Tag: healthy relationships

Resilience Matters

March 2, 2023 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Self-care, Social Emotional Comment

Our Babies and Our Attention

March 14, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional 2 Comments

“Without secure attachment, a baby can grow up more anxious and less durable in the long run. Without the opportunity to closely study a caregiver’s mouth and expressions, language development can lag. A child could miss out on learning the vital skill (for survival in life and in business) of learning to read faces.

Research is beginning to indicate that if the view of a caregiver’s face is blocked by a device or if a very young child is left to spend too much time in a 2-D screen environment, the trajectory of brain development can be altered, as in the newly-discovered syndrome seen in toddlers, Virtual Autism.” (Jenifer Joy Madden, “Parents Didn’t Need to Think Much About Attachment Until Now”)

Alice’s thoughts:

Continual Partial Attention–this is what can unfold as a result of our use of our devices and it is of great concern.

Think about our babies. We take care to think about how we’ll set up our little one’s sleep space, what kind of diapering experience we want, when we’ll start solid foods, how to childproof our homes, what kind of carseat we want.

We take care to choose a pediatrician we like, to have the right clothing available for our little one, to sign up for childbirth classes and lactation specialists, and find the right pacifiers, bottles, formula.

And we certainly care about–deeply–our attachment and bond with our baby. We know how key this is for healthy growth and development. And it is. Our baby’s attachment to us is her foundation for everything healthy from here on out. Everything.

And it is technology and our digital devices, in the quest for easier/faster/better, that can be a serious roadblock for All Things Healthy for Baby (and beyond…).

Something now required and often forgotten is taking care with the media environment we set up and live within so it can best support the growth of our Baby (and all our children). We need to think about our use and our baby’s exposure, the habits we form or continue to have with our digital devices. We need to be aware and clear. We need to be proactive. We need to have a media plan in place, just like we have diapers, bottles, pediatrician, carseat, clothing in place. We need to be ridiculously intentional.

Why?

Technoference–one name for the continual partial attention as a result of our devices. It is interrupting our baby’s ability to develop a healthy and necessary attachment to us. Something none of us ever intend. When we have our phone in hand as we tend to our little ones, it vies for our attention and often “wins.” We glance, we scroll, we check for updates, we text, we post. It can seem relatively harmless and yet it isn’t. Our babies need our full and responsive attention. Read more about that here: The Cost of Smart Phones…

When we use a screen to occupy Baby we are displacing just what they need the most–hands on, sensory and language rich, whole body, relationship based experiences. That 2 dimensional screen? It does little to nothing for building all those neural networks in their brains…and it undermines the healthy growth we intend for our little one, ultimately making our job harder, our relationships more challenging. I know I’ve written plenty on this 

Our undistracted, respectful attention is essential for developing the kind of bond our babies need to grow well. A responsive, tuned-in-to-baby’s-rhythm caregiver attends to Baby in just the ways Baby needs. Now Baby’s needs can be answered in a timely and more accurate way, Baby gets the essential practice at facial expressions, hears increasingly rich and pertinent-to-them language, grows their awareness and understanding of feelings–ours and their own. Key for later learning to manage all those rather volcanic feelings (think 4-year-old!).

This is the foundation for trust, emotional regulation, a healthy brain that is full of all those essential connections. For imagination and creativity. For problem solving and their own focused attention. And these are the foundation for successful learning all through life. 

Find PAUSE and all of Alice’s books here!

Today, tomorrow, and on–PAUSE. Think with care about the media environment your little one is growing within or being born into. Be intentional with how you address it, change it, change what you do. Our little ones deserve our best and need it so they can be their best. What a gift to all our children. What a gift to ourselves as we experience the closeness and connection with our child that has all of us better able to thrive.

Respectfully and hopefully,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach

©2020

Delighting in Children

December 3, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Social Emotional Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and oh so enjoyed!:

~ The Mama who, with a group of eager adults wanting to hear her 2-year-old’s rendition of “Frosty the Snowman”, respectfully asked her little one, “Shall we teach them Frosty?” What was greatly appreciated is how what could have been an attempt to “make him perform” via, perhaps, saying “Sing them the song!” or “Can you show them how you can sing it? Come on…you know the words…” instead turned into an opportunity for her toddler to decide–on his own–just what he felt like doing with no cajoling or bribing or pressure.

