Discipline and Guidance

Category: Discipline and Guidance

What TO Do Instead of a Screen?

June 20, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional 4 Comments

Once again, we are becoming increasingly aware of the damage screen time can have on developing brains. (World Health Organization’s strict new guidelines–read them here)

You hear it from me and many, many others. And it is very real–the delay in cognitive development, the lagging behind of language acquisition, the brain development that is displaced, delayed, discouraged, the lack of ever-so-key self regulation, of managing in healthy ways all those feelings in life.

All due to the lack of hands on, sensory and language rich,

relationship based, whole body experiences. The way young children LEARN and grow. Optimally.

You know what I’m truly concerned about? How to help each of YOU, who perhaps have come to rely on screens to distract and entertain as you, exhausted, sick, feeling like you are drowning and with no extra moment in your day what-so-ever, have relied on a screen so you can at least…

...breathe for a moment. Cook a meal. Use the bathroom by yourself. Talk with someone. Think. Sleep. Feel relieved because your child isn’t crying, screaming, hitting, driving you nuts. Drive safely. Arrive in one piece (more or less…. 🙂 ). Catch up on the overwhelming pile of laundry. Get dressed for work. DO work. Maybe even have a bit of adult conversation? With your partner?

I think about how, up until about 15 or so years ago (okay, maybe 20 or 25…), the only real screen we had to “rely” on was TV. And yet, in our family, TV was rarely used in those first few years, and pretty much limited to 30-minutes a day until in elementary school. And those 30-minutes were usually PBS shows such as Mister Rogers and Reading Rainbow. Totally awesome, by the way. Often watched WITH us rather than used for me to get something done.

And I can remember so much of what we DID do, instead of “relying” on TV, as we needed to find the time, space, relief in order to keep things going in our family. It is these I’d like to share…for I’m thinking many of you don’t have them in your repertoire because you’ve grown up with screens being the default. With so much information coming out about the detriment of screens for our young (and older!) children, how do you accomplish the seemingly impossible and only use screens minimally?

Ideas for you as you work at juggling the HARD of life:

…Try putting your upset baby or toddler into a backpack and onto your back while you cook dinner or tend to other things that need two hands. Now they are close to you, you can talk and sing a bit, offer them a snack, reach up and touch them. All the while taking care of work around the house. Connection. It can be made in many ways and it speaks volumes to your little one.

…Spend those first minutes home from work and daycare on the floor with your little one(s). Maybe shedding outdoor gear together. Maybe just staying quiet and watching them re-connect with home. Maybe stretched out on the floor with them climbing on you. Or reading a book together or staying out in the yard for some fresh air before you even head into the house.

Those minutes? Fully present to your little one? It answers their need for your connection during this transition. It buys YOU time afterwords, for they will more likely be calmer and engaged with helping you or exploring their books and toys. When they can count on a fully present parent helping them, first and foremost, with their transition home after a long day, those transitions become smoother. And THIS can give you the time you need.

…Have healthy snacks in the car for pick up after daycare and en-route home. That way your little one won’t be so hungry and at the end of their rope upon arrival at home. We always had apples, raisins, cheese, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, yogurt…something easy to eat while tucked in a car seat. Yes, it can leave mess behind. Yet what a small price to pay that made our transition home go so much more smoothly. Now hunger wasn’t a part of it all AND what they ate was good for them, so I was less concerned about “ruining dinner.”

…Trying desperately to wrap up some work? A call? An email? Again, start with a moment of real connection. Sometimes just a few minutes of your full attention, asking your little one what they need, engaging with them is all it takes to give you the space you need to wrap up your work. And if they still are upset and you KNOW their physical needs have been met? Then let them know you hear them, they can stay near (maybe up in that backpack on your back!), and when you finish, you will tend to them once again. And then you do. Always keep your promises.

…In the car stuck in traffic or on a longer road trip? Oh the simple games to engage them with! What is seen out the window, in the sky; what they can anticipate at the NEXT stop sign, if they can see-see-see the scoop shovel dig-dig-digging. A snack to eat, a song to sing, books to look at. Play music! Or…just be quiet and let your child be upset as you breathe breathe breathe.

…Get creative with play–Let your toddler have a bowl, spoon, flour, and a bit of water to mix. Or maybe a few cheerios and water. It really doesn’t take much to provide your child with something they often find ever-so-captivating. At least for a moment or two. Sometimes up at the counter next to you with these same items or a squishy sponge or even just a cup of their own to drink is the connection they need while you tend to your responsibilities next to them.

We liked to fill a saucepan with a few kitchen items–measuring spoons and cups for instance–then on went the lid, down we plunked it in the middle of the kitchen floor and then I could turn back to tending the dinner.

Sometimes all we did was turn on a flashlight and hand it to our toddler or preschooler.Or a magnifying glass–that really got their attention as they focused on making things look BIG 🙂

Putting a blanket over the table or a pair of chairs and hiding a favorite stuffed toy and a few books underneath caught my daughters’ attention immediately. As did lining up a few of their toy animals in a parade underneath that blanket.

A doll with a washcloth and a small tub with a tiny bit of water in it (a TINY bit if you want the mess to be minimal) has many young toddlers fascinated.

Have play dough available. Ever so soothing. Squish and poke and roll right up at the counter with you or settled in a high-chair or kitchen table.

A favorite for many is putting music on–what you can sing to, soothing if necessary, or to bop around the house getting things done. Or try an audio book for your child to tune into…and for you to talk about, too, as you move about the house.

Have paper and markers or crayons ready to roll. Or a collection of paper bags for them to scrunch, fill, dump, roll, wear. Scotch tape is a fun addition!

All of this? It requires a few things from you.

Letting go of various stages of MESS (or getting extra amazing at choosing things that leave no mess!). Simplifying meals. Being okay in Big Feelings. Being tired and knowing it really is temporary. Maybe a long temporary, and still temporary . It requires you to trust yourself, your child, the chaos for what it is–just chaos. It asks you to take MANY deep breaths. Many.

The cool thing? With your attempts to minimize screens, you will discover it can get easier. Easier because your children are more in charge of themselves, tapping into their creativity and imagination, feeling in connection with YOU, learning and growing and managing all their feelings in healthy and productive ways. And as our kids grow these abilities, our job actually gets easier because they become increasingly independent in amazing and necessary ways. Our children are growing well.

Then when all bets are off, exhaustion is too over the top, life is absolutely insane…a screen is okay.

Now using a screen is a treat, limited, useful, and no longer displacing all the hands-on, sensory and language rich, relationship based, whole body experiences our children need in order to grow well.

I hope you will share right here what works in your family to manage through the chaos without relying on a screen. Share your successes, your attempts, anything that you’ve done to minimize screens and maximize GROWTH. A valuable resource for you is the Children’s ScreenTime Network. And find even more ideas here: MORE of What TO Do Instead of a Screen.

Sometimes it is the littlest thing that can make the biggest difference for a parent.

With appreciation and JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

“I can’t DO it!”

June 9, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

A story to share–and oh, how I love stories!

In my care a four, seven, and thirteen year old. The two older ones at the table, totally focused on homework and projects. The 4-year-old–Mr. N I’ll call him–immersed in Lego on the floor. Me? Preparing after-school snacks.

Mr. N, tending toward having things ‘just so’ in life, couldn’t get his Lego plane to look just like he wanted. The whine was the first sign:

“Aaaaliiiccce! I can’t DO it. It doesn’t LOOK right…” Here we go…something that we’d done before and I’m sure would do again.

Me: “You sound frustrated!”

Mr. N: “I can’t DOOOOOOOOOOO it!” Escalating rapidly.

Me: “Can I help?

Mr. N: (Now flopping on floor), “NO. NObody can. I can’t DO it…”

And his half-constructed plane is thrown across the floor, busting all to pieces, and the wailing and screaming that followed was to be admired for its intensity

Okay…so here is where we all find ourselves at some point in our parenting journey–and most likely quite often, depending on age and stage of kids. Here is where I’d like to say how calm and matter-of-fact I felt as I let Mr. N know it is time to take a break and calm down. This is where I’d like to tell you how easily he complied by gathering himself up and snuggling on the couch and quickly pulling himself together to go try again.

I’d like to be able to say that. But the reality? It looked a bit different. I felt my temperature rise…the words going through my head: “Argh! Mr. N is doing it again! Throwing a tantrum over the littlest thing! And the other two kids are trying to work. When is he going to learn? How can I get him to STOP????”

I did have the where-with-all to act-as-if I felt calm and matter of fact. It helped that I had a 7 and 13-year-old watching me intently, and role modeling for them was important to me. Take whatever works to (pretend to) do it well! I do believe that really was my first PAUSE.

Me, with clenched teeth and an extra firm tone of voice–the best I could do in the moment:

“Mr N, you are having a hard time. Your screaming is making it difficult for the girls to do their work. Time to go downstairs until you are calmer and ready to try again.” Sounds good, right? It was–even if I did feel angry, myself. Self-control–a strength!

Mr N had no ability to pick himself up and head downstairs–too busy wailing and flailing. I picked him up working hard at containing MY anger. Thank goodness for the two sets of eyes watching my every move–another PAUSE of sorts. Off we went down to his room in my house screaming away. I plunked him down and said, “When you have calmed down, we can try again.”

And here is where I can honestly say I did well.

Mr N is screaming and flailing and I found myself sitting sideways in the doorway. I knew from previous experiences that closing the door just added to the turmoil via kicking…and I knew for certain my visible nearness helped him feel connected–even in the midst of doing anything he could to push me away. Connection is key.

I sat myself down and averted my eyes. I kept Mr N company–quietly and respectfully. I stayed connected and available. I paused. Okay, so I plugged my ears for awhile, as well. And breathed. And wished for him to calm down SOON so we could move on…

Thirty minutes later (yes, thirty minutes–I had quite the time to PAUSE in that doorway!) as his screams had turned to sobs, I found I could interject (you know, in-between sobs when they try to catch their breath?) “I hear you are working at calming down. When you are ready, we can head back upstairs and try again.” Mr N knew he could have my lap if he wanted (he didn’t), he knew I wouldn’t leave…and I respected his choice to pull himself together ‘on his own.’

Then something magic happened.

Truly magic. Down the stairs came my kitty cat–“Mew, mew, mew.” I swear to you, she came down to check on Mr N and all the commotion–she really was! And I used it: “Yoda kitty! You are worried about Mr N! You are here to see how you can help.” And I picked up my fuzzy little kitty and plunked her in the room with my sobbing little friend. Mr N wrapped his arms around Yoda kitty (Yoda was not one to be snuggled, yet this time? She obliged..) and breathed in her soft fur.

Mr N, “Yoda, I love you. Yoda, I’m sad. Oh, Yoda…” And he totally calmed down. Within a minute or so he said, “I’m ready to go upstairs!” I said, “You worked hard at calming yourself down and Yoda kitty came to help!” Off we went, Lego plane was gathered up and re-built, snacks were had, and all was peaceful. Really!

Tantrums. They are tough. What worked for me?

Acting as if. Having other eyes a-watching me. Knowing that Mr N needed time and space to gather himself and respecting his way of working through it all. Staying near and available. Pausing–maybe not initially, but in the end, my staying near Mr N gave me the gift of a pause so I really could feel calm. And in turn, this gave Mr N the PAUSE he needed to feel the same. Kitty cat included.

There’s my story for you. One of many. Maybe I’ll share the 13-year-old tantrum of my daughter’s another day. Really, this is a journey we are all on–it is meant for our growth as much as it is our children’s. Respect this. Welcome every challenge and conflict as an opportunity to become a better you. Always appreciate the parts that ARE working for you–for what we focus on grows. Know you have lots of good company along this journey as a parent!

Me? I am forever grateful to Yoda kitty. She has managed to change the tune of many upset moments. Mine as well as others! Mr N? He is now 12 and builds incredible Lego planes–he shared the fleet of planes he created recently. You know what he said? “Alice, I don’t care if they look just right anymore. Look what I built, just for fun!” And he was glowing.

That made all the past tantrums worth it. More about tantrums here: Tantrums! Loud, Giant, Frustrating…

Here’s to more peace in your household!

Enjoy.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2016 Alice Hanscam

When BIG Feelings Erupt: Story Time!

May 14, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

A story for you…

You know those LOUD, often whiny or disrespectful tones of voices, the mad and sad and over-the-top glad that has you feeling exhausted, frustrated, equally mad and sad and over-the-top glad? The BIG feelings you just wish would go away?

A parent recently shared her frustration over her 8-year-old son and all the BIG feelings erupting…and her desire to feel far calmer and more content in all things family.

Her story–just one example of what seemed to fill her days–was how her son the other day FLIPPED OUT over thinking he wouldn’t get the treat promised him because the coffee shop they went to for the treat only had one left and his younger sister loudly proclaimed “It’s MINE!”

Mom found herself reactively scolding her son to “Cool your jets!” and “Use a polite voice!” Totally understandable–just think, in a small and busy coffee shop, all eyes upon you, and all you want is to get your child to STOP.

Yet her intent to get him to be quieter and more polite done from this reactive place actually stirred things up even more and left them feeling all rather crummy.

No real learning, just an unresolved conflict and upset folks.

She knew she wanted to do it differently. She knew she COULD do it differently and in a way that was relationship building.

Talking together had us walking through a do-over (essential for practicing and strengthening yourself), with calm connection and feeling content leading the way. Mom began thinking about what she could do the next time an eruption occurred (possibly not long after we finished our conversation…).

She was clear that she wanted to respectfully help her son learn to manage his feelings–always what big feelings gives us the opportunity for, guiding our kids in such a way they can learn more about how to express all the feelings that pour out of them.

Here’s what she realized:

…PAUSE, first and foremost, and breathe. Think, “calm connection” and “I have an opportunity to help him through this respectfully…” Encouraging self-talk is a strength to rely on. It makes a difference.

…Affirm his feelings, “Wow. You are super upset! Do you think you can’t have the treat I promised you?”

…Ask questions, “Ahhh. I see there is only one treat left here…I get it. There are TWO of you–and boy, your sister sounds like she really, really wants it all to herself! Hmmm…do you guys have some ideas for figuring this out?”

...Give a clear framework, “What a good idea, you two can split it (or we can head to another coffee shop). When you are feeling calmer and ready to use your regular tone of voice, we will do this!”

...Stay lighthearted as best as possible

Now the interaction can become an opportunity

for real learning. For relationship building. For respect and teamwork and understanding to step up.

And believe it or not, that initial embarrassment over a public fit? It dissipates. Your focus is on yourself and your child rather than all the eyes you initially felt were upon you, connection is encouraged and often maintained, and you can feel good and proud of yourself for how you handled it all.

To heck with embarrassment! Now you’ve just role-modeled for all what respect looks like no matter how your child decides to behave .

This mom? She took herself through this mental do-over with a great big AHA feeling all the way through. This she knows she can do, for she has done it many times before…it just takes practice and a pause. She knows how her son responds so much better when she is calm, clear, and connected. She has seen how naming and affirming feelings goes a long way for her son to feel relieved, heard, and more in control of himself. And she knows, because she has ‘been there,’ that she CAN stay calm even if her son still decides to flip out.

What a difference that can make.

**Find PAUSE and all of Alice’s books here!**

Start with a PAUSE when you find yourself in one of THOSE situations. Focus on the calm connection you intend, on the successes you have had. And then tell me what you notice is different. I think you will like what you see, for what we focus on grows. And check out either or both my books to help you along…

Here’s to BIG feelings and the power of PAUSE!

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

You are not responsible FOR your child…

April 22, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

You are not responsible FOR your children.

Stay with me, here. I know this raises a few eyebrows! All that I’m about to share comes from my growth through reading and presenting what I found to be one of the most positively impactful parenting books I’ve come across– ScreamFree Parenting, by Hal Runkel.

If you are responsible FOR your children, then you need to start right now in getting them to think, feel, and behave in the ‘right’ ways.

When they make a mistake, struggle, hurt another–if you are responsible FOR them, then you need to somehow fix their mistake, stop their struggle, make them be gentle and kind. All good, important, even necessary things for us to want for our children.

When we are responsible for our kids we are
trying to get them to think, feel, and behave a certain way usually so WE can feel better.

And yes, it may be a benefit to them to think, feel and behave as we’d like–we are the older and wiser person here. And we certainly don’t want our kids to 1) make the same mistakes we did because it really was painful for us, 2) make any mistake that might leave US in an awkward or upsetting position, and 3) do it differently from us because we do know better and are right. Right?

We care deeply for our children. We want the best for them. Hence, this really can be way more about our anxiety. Our attempt to get our child to think, feel, and behave a certain way (our way) often ends up undermining our relationship–never what any of us intend; it often ends up creating a LOUD and button-pushing household (often just what we are trying to avoid!), and certainly doesn’t help grow a child who can be responsible for themselves. Why should they, if we keep taking responsibility for them?!

What does being responsible FOR your child look like? Nagging, yelling, threatening, cajoling, avoiding, bribing…things we all do at times and I know I still catch myself doing (yep, even with adult children…:-)): “If they’d only…then I wouldn’t have to…” “Man! If I can get them to just listen to me then they wouldn’t have to (be hurt, embarrassed, fail…).”

We step into this ‘responsible for’ place because now we can or want to feel like a good parent, less embarrassed, in control, relieved…and NOT taking responsibility for them in the moment often means now dealing with our feeling like a failure, thoroughly embarrassed, totally anxious, even heartbroken. Never a whole lot of fun, and often very difficult–managing our own feelings. Hence our inclination to jump in and take responsibility for them…

It can sound like “Cut it out or I’m going to lose it!” “Ok, ok, you can have another cookie, just stop whining.” “If you’d only listened to me you wouldn’t be having this problem!” “Here, let me do it for you. It’s too hard. I don’t want you to mess up…”

It may be doing whatever it takes so they’ll get straight A’s and we can feel “I’ve done my job well; I have a smart kid; I’m a good parent; they’ll be sure to head to a good college.” Whew. Wouldn’t that make things easier? It may be doing whatever it takes to stop them from throwing a fit so you don’t feel embarrassed and instead feel in control. Ever tried making a tantruming preschooler stop? Exhausting and rarely on OUR preferred timeline :-). Or how about a tantruming teen? They are even tougher to try to make stop…

Here’s the deal.

What our kids’ ‘hear’ when we are busy taking responsibility for them is we do not have confidence in their abilities to learn and manage themselves; we cannot handle how THEY feel or behave.

Talk about rocking their world–to have the most mature person unable to handle the least mature one’s thoughts, feelings, or actions.And this often leaves US reacting in less than wonderful ways. “If they’d only get over it…cut it out…quit feeling so mad…stop all that blubbering!” Or maybe we are doing just the opposite–doing whatever we can to make them feel happy again, or doing whatever we can to make sure they don’t fall down, get hurt, lose…anything so they’ll be okay.

As a result a child may act up and push even harder to have a bit of control over their lives. Or maybe now they really don’t NEED to manage whatever the problem or struggle is, because we are so busy (and probably simultaneously complaining about) doing it for them–compliance can look this way. Or maybe they learn that treats are how to feel happy again…or perhaps never learn how to manage disappointment or an injury because we’ve always been there to rescue them, make it all “okay.”

Or maybe we are so mad because we can’t successfully get them to do what it is we want them to do or how to do it or how to feel about it that our child hides out of fear…or gives in just to (hopefully) get us to quit being so upset. Compliance can look this way, too. Crazy, isn’t it, when you think about this? And part of so many relationship struggles in our lives. Truly relationship depleting and exhausting. We do it as parents, and we do it in our marriages and friendships, too. Yes, I STILL do it, though, thankfully I’ve tipped the balance towards being responsible TO.

However…even as we are not responsible FOR our kids, we DO have tremendous responsibility as parents.

We are responsible TO our children.

We are responsible TO them for how we structure their environment–both physically and emotionally; for how we understand child development, ages and stages, their needs and how we answer those needs; and perhaps most importantly…we are responsible TO them for how WE think, feel, and behave.

When we act responsible TO our children, we are focused first on ourselves (via a PAUSE, quite often!), we are in charge of how WE think, feel, and behave rather than putting all our attention on how our children are doing the same; we take care of our own anxious feelings so those feelings are less likely to ‘lead the way’ in situations–which, with anxious feelings calmed down, leads to way more relationship building interactions. Even when that interaction is a NO.

It leads to truly being intentional with how we
decide to be, to feel, to act.

Now we have an opportunity to be in a position to positively influence our children to learn on their own and to motivate themselves to make healthier choices. To take responsibility for themselves. Key for growing well and into a healthy adulthood.

Now our children ‘hear’ our confidence in them, our respect for how they think and feel…they can now count on us to keep it together no matter what they do. This is where trust is built and respect nurtured…and this is how children can learn through the years to take responsibility for themselves.

You are responsible to your child. To be the adult they need you to be, to understand and trust in who your child is becoming, to give them real opportunity to learn about themselves, what they like and don’t like, what they can and cannot do…to grow optimally.

PAUSE. And step back today and consider first if the way you want to react is based on anxious feelings, on trying to get them to behave the ‘right’ way…or if you can instead calm your own anxiety, appreciate your deep love and concern for them, and then look at the person you are growing and intending to grow, and respond in such a way they can take a little more charge of their own selves and feel capable, respected, trusted.

This parenting deal? It is a huge, difficult, incredibly rewarding growth process for all involved. Keep your attention on what you want the most–self-directed, responsible, awesome future adults and caring relationships based on trust and respect. Easier said than done and it all begins with awareness. You can do it.

Let a PAUSE lead the way.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Chore Charts, Behavior Charts, Sticker Charts, Oh My!

March 30, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Noticed and Appreciated, Self-care Comment

Chore charts. Behavior charts. Daily charts. Charts with stickers, charts with toys or adventures to earn, charts to show the order of the day. Charts, charts, and more charts.

We work so hard at getting our children to behave!

We attempt all kinds of systems to change their behavior in positive ways–charts being pretty common and tried by many of us, I’m certain. And they can work…for awhile.

Funny, though, how either we begin to fade away from following through with them (“Geez! I’ve forgotten to let my child put stickers on all he’s done!”) or our children–after the initial days of total excitement over stickers, check marks, rewards to look forward to–begin to ignore it…resort back to ignoring you and your requests…leave the dog unfed, resist brushing their teeth, no longer care about the cool toy that is promised. That well thought out chart? It just doesn’t cut it anymore.

Change. It is difficult to create and maintain.

Just think about that diet you put yourself on to lose a few pounds or how you decided to truly stay on top of a house project or how you swore you were going to start cooking from scratch more and more often. Just think about how these vows to create the change you know could be beneficial for you sort of went out the window fairly quickly…and the old ways stuck.

Change in our children requires us to focus on ourselves first and foremost. Consider where real and lasting change has occurred with your children, in your life, work related, school related, relationship related. No matter, just change that felt truly successful. Consider what it took–perhaps determination, clarity on just what you intended with this change, commitment to it and consistency as you stuck with it, a friend encouraging you along the way, moments of success that had you willingly digging in deeper to stick it out…

Now consider this:

What if we focused less on “making our kids behave” and more on how WE want to behave, instead?

What if we focused on creating the foundation for potential change in our children? On being the positive, calming influence with our kids that can have them stepping up on their own, motivating themselves to make more productive choices? Not doing it because of the cool sparkly star they get to add to their chart, not because they get to go to Bouncy Bears as a prize, not because they now have you smiling at them instead of frowning…but really motivating their own selves because it feels good and right TO THEM from the inside out?

What if, instead of a chart for your child, you made a chart for yourself? One that included:

~ I noticed and affirmed my child today as I saw them use gentle hands, clean up, take their dish to the counter, pet the dog, buckle up in the car, use their words, play quietly, sleep soundly, tackle their homework, shut the door carefully…

~ I intentionally looked to where my child made productive choices and I let her know I noticed–“When you clean up your blocks like that, I appreciate it and it means we can get out the board game and play!” “Letting your friend know that you couldn’t play today was hard, but I can see getting your homework done is important to you.”

~ I chose to stay calm and connected to my child today, despite how she behaved…it was hard and I did it! Patience ruled!

~ I paid attention to where my child took charge of himself–by flushing the toilet, choosing her socks, deciding on which cereal he wants, remembering to pack her homework, digging out their favorite shirt from the laundry all by themselves, zipping his coat, toddling over with a sloshing cup of milk in hand to give it to me, saying NO to coming indoors to play or NO to being asked to share (yes, that is a child taking charge of themselves!)…:-)

~ I paused today and followed through calmly and consistently with just what I had promised my child (whether it was a consequence or something fun). Keeping promises is important to me!

~ I intentionally gave my child an opportunity to do things “all by herself”, to grow as an independent, capable, competent soul. Perhaps I paused and waited as I watched my little one work hard at climbing onto the chair (and discovered how, even with bumps and crashes, she DID it. All by herself!); I gave the car keys and a grocery list to the newly licensed teen in my house (that was a bit nerve-wracking…); I stepped back while my child quite gleefully dug into the dog food bag and very generously filled the dog’s bowl…no wonder our dog is overweight…

~ I deposited into my self-care account today and it felt GREAT.

Now what might be different? Just think…

…intentionally focusing on what you want more of; intentionally focusing on growing your ability to parent well. Affirming yourself all day long.

What might be different about your day? How might you feel no matter what your child chooses to do? How, with your focus on yourself, could this positively influence your child?

Try it. Write up a chart for yourself. Get a bunch of pretty stars to stick on or delicious chocolate to reward yourself as you pay attention to what you want to do differently. Real and lasting change can be yours–and it begins with you. So go put your attention on just what you want more of and pat yourself on the back often for doing just this. You deserve to feel and be affirmed. The work you do to create positive change in your family is tough, essential, and totally rewarding.

I give you STARS today! Some dark chocolate, too 🙂

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Easy to Miss, Important to Catch

March 21, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Easy to miss, important–often ESSENTIAL–to catch.

You know, those moments, seemingly inconsequential, that, if we are present and we catch them, life with our children flows more smoothly…

It is all about tipping the balance, never perfection 🙂 . As we tip the balance to catching these easy to miss moments, we can communicate “I see you. I hear you. I understand you. You are important.” When we miss them? We often (and rarely intentionally) communicate the opposite. Tipping the balance equals relationship-building. Reaching for the impossible perfection merely leaves us with the guilt we mothers are so good at feeling, undermining us once again–because, well…we will miss these moments at times.

Moments such as…

…Your toddler is happily eating her raisins, one at a time, as he rides in the grocery cart. Great! You are cruising right on through the store, gathering all you need…and then one raisin drops onto the floor. You automatically swoop down, pick it up and let your little one know, “Oops! This fell. Into the trash it goes.” And you continue on. The second raisin follows the first…maybe a third, as you continue with the same response, half paying attention because you are busy checking prices, choosing items, looking at your list.

All of a sudden the whole raisin container FLIES as your toddler flings her arms out, her back arched, her previously pleasant chatting turning to LOUD hollering. And grocery shopping comes to an end…

When we catch that moment of our toddler getting antsy, less focused, shifting in her seat and ready for a change, we are more likely to connect in a way that answers her need. “You are done with the raisins. Would you like…?” Or maybe, “I can see you are wiggling around more and more. Would you like to get out and walk a bit?” Or perhaps, “I know. This store trip is getting long, isn’t it? Let’s sing a song…”

Then you playfully sing, “Looking for the canned tomatoes, looking high and low. Going to see if we can find them, going off to buy them…” or some silly rendition that you know will bring your toddler’s attention back to just where you need it to be. It might just work long enough for you to finish; it might not. Either way, connection is at the forefront for you are fully present to all those little messages your child gives…

…You’re at the park with your child and another child runs up to say, “Wanna play?” and YES your child nods, off they run across the playground and then your child slows, glances over her shoulder, looking at you with the hesitation of “Is this okay? Am I safe? Should I keep going…?”.

When we catch that moment we find ourselves smiling, nodding, giving a little wave. And our child feels our connection; they feel our encouragement; they feel our “It’s OKAY.” Off they continue to run…or maybe they don’t. Maybe they turn around and come back to you, for they feel stronger from the inside out and ABLE to recognize how they feel and what to do. All because you caught that moment.

…Your kids are happily roaring around the house as you scramble to get dinner going so everyone can be fed on time and out the door for the night’s event. You are rather frantically mixing things, answering texts from your spouse, pushing the dog out from underfoot, and remembering the laundry that has to be switched so kids have what they need to be ready to go. You only half-hear the ramping up behind you. The “DON’T!” The “It’s MINE.” The “You better STOP!!!!” Next thing you know you have two kids fighting, crying, and tumbling all over each other to get to you. A big puddle of a mess that leaves you feeling frustrated; leaves them a wreck.

When we catch that moment of transition–when we HEAR the first “DON’T!”–and pause long enough to notice what is happening, we are more likely able to respond in such a way that our children no longer have to end up in a puddle of a mess–they will feel the connection with us that can make all the difference in the world.

Maybe it comes via an affirmation from you, “It sounds like you guys are having some trouble.” Maybe what you notice is the unfairness of one child wrecking something the other one had worked hard on and you say so. “Wow. How upsetting that is, to choose to break apart her Lego creation. She worked so hard on it.” Now you are available to let all the feelings unload in a more productive, albeit probably LOUD, way. Now you are more likely able to influence the direction this goes that allows dinner and laundry to happen, family fed and out the door without everyone becoming a total wreck. You’ve allowed connection to be felt.

What does this require from you?

***PAUSE–strengthening your PAUSE muscle so you CAN slow down–mentally if not physically–and find yourself far more aware of these moments.

***Self care. Always. Remember those little bits you can do that truly are a deposit? Keep ’em going!

***Being Tech Intentional so your devices are rarely a distraction.

***Having eyes on the back of your head and your “Mama’s Sixth Sense” ON

***Patience. Which comes from all those little self-care deposits you treat yourself with! And the PAUSE you practice 🙂

***Loads of GRACE for yourself for all the times you wish you had a do-over.

Easy to miss, important to catch. No longer inconsequential because you catch them, more often than not. Tip the balance. Let go of perfection. Here’s to you today as you work at staying tuned to all those little moments…in the long run, it is worth it.

In the long run it is truly relationship-building.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Discipline. To Suffer or Solve?

March 3, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

“Discipline is helping a child solve a problem. Punishment is making a child suffer for having a problem.” L. R. Knost.

This is a tough one for many parents. I often hear, “But he has to know it isn’t okay to throw his blocks!” “Talking back to me is unacceptable and she has to know it.” “He has to learn not to hit others!” YES to all of these!

It is HOW we then respond that determines what our child learns.

If we respond with time outs, go to your room, withdrawing every privilege under the sun in a reactive, ‘I am really mad’ way, then in what ways are they learning to solve the problem? To know within themselves what they can and cannot do? To make a better choice based on themselves instead of us–the mark of an inner directed and self-regulated person?

When we get reactive and punish, we are perhaps getting compliance in the moment, but we are also communicating that they need to behave in order for us to calm down and feel better (Whew! They behaved! I can feel like a good parent, now! Or at least RELIEVED…). And now the learning is more about how we feel, rather than learning what it feels like to them to have the blocks put away, no longer have mom’s attention until a respectful voice is used, that using words and gentle touches reaps much bigger rewards.

When we see testing, conflict, problems, misbehavior as an opportunity to walk alongside our children…

…and show them what is expected, practice with them what is a better choice, offer them our respect for what they choose to do by calmly and consistently following through with the results of their choice, NOW real learning can occur.

Brains are calmer and can process thought. The choice made is about them rather than us. The respect for the process of growth is in place. Compliance in the moment often undermines being able to manage themselves in the long run. Certainly not want we really want!

Now how might your response look?

“Blocks are for building. When you throw them, it is time to put them away.” And you follow through. Now your child has an opportunity to discover just what they think and feel about no longer having the blocks available. How THEY think and feel, not us. And we get to calmly sit through their potential upset, eventually moving them gently toward another activity…or trying again with their blocks.

“When you talk to me like that, it is hard for me to listen. When you are ready to use a respectful, kinder voice, let me know. I am interested in what you have to say.” And now you move away, put your attention to something else, and give your child the space and respect to decide for themselves if they want our attention and listening ears. Inner direction–key for successful living.

“Hitting is never okay. It hurts. I can see you are mad about your friend using your special guy. Can you use your words to let her know about your mad?” And now you are there to walk them through just how to negotiate more peacefully, to discover more about their feelings, to practice self-control, to problem solve based on THEM, rather than us. Know that you can expect to repeat this many, many times as your child figures out better ways to interact with others. Practice–it is key!

**This is what discipline is all about–guidance.**

Letting go of compliance in the moment–except for safety issues–requires us to have patience, trust in the growth process, clarity on what we really want (what kind of adult we intend to grow, what kind of relationships we intend to nurture…), and the ability to role model the respect and kindness we all hope to get from our children as they grow.

PAUSE today. Calm yourself. Consider what it is you really want your child to learn—and then step in alongside them and show them.

Put your attention to the solution, to growth, to eventual respect, kindness, compassion, self-control, inner direction.

Patience! As in all good and amazing things, it takes time. What we focus on grows.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Our Children Need to PAUSE, Too

February 9, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment

There are two kinds of PAUSE, you know.

So much is being shared about how our children and young adults have such increasingly high anxiety. Depression. “Mis”behavior. Problems. A real lack of well-being. Us, too, I believe. And what keeps coming up more and more is what is needed more of.

Down time. Space. Unscheduled time. Screen-free time.

Play time (again, us, too).

A PAUSE. Because really, that’s what this is all about.

There are two kinds of PAUSE. At least, in the simple way of talking about it. The first kind–what I like to call “PAUSE at its Basic”–is when we are able to take that moment in a heated situation to calm ourselves down. The cool thing is how, each time we succeed and each time we reflect on where we DO pause, even unknowingly, we are exercising and strengthening our PAUSE muscle. For that is what it is, a muscle.

This is the PAUSE you are all most familiar with as you follow me…mostly because you are in the midst of all things KIDS and the chaos and challenges and conflict this brings.

And there is another kind of PAUSE. I like to call it “taking PAUSE deeper.” It happens when we have been regularly exercising our PAUSE muscle in all those heated moments. We begin to realize we’ve integrated PAUSE into our lives in all kinds of ways, slowing us down a bit, having us feeling steady despite chaos whirling around. Others comment on our calmer energy or our ability to be strong and steady, or how they feel better around us. We often feel clearer about what we are doing and want to do.

This second kind of PAUSE? THIS is what all of us need more of. Especially our children. It’s a kind of physical and emotional space. Space to muse, play, be bored, think our own thoughts, be present to ourselves, check out a bit, take care of ourselves…you name it–and it all comes down to Unscheduled Time. No matter how briefly.

Here’s what this kind of PAUSE can do; this kind of Unscheduled Time. Especially for our children.

It can…

…help our child experience their feelings–the first step to understanding, processing, and eventually managing them.

…rejuvenate and recharge our child (and us) after an upsetting or tiring experience.

…help our child learn so much more about themselves–what they like, don’t like, can or cannot do, and more.

…leave our child (and us!) feeling calmer, more centered, ultimately stronger from within. How cool is that?

…allow our kids to think their OWN thoughts. Come up with their OWN ideas. Expand on their imagination and creative selves. All so ever essential for learning all through life, doing well in school, being brain and body healthy. For growing optimally.

…foster the ever-so-important self reflection that allows our child (and us!) to productively move through any difficult experience or stage.

Unscheduled Time even includes a good night’s sleep. The kind that doesn’t include ANY screen time prior to it. The kind that is absolutely essential for our brains to rest and process and be healthy.

Unscheduled Time includes being bored. As a matter of fact, being bored is very important. Because when we give our child the respect of a PAUSE as they complain about “being bored” we actually give them the gift of self-reflection. Imagination. Creativity. Problem solving. Downtime that turns into creative and productive time.

Unscheduled Time means way less adult-directed “intervention” in our child’s play.

**So HOW do you help a child learn to PAUSE? Both kinds of pausing?**

Ideas for you:

Show them, when they are losing it, falling apart, mad and out of control, just what a PAUSE looks like. A time to regroup–maybe in your lap or in their room or somewhere else. A time that is way less about a “punishment” and WAY more about how to take the break necessary to calm down.

Show them that it is their job to PLAY by giving them plenty of time and space to do so. If playing on their own is difficult, then choose open-ended things to play alongside with them–play dough, Lego, coloring, kicking around outside together.

Show them how YOU take breaks. How YOU head into your room to gather yourself and calm down. How you intentionally create even a brief moment of “me time” that gives you the space you need.

Let go of what can seem like “wasted time” as your teen hangs out on their bed at length doing “nothing.”

Let go of trying to direct and control just how your child plays or what they play with and try just noticing how they busy themselves. What a way to show respect for their choices and desires.

Let go of thinking you need to plan every minute of the weekend in order to “keep it all together” or “make sure everyone gets along” or to just feel in control of what otherwise feels like total chaos.

Provide toys of open-ended nature. Blocks. Lego. Dolls. Water play. Sand play. BOOKS. Dress-up clothes. Art supplies (fewer coloring books and way more PAPER). Craft supplies–especially the kind that isn’t set up to make something specific. Just supplies they can dive into, create, get messy.

Go OUT-doors as often and as long as possible. Maybe with them, maybe all by their selves. No need to have a ton of toys and equipment available. Keep it simple. Water. Balls. Bikes. A wagon. Bucket and shovel. Dirt. Sticks. Moss. Running and climbing and building and hiding and rolling and tag and forts and OH so much to do outside!

So many ways to grow that Unscheduled Time. Even when life feels incredibly scheduled due to work, daycare, school, errands. Maybe it’s just not filling the car with digital devices and “things to do” as you run from one thing to the next. Maybe it’s keeping that 20 minutes of time and space between dinner and brushing teeth wide open with no expectations. Maybe it’s thinking ahead and having something set up on the table to entice your kids into their own world of play while you scramble to get dinner going–maybe as simple as scissors and paper. Or (my favorite) play dough. Or a few ingredients for them to have fun mixing together. Maybe it’s making Saturday morning of every weekend a hang out on the floor in jammies morning and just…hanging. No plans. At least, for the kids :-).

Today, PAUSE. Show your child how to PAUSE, as well. Give them the time and space they need in order to grow well. To be healthy, in control of themselves, feeling strong from the inside out.

Let Unscheduled Time become Regular Time in your home.

What a gift to your child AND you.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Oh the LEARNING!

February 5, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and thoroughly enjoyed:

~The dad who calmly and quickly caught up with his toddler who was happily ‘driving’ a hockey stick down the center of the mall. His ability to cheerfully steer her back towards the hockey store, allowing her the opportunity to stay ‘in charge’ of herself was lovely.

What did his calm approach help his daughter learn?

That hockey sticks belong in hockey stores, she is a capable soul, he trusts her to manage herself well. He gave her the opportunity to grow her confident and capable self a little bit more. And he has just increased the chance that she will continue to listen and respond to him on future shopping trips… 🙂

~The mom in the post-office giving her school-age kids the job of mailing packages. Despite a mile long line and puddles of melting snow to navigate, these kids were focused, curious, listening, and absorbing as they navigated questions, weighing, address corrections, postage, payments. Mom?

Her calm and patient presence ‘spoke’ volumes:

“You two are capable; I have confidence in you; here’s how the post office works…” So much learning to be had! And essential as our children grow–their learning to navigate the world and manage themselves positively and productively within it. Lovely.

~Two brothers, ages 3 and 5, were totally, completely immersed in books at a local grocery store.

The 5-year-old was sprawled on his tummy in the book aisle of the toy section, knees bent, feet banging away at his backside, book opened on the floor right under his nose. Brother was sitting upright and leaning against his brother, pouring over his book, talking his way through each page. Now and again they each paused to check out what the other was studying…

Their parent? On another aisle nearby. I watched for over 5 minutes, soaking up the two-some, appreciating how their mom gave them the time and space to absorb good books, appreciating how she knew she could count on how her boys handled themselves. And SHE probably was appreciating the bit of time this gave her to focus on HER shopping!

In this brief span of time, so much was nurtured–positive

sibling relationships, confidence, self-regulation, trust, focused attention, imagination, the love of books…

So much learning! Our calm, patient, cheerful presence speaks volumes to our children. And it feels good to us, as well. Now we can make the most of all the “little” moments through out the day that, over time, become the very BIG things. Truly relationship-building…

Just think about how each of these “little moments” helps our children learn so much more about our world and how to be in it. These little moments? They count. Hugely.

With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach

3’s and 4’s Can Be HARD

December 8, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

3’s and 4’s can be HARD…and they can leave you wondering just what happened to your little one, who–not so long ago–was an agreeable and enjoyable little soul? All of a sudden their EXUBERANCE can become trying…testing…exhausting. SO…

HOW do you parent respectfully with

an over-the-top, EXUBERANT, volcanic-ly

erupting preschooler??

HOW do you stay calm, consistent, connected when all youwant to do is scream, yank, cry, shut-down–make it all go away?

Just because your preschooler is testing you like crazy does NOT mean you have failed at parenting respectfully, peacefully, positively. And preschoolers? They WILL test you like crazy. Loudly. Exuberantly. Endlessly. I want you to know that. They will and you CAN (parent respectfully!).

This over-the-top behavior? It means your child is ready to grow, become more independent, learn new things, get stronger from the inside out. Know this is possible BECAUSE of your work at parenting respectfully.

So how? With connection. Okay, maybe a few other things, as well, such as keeping your promises, clear expectations, choice choice choice, showing them over and over what they CAN do. And endless patience. Remember to deposit into your Self-Care Account often!

And it is with connection that is paramount. Connection that says:

~You can count on me to keep it together no matter how you decide to behave. What a way to communicate confidence to your child, a safe (emotional and physical) space for them to “bang around” in.

~You can trust me to keep my promises–you can count on what I say is what I mean AND will do calmly, gently, consistently. What a way to build the essential foundation of trust.

~I will sit beside you while you are a puddle of tears. I will wait with you; I will be quiet and know just when to encourage you gently, perhaps a bit light-heartedly, perhaps just with open arms to hold you.

~I will stay near while you finish your tantrum. I will keep you safe and others around you safe. I will manage my own upset and embarrassment so you don’t have to. (So often our work at “getting them to stop/behave” is more about our embarrassment and discomfort. How we choose to handle our feelings directly influences how and what our child learns.)

~I understand how you feel and you know this because I say things like: “You are really mad that we have to leave. It’s hard for me to leave my friends, too. Shall we make plans to see them again soon?” “It really is frustrating when your little brother gets right into the middle of your work.” “I can see how sad you feel about not having a turn. You really like having turns at this game. Me, too…”

~I give you choices for how you CAN use your EXUBERANT self in appropriate ways: “You really want to be loud! Inside libraries are for quieter voices. Let’s go outside where you can be as LOUD as you’d like.” “ZOOM! You can run fast! You know what? The church has a rule of only walking. How about we go find the best running place of all together? I wonder where it might be…” “Ouch! Hitting hurts me! I can tell you are super mad right now. Sometimes you really need to HIT to get that mad out–we can go whack the couch pillows together, or maybe you can try high-fiving me on my hand with all your energy…”

~You can count on me to let you know what to expect. What a way for a child to feel more secure when his world is predictable: “We leave in 5 minutes. What would you like to finish up before we leave?” “When we are done reading these books, it is time to…” “When we head out the door to preschool, you’ll need your boots and coat ready to go. Do you want to stuff them in your backpack or wear them out to the car?” And then you keep your promise and follow-through no matter what your child chooses or how your child decides to behave.

A few more for you during those challenging moments…all with the intent to keep connection at the forefront and parenting respectfully leading the way:

“Looks like it is too hard for you to choose, so I will choose for you.” Then you do, calmly, matter-of-factly…respectfully.

“I’d be happy to listen to you/play with you when you calm down.” And maybe they need help in calming down–gently led to a quieter place, sat with without direct attention, held…or just given a space to be for awhile…

“Ohhh…that hurt your sister. She is really sad. I see how upset you are that she came in and wrecked your Lego structure. That just doesn’t feel fair, does it? I wonder what can help her and you feel better?” And you listen. Brainstorm. Comfort both as needed. Be available.

“I can hear you talking to me (as they whine…). You have something important to tell me.”

“It is really tough to share your toy with your friend. When you push and grab, it hurts his feelings. What is it you’d like to say?” Keep your attention on how you’d like them to handle things, rather than scolding for what they did…what we focus on grows, so choose with care where you put your attention.

Calm connection. Respectful parenting.

What does this require from you?

The ability to PAUSE. To calm YOUR self, first. To know, without a doubt, you are your child’s calm, confident leader. To know, without a doubt, this is all about growth and learning, rather than problems to fix.

It asks you to be OKAY with feeling embarrassed, mad, frustrated–what a way to role-model for your over-the-top preschooler that you, too, feel all these feelings AND can be counted on to manage them well. Show your child what you do with your big feelings. Acknowledge and affirm your own–it’ll make it easier for you to PAUSE and do the same for your child.

This is a slow process–never a quick fix. Know that. And as a result of trusting your ability to parent respectfully and letting calm connection lead the way, you will discover your preschooler to morph into a cooperative, communicative, collaborative, totally awesome 5- or 6-year-old.

Just in time to gather yourself back together, enjoy family life once again, and be ready (and stronger!) for the next round of tumultuous times. At about 6.5 years of age. Hang on to your hat!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

HARD Can Become Relationship Building

August 16, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and enjoyed:

~ The VERY sad 5-year-old boy trudging alongside his mom, heading out of the grocery store. “I wanted it! Why can’t I have it? I want it…” with alligator tears pouring down his face. Appreciated? How mom walked alongside her son, acknowledging his disappointment, staying matter-of-fact and calm. And he kept beside her, trudging and crying. Half way across the parking lot she looked at him and said, “Know what? Let’s race to the car!” His eyes widened, his tears stopped, and off they ran–“I win, I win!!!!”

She allowed him to be disappointed with her calm and understanding company, and stayed tuned in, finding just the right time to offer up something else to focus on. And it worked. What could have been HARD and even miserable, became relationship-building.

~ The teen-age baby sitter who sat alongside her 4-year-old buddy on the sidewalk following a nasty fall from his bike. Bloody knee, HUGE tears, feeling mad and sad and frustrated all at once. And the teen sat with him, calmly, compassionately, and waited. No matter that they were out in public. No matter that they had people glancing over their shoulders at the pair hunkered down on the sidewalk. She just let him cry. And then, being a tuned in teen, she found the opening, “Can you pedal your bike with one leg or do you want me to carry the bike?”

“I can do it!” And off they began…adjusting just how it needed to look. Once home, off to the band-aid drawer and the lengthy repair work…followed by play with a toy-doctor kit, stuffed guys who needed shots and band-aids…and all was well. What a way to communicate confidence in this little guy’s ability to manage his own feelings and experience. What a way to say, “You can count on me. We will be okay.” The HARD of BIG feelings, when time is taken, can become a deposit into a wonderfully connected and respectful relationship 🙂

~ The daddy who agreeably chased his toddler through the aisles of Office Max while mommy got the shopping done (teamwork!). His little girl took off, looking over her shoulder, “Get me, daddy, get me!” And off he’d go trotting behind her–“I’m gonna get you!” Squeals of delight as he’d catch up and give her a quick snuggle hug, then off she’d go down the next aisle, “Catch me, daddy!”, looking over her shoulder to be sure he was coming. It was quiet in the store, the aisles were empty, mom got the shopping done, and daddy and his little girl had a glorious time together.

I appreciated how he respected her need to put distance between them as well as respected her need to have him close. Such a tug-of-war at times as our toddlers need chances to separate–within the safety of our nearness. Put a smile on my face! And just think–what could have been HARD as you navigate stores with toddlers, became an opportunity to connect in a positive just-right-for-toddler-way…making future store visits just a bit easier 🙂

Lovely moments. Relationship building moments.

Moments that say, “I care, I know you can do it, I have confidence in you, your feelings are okay, you’re safe, you can count on me, you are a competent and capable person.”

Find a moment today with your child and just be. Connect, listen, deposit into your relationship. It really is simple.

And make it a relationship-building week!
Enjoy,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach
©2016 Alice Hanscam

React, Correct, Direct…

August 8, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

React, Correct, Direct…

We do this. Sometimes all day long. With our kids, our partners (just ask my husband or daughters!), our friends, our co-workers and maybe even ourselves…

We react and then correct what they say, do, or feel. We tell them what they should say, do, or feel. And the sad thing is how it can ultimately leave all those involved feeling quite DIS-connected from one another. I’m sure you’ve felt this—when your partner or co-worker tells you what you did wrong, how to do it right, and how it can leave you feeling embarrassed, uncomfortable, resentful, often begrudgingly doing it their way, the right way, the whatever way. And now—disconnection. Big time. Uncomfortable, awkward, upsetting DIS- connection.

This is how our children feel as we go through the day reacting, correcting and directing.

