misbehavior

Tag: misbehavior

Chore Charts, Behavior Charts, Sticker Charts, Oh My!

March 30, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Noticed and Appreciated, Self-care Comment

Chore charts. Behavior charts. Daily charts. Charts with stickers, charts with toys or adventures to earn, charts to show the order of the day. Charts, charts, and more charts.

We work so hard at getting our children to behave!

We attempt all kinds of systems to change their behavior in positive ways–charts being pretty common and tried by many of us, I’m certain. And they can work…for awhile.

Funny, though, how either we begin to fade away from following through with them (“Geez! I’ve forgotten to let my child put stickers on all he’s done!”) or our children–after the initial days of total excitement over stickers, check marks, rewards to look forward to–begin to ignore it…resort back to ignoring you and your requests…leave the dog unfed, resist brushing their teeth, no longer care about the cool toy that is promised. That well thought out chart? It just doesn’t cut it anymore.

Change. It is difficult to create and maintain.

Just think about that diet you put yourself on to lose a few pounds or how you decided to truly stay on top of a house project or how you swore you were going to start cooking from scratch more and more often. Just think about how these vows to create the change you know could be beneficial for you sort of went out the window fairly quickly…and the old ways stuck.

Change in our children requires us to focus on ourselves first and foremost. Consider where real and lasting change has occurred with your children, in your life, work related, school related, relationship related. No matter, just change that felt truly successful. Consider what it took–perhaps determination, clarity on just what you intended with this change, commitment to it and consistency as you stuck with it, a friend encouraging you along the way, moments of success that had you willingly digging in deeper to stick it out…

Now consider this:

What if we focused less on “making our kids behave” and more on how WE want to behave, instead?

What if we focused on creating the foundation for potential change in our children? On being the positive, calming influence with our kids that can have them stepping up on their own, motivating themselves to make more productive choices? Not doing it because of the cool sparkly star they get to add to their chart, not because they get to go to Bouncy Bears as a prize, not because they now have you smiling at them instead of frowning…but really motivating their own selves because it feels good and right TO THEM from the inside out?

What if, instead of a chart for your child, you made a chart for yourself? One that included:

~ I noticed and affirmed my child today as I saw them use gentle hands, clean up, take their dish to the counter, pet the dog, buckle up in the car, use their words, play quietly, sleep soundly, tackle their homework, shut the door carefully…

~ I intentionally looked to where my child made productive choices and I let her know I noticed–“When you clean up your blocks like that, I appreciate it and it means we can get out the board game and play!” “Letting your friend know that you couldn’t play today was hard, but I can see getting your homework done is important to you.”

~ I chose to stay calm and connected to my child today, despite how she behaved…it was hard and I did it! Patience ruled!

~ I paid attention to where my child took charge of himself–by flushing the toilet, choosing her socks, deciding on which cereal he wants, remembering to pack her homework, digging out their favorite shirt from the laundry all by themselves, zipping his coat, toddling over with a sloshing cup of milk in hand to give it to me, saying NO to coming indoors to play or NO to being asked to share (yes, that is a child taking charge of themselves!)…:-)

~ I paused today and followed through calmly and consistently with just what I had promised my child (whether it was a consequence or something fun). Keeping promises is important to me!

~ I intentionally gave my child an opportunity to do things “all by herself”, to grow as an independent, capable, competent soul. Perhaps I paused and waited as I watched my little one work hard at climbing onto the chair (and discovered how, even with bumps and crashes, she DID it. All by herself!); I gave the car keys and a grocery list to the newly licensed teen in my house (that was a bit nerve-wracking…); I stepped back while my child quite gleefully dug into the dog food bag and very generously filled the dog’s bowl…no wonder our dog is overweight…

~ I deposited into my self-care account today and it felt GREAT.

Now what might be different? Just think…

…intentionally focusing on what you want more of; intentionally focusing on growing your ability to parent well. Affirming yourself all day long.

What might be different about your day? How might you feel no matter what your child chooses to do? How, with your focus on yourself, could this positively influence your child?

Try it. Write up a chart for yourself. Get a bunch of pretty stars to stick on or delicious chocolate to reward yourself as you pay attention to what you want to do differently. Real and lasting change can be yours–and it begins with you. So go put your attention on just what you want more of and pat yourself on the back often for doing just this. You deserve to feel and be affirmed. The work you do to create positive change in your family is tough, essential, and totally rewarding.

I give you STARS today! Some dark chocolate, too 🙂

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Easy to Miss, Important to Catch

March 21, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Easy to miss, important–often ESSENTIAL–to catch.

You know, those moments, seemingly inconsequential, that, if we are present and we catch them, life with our children flows more smoothly…

It is all about tipping the balance, never perfection 🙂 . As we tip the balance to catching these easy to miss moments, we can communicate “I see you. I hear you. I understand you. You are important.” When we miss them? We often (and rarely intentionally) communicate the opposite. Tipping the balance equals relationship-building. Reaching for the impossible perfection merely leaves us with the guilt we mothers are so good at feeling, undermining us once again–because, well…we will miss these moments at times.

Moments such as…

…Your toddler is happily eating her raisins, one at a time, as he rides in the grocery cart. Great! You are cruising right on through the store, gathering all you need…and then one raisin drops onto the floor. You automatically swoop down, pick it up and let your little one know, “Oops! This fell. Into the trash it goes.” And you continue on. The second raisin follows the first…maybe a third, as you continue with the same response, half paying attention because you are busy checking prices, choosing items, looking at your list.

All of a sudden the whole raisin container FLIES as your toddler flings her arms out, her back arched, her previously pleasant chatting turning to LOUD hollering. And grocery shopping comes to an end…

When we catch that moment of our toddler getting antsy, less focused, shifting in her seat and ready for a change, we are more likely to connect in a way that answers her need. “You are done with the raisins. Would you like…?” Or maybe, “I can see you are wiggling around more and more. Would you like to get out and walk a bit?” Or perhaps, “I know. This store trip is getting long, isn’t it? Let’s sing a song…”

Then you playfully sing, “Looking for the canned tomatoes, looking high and low. Going to see if we can find them, going off to buy them…” or some silly rendition that you know will bring your toddler’s attention back to just where you need it to be. It might just work long enough for you to finish; it might not. Either way, connection is at the forefront for you are fully present to all those little messages your child gives…

…You’re at the park with your child and another child runs up to say, “Wanna play?” and YES your child nods, off they run across the playground and then your child slows, glances over her shoulder, looking at you with the hesitation of “Is this okay? Am I safe? Should I keep going…?”.

When we catch that moment we find ourselves smiling, nodding, giving a little wave. And our child feels our connection; they feel our encouragement; they feel our “It’s OKAY.” Off they continue to run…or maybe they don’t. Maybe they turn around and come back to you, for they feel stronger from the inside out and ABLE to recognize how they feel and what to do. All because you caught that moment.

…Your kids are happily roaring around the house as you scramble to get dinner going so everyone can be fed on time and out the door for the night’s event. You are rather frantically mixing things, answering texts from your spouse, pushing the dog out from underfoot, and remembering the laundry that has to be switched so kids have what they need to be ready to go. You only half-hear the ramping up behind you. The “DON’T!” The “It’s MINE.” The “You better STOP!!!!” Next thing you know you have two kids fighting, crying, and tumbling all over each other to get to you. A big puddle of a mess that leaves you feeling frustrated; leaves them a wreck.

When we catch that moment of transition–when we HEAR the first “DON’T!”–and pause long enough to notice what is happening, we are more likely able to respond in such a way that our children no longer have to end up in a puddle of a mess–they will feel the connection with us that can make all the difference in the world.

Maybe it comes via an affirmation from you, “It sounds like you guys are having some trouble.” Maybe what you notice is the unfairness of one child wrecking something the other one had worked hard on and you say so. “Wow. How upsetting that is, to choose to break apart her Lego creation. She worked so hard on it.” Now you are available to let all the feelings unload in a more productive, albeit probably LOUD, way. Now you are more likely able to influence the direction this goes that allows dinner and laundry to happen, family fed and out the door without everyone becoming a total wreck. You’ve allowed connection to be felt.

What does this require from you?

***PAUSE–strengthening your PAUSE muscle so you CAN slow down–mentally if not physically–and find yourself far more aware of these moments.

***Self care. Always. Remember those little bits you can do that truly are a deposit? Keep ’em going!

***Being Tech Intentional so your devices are rarely a distraction.

***Having eyes on the back of your head and your “Mama’s Sixth Sense” ON

***Patience. Which comes from all those little self-care deposits you treat yourself with! And the PAUSE you practice 🙂

***Loads of GRACE for yourself for all the times you wish you had a do-over.

Easy to miss, important to catch. No longer inconsequential because you catch them, more often than not. Tip the balance. Let go of perfection. Here’s to you today as you work at staying tuned to all those little moments…in the long run, it is worth it.

In the long run it is truly relationship-building.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Discipline. To Suffer or Solve?

March 3, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

“Discipline is helping a child solve a problem. Punishment is making a child suffer for having a problem.” L. R. Knost.

This is a tough one for many parents. I often hear, “But he has to know it isn’t okay to throw his blocks!” “Talking back to me is unacceptable and she has to know it.” “He has to learn not to hit others!” YES to all of these!

It is HOW we then respond that determines what our child learns.

If we respond with time outs, go to your room, withdrawing every privilege under the sun in a reactive, ‘I am really mad’ way, then in what ways are they learning to solve the problem? To know within themselves what they can and cannot do? To make a better choice based on themselves instead of us–the mark of an inner directed and self-regulated person?

When we get reactive and punish, we are perhaps getting compliance in the moment, but we are also communicating that they need to behave in order for us to calm down and feel better (Whew! They behaved! I can feel like a good parent, now! Or at least RELIEVED…). And now the learning is more about how we feel, rather than learning what it feels like to them to have the blocks put away, no longer have mom’s attention until a respectful voice is used, that using words and gentle touches reaps much bigger rewards.

When we see testing, conflict, problems, misbehavior as an opportunity to walk alongside our children…

…and show them what is expected, practice with them what is a better choice, offer them our respect for what they choose to do by calmly and consistently following through with the results of their choice, NOW real learning can occur.

Brains are calmer and can process thought. The choice made is about them rather than us. The respect for the process of growth is in place. Compliance in the moment often undermines being able to manage themselves in the long run. Certainly not want we really want!

Now how might your response look?

“Blocks are for building. When you throw them, it is time to put them away.” And you follow through. Now your child has an opportunity to discover just what they think and feel about no longer having the blocks available. How THEY think and feel, not us. And we get to calmly sit through their potential upset, eventually moving them gently toward another activity…or trying again with their blocks.

“When you talk to me like that, it is hard for me to listen. When you are ready to use a respectful, kinder voice, let me know. I am interested in what you have to say.” And now you move away, put your attention to something else, and give your child the space and respect to decide for themselves if they want our attention and listening ears. Inner direction–key for successful living.

“Hitting is never okay. It hurts. I can see you are mad about your friend using your special guy. Can you use your words to let her know about your mad?” And now you are there to walk them through just how to negotiate more peacefully, to discover more about their feelings, to practice self-control, to problem solve based on THEM, rather than us. Know that you can expect to repeat this many, many times as your child figures out better ways to interact with others. Practice–it is key!

**This is what discipline is all about–guidance.**

Letting go of compliance in the moment–except for safety issues–requires us to have patience, trust in the growth process, clarity on what we really want (what kind of adult we intend to grow, what kind of relationships we intend to nurture…), and the ability to role model the respect and kindness we all hope to get from our children as they grow.

PAUSE today. Calm yourself. Consider what it is you really want your child to learn—and then step in alongside them and show them.

Put your attention to the solution, to growth, to eventual respect, kindness, compassion, self-control, inner direction.

Patience! As in all good and amazing things, it takes time. What we focus on grows.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Through the Lens of Appreciation

December 16, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

Obstinate and stubborn or Fiercely Independent?

Talking back and argumentative or Skilled Negotiator?

Shy and all-too-quiet or Astute Observer?

Cry baby and incompetent or Sensitively Aware?

How you decide to ‘look’ at your child determines

what you (and they) experience…and then influences how

you choose to respond.

Consider these:

~ Your child is the one in a group situation who hangs at the periphery seemingly not engaging at all…and it worries you, “He’s missing out!” What is different for you if you see and appreciate it as your child is an Astute Observer who is seeing and feeling lots of things you don’t notice and are unaware of–that instead of missing out, they are soaking it up? Now how might you interact with them following this ‘periphery experience’?

~ Your child falls apart at the slightest thing–and always has since infancy! You wish that she’d be less the cry baby and able to ‘handle’ what comes her way. What is different for you as you appreciate how Sensitively Aware she is of all her feelings? What might you do differently as you look at her as handling her deep feelings in just the way that works best for her?

~ Or maybe you have a child (like I did) who constantly and annoyingly negotiates with you every step of the way, throwing right back at you THEIR solutions that you often know, without a doubt, aren’t ever going to be a choice. And of course it pushes your button and you end up in an argument that keeps on escalating. What if you saw this as your child being a Skilled Negotiator working hard at learning to problem solve in effective ways…or CAN learn if you step in seeing this as the strength it can be?! (Tough, I know. I’ve been there!)

~ Perhaps it is all the eye-rolling and sarcastic comments flung at you from your teen that really pushes your button to the Nth degree…URGH! What is different when you look at it as his way of coping with all the inner turmoil teens often experience? That he is trying super hard to keep himself together in the midst of extreme ups and downs? To be in control of himself? That the Skilled Negotiator, Fiercely Independent and Sensitively Aware inner strengths are ramping up all at once? Now what might you say or do the next time sarcasm, eye-rolling, and button pushing is flung your way?

~ The off-the-wall rambunctiousness of your child after school–talking at you constantly, moving their body full speed ahead, wanting your attention and time to play with you…and you just want it to be QUIET. Why can’t they just come home and chill for a while???

What is different for you as you recognize and appreciate that your child is an extrovert, unloading the stress of school and recharging by fully engaging you? And what is different as you recognize you really are an introvert who is Sensitively Aware and needs quiet time to recharge while your child is busily recharging himself in the way that works for him…?

~ Or maybe it is the opposite–your child comes home from school and says nary two words to you, disappearing into her room at length. You are dancing around this, wanting so much to know how her day went, what homework she has, who she ate lunch with, what things are to be planned for in the next few day. What could be different if you saw your child’s retreat as her way of taking care of herself so she can be at her best? That her Sensitively Aware and Astute Observer self is stepping up as she takes herself off to recharge–and this quiet time is exactly what she needs?

I think (actually, I know) all kinds of things could be different. Different in an appreciative, affirming, relationship-building way. Different in how your child understands themselves, listens to you, cooperates, collaborates, grows in healthy ways. And this reframing (for that is what it is) can be tough. Especially in the moment. So…

What does this require of YOU?

Pausing, often. Intentionally reframing what you see. Depositing into YOUR Self-Care-Savings Account regularly. Reflecting on the kind of future adult you intend to grow. Acknowledging your own strengths–when you can be patient, calm, feel connected in relationship-building ways. Appreciating your SELF.

With practice and time, all kinds of cool things begin to happen. You will find yourself calming down, and appreciating who they are just a bit more. And as you calm down, I believe you’ll discover how you choose to respond to your child will be in ways that support and encourage and affirm them for who they are and actually grow what really are strengths that are necessary to be a future successful adult. I know what was relationship-depleting can become relationship-building, absolutely.

In return, your child can feel respected, understood, and empowered…

And now…

The child on the periphery may begin to move into the group and engage…what a way to grow their capable, competent, confident selves, able to use their strength at Astutely Observing and thrive.

The child that feels so deeply begins to understand and accept her feelings even more–allowing her to manage those feelings better and better…essential for growing well. Now their Sensitively Aware strength benefits them and all their relationships in rich and meaningful ways.

The annoying negotiator begins to feel you are on board as a team player and will begin to brainstorm solutions and truly problem solve…and now that strength at Skilled Negotiating truly steps up and can lead the way.

The eye-rolling/sarcastic stuff from your teen can lessen…and they may begin to get clearer and open up about what is really troubling them. Their Fiercely Independent selves begin to take responsibility for themselves…and that independence? Key for successful adulthood.

The introvert and extroverts feel accepted as-is, allowing them to feel recharged and able to engage in ways that work for all…what a way to nurture the Astute Observer, Skilled Negotiator, Sensitively Aware, and Fiercely Independent strengths that grow a child who is fully in charge of themselves! Self-directed and responsible. How cool is that?

And now, relationships can truly thrive!

I encourage you to try looking at the behavior that stirs up your anxiety through a lens of appreciation…

And as you switch up how you look at their behavior and appreciate what they are working hard at, notice what is different for you, for your child, how it influences a situation. As you practice this, let me know what changes for you…because things will change, this I can promise.

Appreciation. It changes lives.

With JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Prove To Your Child…

September 20, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Self-care Comment

You do not have to prove yourself as a parent.

Your child does not have to…

~ excel academically, athletically, artistically…
~ behave beautifully in the grocery store at 5:30 following a long day in daycare
~ listen the first time you tell her what needs to happen
~ show amazing manners and be polite even to Aunt Martha or the neighbor
~ never throw a tantrum
…make it into college, or even want to go to college
~ know or do (something) without being told
~ know or do (something) despite being told over and over again
~ get in the car promptly, go to bed on time, do their homework agreeably, finish their homework because you said so, sit at the dinner table nicely, use a respectful tone of voice, have their backpack ready to roll…teeth brushed…clothes on…and to school on time–WITH their homework remembered (and done).
~ get ANY thing “right” the first time…

…in order for you to feel ‘the good parent’, the parent who has done their job well, the parent who has the good kids, the smart kids, the kids who “have it together.” You do not have to prove yourself to anyone other than the children in your care.

Prove to them you will:

~ walk alongside them no matter their choices
~ accept and love them just as they are AND keep a vision of all you intend so today your actions and responses can be in alignment with just what you want the most…
~ keep it together even (and most especially) when they cannot
~ keep your promises–as often as possible and with great intention, whether it is for the treat you promised or the consequence they earned.
~ calmly and consistently and with gentle connection follow through with their choices–communicating to them they can count on what you say is what you mean and will do.
~ believe they are competent, capable, truly ABLE individuals.

Prove to them you will continually work on growing yourself to feel calm, clear, and confident in who you are so you can be your best as a parent.

Prove to them you can let go of needing them to be/think/feel the way you want them to and know you are a good parent, a parent who is doing their job well no matter how they decide to behave.

Stand true and strong in who you are for it is from there we can truly feel and be our best–no need to prove your worth by how your children behave. You are already an amazing parent, working hard at parenting well. Celebrate this!

Here’s to YOU.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

All Things Respectful To Baby

June 20, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

A story for you…

A Mama, Papa, and 5-month-old baby. Baby tucked in her car seat on her stroller (in a public place) with a rather large and colorful stuffed octopus hanging from the handle in front of her. Mama sitting next to Baby, talking on her cell and awaiting the food her husband was getting.

Baby straining her head side to side, doing everything she was capable of to avoid Mr. Octopus. Fussing followed. Back arching beginning. Mama, noticing the fussing and back arching, pushed Mr. Octopus aside and lifted Baby out and onto her lap. Baby calmed…settled…

Food arrived. Baby gets tucked back into her car seat and Mama smiles at her and hands her the scrunched up paper bag the food came in. Baby delights in it! Two chubby hands come together to explore this wonderful, plain, crunchy sounding ball of paper. Smiles and leg kicking! Then…over the side and onto the floor goes the bag. Baby strains to find it…

Mama notices…but leaves the bag on the floor and plops Mr. Octopus back in front of Baby. Baby immediately fusses, arches, looks anywhere but at Mr. Octopus. Now Papa comes to the rescue…and Baby comes back out and onto a lap and settles…

Why am I sharing this story? Mostly because of the subtleties of All Things Respectful to Baby.

We so often miss just what our babies are trying to communicate–perhaps because we are distracted, busy, or because we really don’t know what they’re trying to say to us, or because, well, we are just plain exhausted.

And really, these moments fill our days and ultimately add up to make a real difference in our relationships–and in making our job as parents easier. These little moments that seem inconsequential create, over time, the foundation and relationships we ultimately want.

The little moments in this story that I truly appreciated…

…the lap time Baby received. Being out of the car seat or any other restraint when-ever possible means more freedom of movement, more of the essential touching our babies need, more connection with important-to-them-adults.

…the smiles and bits of talking she enjoyed from her Mama and Papa. Lovely moments of real and meaningful connection.

…the simplicity of a paper bag capturing her full attention! Simple, accessible, every-day items become rich playthings for our little ones.

These are important for connecting with Baby and strengthening the bond that is so essential for growing and living well.

What could have been different?

Noticing the struggle Baby had with Mr. Octopus and then respecting it by…

…Letting Baby know, “You are done with Mr. Octopus. Let’s move him out of the way…”

…Pausing and noticing how Baby might now respond to having this toy that she was done with respectfully removed.

…Asking, “Would you like to come out and sit on my lap?” prior to hauling her out.

…Retrieving the wonderful scrunchy paper bag that she delighted in and offering it back up.

…Recognizing how the simpler an item is the more a Baby can attend to it and enjoy it.

How can this make a difference?

Mama and Papa would learn a bit more about what makes Baby tick–making their job at parenting just a bit easier.

Baby would learn a bit more about how she feels, what she likes, that she can trust her parents to understand and answer her needs. The subtle yet powerful connection that results can leave Baby calmer and feeling safer–and therefore more content.

Mama and Papa can feel the subtle yet powerful confidence in understanding and knowing a bit more about who their daughter is–less guessing and more clarity in what works to best help their little one. What a way to deposit into a healthy, solid, positive relationship. What a way to grow the trust and respect necessary for leading healthy lives.

Small moments. Seemingly inconsequential.

Yet when we can become more intentional in how we interact from a respectful place starting with our babies, what a difference this makes through the years.

And the more we can do this, the less of a big deal it is when we ARE overwhelmed, exhausted, and unable to do anything other than haul our baby out or plunk the offending toy back in front of them…

Look for the small moments today. Be intentional with how you notice and decide to respond. They add up and can make a real and positive difference for you, for your child, for your relationships. It’s in the small moments where we can, over time, make the most difference and the biggest impact. Really.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Connection vs Disconnection

June 13, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

What time do you value with your child enough that you are unwilling to be interrupted by your phone?

I asked this of my husband the other day…in terms of me, not our children. I asked, because, unwittingly, he had it in his pocket and on (and due to being hard of hearing, it is on LOUD) while we were out strolling in a bird refuge. A date. Chatting with a couple we’d just met doing something similar. His cell rang, interrupting our new-found connection with the other couple; disrupting the focus of our time together–birds and wildlife and all the conversation surrounding this.

It frustrated me. You’ll be proud, though–I paused. Actually, I just walked away fuming, but still–that’s a pause. I thought about it…it took time, for I was upset, but time I had for I had left my spouse talking on the phone he answered while I disappeared down the trail. I fumed through the “How COULD he? We finally had time together…” “He KNOWS better.” “Why couldn’t he just let it go to message???” And on and on.

I processed through the upset, thanks to the space of a PAUSE.

And I came to a more settled place, a calmer place–and focused less on him and more on myself. Yes, I was hurt and discouraged. But what is it I really wanted? What is it I truly enjoy about my time with him? What fills my bucket, has me feeling connected and loved and valued? When do we have the most fun together?

THIS brought me to my question. What time do you value with your child, spouse, friend enough that you are unwilling to be interrupted by your phone?

It is an important question.

Especially as I see parents fully embracing this digital life style and answering or checking their cells no matter where they are or what they are doing with their children. At the zoo. In the store. At the library. During piano recitals. In the car. Waiting at the doctor’s office. When juggling groceries, child, checker, payment.

Remember when (if you are old enough to remember!) we could go off to these places knowing any phone call would be on our message machine back at home–and we could tend to them then?No need to focus on all the myriad of other things in life when we were off with our children doing appointments, errands, adventures. Those other things would be waiting for us upon our return. There was enough to focus on just doing the things we were doing.

Life felt calmer, actually. Even with the million errands.

It seems inconsequential lots of times, this answering of our cell.

We’ve set our lives up to often need to answer and check and text whenever the ‘ping’ comes in, so it can be rather foreign to consider NOT doing so. But I’d like you to consider this–what message is it giving to whomever you are with and most especially your children when the phone’s disruption is allowed as just something normal and accepted, and tending to it is something we just automatically do?

I believe it sends a message of “What we are doing together isn’t as important as what’s on my phone.” “It’s okay to be constantly distracted…that’s what relating looks like.” “I’m too busy tending to my crazy life to take this time just with you…” “The phone rules…” “You aren’t valued enough to give my full presence to.”

I believe it sends a message of disrespect. Subtle, often, but there. And for children? This permeates all they do and think and feel…and then we wonder why they don’t act respectful, listen to us, stay focused on something, cooperate…

And think about this–what are you now missing when you allow your attention to be drawn from the child you are with to whatever comes through on your phone?

I’ve seen lots of little things missed…

…The wide-eyed surprise of a child as they watch a critter at the zoo and the glance to the adult to (hopefully) share this moment. And it is lost…

…The frustrated toddler trying to manage something, and the parent missing the boat entirely due to the phone–and it ending up in World War III…because children just know when we really aren’t paying attention and they know just how to get our attention

…The way a child straightens themselves up, settles into the piano bench, glances into the audience looking for the comforting and encouraging smile from a parent…and the parent is looking down at their phone.

…The comfort a child takes in holding hands as they approach something cautiously…and the hand drops away to use the phone and the child shrinks into mom or dad…while the parent absentmindedly pats them on the back, missing the emotional and physical work of their child.

…The totally delightful play between two siblings who are dashing ahead of parents down a trail. Their funny exchanges…and then their screeching to a stop to turn around and bounce their funny right off of mom or dad…but mom or dad, they are busy on their phone.

…The intense absorption of a child in a project that you are a part of because he had drug you by the hand to come watch…a good time, one might say, to check the phone–your child is absorbed. And then, when the child looks up–whether to ask for help or show something or just needing to KNOW mom or dad are still there, watching with care–they see a parent focused on a phone.

Just a few of the little things I’ve noticed that get missed.

Now a child feels disconnected, a bit at a loss, and sometimes

this often leads right to misbehavior.

They at times try even harder to engage the parent–and end up having to “catch a parent up” with what the parent had missed. Or they just fall apart. Because it is connection–honest, present connection that matters to them. Or maybe continue on with whatever it was they were doing without seeming to care. But they do.

Because these little things? They add up. Hugely.

When tended to, they make our relationships closer, more connected, filled with joy. They show us things about our children that we need to know. They allow us to go deeper in our understanding of just why our child is melting down or feeling oh-so-proud. They give us the opportunity to really KNOW our children just a little bit more. They can be what makes or breaks a moment–or an entire day–behavior wise. They are what can create the memories you relish and delight in and can feel proud about. And now you feel closer, more connected, experiencing more joy. How cool is that?

What can you do, today, to show your child you

value your time with them enough that you are unwilling to be interrupted by your phone?

Can you silence it and tuck it away, knowing you have time to tend to it in half an hour?

Can you practice leaving it in the car or at home occasionally?

Can you treat it more like a home phone and give it its place in the world–at least time wise–rather than letting it become a way of life that can undermine just the kind of relationships you intend to grow?

Just think what your child could “hear” when you say, “Let me put my phone away so I can give you and our time together my full attention.” And then you do.

I hope so. I really do. I am grateful to the increased awareness of the impact–both negative and positive–our technology driven lifestyles can have on our emotional and physical well-being. On our relationships. On our children. Our awareness is growing…our ability to be intentional about how we respond to all of it can, as well.

All I ask right now is for you to PAUSE and consider what time you value with your child (or yourself!) enough that you are unwilling to be interrupted by your phone.

And then do it.

Here’s to living well,
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

We ARE Responsible For…

April 7, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Have you ever found yourself thinking:

“Argh! My preschooler is driving me nuts!”

“It’s going to be super hard with my little one at the store–she can’t sit still and never listens to me!”

“He broke curfew! Now he’s going to be difficult to live with for a few days, not being allowed to see his friends. It’s going to be a rough go…”

“Oh man. She took such a short nap. Our afternoon is going to be miserable!”

“I’m already exhausted thinking about plowing through all that homework with my child. They hate it and so do I.”

We are responsible for the thoughts we bring into any situation. Let’s choose them with care.

Just think–as we enter into these challenging moments with our children, with our thoughts on all that we see going wrong, being hard, assuming tantrums and resistance and upset–we most likely get exactly that. Hard. Tantrums. Resistance. Upset. What we focus on grows. Whatever we put our attention on, we get more of. I don’t know about you, but when I stepped into tough times with my girls thinking the worse, I got the worst. Or, even if they surprised me and did pretty well, I was already rather emotionally depleted due to my thoughts. Hard to relish that they DID do well as I simultaneously felt DONE. Not a whole lot of fun. Certainly less productive and far from relationship-building.

We are responsible for the thoughts we bring into any situation and we need to take responsibility for them–and whatever follows as a result. Why don’t we work harder at taking care of and being intentional with what thoughts we start with? What difference this can make.

Such as intentionally deciding to use our thoughts to promote more of what we want. This starts with a pause and considering where your child does do better, work harder, listen, come home on time, etc. Let a PAUSE give you a bit of space to rest your mind on the more productive and successful times you’ve had (and sometimes these are the times you hardly notice, for your child is managing themselves well!)…and then use this awareness to help you step in and more likely create the experience you hope for right now. All by how you are thinking about things.

Try these on for size and think about how you might feel differently (and how your child might behave) as a result:

“My preschooler is exuberant! All his exponential growth is pouring out of him! Has me smiling and sighing at the same time :-). I can be patient and calm!”

“I know my little one needs lots of time to move. I know she loves to do things with me. Let’s see if I can make the store time together something she can really participate in.”

“He broke our curfew! Not seeing his friends for a few days will be tough on him. I will do my best to let him be upset. We will work through this!”

“Ahhh…too short of a nap. Let’s make our afternoon a quieter one so she is less likely to fall totally apart.”

“So much homework! What can we do to make it easier to navigate? Hmmm…”

And now? You are more likely entering into these situations feeling calmer, clearer, steadier. Maybe only a little bit more, and that’s okay. This helps you be more open to what unfolds. Creativity often steps up as you quickly re-direct your toddler at the store, offer up your exuberant preschooler just what they need to get all their BIG feelings out and expressive selves expressed, find yourself listening quietly to your very upset teen, discovering just what your school-aged child needs to focus best on homework, finding quiet time to ease your little one’s tired afternoon.

The cool thing is, instead of getting wrapped up in all that feels depleting and exhausting, you begin to see the important and wonderful growth in your child. Instead of seeing all they are doing “wrong” you begin to see all they are doing WELL or better. You will find yourself understanding your child better, appreciating the growth they are doing, and more likely discovering ways to nurture that rather than hinder it. Through the Lens of Appreciation is an article I wrote that may help you further, as you work at reframing your own thoughts about your child.

Choose your thoughts with care as you step in to respond to, guide, and be with your child. Know that this is something you can control, something that can truly make a relationship-building difference. How cool is that?

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Just LISTEN to me!

August 22, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

We want, at times quite desperately, our words alone to work–aka: Just LISTEN to me!

You know the drill:

…your preschooler gets extra lively in a public place–perhaps ‘over the top’ lively. Maybe pulling things off shelves in a store, or running pell-mell in and out of other people, or just bursting with LOUD. You find yourself saying, over and over, “Please stop. Put that back. Hold still. Be quiet. COME HERE NOW…” Over and over and over, to no avail.

...your teen is propped up in front of their computer, Facebook, chat, a favorite TV series all on at the same time. Homework and chores are looming over (your!) head. You find yourself nagging, threatening, bribing–“Get your homework done. Remember to clean the bathroom. Get off of Facebook! If you don’t get onto your jobs soon, I’m going to…” Over and over and over, to no avail.

Your child? They see it is a ticket to do it more, louder, bigger, messier, with sass, THAT tone, you name it. And your anxiety, embarrassment, frustration, and anger gets louder, bigger, messier, comes out with sass, THAT tone, you name it. Oh my, who is the adult in all of this? And things typically disintegrate further.

How would it feel to be confident your child can choose

appropriate behavior as necessary? That you can count on them to manage themselves well? That they can hear your words the first time and they ARE effective?

I’m betting it would feel absolutely wonderful if you felt confidence in both yourself and your child, in how you communicate, cooperate, collaborate. I’m betting you’d feel steadier and stronger from the inside out, and your child, too. I’m betting things would feel a bit more peaceful and positive. At least some of the time :-).

What might this take?

PAUSE. Always, always PAUSE. It really does come first and is

the foundation for all of this.

Then consider just what you really want the most. If you intend to grow a child who can, on their own, decide to listen, choose appropriate behaviors, be responsible for the choices they make, then it begins with you calming yourself down and recognizing your words alone are not enough–it is essential to say what you mean AND mean what you do. To take action.

Here’s the trick with little guys. Let PAUSE calm you down, then shove your anxiety and embarrassment out of the way, focus on your intent to help your child learn to manage themselves so maybe words alone COULD work eventually, step close to your child and perhaps:

...put your arms around them or your hand on their shoulder; kneel down to their level; maybe pick them up, rubber arms and all.

...steer them gently towards whatever the solution is–if it’s returning items to where they belong, know that you may end up doing most of the work as you gently keep them alongside you–and that’s okay.

...be willing to let them get mad; always affirm their feelings and wishes: “It makes you mad when I stop you from running pell-mell around the store. You’d like me to put you down. It’s not safe and I will hold you.” “You were having fun pulling all the cloth bags off the rack! You really don’t like it when I stop you. The bags belong on the rack…”

...be willing to let go of it all and leave the situation with your child–especially if they’ve reached the tantrum level. Now nothing you say will be heard or processed–calm connection is essential for them to regain self-control and be able to listen to you. It’s okay to head back to the car and leave the full grocery cart behind. It is equally okay to return to the store once calm has been restored–what a way to role model responsibility!

…know what can motivate them positively–-“When you calm down and we finish returning things to the shelves, I can tell you a funny story about…I can listen to your ideas…We can take daddy his lunch…” You are the expert on your child, and you know just what can help move them through a tough situation. Respect their feelings, take your time moving through the challenge, and then use what you know will have you heading the direction you want. My girls LOVED tiptoeing out to see if the ravens were splashing in all the puddles…eventually. After we worked through the MAD or SAD that was holding us up…:-)

And now you’ve communicated that your child

can count on you to keep it together no matter how they behave. That they can count on you to keep your promises and follow through with exactly what your words were saying.

What a powerful message–one that leaves a child feeling safe, able to trust you, secure in your calm connection. This is where children now can learn to manage themselves. Words alone only work when the foundation has been set via action defined by calm connection. A PAUSE allows you to be intentional with your word choice so you CAN follow through and keep your promise. Take care in your words–choose just what you really mean and will do.

Your older child or teen? Let your PAUSE give you time to reflect on just what kind of adult you want to send off into the world, find ways to calm your anxiety over their choices, be clear on what you expect. Self-care, remember? Key for being able to calm our anxiety!

Then let go. Let go of trying to control every little thing and instead consider just what it is you want your child to learn, how you want them to grow, and how best to do so. I remember well the push and pull over homework with my daughter and her finally saying, “Mom, if you keep nagging me about my homework, it’s just going to make me not do it!” And that is exactly what happens when we are caught up in reactivity–we tend to get more of just what we don’t want. I learned–and so did she. I paused, considered what I really wanted, and later went back to her with, “You are right. Homework is your responsibility and you don’t need me to remind you to do it. Here’s what I’m hoping–I ‘d like to know what your plans are to accomplish your work. That will help me be better at letting go of reminding (AKA nagging) you!”

This led to us making more of a team effort that resulted in my backing off and her stepping up. I had to let go of how she did her work (certainly not the way I’D do it!) and appreciate the fact she DID it–and my backing off gave her the message that I believed she was a capable student, able to take full responsibility for her choices (key for successful adulthood).

My words alone were not enough, the action that followed (staying quiet!) spoke volumes.

And here’s the cool thing. Our words alone CAN work--when you’ve set the foundation of trust necessary for your child to believe you. Trust built from your action. Say what you mean and mean what you do. Calmly. With connection.

Pay attention to what DOES work, right now, to use only your words–reflect on what it took to make this successful. I know my toddlers could hear, “Eyes only or one finger touches!” and be successful. It worked, because I had plenty of earlier practice with them, showing them just what I meant, following through with removing them (or the fragile item tempting them!) when they chose otherwise or offering more opportunity when they could just use eyes or one finger touches. What we focus on grows.

Consider where words alone work and consider what has led up to this success. Most likely these successes were preceded by your calm connection, respectful words, and gentle yet firm action.Reflecting on these times can empower you to move through the next “I wish my words alone would work…if they’d only listen to me…why do I have to say it over and over and over again…”…with the calm connection, clarity, and confidence your children need from you.

It takes resilience. Pausing often. Patience. A bit of creativity. Understanding of your child’s age, stage, and need. So be sure to take care of YOU along the way. Here’s something to help you along-–A Recipe for Parenting Success!

It really can make parenting easier…and definitely more joyful!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Let’s Talk Play

March 1, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, School and education, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

Let’s talk play. And schools. And all things essential for children to grow well and optimally, to THRIVE.

It’s increasingly discouraging and concerning that the “new norm” for schools and many parents is that our younger children–think preschool through 3rd grade–see “seat work” and screen technology as what SHOULD be what school and learning is all about.

Thank you to Creative Child for their poster

It isn’t.

And now I’ve recently learned how school districts have embraced play to be even LESS of a part of Kindergarten. Some to the extent of declaring NO play.

We’ve seen the push of inappropriate academics into lower and lower grades–inappropriate due to its demand for younger children to sit still longer, have incredible fine-motor skills as they navigate “seat work”, be exposed to screens regularly despite the American Academy of Pediatrics (and many early child development professionals, teachers, and the like) saying NO or LESS or ONLY within a rich, hands-on learning experience. To have shorter, if any, recess.

Here’s what I’m hearing about and seeing as a result of play–hands on, sensory and language rich, whole body and relationship based experiences–being displaced and even removed from schools:

~ 5-year-old boys being labeled ADHD because they cannot sit still at length to do this seat work being asked of them. It is normal for 5-year-old boys (and many little girls, too) to be unable to sit at length–they need to move move move. And yet, because we are demanding they SIT and have also removed much of their natural explorations via play and outdoor time (recess, dramatic play “corners”, blocks, games…), they of course are even more noticeably wiggly, distracted, “mis”-behaving, being seen as a problem and now labeled ADHD. Among other things.

~ Parents now struggling even more with their children. Think trying to get your 5 or 6-year-old to sit even MORE once they are home to do the homework they are now coming home with. Frustrations. Anger. Reactivity. Relationship depleting. Not the way to grow children excited to go to school, to learn, to be curious, creative, able to problem solve, read, etal…

~ Stress, depression, “mis” behavior increasing through the years for our children. Without the foundation of healthy living and learning, environments that support the play and exploration they need, our kids experience more and more stress on their young minds and bodies. Not a way to build for future healthy teens and adults.

~ Children labeled “behind” and needing special help if they aren’t reading when they leave Kindergarten. THIS is an entire post to be written about. Especially the HOW to “get them to read.” We’ve somehow forgotten that the average age of putting it all together reading-wise is 8. We’ve somehow forgotten that immersing them in all things literature from reading to and with them, telling stories, discovering what sparks them, giving them the respect of time and lots and lots of exposure to all things literature is often “enough.” Not always, but often. We WANT our children to WANT to read! Worth taking time to do so…

~ Teachers leaving the profession due to the continual and often detrimental choices being made by administrations that demand more and more of what many know is undermining our children’s emotional, physical, and mental health. These very teachers are the ones needed to mentor the younger teachers coming in who have often never experienced what a healthy and appropriate learning environment is for children. What it actually LOOKS like.

~ “No play” also translates to a lack of the essential and top priority social emotional growth our young children need in order to have the healthy foundation to continue through school as avid learners. THIS is essential, the social emotional–the working through feelings, friendship challenges, growing empathy and compassion, feeling meaningfully connected to others. Without this? Talk about a cracked foundation from which all else is expected to grow in solid ways.

~ Curriculum standards that are asking all teachers throughout a district to be on the exact same page in math or science or reading as every other teacher of the same grade. To expect that they can be. What a way to see our children as a mechanistic being–put in “ABC” and you’ll get out “DEF” no matter what. But they aren’t. They are humans. Sometimes they come to school hungry, sad, having lost a pet or a parent or just had nightmares and didn’t sleep or have some incredibly important story to share…and teachers WANT to be able to spend time on these important-to-children things. To pause in teaching a certain lesson at a certain time and talk about loss. Or friendships. Or listen to a child tell a story about something they saw that they are just bursting to tell. Talk about REAL and meaningful learning. Totally relationship building. And often lost in the midst of current curriculum standards.

I could go on. I often think about how test scores are driving everything, and that this translates into increasing “seat work” and decreasing or eliminating what children need plenty of time to do in order to learn well…

PLAY. Explore. Tousle. Debate. Get messy. MOVE. Create. Imagine.

Immerse themselves into play that has them feeling inspired to then draw pictures, write, tell stories, share, converse.

WANT to wait and listen because their teacher has more to tell them about something they are sparked about.

“Do” math by building with blocks, Legos, puzzles, creating patterns, counting out all the seashells, beads, bits of anything.

WANT to spend at length working on a book THEY write with their “inventive writing” and pictures and verbal telling of them.

Actually “sit still” as they get immersed in a story being read…and danced to, acted out about, discussed, laughed over.

I think about how my daughters’ first grade teacher had SO much going on in her classroom that had the kids moving around constantly (just what they needed), with hands-on experiences, lots of talk and song and activity. THEN she’d have them sit for 10-20 minutes doing “seat work”–and they COULD, because this was all it was and following so much wonderful movement. And was followed by even more “get up and go”!

I think about Steve Jobs and Bill Gates and many others who excel at all things technology (which seems to be one of the reasons so much “academia” is being pushed down, for kids to be able to “keep up” with our new world)–coming from a childhood filled with PLAY and exploration. Not screens. Not “reading by age 5.”

I think a lot (probably too much, I know!). And I encourage each and every one of you to stand strong and clear in your conviction that your children need plenty of time to PLAY. To go to a school environment rich in hands on, language and sensory rich, relationship based experiences. To have every possible opportunity to be enriched from a developmentally appropriate curriculum offered in your schools.

Let your school board know what you think. Let your school district know what you want. Be proactive. Share with other parents. Find out what others are experiencing. Talk to your children’s teachers. Stand up for the health of your children, your families, our communities.

It is essential.

Thank you for listening,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

It’s HARD To Be Positive…

February 5, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

Pause today as your buttons are pushed and the HARD gets in the way. Let go of trying to “Be positive!” It’s okay, you know, to be having one of THOSE days...or weeks…

Instead, find something you can appreciate.

Perhaps:

That you are still in-the-game despite what your kids are throwing at you. Nothing fun or positive about the resistance and ignoring and demanding that surrounds you…plenty to appreciate that you are still “in the game.” Even if you are throwing up your arms, losing your temper, or resorting to toast with peanut butter for dinner. You are still there.

The fact that your teen DOES join you at the table for dinner, even if s/he is full of eye-rolls and sarcastic responses…or no responses at all. Their physical presence counts even if their emotional presence is driving you nuts.

The persistence of your little one (a strength, really!) even if it is all about persisting with something that really isn’t okay. Like continuing to dump your potted plant’s dirt onto the floor despite your patient self stopping them and redirecting over and over again. Or NOT staying in bed and continually coming to find you when it is well past nap or bedtime. Or the back and forth grabbing and pushing as your two kids fight over who gets what–neither is really listening to the other, and both know exactly what they want. Persistence! It’s driving you crazy…

Perhaps how a friend reached out just as you felt yourself getting swallowed up by All Things Parenting. Your overwhelmed self found yourself sobbing on their shoulder…followed by feeling a sense of release, relief, and companionship. All Things Parenting will still be there, and now you have the reassurance of good company to help you through. It really does take a village to raise a parent!

Or maybe appreciate that 30 seconds you had this morning to close your eyes and breathe (and have a few sips of your coffee!) even though the rest of your day has been lost to the craziness of being everywhere for everyone and probably late…as usual. Those 30-seconds count. Think Self-Care Deposit.

Positives can be tough. Appreciations are everywhere.

Try pausing and then appreciating today as things ramp up and the last thing you can do is “Look at the positive side!” Notice what is different for you as a result…and remember, what you focus on grows 🙂

Here’s to you.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Tidbits of Positive Discipline to Help You

January 1, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Positive, gentle discipline…what is it?

~ Guidance at its best—helping children grow and learn along their own developmental timeline.

~ Guiding calmly with words and actions over and over and over again. Practice! It is essential.

~ Focusing first on the positive influence you’d like to be, rather than trying to make your child behave.

~ Respectful of the processes growth and learning are; respectful of the relationship you are intending to build.

Dynamics of positive discipline…

~ Be clear with your expectations—give your child a clear framework from which to work and learn.

~ Offer choices that puts things in your child’s control as much as possible.

~ Follow through calmly and consistently with their choice.

~ Show and ask rather than direct and demand.

~ “No” is most effective when rarely used. Save your NO!

But what if they still don’t behave?!

~ Let the consequences do the “screaming” for you—let the results of their choices speak for themselves as you provide the understanding and calm presence necessary for your child to truly learn.

~ Allow space for your child to experience the result of his choice–a PAUSE on your part, often!

~ Know that your job is to influence (instead of control) your child in such a way that s/he can decide on their own to choose more productive and positive actions. This can take time…

~ Be ready to guide them through what needs to happen, with your calm, gentle connection leading the way.

What does this require of you?

~ Endless amounts of patience and stamina!

~ Humor, creativity, ability to let go, ability to PAUSE…

~ Self-care! Do something just for you often—even if just for a few minutes.

Phrases to help you along…

~ “It’s time to head in—are you going to march down our path or wade through the deep snow?”

~ “Looks like it is too hard for you to choose, so I will choose for you.”

~ “I’d be happy to listen to you/play with you when you calm down.”

~ “We sit on our bottoms at the table. If it is too hard for you, it means you are all done with your dinner.”

~ “When you use your regular voice, I can help you.”

~ “Hitting hurts and I will stop you. We use gentle hands and our words. What is it you’d like to say?”

What you can look forward to…

~ A child who is more likely to listen, have fewer struggles, be more willing to cooperate and collaborate.

~ Respect for and from your child–-respect grown because of your calm and connected self.

~ A positive, healthier relationship with your child…something we all want.

~ A child set up to grow as a self-directed, responsible person/future adult. How cool is that?

~ A more peaceful home! At least some of the time… :-).

Be the positive, gentle influence your child needs to grow in

healthy and relationship-building ways.

Respectfully,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

I just want my child to RESPECT me

October 13, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

“I just want my child to RESPECT me!”

Respect–something we all want to see in our children. Respect for others, respect for our requests, respect in how they respond to us…just plain old respect. Life would be good, parenting easier…

The cool thing? This is something that really is all about US (something we can control!). We think it is about our children, about making them do things differently, better, more respectfully. But really, it is about us. And when you really think about this, it is all about choices (ours, as much as theirs).

Respect your child’s choice enough to let them experience the results of their choice–with you choosing to be the calm, clear, connected one no matter what they decide to do.

This is easy when they stay within the choices WE like–you know, the toddler who willingly picks one of the two warm sweaters we offer up to them on the coldest day of the year AND puts it on, the preschooler who shares happily with their buddy with play that extends all morning long, the elementary child who never says a mean word to a friend or talks behind their back, the teen who drives within the speed limit, never risks their well-being because they choose to not drink, smoke, climb treacherous mountains, break curfew…

Whew. Now we feel like good parents–for look at how well behaved our children are! So easy to stay calm, clear, and connected on our part.

But then they do something—they choose otherwise….

…to throw their food on the floor, their toy at you, to refuse all warm clothing items and tantrum on the floor

…to push and hit their buddy because their toy was grabbed from them

…to talk behind their friend’s back in unkind ways

…to drive too fast, climb treacherous mountains, stay out way too late until our anxiety hits the roof…

Yikes. Now we feel it is our job to get them to choose the right behavior, to feel the right way, to choose what WE want them to choose so we can feel better and feel the good parent we want to be–to feel RESPECTED.

And here is where respect truly can be grown.

Instead of trying to ‘get them to behave’, you PAUSE. And then calmly respect their choice enough that they can experience the result of their choice–and now they can truly learn. How does this look? Ideas for you:

~ your toddler throws their cup on the floor. You calmly pick it up, put it on the counter and say, “Cups are for drinking out of and for sitting on the table. When you throw it on the floor, you are all done. Down you go!” Calmly, gently, respectfully. What do they learn? That cups are used a certain way, that their choice to throw resulted in no more drink, that mommy isn’t swayed a bit by their behavior. You’ve treated them with respect, they’ve had an opportunity to learn and grow.

~ your preschooler hits and won’t share. You respect this choice of theirs enough that you follow through with calmly talking about what you see happening, letting her know hitting is never okay, affirming all the feelings involved, asking questions such as, “Your friend would like a turn. When you are all done, can you let her know?” or “Your friend is sad about not having a turn. What can we do to help?” Respectful, no hurry to ‘make them behave,’ and now an opportunity for your preschooler to learn a bit more about friendships, feelings…respect.

~ your elementary student hurts a friend’s feelings. Oh, the temptation to ‘fix’ this somehow! Instead, listen. Reflect back what you hear from your child. Ask questions. And affirm their upset. No need to fix–this just communicates to them our lack of confidence in their ability to navigate a tough experience. Walk alongside them as they sort through the results of their behavior. Maybe a friend gets lost along the way–and now your child has really owned and learned from the results of the choice they made to be unkind. With your calm presence through-out they are more likely to make different choices the next time around. More respectful ones.

~ your teen comes home WAY beyond the time agreed and you’ve been worried sick. Respect the choice enough to follow through with the results. Calmly, consistently, with connection. “You came home really, really late. I was really worried for I never heard from you that your plans had changed. Tomorrow I’d like you to let your friends know that you’ll be staying home.” Calmly. Even as the bedroom door slams, you can be sure you communicated respect. In time, it will make a difference .

By our choosing to be clear, calm, and connected with our child, this becomes way less about making them behave a certain way, and instead an opportunity to learn and grow from experience.

They ‘hear’ our confidence in them and their growth, they feel heard and understood, they can trust that we can keep it together even when they cannot. This builds and communicates respect. And now we’ve just role-modeled what we want more of.

So today…as challenges arise…take a deep breath (PAUSE. It is essential) and let go of needing your child to choose YOUR way. Instead, welcome their choice as an opportunity for them to experience the results and grow. No hurry–this takes time and practice. Respect the time it takes to grow a fabulous adult and be in the moment, guiding your child gently, calmly, consistently. I believe you will see real growth occur–and respect is right around the corner.

And now you really can feel the good parent you already are.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

How Many Times Do I Need to Tell You?!!

September 11, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Oh how often we find ourselves saying just this,

“How many times do I have to tell you?!”

And we get frustrated because, even after the ump-TEENTH time our kids STILL aren’t listening. Things spiral up, we find ourselves yelling, often punishing, doing whatever it takes to “get them to behave, to just LISTEN.”

Consider this…what would it take from YOU for your child to know, without a doubt, you’d only ask once or twice at best? What could be different in your household if this was the case? I believe you’d discover more of a positive flow to your day, more cooperative and collaborative children, feeling a calmer connection and definitely healthier relationships…

And children who listen. How would THAT feel?!

Credit to Bil and Jeff Keane
Family Circus

Consider the messages we give when we ask over and over again for them to listen and behave, yet never follow through with action. I believe some are:

“You don’t have to trust that what I say, I mean and will do.” “You can’t count on me, for I don’t keep my promises.” “My Mad is your fault and your responsibility!” Whew.

Probably not what you intend. And how confusing for our children. Or maybe it sounds like this, “How many times do I need to tell you?” “I don’t know…maybe 16?” For really, it IS up to US how many times we decide to ask or tell our children whatever it is we are wanting them to act upon. No wonder things begin to spiral up, get more intense, at times explode…here we are asking them to decide for us what it is WE want. Confusing!

If we intend to grow listeners and enjoy the cooperation we really can have with our children, I believe we must first focus on ourselves and become clear on just what we want.

It is then our job to say to them exactly

what we mean…and to follow through, calmly and consistently,

by doing just what we said.

When we can calmly and consistently follow through–-ask only once (maybe twice… 🙂 ?!), then step in and connect, guiding them gently–then our children begin to learn they truly can trust us, count on us, believe us when we say, “It is time to…”

We keep our promises.

What a way to role model integrity. What a way to show them what “keeping promises” means. What a way to let them know they can count on us. This can be difficult for it can mean we end up with…

…a tantruming child who is resisting in all ways possible as you calmly follow through with buckling them up–“I know, it really makes you mad when we have to get loaded up in the car to go. You’d really like to stay. I’m buckling you and then we will head on down the road!”

…removing them from a heated interaction–“You are super upset. Let’s go find a place for you to settle down and when you are feeling calmer, we can try again…”

…putting their beloved toy away–“When you keep throwing this toy, it can hurt something or someone. Time to put it up and give it and you a break….”

…saying NO to using the car (yes, teens have tantrums, too) or playing with a friend or going to a birthday party–“It really saddens you that you have to say no to your friend today. I bet when you have finished up with the work you need to do, we can make different plans. Let me know when you are ready to do so!”

The more we can PAUSE, calm ourselves,

consider what we really want for our child–what we really want them to learn–then we are better able to “ask only once”–clearly and calmly. And then follow through.

Keep your promises today. Even if it is for a lost privilege. Know that as you do so, you are role modeling for your child just what you want the most–a child who can count on you, trust in others, live with integrity.

Keep calm connection and clarity at the forefront in all you do…act-as-if when necessary…and notice what is different as a result.

If you enjoyed this article, here’s another you may find helpful: Save Your NO!

**Find PAUSE and all of Alice’s books here!**

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
www.justaskalice.org
www.denaliparentcoaching.com
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Consider Consequences…

September 5, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

I’d really like to be rid of the word “consequences.” This may be a matter of semantics, but stay with me here.

I know they are important. I know we toss that word around a lot when we are frustrated, concerned, working hard at showing our children (and perhaps adults you might know) that their actions have consequences.

This is true, I absolutely agree with that. Actions do have consequences. Yet this word “consequences?” It gets misused. It is defined quite often as punishment.

Think about this–“That child needs consequences!” Really what is being said is, “That child needs to be punished in order to learn to do it the RIGHT way, MY way, the kind, good, easy or whatever way.”

Consequences and Punishment. They just seem to mean the same to so many.

I’d like to suggest something else. I’d like to re-frame consequences as “The Results of Choices.” Results. The outcome of however our child chooses. Whether it is to earn something, pay for something, experience loss, experience joy…

Take hitting, for example.

You know, the hitting between siblings, the hit from one child to another that happens when a toy is grabbed or a buddy gets in the way or when we try to step in and help a situation. The hit from a very upset child. We know hitting isn’t okay. It certainly pushes OUR button…

Think about this. Because it pushes our button and we just want it to STOP we often find ourselves saying, “He needs to know there are consequences for hitting his sister!” Seen as a punishment, we are now stepping in making them stop, often getting upset ourselves, removing them from the situation to “Go to time out young man!” Threatening to take away privileges–“No more iPad!” “No way can you go to your friend’s party now!”; or worse, we hit them to show them how it hurts. That makes no sense and is never okay.

What do they learn? That when they hit, WE lose our temper.That their hitting or not hitting is about how WE feel, not how they feel, how the one who was hit feels, not how to express feelings appropriately. That it is all about how we react–and now their attention is way less on what we hope they can learn and WAY more on how we are reacting.

What do we WANT them to learn? That when they get upset they can use their words, come get an adult to help, take time to cool off. That gentler hands are important. We want them to learn how to cooperate, be patient, PAUSE. To manage themselves in healthy and productive ways.

So what is the Result of their Choice to Hit? That it hurts.

And that hurt causes another to be sad and upset. And when someone is sad and upset, we comfort them. We show the hitter what the hitting caused. And knowing that younger children, when they hit, are typically equally hurt inside, the result of them hitting is that we kneel down and talk with them–gently, firmly, with our full and understanding presence.

Maybe the result of their choice to hit goes further. Maybe it is that time to cool off is in order. Maybe it is showing them what they CAN hit. Maybe it is about picking up the one who got hit and heading elsewhere for a bit…putting our attention on what we want more of–less hitting, more compassion.

If we had stepped in with “CONSEQUENCES!” I’d venture to say lessons learned are way less about our child learning more about himself. When we step in as the guide through the results of their actions, so much more INNER learning goes on–and that is exactly what is needed in order to grow in healthy ways, to become a successful adult able to manage their feelings, know themselves well, build healthy relationships with others.

What does this require from us?

First and foremost, our ability to PAUSE. To consider just what we want the most, what our child needs in order to learn and grow, to calm ourselves enough that however we then respond it is done in a relationship-building way.

It requires our patience and ability to Take. Our. Time.

It asks us to take care of ourselves so our feelings of MAD or worry or frustration can be calmed and dealt with, no matter what our child decides to do. Self-care. It is essential in order to parent well.

It asks us to know our child…and to understand ages and stages so we CAN understand better what our child needs.

Today, PAUSE. Calm your self. Consider just what you want to show your child so they can learn a bit more how to manage themselves, how to sort their feelings, how to use their words. Step in alongside and show them the way.

**Let your calm and confident self create the connection your child needs so they can do the learning and growing they need the most.**

What a way to deposit into your relationship with your child.

Here’s to you today!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

No Time to PAUSE

August 3, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

So you don’t have time to PAUSE.

How could you with toddlers, preschoolers, four kids under age seven, work, a missing parenting partner, activities, meals, fights, tantrums, laundry, the dog who just threw up a pile of grass on your carpet, car-seat struggles, missing shoes and wallets and keys and spaghetti boiling over as you rush to get the door, stop your kid from falling off the bookshelf he just climbed up…add whatever current chaos is in your life…

Whew. Who would EVER have time to PAUSE in the midst of real-life parenting?

Here’s the deal. Pausing is WAY LESS about slowing yourself down to create a pause and much, much more about how pausing slows your life down.

And it is more about emotionally and mentally slowing down, rather than physically, though both happen. And the best thing? It doesn’t require YOU to slow down, first. Let that sink in. You still can go a million miles an hour…

YOU do not have to do the work at slowing in

order to create a PAUSE and feel the

steadying power it can bring.

Okay. So how does this really work? Today, when all heck is breaking loose and your buttons are pushed to the max, let your sarcastic self-talk say--“HA. And Alice thinks a pause is possible…yeah, right.”

And guess what? You’ve just paused. You’ve just created a bit of “space” between what is really yanking your chain and the response you are going to give it.

Maybe you still yell. Lose it. Say “AARGH! JUST QUIT FIGHTING.” Maybe. But you’ve created a bit of space without even knowing it. And THIS is to be noticed. Appreciated.

And repeated, for what we focus on grows.

Go write the word “PAUSE” on sticky notes and put them in key places in your house. I put it on my bathroom mirror and microwave. Another parent stuck it in his car. No matter where, do it.

And now you’ll see PAUSE. And the sarcastic self-talk will flow. Then in time you’ll notice that you HAVE created a bit of space and in that space you actually cooled your heat a notch.

It will have made a tiny difference–inside you, initially, for despite the YUCK you will realize you are better able to handle it. To let it roll. To not hang onto it and go round and round in your head over how guilty you feel or how mad you are at your kids.

Then the magic starts to occur. Your KIDS will settle a bit

faster. Listen a bit more. Be less intense as they act out. Intense, but less so. To be appreciated, believe me.

