done at any time…until now.

Mama responded immediately to her little guy’s upset, turned off the vacuum and went quickly to him, intent on gathering him up in her arms to help him settle. Mama was devastated when, instead of burying himself into her body to sob and calm, he pushed her away as she tried to comfort him. Despite Mama feeling devastated that she couldn’t immediately comfort him, she paused.

She sat herself down across the room from him and waited respectfully for him to finish his cry.

 

As she waited, with tears streaming down her face (oh how our heartstrings are tugged!), she found her self quietly talking to him as he hunkered down in a corner of the room away from her. She named his feelings, affirmed his upset, and eventually–maybe for her own comfort, as well–started to sing.

Her little guy? Her singing reached him. He paused a bit in his Great Big Cry…then up he rose from his corner, and toddling as fast as his little feet could carry him he crossed the floor to fling himself into her arms and finish his cry.  Mama gratefully comforted her son and, as she held him snuggled in her arms, she realized what a gift she had just given him.

Her gift? An opportunity for him to FEEL, to discover that he, on his own and by his own choice, could manage his big upset, that he could count on mama to keep herself calm even though he couldn’t, and connected–even from a distance.  What a way to feel safe and secure. What a way to communicate respect for how he felt and how he chose to manage himself.

What a way to soundly deposit into a close, caring, respectful relationship. So much learned by both Mama and her young toddler! And this Mama? She just grew a bit stronger herself, as she managed her own upset in relationship-building ways.

What an important story. What a way to allow both involved to finish their cry. What a way to say, “I have confidence in you. I respect you.”

When we can grow ourselves in such a way that we can sit quietly and respectfully in another’s discomfort it becomes a real gift for all. Today, when your heart is tugged hugely over your child’s Great Big Cry?PAUSE. Give your child the choice in how to be comforted, in what they feel they need. Give them the respect of your understanding company no matter the tears streaming down your face. Let your pause create the pause they need to gather themselves and feel the connection with you that has them learning, growing, thriving.

Find Alice’s books here!

Then go take care of YOU so you can “finish your cry” as well.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2019 Alice Hanscam

A Helping Hand

January 15, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

What would be different if…

…when your child totally LOSES it in the grocery store you felt eyes of support and encouragement–and maybe an extra hand or two?

…when you find yourself getting caught up in all the what ifs and fears and oh-my-gosh-the-worst-thing-in-the-world-is-going-to-happen there was someone who reached out and said, “Yup. Me, too. I do that, too.”

…when you try over and over again to get your partner or child’s teacher or another to REALLY understand what you are trying to communicate you heard them say, “I hear you. Let me think on that a bit and get back to you…”

…when your child’s behavior has you over the top worried and you’ve tried everything and you feel at a total loss and you are a mess of a Mama, you had someone reach out and wrap you in their arms and say, “Here. Cry. It’s okay.”

What could be different? NOW how might you be feeling?

I believe you’d feel understood. Cared for. Appreciated. Maybe even without anything “fixed”–you know, tantrum still happening, anxiety still overwhelming–you’d feel relieved, a bit more confident and able to face whatever chaos you are in from a more grounded and steady place.

Maybe you’d feel like you’ve got company along this journey that you can really count on.

Maybe you’d feel clearer about what it is that needs to happen; able to let go and trust a bit more; or just relieved. Maybe that’s all, just relieved. What a difference that can make, for relief bring relaxing. Relaxing opens you up and allows you to feel more receptive. And NOW real help can enter in.

What a difference that could make. It really does take a village to raise a child AND a parent . It really does. And we are all in it together. After hearing today of a story of a mom, with divided attention at a park and both kids needing her help–and the lack of others willing to step up and give a helpful hand, I thought about this.

I also heard from another what a difference my writing has made for them as they head out into public and notice the hard work of parenting going on. They have found themselves being more receptive and curious rather than judgemental and critical as they watch difficult parent and child interactions. What a difference this makes–for now we feel a part of a community working together to parent and live well.

So today…pause. Find something to appreciate instead of criticize. Offer a helping hand. Reach out to a parent struggling and let them know they are doing the hard work of parenting and you get it. Allow feelings. Oh yes, please, allow feelings. They are to be valued. Your feelings included. Pause…appreciate…and walk alongside another without trying to fix, change, judge. Just be there.

Find Alice’s books here!

Pretty amazing, what can happen. And you know, for you’ve felt it before–those times of acceptance and understanding; those times where you felt comforted by the company of another. Talk about feeling lifted, encouraged, even empowered! What a difference we can all make as we keep our attention on appreciation.

With appreciation for each of you,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach

©2017 Alice Hanscam

HARD Can Become Relationship Building

August 16, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and enjoyed:

~ The VERY sad 5-year-old boy trudging alongside his mom, heading out of the grocery store. “I wanted it! Why can’t I have it? I want it…” with alligator tears pouring down his face. Appreciated? How mom walked alongside her son, acknowledging his disappointment, staying matter-of-fact and calm. And he kept beside her, trudging and crying. Half way across the parking lot she looked at him and said, “Know what? Let’s race to the car!” His eyes widened, his tears stopped, and off they ran–“I win, I win!!!!”

She allowed him to be disappointed with her calm and understanding company, and stayed tuned in, finding just the right time to offer up something else to focus on. And it worked. What could have been HARD and even miserable, became relationship-building.

~ The teen-age baby sitter who sat alongside her 4-year-old buddy on the sidewalk following a nasty fall from his bike. Bloody knee, HUGE tears, feeling mad and sad and frustrated all at once. And the teen sat with him, calmly, compassionately, and waited. No matter that they were out in public. No matter that they had people glancing over their shoulders at the pair hunkered down on the sidewalk. She just let him cry. And then, being a tuned in teen, she found the opening, “Can you pedal your bike with one leg or do you want me to carry the bike?”

“I can do it!” And off they began…adjusting just how it needed to look. Once home, off to the band-aid drawer and the lengthy repair work…followed by play with a toy-doctor kit, stuffed guys who needed shots and band-aids…and all was well. What a way to communicate confidence in this little guy’s ability to manage his own feelings and experience. What a way to say, “You can count on me. We will be okay.”  The HARD of BIG feelings, when time is taken, can become a deposit into a wonderfully connected and respectful relationship 🙂

~ The daddy who agreeably chased his toddler through the aisles of Office Max while mommy got the shopping done (teamwork!). His little girl took off, looking over her shoulder, “Get me, daddy, get me!” And off he’d go trotting behind her–“I’m gonna get you!” Squeals of delight as he’d catch up and give her a quick snuggle hug, then off she’d go down the next aisle, “Catch me, daddy!”, looking over her shoulder to be sure he was coming. It was quiet in the store, the aisles were empty, mom got the shopping done, and daddy and his little girl had a glorious time together.

 

I appreciated how he respected her need to put distance between them as well as respected her need to have him close. Such a tug-of-war at times as our toddlers need chances to separate–within the safety of our nearness. Put a smile on my face! And just think–what could have been HARD as you navigate stores with toddlers, became an opportunity to connect in a positive just-right-for-toddler-way…making future store visits just a bit easier 🙂

Lovely moments. Relationship building moments.

Moments that say, “I care, I know you can do it, I have confidence in you, your feelings are okay, you’re safe, you can count on me, you are a competent and capable person.”

Find Alice’s books here!

Find a moment today with your child and just be. Connect, listen, deposit into your relationship. It really is simple.

And make it a relationship-building week!
Enjoy,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach
©2016 Alice Hanscam

Say You’re Sorry!

May 24, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional 4 Comments

“Say you’re sorry!” “Go apologize and MEAN it.” “You don’t sound like you’re sorry to me!” “She won’t want to be your friend anymore if you don’t apologize right now…”

 

Sound familiar? This is a hot topic for many–we want our kids to have good manners, to truly feel and show compassion for another, to want to apologize from a heartfelt, authentic place.

Yet when we tell them “Say you’re sorry!” what are we really communicating? I think:

~I need you to apologize so I can feel better about what just happened…

~This is how we fix problems…

~I need you to do what I say so I can feel I’m a good parent…

~You need me to tell you how to feel and behave…

~I’m in control of you…(bigger and stronger wins)

~Integrity is secondary to apologies–what you do doesn’t have to be aligned with how you feel or think…just do it anyway.

Whew. Maybe not the message we really want to give. Yes, manners are important and apologies necessary.

Encouraging the growth of this from within–a genuine desire to (re)connect and show compassion, being in our integrity–is essential for healthy relationships.

 

Think about it. How might YOU feel if, after being hurt deeply by a friend they brushed you off with a cursory “I’m sorry…” or after a tearful yelling match with your teen that left you feeling raw, your spouse said, “How could you lose it like that?! You need to go apologize to him!”

I’d venture to say you might feel more hurt, maybe misunderstood and alone, or even mad.

Often situations our children are in that we catch ourselves telling them to go apologize are defined by just the same kinds of feelings. Hurt whether they are the one doing the hurting or being hurt; frustrated and mad their favorite toy was grabbed, a cool idea rejected, some other injustice experienced; misunderstood because their feelings and thoughts weren’t respected, because the adult missed all that led up to the conflict, because they weren’t listened to; alone because they are misunderstood, not listened to, hurt on the inside, feeling rejected; MAD because they really didn’t like what their buddy did and their feelings overflowed…

Having your child say “I’m sorry” is going to do very little for a child to grow an understanding of how they feel, why they feel, what they can do with all these feelings–all precursors to compassion. The words I’m sorry” are more often about our need, not our child’s.

So what CAN you do to grow the genuine, integrity based, heartfelt ability to apologize?

 

~Role model, always. Be genuine with your own apologies. Voice compassion for your child, others, and their situation.

~Name and affirm feelings of all parties involved. Just think, if your spouse, following the tearful yelling match with your teen, had said “Honey that was really tough. Let me hold you for a minute while you pull yourself together” how might you now feel? How might that change the next step you took? I bet you’d feel connected, understood, cared for–and in a better position to now re-connect with your son and apologize for losing it. And it would have come from a genuine place within you.

~Give choices/ideas: “What can you do to help him feel better?” “When you are ready to let her know you feel sorry, she’ll appreciate it.” “Can you use your words or would you like to show her you feel sorry?” Words, smiles, pats, sharing a toy, playing next to–these are all authentic ways kids can show they are sorry.

~Notice what your child chooses/does on their own to express their apology/their feelings and name it: “Thank you for offering your special stuffed guy to your friend. You wanted to help him feel better. What a nice thing to do to let him know you felt sorry.” Or, “I can tell you are letting him know you feel sorry for hurting his feelings…” Now they learn that their gesture is welcomed and affirmed, leading to–in time–using their words as well as their actions in authentic ways.

And now you are helping your child learn a bit more about what healthy, caring relationships look like.

 

Find Alice’s books here!

Genuine apologies are on their way. It takes time to grow a child who can tap into their inner selves and respond with compassion and honesty in a difficult situation. Time, patience, and gentle guidance…trust this. “I’m sorry” will follow…and be truly meant.

Relationship building all around…

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

The Kindness of Strangers

March 8, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, School and education, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

In light of all the upfront and center news that can drag us down and leave us wondering what is happening to humanity, I’d like to share something small and meaningful (and yes, sad) that I witnessed recently...and because I firmly believe what we focus on grows, I encourage each of you to share (here or elsewhere!) things that have left you feeling equally filled and lifted.

Things filled with the kind, caring, joyful, compassionate humanity that surrounds us every single day.

Here’s my story…

A busy street.

A small, small dog. Obviously no longer alive. In the middle of this busy street.

Many a car swerving around this little guy. Mine included–and since my destination was less than a block away, by the time I got out of my car I was torn and heartbroken. Someone’s lovely little pup was gone.  

I stepped into the store and asked if someone could join me to backtrack and hopefully scoop the little body up and at the very least set it to the side of the road…respectfully, carefully. And maybe, who knows, there’ll be a collar on this pup.

A clerk grabbed a small blanket and off we went.

And here is what completely touched both me and the clerk so very, very deeply.

By the time we returned–only minutes following my passing this little dog, cars were stopped in the street–both directions and on the nearby intersection, as well–and people from two other cars were out gently tending to this little guy.

And each and every car in line–both directions on this busy street–had their hazard lights on and blinking. Taking real care that anyone approaching from either direction would slow and stop as well. And they did. With lights on and blinking.

The clerk and I slowed, watched, and felt that moment of respect and gratefulness for all who paused to quietly wait and perhaps even grieve a bit. It felt like the moment of silence we give those who’ve passed at special ceremonies. Maybe someone in one of those cars was anxious to move on, who knows. But with hazard lights on, it felt more like a community pulling together for a brief moment to support others in their sadness.

We both found ourselves crying–for the little moment of PAUSE everyone on their busy way gave; for the sadness a family was sure to be immersed in; for the little dog who, probably out of joy for a bit of freedom, had run right out into this street; for the compassion shared.

Really, it was a beautiful moment. One filled with compassion, connection, even a quiet joy in the midst of very real pain.

These little moments? They count. And they can

make our world better.

I feel grateful I witnessed it.

Find Alice’s books here!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2018 Alice Hanscam

Defensiveness

February 4, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

You know when you feel defensive? I do. I know when I feel  hot and aggravated and find myself forcefully and repeatedly “defending” whatever it is I think is right or how things should be. Sometimes it feels like a last-ditch effort, this defensiveness. Sometimes it feels like, if I don’t convince the other person involved that I am RIGHT, everything is going to fall apart. Or at least I’ll fall apart. Or spend the day stewing and trying to figure out HOW to convince them. Talk about relationship-depleting. 

And then I think about when my teen was being defensive. Or my adult children now. Or my spouse. When they get defensive, I get my button pushed, too. I resist just as much as they are resisting. Not very productive. Definitely depleting. Ever felt this way? I’m certain many of you have.

What if you looked at this reactive and negative experience a bit differently; saw it through another lens?

What if, when you felt defensive, you realized you were protecting something important and vulnerable within you?

When your child or partner gets defensive, you recognize they are just protecting something important and vulnerable within them?

Here’s what I notice. When I PAUSE as that button gets pushed in me, and reframe defensiveness as protection of important and vulnerable things, I begin to get curious. What is important to me; what is the vulnerable part of me I need to recognize? Because when I think of vulnerable, I find myself gentling. Softening. Feeling more caring and compassionate.

When I feel defensive, am I actually feeling embarrassed? Sometimes. Feeling that I’m RIGHT…and if so, then why would being WRONG be upsetting to me? Probably because I’d feel less strong. Less self-assured. More self conscious and perhaps a failure. Ahhh…so that is what I’m protecting within me–my self-image and self-worth. I can do something about that. I can feel strong and confident and open and accepting. As I realize what I’m protecting, I can be kind to myself and my feelings. What a difference that can make.

Now instead of getting my button pushed when another gets defensive, I can see beyond that…to what they might be protecting and caring for within themselves. Their uncomfortable feelings. Compassion can more likely lead the way. Or if not compassion, then curiosity, first, which can lead to asking questions. And as we ask questions, we hear more of another’s story. As we hear their story, we find ourselves understanding and perhaps even relating to it, which leads the way to accepting and empathizing. Defensiveness goes by the wayside. THIS is how relationships are built in meaningful and positive ways.

Today, as you face defensive feelings–yours or another’s–consider pausing, first and foremost. Then adjust the lens through which you are seeing whatever the issue is. Look at it through “I’m/they are protecting something important and vulnerable to me/them.” Notice how that feels. And then move forward from there and see what is different, what unfolds. I believe it’ll feel a bit raw at first…and then this amazing connection will emerge–a connection with yourself and the other that leaves both of you feeling more affirmed, heard, understood.

Find PAUSE and all of Alice’s books here!

We can turn defensiveness around from relationship-depleting to relationship-building, all by the lens through which we view it.

How cool is that?