You know the drill, I’m sure. Your child is re-counting a story filled with lots of big feelings (hers) to daddy—maybe one about a Great Big Fall she had, or how a favorite dish broke, or that when she wanted a turn with her friend’s scooter, her friend was MEAN and wouldn’t let her.

You, listening in, find yourself saying, “Honey, it wasn’t that big of a fall. You hardly got hurt. Tell daddy how we went to the park and how much fun you had there.” Or, “No, no, no. The dish didn’t just fall by itself and break! You were not being careful and dropped it. Next time you better let me handle the dish.” Or, “I think you should tell daddy how you weren’t very nice to your friend and wouldn’t share your bike with her, so of course she didn’t want to give you a turn on her scooter!”

Or maybe the React, Correct, Direct, looks more like this:

As your child studies the sky and states quite loudly how it is GREEN today, you say, “Skies are blue, sweetie. Be sure to say the right color.”

As your child exuberantly colors with BIG strokes across his coloring book page, you say, “Stay in the lines! Here, this is how you do that…”

When your child shows you how she has finished her math worksheet for school and is ready to head out to play, you take a quick look and see that a number of the problems are incorrectly answered. You say, “You didn’t do those right. These questions are wrong. You can’t go outside to play. Sit down and finish it correctly.” And when she gets really frustrated and upset, you say, “You don’t need to be so mad. Just sit down and get it done!”

Maybe your child experiences a Great Big Sad to him and melts down in a heap with HUGE alligator tears and you say, “Don’t cry. Here, this is how you do it. See? I did it for you! You don’t need to be so upset.”

So many examples. We all fall into this React, Correct, Direct. And it is the disconnection that results that really is what makes everything else so darn hard. And even though we do this with good intentions—helping our children learn what we see as positive, productive, and “right”—we actually are communicating so many relationship-depleting things…such as:

“You need me to tell you what to do.” “I don’t have confidence in your abilities…” “How you feel isn’t important.” “I know better than you how you feel!” YIKES.

And just think how the wonderful, creative, imaginative ideas are now squashed, exuberance is dimmed, self-confidence undermined, upset often resulting. Now our kids are more likely to resist, push our buttons as they react right back at us, or perhaps withdraw as they silently comply. Now OUR job as parents just gets harder.

DIS-connection. It really makes everything harder.

What to do? How about PAUSE, first and foremost. Consider your words and your intent. Start with a question or describe what you see. Affirm feelings, always! It really is a simple “recipe” that can be oh so hard to follow. Again, just ask my husband. Or daughters. You see, I write so much about what I’m needing the most, too :-).

So try this. Think instead: PAUSE, Reflect, Partner, (Re)-Connect.

Then try a few of these on:

“You have so much to share with daddy!” And maybe that’s as far as you really need to go :-). Affirming and descriptive. And oh, the possibilities left wide open for all those ideas and stories to e-x-p-a-n-d, be relished, hopefully lived. Or those more productive choices gently shared and talked about—all because you chose to PAUSE, Reflect, Partner, and keep connection at the forefront.

“Yes, the dish did break. I wonder what would help all of us be more careful with the dishes…hmmm….” Describing rather than blaming. Reflection. This “Reflect” word? It goes two ways—it can be reflecting back what your child is saying OR it can be you taking the moment to consider just what you really want before stepping in to partner alongside your child. Ever so respectful.

“You and your friend had a hard time today, didn’t you? It’s not much fun when that happens. Do you have any ideas for tomorrow when you two are together again?” What a way to let your child know hard times are just that, hard times, and that they have the power to do things differently and explore their own ideas for creating positive change. Relationship building on so many levels! What a way to Partner…

“The sky looks GREEN to you! Can you tell me what more you see as you look so high in the sky?” What a way to encourage and affirm their creative, imaginative selves, to Reflect and Partner alongside as you crane your neck up to study the ever-so-GREEN sky!

“Look at all the coloring you are doing in your coloring book! WOW!” And if lines are an absolute to stay within, then, “You really want to color with BIG strokes. This book is for practicing inside the lines. Would this paper work for all those BIG strokes of yours?” Reflecting what you see. Partnering as you show your child the possibilities…

“I can see you’ve finished your math worksheet. Are you feeling good about the work you’ve put into it? Great! You can head outside to play until dinner, if you like.” Or, “You’re done! Would you like to go over it with me now, or after you play outside?” What confidence in their abilities is communicated! What a way to Partner with your child to help them feel capable, successful, in charge of themselves. What a way to grow the kind of Connection that builds relationships in such healthy ways.

“Oh how SAD you are! It really was upsetting for you.” And instead of hurrying up to “fix” the sad, sit in it for a bit. What a respectful way to say, “Your feelings matter.” What a way to Reflect so they can better understand their feelings. What a way to Partner in their Great Big Sad. Truly a deposit into growing the kind of Connection you want the most—calm, respectful, trusting…

And now your child more likely feels heard, listened to, understood–respected. They are given a chance to think their own thoughts, share them in their own way, reflect on and beyond whatever they are experiencing. And now? They grow their ability to manage themselves that much more. To grow their capable, competent, creative selves. To problem solve, dream, share, think, listen, and hear :-).

And to feel truly and wonderfully connected. What a way to grow. What a way to THRIVE. What a way to feel affirmed and empowered, wanting to learn more, curious about life, feeling increasingly confident from the inside out. And now? When we DO have to correct and direct? Disconnection no longer rules, for the foundation of connection is strongly in place. Now any disconnection that is felt is more likely to be talked about, expressed productively, understood, forgiven, and turned into the connection that is key for growing well.

Today, PAUSE, Reflect, Partner, and (Re)-Connect. What a difference this can make. You and your child are worth all the work you are doing to parent well.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Is it too late?

July 29, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

I had an email recently from a parent who was sad. Crummy, reactive interactions have been defining his relationship with his young teen daughter. He has read my book, “Parenting Inspired,” yet still wonders, “Is it too late to have a positive and healthy relationship?”

NO.

It is never too late to deposit into your

relationships in relationship building ways. It is never too

late to create positive change.

I wrote to this parent that he had LOTS of company when it came to “crappy interactions” that then leave us feeling bad, guilty, consumed.

I shared how many a morning interaction in our household with teen daughters turned AWFUL and off to school the girls went, and I was left with overwhelming guilt and bad feelings.

When they’d come home in the afternoon they’d be well beyond whatever we parted with…yet I was there “needing” the re-connection in order to feel better. Not a healthy way to be. Their ability to let it go and move on was a constant reminder to me of where I needed to grow.

I told him to start with being kind to himself. Take care of his upset, do what you need to do just for you to start to settle and feel a bit better. Self-care…pausing…absolutely necessary.

I talked about the stage of increased independence young teens are in–an absolutely necessary stage for being ready to “fly” in a few years. That our teen’s reach for independence often looks scary to us; feels scary to us. Is scary.

I asked him to, as he paused to care for himself, think about times he has enjoyed his daughter–where their relationship HAS felt good. Little moments, big moments–it doesn’t matter. Just consider them. Because they are there.

I asked him to think about how HE felt during these good moments. Calm? Comfortable? Light-hearted? Connected? Present? Undistracted? Adventurous? Matter-of-fact? Accepting?

Then I encouraged him to reconsider his “crummy interactions” with the feelings he felt during the good times “in place.” What could be different? What might you do or say now? How might feeling (calm, comfortable, accepting…whatever) influence this heated–or potentially heated–situation?

And then…HOW to do this. I’ll bet, if you are a regular follower of me, you’ll guess what I’ll say next…

PAUSE.

Discover what works for him to pause as he recognizes the heat climbing. Create mental or physical space. Use encouraging self-talk. Take a deep breath. Move away and focus on a chore. Discover what works to pause and calm yourself down. From there, I told him, you can consider what it is you want the most–and for him, it is knowing he is building a strong, respectful relationship and a daughter ready to “fly.”

From there, he can re-connect. Step back into the fray with his daughter, and respond–with more calm in place, more clarity of what he really wants.

The outcome? It may still be uncomfortable and often is. It may still be LOUD on the teen’s part. It may still be leaving dad feeling uncertain–and with that calm in place, greater clarity, and the ability to re-connect what is communicated is respect. Respect that says:

His teen can count on him to keep it together even when she cannot. She can count on what her dad says, he means and will do. What a way for her to feel safe despite all her big feelings and teen angst.

His calm re-connection communicates confidence in HER ability to work through a reactive moment. It role models the essential life-skill of pausing.

Ultimately, it can influence the outcome in many, many positive, relationship building ways. I told him–trust this.

And to let me know, as he just focuses first on pausing before re-connecting, what is different for him. For his daughter. And how he can now know that he is depositing into just the kind of relationship he wants the most–even if he can’t “see” it for some time. That’s what it’s often like with teens.

I hope to hear back from this dad. I hope to hear back what I know can happen–that by “just” pausing, he feels so much better, more confident, more connected. What a gift it can be to his daughter. What a gift it can be to their relationship.

With appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Oh Those BIG Alligator Tears!

July 23, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

Story time! One full of BIG feelings.

A mama caring for a 4-year-old (Mr. G), a 3.5-year-old (Mr. K), and two infants–8 and 10-months old. And a visitor (me), Miss Alice.

A handful, at times. You know, preschoolers being out-of-bounds, LOUD and BIG, insistent and ever-so-exuberant in all things? And boys, to boot.

Mama was rocking one baby to sleep, and another was crawling all around. Boys playing EXUBERANTLY downstairs….and then:

“NO! NONONONONONONONO!” STOP!!!” Feet pounding up the stairs, BIG alligator tears and wails and all-things-UPSET.

And here’s the beginning of what I had the privilege to witness. A lovely, just-right working through of BIG feelings that was all-things-relationship BUILDING and all-things positive and essential growth for young children.

Mama slowly and calmly moved from rocking baby, to kneeling down on the floor, opening up her arms and Mr. K. poured himself into her lap…Mr. G stood next to her, his words running over themselves as he said,

“Mr. K tugged and pulled and I wanted to go see Miss Alice and he PULLED my shirt like THIS and and and…”

Tears of discontent and “NONONO! I wanted Miss Alice and my Quiet Time and he he he he…” from Mr. K sobbing in Mama’s lap.

Mama, calm and quiet, rubs Mr. K’s back as he buries his head, reaches out and touches Mr. G and says to him, “Mr K tugged and pulled on your shirt and you didn’t like that.”

Mr. G, “NO. I didn’t! I wanted to see Miss Alice FIRST!”

Mama, “You wanted to get up the stairs fast to see Miss Alice.”

Mr. G, “YES. And he..he..he pulled on me like THIS…and I didn’t LIKE it and I didn’t want to stop…” and he took a breath and stopped for a moment. Mama looked at him and smiled in an understanding way.

Then Mama turned her attention to Mr K, “Mr K, I’d like to listen to what you want to tell me, now.” And Mr K broke out into fresh sobs and said, “I wanted to do my Quiet Time with Miss Alice and Mr G wouldn’t let me and he wouldn’t STOP when I said STOP so I pulled on his shirt to STOP him….”

Mama, “You really wanted to see Miss Alice and invite her to join you for your Quiet Time. You were really worried that you wouldn’t be able to do this because Mr G wanted to see Miss Alice, too.”

“Yeeeeeessssssss!”

Mama paused. She looked at Mr G standing there next to her, listening intently with furrowed brow and said, “Mr G, how are you feeling right now?”

And here’s where something lovely happened–Mr G PAUSED. He thought for a moment…and then said, “Happy…AND mad!” To our complete delight and surprise, as you can imagine! Yet it made sense…

Happy because he had been listened to. Happy because he could count on being heard and respected. Happy because real and meaningful attention was being given to something very serious to two little boys. MAD because he really didn’t LIKE having his clothes tugged and pulled on. MAD because he really wanted to “go see Miss Alice first.” And able to express both because attention to feelings has been meaningful work in his family.

And Mr K chuckled. In the midst of his sobs, he heard Mr. G’s words and they brought a bit of laughter and lightness even to Mr K.

Then Mama, also smiling a bit, said, “Mr K, how do YOU feel right now?” And that bit of laughter subsided and he said, “I’m NOT happy. I’m SAD.”

And tears all over again.

This mama? She sat on the floor in the midst of all the Great Big Mad and Sad. She reflected back to each boy what they said. She listened carefully to both. She never once tried to solve their conflict. She never once offered up a distraction or tried to hurry through it all. She never ONCE admonished Mr G for pushing past Mr K to “be first” or Mr K for pulling on Mr G’s clothes to try to stop him. This was important, for this really wasn’t where the real learning needed to be. It needed to be on understanding feelings and being heard and comforted for both boys to actually learn and grow and eventually listen and understand each other. And eventually NOT push past or tug on clothes.

She sat in this all even with one baby crawling up and over and around and in and out and the other fussing a bit since the rocking had slowed. Also both needing some attention…and yet…seemingly able to wait.

She just sat and listened as they re-hashed and re-told and re-demonstrated what felt like an injustice on both their parts.

You’d think it would go on forever, with no distraction or new idea or “Okay, boys, enough already” from Mama. But instead, they both–ON THEIR OWN–reached the point of done. They BOTH felt heard, comforted, sorted out. They both got to that place of feeling in charge of their feelings, in charge of themselves, and empowered because of this.

Seven minutes. That is what this took. And then Mr K got up from Mama’s lap, grabbed his Quiet Time backpack, took Miss Alice’s hand and off they went to be together.

Mr G watched them go, then turned to Mama and said, “Let’s play hide and seek!”

That’s all. I had the privilege of watching all of this. I had to work at pausing, too, you know. I wanted to “jump in” a bit. All those BIG feelings? They feel a bit uncomfortable. You want to fix them, make them go away, stop them. I knew better and I paused, but I want you to know I, too, can feel uncomfortable in another’s big feelings.

I took my lead off of Mama. I took my lead off of my own words to all of you. I let a PAUSE lead MY way. It let me watch. Listen with care. Notice and appreciate. And it had me going to kneel next to the boys near the end of it all and offer my hand to Mr K and let him know I, too, was ready for Quiet Time.

Truly a lovely, important, necessary exchange for all.

Today, let a PAUSE lead your way. Let it slow you down a bit, allow you to really listen to another, observe a situation, notice what can be appreciated. What a difference this makes. A real, meaningful difference. These two boys? They still have challenges and conflicts with each other. AND they move through them more and more on their own. Because they CAN. They know they will be heard, respected, understood. And really, that can make all the difference.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Calm, Consistent, and Connected

July 9, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Calm, consistent, CONNECTED follow-through.

Key for building healthy, strong, respectful relationships and children who can cooperate and collaborate; children who can truly be in charge of themselves in ever increasing ways…children who can thrive.

When we keep our promise by following through calmly with what we say we’ll do, our kids now can count on us--they can count on what we say we will do. THIS is how trust is built and is key for a healthy and strong relationship. Whether it is following through with a promised treat, a lost privilege, or walking alongside them through the result of a choice they made–no matter how they choose to behave. And oh yes, there is where it can get hard!

Keep in mind the PAUSE that is essential so you really can be calm and connected as you help them along, despite BIG feelings, buttons being pushed, a puddle of a tantrum thrown.

Ideas for you directly from my book (and where more can be found!), “Parenting Inspired”:

~”You carried your plate all the way to the counter! Now you are ready to play our family game. Let’s go get daddy and brother to join us!”

~”I can see it is too hard to keep the milk in the cup or swallowed down to your tummy. Time to be all done.” And the cup gets put away as you stay (or act-as-if!) matter-of-fact and maybe even lighthearted as the beginnings of a tantrum rear up…or jello legs and arched back occur… 🙂

~”You buckled all by yourself! Now we can go. Let’s go drive drive drive to the library and choose LOTS of new books!”

~”You really don’t want to be buckled at all. Time to buckle and be safe. I will do it for you.” And you can sing-song your way through what might be a struggle, commenting as-if just to yourself about how at the library (where perhaps you are headed) you KNOW there is some way-cool books about bugs, buses, or monsters–whatever your little one is fascinated by! Then letting go of whether they get interested in your musings or choosing to still be MAD.

~“All ready! Thank you for gathering your jacket and backpack. We are headed out on time!” And now you and your child get to share funny stories or a yummy snack because all is good as you drive down the road…and you let them know how much you enjoy this!

~“It seems it’s too hard for you to get your backpack ready. It’s time to go.” And off you go, perhaps minus the backpack (and now your child has the opportunity to discover that minus his backpack he doesn’t have his lunch or homework, hopefully influencing him the next morning to be more likely to gather all he needs…). Or maybe WITH the backpack and little to no attention on the fact that you grabbed it, giving your child the opportunity to still feel grumpy and slow as molasses about having to go…rather than focusing on how you’ll take care of packing the backpack for her :-).

~”Thank you for coming home by eight. I appreciate you respecting the rules. Now, tell me all about your evening! I’m excited to hear what you and your buddy ended up doing for the project you are working on…”

~”You chose to come home late. I can tell you had a great time, but know that my car will be off limits to you until Sunday.” And on Saturday when your teen is begging for the car? You get to understand his frustration, reiterate that on Sunday he is welcome to use it once again, and ask him if there is another solution to his feeling stuck without it…keeping the loss of your car entirely his responsibility.

~”You chose one more turn! Thank you for being ready to head upstairs. Now we may have time for an extra book or two tonight. Which ones do you want to read?”

~”Two more turns just didn’t feel like enough. I can tell you are disappointed. It is time to head upstairs. I can carry you or you can run up as fast as you can!” And with that light sense of humor in place you choose to be a slithery snake headed up the stairs…or a mama octopus with so many arms to wrap around your writhing child as you then put your attention to what the upstairs has awaiting… 🙂

What does this require from us?

Clarity on what we want them to learn about in the long and short run.

Our ability to be OKAY in the big feelings that may erupt. That’s where PAUSE comes in!

Our patience as we have to do some of this over and over again.

Our ability to affirm out loud just what it is we want more of.

Calm, consistent, CONNECTED follow-through. What a way to communicate “You can trust me and count on me.” What a way to say, “I hear you and I understand.”

What a way to help a child learn a bit more about

themselves, to grow their capable and competent selves, to feel safe even when they feel MAD. What a way to grow respectful, healthy, strong relationships.

Today, let your child know they can count on what you say is what you mean and will do--calmly, matter-of-factly, lightheartedly…maybe even with a twinkle in your eye, if you can. At the minimum, with a PAUSE in place so you can step in with calm connection leading the way no matter how YOU feel!

Find a collection of my work to inspire you as you strive to parent well here: “Parenting Through Relationship.”

Here’s to you!
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Migraines, Laundry, and a PAUSE

June 28, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

A story for you.

A story shared with permission from a follower who paused and discovered more than she ever imagined. Let it put a smile on your face as it encourages and inspires you to keep exercising your PAUSE muscle…

I paused today, and it was transformative. I’ve fought a migraine for most of today, and all I wanted to do was get through pre-bedtime and bedtime with my three-year-old twins with minimal yelling and power struggles. I had told them that I had a headache and asked for their cooperation. Everything was going relatively smoothly, until…

…I came back upstairs from cleaning up the kitchen to find all of the clothes from their hamper upended on the floor of their room, and they were both pouring the water from their bottles onto the pile. I was LIVID. I forced myself to PAUSE, to remain calm, and that’s when I noticed they were both beaming. I asked, as quietly as I could, what they were doing.

My daughter’s answer: “Mama has a headache so we’re helping. We’re washing our own clothes. Now Mama doesn’t need to do laundry!”

What a smile this put on this Mama’s face and heart! What could have been a major meltdown on everyone’s part changed instead into a moment of real and meaningful connection–and a bedtime that followed smoothly. All because of her PAUSE. Transformational, indeed.

Her PAUSE allowed her to see the caring, compassionate little girls she was actively growing. It allowed her a moment of complete disbelief and then joy in a circumstance that, quite honestly, could have any one of us pushed over the edge. This mama, by her moment of pausing, deposited--in magnificent ways--into her relationship with her daughters. It deposited magnificently into their confident, capable, competent little souls.

HOW did she PAUSE?

Here is what she said:

“Pausing doesn’t come naturally to me. I literally had to slow my breathing down and clench and un-clench my hands to get my self to remain silent for a minute. I’m a work in progress for sure!”

And I just had to reply…for we are ALL a “work in progress!”

Here is what I told her:

“You’ve just discovered’ a way to create a PAUSE that works for you–THIS is fantastic. Clenching and un-clenching your hands–a physical action that had you able to stop and calm down. And keep in mind, there is no end goal…we are always a work in progress . Now you have a way that works that you can exercise again and again…and I encourage you to keep on noticing other ways you already are growing that pause muscle…other ways you have been successful at focusing first on yourself and finding that calm within in.”

A “simple” PAUSE can be and often is transformational. In little and then in quite tremendous and meaningful ways.

THIS can be your story. Let it be your story.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

All Things Respectful To Baby

June 20, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

A story for you…

A Mama, Papa, and 5-month-old baby. Baby tucked in her car seat on her stroller (in a public place) with a rather large and colorful stuffed octopus hanging from the handle in front of her. Mama sitting next to Baby, talking on her cell and awaiting the food her husband was getting.

Baby straining her head side to side, doing everything she was capable of to avoid Mr. Octopus. Fussing followed. Back arching beginning. Mama, noticing the fussing and back arching, pushed Mr. Octopus aside and lifted Baby out and onto her lap. Baby calmed…settled…

Food arrived. Baby gets tucked back into her car seat and Mama smiles at her and hands her the scrunched up paper bag the food came in. Baby delights in it! Two chubby hands come together to explore this wonderful, plain, crunchy sounding ball of paper. Smiles and leg kicking! Then…over the side and onto the floor goes the bag. Baby strains to find it…

Mama notices…but leaves the bag on the floor and plops Mr. Octopus back in front of Baby. Baby immediately fusses, arches, looks anywhere but at Mr. Octopus. Now Papa comes to the rescue…and Baby comes back out and onto a lap and settles…

Why am I sharing this story? Mostly because of the subtleties of All Things Respectful to Baby.

We so often miss just what our babies are trying to communicate–perhaps because we are distracted, busy, or because we really don’t know what they’re trying to say to us, or because, well, we are just plain exhausted.

And really, these moments fill our days and ultimately add up to make a real difference in our relationships–and in making our job as parents easier. These little moments that seem inconsequential create, over time, the foundation and relationships we ultimately want.

The little moments in this story that I truly appreciated…

…the lap time Baby received. Being out of the car seat or any other restraint when-ever possible means more freedom of movement, more of the essential touching our babies need, more connection with important-to-them-adults.

…the smiles and bits of talking she enjoyed from her Mama and Papa. Lovely moments of real and meaningful connection.

…the simplicity of a paper bag capturing her full attention! Simple, accessible, every-day items become rich playthings for our little ones.

These are important for connecting with Baby and strengthening the bond that is so essential for growing and living well.

What could have been different?

Noticing the struggle Baby had with Mr. Octopus and then respecting it by…

…Letting Baby know, “You are done with Mr. Octopus. Let’s move him out of the way…”

…Pausing and noticing how Baby might now respond to having this toy that she was done with respectfully removed.

…Asking, “Would you like to come out and sit on my lap?” prior to hauling her out.

…Retrieving the wonderful scrunchy paper bag that she delighted in and offering it back up.

…Recognizing how the simpler an item is the more a Baby can attend to it and enjoy it.

How can this make a difference?

Mama and Papa would learn a bit more about what makes Baby tick–making their job at parenting just a bit easier.

Baby would learn a bit more about how she feels, what she likes, that she can trust her parents to understand and answer her needs. The subtle yet powerful connection that results can leave Baby calmer and feeling safer–and therefore more content.

Mama and Papa can feel the subtle yet powerful confidence in understanding and knowing a bit more about who their daughter is–less guessing and more clarity in what works to best help their little one. What a way to deposit into a healthy, solid, positive relationship. What a way to grow the trust and respect necessary for leading healthy lives.

Small moments. Seemingly inconsequential.

Yet when we can become more intentional in how we interact from a respectful place starting with our babies, what a difference this makes through the years.

And the more we can do this, the less of a big deal it is when we ARE overwhelmed, exhausted, and unable to do anything other than haul our baby out or plunk the offending toy back in front of them…

Look for the small moments today. Be intentional with how you notice and decide to respond. They add up and can make a real and positive difference for you, for your child, for your relationships. It’s in the small moments where we can, over time, make the most difference and the biggest impact. Really.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Letting Things Rest

June 4, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

“Let’s let it rest for a bit.”

How does that feel to you? As I read these words from Rachel Macy Stafford I feel my entire body releasing and relaxing. You?

**Rachel Macy Stafford, author of Hands Free Mama**

Letting something rest for a bit is PAUSE at its best. And if you follow me, you know I am all about pausing–I even wrote an entire book about the power of pausing and the calm connection it creates, influencing all of our relationships and experiences in positive, life affirming ways. If you are interested, you can find more on this book right here.

Let’s let it rest for a bit. And now you can breathe. Think. Reflect. Take care of you for a bit. And your child? When we say these words, we may find they push back, pester, hang on us, pleading for more, for an answer, for SOMETHING. Pretty tough, letting it rest for a bit.

When we can reassure our child that we will get back to them, we will address their idea, this issue–whatever the challenge is–following “letting it rest for a bit”, then the magic begins.

The magic? It’s the message it gives to another. “I’m listening. I accept you. I have confidence in you.” It communicates you can be counted on, trusted. It gives all feelings a space of grace. It allows for greater understanding and collaboration. Ideas can flow. Connection felt. And the best part of this?

It builds relationships in healthy, meaningful ways.

When we can “let it rest for a bit” we bring mindfulness to the forefront. And mindfulness strengthens our inner-selves–ours and our children’s. Powerful, always. And it is like a muscle–the more we can rest, pause, be mindful, the easier it gets to do so. PAUSE is a big part of this; challenges are a necessary part of this. When we can embrace any button-pushing, challenging time with a PAUSE first, we are more likely going to either “let it rest for a bit” before re-engaging, or step into it feeling like we have rested for a bit. Calmer. Clearer. Steadier. Mindfulness begins to permeate all that we do–or at least a bit more often. And what a difference this can make for all of our relationships! Connection feels genuine, deeper, more meaningful. A gentle humor is more likely to emerge. Trust strengthens. Understanding and acceptance define our experiences. Magic, truly.

Two more articles of mine that you may find helpful as you explore all that “letting it rest” can bring:

The Space and Grace of PAUSE

One Papa’s “Alice PAUSE”

Here’s to each of you as you work hard at parenting well. A huge thank you to Rachel of The Handsfree Revolution. Your work is deeply appreciated!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

www.denaliparentcoaching.com

Say You’re Sorry!

May 24, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional 4 Comments

“Say you’re sorry!” “Go apologize and MEAN it.” “You don’t sound like you’re sorry to me!” “She won’t want to be your friend anymore if you don’t apologize right now…”

Sound familiar? This is a hot topic for many–we want our kids to have good manners, to truly feel and show compassion for another, to want to apologize from a heartfelt, authentic place.

Yet when we tell them “Say you’re sorry!” what are we really communicating? I think:

~I need you to apologize so I can feel better about what just happened…

~This is how we fix problems…

~I need you to do what I say so I can feel I’m a good parent…

~You need me to tell you how to feel and behave…

~I’m in control of you…(bigger and stronger wins)

~Integrity is secondary to apologies–what you do doesn’t have to be aligned with how you feel or think…just do it anyway.

Whew. Maybe not the message we really want to give. Yes, manners are important and apologies necessary.

Encouraging the growth of this from within–a genuine desire to (re)connect and show compassion, being in our integrity–is essential for healthy relationships.

Think about it. How might YOU feel if, after being hurt deeply by a friend they brushed you off with a cursory “I’m sorry…” or after a tearful yelling match with your teen that left you feeling raw, your spouse said, “How could you lose it like that?! You need to go apologize to him!”

I’d venture to say you might feel more hurt, maybe misunderstood and alone, or even mad.

Often situations our children are in that we catch ourselves telling them to go apologize are defined by just the same kinds of feelings. Hurt whether they are the one doing the hurting or being hurt; frustrated and mad their favorite toy was grabbed, a cool idea rejected, some other injustice experienced; misunderstood because their feelings and thoughts weren’t respected, because the adult missed all that led up to the conflict, because they weren’t listened to; alone because they are misunderstood, not listened to, hurt on the inside, feeling rejected; MAD because they really didn’t like what their buddy did and their feelings overflowed…

Having your child say “I’m sorry” is going to do very little for a child to grow an understanding of how they feel, why they feel, what they can do with all these feelings–all precursors to compassion. The words I’m sorry” are more often about our need, not our child’s.

So what CAN you do to grow the genuine, integrity based, heartfelt ability to apologize?

~Role model, always. Be genuine with your own apologies. Voice compassion for your child, others, and their situation.

~Name and affirm feelings of all parties involved. Just think, if your spouse, following the tearful yelling match with your teen, had said “Honey that was really tough. Let me hold you for a minute while you pull yourself together” how might you now feel? How might that change the next step you took? I bet you’d feel connected, understood, cared for–and in a better position to now re-connect with your son and apologize for losing it. And it would have come from a genuine place within you.

~Give choices/ideas: “What can you do to help him feel better?” “When you are ready to let her know you feel sorry, she’ll appreciate it.” “Can you use your words or would you like to show her you feel sorry?” Words, smiles, pats, sharing a toy, playing next to–these are all authentic ways kids can show they are sorry.

~Notice what your child chooses/does on their own to express their apology/their feelings and name it: “Thank you for offering your special stuffed guy to your friend. You wanted to help him feel better. What a nice thing to do to let him know you felt sorry.” Or, “I can tell you are letting him know you feel sorry for hurting his feelings…” Now they learn that their gesture is welcomed and affirmed, leading to–in time–using their words as well as their actions in authentic ways.

And now you are helping your child learn a bit more about what healthy, caring relationships look like.

Genuine apologies are on their way. It takes time to grow a child who can tap into their inner selves and respond with compassion and honesty in a difficult situation. Time, patience, and gentle guidance…trust this. “I’m sorry” will follow…and be truly meant.

Relationship building all around…

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Which Story Will Be Yours?

May 21, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

A story with a do-over for you (and how we all wish for a do-over at times!):

A favorite very public play place. A 4-year-old and her mother. A break to use the potty and a preschooler who could stand at the sink and wash hands F-O-R-E-V-E-R.

Mama wanted to move back into the play area–for she knew well enough that if her daughter didn’t have enough time she could count on an embarrassing fit to be thrown. She felt the tension rise as she tried convincing her preschooler to finish quickly so that they could have time to play more.

Miss Four would have none of it: “NO! I’m not DONE.”

Bribing her didn’t work and threatening her that she’d have no more time to play fell on deaf ears. Mama, frustration taking over, had enough of her daughter not obeying. She turned off the faucet and pulled Miss Four out of the bathroom. Her daughter screamed and kicked as Mama, frustrated, mortified, (and fuming!) yelled right back with, “You aren’t minding me so we are going home!”

Off she marched with screaming and crying Miss Four struggling in her arms, feeling all eyes upon her. The fighting persisted all the way out to the car. By the time Miss Four was buckled in—an enormous accomplishment with a writhing four-year-old—exhaustion reigned. For both Mama and child.

As they drove home, Mama, with tears streaming down her face, thought—“Why can’t she just behave? If she’d only listen. I feel so EMBARRASSED…”

The ride home was miserable as Miss Four moved from screams to sobs to a fitful sleep. Upon arriving home, things just never got better.Miss Four got woken up too soon as she was pulled out of her car seat, the tantrum continued, Mama–at her wits end–enforced a time-out, and they both felt out of sorts the rest of the afternoon.

Sound even remotely familiar? I am most certain that you have either participated in a similar scene, or found yourself uncomfortable as you watch one unfold with another parent, friend, family member.

Here’s the deal–we DO get embarrassed, tense, even mortified–and it can leave us fuming, trying harder and harder to just make our child behave the way WE want them to. Here’s where the Power of PAUSE and the calm connection that follows can step in and make a positive impact…

Let’s replay this story with Mama taking a pause (or two or three) and letting calm connection rule:

A favorite play place. A 4-year-old and her mother. A break to use the potty and a preschooler who could stand at the sink and wash hands F-O-R-E-V-E-R. Mama cringed at the potential of another round of tantrums from her preschool daughter. She knew her daughter really enjoyed what really became water play, but it usually meant a fit that playtime had to be shortened.

Mama could feel the pressure climb as she tried convincing Miss Four to be done so they can go play some more. Miss Four had none of it—“NO! I’m not DONE.”

Mama sighed. “Here we go again,” she thought!

She PAUSED by taking a deep breath and considered what she knew usually worked well for her daughter to move through these experiences with a bit more grace. She certainly had lots of experiences to reflect on, for they seem to come every 20 minutes or so… :-).

She began with letting her daughter know she could wash for one more minute and then it would be time to be all done. Something Mama knew for sure was how important it was for her daughter to have a sense of control via knowing just what to expect.

The minute passed, Miss Four was given the opportunity to turn off her faucet, yet still resisted :-). Water play really is fun!

Mama, who continued her PAUSE by staying quiet and focusing on relaxing during that extra minute (letting go of the WET that seemed to get everywhere!), calmly followed through what she had promised and reached over to turn off the faucet.

LOUD screams and tears burst forth from Miss Four.

Mama then took a few more deep breaths, reminded herself that these were tough experiences for preschoolers, and that she wanted her little one to discover she COULD handle the disappointment of being all done with something fun; that being disappointed and mad was okay and that Mama was someone she could count on to keep it together no matter how her daughter felt.

Mama’s pausing via breaths and encouraging self talk helped her act calm despite the fit from her daughter. She, acting as if she had the calm confidence she knew could make a difference, gathered up her puddle-of-a-four-year-old as best she could saying, “I know you wanted to wash for longer. It’s disappointing when you have to be done with something fun” and took her out into the hall that led back to the play place. “Here’s a good place to get your mad out. I will be right here and when you’ve calmed down and feel ready, we can go play some more.”

Miss Four continued with her MAD—yelling at her mom, lying on the floor kicking and crying.

A play place attendant appeared—“Is everything okay?” “Yes,” said Mama, “My daughter is feeling mad and disappointed that she had to be all done with washing up. When she is done getting her mad out, we’ll head back to play.”

And Mama waited–a PAUSE once again! Respectfully so.

Miss Four eventually wound down and Mama stepped close saying, “I can see you are feeling calmer. Are you ready to go play a bit more?”

“YES!” her daughter exclaimed. And off they went, with Miss Four zipping ahead saying, “Watch me, mommy!” Fours have an amazing power to flip from incredibly frustrating to wonderfully delightful :-).

When it was time to head home, Mama fully expected a total meltdown once again, and was pleasantly surprised (and relieved!) to find that instead her daughter expressed her sadness with her words and stomping feet, “I don’t WANT to go. I LIKE it here…can we come back soon???” instead of kicking and screaming. They commiserated together as they stomped out to the car, buckling in with little effort. They returned home, shared a snack, and had an unremarkable afternoon together.

With her Mama creating pauses for herself, and leading the way with calm connection, Miss Four was able to better manage HER self all through the afternoon.

Whew! What a difference! Know this can be your experience, as well. With practice, a PAUSE, and the resulting calm confidence that can follow, you can expect (over time) a child who manages challenging moments with far more grace–for they will feel more in charge, capable, and confident.

And the best part? Parenting can get a bit easier. Let my book, “Parenting Inspired,” help YOU create the positive change you want the most. Know that this story (from PAUSE) and more await you as you read my book(s)…

Make it great today!
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Hold My Hand, Please

May 5, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

It was beautiful to watch. The “dance” I saw between a mama and a 2.5-year old.

It was time to cross a busy parking lot. Mama stopped on the sidewalk back from the curb a bit, looked down at her son and said, “It’s time to cross the parking lot. Hold my hand, please.”

And toddler did what toddlers do best.

“NO.”

Mama paused, tried again to no avail. Then she did what I consider a lovely thing. She knelt down next to her son and said, “Look. See the cars driving? We need to hold hands to be safe. When you are ready to take my hand, we will head to our car.”

And she stayed right there, knelt down, next to her son just waiting quietly, calmly. Mr Toddler shifted from one foot to another. He watched all the cars. Mama waited in this pause mode of hers. Now and again she pointed out the busy cars. Always she had her hand resting on her toddler, just in case.

Then toddler did just as I expected he would–he reached up with his hand for Mama to hold and they walked across the parking lot together. Mama let him know, “Thank you. You are ready to go!”

Why did I expect this, rather than the toddler who suddenly takes off and runs? Because of the way Mama was quiet, calm, and respectful. I could tell this was her norm; I could tell her son felt her calm connection. He, as a result of Mama’s calm, was way more focused on studying the busy cars that his Mama called his attention to, rather than reacting as a result of being told what to do.

He trusted her; she trusted him. What a beautiful dance.

I caught up to them and I told this mother what a lovely moment that was to watch, her respectful way of being with her son, her ability to pause, be clear about his choices, and wait a bit for him to be ready. Her eyes sparkled and she shared, “Being my third child, I think I finally figured it out!” And we both laughed.

I share because of the simplicity. I share because of how powerful pausing really is for all involved. It always communicates respect. Mama, instead of just picking up her son or grabbing his hand to hurry along the way, waited just long enough for him to feel capable and competent in HIS decision making. The cool thing? How this–in time and over time–makes your job as a parent easier. Calm connection. It is powerful and it is the result of pausing.

When we can take a bit more time to gently and respectfully connect with our child, magic can happen. When we can PAUSE and consider what we want in the long run, the big picture, down the road a bit, we can more likely step in and create this respectful, calm connection that has a child listening, learning, understanding, and cooperating–maybe in time, maybe after doing this day in and day out. Maybe after raising your first two Practice Children 🙂

With a PAUSE muscle strengthened, life really does slow down a bit, relationships feel stronger, JOY is more readily experienced. What a gift to you, to your child. When we can tip the balance to parent with a PAUSE in place, it matters way less those times when, instead of kneeling down and talking a bit, you scoop them up and get where you need to go no matter their wiggles and hollers. It matters way less those times we just don’t PAUSE.

Today, tip the balance. PAUSE, kneel down, take a bit of time with your child. Connect–calmly, respectfully. Then do it again, tomorrow. And again. You will see the magic begin to unfold.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Round and Round You Go

April 19, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

Negotiating–constantly, tirelessly, endlessly. Ever so exhausting.

Or maybe it is the incredible and endless array of ideas your child has to wiggle out of something or do something or get something.

Perhaps it’s The Last Word and the struggle to HAVE the last word, since of course you are the adult. And it’s exhausting, feeling totally at the end of your rope with this constantly escalating “last word” game you play with your child.

Or maybe, just maybe, you are secretly proud of how your child demonstrates all the future skills of a lawyer. We were with ours . Until frustration and exhaustion over-rode that bit of pride…

Or all those amazing ideas? You really appreciate how creatively your child wiggles out of taking responsibility for something or gets something out of you or manages to do just what it is they wanted. Pretty cool skill of theirs. Admiration fills you…alongside the irritation, concern, wondering if really you just didn’t give in and maybe you shouldn’t have…

And really, you’d LIKE to have your child listen to your “no” the first time. Or stop already with getting in the last word. Or realize–PLEASE–that those creative ideas just aren’t going to work. EVER.

Over the last couple of days I’ve had several parents end up in tears as they shared all of the above with me. Tears because they recognize they are at a total loss as how to encourage the creativity and still be clear on boundaries. Tears because they really, really don’t like ending up in a yelling match with their future-lawyer-child.

Tears because they felt like failures as parents.

Failures because they really didn’t know how to balance the creativity, the endless negotiating, the fights over the last word with the calm, respectful, clear-with-expectations-and-follow-through they intuitively knew their child needed.

Failures because they really didn’t know how to be calm, respectful, clear AND allow creative ideas, big feelings, anger, persistence, etal to have their place. I truly hope they walked away from our brief time together feeling a bit of relief, calmer, and definitely more confident in themselves.

I believe it all comes down to PAUSE.

I know, that seems overly simple, but stay with me, here.

With a strong pause muscle you can now give yourself the moment to take a deep breath. To consider the strengths you CAN appreciate about the incredibly annoying behavior.

To see how these can be encouraged and guided so that future adult you imagine has all these skills AND the self-control, compassion, ability to truly collaborate and create with others.

To more thoughtfully and intentionally decide just what step you do want to take right now, in this moment. Even if it becomes one that clearly doesn’t work. At least you’ve now done it from a place of intention rather than just reacting–and that speaks volumes of respect to a child.

And a PAUSE allows you to tap into that inner confidence and strength you DO have and often gets lost in the overwhelming nature of parenting. It allows you to show yourself the care and compassion necessary as you make mistakes, work exceptionally hard, wish for do-overs on a daily basis. What a way to role model for your kids the essential self-care we all need in order to live well. Show yourself care and compassion–and by doing so, you are teaching your child to do the same.

Pausing can help you relax a bit. To more likely allow your child’s ideas and feelings FIRST, and then show them just what it is they can expect. To follow through with the “no” you said, to ignore their “last word” because by you just trying to get in the last word, you are role modeling the very thing you don’t want to see in them (now that was a lesson hard for me to learn!).

With a strengthened pause muscle, calm connection starts leading the way.

Now when you still have absolutely no clue as what to do, you are still communicating, “We will figure this out.” What an important message for a child to hear–that no matter how confusing, overwhelming, scary it is, “We will figure this out.”

With a pause leading the way, YOU have an opportunity to figure things out for you. To find the answers, guidance, advice, knowledge necessary to take steps to guide your child well. To forgive yourself as you stumble along this never-slowing-down journey with your kids.

And remember. All of this parenting, growth, and learning? It takes time. It is a process. A process filled with angst, joy, do-overs, support, relief, delight. Never perfect. Always a roller-coaster. Totally worth it. And so are you. It is OKAY to struggle. Let a pause be a bit of self-care.Let your struggle be the opportunity to role model for your child just what you do with struggle. Know your struggle is because you are in the midst of real learning. Just like your child.

Here’s to all of you lost in the incredible negotiation skills of your child; fighting over the last word; buried in all the creative ideas that leave you wondering how your child managed to get out of or do or get something that you never intended. You have LOTS of company!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

We ARE Responsible For…

April 7, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Have you ever found yourself thinking:

“Argh! My preschooler is driving me nuts!”

“It’s going to be super hard with my little one at the store–she can’t sit still and never listens to me!”

“He broke curfew! Now he’s going to be difficult to live with for a few days, not being allowed to see his friends. It’s going to be a rough go…”

“Oh man. She took such a short nap. Our afternoon is going to be miserable!”

“I’m already exhausted thinking about plowing through all that homework with my child. They hate it and so do I.”

We are responsible for the thoughts we bring into any situation. Let’s choose them with care.

Just think–as we enter into these challenging moments with our children, with our thoughts on all that we see going wrong, being hard, assuming tantrums and resistance and upset–we most likely get exactly that. Hard. Tantrums. Resistance. Upset. What we focus on grows. Whatever we put our attention on, we get more of. I don’t know about you, but when I stepped into tough times with my girls thinking the worse, I got the worst. Or, even if they surprised me and did pretty well, I was already rather emotionally depleted due to my thoughts. Hard to relish that they DID do well as I simultaneously felt DONE. Not a whole lot of fun. Certainly less productive and far from relationship-building.

We are responsible for the thoughts we bring into any situation and we need to take responsibility for them–and whatever follows as a result. Why don’t we work harder at taking care of and being intentional with what thoughts we start with? What difference this can make.

Such as intentionally deciding to use our thoughts to promote more of what we want. This starts with a pause and considering where your child does do better, work harder, listen, come home on time, etc. Let a PAUSE give you a bit of space to rest your mind on the more productive and successful times you’ve had (and sometimes these are the times you hardly notice, for your child is managing themselves well!)…and then use this awareness to help you step in and more likely create the experience you hope for right now. All by how you are thinking about things.

Try these on for size and think about how you might feel differently (and how your child might behave) as a result:

“My preschooler is exuberant! All his exponential growth is pouring out of him! Has me smiling and sighing at the same time :-). I can be patient and calm!”

“I know my little one needs lots of time to move. I know she loves to do things with me. Let’s see if I can make the store time together something she can really participate in.”

“He broke our curfew! Not seeing his friends for a few days will be tough on him. I will do my best to let him be upset. We will work through this!”

“Ahhh…too short of a nap. Let’s make our afternoon a quieter one so she is less likely to fall totally apart.”

“So much homework! What can we do to make it easier to navigate? Hmmm…”

And now? You are more likely entering into these situations feeling calmer, clearer, steadier. Maybe only a little bit more, and that’s okay. This helps you be more open to what unfolds. Creativity often steps up as you quickly re-direct your toddler at the store, offer up your exuberant preschooler just what they need to get all their BIG feelings out and expressive selves expressed, find yourself listening quietly to your very upset teen, discovering just what your school-aged child needs to focus best on homework, finding quiet time to ease your little one’s tired afternoon.

The cool thing is, instead of getting wrapped up in all that feels depleting and exhausting, you begin to see the important and wonderful growth in your child. Instead of seeing all they are doing “wrong” you begin to see all they are doing WELL or better. You will find yourself understanding your child better, appreciating the growth they are doing, and more likely discovering ways to nurture that rather than hinder it. Through the Lens of Appreciation is an article I wrote that may help you further, as you work at reframing your own thoughts about your child.

Choose your thoughts with care as you step in to respond to, guide, and be with your child. Know that this is something you can control, something that can truly make a relationship-building difference. How cool is that?

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Keep Your Promises

February 11, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

I’ve been thinking a lot about integrity. Saying what you mean and meaning what you do. ‘Standing in our integrity’ translates to having our thoughts, feelings, and actions all in alignment with what we believe.

How does this translate to our children? Keeping our promises; building trust and respect. Key for healthy relationships. (Thank you to ScreamFree and Hal Runkel for “Keep Your Promises”)

How often do you find yourself saying:

…”I’ll be there in a minute!” and it isn’t until your child is melting down next to you 20 minutes later that you put down what you were focused on to help them? And now, of course, there is no help to be had, for total melt down has unfolded.

…“After soccer practice we can stop for ice-cream!” as you are trying to get your kids out the door and you know the promise of ice-cream will make it actually happen in a more timely way. But then following soccer you say, “It’s too late for ice-cream–sugar isn’t good for you, anyway.” Whew, at least you GOT to soccer on time, so now you can just ‘put up’ with the cries and complaints in the back seat–“…but you PROMISED…”

…“Yes you can have a guinea pig, cat, dog, (fill in the blank) when you are 10!” Then when they turn ten you come up with a million excuses why a pet just won’t work right now, how they aren’t responsible enough, that you just don’t have TIME to take care of a pet. Okay, maybe a fish…

…“Just calm down, young man!” as you are totally losing it. Hmmmm. I know that one happens often! “I need YOU to calm down so I won’t lose it!” As if it is their responsibility to decide how we are going to feel and behave…

…”Grabbing the salad bowl instead of asking nicely isn’t okay!” as you grab the salad bowl right back and bang it back down on the table. “Use your manners!” Harrumph. Why don’t they know better how to ask for something at the table? And again, if they’d JUST BEHAVE, then I wouldn’t have to lose my temper!

…“Hitting your sister is mean!” as you whack their backside and insist they go to time out to think about how to behave. (NEVER do I recommend any kind of whacking).

…“It’s unkind to talk about your friend that way. You need to be nice.” Then turn around and moan to your spouse about YOUR friend and how they make choices you just can’t get behind.

…“I’m sure you know best what you are going to do with your birthday money.” Followed by, as they decide to spend it all on a frivolous item, “Oh no, that’s a waste of money! You ought to save it. Or at least donate some of it to…” All good ideas…and all going back on just what you originally said.

What message are we giving our kids as we regularly say one thing and mean or do another? That they cannot count on what we say is what we mean. THIS erodes their trust in us, their trust in others. How can they possibly know what to expect when we change the tune on them? Or how to respond or behave or feel? It gives the message of disrespect–that we really don’t think they are or their ideas are important enough for us to follow through and keep our promise. And since they cannot count on us, why respect or even just listen to what we say? Talk about eroding relationships.

Try this, instead. PAUSE before responding or throwing out a blanket statement (YES we’ll get ice-cream after soccer!) and consider what it is you really want and CAN do.

Consider the kind of manners you’d like to grow;

the trust and respect you want to demonstrate and see in your child; the kindness and giving that is important to you.

And now role-model it. Be what you hope your child can be.

Show them how to use gentle hands, that they can count on you to keep your promise of ice-cream even if you are running late, that if you promise a pet at age ten, you follow through, talk about YOUR friends with the respect and kindness you want to see in your children, calm yourself first before asking them to do the same, let them know exactly what they can expect as they wait for your help, bite your tongue and let them experience the result for themselves as they spend all their birthday money on a ridiculous toy.

What does this require from us?

PAUSING.

Being clear on what kind of adult we hope to grow.

Knowing just what values and qualities are most important to us. Growing our ability to be patient and calm no matter how our kids are behaving. Being consistent with our follow-through–ridiculously consistent as often as possible.

Now when we do have to ‘break our promise’ because whatever we said we really didn’t mean and certainly aren’t going to do–we can apologize. Heartfully, genuinely, respectfully. “You know, when I promised you a pet last year, I was saying that without really thinking about what it means. I apologize for leaving you hoping. Let’s talk about this more carefully.” “You know, I was really mad when you threw your toy and hit your sister. It wasn’t okay for me to yell and hit you. I am sorry. Here’s what I wanted to do…”

What a way to grow respect. To build the trust in your relationship that is foundational for the rest of our child’s life.

Take time today to reflect on your integrity, on how you say what you mean and mean what you do–when this is easiest and most successful for you, what you can do differently when you find it difficult. Integrity. It is essential for growing well; for relationships to thrive. For our children to grow into those incredible adults we intend.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Calm. It isn’t easy.

February 2, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Calm.

It’s easy when things are going well, kids are getting along, life isn’t hectic. It’s easy when you can plug your ears, shut your eyes, disappear as necessary :-). It’s easy when you feel rested, nourished, even energized. Things go better, more smoothly. Maybe even those times where calm is had by locking yourself in the bathroom for a bit–heck, at least you aren’t in the midst of the crazy! A bit of self-care…

Calm is hard, often. And when it’s hard, being that positive influence can go out the window. Those are the times you wish for do-overs–later, when you’ve had time to think, to take a break. Those are the times you end up in a puddle of tears along with your child.

So how DO you become that calm, positive influence your child needs the most in order to grow well?

Exercise and strengthen your PAUSE muscle. It sounds easy, right?

Practicing your ability to, when your button has been pushed and the heat rises in you, stop…take a moment or a few hours (!). Breathe, count to ten (or a hundred!), walk away, do something that helps you create a bit of space so you can first focus on yourself. Calm yourself down–even an iota. THEN step in and respond to your child, rather than react. Sounds simple.

It is. And it isn’t. Like any habit, it takes practice. Grace for all those times you don’t pause first. Patience as you strengthen a new and powerful skill. It can be easier in some situations. These are the ones worth noticing, appreciating, and practicing. For me, it was easiest to pause and create a bit of space (physically, mentally, whatever) when I felt in a rush to get out the door and my girls were dragging their toes. This irritated me, but it didn’t push any big button in me. So this is where I practiced…taking a deep breath, letting go a bit about lateness, and using as even-keeled a voice as I could to e-a-s-e us out the door…and the more I could do this, the less they dragged their toes!

Knowing I could pause successfully and positively influence my girls at these times gave me the encouragement I needed as I worked at pausing during the really tough moments for me–teen resistance, push-back, sarcasm, eye-rolling, foot stomping, you name it (oh, door slamming, too). It isn’t a smooth road forward, this pausing. It is much more of a roller coaster. The trick is to keep focusing on when pausing has worked for you, when you’ve felt better about what could have been a challenge or struggle and wasn’t; when you’ve felt good about keeping it together even as your child loses it.

Notice these times, for in them you paused. You were able to step in calmer…and in doing so, you created the connection your child needed in order to navigate whatever the moment held. Or if not that particular moment (you know, those times you did well at being calm and your child still spiraled to the Nth degree?), know that the more you DO step in with a pause and calm connection, the more likely IN TIME things will be navigated better, more smoothly.

This is being that positive influence they need the most in order to grow well. This is being the adult your child needs you to be in order to feel safe in the midst of BIG feelings. This is how trust is built. THIS is what grows those respectful relationships we all want. This is relationship-building.

Here’s my pause story for you from when my eldest first taught me how.

It goes waaay back about 17 years…and yes, I am STILL working on strengthening my ability to PAUSE! The amazing thing is how my work at pausing has impacted all my relationships in uplifting ways–truly. It can for you, too.

If you’d like more help, my book PAUSE is a wonderful resource for you. Check it, and my other two books, out right here: https://www.denaliparentcoaching.com/books/

Meanwhile, here’s to YOU and your growing ability to PAUSE. What a gift to your children! What a gift to all your relationships.

With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
www.denaliparentcoaching.com
©2021 Alice Hanscam

PAUSE defined

February 2, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

PAUSE: Noun. Defined as a space—mental, emotional, or physical– from which you then respond with clear intention.

PAUSE: Action Verb. The action you take to create a space in which you can calm, center, and then intentionally choose what feelings, thoughts, words, and response you will give.

PAUSE is never passive. It is always active.

PAUSE as a passive response is equivalent to checking out often because we are too anxious to deal with a situation. And now we don’t step back in and respond. What is communicated? That we can’t handle our child’s upset, behavior, feelings.

This ROCKS a child’s world.

It is a scary place to be when a child looks to a parent for help, stability, calm, guidance and instead sees a parent who is acting just as immaturely as the child…and then what? The child acts up even more. Or withdraws…deeply. Or maybe complies…often out of fear or resentment. Probably not what any of us intend.

What feels like an “easy way out” by using PAUSE to check out becomes, over time, a very unhealthy and truly difficult way of relating. And parenting becomes harder.

PAUSE as the space it can be and intentional action it needs to be does just the opposite. It allows you to ultimately step back in and respond—productively, purposefully, with the clarity necessary for truly guiding your child toward just what you want more of.

It becomes relationship building.

And yes, a PAUSE can be self-care. Absolutely. This is different from “checking out” because, again, it is done intentionally, with the understanding that it will be followed by stepping back in and responding. Go take care of yourself! It is essential.

So today, PAUSE–actively and with intention. Trust what follows, even if you have absolutely no idea what to do next. Let your ability to calm yourself and trust your ability to connect do the work for you.

Let my book(s) help you.

And let me know what works for you. I care.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

I NEED This Fight!

January 24, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting 2 Comments

Because someone I care about very much is having a difficult time sorting out all that his 16-year-old is throwing at him, I share this link and my thoughts and response with the hopes that it can help–him and perhaps many of you.

I want him to do what he can for himself that calms him, gives him confidence, patience, and trust in this very painful process he’s in. It will take time, this anger she’s throwing at him and life. Time and his daughter being able to count on HIM to be steady, calm, consistent, caring. Time. Just as it will for each of you, if you find yourself in the midst of this kind of angst with your child. Teen OR toddler and on.

“The letter your teenager can’t write you”

“This fight we are in right now. I need it. I need this fight. I can’t tell you this because I don’t have the language for it and it wouldn’t make sense anyway. But I need this fight. Badly. I need to hate you right now and I need you to survive it. I need you to survive my hating you and you hating me.” © 2015 Gretchen L Schmelzer

Alice’s take:

EXCELLENT letter and one that is as pertinent for teens as it is for toddlers.

When we can provide the safe place for our kids of ANY age to “bang around” in as they sort themselves out, FEEL, discover, experience, then our kids truly can learn and grow. And our relationships can be that much healthier and more connected. WE can be seen (perhaps in time…) as the resource we’d like to be for our kids.

They NEED the fight. The tantrum. The test-test-testing.

And it is absolutely essential that we (more often than not, since really, this is all about tipping the balance rather

than being perfect…) pass their test.

How does this look?

Pausing. Whether for a brief moment or hours…

Calming ourselves as best we can. Breathe? Focus on a brief task? Telling yourself “I can do this…this too shall pass…”? Encouraging self talk. It can do wonders.

Getting clear on just what it is we want the most–-whether it is to just get out the door in one piece and hopefully with all necessary parts stuffed in the backpacks, a relationship that feels strong and healthy, or our child feeling that much more competent and capable…

Then stepping BACK in and responding to our child from this calmer and clearer place. Responding rather than reacting. Essential. And it is less about what you then say or do and WAY more about HOW you say and do it. Calmly. With connection. Respectfully.

Now our child can feel heard. Understood. Safe and secure. Our child can feel respected–because of feeling heard AND because we have more likely honored their choice by calmly following through with the results of their choice. Even if it is still a NO. When we’ve taken the moment to gather ourselves and respond instead of react, our NO is received more productively (even if it is still LOUD and upset…).

Or maybe it isn’t about NO.

Maybe it is about giving a safe place for your very upset and angry teen to unload, to know they can “empty their bucket” entirely because you are calm and listening. No decisions, consequences, answers. Just the safe place to feel and eventually process. Then maybe you can come back together, explore all that came pouring out, ask questions, and truly collaborate.

“I am relying entirely on your ability to stay in this fight. No matter how much I argue. No matter how much I sulk. No matter how silent I get.” (Gretchen L Schmelzer)

Our children need to KNOW, without a doubt,

that they can count on us to keep it together even

(and most especially) when they cannot.

Now that is powerful.

So today, PAUSE. Know that you CAN be the steady, safe place for your child to bang around in and sort things out. Trust this. Keep your attention on the kind of future adult and relationship with your child you want the most. Because what we focus on grows.

Know that my books can be a real and positive resource for you as you struggle and know that your struggle is as essential as your child’s need to test and fight .

Thank you to Gretchen Schmelzer (www.gretchenschmelzer.com) for a fabulous write-up. Here’s to the dad and 16-year-old I care about very much…

Respectfully and hopefully,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Choice, but my choice, please!

January 18, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

No, no! If you do that, mommy is going to be so sad…”

“If you don’t make the right choice, you are going to lose your iPad…privilege…treat…play-time…books…”

“You have a choice to make, young man! You can either do it the way we said, or you’ll be in trouble.”

Sound familiar? I was talking with a parent recently who mentioned how she gives choices and always tells her child to make the “right choice” so he won’t get in trouble and she won’t get mad. I paused, and then delved a bit deeper and heard more of her stories and talked with her a bit about just what this kind of choice often communicates…

When we find ourselves (and we all do this at times!) giving choices contingent on how we will feel or with what can be heard as a “threat” or really not a choice at all when we say “do it the right way!” then what we are really communicating to our children is their only choice is to either comply or rebel.

There is little room for independent thought and action, for someone to choose based on what THEY feel they want, should do, would like–for they are far too focused on OUR demands.

There is little room for them to feel capable and competent as they can (and need to) when they have the opportunity to choose, discover and experience the result of their choice, and learn a bit more about managing themselves.

Being asked to make the “right choice” so we won’t get mad and they won’t get in trouble communicates that they are responsible for how we feel (pretty tough place for a child, to feel like they are in charge of our feelings); it communicates “I’m the boss and I know what you need/should do/want better than YOU do…” (which can grow children who always look to others to tell them what they need/should do/want…); and it can communicate disrespect. Probably not what anyone ever intends. And yes, we often DO know what they “should” do for we are many years older and have many experiences tucked under our belt and we really don’t want our kids to make the mistakes we did. If they’d only listen . And we often work very hard to get them to listen, to do it our way, the right way, the way that makes things easier for them–and us.

So really, this kind of choice that leaves our kids either complying (whew!) or rebelling (yikes) is more about OUR anxiety as parents–about our lack of confidence, our need to feel “in control”, about looking like a “good parent”, about maybe just really wanting to get out the door in one piece and with all that everyone needs for the day .

Which, of course, happens (just wanting to get out the door in one piece)–and when we can slowly tip the balance towards healthier ways to give and respond to choices, it matters very little if there is a now and again day of “making kids comply” to make the moment easier for us.

What can we do to influence our kids in such a way that they decide on their own to make more productive choices? To focus on themselves and how they feel, what they like/don’t like, what is their responsibility….? To really grow from the inside out?

PAUSE.

Focus first on YOUR self and take care of your feelings–whether it is anger, sadness, frustration, feeling overwhelmed. “Take care” can be a moment to breathe, a chance for a self-care deposit, a quiet affirmation to yourself of how you feel.

Be clear on the expectations for your child–and give them a choice without asking them to choose what YOU want them to choose.

Respect their choice by following through with the results of their choice from a place of calm connection–what an incredible way to communicate respect for and belief in who they are becoming. What a way for them to focus on their experience, how it feels, and learn a bit more about what they can do.

What does “respect their choice” look like? I believe:

“You chose to still throw your toy cars. Up they go now onto the fridge, parked safely until tomorrow…” And you calmly gather them up and place them up high–allowing the mad your child will feel and express, showing compassion via, “I know. It really makes you mad that you can’t play with your cars anymore today.” Empathize. Help them take the PAUSE they need to calm themselves down. Offer up your company or something else they can do or throw. Know that how they feel about the result of their choice to throw and how you decide to respond to them is key in helping them learn a bit more about managing themselves.

“I feel sad that you were so frustrated with your work that you ripped it up. Is there anything I can do to help?” And then you sit in their sad or mad for awhile or ask what they’d like to do to help themselves or you gently show them ways to take care of their frustration. If they show concern over your sad, you get to let them know that it is okay for you to be sad…just as it is okay for them to be frustrated. Maybe hugs will follow…Or maybe a need to rip up lots more paper is in order…or maybe they just need to stew a bit until they are ready to try again.

“You know our house rule of no dirty dishes left in your room–and you know that it costs you the privilege of using the iPad for the afternoon.” And you follow through by removing the iPad, calmly and matter-of-factly, allowing the feelings that may be expressed, empathizing and letting calm connection lead as much as possible. Now the attention is less on you (though it may not seem that way as they rage…) and more on the choice they made and how it feels to lose a privilege they enjoy so much–more likely influencing in such a way they will choose a more productive direction the next time around (like bring their dishes into the kitchen–or maybe all the way to the dishwasher!).

Now what can be learned?

That they are responsible for the choice they make and the results that follow.

Not you, but them–and they learn a bit more about how they feel about the results, rather than being focused on how we feel. They learn they can count on us to keep it together no matter how they feel or behave. What a way to grow trust! They learn they can count on us to walk alongside them as they experience the results of their choices, rather than stand over them saying, “I told you so! If you’d only listened…” And as our children have more and more opportunities to experience the results of their choices alongside a calm, consistent, connected adult, the more they learn about themselves, from the inside out.

What a way to grow a future adult who can more likely take responsibility for themselves, be self-directed and in charge of their feelings, know more about themselves from the inside out. What a way to (slowly) make your job as a parent a bit easier–and for you to grow yourself from the inside-out, able to manage your feelings and grow your more confident self. Now how could this parenting deal feel with you feeling calmer and more confident, letting calm connection rule?

PAUSE today.

Give your child the

gift of choice and your calm, consistent follow-through. Give them–and you–the gift that growing and learning

always can be.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Parenting Through Relationship

January 12, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Parenting is all about relationship.

It is way LESS about making our children behave, getting them to just STOP whining, rolling their eyes, talking disrespectfully, being sure they get into all the AP classes in high school or varsity in sports or the college of our choosing. It is way LESS about making them happy or smart or strong or compassionate. It is way LESS about impressing our will and our likes and dislikes and passions onto them. It is way LESS about making them anything.

Parenting is way MORE about US. About how we decide to think, feel, and act. It requires a tremendous amount of our presence, purposefulness, confidence, energy, time, patience, compassion–our GROWTH. Our willingness to grow. Our ability to let go, take care of ourselves, stay strong and consistent when we are clear of a certain direction, be gentle and firm all at the same time. It is about our ability to PAUSE, calm, consider, and then connect from this more centered place. What a difference that makes.

It is about respect and kindness–to our children and to ourselves. It is about feelings–welcoming in all feelings, giving them each a place of value in your life, being unafraid to step into the LOUD, unhappy, MAD, distraught times and be willing to be there in the midst of it all with your child, with yourself. It is about valuing and respecting differences and abilities, strengths and struggles. It is about the respect and kindness we show our children so they, too, can learn to respect and be kind to others.

It is about focusing first on our self in order to calm down, get clear on what we want the most, and then respond to our child or a situation based on what we really want–rather than letting the emotions or the circumstance best us. And they will at times! PAUSE often. A mantra to live and act by.

It is about time. Time together, time apart, time spent playing, learning, exploring. Time given for our child to get lost in their play. Time preserved for meals and conversations and holding hands on a walk together. Time that is slow enough to truly relish being with each other; time respected as we work at keeping our days and families moving forward.

It is about the little moments. All through our day, every day–these little moments are where relationships can be strengthened and honored. Taking the moment to study the insect alongside our curious toddler. Taking the moment to pause and listen with full attention to our over-the-top excited first grader. Taking the moment to quietly watch our child at play. Taking the moment to make silly faces with our preschooler or give a quick hug to a bristly teen or linger with our baby during a diaper change. Little moments. They add up and become, over time, the foundation for bigger moments to flourish.

It is about being what we hope our children will become. Be compassionate, kind, gentle. Be funny, thoughtful, a good listener. Be respectful, someone they can count on, a warm and snuggly lap. Be adventurous and strong and curious. Instead of focusing so much on making them into what we intend, walk it ourselves. With confidence. With connection at the forefront. With acceptance. Then watch what begins to emerge…

Parenting through relationship. This is where strength is.

This is where, no matter the chaos or grief or joy that accompany your journey, you feel strong and good from way down deep that you are growing relationships that matter. That you have the gift of a relationship that enriches both you and another. That you appreciate and reflect on and have memories that put smiles on your face and in your heart. No matter the chaos or grief or joy.

Parenting through relationship. Truly a powerful statement. Let my books help you do just this.

Make it great today.
Alice
©2019 Alice Hanscam

Anxiety and Our Parenting

January 8, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Self-care Comment

Be willing to carry the anxiety along with you.

What a powerful statement that another reader shared on a post of mine recently.

Anxiety. It is an integral and maybe less welcomed part of parenting. None of us escape it. Many of us are driven by it, perhaps just now and again along our journey, perhaps daily. Yet it is with anxiety in the driver’s seat that we can undermine the growth of healthy, positive relationships and weaken our ability to grow the strong, inner-directed adults we hope for in our children.

With anxiety leading the way we may be more likely to do whatever it takes to prevent our child from struggling, failing, falling. Sounds important, doesn’t it? To stop our child from struggle? Consider this…as we continually prevent the struggle, the fail, whatever it is we see as a problem, we are robbing our children of the opportunity to learn how to manage these hard things; we are robbing them of the chance to grow stronger, from the inside out.

This can look like…

~ constantly preventing minor injury such as discovering untied laces can cause tripping, or pedaling your trike too fast can make you fall, or it hurts when little fingers get pinched by a slide-y drawer, or climbing to the top of the jungle gym can be scary. It hurts us too much to see them hurt so we rescue, prevent, avoid, keep away from…

~ constant hovering or nagging over getting home-work done. We want the good grades so we can feel like we’ve done our job well! And yes, good grades–or grades our children feel good about–are important. Yet the work to achieve those? It is our child’s.

~ yelling at our child for yet again pushing our button–hoping of course that our yelling will finally get them to stop pushing our button as if it is their job to control our buttons in the first place! Which really means how we feel is up to them. Scary place for a child to be–taking responsibility for OUR feelings.

~ reaching over and putting the puzzle piece our preschooler is struggling with into the space for them. Maybe because we want to avoid the tantrum his frustration is surely to provoke; maybe because we just can’t stand seeing them unsuccessful.

~ immediately saying “NO” to requests of our teens because it just is so out of our comfort zone…and losing ground rapidly because, really, we cannot control what they ultimately decide to do–we can only control what we decide to do. And now our teen may see us less and less as the resource we need and want to be for them.

Anxiety. It can undermine just the kind of relationships and future adults we want—but it doesn’t have to. As my friend said, be willing to carry it along with you. Try opening your arms and welcoming it in to the best of your ability. Give it a place to be within you and try looking at it through the lens of a gift for growth.

A gift that reminds you of how deeply you care,

of how a situation is calling you to look more carefully at it, of an opportunity to pause and consider what you really want.

It is there for our growth–and the more we can welcome it in with the little moments with our children, the more we can manage it when the bigger moments occur. And consider what amazing role modeling you are doing when you show your child that your anxiety is your job to handle, not theirs.

That you can accept your anxiety over a choice they are making and still give them space to make it. Being there and truly available to walk alongside them rather than doing whatever it takes to ‘make it all better.’ Truly relationship building on many levels as you communicate your confidence in their abilities and that they can count on you. This is how trust is built. And it is trust that is the foundation for healthy growth.

What a gift to our kids, for now they are learning who they are, what they can do, how they feel and what to do with all their feelings, because we are taking care of our own.

Today, when that anxiety churns you up, PAUSE. Greet your anxiety for what it is. Name it, affirm it, move it aside. No need to “make it all better” by trying to make your child feel or be a certain way. *Just* focus on yourself, first by letting a PAUSE work its magic.

Notice how, if you do this consistently, you CAN relax and your anxiety dissipates. And as your anxiety slips away, notice how this influences those challenging moments and your relationships with your children. Notice how you feel; notice how incredibly capable and competent and careful and carefree and curious your children are!

I think you will like the shift. And so will your children.

Respectfully,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Show Your Toddler How

January 6, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

A story for you!

A young toddler, Mama, and adult friend. A puzzle that has 9 small blocks. Toddler, upon hearing that YES it is time to head outside to play, picks up the frame holding the blocks and happily DUMPS them all over the floor and then proceeds to head to the stairs to go on outdoors…a favorite place to be!

HERE is where something important can happen. Here is where we can decide to:

1) Feel frustrated with the added mess and react with, “NO. We aren’t going outside. Pick up those blocks right now!”

2) Ignore it because you really don’t want a battle, so you step over the blocks and join your little one marching down the stairs. OR lean down and scoop up the blocks yourself and put them away.

3) Guide this little guy through just what we really want the most–someone who knows how to take responsibility for something they’ve done. (We’ll get back to this in a moment).

The first option?

We want them to learn to clean up messes, right? We want them to know dumping then walking away from it just isn’t okay. We get a bit hot. Irritated. Maybe just frustrated that there is yet another mess to deal with. Our toddler in this option is most likely going to resist like crazy. Keep walking down the stairs and ignore us. Plop on the floor and say, “NOOOOOOO.” Pick up a block or two and throw them just to see how mad you really can get. Not much learned here other than mom gets mad and we have a battle and toddler ends up a wreck. Mom, too. Forget going outside to play.

The second option?

Well, we typically do this because of our own anxiety of having to deal with option number one’s response. So we just take care of it. Or not. Lesson learned? Toddler doesn’t have to take responsibility for his actions. Toddler doesn’t learn a bit more about how to clean up, where things go, that everyone in the home participates to keep things going smoothly. And really, those 9 blocks? Way easier to take the moment to help toddler take responsibility for this choice, than, say, eventually being faced with a teen who assumes little to no responsibility at all…

The third option.

This is key and it requires a PAUSE to consider just what you want learned. And what this Mama and friend wanted was a little guy who participated willingly in taking care of messes before moving on to the next play choice. A little guy (and future teen!) who took responsibility for his choices.

Here is what unfolded with Mama, toddler, and adult friend (me, by the way ):

Me: “Oh! All NINE blocks are on the floor. Hmmmm. I’m going to pick up 1-2-3 of them.”

Mama: “And I’M going to pick up 1-2-3 of them, too!”

Toddler–looking at both of us enjoying ourselves as we very intentionally picked up 1-2-3 blocks each and counted out loud–says, “Nano (his nickname for himself) pick up…one…TWO…THREEEEEE!”

Then one at a time we each plunked our three back into the frame they belonged in…counting once again. Then Toddler picked up the frame and placed it carefully on the shelf from which it came.

Me: “Thank you for picking up the blocks and putting them back on the shelf. You know just where they belong!”

Mama: “NOW let’s go outside!”

And off the three of us went.

What was learned?

How to clean up a mess. How to count . What “three” means. How to put the puzzle back together. That this can all be fun and done together. That your effort to clean up is appreciated and encouraged. That toddler can count on help, on us following through with going outside. What “taking responsibility” means…

So much learned! Peacefully. Positively. Respectfully. No battle. Just cooperation and teamwork and FUN. THIS is what is different when we can PAUSE. Take a moment to think about what we really want and step in with calm connection leading the way. Now our little one will more likely be influenced in such a way to clean up on their own. To put one thing away before the next is brought out–or at least some of the time (it is a process!).

And really, even when we are in a hurry we can often take this moment to slow ourselves down because those battles that unfold when we rush? They tend to cost us w-a-y more time then moving slower and more respectfully.

Mama and I both knew that option #3 was best. We also both know that sometimes you DO choose option #2 of stepping past the mess or just taking care of it ourselves, because we are both very tuned in to just when to encourage the clean up and when it needs to wait–toddlers are like that. Being tuned in to when they are most receptive to just what you want to encourage is important for positively influencing them in the long run.

So today, PAUSE. Then let your calm, clear, connected-to-your-child self step forward and interact in such a way your child can truly learn a bit more about healthy choices and living and ways of being. Then appreciate your effort. It can take a lot of work and patience and resilience initially. Give yourself grace for the times you find yourself falling into option #1. Deposit regularly into YOUR self-care-savings account. Notice and appreciate when your little one does things you’d like to see more of. What we focus on grows.

This growth and learning deal takes time. Theirs and ours! These little moments fill our days and give us lots of opportunity to practice, learn, and grow. Give it the respect of time and your calm connection and watch things emerge that are simply wonderful. Really!

With JOY,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

I’m NEXT!

December 26, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

“I’m NEXT!” Teacher Tom writes a wonderful post I encourage you to go take a look at. It’s called: That’s How to Share

“When you’re finished, I want a turn,” (although more often than not it’s expressed as, “I’m next!”) then let the person with possession decide for her or himself when it’s time to give way, which always happens sooner or later…

It’s not a perfect system, prone to abuse, but I think it’s better than the alternative which is for an adult to arbitrarily decide when it’s time to give it up, robbing children of an opportunity to practice working things out for themselves.” (Teacher Tom)

Alice’s take:

YES. Yes yes yes. We so quickly step in and decide for kids how much time they get with something, or decide it is time for them to give it up and give it to another, or for heaven’s sake, just QUIT that “fighting” and SHARE.

Really, it is so much more about our anxiety over conflict.

How are our kids ever going to learn to manage this (anxiety and conflict) if we–the adults–have such a hard time??

Teacher Tom writes about how, when we (the adults) give the respectful space for kids to work it out and sort it out SO MUCH LEARNING occurs. So much.

Respectful space means describing what you see–“Your friends are waiting for a turn when you are finished.”

Respectful space means staying tuned in on the periphery–because if any hurting starts to occur, you will be needed.

Respectful space means TRUSTING the kids to sort it out…and telling them just what you see–“It’s hard to wait!” “So you are going to be next?” “You are figuring out who gets which turn.” “So you want to play until lunch time? Your friends are waiting for their turn.” “You waited and waited and now he is done and it is your turn.”

Respectful space means staying calm and matter-of-fact, communicating confidence to the kids involved that they CAN sort it out.

And just think of all the learning, negotiating, problem solving that then occurs when we can calm our own anxiety over it all!

From the math skills of “whose next in line” and “there’s FOUR of us waiting!” to conversation and language through debating turns, to physical awareness and control from jostling in lines or discovering hitting will be stopped, to self-control for all the same reasons, to self-definition as kids discover just what they can and cannot do, to patience and problem solving and compassion and managing feelings…and on and on. So MUCH learning!

All because we got ourselves out of the way and provided the respectful space for them to sort it out.

It’s hard. And as Teacher Tom said, it can be prone to abuse…hence the need to be observant. It requires us to really consider just what we want the most for our children as they grow through the toddler and preschool years. Do we want the compliance that has US feeling better, more in control? Which is really what compliance is all about.

Or real growth and learning with a trusted adult alongside as tumultuous feelings and conflict and heated negotiations take place?

It’s hard. And the work we do as adults to manage our OWN anxiety over conflict is essential for our children to grow well. Start with these moments of “It’s MY TURN. I want it!” with a PAUSE in place, a deep breath, and just state what you see.

Start there. You may be surprised by what follows…and here is another post on just this topic that can help you along that I think you may enjoy: Let’s Talk Sharing.

Thank you, Teacher Tom. Your work is greatly appreciated! And inspires ME to write more 🙂 .

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

A Parent Like You

December 20, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! 2 Comments

A story for you…

A parent recently shared her frustration over her 8-year-old son and all the BIG feelings erupting…and her desire to feel far calmer and more content in all things family.

Mom found herself reactively scolding her son to “Cool your jets!” and “Use a polite voice!” Totally understandable–just think, in a small and busy coffee shop, all eyes upon you, and all you want is to get your child to STOP.

Yet her intent to get him to be quieter and more polite done from this reactive place actually stirred things up even more and left them feeling all rather crummy.

No real learning, just an unresolved conflict and upset folks.

She knew she wanted to do it differently. She knew she COULD do it differently and in a way that was relationship building.

Here’s what she realized:

…Affirm his feelings, “Wow. You are super upset! Do you think you can’t have the treat I promised you?”

...Stay lighthearted as best as possible

Now the interaction can become an opportunity

for real learning. For relationship building. For respect and teamwork and understanding to step up.

To heck with embarrassment! Now you’ve just role-modeled for all what respect looks like no matter how your child decides to behave .

What a difference that can make.

Start with a PAUSE when you find yourself in one of THOSE situations. Focus on the calm connection you intend, on the successes you have had. And then tell me what you notice is different. I think you will like what you see, for what we focus on grows. And check out either or both my books to help you along…

Here’s to BIG feelings and the power of PAUSE!

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

My Own Story of PAUSE…

December 7, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care, Story Time! Comment

My eldest daughter has been a great teacher for me—I like to refer to her as my “practice child,” for her younger sister has reaped the benefits of all that Iʼve learned from her.

**My greatest lesson? PAUSE and the power of calm connection.**

It seems to me this is the baseline for growing positive, respectful, all around healthy relationships with our children…and it took my child to bring it to my attention. And YES. I am still strengthening the muscle PAUSE is. Often 🙂 . I find the results can be amazing—often transformational.

As Emily entered her teen years, our ability to knock heads just kept ramping right on up—we were BOTH equally stubborn, both wanting The Last Word, to be right, to be in control. One particular round of knocking heads stands out to me, for it was the one that showed me just how valuable PAUSE can be. Funny how it can take the big blow-ups to do this for us! I guess there really are gifts to be appreciated in these…

Emily wanted something and I was reacting with my usual and quick “NO!” It’s just all too easy to let that NO slip out! She, of course, reacted just like me (I was her best role model…) and verbally fought back. Things escalated and soon she was in a full out tantrum, one that would rival any toddlerʼs. Iʼm not sure if I screamed (losing it just as my daughter had) for her to go to her room or if she just stomped off, but her door slammed and all became quiet.

I remember sitting there on the floor, tears streaming down my face, overwhelmed with anger and a deep sadness. My cat came to curl up onto my lap—Iʼm not sure whether to seek comfort or to give it—and as I stroked her I found I could begin to calm down and collect myself. My first semblance of PAUSE. My husband—thankfully there and available—listened to me as I unloaded all my upset. I began to relax and wish I could take back how I had behaved with Emily. I wished—no, I yearned–for a do-over.

Another gift of a PAUSE, this yearning, for it gave me the bit of space I needed to gain clarity over what I really wanted. And that was to feel oh-so-much better and connected to my daughter in relationship-building ways. To be able to talk, listen, even argue without it becoming such a heated MESS.

And then I was completely surprised, for my daughter re-emerged, joined me in the living room, pushed the cat gently out of my lap, and curled her young adult-sized body into it. She lay there just as my cat had been moments before—curled up tight. I found the last of my reactive-ness fade away and I continued my stroking—but on my daughterʼs back this time. Soon we began talking and before long we had both apologized, collaborated, and compromised—reaching a decision that truly felt more of a win-win for both of us.

A transformational moment in our relationship for we felt meaningfully connected with each other. A deep, genuine connection.

The kind that fills your heart.

What gave us this opportunity that had us feeling connected in a truly meaningful way? Emily’s PAUSE.

She removed herself (albeit with slamming doors…), calmed herself down, and then courageously reconnected with me. Her removing herself gifted me a PAUSE, as well. I had space to let go of my anger, to take deep breaths, to calm myself down—allowing me to be receptive to her reconnection.

THIS is part of the magic of PAUSE—it allows you

to be receptive to another.

Alice and both the great teachers of PAUSE in her life…

My lessons didnʼt stop here. Oh yes. I had LOTS of opportunity to realize I had so much to learn. Still do, by the way 🙂 . Many times through her teen years Emily created the PAUSE that I was having a hard time doing. I grew to admire her ability to come back calmed down and ready to try again, listen, and be heard.

My heart would open up, I would be able to hear what she was saying, and weʼd usually find solutions that worked for both of us. But it took her being what I now consider the bigger person—she used the power of PAUSE successfully long before I did, long before I was aware of its power. She has been a great teacher and “practice child”!! Lucky younger sister…

My awareness of how PAUSE and calm connection can take what often is relationship-depleting and transform it into a relationship-building experience grew. I got better and stronger as I practiced it. I can tell, because I am discovering those button pushing moments to heat me up way less often that I can create the PAUSE I need prior to reacting. And something I’ve learned is how a PAUSE can look different with each situation.

My PAUSE looks different with each situation.

Sometimes I model myself after a friend who is a pro at this already and say, “Let me think on that awhile and Iʼll get back to you”—and then I do, even if it takes all day to find the calm and clarity from which to work from.

Sometimes I break eye contact, turning my attention to a chore that needs to be done—often it was swiping at the kitchen counter, something that got my adrenaline out AND gave me the break I needed to think more clearly (and it got one of the million chores done–and left my kitchen looking better!)

There have been times when all I can say is “Iʼm feeling pretty upset. I need to take a break,” and then do so. Often via a quick walk outside. Always seems to help…

And there are moments when I literally zip and lock my mouth and just sit with my child in their feelings. That’s hard for me, for talking is what I do best.

Each time I find I am able to reconnect feeling calm(er), more ready to ask questions, listen, and be heard—as well as respected. What a difference from yelling, banging doors, tears, and “Iʼm going to do it anyway, you canʼt stop me!” experiences.

What message am I giving my girls when I can remain calm and connected as they explore the challenges and limits of life? I like to think they are learning appropriate ways to be an adult and to handle strong feelings. I believe they are feeling heard and respected, and in return they often find the limits I make acceptable—or I find their idea is something we can compromise on, or just go ahead and try. I look back on how Emily and I were a few years ago, and where we are now— our relationship has become such a mutually respectful, loving, totally fun one and it brings me real JOY.

I credit PAUSE as the key took our relationship during her teen years from the rocky, reactive place it was and allowed it to bloom into what it is today. Truly feeling deeply, respectfully, meaningfully connected. Thoroughly enjoying each other’s company! And still pushing each other’s buttons at times…and yet, NOW we have twinkles in our eyes rather than daggers… :-).

When we PAUSE and let the power of calm connection

lead the way, we have the ability to transform our relationships. We have the ability to deposit whole-heartedly into the healthy relationships we all want in our lives.

We have the ability to live well and thrive.

We all want positive, respectful relationships with our children—and we want our children to grow up experiencing the same. Using PAUSE is a “simple” tool that has the profound ability to transform our relationships, from infancy on. And like a muscle, each time you practice it, it gets stronger.

Take a moment today, before reacting to your child, find a place of calm within you, and think about what it is you want most with your relationship, and how your response and this moment in time could be a stepping stone in that direction

Take a moment to PAUSE and let the power of calm

connection bring you to greater peace, more ease, and real joy in all of your relationships.

You and your children are worth it. Find help right here via either or both of my books.

And here’s another article that can help: PAUSE.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Stress, Conflict, and Relationships…

November 28, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional 2 Comments

“How we handle stress and conflict is

where relationships are born”

( screamfree and Hal Runkel )

I truly appreciate Hal’s work and all that I’ve learned and grown from as a result. Relationships are our foundation in life. Building healthy ones is essential. How we handle stress and conflict determines so much about the health of our relationships.

This is where how we decide to behave or respond in a heated situation either becomes relationship-building or relationship-depleting. And we get plenty of opportunity to practice, for conflicts and challenges with children come…well..sometimes every few minutes…:-)

Relationships are easy when things are all rosy. The real test is when it goes south…and here is where we have a choice.

So often we want to avoid the conflict or fix it immediately. Those unhappy, mad, testing, frustrated moments are uncomfortable–fixing them, making them go away gives us relief. But what does that require? Taking control of how our child is behaving–making them stop, ignoring them completely, cajoling, bribing, demanding, threatening. We become reactive, things spiral up, everyone ends up feeling yucky no matter how it turns out.

What does this communicate to our child? “You cannot count on me to keep it together when you are upset.” “You need me to decide for you how to feel and behave.” “I don’t have confidence in your ability to manage your self.” That the stronger and more powerful one wins…probably not the message you really want to give. Definitely relationship depleting.

Our choice as things go south? PAUSE….

...and calm ourselves, first and foremost. Being able to calm ourselves (or act-as-if!) and then join in alongside our child through any conflict or discomfort speaks volumes. Respond rather than react. Listen. Collaborate. Still say “NO” as necessary AND from a calm and connected place. Now you are saying, “You can count on me to keep it together even when you cannot,” “I have confidence in you,” “We will be okay,” “How you feel is up to you and I accept your feelings,” “I’ll be here with you as you work through your upset.” What empowering messages for our child.

I so love this story by Janet Lansbury – Elevating Child Care-–How To Be The Gentle Leader Your Child Needs.

It illustrates just what can happen as we calmly, kindly, and with gentle firmness guide our children through a conflict. With little ones you’ll discover quickly how safe they’ll feel, how connected you are, how good it can be following a conflict. And you’ll know, from deep down, that things are right between you. The conflict? It mellows. Especially due to your calm connection. And your child learns. They can trust you. They feel safe. Your relationship just got stronger.

With older kids, it can take longer. Standing calm, firm, and connected as your teen slams their bedroom door yet again can be incredibly difficult. The desire to go barging in and yell at them to listen, to cut it out, to ‘know better’ is tempting. And in the moment, you may get begrudging and resentful compliance. And this, ultimately, is relationship-depleting . For if they live with begrudgingly and resentfully ‘minding’ you, why would they ever turn to you for support and guidance when they really need it? And if they are busy hearing our “You need ME in order to tell you how to behave and feel”, this can translate to needing a peer to tell them how to handle drugs, sex, alcohol…yikes.

Staying calm, being available to re-connect, being kind and firm in the ‘no’ brings–over time with a teen (with any child)– respect. Now they can feel heard, maybe even understood. There more likely can be compromises. “No’s” can turn into positive negotiations and opportunities to say “Hmmm. I hear you. Let’s give it a try your way.” In many ways it is just like the toddler and preschooler tantruming–the calmer the space you can create with consistent, kind, clear messages, the more likely your teen can calm themselves and be available to really listen. And now they are more likely to tune into themselves–rather than our reactivity. It just takes longer and requires us to trust and persevere…and be patient. It really is a process.

Take time to look for where you are most consistent with your child, where what could be a challenge really isn’t. Think about how you are behaving in those situations. Notice how you feel–your calm, your clarity over what you want or expect, your ability to stay connected and be consistent with following through. Notice how, over time, a difficult situation can change as you choose to stay calm, connected, and consistent day in and day out. And reflect on how your relationship feels.

Relationships are born and grown in the midst of stress and conflict. Grow yours in the direction you want the most–towards trust, caring, confidence, compassion, respect.

And then go take care of yourself–your relationship with YOU is the foundation for all other relationships. Today trust yourself, care for yourself, be confident in yourself, show compassion and respect for yourself. It’ll speak volumes to those around you.

Need help? Here you go: PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection and/or Alice’s Author Page.

Here’s to PAUSE…and growing amazing relationships.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Let’s Take Care of Each Other

November 4, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional Comment

“You touched my soul and reminded me about what this country is all about and why it is so great. Let’s stop screaming at each other. Let’s just take care of each other. You made my day.” General Colin Powell, former Secretary of State.

Recently General Powell, upon responding to the gentleman who stopped to help him during a road side flat tire, spoke to how great we CAN be. Yes, he was speaking in regards to the USA, and I’d like to take it further.

Much further.

It struck me, “Let’s just take care of each other.” It seems to me this is spectacularly simple and absolutely essential. And it begins with each of us. There are many levels to what he has said. And it certainly pertains to our world, all our communities, everyone.

Taking care of ourselves.

Taking care of our children.

Taking care of how we think, feel, act.

Taking care with our words.

Taking care of our environment.

Taking care of our world.

“Let’s just take care of each other.” Then there is his first phrase, “Let’s stop screaming at each other.”

Oh YES. Again, in all ways. From the top down and the bottom up. Yet really, if we want our leaders and communities and ourselves to STOP screaming, to be calmer, to listen, to truly demonstrate “taking care…” then we need to do one very simple thing, first and foremost.

PAUSE. Always, always a PAUSE.

It begins with each and every one of US, this difference we can make for our world. It begins with a PAUSE.

A PAUSE that allows us to take a breath in a heated situation. To calm ourselves, even a bit. To consider with care just what it is we want the most–and I mean in the big picture, including and most especially as parents. The big picture takes you out of the heat of the moment–out of “I just want my child to BEHAVE!” and into just what that translates to as you see yourself successfully parenting a child towards a responsible, self-directed adulthood. Because often it isn’t about behaving a certain way in the moment..

It is about helping our children to learn to manage themselves in the long term in order to navigate life in healthy, affirming, productive, considerate, contributing ways, and building healthy relationships along the way.

That’s a whole other article and I’ve written plenty along those lines. Just peruse my blog and you’ll discover oh so much. Let’s step back to where we were, PAUSING, calming, considering with care all that our child (or world) has presented us with.

To consider just what we want the MOST for our child to learn in whatever the situation is that is pushing our button.

To consider just what WE need to say and do to respectfully and with care help them along this process learning is.

To then step in and respond, calmly, considerately, with CARE. Leave the screaming behind. Respond instead of react. What a way to communicate respect. What a way to demonstrate taking care of each other. What a way to touch another’s soul.

It requires us to focus on our selves, first and foremost. To truly be inner directed and outer focused. Inner directed coming from the steady, centered place from within. Outer focused meaning taking that steady, centered soul and extending outward to those around us, to touch another.

Just like the gentleman who stopped to help General Powell.

Just like the kind person in the grocery store who saw you were frazzled and let you in line ahead of her.

Just like the stranger who ran to rescue your child’s special blankey that blew away because your hands were full. Or just because.

Just like the neighbor who showed up at your doorstep with a plate of warm cookies and a welcoming smile.

Just like when you PAUSE in your day to accommodate your child’s need for a lap and a snuggle.

Just like...you fill in the blank.

This “taking care of each other?” It is all around us. Every single day. Everywhere you go. And remember, what you focus on, grows. You *just* have to look for it. Look around with appreciative eyes. Notice the kindness, the good, the courageous, the helping, the willingness, the twinkles, the JOY, the raw feelings shared, the opportunities that are always there to “take care” of another. To BE a helper, even if it is just how you think encouraging thoughts or sit silently with another in their grief, not knowing what to say.

Now consid

er the RESPECT that is now communicated. When we PAUSE, calm, reflect, respond; when we take care of ourselves, and intentionally care for others–we are communicating a deep care and RESPECT for all.

And when we can take care, be calm, connect from this respectful place, so many good things unfold. Productive things. Collaborative, cooperative, energizing things. Things that feel right, good, whole. Things that feel like GROWTH.

PAUSE. The cool thing? As we continue to get an overwhelming amount of opportunity to practice doing just this, we strengthen our pause muscle to the point where we have taken it deeper.

Now we CAN live from the steady, centered, inner-directed

place that allows us to influence and impact our children, world, all our relationships in life affirming ways.

Life affirming.

It struck me, “Let’s just take care of each other.” It seems to me this is spectacularly simple and absolutely essential. Today, take care of YOU so you can take care of and take care with others around you.

Touch someone’s soul.

Respectfully,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Thinking Ahead With Respect

October 9, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

In the midst of parenting a young child? Consider this…

You’ll want your future teen to be able to say no to negative peer pressure or unwanted sexual activity.

You’ll want your future teen to have a clear idea of what feels right and good to him or her.

You’ll want your teen to show respect, both for themselves and for others.

You can begin right now with your young(er) child to build the foundation and relationship that will more likely grow a teen able to do all of the above.

It starts with OUR respect. Begin now to model how your child deserves to be treated by respecting privacy, respecting bodies respecting their space–both emotional and physical. What does this look like with our younger kids? A few ideas:

Stop tickling when they say no or stop or don’t.

Knock first on their bedroom/bathroom door and ask to come in.

Ask first if they are ready for a hug, and wait for their answer–and respect it if they say no.

Ask first if they are ready to have their face washed, their shampoo rinsed, their diaper changed, and wait for them to respond. And when you have to wash, rinse or change? Then let them know you are going to and pause to give them the moment to be ready.

Calm your anxiety over their messy room–give them that space to call their own and be responsible for it…and that means letting go of the mess that accumulates (other than the once a month obligatory deep clean!). It also may mean letting them know you will blow a kiss from the door to say goodnight, since you are unwilling to risk tripping and falling your way to their bed.

Let them struggle. Affirm the difficulty, the feelings; ask them what they think they can do. Describe what you see as they work at a stubborn puzzle piece or finicky sock or challenging playground equipment. Let them know you are there and when they are ready, you are happy to help–and then step back.

Give them options other than kissing Aunt Martha or Grandpa–let them know they get to decide how to greet them in a way that is comfortable to them.

Let your child disagree with you–ask them what they think and accept it as their opinions. Stop yourself from trying to convince them to see it your way. Listen, affirm, and if things still need to happen the way you see best, calmly follow through. Now their ideas are valued, and cooperation can step up.

Respect. Model it from day one and you will more likely grow a teen with a strong sense of self and the ability to navigate pressures in healthy ways. Truly relationship building.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Let’s Talk Sharing

September 3, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

Let’s talk sharing. I found myself lingering in our local library recently, enjoying the ‘learn, play, read’ area they’ve created for infants to preschoolers. I watched how parents quietly sat on the floor and stayed present to their exploring little ones. I loved the access to so many fabulous books.

And I heard the inevitable “Share!” “No, no, be nice, you have to share.” “You can’t have that, you have to share it.”

This sharing deal? It really is more about us than our children.

Think about it. Developmentally it is between 3 and 5 that children really grasp what sharing is all about. Yet we demand our toddlers and young preschoolers to somehow just ‘know’ how to do it. And whew, wouldn’t it be nice if they did! No fighting, arguing, grabbing…all is fine and easy and we can feel like good parents.

Sharing requires understanding of ours and another’s feelings and desires. Sharing is about being creative with another as you use something together, it is about being compassionate and giving, it is about being respectful.

How do our young ones grow into the sharing mode?

By our understanding of THEIR feelings and desires, our compassion, our giving, our being respectful of them. This includes beginning with complete ownership over something.

Take a moment and think about your teen years…say you had worked many hours to save up for the beautiful new sweater or dress that you finally bought and your sister demands wearing it prior to you (since you were saving it for that special date sometime in the future) and your parent insisted you “be kind and share, for heaven’s sake”–how might you feel?

I believe you’d feel resentful. You might share, but begrudgingly. It might make you mad. It might even leave you feeling guilty, for not feeling gracious and sharing willingly. And think about how it might influence your relationship with your sister–-probably in less than wonderful ways. This is what is what happens when we, out of our own desire to have our children ‘be nice’ and have what seems to be conflict go away, make our little ones share.

What to do, instead? Respect ownership. If a young toddler knows for sure their time with an item is fully respected, if that is the norm for them that they can be fully submerged in their exploration of whatever toy, then when they feel done it is a simple extension to letting the next toddler have it. All we have to do is respect their feelings, their time, their choice.

Scenarios for you:

“You want a turn with the stuffed kitty.” PAUSE and wait. “Timmy, Grace wants a turn with the kitty.” Wait and watch. “Oh, Grace. It looks like Timmy isn’t done with the kitty. Would you like to play with the truck or read a book while you wait for a turn?”

“It makes you mad that you can’t have the kitty right now. It’s hard to wait, isn’t it? Let’s go over here together and I can help you wait for your turn.”

“When you grab the book, it makes Sally mad. She wasn’t done with it.” PAUSE. “Sally, do you want to finish looking at the book or can Erik have it?” Wait quietly. “Looks like Sally wants to finish reading the book. Erik, can you hand it back or would you like me to help you?” PAUSE once again. “Here, I will help you give it back. I know, you really want a turn. Maybe we can read it together? Or maybe you and I can read THIS book until Sally is done.”

“Hmmm. I see two children who both want the puzzle.” PAUSE. “Wow, Mikey REALLY wants to use it and Sarah is already working with the pieces.” Wait. “Is there another puzzle in this room that we could find?” “Is there something else Mikey might want to play with–Sarah, could you find something for Mikey while he waits for you to be all done?” Or…”Here’s a piece for you to work with, Mikey. Sarah, are you going to put your piece in? Mikey, where does yours fit? Look how you can both work on the puzzle!”

And when sharing naturally occurs? When two little ones are both exploring one thing, or handing something over, or giving a piece of theirs to another? Then you get to let them know “You are sharing! Marie likes it when you share a piece of your snack.” What we focus on grows

Now what is learned–whether a conflict or natural sharing?

Respect. Understanding of feelings. Greater awareness of their own feelings and another’s. What to do when there is conflict.

All necessary for future sharing. The cool thing? As you PAUSE and observe before even jumping in, you may notice these little ones handle it just fine between them. Maybe when a toy is grabbed from another, the other doesn’t mind. Neither should we. They are learning. Maybe when a toy is grabbed it gets grabbed back. Wait. See how it plays out.

Intervention really is only necessary when big feelings take over or hitting/biting begins. Now it’s time to step in, describe what you see, affirm feelings, and PAUSE, always PAUSE through-out, giving your child the opportunity to process and respond. You may be surprised with what they decide to do.

Sharing begins with respect for feelings, ownership, unhurried time.

When a young child feels respected–when their time with something is honored–they naturally will ‘share’ with another. What does this require from us? PAUSING, always :-). Calming our anxiety over what seems like conflict, fighting, disagreements, unfairness. Calming ourselves down as we find ourselves with other parents who do it differently. I know what worked for me was to stay focused on the children involved rather than talk with the other parent. Or I would say, “Let’s see how our kids work it out, first.” Or we’d just chalk up a disintegrating situation to just that. A disintegrating situation. An opportunity to affirm feelings and get the heck out of there.

Relax today. Let your toddler and young preschooler finish what they are doing. Show them the respect you want to see in them as they grow. Trust the process–sharing evolves. Naturally, and often later. Honor the steps one at a time that will create the foundation for not only sharing, but positive and healthy relationships. There is no hurry.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Just LISTEN to me!

August 22, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

We want, at times quite desperately, our words alone to work–aka: Just LISTEN to me!

You know the drill:

…your preschooler gets extra lively in a public place–perhaps ‘over the top’ lively. Maybe pulling things off shelves in a store, or running pell-mell in and out of other people, or just bursting with LOUD. You find yourself saying, over and over, “Please stop. Put that back. Hold still. Be quiet. COME HERE NOW…” Over and over and over, to no avail.

...your teen is propped up in front of their computer, Facebook, chat, a favorite TV series all on at the same time. Homework and chores are looming over (your!) head. You find yourself nagging, threatening, bribing–“Get your homework done. Remember to clean the bathroom. Get off of Facebook! If you don’t get onto your jobs soon, I’m going to…” Over and over and over, to no avail.

Your child? They see it is a ticket to do it more, louder, bigger, messier, with sass, THAT tone, you name it. And your anxiety, embarrassment, frustration, and anger gets louder, bigger, messier, comes out with sass, THAT tone, you name it. Oh my, who is the adult in all of this? And things typically disintegrate further.

How would it feel to be confident your child can choose

appropriate behavior as necessary? That you can count on them to manage themselves well? That they can hear your words the first time and they ARE effective?

I’m betting it would feel absolutely wonderful if you felt confidence in both yourself and your child, in how you communicate, cooperate, collaborate. I’m betting you’d feel steadier and stronger from the inside out, and your child, too. I’m betting things would feel a bit more peaceful and positive. At least some of the time :-).

What might this take?

PAUSE. Always, always PAUSE. It really does come first and is

the foundation for all of this.

Then consider just what you really want the most. If you intend to grow a child who can, on their own, decide to listen, choose appropriate behaviors, be responsible for the choices they make, then it begins with you calming yourself down and recognizing your words alone are not enough–it is essential to say what you mean AND mean what you do. To take action.

Here’s the trick with little guys. Let PAUSE calm you down, then shove your anxiety and embarrassment out of the way, focus on your intent to help your child learn to manage themselves so maybe words alone COULD work eventually, step close to your child and perhaps:

...put your arms around them or your hand on their shoulder; kneel down to their level; maybe pick them up, rubber arms and all.

...steer them gently towards whatever the solution is–if it’s returning items to where they belong, know that you may end up doing most of the work as you gently keep them alongside you–and that’s okay.

...be willing to let them get mad; always affirm their feelings and wishes: “It makes you mad when I stop you from running pell-mell around the store. You’d like me to put you down. It’s not safe and I will hold you.” “You were having fun pulling all the cloth bags off the rack! You really don’t like it when I stop you. The bags belong on the rack…”

...be willing to let go of it all and leave the situation with your child–especially if they’ve reached the tantrum level. Now nothing you say will be heard or processed–calm connection is essential for them to regain self-control and be able to listen to you. It’s okay to head back to the car and leave the full grocery cart behind. It is equally okay to return to the store once calm has been restored–what a way to role model responsibility!

…know what can motivate them positively–-“When you calm down and we finish returning things to the shelves, I can tell you a funny story about…I can listen to your ideas…We can take daddy his lunch…” You are the expert on your child, and you know just what can help move them through a tough situation. Respect their feelings, take your time moving through the challenge, and then use what you know will have you heading the direction you want. My girls LOVED tiptoeing out to see if the ravens were splashing in all the puddles…eventually. After we worked through the MAD or SAD that was holding us up…:-)

And now you’ve communicated that your child

can count on you to keep it together no matter how they behave. That they can count on you to keep your promises and follow through with exactly what your words were saying.

What a powerful message–one that leaves a child feeling safe, able to trust you, secure in your calm connection. This is where children now can learn to manage themselves. Words alone only work when the foundation has been set via action defined by calm connection. A PAUSE allows you to be intentional with your word choice so you CAN follow through and keep your promise. Take care in your words–choose just what you really mean and will do.

Your older child or teen? Let your PAUSE give you time to reflect on just what kind of adult you want to send off into the world, find ways to calm your anxiety over their choices, be clear on what you expect. Self-care, remember? Key for being able to calm our anxiety!

Then let go. Let go of trying to control every little thing and instead consider just what it is you want your child to learn, how you want them to grow, and how best to do so. I remember well the push and pull over homework with my daughter and her finally saying, “Mom, if you keep nagging me about my homework, it’s just going to make me not do it!” And that is exactly what happens when we are caught up in reactivity–we tend to get more of just what we don’t want. I learned–and so did she. I paused, considered what I really wanted, and later went back to her with, “You are right. Homework is your responsibility and you don’t need me to remind you to do it. Here’s what I’m hoping–I ‘d like to know what your plans are to accomplish your work. That will help me be better at letting go of reminding (AKA nagging) you!”

This led to us making more of a team effort that resulted in my backing off and her stepping up. I had to let go of how she did her work (certainly not the way I’D do it!) and appreciate the fact she DID it–and my backing off gave her the message that I believed she was a capable student, able to take full responsibility for her choices (key for successful adulthood).

My words alone were not enough, the action that followed (staying quiet!) spoke volumes.

And here’s the cool thing. Our words alone CAN work--when you’ve set the foundation of trust necessary for your child to believe you. Trust built from your action. Say what you mean and mean what you do. Calmly. With connection.

Pay attention to what DOES work, right now, to use only your words–reflect on what it took to make this successful. I know my toddlers could hear, “Eyes only or one finger touches!” and be successful. It worked, because I had plenty of earlier practice with them, showing them just what I meant, following through with removing them (or the fragile item tempting them!) when they chose otherwise or offering more opportunity when they could just use eyes or one finger touches. What we focus on grows.

Consider where words alone work and consider what has led up to this success. Most likely these successes were preceded by your calm connection, respectful words, and gentle yet firm action.Reflecting on these times can empower you to move through the next “I wish my words alone would work…if they’d only listen to me…why do I have to say it over and over and over again…”…with the calm connection, clarity, and confidence your children need from you.

It takes resilience. Pausing often. Patience. A bit of creativity. Understanding of your child’s age, stage, and need. So be sure to take care of YOU along the way. Here’s something to help you along-–A Recipe for Parenting Success!

It really can make parenting easier…and definitely more joyful!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Be Careful!

August 17, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

“Be careful!” slips out of our mouths often–rather like when we automatically toss out a “Good job!” And really, is it that we want our children to always be focusing on “careful” (which can get them increasingly anxious about…well…ANY thing that we tag those words onto)? Probably not what any of us intend as we toss out our “Be careful!” And totally easy to find yourself doing. Me, too.

I truly appreciate what I found on Backwoods Mama–Raising Outdoor Kids. There is such rich and important learning as we focus our attention–and therefore our child’s–on specifics for that “careful!” Just think, by *pausing* for a moment and encouraging our children to look, listen, think, feel, move, notice, we can help them grow their awareness of their actions, other’s feelings and abilities, and the world around them.

We are helping them PAUSE and consider, then make thoughtful choices.

This is essential for the self-control we so want our kids to exhibit. As we nurture their awareness as they make choices about things, we help them learn to know and control their own bodies, minds, feelings. To know–truly know–what they are capable of, what they like and don’t like, what compassion and empathy are, what is their responsibility, and more.

Most importantly, it helps our children tap into their inner thoughts and feelings–something ever so important for healthy living. And something that can get lost as we rush through our days, letting the “be careful’s” be enough.

And then the language! If you have a baby, toddler, or preschooler the time you take to ask, show, describe enriches them immensely for all of the above reasons AND in their language/comprehension development. What a difference this can make by the time your child begins school.

Today, tomorrow, and beyond, take the time to foster and deepen your child’s awareness by the words you choose as they explore their world. What a gift to you, to them, to our world.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Oh, the FUN!

August 3, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

A story to (hopefully!) delight you as much as it did me:

Two little boys, ages Nearly Six and Three. Exploring a wooded lot in our neighborhood with their parents (hoping to buy and build). Me, walking nearby.

ZOOM come the boys, screeching to a halt in front of me.

Mr. Nearly Six: “HI!!!!!!!!”

Me: “HI!”

Mr. Nearly Six: “Seethathillupthere??? WeranALLthewaytothetopandcameZOOMINGbackdown. Wannasee?”

Mr. Three: “ROAAAAAAR!” (With hands up like a fierce tiger ready to attack.)

Me: “You ran ALL the way up that hill? And FAST on down? (And to Mr. Three–WOW you can ROAR just like a tiger!)”

Mr. Three: “ROOOAAAAAARRRRRR!”

Mr. Nearly Six: “Yes! WannaSee? WATCH ME!”

And off the boys sped, arms and legs pumping as they sped up up up the hill and then ZOOMED down to come, once again, screeching to a stop in front of me.

“ROAAAAARRRRRR!” went Mr. Three.

“Didyouseeus, didyouseeus?” asked Mr. Nearly Six.

Oh, YES, I did! You went ALL the way up to the top of that hill and came zooming down!

And off the boys went. I share because of how much this put a smile on my face and heart :-). Two boys, doing just what a 3 and nearly 6 ought to be doing–outside, roaring, speeding, eventually digging and marching and collecting and squishing in the mud…their eyes a-sparkling, chattering and roaring and exploring.

The parents? I so appreciated how they, too, were enjoying how their boys were playing. No “Be nice, don’t roar, say hi…” etc. Nope, they knew what Threes did. They understood Nearly Sixes. And they saw that their boys were managing their selves in just-right-ways.

They shared their intent to find a place to live that allowed their children to grow up exploring as much of the natural world as possible–sticks and mud and trees. Forts and creeks and holes to dig. Critters and plants and flowers and vegetables. Less technology. More natural world. THIS I truly appreciated and let them know the gift to their boys this intent is.

They refrained from interrupting their boys’ explorations. They erred on quiet and watching–exactly right as these two pretended, created, imagined, exerted, and experienced their parents’ confidence in their ability to manage themselves.

And manage they did. From the ROAAARRRRS of Mister Three (oh, so exactly right for a preschooler!) to the ZOOMNG of Mister Nearly Six.

Time for me to move on with my walk…

“BYE!” with huge arm waves from Mister Nearly Six.

“ROOAAAARRRR!” with claws up from Mister Three.

And off we went, our separate ways.

Enjoy your day today! I am.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

www.denaliparentcoaching.com

All That Button Pushing…

July 22, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Welcome the testing your children do.

Really! I know it sounds like just the opposite of what you feel as your child pushes your button, resists your directions, does something over and over again “just to bug you.” Yet…

Here’s the deal. When we can welcome this testing in, it becomes an opportunity for growth. And growth really is the thing to shoot for, despite the hard of it all. The testing they do is an essential part of growing strong–in themselves and in their relationships. As Hal Runkel of Screamfree Parenting says, “How we handle stress and conflict is where relationships are born.” And oh YES, most definitely their testing creates stress and conflict 🙂

Okay. So our children are supposed to test us–this is their job and it shows just how much growing and changing they are working hard at doing. What exactly does “welcome it in” look like? What exactly is OUR job?

To pass their test.

Our children NEED us to be dependable, stable, calm and confident as much as possible. When we can be–no matter how they decide to feel or behave–we have now just passed their test and shown them they can count on us to BE dependable, stable, calm and confident.

What a way to grow the trust and respect essential

for relationships to flourish. What a way to strengthen the foundation of trust that is absolutely key for all future growing.

Show them the way through all their ups and downs as the responsible to parent–the one who doesn’t NEED them to “behave” in order to feel in control and a good parent and instead can be calm and confident (acting-as-if as necessary!) as you provide them with clear expectations, choices, affirmation of feelings, and always kind and consistent follow through.

Remember–all this growth is a process that takes time, repetition, and loads of patience 🙂

Know that it is okay–and necessary–to be gently firm and decisive when your child needs it the most. To say, “Looks like it’s too hard for you to choose. I will decide for now…” and you do. Doing so with your calm and matter-of-fact self in place is what keeps it a relationship-building, respectful, learning opportunity exchange. A time for real growth.

Welcome your child’s feelings as their OWN--valid, valued and affirmed. No need to stifle:“You don’t need to cry, honey!”; no need to fix: “Here! This will stop you from crying!”; no need to avoid: “I can’t handle this!” as you disappear down the hall…). Instead, name and affirm: “I know you are disappointed, mad, sad…” And then show them what they can do with their feelings, or give them the respectful space (PAUSE!) they need to process. You’ll probably find it’ll help you do the same for yourself.

Put your attention to what you want the most–lessen your attention to the negative behavior and intentionally focus on the neutral and positive ones. As you stand there in front of a Testy Two or Teen, instead of admonishing what they just did:“No no! Dumping all the cat food on the living room floor is NOT okay!” or “How many times have I TOLD you to clean up after yourself..?!”…

…try reflecting back what just happened: “Oh! You poured all the cat food onto the living room floor.” Uh-oh! “I noticed all your dirty dishes from breakfast are still on the table…”, or let your eyes twinkle a bit as you roll up your sleeves, kneel down next to your Testy Two and say softly, “You know, all that kitty food needs to be in our kitty’s bowl so she can eat. Shall we scoop it with our hands or get a big spoon to put it in the bowl?”; or maybe that twinkle for your Testy Teen looks like this, “Hmmmm!” as you look at the dishes and then at your teen, and let your eyes sparkle a bit.

Or maybe it is about communicating clearly and calmly what it is they can expect as a result of their choice—“It’ll be my job feeding the kitty today. I can see it is just too tempting for you to dump her food out–dumping things is just so fun! Let’s go find things you can practice all your dumping with…” “You know honey, I’m always happy to put together a snack for you and I’d appreciate some help on your end with your dishes. Let me know when they are cleaned up and we can fix something tasty!”

Most importantly, let PAUSE step up for you each and every day–notice how it influences relationships, situations, feelings. PAUSE, calm yourself, think about what you want the most, and then respond based on what you really want, rather than the circumstances or emotions of the moment.

What a gift to all relationships!

Real and meaningful connection leads the way as you connect from the calm, steady, dependable place your child needs.

You’ve passed their test.

Welcome the testing your child does. There is so much learning and growth just waiting to happen. THIS is where relationships are born, strengthened, grown. You and your child are worth the hard work their job of testing creates.

And NOW? Go take care of YOUR self. Deposit into your Self-Care-Savings Account regularly–a minute here, a minute there adds up and can give you the patience, resilience, strength to carry on through all the HARD of parenting.

Here’s to you.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Tumultuous Teen Turmoil

July 13, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Door slamming. Talking back. The Last Word Battle. Tears and screaming and I Hate Yous. Sometimes right in your face…

Respectful parenting and the teen years? I have to admit, I floundered. A lot. As my eldest went through the inevitable growth phases that felt VERY TUMULTUOUS, I became as reactive as she.

Not very pretty. Certainly not very respectful. And definitely not very productive.

What worked? Pausing.

Yes, you hear about this from me all the time--because it works. Almost magically, sometimes surprising, and always helpful. Always. I learned to create that space I needed to focus first on myself to calm down a bit–and sometimes that meant heading downstairs to unload on my husband (and maybe sending HIM up, first); or sometimes turning my back and heading into the kitchen to swipe at the counter–only a brief moment, but that’s all it took to give me the second I needed to breathe. The second to PAUSE.

And what those moments REALLY allowed me to do was think about that future adult I was intending on sending off to college and into the world–and in not too many years–and what I “saw” was an amazing young woman, independent, active, smart, involved, creative, adventurous, responsible for herself, respectful of and kind to others. I also “saw” a way-cool future adult who WANTED to come back and spend time with me. To play games, cook and eat good food, go exploring, hang out and talk and talk and talk.

What a difference this made as I stepped back into the fray of all the door slamming, talking back, the battle for the last word. It meant when I stepped back in, I was better at listening. At saying, “Tell me more.” My daughter felt my calmer presence. She felt heard because I listened better. Not great, but better. I discovered a bit more ability to let go of trying to control everything and instead collaborate. My daughter was more likely willing to compromise.

We certainly both felt a bit more connected. And she definitely felt respected. For I had listened. And considered my response. She was then better able to accept my “No” (if it was still a no) with grumbles rather than door slamming. Now THAT felt much better! And all that door slamming, talking back, and battle for the last word? It dissipated…

Some ideas for YOU as you are caught up with a teen in a tumultuous stage include:

“I hear you. I need time to think about it and then I will get back to you.” And you DO get back to them. Respectful all the way around, for they feel your consideration of whatever their issue is–and that feels GOOD.

“Wow. This is really really upsetting you. Tell me more…” ‘Tell me more’ creates a PAUSE…and let’s your teen empty their bucket a bit more, creating a far more respectful space to listen.

“This homework is really stressing you out. Can you take a break from it right now?” Or maybe, “Is there something I can do to help?” or “What would help you get through all of it in time?”

“What do YOU need in order to feel better? Let me know if I can help…”

“You know, I really don’t like your tone of voice, it upsets me. I would be happy to listen to you when you can use a more respectful voice. Let me know…” Then you turn your attention elsewhere–maybe to do a bit of self-care because you are feeling upset.

“We are ALL too upset to sort this out. Let’s re-convene this afternoon and talk then…”

“Man. This really bothers you deep down, doesn’t it? It is really hard and I KNOW we can figure this out…” What a relief for a teen to hear, in the midst of turmoil, that YES, we can figure it out. Maybe we don’t know how, yet, but we will. What a comfort that can be.

Respectful ways to interact in the midst of Teen Turmoil. Now you are more likely to create (re) connection. A calm space. More likely talking together–maybe following the door slamming and angry words, but talking none-the-less. The PAUSE I encourage you to strengthen? It allows us to slow down and create this calmer space. And teens, more than ever, they need us to slow down, for now they can feel heard and respected. And when a teen feels heard and respected, it can be surprising the cooperation, compromise, positive dialogue that follows. Truly relationship-building. Truly respectful.

So no matter the age of your child, when you hit those bumpy, tumultuous, button-pushing, testing times–

PAUSE. Get calm and clear. Respond instead of react. Let go of knowing exactly what you might need to do or say and instead let PAUSE and the power of calm connection lead the way.

And remember, mistakes are opportunities for do-overs and authentic apologies. Growth is just that, growth. How else could we possibly get better and better without the practice of messing up?! PAUSE, first and foremost. Deposit into your Self-Care Account. Be clear on the qualities of that future adult you see in your minds-eye. Trust the process. And always, always look to where you notice all that IS working, going well or better, feeling right and good. Notice the bits and pieces of that way cool future adult showing up right now in your child. What we focus on grows.

If you liked this article, here’s another you might enjoy: https://www.justaskalice.org/2018/06/24/our-response-matters/

Parenting respectfully through the years…

Alice
Author of “Parenting Inspired” and “PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection”
PCI Certified Parent Coach® and ScreamFree Certified Leader
©2017 Alice Hanscam

To Rescue or not to Rescue…

July 6, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

What would YOU do if…

...your newly mobile baby was seemingly stuck under the chair she just rolled and maneuvered herself under–fussing a bit and looking at you with pleading and slightly tear-filled eyes–soon to ramp up out of sheer frustration?

…your 8-year-old came home from school in tears–devastated because he wasn’t invited to his friend’s birthday party? Or allowed to play the tag game on the playground? Or was told he couldn’t sit with his buddies at the lunch table? Ouch. Friends. They can be tough at times…

…your preschooler was struggling extra hard at building with Lego to the point of throwing it or a tantrum or BEGGING you to “do it for MEEEEE”…or frustrated up the gazoo that their drawing just didn’t LOOK like the airplane they wanted and could YOU PLEASE draw it for them…? And if you don’t, then you’ll definitely have a full-blown melt-down to deal with?

...your teen was totally upset and a total mess about the totally UNFAIR grade she got on her project that she worked and worked and worked on–the teacher was so UNFAIR! AND it totally affects her final grade….

…your toddler keeps on hitting you when he doesn’t like you stopping him or saying no to him or changing his diaper or buckling him into his car seat…? Or maybe keeps on pulling all the stuff out of the cupboards that you keep telling him NO to or cleaning up and putting away to just have him dump it all again…and again…?

I’d venture to say you would step into the mode of taking charge and fixing whatever problem your child was caught up in…because, hey, that’s what we DO. We solve problems and we are really good at it. And it is our job, right?

Maybe you would…

…quickly move the chair and rescue your baby and, of course, comfort her.

…tell your 8-year-old how unkind THOSE friends are and “Let’s make new ones or that he can choose not to invite those friends to HIS birthday party or that’s okay, you and I will do something special that day or hey, I’ll join you at lunch and help you let your friends know you CAN sit with them…or I’ll talk to your teachers, so don’t worry…all will be good and you can stop feeling so devastated…”

…just draw the picture for your preschooler or sit down and build for them what they want with Lego--or at least direct them each step of the way. Better then having them freak out, right? Maybe they’ll even keep on drawing and building and you’ll get a bit more peace and quiet. Maybe.

…call or email or text your teen’s teacher and let the teacher know how hard your child worked and really, couldn’t that grade be a bit higher? Or ask what you could do for your child to get a better grade…or complain about how there really wasn’t enough time for your teen to do the job as well as she could and that’s unfair…

…try getting equally mad at your toddler or get a bit more hurried as you rush through very unpleasant diaper changes and car-seat buckling. Or maybe you’d punish them by plunking them in their crib and telling them they have to stop or they’ll have to stay put for a while. Or maybe you just end up slapping their hand (never do I recommend) or throwing up YOUR hands…ANYTHING to get them to stop. And keep the stuff in the cupboard. Talk about a power struggle…

You might. Because we like to solve the problems. It’s in our nature. Yet consider this–consider another layer as to why we solve these problems.

It makes US feel better.

Whew, our child is no longer so upset or sad. Relief! WE feel like a good parent when our child gets good grades. WE feel in control and in charge and (again) a good parent when our child behaves, listens, chooses “right” behavior. We are communicating, “I need YOU to behave so I can feel like I’m doing my job well…”

When we step in regularly to solve our child’s

problem we are often robbing them of an opportunity to grow their capable and competent selves a bit more.

What do they hear? “You need ME in order to manage your body, your feelings, to be a good student, well behaved, popular with friends, able to be happy…” “You need ME in order to be in control of your SELF.”

Probably not what any of us really intend. Because really, it just says, “I don’t think you are a capable, competent soul.”

Fast forward to sending them off into the world. If all along we’ve taken responsibility for solving all those little and then big things that seem to be problems, how will they know how to do it for themselves? How can they possibly feel capable and competent on their own if they’ve heard from us on a regular basis that they need US in order to be so?

Let’s tip the balance another way. Let’s recognize that YES there are times solving is essential. And YES, way more often we can…

PAUSE and consider how we can walk

alongside our child to help them take charge of themselves,

to feel competent and capable, to know they can work at solving their own problems and managing all their feelings.

Let’s get down next to our baby and acknowledge the STUCK and encourage them out. Then maybe nudge the chair a bit. Help them help themselves. Name how they are feeling. This is key.

Let’s affirm our 8-year-old’s intensely hurt feelings and sit with them a bit or at length. Let’s ask them what they’d like to do. Let’s brainstorm with them if they need ideas. And then BE there. For that’s what they really need–company that feels safe and secure and comforting. Now they can better manage all the upset. And yes, it takes time.

Let’s acknowledge our preschooler’s frustration with their work. Let’s ask them if they’d like to take a break (and yes, maybe insist on it and help them do so)…or if they can start with finding the Lego that looks like wing material or maybe pull out paper and markers ourselves and start doodling next to them. Partner with them rather than take over…

Let’s listen carefully to our teen. Affirm their feelings. Acknowledge the hard work we saw them do. Ask them what they would like to say to their teacher–if anything. Or what they might want to do next time to change up the result…or they even WANT to do anything other than just unload on us. Be that safe, comfortable place for them to do so.

Let’s breathe in deeply with our toddler and show them what it is they CAN do. Name their feelings. Hit pillows not people. Help with diaper changes. Give them more things to be in charge of. Set up a cupboard just for them. Include them in cleaning up as well as join in on the dumping 🙂 Honor their feelings always. Stay matter-of-fact as we move through what we have to do…

Now you are tipping the balance toward growing capable,

competent, responsible children and future adults.

Ones who can understand and manage their OWN feelings and behavior. Ones that feel empowered to take charge of the hard. Ones that know we are a resource in whatever way they need us…and that we’ll always BE there. Safe. Comfortable. Available.

Problem solving. It’s a strength–especially when it is applied to ourselves and how WE can step through things with our children that helps them gain strength in the very same skill. Solving their own problems.

Today, take care of YOUR feelings. Calm yourself ahead of time. Affirm yourself as the good parent you already are and intend to be. You don’t NEED your child to be amazingly successful, popular, happy all the time in order to feel good and confident in yourself. Know this, from the inside out.

What a gift to your child, yourself, and all your relationships.

And what HARD work.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Lessons Learned From A Teen

July 1, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Lessons learned from a teenager’s perspective:

~ Sometimes I make fun of what you say—eye-rolls, for sure. It feels like you just don’t GET me or understand ANYTHING. It helps me the most when you just roll with it and get that little twinkle in your eye that makes me feel better, even when I’m annoying you like crazy. When you tell me I’m being disrespectful and have that twinkle in your eye? It makes me feel like trying again.

~ Cleaning up the piles in my room are SO not on my to-do list. Just get over it, please! It’s my room. I mean, I get that it’s a mess… but it’s my mess and I do pick up my piles from the rest of the house for you (at least, occasionally, after rolling my eyes and huff- ing about it). I need you to let me have my room as my space to control—when you do, I learn a whole lot more about what I like and don’t like. It’ll help me be ready to take charge of my own place or dorm room once I leave home!

~ Do NOT nag me over my homework! The more you do, the less I’ll do and that really isn’t what either of us want. It just makes me feel like I have to do (or not do!) my homework for you, rather than me. Totally annoying. Maybe if I just let you know my plan for getting things done you can give me the respect of trusting that I will? Or letting me take the fall for not getting it done? Remember, my grade really isn’t a reflection of you. It belongs entirely to me.

~ I’ll blame you for many things! Just don’t take it personally. Actually, though, there are times I need to blame you so my friends don’t realize it really is me who doesn’t want to do what they want to do. When I can blame you I feel like you are standing with me, helping me stay strong.

~ Just let me VENT and please don’t share your wisdom! Really. Your best response to all my unloading is to stay quiet. At least for a bit. I need to unload and I’ll probably just roll my eyes at you if you actually try to give me advice. Knowing I can unload on you means so much to me. And I’ll probably actually listen to your words of wisdom once I’ve calmed down. Just wait for me to finish first.

~ Your anxiety over all I do is going to be stirred up a TON—from me going on adventures that seem scary to you, to waltzing out of our house dressed in THAT outfit, to hanging with the friends who make choices you’d never feel good about. What I need the most is your calm self, connecting with me by appreciating my courage, or artistic self, or sense of adventure. Then maybe I’ll listen a bit more to YOUR concerns…and it may just influence me to choose otherwise.

~ It’s such a blast having my friends over and you playing a favorite board game with us! (Just don’t embarrass me, okay? Be chill.) They like to hang at our house because you and dad obviously enjoy their company, too. But be sure to leave us alone part of the time—you are my parents, not my friend.

~ Hang on for the emotional roller-coaster ride I’ll take you on! Some days I am down and grumpy and my world is falling apart; other days you can hardly contain my energy and excitement. It helps me the most when you stay steady no matter how I’m feel- ing. I may still stomp off on those bad days or talk non-stop right on over whatever you are trying to tell me, but with you steady and calm, I feel like I can handle all my feelings so much better.

~ I DO find it scary to think I’m turning 18 and will be leaving soon. It’s exciting, too! I hope you can help me focus on how ready I am and let me make the decisions that feel right to me. It’s gotta be tough on you, too, because you’ll miss me and I know you worry about me. What helps me the most is when you let me figure things out…and then if I need you, I will ask. You’ll be there, right? Just knowing you are there for me helps me not have to ask for help so quickly. I feel ready to fly…

Teens! A tumultuous and terrific time. Let them fly!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Gentle Discipline

June 2, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting 2 Comments

Gentle discipline. Sometimes a rather confusing pair of words.

Kind, firm, clear, and affirming–guidance at its best. From this emerges truly respectful parenting and deeply connected relationships. Yet “gentle discipline” can be hard to understand…

It can be mistaken as perhaps ignoring negative behavior in the hopes of it going away, or letting kids “run the show” entirely, or just wondering what it really means when it comes to productively guiding our children. Gentle discipline isn’t about letting our children run amok. It isn’t about trying to keep our children from making mistakes, behaving poorly, testing us. It isn’t about hiding out hoping things will just get better on their own (though we all wish that at times…)

Gentle discipline is about guiding our children calmly, patiently, clearly, respectfully—answering their needs and showing them the way. It is about being direct when you say, “I won’t let you (fill in the blank).” It is about acknowledging their feelings and what they are doing, “It makes you mad…you feel frustrated when…I can see you are sad about…” It is about knowing when to listen with only an occasional, “Mmmhmmm. Tell me more…”

Gentle discipline is about respect, trust in the process growth is, lots and lots of practice, and clarity on our part for just what we want our children to learn–and then show them.

It is about matter-of-factly walking alongside them as they learn that sharp knives are for grown-ups and if they need to cut something, a butter knife is for them. And then giving them the opportunity to use a butter knife. Equally, knowing when they are ready to handle a small paring knife and give them the opportunity to do so.

It is about calmly but firmly stopping the hitting and then letting them know what they CAN hit, that using their words is far more effective, that it is time to take a break to calm down. And then giving them the opportunity to try again…including helping them find the words that may be necessary, “You’d like the next turn. Can you let your brother know?” Along with a bit of company as they have to wait, “What would you like to do while you wait?”

It is about affirming how frustrated they feel as they struggle with something, asking them questions about what they could do, letting them know clearly and decisively “I will stop you…” as needed. And following through with your words, always. All done with calm and gentle leading the way. What a way to build trust. And trust is the foundation for living well.

It is about being curious and looking for all that IS working and appreciating it out loud and often. “I noticed how gently you pet the cat. She purrrrrred with delight!” “Thank you for buckling up. You are ready to go!” “Wow. That took a lot of concentration. I noticed.” What we focus on grows, so putting our attention to what we want more of is essential.

As we do so, “discipline” takes on a whole new meaning.

Now it is about helping our children learn to manage themselves rather than us taking the responsibility for continuing

to manage them.

The more we let go of seeing ‘discipline’ as problems we have to fix, children we have to get to do things a certain way, punishment to bestow, and INSTEAD see it as the growth and learning opportunities it always is, we will discover fewer and fewer times that our children actually act out. Why?

Because they will learn to manage themselves, be able to truly count on us, and will feel understood, respected, and trusted. Our children know we are their encouragers, supporters, and guides. They trust us. They feel SAFE.

Gentle discipline requires us to PAUSE, be as clear and decisive as possible, be present and focused in the moment, and to welcome all behavior as opportunities for growth. And maybe most importantly, to take care of ourselves along the way–including giving ourselves a bit of grace as we step into really tough places and feel like we’ve blown it. You see, it is about OUR growth, as well .

It also asks for us to be curious about our child’s antics rather than judgmental. It asks us to have a sense of humor, a lightness about the antics that will definitely occur, an understanding that all learning takes time. Take time to PAUSE today, and look for the possibilities of growth, what already is working, for something you can appreciate in all the craziness. Doing so really is essential for continuing to parent well, gently, respectfully.

And the really cool thing?

As you do so, parenting can actually get easier

and your relationships stronger.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Let’s Talk Potty Training

April 12, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Let’s talk potty training.

I’ve heard a lot of angst over parents’ struggles with “training their child to use the potty.” Real concern over the increasing amount of treats and screen time rewards and none of it working–or at least, not for long. I’ve heard “I hate this stage!” “I’m going crazy!” “We never leave the house anymore–I’m afraid of all the accidents…”

I’ve never liked that word, “training.” I think it is totally mis-used and mis-leading for it puts the focus on us rather than our child. It leads us to thinking WE have to train our children to potty. When we head that direction, it becomes a mission to figure out how to make our little ones know when they need to use the potty, to actually pee or poop in the potty, and to stay dry in their “big girl or boy pants.” And really, what do we have control over? Certainly not the inner workings of our child’s body…OR their thoughts or feelings regarding it all.

I could spend time telling you my stories with my little girls–and yes, I tried hard initially to “make them use the potty.” Good intentions, of course, but as soon as I was in the mix like that, pottying became a real struggle. Not what I wanted.

I learned, over time, to step back. I learned to immerse them in all things “pottying”, talk about it matter-of-factly, and communicate my confidence in their ability to manage themselves…

Easier said than done, of course 🙂

Here’s what I encourage for parents in the midst of what can become a struggle or for those considering just how to “train” their little one…

Immerse them in Potty Culture–create an environment that is all about pottying from watching you use the toilet, to helping flush, to washing hands, to playing with a potty chair, to reading lots of books about using the toilet, to talking about it all through the day when appropriate. And probably when it isn’t appropriate, as well…funny how those dinner times can include potty talk when you have a toddler or preschooler in the house!

Describe what you see them doing as they retreat to a corner to poop in their diaper, “I can see you feel ready to poop. Let me know when you are all done and I can help get you changed.” Now they are learning a bit more about how their body feels and have the ability to be in charge of themselves. Essential for all healthy growth.

Offer them choices–“Do you want to flush my pee down the toilet all by yourself?” “Do you want to pee in your diaper or in the potty?” “Do you need to use the toilet before we head out?” “Do you want to wear a diaper or undies this morning?” Choice (and us respecting their choice) is key for growing capable, competent, confident children who know what they are and are not responsible for.

Make no big deal about whatever they choose–the greater the fanfare, the more they might do something…and the flip side is they now have a way to really push our button as they decide to do the opposite–because fanfare puts their attention on US. Keep fanfare to a very minimum by just describing what they do–“You chose to pee in the potty! Are you ready to flush it down the toilet?” “Thank you for letting me know you are done pooping. I can help you get changed.” “You chose undies today and you used the toilet every single time you needed to pee. Look–your undies are all dry! I bet that feels good on your body.”

Minimize or keep rewards out of the picture…if you decide to include them, make it (again) a matter-of-fact deal and hopefully not food or treat oriented. “When you use the potty, we can read your favorite book together.” “When you are done on the potty, you’ll be ready to head outside and swing high in the sky!” Now using the potty is way less about a reward and way more about the next step to their day…as is (if they choose to not use the potty) our ability to easily and matter-of-factly say, “We can save your favorite book for when you are ready to use the potty!” No battle, Just a clear statement of what they can expect coming from a parent relaxed about whatever decision they make.

Be calm, matter-of-fact, respectful. Trust the process and your child’s timeline. If you feel pressure, they’ll feel pressure–and I’m sure you already know what happens then. So take care of yourself. They WILL head off to college without diapers…!

Know that, as you calm yourself, you communicate your confidence in their ability to manage themselves.

As you relax and focus on a rich Potty Environment rather than focusing on making them use the potty you are giving them the chance to focus on themselves and feel in control and in charge of themselves. Just what we really do want more of–kids who take responsibility for themselves, kids who are tuned into their own bodies and feelings and can manage both.

There is much more that can be shared…especially as parents are in the midst of a struggle about pottying. Looking to where your child is successful, where they do manage themselves, what parts of the pottying process they do engage the most in (maybe just tearing TP up and dropping it in the toilet or delighting in the FLUSH!)–looking to these parts that are working can encourage you, as well. And them! For now our attention is on what we want more of, rather than getting lost on the trails of “they’ll never be out of diapers…”

Okay. My thoughts for now. I look forward to comments and questions and stories of what worked for you! And if you’d like more of my work, know that you can find a collection to inspire you in my newest book, “Parenting Through Relationship.” Find that right here.

Respectfully,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Rivalry! Sisters, brothers, cell phones…

March 4, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

Sibling rivalry.

You know, the whining, fighting, crying, tugging, hitting…and how it drives us crazy, worries us, leaves us wondering if there’ll EVER be peace in the household?

I know, you are thinking I’m talking about your child’s relationship with their sister or brother and that maybe I’ll have some words of wisdom to help you with all that sibling rivalry .

What I want you to consider is this–I’m actually talking about your PHONE. Yes. Your phone. And yes, I’ll talk more about those brother and sister challenges…

Here’s the deal.

With more and more of our attention being drawn to all-things-phone–even when we THINK we are listening to our child, what our child is feeling is the competition for our attention.

Think of it this way–your phone has become your child’s rival.

And they whine. Drop to a puddle around our feet. Tell us loud and clear, “You aren’t LISTENING with your EYES!” Pick fights with others around them to get our attention. Hit. Grab. Want equal time on our phone–whether it is to figure out this rival for our attention and maybe be RID of it or discover just what it is we are so fascinated about that they decide this must be how life is to be experienced and they want to be a part of this life–hence more a part of yours.

Connection. That is what they are seeking and will look for it any way they can, productive and healthy or not 🙂 .

Sibling rivalry among children is normal. It can be healthy. It is always an opportunity for the kids involved to learn a bit more about negotiating, problem solving, collaboration, compromise. It can truly be relationship-building as we join alongside our kids to help them out with all the big and loud feelings involved. Connection can more likely be at the forefront. Big feelings are learned about and better managed. I could go on and on…

Sibling rivalry with our phones is relationship-depleting. DIS-connecting. Interrupting. It communicates, “You aren’t important enough to give my full attention to.” “My ‘life’ on my phone is what is my priority.” “THIS is how our day/life is supposed to be spent.” “I’d rather constantly put out fires around me then pause long enough to help you learn and grow so fires are unnecessary.”

Hmmmm….now there’s a thought.

When we are constantly distracted, we tend to respond to everything around us from a reactive place. We wait until it is bad enough and then we give the “fire” (aka hitting, whining, crying, fighting) the cursory bucket of water (aka STOP THAT; QUIT or you’ll be sorry; Here, watch this movie and be quiet…). Whew. All is good. For a moment. And then it all starts back up again, for our child? They haven’t really learned anything more about how to manage themselves…mostly because we just toss that “bucket of water” over whatever “fire” with the hopes of avoiding it next time around.

Not very productive. Or healthy. Or relationship building.

Back to the phone deal. Here’s what we CAN do.

Notice our use of our phones. Be sure to turn them off or at least to silent when we are engaged with our child. Recognize the need to be away from our phones so we CAN be healthier, and our discomfort in doing so. See that discomfort as the gift of awareness it is–something you can work on little bits at a time.

When you feel that tug on your arm, PAUSE. Look at your child. Let them know you see and hear them. Tell them what they can expect AS you look at them. “I need to finish my text then I can give you my full attention.” OR “I can listen to you right now. My text can wait.”

Then follow through. With ALL of you. Your eyes, your body, your hands, your lap.

Try this today. Try practicing tucking your phone away for a bit and get used to a bit of discomfort…then turn to your child and really look at them and delight in being able to communicate, “YOU matter.”

And the rivalry can diminish…disappear…and CONNECTION–honest, real, meaningful CONNECTION leads the way.

Pretty amazing what happens when our children feel connected to us. Heard. Understood. Enjoyed. Pretty amazing what happens to US when we feel that way with ourselves.

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Learning From Toddlers to Teens

February 9, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and thoroughly enjoyed…

…the busy Mama who paused in her cleaning up of the kitchen to include her 18-month-old son. “Do you want to help me wash the dishes?” And up he went on a stool, asking for the sponge, being given a few spoons to scrub. Down he climbed as he signed “all done,” and as Mama began to work on sweeping up the floor, she offered him the opportunity to be included. A few swipes of the very tall broom later and he decided the dust pan was what HIS job would be. He carefully laid it on the floor, Mama swept into it, toddler picked it up rather precariously–and toddled to the garbage to work at twisting his wrist in just the right way. Half of the contents landed back on the floor–!

But hey, sweeping and dust panning gets to be done all over again and at 18-months, THIS is what is fun and important to do. I so appreciated Mama’s ability to move slow enough that her son could be fully included, allowing him to grow his competent and capable self...so much learning going on!

…the Dad and two elementary-aged daughters on the airplane. Each time I passed they were working on origami, colored-pencils and an intricate coloring book, immersed in paper back books, and just hanging and talking with their Dad. I so appreciated how he provided them with creative, hands-on, way cool things to do, rather than “plugging them in” to a digital device (and oh yes, there are times traveling when this is just the right thing to do).

Think about what they learned–how to manage themselves during a long flight, how to get lost in their own thoughts and have that be all the “entertainment” they needed, how others shared with them about their own memories/experiences with folding origami, brainstormed ideas with them about what to do with their growing collection of folded items, checked out their collection of colored pencils…I noticed how, by being involved with hands-on and creative things, it rippled out to include others. Meaningful connections that brought joy. And helped the long plane ride pass far more quickly 🙂 .

…the college-aged babysitter who takes the time to delight in letters from a favorite 6-year-old–including the one that was sent with a bag of a favorite cookie that turned into “cookie dust” as a result. And how this college-aged babysitter has developed a relationship with her mail carrier–so when these chunky letters come with not enough postage, the mail carrier, who knows they come from a certain 6-year-old, pays the postage due and makes no fuss about it to the college-aged babysitter–just making sure she gets these ever-important letters. Especially the ones with amazing pictures drawn of all kinds of made-up monsters.

I so appreciate watching the relationship between these two grow–all because of letter writing, picture drawing, cookie sharing. The time they all take to connect and share is a joy to watch.

What have you noticed and appreciated recently? What has really put a smile on YOUR face today?

With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2016 Alice Hanscam

PICK ME UP NOW!

January 25, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

Story time! A story of the power of calm connection for you.

I watched a mom come into a preschool the other day–her son was crying and yelling and twisting around, reaching up for her, obviously wanting to be picked up.

Mom, quite calmly and composed (she felt comfortable in this welcoming public place of preschool), stopped, looked down at her over-the-top screaming son and said, “You are having a really hard time. I see that. I’m here and when you can use calmer words, I can pick you up.”

The screaming got louder, the physical insistence to PICK ME UP NOW quite clear. Words, no such thing. As a matter of fact, I doubt he was capable of using words right then, though I appreciated the mom’s efforts.

As Teacher neared, mom moved a bit away, intentionally creating a pause for herself, looking at some of the lovely pictures on the wall. I’m certain her “when you can use your words” was also helping create the pause she needed to be the calm presence her son needed. Son was a basket case, melted on the floor, screaming. Teacher kneels down and talks softly to the young boy–to no avail. Mom bends down once again and gently repeats, “You are really upset. When you can use your calmer words, I can pick you up.”

This, unfortunately, pushed his button further and he escalated. Somehow they managed to move, slowly and with son wrapped around mom’s leg (and mom comfortably okay with this) into the room where cool things were available to play.

This time mom knelt down next to her son, touched him gently, and waited quietly with him.

Just kept him company in all of his big feelings. He leaned into her (for really, what he really wanted was HER), content to be snuggled next to her. Mom stayed true to her word at not picking him up, and gave him exactly what he needed to move through this upset–her calm and connected self.

And he DID calm down. Soon he began watching the other kids. Mom didn’t move. Then they began talking with each other about what was out to play with. Mom still didn’t move. She waited until her son made HIS move to go explore cool things.

Calm connection. It spoke volumes.

As did her promise of picking him up when he could use his words. She gave her son her confidence in his ability to manage his big feelings. And she gave him her company–quiet, safe, available.

This is the power of calm connection, for it makes what could be truly a disaster into a relationship building experience. It allows for feelings to be sorted through. It gives the company where company is needed. It doesn’t take ownership over the other’s upset, it just gives it the space of grace necessary for moving through it well. Or well enough And it is often hard to do.

I think this mom felt it get hard, because even though she was calm and consistent with what her son could expect (using words…), he was hearing none of it. I think it is at this point we PAUSE to consider just what we are trying to do–and if it is to get them to comply, to finally LISTEN and do as we say, then we need to PAUSE again. And consider just what they need, rather than what we want.

Let go a bit of our trying to control and step in and discover just what “calm connection” and feeling “in control” can look like without compliance.

Because that is where the real growth is. And this mom did just this, after the ***hard*** of realizing not picking him up was just escalating things more. I so appreciated how she found a way to create the connection he needed the most AND stay true to her word. Kneeling down and touching her son. Gently. Taking her time. And it worked.

She wasn’t “in control” of her son–HE was gaining control of himself. Now that’s real growth.

A story for you. Maybe it resonates. Maybe you have other ways to move through these moments that feel good to you and you can share here. Just know that it is with a PAUSE in place and calm connection leading the way that the greatest gifts emerge. In time. And with hard work.

Make it great today,
Alice

Tidbits of Positive Discipline to Help You

January 1, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Positive, gentle discipline…what is it?

~ Guidance at its best—helping children grow and learn along their own developmental timeline.

~ Guiding calmly with words and actions over and over and over again. Practice! It is essential.

~ Focusing first on the positive influence you’d like to be, rather than trying to make your child behave.

~ Respectful of the processes growth and learning are; respectful of the relationship you are intending to build.

Dynamics of positive discipline…

~ Be clear with your expectations—give your child a clear framework from which to work and learn.

~ Offer choices that puts things in your child’s control as much as possible.

~ Follow through calmly and consistently with their choice.

~ Show and ask rather than direct and demand.

~ “No” is most effective when rarely used. Save your NO!

But what if they still don’t behave?!

~ Let the consequences do the “screaming” for you—let the results of their choices speak for themselves as you provide the understanding and calm presence necessary for your child to truly learn.

~ Allow space for your child to experience the result of his choice–a PAUSE on your part, often!

~ Know that your job is to influence (instead of control) your child in such a way that s/he can decide on their own to choose more productive and positive actions. This can take time…

~ Be ready to guide them through what needs to happen, with your calm, gentle connection leading the way.

What does this require of you?

~ Endless amounts of patience and stamina!

~ Humor, creativity, ability to let go, ability to PAUSE…

~ Self-care! Do something just for you often—even if just for a few minutes.

Phrases to help you along…

~ “It’s time to head in—are you going to march down our path or wade through the deep snow?”

~ “Looks like it is too hard for you to choose, so I will choose for you.”

~ “I’d be happy to listen to you/play with you when you calm down.”

~ “We sit on our bottoms at the table. If it is too hard for you, it means you are all done with your dinner.”

~ “When you use your regular voice, I can help you.”

~ “Hitting hurts and I will stop you. We use gentle hands and our words. What is it you’d like to say?”

What you can look forward to…

~ A child who is more likely to listen, have fewer struggles, be more willing to cooperate and collaborate.

~ Respect for and from your child–-respect grown because of your calm and connected self.

~ A positive, healthier relationship with your child…something we all want.

~ A child set up to grow as a self-directed, responsible person/future adult. How cool is that?

~ A more peaceful home! At least some of the time… :-).

Be the positive, gentle influence your child needs to grow in

healthy and relationship-building ways.

Respectfully,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Positive or Permissive Parenting?

December 6, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

It seems many parents mistake positive and peaceful (I like to call it respectful) parenting with permissive parenting. There is a significant difference.

While permissive parenting comes across as peaceful, we tend to parent this way out of our anxiety over our children being upset, over stirring the pot, over the fear of feeling out of control or having too little knowledge about child development. We tend to give in in order to avoid conflict; we give in because we just really don’t know what else to do; we give in in order to avoid the mad, sad, hurt that we just can’t seem to handle.

What does this create? More and greater conflict and challenge down the road. When a child has no clear boundaries, no firm, kind, and consistent guidance, no acknowledgment of and room for feeling ALL the feelings of being human–when they cannot count on US to keep it together enough to help THEM through the ups and downs of life–they now are more likely to feel unsafe and insecure.

They tend to act out even more, never really learning how to manage themselves well--feelings, bodies, thoughts, you name it. Come teen years this can mean relationships have eroded, behavior escalated, and things can get incredibly challenging. And scary.

What does respectful, positive parenting look like? (I hesitate to use the word “peaceful” for really, doing the hard work of parenting is often ANY thing but peaceful… 🙂 )

Some highlights:

~ Clear, reasonable, and age appropriate expectations. Here is where we are responsible for understanding child development, for willingly and actively seeking out what we need to learn in order to parent well. So many resources around for just this!

~ Calm, consistent, and timely follow through for results of our child’s choice–whether it is choosing between the purple or green sweater to wear or choosing to ignore you, hit, talk back, dump the dirt from your plant onto the freshly vacuumed carpet, yank the cat’s tail, test test test you ’til the days end. Our calm, connected leadership speaks volumes to our child.

~ Kind and respectful interactions–letting a child know what to expect, asking a child if they are ready prior to doing something to/with them (like washing their face, changing their diaper, whisking them out the door to the next round of activities…), giving them a choice over how to use their body, always naming and affirming their feelings, listening with care, letting a PAUSE lead the way first and foremost.

~ Role modeling just what you want to see more of--kindness, compassion, self-control, healthy ways to express feelings, sharing. This includes showing them how YOU take a break to cool down before continuing on with a conversation. This includes respecting their thoughts and feelings, especially if you want (eventually) for them to respect yours.

~ Guiding a child towards appropriate expression of feelings rather than coercing, threatening, nagging, avoiding. This includes stopping hurtful behavior calmly and quickly, acknowledging feelings and desires, including them in the process of what they can do, and showing them if necessary. Over and over and over again. It means letting them finish their cry. Giving them the opportunity to express their mad in productive ways. Understanding that it is their job to feel better, your job to keep them company along the way.

~ Accepting and trusting each child’s timeline for growth. It differs for each child. Respectful parenting means we understand this and support and encourage our child with respect to their abilities. Always.

Positive, respectful parenting provides a clear, respectful structure for a child to feel safe and secure. It provides an emotional and physical environment that supports the child in such a way they can test, act out, explore thoroughly, make mistakes, slowly learn how to express themselves well. It gives a child the opportunity to grow strong and well from the inside out.

What does this require of us? Knowledge of child development, willingness to keep on learning and growing, ability to feel calm, confident, and in charge (PAUSE!), extensive patience, self-care kept a priority. Does it mean we never lose it, yell, wish we could have a do-over? Nope. It means we know how to be gentle with ourselves as we forgive, apologize, care for us when we feel especially bad. Self-care–it truly is baseline for parenting well. And what a way to role model something essential for living well.

Positive, respectful parenting is something we role model, it is a way of life, it fosters just the kind of relationships many of us strive for–healthy, loving, deeply connected, respectful, joyful. It can bring ease into your family’s rhythm, it can create the foundation for making parenting easier and far more rewarding. And it takes practice–and trust in the process raising future adults is.

Positive, respectful parenting supports your child in becoming their best self; it supports you in becoming your best self.

What a gift for all!

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

The Importance of Meaningful Connection

December 3, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care, Social Emotional Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and definitely enjoyed:

~ The active 7-year-old in line at the grocery store with his dad intentionally engaging him in just the best ways to channel his energy. Initially it was unloading the cart together while the boy’s feet and arms and legs danced away–dad handing the less fragile items to his son to be plunked on the counter. Then it was a gentle containing of his son by ‘trapping’ him within a space dad’s arms made, whispering to his son, engaging him fully with twinkly eyes and even a few nose kisses. What could have been the demands of a frustrated dad–“Stop it! Hold still. You’re going to break something…”–was instead a positive, relationship building moment as dad used his son’s energy to create a successful experience. Their total enjoyment of each other was a joy to see.

Truly a deposit into their relationship…and the choices dad made with how to respond to his son will positively influence any future store trips made. Fabulous.

~ The Grandpa in the grocery store oh-so-gently holding his infant grandson up close and snuggly as they walked alongside the baby’s mother pushing the grocery cart, the empty car-seat mixed in the with the groceries. His obvious pleasure in holding his new grandson and his gentle nature as he spoke softly to him spoke clearly of the lovely relationship he is intending to have with his grandson.

What a way to begin building that solid foundation–gently, closely, warmly…lucky (blessed!) baby.

~ The college student willing to take a full day away from studies and friends to visit her Grandmom with increasing dementia. A long drive, a long visit, and all she expressed was the complete joy she experienced sitting alongside G’mom, sharing photos of a trip, hearing G’mom go ’round and ’round with the same stories and questions.

The student’s patience, love, and appreciation of her G’mom just the way she is is a gift for all who witnessed it.

Take time today to notice what you can appreciate…what puts a smile on your face..where quiet joy is being shared. Know this includes appreciating the difficult moments–the strengths being called upon such as the resilience of a parent with an upset child, the intentional choice to take a short break in order to care for yourself, the helpful hand from another as a parent juggles the crying baby and screaming toddler, and LOUD demands of a preschooler. Look at each situation you find yourself in, you notice others in, and appreciate. I think you will discover your experience to shift to a more affirming, uplifting one. And this energy will emanate out to others around you.

We really do have the ability to create the experiences we want.

And our children will follow suit.

With appreciation and JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Quick! Your child’s starting to lose it!

November 2, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

Your child is beginning to freak out. Losing it…loudly. Ramping it up to a full blown tantrum. Resistance, push-back, tension… Quick! Offer them their favorite television show or app on your phone or game on their digital device.

Phew! Crisis averted. What a relief! Your little one is now glued to their screen, QUIET, and you find yourself calming a bit, able to continue on with getting done whatever it is you planned on getting done…or maybe this quick distraction to screen gave you the opportunity to buckle your child up in their car seat and actually have a bit of peace and quiet for the drive home…or finish your meal in the restaurant without embarrassing everyone…

Okay. So your child is now calm. You are calm. But consider this–the message you’ve just given (especially if this is a go-to solution for you on a regular basis…) is “you need this distraction in order to manage your feelings.” Or “you need to BE distracted because I have no confidence in your (or my) ability to manage your feelings.” Or “I cannot handle how you are feeling/behaving…”

What a scary thing for a child.

To think the most mature person–their special adult in their lives–cannot handle how they feel. This really rocks a child’s world…and usually ramps them up even more.

What a way to undermine their ability to (eventually) manage their OWN feelings. To understand, accept, process, and express appropriately all the emotions they have.

What a way to undermine OUR ability to do the same–be comfortable in our own feelings–our anxiety, lack of confidence in our own selves, embarrassment, you name it.

Consider this from the American Academy of Pediatrics:

“Avoid using media as the only way to calm your child. Although there are intermittent times (eg, medical procedures, airplane flights) when media is useful as a soothing strategy, there is concern that using media as strategy to calm could lead to problems with limit setting or the inability of children to develop their own emotion regulation.” (Am. Academy of Pediatrics)

So what to do?

Because really, these BIG and LOUD feelings and over-the-top behaviors really DO cause a ton of anxiety. For everyone involved. Ideas for you with the intent to grow a child able to manage themselves in healthy ways:

~ PAUSE. Calm yourself as much as possible FIRST. What a way to role-model taking care of our own feelings in healthy ways.

~ Name and affirm the feeling your child has. “It makes you really mad…” “You are feeling so so frustrated!” “You really don’t want to leave, yet.” “It makes you mad when I buckle you up in your seat. It is important to be safe…” “It really hurt your feelings when…” “I can see how tired you are. That sure makes it hard for you to…”

~ Give a clear framework, choice inherent: “When you calm down we can…” “I will take you to your room and stay with you while you work at settling down…” “You need to get your mad OUT. Would pounding the couch together help?” “I will stop you from hurting your brother. I can see you are really upset. When we’ve all calmed down a bit we can talk about this…” “Let’s take a few deep breaths like this…and then you can choose if you want to buckle all by yourself or have me help you.”

~ Follow through with what you’ve offered up calmly, matter-of-factly. Whether it is buckling for them (perhaps initially making them even LOUDER and more upset), closing the bedroom door and sitting against it while you keep them company, keeping your promise of talking about it once things have settled, joining in alongside them to pound away at the couch. Your calm, matter-of-fact, willing to stay near, involved, connected self speaks volumes to your child. Respectful volumes.

And now, no matter how your child chooses to behave, you’ve communicated a safe, steady, solid place in which they get the opportunity to sort themselves out. To FEEL. To BE loud and hurt and mad and sad and frustrated without judgment but WITH company, guidance, comfort, and role-modeling that can show them just what to DO with all these upset feelings.

It may not be pretty. It may still be embarrassing, frustrating, anxiety-provoking for YOU, but because you’ve paused…and focused on taking care of your feelings, you are able to step in alongside your upset child and really help them navigate their experience with the confidence they need from you and need to feel you have in them.

Then in time, with your consistent, calm, connected self leading the way, you will discover your child pausing. Breathing. Disappearing into their room to process, chill, figure things out. You’ll discover hotly contested ideas with their brother or friend that no longer need your input. You’ll see your child use self-control that actually has you smiling a bit. You’ll get better at catching those moments and noticing them: “I saw you put your hands in your pocket when your friend made you mad. What a great way to remember to keep your hands to yourself…” “I noticed you used your words to let her know how you felt.” “Even though you were so frustrated, you kept working and working and you DID it!” “I appreciate how you chose to go play by yourself when things started ramping up. What a way to take care of your feelings!”

And your child will be a bit better and stronger in doing just what he or she is meant to–manage themselves. No need for distraction. No need for another to do it for them (and really, think about it. Do you want your future teen needing another to decide for them what and how to do or feel?). And those screens? They can now be used at crucial stress filled times now and again without undermining the important growth of self-regulation.

So today…pause. Consider those potentially embarrassing, anxiety driven, frustrating moments as an opportunity for your child to learn a little bit more about themselves, their feelings, and healthy ways to manage them. You, too. Our kids give us constant opportunities to get stronger within ourselves–and it really all begins with a PAUSE.

Alice
Author of “Parenting Inspired” and “PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection”
PCI Certified Parent Coach® and ScreamFree Certified Leader
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Parenting Well, No Matter the Label

October 15, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Peaceful parenting. Positive parenting. Respectful parenting. Authoritative parenting…

And on and on and on…

Lots of labels these days. And labels are tough. As I follow other parenting pages I’ve noticed what seems to be the common struggle we all have–to live up to the label.

Think about it. What DOES peaceful parenting look like when you have a back-arching, screaming toddler refusing to let you change their diaper or wash their hair or do just about anything you feel you need to do right now? Or a preschooler with those BIG GIANT feelings erupting as you are trying to get out the door, make a meal, use the bathroom (by yourself), or…?

What DOES positive parenting look like when you are utterly exhausted and your kids have been fighting all day long and the dog needs to go out, the house cleaned, the dinner made, the appointment gotten to on time, and your parenting partner is buried in the newspaper ignoring everything?

What DOES respectful parenting look like with an eye-rolling, sarcastic, talking back teen? AND you are at your wits end?

What DOES authoritative parenting look like when, even with your patient, collaborative, calm self willing to listen and discuss in place, your child throws EVERY thing right back into your face and is totally unwilling to LISTEN?

Labels make it tough on us.

They give us something to strive for–and this I appreciate and support. To know with certainty you want to parent peacefully, positively, respectfully, collaboratively is truly a strength. Now you have something to strive for as you work hard at parenting well.

And really, this is all about parenting well, no matter the label. And here is where it seems labels get in the way.

When we ascribe to just one kind

of parenting, we really aren’t allowing ourselves room to be different, to grow, to consider ways to interact that might just be healthier for your particular situation or child.

We can get caught up in wanting “peaceful” to mean our kids behave nicely all the time, and we just don’t know what to do when they don’t. We can find ourselves working hard at trying to get them to feel more peaceful, be more peaceful, think more peacefully…and yet they just don’t. They act up, push back, have strong and upset feelings.

We can get caught up in feeling WE need to always be “positive” no matter how chaotically crazy it gets. Now that’s tough to do.

We can get caught up in assuming our child should be “showing us respect” because we are working hard at teaching them respect.

We can get caught up in the sheer frustration of a child unwilling and unable to engage in the give and take of authoritative parenting.

And then we really struggle. Here our kids are not responding to the kind of parenting we are trying to live by and we just don’t know what to do. We can feel like we are failing…we can feel like we are ruining our kids…we just plain feel guilty. Not a fun way to be.

Here’s what I encourage, label or no label.

Always, always PAUSE and focus first on yourself. Take your attention off of your child and trying to get them to respond to your style of parenting or to you in a certain situation or to behave a certain way or whatever it is that is pushing your button and getting you upset, concerned, feeling guilty and at your wits end.

Yes, really. Take your attention off your child (and I don’t mean walk away and ignore it all, wishing all would right itself while you hide-out…even though we all do that sometimes…).

Instead, use a PAUSE to reflect on YOUR feelings and actions and your child’s needs–whether that PAUSE to think is immediate and you can actually create a bit of time and space because there is no safety issue, or a PAUSE that happens simultaneous to your actions (yes, it IS possible!). Think as you rush in. Breathe as you wrap your arms around your child. Find a semblance of calm within you. Consider just what your child’s needs are. Consider just what you want the most to happen, to be learned.

And then, with even just a semblance of calm in place and a bit more clarity, allow yourself to respond to your child and TRUST how you do so. Maybe your response won’t fit into your label–maybe instead of what feels peaceful to you needs to be put aside as you firmly stop your child and look ’em in the eye and say NO.

Maybe instead of what feels positive to you you are letting your child know you are MAD. That you feel anything BUT positive right now about the mess in front of you, the fighting that is going on, the million and one things yet to be done all in the next hour.

Maybe instead of what feels respectful–of demanding your teen to BE respectful–you find yourself allowing that eye-roll, talking back, sarcastic tone of voice. And then matter-of-factly letting them know how YOU choose to respond to their choice of disrespect. Allowing can feel like permissive parenting (not a healthy thing…), but, when followed with a calm response to their choice (maybe, “When you speak like that to me it’s hard for me to listen. When you are ready to use a more respectful voice, let me know. I’m interested in what you have to say…”) it is no longer permissive. It is accepting of their choice to eye-roll, etc, AND letting them take responsibility for the result of that eye-roll, etc. What a respectful thing to do–respect their choice AND let them learn from it.

Maybe instead of feeling ready to collaborate, negotiate, discuss you really just need to say NO.

And, no matter the label of your style of parenting,

when you can respond to your child with calm connection leading the way, you can be sure you’ve just stepped in in a

relationship-BUILDING way…

…even if it doesn’t feel particularly peaceful, positive, respectful. Because parenting isn’t always going to be smooth and easy and graceful. It is going to be bumpy, challenging, messy, confusing…you name it. And the one thing you can always strive to do–ALWAYS–is control yourself. No matter what your child chooses to do.

When you can control yourself, first and foremost, you can be assured your interaction is going to come from a more peaceful, positive, collaborative, RESPECTFUL place. Even if your child tells you otherwise. Trust yourself as you first take control of yourself.

I think this is the most essential thing. To trust yourself. So today, start with a PAUSE. Find a semblance of calm. Get a bit clearer about what you really want. Then respond to your child with calm connection leading the way. And let go of what your child decides to do as you calmly, consistently, and with connection in place guide them through whatever the situation or emotion or whatever is engulfing you and them. Ultimately, you will be okay. Trust this.

Maybe that is the label to live by–Calm Connection. Use it. Practice it. Live it. Learn from it. Guilt is lessened with it. Trust is increased by it. And now you can feel much, much stronger as you move through the chaos raising children guarantees. And your relationships will feel strong and healthy from the inside out. No matter the label. Isn’t that what we all really want? Healthy, strong relationships. I know I do.

Here’s to you today as you strive to parent well.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

I just want my child to RESPECT me

October 13, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

“I just want my child to RESPECT me!”

Respect–something we all want to see in our children. Respect for others, respect for our requests, respect in how they respond to us…just plain old respect. Life would be good, parenting easier…

The cool thing? This is something that really is all about US (something we can control!). We think it is about our children, about making them do things differently, better, more respectfully. But really, it is about us. And when you really think about this, it is all about choices (ours, as much as theirs).

Respect your child’s choice enough to let them experience the results of their choice–with you choosing to be the calm, clear, connected one no matter what they decide to do.

This is easy when they stay within the choices WE like–you know, the toddler who willingly picks one of the two warm sweaters we offer up to them on the coldest day of the year AND puts it on, the preschooler who shares happily with their buddy with play that extends all morning long, the elementary child who never says a mean word to a friend or talks behind their back, the teen who drives within the speed limit, never risks their well-being because they choose to not drink, smoke, climb treacherous mountains, break curfew…

Whew. Now we feel like good parents–for look at how well behaved our children are! So easy to stay calm, clear, and connected on our part.

But then they do something—they choose otherwise….

…to throw their food on the floor, their toy at you, to refuse all warm clothing items and tantrum on the floor

…to push and hit their buddy because their toy was grabbed from them

…to talk behind their friend’s back in unkind ways

…to drive too fast, climb treacherous mountains, stay out way too late until our anxiety hits the roof…

Yikes. Now we feel it is our job to get them to choose the right behavior, to feel the right way, to choose what WE want them to choose so we can feel better and feel the good parent we want to be–to feel RESPECTED.

And here is where respect truly can be grown.

Instead of trying to ‘get them to behave’, you PAUSE. And then calmly respect their choice enough that they can experience the result of their choice–and now they can truly learn. How does this look? Ideas for you:

~ your toddler throws their cup on the floor. You calmly pick it up, put it on the counter and say, “Cups are for drinking out of and for sitting on the table. When you throw it on the floor, you are all done. Down you go!” Calmly, gently, respectfully. What do they learn? That cups are used a certain way, that their choice to throw resulted in no more drink, that mommy isn’t swayed a bit by their behavior. You’ve treated them with respect, they’ve had an opportunity to learn and grow.

~ your preschooler hits and won’t share. You respect this choice of theirs enough that you follow through with calmly talking about what you see happening, letting her know hitting is never okay, affirming all the feelings involved, asking questions such as, “Your friend would like a turn. When you are all done, can you let her know?” or “Your friend is sad about not having a turn. What can we do to help?” Respectful, no hurry to ‘make them behave,’ and now an opportunity for your preschooler to learn a bit more about friendships, feelings…respect.

~ your elementary student hurts a friend’s feelings. Oh, the temptation to ‘fix’ this somehow! Instead, listen. Reflect back what you hear from your child. Ask questions. And affirm their upset. No need to fix–this just communicates to them our lack of confidence in their ability to navigate a tough experience. Walk alongside them as they sort through the results of their behavior. Maybe a friend gets lost along the way–and now your child has really owned and learned from the results of the choice they made to be unkind. With your calm presence through-out they are more likely to make different choices the next time around. More respectful ones.

~ your teen comes home WAY beyond the time agreed and you’ve been worried sick. Respect the choice enough to follow through with the results. Calmly, consistently, with connection. “You came home really, really late. I was really worried for I never heard from you that your plans had changed. Tomorrow I’d like you to let your friends know that you’ll be staying home.” Calmly. Even as the bedroom door slams, you can be sure you communicated respect. In time, it will make a difference .

By our choosing to be clear, calm, and connected with our child, this becomes way less about making them behave a certain way, and instead an opportunity to learn and grow from experience.

They ‘hear’ our confidence in them and their growth, they feel heard and understood, they can trust that we can keep it together even when they cannot. This builds and communicates respect. And now we’ve just role-modeled what we want more of.

So today…as challenges arise…take a deep breath (PAUSE. It is essential) and let go of needing your child to choose YOUR way. Instead, welcome their choice as an opportunity for them to experience the results and grow. No hurry–this takes time and practice. Respect the time it takes to grow a fabulous adult and be in the moment, guiding your child gently, calmly, consistently. I believe you will see real growth occur–and respect is right around the corner.

And now you really can feel the good parent you already are.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Be Tech Intentional

September 12, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Screen Time and Technology Comment

Because I keep getting asked by parents overwhelmed and truly concerned about all things digital in their children’s lives, I share this poster once again.

Be Tech Intentional.

This includes educating yourself on just what your children ARE doing and seeing. It includes growing your awareness of the impact digital use has on different ages and stages.

Know that as your child grows he or she will be in homes with different rules and awareness. As one Mama spoke to me recently, she doesn’t want her 5th grade son randomly exposed to and exploring things online (think porn, for one)–so she has taken the steps of speaking to the parents of homes where her son goes to play, asking that iPads and smart phones are not in the hands of the kids.

Another mama is working actively on her SELF to calm her anxiety over all things screens so she CAN guide her young son through positive exposure…and she is finding it tough, for she’d rather have NONE. Balance…it is key.

And yet another family has a place on the kitchen counter for their children’s friends, as they come to play bringing along all kinds of digital devices, to “park” their devices while at their house. As the papa said, “If you need to call your parents while you are here, you are welcome to use your phone right here in the kitchen.”

Be Tech Intentional. Know the impact. Know the content. Walk the talk. It is so very difficult…and it is so very essential.

Need more ideas and help? Two articles for you to take a look at: What TO Do Instead of a Screen and MORE of What TO Do Instead of a Screen,

Here’s to parenting well,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

How Many Times Do I Need to Tell You?!!

September 11, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Oh how often we find ourselves saying just this,

“How many times do I have to tell you?!”

And we get frustrated because, even after the ump-TEENTH time our kids STILL aren’t listening. Things spiral up, we find ourselves yelling, often punishing, doing whatever it takes to “get them to behave, to just LISTEN.”

Consider this…what would it take from YOU for your child to know, without a doubt, you’d only ask once or twice at best? What could be different in your household if this was the case? I believe you’d discover more of a positive flow to your day, more cooperative and collaborative children, feeling a calmer connection and definitely healthier relationships…

And children who listen. How would THAT feel?!

Credit to Bil and Jeff Keane
Family Circus

Consider the messages we give when we ask over and over again for them to listen and behave, yet never follow through with action. I believe some are:

“You don’t have to trust that what I say, I mean and will do.” “You can’t count on me, for I don’t keep my promises.” “My Mad is your fault and your responsibility!” Whew.

Probably not what you intend. And how confusing for our children. Or maybe it sounds like this, “How many times do I need to tell you?” “I don’t know…maybe 16?” For really, it IS up to US how many times we decide to ask or tell our children whatever it is we are wanting them to act upon. No wonder things begin to spiral up, get more intense, at times explode…here we are asking them to decide for us what it is WE want. Confusing!

If we intend to grow listeners and enjoy the cooperation we really can have with our children, I believe we must first focus on ourselves and become clear on just what we want.

It is then our job to say to them exactly

what we mean…and to follow through, calmly and consistently,

by doing just what we said.

When we can calmly and consistently follow through–-ask only once (maybe twice… 🙂 ?!), then step in and connect, guiding them gently–then our children begin to learn they truly can trust us, count on us, believe us when we say, “It is time to…”

We keep our promises.

What a way to role model integrity. What a way to show them what “keeping promises” means. What a way to let them know they can count on us. This can be difficult for it can mean we end up with…

…a tantruming child who is resisting in all ways possible as you calmly follow through with buckling them up–“I know, it really makes you mad when we have to get loaded up in the car to go. You’d really like to stay. I’m buckling you and then we will head on down the road!”

…removing them from a heated interaction–“You are super upset. Let’s go find a place for you to settle down and when you are feeling calmer, we can try again…”

…putting their beloved toy away–“When you keep throwing this toy, it can hurt something or someone. Time to put it up and give it and you a break….”

…saying NO to using the car (yes, teens have tantrums, too) or playing with a friend or going to a birthday party–“It really saddens you that you have to say no to your friend today. I bet when you have finished up with the work you need to do, we can make different plans. Let me know when you are ready to do so!”

The more we can PAUSE, calm ourselves,

consider what we really want for our child–what we really want them to learn–then we are better able to “ask only once”–clearly and calmly. And then follow through.

Keep your promises today. Even if it is for a lost privilege. Know that as you do so, you are role modeling for your child just what you want the most–a child who can count on you, trust in others, live with integrity.

Keep calm connection and clarity at the forefront in all you do…act-as-if when necessary…and notice what is different as a result.

If you enjoyed this article, here’s another you may find helpful: Save Your NO!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
www.justaskalice.org
www.denaliparentcoaching.com
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Consider Consequences…

September 5, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

I’d really like to be rid of the word “consequences.” This may be a matter of semantics, but stay with me here.

I know they are important. I know we toss that word around a lot when we are frustrated, concerned, working hard at showing our children (and perhaps adults you might know) that their actions have consequences.

This is true, I absolutely agree with that. Actions do have consequences. Yet this word “consequences?” It gets misused. It is defined quite often as punishment.

Think about this–“That child needs consequences!” Really what is being said is, “That child needs to be punished in order to learn to do it the RIGHT way, MY way, the kind, good, easy or whatever way.”

Consequences and Punishment. They just seem to mean the same to so many.

I’d like to suggest something else. I’d like to re-frame consequences as “The Results of Choices.” Results. The outcome of however our child chooses. Whether it is to earn something, pay for something, experience loss, experience joy…

Take hitting, for example.

You know, the hitting between siblings, the hit from one child to another that happens when a toy is grabbed or a buddy gets in the way or when we try to step in and help a situation. The hit from a very upset child. We know hitting isn’t okay. It certainly pushes OUR button…

Think about this. Because it pushes our button and we just want it to STOP we often find ourselves saying, “He needs to know there are consequences for hitting his sister!” Seen as a punishment, we are now stepping in making them stop, often getting upset ourselves, removing them from the situation to “Go to time out young man!” Threatening to take away privileges–“No more iPad!” “No way can you go to your friend’s party now!”; or worse, we hit them to show them how it hurts. That makes no sense and is never okay.

What do they learn? That when they hit, WE lose our temper.That their hitting or not hitting is about how WE feel, not how they feel, how the one who was hit feels, not how to express feelings appropriately. That it is all about how we react–and now their attention is way less on what we hope they can learn and WAY more on how we are reacting.

What do we WANT them to learn? That when they get upset they can use their words, come get an adult to help, take time to cool off. That gentler hands are important. We want them to learn how to cooperate, be patient, PAUSE. To manage themselves in healthy and productive ways.

So what is the Result of their Choice to Hit? That it hurts.

And that hurt causes another to be sad and upset. And when someone is sad and upset, we comfort them. We show the hitter what the hitting caused. And knowing that younger children, when they hit, are typically equally hurt inside, the result of them hitting is that we kneel down and talk with them–gently, firmly, with our full and understanding presence.

Maybe the result of their choice to hit goes further. Maybe it is that time to cool off is in order. Maybe it is showing them what they CAN hit. Maybe it is about picking up the one who got hit and heading elsewhere for a bit…putting our attention on what we want more of–less hitting, more compassion.

If we had stepped in with “CONSEQUENCES!” I’d venture to say lessons learned are way less about our child learning more about himself. When we step in as the guide through the results of their actions, so much more INNER learning goes on–and that is exactly what is needed in order to grow in healthy ways, to become a successful adult able to manage their feelings, know themselves well, build healthy relationships with others.

What does this require from us?

First and foremost, our ability to PAUSE. To consider just what we want the most, what our child needs in order to learn and grow, to calm ourselves enough that however we then respond it is done in a relationship-building way.

It requires our patience and ability to Take. Our. Time.

It asks us to take care of ourselves so our feelings of MAD or worry or frustration can be calmed and dealt with, no matter what our child decides to do. Self-care. It is essential in order to parent well.

It asks us to know our child…and to understand ages and stages so we CAN understand better what our child needs.

Today, PAUSE. Calm your self. Consider just what you want to show your child so they can learn a bit more how to manage themselves, how to sort their feelings, how to use their words. Step in alongside and show them the way.

**Let your calm and confident self create the connection your child needs so they can do the learning and growing they need the most.**

What a way to deposit into your relationship with your child.

Here’s to you today!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

A Boy and His Dad

August 19, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! 2 Comments

A story for you…

Dad and twelve-year-old son. Broken (by accident) window in son’s bedroom. Oops. Glass everywhere, and the cost to fix it was going to be plenty.

You can imagine how dad COULD have reacted. How you or I might have. I know I’d probably have yelled, first…hard NOT to as you hear the crash of the window and find yourself already thinking towards the mess and the cost and the time it’ll take. So you can imagine how tempers could have flared. Dad could have lost it. It certainly wouldn’t be unreasonable…and his son? Well…he was cringing a bit for he KNEW he blew it and it WAS a total mess and dad was known to lose his cool over other incidents…

And yet...he didn’t lose it. Dad instead left his son’s room before his temper got the best of him. He headed downstairs to the garage. There he gathered up the Shop-Vac, some rags, a broom, duct tape, cardboard, and other cleanup and temporary repair items. As he lugged it all up the stairs, dad realized how much calmer he already felt. This PAUSE of leaving the scene of the mess, focusing on what he needed to gather, letting go of trying to drag his son downstairs with him worked for him. He found he was returning to his son’s room, more interested in engaging with him positively as they cleaned up the mess.

Son? Initially afraid dad was going to lose it, was instead relieved when dad returned, calm and focused. Dad leaving the room created a PAUSE for this 12-year-old enough that HE could take a breath and move from being afraid to being curious about what dad was up to…. Now son was receptive and actually eager to help with the clean-up job. And because of dad’s PAUSE, they were able to work together successfully…even with a bit of humor as they taped up cardboard, figured out measurements for window replacement, chased bits of glass around the floor.

**Now what? They felt connected. In a positive and fun kind of way. Lots of learning happened–real learning.**

The kind that has a child focused on ability and task and skill rather than how crazy upset they or their parent is. And it continued into the next day as they headed to the hardware store together to get all that was necessary for replacing the broken window. A cool learning experience and relationship building time that could have (understandably so) been a disaster.

What did Mr. 12 learn? That dad could be counted on to keep it together (and now Mr. 12 could also keep it together…), that certain things were what you needed to use to clean up broken glass, that you could use cardboard and duct tape creatively, and that this is what it takes to replace the window.

Perhaps most importantly, Mr. 12 learned that dad saw him as a capable and competent soul able to take responsibility for the choices (and results!) he made.

Awesome. THIS is the power of PAUSE and parenting with calm connection. And it ripples out in amazing ways..let it change your life. If you need help, you will find it in all three of my books–let them empower you to make truly relationship-building changes in your life.

Here’s to you today,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Time-outs!

August 12, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Time-outs! Often relied on to change our child’s behavior, to “get them to behave,” to HOPEFULLY make them LEARN.

Baby Blues by Rick Kirkman and Jerry Scott

And I believe this comic says it all–“And you still don’t see the connection?”

When we use a time-out as punishment, as the go-to

consequence for “mis” behavior also known as behavior we cannot handle, or stand, or know what to do with,

what are we actually teaching?

It seems to me, when our kids hit, yell, ignore, dump the dog’s food bowl all over the floor, throw exactly what it is you don’t want being thrown, fight, you name it–if our response is, “Go to time-out!” or “That’s enough, young man. Go to your room!” or “You know hitting isn’t okay! You need to go sit THERE until I say you can move…”

…then our children are more likely never to “see the connection.” Or maybe it is that the connection they see isn’t conducive to learning just what it is we really want them to learn. And what really is missing is the connection they need with us in order to feel safe, secure, able to settle and learn.

What they hear and experience is when they choose to do something we consider “mis” behavior, they have to go to time-out. Mostly because mom or dad is mad and really can’t handle their behavior and now it is all about our mad (and inability to handle it. Scary, for a child). What is really learned? How to make mom mad. How to NOT make mom mad. And how unsettling that is for children, to seemingly be “in control” of our feelings. Rocks their boat, shakes them up, and often just creates even MORE “mis”behavior as a result.

What we really want, beyond not being mad, is for our children to learn to decide on their own to choose more appropriate and productive behavior; to be more focused on themselves and the learning we really intend.

Learning, from the inside-out.

Truly self-directed. Essential for future successful and healthy adulthood.

When the go-to is “Time-Out, Young Man!”, where is the learning to use gentle hands, a quieter voice, to keep the dog’s food IN the bowl or how to sweep it up and put it where it belongs? Where is the learning to throw appropriate items, place others, hand over some, plunk others? How do they know the steps to productive negotiation? Sending our kids to time-out often undermines the learning of exactly what we truly want.

Instead, consider a time-out as exactly what it is meant for–a time to cool off. To be used often in connection WITH you (a Time IN), or at least from the place of, “Wow, you are really really upset. It’s time to take a break…” A time-out is an opportunity to take that break, cool our jets, feel better, and then try again. Essential life-skill. A PAUSE. Knowing when you need it and how to take one is what we are guiding our children towards and probably learning to do ourselves . See my books for help in this!

All the other behaviors? They deserve our calm, matter-of-fact response. “When you hit, it hurts. It’s never okay. What is it you’d like to say?” “We use gentler hands on our kitty. Like this…if you need to hit, let’s go whack the couch pillows!” “Yikes! The dog food belongs IN the bowl. Would you like to scoop it back up with your hands or try sweeping it up?” “Blocks are for building or plunking. Would you like to try again?” “You are super excited! Let’s put the blocks away right now and go get all your extra throwing energy out with our soft balls…” “You two are having a tough time taking turns. You both want a chance to play with our new game…hmmmm…”

**And now our child has the opportunity to feel supported and understood by us, connected to us, and focused on exactly what we want them to learn more about.**

NOW they have the opportunity to connect their choice with a result that has them learning HOW to do something, WHAT they feel, STEPS they can take. All with your company. And they now are more likely to learn.

So today, think about just what it is you really want (beyond NOT feeling mad!), and let a pause for YOU step up so you can then join alongside your child and take the extra minute to talk and show. Pretty powerful, our words and actions.

And if it continues to escalate? That’s okay. Now it is a time to use a time-out as the PAUSE it is truly meant to be. Instead of a punishment, it becomes a powerful way to help a child feel the connection with himself and with you that has them calming themselves, managing themselves, and deciding for themselves just when they are ready to try again.

Now they’ll see the connection. And your job has just become easier… This is the power of PAUSE.

Here’s to you today!
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

YOUR (Future) Amazing Adult!

July 30, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Self-care Comment

What could be different if you set your sight on growing an amazing adult–one who is creative, a problem solver, self-assured, responsible, respectful, compassionate, self-directed…?

How then might you respond to the spilled cups of milk, the paint all over everything except the paper, the toe-dragging to do homework, the tantrum in the store, the flamboyant clothing style, the intentional arrival home after curfew?

I think:

...the spilled milk could become an opportunity for discovering what method of clean up works best–sponge (squish!), mop, rag…and an opportunity for practicing pouring a bit more all by themselves…an opportunity to experiment with different kinds of cups to discover what may work better. Or maybe just to discover that they are all done with their milk and Mama is a bit exasperated and everyone (including Mama) gets to take a time out to regroup… 🙂 This is REAL learning from the inside out.

…the paint that has escaped the paper in bucket fulls?! A wonderful chance to play with how colors mix, how effective brushes are (or aren’t!) to ‘scoop’ the paint back to the paper, what happens as you bring water and a rag to the situation. Oh, and don’t forget the chance to watch as the rag is squished over the sink and the colors that flow down the drain! All of this, of course, with the understanding that ON the paper the paint needs to be…and perhaps painting will retreat to the bathtub for future endeavors… 🙂 And isn’t Mama good at acting-as-if she is calm and cool as perhaps the paint just gets put away and “we can try again another day”?

...the toe-dragging over homework? An opportunity to discover what happens at school the next day when they choose to not do their homework. An opportunity to discover that their choice to stall leaves them no time to join the family after-dinner game. Or that they can count on a good snack and your company as they work hard at getting their math sheet DONE. An opportunity to discover what is really important to them, what they like and don’t like, what is their responsibility and is not…again, REAL learning from the inside out that will strengthen them continually as they grow.

…the tantrum could be come an opportunity to learn it is okay to feel mad, that they can count on mom or dad to keep it together when they cannot, that a tantrum doesn’t work to get the candy they’d hoped for, that they DO know how to calm themselves and try again. A chance to learn a bit more about how to manage all their BIG and necessary feelings. A chance for you to count to a hundred multiple times in a row…and remind yourself this, too, shall pass and that YOU deserve a bit of self-care.

...flamboyant clothing (or hair, or…!) becomes an opportunity to explore their identity–to discover how they like or don’t like their friends’ response to their clothing choice, to figure out on their own if attention from the opposite sex really is appreciated, to find out that wearing a poofy and frilly Easter dress and party shoes really inhibits playtime on the playground…or maybe not, since what they like the most is sitting on a bench talking with friends. Perhaps an opportunity to, as you really do say NO to a choice, team up with you and use their independent, creative ideas to brainstorm acceptable choices they feel express who they are. And now it’s an opportunity to explore WHO they are, separate from you. Just what they need lots of opportunities for!

...coming home after curfew becomes an opportunity to discover just what is their responsibility…to find out that having the chance to go out with friends the next night has just been jeopardized…that they get to miss out on something important to them…or an opportunity to collaborate with US as to just what needs to be different for a successful night out. An opportunity to connect with us in such a way that they feel heard and can get upset with us–that their mad is okay, too.

What does all of this require from us?

Staying calm and connected. Self-care so we can be (calm and connected). Letting go of our desire to control and make our children obey and instead recognizing in order to grow a truly self-directed, responsible adult, it is our job to embrace all the tests and problems tossed at us as opportunities for learning and growth. Theirs AND ours.

Becoming clear about just what we want the most. To take the time to think about that future adult we intend to grow and know. To consider what we are doing right now to encourage them in this direction. To let a PAUSE give you the chance to think less about solving the immediate “problem” and instead respond based on what it is you want the most–whether it is “down the road” or right now as you work hard at getting out the door in one piece.

Patience and consistency–essential for guiding our children well. Difficult, challenging, exhausting–yes. But worth every ounce of your energy–and the occasional babysitter–for the result is an adult ready and able to soar. Let PAUSE be your number one tool as you work hard at being the calm, clear, connected parent your child deserves.

And now the times when obedience is absolute? Think safety issues, here, or perhaps when we are truly exhausted . I think you will find your children are more able to listen and cooperate. How cool is that?

Respectfully,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

HOW Do We Get Our Kids To…

July 29, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships Comment

We feel like it is OUR job to…

…Get our kids to fall asleep…stay asleep…just SLEEP.

…Eat what and when we serve them–I remember so well the “Clean your plate!” admonishments in our family…and many others, as well. “No dessert until…!” Or how about, “Lunch is in two hours. You’ll just have to wait…”

…Make sure they are a good friend…or have friends….or just make friends.

…Keep them from feeling sad, left out, hurt. Or STOP them from getting oh-so-MAD.

…Do whatever it takes to make sure they DON’T feel sad, left out, hurt–or…do whatever it takes to make them happy once again. And definitely STOP them from getting oh-so-MAD. Mostly because we can’t handle it.

…Make sure they do their homework…get their homework “right”…remember to turn IN their homework–especially the homework YOU worked so hard on getting them to finish or just went ahead and did for them.

On and on we go…

And we get more and more frustrated, stressed, reactive, heartbroken along the way…because our kids? They know, intuitively, that how they choose to think, feel, and behave is really THEIR job. Yet when we make it ours, they no longer have to take responsibility for sleeping, eating, being a good friend, feeling happy-sad-mad-successful…for they can count on us to continue to poke, prod, nag, bribe, yell, remind, do for them all these things we feel it is our job to do in order for our kids to grow well.

And now we have children who are less likely to feel competent, capable, confident in their abilities. Children who have no idea how to manage feelings. Children who rebel, comply, struggle more than necessary and for longer periods of time.

Consider this–what if you were to focus instead on growing capable, competent, confident-in-their-abilities children and put your efforts toward creating an environment conducive to your child taking charge of the sleep, eating, friendships, homework, upset feelings? Now how might that look? Perhaps:

For sleep…a calming routine for all ages that evolves with age.

Things like:

Gentle rocking for your baby as they work themselves to settle or respect for them to fuss themselves to sleep on their own in their crib. Or rubbing their back or saying to them, “I know you can let sleep come. I’ll be back in 5 minutes to check on you.” And then you keep your promise.

Perhaps stories and songs and snuggles or a bath followed by a snack followed by stories and a back rub. And patience galore when it seems like you have to start all over again with stories, songs, backrub…

Maybe your company quietly lying next to them. Probably a quieter environment with special guys or blankies or other sleep buddies (and NO screens). And again, your patience 🙂

Maybe acceptance for flashlights and late-night-under-the-covers reading with our older kids. Or taking OURSELVES off to bed after saying a good-night to your still awake child, communicating your confidence that they can take charge of their own sleep needs.

Letting go of all of this sleep happening in OUR time frame and respecting our child’s work at this oftentimes tough transition. That’s the tough part. Helping them to “let sleep come” can be a lengthy process…

For eating…providing healthy foods, regular mealtimes, enjoyable and connected mealtimes where:

Conversation is had and full presence is in place. Creativity called upon as yet again the answers to your inquiries are filled with, “I dunno.” “Maybe.” “Uh uh.” 🙂

ALL digital devices off the table, silenced, put away. Absolutely.

Respect is given for a child feeling full or feeling hungry. “You’re done? Great! Please take your plate to the counter.” “You’re hungry? Dinner is in an hour. Would carrots and some cheese help you wait?”

Most especially mealtimes that are focused on being together and sharing stories…now you are more likely positively influencing your child to eat well, healthily, and tuned in to their own body’s needs.

For friendships…role modeling the kindness, respect and FUN people can have together.

Such as:

Providing lots of opportunity to play freely and at length. Outdoors whenever possible! Little to no adult supervision–at least, obvious adult supervision…:-)

Inviting the single friend over for your quiet child, multiples for your extrovert. Choosing a friend to join the family adventure or welcoming in the neighborhood kids to roar around the yard.

Sitting alongside your child as they experience the inevitable hurt feelings–role modeling again the kindness and compassion you hope to see them exhibit towards others. Oh how this tugs on heartstrings! Take care of YOU, as well.

Making sure the kinds of toys you provide are easy for your toddler and preschooler to “share”–blocks, Lego, markers, playdough, books. Or just head OUT side and you’ll find way less conflict to occur!

Stepping up family time when your elementary child is on the receiving end of unkind remarks, of not being invited to birthday parties, is left out of play on the playground–step up family time, do more together, let your child experience positive and kind and fun with YOU until they are ready to reach out once again to another. What a way to respect their struggle without communicating that you have to fix it for them–and instead communicating your confidence in their ability to move through it well.

For homework…creating a comfortable, un-distracted time each day for doing homework, perhaps snack included…

Ideas include:

Making it a time of connection and presence. Maybe by sitting with your child, or busily working nearby. I often got kitchen work done while my girls sat nearby doing their homework. Kept me tuned in and available if they needed help.

Asking your child questions rather than telling them what to do. “Tough one, hmmm? What have you tried so far?” “What would happen if you tried adding, first, then doing the other part of the problem?”

Trusting their ability to learn rather than “making sure they do.” Now they can call learning their own. THIS empowers.

Having a routine in place each evening or morning that makes it easier for them to remember to gather all their work together–and letting go of whether they remember or not. Now they can own the result of this choice when they get to school and realize they’ve forgotten their work…

For all those uncomfortable feelings…the ones we’d like our children never to experience for it hurts us so much…

Try things such as:

Creating a space they can feel safe in, loved in, heard in. Physical or emotional one. My girls and I would snuggle on our big poof chair (think beanbag filled with foam). We’d squish in together, sit side by side, and feelings would pour out. A young boy I know feels best in his room. He can get out all kinds of MAD there and know it is okay.

Being the calm and connected parent alongside them in their great big sad, affirming, maybe asking questions but mostly listening. And rubbing backs, sometimes. Hugs welcomed often.

Exploring with them how something feels, what they think another felt, what could help in these situations. Exploring rather than making. Letting go of “solving the problem” and instead be curious and explore. That’s all.

What does all this require from us?

Patience. Trust in our children and the process growth is. Calm confidence in just what we intend to grow. Understanding and knowledge of child development. Support. The ability to PAUSE and calm ourselves. Our OWN growth. Self-care so we can be all these things.

It requires us managing our own feelings–especially our anxiety. Taking care of our anxiety so it doesn’t lead the way and have us “making our kids” rather than guiding and influencing our kids. Now that’s relationship building! Taking care of our anxiety so our kids can, too. Taking care of our anxiety so we can relax, trust our child’s growth process, focus on how capable and competent they can be, and let go of having it OUR way so they can find THEIR way.

Now our children have the opportunity to grow as capable,

competent, confident souls for they can take responsibility for themselves, be in charge of what they think, feel, and do, know more clearly from the inside out what they are all about.

Today…PAUSE. Focus on yourself in whatever situation you find yourself trying to “make your kids” do something. Tap into your calm, confident self. Know that you can create the environment that is going to support your child’s growth as one amazing individual. Let this communicate your confidence in your child’s growing abilities–what an empowering message to a child when a parent exhibits trust and confidence in them–especially as their child struggles.

Respect the process growth is.

Here’s to you today,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

One Papa’s “Alice PAUSE”

July 18, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

A Papa shared this story with me of recent. It warmed my heart and delighted me–because he discovered how powerful a simple PAUSE can be. Here is his story:

“I want to share with you a moment of PAUSE:

My wife and our two boys (a toddler and soon-to-be-five-year-old) are just outside our kitchen with bedtime well past due–but everyone seems to still be doing well enough 🙂

I’m in the fridge and cleaning something spilled long ago–oh those sticky messes we can ignore for far too long! I had noted the half filled cup of milk on the top shelf, but alas–I still managed to make it topple from the shelf where it tipped and poured what quickly seemed much more than just half a glass…

With a groan of dismay and the look-about for where to start in order to clean up this new mess, Mr. Nearly Five says, “Well you just wasted that milk.”

Tired after an eventful day, eager to be in bed myself, yet further away from that goal with this new found delay…I found all my self frustration was immediately misplaced and focused on Mr. Nearly Five. I was about to send him to his room with a finger already pointing at him when a PAUSE let me realize how misplaced that frustration was and allowed me to verbalize (finger now merely bobbing) “That was not a very nice thing to say…”

My wife finished the into-bed-shuffle and I got to think (while cleaning up my mess) on what my son had said and why it was so bothersome. I recognized he was using words both my wife and I have used when indeed the kids have been wasteful or things carelessly spilled. It was very nice to get to think on The What of what just happened rather than dwell on The How it played out–all because of my PAUSE.

Best of it all was being able to go say goodnight and talk over The What that happened with my Mr. Nearly Five Year Old who said he thought I did “a good job using my words” to tell him how I was feeling. He seemed to understand the difference between explaining that something is wasteful and recognizing when accidents happen–and how it’s better to ask if help is needed.

It was a proud parenting moment and in talking with my wife about it, the only word I had to describe it was ‘pause,’ Alice’s PAUSE.” (A Proud Papa)

Here’s what I want this Papa to know:

What a wonderful, meaningful story–thank you for taking time to share with me . PAUSE at its very best, for instead of a relationship-depleting moment, it became ever-so-relationship BUILDING. Both you and your son had an opportunity to grow just a little bit more and in such a respectful way–all due to a PAUSE that gives time for listening and learning. For BOTH of you.

Today, I encourage each of you to discover what works to create a PAUSE as you feel your buttons pushed, the heat rising, the finger pointing and you ready to scold, blame, holler.

Know that all my work centers around this life-skill–be encouraged as you peruse my work, take a look at my books, find yourself recognizing when YOU exercise your PAUSE muscle just a bit more. What we focus on grows 🙂

With JOY and appreciation to this Papa and all of you,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Transitions. They Sure Can Be Tough!

June 16, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Turning Five. Finishing preschool. Moving to a new home. Saying goodbye to grandpa and grandma. Leaving for vacation. A new babysitter. A new sibling! Feeling better after an illness. Heading to a new school. New growth and stage…

What do these all have in common? Transition. And boy, can transitions cause real disruption for young children–sometimes just the daily transition out the door. I asked a friend whose little boy is turning five what she’d like me to address in my post, and she said, “big changes.”

She’s noticed, as her son finishes preschool and looks forward to his birthday how he has been having a tougher time of recent–you know, acting up a bit more, emotions a higher intensity, testing with more gusto, having a harder time making choices. I asked what it is she (mom) is doing that is helping the most as her son faces his big changes. And she said, “Listening.” YES. A PAUSE of sorts, this listening. Maybe it doesn’t lessen the tougher time, but it sure makes it more likely your child can move through it for they feel heard.

Big Changes. Growth. Transitions.

They require listening–with care, with compassion, with your eyes and ears open to just what is turning your child’s crank. They require stability, predictable routines and rhythm, a calm and consistent parent. They require knowing what to expect ahead of time, empathy, understanding, awareness. And the ability to let go and be flexible 🙂

What can you do to help your child through any transition?

Become even more consistent and predictable with the routines you can keep in place. These act as the stable foundation from which a child can better manage big change–any change.

You already know how bedtime has its predictable routine in place–brush teeth, potty, jammies on, 3 books, tuck you in, sing you a song, turn on your night light, give you 17 kisses and one for your nose, and good night 🙂

Or maybe it is your routine for getting out the door that actually works well. Family dinner may be in place with everyone knowing just what to expect–no digital devices at the table, conversation, sitting together.

Perhaps it is the goodbye you do as you separate from your child at daycare each day–you have a routine of hanging things up in their cubby together, choosing one thing to play, and then blowing kisses out the door.

As our kids face bigger changes, it is these routines and rhythms that start meaning even more. If you are facing a bigger change and your child is reacting, look to where you can increase predictability for them–it communicates ‘safe and secure’ to children and leaves them in a position to better manage the change.

Things you might find yourself saying include:

“When your new babysitter comes, you are going to have macaroni and cheese and then go walk the dog together, just like with your old sitter.”

“After your nap we will be piling in the car to head to the airport and get on the jet that will take us to Grandma!”

“At grandma’s you’ll sleep in a bed next to your brother. You can choose the special guys you want to take to snuggle in the bed with you.”

“You are sad about saying goodbye to all your preschool friends. We are planning on seeing them at the park next Tuesday, just like always!”

“Let’s go into your new classroom together and see the cubby it has to hang up your coat and put your backpack in. And when it is time for me to say goodbye, I will stop at the window to blow you kisses, just like I did at your old school!”

Things you might do:

***Make sure bed or nap time includes as much as the same routine they are used to no matter where you are. Maybe all you can keep the same is the special stuffed guy who sleeps with your child, or maybe it is that you can still read 3 books–no matter what it is you maintain, make an intentional effort to do something.

***Be even more intentional about honoring feelings–naming them, listening to your child, being close if necessary. Transitions can cause all kinds of upset that, once it is appreciated, can calm down.

***Reinstate routines as your child gets well from an illness (assuming the illness threw a number of your routines right out the window)–slowly bring back the bed/meal/daycare rhythm you had prior to the illness–this can make all the difference in life flowing once again, it can comfort a child as they move from feeling yucky to themselves again–“Whew, life hasn’t changed too much! It all feels regular again.”

***Stay calm and consistent with all your responses–even more so at times of disruption. The calmer you ride the wave of big change, the sooner your child can adjust–and just think of the role modeling you are doing! It communicates “Mom and Dad can handle it, no matter what.” It communicates just how change can best be met–giving them the framework for coping with future change in their lives.

***Offer up things your child can expect that might interest them–like the bookshelf daddy is going to build for their new bedroom or the great big laugh to listen for from Grandpa when he meets you at the airport. Putting your child’s attention to something that you know will peak her curiosity can help you ride through some of the other hard parts of a transition. And then follow through with what you’ve promised. “Okay! Let’s march off the plane and see who can hear Grandpa’s laugh!” “It’s hard to pack all your books in the boxes. You know the bookshelf you and daddy made? It is waiting for you in your new bedroom and once we are there, we can fill it with all of these books (and maybe use the boxes to build a fort 🙂 )!”

***Take care of YOU. Deposit into your Self-Care-Savings Account often. Discover what you can do, just for you, that only takes a short time. These deposits add up and help you with the patience, resilience, creativity necessary for helping your child move through Big Changes.

Just a few thoughts and ideas for you. I’m sure you have many examples you can share. The key? Being calm and consistent. Finding the predictable routine within the change that you can do. Emphasize it–no matter how small–for it is what young children need to face change that can rock their boat. Let them be able to count on you, on something in their day, on a choice they get no matter what. Now they’ve been given a gift of strength to help them carry on through any change.

And as my friend said, listen. Listen and watch and notice what is working for your little one to move through a transition well (which doesn’t always equate to ‘calmly’!). Notice what works to help them, notice what surprises you about their ability to move through the change. And especially notice, as life settles once again, just how your child has grown as a result.

Big change. Transitions. A part of the rest of our lives.

Make your child’s experience one they can grow from, one they can take into their future and be able to greet any change with the inner strength we all need to do it well.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Can I Have a Do-Over?!

June 13, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

“Oh, if only I could have a ‘do-over!'”

Can I rewind and take back those hurtful words that came flying out of my mouth as you dug your heels in and used THAT tone of voice with me? Oh how I wish I could!

Can I rewind and try something different that won’t have you ending up in a puddle of a meltdown in the middle of…(fill in the blank)? Being embarrassed is NO fun, and watching you struggle so leaves me feeling so sad…

Can we please start over with our family adventure so we can choose differently and not end up angry and tense and upset with each other? It all just feels crummy and that is not how I want our family time to be.

How often do you wish for a ‘do-over?’ Weekly? Daily? Hourly?! I remember sending my girls off to school after a Less-Than-Fun-Morning, then feeling guilty all day long…

It is easy to feel the guilt…to hit ourselves over the head over and over again as we re-live the yuck we allowed to happen, telling ourselves the “I shoulds, if onlys, I’m an awful parent.”

What would it be like to know these ‘do-overs’ you wish for can become a truly productive and ultimately wonderful launching place for just what you want more of–relationship building, truly win-win, even joyful experiences?

Give yourself the gift and grace of PAUSE–even if it is after the blow-up, and especially when you have finally calmed down. PAUSE, think through what could have been different if you had felt calm–or at least ‘acted-as-if’ you felt calm. What might you have done or said differently? How might the experience have looked with your calm in place?

When I can create this PAUSE, I find I can see more clearly what I could have said to my child (and have to stop myself from falling into that guilty place of why I DIDN’T say these things!).

I can see more clearly how I could have been more able to listen and hear what she had to say. My child could then feel respected and cared for because I listened…what a difference that could make!

I feel I could slow myself down and pay closer attention to what she is really trying to say. And maybe, just maybe the situation would not have blown.

Take time to think about how feeling calmer and more at ease in your Do-Over would have changed things. Then take a moment to recognize where you HAVE been even a little bit successful with doing so. Because you HAVE. Plenty of times. They just go unnoticed by you because, well, everything went smoothly!

The more we affirm ourselves, look to where

we have felt better about our own behavior, the more

encouraged we can feel.

Key for shelving the guilt and relating from a productive and healthy place.

The cool thing? Each time you walk yourself through a mental do-over you are strengthening the muscles necessary for doing it this way in real time. Really. Those do-overs…mistakes…”I wish-should have-maybe next times” all become key practice in strengthening just what you want more of.

They are a gift rather than a failure.

Let go of the guilt as best you can. I like to “shelve” my guilty feelings up high in my mind’s eye and tell them to stay put until I’m ready to deal with them 🙂 and do your best to welcome each opportunity as the gift it is–a chance to grow, become better, deposit into your relationships, feel confident in your parenting.

Practice. That is what parenting is all about. A constant practice.

There will come a time when you will have fewer and fewer ‘do-overs’ to think through–you CAN feel calm, connected, and confident on a regular basis. Life will feel better. YOU will feel better and your children and relationships will benefit greatly. This is the power of PAUSE. And when things do head south–for they will—you will feel steadier, clearer, better.

And the guilt? It gets rather dusty from lack of attention… 🙂

How cool is that?
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Making a Real Difference, Meltdowns and All

June 10, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

A favorite story to share…

Four-year-old twins, a boy and girl. A busy store. Two parents and a list of things to get. Here’s what caught my attention:

The little boy getting a hold of an item and starting to take it out of its package–mom knelt gently in front of him, placed her hand on his shoulder and said, “Son, in a store we keep things in their packages until we buy them. That’s the rule. Can you put it back, please?” And then, upon refusal of her son, she carefully took it from his hands and placed it back where it belonged. Her son began to fuss…

I so appreciated her respectful, gentle approach that I kept my eye on what was unfolding from there. Yes, I watch. I watch because I enjoy noticing what is working for parents and children, I enjoy actively appreciating a parent’s efforts–more on that later.

The next thing I noticed:

The family in line, putting items up on the counter for the cashier…the little girl was happily saying, “Daddy, can I help carry things?”

The little boy–already a bit out of sorts with having to stop dismantling packaged items 🙂 –was doing the four-year-old whine. “I want that! I want it n-o-wwww!” Still on the quiet side, but a definite whine, fuss, discontentment. Dad reached down and picked him up–creating just the connection his little boy needed–and held him as they continued with unloading the cart. The boy got a little louder with his “I want…give it baaacckkk…”

Dad looked at mom and said quietly, “What would you like me to do?” Mom said, “Head on out with him.” And out of the store dad and four-year-old went, Mr. Four now increasing in volume as he realized he was getting further from what he wanted.

Yes, I followed–the sunshine felt good as I was waiting for my husband back in the store. So I followed and watched this wonderful exchange from a distance. Dad calmly carried his now writhing son over to their car and paused by the door, talking quietly. He put his son down…and the boy promptly did jello legs and collapsed on the ground–yet still rather subdued with his whining. Dad picked him up and opened the car and tucked him in–calmly, patiently.

Enter mom. She appeared outdoors with her daughter–and here is my favorite part. I tapped her on the shoulder and said,

“I want you to know I’ve enjoyed watching your twins. I so appreciate how calm and patient you both are with your son–I know how tough it can be and I saw how much of a difference it made for your little boy.”

And she beamed.

We then spent the next few minutes sharing 4-year-old antics and their BIG feelings, how hard this stage is with her twins–she spoke of the challenges as well as the joy. We spoke of the importance of calm connection and consistent follow-through in order to help a child really learn. We spoke of the message their calm gives–that their children can count on them to keep it together even when they (the children) cannot. And this is why her son never really lost it–because they kept it together. Now he had the opportunity to really learn just a little bit more about managing himself–in a store, with dad, on his own. Truly awesome.

We parted with me sharing how this had put a smile on my face, with her sharing how encouraging it is to be actively appreciated.

And this is what I encourage each of you to do this week–actively appreciate another. Whether it is a parent with an acting out child, a parent getting real joy out of an exchange, a child who is working hard at being a great helper, a child who is struggling with a sibling or an activity. Take a moment to watch, to encourage, to say, “I noticed. Kudos to you!”

We all need encouragement and to be appreciated. And I bet you will discover and enjoy the smile it’ll put on your face and in your heart as you do so. What a way to go through our days.

What a way to grow connected, joyful, meaningful relationships.

What a way to live.

Another favorite story of the power of calm connection is right here for you: Pick Me Up Now!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2016 Alice Hanscam

A Beautiful Moment

May 23, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated Comment

A Beautiful Moment.

A mama, a curly-haired four-year-old boy, a beach, and a talk.

What caught my eye? First the boy, happily and busily marching up and down and up and down a great-big-to-him log on the beach. Pausing to JUMP into the sand…check out the waves…back up onto the log…sandy hands and all.

Next, the mama. Calm. Present. Quiet. Available.

Mr. Four was being given such a lovely space to BE. To move, think, imagine, connect on his own terms, in his own way.

Up the log he’d go…met by Mama with a twinkle in her eye. Maybe a few words exchanged, maybe not. It all depended on if Mr. Four had something to say.

Down the log he went. JUMP into the sand. Study intently the incoming tide.

I paused…watched…and then noticed and appreciated out loud to this mama the gift she was giving her son to just BE. And as you can imagine, this moment I paused became a Beautiful Moment.

A moment filled with sharing the power of connecting meaningfully, deeply. A moment filled with how life changing parenting is, how it calls to us to GROW, from the inside out. How, when we pause, calm ourselves, work first at growing our ability to feel centered and content to the best of our ability, our parenting changes, our children change.

Anxiety evaporates. Connection grows.

“Discipline” and “Punishment” become what they are supposed to be–a gentle, firm guidance done through calm connection, appreciation, and real JOY.

And yes, this is quite different from parenting permissively. You can explore my blog and “Parenting Well No Matter the Label” for more on that.

A Beautiful Moment of considering the power of parenting and living from the calm, centered, connected, affirming, appreciative, loving place focused on guiding children in empowering ways. She’s come to it along her path of discovery; I, too. And all my sharing with each of you is with the intent to help you grow this direction, also.

Just think what the world could be like if each and every one of us strengthened our ability to PAUSE, consider, appreciate. To grow our trust in life and growth and really listened to our inner selves, ultimately feeling steady and strong.

Just think how the next generation of children could more likely thrive as they grow in an environment filled with a real sense of security, of love, of being valued and appreciated for who they are, shown with care and gentleness and a steady assurance how to be, to grow, to live.

Just think. This mama and me? We felt the importance of our “chance” meeting. We both, I believe, parted feeling encouraged, affirmed, lifted. I did, absolutely.

And Mr. Four? Oh he was busily going down the log, up the log, and down again. Intermittently telling me about the Redwood Trees he and his stuffed dog were going to see, how the tide was coming in, how fast he can go, the adventures he’d been on and was going on, the special tires on his toy car, that he was 1-2-3-FOUR…!

What a delight. Thank you to this Mama who gave me a PAUSE to consider with care some of what we shared. Thank you to this Mama for the Beautiful Moment that has had me smiling all day long. And thank you to the curly haired Mr. Four who sparkled as he delighted in all things BEACH.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

L-O-N-G Waits in Line…

May 6, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

A story of connection, creativity, and all things relationship building for you from a wonderfully simple perspective.

A family. Two children, ages 8 and 10, and their parents. A long line awaiting entrance to a way-cool castle in Scotland. Think crowds of tour bus folk, general tourists, a small space, and castle ruins just yonder. Oh, and the heat. So very hot.

And think “buff.” You know, those scarf-like things we can wear around our necks for warmth? The 10-year-old boy had one (despite the heat!)…I’ll get back to the buff soon:

“How much l-o-n-g-e-r do we have to WAIT, dad????”

“Ten minutes until the ticket office opens!”

“That’s too LOOOOONNNNGGGG!”

Okay. So we’ve all been here. Whining and fidgety kids, crowds of people, hot weather and lengthy wait times. Here’s what I noticed, heard, and eventually went directly to the parents and appreciated out loud:

Dad, “Would you like to set the timer?” “

Boy, “YES! Can I choose the sound???”

And son and father took out the phone–the ONLY time I saw anything device oriented come out–and together they went through sounds until the boy chose one and the timer was set. Respectful–dad appreciating how hard it can be and providing a solid framework for his son to wait by–ultimately giving his son the opportunity to be in control of that very long 10 minutes . No “Quit whining!” or “It’s only 10 minutes, be patient!”

Just a quiet affirmation of how waiting can

be hard by offering up a simple way to wait successfully;

to actually learn to BE patient.

Sister and brother began to wander a bit…went over to the sign and read it out loud to each other. They twirled. Poked around the ticket booth. Pushed each other playfully. Mom and dad watched from the line, quietly. Kids returned to mom and dad and quizzed them a bit about castle questions. Whining was forgotten, quiet exchanges took place, and the kids were given the space to just be kids. Talk about communicating trust in their ability to manage their selves–both by being able to wait in a crowd of people as well as to entertain themselves…

And then the buff antics began. My daughter noticed the boy’s buff and, just as the boy was getting a bit agitated once again regarding how L-O-N-G the wait was, said, “Buffs are so cool! Did you know you can make a hat with it??”

And the play began. The buff was turned into a hat, a mask, a chance to be “backwards and invisible” as the kids pulled their buffs up over their heads and wore their dark glasses on the backs of their heads. Giggles galore. Then it was my daughter showing them how nordic skiers use buffs with hats included. Then it was how far the buff could s-t-r-e-t-c-h and be pulled and go inside out and outside in. Mom and dad laughed and shared their ideas. Sister worked hard at using her headband in the same way. My daughter and the kids were totally engaged–conversation, fun, creative ideas. Those became the quickest “10 minutes” ever. And we all enjoyed the wait in line!

And then later, as we toured the castle ruins, what did I notice? How easily engaged each child was with their exploring, learning, asking questions. How mom and dad answered questions quietly, asked new ones, and generally let their kids lead the way as they wove in and out of people, walls, paths, twisty old stair cases.

The respect for what their kids were curious about and the respect their kids had for what mom and dad were curious about was a delight to see.

What stood out was how comfortable they all were.

How present and focused and truly listening to each other they were. And two kids who really managed themselves well–fidgets and whining included. I went up to mom and mentioned how I noticed and appreciated this…and that I also appreciated the lack of digital devices and instead real time, face to face interactions. Her response? “We really think less is better…and it is ever so hard to do so with so many of their friends getting smart phones….”

We shared a bit about the importance of being intentional with our use of all things digital so that we can more likely grow healthier relationships, brains and lives.

I shared how awesome it was that they had thought ahead of all-things-digital and decided what they wanted the most––the kind of relationships they were now experiencing. Connected. Respectful. Kids who managed themselves well and could be restless, fidgety, engrossed in their own ideas and play. She shared how it makes it easier knowing what they really want for their kids…and how good it feels to be appreciated for the hard work they are doing to live just what they believe. Talk about building healthy brains!

Connection, creativity, presence, all things relationship-building. It really can be simple. It really can start with a buff .

We really CAN give our kids the space and respect

to just be without always taking responsibility for filling their time or calming our own anxiety over their antics by

distracting them with a screen.

What a gift to our kids when we become truly intentional with how we use our phones, our iPads, our computers–with how we decide NOT to use them.

Today, take time to put digital devices aside. Head outdoors. Get a pile of books to read. Build a fort and climb inside. Cook. Swim. Dig in the dirt. Twirl. Or get your buffs out and see what its like to make yourself “backwards and invisible” with a pair of sunglasses propped on the back of your head.

Most importantly, connect.

With JOY and appreciation,
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

What TO do instead of a screen?

April 29, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Screen Time and Technology, Social Emotional Comment

Once again, we are becoming increasingly aware of the damage screen time can have on developing brains. (World Health Organization’s strict new guidelines–read them here)

All due to the lack of hands on, sensory and language rich,

relationship based, whole body experiences. The way young children LEARN and grow. Optimally.

I think about how, up until about 15 or so years ago, the only real screen we had to “rely” on was TV. And yet, in our family, TV was rarely used in those first few years, and pretty much limited to 30-minutes a day until in elementary school. And those 30-minutes were usually PBS shows such as Mister Rogers and Reading Rainbow. Totally awesome, by the way. Often watched WITH us rather than used for me to get something done.

Ideas for you as you work at juggling the HARD of life:

Sometimes all we did was turn on a flashlight and hand it to our toddler or preschooler.Or a magnifying glass–that really got their attention as they focused on making things look BIG 🙂

A doll with a washcloth and a small tub with a tiny bit of water in it (a TINY bit if you want the mess to be minimal) has many young toddlers fascinated.

Have play dough available. Ever so soothing. Squish and poke and roll right up at the counter with you or settled in a high-chair or kitchen table.

Have paper and markers or crayons ready to roll. Or a collection of paper bags for them to scrunch, fill, dump, roll, wear. Scotch tape is a fun addition!

All of this? It requires a few things from you.

Then when all bets are off, exhaustion is too over the top, life is absolutely insane…a screen is okay.

Now using a screen is a treat, limited, useful, and no longer displacing all the hands-on, sensory and language rich, relationship based, whole body experiences our children need in order to grow well.

I hope you will share right here what works in your family to manage through the chaos without relying on a screen. Share your successes, your attempts, anything that you’ve done to minimize screens and maximize GROWTH. And find even more ideas here: MORE of What TO Do Instead of a Screen.

Sometimes it is the littlest thing that can make the biggest difference for a parent.

With appreciation and JOY,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Choice. It really can be confusing.

April 12, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

We know we need to give our little ones a choice, that it can make things go more smoothly, that now they are more likely to do what needs to be done, for they feel more in charge of it all….and yet, sometimes all those choices end up muddling everything up.

“But I GAVE him a choice!”

“I don’t know what choice to give…”

“There IS no choice! It just has to happen!”

Choice. It really can be so confusing…

You know what? Sometimes it’s okay to not give a choice–maybe even necessary to skip what feels like a choice. Sometimes giving choices just makes matters worse–like those times we have a tired little guy on our hands and we try to offer up enticing choices to help head them in the direction we’d like, and instead we end up with a puddle of a child on the floor…or avoiding you with all the nimbleness (and loud-ness!) only a young child has.

Yes, choices are good, kids do need them–this is how they learn to be accountable, to figure out what they like, don’t like, can and can’t do, are or aren’t responsible for. And sometimes is okay to make the choice for them.

Yet really, choice is still inherent in those times.

Let’s explore this a bit…

Let’s say your toddler is tired. You know it–for you know your little guy well and can see all the signs–the way he stops being able to focus for long on any one thing, the rubbing of the eyes, the cranking up of activity and behavior. You know they are tired. THEY know nap is the last thing they want–I mean, really, who’d want to leave the fun of a party, the adventure of playing and exploring, the important people in your life to check out for a while and sleep?!

Of course, if you ask, “Are you ready for a nap?” their answer is an emphatic NO. If you give them a choice of, say, “Do you want me to pick you up or do you want to walk all by yourself?” their answer will be to turn and run in the opposite direction.

Maybe they are asking for more food, to play a bit more, to read this book and that book and go pet the kitty and run down the hall and again ask to eat. And sometimes we actually get fooled by this, thinking if we just let them have another bite to eat, play a bit longer, read one more book it will make the move to nap smoother. Maybe it does–again, knowing your child well and trusting yourself is key. However…

…more often than not we are just adding fuel to the fire…so…

…this is where you get to say,“I see you think you’d like more to eat/more time to play/read one more book. I think what you are really feeling is tired. It is time for nap. Let’s go get your diaper changed….” And you calmly and gently pick them up to head down the hall.

If they go willingly? Now you are talking softly to them about what they can expect. “We’ll get you all dry for your nap and read three books. I wonder if you’d like one about the scoop shovel, or the one about the duck?” NOW it is time for a real choice! They are ready and relieved because you’ve made the initial decision for them–that nap time it is.

If they arch their back, turn into jello legs, and resist LOUDLY to all suggestion of a nap? Here’s where you get to continue with what feels like a lack of choice,”I know, it is so much fun playing. I can tell how tired you are. We will change your diaper and snuggle with our books…” Guidance–calm, connected, respectful. Sometimes that is all that is needed.

Your calm as they express their discontent. Your affirmation of how they feel. Your gentle and firm guidance towards nap.

Now they can feel safe even as they feel upset. What a comfort that ultimately is for a child to have a parent okay with how upset they feel. This may be enough.

Sometimes they need more.

Again, you get to choose. “You really are having a tough time being ready to settle for diapers and books.” You know your child well–maybe walking over to their bedroom window and gazing outside for a bit, commenting without asking for any input on what you see will help them settle a bit. I know it often did for my girls.

Maybe pausing and looking at them arching their back in your arms and saying, “Why don’t we sit a bit on the rocking chair…maybe we could start with a book or sing a song before we change diapers…” Or maybe, after a moment of respecting those big feelings, you realize they really do need a drink of water or milk to ease them into nap mode.

Then perhaps, as they settle, a choice that works for them is offered. “Oh…you are ready for that diaper change. Do you want to take your special guy up to the changing table or shall we play our peek-a-boo game…remember how mommy likes to nibble your toes?!” You know best what it is that engages them the most and you’ve given them a bit of space and time to first get their upset out–key for respecting their mad without wavering from the nap-time needs.

This is where choice is inherent. As you make the choice for them, they still have the control over how THEY choose to feel about it. Their choice to get mad, sad, even over-the-top upset.

Your calm connection and gently firm guidance helps them tremendously in managing their choice to be upset, in feeling heard and understood, in being helped towards discovering that certain things need to happen and you are there to help them through it as best as possible.

It communicates safety and security. It communicates respect.

Your calm connection and gently firm guidance says, “You can count on me to keep it together even when you cannot.”

What a way to grow a child from the inside-out–being respected, affirmed, heard, gently shown the way.

What a way to build a relationship based on trust–on being able to count on what you say, you mean and will do.

What a way for a child to still feel in control for you have taken the time to listen and affirm their choice of how to feel. Key for healthy relationships.

So today, trust your instincts as you look at your little one and know clearly that what they need the most is for you to gently guide them towards just what is most important right now. Allow for the feelings. Notice what works for you to be calm and gentle, yet firm. Let calm connection always lead the way.

Choice. It is key and it looks many different ways. Here’s to your confidence in the choices you make today!

You can find more about choices right here: Choices Choices Choices–Help!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Self Regulation, Toddler Style

April 9, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Self-regulation (nearly) two-year-old style:

…”No no NO!” with a wiggle and a squirm when picked up without being asked.

...SQUIRM, toss and turn, kick, squeal and two adults all for a diaper change…until,”When your diaper is on it will be time to go join Papa and play….” Body FREEZES. Still as a statue. Diaper on and a big, huge smile with a “Ready to GO!” expression…

…Emphatic head shaking back and forth when asked, “Can I give you a hug to say good-bye?” Followed by from the adult, “Okay…how about a kiss?” MORE emphatic head shaking…and a palm up to say “STOP.”

…Joyful head NODDING and arms outreached when asked, “Can I give you a hug…?” Ahhhh…only a toddler can send our hearts on that roller coaster as we so want a snuggle yet respect just what they feel ready to give…

…Knees a-bouncing, finger a-pointing, a look of total eagerness...”I want to go THAT way! Take me with you…” And off we go with pauses to ask, “Now which way?” And only the toddler knows just where we will end…

…Sleepy, eye rubbing, yawning…“Would you like to sing Puff the Magic Dragon or Rise and Shine for nap time?” No no no, those are ALICE’s songs. YOU sing You Are My Sunshine!

…Willingness and awareness that any food being enjoyed is enjoyed while standing still or sitting down. “Here’s your water…let’s sit down to drink…” and down he plunks.

…Eagerness to take off to explore the next really cool thing but PAUSES to open his mouth when asked, “Are you still chewing on your bagel?” “Ohhhh…I see food in your mouth, still. When your mouth is empty, we can take off to explore!” And his body stills, chewing and swallowing, and a wide-open mouth to say, “LOOK! I’m all done!” And off we go…

I had the incredible pleasure and privilege to watch a 22-month-old manage himself during a weekend wedding event that involved many new faces and places and an interrupted rhythm to his usual patterns. This little guy? He has been parented so respectfully, been listened to, gently guided, his choices respected, his feelings affirmed–and as a result, he flowed through this chaotic and FUN weekend directing himself in all that he did.

He knew when and with whom he wanted to eat, explore, move away from the crowd to take a break.

He communicated clearly with adults who listened and respected him.

His sleep time routines were diligently stuck to even if the timing was later than usual.

He made his needs clear without ever falling apart. His needs were addressed before he needed to fall apart. And when what HE wanted just wasn’t going to happen, he was respectfully affirmed, gently handled, and always spoken to with a quiet voice.

And he listened.

I do believe there were adults blown away by his ability to manage himself. To regulate his needs. To communicate so well through sign language and emerging words. There were adults surprised that he had a “mind of his own” and was CLEAR when they crossed those boundaries (like sweeping him up from behind with nary a heads up or awareness of just what HE was focused on and doing). And I’m betting there were some folks who realized just what the possibilities are when a child is parented respectfully from day one.

Very cool. So today, PAUSE. Take a moment and observe your little one. Notice what they are focused on, what they are feeling, what they are trying to say. Let a PAUSE and an affirmation lead the way. Connect first, then as needed be gently firm or joyfully eager. Let your child direct themselves as much as possible…including feeling MAD if they really don’t like what needs to happen. Slow down, observe, talk about what you see, what you are trying to understand about them…

Respectful parenting leads

with calm connection.

Exercise your pause muscle today–it will deposit into your relationships in exponential ways. Really.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

One Mom’s Real and Positive CHANGE

April 7, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Self-care, Story Time! Comment

A story for you!

Mom, fourteen-year-old daughter, eleven-year-old son. Reactive household. Lots of yelling, talking back, frustration, ignoring.

A daughter who began to hide things—her texts, her new found boyfriend, her self.

A mom who was clear she wanted to help her daughter be safe, choose with care, make healthy decisions. A mom who realized what could lie up ahead if she and her kids continued on this road of reactivity, of feeling lousy, of anything but relationship building experiences and interactions.

A mom who sought support via parent coaching...

She decided to start focusing on herself first and foremost…

Mom began to worry less about what her daughter chose to do and focused more on what she (mom) decided to do.

Mom began depositing into her Self Care Savings Account.

She learned about and focused on her PAUSE muscle.

She spent time reflecting on just the kind of adults she intended to grow…on just what kind of relationships she really wanted…on how she would like to feel.

Mom actively grew her calm(er) self and began to listen.

To stay quiet, initially. To express clearly her hopes for her children. To be clear on expectations without it becoming a yelling match. At least, only a one-sided yelling match, for she had decided to no longer yell…but what her kids decided–that was up to them 🙂 .

Mom found herself asking more questions rather than dictating what she thought the answers should be. She discovered she COULD sit through some big emotional times with her young teen and maintain the calm her daughter needed the most from her.

Her daughter began to flourish.

She began to respond well to her mother’s ability to gently intervene, rather than yell, nag, threaten. She began to trust what her mom said she meant and would do. This fourteen year old started to share more openly with her mother. To seek her out as a resource as things escalated with a boyfriend who stepped up his demands…his stalking via texts…the drama of first love relationships…the drama of friendships, period.

Her daughter felt empowered as her mom asked questions rather than told her what to do. She started, on her own, to choose better friends, healthier relationships, to stand up for her self. Mom and daughter began to laugh and talk and enjoy each other more and more often…and family life calmed down.

Fast forward three years. This mom?

She shared with me just how connected, joyful, respectful her relationships with her children have become.

Just what she envisioned three years ago when she initially sought support. She shared how her daughter told her she is someone she trusts, that she can count on mom to listen and often wait before mom intervenes in a situation. Her daughter shared with her how she sees her mother as a resource she can and does and wants to turn to. Cool, hmmm?

This daughter? She is about to fly. College is right around the corner. She is ready–feeling capable, competent, respected, trusted.

This mom? She is ready, too. She now knows, without a doubt, her relationship with this young adult is exactly how she intended it to be.

And the family? Oh the adventures they enjoy together! What a gift to both children to have a parent wanting and willing to grow themselves in order to become the kind of parent they intend to be. What a gift to the children to have a parent actively pausing, considering, living the respect and trust she wants to see; doing whatever she can to calm her own anxieties and worries enough that they no longer lead the way throughout the day; actively focusing on self-care–the foundation for parenting and living well.

What a gift to her children and to herself, all this work at growing has been.

I wanted to share so you can feel a bit more empowered today to pull your focus first to yourself, to trust the process growth and relationships are, to know–really KNOW–that the work you put in right now to parent with calm connection, to parent well, pays off.

It is worth the journey no

matter how many years, for it is about relationships. And it is our relationships that count the most.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author of “Parenting Inspired” and “PAUSE”
PCI Certified Parent Coach® and ScreamFree Certified Leader
©2016 Alice Hanscam

“I can’t DO it!” A story of tantrums…

April 5, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

A story to share–and oh, how I love stories!

Mr. N, tending toward having things ‘just so’ in life, couldn’t get his Lego plane to look just like he wanted. The whine was the first sign:

“Aaaaliiiccce! I can’t DO it. It doesn’t LOOK right…” Here we go…something that we’d done before and I’m sure would do again.

Me: “You sound frustrated!”

Mr. N: “I can’t DOOOOOOOOOOO it!” Escalating rapidly.

Me: “Can I help?

Mr. N: (Now flopping on floor), “NO. NObody can. I can’t DO it…”

And his half-constructed plane is thrown across the floor, busting all to pieces, and the wailing and screaming that followed was to be admired for its intensity

Me, with clenched teeth and an extra firm tone of voice–the best I could do in the moment:

And here is where I can honestly say I did well.

Then something magic happened.

Tantrums. They are tough. What worked for me?

That made all the past tantrums worth it. More about tantrums here: https://www.justaskalice.org/2018/04/15/tantrums-loud-giant-frustrating/

Here’s to more peace in your household!

Enjoy.

Great Relationships

March 27, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

“How To Raise an Independent Child with the Right Values” A powerful short video. I so appreciate Dr. Coulson sharing his story. Important for all of us as we work to parent well. (Thank you to The Daily Goalcast on Facebook).

“Well, dammit, they are good rules and I expect you’ll keep them. That is part of being in this family.” Potentially said after a teen daughter shares big upset over not going to a party that had a lot of the less desirable things occurring…and therefore against the rules of the family.

Sounds good, hmmm? Especially when those good rules are all about keeping our children safe, our values upheld, US feeling calm, proud, and IN CONTROL.

How about: “You are nearly an adult. I think these rules are good rules. Do we need to rethink the rules?”

It comes down to what we want the most as a parent. Do we want our child to become a future independent, strong-from-the-inside-out, responsible adult with a relationship with them that feels healthy, strong, close? Or do we want a future adult who resents us, pushes back against us, refuses to be a part of our lives? And potentially struggles, deeply, with adulthood?

It really is our choice.

As Dr. Justin Coulson says in his story, “Force creates resistance. Great relationships build autonomy, which allows us to leverage trust and builds massive influence.”

THIS is what I and many others write about, share, encourage for parents--the ability to step into a place of positive influence with your focus on building a GREAT relationship.

It requires a PAUSE (more like a million pauses…). If you take the few minutes to watch this, you will discover a very key pause of Dr. Coulson’s that made all the difference in the world to his daughter.

It requires us to LET GO of controlling our child–of trying to make them do things our way, to feel the way we want them to feel, to think how we want them to think.

It asks us to role-model INTEGRITY. To live the very values and feelings and actions we hope to see in our child. Yet give them the space to decide for themselves what their values, feelings, and actions will be.

It demands us to grow ourselves–to be able to manage all that ANXIETY parenting brings. Where Dr. Coulson pauses to finally ask his daughter about revisiting the rules, he is also working ever so hard to control is anxiety over what could be her answer…as parents, we all live this.

THIS is why we try so hard to control our children’s actions–so we don’t have to manage our anxiety.

Hal Runkel of screamfree calls this (and so do I) being “responsible for” rather than “responsible to.” Check out my article, “You are not responsible FOR your child.” By being more focused on getting our child to do things the way we want them to do, we are asking them to manage OUR feelings. That how WE feel is really up to them, that they are responsible for OUR feelings. Hmmmm.

Totally unhealthy. And quite common as we struggle with how to deal with all the upset parenting can bring. It communicates to our child our lack of confidence in their ability to learn about and manage their own thoughts and feelings, that they need us to manage their life, that we don’t think how they feel is of value, that we cannot handle how they are thinking and feeling. Hence they need to do it our way.

So really, this is more about us, this parenting deal. More about OUR ability to think of that future adult we intend to send off into the world.

To grow ourselves.

To think about just what kind of relationship we do want with our children.

To let a PAUSE lead the way, to be willing to step into the uncomfortable, and RESPECT our children enough to ask questions, listen to their answers, share our thoughts…

…yet let go of demanding they do it our way.

And now? You are far more likely to nurture

that Great Relationship, build autonomy, have a strong

foundation in TRUST, and be that positive influence–that MASSIVE influence your child needs the most.

Check this story out. Ask questions. Share your story. I care about all of our relationships, for it is how we can change the world…

Respectfully,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Power of Respect

February 13, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

What does stopping tickling when your child says stop, knocking on your child’s bedroom door and wait for a “come in!”, and asking first if they want a hug have to do with growing a future respectful teen?

Plenty. Think about this. You want your (future) teen to:

…have a strong sense of self.

…be able to say no to negative peer pressure or unwanted sexual activity.

…have a clear idea of what feels right and good to him or her and be that self-directed, responsible soul you wish for.

…show respect, both for themselves and for others (including you!)

And you know what? You CAN have a teen who is strong from the inside out, able to know themselves well and say NO as necessary. You CAN have a teen who shows you, themselves, and others respect.

Here’s how…

Begin right now to model for your little ones just the

kind of respect that grows a future teen able to do all of this.Model how he or she deserves to be treated by respecting privacy, respecting bodies, respecting their space; both emotional and physical.

What does this look like with younger children? A few ideas:

~ Stop tickling when they say no or stop or don’t. Just STOP. No negotiating. No “Are you sure???” No “Okay!” followed by “Just one more tickle and I’ll stop! I promise!”

~ Knock first on their bedroom and bathroom door and ask to come in. Wait for their answer. And if you need to go in? Knock, ask, pause, and then let them know, “I need to come in now…” and pause again to let them respond before you slowly open the door and head on in.

~ Ask first if they are ready for a hug, and wait for their answer. If it’s a NO, respect it. If it’s a YES, enjoy it!

~ Ask first if they are ready to have their face washed, their shampoo rinsed, their diaper changed, and wait for them to respond. For they will. And if their response is that they aren’t ready—then perhaps you can wait a bit more saying, “I can tell you aren’t quite ready. We’ll do one more book…splash in the suds for 2 more minutes…and then it’ll be time for me to help you…” And you do—both wait and follow-through.

~ Calm your anxiety over their messy room–give them that space to call their own and be responsible for it. What a way for your child to learn how to manage a space, to discover just what they do like and can tolerate. Key, you know, for future dorm rooms and shared apartments…

And yes, that means letting go of the mess that accumulates other than the once a month obligatory deep clean :-). Or something to that effect…because instead of a deep clean, maybe it is just a weekly collection of dirty dishes. Or clothes. Or maybe it is, “Having your buddy over to spend the night sounds wonderful! Let’s see what we can sort through in your room so you can find space for sleeping bags…”

~ Let them struggle--affirm the difficulty, the feelings; ask them what they think they can do. Describe what you see as they work at a stubborn puzzle piece. Let them know you are there and when they are ready, you are happy to help…and then step back. Hard at times, for we are so wired to “fix a problem” rather than see it as the growth opportunity it really is…

~ Give them options other than kissing or hugging Aunt Martha, Grandpa, the old friends coming to visit. Let them know they get to decide how to greet or say goodbye in a way that is comfortable to them. And that includes no greet or goodbye.

Respecting their feelings gives them the chance to figure out what feels right and good to them.

And of course, once Aunt Martha, Grandpa, or the old friends are gone, you can have conversations about how greeting and good-bye-ing are ways we show we care. You can have conversations about just how THEY want to show this care.

~ Let your child disagree with you–ask them what they think and then accept it as their opinions. Stop yourself from trying to convince them to see it your way…instead accept, then share what you think. And now their ideas are valued. Some pretty amazing conversations can emerge as a result!

Respect. Model it from day one–and you will more likely grow a teen with a strong sense of self and the ability to navigate pressures in healthy ways AND you will have a little one who better manages their selves—and parenting can get a bit easier…

Truly all around relationship building.

With JOY and appreciation.,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

The Magic of Respect

January 25, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

You know the cool thing about respectful interactions?

All the amazing things that emerge…

…babies who actively participate in care-giving routines–perhaps via closing their eyes and scrunching up their faces when you ask, “I’m going to pull your shirt on, now, are you ready?,” or picking up their legs, ready for the clean diaper, or working that spoonful of pureed carrots in and all around their mouth and face, followed by sucking and smooshing a wet wash cloth until their pureed carrots are all gone from their cheeks–all by themselves.

What a way to grow their capable and competent selves.

…toddlers who are willing to stop what they are doing and come with you right away because most of the time you respect what they are working on and give them the time they need to finish. Toddlers who actually consider what you are saying and asking…and then nod happily and join in with the job. Pretty neat, the more we respect them, the more they listen and cooperate.

…older children who feel confident and in charge of themselves (so essential for a healthy self-esteem and identity come teen years!) because all along mom and dad have respected their limits, their feelings. You know, all those tickling, rough housing, pillow fights, peek-a-boo games we love to keep going? Our stopping when our child indicates they’ve had enough communicates our respect for their ability to manage themselves, know their own feelings, be in charge of their bodies.

…children able to self-direct, to know and then decide what they want to do and do it--their ideas, their way. Like pouring 32 cups of tea for their stuffed teddy that evolves to dressing up in a cape as they fly around the house to flopping on the pile of pillows to immerse themselves in a book.

Or spending 20 minutes trying to coordinate broom and dustpan and pile of dirt, getting frustrated, trying again, finding out the dirt spills off when they angle the pan wrong, trying again…getting frustrated…flopping on the floor…playing in the pile of dirt…then up and trying AGAIN.

Our affirmations and quiet presence as they move through the frustrations communicates our respect for the job they are doing; for their own ideas and decisions.

When we respect our child enough to keep

interruptions minimal, they have the opportunity to grow

themselves as a self-directed individual.

They now have the opportunity to truly learn what they like and don’t like, what they can and cannot do, to persevere, to think creatively, to discover how they feel…what a gift for their entire future, school and otherwise! And way less whining and “I’m bored!” to push your buttons, making our job a tad bit easier :-).

…young children saying, “I frusserated!” “STOP, I don’t like that!” “I need a hug.” “Mommy, I’m MAD at you!” rather than tantrums, melt-downs, hitting and biting. With our respectful affirmations and naming of their feelings without trying to fix them, our children learn to manage them selves–with words, stomping feet, withdrawing into their blankies…all the while working on learning just what we hope–appropriate expression of all those big feelings. Respect allows for this.

…cooperative behavior more often than not–-the more we are respectful, the more cooperative our children become. They feel safe, heard, understood. We’ve communicated how they can count on us to keep it together even when they cannot.

They know for sure that how they feel, what they think, and what they are interested in doing is important to you–and when anyone feels that way they are much more likely to listen, compromise, collaborate. To create those win/win solutions.

With respect in place, you are more likely to

nurture the growth of a self-directed, focused, persevering,

creative, problem solving, cooperative and collaborative

strong future teen and adult.

What more could we ask for?

Respectfully,
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

I’ve Got To Pick My Battles!

January 8, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

“I’ve got to pick my battles!”

Pretty familiar, those words. If we haven’t said it ourselves, someone else has or we’ve been given the advice to “Pick your battle!”

Whether or not to have yet another fight with your child over cleaning up their toys, being home on time, dressing appropriately, putting their laundry away, keeping their hands to themselves, listening to you (the FIRST time), packing their backpack, remembering their homework, being respectful, NOT talking back or rolling eyes or using THAT tone of voice…is worth entering into yet again. Pick, because fighting over everything is just plain exhausting.

Feels like a battle, doesn’t it?

Fighting your way through their resistance, trying to

“get the upper hand”, “win”, be respected as the adult and the parent, to just get your child to behave…

And yet…think about this. If we go into something thinking “battle” (thank you screamfree), we are now preparing ourselves for a fight––for a win/lose situation. And boy, we’ve GOT to win this one. Because, well, we are the adult and we DO know better. Right?

It becomes a battle when we are out to get our child to do it the way WE want, the way WE see it should be, and perhaps the way it really ought to be much of the time. Perhaps. It becomes a battle when we can’t handle when our child makes a choice different from what we want and we work even harder to “get them to…”

And they work harder resisting resisting resisting. Let the battle continue.

Here’s my thought. What if we let go of “battle” and instead see the behavior as an opportunity to grow rather than a problem to fix—as a chance to let our child discover a bit more about themselves? About what they like and don’t like; what they can and cannot do; what is their responsibility and what isn’t…? Key things for healthy growth and future maturity–knowing more about yourself. Now what might you do?

I think you might…

…affirm your child’s feelings in the matter, letting them process a bit via a PAUSE on your part. A PAUSE that has you working at calming yourself down, as well 🙂

…ask questions first, rather than dictate and insist, then PAUSE so you have a chance to listen and consider. What a way to show respect! What a way to learn a bit more about how your child ticks.

…be clear about what the choices are, what is expected and then PAUSE once again to give your child the opportunity to respond, consider, maybe even offer up another idea.

…then step in and follow through calmly and matter-of-factly with whatever the choice is; with whatever the result might be from the choice made.

**An example for you–homework freakout.**

Oh no. Yet another afternoon of dragging your child through their homework. A dreaded time, for your child typically falls apart, throws a fit, stomps off, laments “I can’t DO this…” THIS time is different. THIS time you let a PAUSE lead the way and you let go of it being a battle you are out to win:

You: “This really isn’t working for you, is it? Your math is HARD. You look pretty tired and frustrated right now.” Affirming and acknowledging what is happening and how they are feeling is key.

Child: “I can’t DO this! It’s TOO hard. I just want to go outside and play…”

You: “Do you think some time outside would help? I know the math needs to be turned in tomorrow…what do you think would work best for you to get it done?” Asking questions rather than telling them what to do communicates your confidence in their capable selves able to figure things out.

Child: “I want to go outside NOW. I promise I’ll do the math later…”

You: “I bet that would feel really good. Here’s the deal–dinner is in an hour. Do you want to head out to play until dinner and then tackle your homework, or would you like to get it done before dinner? If it’s done before dinner, we will have time to play a board game after we eat…” Affirming their idea, giving them a clear framework for what they can expect.

Child: “Ummm….can you let me know when I should come in and do my math to get it done before dinner? I want to play Monopoly with you later…”

You: “Okay! Go have fun. I’ll check in in half an hour.” What a way to communicate your trust in their choice and ability to manage their choice.

Here’s the key, though. In half an hour your child probably will still want to play outside. That’s still a fair choice. You get to calmly remind them that doing homework after dinner is just fine–and it means Monopoly will have to wait until tomorrow. You are holding to your clear expectations without battling with your child over how he does homework. No threats to try to get them to still come in. Just a matter-of-fact reminder of results of certain choices.

So when dinner is done and it is homework time? One of two things will probably happen:

A child willing to tackle her math because you had respected their choice all along and stayed clear and firm about expectations…(and maybe a bit of moaning and groaning and attempts at still playing a game…)

OR…

A child who melts down because they really didn’t want to miss out on Monopoly.

And here is where you get to decide what

you want most to be learned.

If it is that you are the boss and what you say is what will happen then prepare for battle and what ultimately becomes pretty relationship depleting. This usually includes yelling at them or threatening losing out of all kinds of other things, or maybe even giving in and saying yes to the game (probably furthering the likelihood that tomorrow’s homework battle will be just as difficult and fiery…) Not a whole lot learned other than fighting is the way to be or if I (the child) push enough, mom gives in. Hmmmm.

Or, PAUSE. Stick to your promise of Monopoly tomorrow since your child’s choice was homework after dinner. Let your child melt down if that’s what they need to do. Start that affirming process again. Give them space. LET GO of the homework being done…for what is the worst case scenario? They return it to school the next day not finished. And then they get to discover what that means…and they learn a bit more about what IS their responsibility.

A real opportunity to learn, for you’ve gotten YOUR reactivity out of the way. And you’ve stuck to your promise, calmly, clearly, always in connection with your child BECAUSE you were calm and matter-of-fact…willing to let them lose it a bit…giving them the safe space to discover just what the results of their choice(s) look like, what they can expect, how they feel.

This is where real learning happens. Learning that allows a child

to understand themselves a bit more.

To feel accepted. To know they can count on you to keep it together no matter how they feel. To know they can count on you to show them the way, to walk alongside, to be their guide rather than nagging dictator…:-) To ultimately learn to manage THEIR feelings and actions. To feel and know what respect looks like.

Truly relationship building.

And it is a process, this growth. It takes time, PRACTICE, do-overs a-plenty, patience, self-care on your part, clarity of the kind of future adult you are hoping to launch into the world. It takes respect–respect for your child’s individuality–that they just might decide things quite differently from you.

You are their guide along this journey of growth and life.

Let the power of calm connection lead the way as often as possible…and you will discover “I’ve got to pick my battle!” no longer needs to be a part of your vocabulary.

And what a relief that can be.

Rocky Relationships…

December 27, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

A story of contrast for you.

A national park. Steep cliffs. Overlooks accessible to anyone, with signs indicating extreme care to be taken because of the drop-offs.

A mom and a six-year-old. Let’s call her Susannah. Mom and daughter cruising around on the rocks, mom taking photos, as were all who were absorbing the incredible beauty.

Susannah, being six and curious and unable to keep her dancing feet still, bounced all over the rocky overlook. Very near the steep drop-offs. VERY near. Mom, still taking photos, calling over her shoulder, “Susannah come here. Susannah, not so close! Susannah, I want you next to me. Come here right now. Susannah, one, two, three…listen to me!”

Susannah? “I’m just stopping right here, mom! I want to go over there. Mom! Can you see me? Mom! Look at me!!”

Mom, still taking photos and calling over her shoulder for her daughter to stay closer to her–all to no avail and all to increasing concern to those others also enjoying the over look. Mom’s anxiety increased, her frustrations communicated, her anger felt…and her words continue to fly over her shoulder with no follow-through other than more words. Her daughter totally and completely ignored her words and kept vying for her attention.

(Yes, ultimately all ended well, with the child safe and sound).

Fast forward 20-minutes and to another beautiful overlook with steep cliffs and drop-offs. A father with a three-year-old sitting together out on one of the outcrops–not entirely near the edge, but still rather edgy . As he said, his wife didn’t like where they were sitting…(dads just seem to do it differently…)

Father: “See out over there? All those canyons? Water carved them. Lots and lots of water whooshed through all this rock a really long time ago and left it carved just like this.”