What happened? Those words, “Shall we teach them Frosty?” had little guy scanning our attentive (and hopeful!) faces and launching into Frosty–in just the way a toddler does. We all delighted in it, joined in, and it became a wonderful, connected, joyful song that was sung over and over and over again…all because Mr. 2 wanted to! Just writing about this has me smiling all over again…

~ The 7-year-old boy who slowed his full-speed-ahead self down around the 2-year-old in just the right way. Playing tag by putting the brakes on just as he neared the toddler to then gently TAP him on the shoulder; stopping his perpetually moving body to plop next to Mr. 2 and ask him where each piece of a puzzle belonged–“Where does the BLUE piece go?” And waited patiently as Mr. 2 studied, pointed, and delighted in being asked.

And then the two of them going round and round the Christmas tree studying the ornaments, finding the ones of great interest, talking and touching–“remember! One finger touches!”–and sharing. And the incredible patience and tolerance and creative solutions Mr. 7 had as he taught his favorite young adult a version of checkers all the while and on the side engaging with Mr. 2 who wanted in on the game, as well…

~ The young adult upon returning home from lengthy travels for the holidays and being met by a certain favorite 7-year-old at the airport, signs of congratulations included, knelt down and opened her arms to him…sat back and admired his crayon-colored signs…discussed the various symbols he had drawn…full presence to Mr. 7 despite the general chaos around her.

And all l-o-n-g before she stood up and gave her parents their much-awaited HUG.

Lovely. Truly! Her attention to her relationship with Mr. 7…the message communicated to him–how important he is to her, how interested and curious she is about his work, how much she enjoys all things HIM…no wonder he loves and delights in her; she, him.

What wonderful ways to build connected, respectful, joy-filled relationships.

Find Alice’s books here!

So today, look–really LOOK–at those around you. Notice the little moments. PAUSE in your running around trying to get everything done and notice. Then appreciate–yourself for pausing, your child for a smile moment, another parent for working hard at keeping it together. For these little moments? They count. They add up over time to become the huge and important ones. The ones that make the most difference. Really!

And share with me, here, if you’d like–something you’ve noticed and enjoyed. That way we can spread the joy…

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

©2016

What Parenting Label Do You Wear?

July 14, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

I have been asked if I’m “pro-attachment parenting, co-sleeping, full-term breastfeeding, baby-wearing, etc…” I have to admit, I had to look up what exactly some of these labels meant. This question gave me pause…

Labels can be powerful and often limiting.

They make it hard to be something else (especially when we label our children–and that deserves a post all on its own). Labels often create walls and put people in a defensive position. Labels can create ‘right vs wrong.’ And labels can be empowering, as well, providing identity, community, and encouragement.   

So, what am I? If I need to put a name to it, I am pro-respectful parenting. Respecting children, parents, and myself. What does this mean?

That I encourage parents to discover what works in respect to them, to their child (and this includes understanding child development), to their situation and environment. I encourage parents to listen to and trust their intuition; to discover what works for them.

It is OKAY to:

…nurse, bottle, formula-feed; make your own baby-food or buy baby-food
…co-sleep, use a crib, hold your baby
…wean early or wean late; wean to a cup, wean to a bottle
…be a stay-at-home, work-outside-of-the-home, or work-at-home parent
…use pacifiers or thumbs or fists or breasts or…
…carry your baby close or give them lots of floor time
…let your baby or child work themselves to sleep or rock and keep them company until they are asleep
…use paper diapers or cloth diapers or maybe in your culture no diapers?
…ask for help and take only what works for you; ask for help and try on new ideas. Just ask for help when needed!
…parent positively…until you feel exhausted and then be a bit less positive (and then ask for help and take a break!)
…home-school, un-school, public school, private school, optional school
…go organic or non-organic; make meals or buy meals or enjoy someone else’s meal
…get a babysitter and take time for yourself or be 24/7 with your children
…label yourself and change your label

It is okay. Each and every one of us are on an amazing journey as parents. As we support and encourage each other in what works for ourselves, in listening to our intuition and trusting it–no matter what others are saying we should do differently–we can feel respected. And when we feel respected we often find ourselves listening with care to different ideas, opening ourselves to trying new things, and doing it all in respect to ourselves and our children. We can parent well.

Find Alice’s books here!

I am pro-respectful parenting. This is a label I can live by.

With appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2017 Alice Hanscam

Letting Things Rest

June 4, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

“Let’s let it rest for a bit.”

 

How does that feel to you? As I read these words from Rachel Macy Stafford I feel my entire body releasing and relaxing. You? 