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2021 Alice Hanscam

With Gratitude

November 16, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Social Emotional Comment

Thanksgiving. Gratefulness. They go together, don’t they?

And yet gratefulness can so often be defined by loss and sadness. Perhaps that is why we feel the grateful well up inside us…

I’m thinking of any and all loss due to storms, fires, tragic events. I’m thinking Mister Rogers, almost daily right now as fires rage in areas not far from many I know and love. Because Mister Rogers? He spoke always of looking for the helpers. 

And it is in looking for the helpers that our deeply felt gratefulness arises. For it is the helpers who take what has been total loss, overwhelming grief, you name it, and given all of it a safe place to be felt, processed, managed, and–hopefully and in time–moved through.

It is looking for and finding all those who, no matter the tragedy and loss surrounding them, are rolling up their sleeves, reaching out, helping. Maybe through seemingly little things such as providing shelter for someone’s pets as they scramble to also find housing for their family…

Maybe by providing dry socks and underwear. Or a solid meal. Water. A hug. Maybe they are making the calls the ones hit by tragedy are unable to.

Perhaps those helpers are the ones physically present to the broken-hearted and overwhelmed and are ***just*** listening. Being there. Walking alongside. Encouraging when possible. Keeping company for sure.

Perhaps it is those willing to go back “in” to where things happened and find personal items for those who can’t. Or dig up all the extra blankets and books and clothing needed and making sure they get handed out to those who need them the most.

Definitely the helpers are the front-liners–firefighters, medical professionals, police, EMTs, search and rescue folks, the Red Cross…oh so many.

Looking for and BEING a helper

fills us with the relief, gratitude, compassion that makes a real and positive and meaningful difference to all.

 

This Thanksgiving? Every day? I am grateful to each and every one of you who are reaching out to help anyone in your life or community who is in need. We really can make a real difference in our world by doing just this. Little ways. Big ways. No matter. Just DOING.

Make your Thanksgiving full of gratitude. Maybe defined by loss and sadness, maybe one full of joy. Maybe both. What we focus on grows and GRATITUDE is powerful.

Find Alice’s books here!

May you each have time with those you love in the next few days…

With gratitude,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2018 Alice Hanscam

Mister Rogers. A Champion for All.

September 24, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Social Emotional Comment

I am incredibly moved. Tears in my eyes kind of moved. I share this again because I saw this documentary again. And again, I was incredibly moved.   https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=3&v=FhwktRDG_aQ

Mister Rogers–a champion of all things children

is becoming a champion for all. 

 

He was, always has been, and continues to be a hero of mine, a hero of many of yours, a definite hero of children.  I have turned to him over the years to be reminded of, encouraged and inspired by his quiet, calm reassurance. I have always seen him as a person to aspire to. He is a man of integrity. He spoke and lived with the respectful presence and quiet certainty that has, can, and will hopefully continue to change our world in powerful ways.

I know for some, his slower way of speaking is difficult to listen to. We make jokes about it, we feel a tad uncomfortable at times, we stop listening as a result.

If you haven’t seen when he spoke at a Senate hearing:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9uIJ-o2yqQ

…then I encourage you to do so.

It speaks (yes, slowly) VOLUMES of how, when we PAUSE and really, truly listen, we can change the world. Mister Rogers did at this Senate hearing; he does still, years after his passing. Despite many of us being uncomfortable with his way of being.

Mister Rogers was a pro when it came to feelings–and being comfortable in all feelings–yours, mine, his. Hence, despite many adults feeling odd around his slow, measured self–he has made the kind of positive impact that is expanding in infinite ways.

He can be a lesson in patience. He can be the role-model for the kind of authenticity we need more of. He can show all of us what can be deeply meaningful and important for any and all relationships. We can chuckle about it. We can look the other way. And yet, Mister Rogers? He stays steady and certain in all that is Right and Good for children. For us.

I am grateful he is, long after his passing, becoming a shining example of the love, light, and goodness so essential for living well.

 

“…each child, if you truly listen to him or her, is a universe of thought and feeling and what we owe every one of them is to hear who, exactly, they are. That’s how you build a sane society.” (Mister Rogers)

“He is needed because of his quiet calm reassurance, love and how he helps you manage your feelings–even hard ones like anger, fear, and grief.” (Reviewer)

“…if we make feelings mentionable and manageable…(a child can have) the good feeling of control…” (Mister Rogers)

“.. .it’s an invitation for somebody to be close to you. The greatest thing we can do is to help somebody know they are loved and capable of loving.” (Mister Rogers)

“…it is essential for us to make ‘goodness’ a foundation.”
(Mister Rogers)

Thank you, Mister Rogers, for continuing to radiate the love, light, compassion, and genuine care we all need more of. May we all be lifted so we can lift others along our way.

For that is what this really is all about–growing

ourselves in such a way we can be the one to lift another in times of need; to be the one receptive to another’s care and compassion so we can be lifted.

Find Alice’s books here!

You know, it really does take a village of caring neighbors.

Won’t you be my neighbor?

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
www.justaskalice.org
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Let PAUSE Empower You

May 2, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Self-care Comment

I could tell you that we are bigger and greater than the world crisis we face and the struggles–emotional and physical–we each are immersed in.

I could tell you that if you *just* trust, all will be okay.   

I could tell you, over and over again, that EVERY single challenge is filled with opportunity and gifts. That all you have to do is look to what you can appreciate, to how you want to be no matter what the world (or your kids) throw at you, to keep your site fixed on what you want the most.

I could fill this post with platitudes. Yet you’ve heard them all before. And they are tiresome.

I think, even if I feel strongly about the times we are in and the gifts and opportunities and, yes, hope that it is filled with, everything I’d say could go right on by you; or you’d roll your eyes, or perhaps even get mad. These things just don’t feel helpful in the moment.

Because perhaps you ARE struggling. Scared. Hurting and frustrated and overwhelmed and stressed.

Maybe you manage it well–keeping those upsetting feelings aside or buried so your kids or other loved ones see you as strong.

Maybe you don’t manage it well and your world is collapsing around you.

Maybe you are dealing with a profound loss–a loved one, a job, a home. School!

Maybe you just can’t think about anything other than the next moment and getting through it while still standing.

I get it. I, too, find myself struggling–emotionally, mostly. I can get caught up in the “what if’s” of loss of a loved one. Of not being able to say good bye. Of having finances crash around me. Of never hugging one of my daughters again.

And I get tired, too. Of the new protocol we’ve adopted for cleaning–groceries, mail, ourselves, you name it. Of hearing about children’s struggles with on-line learning and the loss of friends and other milestones we’ve taken for granted; parent’s struggles with maintaining sanity through it all.

Here’s what I DO know. And I truly hope this doesn’t sound like those tiresome platitudes.

I know that we ARE far greater than the challenges we face. We are. You can feel it in the seemingly infinite number of You Tube videos, letters, posts, community efforts that are filled with support, encouragement, light-heartedness…with CONNECTION.

You can feel it in the continual and persistent presence of JOY that can fill us, ever so briefly at times, as we listen to these videos, read these letters, posts, or participate or be the recipient of community efforts. Joy that perhaps is expressed through those tears streaming down your face.

You sense it via the gratitude and hope that expand within you, no matter how short-lived, as you hear of the medical providers, scientists, and other Good Samaritans–all over our world–who are risking themselves, for us. Who speak to the progress, the support, the good and kind and possibilities and solutions. Who are working hard, for us.

And you can strengthen this expansive feeling within you. You can feel this gratitude, hope, lightness, even JOY more and more because you are far greater than the challenges you face.

How?

In many ways. In oh so many ways. For me, it always comes down to PAUSE, for this is what I feel empowers. It looks in many different ways…

…prayer can be a PAUSE that empowers
…meditation can be a PAUSE that empowers
…quiet can be a PAUSE that empowers
…breathing deeply can be a PAUSE that empowers
…appreciating can be a PAUSE that empowers
…gazing at a beautiful-to-you thing can be a PAUSE that empowers
…exercise you enjoy can be a PAUSE that empowers
…being still can be a PAUSE that empowers
…being fully present to right NOW can be a PAUSE that empowers. Even if that fully present is *just* to your very upset child, the crochet project you are working on, the next thing on your list for today, the mess you are in the midst of cleaning up.

