Discipline

Tag: Discipline

Chore Charts, Behavior Charts, Sticker Charts, Oh My!

March 30, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Noticed and Appreciated, Self-care Comment

Chore charts. Behavior charts. Daily charts. Charts with stickers, charts with toys or adventures to earn, charts to show the order of the day. Charts, charts, and more charts.

We work so hard at getting our children to behave!

We attempt all kinds of systems to change their behavior in positive ways–charts being pretty common and tried by many of us, I’m certain. And they can work…for awhile.

Funny, though, how either we begin to fade away from following through with them (“Geez! I’ve forgotten to let my child put stickers on all he’s done!”) or our children–after the initial days of total excitement over stickers, check marks, rewards to look forward to–begin to ignore it…resort back to ignoring you and your requests…leave the dog unfed, resist brushing their teeth, no longer care about the cool toy that is promised. That well thought out chart? It just doesn’t cut it anymore.

Change. It is difficult to create and maintain.

Just think about that diet you put yourself on to lose a few pounds or how you decided to truly stay on top of a house project or how you swore you were going to start cooking from scratch more and more often. Just think about how these vows to create the change you know could be beneficial for you sort of went out the window fairly quickly…and the old ways stuck.

Change in our children requires us to focus on ourselves first and foremost. Consider where real and lasting change has occurred with your children, in your life, work related, school related, relationship related. No matter, just change that felt truly successful. Consider what it took–perhaps determination, clarity on just what you intended with this change, commitment to it and consistency as you stuck with it, a friend encouraging you along the way, moments of success that had you willingly digging in deeper to stick it out…

Now consider this:

What if we focused less on “making our kids behave” and more on how WE want to behave, instead?

What if we focused on creating the foundation for potential change in our children? On being the positive, calming influence with our kids that can have them stepping up on their own, motivating themselves to make more productive choices? Not doing it because of the cool sparkly star they get to add to their chart, not because they get to go to Bouncy Bears as a prize, not because they now have you smiling at them instead of frowning…but really motivating their own selves because it feels good and right TO THEM from the inside out?

What if, instead of a chart for your child, you made a chart for yourself? One that included:

~ I noticed and affirmed my child today as I saw them use gentle hands, clean up, take their dish to the counter, pet the dog, buckle up in the car, use their words, play quietly, sleep soundly, tackle their homework, shut the door carefully…

~ I intentionally looked to where my child made productive choices and I let her know I noticed–“When you clean up your blocks like that, I appreciate it and it means we can get out the board game and play!” “Letting your friend know that you couldn’t play today was hard, but I can see getting your homework done is important to you.”

~ I chose to stay calm and connected to my child today, despite how she behaved…it was hard and I did it! Patience ruled!

~ I paid attention to where my child took charge of himself–by flushing the toilet, choosing her socks, deciding on which cereal he wants, remembering to pack her homework, digging out their favorite shirt from the laundry all by themselves, zipping his coat, toddling over with a sloshing cup of milk in hand to give it to me, saying NO to coming indoors to play or NO to being asked to share (yes, that is a child taking charge of themselves!)…:-)

~ I paused today and followed through calmly and consistently with just what I had promised my child (whether it was a consequence or something fun). Keeping promises is important to me!

~ I intentionally gave my child an opportunity to do things “all by herself”, to grow as an independent, capable, competent soul. Perhaps I paused and waited as I watched my little one work hard at climbing onto the chair (and discovered how, even with bumps and crashes, she DID it. All by herself!); I gave the car keys and a grocery list to the newly licensed teen in my house (that was a bit nerve-wracking…); I stepped back while my child quite gleefully dug into the dog food bag and very generously filled the dog’s bowl…no wonder our dog is overweight…

~ I deposited into my self-care account today and it felt GREAT.

Now what might be different? Just think…

…intentionally focusing on what you want more of; intentionally focusing on growing your ability to parent well. Affirming yourself all day long.

What might be different about your day? How might you feel no matter what your child chooses to do? How, with your focus on yourself, could this positively influence your child?

Try it. Write up a chart for yourself. Get a bunch of pretty stars to stick on or delicious chocolate to reward yourself as you pay attention to what you want to do differently. Real and lasting change can be yours–and it begins with you. So go put your attention on just what you want more of and pat yourself on the back often for doing just this. You deserve to feel and be affirmed. The work you do to create positive change in your family is tough, essential, and totally rewarding.

I give you STARS today! Some dark chocolate, too 🙂

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Discipline. To Suffer or Solve?

March 3, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

“Discipline is helping a child solve a problem. Punishment is making a child suffer for having a problem.” L. R. Knost.

This is a tough one for many parents. I often hear, “But he has to know it isn’t okay to throw his blocks!” “Talking back to me is unacceptable and she has to know it.” “He has to learn not to hit others!” YES to all of these!

It is HOW we then respond that determines what our child learns.

If we respond with time outs, go to your room, withdrawing every privilege under the sun in a reactive, ‘I am really mad’ way, then in what ways are they learning to solve the problem? To know within themselves what they can and cannot do? To make a better choice based on themselves instead of us–the mark of an inner directed and self-regulated person?

When we get reactive and punish, we are perhaps getting compliance in the moment, but we are also communicating that they need to behave in order for us to calm down and feel better (Whew! They behaved! I can feel like a good parent, now! Or at least RELIEVED…). And now the learning is more about how we feel, rather than learning what it feels like to them to have the blocks put away, no longer have mom’s attention until a respectful voice is used, that using words and gentle touches reaps much bigger rewards.

When we see testing, conflict, problems, misbehavior as an opportunity to walk alongside our children…

…and show them what is expected, practice with them what is a better choice, offer them our respect for what they choose to do by calmly and consistently following through with the results of their choice, NOW real learning can occur.

Brains are calmer and can process thought. The choice made is about them rather than us. The respect for the process of growth is in place. Compliance in the moment often undermines being able to manage themselves in the long run. Certainly not want we really want!

Now how might your response look?

“Blocks are for building. When you throw them, it is time to put them away.” And you follow through. Now your child has an opportunity to discover just what they think and feel about no longer having the blocks available. How THEY think and feel, not us. And we get to calmly sit through their potential upset, eventually moving them gently toward another activity…or trying again with their blocks.

“When you talk to me like that, it is hard for me to listen. When you are ready to use a respectful, kinder voice, let me know. I am interested in what you have to say.” And now you move away, put your attention to something else, and give your child the space and respect to decide for themselves if they want our attention and listening ears. Inner direction–key for successful living.

“Hitting is never okay. It hurts. I can see you are mad about your friend using your special guy. Can you use your words to let her know about your mad?” And now you are there to walk them through just how to negotiate more peacefully, to discover more about their feelings, to practice self-control, to problem solve based on THEM, rather than us. Know that you can expect to repeat this many, many times as your child figures out better ways to interact with others. Practice–it is key!

**This is what discipline is all about–guidance.**

Letting go of compliance in the moment–except for safety issues–requires us to have patience, trust in the growth process, clarity on what we really want (what kind of adult we intend to grow, what kind of relationships we intend to nurture…), and the ability to role model the respect and kindness we all hope to get from our children as they grow.

PAUSE today. Calm yourself. Consider what it is you really want your child to learn—and then step in alongside them and show them.

Put your attention to the solution, to growth, to eventual respect, kindness, compassion, self-control, inner direction.

Patience! As in all good and amazing things, it takes time. What we focus on grows.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Important Moments in the Day of a Preschooler!

January 31, 2022 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

Important moments in the day of a preschooler…

~ Being the Boss of Themselves! Whether it’s preferring peanut butter and mustard sandwiches that they create, or deciding between listening to your words or losing out on something important to them (your attention, perhaps?!), being the boss of themselves is essential. And if we forget who is the boss of whom, they will remind us–exuberantly, loudly, with great emphasis. Encouraging them as their own boss is essential for growing a self-directed adult–and this means we have to let go of them always deciding to choose what we’d prefer, and following through calmly and consistently with whatever the results of their choice is.

~ Imagining and pretending…that they can jump the highest, run the fastest, be the strongest…play at length pretending to be a mommy or doctor or horse. Giving them the space and time to get lost in their imagination is a gift that will keep on giving all through their years. Encourage this today, step out of their play, and protect the uninterrupted time necessary for imagining to be the rich opportunity for growth it is.

~ Volcanic feelings! Oh the out-of-bounds, explosive, BIG feelings that burst forth so unexpectedly at times. Our ability to acknowledge and affirm them, to stay calm in their presence, and role model appropriate expression is key for helping our children learn to manage themselves. “Wow! That really made you mad. Hitting hurts. What words can you use to let her know about your mad?” We give our children the gift of a safe and secure ‘place’ to FEEL as we draw on our ability to flow calmly with their eruptions–and the safer they can feel, the more able they can learn to manage their out-of-bounds nature…and the easier it gets.

~ Creating, making, designing. Immersed in glue, tape, paper, paint, play dough, scissors, etc. Time to think their thoughts, work with their hands, get lost in the process. Admiring their handiwork when called upon-“Yes! I see how many pieces of tape you used!” “I can tell blue was the color you used the most today.” “You worked hard at putting all those pieces together with the glue…” Nothing fancy required, just time, space to make a mess, and recognition for the work they do instead of the product they produce.

~ Household chores and tasks–feeding pets, doing dishes, cooking with you, starting the laundry, sweeping, raking, weeding…simple family time can emerge from doing the mundane tasks we have each day. Preschoolers love being included…they love showing off what they can do all on their own! Take the time to slow down, include them, and know you are more likely growing a future teen wanting and willing to mow the lawn…!

~ Playing with a friend–oh how preschoolers love to be with buddies! Whether it is parallel play with little real interaction, or intense and sometimes loud sharing and negotiations. This is a time of discovery–who they are, where they belong, what is and is not theirs, what they can and cannot do. Playing with a buddy provides so many opportunities to learn about themselves! Our job? Mostly to stay out of it all. Be on the periphery, acknowledge feelings, ask questions, notice how the play ebbs and flows from involved and intense to quiet. It’ll get messy, loud, hurtful, joyous. Let go of judging it, be curious and observant, and stay calm and matter-of-fact when the explosive behavior and feelings erupt…and now you are truly supporting the early stages of true friendship.

Preschoolers. A time of amazing discovery

and growth; a time of expanded independence. Enjoy today watching how they embrace their world with exuberance, joy, curiosity, and wonder.

It’s in the simple moments…

Another preschool article for you: Preschoolers–Hang on for the Ride!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Relationship-building All Around

July 5, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Social Emotional Comment

Noticed, appreciated, and enjoyed…

~ The mom with the 3-year-old caught in the check out line and the little guy’s intense desire to have SOME thing from the racks enticing him. Mom’s ability to calmly say “No”, to pick him up as he began to scream, to gently and firmly hold his arms as he began to hit…and continue on with dealing with her groceries. I so appreciated her ability to stay calm and firm and kind to her son; I completely empathized with her caught in the very public forum and the many unkind looks being given and I completely disagreed with the “She should control her child! He needs some DISCIPLINE!”

Her ability to stay calm, firm, and kind communicated just what her son needed the most…

…that he could count on her to keep it together even when he could not; that she had confidence in his ability to (eventually) manage himself despite his disappointment with her “no.” What a fabulous way to walk alongside her son, guiding him through a challenging moment–truly teaching him self-discipline. What courage and resilience on her part!

~ The 24-year old and her 8-year-old buddy spread out on the floor absorbed by the board game, Settlers of Catan. She teaching him with patience, twinkly eyes, and obvious joy. He listening intently, asking questions, and continually wiggling, jumping, cartwheeling off furniture and back to the game.

I truly appreciated seeing such amazing evidence of a

lovely and close relationship that has been intentionally deposited into for years.

I smiled over the constant motion of the 8-year-old; the twinkly eyes and patience of the 24-year-old; the laughter over funny faces shared and delight in each other that was ever so clear.

I especially enjoyed their good-byes…”Can we play one more time?” “Oh, how I’d like to, as well! Let’s make a plan to SOON.” “YES! I wish we could NOW…” and out the door he semi-bounced, semi-lingered…then back for a quick and wonderful hug.

~ The Mama with her 4-year-old son in a coffee shop. She gave the little boy the opportunity to choose his treat, to hand the money over, and best of all when they sat down–they pulled out a book to pore over! A pop-up dragon book that had the boy totally engrossed in, with occasional pokes to Mama, “Look! Did you see? Can you read this part to me?” And watching him open and close and open each pop-up page, studying it, touching it, totally absorbed by it. And Mama gave him all the time he needed to feel finished.

What a way to grow a self-directed, focused, curious boy; what a rich deposit into their relationship.

Today notice and appreciate–and enjoy!–interactions between parents and their children. Let it put a smile on your face–and better yet, go say something to those you notice–including (and maybe most importantly) the resilience or patience or calm despite the outburst. It will put a smile on their face as well.

What a way to grow just what we want more of–joyful and appreciative and caring relationships

If you enjoy reading “Noticed and Appreciated” articles, here’s another for you: The Simple Pleasures

With JOY,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Lessons Learned from a Preschooler

June 2, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting 2 Comments

Lessons learned (and eventually laughed over and currently driven nuts by) from a preschooler…

~ Feelings ERUPT from me like a volcano when I’m mad, sad, frustrated. I do everything in a big, often LOUD, definitely exuberant, often exasperating and exhausting (to you, at least) way…even when I feel especially shy and need your body or shirt to bury myself in so the world will stop looking at me. PLEASE don’t ask me to “smile at the camera” or “give Grannie a kiss” or “just CALM down!” Because it’s hard for me when the volcano in me takes over…

~ I am the Boss of ME! And when I’m the BOSS I get to choose…and you need to stay calm and consistent with just what I can expect from the choice I make…even and most especially when I choose OTHERWISE…

~ If you ask to help me I’ll say NO and if you don’t ask to help me I’ll say “Mooommmmmeeeeeee! I N-E-E-E-E-D you!” And really, I do need your help by you just keeping me company…maybe from a distance, though. Cuz I think I CAN get these tights on my legs, this puzzle figured out, this jungle gym conquered. Maybe. But I might need your help.

~ Pretending is a good thing...why NOT be a nurse, fire-fighter, kitty cat, monster, musician, mommy, baby, doctor, mail man, the best-est or strongest or prettiest dancer with a fluffy tutu or a spaceman with a helmet (but don’t forget the sword, for all spacemen really need a sword…or maybe a magic wand)…

~ I’m stronger, better, bigger, faster, louder than YOU and so is my daddy and my mommy AND my pet snake! So THERE.

~ Silly silly silly is the name of MY game! Make up songs and words and funny faces along with me. You know when I say THOSE words that you say aren’t okay? Change ’em up and you’ll have me giggling away….fudgicles, boom-BAH, silly-billy-willy. Sing me through something hard while acting it out and all things get easier: “Blowy blowy blowy goes the wind….the trees are swaying, the leaves are FLUTTERING….the clouds are P-O-O-F-I-N-G away!!!!” You’ll have me blowing and fluttering and POOFING away!! And giggling 🙂 Life gets better with SILLY.

~ Honesty is saying exactly what I see or repeating what I hear. Loudly. In public. Like at the store. Or the museum. Or restaurant. Such as “Mama, does that fat lady have a baby in HER tummy?” or “I have to POOP!” or like those times you smacked your knee on the table and said THAT word…oh that’s so FUNNY! (See the silly silly silly above!).

~ Who says I have to share? You aren’t MY friend (at least today and probably because you don’t like fish crackers like I do. Or because I think your favorite shirt is silly since it doesn’t have pockets…or…). Besides, I just don’t want to share. And if you make me? I might just turn into a volcano all over again…mostly because I just don’t understand why I have to stop MY turn just so SHE can have a turn. This is all so confusing…

~ I’ll give you LOTS of practice at being embarrassed! And mad, too. Especially out in public. I think you NEED practice, because I know JUST how to push your button and it is rather entertaining watching you get all hot and bothered…but really, it’s scary to me, too, because aren’t YOU the grown up?

~ What? You are only giving me a choice for the blue cup and the red cup?? That’s for BABIES. I need more choices than THAT. How about asking me to go find the cup I want AND pour my own milk? I AM 4, now. I can do those things. Not like when I was a BABY. (note to you mommies and daddies: up the ante on choices or suffer the consequences…AKA volcanic eruptions. From me. But also probably from YOU).

~ Company is required at the kitchen counter but I’M in charge, not YOU (remember–I am the Boss of ME) and THIS is the recipe we are making and mess is expected and licks are required…then we can have a tea party!!!! But wait, I have to get all my stuffed guys set up…and oh yeah, first I better get ’em all dressed for the party. No, I’m NOT ready to come mix the recipe, I’m BUSY. W-a-i-t!!!! You said I could have a lick! It’s my turn to mix! NOT FAIR.

Ahhh…life with a preschooler. What have you learned today from yours? What has surprised or delighted you? I know my daughter surprised ME when she turned 3.5 and…whew. I thought it was toddler years that were supposed to be hard! If I’d only known .

Alice

Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Which Story Will Be Yours?

May 21, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

A story with a do-over for you (and how we all wish for a do-over at times!):

A favorite very public play place. A 4-year-old and her mother. A break to use the potty and a preschooler who could stand at the sink and wash hands F-O-R-E-V-E-R.

Mama wanted to move back into the play area–for she knew well enough that if her daughter didn’t have enough time she could count on an embarrassing fit to be thrown. She felt the tension rise as she tried convincing her preschooler to finish quickly so that they could have time to play more.

Miss Four would have none of it: “NO! I’m not DONE.”

Bribing her didn’t work and threatening her that she’d have no more time to play fell on deaf ears. Mama, frustration taking over, had enough of her daughter not obeying. She turned off the faucet and pulled Miss Four out of the bathroom. Her daughter screamed and kicked as Mama, frustrated, mortified, (and fuming!) yelled right back with, “You aren’t minding me so we are going home!”

Off she marched with screaming and crying Miss Four struggling in her arms, feeling all eyes upon her. The fighting persisted all the way out to the car. By the time Miss Four was buckled in—an enormous accomplishment with a writhing four-year-old—exhaustion reigned. For both Mama and child.

As they drove home, Mama, with tears streaming down her face, thought—“Why can’t she just behave? If she’d only listen. I feel so EMBARRASSED…”

The ride home was miserable as Miss Four moved from screams to sobs to a fitful sleep. Upon arriving home, things just never got better.Miss Four got woken up too soon as she was pulled out of her car seat, the tantrum continued, Mama–at her wits end–enforced a time-out, and they both felt out of sorts the rest of the afternoon.

Sound even remotely familiar? I am most certain that you have either participated in a similar scene, or found yourself uncomfortable as you watch one unfold with another parent, friend, family member.