Now you’ll discover less need for your house to be filled with sticky notes, because that word, PAUSE, will sorta flash in your minds eye like a lit-up billboard. It’ll make you chuckle, now. Less sarcasm. You’ll discover you take an extra breath. Or walk away briefly. Or just stay quieter as you still rescue your child from the bookshelf, wipe up the pile of grass your dog through up, turn down the heat on the stove, let the calls go to voice mail, maybe still struggle with car-seats and missing shoes, wallets, keys…

But you’ll be a bit quieter. A bit steadier.

And calm connection will emerge…and feel

really, really amazing.

Something else that counts–just think “PAUSE” during the easy times. When kids are doing well, things feel rather under control. NOW think about how pausing looks for you and how calm connection feels. It can be so much easier to practice pausing and parenting with calm connection when things are already good.

And it counts. It will exercise that PAUSE muscle. So when the hard comes? You are less likely to blow. More likely to actually let your pause muscle flex, your ability to step in more calmly lead the way. Talk about relationship-building. All done without having to slow down and find the space to pause.

Just start with the word itself. That’s all.

Here’s to you, living your very real life and working hard at parenting well.

Alice
Author of “Parenting Inspired” and “PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection”
PCI Certified Parent Coach® and ScreamFree Certified Leader
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Our Children, Our Technology

March 11, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology Comment

“How can we think our pre-teens and teens can handle it any better? I mean, surely we don’t think, because they can navigate the technology itself better than adults, this means they can fully manage its usage, and its effects on their psyches, their relationships, their self-worth?” (Hal Runkel, screamfree)

Okay–I’m going up on that soapbox of mine (consider yourself warned!) and I invite you to step up alongside.

How we intend for our future teens and adults to manage their world begins with our little ones. This now includes a tremendous amount of technology–and is directly influenced by OUR use of technology. What we role-model from infancy on is crucial.

It really does begin with us. So…consider this:

A baby needs a present, responsive caregiver able to tune into their nuances, rhythms, needs.

When we interact with phone in hand, we are distracted at best. What does our baby “hear”? That caring for another means choosing to be interrupted, less present, our attention divided by choice. That what they need the most to grow in a healthy way is secondary to tending to our phones, texts, Face book, tweets, snapchats, instagram, you name it.

Now baby has to work harder at getting her needs met, leading to being even more fussy, unsettled, ultimately stressed-–and this interrupts healthy growth. Not what any of us intend…nor want as it just makes our job even harder.

Know that a toddler or preschooler will copy EVERY thing you do.

As you grab your phone to talk or text while driving, or eating, or out meandering through the park with them, or bathing them, or in the midst of reading books with them they learn oh-so-much about what we deem is most important in life. That being distracted and tending to digital devices rather than being present to all the richness of the world around us, to the people we are with is how we are supposed to be in this world.

No matter how hard we try to “hide” our use (sort of like those Christmas gifts we try to sneak onto the grocery cart thinking they aren’t noticing …), they see it–clearly–and are constantly filing it away in their brains as how to live and be in this world. And as with our babies, their need for a tuned in and responsive caregiver goes unmet–and you can count on behavior to ramp up . And no, this soap box moment is not about never using our phones. It is about becoming intentional with our use…fully present to whatever we are doing.

Never think an elementary child will miss the fact…

…that you are distracted by your phone when you pick them up from school tossing a “How was your day, sweetie?” over your shoulder as you text away in the front seat. And then you wonder why they ignore you, or drive you nuts trying to get your attention, or just generally act up and make the transition from school to home totally unpleasant.

OR discover, because they, too, have a device that gets them on line, how they can “interact” with all kinds of people without you even knowing they are. And then share things that would truly disappoint and even scare you. Because they can…and they don’t have the brain growth to know that they shouldn’t. Heck, what they see you do is what they think they are doing, therefore it must be okay, right?

Never think a TEEN, with a brand new drivers license…

…will decide to safely manage their phone (aka OFF or silenced and out of reach) as they navigate streets and highways just because you’ve always said what NOT to do yet rarely followed through with it yourself. Remember back when they were little and you were busily talking or texting while driving? They haven’t forgotten. Or you might find they decide that what is most important is to get lost on their screens to the point of no connection with you at all. Or take what they did as elementary students “playing around” with somewhat unhealthy on-line interactions and evolve them into what can become truly dangerous “connections.” In real time and in-person. Or the anxiety and depression that comes as teens get totally lost in all things screens to the cost of all their relationships. All very scary.

Maybe it stirs up too much anxiety for you as you consider stepping away from your phone or device.

That’s okay. Any change in our life can stir up anxiety. Taking it in small steps for short amounts of time can help. And I guarantee, over time with your commitment, you will discover things to feel oh-so-much-better.

Try it in little ways…

…commit to reading one more book to your child before answering the text you know just came in.

…try tucking your phone into your purse AND on silent while greeting your child from school or daycare.

…put your phone away as you eat lunch with your child.

…declare dinner times digital free times and slide all devices into a drawer and out of sight.

…take a paper list into the store and leave your phone in your car.

…take a real camera on your next adventure instead of using your cell phone.

…commit to finishing whatever chore or game or conversation you are in the midst of before taking a look at your phone.

That’s all. Just a few minutes at a time. What a difference it can make as you give your child your full, un-distracted attention. And then, when it is time to get back to your phone? Let your child know. And give your phone your full attention. What a way to strengthen YOUR intent on all things balanced and healthy. What a way to role-model living and relating well.

Let’s get better at managing our devices in healthy ways. You, your children, and our world deserve this.

Okay. Stepping off the soap box…thank you for listening. Hoping you’ll take action!

With respect and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

I’ve Got To Pick My Battles!

January 8, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

“I’ve got to pick my battles!”

Pretty familiar, those words. If we haven’t said it ourselves, someone else has or we’ve been given the advice to “Pick your battle!”

Whether or not to have yet another fight with your child over cleaning up their toys, being home on time, dressing appropriately, putting their laundry away, keeping their hands to themselves, listening to you (the FIRST time), packing their backpack, remembering their homework, being respectful, NOT talking back or rolling eyes or using THAT tone of voice…is worth entering into yet again. Pick, because fighting over everything is just plain exhausting.

Feels like a battle, doesn’t it?

Fighting your way through their resistance, trying to

“get the upper hand”, “win”, be respected as the adult and the parent, to just get your child to behave…

And yet…think about this. If we go into something thinking “battle” (thank you screamfree), we are now preparing ourselves for a fight––for a win/lose situation. And boy, we’ve GOT to win this one. Because, well, we are the adult and we DO know better. Right?

It becomes a battle when we are out to get our child to do it the way WE want, the way WE see it should be, and perhaps the way it really ought to be much of the time. Perhaps. It becomes a battle when we can’t handle when our child makes a choice different from what we want and we work even harder to “get them to…”

And they work harder resisting resisting resisting. Let the battle continue.

Here’s my thought. What if we let go of “battle” and instead see the behavior as an opportunity to grow rather than a problem to fix—as a chance to let our child discover a bit more about themselves? About what they like and don’t like; what they can and cannot do; what is their responsibility and what isn’t…? Key things for healthy growth and future maturity–knowing more about yourself. Now what might you do?

I think you might…

…affirm your child’s feelings in the matter, letting them process a bit via a PAUSE on your part. A PAUSE that has you working at calming yourself down, as well 🙂

…ask questions first, rather than dictate and insist, then PAUSE so you have a chance to listen and consider. What a way to show respect! What a way to learn a bit more about how your child ticks.

…be clear about what the choices are, what is expected and then PAUSE once again to give your child the opportunity to respond, consider, maybe even offer up another idea.

…then step in and follow through calmly and matter-of-factly with whatever the choice is; with whatever the result might be from the choice made.

**An example for you–homework freakout.**

Oh no. Yet another afternoon of dragging your child through their homework. A dreaded time, for your child typically falls apart, throws a fit, stomps off, laments “I can’t DO this…” THIS time is different. THIS time you let a PAUSE lead the way and you let go of it being a battle you are out to win:

You: “This really isn’t working for you, is it? Your math is HARD. You look pretty tired and frustrated right now.” Affirming and acknowledging what is happening and how they are feeling is key.

Child: “I can’t DO this! It’s TOO hard. I just want to go outside and play…”

You: “Do you think some time outside would help? I know the math needs to be turned in tomorrow…what do you think would work best for you to get it done?” Asking questions rather than telling them what to do communicates your confidence in their capable selves able to figure things out.

Child: “I want to go outside NOW. I promise I’ll do the math later…”

You: “I bet that would feel really good. Here’s the deal–dinner is in an hour. Do you want to head out to play until dinner and then tackle your homework, or would you like to get it done before dinner? If it’s done before dinner, we will have time to play a board game after we eat…” Affirming their idea, giving them a clear framework for what they can expect.

Child: “Ummm….can you let me know when I should come in and do my math to get it done before dinner? I want to play Monopoly with you later…”

You: “Okay! Go have fun. I’ll check in in half an hour.” What a way to communicate your trust in their choice and ability to manage their choice.

Here’s the key, though. In half an hour your child probably will still want to play outside. That’s still a fair choice. You get to calmly remind them that doing homework after dinner is just fine–and it means Monopoly will have to wait until tomorrow. You are holding to your clear expectations without battling with your child over how he does homework. No threats to try to get them to still come in. Just a matter-of-fact reminder of results of certain choices.

So when dinner is done and it is homework time? One of two things will probably happen:

A child willing to tackle her math because you had respected their choice all along and stayed clear and firm about expectations…(and maybe a bit of moaning and groaning and attempts at still playing a game…)

OR…

A child who melts down because they really didn’t want to miss out on Monopoly.

And here is where you get to decide what

you want most to be learned.

If it is that you are the boss and what you say is what will happen then prepare for battle and what ultimately becomes pretty relationship depleting. This usually includes yelling at them or threatening losing out of all kinds of other things, or maybe even giving in and saying yes to the game (probably furthering the likelihood that tomorrow’s homework battle will be just as difficult and fiery…) Not a whole lot learned other than fighting is the way to be or if I (the child) push enough, mom gives in. Hmmmm.

Or, PAUSE. Stick to your promise of Monopoly tomorrow since your child’s choice was homework after dinner. Let your child melt down if that’s what they need to do. Start that affirming process again. Give them space. LET GO of the homework being done…for what is the worst case scenario? They return it to school the next day not finished. And then they get to discover what that means…and they learn a bit more about what IS their responsibility.

A real opportunity to learn, for you’ve gotten YOUR reactivity out of the way. And you’ve stuck to your promise, calmly, clearly, always in connection with your child BECAUSE you were calm and matter-of-fact…willing to let them lose it a bit…giving them the safe space to discover just what the results of their choice(s) look like, what they can expect, how they feel.

This is where real learning happens. Learning that allows a child

to understand themselves a bit more.

To feel accepted. To know they can count on you to keep it together no matter how they feel. To know they can count on you to show them the way, to walk alongside, to be their guide rather than nagging dictator…:-) To ultimately learn to manage THEIR feelings and actions. To feel and know what respect looks like.

Truly relationship building.

And it is a process, this growth. It takes time, PRACTICE, do-overs a-plenty, patience, self-care on your part, clarity of the kind of future adult you are hoping to launch into the world. It takes respect–respect for your child’s individuality–that they just might decide things quite differently from you.

You are their guide along this journey of growth and life.

Let the power of calm connection lead the way as often as possible…and you will discover “I’ve got to pick my battle!” no longer needs to be a part of your vocabulary.

And what a relief that can be.

Rocky Relationships…

December 27, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

A story of contrast for you.

A national park. Steep cliffs. Overlooks accessible to anyone, with signs indicating extreme care to be taken because of the drop-offs.

A mom and a six-year-old. Let’s call her Susannah. Mom and daughter cruising around on the rocks, mom taking photos, as were all who were absorbing the incredible beauty.

Susannah, being six and curious and unable to keep her dancing feet still, bounced all over the rocky overlook. Very near the steep drop-offs. VERY near. Mom, still taking photos, calling over her shoulder, “Susannah come here. Susannah, not so close! Susannah, I want you next to me. Come here right now. Susannah, one, two, three…listen to me!”

Susannah? “I’m just stopping right here, mom! I want to go over there. Mom! Can you see me? Mom! Look at me!!”

Mom, still taking photos and calling over her shoulder for her daughter to stay closer to her–all to no avail and all to increasing concern to those others also enjoying the over look. Mom’s anxiety increased, her frustrations communicated, her anger felt…and her words continue to fly over her shoulder with no follow-through other than more words. Her daughter totally and completely ignored her words and kept vying for her attention.

(Yes, ultimately all ended well, with the child safe and sound).

Fast forward 20-minutes and to another beautiful overlook with steep cliffs and drop-offs. A father with a three-year-old sitting together out on one of the outcrops–not entirely near the edge, but still rather edgy . As he said, his wife didn’t like where they were sitting…(dads just seem to do it differently…)

Father: “See out over there? All those canyons? Water carved them. Lots and lots of water whooshed through all this rock a really long time ago and left it carved just like this.”

Three-year-old: “Daddy, I can see the WHOLE world from here!”

Daddy had his three-year-old sitting on his lap with his arms snug around her when I approached and offered to take a photo of them together, with the backdrop the intensely beautiful and deep canyons all around. He accepted, and then the two moved off their rock and offered to do the same for my husband and me.

But first, here is what he said to his preschooler:

“Honey, I need you to go up to those rocks there and sit still while I take a photo.” He watched calmly as his little one headed right over to the safe rocks to sit. “Can you look with just your eyes for a little brown lizard who might come visit while you sit still?” Eyes got BIG and his three-year-old froze on the rocks, with just her eyes moving…

A photo of my husband and me was taken, a little girl sat tight in a safe place, and daddy and she, following his thank you to her for listening and being safe, skipped hand-in-hand up the trail to their parked car.

A story of contrast.

The mom in my first story was truly letting her anxiety over wanting desperately to control Susannah without having to actually control Susannah become a very serious safety issue. Because of mom’s anxiety–as seen both by her “checking out” as she continued to focus on her camera rather than following through with her words and going to her daughter to hold her hand and keep her close–Susannah really didn’t know where she stood in the scheme of things. Mom was saying one thing and doing something entirely different.

Susannah was trying hard to get mom to

connect with her and mom was trying hard to have Susannah mind without having to do the work it requires. Ultimately, there was a complete DIS-connect.

I get this–the desire to have our children under control without doing the hard work of actually controlling them. It’s hard, this guiding them in a gently firm way to help them learn that in some places hands just need to be held, and bodies aren’t allowed to go just anywhere. I get how hard it is. It requires a commitment from us that oftentimes can be exhausting. Interruptive, even, as we try to do things that perhaps WE want to do.

I also know I was seeing a relationship that probably was rocky without the current rocks they were on.

I heard the nag factor. I heard the bribing. I heard the anxiety and fear and frustration and anger. I heard the desire for connection and attention and I saw the testing that emerged as a result of a lack of connection and attention.

And I saw how, when we try so hard to make our kids NOT do something, we actually increase the likelihood they will do it. Hence a 6-year-old dancing near the edge of a VERY steep drop-off.

Dad in the second story demonstrated exactly the

kind of relating that has a child listening, exhibiting self-control, learning–all because dad was calm, clear, and gently firm.

He knew clearly the extent he could trust his little one. He focused on calm connection. He LIVED calm connection. He spoke with quiet confidence with his daughter; he asked of her just what he knew he could expect from her. AND he kept a close and watchful eye.

His daughter? She could trust him. She could count on what he said he meant and would do. She heard his confidence in HER that he had and she wanted very much to be that capable little one he knew she could be. He never told her what NOT to do and instead told her exactly what she COULD do. And she did.

What a tribute to the

power of calm connection,

of being clear and confident

in what you do.

Or at least working towards clarity and confidence! And what a way to have me wanting even more to support, encourage, and empower each of you so you can experience more confidence, connection, cooperation and JOY in your parenting journey.

What a difference. I keep thinking about this and about how I hope Susannah’s mom finds the support and encouragement she needs in order to calm her anxiety down and feel more confident as a parent before a real crisis occurs. If I could have, I would have stepped in and offered something–perhaps my appreciation for how she was feeling, my understanding of how scary it is to see your child so near to danger. It wasn’t the time or place. And the Ranger was there, Susannah ultimately was safe.

And yet, I continue to think about this mom and her daughter, mom feeling what could only be a growing discontent in how her relationship with her daughter was unfolding.

Today, I encourage you to work hard at pausing. At acting-as-if you are calm and confident if you don’t actually feel it yet.

Recall times you have felt this way for what we focus on grows. Put your attention to letting calm connection lead the way–it is powerful. So much real learning and relationship-building things can unfold as a result! Work at it just a little bit harder today, right now, or maybe tonight when you have the support of your spouse or partner or the comfort of being home rather than out in public. Do what YOU can to slow down enough to PAUSE, settle a bit, and then respond to your button-pushing child.

No matter when you practice leading with calm connection,

know what a relationship-building difference it can make.

And know that, as you practice a PAUSE and pay attention to the calm you CAN feel, it will get easier bit by bit. What a gift to you, your child, to ALL of your relationships.

Thinking of all of you today as you strive to parent well!

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Our Response Matters

June 24, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional 2 Comments

When things get heated, testy, frustrating, maddening,

scary, grief-stricken…our response IS necessary.

HOW we respond is what matters.

Whether the heat happens in your living room, at work, in your community, during rush-hour, between your kids, you and your partner, co-workers, school board members, politicians and politics, anywhere and with/at anyone…

HOW we respond is what determines just what is learned, what kind of influence we are, whether productive and hopefully positive change occurs.

When we react–often loudly, aggressively, maddeningly, fearfully, trying to control and make and convince and stop–we tend to (and you probably see this often with your children!) stir up MORE of exactly what we are trying to stop, change, make feel safe, better, right.

Think about this. When we push back with often very similar behavior that our child (or whomever it is with) has just shown us–raised voices, rough handling, absolutes that are nearly impossible to carry through–our child either gets LOUDER, rougher, more upset, repeats over and over again the very same behavior and it just keeps escalating; or they–out of fear, often–comply. They are scared about OUR reaction and quickly do just whatever it is we are trying to get them to do.

Pretty relationship-depleting.

Nor very productive in the long-run, or the kind of positive influence we really want to be as we consider being the kind of resource and person we want our child to WANT to come back to. Especially when the going gets tough.

HOW we respond to any kind of conflict or challenge presented, no matter the “stage” (your living room, at work, on the road, in the community, country, world), will determine just what will be learned.

So…

PAUSE. Strengthen this muscle every chance you get.

PAUSE. Discover what works for YOU to calm all (or at least some of) the heat that is inside you.

Get CLEAR on just what you want the most, what you intend.

This includes thinking about what you value the most–qualities, strengths, beliefs. This includes what kind of influence YOU intend to be. This includes just what kind of adult you want to send off into the world, what kind of community you want to live in…

Step back into the situation and RESPOND (rather than react) based on what you want the MOST.

And now your calm(er) and clear(er) self will more likely say words that have a meaningful and positive impact, your actions will support your words (Integrity–what you mean you say and will do. Essential for living well), and you will more likely be listened to, cooperated or collaborated with, and most definitely will be respected. Because you are being respectful.

Sounds like a lot to do, doesn’t it? Like something you really have NO time for. And yet, if we don’t start working on our ability to control ourselves and parent, live, lead from a truly authentic place–from inside-out, clear on building healthy relationships and communities, able to be the mature adult our children and world need, then things are going to ramp up and get ever harder.

Anxiety, fear, anger will grow. And our opportunities to get stronger at being calmer will not only increase, they will overwhelm. And it really is just “easier” to react. Though all that does is spiral it up even more.

So what does it all really mean or look like?

Instead of the desire and then reaction to get your child to quit hitting his brother….what you hopefully want the MOST is your child to learn how to problem solve, negotiate, work through conflict in productive ways. The desire to quit hitting is very real. The response needs to be based on learning to work through conflict in productive ways.

Instead of just getting out the door on time, period, and doing whatever it takes to get everyone out the door on time, what you hopefully want is a child who is learning how to manage THEIR time well, what it takes to be ready to roll, how their choices ripple out to impact the rest of their day…

Instead of rescuing a struggling child as they work on something difficult (whether it is a project, a Great Big Sad, challenging friendships, bullying, learning something new, taking responsibility for the results of a choice that wasn’t so wonderful…), what you want the MOST is a child able to manage the hard of the struggle. To know they can work through feelings productively, that they can count on your calm and safe presence to unload, that they can feel capable and competent as they figure things out. That mistakes are okay. Something to learn from instead of just fix.

That is what looking to what you want the MOST is all about.

Sometimes our response seems to be no response—because we have, following a PAUSE, calmed ourselves down enough that we wait. We watch. We listen. And often discover because of our calm, observant, quiet self we are providing LESS attention to the very less-than-desirable behavior…and that behavior? It now lessens. Changes. Shifts all on its own–or seemingly so. When our response is an intentional “no” response our respectful, quiet, watchful and waiting selves have just influenced another in a positive and productive way.

Sometimes our response is quick, firm, and done with your full and respectful presence as you stop your child or another from hurting or being hurt. Those are those immediate safety concerns…and when done with the Gentle Firmness that our quick and immediate response is when from a strengthened PAUSE muscle, it stays relationship-building. Even as anxiety, fear, and the LOUD of upset take over.

HOW we respond determines what is learned…

…and it is in the HOW that can be what is essential for growing more of the good, strong, productive, relationship-building, appreciative, even positive that we want for our children, our relationships, our communities, our world.

What we focus on grows.

This testy, LOUD, reactivity? It really is way more about each of us–something we can control. Today, tomorrow, forever–work at putting your attention first within yourself and getting calm and clear. Then make your response be in the good, kind, productive, appreciative, honest, collaborative, cooperative, relationship-BUILDING direction.

Respond with calm, clear, honest intention. What a world of difference this can make.

It matters.

To help you along: It’s HARD to PAUSE

Or: How Many Times Do I Need To Tell You?

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice Hanscam
Author and Parent Coach
www.denaliparentcoaching.com

No No NO! I said NO!

June 17, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

“No no!”
“I said NO.”
“Stop that!”

“Come here to mama right now.”

“I said, come here!”

Then maybe the Arm Grab or Yank.
Or the Hand Slap or Bottom Swat.
Definitely the “ARGH! You didn’t LISTEN.”

Sound familiar?

Toddlers. Oh so trying, testing, totally terrific, too

(Preschoolers, too. Or maybe elementary. Definitely teens…and really, as you read this, know that if you have an older-than-toddler-child, it is still much the same…with tweaks, of course…)

Their job?

To be increasingly in charge of themselves (Think: future independent young adult).

To try things on for size–over and over and over again.

To see–truly SEE–if they can count on YOU to act upon what you say–and hopefully the first time.

To ask of us to be clear about what it is we want–and if we aren’t, they’ll just test us once again…to try to be SURE of what we want…

And boy, does this often get a rise out of us. Just BEHAVE. Do what I say and without a fuss (hopefully without a fuss! Which is why we say NO and STOP and Come here over and over again, hoping to avoid that fuss, because it just requires even MORE time and it can be so darn embarrassing).

Hence the repeating we do. The ARGH and Arm Yank or Hand Slap or Bottom Swat.

DISCLAIMER: Never do I recommend these EVER (except for the ARGH!).

And it begins to ramp up. We wonder why they KEEP testing us…why these often adorable, delightful, joyful little ones look us in the eye and hit or bite or ignore us once again.

Here’s the deal. These toddlers? They need us to be calm.

Consistent. Clear.

They need us to communicate with OUR words just what it is we want. They need us to show them–patiently and often–just what it is we are wanting them to do and learn and how to BE. That Arm Yank? Hand Slap? Bottom Swat? All they really teach is that it is okay to yank, slap, swat–not something we want our child doing to another, not something we should ever do.

All they really teach is that Mama or Papa do THIS when I do THAT. Not very effective for really helping a little one learn about their world or themselves. All it really does is turn their impish selves ON even more and test, act up, push your buttons–probably not what you intend to have happen!

A few ideas for you as you work on guiding your toddler in positive, productive, and healthy ways:

Describe what you see, first: “You are busy pulling all the clothes out of the drawer!” (this, after you spent all day just trying to get the laundry put away!).” Then you head over next to your toddler who is wonderfully practicing just the opposite of what she saw you doing as you put laundry away and say, “Mama just finished getting all these shirts and socks IN to the drawer! Can you plunk them back in with me? One, two, three…in they go.”

And as your toddler looks at you with that impish twinkle and runs away in circles to just come back and take armfuls back OUT of the drawer? Instead of the “NO” or the Arm Yank, Hand Slap or the Bottom Swat followed by the “I told you to stop!” try:

“It’s too hard for you to keep the clothes where they belong right now. I’m going to scoop them up and put them away.” And you can physically insert your body between drawers and toddler as you (cheerfully–or as cheerfully as possible…or maybe not cheerfully at all…) dump the clothes back in (to be folded once again at a later date–maybe), then turn to your tot and say, “Up you go and let’s check on kitty…or something outside…or a book…or…”

Now you’ve followed through with what you’ve said–that the clothes belong in the drawer. You’ve given a choice for them to join in with you—and keeping it light-hearted you are staying connected in a way that speaks loudly to a young child. You’ve stopped them without punishment and instead helped them through one of their testing moments (remember, testing is really all about US–whether we can pass their test by being calm and consistent and clear). Now they can learn a bit more about managing themselves.

Now you’ve just stepped in as the GUIDE they need…

…rather than the rather harried disciplinarian who is really more concerned about control and losing control…Okay. So what about the more extreme moments? Hitting, biting, BIG tears/screams–-the same thing goes for these.

Stop the hurting behavior with, “I will stop you from hitting/biting me, it HURTS.”

Then affirm feelings involved/describe what you see, “You are really frustrated because you’d like me to play with you and I’m so busy talking to papa.”

Offer up what it is you WANT–-and how they can participate in that: “It’s so hard to wait when I’m busy, isn’t it? Would you like me to pick you up while you wait for Papa and me to be done?”

And maybe it is about pausing in your conversation with your spouse and giving your full attention to your tot as you work at settling them down…picking them up, talking a bit…and THEN: “Papa and I need to finish talking now. Do you want me to keep holding you, or are you ready to get down and find a book to look at while you wait?”

With LESS attention on the “mis” behavior and much more on how you’d like them to move through upsetting times, you will discover real growth to occur (after you repeat a million times…!)

THIS is guiding at its best. Which means, in the long run,

a “disciplined” child–someone who CAN manage themselves, who knows what to do and how to be, who will more likely listen and respond and cooperate or collaborate.

It takes time. It takes PAUSE. It takes deep breathing, encouraging self talk, the ability to let go and step alongside and be fully present. It is hard.

And yet, it is even harder when we don’t do this–for all the yuck ramps up and as your child gets older it gets WAY more difficult. So today, when you find yourself talking across the room to your toddler trying to get them to STOP, COME, do it differently,

PAUSE, first. Consider what words to use to help your child know clearly what it is you WANT–instead of what you don’t want. Then go to them and show them.

It will pay dividends. Huge ones. And it will, most definitely, make your job easier. Really!

If you’ve enjoyed this article, here is another about toddlers: Toddlers! Totally Terrific…

And another about all-things-NO! can be found here.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author of “Parenting Inspired” and “PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection”
PCI Certified Parent Coach® and ScreamFree Certified Leader
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Save Your “NO!”

April 18, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

When we save our NOs for times of absolute necessity, our children are much more likely to listen and behave.

My mom showed me that. Save your NO. So now what? If you follow me, then you know what I’m going to say next...What we focus on grows

Here’s the deal–if we are so busy saying NO every time our child is choosing to do something we’d really rather them not do…if we are caught up in the “don’t don’t don’t”s , if we try to rely on our “no no no!” on a regular basis, then what happens is our children stop listening to us…

…and when a safety issue arises and NO is an absolute, this can become truly problematic. Not to mention the lack of respect, listening, positive growth that is missed as our “NOs” take over.

So back to what do you do? You save your NO and instead PAUSE. Consider just what it is you DO want and speak to this. Let your child know what the YES is.

Ideas for you:

Instead of “NO you can’t have your candy before lunch!”, try “Yum, your candy is good, isn’t it? After lunch you can pick a piece to eat if you like.”

Instead of “NO, don’t throw your toy cars! Quit it!”, try “Toy cars are for driving along the floor as fast as they can! These balls are perfect for throwing…”

Instead of “NO, absolutely not, you can’t spend the night at Molly’s house!” try, “You and Molly had ideas for a slumber party. When you are 8-years-old you can do sleep-overs. I wonder if having a play-date all day long might be an idea?”

Instead of “No no no! Enough with the video games! Go outside NOW!” try, “Man, you are having fun! Your 30 minutes is up playing video games. Can you find a stopping point, please? Then we can get ready to head outside for our hike…”

Instead of NO, look to what the YES is and share that.

The cool thing? The more it is a YES, or a “here is what you CAN do”, the more a child feels heard…able to grow their competent and capable self a bit more…be focused on behavior that is preferred…have their attention on possibilities rather than limitations.

And when your child STILL refuses to go in the direction you are attempting to gently guide them towards…when they persist with exactly what you don’t want? The YES in all that is your calm, consistent follow through:

“You are having a hard time driving your cars fast on the floor. You really want to throw them. I’m worried they will hurt something or someone. Up they go to the counter. After a while you can try again.” And you calmly follow through…working hard at being okay with the big feelings sure to express themselves. Allowing those feelings!

“You are really, really disappointed that you can’t have a slumber party with Molly. I know you are upset with me. I understand. I’d be mad at my mom, too, if I couldn’t have the kind of fun I wanted.” And you sit in it and let those upset feelings pour out until your daughter is ready to be receptive to other ideas…or not . Time always helps…

And all of this? It, over time and with your ability to be intentional with just what you say and then do, grows a child who can manage themselves well, feel respected and then BE respectful, listen, cooperate, discuss, figure out just what they like and don’t like and what to do about that.

They can feel capable, competent, in charge of themselves.

And when NO is an absolute, it is now way more likely to be heard and respected.

How cool is that? My Momism from G’mom. If you like this, you may like my No No NO! article…:-)

Thank you, mom, for the very real difference you made in mine and many others’ lives. I continue to learn from and grow because of you…

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Tantrums! Loud, giant, frustrating…

April 16, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

TANTRUMS. Or any and all big, giant, huge, loud, ear-splitting, eye rolling, often embarrassing and frustrating FEELINGS.

And how ever-so-difficult this can be–to manage our OWN response.

Simple, in that it is something you CAN control rather than trying to control your child…or any other human being….

Difficult–so very, very difficult–because it asks us to take an honest look at ourselves, get a “handle” on OUR often very big and overwhelming feelings, let go of feeling embarrassed, angry, sad, over-the-top frustrated…

So two thoughts for you:

1) Be gentle with your SELF.

When you find yourself responding in a less-than-wonderful way to your child’s work at learning to manage themselves, show yourself compassion. This is hard work and you will always have another opportunity to try again .

By showing yourself compassion--forgiving yourself—you are role modeling an essential piece of living well for your child. Doing so often leads to authentic apologies. Doing so leads to self-care. Doing so leads to being honest. “I blew it. I need a break. I apologize…” What a way to show your child a mature way to deal with mistakes and big feelings. Now you’ve taken what started out as relationship-depleting and made it relationship-building.

2) Greet each round of “mis” behavior as another chance to strengthen your PAUSE muscle.

To find what it takes for you to take that split second, minute, hour, (day??)…to stop and focus on yourself, first. To find some semblance of calm. To think about what your child NEEDS and what can help your child the most, right now, to learn a little bit more about managing themselves. Then, hanging on to that thread of calm you’ve managed to find, go re-connect with your child. Discover that you may just respond rather than react. Notice how it lessens the intensity of the situation–maybe just a bit, but hey, that counts. Pay attention to how, with your calm(er) self leading the way, connection happens. And with connection compassion, cooperation, collaboration, healthier communication is more likely to emerge. In time.

So remember this:

The sign of great parenting is not your child’s behavior.

It is how YOU choose to behave.

It is okay if your child loses it–even in public. It is okay if your child needs to cling onto your leg and scream as you try to leave them at school. It is okay if your child has to yell, stomp, slam, roll eyes, sob, etc. This happens. For many reasons.

And as you are increasingly able to PAUSE, you will become clearer about just what your child needs, you are more likely to connect with your child in such a way that their need is answered, and now you are in a position to positively influence them as they work at learning more about themselves, how to manage their feelings, how to express themselves more productively…how to grow in healthy, relationship-building ways.

Really.

Be gentle with yourself. Exercise your pause muscle. And always, always, re-connect.

Thank you to Synergy Parenting Resources for letting me share their poster.

Make it great today!

DON’T run, DON’T climb, DON’T whine…

April 15, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

DON’T run; DON’T climb on the table; DON’T touch; DON’T hit; don’t whine; don’t be late; don’t talk to me that way; don’t be so mean; don’t don’t don’t...and they keep on doing.

Frustrated? Exhausted? Worried??

Wondering when they’ll ever LEARN?

Here’s the deal–whatever we focus on we get more of, so choose with care what you say to your child. Make it what they CAN do and you will discover this is what you will get more of.

Ideas for you:

~ “When we are in the store, we use our walking (or tip-toeing or skipping or…) feet. I’m thinking I’m going to march along…how about you?” And then join in alongside...

~ “Okay! Time to be right alongside me so we can be safe as we cross the parking lot…would you like to hang on to my purse handle, my hand, or do you think you can walk right next to me all by yourself?”

~ “When you use your regular voice, I can listen to you; if you need to whine, the whining room is downstairs–when you are done, you are welcome to talk with me!” Or perhaps “I can tell you need something. When you can use your regular voice, I’ll be able to understand how to help you.”

~ “I know it hurt your feelings when your friend said those things to you. I bet it hurt hers, too, when you used unkind words right back. What do you think a friend could do to help in a situation like this?”

~ “Tables are for sitting at. I can tell you feel like climbing! You can climb on the couch if you’d like, or choose to sit on the chair at the table and I’ll get you your crayons…a snack…”

~ “The fragile glass is for our eyes only. Can you see the different colors in it? Let’s use one finger to touch carefully–just like that!” Or maybe, “…the glasses on the shelf belong on the shelf–would you like to choose one of your sippy cups and get a drink?”

~ “We use gentle hands on our kitty–pat-pat she likes that! Do you hear her purring? She’s telling you how good that feels…”

~ “Please be ready to go in 10 minutes–if you need some help getting your things together, let me know!” Or…”Be on time so we can stop at the store for the things you need!” And always–“…thank you for being ready to go.” (whether on time or not!).

~”Hitting me is never okay, it hurts–can you use your words to tell me what you are mad at?” Perhaps followed by “Here’s what you CAN hit in our house–the pillows, the couch, the balloon, the floor–which do you want to hit as hard as you can?” And then join in alongside...

~ “The things under the sink are for mommy and daddy only. You can have the things in this cupboard, if you’d like. Let’s peek inside and see what’s in there…!”

~ “The oven door stays closed when it is hot. You can turn on the oven light, if you’d like, and we can peek through the window together. Oooh! I wonder what we are going to see??”

~ “You know, I can hear you, but your tone is making it difficult for me to really listen. When you can use a respectful tone of voice, I’m ready to listen to you.” And then be ready to accept their attempt at saying things more respectfully…even when it still sounds on the snarky side of things...

What we focus on grows.

Spend more time letting your child know what he can do, what it is you do want. Now they can truly learn in a positive and productive direction with less conflict over time. So often we get into a battle trying to ‘make our child behave’ and this battle? If we paused, considered what we really wanted, then responded to our child based on that–there would be far fewer battles. Instead you’d have an opportunity to help your child learn a little bit more about themselves, about what they can and cannot do, about what is expected and what is their responsibility. Truly a win/win for all.

So choose today to focus on what your child CAN do in a situation. Even if it is to just sit next to you or hold tight to your hand as you navigate a less than child-friendly experience…no need to fill it with your anxiety via “don’ts!”

Fill it instead with your certainty that your child can do what is expected–over time, with your calm, connected guidance leading the way.

Here’s to letting your calm connection lead the way.

With JOY and appreciation,