PAUSE. No matter how your pause looks or how brief it is, it can empower you. It begins as a bit of calm…and grows into something so much more powerful. So much so I wrote an entire book on it. For you and for me.

Because times of struggle? No matter how great and overwhelming and scary? They call upon us to dig down deep into ourselves and slowly recognize how we, though maybe physically alone, are emotionally and spiritually so very, very connected. When we’ve been able to find that semblance of calm within us via our PAUSE, we begin to tune ourselves into this connection.

This is why we feel those moments of gratitude swelling up within us. Or why, just as we are thinking of our dear friend, they call us. Or how lifting it can feel to help another. This is why our children seem to do better, things settle a bit more at home, we feel steadier and stronger.

Connection. It is powerful.

We are living this now–often being physically far apart, and yet, the connection we can feel with each other and, well, EVERY one is very real. And it is empowering. We can strengthen this feeling within us and all around us as we create the PAUSE that works for us.

For whatever you do to pause–even if it is only in the latest button pushing moment when you are able to calm yourself even a little bit–it will empower you just a bit more.

What we focus on grows.

Today, I send you a PAUSE that empowers. Feel the connection that we are all living. Take a moment to recognize and appreciate it. Let the presence of this connection fill you, lift you, carry you forward.

Find PAUSE and all of Alice’s books here!

Then recognize that it begins from deep within you and is always there for you. Always. And this power you tap into as you strengthen your PAUSE will carry all of us forward in life-affirming ways, no matter what the world throws at us. This we can trust. I do.

Love and Light to each of you today.
Alice
Author and Parent Coach

©2020 Alice Hanscam

This IS tough. AND so are you.

April 30, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care, Social Emotional Comment

I discovered WholeHearted School Counseling of recent. I encourage you to go check them out…Facebook link here; online store here. Check them out especially for helping your children manage any anxiety or fear…and yourself.  They have a poster that I find wonderful. Below I share their statements in bold (with the slight change of replacing “but” with “AND”!) along with a bit from me. I hope it helps YOU as you navigate not only our pandemic, but life in general:
 
#1) This IS tough. AND so are you.   

 

Your resilience shows in how you move through each day parenting to the best of your ability; how you navigate the chaos raising children inevitably brings. Your resilience shines when your child needs you, is sick, sad, or frustrated. It is the very resilience that can have you emerging from the other side of our pandemic, of ANY challenge no matter the size, well and whole.  It IS tough AND so are you.

 
#2) You may not be able to control this situation AND you are always in charge of how you respond.
 
HOW we choose to respond to any situation directly influences and creates our experience, which then becomes our reality. THIS is key, for this is what we can control no matter the uncertainty and chaos around us. And it can be tough, for it requires us first to PAUSE…calm our selves…get clear about what it is we want…and then step back into whatever our situation is and respond based on this. So today? Start with a PAUSE.
 
#3) I haven’t figured this out…YET.
 
This is so very essential! Without the word “yet” we can feel defeated. We can feel like throwing in the towel and thinking like we’ll NEVER figure it out/get through it/come out the other side. With “yet”? An entirely different feeling comes up–POSSIBILITIES. The “YET” allows us to look around, be curious, problem solve, trust, feel empowered, ACT.
 

Sometimes it can sound like, as you struggle with a personal challenge, “I’ve had this problem up until now.” This, rather than, “I have this problem.” Or it can sound like, “My child has been struggling with this up until now” rather than “My child struggles with this.”

See the difference? Or rather, FEEL the difference? I hope so. 
 
#4) This challenge is here to teach me something…
 
Okay, I know it can be rather simple to see struggles with our kids and personal struggles as opportunities to learn and grow, even when we wish they’d just go away. This bigger one we are all in the midst of? That gets harder, doesn’t it? And yet…what gifts and opportunities IS our current world situation–a pandemic–bringing us?
 
I think opportunities to:
 
~ Be intentional with how we connect with our loved ones–those physically with us, those isolated somewhere else. Intentional ways to connect, creative ways to connect, perhaps surprisingly fun ways to connect! And to discover how filled we can be as we remain fully present to the one we are connecting to. 
 
~ Simplify life; OR learn to let go of stressing over the mess of life feeling more complicated as we juggle working at home, kids with us 24/7, our patience and creativity tapped at length…learning to let go is tough. And yet, the more we can, the more we find we can flow with the chaos rather than fight it. This can have us relaxing a bit more…really!
~ Find joy in the littlest things. Or at least a quick smile.
 
~ Strengthen our compassionate selves–perhaps first by showing ourselves compassion for all the upset we are feeling and experiencing; then reaching out to another.  
 
~ Spread love, appreciation, gratefulness, even JOY in little and big ways. Through the smile and wave you share with a neighbor, the bears in windows (do you know of the “Going on a bear hunt” game spreading through neighborhoods?) you and your child discover on your walk outside, the groceries you leave on a sick neighbors doorstep, the funny/meaningful/positive focused video you share with the world (plenty of those going around!).  
 
~ Turn within, grow ourselves from the inside out, strengthen our faith, trust, inner selves. Whether it is your relationship with God, the Universe, your Self. No matter. It is the opportunity to discover that strong foundation from which you grow and live. For it is there. And it makes a life-affirming difference as we pay attention to it. As my husband might say, “Go grow YOUR rock today.”
 
~ Fill our NOW with what lifts us–music? Art? Laughter? Hugs? Outdoor time? Prayer? Meditation? Wrestling matches with our kids? Saying NO to vacuuming and dishes and YES to playing with our kids?
 
What more can you add?
 
#5) All you need to do is take the next step, breathe, and do what feels like the next right thing to do.
 
YES. The power of NOW–it is all we really have, and in some ways quite simple–you *just* have to focus on the next right thing to do. Breathing deeply works wonders to calm your body and focus your thoughts…allowing you to trust the next step you take.
 
Really. Try it. Whether it is because you are filled with anxiety or your kids are REALLY pushing your button. It is the PAUSE that can steady you and help you step into the NEXT right thing more clearly, calmly, feeling a connection that can make the next right thing truly relationship-building. This is, quite simply, the most important thing of all. Relationships. And you can make a real difference with the NEXT right thing you choose to do.
 
Find Alice’s books here!

Know that each of my books can help you with all of the above 🙂 Thank you to WholeHearted School of Counseling for inspiring me today. You, too?

 
Be well and thrive,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2020 Alice Hanscam 

Love Can Hold Many Feelings

March 29, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment

Mister Rogers always has the right things to say. “It’s knowing that love can hold many feelings…”

 
YES. Our life’s current disruption, Covid-19, has fear, anxiety, sadness laced through-out. And all these feelings are necessary and important. The more we can give our feelings and our children’s feelings the calm, accepting, gentle attention they deserve, the more our children (and us) can feel secure in the love that allows them to process, grow, feel safe in all the topsy turvy of life. 
 
We can get busy trying to keep our children from feeling afraid or sad. We can get busy trying to fill their days, distract them, move them along to “happy”…and so often we do so because we love them and it will help US feel better.
 
And yet, it can be such a disservice, for those less-than-wonderful and very real feelings get buried. And when feelings get buried they tend to nibble away at us from the inside out and reappear in stronger, more detrimental ways.
 
So today, honor all your child’s (and your) feelings. Name the feelings, affirm them. Give them a space of grace–maybe within your arms? Maybe with you sitting alongside? Maybe just a safe, quiet place in which to melt down? Know that with your quiet self alongside allowing feelings to be felt your child can better able manage them.
 
Find Alice’s books here!

And from there, play can be encouraged (a key way for a child to process upsetting things), books can be read, eyes can be twinkled, hugs can be shared, a renewed sense of purpose can be had as you both take action in whatever way leaves you feeling stronger, more settled, purposeful.

