Social Media

“Cooperation is entirely based on trust.” (Dalai Lama, The Book of Joy)

Trust. Confidence. Compassion. Kindness. Friendship. Cooperation. Collaboration. We are lacking so much of this in our society, it seems. Everywhere we look, read, hear about there is angst, anger, altercations. True, what we focus on grows, and one can choose to focus on where it seems to all be disintegrating and disheartening–or very simply start looking another direction and see a large population of folks building upon the foundation of trust.

I feel compelled to write about this–energized by reading The Book of Joy, by my own spiritual practice, the Light I live in and by and work at radiating out. I, too, have struggled as I get caught up in the negativity of news.

I, too, have found myself full of angst, anger, and stewing over altercations. And then I am reminded to PAUSE…and intentionally focus on kindness, Light, care and compassion. I am reminded how I have a choice as to how I look at the world.

And then the cool thing happens. I find myself caring for, being kind to–in my thoughts and, hopefully, with my actions–those who are caught up in the angst, anger, and altercations. I recognize how shaken their foundation of trust is–no matter the cause. When our trust is compromised, so much can crumble. They need love and compassion more than ever. I know it can sound almost corny, to think “that’s all they need.” And yet, in a real sense, it is. Love that speaks to affirmation of feelings, acceptance of differences, receptivity to connection. Compassion that says, “I care” whether I agree or not. Compassion that reaches out and creates a shared human experience, touches upon another, welcomes in all feelings involved.

Think about a child. It is in that first year of life that trust is established. It is an essential need to be answered for a baby–trust that their hunger is satisfied, discomfort comforted, sleep had and respected. Trust that is formed via a healthy bond with a loving, tuned-in, responsive care-giver. This is where it all begins. This is where we can lay a solid foundation for the rest of life to be lived upon–and with a solid foundation, many hardships can be managed and managed well. When that trust is compromised, distrust, reactivity, upset, angst, anger and altercations grow–and all those hardships? They become far more devastating.

It feels like this is where we are at these days. Politically. With the pandemic. The fight for a healthy earth. With anything and everything that doesn’t fit our own personal view and belief. We’ve turned into an “I’m right/you’re wrong” society. As parents, when we fall into this with our own children, it becomes a battle. Trying to make them think, feel, do as we want–win/lose situations abound. Pretty relationship depleting. Pretty devastating in the long run.

And this seems to be exactly what is happening as we get immersed in the angst, anger, and altercations. To what end? For what good? Yet there IS a lot of good here–a lot of opportunity as we pause and take time to recognize it. How we handle stress and conflicts is where our relationships are born (Stress, Conflict, and Relationships).

And that brings me to the grand opportunity we have in the midst of all the turmoil we find ourselves in.

We have the opportunity to choose how we think, feel, and react as we find ourselves in the midst of our angst, anger, and altercations. We can choose based on what I believe the majority of us want the most–a healthy, thriving world. We can choose based on the kind of relationships that leave us feeling cherished, uplifted, heard, appreciated, understood.

What does this require of us?

Pausing, first and foremost. The kind of PAUSE that creates space in your life, allows you to ponder, to become clear about what you really want, to speak the words you really mean. The kind of PAUSE that provides the self-care necessary–the time to show yourself care and compassion so you can then do so for others. PAUSE as the practice it is that can calm, center, empower. A muscle you strengthen as you actively practice pausing all through your day.

Here’s what I have come to understand as I grow my own ability to pause and live from a calmer, more centered space:

Turmoil, pain, conflict means growth and learning. They have a place. What would it be like to feel peaceful, centered, content, and joyous no matter what the world does? From this place we become better able to serve those in pain, conflict, turmoil–we grow our ability to be empathetic and compassionate, to hear and understand. And it is then we can be truly effective in this world–transformational, even. As we better serve others with understanding, compassion and acceptance they can feel safe. It is from safety, emotionally and/or physically, that growth can occur. As we become peaceful, content, certain, our true and best selves, we become available to support and empower others. We can change the world.

We each have a responsibility to better our world. To BE better. It begins with trust–within ourselves, for others, in God, nature, the Universe. From there, cooperation can emerge. And with cooperation we can heal, grow, be lifted and energized–we can be connected.

With JOY, hope, and deep gratitude for the power of PAUSE to bring the Light and love we all need, for the work of the Dalai Lama and The Book of Joy,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

“It’s not so different now. Back when I was in school I remember being embarrassed and even devastated at times over what someone said about me. I got over it.”