Three-year-old: “Daddy, I can see the WHOLE world from here!”

Daddy had his three-year-old sitting on his lap with his arms snug around her when I approached and offered to take a photo of them together, with the backdrop the intensely beautiful and deep canyons all around. He accepted, and then the two moved off their rock and offered to do the same for my husband and me.

But first, here is what he said to his preschooler:

“Honey, I need you to go up to those rocks there and sit still while I take a photo.” He watched calmly as his little one headed right over to the safe rocks to sit. “Can you look with just your eyes for a little brown lizard who might come visit while you sit still?” Eyes got BIG and his three-year-old froze on the rocks, with just her eyes moving…

A photo of my husband and me was taken, a little girl sat tight in a safe place, and daddy and she, following his thank you to her for listening and being safe, skipped hand-in-hand up the trail to their parked car.

A story of contrast.

The mom in my first story was truly letting her anxiety over wanting desperately to control Susannah without having to actually control Susannah become a very serious safety issue. Because of mom’s anxiety–as seen both by her “checking out” as she continued to focus on her camera rather than following through with her words and going to her daughter to hold her hand and keep her close–Susannah really didn’t know where she stood in the scheme of things. Mom was saying one thing and doing something entirely different.

Susannah was trying hard to get mom to

connect with her and mom was trying hard to have Susannah mind without having to do the work it requires. Ultimately, there was a complete DIS-connect.

I get this–the desire to have our children under control without doing the hard work of actually controlling them. It’s hard, this guiding them in a gently firm way to help them learn that in some places hands just need to be held, and bodies aren’t allowed to go just anywhere. I get how hard it is. It requires a commitment from us that oftentimes can be exhausting. Interruptive, even, as we try to do things that perhaps WE want to do.

I also know I was seeing a relationship that probably was rocky without the current rocks they were on.

I heard the nag factor. I heard the bribing. I heard the anxiety and fear and frustration and anger. I heard the desire for connection and attention and I saw the testing that emerged as a result of a lack of connection and attention.

And I saw how, when we try so hard to make our kids NOT do something, we actually increase the likelihood they will do it. Hence a 6-year-old dancing near the edge of a VERY steep drop-off.

Dad in the second story demonstrated exactly the

kind of relating that has a child listening, exhibiting self-control, learning–all because dad was calm, clear, and gently firm.

He knew clearly the extent he could trust his little one. He focused on calm connection. He LIVED calm connection. He spoke with quiet confidence with his daughter; he asked of her just what he knew he could expect from her. AND he kept a close and watchful eye.

His daughter? She could trust him. She could count on what he said he meant and would do. She heard his confidence in HER that he had and she wanted very much to be that capable little one he knew she could be. He never told her what NOT to do and instead told her exactly what she COULD do. And she did.

What a tribute to the

power of calm connection,

of being clear and confident

in what you do.

Or at least working towards clarity and confidence! And what a way to have me wanting even more to support, encourage, and empower each of you so you can experience more confidence, connection, cooperation and JOY in your parenting journey.

What a difference. I keep thinking about this and about how I hope Susannah’s mom finds the support and encouragement she needs in order to calm her anxiety down and feel more confident as a parent before a real crisis occurs. If I could have, I would have stepped in and offered something–perhaps my appreciation for how she was feeling, my understanding of how scary it is to see your child so near to danger. It wasn’t the time or place. And the Ranger was there, Susannah ultimately was safe.

And yet, I continue to think about this mom and her daughter, mom feeling what could only be a growing discontent in how her relationship with her daughter was unfolding.

Today, I encourage you to work hard at pausing. At acting-as-if you are calm and confident if you don’t actually feel it yet.

Recall times you have felt this way for what we focus on grows. Put your attention to letting calm connection lead the way–it is powerful. So much real learning and relationship-building things can unfold as a result! Work at it just a little bit harder today, right now, or maybe tonight when you have the support of your spouse or partner or the comfort of being home rather than out in public. Do what YOU can to slow down enough to PAUSE, settle a bit, and then respond to your button-pushing child.

No matter when you practice leading with calm connection,

know what a relationship-building difference it can make.

And know that, as you practice a PAUSE and pay attention to the calm you CAN feel, it will get easier bit by bit. What a gift to you, your child, to ALL of your relationships.

Thinking of all of you today as you strive to parent well!

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Control. Obedience. Compliance. HELP!

December 26, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Control. Obedience. Compliance. “Do as I say, NOW.” “You better, or else…” “I’ve got to make them behave!” “If you don’t stop NOW, I’m going to lose it…!”

Sound even remotely familiar? Feeling in control of…well…just about anything in our lives leaves us feeling better, more relaxed, confident. And so often we exert this control on our child and focus on making them behave a certain way so we CAN feel better, more relaxed, confident.

But a funny thing happens…

…at some point the harder we work at “making them behave” the more they push back. Resist. Fight us. Spiral up and up and up. Things fall apart, can get pretty yucky, and we might work even harder at “making them behave” so we can feel in control or we might throw up our hands and throw in the towel…

Either way, we feel far from better. And our relationship feels pretty crummy.

So what if, instead of working oh-so-hard to control another, we instead PAUSE and focus on ourselves, first? Figure out a way to take a deep breath and calm down a bit? Think about how WE want to feel, rather than how we need THEM to feel? Consider how to feel and behave (perhaps act-as-if?) no matter how the other decides to?

You know, be in control of ourselves? DECIDE to feel calm, confident, relaxed no matter how another chooses to be?

When we can take responsibility first for ourselves, get clear on what we intend and hope for, and then interact from this place of clarity and certainty and hopefully way more calmly, we are much more likely to influence our child in such a way THEY choose, on their own, to make more productive decisions, behave in a more positive way, grow and learn in the direction we hope for the most. Really.

Think about all the times things have gone well, productively, moved forward without everyone losing it–or at least a time YOU didn’t lose it. Consider how you were feeling. What you were doing–take note. It’s important. And it is this, as you pay attention to what works and has worked for you, that will grow and encourage and help you create the real and positive change you want.

Influence. Guidance. What a powerful way to build relationships. Control ourselves, first. Get clear about all we intend and act accordingly–from the inside out. It is rather hopeless, if you think about it, to constantly be trying to control another. Maybe it works now and again AND it will inevitably blow. And usually when you want it the least. Because really, the other person? Your child, perhaps? They can always say NO. And they do. Quite often!

What can we truly control? Ourselves. Today as things spiral up, get reactive, or you find yourself beginning to pull your hair out over the lack of compliance and obedience, use this as your reminder to PAUSE.

Breathe deeply. Find a semblance of calm inside you. Think about just what it is you want the most in the situation–what you want your child to learn. Now step back in and respond to their antics based on what you want the most. It’s hard. And PAUSE is the key.

What a way to build relationships.

What a way to say, “You can count on me to keep it together no matter how you feel.” What a way to say, “Your feelings, ideas, and choices matter.” What a way to say “No matter what, you can count on me to be here with you.” What a way to realize and celebrate and embrace GROWTH.

Influence. Guidance. Respect for the process of growth. Now how does your relationship feel?Oh so much much better. Healthier. Real. Meaningful. Filled with trust and respect. Strong, from the inside out.

And yes, still filled with angst. But angst that, instead of relationship-depleting, becomes the trusted platform for all things growth. And growth is good. Always. Even when it is painful.

Exercise your PAUSE muscle today. And trust yourself.

With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach

All Eyes Upon You

December 1, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care, Social Emotional Comment

Back-arching, jello legs, hitting, yelling, kicking, sobbing, throwing. A true melt-down or tantrum in progress, not very pretty nor fun and all while:

...in the middle of the cereal aisle in the grocery store–maybe with various items launching themselves out of the cart like one parent mentioned of recent regarding a jar of orange juice…and another, a jar of salsa…

...visiting your in-laws…you know, the ones who often leave you feeling less than adequate as a parent…

…exploring the museum that you finally got your courage up enough to take your child to because you REALLY wanted to show them the cool child-centered, hands-on exhibits that all your friends say are a must to see…

…at the restaurant squeezed into a tiny booth surrounded by dozens of other people enjoying their meals…enough said.

...all places public—you name it!

All eyes upon you. Embarrassment. Anxiety. Maybe even anger–the kind that leaves your hand twitching, as one dad recently said. It feels like judging eyes, critical eyes, eyes that are saying, “Control your child!” “What a brat, can’t you make her behave?” “At least MY kids are minding.”

You can FEEL the negativity emanating from all the adults watching as you desperately try to “get our child to behave” (meaning, to stop melting down…).

You’ve been there in some fashion or another–I know, because I have, too. It is a common theme for parents.

Just think, what could be different if, in those moments, all the eyes upon you were sending you support, understanding, and encouragement?

What if instead of feeling all that negative energy we actually feel accepting, affirming, uplifting energy? What if all eyes upon us were really communicating, “Oh yes, it is TOUGH when our kids lose it in public!” “I can see how mad she is that you had to say no to what she wanted.” “He really is done with sitting still!” “My little one had her tantrum right in the middle of my friend’s wedding!” “When your husband was a little guy, he did EXACTLY the same thing. I remember feeling really frustrated about it!”

What could be different?

I believe you’d be able to feel calmer, more patient, and maybe even be able to allow your child the space (maybe away from the broken orange juice and salsa jars or the popular museum exhibit) to continue melting down until they felt calmer once again.

I believe you’d feel the kind of support and encouragement that has you feeling bolstered, empowered, part of a team–even with strangers, or maybe especially with strangers. A team that can truly move through this big upset with grace. Confidence (yours) could lead the way–confidence that “This, too, shall pass”, that “My child is learning a bit more about his feelings and how to manage them and I know I can help him”, that “I CAN move through this positively…”

I believe things could be very, very different. Today look upon another parent’s potentially embarrassing, anxiety producing moment and send them thoughts of compassion, understanding, encouragement. Intentionally think thoughts of “I get it! I know you can make it through this.” “Your little one is having a tough time and I understand.” “Hmmm, I wonder what I could do or say that could help this parent the most?”

And then, if inspired to do so, step into the fray and let this over the top stressed parent KNOW you understand, appreciate the BIG feelings–theirs and their child’s. Offer a helping hand with a quiet cheerfulness. Or maybe just meet their eyes and give them an encouraging smile–one that says, “I’m comfortable in your child’s melt down, it is okay.” Whew. What a relief that can be, to have another let you know they are comfortable in the big discomfort you are in the midst of.

Just think, what could be different today, right now, if all the eyes upon you were encouraging, understanding, appreciating? What could be different if you felt the comfort of support that says, “It will be okay”?

What a way to take care of each other; to grow compassion all around. What a way to take care of ourselves, as we intentionally focus on being supported, appreciated, encouraged. We all deserve this kindness and compassion—it allows us to be our better selves. Truly the self-care we need the most.

What a gift to our children, others, and ourselves.

Respectfully and appreciatively,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

OH Those Testy Toddlers!

November 5, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

So your toddler is an agreeable little soul.

Happily reaches for your hand as they toddle off to get their diaper changed. Willingly offers you their cup or plate when they are all done. Bounces with the utmost JOY when daddy or you come home. Reaches their arms to their trusted care-giver and waves “bye-bye” to you. Loves the family dog with snuggles and smiles and gentle pats.

And then it all seemingly goes amok.

That agreeable little soul? Now they arch their backs and scream at the changing table–it has become the wrestling match to rival all wrestling matches. That cup and plate? Thrown. Tossed onto the floor. Gleefully run away with to just the very place food and drink are not allowed. That delightful bounce and joy when papa or mama come home? Now it is defined by screaming and reaching ever-so-hard towards whomever is NOT holding them. Those simply heart-warming good byes (and hellos!) at daycare? Now you drag yourself away feeling oh-so-guilty for leaving because your toddler is left sobbing in their care-givers arms…and the family dog…poor pooch…ears pulled, tail twisted, back jumped on…those gentle pats? L-o-n-g gone.

Respectful parenting. It can be simple when things go agreeably. Cooperatively. Peacefully. And it can leave a parent over-whelmed and at a loss when things turn tumultuous. And they will. Regularly–because these tumultuous times? They mean NEW GROWTH. And with any new growth, things get out-of-sorts. For our toddler AND for us.

So how does respectful parenting look at these times? Hard to imagine?Here’s what I think. I think it is gentle. Firm. Clear. Consistent. Calm. A few eye-twinkles always :-). A “basic” recipe to follow goes something like this:

*** PAUSE. Take a breath. Find that bit of calm inside of you.

*** Describe what you see and/or heard.

*** Affirm and name feelings.

*** Give clear expectations…or framework for what needs to happen.

*** Give choice(s).

*** Follow through calmly and consistently with the choice made.

A few ideas for you:

“Your diaper needs to be changed. After two more books we are going to head to the changing table.” Clear framework and consistent follow-through–essential.

“It really makes you mad to have to stop and change diapers. I understand. I can wait a moment while you settle down…” Name and affirm feelings–always.

“It’s time to change your diaper. Would you like to hold the wash cloth or (the special toy saved only for diaper changes…)?” CHOICE–an absolute. Even if the choice becomes NEITHER and upset gets even BIGGER, you can move through the diaper change (or diaper wrestle?!) continuing to be that calm person your child needs in order to actually feel safe expressing all his big feelings…and then you get to say, “All done! You really didn’t like it and now you are all dry…”

OR you can try a PAUSE by saying, “You are really upset about changing right now. Let’s take a moment together and look out the window so you can calm down a bit…maybe we’ll see the dog dig-dig-digging next door!” Naming feelings, slowing down a bit and staying connected with a bit of an eye-twinkle…

“I can see you are all done with your cup. I’ll put it up on the counter and down you can get.” OR:

“Uh oh. The cup landed on the floor. Up it goes to the sink, and down you go.” Describing what you see matter-of-factly keeps your child’s attention on just what you want them to do rather than what you don’t. In essence, you are role modeling exactly what you want more of.

“Cups are for holding and drinking–when you are done we put it up on the counter. Let’s go find the balls you CAN throw…” “You are excited to run-run-run! The food stays in the kitchen. Here, let me help you take it to the counter and then we can run-run-run together.” Naming feelings, giving clear expectations, and respecting the energy needing to be expressed and showing them just how to do so—what a way to keep their attention on what IS okay to do…on what cups ARE for…on real learning.

“You really want me to hold you right now (as your toddler screams for you to hold him). My arms are full of the grocery bags. Daddy just got home and is excited to see you–his arms are full with YOU! Can you help him put his car keys in the dish?” Describing, affirming, offering up a choice…and keeping a bit of eye-twinkle at the forefront 🙂 .

“Hmmm…you really are upset. Let me go put the groceries down and then my arms will be ready to hold you.” Affirming feelings and being clear on what to expect--what a way to help a toddler better manage themselves when they know what to expect AND you follow through with just that. Trust is built this way.

“You aren’t ready to say hello to mommy and give her a hug. I can hold you a while longer. While we wait until you are ready, would you like to go with me and show mommy where your special guy is hiding?” As you describe what is happening, you are enriching your toddler with meaningful-to-them language and helping them learn to a bit more how to manage themselves.

“Ouch! It hurts our dog when you pull his ears. We use gentle hands to pet him–like this, see? Ohhhh…I can see you aren’t ready to be gentle. I’m going to take Dog to the other room so he can feel safe…” Feelings! Whether your child’s or the dogs 🙂 And respecting your toddler’s choice to NOT be gentle by keeping Dog safe, too…

“You and I will head downstairs and you can try gentle hands a bit later…” Matter-of-fact result of hard-to-be-gentle hands….respectful as you lead with calm connection.

Here’s the deal–when things get LOUD, uncomfortable, button-pushing, then really it is more about pausing, calming ourselves, and then continuing to step alongside our toddler with the calm, clear, consistent connection they need the most in order to manage the new growth that leaves them feeling so topsy-turvey.

Just think how incredibly comforting it is to know they can count on YOU to keep it together even when they cannot. Just think how safe and secure that feels for a young child (any child!) when in the midst of the turmoil new growth, new experiences, any upset in their lives can cause–they can count on you to be there, helping them do the hard work of growing. Respectfully.

Know without a doubt that your calm, consistent, connected approach will, in time, settle everything down once again. And now? Respect yourself and your inner turmoil and the hard work you’ve just done and are continuing to be presented with by depositing into YOUR self-care account! You matter.

Here’s to you and your toddler!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Connection Rather Than Correction

November 1, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

A story for you.

A Mama, 15-month old, 3.5 year old, and a quiet event in a large room with one other adult.

Mama and adult were in conversation. 15-month-old HAPPILY engrossed in practicing her newly discovered running. You know, little feet churning forward, balance worked on, distance accomplished. A total delight, as she ran ran ran from one end of the room, to the other, out the door to turn around and run run run right back in with the biggest smile ever.

Mama quietly delighting, giving her the opportunity to practice “separating” from Mama and being totally in charge of her own body.

3.5-year-old in constant conversation with the other adult, some words understood, others not, but the theme always apparent. The Halloween candy bowl. The SPACE to MOVE in this rather empty room. His job to “go find sissy!” as his little sister ran ran ran out of the room and back in again. The picture on his shirt. The work at peeling wrappers off pieces of candy and finding the garbage can. Talk talk talk. Totally fun.

On and on all the while with Mama and adult also engaging in conversation.

And then 3.5-year-old started upping the ante. Going to find Sissy included extra “hand work”–you know, pushing a bit as he decided to direct her in certain ways. 15-month-old plopped a few times on her bottom, wrinkled her brow, and pushed herself back up to continue HER job of running. Brother upped the ante a bit more–pushing a bit harder. Tears started. 3.5-year-old–being in the “out-of-bounds” stage preschoolers are in–became even more exuberant with his STRONG muscles…

Okay. This is where it could have totally disintegrated. It could have been Mama getting frustrated, stopping brother, brother ramping it up more, toddler falling totally apart, and ALL conversation (and connection!) lost as a result.

Instead…the other adult? She spotted a low table and engaged with Mr. 3.5 with, “You have STRONG muscles! I can tell your sister doesn’t like how you used them on her. I wonder if they could come push push push this table all the way across the room…?”

Bingo. Mr. 3.5? He took up the challenge. The table was pushed across one way, then turned and pushed again. “Whew!” both the boy and adult said. “You DO have strong muscles!” Mr. 3.5 said, “They are tired muscles, now!”

So plop onto the floor the adult and boy went. “Let’s REST those muscles!” Lying side by side they gazed up at the ceiling. “Look! A balloon is up there!” And their conversation continued, boy resting his body, then his eyes. The other adult joining in along side. Quiet talk together. Mama watching from the side with a smile on her face, not interrupting a bit, giving a lap and a bit of comfort for her toddler.

Soon the rest was complete and the escalation that had occurred was no more. Mr. 3.5 was back to exploring, talking, and being just-right-busy. Mama and adult finished their conversation. Toddler felt ready after the steadying comfort of Mama’s lap and busied herself just as before–run run running.

Delightful. All of it.

What could have melted down was instead

re-directed toward tapping into just what a 3.5-year-old needs–acceptance and acknowledgement of abilities, opportunity to USE those abilities, real and honest connection with another.

This was way less about “correcting inappropriate behavior” and way more about showing an exuberant preschooler just HOW to channel all of his energy. To manage himself in positive, productive ways, rather than be “corrected, directed, and then disconnected” in relationship depleting ways. Toddler, too. It gave a chance for Toddler to know, without a doubt, Mama was there to check in with, feel safe with, and now better manage her own upset over all that “hand work” of Mr. 3.5.

As a result, joy was had, conversations finished and enjoyed, connection felt, respect given. And just a bit more of self-regulation developed (aka, “appropriate behavior”). By both toddler and preschooler.

How cool is that?!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Whose Homework IS it?!

October 12, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

“What will your child learn when homework is HIS job and not yours?

Exactly that. It’s his job. No one is going to do it for him. Isn’t that what raising a responsible child is all about?” (Rhonda Moskowitz)

Back to school time. You are in the midst of it all. The transitions, the excitement, the stress, the worry, the FUN, the work, the who knows what that will present itself as your child moves back into the school rhythm.

And then there is homework. It is a very real issue all the way down to Kindergarten. There’s the fact that kids too young are getting homework–and too much of it. There’s the fact that we parents feel VERY RESPONSIBLE for our kids doing their homework–otherwise they won’t get good grades and then we must be bad parents. Or we won’t “look” good amongst all the parents who’s children soar at homework. Or we just get super worried our kids are going to f-a-i-l. Or or or. You name it, we feel responsible. And it becomes relationship-depleting…and undermines exactly what we really want–a self-directed, responsible future adult .

Read here for the full article. Rhonda (the author) is amazing. And homework is your child’s job. YES you have responsibilities. Responsibilities TO them for things that influence their ability to do their homework. So read on. Feel encouraged, empowered, relieved.

And then use all that time you used to spend hovering and making and pulling your hair out on yourself. Do something, just for you so you CAN step back a bit…

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Take. Your. Time.

October 11, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional 2 Comments

Take Your Time.

There’s a young Mama in my life of whom I admire greatly. She has the wonderful ability to Take Her Time through much of whatever her toddler and preschooler throw at her. She incorporates PAUSE in such a way that her little ones feel heard, understood, supported, and able to better manage themselves in all they do. Something you each know I speak of often…and yet walking the talk is even difficult for me at times.

I’ve learned much from her. I know she’s learned from me, and yet…this Take Your Time? Watching how she does this no matter the emotions or circumstance has truly empowered me to further grow this in myself. To relax a bit, no matter the situation, and Take My Time through it. No rush. The less the rush, the more it feels right. Good. Healing. Relationship-building, ultimately.

It is HARD, as you all know, in the loud, upsetting, maybe even tantruming moments. It is HARD knowing that it takes so much repetition for little ones to learn–why oh why can’t they figure it out the FIRST time that wrecking their sibling’s work isn’t okay, that hitting and biting hurts, that throwing their food on the floor and watching the dog lap it all up just isn’t going to fly after the first round of laughter from all of us?

We all want our words to work the FIRST time. We all want to make these big and uncomfortable feelings go away, settle down. We all want the HARD to become easy. Now. Not months from now, but immediately. I think this is accentuated by our culture of instant gratification–from ordering on Amazon Prime to Googling answers right away to instant or fast foods, to immediate results for many things and everything becoming just so much faster. That’s a whole other post to write–because I believe it is undermining our lives in truly unhealthy ways. Making it hard to Take Our Time. And it is in Taking Our Time that the most meaningful things come.

Back to the immediate parenting deal and that upsetting BIG feelings situation…

Here’s the deal. It truly does take strengthening our PAUSE muscle. Because as we strengthen this within ourselves–to create a bit of space to calm ourselves and recognize whatever the situation is–the more we can respond from a calm, connected place, the more that is learned. And really, it all comes down to Taking Your Time.

Maybe this looks like your understanding it will take repetition–calm, consistent, clear responses over and over again–in order for you little one to learn and grow. And so you settle in for the long haul. Get clear about what you want, be consistent and calm with how you show them.

Maybe this looks like taking a deep breath as things totally disintegrate and LET them disintegrate. With your company. LET the loud, big upset be loud and big. Work more at calming yourself or arranging your facial expressions to reflect how you’d LIKE to be feeling (!!). And be in it all. Take Your Time.

Because as you do so, you are communicating to your child important messages, such as:

You can count on me to keep it together no matter how you decide to behave or feel. What a way to help a child feel safe and secure in the midst of BIG feelings.

I have confidence in your ability to manage your feelings. You can count on my company and support to help you along. Just imagine knowing the important person in your life has confidence in YOU.

How YOU feel is okay and all WILL be okay. Wow–to hear (over and over again) that feeling mad or sad or happy or frustrated is OKAY. Just think how that can ripple out into adulthood! Someone who allows themselves to feel fully whatever they need to feel AND know that they will be okay. What a game-changer that could be for all of us.

How you feel is important. Valued. Respected. Imagine having that communicated to you as you rant over what a co-worker or boss or parenting partner did. That your rant is heard, Is important. Is valued and respected. For our children, that is the precursor to calming themselves. To being compassionate towards another. To eventually cooperating and collaborating and sharing and all those wonderful skills and qualities we want to see in our kids.

You don’t need me to decide for you how to feel. This is so key–it is never our responsibility to make another feel a certain way. Yes, we have great influence, and it is ultimately up to each one of us to be responsible for how we decide to feel. And this is empowering. Think about how that ripples out to teen years–as our children learn to understand, accept, and manage their own feelings, they are less likely as teens look to another to tell them what they should do and feel. Pretty important for growing in healthy ways. For relating in healthy ways.

What does Take Your Time actually LOOK like?

With little guys it is about describing what you see, first and foremost. “You are mad…your brother wrecked your puzzle…you both wanted that toy…it’s frustrating when that doesn’t work for you…you bumped your head and it hurt…” Just the act of describing, first and foremost, creates a PAUSE and allows you to Take Your Time. And it helps your child understand and process it all, too. It often gives you insight into just what your child is actually thinking and feeling. Sometimes this can be surprising!

With your older child or teen it may be about saying, “I hear you. I’m feeling pretty upset myself, right now. Let me take a bit to think about this. I will get back to you.” And then you do–both Take Your Time to think, and then get back to them. This creates that PAUSE that slows it all down and allows you to respond in a productive, relationship-building way. Ever so respectful.

Sometimes it is about physically being next to your child for a moment. Just being there, present, connected, waiting for a moment. Working harder at calming your own anxiety then calming them.

Sometimes is is about your encouraging self-talk telling yourself that this particular deal will take a long time to learn and you CAN continue stepping in patiently. Over and over and over again. You can do it!

Always it is about seeing any situation as an opportunity for growth and learning (for you and your child!) rather than a problem to solve. This is something I encourage all of you to reflect on–as you rush in to stop, solve, fix, get over as quick as possible (so you can feel better!), consider what you might do differently if you saw this as the opportunity to help your child grow a bit more towards the kind of adult you hope they’ll be. Consider, if it wasn’t a problem to fix, how you might approach it. When we step in thinking it is our job to fix something, we rob our children and ourselves of all kinds of important, essential growth. Another post to write!

Take Your Time. Slow it down when you can.

Focus first on calming YOUR self so you can help your child do the same. Allow for the extra few minutes to move

through a difficult moment. Allow the difficult

moment to be a long moment.

Sometimes for older children we are talking days. Weeks. And yet, as we Take Our Time through their difficult moments, situations, stages, THEY can feel all that support and encouragement that will ultimately move them through it productively. Healthily. Feeling competent, capable, in charge of their selves. How cool is that?

What do YOU need in order to Take Your Time? To take care of you along the way. Remember those Self-Care deposits I talk about? Be sure to do something, just for you, regularly. One minute, hours. Whatever works in your life. It all counts.

Be sure to think about where you have been able to Take Your Time. To feel more comfortable through upset. To help your child move through something difficult. Because it is those times that will bolster you in the midst of the here and now difficult ones.

And PAUSE. Often in your life. Wherever and with whomever. The more you focus on this, the more you strengthen the muscle, the more likely you will find yourself Taking Your Time through something more difficult.

This Mama I admire? She’s taught me this. To Take My Time no matter how disruptive, upsetting, uncomfortable a situation is. To recognize how my button gets pushed and equally recognize I get to control my own buttons. To act-as-if I’m okay with all the uproar around me.

And then the way cool thing happens. That uproar? It settles. Maybe because I Took My Time. Or maybe because, as I focused on calming my self I got a bit clearer about what to do. How to respond. Creative juices flow more readily. Or I make room for a surprising “solution.” Perhaps because I Took My Time, it gave my child the opportunity to figure things out.No matter what, something better emerges. Always. And the best thing of all?

CONNECTION. Real, meaningful, deep, lovely, joyful, heartwarming connection emerges.

What a way to live. What a way to grow. What a way to deposit into any and all of your relationships.

Today, Take Your Time. In whatever way you can. Little or big. Notice how you feel. Notice what works for you. And most especially, notice how it influences situations you are in–with your children, with others.

And thank you to this Mama. I hope she knows how much I am learning from her as she is learning from me.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Tired, hungry, and four! A story for you…

September 20, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

A story for you.

A 4-year-old, crowded restaurant, business being done among 30 adults with Mr. 4 being the one and only child. Oh. And pancakes and bacon, too. Eventually.

Dinner time. Food coming ever-so-slowly. His hunger ramped up (and was helped a bit by a snack..), his tired self getting more tired, and the buzz of conversation all around swallowing him up.

Can you see where this might be going? What would you expect from a hungry, tired, 4-year-old surrounded by adults and watching food being served all around…?

Mr. 4 initially was telling stories, drawing with pen and paper, sucking down his water and having fun with his straw. He busily shed his coat (keep in mind, 4’s are still learning all those buttons, snaps, and zippers…and armholes!), discussed important 4-year-old matters with those closest to him (like how many pancakes can YOU eat?)…

…and then he began to ramp up. In subtle ways. The quick “raspberry” with his tongue right in your face. The big, bigger, biggest kick and arm flail as he described something. Voice escalating.

And here is where a real difference can be made.

Here’s where we can EITHER get a bit agitated ourselves, worried he might act up further, stress over WHEN is his food COMING and then find ourselves saying, “Cut it out. Stop. It’s not nice blowing raspberries in my face. Keep your feet to yourself. Lower your voice, you are in a restaurant….”

And if we do that, most likely any Mr. 4 would respond louder. BIGGER. Maybe hit. Or kick more. Or melt-down all the way. We’d be even more frustrated. Embarrassed. DONE. Things would probably just continue to deteriorate until the Mr. 4 is hauled out to the car and you just leave. Still frustrated. Maybe mad. Pretty much all around relationship-depleting, with everyone focused on all the YUCK and a Mr. 4 still hungry and tired and completely unable to learn much of anything at this point.

OR we could PAUSE.

And then recognize quickly how our Mr. 4 is at that precarious place with hunger, tired, and all-things-adult around him, and without saying a word about the ramping up, engage him in what you know will help him wait further and manage himself successfully. Remember, what we focus on grows.

Such as…when that raspberry was blown directly in your face? Gently put your hand between your face and his, look beyond him to something you can spot in the restaurant and say, “I have an idea! Let’s go find the…” and then get up ready to roll…preschoolers often cue right into the “What? what can we find? I bet I can!” All raspberries-in-the-faces forgotten.

Or when the flailing and kicking happen (remember, this isn’t a meltdown flail and kick, this is a “I need attention!” maneuver), YOUR attention goes to “It is hard to be waiting so long! I need to move my body, too. Let’s go walking and see if we can spot the chef making YOUR pancakes!” And off you go on what is sure to be an adventure, moving bodies in just the right ways.

Instead of “correcting his behavior“ (mostly so you’d feel better…), you let a PAUSE step up, an awareness for the precarious place your Mr. 4 is in, and intentionally put your attention on what would be okay for a preschooler to do as they do the hard work of waiting. And ultimately? Your Mr. 4 now learns a bit about how to wait the long wait. That special-to-him adults recognize how tough it is and will partner along with him to make this hard a bit easier. That there are ways to move and talk and BE in a restaurant that are okay and help burn some of the tired-of-waiting energy.

What a difference that can be made by how WE decide to respond to our child’s potential “acting up.”

What a difference was made with this Mr. 4 who, even though he was all those things–tired, hungry, swallowed up by lots of talking adults–discovered, because of the decisions certain adults made around him, that he COULD be the very last one served his food…and Mr. 4 was, ultimately, the LAST one served.

And he learned, as did all of the delighted adults around him, that he could manage himself just fine, thank you. All because of the simple steps of pausing, staying calm and engaged, focusing very little on the ramping up and much, much more on just the right ways to help him wait.

And boy, did those pancakes and bacon disappear off of HIS plate lickety-split!

Enjoy,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Quit fighting! Go to your room!

September 18, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting 2 Comments

“No more hitting! Go to your room!”

“We have to leave, it’s late. If you aren’t going to listen to me, then there’ll be no bedtime stories when we get home!”

“No screen time. None. Zippo. Nada. Not until your room is entirely clean. Oh! And if you are going to use THAT tone with me, then there will be no playing with your buddy tomorrow!”

“There’s no way you can have the toy back. Not until you learn how to play with it nicely!”

“QUIT FIGHTING. Argh. Both of you–to time out!”

Sound familiar? Sound productive?

Usually not, unless compliance and obedience in the moment is your goal, and long-term frustration and discontent equally your goal.

Here’s the deal. When we punish we are really saying “You need to behave the “right way,” the way I want you to behave, otherwise I will lose it and won’t feel the good and in control parent I want to be!”

We tend to be more reactive because we are frustrated they aren’t doing what we want them to do. We are exerting outside control on our kids–trying to get them to do it our way–rather than helping them learn to manage themselves from the inside out. We tend to not listen. And yes, often what we are trying so hard to make them do might be of benefit to our child, the situation, but the more it is about our upset, the less they are really learning what it is we hope they will learn.

Instead they are most likely learning:

“Mom loses it when I…” (now their focus is on us, rather on themselves). “I sure know how to push Dad’s button!” “How I feel doesn’t matter, it is how mom feels that matters.” “I need others to control my behavior.” “I’m not competent…” “Dad has no confidence in me or my ideas or…” “I can’t control myself.”

Probably not the lessons you hoped for. And definitely relationship depleting and ultimately making your job so much harder, for your punishments?

They’ll need to get tougher and tougher over time, since the lesson learned is really that your child needs you in order for them to behave. Talk about exhausting…

Let’s look at a different approach–a respectful and relationship building one.

It takes more time, yet in the long run it makes your job so much easier, because your children grow themselves from the inside out, learning to manage themselves, learning to understand feelings, to collaborate and cooperate and work with you. Really!

Here are the same examples for you:

~”Hitting is never okay, it hurts. I can see you are upset. It looks like you really were annoyed when your brother surprised you.” PAUSE. Give space for your child to respond. “Can you tell him about the mad you feel?” And to the brother, “It hurt when she hit you! She really didn’t like it when you surprised her. You enjoy sneaking up and surprising her–it can be a fun game when she likes it, too.” PAUSE. “Do you two have ideas for how this game could work so both of you enjoy it?”

~”It’s time to go now. I can tell you are having a lot of fun and don’t feel ready to leave. What is one more thing you’d like to do before we get our shoes and coats on?” PAUSE. Listen. “Okay! When you are finished with your turn, we’ll head out.” Maybe your child still resists–“You really still don’t feel ready. Now we are going. Off we go to the car–!” And you pick them up, shoes in hand, and head to the car, calmly, matter-of-factly, ready to turn on the music so you have something to distract YOU as they turn their screaming volume up high…

~”When your room is picked up, you can watch your show.” THAT tone gets used. PAUSE. “It makes you mad that you have to work on your room, first. There is a lot of stuff on your floor–I bet it looks pretty overwhelming to you! Would it help if I picked up the clothes and you worked on filling your bookshelf?” PAUSE. “Looks like you aren’t ready for my help. I’ll be in the kitchen. If you change your mind, let me know.” And off you go…

~”Blocks aren’t for throwing! Let’s see how high of a tower we can build with them, instead.” “Hmmm…you still feel like throwing. I’ll put the blocks away for now and you and I can go find all the soft things in the house that we CAN throw!” “You really want the blocks back. When you’ve calmed down (and I can help you), you can try building with them again…”

~”Sounds like the two of you are having a hard time working together. I hear a lot of loud and upset voices.” PAUSE. Space for your kids to respond. “You both have ideas for how to play the game.” PAUSE. “I wonder what the two of you can work out so both ideas could be used?” And keep on pausing…

Respectful. Thoughtful. Your focus on what it is you really want your child to learn–to use their words, to control their bodies, to express their feelings appropriately and productively, to know what they CAN do to build friendships, to communicate, to grow well.

Now you’re communicating YOUR confidence in who they are becoming; that their feelings and ideas are valued; that they matter; that you respect them. Now they are more likely to respect you, as a result.

What does this require from you?

Pausing, first and foremost. Calming your own upset. Being clear on just what you want the most–including what qualities you intend to foster in your children AND what you want in the moment. Then stepping into it with the calm confidence and clarity necessary for guiding your child.

Often it isn’t very pretty. You can feel exhausted. A wreck. Embarrassed, even. Your adrenaline at times can get the best of you. I encourage you to keep focused on respectful parenting–on relationship building interactions–on the kind of adult you intend to launch into the world. And this is what you show your child as you guide them through the tumultuous times.

Show them how to PAUSE. Show them about feelings. Show them how blocks are to be used and how others’ feelings are to be respected. Show them what collaboration looks like. Show them respect by being respectful–and this includes honoring their choice to NOT listen or behave and calmly following through with the results of this.

Consequences really are just the result of your child’s choice and an opportunity to guide them a bit more towards the “end” you intend. Let go of controlling and instead show your child today. And know it is a journey, a process that deserves the respect of time.

You can do this! It initially takes extra time and energy…so be sure you are depositing into YOUR self-care account regularly–then you’ll have the patience and resilience necessary. And the best parts? Parenting gets easier and relationships can thrive. Truly. How cool is that?

A resource to help you along: “Parenting Inspired; Finding Grace in the Chaos, Confidence in Yourself, and Gentle Joy along the Way”

Here’s to respectful parenting,
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Lessons Learned from a Toddler

August 29, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships Comment

Lessons learned (and delighted in and stressed over) from a toddler:

~ Boxes and tape are way more fun then whatever is inside... Always.

~ When I want the blue cup, no the green cup, actually YOUR cup, but really NO cup, how about those crackers, no not THOSE crackers, I mean just PUT ME DOWN, I really want UP–it means I really am just w-a-a-a-y over tired…

~If you tell me it is time to get my diaper changed or leave or put on my jacket or get out (or in) of the tub, count on me to probably say NO…but PLEASE help me by meaning what you say and helping me to still do what you say it is time to do…now my world really can make sense…

~ Laps are best when a book is involved...and who says you have to sit still when being read to?

~ Even the littlest thing deserves great scrutiny…including that teeny tiny spider crawling across the floor, the crumb stuck to my thumb, the owie on YOUR hand, or the errant cheerio hiding under the fridge…(that deserves tasting, as well!)

~ ORDER is important! Keep the peas separate from the mashed potatoes, please…and I really do need to know that nap time follows lunchtime on a regular basis and that my favorite stuffed animal or blankie ALWAYS can be counted on to go to daycare with me…

~ MESS is essential! Smooshing the peas into the mashed potatoes makes a wonderful gooey and perhaps yummy (if chosen to be eaten) mess…oh! And how fun it is to lean w-a-a-a-y over and drop the gooey mess PLOP onto the floor and watch my dog slurp it all up…

~ When you say “Bye” to me, leave. Even if I cry. Even if I cling like an octopus or press my gooey nose and drippy eyes up against the window or end up a puddle on the floor. But make sure you come back when you said you would. Now I really can count on you!

~ Who says socks have to go on feet and pants on legs? Be creative! Think out of the box!

~ Puddles are SUPPOSED to be relished with feet, boots, hands, bottoms, dancing, hopping, poking, rock throwing, dog lapping, all things wet and muddy…why else are they there after it rains?

~ Sudsing up hands under warm water and watching the bubbles swirl around in the drain and more bubbles be made as my hands squish together and just getting lost in all this warm water play is a lovely way to spend lengthy time cleaning up…please don’t hurry me!

~ Tears are best met with the comfort of welcoming arms…or just company nearby cuz sometimes I feel MAD at you.

~ JOY is to be shared as ridiculously funny things happen like falling boom on my bottom to my great surprise or watching the waddling porcupine climb up the zoo cage or delighting in the swirling leaves or discovering a page in my favorite book that has you reading and re-reading and me acting it out and talking about it over and over again…with you.

Lessons from a toddler. What have you learned of recent from your little one? Or delighted in? Or been surprised by? I’d love to hear! Including any button pushing moments…of which there can be plenty with our terrific toddlers .

Parenting Success: What You Focus on Grows

August 23, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Recipe for Parenting Success continues…another Essential Ingredient:

What You Focus on Grows

Intentionally put your attention to just what you want more of. Such as…

…how your child happily shares her yummy snacks with you even though she almost NEVER will do that with her brother no matter how often you encourage her to do…it’s the sharing that DOES happen that needs our attention!

..the fact that your 2-year-old did finally fall sound asleep AND in his bed. No matter that it took two exhausting hours–he DID end up in his own bed . And asleep. Definitely focus on that!

...how easily your child listened and packed her own backpack and got her own coat and shoes on and was out the door and in the car…even though it was because it was field trip day at school and she was incredibly excited to get there. She listened, cooperated, and your morning transition went WELL. Something worth focusing on.

…OR how, despite the tantrums and backpack contents spread from here to Timbuktu that required YOU to gather up and that your youngest had to be hauled out to the car, you all got loaded up. Your kids buckled and fussed and moaned but were “ready to go.” THAT is to be focused on…”Thank you for being ready to go.” (I know, by the time you are in the car, you are d-o-n-e with the whole scene. I get that.)

..how you DID create a pause and calm yourself down…albeit near the end of a knock-down-drag-out fight with your teen. At least you ended on a more connected note…and that is to be noticed and appreciated, for really, isn‘t it the connection we ultimately want more of?

…when your little one, after unrolling ALL of the toilet paper quite happily–really, it is a way-cool skill to spin and spin the roll and it really IS delightful to watch how it spills all over the floor–then gathered up bits and pieces to plop into the toilet and flush it down. THAT is to be focused on and absolutely noticed and appreciated out-loud. “You flushed the TP right down the toilet. You know exactly where it goes.”

…the JOY your child gets out of playing board games, even though she gets oh-so-mad when she loses. It’s the joy and the willingness to play that needs our attention.

…how your teen does get his laundry down to the laundry room and into the washer. Maybe it still sits there several days later…maybe you find you dump it out into a pile just to make the point of “Why don’t you FINISH doing your laundry?!”, maybe air-dried and wrinkled clothes are of no bother to him (just to you). The fact is, he got his laundry down and in. THAT is to be noticed!

…how, despite the loud and pushy wrestling match between your kids, and the tears and “MOOOOOM’s” and “Make him STOP!” you actually found yourself being rather matter-of-fact and unswayed by it all. Maybe it was because of the wonderful day you had getting a massage and going on a long and beautiful walk with a friend and that your husband was bringing take-out home for dinner… 🙂 But no matter how easy it was for you to be so calm, you were. THAT is to be focused on. And appreciated!

Here’s the deal. When we become intentional about

finding what IS working and focusing on it, the more it can actually happen.

Children seek attention in the easiest way–and so often we give it for when things go wrong, for those are the loud, frustrating, chaotic moments and they exasperate us. And we let them know–often just as loudly, frustratingly, chaotically.

When our kids are actually doing things cooperatively, when they do listen, are focused and engaged with a friend immersed in their play, getting jobs done without being asked, we tend to ignore it. Oh, we often notice, but if we SAY something we might stir the pot and heavens we don’t want THAT to happen because at least now we have some peace and quiet…

And yet, those are the things we really DO want more of. So we must give them our attention–more so than all the yuck. What we focus on grows.

Let your kids know–often–what it is you notice and appreciate.

Give them attention (maybe after the fact, maybe during) for their ability to share with you, how much fun it is to play games with someone who loves to play them, how they do get their laundry started, can be ready to roll in the morning, put TP where it belongs, that they must feel so well rested after sleeping soundly in their own bed. And give yourself attention and kudos galore for creating the pause to calm down NO MATTER how late into the conflict it arises.

What We Focus on Grows. Always. In time, with patience, with a strengthening PAUSE muscle. This is a mantra to live by.

And it really is an Essential Ingredient in our Recipe for Parenting Success. Another ingredient can be found here.

With JOY and appreciation,

Choices Choices Choices–Help!

July 24, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional 2 Comments

So you give your child choice A or B…and they choose C. Now what?

Because really, choice A or B were the ones that you REALLY wanted them to take to make it easy for you–besides being the “right” ones to choose…and darn it all, they choose C 🙂 .

You know–it is time to leave so you ask, “Are you going to put on your shoes all by yourself (choice A) or would you like my help (choice B)?” Reasonable choices and typically it is a slam dunk and out the door you go. But today, your child ignores you…runs away…picks up their shoes and throws them across the room (lots of choice C’s!).

You might find yourself heat up and tip over the edge and march your child firmly by the arm to make them do just what you want them to do.You might find yourself pleading over and over, hoping to avoid a meltdown and still get out the door in one piece (though definitely not on time).You may be frustrated because you understand choices are good and here you’ve given them what is good for their little independent selves…and it didn’t seem to work.

Consider this–your child chose C because it is their job.

Their job to practice being in charge of him or her self

as often as possible.

Their job to test you, to let you know THEIR preference, to state loud and clear “I am the boss of ME!” And your child is right. They ARE the boss of themselves, and as the boss, they get to ultimately decide what choice they will make. This is truly evidence of just the kind of self-directed, independent soul you (most of the time) want to grow.Someone who is in charge of themselves.

Okay, but you still need to get out the door. To continue to support your child in their quest to be independent it is important to respect their choice. How does this look and still get out the door–maybe on time?

Ideas for you:

“It looks like you aren’t ready to put your shoes on. I can see how mad you feel. Describe what you see and acknowledge feelings, always. It is time to go, and because it is too hard for you to choose I will choose for you.”

And maybe you then wrangle your child into your lap and wrestle their shoes on–calmly, matter-of-factly, communicating your respect that they chose otherwise, communicating clearly the result of their choice. And now your child has the opportunity to discover whether they LIKE the result of choice C…and because you are calm and matter-of-fact, it isn’t about YOU, it is about them and their choice. Truly an opportunity for learning and growth.

Or maybe it is fruitless to wrestle shoes on, for it takes just a swift kick and the shoes go flying off once again. So maybe the result of their choosing C is you pick them up in one arm, their shoes in another, and out the door you go. Ignoring the tantrum in the back seat about “I don’t WANT bare-feet!” again gives them the opportunity to decide if choice C really was something they liked. “You chose to not put on your shoes. You don’t like bare-feet, it makes you really upset. When we get to school, you can decide if you are going to put on your shoes by yourself or with my help.” Again, describe what you see and name the feelings. Now your child learns a bit more about what they are responsible for…all because you’ve respected their choice and responded calmly and matter-of-factly with what needs to happen.

Or maybe you can tell your child needs option D and you are okay with that.

“Hmmm…looks like you really want to keep playing with your marbles. We need to get shoes on and head out. You can bring your marbles with you, if you like–I’d really like to see the biggest one of all! Can you come show me while we put on your shoes?” And now you’ve respected their desires, flowed with their energy, and still pointed them in the direction necessary to go. They can feel in charge and you can feel grateful it worked.

Staying calm and matter-of-fact helps your child

discover whether or not he likes the result of the choice he made–now influencing him in such a way that the next time around he may be more likely to choose differently.

What does this require of us? Patience. Understanding. Humor! Consistency. Stamina. Creativity. The ability to PAUSE–essential for helping you find that calm place to respond, that calm place from which to be okay if meltdowns occur, if the house is left a disaster zone, if your car’s back seat looks like a junk pile as you throw everything in and get a move on.

Choice C. It really is okay. Breathe through it, honor it, and be clear on what you really want, for now you communicate respect for your child’s choice and encourage the growth of an independent soul. And still get out the door.

More about PAUSE for you right here: Use The Power of PAUSE

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Important Moments in the Day of a Toddler

July 9, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Important moments in the day of a toddler…

…Filling, dumping, and filling (and dumping again!) just about anything. Your cupboard full of pans, all that laundry you so carefully folded and put in the laundry basket or actually got back into the drawer, the dirt in your garden or potted plant, the mushy peas one at a time into the cup of milk…and out again (uh-oh!). Filling and dumping and digging and pouring is important work…its math work…its understanding the world work.

…Routines! Bedtime, nap time, diaper time, bath time, story time, meal time, daycare time. The routines you stick to make a world of difference to a toddler. Those 3 books, 2 songs, and back rub for bedtime? The more you stick with it, the easier bedtime can be. Routines toddlers can count on help them feel safe in their world. Safe, secure, and now able to manage better all those LOUD feelings they may have about things. You, too

…Calm and consistent follow through on your part! Oh yes. Toddlers need to know what the rules are, the expectations, the framework. They need to know you are coming back after nap, that they ARE all done with lunch when food starts going other places other than their plate or mouth, that throwing blocks will be stopped, that you really will sing two songs like you said you would. What a difference this makes for them!

…Choices!! And only a few at a time (too many all at once is ever-so-overwhelming!). Like when they get to choose between the red and blue cup, or zipping their jacket or having you help them, or holding hands and march march marching or being picked up and carried. With choices, they feel empowered! In charge of themselves–something key for this age. Independent, oh yes. What a way to help our toddler grow their capable and competent selves.