Rachel Macy Stafford, author of Hands Free Mama
 
Letting something rest for a bit is PAUSE at its best. And if you follow me, you know I am all about pausing–I even wrote an entire book about the power of pausing and the calm connection it creates, influencing all of our relationships and experiences in positive, life affirming ways. If you are interested, you can find more on this book right here.
 
Let’s let it rest for a bit. And now you can breathe. Think. Reflect. Take care of you for a bit. And your child? When we say these words, we may find they push back, pester, hang on us, pleading for more, for an answer, for SOMETHING. Pretty tough, letting it rest for a bit.
 
When we can reassure our child that we will get back to them, we will address their idea, this issue–whatever the challenge is–following “letting it rest for a bit”, then the magic begins.
 
The magic? It’s the message it gives to another. “I’m listening. I accept you. I have confidence in you.” It communicates you can be counted on, trusted. It gives all feelings a space of grace. It allows for greater understanding and collaboration. Ideas can flow. Connection felt. And the best part of this?
 
It builds relationships in healthy, meaningful ways.
When we can “let it rest for a bit” we bring mindfulness to the forefront. And mindfulness strengthens our inner-selves–ours and our children’s. Powerful, always. And it is like a muscle–the more we can rest, pause, be mindful, the easier it gets to do so. PAUSE is a big part of this; challenges are a necessary part of this. When we can embrace any button-pushing, challenging time with a PAUSE first, we are more likely going to either “let it rest for a bit” before re-engaging, or step into it feeling like we have rested for a bit. Calmer. Clearer. Steadier. Mindfulness begins to permeate all that we do–or at least a bit more often. And what a difference this can make for all of our relationships! Connection feels genuine, deeper, more meaningful. A gentle humor is more likely to emerge. Trust strengthens. Understanding and acceptance define our experiences. Magic, truly.
 
Two more articles of mine that you may find helpful as you explore all that “letting it rest” can bring:
The Space and Grace of PAUSE
One Papa’s “Alice PAUSE”
 
Here’s to each of you as you work hard at parenting well. A huge thank you to Rachel of The Handsfree Revolution. Your work is deeply appreciated!
 
With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
www.denaliparentcoaching.com

Things Are Different These Days

March 9, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Spirituality Comment

I spoke with a (Grand)-dad recently who reflected on how he was brought up by a fair and firm mother. One who listened, considered, and said “no” when necessary. A mother who had clear boundaries for her son and held to them calmly and with a gentle firmness. He shared how he knew where he stood with her;  how he could count on what she said, she’d do. He also spoke of, with a bit of a smile, not liking the “no’s” even as he felt heard and understood by his mother, and how his mother was okay with his feelings. And here he now was– a curious, kind and respectful adult, embracing what life throws at him with a sense of humor and humbleness, taking care to take responsibility for himself.

He spoke to his unsettled feelings over how children are raised nowadays–and he shared that his wife told him it’s because things are different now from when he was young.

This gave me pause. Things ARE different than when he was a boy.  We have many, many families that are made up vastly differently then his traditional two-parent, stay-at-home mom experience was. We are immersed in technology and screens. We have a culture that encourages and even demands a fast paced and full life-style. We have children growing up in an environment full of digital devices and all the concerns and advantages this brings. We have so many parenting labels to try on these days. I could go on with all that is different; I’m sure you, can, as well.

Yet something very important hasn’t changed. How our children develop physically, emotionally, and mentally.

Our children’s development continues to unfold in the ways it always has. What has changed is the “Out There” and how we respond to all those outer influences when it comes to parenting, to building our relationships. The demands of our faster paced, technology driven lifestyle demands our attention. And the more we focus on that, the more it seems things change with children. And often in less desirable ways. We are more likely to live from a reactive rather than responsive place.

Parenting from a “firm and fair” place continues to be the authoritative parenting style that supports our children and our relationships in the best possible way, allowing our children to develop healthily. It requires our focus to start within ourselves. To put aside the demands of our “out there” culture/life/world and PAUSE. Think. Slow down enough to really listen to ourselves, from the inside out. The ever-increasing pull to attend to all those “out there” things robs us of our ability to live from our inner selves. And this is the core of parenting well. This is the foundation for building healthy relationships with our children (and others!), for supporting our child’s optimal development and well-being. For helping our children develop their inner selves. Essential for a healthy life.

I believe it requires us to slow down. If not from the outside, then within. Yes, you can do both–still be caught up in a fast-paced life and slow down from within. The key? Strengthen your PAUSE. Really! Start with the heated moments and discover ways to calm a bit before responding to your child. Pause, breathe, walk away, close your eyes and focus first on YOURSELF. Your feelings; your upset. Settle to the best of your ability. This one step will make a tremendous difference over time.