Here’s the deal–we DO get embarrassed, tense, even mortified–and it can leave us fuming, trying harder and harder to just make our child behave the way WE want them to. Here’s where the Power of PAUSE and the calm connection that follows can step in and make a positive impact…

Let’s replay this story with Mama taking a pause (or two or three) and letting calm connection rule:

A favorite play place. A 4-year-old and her mother. A break to use the potty and a preschooler who could stand at the sink and wash hands F-O-R-E-V-E-R. Mama cringed at the potential of another round of tantrums from her preschool daughter. She knew her daughter really enjoyed what really became water play, but it usually meant a fit that playtime had to be shortened.

Mama could feel the pressure climb as she tried convincing Miss Four to be done so they can go play some more. Miss Four had none of it—“NO! I’m not DONE.”

Mama sighed. “Here we go again,” she thought!

She PAUSED by taking a deep breath and considered what she knew usually worked well for her daughter to move through these experiences with a bit more grace. She certainly had lots of experiences to reflect on, for they seem to come every 20 minutes or so… :-).

She began with letting her daughter know she could wash for one more minute and then it would be time to be all done. Something Mama knew for sure was how important it was for her daughter to have a sense of control via knowing just what to expect.

The minute passed, Miss Four was given the opportunity to turn off her faucet, yet still resisted :-). Water play really is fun!

Mama, who continued her PAUSE by staying quiet and focusing on relaxing during that extra minute (letting go of the WET that seemed to get everywhere!), calmly followed through what she had promised and reached over to turn off the faucet.

LOUD screams and tears burst forth from Miss Four.

Mama then took a few more deep breaths, reminded herself that these were tough experiences for preschoolers, and that she wanted her little one to discover she COULD handle the disappointment of being all done with something fun; that being disappointed and mad was okay and that Mama was someone she could count on to keep it together no matter how her daughter felt.

Mama’s pausing via breaths and encouraging self talk helped her act calm despite the fit from her daughter. She, acting as if she had the calm confidence she knew could make a difference, gathered up her puddle-of-a-four-year-old as best she could saying, “I know you wanted to wash for longer. It’s disappointing when you have to be done with something fun” and took her out into the hall that led back to the play place. “Here’s a good place to get your mad out. I will be right here and when you’ve calmed down and feel ready, we can go play some more.”

Miss Four continued with her MAD—yelling at her mom, lying on the floor kicking and crying.

A play place attendant appeared—“Is everything okay?” “Yes,” said Mama, “My daughter is feeling mad and disappointed that she had to be all done with washing up. When she is done getting her mad out, we’ll head back to play.”

And Mama waited–a PAUSE once again! Respectfully so.

Miss Four eventually wound down and Mama stepped close saying, “I can see you are feeling calmer. Are you ready to go play a bit more?”

“YES!” her daughter exclaimed. And off they went, with Miss Four zipping ahead saying, “Watch me, mommy!” Fours have an amazing power to flip from incredibly frustrating to wonderfully delightful :-).

When it was time to head home, Mama fully expected a total meltdown once again, and was pleasantly surprised (and relieved!) to find that instead her daughter expressed her sadness with her words and stomping feet, “I don’t WANT to go. I LIKE it here…can we come back soon???” instead of kicking and screaming. They commiserated together as they stomped out to the car, buckling in with little effort. They returned home, shared a snack, and had an unremarkable afternoon together.

With her Mama creating pauses for herself, and leading the way with calm connection, Miss Four was able to better manage HER self all through the afternoon.

Whew! What a difference! Know this can be your experience, as well. With practice, a PAUSE, and the resulting calm confidence that can follow, you can expect (over time) a child who manages challenging moments with far more grace–for they will feel more in charge, capable, and confident.

And the best part? Parenting can get a bit easier. Let my book, “Parenting Inspired,” help YOU create the positive change you want the most. Know that this story (from PAUSE) and more await you as you read my book(s)…

Make it great today!
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Things Are Different These Days

March 9, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Spirituality Comment

I spoke with a (Grand)-dad recently who reflected on how he was brought up by a fair and firm mother. One who listened, considered, and said “no” when necessary. A mother who had clear boundaries for her son and held to them calmly and with a gentle firmness. He shared how he knew where he stood with her; how he could count on what she said, she’d do. He also spoke of, with a bit of a smile, not liking the “no’s” even as he felt heard and understood by his mother, and how his mother was okay with his feelings. And here he now was– a curious, kind and respectful adult, embracing what life throws at him with a sense of humor and humbleness, taking care to take responsibility for himself.

He spoke to his unsettled feelings over how children are raised nowadays–and he shared that his wife told him it’s because things are different now from when he was young.

This gave me pause. Things ARE different than when he was a boy. We have many, many families that are made up vastly differently then his traditional two-parent, stay-at-home mom experience was. We are immersed in technology and screens. We have a culture that encourages and even demands a fast paced and full life-style. We have children growing up in an environment full of digital devices and all the concerns and advantages this brings. We have so many parenting labels to try on these days. I could go on with all that is different; I’m sure you, can, as well.

Yet something very important hasn’t changed. How our children develop physically, emotionally, and mentally.

Our children’s development continues to unfold in the ways it always has. What has changed is the “Out There” and how we respond to all those outer influences when it comes to parenting, to building our relationships. The demands of our faster paced, technology driven lifestyle demands our attention. And the more we focus on that, the more it seems things change with children. And often in less desirable ways. We are more likely to live from a reactive rather than responsive place.

Parenting from a “firm and fair” place continues to be the authoritative parenting style that supports our children and our relationships in the best possible way, allowing our children to develop healthily. It requires our focus to start within ourselves. To put aside the demands of our “out there” culture/life/world and PAUSE. Think. Slow down enough to really listen to ourselves, from the inside out. The ever-increasing pull to attend to all those “out there” things robs us of our ability to live from our inner selves. And this is the core of parenting well. This is the foundation for building healthy relationships with our children (and others!), for supporting our child’s optimal development and well-being. For helping our children develop their inner selves. Essential for a healthy life.

I believe it requires us to slow down. If not from the outside, then within. Yes, you can do both–still be caught up in a fast-paced life and slow down from within. The key? Strengthen your PAUSE. Really! Start with the heated moments and discover ways to calm a bit before responding to your child. Pause, breathe, walk away, close your eyes and focus first on YOURSELF. Your feelings; your upset. Settle to the best of your ability. This one step will make a tremendous difference over time.

And what a gift to our children, as we strengthen our ability to take care of our upset and connect calmly with them. What a gift to our children as we show them the power of PAUSE and how to develop that in themselves. To learn to think and reflect a bit, to be given plenty of time to DO so (Our Children Need to PAUSE, too!). Our ability to be fair and firm, as this Grand-dad talked of, comes from our ability to take our time with our children, and guide them from the inside-out.

Our world needs this more than ever. We need to nurture our ability to BE. Our children need unscheduled time, bored time, lots and lots of nature time. And so do we. Pausing gives us the start in this kind of healing we and our society needs. Things are different, now. And our children need what they’ve always needed. Fair, gently firm guidance coming from a calm and connected adult. This has not changed.

The need for it has.

Let’s refocus. Let’s respond to what our children require from us in order to grow well. Then let this be our guide for what “out there” actually needs our time and attention. In time, with practice, our essential BE-ing will rise up and be a real and positive influence for our children, families, communities, world.

How cool is that? Here’s to this Grand-dad who I left musing on the sidewalk as he, too, considered that, in the essential ways, things haven’t changed at all. We just need to refocus.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

PAUSE defined

February 2, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

PAUSE: Noun. Defined as a space—mental, emotional, or physical– from which you then respond with clear intention.

PAUSE: Action Verb. The action you take to create a space in which you can calm, center, and then intentionally choose what feelings, thoughts, words, and response you will give.

PAUSE is never passive. It is always active.

PAUSE as a passive response is equivalent to checking out often because we are too anxious to deal with a situation. And now we don’t step back in and respond. What is communicated? That we can’t handle our child’s upset, behavior, feelings.

This ROCKS a child’s world.

It is a scary place to be when a child looks to a parent for help, stability, calm, guidance and instead sees a parent who is acting just as immaturely as the child…and then what? The child acts up even more. Or withdraws…deeply. Or maybe complies…often out of fear or resentment. Probably not what any of us intend.

What feels like an “easy way out” by using PAUSE to check out becomes, over time, a very unhealthy and truly difficult way of relating. And parenting becomes harder.

PAUSE as the space it can be and intentional action it needs to be does just the opposite. It allows you to ultimately step back in and respond—productively, purposefully, with the clarity necessary for truly guiding your child toward just what you want more of.

It becomes relationship building.

And yes, a PAUSE can be self-care. Absolutely. This is different from “checking out” because, again, it is done intentionally, with the understanding that it will be followed by stepping back in and responding. Go take care of yourself! It is essential.

**Find PAUSE and all of Alice’s books here!**

So today, PAUSE–actively and with intention. Trust what follows, even if you have absolutely no idea what to do next. Let your ability to calm yourself and trust your ability to connect do the work for you.

Let my book(s) help you.

And let me know what works for you. I care.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Choice, but my choice, please!

January 18, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

No, no! If you do that, mommy is going to be so sad…”

“If you don’t make the right choice, you are going to lose your iPad…privilege…treat…play-time…books…”

“You have a choice to make, young man! You can either do it the way we said, or you’ll be in trouble.”

Sound familiar? I was talking with a parent recently who mentioned how she gives choices and always tells her child to make the “right choice” so he won’t get in trouble and she won’t get mad. I paused, and then delved a bit deeper and heard more of her stories and talked with her a bit about just what this kind of choice often communicates…

When we find ourselves (and we all do this at times!) giving choices contingent on how we will feel or with what can be heard as a “threat” or really not a choice at all when we say “do it the right way!” then what we are really communicating to our children is their only choice is to either comply or rebel.

There is little room for independent thought and action, for someone to choose based on what THEY feel they want, should do, would like–for they are far too focused on OUR demands.

There is little room for them to feel capable and competent as they can (and need to) when they have the opportunity to choose, discover and experience the result of their choice, and learn a bit more about managing themselves.

Being asked to make the “right choice” so we won’t get mad and they won’t get in trouble communicates that they are responsible for how we feel (pretty tough place for a child, to feel like they are in charge of our feelings); it communicates “I’m the boss and I know what you need/should do/want better than YOU do…” (which can grow children who always look to others to tell them what they need/should do/want…); and it can communicate disrespect. Probably not what anyone ever intends. And yes, we often DO know what they “should” do for we are many years older and have many experiences tucked under our belt and we really don’t want our kids to make the mistakes we did. If they’d only listen . And we often work very hard to get them to listen, to do it our way, the right way, the way that makes things easier for them–and us.

So really, this kind of choice that leaves our kids either complying (whew!) or rebelling (yikes) is more about OUR anxiety as parents–about our lack of confidence, our need to feel “in control”, about looking like a “good parent”, about maybe just really wanting to get out the door in one piece and with all that everyone needs for the day .

Which, of course, happens (just wanting to get out the door in one piece)–and when we can slowly tip the balance towards healthier ways to give and respond to choices, it matters very little if there is a now and again day of “making kids comply” to make the moment easier for us.

What can we do to influence our kids in such a way that they decide on their own to make more productive choices? To focus on themselves and how they feel, what they like/don’t like, what is their responsibility….? To really grow from the inside out?

PAUSE.

Focus first on YOUR self and take care of your feelings–whether it is anger, sadness, frustration, feeling overwhelmed. “Take care” can be a moment to breathe, a chance for a self-care deposit, a quiet affirmation to yourself of how you feel.

Be clear on the expectations for your child–and give them a choice without asking them to choose what YOU want them to choose.

Respect their choice by following through with the results of their choice from a place of calm connection–what an incredible way to communicate respect for and belief in who they are becoming. What a way for them to focus on their experience, how it feels, and learn a bit more about what they can do.

What does “respect their choice” look like? I believe:

“You chose to still throw your toy cars. Up they go now onto the fridge, parked safely until tomorrow…” And you calmly gather them up and place them up high–allowing the mad your child will feel and express, showing compassion via, “I know. It really makes you mad that you can’t play with your cars anymore today.” Empathize. Help them take the PAUSE they need to calm themselves down. Offer up your company or something else they can do or throw. Know that how they feel about the result of their choice to throw and how you decide to respond to them is key in helping them learn a bit more about managing themselves.

“I feel sad that you were so frustrated with your work that you ripped it up. Is there anything I can do to help?” And then you sit in their sad or mad for awhile or ask what they’d like to do to help themselves or you gently show them ways to take care of their frustration. If they show concern over your sad, you get to let them know that it is okay for you to be sad…just as it is okay for them to be frustrated. Maybe hugs will follow…Or maybe a need to rip up lots more paper is in order…or maybe they just need to stew a bit until they are ready to try again.

“You know our house rule of no dirty dishes left in your room–and you know that it costs you the privilege of using the iPad for the afternoon.” And you follow through by removing the iPad, calmly and matter-of-factly, allowing the feelings that may be expressed, empathizing and letting calm connection lead as much as possible. Now the attention is less on you (though it may not seem that way as they rage…) and more on the choice they made and how it feels to lose a privilege they enjoy so much–more likely influencing in such a way they will choose a more productive direction the next time around (like bring their dishes into the kitchen–or maybe all the way to the dishwasher!).

Now what can be learned?

That they are responsible for the choice they make and the results that follow.

Not you, but them–and they learn a bit more about how they feel about the results, rather than being focused on how we feel. They learn they can count on us to keep it together no matter how they feel or behave. What a way to grow trust! They learn they can count on us to walk alongside them as they experience the results of their choices, rather than stand over them saying, “I told you so! If you’d only listened…” And as our children have more and more opportunities to experience the results of their choices alongside a calm, consistent, connected adult, the more they learn about themselves, from the inside out.

What a way to grow a future adult who can more likely take responsibility for themselves, be self-directed and in charge of their feelings, know more about themselves from the inside out. What a way to (slowly) make your job as a parent a bit easier–and for you to grow yourself from the inside-out, able to manage your feelings and grow your more confident self. Now how could this parenting deal feel with you feeling calmer and more confident, letting calm connection rule?

PAUSE today.

Give your child the

gift of choice and your calm, consistent follow-through. Give them–and you–the gift that growing and learning

always can be.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Show Your Toddler How

January 6, 2021 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

A story for you!

A young toddler, Mama, and adult friend. A puzzle that has 9 small blocks. Toddler, upon hearing that YES it is time to head outside to play, picks up the frame holding the blocks and happily DUMPS them all over the floor and then proceeds to head to the stairs to go on outdoors…a favorite place to be!

HERE is where something important can happen. Here is where we can decide to:

1) Feel frustrated with the added mess and react with, “NO. We aren’t going outside. Pick up those blocks right now!”

2) Ignore it because you really don’t want a battle, so you step over the blocks and join your little one marching down the stairs. OR lean down and scoop up the blocks yourself and put them away.

3) Guide this little guy through just what we really want the most–someone who knows how to take responsibility for something they’ve done. (We’ll get back to this in a moment).

The first option?

We want them to learn to clean up messes, right? We want them to know dumping then walking away from it just isn’t okay. We get a bit hot. Irritated. Maybe just frustrated that there is yet another mess to deal with. Our toddler in this option is most likely going to resist like crazy. Keep walking down the stairs and ignore us. Plop on the floor and say, “NOOOOOOO.” Pick up a block or two and throw them just to see how mad you really can get. Not much learned here other than mom gets mad and we have a battle and toddler ends up a wreck. Mom, too. Forget going outside to play.

The second option?

Well, we typically do this because of our own anxiety of having to deal with option number one’s response. So we just take care of it. Or not. Lesson learned? Toddler doesn’t have to take responsibility for his actions. Toddler doesn’t learn a bit more about how to clean up, where things go, that everyone in the home participates to keep things going smoothly. And really, those 9 blocks? Way easier to take the moment to help toddler take responsibility for this choice, than, say, eventually being faced with a teen who assumes little to no responsibility at all…

The third option.

This is key and it requires a PAUSE to consider just what you want learned. And what this Mama and friend wanted was a little guy who participated willingly in taking care of messes before moving on to the next play choice. A little guy (and future teen!) who took responsibility for his choices.

Here is what unfolded with Mama, toddler, and adult friend (me, by the way ):

Me: “Oh! All NINE blocks are on the floor. Hmmmm. I’m going to pick up 1-2-3 of them.”

Mama: “And I’M going to pick up 1-2-3 of them, too!”

Toddler–looking at both of us enjoying ourselves as we very intentionally picked up 1-2-3 blocks each and counted out loud–says, “Nano (his nickname for himself) pick up…one…TWO…THREEEEEE!”

Then one at a time we each plunked our three back into the frame they belonged in…counting once again. Then Toddler picked up the frame and placed it carefully on the shelf from which it came.

Me: “Thank you for picking up the blocks and putting them back on the shelf. You know just where they belong!”

Mama: “NOW let’s go outside!”

And off the three of us went.

What was learned?

How to clean up a mess. How to count . What “three” means. How to put the puzzle back together. That this can all be fun and done together. That your effort to clean up is appreciated and encouraged. That toddler can count on help, on us following through with going outside. What “taking responsibility” means…

So much learned! Peacefully. Positively. Respectfully. No battle. Just cooperation and teamwork and FUN. THIS is what is different when we can PAUSE. Take a moment to think about what we really want and step in with calm connection leading the way. Now our little one will more likely be influenced in such a way to clean up on their own. To put one thing away before the next is brought out–or at least some of the time (it is a process!).

And really, even when we are in a hurry we can often take this moment to slow ourselves down because those battles that unfold when we rush? They tend to cost us w-a-y more time then moving slower and more respectfully.

Mama and I both knew that option #3 was best. We also both know that sometimes you DO choose option #2 of stepping past the mess or just taking care of it ourselves, because we are both very tuned in to just when to encourage the clean up and when it needs to wait–toddlers are like that. Being tuned in to when they are most receptive to just what you want to encourage is important for positively influencing them in the long run.

So today, PAUSE. Then let your calm, clear, connected-to-your-child self step forward and interact in such a way your child can truly learn a bit more about healthy choices and living and ways of being. Then appreciate your effort. It can take a lot of work and patience and resilience initially. Give yourself grace for the times you find yourself falling into option #1. Deposit regularly into YOUR self-care-savings account. Notice and appreciate when your little one does things you’d like to see more of. What we focus on grows.

This growth and learning deal takes time. Theirs and ours! These little moments fill our days and give us lots of opportunity to practice, learn, and grow. Give it the respect of time and your calm connection and watch things emerge that are simply wonderful. Really!

With JOY,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Stress, Conflict, and Relationships…

November 28, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional 2 Comments

“How we handle stress and conflict is

where relationships are born”

( screamfree and Hal Runkel )

I truly appreciate Hal’s work and all that I’ve learned and grown from as a result. Relationships are our foundation in life. Building healthy ones is essential. How we handle stress and conflict determines so much about the health of our relationships.

This is where how we decide to behave or respond in a heated situation either becomes relationship-building or relationship-depleting. And we get plenty of opportunity to practice, for conflicts and challenges with children come…well..sometimes every few minutes…:-)

Relationships are easy when things are all rosy. The real test is when it goes south…and here is where we have a choice.

So often we want to avoid the conflict or fix it immediately. Those unhappy, mad, testing, frustrated moments are uncomfortable–fixing them, making them go away gives us relief. But what does that require? Taking control of how our child is behaving–making them stop, ignoring them completely, cajoling, bribing, demanding, threatening. We become reactive, things spiral up, everyone ends up feeling yucky no matter how it turns out.

What does this communicate to our child? “You cannot count on me to keep it together when you are upset.” “You need me to decide for you how to feel and behave.” “I don’t have confidence in your ability to manage your self.” That the stronger and more powerful one wins…probably not the message you really want to give. Definitely relationship depleting.

Our choice as things go south? PAUSE….

...and calm ourselves, first and foremost. Being able to calm ourselves (or act-as-if!) and then join in alongside our child through any conflict or discomfort speaks volumes. Respond rather than react. Listen. Collaborate. Still say “NO” as necessary AND from a calm and connected place. Now you are saying, “You can count on me to keep it together even when you cannot,” “I have confidence in you,” “We will be okay,” “How you feel is up to you and I accept your feelings,” “I’ll be here with you as you work through your upset.” What empowering messages for our child.

I so love this story by Janet Lansbury – Elevating Child Care-–How To Be The Gentle Leader Your Child Needs.

It illustrates just what can happen as we calmly, kindly, and with gentle firmness guide our children through a conflict. With little ones you’ll discover quickly how safe they’ll feel, how connected you are, how good it can be following a conflict. And you’ll know, from deep down, that things are right between you. The conflict? It mellows. Especially due to your calm connection. And your child learns. They can trust you. They feel safe. Your relationship just got stronger.

With older kids, it can take longer. Standing calm, firm, and connected as your teen slams their bedroom door yet again can be incredibly difficult. The desire to go barging in and yell at them to listen, to cut it out, to ‘know better’ is tempting. And in the moment, you may get begrudging and resentful compliance. And this, ultimately, is relationship-depleting . For if they live with begrudgingly and resentfully ‘minding’ you, why would they ever turn to you for support and guidance when they really need it? And if they are busy hearing our “You need ME in order to tell you how to behave and feel”, this can translate to needing a peer to tell them how to handle drugs, sex, alcohol…yikes.

Staying calm, being available to re-connect, being kind and firm in the ‘no’ brings–over time with a teen (with any child)– respect. Now they can feel heard, maybe even understood. There more likely can be compromises. “No’s” can turn into positive negotiations and opportunities to say “Hmmm. I hear you. Let’s give it a try your way.” In many ways it is just like the toddler and preschooler tantruming–the calmer the space you can create with consistent, kind, clear messages, the more likely your teen can calm themselves and be available to really listen. And now they are more likely to tune into themselves–rather than our reactivity. It just takes longer and requires us to trust and persevere…and be patient. It really is a process.

Take time to look for where you are most consistent with your child, where what could be a challenge really isn’t. Think about how you are behaving in those situations. Notice how you feel–your calm, your clarity over what you want or expect, your ability to stay connected and be consistent with following through. Notice how, over time, a difficult situation can change as you choose to stay calm, connected, and consistent day in and day out. And reflect on how your relationship feels.

Relationships are born and grown in the midst of stress and conflict. Grow yours in the direction you want the most–towards trust, caring, confidence, compassion, respect.

And then go take care of yourself–your relationship with YOU is the foundation for all other relationships. Today trust yourself, care for yourself, be confident in yourself, show compassion and respect for yourself. It’ll speak volumes to those around you.

Need help? Here you go: PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection and/or Alice’s Author Page.

Here’s to PAUSE…and growing amazing relationships.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Just LISTEN to me!

August 22, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

We want, at times quite desperately, our words alone to work–aka: Just LISTEN to me!

You know the drill:

…your preschooler gets extra lively in a public place–perhaps ‘over the top’ lively. Maybe pulling things off shelves in a store, or running pell-mell in and out of other people, or just bursting with LOUD. You find yourself saying, over and over, “Please stop. Put that back. Hold still. Be quiet. COME HERE NOW…” Over and over and over, to no avail.

...your teen is propped up in front of their computer, Facebook, chat, a favorite TV series all on at the same time. Homework and chores are looming over (your!) head. You find yourself nagging, threatening, bribing–“Get your homework done. Remember to clean the bathroom. Get off of Facebook! If you don’t get onto your jobs soon, I’m going to…” Over and over and over, to no avail.

Your child? They see it is a ticket to do it more, louder, bigger, messier, with sass, THAT tone, you name it. And your anxiety, embarrassment, frustration, and anger gets louder, bigger, messier, comes out with sass, THAT tone, you name it. Oh my, who is the adult in all of this? And things typically disintegrate further.

How would it feel to be confident your child can choose

appropriate behavior as necessary? That you can count on them to manage themselves well? That they can hear your words the first time and they ARE effective?

I’m betting it would feel absolutely wonderful if you felt confidence in both yourself and your child, in how you communicate, cooperate, collaborate. I’m betting you’d feel steadier and stronger from the inside out, and your child, too. I’m betting things would feel a bit more peaceful and positive. At least some of the time :-).

What might this take?

PAUSE. Always, always PAUSE. It really does come first and is

the foundation for all of this.

Then consider just what you really want the most. If you intend to grow a child who can, on their own, decide to listen, choose appropriate behaviors, be responsible for the choices they make, then it begins with you calming yourself down and recognizing your words alone are not enough–it is essential to say what you mean AND mean what you do. To take action.

Here’s the trick with little guys. Let PAUSE calm you down, then shove your anxiety and embarrassment out of the way, focus on your intent to help your child learn to manage themselves so maybe words alone COULD work eventually, step close to your child and perhaps:

...put your arms around them or your hand on their shoulder; kneel down to their level; maybe pick them up, rubber arms and all.

...steer them gently towards whatever the solution is–if it’s returning items to where they belong, know that you may end up doing most of the work as you gently keep them alongside you–and that’s okay.

...be willing to let them get mad; always affirm their feelings and wishes: “It makes you mad when I stop you from running pell-mell around the store. You’d like me to put you down. It’s not safe and I will hold you.” “You were having fun pulling all the cloth bags off the rack! You really don’t like it when I stop you. The bags belong on the rack…”

...be willing to let go of it all and leave the situation with your child–especially if they’ve reached the tantrum level. Now nothing you say will be heard or processed–calm connection is essential for them to regain self-control and be able to listen to you. It’s okay to head back to the car and leave the full grocery cart behind. It is equally okay to return to the store once calm has been restored–what a way to role model responsibility!

…know what can motivate them positively–-“When you calm down and we finish returning things to the shelves, I can tell you a funny story about…I can listen to your ideas…We can take daddy his lunch…” You are the expert on your child, and you know just what can help move them through a tough situation. Respect their feelings, take your time moving through the challenge, and then use what you know will have you heading the direction you want. My girls LOVED tiptoeing out to see if the ravens were splashing in all the puddles…eventually. After we worked through the MAD or SAD that was holding us up…:-)

And now you’ve communicated that your child

can count on you to keep it together no matter how they behave. That they can count on you to keep your promises and follow through with exactly what your words were saying.

What a powerful message–one that leaves a child feeling safe, able to trust you, secure in your calm connection. This is where children now can learn to manage themselves. Words alone only work when the foundation has been set via action defined by calm connection. A PAUSE allows you to be intentional with your word choice so you CAN follow through and keep your promise. Take care in your words–choose just what you really mean and will do.

Your older child or teen? Let your PAUSE give you time to reflect on just what kind of adult you want to send off into the world, find ways to calm your anxiety over their choices, be clear on what you expect. Self-care, remember? Key for being able to calm our anxiety!

Then let go. Let go of trying to control every little thing and instead consider just what it is you want your child to learn, how you want them to grow, and how best to do so. I remember well the push and pull over homework with my daughter and her finally saying, “Mom, if you keep nagging me about my homework, it’s just going to make me not do it!” And that is exactly what happens when we are caught up in reactivity–we tend to get more of just what we don’t want. I learned–and so did she. I paused, considered what I really wanted, and later went back to her with, “You are right. Homework is your responsibility and you don’t need me to remind you to do it. Here’s what I’m hoping–I ‘d like to know what your plans are to accomplish your work. That will help me be better at letting go of reminding (AKA nagging) you!”

This led to us making more of a team effort that resulted in my backing off and her stepping up. I had to let go of how she did her work (certainly not the way I’D do it!) and appreciate the fact she DID it–and my backing off gave her the message that I believed she was a capable student, able to take full responsibility for her choices (key for successful adulthood).

My words alone were not enough, the action that followed (staying quiet!) spoke volumes.

And here’s the cool thing. Our words alone CAN work--when you’ve set the foundation of trust necessary for your child to believe you. Trust built from your action. Say what you mean and mean what you do. Calmly. With connection.

Pay attention to what DOES work, right now, to use only your words–reflect on what it took to make this successful. I know my toddlers could hear, “Eyes only or one finger touches!” and be successful. It worked, because I had plenty of earlier practice with them, showing them just what I meant, following through with removing them (or the fragile item tempting them!) when they chose otherwise or offering more opportunity when they could just use eyes or one finger touches. What we focus on grows.

Consider where words alone work and consider what has led up to this success. Most likely these successes were preceded by your calm connection, respectful words, and gentle yet firm action.Reflecting on these times can empower you to move through the next “I wish my words alone would work…if they’d only listen to me…why do I have to say it over and over and over again…”…with the calm connection, clarity, and confidence your children need from you.

It takes resilience. Pausing often. Patience. A bit of creativity. Understanding of your child’s age, stage, and need. So be sure to take care of YOU along the way. Here’s something to help you along-–A Recipe for Parenting Success!

It really can make parenting easier…and definitely more joyful!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

To Rescue or not to Rescue…

July 6, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

What would YOU do if…

...your newly mobile baby was seemingly stuck under the chair she just rolled and maneuvered herself under–fussing a bit and looking at you with pleading and slightly tear-filled eyes–soon to ramp up out of sheer frustration?

…your 8-year-old came home from school in tears–devastated because he wasn’t invited to his friend’s birthday party? Or allowed to play the tag game on the playground? Or was told he couldn’t sit with his buddies at the lunch table? Ouch. Friends. They can be tough at times…

…your preschooler was struggling extra hard at building with Lego to the point of throwing it or a tantrum or BEGGING you to “do it for MEEEEE”…or frustrated up the gazoo that their drawing just didn’t LOOK like the airplane they wanted and could YOU PLEASE draw it for them…? And if you don’t, then you’ll definitely have a full-blown melt-down to deal with?

...your teen was totally upset and a total mess about the totally UNFAIR grade she got on her project that she worked and worked and worked on–the teacher was so UNFAIR! AND it totally affects her final grade….

…your toddler keeps on hitting you when he doesn’t like you stopping him or saying no to him or changing his diaper or buckling him into his car seat…? Or maybe keeps on pulling all the stuff out of the cupboards that you keep telling him NO to or cleaning up and putting away to just have him dump it all again…and again…?

I’d venture to say you would step into the mode of taking charge and fixing whatever problem your child was caught up in…because, hey, that’s what we DO. We solve problems and we are really good at it. And it is our job, right?

Maybe you would…

…quickly move the chair and rescue your baby and, of course, comfort her.

…tell your 8-year-old how unkind THOSE friends are and “Let’s make new ones or that he can choose not to invite those friends to HIS birthday party or that’s okay, you and I will do something special that day or hey, I’ll join you at lunch and help you let your friends know you CAN sit with them…or I’ll talk to your teachers, so don’t worry…all will be good and you can stop feeling so devastated…”

…just draw the picture for your preschooler or sit down and build for them what they want with Lego--or at least direct them each step of the way. Better then having them freak out, right? Maybe they’ll even keep on drawing and building and you’ll get a bit more peace and quiet. Maybe.

…call or email or text your teen’s teacher and let the teacher know how hard your child worked and really, couldn’t that grade be a bit higher? Or ask what you could do for your child to get a better grade…or complain about how there really wasn’t enough time for your teen to do the job as well as she could and that’s unfair…

…try getting equally mad at your toddler or get a bit more hurried as you rush through very unpleasant diaper changes and car-seat buckling. Or maybe you’d punish them by plunking them in their crib and telling them they have to stop or they’ll have to stay put for a while. Or maybe you just end up slapping their hand (never do I recommend) or throwing up YOUR hands…ANYTHING to get them to stop. And keep the stuff in the cupboard. Talk about a power struggle…

You might. Because we like to solve the problems. It’s in our nature. Yet consider this–consider another layer as to why we solve these problems.

It makes US feel better.

Whew, our child is no longer so upset or sad. Relief! WE feel like a good parent when our child gets good grades. WE feel in control and in charge and (again) a good parent when our child behaves, listens, chooses “right” behavior. We are communicating, “I need YOU to behave so I can feel like I’m doing my job well…”

When we step in regularly to solve our child’s

problem we are often robbing them of an opportunity to grow their capable and competent selves a bit more.

What do they hear? “You need ME in order to manage your body, your feelings, to be a good student, well behaved, popular with friends, able to be happy…” “You need ME in order to be in control of your SELF.”

Probably not what any of us really intend. Because really, it just says, “I don’t think you are a capable, competent soul.”

Fast forward to sending them off into the world. If all along we’ve taken responsibility for solving all those little and then big things that seem to be problems, how will they know how to do it for themselves? How can they possibly feel capable and competent on their own if they’ve heard from us on a regular basis that they need US in order to be so?

Let’s tip the balance another way. Let’s recognize that YES there are times solving is essential. And YES, way more often we can…

PAUSE and consider how we can walk

alongside our child to help them take charge of themselves,

to feel competent and capable, to know they can work at solving their own problems and managing all their feelings.

Let’s get down next to our baby and acknowledge the STUCK and encourage them out. Then maybe nudge the chair a bit. Help them help themselves. Name how they are feeling. This is key.

Let’s affirm our 8-year-old’s intensely hurt feelings and sit with them a bit or at length. Let’s ask them what they’d like to do. Let’s brainstorm with them if they need ideas. And then BE there. For that’s what they really need–company that feels safe and secure and comforting. Now they can better manage all the upset. And yes, it takes time.

Let’s acknowledge our preschooler’s frustration with their work. Let’s ask them if they’d like to take a break (and yes, maybe insist on it and help them do so)…or if they can start with finding the Lego that looks like wing material or maybe pull out paper and markers ourselves and start doodling next to them. Partner with them rather than take over…

Let’s listen carefully to our teen. Affirm their feelings. Acknowledge the hard work we saw them do. Ask them what they would like to say to their teacher–if anything. Or what they might want to do next time to change up the result…or they even WANT to do anything other than just unload on us. Be that safe, comfortable place for them to do so.

Let’s breathe in deeply with our toddler and show them what it is they CAN do. Name their feelings. Hit pillows not people. Help with diaper changes. Give them more things to be in charge of. Set up a cupboard just for them. Include them in cleaning up as well as join in on the dumping 🙂 Honor their feelings always. Stay matter-of-fact as we move through what we have to do…

Now you are tipping the balance toward growing capable,

competent, responsible children and future adults.

Ones who can understand and manage their OWN feelings and behavior. Ones that feel empowered to take charge of the hard. Ones that know we are a resource in whatever way they need us…and that we’ll always BE there. Safe. Comfortable. Available.

Problem solving. It’s a strength–especially when it is applied to ourselves and how WE can step through things with our children that helps them gain strength in the very same skill. Solving their own problems.

Today, take care of YOUR feelings. Calm yourself ahead of time. Affirm yourself as the good parent you already are and intend to be. You don’t NEED your child to be amazingly successful, popular, happy all the time in order to feel good and confident in yourself. Know this, from the inside out.

What a gift to your child, yourself, and all your relationships.

And what HARD work.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Gentle Discipline

June 2, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting 2 Comments

Gentle discipline. Sometimes a rather confusing pair of words.

Kind, firm, clear, and affirming–guidance at its best. From this emerges truly respectful parenting and deeply connected relationships. Yet “gentle discipline” can be hard to understand…

It can be mistaken as perhaps ignoring negative behavior in the hopes of it going away, or letting kids “run the show” entirely, or just wondering what it really means when it comes to productively guiding our children. Gentle discipline isn’t about letting our children run amok. It isn’t about trying to keep our children from making mistakes, behaving poorly, testing us. It isn’t about hiding out hoping things will just get better on their own (though we all wish that at times…)

Gentle discipline is about guiding our children calmly, patiently, clearly, respectfully—answering their needs and showing them the way. It is about being direct when you say, “I won’t let you (fill in the blank).” It is about acknowledging their feelings and what they are doing, “It makes you mad…you feel frustrated when…I can see you are sad about…” It is about knowing when to listen with only an occasional, “Mmmhmmm. Tell me more…”

Gentle discipline is about respect, trust in the process growth is, lots and lots of practice, and clarity on our part for just what we want our children to learn–and then show them.

It is about matter-of-factly walking alongside them as they learn that sharp knives are for grown-ups and if they need to cut something, a butter knife is for them. And then giving them the opportunity to use a butter knife. Equally, knowing when they are ready to handle a small paring knife and give them the opportunity to do so.

It is about calmly but firmly stopping the hitting and then letting them know what they CAN hit, that using their words is far more effective, that it is time to take a break to calm down. And then giving them the opportunity to try again…including helping them find the words that may be necessary, “You’d like the next turn. Can you let your brother know?” Along with a bit of company as they have to wait, “What would you like to do while you wait?”

It is about affirming how frustrated they feel as they struggle with something, asking them questions about what they could do, letting them know clearly and decisively “I will stop you…” as needed. And following through with your words, always. All done with calm and gentle leading the way. What a way to build trust. And trust is the foundation for living well.

It is about being curious and looking for all that IS working and appreciating it out loud and often. “I noticed how gently you pet the cat. She purrrrrred with delight!” “Thank you for buckling up. You are ready to go!” “Wow. That took a lot of concentration. I noticed.” What we focus on grows, so putting our attention to what we want more of is essential.

As we do so, “discipline” takes on a whole new meaning.

Now it is about helping our children learn to manage themselves rather than us taking the responsibility for continuing

to manage them.

The more we let go of seeing ‘discipline’ as problems we have to fix, children we have to get to do things a certain way, punishment to bestow, and INSTEAD see it as the growth and learning opportunities it always is, we will discover fewer and fewer times that our children actually act out. Why?

Because they will learn to manage themselves, be able to truly count on us, and will feel understood, respected, and trusted. Our children know we are their encouragers, supporters, and guides. They trust us. They feel SAFE.

Gentle discipline requires us to PAUSE, be as clear and decisive as possible, be present and focused in the moment, and to welcome all behavior as opportunities for growth. And maybe most importantly, to take care of ourselves along the way–including giving ourselves a bit of grace as we step into really tough places and feel like we’ve blown it. You see, it is about OUR growth, as well .

It also asks for us to be curious about our child’s antics rather than judgmental. It asks us to have a sense of humor, a lightness about the antics that will definitely occur, an understanding that all learning takes time. Take time to PAUSE today, and look for the possibilities of growth, what already is working, for something you can appreciate in all the craziness. Doing so really is essential for continuing to parent well, gently, respectfully.

And the really cool thing?

As you do so, parenting can actually get easier

and your relationships stronger.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Parenting is Hard. Confusing. Exhausting. CONSTANT.

April 18, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

You know, it’s easy for me to forget just how insane parenting can be when you have two jobs, school, activities, whining, complaining, yelling, lack of desired compliance, stubborn-ness, talking back, slamming doors, AND maybe single parenting…

Oh, the noise noise NOISE. Audible and visual. Chaos.

I was reminded of this the other night as I spoke with a group of parents coming together to grow their ability to create meaningful connections with their children. To feel stronger in their ability to be sure they are building relationships in healthy and positive ways.

As you can imagine, it was all about PAUSE and how–in a heated button pushing moment and total craziness–to create one, how it can influence positively, how it can change in sometimes teeny tiny ways and other times in tremendous ways, a situation, interaction, relationship.

It was also about how HARD this all is.

I heard about how, when 3 kids are coming at you, your head fills with HEAT and you feel ready to explode. And often do.

I heard the “I just want my child to RESPECT me and LISTEN to me–preferably the first time…because she never does!”

I heard the “NOTHING works in regards to my kid staying in bed and it drives me nuts…I am so tired of totally losing it…”

And I heard how deep each parent’s love goes and is felt as they shared what feels especially good to them. Story time with all the kids piled up on the bed together. Reading on the couch with snuggling girls. Being the lap your child crawls into to share a great big sad. Family Bed Time each morning when they first crawl in-between mom and dad with arms splayed to be sure to touch both of you and just..well…snuggle some more. Quietly. At least…for the first minute or so.

I was reminded how being totally immersed in parenting is HARD. Exhausting. Confusing. Emotional. CONSTANT.

I know this. I definitely understand it. And yes, I can be pretty far removed from it, as well. Sort of like forgetting over time the pain of child birth…? And remembering only the moment of meeting my babies for the first time…

So I apologize. I apologize if my words speak to you of possibilities that seem out of reach. I apologize if my work and words seem too far removed from YOUR reality. And I also stand by my work and words. Because you know what? I really DO remember the insanity of it all. Maybe different insanity, for we each have different experiences and realities, but insanity and chaos all the same.

And I also know, without a doubt, that there are ways to move through this chaos feeling a little less HOT. A little less overwhelmed.

More confident. More centered.

Stronger and steadier from the inside out.

It doesn’t remove the HARD. It just makes it something you can actually feel better about being in. Sometimes truly clear and confident and calm. Sometimes just a bit better and that counts and is worth focusing on. Actually, NECESSARY to focus on.

You know what else I heard?

I heard the AHA’s as the parent who feels HOT with all the noise noise noise realized that these times go so much better when she either sends everyone outdoors OR if she talks to herself and names HER mad and upset in her head. She feels a little more in control of her self. I hope she takes this and runs with it–to notice feeling a little better and let it shift how she then responds to her kids. To use “going outdoors” for herself, if not the kids. What a difference that can make.

I heard the dad who gets driven nuts endlessly by bedtime stuff say, “But it doesn’t happen when mom is gone…” Something IS working. Worth looking at. I hope he does take time to consider what is different about bedtime for him and his son when mom is gone…

I heard the mom who wants her child to just LISTEN to her realize that their last vacation, unlike all the others, actually went really smoothly…that her little girl DID listen, stay close, cooperate, have fun. She even shared how they’d belt out tunes together in the car and how mom found she really didn’t mind the mess in the back seat…I hope she considers how her feeling a bit lighter, more matter-of-fact, and able to let go of certain things spoke volumes to her little girl.

I heard the mom with the sobbing 11-year-old realize that the fact her daughter felt she COULD come and sob just with her was really a gift. One that spoke of her daughter feeling safe and secure with mom. That she trusted her and therefore could let it all hang out. Maybe now, instead of feeling like all the work she did at letting go of the annoying texts and complaints led to failure (“my daughter lost it anyway!”), she recognizes it actually led to her daughter being able to share some of her deepest feelings. Talk about relationship building.

My work? It isn’t about making all the hard, upset, big feelings, chaos disappear.

My work is about helping YOU gain at least a foothold on the steadying place within that allows you to move through the hard, upset, big feelings, and chaos feeling stronger.

Maybe only a bit, maybe in time a lot. But stronger, none the less. It is less about being oh-so-calm and way more about feeling steadier, stronger, clearer, more confident. This can lead to calm…and sometimes begins with calm…but calm can be tough to find in the craziness of life.

I learned a lot that night, because I listened, remembered, appreciated…and I hope the parents left feeling a bit of the meaningful connection with each other, with me that they came to explore and strengthen for themselves. I hope they left realizing how they were already connecting with their children in lovely, relationship building ways and had one more tool for doing more of this. This is always my intent.

To leave others feeling

supported, encouraged, even empowered to create MORE of what they truly want.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Tidbits of Positive Discipline to Help You

January 1, 2020 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Positive, gentle discipline…what is it?

~ Guidance at its best—helping children grow and learn along their own developmental timeline.

~ Guiding calmly with words and actions over and over and over again. Practice! It is essential.

~ Focusing first on the positive influence you’d like to be, rather than trying to make your child behave.

~ Respectful of the processes growth and learning are; respectful of the relationship you are intending to build.

Dynamics of positive discipline…

~ Be clear with your expectations—give your child a clear framework from which to work and learn.

~ Offer choices that puts things in your child’s control as much as possible.

~ Follow through calmly and consistently with their choice.

~ Show and ask rather than direct and demand.

~ “No” is most effective when rarely used. Save your NO!

But what if they still don’t behave?!

~ Let the consequences do the “screaming” for you—let the results of their choices speak for themselves as you provide the understanding and calm presence necessary for your child to truly learn.

~ Allow space for your child to experience the result of his choice–a PAUSE on your part, often!

~ Know that your job is to influence (instead of control) your child in such a way that s/he can decide on their own to choose more productive and positive actions. This can take time…

~ Be ready to guide them through what needs to happen, with your calm, gentle connection leading the way.

What does this require of you?

~ Endless amounts of patience and stamina!

~ Humor, creativity, ability to let go, ability to PAUSE…

~ Self-care! Do something just for you often—even if just for a few minutes.

Phrases to help you along…

~ “It’s time to head in—are you going to march down our path or wade through the deep snow?”

~ “Looks like it is too hard for you to choose, so I will choose for you.”

~ “I’d be happy to listen to you/play with you when you calm down.”

~ “We sit on our bottoms at the table. If it is too hard for you, it means you are all done with your dinner.”

~ “When you use your regular voice, I can help you.”

~ “Hitting hurts and I will stop you. We use gentle hands and our words. What is it you’d like to say?”

What you can look forward to…

~ A child who is more likely to listen, have fewer struggles, be more willing to cooperate and collaborate.

~ Respect for and from your child–-respect grown because of your calm and connected self.

~ A positive, healthier relationship with your child…something we all want.

~ A child set up to grow as a self-directed, responsible person/future adult. How cool is that?

~ A more peaceful home! At least some of the time… :-).

Be the positive, gentle influence your child needs to grow in

healthy and relationship-building ways.

Respectfully,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Positive or Permissive Parenting?

December 6, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

It seems many parents mistake positive and peaceful (I like to call it respectful) parenting with permissive parenting. There is a significant difference.

While permissive parenting comes across as peaceful, we tend to parent this way out of our anxiety over our children being upset, over stirring the pot, over the fear of feeling out of control or having too little knowledge about child development. We tend to give in in order to avoid conflict; we give in because we just really don’t know what else to do; we give in in order to avoid the mad, sad, hurt that we just can’t seem to handle.

What does this create? More and greater conflict and challenge down the road. When a child has no clear boundaries, no firm, kind, and consistent guidance, no acknowledgment of and room for feeling ALL the feelings of being human–when they cannot count on US to keep it together enough to help THEM through the ups and downs of life–they now are more likely to feel unsafe and insecure.

They tend to act out even more, never really learning how to manage themselves well--feelings, bodies, thoughts, you name it. Come teen years this can mean relationships have eroded, behavior escalated, and things can get incredibly challenging. And scary.

What does respectful, positive parenting look like? (I hesitate to use the word “peaceful” for really, doing the hard work of parenting is often ANY thing but peaceful… 🙂 )

Some highlights:

~ Clear, reasonable, and age appropriate expectations. Here is where we are responsible for understanding child development, for willingly and actively seeking out what we need to learn in order to parent well. So many resources around for just this!

~ Calm, consistent, and timely follow through for results of our child’s choice–whether it is choosing between the purple or green sweater to wear or choosing to ignore you, hit, talk back, dump the dirt from your plant onto the freshly vacuumed carpet, yank the cat’s tail, test test test you ’til the days end. Our calm, connected leadership speaks volumes to our child.

~ Kind and respectful interactions–letting a child know what to expect, asking a child if they are ready prior to doing something to/with them (like washing their face, changing their diaper, whisking them out the door to the next round of activities…), giving them a choice over how to use their body, always naming and affirming their feelings, listening with care, letting a PAUSE lead the way first and foremost.

~ Role modeling just what you want to see more of--kindness, compassion, self-control, healthy ways to express feelings, sharing. This includes showing them how YOU take a break to cool down before continuing on with a conversation. This includes respecting their thoughts and feelings, especially if you want (eventually) for them to respect yours.

~ Guiding a child towards appropriate expression of feelings rather than coercing, threatening, nagging, avoiding. This includes stopping hurtful behavior calmly and quickly, acknowledging feelings and desires, including them in the process of what they can do, and showing them if necessary. Over and over and over again. It means letting them finish their cry. Giving them the opportunity to express their mad in productive ways. Understanding that it is their job to feel better, your job to keep them company along the way.

~ Accepting and trusting each child’s timeline for growth. It differs for each child. Respectful parenting means we understand this and support and encourage our child with respect to their abilities. Always.

Positive, respectful parenting provides a clear, respectful structure for a child to feel safe and secure. It provides an emotional and physical environment that supports the child in such a way they can test, act out, explore thoroughly, make mistakes, slowly learn how to express themselves well. It gives a child the opportunity to grow strong and well from the inside out.

What does this require of us? Knowledge of child development, willingness to keep on learning and growing, ability to feel calm, confident, and in charge (PAUSE!), extensive patience, self-care kept a priority. Does it mean we never lose it, yell, wish we could have a do-over? Nope. It means we know how to be gentle with ourselves as we forgive, apologize, care for us when we feel especially bad. Self-care–it truly is baseline for parenting well. And what a way to role model something essential for living well.

Positive, respectful parenting is something we role model, it is a way of life, it fosters just the kind of relationships many of us strive for–healthy, loving, deeply connected, respectful, joyful. It can bring ease into your family’s rhythm, it can create the foundation for making parenting easier and far more rewarding. And it takes practice–and trust in the process raising future adults is.

Positive, respectful parenting supports your child in becoming their best self; it supports you in becoming your best self.

What a gift for all!

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

Parenting Well, No Matter the Label

October 15, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Peaceful parenting. Positive parenting. Respectful parenting. Authoritative parenting…

And on and on and on…

Lots of labels these days. And labels are tough. As I follow other parenting pages I’ve noticed what seems to be the common struggle we all have–to live up to the label.

Think about it. What DOES peaceful parenting look like when you have a back-arching, screaming toddler refusing to let you change their diaper or wash their hair or do just about anything you feel you need to do right now? Or a preschooler with those BIG GIANT feelings erupting as you are trying to get out the door, make a meal, use the bathroom (by yourself), or…?

What DOES positive parenting look like when you are utterly exhausted and your kids have been fighting all day long and the dog needs to go out, the house cleaned, the dinner made, the appointment gotten to on time, and your parenting partner is buried in the newspaper ignoring everything?

What DOES respectful parenting look like with an eye-rolling, sarcastic, talking back teen? AND you are at your wits end?

What DOES authoritative parenting look like when, even with your patient, collaborative, calm self willing to listen and discuss in place, your child throws EVERY thing right back into your face and is totally unwilling to LISTEN?

Labels make it tough on us.

They give us something to strive for–and this I appreciate and support. To know with certainty you want to parent peacefully, positively, respectfully, collaboratively is truly a strength. Now you have something to strive for as you work hard at parenting well.

And really, this is all about parenting well, no matter the label. And here is where it seems labels get in the way.

When we ascribe to just one kind

of parenting, we really aren’t allowing ourselves room to be different, to grow, to consider ways to interact that might just be healthier for your particular situation or child.

We can get caught up in wanting “peaceful” to mean our kids behave nicely all the time, and we just don’t know what to do when they don’t. We can find ourselves working hard at trying to get them to feel more peaceful, be more peaceful, think more peacefully…and yet they just don’t. They act up, push back, have strong and upset feelings.

We can get caught up in feeling WE need to always be “positive” no matter how chaotically crazy it gets. Now that’s tough to do.

We can get caught up in assuming our child should be “showing us respect” because we are working hard at teaching them respect.

We can get caught up in the sheer frustration of a child unwilling and unable to engage in the give and take of authoritative parenting.

And then we really struggle. Here our kids are not responding to the kind of parenting we are trying to live by and we just don’t know what to do. We can feel like we are failing…we can feel like we are ruining our kids…we just plain feel guilty. Not a fun way to be.

Here’s what I encourage, label or no label.

Always, always PAUSE and focus first on yourself. Take your attention off of your child and trying to get them to respond to your style of parenting or to you in a certain situation or to behave a certain way or whatever it is that is pushing your button and getting you upset, concerned, feeling guilty and at your wits end.

Yes, really. Take your attention off your child (and I don’t mean walk away and ignore it all, wishing all would right itself while you hide-out…even though we all do that sometimes…).

Instead, use a PAUSE to reflect on YOUR feelings and actions and your child’s needs–whether that PAUSE to think is immediate and you can actually create a bit of time and space because there is no safety issue, or a PAUSE that happens simultaneous to your actions (yes, it IS possible!). Think as you rush in. Breathe as you wrap your arms around your child. Find a semblance of calm within you. Consider just what your child’s needs are. Consider just what you want the most to happen, to be learned.

And then, with even just a semblance of calm in place and a bit more clarity, allow yourself to respond to your child and TRUST how you do so. Maybe your response won’t fit into your label–maybe instead of what feels peaceful to you needs to be put aside as you firmly stop your child and look ’em in the eye and say NO.

Maybe instead of what feels positive to you you are letting your child know you are MAD. That you feel anything BUT positive right now about the mess in front of you, the fighting that is going on, the million and one things yet to be done all in the next hour.

Maybe instead of what feels respectful–of demanding your teen to BE respectful–you find yourself allowing that eye-roll, talking back, sarcastic tone of voice. And then matter-of-factly letting them know how YOU choose to respond to their choice of disrespect. Allowing can feel like permissive parenting (not a healthy thing…), but, when followed with a calm response to their choice (maybe, “When you speak like that to me it’s hard for me to listen. When you are ready to use a more respectful voice, let me know. I’m interested in what you have to say…”) it is no longer permissive. It is accepting of their choice to eye-roll, etc, AND letting them take responsibility for the result of that eye-roll, etc. What a respectful thing to do–respect their choice AND let them learn from it.

Maybe instead of feeling ready to collaborate, negotiate, discuss you really just need to say NO.

And, no matter the label of your style of parenting,

when you can respond to your child with calm connection leading the way, you can be sure you’ve just stepped in in a

relationship-BUILDING way…

…even if it doesn’t feel particularly peaceful, positive, respectful. Because parenting isn’t always going to be smooth and easy and graceful. It is going to be bumpy, challenging, messy, confusing…you name it. And the one thing you can always strive to do–ALWAYS–is control yourself. No matter what your child chooses to do.

When you can control yourself, first and foremost, you can be assured your interaction is going to come from a more peaceful, positive, collaborative, RESPECTFUL place. Even if your child tells you otherwise. Trust yourself as you first take control of yourself.

I think this is the most essential thing. To trust yourself. So today, start with a PAUSE. Find a semblance of calm. Get a bit clearer about what you really want. Then respond to your child with calm connection leading the way. And let go of what your child decides to do as you calmly, consistently, and with connection in place guide them through whatever the situation or emotion or whatever is engulfing you and them. Ultimately, you will be okay. Trust this.

Maybe that is the label to live by–Calm Connection. Use it. Practice it. Live it. Learn from it. Guilt is lessened with it. Trust is increased by it. And now you can feel much, much stronger as you move through the chaos raising children guarantees. And your relationships will feel strong and healthy from the inside out. No matter the label. Isn’t that what we all really want? Healthy, strong relationships. I know I do.

Here’s to you today as you strive to parent well.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2018 Alice Hanscam

I just want my child to RESPECT me

October 13, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

“I just want my child to RESPECT me!”

Respect–something we all want to see in our children. Respect for others, respect for our requests, respect in how they respond to us…just plain old respect. Life would be good, parenting easier…

The cool thing? This is something that really is all about US (something we can control!). We think it is about our children, about making them do things differently, better, more respectfully. But really, it is about us. And when you really think about this, it is all about choices (ours, as much as theirs).

Respect your child’s choice enough to let them experience the results of their choice–with you choosing to be the calm, clear, connected one no matter what they decide to do.

This is easy when they stay within the choices WE like–you know, the toddler who willingly picks one of the two warm sweaters we offer up to them on the coldest day of the year AND puts it on, the preschooler who shares happily with their buddy with play that extends all morning long, the elementary child who never says a mean word to a friend or talks behind their back, the teen who drives within the speed limit, never risks their well-being because they choose to not drink, smoke, climb treacherous mountains, break curfew…

Whew. Now we feel like good parents–for look at how well behaved our children are! So easy to stay calm, clear, and connected on our part.

But then they do something—they choose otherwise….

…to throw their food on the floor, their toy at you, to refuse all warm clothing items and tantrum on the floor

…to push and hit their buddy because their toy was grabbed from them

…to talk behind their friend’s back in unkind ways

…to drive too fast, climb treacherous mountains, stay out way too late until our anxiety hits the roof…

Yikes. Now we feel it is our job to get them to choose the right behavior, to feel the right way, to choose what WE want them to choose so we can feel better and feel the good parent we want to be–to feel RESPECTED.

And here is where respect truly can be grown.

Instead of trying to ‘get them to behave’, you PAUSE. And then calmly respect their choice enough that they can experience the result of their choice–and now they can truly learn. How does this look? Ideas for you:

~ your toddler throws their cup on the floor. You calmly pick it up, put it on the counter and say, “Cups are for drinking out of and for sitting on the table. When you throw it on the floor, you are all done. Down you go!” Calmly, gently, respectfully. What do they learn? That cups are used a certain way, that their choice to throw resulted in no more drink, that mommy isn’t swayed a bit by their behavior. You’ve treated them with respect, they’ve had an opportunity to learn and grow.

~ your preschooler hits and won’t share. You respect this choice of theirs enough that you follow through with calmly talking about what you see happening, letting her know hitting is never okay, affirming all the feelings involved, asking questions such as, “Your friend would like a turn. When you are all done, can you let her know?” or “Your friend is sad about not having a turn. What can we do to help?” Respectful, no hurry to ‘make them behave,’ and now an opportunity for your preschooler to learn a bit more about friendships, feelings…respect.

~ your elementary student hurts a friend’s feelings. Oh, the temptation to ‘fix’ this somehow! Instead, listen. Reflect back what you hear from your child. Ask questions. And affirm their upset. No need to fix–this just communicates to them our lack of confidence in their ability to navigate a tough experience. Walk alongside them as they sort through the results of their behavior. Maybe a friend gets lost along the way–and now your child has really owned and learned from the results of the choice they made to be unkind. With your calm presence through-out they are more likely to make different choices the next time around. More respectful ones.

~ your teen comes home WAY beyond the time agreed and you’ve been worried sick. Respect the choice enough to follow through with the results. Calmly, consistently, with connection. “You came home really, really late. I was really worried for I never heard from you that your plans had changed. Tomorrow I’d like you to let your friends know that you’ll be staying home.” Calmly. Even as the bedroom door slams, you can be sure you communicated respect. In time, it will make a difference .

By our choosing to be clear, calm, and connected with our child, this becomes way less about making them behave a certain way, and instead an opportunity to learn and grow from experience.

They ‘hear’ our confidence in them and their growth, they feel heard and understood, they can trust that we can keep it together even when they cannot. This builds and communicates respect. And now we’ve just role-modeled what we want more of.

So today…as challenges arise…take a deep breath (PAUSE. It is essential) and let go of needing your child to choose YOUR way. Instead, welcome their choice as an opportunity for them to experience the results and grow. No hurry–this takes time and practice. Respect the time it takes to grow a fabulous adult and be in the moment, guiding your child gently, calmly, consistently. I believe you will see real growth occur–and respect is right around the corner.

And now you really can feel the good parent you already are.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

How Many Times Do I Need to Tell You?!!

September 11, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Oh how often we find ourselves saying just this,

“How many times do I have to tell you?!”

And we get frustrated because, even after the ump-TEENTH time our kids STILL aren’t listening. Things spiral up, we find ourselves yelling, often punishing, doing whatever it takes to “get them to behave, to just LISTEN.”

Consider this…what would it take from YOU for your child to know, without a doubt, you’d only ask once or twice at best? What could be different in your household if this was the case? I believe you’d discover more of a positive flow to your day, more cooperative and collaborative children, feeling a calmer connection and definitely healthier relationships…

And children who listen. How would THAT feel?!

Credit to Bil and Jeff Keane
Family Circus

Consider the messages we give when we ask over and over again for them to listen and behave, yet never follow through with action. I believe some are:

“You don’t have to trust that what I say, I mean and will do.” “You can’t count on me, for I don’t keep my promises.” “My Mad is your fault and your responsibility!” Whew.

Probably not what you intend. And how confusing for our children. Or maybe it sounds like this, “How many times do I need to tell you?” “I don’t know…maybe 16?” For really, it IS up to US how many times we decide to ask or tell our children whatever it is we are wanting them to act upon. No wonder things begin to spiral up, get more intense, at times explode…here we are asking them to decide for us what it is WE want. Confusing!

If we intend to grow listeners and enjoy the cooperation we really can have with our children, I believe we must first focus on ourselves and become clear on just what we want.

It is then our job to say to them exactly

what we mean…and to follow through, calmly and consistently,

by doing just what we said.

When we can calmly and consistently follow through–-ask only once (maybe twice… 🙂 ?!), then step in and connect, guiding them gently–then our children begin to learn they truly can trust us, count on us, believe us when we say, “It is time to…”

We keep our promises.

What a way to role model integrity. What a way to show them what “keeping promises” means. What a way to let them know they can count on us. This can be difficult for it can mean we end up with…

…a tantruming child who is resisting in all ways possible as you calmly follow through with buckling them up–“I know, it really makes you mad when we have to get loaded up in the car to go. You’d really like to stay. I’m buckling you and then we will head on down the road!”

…removing them from a heated interaction–“You are super upset. Let’s go find a place for you to settle down and when you are feeling calmer, we can try again…”

…putting their beloved toy away–“When you keep throwing this toy, it can hurt something or someone. Time to put it up and give it and you a break….”

…saying NO to using the car (yes, teens have tantrums, too) or playing with a friend or going to a birthday party–“It really saddens you that you have to say no to your friend today. I bet when you have finished up with the work you need to do, we can make different plans. Let me know when you are ready to do so!”

The more we can PAUSE, calm ourselves,

consider what we really want for our child–what we really want them to learn–then we are better able to “ask only once”–clearly and calmly. And then follow through.

Keep your promises today. Even if it is for a lost privilege. Know that as you do so, you are role modeling for your child just what you want the most–a child who can count on you, trust in others, live with integrity.

Keep calm connection and clarity at the forefront in all you do…act-as-if when necessary…and notice what is different as a result.

If you enjoyed this article, here’s another you may find helpful: Save Your NO!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
www.justaskalice.org
www.denaliparentcoaching.com
©2018 Alice Hanscam

Consider Consequences…

September 5, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

I’d really like to be rid of the word “consequences.” This may be a matter of semantics, but stay with me here.

I know they are important. I know we toss that word around a lot when we are frustrated, concerned, working hard at showing our children (and perhaps adults you might know) that their actions have consequences.

This is true, I absolutely agree with that. Actions do have consequences. Yet this word “consequences?” It gets misused. It is defined quite often as punishment.

Think about this–“That child needs consequences!” Really what is being said is, “That child needs to be punished in order to learn to do it the RIGHT way, MY way, the kind, good, easy or whatever way.”

Consequences and Punishment. They just seem to mean the same to so many.

I’d like to suggest something else. I’d like to re-frame consequences as “The Results of Choices.” Results. The outcome of however our child chooses. Whether it is to earn something, pay for something, experience loss, experience joy…

Take hitting, for example.

You know, the hitting between siblings, the hit from one child to another that happens when a toy is grabbed or a buddy gets in the way or when we try to step in and help a situation. The hit from a very upset child. We know hitting isn’t okay. It certainly pushes OUR button…

Think about this. Because it pushes our button and we just want it to STOP we often find ourselves saying, “He needs to know there are consequences for hitting his sister!” Seen as a punishment, we are now stepping in making them stop, often getting upset ourselves, removing them from the situation to “Go to time out young man!” Threatening to take away privileges–“No more iPad!” “No way can you go to your friend’s party now!”; or worse, we hit them to show them how it hurts. That makes no sense and is never okay.

What do they learn? That when they hit, WE lose our temper.That their hitting or not hitting is about how WE feel, not how they feel, how the one who was hit feels, not how to express feelings appropriately. That it is all about how we react–and now their attention is way less on what we hope they can learn and WAY more on how we are reacting.

What do we WANT them to learn? That when they get upset they can use their words, come get an adult to help, take time to cool off. That gentler hands are important. We want them to learn how to cooperate, be patient, PAUSE. To manage themselves in healthy and productive ways.

So what is the Result of their Choice to Hit? That it hurts.

And that hurt causes another to be sad and upset. And when someone is sad and upset, we comfort them. We show the hitter what the hitting caused. And knowing that younger children, when they hit, are typically equally hurt inside, the result of them hitting is that we kneel down and talk with them–gently, firmly, with our full and understanding presence.

Maybe the result of their choice to hit goes further. Maybe it is that time to cool off is in order. Maybe it is showing them what they CAN hit. Maybe it is about picking up the one who got hit and heading elsewhere for a bit…putting our attention on what we want more of–less hitting, more compassion.

If we had stepped in with “CONSEQUENCES!” I’d venture to say lessons learned are way less about our child learning more about himself. When we step in as the guide through the results of their actions, so much more INNER learning goes on–and that is exactly what is needed in order to grow in healthy ways, to become a successful adult able to manage their feelings, know themselves well, build healthy relationships with others.

What does this require from us?

First and foremost, our ability to PAUSE. To consider just what we want the most, what our child needs in order to learn and grow, to calm ourselves enough that however we then respond it is done in a relationship-building way.

It requires our patience and ability to Take. Our. Time.

It asks us to take care of ourselves so our feelings of MAD or worry or frustration can be calmed and dealt with, no matter what our child decides to do. Self-care. It is essential in order to parent well.

It asks us to know our child…and to understand ages and stages so we CAN understand better what our child needs.

Today, PAUSE. Calm your self. Consider just what you want to show your child so they can learn a bit more how to manage themselves, how to sort their feelings, how to use their words. Step in alongside and show them the way.

**Let your calm and confident self create the connection your child needs so they can do the learning and growing they need the most.**

What a way to deposit into your relationship with your child.

Here’s to you today!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Time-outs!

August 12, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Time-outs! Often relied on to change our child’s behavior, to “get them to behave,” to HOPEFULLY make them LEARN.

Baby Blues by Rick Kirkman and Jerry Scott

And I believe this comic says it all–“And you still don’t see the connection?”

When we use a time-out as punishment, as the go-to

consequence for “mis” behavior also known as behavior we cannot handle, or stand, or know what to do with,

what are we actually teaching?

It seems to me, when our kids hit, yell, ignore, dump the dog’s food bowl all over the floor, throw exactly what it is you don’t want being thrown, fight, you name it–if our response is, “Go to time-out!” or “That’s enough, young man. Go to your room!” or “You know hitting isn’t okay! You need to go sit THERE until I say you can move…”

…then our children are more likely never to “see the connection.” Or maybe it is that the connection they see isn’t conducive to learning just what it is we really want them to learn. And what really is missing is the connection they need with us in order to feel safe, secure, able to settle and learn.

What they hear and experience is when they choose to do something we consider “mis” behavior, they have to go to time-out. Mostly because mom or dad is mad and really can’t handle their behavior and now it is all about our mad (and inability to handle it. Scary, for a child). What is really learned? How to make mom mad. How to NOT make mom mad. And how unsettling that is for children, to seemingly be “in control” of our feelings. Rocks their boat, shakes them up, and often just creates even MORE “mis”behavior as a result.

What we really want, beyond not being mad, is for our children to learn to decide on their own to choose more appropriate and productive behavior; to be more focused on themselves and the learning we really intend.

Learning, from the inside-out.

Truly self-directed. Essential for future successful and healthy adulthood.

When the go-to is “Time-Out, Young Man!”, where is the learning to use gentle hands, a quieter voice, to keep the dog’s food IN the bowl or how to sweep it up and put it where it belongs? Where is the learning to throw appropriate items, place others, hand over some, plunk others? How do they know the steps to productive negotiation? Sending our kids to time-out often undermines the learning of exactly what we truly want.

Instead, consider a time-out as exactly what it is meant for–a time to cool off. To be used often in connection WITH you (a Time IN), or at least from the place of, “Wow, you are really really upset. It’s time to take a break…” A time-out is an opportunity to take that break, cool our jets, feel better, and then try again. Essential life-skill. A PAUSE. Knowing when you need it and how to take one is what we are guiding our children towards and probably learning to do ourselves . See my books for help in this!

All the other behaviors? They deserve our calm, matter-of-fact response. “When you hit, it hurts. It’s never okay. What is it you’d like to say?” “We use gentler hands on our kitty. Like this…if you need to hit, let’s go whack the couch pillows!” “Yikes! The dog food belongs IN the bowl. Would you like to scoop it back up with your hands or try sweeping it up?” “Blocks are for building or plunking. Would you like to try again?” “You are super excited! Let’s put the blocks away right now and go get all your extra throwing energy out with our soft balls…” “You two are having a tough time taking turns. You both want a chance to play with our new game…hmmmm…”

**And now our child has the opportunity to feel supported and understood by us, connected to us, and focused on exactly what we want them to learn more about.**

NOW they have the opportunity to connect their choice with a result that has them learning HOW to do something, WHAT they feel, STEPS they can take. All with your company. And they now are more likely to learn.

So today, think about just what it is you really want (beyond NOT feeling mad!), and let a pause for YOU step up so you can then join alongside your child and take the extra minute to talk and show. Pretty powerful, our words and actions.

And if it continues to escalate? That’s okay. Now it is a time to use a time-out as the PAUSE it is truly meant to be. Instead of a punishment, it becomes a powerful way to help a child feel the connection with himself and with you that has them calming themselves, managing themselves, and deciding for themselves just when they are ready to try again.

Now they’ll see the connection. And your job has just become easier… This is the power of PAUSE.

Here’s to you today!
Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2017 Alice Hanscam

MORE of What TO Do Instead of Screens

June 20, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Screen Time and Technology Comment

I’ve come to understand many of you only know devices as the go-to solution for occupying your kids when needed. It has become the default, so as I talk about how LESS screen is much healthier, many of you struggle with just what TO do. I want to share ideas for you as you consider pausing before handing your child a digital device and considering what else you CAN do.

I feel quite lucky that when I was parenting younger kids all there was device-wise was TV (and that wasn’t all that long ago!). There are so many things we did for our children that now is replaced by a device. All that ultimately does for many children is displace the kind of learning that can grow them in optimal ways and this makes YOUR job as a parent even harder. Those devices when over-used? They seem to make things easier in the moment…until, of course, you try to take it away or tell your child they are done 🙂 And in the long run it makes everything so much harder, for your kids aren’t learning how to manage themselves, how to BE in long lines, car rides, the post office, the grocery store, on airplanes…

Instead of learning how to control themselves, it seems the devices are doing it for them. All this says to your child is, “You need this device in order to be in control…” Not what any of us really want in the long run–for our child to seek outside influences in order to feel in control of themselves. Think peer pressure. Unwanted sexual experiences. Drugs. Alcohol.

So what CAN you do? Oh so much! Ideas for you at home…

Have a selection of books and/or toys or other special items saved JUST for the times you need space the most. My own mother had what she called a Gift Box–and she’d go dig in it and come up with an activity book or little matchbox car…something that was new to us. Worked every time for engaging us when she needed it the most.

Keep about half the general collection of toys in your house put away and out of sight. This worked spectacularly for us–we could rotate toys periodically, and presto! New all over to them! Amazing how, after not seeing something for a number of weeks, a child’s play with a toy changes and re-engages them in new ways. Sort of fun to watch.

How about a box with a few favorite books and special toys tucked inside? A friend has one. Out comes the box just when she needs to focus on something that requires kids out of the way. The kids know this is a Special Box and is used only for Special Times…nothing in it requires adult supervision, which is key 🙂

Know that a toddler will be fascinated with a saucepan, spoon, a measuring cup, lid. Maybe add a bit of water for stirring. You’ll get a few extra minutes and maybe more as the play expands–and you can easily add a bit of food to mix in if desired, or a doll and washcloth, or maybe a towel spread on floor with extra cups, scoops, maybe an empty ice-cube tray and let them fill and dump to their hearts content. Need something a bit drier? Try an empty Kleenex box stuffed with just about anything and hand to your young toddler. Or a full Kleenex box to have fun pulling out the tissues one at a time… 🙂

Pull out the “old fashioned” telephone. I know a few little boys who LOVE to pretend to call the doctor on their old telephone…BRRRRRING! BRRRRING! Give them a crayon or pencil and a pile of sticky notes. Let the play begin. This paper and crayon or pencil? It works well while riding in the grocery cart 🙂 Remember cardboard boxes…of any and all sizes. They make fantastic play-on-your-own experiences. All you have to do is occasionally add something new inside the Box Fort–sleeping bag, flashlights, a pile of stuffed critters, a shoe box full of stickers and markers…

Know that a preschooler can take an apron and it can become a cape and OFF they’ll fly around the room...or will love being given a selection of ingredients to go mix and pour on their own–we did this. It would take me just a minute to set up a tray with bowl, spoon, and about 6 different “ingredients” such as water, oil, oatmeal, food coloring (depending on age!), vinegar, baking soda, seasonings I used rarely…and my girls would spend up to half-an-hour mixing and mixing, A “delicious recipe” for eyes and noses ONLY!

Throw a blanket over a table or across a few chairs and let your child know in a secret voice, “It’s your FORT. I wonder how many of your stuffed guys will join you in there?” So often it is just how you say something that can capture a child’s attention and get their imagination going. Use your voice. Sing, whisper, be conspiratorial. Amazing what can happen for creating time for YOU.

What about at the grocery store, or the post-office, or in a L-O-N-G line at DMV or the airport or ANY where? What about during your dentist appointment, at the bank, or anywhere else you head with child in hand?

Ideas for you on-the-go:

***Always carry snacks. Kids get hungry and grumpy when waits are extra long. A collection of raisins and fish crackers (or whatever you choose…) can occupy their little fingers at length AND take the edge off of hunger.

***Involve your child. Have them help you find things in the grocery store, fill the bag with apples, get excited about choosing the cereal. One mama I know let her son know he could choose a toy from the toy aisle to hold during their grocery store trip, and then when finished, they would return the toy to the shelf “with all its friends” and wave good bye. My girls liked to bring their Special Guys with them–Kitty and Grand Champion (horse). They talked to them, showed them things, included them in our errands just as I included my girls.

***Be sure to do errands with your child when you DO feel patient so they can learn from a calm and present parent. The more you can do this, the less trouble you’ll have during the times you have to swing by the store following daycare pick up and a long day at work. Think about this–your child cannot learn how to BE in a bank or store or anywhere if you just hand them a digital device to occupy them.

Then as they grow, it just gets tougher and tougher, for they don’t have the ability to wait in line, to look around and talk about things, to know how to exchange money or choose stamps or mail a package or count down until your number is called…

***Instead of plunking your child in front of the child’s TV in the bank (I really do not like how more institutions are supplying screens for children, rather than a pile of books…and yes, I say something to the managers quite regularly!), carry them on up to the counter, talk to them about what the teller is doing, let them hand over the check, let them receive the receipt. Name all the interesting things around–“He has a much BIGGER computer than ours at home.” “Look! Type type type and then whir whir whir and out comes our receipt!” “Would you like to show the teller what we brought to the bank for her to take care of?” There is SO much learning to be done when we choose to involve our kids in our day to day tasks and errands…

***Instead of trying extra hard to keep your child still and quiet in that long line in the post office, consider letting them explore a bit. Perhaps let them look through the display windows at all the colorful stamps; maybe play a bit of I Spy with them. Let them hold the letters or package to be mailed. Sing quietly to them. We found singing to work wonders in so many situations. Again, talk about all the things you see. Show them how to take Flat Rate Boxes off the shelf and then slide them back on again. Let them look at the cards for sale–show them how to be gentle, to slide them back where they belong. INVOLVE your children.

***In the back seat of the car have books and a few other favorite small items available. Engage them out the window. Find the back hoe, the raven on the telephone wire, the firetruck whizzing by. Again, sing. Or play music or an audio book. As they get older, give them car-games to play like finding all the letters of the alphabet as they pass by signs or as many different license plates as possible. Keeping track of finding each state’s license plate if you live in the USA is lots of fun for kids of many ages.

These are just some of the endless number of ideas I and others have that I encourage you to try FIRST, prior to handing your child a device. Save those for special times–for when you have absolutely NO patience or where-with-all left. Now they don’t interrupt healthy development, for they are used rarely. Like TV for us. We kept it to 30 minutes a day–and often never watched any. My girls sometimes “saved up” their minutes to watch more on other days…those days when I needed it the most 🙂

Share what works in your family as you move through your busy days without defaulting to screens very often. No one has to re-invent the wheel as they scramble for ways to occupy their child, or ways to involve their child. Let’s share what works and encourage each other! It really does take a village to support a parent so they can parent well.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Making a Real Difference, Meltdowns and All

June 10, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

A favorite story to share…

Four-year-old twins, a boy and girl. A busy store. Two parents and a list of things to get. Here’s what caught my attention:

The little boy getting a hold of an item and starting to take it out of its package–mom knelt gently in front of him, placed her hand on his shoulder and said, “Son, in a store we keep things in their packages until we buy them. That’s the rule. Can you put it back, please?” And then, upon refusal of her son, she carefully took it from his hands and placed it back where it belonged. Her son began to fuss…

I so appreciated her respectful, gentle approach that I kept my eye on what was unfolding from there. Yes, I watch. I watch because I enjoy noticing what is working for parents and children, I enjoy actively appreciating a parent’s efforts–more on that later.

The next thing I noticed:

The family in line, putting items up on the counter for the cashier…the little girl was happily saying, “Daddy, can I help carry things?”

The little boy–already a bit out of sorts with having to stop dismantling packaged items 🙂 –was doing the four-year-old whine. “I want that! I want it n-o-wwww!” Still on the quiet side, but a definite whine, fuss, discontentment. Dad reached down and picked him up–creating just the connection his little boy needed–and held him as they continued with unloading the cart. The boy got a little louder with his “I want…give it baaacckkk…”

Dad looked at mom and said quietly, “What would you like me to do?” Mom said, “Head on out with him.” And out of the store dad and four-year-old went, Mr. Four now increasing in volume as he realized he was getting further from what he wanted.

Yes, I followed–the sunshine felt good as I was waiting for my husband back in the store. So I followed and watched this wonderful exchange from a distance. Dad calmly carried his now writhing son over to their car and paused by the door, talking quietly. He put his son down…and the boy promptly did jello legs and collapsed on the ground–yet still rather subdued with his whining. Dad picked him up and opened the car and tucked him in–calmly, patiently.

Enter mom. She appeared outdoors with her daughter–and here is my favorite part. I tapped her on the shoulder and said,

“I want you to know I’ve enjoyed watching your twins. I so appreciate how calm and patient you both are with your son–I know how tough it can be and I saw how much of a difference it made for your little boy.”

And she beamed.

We then spent the next few minutes sharing 4-year-old antics and their BIG feelings, how hard this stage is with her twins–she spoke of the challenges as well as the joy. We spoke of the importance of calm connection and consistent follow-through in order to help a child really learn. We spoke of the message their calm gives–that their children can count on them to keep it together even when they (the children) cannot. And this is why her son never really lost it–because they kept it together. Now he had the opportunity to really learn just a little bit more about managing himself–in a store, with dad, on his own. Truly awesome.

We parted with me sharing how this had put a smile on my face, with her sharing how encouraging it is to be actively appreciated.

And this is what I encourage each of you to do this week–actively appreciate another. Whether it is a parent with an acting out child, a parent getting real joy out of an exchange, a child who is working hard at being a great helper, a child who is struggling with a sibling or an activity. Take a moment to watch, to encourage, to say, “I noticed. Kudos to you!”

We all need encouragement and to be appreciated. And I bet you will discover and enjoy the smile it’ll put on your face and in your heart as you do so. What a way to go through our days.

What a way to grow connected, joyful, meaningful relationships.

What a way to live.

Another favorite story of the power of calm connection is right here for you: Pick Me Up Now!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author and Parent Coach
©2016 Alice Hanscam

A Beautiful Moment

May 23, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated Comment

A Beautiful Moment.

A mama, a curly-haired four-year-old boy, a beach, and a talk.

What caught my eye? First the boy, happily and busily marching up and down and up and down a great-big-to-him log on the beach. Pausing to JUMP into the sand…check out the waves…back up onto the log…sandy hands and all.

Next, the mama. Calm. Present. Quiet. Available.

Mr. Four was being given such a lovely space to BE. To move, think, imagine, connect on his own terms, in his own way.

Up the log he’d go…met by Mama with a twinkle in her eye. Maybe a few words exchanged, maybe not. It all depended on if Mr. Four had something to say.

Down the log he went. JUMP into the sand. Study intently the incoming tide.

I paused…watched…and then noticed and appreciated out loud to this mama the gift she was giving her son to just BE. And as you can imagine, this moment I paused became a Beautiful Moment.

A moment filled with sharing the power of connecting meaningfully, deeply. A moment filled with how life changing parenting is, how it calls to us to GROW, from the inside out. How, when we pause, calm ourselves, work first at growing our ability to feel centered and content to the best of our ability, our parenting changes, our children change.

Anxiety evaporates. Connection grows.

“Discipline” and “Punishment” become what they are supposed to be–a gentle, firm guidance done through calm connection, appreciation, and real JOY.

And yes, this is quite different from parenting permissively. You can explore my blog and “Parenting Well No Matter the Label” for more on that.

A Beautiful Moment of considering the power of parenting and living from the calm, centered, connected, affirming, appreciative, loving place focused on guiding children in empowering ways. She’s come to it along her path of discovery; I, too. And all my sharing with each of you is with the intent to help you grow this direction, also.

Just think what the world could be like if each and every one of us strengthened our ability to PAUSE, consider, appreciate. To grow our trust in life and growth and really listened to our inner selves, ultimately feeling steady and strong.

Just think how the next generation of children could more likely thrive as they grow in an environment filled with a real sense of security, of love, of being valued and appreciated for who they are, shown with care and gentleness and a steady assurance how to be, to grow, to live.

Just think. This mama and me? We felt the importance of our “chance” meeting. We both, I believe, parted feeling encouraged, affirmed, lifted. I did, absolutely.

And Mr. Four? Oh he was busily going down the log, up the log, and down again. Intermittently telling me about the Redwood Trees he and his stuffed dog were going to see, how the tide was coming in, how fast he can go, the adventures he’d been on and was going on, the special tires on his toy car, that he was 1-2-3-FOUR…!

What a delight. Thank you to this Mama who gave me a PAUSE to consider with care some of what we shared. Thank you to this Mama for the Beautiful Moment that has had me smiling all day long. And thank you to the curly haired Mr. Four who sparkled as he delighted in all things BEACH.

Alice
Author and Parent Coach

I’ve Got To Pick My Battles!

January 8, 2019 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

“I’ve got to pick my battles!”

Pretty familiar, those words. If we haven’t said it ourselves, someone else has or we’ve been given the advice to “Pick your battle!”

Whether or not to have yet another fight with your child over cleaning up their toys, being home on time, dressing appropriately, putting their laundry away, keeping their hands to themselves, listening to you (the FIRST time), packing their backpack, remembering their homework, being respectful, NOT talking back or rolling eyes or using THAT tone of voice…is worth entering into yet again. Pick, because fighting over everything is just plain exhausting.

Feels like a battle, doesn’t it?

Fighting your way through their resistance, trying to

“get the upper hand”, “win”, be respected as the adult and the parent, to just get your child to behave…

And yet…think about this. If we go into something thinking “battle” (thank you screamfree), we are now preparing ourselves for a fight––for a win/lose situation. And boy, we’ve GOT to win this one. Because, well, we are the adult and we DO know better. Right?

It becomes a battle when we are out to get our child to do it the way WE want, the way WE see it should be, and perhaps the way it really ought to be much of the time. Perhaps. It becomes a battle when we can’t handle when our child makes a choice different from what we want and we work even harder to “get them to…”

And they work harder resisting resisting resisting. Let the battle continue.

Here’s my thought. What if we let go of “battle” and instead see the behavior as an opportunity to grow rather than a problem to fix—as a chance to let our child discover a bit more about themselves? About what they like and don’t like; what they can and cannot do; what is their responsibility and what isn’t…? Key things for healthy growth and future maturity–knowing more about yourself. Now what might you do?

I think you might…

…affirm your child’s feelings in the matter, letting them process a bit via a PAUSE on your part. A PAUSE that has you working at calming yourself down, as well 🙂

…ask questions first, rather than dictate and insist, then PAUSE so you have a chance to listen and consider. What a way to show respect! What a way to learn a bit more about how your child ticks.

…be clear about what the choices are, what is expected and then PAUSE once again to give your child the opportunity to respond, consider, maybe even offer up another idea.

…then step in and follow through calmly and matter-of-factly with whatever the choice is; with whatever the result might be from the choice made.

**An example for you–homework freakout.**

Oh no. Yet another afternoon of dragging your child through their homework. A dreaded time, for your child typically falls apart, throws a fit, stomps off, laments “I can’t DO this…” THIS time is different. THIS time you let a PAUSE lead the way and you let go of it being a battle you are out to win:

You: “This really isn’t working for you, is it? Your math is HARD. You look pretty tired and frustrated right now.” Affirming and acknowledging what is happening and how they are feeling is key.

Child: “I can’t DO this! It’s TOO hard. I just want to go outside and play…”

You: “Do you think some time outside would help? I know the math needs to be turned in tomorrow…what do you think would work best for you to get it done?” Asking questions rather than telling them what to do communicates your confidence in their capable selves able to figure things out.

Child: “I want to go outside NOW. I promise I’ll do the math later…”

You: “I bet that would feel really good. Here’s the deal–dinner is in an hour. Do you want to head out to play until dinner and then tackle your homework, or would you like to get it done before dinner? If it’s done before dinner, we will have time to play a board game after we eat…” Affirming their idea, giving them a clear framework for what they can expect.

Child: “Ummm….can you let me know when I should come in and do my math to get it done before dinner? I want to play Monopoly with you later…”

You: “Okay! Go have fun. I’ll check in in half an hour.” What a way to communicate your trust in their choice and ability to manage their choice.

Here’s the key, though. In half an hour your child probably will still want to play outside. That’s still a fair choice. You get to calmly remind them that doing homework after dinner is just fine–and it means Monopoly will have to wait until tomorrow. You are holding to your clear expectations without battling with your child over how he does homework. No threats to try to get them to still come in. Just a matter-of-fact reminder of results of certain choices.

So when dinner is done and it is homework time? One of two things will probably happen:

A child willing to tackle her math because you had respected their choice all along and stayed clear and firm about expectations…(and maybe a bit of moaning and groaning and attempts at still playing a game…)

OR…

A child who melts down because they really didn’t want to miss out on Monopoly.

And here is where you get to decide what

you want most to be learned.

If it is that you are the boss and what you say is what will happen then prepare for battle and what ultimately becomes pretty relationship depleting. This usually includes yelling at them or threatening losing out of all kinds of other things, or maybe even giving in and saying yes to the game (probably furthering the likelihood that tomorrow’s homework battle will be just as difficult and fiery…) Not a whole lot learned other than fighting is the way to be or if I (the child) push enough, mom gives in. Hmmmm.

Or, PAUSE. Stick to your promise of Monopoly tomorrow since your child’s choice was homework after dinner. Let your child melt down if that’s what they need to do. Start that affirming process again. Give them space. LET GO of the homework being done…for what is the worst case scenario? They return it to school the next day not finished. And then they get to discover what that means…and they learn a bit more about what IS their responsibility.

A real opportunity to learn, for you’ve gotten YOUR reactivity out of the way. And you’ve stuck to your promise, calmly, clearly, always in connection with your child BECAUSE you were calm and matter-of-fact…willing to let them lose it a bit…giving them the safe space to discover just what the results of their choice(s) look like, what they can expect, how they feel.

This is where real learning happens. Learning that allows a child

to understand themselves a bit more.

To feel accepted. To know they can count on you to keep it together no matter how they feel. To know they can count on you to show them the way, to walk alongside, to be their guide rather than nagging dictator…:-) To ultimately learn to manage THEIR feelings and actions. To feel and know what respect looks like.

Truly relationship building.

And it is a process, this growth. It takes time, PRACTICE, do-overs a-plenty, patience, self-care on your part, clarity of the kind of future adult you are hoping to launch into the world. It takes respect–respect for your child’s individuality–that they just might decide things quite differently from you.

You are their guide along this journey of growth and life.

Let the power of calm connection lead the way as often as possible…and you will discover “I’ve got to pick my battle!” no longer needs to be a part of your vocabulary.

And what a relief that can be.

Control. Obedience. Compliance. HELP!

December 26, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Control. Obedience. Compliance. “Do as I say, NOW.” “You better, or else…” “I’ve got to make them behave!” “If you don’t stop NOW, I’m going to lose it…!”

Sound even remotely familiar? Feeling in control of…well…just about anything in our lives leaves us feeling better, more relaxed, confident. And so often we exert this control on our child and focus on making them behave a certain way so we CAN feel better, more relaxed, confident.

But a funny thing happens…

…at some point the harder we work at “making them behave” the more they push back. Resist. Fight us. Spiral up and up and up. Things fall apart, can get pretty yucky, and we might work even harder at “making them behave” so we can feel in control or we might throw up our hands and throw in the towel…

Either way, we feel far from better. And our relationship feels pretty crummy.

So what if, instead of working oh-so-hard to control another, we instead PAUSE and focus on ourselves, first? Figure out a way to take a deep breath and calm down a bit? Think about how WE want to feel, rather than how we need THEM to feel? Consider how to feel and behave (perhaps act-as-if?) no matter how the other decides to?

You know, be in control of ourselves? DECIDE to feel calm, confident, relaxed no matter how another chooses to be?

When we can take responsibility first for ourselves, get clear on what we intend and hope for, and then interact from this place of clarity and certainty and hopefully way more calmly, we are much more likely to influence our child in such a way THEY choose, on their own, to make more productive decisions, behave in a more positive way, grow and learn in the direction we hope for the most. Really.

Think about all the times things have gone well, productively, moved forward without everyone losing it–or at least a time YOU didn’t lose it. Consider how you were feeling. What you were doing–take note. It’s important. And it is this, as you pay attention to what works and has worked for you, that will grow and encourage and help you create the real and positive change you want.

Influence. Guidance. What a powerful way to build relationships. Control ourselves, first. Get clear about all we intend and act accordingly–from the inside out. It is rather hopeless, if you think about it, to constantly be trying to control another. Maybe it works now and again AND it will inevitably blow. And usually when you want it the least. Because really, the other person? Your child, perhaps? They can always say NO. And they do. Quite often!

What can we truly control? Ourselves. Today as things spiral up, get reactive, or you find yourself beginning to pull your hair out over the lack of compliance and obedience, use this as your reminder to PAUSE.

Breathe deeply. Find a semblance of calm inside you. Think about just what it is you want the most in the situation–what you want your child to learn. Now step back in and respond to their antics based on what you want the most. It’s hard. And PAUSE is the key.

What a way to build relationships.

What a way to say, “You can count on me to keep it together no matter how you feel.” What a way to say, “Your feelings, ideas, and choices matter.” What a way to say “No matter what, you can count on me to be here with you.” What a way to realize and celebrate and embrace GROWTH.

Influence. Guidance. Respect for the process of growth. Now how does your relationship feel?Oh so much much better. Healthier. Real. Meaningful. Filled with trust and respect. Strong, from the inside out.

And yes, still filled with angst. But angst that, instead of relationship-depleting, becomes the trusted platform for all things growth. And growth is good. Always. Even when it is painful.

Exercise your PAUSE muscle today. And trust yourself.

With JOY and appreciation,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach

A SUCCESS Story With(out) Screens…

November 9, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Screen Time and Technology, Story Time! Comment

A SUCCESS story to share from a parent committed to parenting positively and peacefully…

A 20-month-old toddler and Mama. Toddler screaming (and maybe Mama, as well?!). Fighting naps. Upset when being on a digital device is a “no”, unable to play on her own, resists resists resists, uncooperative…you name it and the HARD of toddler-hood was taking over.

Mama exhausted, exasperated, frustrated, and at the end of her rope. As you can well imagine. We’ve all been there. And here is where the story changes. Let it lift YOU and give you the encouragement you need today…

Mama reached out for support. Mama rolled up her sleeves, made some intentional choices and changes, stuck with them, and what a real and positive difference it made.

~SELF CARE. She was reminded to take care of her self–YES! As she said, “During her naps I’ve been trying to read, draw, write, drink tea and eat chocolate, whatever. I also try to get ready and look decent every day because it makes me feel better.” And when WE feel better our children do better...

~NO MORE SCREENS! A resounding YES from me! “I noticed when she was being challenging it was easy for me to let her watch TV or play on my phone. Cutting this out helped in a big way. We will probably introduce some screens again in the future, but not for a long time based on how it’s changed her behavior.”

This is a common result of limiting or eliminating screens for young children–their behavior ultimately changes for the better because now they are more likely getting what they really need-–hands on, sensory and language rich, relationship-based, whole body experiences.

They become more cooperative, independent, calm, able to truly get lost in their important work of PLAY. When use screens to distract, we are undermining our child’s ability to learn to understand and manage their feelings and behavior. We are saying, “you need this so you won’t do or feel that…” We are saying, “I don’t have confidence in your ability to manage your self…or my ability to handle your big feelings…” Probably not what any of us intend. With screen time removed, and a supportive Mama alongside, a toddler begins to grow the very ability we want to see more of–managing themselves well.

~PREDICTABLE SCHEDULE. Mama buckled down and began to keep the routine they already had generally in place STRICTLY in place. “I noticed that I couldn’t really expect her to get dressed after breakfast when some days we did and others we didn’t….she (now) knows what to expect and I know what expectations and limits I have, so I can follow through and hold strong to them.” What a way to communicate to her little one “You can count on what I say, I mean and will do.” What a way to build trust. What a way to help a toddler–with all the tumultuous and terrific independent growth–feel safe and secure.

~QUALITY TIME! “Sometimes as a stay-at-home-parent, I forget that just because I spend a lot of time with my daughter doesn’t mean it’s quality. I’ve been trying to spend at least an hour a day with my phone away in her play area just watching and joining in as she requests.” The magic here? Mama’s INTENTIONAL presence and putting her phone away is a HUGE step towards making that work. Now her toddler can–again–count on her Mama, feel important and connected, and feel Mama’s interest, love, and confidence in how she plays and explores and, ultimately, who she is becoming. So very cool.

~GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! “When my toddler was struggling I couldn’t imagine doing anything, let alone leaving the house. I started biting the bullet and we leave almost every day after breakfast to do something fun. It helps break up the day and it forces me to interact with real life people and put on a clean shirt.” Now THAT is self-care, as well. And getting outside? What a difference that can make. Outside OR in the car and off to some new venue. We used to head to the mall in the midst of our cold winters and wander around looking through store windows, exploring, marching along the hallways, maybe actually getting an errand done…and it felt good.

Now what is different for this Mama? “I’ve noticed less screaming, less fighting naps, no asking for screen time, more willing to play by herself, more willing to engage in tasks with me, more willing to follow my requests, less acting out, and just general better behavior. It’s not perfect, but we’re both trying and I started giving myself a lot more slack too.”

I love this story! Mama reached out when her frustration got too high. Mama PAUSED and considered where things did go well…and then acted upon this knowledge. Mama became way more intentional about what and how she did things. And as a result?

She and her daughter feel more connected. In a lovely way. In a cooperative, collaborative, calmer, caring way. In truly relationship-building ways. Calm connection leads the way…maybe not all the time, maybe not without a LOT of work…but that is okay for this parenting deal? It is a practice. There is no end goal, no perfection…just practice, growth, learning, and more practice.

Thank you to this Mama for letting me share her story. It’s ever-so-important because it demonstrates clearly how, as we take our attention off of screens and instead onto ourselves and the relationships we intend to grow, so many healthy things can emerge. More self-care. More PLAY. More connection. More resilience, patience, JOY.

Here’s to you today, tomorrow, and all your days as you intentionally focus on growing the kinds of relationships and creating the kinds of experiences you want the most.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

www.justaskalice.org

Connection Rather Than Correction

November 1, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! Comment

A story for you.

A Mama, 15-month old, 3.5 year old, and a quiet event in a large room with one other adult.

Mama and adult were in conversation. 15-month-old HAPPILY engrossed in practicing her newly discovered running. You know, little feet churning forward, balance worked on, distance accomplished. A total delight, as she ran ran ran from one end of the room, to the other, out the door to turn around and run run run right back in with the biggest smile ever.

Mama quietly delighting, giving her the opportunity to practice “separating” from Mama and being totally in charge of her own body.

3.5-year-old in constant conversation with the other adult, some words understood, others not, but the theme always apparent. The Halloween candy bowl. The SPACE to MOVE in this rather empty room. His job to “go find sissy!” as his little sister ran ran ran out of the room and back in again. The picture on his shirt. The work at peeling wrappers off pieces of candy and finding the garbage can. Talk talk talk. Totally fun.

On and on all the while with Mama and adult also engaging in conversation.

And then 3.5-year-old started upping the ante. Going to find Sissy included extra “hand work”–you know, pushing a bit as he decided to direct her in certain ways. 15-month-old plopped a few times on her bottom, wrinkled her brow, and pushed herself back up to continue HER job of running. Brother upped the ante a bit more–pushing a bit harder. Tears started. 3.5-year-old–being in the “out-of-bounds” stage preschoolers are in–became even more exuberant with his STRONG muscles…

Okay. This is where it could have totally disintegrated. It could have been Mama getting frustrated, stopping brother, brother ramping it up more, toddler falling totally apart, and ALL conversation (and connection!) lost as a result.

Instead…the other adult? She spotted a low table and engaged with Mr. 3.5 with, “You have STRONG muscles! I can tell your sister doesn’t like how you used them on her. I wonder if they could come push push push this table all the way across the room…?”

Bingo. Mr. 3.5? He took up the challenge. The table was pushed across one way, then turned and pushed again. “Whew!” both the boy and adult said. “You DO have strong muscles!” Mr. 3.5 said, “They are tired muscles, now!”

So plop onto the floor the adult and boy went. “Let’s REST those muscles!” Lying side by side they gazed up at the ceiling. “Look! A balloon is up there!” And their conversation continued, boy resting his body, then his eyes. The other adult joining in along side. Quiet talk together. Mama watching from the side with a smile on her face, not interrupting a bit, giving a lap and a bit of comfort for her toddler.

Soon the rest was complete and the escalation that had occurred was no more. Mr. 3.5 was back to exploring, talking, and being just-right-busy. Mama and adult finished their conversation. Toddler felt ready after the steadying comfort of Mama’s lap and busied herself just as before–run run running.

Delightful. All of it.

What could have melted down was instead

re-directed toward tapping into just what a 3.5-year-old needs–acceptance and acknowledgement of abilities, opportunity to USE those abilities, real and honest connection with another.

This was way less about “correcting inappropriate behavior” and way more about showing an exuberant preschooler just HOW to channel all of his energy. To manage himself in positive, productive ways, rather than be “corrected, directed, and then disconnected” in relationship depleting ways. Toddler, too. It gave a chance for Toddler to know, without a doubt, Mama was there to check in with, feel safe with, and now better manage her own upset over all that “hand work” of Mr. 3.5.

As a result, joy was had, conversations finished and enjoyed, connection felt, respect given. And just a bit more of self-regulation developed (aka, “appropriate behavior”). By both toddler and preschooler.

How cool is that?!

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Said with a huff, “Parents these days!”

September 26, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Self-care Comment

Said with a huff, “Parents these days! They are doing SUCH a poor job…”

Or maybe (and equally with a huff), “She should give her child some DISCIPLINE!”

Or perhaps, “In MY day we knew how to make our kids behave!”

And off go the adults huffing and puffing…and on go the kids being anywhere from over-the-top challenging to as typical as typical can be…

…and sink-into-an-embarrassment hole goes mom or dad, or maybe just the opposite as their blood pressure goes over-the-top just like the kids…

And THEN…well? Who knows. Maybe everyone gets moved along their way as if nothing is happening–hush hush, now, let’s go. Or maybe mom or dad try ever so hard to get their child to “behave.” Or maybe everyone blows. None of it very pretty. Or effective.

Or encouraging.

And this is where I’m going. It feels pretty awful to have others throwing comments your way or even just thinking them that are all about CRITICISM. And really, isn’t this way more about the critical adult’s discomfort over what seems to be less than wonderful behavior? Discomfort over something they’d LIKE to control and can’t?

I think so. Discomfort that can feel like frustration. Or embarrassment for another, and hence yourself since you now feel embarrassed you are embarrassed. Or maybe just plain anger. And it is expressed verbally, critically, often in what seems to be a “light” manner with that nudge nudge don’t you agree or an eye-roll, or sarcasm.

Consider this. It takes a village to raise a child. It takes support, encouragement, understanding, compassion, extra hands, more time than you ever realized, lots of self-care…

Criticism offers none of these. Appreciation offers all of them. I’m done with–and actually rarely participated in, anyway–chuckling and ha-ha-ing a bit with those who say things like that. I’m done with walking away and rolling MY eyes at my husband who knows exactly what I’m thinking. Nope. No more. Because I intend to get much better myself at staying true to what I believe and know…even if discomfort reins.

Said (by me) to those huffing and puffing over “Parents these days!”, “You know, I think parents these days are doing a darn good job with an extraordinarily tough job–and since it takes a village to raise a child, I am sure they’d appreciate any support and encouragement you can give…”

Said (by me) to those declaring, “She should give her child some DISCIPLINE!”, “You know what, it is really really hard when our child loses it in the store. Seems to me she is working hard at being calm and I think that is exactly what will help the most. I’m going to see if she needs an extra hand…”

Said (by me) to those sure that in THEIR day they did it “right” by “making” their kids behave, “Yep. It’s certainly different now, as we work hard at helping our children grow into independent, self-directed, compassionate adults…” (okay, so I haven’t said that YET, but I’m working on it…)

Encouragement. Appreciation. Support.

Even a quick smile. What a difference for parents when others around them care enough to put aside their own discomfort over what can be a less than wonderful scene and at minimum THINK support, compassion, encouragement.

Even better, offer those needed extra hands, or an appreciative “It’s tough! I get it. Can I help?”, or an understanding smile, or actually step in when kids need to know what they are to do differently, what is expected (like recently in a hummingbird exhibit showing some curious and exuberant children where TO stand and how to be as still as possible as they studied a mama hummingbird in her nest…rather than poking and prodding and bumping and disrupting…) Amazing and rather simple when you think about it when kids are shown what they CAN do rather than be yelled at, yanked, told to quit… Actually, that’s a whole other post to write and its all about what we focus on grows….

Just think what could be different for all of us if we felt and experienced this support and encouragement instead of critical eyes and words when we are most embarrassed, upset, frustrated. Just think.

And just think what our children will learn about their world around them–that we are all in this together, striving to do our best and being better every single day, and that they (and us!) can count on this village to be there for them. No matter what. Helping them become their very best, as well.

How cool would that be? Today, appreciate, first and foremost. I think you’ll like what it can change…and how it feels. I know I do.

Tired, hungry, and four! A story for you…

September 20, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Social Emotional, Story Time! Comment

A story for you.

A 4-year-old, crowded restaurant, business being done among 30 adults with Mr. 4 being the one and only child. Oh. And pancakes and bacon, too. Eventually.

Dinner time. Food coming ever-so-slowly. His hunger ramped up (and was helped a bit by a snack..), his tired self getting more tired, and the buzz of conversation all around swallowing him up.

Can you see where this might be going? What would you expect from a hungry, tired, 4-year-old surrounded by adults and watching food being served all around…?

Mr. 4 initially was telling stories, drawing with pen and paper, sucking down his water and having fun with his straw. He busily shed his coat (keep in mind, 4’s are still learning all those buttons, snaps, and zippers…and armholes!), discussed important 4-year-old matters with those closest to him (like how many pancakes can YOU eat?)…

…and then he began to ramp up. In subtle ways. The quick “raspberry” with his tongue right in your face. The big, bigger, biggest kick and arm flail as he described something. Voice escalating.

And here is where a real difference can be made.

Here’s where we can EITHER get a bit agitated ourselves, worried he might act up further, stress over WHEN is his food COMING and then find ourselves saying, “Cut it out. Stop. It’s not nice blowing raspberries in my face. Keep your feet to yourself. Lower your voice, you are in a restaurant….”

And if we do that, most likely any Mr. 4 would respond louder. BIGGER. Maybe hit. Or kick more. Or melt-down all the way. We’d be even more frustrated. Embarrassed. DONE. Things would probably just continue to deteriorate until the Mr. 4 is hauled out to the car and you just leave. Still frustrated. Maybe mad. Pretty much all around relationship-depleting, with everyone focused on all the YUCK and a Mr. 4 still hungry and tired and completely unable to learn much of anything at this point.

OR we could PAUSE.

And then recognize quickly how our Mr. 4 is at that precarious place with hunger, tired, and all-things-adult around him, and without saying a word about the ramping up, engage him in what you know will help him wait further and manage himself successfully. Remember, what we focus on grows.

Such as…when that raspberry was blown directly in your face? Gently put your hand between your face and his, look beyond him to something you can spot in the restaurant and say, “I have an idea! Let’s go find the…” and then get up ready to roll…preschoolers often cue right into the “What? what can we find? I bet I can!” All raspberries-in-the-faces forgotten.

Or when the flailing and kicking happen (remember, this isn’t a meltdown flail and kick, this is a “I need attention!” maneuver), YOUR attention goes to “It is hard to be waiting so long! I need to move my body, too. Let’s go walking and see if we can spot the chef making YOUR pancakes!” And off you go on what is sure to be an adventure, moving bodies in just the right ways.

Instead of “correcting his behavior“ (mostly so you’d feel better…), you let a PAUSE step up, an awareness for the precarious place your Mr. 4 is in, and intentionally put your attention on what would be okay for a preschooler to do as they do the hard work of waiting. And ultimately? Your Mr. 4 now learns a bit about how to wait the long wait. That special-to-him adults recognize how tough it is and will partner along with him to make this hard a bit easier. That there are ways to move and talk and BE in a restaurant that are okay and help burn some of the tired-of-waiting energy.

What a difference that can be made by how WE decide to respond to our child’s potential “acting up.”

What a difference was made with this Mr. 4 who, even though he was all those things–tired, hungry, swallowed up by lots of talking adults–discovered, because of the decisions certain adults made around him, that he COULD be the very last one served his food…and Mr. 4 was, ultimately, the LAST one served.

And he learned, as did all of the delighted adults around him, that he could manage himself just fine, thank you. All because of the simple steps of pausing, staying calm and engaged, focusing very little on the ramping up and much, much more on just the right ways to help him wait.

And boy, did those pancakes and bacon disappear off of HIS plate lickety-split!

Enjoy,
Alice
Author and Parent Coach

Quit fighting! Go to your room!

September 18, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting 2 Comments

“No more hitting! Go to your room!”

“We have to leave, it’s late. If you aren’t going to listen to me, then there’ll be no bedtime stories when we get home!”

“No screen time. None. Zippo. Nada. Not until your room is entirely clean. Oh! And if you are going to use THAT tone with me, then there will be no playing with your buddy tomorrow!”

“There’s no way you can have the toy back. Not until you learn how to play with it nicely!”

“QUIT FIGHTING. Argh. Both of you–to time out!”

Sound familiar? Sound productive?

Usually not, unless compliance and obedience in the moment is your goal, and long-term frustration and discontent equally your goal.

Here’s the deal. When we punish we are really saying “You need to behave the “right way,” the way I want you to behave, otherwise I will lose it and won’t feel the good and in control parent I want to be!”

We tend to be more reactive because we are frustrated they aren’t doing what we want them to do. We are exerting outside control on our kids–trying to get them to do it our way–rather than helping them learn to manage themselves from the inside out. We tend to not listen. And yes, often what we are trying so hard to make them do might be of benefit to our child, the situation, but the more it is about our upset, the less they are really learning what it is we hope they will learn.

Instead they are most likely learning:

“Mom loses it when I…” (now their focus is on us, rather on themselves). “I sure know how to push Dad’s button!” “How I feel doesn’t matter, it is how mom feels that matters.” “I need others to control my behavior.” “I’m not competent…” “Dad has no confidence in me or my ideas or…” “I can’t control myself.”

Probably not the lessons you hoped for. And definitely relationship depleting and ultimately making your job so much harder, for your punishments?

They’ll need to get tougher and tougher over time, since the lesson learned is really that your child needs you in order for them to behave. Talk about exhausting…

Let’s look at a different approach–a respectful and relationship building one.

It takes more time, yet in the long run it makes your job so much easier, because your children grow themselves from the inside out, learning to manage themselves, learning to understand feelings, to collaborate and cooperate and work with you. Really!

Here are the same examples for you:

~”Hitting is never okay, it hurts. I can see you are upset. It looks like you really were annoyed when your brother surprised you.” PAUSE. Give space for your child to respond. “Can you tell him about the mad you feel?” And to the brother, “It hurt when she hit you! She really didn’t like it when you surprised her. You enjoy sneaking up and surprising her–it can be a fun game when she likes it, too.” PAUSE. “Do you two have ideas for how this game could work so both of you enjoy it?”

~”It’s time to go now. I can tell you are having a lot of fun and don’t feel ready to leave. What is one more thing you’d like to do before we get our shoes and coats on?” PAUSE. Listen. “Okay! When you are finished with your turn, we’ll head out.” Maybe your child still resists–“You really still don’t feel ready. Now we are going. Off we go to the car–!” And you pick them up, shoes in hand, and head to the car, calmly, matter-of-factly, ready to turn on the music so you have something to distract YOU as they turn their screaming volume up high…

~”When your room is picked up, you can watch your show.” THAT tone gets used. PAUSE. “It makes you mad that you have to work on your room, first. There is a lot of stuff on your floor–I bet it looks pretty overwhelming to you! Would it help if I picked up the clothes and you worked on filling your bookshelf?” PAUSE. “Looks like you aren’t ready for my help. I’ll be in the kitchen. If you change your mind, let me know.” And off you go…

~”Blocks aren’t for throwing! Let’s see how high of a tower we can build with them, instead.” “Hmmm…you still feel like throwing. I’ll put the blocks away for now and you and I can go find all the soft things in the house that we CAN throw!” “You really want the blocks back. When you’ve calmed down (and I can help you), you can try building with them again…”

~”Sounds like the two of you are having a hard time working together. I hear a lot of loud and upset voices.” PAUSE. Space for your kids to respond. “You both have ideas for how to play the game.” PAUSE. “I wonder what the two of you can work out so both ideas could be used?” And keep on pausing…

Respectful. Thoughtful. Your focus on what it is you really want your child to learn–to use their words, to control their bodies, to express their feelings appropriately and productively, to know what they CAN do to build friendships, to communicate, to grow well.

Now you’re communicating YOUR confidence in who they are becoming; that their feelings and ideas are valued; that they matter; that you respect them. Now they are more likely to respect you, as a result.

What does this require from you?

Pausing, first and foremost. Calming your own upset. Being clear on just what you want the most–including what qualities you intend to foster in your children AND what you want in the moment. Then stepping into it with the calm confidence and clarity necessary for guiding your child.

Often it isn’t very pretty. You can feel exhausted. A wreck. Embarrassed, even. Your adrenaline at times can get the best of you. I encourage you to keep focused on respectful parenting–on relationship building interactions–on the kind of adult you intend to launch into the world. And this is what you show your child as you guide them through the tumultuous times.

Show them how to PAUSE. Show them about feelings. Show them how blocks are to be used and how others’ feelings are to be respected. Show them what collaboration looks like. Show them respect by being respectful–and this includes honoring their choice to NOT listen or behave and calmly following through with the results of this.

Consequences really are just the result of your child’s choice and an opportunity to guide them a bit more towards the “end” you intend. Let go of controlling and instead show your child today. And know it is a journey, a process that deserves the respect of time.

You can do this! It initially takes extra time and energy…so be sure you are depositing into YOUR self-care account regularly–then you’ll have the patience and resilience necessary. And the best parts? Parenting gets easier and relationships can thrive. Truly. How cool is that?

A resource to help you along: “Parenting Inspired; Finding Grace in the Chaos, Confidence in Yourself, and Gentle Joy along the Way”

Here’s to respectful parenting,
Alice

Author and Parent Coach

Parenting Success RECIPE!

August 24, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

A Recipe for YOUR Parenting Success

Growing a healthy, ready to learn child and a family that can thrive (from Alice’s Cookbook)

Combine:

A pinch to many cupfuls of Self-Care
Large amounts of The Three C’s (Calm, Connection, Consistency)
Multiple dollops of Being Bored and Empty Spaces
Infinite helpings of Respect Feelings
Liberal amounts of What We Focus on Grows
Daily and Generous doses of Nature (often found in those Empty Spaces)
Many scoops of Choice
Heaping cupfuls of PAUSE

Mix with care. Let marinate. Allow for a variety of blends depending on amounts of each ingredient. Simmer all through the day. Taste and adjust quantities as necessary. Consider adding other Essential Ingredients such as Light-heartedness and Sense of Humor.

Set oven to “Heartwarming.” Bake for a lifetime.

Enjoy.

Other additions welcomed to this Recipe for YOUR Success!

Parenting Success: What You Focus on Grows

August 23, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting Comment

Recipe for Parenting Success continues…another Essential Ingredient:

What You Focus on Grows

Intentionally put your attention to just what you want more of. Such as…

…how your child happily shares her yummy snacks with you even though she almost NEVER will do that with her brother no matter how often you encourage her to do…it’s the sharing that DOES happen that needs our attention!

..the fact that your 2-year-old did finally fall sound asleep AND in his bed. No matter that it took two exhausting hours–he DID end up in his own bed . And asleep. Definitely focus on that!

...how easily your child listened and packed her own backpack and got her own coat and shoes on and was out the door and in the car…even though it was because it was field trip day at school and she was incredibly excited to get there. She listened, cooperated, and your morning transition went WELL. Something worth focusing on.

…OR how, despite the tantrums and backpack contents spread from here to Timbuktu that required YOU to gather up and that your youngest had to be hauled out to the car, you all got loaded up. Your kids buckled and fussed and moaned but were “ready to go.” THAT is to be focused on…”Thank you for being ready to go.” (I know, by the time you are in the car, you are d-o-n-e with the whole scene. I get that.)

..how you DID create a pause and calm yourself down…albeit near the end of a knock-down-drag-out fight with your teen. At least you ended on a more connected note…and that is to be noticed and appreciated, for really, isn‘t it the connection we ultimately want more of?

…when your little one, after unrolling ALL of the toilet paper quite happily–really, it is a way-cool skill to spin and spin the roll and it really IS delightful to watch how it spills all over the floor–then gathered up bits and pieces to plop into the toilet and flush it down. THAT is to be focused on and absolutely noticed and appreciated out-loud. “You flushed the TP right down the toilet. You know exactly where it goes.”

…the JOY your child gets out of playing board games, even though she gets oh-so-mad when she loses. It’s the joy and the willingness to play that needs our attention.

…how your teen does get his laundry down to the laundry room and into the washer. Maybe it still sits there several days later…maybe you find you dump it out into a pile just to make the point of “Why don’t you FINISH doing your laundry?!”, maybe air-dried and wrinkled clothes are of no bother to him (just to you). The fact is, he got his laundry down and in. THAT is to be noticed!

…how, despite the loud and pushy wrestling match between your kids, and the tears and “MOOOOOM’s” and “Make him STOP!” you actually found yourself being rather matter-of-fact and unswayed by it all. Maybe it was because of the wonderful day you had getting a massage and going on a long and beautiful walk with a friend and that your husband was bringing take-out home for dinner… 🙂 But no matter how easy it was for you to be so calm, you were. THAT is to be focused on. And appreciated!

Here’s the deal. When we become intentional about

finding what IS working and focusing on it, the more it can actually happen.

Children seek attention in the easiest way–and so often we give it for when things go wrong, for those are the loud, frustrating, chaotic moments and they exasperate us. And we let them know–often just as loudly, frustratingly, chaotically.

When our kids are actually doing things cooperatively, when they do listen, are focused and engaged with a friend immersed in their play, getting jobs done without being asked, we tend to ignore it. Oh, we often notice, but if we SAY something we might stir the pot and heavens we don’t want THAT to happen because at least now we have some peace and quiet…

And yet, those are the things we really DO want more of. So we must give them our attention–more so than all the yuck. What we focus on grows.

Let your kids know–often–what it is you notice and appreciate.

Give them attention (maybe after the fact, maybe during) for their ability to share with you, how much fun it is to play games with someone who loves to play them, how they do get their laundry started, can be ready to roll in the morning, put TP where it belongs, that they must feel so well rested after sleeping soundly in their own bed. And give yourself attention and kudos galore for creating the pause to calm down NO MATTER how late into the conflict it arises.

What We Focus on Grows. Always. In time, with patience, with a strengthening PAUSE muscle. This is a mantra to live by.

And it really is an Essential Ingredient in our Recipe for Parenting Success. Another ingredient can be found here.

With JOY and appreciation,

The NO with all eyes upon you…

July 6, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Noticed and Appreciated, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Story Time! 2 Comments

Noticed and appreciated…

The Daddy at the airport attempting to go from point A to point B with a 2.5-year-old intending to STAY PUT at point A.

You know–jello legs, arched back, screaming…and Daddy trying to respectfully just hold her hand and walk. Impossible. Frustrating! Anger-producing at times. Definitely embarrassing out in public.

What did I appreciate? How he PAUSED.

Then how he looked down at his struggling child and just picked her up and moved on to point B. Matter-of-factly, staying quiet, allowing her to continue to arch and kick and scream. “Allowing” is really the wrong word, however. It wasn’t up to him whether she continued on with her upset…so no, he didn’t allow her to continue, he respected her need to do so and gave her the safe space in his arms to BE upset and still do what needed to be done–get to point B.

By the time they reached the seats where their family awaited, she had calmed...and (as only toddlers can) switched from very upset to totally happy 🙂

The daddy’s ability to be calm and matter-of-fact, to take charge in regards to where they needed to go and at the same time not try to make his daughter stop her tantrum spoke volumes to his toddler.

It gave her the secure space (his arms, even as she fought!) to get her mad out, feel accepted, manage herself, and move on. And Daddy had a moment of success–if he was embarrassed and irritated, he didn’t show it and he moved through it–role-modeling for his daughter how HE managed HIS feelings.

And then there was…

The 18-month-old toddler on a recent flight whose favorite word and comment on just about anything was, “No no no no no no no no no…”!!!!

A rather HAPPY “no.” I so appreciated how both his parents PAUSED, took his NOs in stride, never letting it phase them and often just saying, “Oh? You would rather NOT share the seat. Daddy is going to sit down, let’s make room…” Calmly affirming him and still moving forward with just what was expected. Their eye-twinkles, connection, and presence turned what could’ve been a real struggle into a relationship-building, wonderful learning experience.

I especially enjoyed standing in the galley alongside him and his Mama talking about IN the plane and then (as he pointed to the window) OUT of the plane. In and out, in and out, in and out we went, both with words and pointing. His total GLEE over a stranger engaging with him and enjoying HIS game kept a smile on my face all flight long. And then there was the “row row row your boat” song he and I sang that became, “fly fly fly the plane, swiftly across the sky?!” Oh, so much FUN. Delight and eye twinkles all over again.

What is important about both of these stories is the parents’ ability to PAUSE and be calm and fully present with their children

Exhausting, yes, especially while on a long plane ride. Yet the really cool thing? It is sure to set them up for future traveling to become more and more successful. Rather than succumbing in the moment to being embarrassed, exasperated, frustrated, just wanting their child to mind and behave and make the trip “easy”, they rolled up their sleeves, dug in with their patience and showed their little ones what traveling is all about, what is expected, how they can count on mom and dad to listen, understand, and guide them (all with little to no screens, by the way). These parents?

They used the plane trip as an opportunity for the rich learning experience it can be. And calm connection led the way.

Truly relationship-building. And eventually? This makes parenting easier. And it all unfolded atop a PAUSE.

Today, notice and appreciate the hard work you are doing to parent well, to pause, to build relationships, to grow healthy children. Let a PAUSE lead the way in all you do. It really can make all the difference in the world.

PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection.

Here’s to you today!

Alice

Author and Parent Coach

No No NO! I said NO!

June 17, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

“No no!”
“I said NO.”
“Stop that!”

“Come here to mama right now.”

“I said, come here!”

Then maybe the Arm Grab or Yank.
Or the Hand Slap or Bottom Swat.
Definitely the “ARGH! You didn’t LISTEN.”

Sound familiar?

Toddlers. Oh so trying, testing, totally terrific, too

(Preschoolers, too. Or maybe elementary. Definitely teens…and really, as you read this, know that if you have an older-than-toddler-child, it is still much the same…with tweaks, of course…)

Their job?

To be increasingly in charge of themselves (Think: future independent young adult).

To try things on for size–over and over and over again.

To see–truly SEE–if they can count on YOU to act upon what you say–and hopefully the first time.

To ask of us to be clear about what it is we want–and if we aren’t, they’ll just test us once again…to try to be SURE of what we want…

And boy, does this often get a rise out of us. Just BEHAVE. Do what I say and without a fuss (hopefully without a fuss! Which is why we say NO and STOP and Come here over and over again, hoping to avoid that fuss, because it just requires even MORE time and it can be so darn embarrassing).

Hence the repeating we do. The ARGH and Arm Yank or Hand Slap or Bottom Swat.

DISCLAIMER: Never do I recommend these EVER (except for the ARGH!).

And it begins to ramp up. We wonder why they KEEP testing us…why these often adorable, delightful, joyful little ones look us in the eye and hit or bite or ignore us once again.

Here’s the deal. These toddlers? They need us to be calm.

Consistent. Clear.

They need us to communicate with OUR words just what it is we want. They need us to show them–patiently and often–just what it is we are wanting them to do and learn and how to BE. That Arm Yank? Hand Slap? Bottom Swat? All they really teach is that it is okay to yank, slap, swat–not something we want our child doing to another, not something we should ever do.

All they really teach is that Mama or Papa do THIS when I do THAT. Not very effective for really helping a little one learn about their world or themselves. All it really does is turn their impish selves ON even more and test, act up, push your buttons–probably not what you intend to have happen!

A few ideas for you as you work on guiding your toddler in positive, productive, and healthy ways:

Describe what you see, first: “You are busy pulling all the clothes out of the drawer!” (this, after you spent all day just trying to get the laundry put away!).” Then you head over next to your toddler who is wonderfully practicing just the opposite of what she saw you doing as you put laundry away and say, “Mama just finished getting all these shirts and socks IN to the drawer! Can you plunk them back in with me? One, two, three…in they go.”

And as your toddler looks at you with that impish twinkle and runs away in circles to just come back and take armfuls back OUT of the drawer? Instead of the “NO” or the Arm Yank, Hand Slap or the Bottom Swat followed by the “I told you to stop!” try:

“It’s too hard for you to keep the clothes where they belong right now. I’m going to scoop them up and put them away.” And you can physically insert your body between drawers and toddler as you (cheerfully–or as cheerfully as possible…or maybe not cheerfully at all…) dump the clothes back in (to be folded once again at a later date–maybe), then turn to your tot and say, “Up you go and let’s check on kitty…or something outside…or a book…or…”

Now you’ve followed through with what you’ve said–that the clothes belong in the drawer. You’ve given a choice for them to join in with you—and keeping it light-hearted you are staying connected in a way that speaks loudly to a young child. You’ve stopped them without punishment and instead helped them through one of their testing moments (remember, testing is really all about US–whether we can pass their test by being calm and consistent and clear). Now they can learn a bit more about managing themselves.

Now you’ve just stepped in as the GUIDE they need…

…rather than the rather harried disciplinarian who is really more concerned about control and losing control…Okay. So what about the more extreme moments? Hitting, biting, BIG tears/screams–-the same thing goes for these.

Stop the hurting behavior with, “I will stop you from hitting/biting me, it HURTS.”

Then affirm feelings involved/describe what you see, “You are really frustrated because you’d like me to play with you and I’m so busy talking to papa.”

Offer up what it is you WANT–-and how they can participate in that: “It’s so hard to wait when I’m busy, isn’t it? Would you like me to pick you up while you wait for Papa and me to be done?”

And maybe it is about pausing in your conversation with your spouse and giving your full attention to your tot as you work at settling them down…picking them up, talking a bit…and THEN: “Papa and I need to finish talking now. Do you want me to keep holding you, or are you ready to get down and find a book to look at while you wait?”

With LESS attention on the “mis” behavior and much more on how you’d like them to move through upsetting times, you will discover real growth to occur (after you repeat a million times…!)

THIS is guiding at its best. Which means, in the long run,

a “disciplined” child–someone who CAN manage themselves, who knows what to do and how to be, who will more likely listen and respond and cooperate or collaborate.

It takes time. It takes PAUSE. It takes deep breathing, encouraging self talk, the ability to let go and step alongside and be fully present. It is hard.

And yet, it is even harder when we don’t do this–for all the yuck ramps up and as your child gets older it gets WAY more difficult. So today, when you find yourself talking across the room to your toddler trying to get them to STOP, COME, do it differently,

PAUSE, first. Consider what words to use to help your child know clearly what it is you WANT–instead of what you don’t want. Then go to them and show them.

It will pay dividends. Huge ones. And it will, most definitely, make your job easier. Really!

If you’ve enjoyed this article, here is another about toddlers: Toddlers! Totally Terrific…

And another about all-things-NO! can be found here.

With JOY and appreciation,

Alice
Author of “Parenting Inspired” and “PAUSE: The Power of Parenting (and Living) with Calm Connection”
PCI Certified Parent Coach® and ScreamFree Certified Leader
©2017 Alice Hanscam

It’s HARD to PAUSE

May 2, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Self-care Comment

It’s hard, you know. To PAUSE.

To respond calmly rather than explode or grit our teeth extra hard with a scowl on our face as we, yet again, try to “straighten out” our kids’ behavior.

It’s hard. Sometimes downright impossible.

Yet consider this–what we want is for our children to control themselves—isn’t that why we try ever so hard to get them to STOP, to choose differently, to say the right things, feel the right way…to finally LISTEN to us and all of our wisdom? “Please, just control yourself for heaven’s sake!” And yet, we say and want this while we often demonstrate just the opposite…

If we want them to (ultimately) control themselves then we have to control OUR selves.

It really can be rather unsettling to realize your 18-month-old can leave you feeling entirely OUT of control. It makes way more sense when it is your 16-year-old who does. Either way, this button pushing behavior is way more about us then them.

It is a continual opportunity to focus first on OUR selves so we can pull ourselves together (even a semblance of “together” can make a real and positive difference). To breathe. To encourage ourselves. To get a bit of physical space for just a moment. To pause and dig deep for a bit of calm.

Because then–THEN we can step back in with a bit clearer of an intention, a bit more self-control, a bit more CALM. And yes, “acting-as-if” is totally okay, for what we focus on grows

And when we can do this (even just some of the time) we are now in a position to positively influence our children.

NOW they can feel a bit safer and more secure because their number one person in life (yes, even for a teen who acts as if you are absolutely NOT number one any more…) can keep it together NO MATTER what they decide to do.

Now they can count on you. What an amazing feeling that is for any one who is struggling–that they can count on another no matter what.

Trust. Respect. Connection. All of this occurs–even if the behavior is STILL testy, reactive, button pushing. Just think, for a child who is working hard to manage something difficult, to have their special adult stay calm, connected, gently firm, there and present–wow. What a feeling.

What a way to help a child work through what they are struggling with.

And it really does all begin with us taking control of ourselves, our feelings, our behavior. Something, by the way, we CAN control…unlike our often futile attempts at controlling our child

PAUSE today.

Take the moment you need and find some semblance of calm inside you–even if all it is is to say to yourself “I’m looking for calm!” as you continue to seethe. Now go respond to your child and all that is stirring things up. Notice what is different. Because something will be. Whether it is a less intense situation, a child who actually surprises you with a better choice or quicker resolution, or that YOU emerge from all this reactivity still feeling pretty okay. Steadier. Less churned up. Notice and then appreciate the iota of difference it made. In time, it all adds up. And it makes a real difference.

A relationship building, positive influence difference. Keep at it.

What we focus on grows.

Need help? Check out each of my books.

Here’s to you today!
Alice
Author and Parent Coach

DON’T run, DON’T climb, DON’T whine…

April 15, 2018 denaliparentcoaching@gmail.com Ages and Stages, Children and Families, Discipline and Guidance, Healthy relationships, Positive and Respectful Parenting, Social Emotional Comment

DON’T run; DON’T climb on the table; DON’T touch; DON’T hit; don’t whine; don’t be late; don’t talk to me that way; don’t be so mean; don’t don’t don’t...and they keep on doing.

Frustrated? Exhausted? Worried??

Wondering when they’ll ever LEARN?

Here’s the deal–whatever we focus on we get more of, so choose with care what you say to your child. Make it what they CAN do and you will discover this is what you will get more of.

Ideas for you:

~ “When we are in the store, we use our walking (or tip-toeing or skipping or…) feet. I’m thinking I’m going to march along…how about you?” And then join in alongside...

~ “Okay! Time to be right alongside me so we can be safe as we cross the parking lot…would you like to hang on to my purse handle, my hand, or do you think you can walk right next to me all by yourself?”

~ “When you use your regular voice, I can listen to you; if you need to whine, the whining room is downstairs–when you are done, you are welcome to talk with me!” Or perhaps “I can tell you need something. When you can use your regular voice, I’ll be able to understand how to help you.”

~ “I know it hurt your feelings when your friend said those things to you. I bet it hurt hers, too, when you used unkind words right back. What do you think a friend could do to help in a situation like this?”

~ “Tables are for sitting at. I can tell you feel like climbing! You can climb on the couch if you’d like, or choose to sit on the chair at the table and I’ll get you your crayons…a snack…”

~ “The fragile glass is for our eyes only. Can you see the different colors in it? Let’s use one finger to touch carefully–just like that!” Or maybe, “…the glasses on the shelf belong on the shelf–would you like to choose one of your sippy cups and get a drink?”

~ “We use gentle hands on our kitty–pat-pat she likes that! Do you hear her purring? She’s telling you how good that feels…”

~ “Please be ready to go in 10 minutes–if you need some help getting your things together, let me know!” Or…”Be on time so we can stop at the store for the things you need!” And always–“…thank you for being ready to go.” (whether on time or not!).

~”Hitting me is never okay, it hurts–can you use your words to tell me what you are mad at?” Perhaps followed by “Here’s what you CAN hit in our house–the pillows, the couch, the balloon, the floor–which do you want to hit as hard as you can?” And then join in alongside...

~ “The things under the sink are for mommy and daddy only. You can have the things in this cupboard, if you’d like. Let’s peek inside and see what’s in there…!”

~ “The oven door stays closed when it is hot. You can turn on the oven light, if you’d like, and we can peek through the window together. Oooh! I wonder what we are going to see??”

~ “You know, I can hear you, but your tone is making it difficult for me to really listen. When you can use a respectful tone of voice, I’m ready to listen to you.” And then be ready to accept their attempt at saying things more respectfully…even when it still sounds on the snarky side of things...

What we focus on grows.

Spend more time letting your child know what he can do, what it is you do want. Now they can truly learn in a positive and productive direction with less conflict over time. So often we get into a battle trying to ‘make our child behave’ and this battle? If we paused, considered what we really wanted, then responded to our child based on that–there would be far fewer battles. Instead you’d have an opportunity to help your child learn a little bit more about themselves, about what they can and cannot do, about what is expected and what is their responsibility. Truly a win/win for all.

So choose today to focus on what your child CAN do in a situation. Even if it is to just sit next to you or hold tight to your hand as you navigate a less than child-friendly experience…no need to fill it with your anxiety via “don’ts!”

Fill it instead with your certainty that your child can do what is expected–over time, with your calm, connected guidance leading the way.

Here’s to letting your calm connection lead the way.

With JOY and appreciation,