 

Then fear subsides. Sadness moves toward contentment. Anxiety quiets.

Love can hold many feelings.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
www.denaliparentcoaching.com
©2020 Alice Hanscam

All the Kids are Sick

September 2, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Self-care Comment

All the kids are sick. Goopy noses, coughing, crying, can’t sleep, neither can you. You have guests landing at your house soon, are trying to work around what initially seemed like a small remodel of the kitchen, the dog got into the garbage AGAIN, there is no peeling the cling-ons your kids have become off your legs AND you feel exhausted. Overwhelmed. Running on empty. Chaos, yuck, craziness rules the roost. Oh–and remember, you HAVE to go to work, the grocery store, the doctor’s office–probably more than once.

You are feeling awful. Exhausted and overwhelmed. Guilty for letting your kids just do whatever because it is all you can do to manage everyone’s illness and ‘regular’ life. Cereal and treats and videos and sleeping with you and, well, getting whatever they want so your sanity can prevail. Maybe.

And the last thing you want to hear from me is that you really CAN feel steady in all this chaos. Eye-rolls please. It’s okay.

Stay with me, here.

Start by taking a deep, long, breath. Even while you have octopus legs and arms wrapped around you and snotty noses rubbing themselves across your knees.

Let that breath be your much needed PAUSE.

And let me appreciate YOU for a moment, because I know how impossible it is to see through all of this yuck to what really can help you feel a bit steadier, calmer, okay no matter what is swirling around you.

Let me appreciate…

…your resilience. You are still in the game despite (or because of) all this chaos. You don’t feel this resilience I see, yet let me be clear–you have it and are using it. That is WHY you are still in the game.

…your deep care and compassion you have for your kids even as they wipe their noses on you, add 50 pounds of weight to your legs, cry constantly, keep you awake tossing and turning, fight and melt down. It is because of the deep care you have that you are still in the game. Even if “in the game” means hiding under your covers for a while as your kids are plunked in front of a movie.

…how you let go of what seemed like “have tos.” Your ability to let go of a well rounded meal, getting to work on time or at all, having a clean(er) house, your promise to never over-do screen time, getting a real night’s sleep.

This letting go? Yes, it is due to you feeling like you have NO control over any of it, yet I “see” someone who is clear on what needs to be the reality for right now. Someone who, by letting go, has been able to go with the flow a tad more, answer their children’s needs in the moment, stay present to the here and now. All things to appreciate. All things absolutely necessary to moving through the chaos well–in time.

…that retreat into the bathroom with doors locked. Just for a few minutes for the much needed RELIEF you need. You may see it as a retreat, as “I can’t handle this!” I will re-frame it as an essential Self-Care Deposit. A PAUSE that has you more likely stepping out after a few moments with just a tad more patience, resilience, maybe even a creative idea for what can happen next.

…YOUR feelings. All of them. Your guilt, your anxiety, your upset. Let me appreciate these, for I know it is hard for you to do so. We so often feel we are supposed to NOT feel this way. That it means we are, somehow, less of a good parent for being mad, guilty, anxiety ridden. Let me appreciate for you, right now, the whole and wonderful being you are that feeling all these feelings represents. Whole and wonderful.

…your humor! Sarcastic or not, that laugh you had as everything and one melted down around you? It is a gift and a strength. Use it. See it. Find it. A little humor can go a l-o-n-g way when everything else is a mess.

Okay. So you STILL are a wreck and so are your kids. But tell me, how does it feel to be appreciated despite (or because of) all this chaos? Can you really own this appreciation or are you still rolling your eyes at me? No matter, I don’t mind.

I will keep putting these appreciations out to you, for what we focus on grows. Maybe later, after everything settles for real, you will find yourself reflecting on my words. Or maybe you feel a bit relieved right now to know that things really are working in the midst of all the yuck. Either way, I appreciate your work to parent as well as you can through the hard.

And I hope you might feel steadier. Calmer. Stronger–-at least a bit. Or just steadier. We can leave it at that. Because what a difference that can make as life swirls around you–to feel steady in the midst of it all. Or steadier for the next round of chaos. What a way to help a child settle more quickly, a Big Upset to be valued and appreciated. What a way to let a little light-hearted-ness step in and step up.

Find Alice’s books here!

So today, I appreciate you. Know this, so you don’t have to work at it yourself. Just move through today and all the challenges thrown your way KNOWING you are appreciated.

That’s all.

Take care,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Continue…

Screen time CAN be meaningful…

February 18, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology Comment

Screen time CAN be a rich learning and relationship building experience for children. In honor of Mister Rogers–truly a hero of mine–I want to share a letter I stumbled upon once again that he wrote to my daughter when she was a young preschooler and absorbed by watching Mister Rogers on TV:

“Dear Emily,

You have made this a beautiful day in our Neighborhood–with your wonderful pictures and your caring message. It was interesting to see your drawings of the horse and the person and the things you did on the piece of construction paper. It was also good to see the way you decorated your envelope and the way you did some writing on your paper. That’s such a good way to begin learning about writing.

You are growing and learning many new things every day.  I’m proud of the many ways you’re growing, and I hope you are, too.

In your letter, you told me that you enjoy doing some of the things we do on our television visits. That’s good to know. I’m always glad to know that my television friends like to have their own play about the things we show. And, you have such good ideas about the things you do.

Emily, it was kind of a grownup to help you send your pictures and your message to me. You are fortunate to have a grownup who cares so much about you and about the things that are important to you.

You are special and you make each day a special day for the people who care about you–just because you’re you.

Your television friend,
Mister Rogers”

I share this to show how, when we use screen time as a launching pad for hands on, sensory and language rich, whole body play, it becomes something that can be truly worthwhile.

My daughter loved watching Mister Rogers. We limited TV watching time to 30-minutes a day (except for those days of exhaustion…then it stretched out a bit further…), and it was Mister Rogers that was always chosen. We’d watch, we’d talk about it, and following the show she nearly always went to make–in her own way–the project he did on the show. I particularly remember the rain stick she so quickly jumped up to make–a paper towel tube, tape, rice, a bit of wax paper and markers.

And as this letter shows, she took it even farther–drawing and writing to someone she cared about…and he returned with such a warm and detailed account of what she did–you can tell he truly studied her work.

How cool is that? What a deposit into a little girl’s SELF. What a way to have her focused on her abilities, on what is truly important–caring for each other.

What a way to take a screen experience and turn it into a rich

learning and growth opportunity.

 

You can just imagine her response as she received and opened a letter to her in the mail. The grin, the straightening of her shoulders, the prance of her feet. And you can just imagine how off she went to draw, create, write once again to her new friend, Mister Rogers–as well as to her grandmother, a card for her daddy to surprise him when he got home, and a little something for her buddy next door, too.

Letter writing! What fun and how incredibly important it can be, for it fosters creativity, imagination, story-telling, sharing, connecting with others, thinking about others, caring for others. All sparked by her connection with Mister Rogers.

I kept the letter. My daughter is now 26. And I can guarantee she remembers, warmly, her Mister Rogers times–for he does screen time right..

He builds relationships.

Here’s to you, Mister Rogers. I think of you often and see you as the role-model for all of us. I deeply appreciate who you were, how you still inspire, your understanding of what is important to grow healthy children.

You have always been and will always be a hero of mine.

With JOY and appreciation,

Find Alice’s books here!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2016 Alice Hanscam

A Cup of Kindness

December 30, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

Here’s to a cup of kindness each and every night. May your New Year be filled with kindness; let it lead the way in all that you do.

 

Just think, what a fabulous way to role model for our children just what we want more of.

A cup of kindness known as:

~ Self-care! Be kind to yourself by focusing first on YOU so you can parent well…patiently…with a sense of humor…Really. Taking care of YOU is essential for…well…EVERY thing.

~ Calm connection! Especially with your child and ESPECIALLY when they are anything but calm…(A rather large mug-full of self-care kindness required at these times )

~ BIG-GIANT feelings of our kids’ greeted with open arms and the message that “your feelings matter…you can count on me to keep it together no matter how BIG your feelings are!” What a feeling of safety for our kids as they work through the tumultuous-ness of all things upsetting.