And what a gift to our children, as we strengthen our ability to take care of our upset and connect calmly with them. What a gift to our children as we show them the power of PAUSE and how to develop that in themselves. To learn to think and reflect a bit, to be given plenty of time to DO so (Our Children Need to PAUSE, too!). Our ability to be fair and firm, as this Grand-dad talked of, comes from our ability to take our time with our children, and guide them from the inside-out.

Our world needs this more than ever. We need to nurture our ability to BE. Our children need unscheduled time, bored time, lots and lots of nature time. And so do we. Pausing gives us the start in this kind of healing we and our society needs. Things are different, now. And our children need what they’ve always needed. Fair, gently firm guidance coming from a calm and connected adult. This has not changed.

The need for it has.

Let’s refocus. Let’s respond to what our children require from us in order to grow well. Then let this be our guide for what “out there” actually needs our time and attention.  In time, with practice, our essential BE-ing will rise up and be a real and positive influence for our children, families, communities, world.

Find Alice’s books here!

How cool is that? Here’s to this Grand-dad who I left musing on the sidewalk as he, too, considered that, in the essential ways, things haven’t changed at all. We just need to refocus.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2021 Alice Hanscam

 

 

What Baby Needs to Thrive in Age of Technology

July 9, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment

You are about to welcome in a new baby. Or maybe just have.

Congratulations!

Feeling confident and competent as a parent, deeply and wonderfully connected with your little one(s) is what we hope and strive for as we welcome children into our lives.

It can be daunting, thinking of the responsibilities we have as parents; it can be challenging as we go through periods of uncertainty and exhaustion; it can be one of the most fulfilling experiences of your  (and your baby’s) life.   

You’ve set yourself up with a growing understanding of feeding, bathing, diapering, sleeping, care-giving in general. Time to also consider how to set up the tech environment your baby will be raised in.  A bit surprising to have to think of this and incredibly essential to do so for growing the healthy, loving, deeply connected relationship you intend; crucial for supporting your little one’s optimal brain growth; critical for healthy growth and development to excel.

What do babies need to thrive?

A tuned-in, responsive care-giver, answering their needs in a timely and respectful manner, being present and focused especially during care-giving moments—feeding, diapering, assisting sleep, bathing…

What do parents strive for? 

Healthy and deeply connected relationships with their little ones; feeling confident and capable throughout their parenting journey; thriving children and families. Some things to think about:

• Consider relationships in your life that you relish. What helps you feel and nurture the deep connection that define these?
• What does connection look and feel like as you relate in-person with others you feel close to?
• When have you felt best about connecting meaningfully with another?
• Consider times you’ve felt truly confident and capable; what would it be like to feel this way as you parent your little one? How can being intentional with the environment you set up support you in this?
• In what ways has technology enhanced the most meaningful relationships in your life?
• In what ways has technology detracted from connecting meaningfully with another?

What do you need to know?

Being tech aware and intentional with your use, your baby’s use and exposure, you are more likely to foster the healthy and deeply connected relationships that can have your baby thriving. Key issues include:

• How screens impact your baby’s healthy brain development—what screen use can be healthy, what is not. FaceTime with a grandparent with you there, talking and interacting can be a wonderful way to nurture connected relationships; plunking your baby by themselves in front of a device counters this healthy development. It is in the first 3 years that our brains develop the most rapidly, and it is with hands-on, sensory and language rich, relationship and whole-body based experiences that this occurs. Screens displace these experiences, impeding our baby’s brain development.
• Your awareness of and respect for baby’s rhythms and your ever-growing understanding of your little one’s communications are key for answering their needs; Your responsiveness to baby’s coos, cries, smiles, gurgles, and wiggles is the essential socialization and communication foundational for healthy physical and emotional development, as well as relationships. Your timely responsiveness is  key for baby to feel settled and secure and able to grow well. Distraction by and overuse of our devices while with baby undermines this.
• Providing baby with devices to be entertained or distracted by undermines her ability to self-regulate and communicate her needs; displaces crucial social emotional time with her primary caregivers (you!); interrupts the development of a healthy brain; displaces the meaningful and responsive connection with and from you that is key for your baby to grow optimally.