…Saying NO! And delighting in all that means. And watching how we respond! Nononononononono may mean, “This is a fun word to say and I can say it easily!” to “Look at the attention I get when I say it..” to “NO. I don’t WANT that.” Our job? To keep our eyes twinkling. To be clear, calm, and consistent with what their choices are. To affirm feelings. To be gentle and light-hearted as much as possible. To let those “NO”s be the practice they really are–for your toddler to define his world in his way. Independence at its best.

…Opportunities to be in charge of themselves! We get to decide the food we serve them in bits and pieces, it is their job to work at eating it–messily, poking it, squishing it, mushing it around and spitting it out. We get to set up our home as best as possible for them to freely and safely explore in, they get to do the exploring–at their pace, with their ideas, with our quiet observation and affirmation of their work, feelings, struggles, success. We get to let them know it is time to change that diaper; they get to decide how it is changed (a wrestling match? With them holding everything? On the floor…bed…table…standing…lying down…with chase games in-between?)

…Goodbyes and hellos! What an important part of their life. They are working hard at understanding this disappearing act that happens, the concept of here and gone. Confusing, when we adults forget this and just leave. Or sweep them up with no warning to leave. Our intentional letting them know what to expect (those routines, again!), our consistent follow through of what we say, our respect for how they feel about it all (and still get it done, calmly…) is key for them to get a sense of order of it all.

Toddlers! What a time of expanding independence. What a time of incredible growth towards their capable, competent selves.

Our job? Practicing often our ability to PAUSE so we can be calm, clear, consistent in all we do with them. Including letting our eyes TWINKLE. And the Two’s become Terrific!

More toddler antics here: Toddlers! Totally Terrific

Alice

How would YOU feel?

July 8, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional 2 Comments

How would YOU feel if…

…a shirt was suddenly and unexpectedly pulled over your head from behind?

…people around you talked about how you perform on the toilet?

…people kept poking you, tickling you, and getting their face right up in yours when you were totally engrossed in a complex thought process (such as learning something new, or immersed in a good mystery book…)?

…in the midst of relishing a fabulous dish of fettuccine a washcloth was swiped back and forth across your mouth? And maybe the plate even taken away?

…you were constantly interrupted as you tried to stay focused on complicated instructions for constructing an elaborate piece of equipment?

…you were told “you’re okay!” as you grieved over a lost loved one? Or, “it doesn’t hurt!” following an injury that will require multiple stitches?

…you were told you needed to eat more even when you felt full? Or that you were all done even when you were still hungry?

…someone unexpectedly swooped you up and moved you without warning?

…things were pushed into your mouth without consideration for whether you even wanted them in your mouth?

I’d venture to say you’d feel upset, frustrated, mad, startled, misunderstood, confused. And this is what we often do without hesitating when it comes to our babies and toddlers.

Respect. It is key and it begins at birth.

Let your little one know before you put her shirt on—“It’s time to put your shirt on over your head. Are you ready? (look for the eye contact, the smile, the wiggle in response…look for the arms coming up or the eyes squeezing tight in preparation…) Okay! Here it goes…o-v-e-r your head…”

Keep interruptions to a minimum or not at all when your baby is concentrating on reaching for and examining something or your toddler is working hard at putting the square block in the round hole. Need to interrupt? Move next to them and pause briefly as you watch them, then let them know softly–“You are really studying the way your rattle looks as you move it! It is time to…I’m going to pick you up and we can bring the rattle with us. Ready? Here we go!”

Ask before you wipe mouths--better yet, give your baby a wet washcloth and let them do it all on their own—“Time to get the sticky food off your mouth. Here’s the washcloth. Can you wipe up?” “I need to clean off your chin. Ready? (as you hold it up and show them…look for their response!) You ARE ready. Wipe-wipe-wipe…nice and gentle. All done! Thank you for helping.”

Warn your baby before you pick them up—“Daddy’s going to pick you up so we can go….” Pause briefly and wait until your baby responds (A wiggle? A smile? Arms up?). Or at least pause for this slows you down physically, allowing your baby to be ready, as well.

Ask first if they want their pacifier, or another bite, and respect their response—“Looks like you are all done.” And stay tuned in to whether your baby WANTS you to keep tickling, poking, being in their face. Babies are excellent at letting you know they need a break. You can be equally excellent at respecting this. “I can tell you are all done with our tickle game! I will stop now.”

Always, always honor and affirm feelings—no need to make them ‘all better’–more importantly, just be there to name, ask questions, comfort. Now your little one can begin to understand their feelings–the start to managing them as they grow. And helping US manage OURS as the struggles and feelings grow in intensity–ours and theirs–over the years

Respect. The groundwork is laid from the beginning. The respect you show and grow from day one becomes a way of life–and this pays off hugely come teen years.

Start right now and PAUSE before you act.

Keep respect at the forefront of your thoughts and your actions will follow. Know what feels respectful, be clear on nurturing respect, role model it constantly…and you may discover that parenting becomes easier.

And YES, you can begin today interacting with greater respect no matter the age of your child. Let PAUSE and calm connection lead the way. It speaks volumes.

It begins with you.

Want to know more about babies? Check out Important Moments in the Day of a Baby.

With respectful appreciation,

Alice

The NO with all eyes upon you…

July 6, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! 2 Comments

Noticed and appreciated…

The Daddy at the airport attempting to go from point A to point B with a 2.5-year-old intending to STAY PUT at point A.

You know–jello legs, arched back, screaming…and Daddy trying to respectfully just hold her hand and walk. Impossible. Frustrating! Anger-producing at times. Definitely embarrassing out in public.

What did I appreciate? How he PAUSED.

Then how he looked down at his struggling child and just picked her up and moved on to point B. Matter-of-factly, staying quiet, allowing her to continue to arch and kick and scream. “Allowing” is really the wrong word, however. It wasn’t up to him whether she continued on with her upset…so no, he didn’t allow her to continue, he respected her need to do so and gave her the safe space in his arms to BE upset and still do what needed to be done–get to point B.

By the time they reached the seats where their family awaited, she had calmed...and (as only toddlers can) switched from very upset to totally happy 🙂

The daddy’s ability to be calm and matter-of-fact, to take charge in regards to where they needed to go and at the same time not try to make his daughter stop her tantrum spoke volumes to his toddler.

It gave her the secure space (his arms, even as she fought!) to get her mad out, feel accepted, manage herself, and move on. And Daddy had a moment of success–if he was embarrassed and irritated, he didn’t show it and he moved through it–role-modeling for his daughter how HE managed HIS feelings.

And then there was…

The 18-month-old toddler on a recent flight whose favorite word and comment on just about anything was, “No no no no no no no no no…”!!!!

A rather HAPPY “no.” I so appreciated how both his parents PAUSED, took his NOs in stride, never letting it phase them and often just saying, “Oh? You would rather NOT share the seat. Daddy is going to sit down, let’s make room…” Calmly affirming him and still moving forward with just what was expected. Their eye-twinkles, connection, and presence turned what could’ve been a real struggle into a relationship-building, wonderful learning experience.

I especially enjoyed standing in the galley alongside him and his Mama talking about IN the plane and then (as he pointed to the window) OUT of the plane. In and out, in and out, in and out we went, both with words and pointing. His total GLEE over a stranger engaging with him and enjoying HIS game kept a smile on my face all flight long. And then there was the “row row row your boat” song he and I sang that became, “fly fly fly the plane, swiftly across the sky?!” Oh, so much FUN. Delight and eye twinkles all over again.

What is important about both of these stories is the parents’ ability to PAUSE and be calm and fully present with their children

Exhausting, yes, especially while on a long plane ride. Yet the really cool thing? It is sure to set them up for future traveling to become more and more successful. Rather than succumbing in the moment to being embarrassed, exasperated, frustrated, just wanting their child to mind and behave and make the trip “easy”, they rolled up their sleeves, dug in with their patience and showed their little ones what traveling is all about, what is expected, how they can count on mom and dad to listen, understand, and guide them (all with little to no screens, by the way). These parents?

They used the plane trip as an opportunity for the rich learning experience it can be. And calm connection led the way.

Truly relationship-building. And eventually? This makes parenting easier. And it all unfolded atop a PAUSE.

Today, notice and appreciate the hard work you are doing to parent well, to pause, to build relationships, to grow healthy children. Let a PAUSE lead the way in all you do. It really can make all the difference in the world.

PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection.

Here’s to you today!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Our Response Matters

June 24, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional 2 Comments

When things get heated, testy, frustrating, maddening,

scary, grief-stricken…our response IS necessary.

HOW we respond is what matters.

Whether the heat happens in your living room, at work, in your community, during rush-hour, between your kids, you and your partner, co-workers, school board members, politicians and politics, anywhere and with/at anyone…

HOW we respond is what determines just what is learned, what kind of influence we are, whether productive and hopefully positive change occurs.

When we react–often loudly, aggressively, maddeningly, fearfully, trying to control and make and convince and stop–we tend to (and you probably see this often with your children!) stir up MORE of exactly what we are trying to stop, change, make feel safe, better, right.

Think about this. When we push back with often very similar behavior that our child (or whomever it is with) has just shown us–raised voices, rough handling, absolutes that are nearly impossible to carry through–our child either gets LOUDER, rougher, more upset, repeats over and over again the very same behavior and it just keeps escalating; or they–out of fear, often–comply. They are scared about OUR reaction and quickly do just whatever it is we are trying to get them to do.

Pretty relationship-depleting.

Nor very productive in the long-run, or the kind of positive influence we really want to be as we consider being the kind of resource and person we want our child to WANT to come back to. Especially when the going gets tough.

HOW we respond to any kind of conflict or challenge presented, no matter the “stage” (your living room, at work, on the road, in the community, country, world), will determine just what will be learned.

So…

PAUSE. Strengthen this muscle every chance you get.

PAUSE. Discover what works for YOU to calm all (or at least some of) the heat that is inside you.

Get CLEAR on just what you want the most, what you intend.

This includes thinking about what you value the most–qualities, strengths, beliefs. This includes what kind of influence YOU intend to be. This includes just what kind of adult you want to send off into the world, what kind of community you want to live in…

Step back into the situation and RESPOND (rather than react) based on what you want the MOST.

And now your calm(er) and clear(er) self will more likely say words that have a meaningful and positive impact, your actions will support your words (Integrity–what you mean you say and will do. Essential for living well), and you will more likely be listened to, cooperated or collaborated with, and most definitely will be respected. Because you are being respectful.

Sounds like a lot to do, doesn’t it? Like something you really have NO time for. And yet, if we don’t start working on our ability to control ourselves and parent, live, lead from a truly authentic place–from inside-out, clear on building healthy relationships and communities, able to be the mature adult our children and world need, then things are going to ramp up and get ever harder.

Anxiety, fear, anger will grow. And our opportunities to get stronger at being calmer will not only increase, they will overwhelm. And it really is just “easier” to react. Though all that does is spiral it up even more.

So what does it all really mean or look like?

Instead of the desire and then reaction to get your child to quit hitting his brother….what you hopefully want the MOST is your child to learn how to problem solve, negotiate, work through conflict in productive ways. The desire to quit hitting is very real. The response needs to be based on learning to work through conflict in productive ways.

Instead of just getting out the door on time, period, and doing whatever it takes to get everyone out the door on time, what you hopefully want is a child who is learning how to manage THEIR time well, what it takes to be ready to roll, how their choices ripple out to impact the rest of their day…

Instead of rescuing a struggling child as they work on something difficult (whether it is a project, a Great Big Sad, challenging friendships, bullying, learning something new, taking responsibility for the results of a choice that wasn’t so wonderful…), what you want the MOST is a child able to manage the hard of the struggle. To know they can work through feelings productively, that they can count on your calm and safe presence to unload, that they can feel capable and competent as they figure things out. That mistakes are okay. Something to learn from instead of just fix.

That is what looking to what you want the MOST is all about.

Sometimes our response seems to be no response—because we have, following a PAUSE, calmed ourselves down enough that we wait. We watch. We listen. And often discover because of our calm, observant, quiet self we are providing LESS attention to the very less-than-desirable behavior…and that behavior? It now lessens. Changes. Shifts all on its own–or seemingly so. When our response is an intentional “no” response our respectful, quiet, watchful and waiting selves have just influenced another in a positive and productive way.

Sometimes our response is quick, firm, and done with your full and respectful presence as you stop your child or another from hurting or being hurt. Those are those immediate safety concerns…and when done with the Gentle Firmness that our quick and immediate response is when from a strengthened PAUSE muscle, it stays relationship-building. Even as anxiety, fear, and the LOUD of upset take over.

HOW we respond determines what is learned…

…and it is in the HOW that can be what is essential for growing more of the good, strong, productive, relationship-building, appreciative, even positive that we want for our children, our relationships, our communities, our world.

What we focus on grows.

This testy, LOUD, reactivity? It really is way more about each of us–something we can control. Today, tomorrow, forever–work at putting your attention first within yourself and getting calm and clear. Then make your response be in the good, kind, productive, appreciative, honest, collaborative, cooperative, relationship-BUILDING direction.

Respond with calm, clear, honest intention. What a world of difference this can make.

It matters.

To help you along: It’s HARD to PAUSE

Or: How Many Times Do I Need To Tell You?

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice Hanscam
Author and Parent Coach
www.denaliparentcoaching.com

No No NO! I said NO!

June 17, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

“No no!”
“I said NO.”
“Stop that!”

“Come here to mama right now.”

“I said, come here!”

Then maybe the Arm Grab or Yank.
Or the Hand Slap or Bottom Swat.
Definitely the “ARGH! You didn’t LISTEN.”

Sound familiar?

Toddlers. Oh so trying, testing, totally terrific, too

(Preschoolers, too. Or maybe elementary. Definitely teens…and really, as you read this, know that if you have an older-than-toddler-child, it is still much the same…with tweaks, of course…)

Their job?

To be increasingly in charge of themselves (Think: future independent young adult).

To try things on for size–over and over and over again.

To see–truly SEE–if they can count on YOU to act upon what you say–and hopefully the first time.

To ask of us to be clear about what it is we want–and if we aren’t, they’ll just test us once again…to try to be SURE of what we want…

And boy, does this often get a rise out of us. Just BEHAVE. Do what I say and without a fuss (hopefully without a fuss! Which is why we say NO and STOP and Come here over and over again, hoping to avoid that fuss, because it just requires even MORE time and it can be so darn embarrassing).

Hence the repeating we do. The ARGH and Arm Yank or Hand Slap or Bottom Swat.

DISCLAIMER: Never do I recommend these EVER (except for the ARGH!).

And it begins to ramp up. We wonder why they KEEP testing us…why these often adorable, delightful, joyful little ones look us in the eye and hit or bite or ignore us once again.

Here’s the deal. These toddlers? They need us to be calm.

Consistent. Clear.

They need us to communicate with OUR words just what it is we want. They need us to show them–patiently and often–just what it is we are wanting them to do and learn and how to BE. That Arm Yank? Hand Slap? Bottom Swat? All they really teach is that it is okay to yank, slap, swat–not something we want our child doing to another, not something we should ever do.

All they really teach is that Mama or Papa do THIS when I do THAT. Not very effective for really helping a little one learn about their world or themselves. All it really does is turn their impish selves ON even more and test, act up, push your buttons–probably not what you intend to have happen!

A few ideas for you as you work on guiding your toddler in positive, productive, and healthy ways:

Describe what you see, first: “You are busy pulling all the clothes out of the drawer!” (this, after you spent all day just trying to get the laundry put away!).” Then you head over next to your toddler who is wonderfully practicing just the opposite of what she saw you doing as you put laundry away and say, “Mama just finished getting all these shirts and socks IN to the drawer! Can you plunk them back in with me? One, two, three…in they go.”

And as your toddler looks at you with that impish twinkle and runs away in circles to just come back and take armfuls back OUT of the drawer? Instead of the “NO” or the Arm Yank, Hand Slap or the Bottom Swat followed by the “I told you to stop!” try:

“It’s too hard for you to keep the clothes where they belong right now. I’m going to scoop them up and put them away.” And you can physically insert your body between drawers and toddler as you (cheerfully–or as cheerfully as possible…or maybe not cheerfully at all…) dump the clothes back in (to be folded once again at a later date–maybe), then turn to your tot and say, “Up you go and let’s check on kitty…or something outside…or a book…or…”

Now you’ve followed through with what you’ve said–that the clothes belong in the drawer. You’ve given a choice for them to join in with you—and keeping it light-hearted you are staying connected in a way that speaks loudly to a young child. You’ve stopped them without punishment and instead helped them through one of their testing moments (remember, testing is really all about US–whether we can pass their test by being calm and consistent and clear). Now they can learn a bit more about managing themselves.

Now you’ve just stepped in as the GUIDE they need…

…rather than the rather harried disciplinarian who is really more concerned about control and losing control…Okay. So what about the more extreme moments? Hitting, biting, BIG tears/screams–-the same thing goes for these.

Stop the hurting behavior with, “I will stop you from hitting/biting me, it HURTS.”

Then affirm feelings involved/describe what you see, “You are really frustrated because you’d like me to play with you and I’m so busy talking to papa.”

Offer up what it is you WANT–-and how they can participate in that: “It’s so hard to wait when I’m busy, isn’t it? Would you like me to pick you up while you wait for Papa and me to be done?”

And maybe it is about pausing in your conversation with your spouse and giving your full attention to your tot as you work at settling them down…picking them up, talking a bit…and THEN: “Papa and I need to finish talking now. Do you want me to keep holding you, or are you ready to get down and find a book to look at while you wait?”

With LESS attention on the “mis” behavior and much more on how you’d like them to move through upsetting times, you will discover real growth to occur (after you repeat a million times…!)

THIS is guiding at its best. Which means, in the long run,

a “disciplined” child–someone who CAN manage themselves, who knows what to do and how to be, who will more likely listen and respond and cooperate or collaborate.

It takes time. It takes PAUSE. It takes deep breathing, encouraging self talk, the ability to let go and step alongside and be fully present. It is hard.

And yet, it is even harder when we don’t do this–for all the yuck ramps up and as your child gets older it gets WAY more difficult. So today, when you find yourself talking across the room to your toddler trying to get them to STOP, COME, do it differently,

PAUSE, first. Consider what words to use to help your child know clearly what it is you WANT–instead of what you don’t want. Then go to them and show them.

It will pay dividends. Huge ones. And it will, most definitely, make your job easier. Really!

If you’ve enjoyed this article, here is another about toddlers: Toddlers! Totally Terrific…

And another about all-things-NO! can be found here.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author of “Parenting Inspired” and “PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection”
PCI Certified Parent Coach® and ScreamFree Certified Leader
©2017 Alice Hanscam

So much learning!

June 7, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Social Emotional Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and enjoyed…

The 11-month-old who has been shown since early on how to use “one finger touches” when touching flowers, fragile instruments, and other special things–his ability to do just this, use one finger, is a delight to see. And it can bring incredible ease to so many of their daily adventures with so much learning happening through-out.

The respectful approach by his mama and papa

to talk to him and show him just what he CAN do is paying off with a little guy easy to go through the day with. A joy!

The college-aged young woman who delighted in the connection she felt with a young man as she talked with him en-route to class. Someone she sees and talks to often…and now, as she so genuinely shared with her mom, she could “feel” and “see” the twinkling of eyes between the two of them . I’m appreciating her willingness and desire to share with her mother–to share the joy over the moment!

The barefoot 15-month-old pushing the child-sized grocery cart through the store, one little step at a time, concentrating ever so hard. I especially enjoyed how he’d pause, choose something from the shelf that his mama pointed out, and plunked it into his cart–grinning from ear to ear as his mama gently encouraged him along.

The willingness of mama to take the time to let her little guy do what is important work for a one-year-old I totally appreciated…and it certainly put a smile on my face!

The 15-month-old foster child (new to his foster family’s home) who went from chasing and grabbing the kitty’s tail and hitting her to using gentle pats–all within a few days of LOTS of patient role-modeling.

The calm, consistent, and

connected approach of the entire family paid off.

The cat? Instead of running to hide, he now purrs and rubs up next to the little guy–the trust that most of the time gentle hands will be used is obvious.

The 3 elementary-aged children trailing alongside their mother in the grocery store...all 3 engaged with the process, mom giving them things to collect and choose, conversation over what fruit to buy and how to choose the freshest vegetables. What a gift to these children! Mom’s full presence, the work shared, food buying learned about, choices and ideas respected. All in a short afternoon of grocery shopping.

So much learning…

So many eye-twinkling and delightful moments

seen as I move through my days. So many relationship building moments witnessed…

Take time today to look around and actively appreciate…notice…and look to what brings a smile to your face and a bit of joy to your day! What we focus on grows…

Here’s another “Noticed and Appreciated” for you: The Simple Pleasures

Make it great today!

Alice

I. Not. DONE!

June 6, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

“I. Not. Done. Talking. Daddy!”

“Oh? You aren’t finished talking to the museum clerk. How much time do you need?”

Pause…considering…

“Two. Minutes!”

And on the three-year-old boy went describing at length his visit to the restroom with the rhythm that captivated all who listened from nearby:

“I. Flushed. Toilet. WHOOSH (hands fluttering to demonstrate). Then. I. Dry. Hands (rub rub rub went his hands to show). SHHHHHHZZZZZ The. Dryer. Said. All. By. My. Self.” Eyes a-glow.

Serious and intent on communicating exactly his experience to the focused and present museum gift shop clerk. Eyes twinkling on the other adults captivated by the exchange. Daddy standing near, respectfully giving his son the time and space to take charge of himself. As the conversation seemed to wrap up:

“Two minutes are done, now, son. It is time to leave.”

“I. NOT. DONE. I. Need. FOUR. Minutes!”

I so loved the respect given to the boy’s very serious exchange with this woman. Bathroom experiences are serious business for this age and the fact that no one laughed, everyone involved was engaged and as intent as the boy spoke volumes to this child. You could see his little self swell with confidence, his focus on communicating never wavering, his full body engagement as he demonstrated all the steps along the way.

And did he get FOUR minutes? No.

His father gently extracted him with good-byes being said by all–this little boy could count on his dad to keep his promise of two minutes. Truly a lovely exchange in the middle of a museum gift shop amidst a rush of tourists. I appreciated the clerk’s ability to PAUSE in her busy day to authentically listen to what was very important for this boy, the dad’s ability to patiently wait and respectfully let his son do it his way, the gentle boundaries given and followed through on.

What a little moment in the midst of many that means more than any of us can really know. It is these little moments that add up to meaningful experiences, real and meaningful growth, really cool things. It took only minutes out of the dad’s day to pause and give space to his son. It spoke volumes to his son. Add these little moments up and the impact–well, it is huge.

Just think of the step closer dad just took for having a son who can manage himself well. Just think of the promise kept of 2-minutes and even with disappointment expressed, was gently followed through on. Just think of the respect that was role-modeled…and now more likely to be returned by Mister 3. Just think of how he may now listen that much more carefully when necessary because HE was listened to. Just think. So MUCH and in just a few moments.

Honor the little moments today. Know that as you PAUSE, slow down a bit, and take a moment to really look at your child, to really watch what they do and listen to what they say, you are depositing into the growth of a fantastic human being. These moments add up. See how many you can do today…and notice what is different as a result–for you, for your child.

I think you will like how it feels. I KNOW your child will.

Here’s to beginning your day with a PAUSE.

Alice

Toddlers! Totally Terrific…

May 10, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

Toddlers! Totally TERRIFIC. And truly capable and competent.

Oh what an astounding age. If we are slow on the uptake of increasing their opportunities to show how in charge and capable they can be, they will remind us. Over and over and over again until we get it right…or totally lose it…

The key? Including them in the process as much as possible.

Give them the opportunity and choice to:

~ Work on putting their clothes on, whether it’s the young toddler laying their sock over their foot, moving it off, laying it over, moving it off: “I see you are working at putting on your socks!” or the older toddler choosing which shirt to put on and which arm they want to put in first: “You chose the flower shirt! I wonder if you can put your right arm in a-l-l the way.” And then giving them the space and time to try, even briefly if time is of essence.

~ Help up at the counter mixing, pouring, tasting. Toddlers can crack eggs, scoop flour, pour liquids, knead, cut soft things with butter knives. The more you can include them the less likely theyʼll be hanging on your legs crying or whining. If you are doing something they cannot, offer them their own bowl and ingredients to work with—and find it within you to be okay with the mess.

~ Be in charge of their bodies—how they want to move, who or whether they want to hug, when they feel done with wrestling with you. Hear their version of “Stop!” and respect it. And the times you need to do something? “You really donʼt like it when I rinse the shampoo out of your hair. Letʼs do it quickly and then zip you out of the tub to dry off with your great big teddy bear towel. Are you ready?”

~ Do household chores with you—provide a child sized broom, let them push the vacuum, accept their help loading the washer or sorting the socks, give them a sponge and bucket for soaking up messes. Milk spilled? Great fun using a sponge and squishing it out over the sink. Dishes to do? Strip them down, put them on a chair, and give them soapy water and the non-breakables to wash and rinse and wash and rinse and wash and rinse.

~ Find out that you will keep your promise with a twinkle in your eye. Whether it is to stop them from hitting or biting and show them just what they CAN do or that you really will respect the choice they make that you’ve given them–that when you say, “When I am all done washing the dishes we can get the play-dough out” you WILL.

CHOICE!

It really is the key ingredient. All through their day. Choose between changing their diaper before you read two more books or after; between buckling themselves up in their car seat or having help from you; going outside NOW or after snack; wearing socks or staying barefoot; walking or running; singing or clapping; putting ALL the balls back in the basket or just the blue ones. Choices are essential and respecting their choice key. Even when THEIR choice was never part of the deal…”You really want the cookie. It looks yummy, doesn’t it? Let’s put it on a plate and tuck it up on the counter ready for you after you drink your milk or eat your apple…” (the original choice). And you follow through. Calmly. With appreciation for the BIG feelings that may erupt…

The more you can offer up simple choices and follow through, the more likely when choice just can’t be a part of things they will be far more cooperative…maybe. At least YOU will feel better about “having to do it” no matter how they feel, because of all the opportunity you DO give them!

Include your toddler in the process of life—whether dressing, eating, cooking, cleaning, loading in the car, doing errands, understanding feelings.

It is essential for building healthy, strong relationships and self-directed, capable, confident adults.

Toddlers are terrific! If you enjoyed this, you may like: No no NO! I Said NO.

With joy and appreciation,

Alice

Author of “Parenting Inspired” and “PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection”
PCI Certified Parent Coach® and ScreamFree Certified Leader
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Elementary Kids!

May 8, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

Elementary kids! Busy, busy, busy. You AND them!

Their world opens up and their capable, competent selves settle into a wonderful rhythm.

Your elementary child is ready to:

~ Conquer all forms of game playing! Board games, playground games, made up games. Expect hotly contested ideas, notice how lots of energy is put into the forming of a game or team…and at times never actually played! Your child is taking hold of and getting better at problem solving, creativity, negotiations, understanding and building friendships. Our job? To be sure and give them the time and space and freedom to get immersed in all forms of games (child-led especially in the earlier years…formal team opportunities later…)

~ Manage their schoolwork. This capability builds through elementary years–and is fostered by having an environment conducive to homework and parents able to balance helping and stepping back. Kids want to take ownership of their work and show how capable they can be! Mistakes and all. Our job? To provide the space and time and SNACKS to do the work, be available when help is asked for, encourage and ask questions…and create the healthy balance that at times homework interrupts and displaces…

~ Make mistakes and struggle. No need to fix or rescue! Just be there to walk through the tough experience with them respectfully and with your confidence in them—and watch their capable, competent selves expand in amazing ways. Do so in these years and you help them build the ‘muscle’ necessary for success with harder struggles later. And your muscle at stepping back and walking alongside grows stronger—just in time for the teen years

~ Explore a wide variety of interests at their own pace. A truly industrious period—able to take an idea, formulate a plan of action, and follow through, whether building forts, collecting favorite items, doing a school project, a play they create with a friend. Crafts and games are favorites and exemplify just what they are growing their competence in—independent, creative thought and action.

~ Build real and lasting friendships. Learning what makes a good friend includes hurt feelings, disappointment, feeling left out…as well as joy, energy, amazing ideas. Sad parts grow compassion and empathy; joyful parts help a child identify what it is they really like in a friendship. Our job? Allow all experiences, for they help grow an individual ready to be a truly great friend to others. And keep our problem solving selves on the side line so feelings really can be respected, felt, figured out

Enjoy them, for in the blink of an eye they will be teens and then adults and off on their own adventures…hopefully still wanting to join YOU in a game or adventure!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Teens! Tumultuous and Terrific

May 7, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

Teens—a tumultuous and terrific time!

On the verge of adulthood and incredibly capable and competent…often much to our concern and counter to our well-earned wisdom

Teens need opportunities to:

~ Fly on their own often and take risks. Our job? To manage our own anxiety as they head out on their own with their new drivers license; to bite our tongue as they try something you KNOW won’t work out; to calm ourselves as they flippantly decide the major, end of semester project is a cinch and can be done right before class and then head out to hang with the guys instead.

~ Take increased responsibilities in many areas. Let them experience the result of leaving that end of semester project to the last minute; give them the keys to the car and errands they can run for you; support adventures that may push your window of comfort but seem to spark them—use them as opportunities to help them think through it all and take charge of themselves responsibly.

~ Discover their passions and pursue them. Put aside your own desires and wishes and regrets from your life to give them the space to find out what sparks them the most. Use these passions as opportunities to give increased responsibilities, to let them fly on their own, to give them more acceptable-to-you risks. Be curious and enjoy the surprises as you watch what excites your teen.

~ Build increasingly intimate relationships. Friendships expand to include more intimate couple relationships. Our respect for our teenʼs age and stage can help us give them the framework in which to explore their deepening relationships. Be it car dating no earlier than 16, lots of inclusion of the boyfriend with family activities, or honest talk about the responsibilities of sex, our clear expectations and calm confidence in our teen allows them to have the positive, growing experiences essential for this age.

~ Have meaningful participation with family and community. Our job? To respect the different ways participation can look—from your teen wanting to open up and share just as you head to bed, to doing activities or chores alongside us, to maintaining family time each night. Show them, by your actions, just what meaningful participation can be, from taking time to visit the elderly neighbor, to volunteering in the community, to playing Monopoly with the family.

Teens! Quite the roller coaster. Ups, downs, and times you actually can catch your breath for a moment.

They are on the verge of separating fully from us—and they need lots of opportunities to practice this in order to enter adulthood with the tools they need for success. Discover what helps you stay calm and connected throughout these years so you can be the positive resource your teen needs.

Step back and give your teen the space to develop a healthy sense of self. They are amazing!

With JOY and appreciation,

It’s HARD to PAUSE

May 2, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

It’s hard, you know. To PAUSE.

To respond calmly rather than explode or grit our teeth extra hard with a scowl on our face as we, yet again, try to “straighten out” our kids’ behavior.

It’s hard. Sometimes downright impossible.

Yet consider this–what we want is for our children to control themselves—isn’t that why we try ever so hard to get them to STOP, to choose differently, to say the right things, feel the right way…to finally LISTEN to us and all of our wisdom? “Please, just control yourself for heaven’s sake!” And yet, we say and want this while we often demonstrate just the opposite…

If we want them to (ultimately) control themselves then we have to control OUR selves.

It really can be rather unsettling to realize your 18-month-old can leave you feeling entirely OUT of control. It makes way more sense when it is your 16-year-old who does. Either way, this button pushing behavior is way more about us then them.

It is a continual opportunity to focus first on OUR selves so we can pull ourselves together (even a semblance of “together” can make a real and positive difference). To breathe. To encourage ourselves. To get a bit of physical space for just a moment. To pause and dig deep for a bit of calm.

Because then–THEN we can step back in with a bit clearer of an intention, a bit more self-control, a bit more CALM. And yes, “acting-as-if” is totally okay, for what we focus on grows

And when we can do this (even just some of the time) we are now in a position to positively influence our children.

NOW they can feel a bit safer and more secure because their number one person in life (yes, even for a teen who acts as if you are absolutely NOT number one any more…) can keep it together NO MATTER what they decide to do.

Now they can count on you. What an amazing feeling that is for any one who is struggling–that they can count on another no matter what.

Trust. Respect. Connection. All of this occurs–even if the behavior is STILL testy, reactive, button pushing. Just think, for a child who is working hard to manage something difficult, to have their special adult stay calm, connected, gently firm, there and present–wow. What a feeling.

What a way to help a child work through what they are struggling with.

And it really does all begin with us taking control of ourselves, our feelings, our behavior. Something, by the way, we CAN control…unlike our often futile attempts at controlling our child

PAUSE today.

Take the moment you need and find some semblance of calm inside you–even if all it is is to say to yourself “I’m looking for calm!” as you continue to seethe. Now go respond to your child and all that is stirring things up. Notice what is different. Because something will be. Whether it is a less intense situation, a child who actually surprises you with a better choice or quicker resolution, or that YOU emerge from all this reactivity still feeling pretty okay. Steadier. Less churned up. Notice and then appreciate the iota of difference it made. In time, it all adds up. And it makes a real difference.

A relationship building, positive influence difference. Keep at it.

What we focus on grows.

Need help? Check out each of my books.

Here’s to you today!
Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Save Your “NO!”

April 18, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

When we save our NOs for times of absolute necessity, our children are much more likely to listen and behave.

My mom showed me that. Save your NO. So now what? If you follow me, then you know what I’m going to say next...What we focus on grows

Here’s the deal–if we are so busy saying NO every time our child is choosing to do something we’d really rather them not do…if we are caught up in the “don’t don’t don’t”s , if we try to rely on our “no no no!” on a regular basis, then what happens is our children stop listening to us…

…and when a safety issue arises and NO is an absolute, this can become truly problematic. Not to mention the lack of respect, listening, positive growth that is missed as our “NOs” take over.

So back to what do you do? You save your NO and instead PAUSE. Consider just what it is you DO want and speak to this. Let your child know what the YES is.

Ideas for you:

Instead of “NO you can’t have your candy before lunch!”, try “Yum, your candy is good, isn’t it? After lunch you can pick a piece to eat if you like.”

Instead of “NO, don’t throw your toy cars! Quit it!”, try “Toy cars are for driving along the floor as fast as they can! These balls are perfect for throwing…”

Instead of “NO, absolutely not, you can’t spend the night at Molly’s house!” try, “You and Molly had ideas for a slumber party. When you are 8-years-old you can do sleep-overs. I wonder if having a play-date all day long might be an idea?”

Instead of “No no no! Enough with the video games! Go outside NOW!” try, “Man, you are having fun! Your 30 minutes is up playing video games. Can you find a stopping point, please? Then we can get ready to head outside for our hike…”

Instead of NO, look to what the YES is and share that.

The cool thing? The more it is a YES, or a “here is what you CAN do”, the more a child feels heard…able to grow their competent and capable self a bit more…be focused on behavior that is preferred…have their attention on possibilities rather than limitations.

And when your child STILL refuses to go in the direction you are attempting to gently guide them towards…when they persist with exactly what you don’t want? The YES in all that is your calm, consistent follow through:

“You are having a hard time driving your cars fast on the floor. You really want to throw them. I’m worried they will hurt something or someone. Up they go to the counter. After a while you can try again.” And you calmly follow through…working hard at being okay with the big feelings sure to express themselves. Allowing those feelings!

“You are really, really disappointed that you can’t have a slumber party with Molly. I know you are upset with me. I understand. I’d be mad at my mom, too, if I couldn’t have the kind of fun I wanted.” And you sit in it and let those upset feelings pour out until your daughter is ready to be receptive to other ideas…or not . Time always helps…

And all of this? It, over time and with your ability to be intentional with just what you say and then do, grows a child who can manage themselves well, feel respected and then BE respectful, listen, cooperate, discuss, figure out just what they like and don’t like and what to do about that.

They can feel capable, competent, in charge of themselves.

And when NO is an absolute, it is now way more likely to be heard and respected.

How cool is that? My Momism from G’mom. If you like this, you may like my No No NO! article…:-)

Thank you, mom, for the very real difference you made in mine and many others’ lives. I continue to learn from and grow because of you…

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Tantrums! Loud, giant, frustrating…

April 16, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

TANTRUMS. Or any and all big, giant, huge, loud, ear-splitting, eye rolling, often embarrassing and frustrating FEELINGS.

And how ever-so-difficult this can be–to manage our OWN response.

Simple, in that it is something you CAN control rather than trying to control your child…or any other human being….

Difficult–so very, very difficult–because it asks us to take an honest look at ourselves, get a “handle” on OUR often very big and overwhelming feelings, let go of feeling embarrassed, angry, sad, over-the-top frustrated…

So two thoughts for you:

1) Be gentle with your SELF.

When you find yourself responding in a less-than-wonderful way to your child’s work at learning to manage themselves, show yourself compassion. This is hard work and you will always have another opportunity to try again .

By showing yourself compassion--forgiving yourself—you are role modeling an essential piece of living well for your child. Doing so often leads to authentic apologies. Doing so leads to self-care. Doing so leads to being honest. “I blew it. I need a break. I apologize…” What a way to show your child a mature way to deal with mistakes and big feelings. Now you’ve taken what started out as relationship-depleting and made it relationship-building.

2) Greet each round of “mis” behavior as another chance to strengthen your PAUSE muscle.

To find what it takes for you to take that split second, minute, hour, (day??)…to stop and focus on yourself, first. To find some semblance of calm. To think about what your child NEEDS and what can help your child the most, right now, to learn a little bit more about managing themselves. Then, hanging on to that thread of calm you’ve managed to find, go re-connect with your child. Discover that you may just respond rather than react. Notice how it lessens the intensity of the situation–maybe just a bit, but hey, that counts. Pay attention to how, with your calm(er) self leading the way, connection happens. And with connection compassion, cooperation, collaboration, healthier communication is more likely to emerge. In time.

So remember this:

The sign of great parenting is not your child’s behavior.

It is how YOU choose to behave.

It is okay if your child loses it–even in public. It is okay if your child needs to cling onto your leg and scream as you try to leave them at school. It is okay if your child has to yell, stomp, slam, roll eyes, sob, etc. This happens. For many reasons.

And as you are increasingly able to PAUSE, you will become clearer about just what your child needs, you are more likely to connect with your child in such a way that their need is answered, and now you are in a position to positively influence them as they work at learning more about themselves, how to manage their feelings, how to express themselves more productively…how to grow in healthy, relationship-building ways.

Really.

Be gentle with yourself. Exercise your pause muscle. And always, always, re-connect.

Thank you to Synergy Parenting Resources for letting me share their poster.

Make it great today!

DON’T run, DON’T climb, DON’T whine…

April 15, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

DON’T run; DON’T climb on the table; DON’T touch; DON’T hit; don’t whine; don’t be late; don’t talk to me that way; don’t be so mean; don’t don’t don’t...and they keep on doing.

Frustrated? Exhausted? Worried??

Wondering when they’ll ever LEARN?

Here’s the deal–whatever we focus on we get more of, so choose with care what you say to your child. Make it what they CAN do and you will discover this is what you will get more of.

Ideas for you:

~ “When we are in the store, we use our walking (or tip-toeing or skipping or…) feet. I’m thinking I’m going to march along…how about you?” And then join in alongside...

~ “Okay! Time to be right alongside me so we can be safe as we cross the parking lot…would you like to hang on to my purse handle, my hand, or do you think you can walk right next to me all by yourself?”

~ “When you use your regular voice, I can listen to you; if you need to whine, the whining room is downstairs–when you are done, you are welcome to talk with me!” Or perhaps “I can tell you need something. When you can use your regular voice, I’ll be able to understand how to help you.”

~ “I know it hurt your feelings when your friend said those things to you. I bet it hurt hers, too, when you used unkind words right back. What do you think a friend could do to help in a situation like this?”

~ “Tables are for sitting at. I can tell you feel like climbing! You can climb on the couch if you’d like, or choose to sit on the chair at the table and I’ll get you your crayons…a snack…”

~ “The fragile glass is for our eyes only. Can you see the different colors in it? Let’s use one finger to touch carefully–just like that!” Or maybe, “…the glasses on the shelf belong on the shelf–would you like to choose one of your sippy cups and get a drink?”

~ “We use gentle hands on our kitty–pat-pat she likes that! Do you hear her purring? She’s telling you how good that feels…”

~ “Please be ready to go in 10 minutes–if you need some help getting your things together, let me know!” Or…”Be on time so we can stop at the store for the things you need!” And always–“…thank you for being ready to go.” (whether on time or not!).

~”Hitting me is never okay, it hurts–can you use your words to tell me what you are mad at?” Perhaps followed by “Here’s what you CAN hit in our house–the pillows, the couch, the balloon, the floor–which do you want to hit as hard as you can?” And then join in alongside...

~ “The things under the sink are for mommy and daddy only. You can have the things in this cupboard, if you’d like. Let’s peek inside and see what’s in there…!”

~ “The oven door stays closed when it is hot. You can turn on the oven light, if you’d like, and we can peek through the window together. Oooh! I wonder what we are going to see??”

~ “You know, I can hear you, but your tone is making it difficult for me to really listen. When you can use a respectful tone of voice, I’m ready to listen to you.” And then be ready to accept their attempt at saying things more respectfully…even when it still sounds on the snarky side of things...

What we focus on grows.

Spend more time letting your child know what he can do, what it is you do want. Now they can truly learn in a positive and productive direction with less conflict over time. So often we get into a battle trying to ‘make our child behave’ and this battle? If we paused, considered what we really wanted, then responded to our child based on that–there would be far fewer battles. Instead you’d have an opportunity to help your child learn a little bit more about themselves, about what they can and cannot do, about what is expected and what is their responsibility. Truly a win/win for all.

So choose today to focus on what your child CAN do in a situation. Even if it is to just sit next to you or hold tight to your hand as you navigate a less than child-friendly experience…no need to fill it with your anxiety via “don’ts!”

Fill it instead with your certainty that your child can do what is expected–over time, with your calm, connected guidance leading the way.

Here’s to letting your calm connection lead the way.

With JOY and appreciation,

Use the Power of PAUSE

April 13, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

PAUSE…

When the heat rises, the discomfort climbs, the anxiety and frustration and just plain MAD begin to take over…

.

PAUSE. Breathe, step away, count to ten, close your eyes, go get a drink of water, swipe the kitchen counter with a rag…do whatever it takes to calm yourself (even just a tiny bit!), first. No matter how brief a moment you have–PAUSE.

Think about what you really want in this situation–think about what CAN be learned, what you want the most, what you want in the long run. And remind yourself that you are your child’s calm and confident guide they can count on–always.

Then take another deep breath. No matter how brief a moment you have to PAUSE, your encouraging self-talk can step up in amazing and quick ways–really! And if all you can do is say “PAUSE!” to yourself, it counts .

NOW step back in. Let your calm confidence in being their guide and the calm connection you intend to create with your child lead the way.

Respond instead of react. It’s less WHAT we say and so much more HOW we say it. So…

Worry less about what you want to say and do and put your attention fully on HOW you intend to do it--calmly, with connection at the forefront, confident that you are their parent and nothing will ever change this.

Clear that this is less about the immediate conflict or challenge and more about building relationships in affirming and productive ways and children who can grow themselves towards those responsible, respectful, in charge of themselves future adults. A step at a time.

Keep the trusting, respectful, kind relationship you intend to nurture at the forefront–for this will be powerful for helping you respond to the current challenge or conflict in such a way that it becomes relationship building. Even if you are still saying NO or STOP or having a child melt down at your feet it can become a real deposit into the healthy relationship you want because YOU are staying calm, connected, and confident no matter what your child does.

What a powerful way to communicate confidence in and

respect for your child.

And in the long run it is what counts–in the moment it can be incredibly difficult and draining, yet you will notice, in time, how things begin to shift in positive ways…really!

Practice today. Slowly. One step at a time. Even just pausing for a second and that is all you can accomplish–it will make a difference, for you will be focusing first on yourself and what you want more of–what we focus on grows.

Let some encouraging self-talk step up. Tell yourself that you ARE the calm, confident, connected parent your child needs. That’s all. A mantra to focus on. Try it. Write it down; post it on the mirror, the microwave, in your car. And notice what is different over the next few days…

Here’s to you! And thank you to screamfree and Hal Runkel for bringing PAUSE into my life.

Need a bit of help and encouragement as you strengthen PAUSE? Take a look at my books. They will help .

All due to the lack of hands on, sensory and language rich,

relationship based, whole body experiences. The way young children LEARN and grow. Optimally.

Ideas for you as you work at juggling the HARD of life:

All of this? It requires a few things from you.

Now using a screen is a treat, limited, useful, and no longer displacing all the hands-on, sensory and language rich, relationship based, whole body experiences our children need in order to grow well.

A story to share–and oh, how I love stories!

No real learning, just an unresolved conflict and upset folks.

Here’s what she realized:

Now the interaction can become an opportunity

for real learning. For relationship building. For respect and teamwork and understanding to step up.

When we are responsible for our kids we are trying to get them to think, feel, and behave a certain way usually so WE can feel better.

We are responsible TO our children.

It leads to truly being intentional with how we decide to be, to feel, to act.

We work so hard at getting our children to behave!

Change. It is difficult to create and maintain.

What if we focused less on “making our kids behave” and more on how WE want to behave, instead?

What if, instead of a chart for your child, you made a chart for yourself? One that included:

Easy to miss, important–often ESSENTIAL–to catch.

Moments such as…

What does this require from you?

In the long run it is truly relationship-building.

It is HOW we then respond that determines what our child learns.

When we see testing, conflict, problems, misbehavior as an opportunity to walk alongside our children…

Now how might your response look?

This is what discipline is all about–guidance.

Put your attention to the solution, to growth, to eventual respect, kindness, compassion, self-control, inner direction.

Down time. Space. Unscheduled time. Screen-free time.

Play time (again, us, too).

Here’s what this kind of PAUSE can do; this kind of Unscheduled Time. Especially for our children.

So HOW do you help a child learn to PAUSE? Both kinds of pausing?

Let Unscheduled Time become Regular Time in your home.

What did his calm approach help his daughter learn?

Her calm and patient presence ‘spoke’ volumes:

In this brief span of time, so much was nurtured–positive

sibling relationships, confidence, self-regulation, trust, focused attention, imagination, the love of books…

HOW do you parent respectfully with

an over-the-top, EXUBERANT, volcanic-ly

erupting preschooler??

And it is with connection that is paramount. Connection that says:

Calm connection. Respectful parenting.

What does this require from you?

Noticed, appreciated, and enjoyed:

Lovely moments. Relationship building moments.

Moments that say, “I care, I know you can do it, I have confidence in you, your feelings are okay, you’re safe, you can count on me, you are a competent and capable person.”

React, Correct, Direct…

This is how our children feel as we go through the day reacting, correcting and directing.

Or maybe the React, Correct, Direct, looks more like this:

DIS-connection. It really makes everything harder.

So try this. Think instead: PAUSE, Reflect, Partner, (Re)-Connect.

NO.

It is never too late to deposit into your

relationships in relationship building ways. It is never too

late to create positive change.

Calm, consistent, CONNECTED follow-through.

What does this require from us?

What a way to help a child learn a bit more about

themselves, to grow their capable and competent selves, to feel safe even when they feel MAD. What a way to grow respectful, healthy, strong relationships.

The little moments in this story that I truly appreciated…

What could have been different?

How can this make a difference?

“Let’s let it rest for a bit.”

“Say you’re sorry!” “Go apologize and MEAN it.” “You don’t sound like you’re sorry to me!” “She won’t want to be your friend anymore if you don’t apologize right now…”

Encouraging the growth of this from within–a genuine desire to (re)connect and show compassion, being in our integrity–is essential for healthy relationships.

So what CAN you do to grow the genuine, integrity based, heartfelt ability to apologize?

And now you are helping your child learn a bit more about what healthy, caring relationships look like.

Let’s replay this story with Mama taking a pause (or two or three) and letting calm connection rule:

With her Mama creating pauses for herself, and leading the way with calm connection, Miss Four was able to better manage HER self all through the afternoon.

It was beautiful to watch. The “dance” I saw between a mama and a 2.5-year old.

“NO.”

He trusted her; she trusted him. What a beautiful dance.

Negotiating–constantly, tirelessly, endlessly. Ever so exhausting.

Tears because they felt like failures as parents.

I believe it all comes down to PAUSE.

With a strengthened pause muscle, calm connection starts leading the way.

Consider the kind of manners you’d like to grow;

the trust and respect you want to demonstrate and see in your child; the kindness and giving that is important to you.

PAUSING.

Being clear on what kind of adult we hope to grow.

Knowing just what values and qualities are most important to us. Growing our ability to be patient and calm no matter how our kids are behaving. Being consistent with our follow-through–ridiculously consistent as often as possible.

Calm.

When we are responsible for our kids we are
trying to get them to think, feel, and behave a certain way usually so WE can feel better.

It leads to truly being intentional with how we
decide to be, to feel, to act.

**This is what discipline is all about–guidance.**

**So HOW do you help a child learn to PAUSE? Both kinds of pausing?**