~ Pausing! Then asking our child, “What do you suppose would be the kind thing to do right now?” And relishing your child’s ideas…

~ Calm and consistent follow through with the choice your child makes–whether it is for a positive thing or something less than peaceful as you move forward with your promise of no family game until homework is done. Calm and consistent follow through demonstrates guidance that is kind AND respectful. Just what our children can learn well from.

~ Letting go! Perhaps of OUR agenda…or solution…or desire to have it all feel easy and calm and smooth, or that seemingly essential errand, or going ahead with that essential errand and being okay with your child reaching their limit of patience. Another BIG mug full of kindness known as self-care required for this one…

~ SHOWING our children what care and compassion can do for another…showing and letting go of their participation. Our role-modeling–no matter what they decide to do–is one of the greatest ways to influence our kids in positive and powerful ways.

~ Presence! Intentionally choosing to be fully present to whomever you are with–whether it is engaging in conversation and play, or quietly watching your child as they immerse themselves in a game, or sitting through the alligator tears of hurt feelings. What a simple way to show kindness to another–our full, un-distracted presence. And that includes our presence to our SELVES…

A few ways to have a cup of kindness–go share one with

your child (or yourself) today and know that it will ripple out in lovely ways to all over time. What we focus on grows…

Happy 2019! 

Find Alice’s books here!

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Appreciate Yourself

December 4, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

A PAUSE today to send out appreciation to each of you as you:

…yet again shove shoes on your uncooperative child to get them out the door with the hopes of being no later than you already are…

…stumble through your day following another sleep deprived night

…choose to let your baby cry safely in their crib for a few minutes while you take a much needed and deserved FAST hot shower

…marvel at your ability to catch the falling glass, rescue the pacifier from your dog’s mouth, put yourself between your fighting kids, and STILL keep a calm voice in the midst of it all…not to mention the gymnastics required to do all of this

…plunk your kids in front of a DVD so you can actually breathe for a short while (and maybe get dinner started…or put your feet up?)

...find yourself heating up as your teen rolls their eyes, shrugs their shoulders, uses THAT tone of voice  

…successfully plan ahead for all potential ’emergencies’ before heading out on errands and to the park–you know, the snacks are made, the extra clothes packed, water bottles filled, baby wipes remembered, your wallet tucked where it needs to be…

…choosing to order pizza or nuke leftovers for the 3rd night this week–maybe with a few carrot sticks alongside. Maybe.

…actually have a twinkle in your eye as your toddler does the testing only toddlers can do

…manage week number three of illness running through your household–more runny noses, fevers, grumpy kids, throw-up to clean up, doctor appointments…and how you’ve put aside any or all of your original plans for these weeks as you focus solely on getting everyone back on their feet. Exhausting.

…open your arms to your wailing preschooler, giving them a safe place to feel their great big sad.

…wonder how you are going to make it through another day of crazy-busy…and then discover at the end of the day you did just that–made it through!

Appreciate your self. Find the gifts in it all–the chaos, the mad, the frustration, the twinkles, the successes, the challenges, the laughter. Appreciate your resilience, your efforts at planning, your compassion. Appreciate the time you carve out just for you so you can parent well–even if that means plugging your kids in for a bit or taking an extra minute in the hot shower while your little one cries.

Appreciate how TOUGH this parenting job can be and that you are still in it, moving through each day, juggling the often overwhelming nature of it all. Appreciate how you get daily (hourly!) opportunities to strengthen your patience, calm, creative, pause muscles. Appreciate the opportunities for do-overs…or those moments you actually stop yourself in the midst of blowing up, pause, reflect, and try again. Appreciate the deep caring all of this reflects–the deep caring and commitment you have for your children. What a gift.

Find Alice’s books here!

What an amazing role model you can be for your children. Know this. And appreciate all your work. PAUSE today and give yourself a hug in your minds-eye. Wrap yourself up in your arms, tell yourself some things you are appreciating about yourself, and cherish YOU.

Appreciation out to each of my readers as you embrace your parenting journey today…

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2018 Alice Hanscam

 

 

All Eyes Upon You

December 1, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care, Social Emotional Comment

Back-arching, jello legs, hitting, yelling, kicking, sobbing, throwing. A true melt-down or tantrum in progress, not very pretty nor fun and all while:

...in the middle of the cereal aisle in the grocery store–maybe with various items launching themselves out of the cart like one parent mentioned of recent regarding a jar of orange juice…and another, a jar of salsa…

...visiting your in-laws…you know, the ones who often leave you feeling less than adequate as a parent…

…exploring the museum that you finally got your courage up enough to take your child to because you REALLY wanted to show them the cool child-centered, hands-on exhibits that all your friends say are a must to see…

…at the restaurant squeezed into a tiny booth surrounded by dozens of other people enjoying their meals…enough said.

...all places public—you name it!

All eyes upon you. Embarrassment. Anxiety. Maybe even anger–the kind that leaves your hand twitching, as one dad recently said. It feels like judging eyes, critical eyes, eyes that are saying, “Control your child!” “What a brat, can’t you make her behave?” “At least MY kids are minding.”

You can FEEL the negativity emanating from all the adults watching as you desperately try to “get our child to behave” (meaning, to stop melting down…).

You’ve been there in some fashion or another–I know, because I have, too. It is a common theme for parents.

Just think, what could be different if, in those moments, all the eyes upon you were sending you support, understanding, and encouragement?

 

What if instead of feeling all that negative energy we actually feel accepting, affirming, uplifting energy?  What if all eyes upon us were really communicating, “Oh yes, it is TOUGH when our kids lose it in public!” “I can see how mad she is that you had to say no to what she wanted.” “He really is done with sitting still!” “My little one had her tantrum right in the middle of my friend’s wedding!” “When your husband was a little guy, he did EXACTLY the same thing. I remember feeling really frustrated about it!”

What could be different?

I believe you’d be able to feel calmer, more patient, and maybe even be able to allow your child the space (maybe away from the broken orange juice and salsa jars or the popular museum exhibit) to continue melting down until they felt calmer once again.

I believe you’d feel the kind of support and encouragement that has you feeling bolstered, empowered, part of a team–even with strangers, or maybe especially with strangers. A team that can truly move through this big upset with grace. Confidence (yours) could lead the way–confidence that “This, too, shall pass”, that “My child is learning a bit more about his feelings and how to manage them and I know I can help him”, that “I CAN move through this positively…”

I believe things could be very, very different. Today look upon another parent’s potentially embarrassing, anxiety producing moment and send them thoughts of compassion, understanding, encouragement. Intentionally think thoughts of “I get it! I know you can make it through this.” “Your little one is having a tough time and I understand.” “Hmmm, I wonder what I could do or say that could help this parent the most?”

And then, if inspired to do so, step into the fray and let this over the top stressed parent KNOW you understand, appreciate the BIG feelings–theirs and their child’s.  Offer a helping hand with a quiet cheerfulness. Or maybe just meet their eyes and give them an encouraging smile–one that says, “I’m comfortable in your child’s melt down, it is okay.”  Whew. What a relief that can be, to have another let you know they are comfortable in the big discomfort you are in the midst of.

Just think, what could be different today, right now, if all the eyes upon you were encouraging, understanding, appreciating? What could be different if you felt the comfort of support that says, “It will be okay”?

Find Alice’s books here!

What a way to take care of each other; to grow compassion all around. What a way to take care of ourselves, as we intentionally focus on being supported, appreciated, encouraged. We all deserve this kindness and compassion—it allows us to be our better selves. Truly the self-care we need the most.

What a gift to our children, others, and ourselves.

 

Respectfully and appreciatively,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

©2018 Alice Hanscam

Take. Your. Time.

October 11, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional 2 Comments

Take Your Time.

There’s a young Mama in my life of whom I admire greatly. She has the wonderful ability to Take Her Time through much of whatever her toddler and preschooler throw at her. She incorporates PAUSE in such a way that her little ones feel heard, understood, supported, and able to better manage themselves in all they do. Something you each know I speak of often…and yet walking the talk is even difficult for me at times.

I’ve learned much from her. I know she’s learned from me, and yet…this Take Your Time? Watching how she does this no matter the emotions or circumstance has truly empowered me to further grow this in myself. To relax a bit, no matter the situation, and Take My Time through it. No rush. The less the rush, the more it feels right. Good. Healing. Relationship-building, ultimately.

It is HARD, as you all know, in the loud, upsetting, maybe even tantruming moments. It is HARD knowing that it takes so  much repetition for little ones to learn–why oh why can’t they figure it out the FIRST time that wrecking their sibling’s work isn’t okay, that hitting and biting hurts, that throwing their food on the floor and watching the dog lap it all up just isn’t going to fly after the first round of laughter from all of us?

We all want our words to work the FIRST time. We all want to make these big and uncomfortable feelings go away, settle down. We all want the HARD to become easy. Now. Not months from now, but immediately. I think this is accentuated by our culture of instant gratification–from ordering on Amazon Prime to Googling answers right away to instant or fast foods, to immediate results for many things and everything becoming just so much faster. That’s a whole other post to write–because I believe it is undermining our lives in truly unhealthy ways. Making it hard to Take Our Time. And it is in Taking Our Time that the most meaningful things come.

Back to the immediate parenting deal and that upsetting BIG feelings situation…

Here’s the deal.  It truly does take strengthening our PAUSE muscle. Because as we strengthen this within ourselves–to create a bit of space to calm ourselves and recognize whatever the situation is–the more we can respond from a calm, connected place, the more that is learned. And really, it all comes down to Taking Your Time.

Maybe this looks like your understanding it will take repetition–calm, consistent, clear responses over and over again–in order for you little one to learn and grow. And so you settle in for the long haul. Get clear about what you want, be consistent and calm with how you show them.

Maybe this looks like taking a deep breath as things totally disintegrate and LET them disintegrate. With your company. LET the loud, big upset be loud and big. Work more at calming yourself or arranging your facial expressions to reflect how you’d LIKE to be feeling (!!). And be in it all. Take Your Time.

Because as you do so, you are communicating to your child important messages, such as:

You can count on me to keep it together no matter how you decide to behave or feel. What a way to help a child feel safe and secure in the midst of BIG feelings.

I have confidence in your ability to manage your feelings. You can count on my company and support to help you along. Just imagine knowing the important person in your life has confidence in YOU.

How YOU feel is okay and all WILL be okay. Wow–to hear (over and over again) that feeling mad or sad or happy or frustrated is OKAY. Just think how that can ripple out into adulthood! Someone who allows themselves to feel fully whatever they need to feel AND know that they will be okay. What a game-changer that could be for all of us.

How you feel is important. Valued. Respected. Imagine having that communicated to you as you rant over what a co-worker or boss or parenting partner did. That your rant is heard, Is important. Is valued and respected. For our children, that is the precursor to calming themselves. To being compassionate towards another. To eventually cooperating and collaborating and sharing and all those wonderful skills and qualities we want to see in our kids.

You don’t need me to decide for you how to feel. This is so key–it is never our responsibility to make another feel a certain way. Yes, we have great influence, and it is ultimately up to each one of us to be responsible for how we decide to feel. And this is empowering. Think about how that ripples out to teen years–as our children learn to understand, accept, and manage their own feelings, they are less likely as teens look to another to tell them what they should do and feel. Pretty important for growing in healthy ways. For relating in healthy ways.

What does Take Your Time actually LOOK like?

With little guys it is about describing what you see, first and foremost. “You are mad…your brother wrecked your puzzle…you both wanted that toy…it’s frustrating when that doesn’t work for you…you bumped your head and it hurt…” Just the act of describing, first and foremost, creates a PAUSE and allows you to Take Your Time. And it helps your child understand and process it all, too. It often gives you insight into just what your child is actually thinking and feeling. Sometimes this can be surprising!

With your older child or teen it may be about saying, “I hear you. I’m feeling pretty upset myself, right now. Let me take a bit to think about this. I will get back to you.” And then you do–both Take Your Time to think, and then get back to them. This creates that PAUSE that slows it all down and allows you to respond in a productive, relationship-building way. Ever so respectful.

Sometimes it is about physically being next to your child for a moment. Just being there, present, connected, waiting for a moment. Working harder at calming your own anxiety then calming them. 

Sometimes is is about your encouraging self-talk telling yourself that this particular deal will take a long time to learn and you CAN continue stepping in patiently. Over and over and over again. You can do it!

Always it is about seeing any situation as an opportunity for growth and learning (for you and your child!) rather than a problem to solve. This is something I encourage all of you to reflect on–as you rush in to stop, solve, fix, get over as quick as possible (so you can feel better!), consider what you might do differently if you saw this as the opportunity to help your child grow a bit more towards the kind of adult you hope they’ll be. Consider, if it wasn’t a problem to fix, how you might approach it. When we step in thinking it is our job to fix something, we rob our children and ourselves of all kinds of important, essential growth. Another post to write!

Take Your Time. Slow it down when you can.

Focus first on calming YOUR self so you can help your child do the same. Allow for the extra few minutes to move

through a difficult moment. Allow the difficult

moment to be a long moment.

Sometimes for older children we are talking days. Weeks. And yet, as we Take Our Time through their difficult moments, situations, stages, THEY can feel all that support and encouragement that will ultimately move them through it productively. Healthily. Feeling competent, capable, in charge of their selves. How cool is that?

What do YOU need in order to Take Your Time? To take care of you along the way. Remember those Self-Care deposits I talk about? Be sure to do something, just for you, regularly. One minute, hours. Whatever works in your life. It all counts.

Be sure to think about where you have been able to Take Your Time. To feel more comfortable through upset. To help your child move through something difficult. Because it is those times that will bolster you in the midst of the here and now difficult ones.

And PAUSE. Often in your life. Wherever and with whomever. The more you focus on this, the more you strengthen the muscle, the more likely you will find yourself Taking Your Time through something more difficult.

This Mama I admire? She’s taught me this. To Take My Time no matter how disruptive, upsetting, uncomfortable a situation is. To recognize how my button gets pushed and equally recognize I get to control my own buttons. To act-as-if I’m okay with all the uproar around me.

And then the way cool thing happens. That uproar? It settles. Maybe because I Took My Time. Or maybe because, as I focused on calming my self I got a bit clearer about what to do. How to respond. Creative juices flow more readily. Or I make room for a surprising “solution.” Perhaps because I Took My Time, it gave my child the opportunity to figure things out.No matter what, something better emerges. Always. And the best thing of all?

CONNECTION.  Real, meaningful, deep, lovely, joyful, heartwarming connection emerges. 

Find Alice’s books here!

What a way to live. What a way to grow. What a way to deposit into any and all of your relationships.

Today, Take Your Time. In whatever way you can. Little or big. Notice how you feel. Notice what works for you. And most especially, notice how it influences situations you are in–with your children, with others.

And thank you to this Mama. I hope she knows how much I am learning from her as she is learning from me.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2018 Alice Hanscam

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Said with a huff, “Parents these days!”

September 26, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Self-care Comment

Said with a huff, “Parents these days! They are doing SUCH a poor job…”

Or maybe (and equally with a huff), “She should give her child some DISCIPLINE!”

Or perhaps, “In MY day we knew how to make our kids behave!”

And off go the adults huffing and puffing…and on go the kids being anywhere from over-the-top challenging to as typical as typical can be…

…and sink-into-an-embarrassment hole goes mom or dad, or maybe just the opposite as their blood pressure goes over-the-top just like the kids…

And THEN…well? Who knows. Maybe everyone gets moved along their way as if nothing is happening–hush hush, now, let’s go. Or maybe mom or dad try ever so hard to get their child to “behave.” Or maybe everyone blows. None of it very pretty. Or effective.

Or encouraging.