There are important and at times seemingly little moments to pay attention to. They can be easily missed if we are distracted by our devices. Our ability to respond appropriately and timely is key. These little moments? They become the foundation for the warm and wonderful relationship you intend to build. They become the foundation for all future learning.

How can you create a healthy tech environment that supports and fosters healthy growth and relationships?

Consider your use of devices and how they step up to enhance or detract connecting meaningfully and accurately (in regards to understanding your baby’s expression of needs). Ideas:

  • Put your phone down and perhaps out of sight and silenced as you feed, converse, diaper, bathe, or otherwise interact with your baby. Give them the gift of your full attention as much as you can.
  • Turn off background noise from devices (certain kinds of music being the exception) to better support your little one’s ability to fully focus on and appropriately explore and engage their environment; to engage YOU.
  • Be sure to, when needing to use a device, speak directly with your baby about what you will be doing and when they can expect your full attention once again. This communicates respect; and with your consistent follow through, you communicate trust–baby can count on what you say you mean and will do. Relationship-building.

Consider our knowledge that little to no screen time for our babies and toddlers is essential for their healthy development. Know that providing lots of free time to explore, stretch on a blanket on the floor, look at and touch objects (and you!)–all with your responsive self tuned in to when needs emerge–will support the growth of a little one able to self-regulate, feel secure and safe, able to play “on their own” for stretches of time. No need to distract with a screen. And now their brains are growing exponentially!

Consider background noise from devices and televisions—as a regular occurrence these distract and interrupt your little one’s ability to attend to their own explorations of their world; it can limit imagination and reflection time necessary for growing from the inside-out–key for self-regulating, problem solving, feeling capable and competent, for all learning! This includes those constant text pings even though your phone is tucked away.

Be intentional with how and when you use your devices so they no longer impede your baby’s development and your deepening bond with them. Be intentional with how you think forward through the early years—just what can be healthy use especially in regards to how children learn by hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship-based, whole body experiences. 

Questions to ask yourself

What are some steps you will take today with your tech use to ensure your ability to deposit fully into your relationship with your little one?

What are some things you can do differently in your home as you consider a healthy tech environment for your little one?

How would it feel to know you are providing your child with all that they need to thrive?

Find Alice’s books here!

Be tech intentional with your environment, your use, your baby’s exposure. Know that this can help you foster the development of a healthy brain, ready for all future learning and nurture a relationship you will cherish. Really! Now go enjoy welcoming in your new little one and feel confident you are providing her with all that she needs to thrive.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

©2020 Alice Hanscam

 

Mister Rogers

December 17, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment

I’ve seen the new Mister Rogers movie twice, now. It’s A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood.

Maybe you’ve seen it. I hope, if you have, you are reflecting on it…even as it seemed slow. Quiet. Maybe even boring to some.

I felt uncomfortable for a bit the first time I saw it–I found myself wanting more action. More explaining. More…something. Then I paused…

And realized this is exactly the gift and message Mister Rogers lived and continues to share through all who are carrying his message forward.

Listening. Waiting. Appreciating. Gentleness. Focused attention. Wonder. Presence. Acceptance and allowance for uncomfortable feelings with no need to “make them go away.”

 

Ultimately, meaningful connection filled with love, wonder, and acceptance. All from living a PAUSE. Taking pause deeper and allowing it to create the space for others to feel, think, experience. Even–or most especially–the uncomfortable and what feels like the unmentionable.

For when you are given the grace of accepting, caring, gentle space–you are more likely going to feel the power of this grace and allow it to propel you forward. It’s often quite difficult, this propelling forward. It can, as we see in the movie, take time. Lots of time and patience and hurt feelings.

And yet, within the gentle space given by another, it becomes doable. And absolutely, ultimately meaningful in important and necessary ways. Connection that speaks volumes and can change lives in magnificent ways. Relationship-building. Relationship enriching.

I like you just the way you are. You are a whole and wonderful being BECAUSE of all your feelings. Never broken, always whole.

We are humans. We all have a full gamut of feelings. They are worth mentioning. And what is mention-able is manageable.

 

Absolutely.

Tom Hanks did a superb job of spreading Mister Rogers’ gentle, caring, PRESENT, truly interested, accepting way of being out to all of us–quietly and perhaps uncomfortably as we watch this important movie.

Find all of Alice’s books here!

This is what we need more of. Read here for another wonderful take on who Mister Rogers was and continues to be: https://www.theatlantic.com/…/mister-rogers-attenti…/603106/

With love and appreciation for all,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
www.denaliparentcoaching.com
©2019 Alice Hanscam