“Things really haven’t changed that much–kids talk behind each other’s backs just like they did when I was that age.”

“Oh those middle-school kids! They are all about embarrassing and being embarrassed. They’ll grow out of it.”

You know what? Things HAVE changed. Children often cannot “get over it” or “grow out of it.” They can’t, anymore. Because now everything is recorded, shared, snap chatted, gone viral, there for the world to see. Forever. Check out this article. It is excellent. And it is only comparing 2008 to 2018: “Middle School Misfortunes Then and Now, One Teacher’s Take”

What stands out to me is the impact smart phones and social media have on the psyches of our children (and us!).

Consider these:

~ The dopamine hit that causes addiction like behavior–replaying and replaying what is so hurtful when you are the one hurt; refreshing and refreshing if you are the one doing the hurting–how many likes does my video or photo have NOW?

~ The inability to remove yourself successfully from all things embarrassing and letting your feelings process and dissipate. Instead of “time will make it better” it becomes “time amplifies and magnifies.”

~ Instead of choosing whom you want to share your experience with and when you want to do so, it is decided for you. Over and over and over again as something is shared online.

~ The lack of a “safe haven” that home ought to be–once you get home after school, you’re supposed to be able to breathe a sigh of relief, for you are away from all that happened at school. No more–for with all the devices now at home and family members equally engulfed by them, your school life has become your home life. There can be no safe space once something is online, shared, forwarded from one person to the next.

~ The greater divide that unfolds between the child hurt and embarrassed by being the subject of derisive social media posts and the child whose addiction to getting more and more likes. The first, as they seek to feel better by being “liked” or “followed” is sinking deeper into what feels like and often becomes rejection followed by depression; the second becomes bolstered towards bullying and often without understanding what they are doing, for their attention is on feeling good. All via “likes” and “follows.”

~ No longer having the respite family creates, for so often you come home to the disconnection caused by each member equally involved with devices. No wonder children can end up even further down this rabbit hole of social media and devices–if family life no longer offers the support, presence, “safe haven” from all the upsetting middle-school (and teen and elementary, too!) experiences, then the hurt child and the instigator child have no buffer necessary for processing, growing, learning. For emotional wellness.

Things ARE different. Our children need us

to do better so they can, too.

Directly from the author (Benjamin Conlon) of the article:

Smart phone and social media have “fundamentally altered how children interact with the world and not in a good way. We can change that. In addition to the “Wait Until 8th” pledge, consider taking the following steps to help your children reclaim childhood:

Propose that administrators and teachers stop using social media for school related purposes. In many districts teachers are encouraged to employ Twitter and Instagram for classroom updates. This is a bad thing. It normalizes the process of posting content without consent and teaches children that everything exciting is best viewed through a recording iPhone. It also reinforces the notion that ‘likes’ determine value. Rather than reading tweets from your child’s teacher, talk to your children each day. Ask what’s going on in school. They’ll appreciate it.
Insist that technology education include a unit on phone etiquette, the dark sides of social media and the long-term ramifications of posting online. Make sure students hear from individuals who have unwittingly and unwillingly been turned into viral videos.
Tell your children stories from your own childhood. Point out how few of them could have happened if smartphones had been around. Remind your children that they will some day grow up and want stories of their own. An afternoon spent online doesn’t make for very good one.
Teach your children that boredom is important. They should be bored. Leonardo Da Vinci was bored. So was Einstein. Boredom breeds creativity and new ideas and experiences. Cherish boredom.
Remind them that, as the saying goes, adventures don’t come calling like unexpected cousins. They have to be found. Tell them to go outside and explore the real world. Childhood is fleeting. It shouldn’t be spent staring at a screen.” (Benjamin Conlon)

YES. To all of what he writes. Wait until Eighth. Wait longer if you can. Protect your child’s health and well-being and give them the gift of a social-media, smart-phone-free childhood for as long as possible–at minimum in your own home.

Check out my article, Keeping Our Children Safe. Check out another article about the importance of being bored and empty spaces right here.

Things ARE different for our children in this age of social media. What isn’t different is how each and every one of us work hard at parenting well, wanting the best for our children, striving always to grow healthy, happy, successful future adults. Feel encouraged by connecting with other parents, sharing your own concerns, as well as what works in your family, and become the village our children and each of us need for ensuring healthy childhoods and lives. We are all worth it.

A community to join to find support, encouragement, research, and more: The Screen Time Action Network.

With appreciation and HOPE,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach