“Discipline is helping a child solve a problem. Punishment is making a child suffer for having a problem.” L. R. Knost.
This is a tough one for many parents. I often hear, “But he has to know it isn’t okay to throw his blocks!” “Talking back to me is unacceptable and she has to know it.” “He has to learn not to hit others!” YES to all of these!
It is HOW we then respond that determines what our child learns.
If we respond with time outs, go to your room, withdrawing every privilege under the sun in a reactive, ‘I am really mad’ way, then in what ways are they learning to solve the problem? To know within themselves what they can and cannot do? To make a better choice based on themselves instead of us–the mark of an inner directed and self-regulated person?
When we get reactive and punish, we are perhaps getting compliance in the moment, but we are also communicating that they need to behave in order for us to calm down and feel better (Whew! They behaved! I can feel like a good parent, now! Or at least RELIEVED…). And now the learning is more about how we feel, rather than learning what it feels like to them to have the blocks put away, no longer have mom’s attention until a respectful voice is used, that using words and gentle touches reaps much bigger rewards.
When we see testing, conflict, problems, misbehavior as an opportunity to walk alongside our children…
…and show the
m what is expected, practice with them what is a better choice, offer them our respect for what they choose to do by calmly and consistently following through with the results of their choice, NOW real learning can occur.
Brains are calmer and can process thought. The choice made is about them rather than us. The respect for the process of growth is in place. Compliance in the moment often undermines being able to manage themselves in the long run. Certainly not want we really want!
Now how might your response look?
“Blocks are for building. When you throw them, it is time to put them away.” And you follow through. Now your child has an opportunity to discover just what they think and feel about no longer having the blocks available. How THEY think and feel, not us. And we get to calmly sit through their potential upset, eventually moving them gently toward another activity…or trying again with their blocks.
“When you talk to me like that, it is hard for me to listen. When you are ready to use a respectful, kinder voice, let me know. I am interested in what you have to say.” And now you move away, put your attention to something else, and give your child the space and respect to decide for themselves if they want our attention and listening ears. Inner direction–key for successful living.
“Hitting is never okay. It hurts. I can see you are mad about your friend using your special guy. Can you use your words to let her know about your mad?” And now you are there to walk them through just how to negotiate more peacefully, to discover more about their feelings, to practice self-control, to problem solve based on THEM, rather than us. Know that you can expect to repeat this many, many times as your child figures out better ways to interact with others. Practice–it is key!
This is what discipline is all about–guidance.
Letting go of compliance in the moment–except for safety issues–requires us to have patience, trust in the growth process, clarity on what we really want (what kind of adult we intend to grow, what kind of relationships we intend to nurture…), and the ability to role model the respect and kindness we all hope to get from our children as they grow.
PAUSE today. Calm yourself. Consider what it is you really want your child to learn—and then step in alongside them and show them.
Put your attention to the solution, to growth, to eventual respect, kindness, compassion, self-control, inner direction.
Patience! As in all good and amazing things, it takes time. What we focus on grows.
With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2013 Alice Hanscam
Just because your preschooler is testing you like crazy does NOT mean you have failed at parenting respectfully, peacefully, positively. And preschoolers? They WILL test you like crazy. Loudly. Exuberantly. Endlessly. I want you to know that. They will and you CAN (parent respectfully!).
The ability to PAUSE. To calm YOUR self, first. To know, without a doubt, you are your child’s calm, confident leader. To know, without a doubt, this is all about growth and learning, rather than problems to fix.
Teacher Tom writes about how, when we (the adults) give the respectful space for kids to work it out and sort it out SO MUCH LEARNING occurs. So much.
My greatest lesson? PAUSE and the power of calm connection.
.he didn’t lose it. Dad instead left his son’s room before his temper got the best of him. He headed downstairs to the garage. There he gathered up the Shop-Vac, some rags, a broom, duct tape, cardboard, and other cleanup and temporary repair items. As he lugged it all up the stairs, dad realized how much calmer he already felt. This PAUSE of leaving the scene of the mess, focusing on what he needed to gather, letting go of trying to drag his son downstairs with him worked for him. He found he was returning to his son’s room, more interested in engaging with him positively as they cleaned up the mess.
to your lost-in-a-good-book child and as he looks up at you you can actually smile and ask what part he’s reading right now. Then remind him that it is time to head out and you need his cooperation. (It can feel like a big ask of you when time is of essence, and yet…this bit of a pause next to your child? It really takes but seconds.)
k, “I’m going to pull your shirt on, now, are you ready?,” or picking up their legs, ready for the clean diaper, or working that spoonful of pureed carrots in and all around their mouth and face, followed by sucking and smooshing a wet wash cloth until their pureed carrots are all gone from their cheeks–all by themselves. 
ren able to self-direct, to know and then decide what they want to do and do it--their ideas, their way. Like pouring 32 cups of tea for their stuffed teddy that evolves to dressing up in a cape as they fly around the house to flopping on the pile of pillows to immerse themselves in a book.
…cooperative behavior more often than not–-the more we are respectful, the more cooperative our children become. They feel safe, heard, understood. We’ve communicated how they can count on us to keep it together even when they cannot.
on with her upset…so no, he didn’t allow her to continue, he respected her need to do so and gave her the safe space in his arms to BE upset and still do what needed to be done–get to point B.
ay to focus on what your child CAN do in a situation. Even if it is to just sit next to you or hold tight to your hand as you navigate a less than child-friendly experience…no need to fill it with your anxiety via “don’ts!”