And this is where I’m going. It feels pretty awful to have others throwing comments your way or even just thinking them that are all about CRITICISM. And really, isn’t this way more about the critical adult’s discomfort over what seems to be less than wonderful behavior? Discomfort over something they’d LIKE to control and can’t?

I think so. Discomfort that can feel like frustration. Or embarrassment for another, and hence yourself since you now feel embarrassed you are embarrassed. Or maybe just plain anger. And it is expressed verbally, critically, often in what seems to be a “light” manner with that nudge nudge don’t you agree or an eye-roll, or sarcasm.

Consider this. It takes a village to raise a child. It takes support, encouragement, understanding, compassion, extra hands, more time than you ever realized, lots of self-care…

Criticism offers none of these. Appreciation offers all of them. I’m done with–and actually rarely participated in, anyway–chuckling and ha-ha-ing a bit with those who say things like that. I’m done with walking away and rolling MY eyes at my husband who knows exactly what I’m thinking. Nope. No more. Because I intend to get much better myself at staying true to what I believe and know…even if discomfort reins.

Said (by me) to those huffing and puffing over “Parents these days!”, “You know, I think parents these days are doing a darn good job with an extraordinarily tough job–and since it takes a village to raise a child, I am sure they’d appreciate any support and encouragement you can give…”

Said (by me) to those declaring, “She should give her child some DISCIPLINE!”, “You know what, it is really really hard when our child loses it in the store. Seems to me she is working hard at being calm and I think that is exactly what will help the most. I’m going to see if she needs an extra hand…”

Said (by me) to those sure that in THEIR day they did it “right” by “making” their kids behave, “Yep. It’s certainly different now, as we work hard at helping our children grow into independent, self-directed, compassionate adults…” (okay, so I haven’t said that YET, but I’m working on it…)

Encouragement. Appreciation. Support.

Even a quick smile. What a difference for parents when others around them care enough to put aside their own discomfort over what can be a less than wonderful scene and at minimum THINK support, compassion, encouragement.

Even better, offer those needed extra hands, or an appreciative “It’s tough! I get it. Can I help?”, or an understanding smile, or actually step in when kids need to know what they are to do differently, what is expected (like recently in a hummingbird exhibit showing some curious and exuberant children where TO stand and how to be as still as possible as they studied a mama hummingbird in her nest…rather than poking and prodding and bumping and disrupting…) Amazing and rather simple when you think about it when kids are shown what they CAN do rather than be yelled at, yanked, told to quit… Actually, that’s a whole other post to write and its all about what we focus on grows….

Just think what could be different for all of us if we felt and experienced this support and encouragement instead of critical eyes and words when we are most embarrassed, upset, frustrated. Just think.

And just think what our children will learn about their world around them–that we are all in this together, striving to do our best and being better every single day, and that they (and us!) can count on this village to be there for them. No matter what. Helping them become their very best, as well.

Find Alice’s books here!

How cool would that be? Today, appreciate, first and foremost. I think you’ll like what it can change…and how it feels. I know I do.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

How we see the world IS our responsibility

September 10, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment

Because of the continual, hard, and often negative news we can be immersed in with media, news sources, struggles within our own communities and families, I reflect often on Mister Rogers, on what we CAN control, on how the work we do to grow ourselves as parents can strengthen us in times of any trouble.

So, with Mister Rogers’ help, let’s focus first on ourselves, consider what we really want for our children and world, and then take responsibility for the actions we take. Let’s respond rather than react. Let’s be clear on what we can and cannot do and take responsibility for all that we can…

We are responsible TO our children, community, world for how each one of us decide to think, feel, and behave. For the kind of environment–physical and emotional–that we provide for our children, for others, for ourselves.

We are responsible FOR how we decide to respond to all that is presented. Reactivity gets us no where fast. It is the “easiest” reaction to something that pushes our button, and then the result becomes the hardest to dig ourselves out of.

Let’s use all the negativity and damage that we are watching unfold almost daily (if you are immersed in the news….) as a way to grow ourselves, from the inside out. To PAUSE. To really think and consider what we truly want for our family, our communities, our world.

And then step into whatever is pushing your button and respond based on just this–what you value the most. This we do have control over–how we decide to think, feel, and act.

It is hard, for it can leave us feeling vulnerable. Yet when we act in alignment with what we believe and know to be right and good from the inside out, then amazing things can happen.

Through the hard comes real and meaningful connection.

Respect. Appreciation and gratitude. Love. Kindness. Growth. Rarely easy. Often messy. Downright scary at times. Loss is a part of this. Compassion comes from it.

 

So yes, how we are choosing to “see” the world right now IS our responsibility.

Be intentional. Be kind. Be clear and certain and steady. Be a hero. Even if it is “just” for your child. That can be enough. For our children? They are watching, learning, growing–show them the way by staying clear and certain in your integrity.

This we can control. 

Find Alice’s books here!

What we focus on grows and I choose to look at all the yuck we are often buried in through a lens of LIGHT.

Thank you, Mister Rogers.

With deeply felt appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

©2018 Alice Hanscam

Parenting Success: Respect Feelings

August 17, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Respect Feelings! And oh so difficult at times . A definite Essential Ingredient for our Parenting Success recipe!

Big, little, LOUD, volcanic, deeply felt, seemingly silly or unnecessary in our eyes. When a child is given the opportunity to FEEL, to have us name their feeling, and give them the safe and respectful place to express it, they can then more likely own it, understand it, and better manage it.   

And when they can better manage their feelings, all kinds of way-cool things can happen…

…self-awareness grows exponentially–ever so necessary to learn about themselves, what they like and don’t like, who they are, what their place is in the world, what makes THEM tick.

…they feel more in-charge of themselves–now that is empowering for a child! Confident and capable can lead the way because feelings are understood and appreciated.

…compassion for others grows; empathy is right around the corner. What a necessary quality to grow for healthy living. Empathy for another. It begins with us empathizing with them as they FEEL–however loud, big, volcanic, deeply sad, seemingly unnecessary…

...feeling more in control of themselves, they feel more secure. And with feeling more secure, they can now truly do the job of growing. Because growth takes feeling safe, in control, supported, for this growth? It often feels rather tumultuous…

...they can feel stronger from the inside out–truly what I believe we all want for our children. What better way to set them up for navigating hurt feelings, broken hearts, peer pressure to take drugs, have sex, drink and drive (whoa…ever thought about that as you look at your 4-year-old freaking out and you are exasperated as you tell them–“You don’t need to cry! Get over it!”?)

Respect Feelings. Here’s the deal, it requires us to manage our OWN upset, irritation, frustration, heart-felt sorrow as we help our children process theirs. And this is oh-so-hard at times, for those BIG and LOUD feelings really can push our button and feel so darn uncomfortable.

Things to focus on:

PAUSE. Calm your OWN anxiety, first. Consider for a moment as your child feels deeply, loudly, energetically. Pauses are ALWAYS helpful–and if it is hurtful behavior being shown as feelings are expressed, a pause can become a part of your stepping in quickly via your self-talk, it can be those deep breaths you take as you stop your child, it can be the moment you physically wrap your arms around them to stop the hitting or running or whatever is happening. Need help with this? See my books! Or ask

Name and affirm their feeling: “I can tell you are…” “You seem disappointed.” “It really hurts your feelings…” “That makes you MAD.”

Give choices with what they CAN do with feelings that are over-the-top and needing a more productive direction: “You feel really angry. I will stop you from hurting me. If you need to hit, let’s go hit the couch…pound the floor…”

And always, always follow through with the choices given.

Know that, as you work at staying calm and connected with your child no matter their upset, you are communicating to them they can count on you to keep it together even (and most especially) when they cannot. What a way for a child to feel safe and secure even in the midst of a big upset. What a way to grow TRUST in you, in themselves.

Respect Feelings.

A key ingredient and essential for a child to grow well, be in-charge and in control of themselves. To feel compassion and be compassionate. To have the inner self-awareness necessary to truly know themselves and to feel strong from the inside out.

Find Alice’s books here!

Another essential ingredient can be found right here.

Here’s to you…

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam